Original subtitles

Congratulations. You are the winner!

(conch trumpets)

And cut!

(sighs) That's it!

We're done.

All those documents,

all those videotapes,

and you were worried you were gonna die

before we finished.

Crazy, right, Mr. Goodwin?

Mr. Goodwin?

Mr. Goodwin?

MAN: Yep.

It's gonna burst.

Prep for surgery, stat. Yes, Doctor.

Annie, read my e-mails, please.

Your acceptance speech for the Kaiser Foundation award.

I'll write it during my shift at the animal shelter.

What else? Frances from the food bank.

Uh, I'll volunteer this Sunday

between the Lions Club brunch and my workout.

God, I need that workout. What else?

Your fiancée's birthday.

Cancel my workout.

I'll craft her a brooch in my metal shop.

What else?

Your father died.

Prep for surgery.

I'll process later.

Mr. President, I hold degrees in astrophysics

from Cambridge, Oxford, and M.I.T., and by my calculations,

that asteroid is headed straight for the Great Wall of...

(cell phone ringtone plays)

Sorry. Oh, that was mine. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry. I thought it was off.

Just my brother. Okay.

Let's take it again. Okay,

who's next? No, no, no, no.

I swear I can do this.

I'm a really, really good actress.

I just... (ringtone plays)

Okay. Oh...

What?

Oh, my God.

My dad died.

Not bad.

(alarm blares)

We sure are gonna miss you around here, Jimmy.

Jimmy,

you're doing that... thing with your eyebrow.

What's really going on?

Oh, Glen, you clever hen. You saw right through me.

There's this guy, Frankie Steamroller,

and if I don't pay him what I owe him,

he said he's gonna cut off my fingers

and put 'em where my toes are.

Which sounds cool, but how long is that surgery?

(phone rings)

This is probably him.

Hello?

Oh, thank God. It's my sister.

(chuckles) See? Today's not gonna be so bad after all.

Hey, Chloe, what's up?

(somber organ music plays)

Thank you.

I can't believe he's gone.

Last time I saw him, I told him I loved him.

So that's a good thing.

When was that? Six years ago.

Chloe, look, it's all right.

We all lost touch with Dad.

I mean, he was a little...

He was a little weird.

You know, he visited me once in the joint.

Not the joint I was just in. A previous joint.

Actually, it might have been the joint before that.

It was a few joints ago.

I bet it was.

Hey, did you see Lucinda?

Lucinda? Henry,

your ex-girlfriend is a minister

and she's minist-ing

our dad's funeral.

And her hair looks great.

You want to talk about it?

Oh, come on.

"No, Chloe,

"I don't want to talk about my feelings

"'cause I'm a cowboy.

"I just want to rustle up some vittles

and eat 'em off a knife."

(imitates gunshots)

Yee-haw! Shh.

Show some respect.

(sighs) It's so good to be home.

Thank you.

Thank you. Hi.

"You are invited to the reading

"of the will immediately after the service.

"Contestants arriving late

will be disqualified"?

(scoffs)

Dad.

WOMAN: Good.

You're all here.

What do you all know about your dad's fortune?

(scoffs) Fortune?

Uh, I know he was an underpaid math professor

who lived in a leaky old house that's worth less

than either one of my sports cars.

Subtle. Listen, can I just ask, how long is this gonna take?

I don't want to miss my flight, because I have a big meeting

with a really, really important headshot photographer.

And also, one of us-- and I'm not gonna point any fingers

because it could be any of us--

needs to get to Mexico before some guys find him

and perpetuate a few very unfortunate

Italian-American stereotypes.

Just tell us how much the old man was worth, please.

$23 million.

(gasps)

Here it is,

the last will and testament of Benjamin Goodwin.

Boo!

(gasps)

Hello, children!

If you're watching this, it means I'm dead as a...

CHLOE: Doornail!

Door-tack. Doornail. Damn it.

Damn it. A sign.

Way off, Jimmy.

On to the main event: the money.

I have decided to leave my entire fortune

to a single heir.

This individual

has demonstrated good judgment,

embodied strong values and truly lived up

to the potential one can expect from a Goodwin.

Who am I talking about?

None of you.

What?

I'm not living up to my potential?

I save lives for a living.

CHLOE: Okay, easy with the superhero complex.

HENRY: How can he say that?

These proceedings are a mockery.

You're out of order. They're out of order.

We're all out of order!

Quiet!

Henry, stop bragging.

Chloe, stop making excuses for yourself.

And, Jimmy,

put it back.

Uh...

That was in my desk.

You should've locked it. It was.

You should've locked it...

more.

You children could have been magnificent.

But instead you're each living in your own metaphorical prison.

Or, in Jimmy's case, prison.

I got paroled, Pop!

It's my fault.

Your mother died...

and I...

dropped the ball.

This is my last chance

to be the parent I should have been.

To help you be the people you still can be.

So we're gonna have one final challenge.

The grand prize?

My entire fortune.

Who's in?

I'm in. I'm in.

I'm in.

I knew you would be.

Let the Goodwin Games begin!

Yes!

So, what's the game?

I'm not at liberty to say at this time.

Well, how did our dad get $23 million? I'm not

at liberty to say at this time.

Will there be a physical challenge?

Not to brag, but I did quite a few

push-ups in prison.

HENRY: Anything that ends with "in prison"

isn't bragging, buddy. JIMMY: Henry,

the question stands.

I am not at liberty to say...

To say at this time. Thanks, April,

for your help in this, our time of grief.

Look, I know he was a bad father,

but you guys disappeared on him,

so don't get snippy with me. The game starts

right here tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. precisely.

See you all then.

You should get a dual mechanism lock.

It's better.

Hey, April.

Hey.

Just setting aside the whole

you-control-my-dad's-fortune thing,

remember how we used to be friends?

Friends. We were best friends.

Total besties.

So, can we just, like, skip to the hug thing?

We were on the math team together,

and we used to make up little songs

on the bus ride to tournaments...

* There was a mathematician, had a theorem *

* And Pythagoras was his name-o *

* P-Y-T-H-A... And then in seventh grade,

you got popular, abandoned me,

and told everyone I was a, quote, "butt-ass ugly lesbo."

Our friendship was kind of a winding road.

Listen, Chloe, as a lawyer, I will be fair and impartial.

As a human being, I'm sorry about your dad.

As your ex-best friend, bite me.

* There...

See you tomorrow.

(birds chirping)

Wow.

This place is exactly the same.

HENRY (chuckles): All my golf trophies.

Forgot how many of these I won.

So embarrassing.

(sighs)

And there's the conch shell.

(conch trumpets)

Have you three heard

of a little place called Splash Anderson's

Waterslide Wonderland? ALL: Yes!

Are we going? Are we going?!

Better! Only one of you is.

I've hidden a single ticket

somewhere in the house.

It's time to test

your Morse code skills.

Come on.

Why can't you just take all of us?

This is more fun.

No, it's not.

We don't have a chance.

Aw.

I love you anyway.

I heard that a lot growing up. CHLOE: Yeah.

We all did. HENRY: Oh.

No signal here. I'm gonna walk over to the bar

to see if the reception's better over there.

We have a house phone, and my signal's perfect.

Well, in that case, I'm gonna walk down to the bar and get drunk.

Oh. Yep.

*

Too late.

I saw you. Now you have to come

talk to me. (stammers, chuckles)

I was just ducking out to call my, uh... my fiancée.

I have a fiancée. I'm...

And I'm not saying that,

you know, to... I just...

I do have a fiancée.

I keep saying "fiancée." Yeah. Please stop.

You want to sit down?

Of course. Yeah.

So, this place hasn't changed one iota, huh?

There's still a photo booth, and I saw Nancy's still working behind the bar.

Is she still bringing people the wrong orders?

I ordered scotch.

(laughs)

I'm sorry about your dad.

Thanks.

Thanks, uh...

And I'm sorry, too, about...

Right.

Well, thank you for that.

So, this fiancée fiancée fiancée...

I keep saying fiancée. Who is she?

Well, her name is Kate and, uh...

she's actually running for congress.

She was gonna come up, but she had a fund-raiser, so I told her not to bother,

that I'm fine. Your dad just died.

I know. Yeah, I'm fine.

Speaking of "hasn't changed one iota."

Henry Goodwin.

Always carrying around some enormous weight

for the sake of everyone else around him

and never once complaining about it

until it crushes him.

Really? You think I'm that predictable?

Whether you're upset

about losing your dad,

or not making Phi Beta Kappa,

or your girlfriend dropping out of med school

to become a minister.

I could set my watch to your emotional satellite delay.

In fact, I'm gonna do just that.

Okay. One month from right now,

if you're still in Granby,

come talk to me about your dad.

I'll be in my office.

Big white building, hard to miss.

Thank you, but I will not be in Granby in a month.

I know.

(phone ringing)

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, baby bird.

I'm sorry I missed your birthday.

I was on a super long business trip.

But luckily the merger went through,

so our fifth quarter is gonna be...

You were in jail.

Yes, I was in jail.

But I got you a gift.

You want to see it?

A gold pen!

Daddy, did you steal this?

No.

No, I got it at a lawyer's pen store.

Uh, from a saleslady named...

Penny.

Daddy, we've been over this.

I'm gonna need to see a receipt.

But I didn't want a receipt, because I'm

an environmentalist, and I don't like to waste paper, but...

(door opens)

I think I hear Mom.

Can I come visit you again?

Any time. I love you, Daddy.

I love you, baby bird.

Okay. Good night.

(thudding)

APRIL: Before we begin the game, are there any questions?

Yeah, just one little thing. Who's this guy?

Oh, this is Elijah.

He's the fourth contestant for your dad's inheritance.

Wait. What? No! What? Are you kidding me?!

No way! No one told us this.

You're gonna give our dad's money to some stranger?

If he wins. HENRY: Well, but who is he?

Who are you? Were you a student of our father's?

Were you on a whaling ship together? Are you our long-lost brother?

I still am pretty confident in this whaling ship theory.

Guys, let me handle this. Elijah, hi.

You were obviously very important to our father.

Thus, you're very important to us.

Now, my name is Dr. Hen...

Look, dude, I don't care what your name is.

I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to win.

Who... are... you?!

APRIL: And it's 9:00 a.m.

Let's begin.

"For the entire

"Goodwin estate, you are hereby directed

"to play one game of...

...Trivial Pursuit."

What, you guys don't like Trivial Pursuit?

No, we love Trivial Pursuit.

We used to play it all the time.

We just got a little too competitive.

Furniture was often thrown.

I don't think we ever finished a game without an injury.

I don't think we ever finished a game.

But that was a long time ago.

For $23 million,

we can be civil, right?

(loud, overlapping chatter)

Look, I rolled the highest. I'm going first.

End of discussion.

Okay.

Arts and Literature.

"In 1992, Henry required four stitches

"after Chloe threw

"what book at

his head?"

What?

Hmm.

You guys, all the questions are about us.

This just got interesting.

Who are you?!

So whoever knows the family best wins the inheritance.

I still need an answer.

What book did Chloe throw at your head?

It's from the Junior Mathematicians Society.

I... didn't get in.

I love you anyway.

Stop saying that!

Listen to me.

I'm done with math.

Done! And as soon as my boobs come in,

I'm moving as far away from this

dump as I can get!

Might be a long wait, Flatty.

Hey!

Aah!

Advanced Concepts in Calculus.

That is correct. Oh!

(laughs) One, two, three...

(mutters)

Geography. "When Jimmy stole my car,

where was it eventually found?"

The Kinsman Bowling Alley, lanes seven through 12.

Correct. JIMMY: That was the one time

that I borrowed the car without asking.

You were 11.

I had a date!

HENRY: Sports and Leisure.

"Whose drinking problem first surfaced

"in tenth grade...

"when he stole a Bordeaux

"from the wine cabinet and...

(clears throat) ... and mixed it with lemonade?"

ELIJAH: I don't know.

You?

I'm going to need the name on the card, please.

Dick?

(muffled laughing) Ha!

(Chloe giggles)

CHLOE: No!

Bobcat in the bathroom?

Correct.

(gasps, whoops) Six wedges!

Oh, look at that. How many do you have, Henry, two?

Okay. That is not looking good for you.

Okay. It's not looking good at all.

I can't believe this.

I mean, all that money, probably going

to the one person who deserves it the least.

Wait. Why do I deserve it the least?

If anything, Jimmy deserves it the least.

So, I suppose this is a bad time

to ask you for a small, low-interest loan.

Okay, look, Jimmy, giving you money

would only make the problem worse.

If you really want my help, here it is. Get a job,

start taking responsibility for yourself,

so you can set a good example for your daughter.

Chloe, just take it easy. Jimmy's come a long way.

Yeah, and if anybody doesn't deserve the money, it's Henry.

Says the criminal!

JIMMY: At least I'm not committing crimes

of the heart. I mean, who is this girl that you're marrying?

We're your brother

and sister, and we've never met her.

You know why we've never met her.

It's because deep down, you know

she doesn't hold a candle to the girl

we all thought you were gonna marry.

You never should have left Lucinda.

All right.

Wait. Where are you going?

We've all made mistakes, Chloe.

But you broke Dad's heart.

When you quit on him,

he quit on us, and I'm not gonna sit here

and watch you get rewarded for destroying our family.

Well, good.

If you leave, you forfeit.

Fine. I forfeit. Enjoy the money.

I will!

Okay, Jimmy, keep playing.

No, thanks. I've got to go find a job.

That wasn't sarcasm, by the way.

I think you're right.

I really need to find a job.

So, enjoy the money.

That wasn't sarcasm, either.

You get that I'm trying to be sincere, right?

I get it.

Have a good rest of the game.

Hmm. They're right.

This game is fun for the whole family.

APRIL: And then Elijah

forfeited the game, too,

which means, with six wedges, Chloe was in the lead?

Yes.

Well, that means...

this tape.

Congratulations.

You all lose.

What? No, I think that's the wrong tape.

Oh, no, this is the right tape.

April, what was their assignment?

"Play a game of Trivial Pursuit."

"Play a game of Trivial Pursuit."

As in one full game.

That's all I wanted. This is a family.

Nobody quits, nobody gives up.

Which means you all failed.

So, here's what's gonna happen.

You each get $50.

$50? Give me that. Yes!

Oh, I get it.

This whole thing was a trick. There was never any money

to begin with. Elijah,

I'm sorry to have dragged you into this.

You get a million bucks!

(gasps) What?! What? (laughs)

(laughing): Huh?!

Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank...

CHLOE: Oh, my God.

Aah!

(laughs)

Peace. (laughs) Thank you.

(laughs, whoops)

Yeah! Whoo!

What's up, Granby? Yeah!

Now, the rest of my fortune will go to a conservation trust

called "Save the Moon Tiger."

Because if you three are going to behave like a bunch of

wild animals, I'd rather give the money to an actual

bunch of wild animals.

Well, that's it.

Good-bye, Goodwins.

I hope to see you again on the next leg of your journey.

Namaste.

But Dad...?

I... am suing

everybody in this room. I am suing you.

And I'm suing you, and I'm suing you.

And I'm suing the town of Granby.

And I'm suing the makers of Trivial Pursuit!

He wanted me to have it.

I thought he hated me, but he hid it in Morse code

so that I would be the one to find it. The money's in the attic.

I'm not at liberty to say at this time.

All right. April...

I'm sorry I called you a "butt-ass ugly lesbo."

You're not butt-ass ugly.

You're... butt-ass pretty.

Thanks.

(sighs)

Frankie Steamroller, huh?

Must be a pretty tough dude

to have a last name like Steamroller.

Well, he didn't get it for his up-tempo

keyboard versions of holiday classics,

I'll tell you that much.

Although he is a good... pretty good keyboardist.

Where are you going?

Nowhere. Hey, are you guys leaving?

Okay. Well, bye.

Okay, Dad...

show me the money.

BENJAMIN: I'm sorry I was a bad father.

I'd love to say it wasn't my fault,

but I let you all down.

I don't expect you to forgive me any time soon.

But even if you don't, always remember...

What?

Always remember what?

BENJAMIN: I love you anyway.

Well, Jimmy, good luck in Mexico.

Good luck to you.

Where are you living these days?

I'm not giving you my address.

It's probably wise.

(conch shell trumpeting)

What is that sound?

We have to finish the game.

Chloe, I have to get home.

Yeah, we got to get back to Henry's.

No! Nobody's going anywhere until we finish the game.

Look, Dad didn't do the best job raising us,

but he never stopped being our dad.

And if his final wish was that his three

screw-up children sit down and play a stupid board game together, then we're doing it.

All right, look, one game, loser picks up the tab.

What? If we're doing this, we're playing at the bar.

I would, but I can't. I don't have any money.

You already blew through that 50 bucks?

Yeah. I had to settle a debt.

* You remind me of home

* The paint cracks when the water leaks... *

(laughs) One. Give me another one.

Oh, one more. There it is. Okay, go.

"The Goodwin Conjecture currently

is how many pages long?" CHLOE: 95.

Yes. JIMMY: Yeah! (whoops)

"When Henry was watching what movie,

he peed his pants and puked at the same time?"

Gremlins. It's true!

HENRY: One, two, three,

four, five. Green pie coming.

JIMMY: Oh, green pie. Green.

There was a bobcat in the bathroom,

and we had to get him out using what type

of raw meat? Pork chops.

UFOs.

In the garage.

Yes! Yeah, that's what it is!

Let's see. Jimmy swallowed 23 cents,

but only three nickels

came out, which means he still has...

eight cents inside him.

That is correct. I win!

See, Jimmy, you're not broke after all. Wait.

Did we just finish our first game of Trivial Pursuit?

Seriously, guys, has this ever happened?

If only Dad could've seen it.

Hey, to Dad. To Dad.

To Dad.

* You remind me of home...

(gasping)

(grunting)

Yeah. I got it.

(coin clinks, beeping)

Congratulations, and welcome to the next leg

of your journey.

Now the real adventure begins.

Before you get a penny of your inheritance,

you are going to transform yourselves

into the very best Goodwins you can be.

And the only way you can ever truly do that

is together.

Henry, Chloe, Jimmy,

it's time to be a family again.

Who's in?

I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.

Good, because here's step one--

you're all moving back home. Smile!

you're all moving back home. Smile!