Original subtitles

Transcript by Benj! and Jesslataree

sub-way.fr seriessub.com

- Took you long enough. - Sorry.

It was really touching going there.

Wouldn't touch and go be the prefered method when making a sperm deposit?

It's clever. No, I was sidetracked by an ethical dilemma.

While masturbating.

Yes, think about it.

We're selling our sperm to a high IQ sperm bank.

But we can't guarantee high IQ offspring.

Extreme intelligence is as much as a mutation as...

the migrating eye of the flounder.

Did you see? They had movies in there.

I couldn't stop thinking, "We're committing fraud."

Some poor woman is gonna pin her hopes on my sperm.

What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use

an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve.

I'm sure she'll still love him.

I wouldn't.

Sheldon, did you fill the cup or not?

I don't think those cups are designed to be filled.

The size is meant to facilitate aim,

like a spittoon of the old West.

Come on.

- Excuse me. - Hang on.

One across is a GN 8 down is Nabokov,

26 across is MCM,

13 down is-- Move your finger.

Filum,

which makes 13 across Port-au-Prince.

See, Papa-Docks, capital ideas, Port-au-Prince.

Haiti.

Can I help you?

Yes, we've made two deposits, just add some eggs,

stick them in the oven and wait for the geniuses to pop out.

They're potential geniuses.

I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix

who hostesses at Fuddrucker's.

- I'll get you your checks. - Thank you.

Hold on, please.

I can't take the money.

This isn't right.

- Can you give us a minute? - Take your time.

I'll just finish my crossword puzzle.

Or wait.

May I remind you that this was your idea?

Easy money so we can upgrade our internet bandwidth?

Leonard, what profit a man to increase his data transfer rate

if he loses his soul?

We'd like you to return our sperm.

You'd like me to return your sperm.

Yes, please.

Shall I leave it in the cups

or do you want me to see if I have a crystal vase?

Actually, I prefer something with a lid.

What? We're gonna be driving.

Are you still mad about the sperm bank?

You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?

Not really.

If the height of a single step is off by as little as 2 mm,

most people will trip.

I don't care.

- 2 mm? That doesn't seem right. - No, it's true.

I did a series of experiments when I was 12,

my father broke his clavicle.

Is that why they sent you to boarding school?

No, that was the result of my work with lasers.

New neighbor?

Evidently.

Significant improvement over the old neighbor.

200 hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes, she is.

Hi!

We don't mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.

Oh, that's nice.

We don't live together, I mean...

We live together, but in separate heterosexual bedrooms.

Okay, well... I guess I'm your new neighbor. Penny.

- Leonard, Sheldon. - Hi!

Well...

Welcome to the building.

Thank you. Maybe we can have coffee some time.

Great!

Well, bye.

Should we have invited her for lunch?

No, we're gonna start season 2 of Battlestar Galactica.

We already watched the season 2 DVDs.

Not with commentary.

I think we should be good neighbors, invite her over, make her feel welcome.

We never invited Louis/Louise over.

And that was wrong of us.

We need to widen our circle.

I have a very wide circle.

I have 212 friends on MySpace.

Yes, and you've never met one of them.

That's the beauty of it.

I'm gonna invite her over.

We'll have a nice meal and chat.

Chat? We don't chat, at least not offline.

It's not difficult, you just listen to what she says,

and then you say something appropriate in response.

To what end?

Hi... again.

Anyway...

We brought home Indian food.

And I know that moving can be stressful,

and I find that, when I'm undergoing stress,

that good food and company can have a comforting effect.

Also, curry is a natural laxative,

and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is just...

one less thing to worry about.

I'm no expert, but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation

you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

You're inviting me over to eat?

That's so nice, I'd love to.

Great.

So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Today, we tried masturbating for money.

Well, make yourself at home.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?

Actually, that's my work.

Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics.

A little string theory doodling around the edges.

That part there, that's just a joke.

It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.

So you're like one of those beautiful mind genius guys?

This is really impressive.

I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.

Holy smokes!

If by holy smokes,

you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find

scribbled on the wall of any man's room in MIT, sure.

- What? - Come on.

Who hasn't seen this differential below here? I sit broken-hearted.

At least, I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions

just to make the math come out.

I didn't invent them. They're there.

In what universe?

In all of them, that is the point.

Do you guys mind if I start?

That's where I sit.

So sit next to me.

No, I sit there.

What's the difference?

- What's the difference? - Here we go.

In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm,

and yet not so close as to cause perspiration.

In the summer, it's in the path of a cross breeze

created by opening windows there and there.

It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct

that's discourageing conversation,

nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion.

I could go on, but...

I think I've made my point.

Do you want me to move?

- Well... - Just sit somewhere else.

Fine.

Sheldon, sit.

Well, this is nice.

We don't have a lot of company over.

That's not true, Koothrappali and Wolowitz come over all the time.

- I know... - Tuesday night,

- we played Klingon boggle until 1 a.m. - Yeah, I remember.

I resent you saying we don't have company.

- Sorry. - It's a negative...

I said I'm sorry.

So... Klingon boggle?

Yeah, it's like regular boggle, but in Klingon.

That's probably enough about us, so tell us about you.

Me? Okay.

I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you more than you need to know.

Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion

that the sun's apparent position related to arbitrarily defined constellations

and the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Participate in the what?

I think what Sheldon is trying to say

is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.

Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Okay, let's see, what else...

I'm a vegetarian. No, except for fish.

And the occasional steak. I love steak!

That's interesting.

Leonard can't process corn.

What-- Do you have some sort of a job?

I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

I love cheesecake.

You're lactose intolerant.

I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea.

Anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay.

It's about this sensitive girl who comes to LA from Lincoln, Nebraska,

to be an actress and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

So, it's based on your life.

No, I'm from Omaha.

Well, if that was a movie, I would go see it.

I know, right?

Let's see, what else?

That's about it.

That's the story of Penny.

That sounds wonderful.

It was.

Until I fell in love with a jerk.

What's happening?

I don't know.

God! You know, for 4 years I lived with him.

4 years! That's like as long high school!

It took you 4 years to get through high school?

Sheldon, don't.

It just... I can't believe I trusted him.

Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.

You? No, you'll only make it worse.

You wanna know the most pathetic part?

Even though I hate his lying cheating guts,

I still love him.

Is that crazy?

No, it's not crazy. It's...

It's a paradox.

A paradox is our part of nature, think about light.

If you look at Huygens, light is a wave,

as confirmed by the double-slit experiments.

But then, along comes Albert Einstein,

and discovers that light behaves like particles too.

Well, I didn't make it worse.

I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess and...

On top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving

and my stupid shower doesn't even work.

Our shower works.

Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?

- Yes. - No!

- No? - No.

It's right down the hall.

Thanks.

You guys are really sweet.

Well, this is an interesting development.

How so?

It has been some time

since we've had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

That's not true. Remember at Thanksgiving,

my grand-mother with Alzeihmer's had that episode.

Point taken. It has been some time since we've had a woman

take her clothes off after which we didn't wanna rip our eyes out.

The worse part was watching her carve that turkey.

So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?

Excuse me?

That woman in here is not gonna have sexe with you.

Well, I'm not trying to have sex with her.

Oh, good. Then you won't be disappointed.

What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me?

I'm a male and she's a female.

Yes, but not of the same species.

I'm not gonna engage in hypotheticals, here.

I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.

Of course.

That's hard to say, that if a carnal relationship

were to developed that I wouldn't participate.

However briefly.

Do you think this possibility would be helped or hindered

when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no more tears shampoo?

It's Darth Vader shampoo.

Luke Skywalker is the conditioner.

- Wait till you see this? - It's fantastic.

- Unbelievable. - See what?

It's a Steven Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974!

This isn't a good time.

It's before he became a creepy computer voice.

- That's great. You guys have to go. - Why?

It's just not a good time.

Leonard has a lady over.

Yeah, right, your grand mother back in town?

No, she's not a lady, she's just our new neighbor.

Hang on, there... There's a lady here?

And you want us out because you're anticipating coitus?

I'm not anticipating coitus.

So she is available for coitus?

Can we please just stop saying coitus?

Technically, that would be coitus interruptus.

Is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower?

Oh, hi, sorry.

Hello!

Enchant�, mademoiselle.

Howard Wolowitz, Caltech department of applied physics.

You may be familiar with some of my work.

It's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon

taking high resolution digital photographs.

Penny, I work at the Cheesecake Factory.

Come on, I'll show you the trick with the shower.

Bonne douche !

I'm sorry?

It's French for good shower.

It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.

Save it for your blog, Howard.

All right, there it goes, it sticks, I'm sorry.

- Okay, thanks! - You're welcome.

Are you just gonna step right... Okay, out.

- Hey, Leonard. - The hair products are Sheldon's.

Okay...

Can I ask you a favor?

A favor?

Sure you can ask me a favor, I would do you a favor for you.

It's okay if you say no.

Oh, I'll probably say yes.

It's just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you just met.

Why are we doing this?

Because, Penny asked me to do her a favor and I said yes.

I was hoping it would be a different sort of favor but here we are.

I don't see why she can't get her own TV.

Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.

No, I don't, and neither do you.

What, I've broken up with...

I mean, girls have broken up with....

In this case...

There's apparently some sort of dispute with her ex-boyfriend as to...

who gets custody of the TV.

She wanted to avoid having a scene with him.

So, we get to have a scene with him.

There's not going to be a scene.

There's two of us and one of him.

Leonard, the two of us can't even carry a TV.

So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the university?

I'm sorry, do you speak English?

He speaks English, he just can't speak to women.

Really? Why?

He's kind of a nerd.

Juice box?

I'll do the talking.

Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.

- Hello! - What did I just--

We're here to pick up Penny's TV.

- Get lost. - Okay, thanks for your time.

We're not gonna give up just like that.

Leonard, the TV's in the building.

We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.

Excuse me? If I were to give up at the first little hitch

I never would've been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory

in the aftermath of the Big Bang!

My apologies. What's your plan?

It's just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.

We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building!

- What d'you think their combined IQ is? - Just grab the door!

This is it.

I'll do the talking.

Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle.

I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.

From the Intercom.

How the hell did you get in the building?

We're scientists.

Tell him about our IQ.

- Leonard? - What?

My mum bought me those pants.

I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to call her.

Sheldon, I am so sorry I dragged you through this.

It's okay. It wasn't my first pants

and it won't be my last.

You were right about my motives.

I was hoping to establishe a relationship with Penny that...

might have some day led to sex.

Well, you got me out of my pants.

Anyway, I've learned my lesson.

She's outta my league. I'm done with her.

Got my work.

One day, I'll win the Nobel Prize and then I'll die alone.

Don't think like that, you're not going to die alone.

Thank you, Sheldon, you're a good friend.

You're certainly not gonna win a Nobel Prize.

This is one of my favourite places to...

kick back after a quest.

They have a great house ale.

Cool tiger.

Yeah, I've had him since level 10.

His name is Buttons.

Anyway, if you had your own game character

we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.

That sounds interesting.

So, you'll think about it?

I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it.

Smooth.

- We're home! - Oh, my god, what happened?

Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards

and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.

I'm so sorry. I really thought if you guys went

instead of me, he wouldn't be such an ass.

No, that was a valid hypothesis.

"That was a valid hypo"-- What is happening to you?

Really, thank you so much for going and trying,

just-- You're so terrific.

Why don't you put some clothes on,

I'll get my purse and dinner's on me, okay?

- Really? Great! - Thank you.

You're not done with her, are you?

Our babies will be smart and beautiful.

Not to mention imaginary.

- Is Thai food okay with you Penny? - Sure.

We can't have thai food, we had Indian for lunch.

- So? - They're both curry-based cuisines.

- So? - Would be gastronomically redondant.

I can see we're gonna have to spell out everything for this girl.

Any ideas, Raj?

Turn left on Lex Street, head up to Colorado

I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.

That sounds like fun.

I don't know what your odds are in the world as a ho,

but as far as the population of this car goes,

you're a veritable mac daddy.