Original subtitles

Wimbledon's just weeks away. It'll be all right.

I can't watch it on the telly, I just can't.

I'm getting married next week and Mummy has to be there.

Oh, I wish I'd worn some underwear now.

I want us to relocate.

Oh, darling, it's Donald Trump.

Eurgh.

Mr President.

Good evening, for some time now, the relationship between myself

and you, the people of Britain, has been a difficult one.

For some reason, you never really seem to get me.

Well, I tell you who does get me.

America.

And so it is, with a heavy heart, that I have to tell you

that you can take your British crown

and stick it where the monkey sticks his nuts.

For clarity, that's the monkey's anus.

Good night.

And goodbye.

Dad, what's this all about?

I'm gonna be King of America.

But America doesn't have any kings, why would they need a king?

They have a president.

They want the checks and balances we Windsors bring to the British

political system, I'm gonna be a stabilising influence.

And Donald Trump's OK with that?

Was his idea.

Well, this makes no sense at all.

Would you really just turn your back on the country?

Why, shouldn't I? Every suggestion I make over here is poo-pooed.

For instance, my wind-powered train.

But that won't fit through the tunnels.

It's that kind of negativity that's making us leave.

Why would Donald Trump want someone brought in above him?

Well, I think he wants someone he could really look up to.

But he's three years older than you and a famous egomaniac.

I don't care, I'm sick of waiting to be King of England.

I'm 71 years old, I've probably only got 50, 60 useful years left.

And I'm finally going to be Queen.

Not of some crappy backwater like Britain

but of the most powerful nation in the world.

We'll be going to the Oscars every year.

And we won't have to sit through

Michael McIntyre at the Royal Variety Show.

But he's only done it three times.

Well, it feels like a fuck of a lot more.

There's something very fishy about all of this.

For clarity, that's the monkey's anus.

Whoa, good for Dad.

Harry, the reason we're moving here is to get away from your family.

Yeah, but Dad's the only one who doesn't laugh

when you talk about homoeopathy.

That's true.

Like me, he's not afraid to stand up for things that others

say are stupid or made up.

DOORBELL RINGS

That must be the new nanny.

Thanks for taking care of it, for some reason, all the ones

I put through 12-hour interviews would storm out calling me a wanker.

Come in.

Pippa!

You're our new nanny?

Yes.

And I'm practically perfect in every way.

Well, what do you think?

Why would you wanna be our nanny?

I really need the job.

Johnny's lost everything again.

We're totally ruined.

Well, I never heard anything. No.

No, we erm, wanted to keep it quiet,

so, erm, where's little Archie?

Oh, is he in here?

No, that's a suitcase.

He's in the pushchair.

Ah, of course I never put my one, erm...

Arthur.

Exactly, I never put him in a suitcase when I fly.

Harry, could I have a quick word?

I don't think this is a good idea.

You and Pippa do have history.

Don't worry, Meghan, she might be in my wank bank,

but there's only one woman in my heart.

Oh.

Oh, isn't he lovely?

OK, Pippa, you're hired.

Thank you, ma'am.

Here we are, girls.

Oh, I do love a wedding.

Reminds me of when I married your father.

The kiss on the balcony with 100,000 people watching.

Yeah.

Makes me realise why people like dogging actually.

Not that I've ever been dogging.

What you gonna do for the dress?

Erm, shiny satin, puff ball sleeve, shoulder pads?

No, I was thinking something a bit more simple and elegant.

Oh, right.

No, I mean, it's your day.

I can't believe it's finally happening.

My dream wedding.

In Windsor Great Chapel with 850 people watching

as I become Mrs Count Eduardo Mapelli Mozzi.

So, who's going to walk you down the aisle?

Daddy, of course.

Daddy? Well, he can't do it.

Why? He walked you down the aisle.

Well, since then, the landscape's changed.

You know, the unpleasantness.

I only just got in under the wire.

Oh, there are other people that could walk you down the aisle.

Like Uncle Charles?

But every Christmas at Balmoral, he made you sleep in the wood shed.

Nope.

Don't mean Charles. No, . . .

no, I was thinking, erm, someone a little closer to home.

Erm, perhaps someone who did more of the heavy lifting

when you were growing up.

Nanny? No.

Er, you're not making any sense. I want Daddy.

Unfortunately, so do a lot of American lawyers.

So what you're saying is I can either have a big wedding

without Daddy, or a small wedding with him?

Thanks for dinner, Donald,

and I, for one, didn't think that Trump Tower was absolutely ghastly.

I just love the way you talk.

So classy.

That's what you bring to the party. Class.

Donald, back in Britain,

one of my most important jobs was the Maundy Money ceremony

and I was wondering if we could have a day here where old age pensioners

wait in the cold for me to give them money they can't spend in shops.

You got it.

Here's something else you got.

The Royal Yacht Americana.

Four times the size of the Royal Yacht Britannia.

She's a beauty.

I'll never forget the day that Britannia was decommissioned,

the only time I've ever seen Mummy and Daddy express emotion.

It's a beautiful story.

Gooo!

King Charles preparing to board.

Care to take the bridge, sir?

Why, thank you.

Lemming speed. Gooo!

Great plan you came up with, so clever, so simple, like me.

I want you, I haven't felt this way

since Stormy Daniels, which never happened.

Fake news.

Not until after the Coronation.

But when my husband sits on the throne of America,

I'll sit on whatever you like. Grrrrr.

To Harry and Meghan and their new life in North America.

Hooray!

And to think the British tabloid press have got everyone thinking

that we're feuding.

Oh, the tabloid journalists don't half get up to some tricks.

Cheeky buggers.

He's just gone down, ma'am.

Pippa!

Are you Harry and Meghan's new nanny?

Yes, and we don't know how we ever managed without her.

But why?

Johnny lost everything.

Again?

Oh, Meghan, I've had a thought on your UN Climate Change speech.

Climate Change speech? Sure that's a good idea?

Why? Because I can't speak out on the big issues?

No, because you flew here on a private jet.

They had to, for the safety of her family.

And in case she sat next to someone from Birmingham.

Right, and what's wrong with people from Birmingham?

Don't they deserve to sit next to a royal once in a while?

See if they have the vegetarian option or the chicken.

I always eat the vegetarian option.

Meghan, you make this speech, you're opening Pandora's Box.

And that's a notoriously difficult box to close.

Sorry about Wills.

He's a bit upset about this Coronation.

Thinks there's something fishy about it.

And what do you think?

I think it's a great excuse for a holiday, I'd better go too.

Well done on the new career, Pippa.

This could be a real turning point for you.

Ow.

So, Pippa, you had a thought on my speech?

Oh, yes, you said you wanted to reach out to the Chinese,

well, I speak Chinese, I thought

maybe I could translate some of your speech into Mandarin.

You speak Chinese?

Yes, I spent a lot of time in Hong Kong with my brother, James.

He set up a personalised marshmallow business which failed.

That's a wonderful idea.

Calling out the Chinese in their own language.

Yes, and with my help, you're going to make quite an impact.

Ah-hah, just finished my side of the guest list.

Ha-ha.

Now, there'll be a couple of Saudi princes there, who Interpol

might want to have a chat with on the day, will that be a problem?

What's all this?

Nothing, Daddy.

Just a bit emotional, eh?

Well, I must admit, I get a bit like that myself sometimes.

Thinking about me walking you down the aisle.

Daddy, you can't come to the wedding.

What?

I'm sorry.

It's just, I've always wanted a big wedding, and

after that TV interview you did,

the public just won't wear it if you're there.

I see.

I'm so sorry, Daddy.

Hah, I really do see.

Well, of course, I'll still get the Saudis to pay for everything.

Ha, I'll be all right, I'll be at home watching it on the telly

with a, with a glass of champers.

Oh, Daddy!

Well, you've done it this time, you bloody idiot.

All that privilege you've had.

You could've made the world a better place.

But, instead, you've hung about with tin pot dictators,

arms dealers, and a paedophile.

Huh, well, that stops today.

I'm going to change.

I'm going to be a better man.

Daddy, I knew it.

You are honourable.

We've got some very special guests here in the US.

Kate and William, how do you like America?

There's a looseness here that really rubs off on one.

Ha-ha-ha, wee!

It's fun, come on.

Ha-ha-ha!

You're, you're right, quite fun.

What a couple, no wonder people are asking why these two aren't

gonna be America's king and queen.

I can't find the pheasant's arse.

Not good.

Well, you were right,

America's quite a place.

I mean, have you seen the size of this sandwich? I know.

Everything's just that bit bigger and better.

Wills, Kate.

So handsome, so pretty, so hot.

Oh, Donald, why, why did you want to see us?

I caught you two on Fox News.

You're a big hit with the American people, such a big hit.

And the American people are a big hit with us.

Beautiful.

Now let me get straight to it,

I want you two to be King and Queen of America.

What? But you've already asked Dad and Camilla.

They're a tough sell. Too old.

I need a king and queen the people can get behind, I need you.

I, I don't understand why you even want a king.

Because I need controlling, I'm erratic.

Last week, I nearly nuked Italy cos I had a bad pizza.

So bad. Too many olives.

Where's my launch code?

I mean, it does sound like you'll be doing the world a favour.

And, Wills, since you came to America, I do feel that I've, erm,

blossomed as a woman.

It's like I've been in a dusty room and someone's thrown open

the shutters, I feel like I could even use a public lavatory.

Oh, I had no idea you felt this way.

So, what do you say, have we got a deal?

Shall I put you down for King and Queen?

Erm, well, can, can we have a little time to think about it?

I'm sorry but I'm gonna need an answer RIGHT NOW!

All right, we'll do it. Oh!

We need to talk.

Is it about my wind train?

The faster it goes, the windier it gets.

You're fired. What?

And this is what I think of your wind train.

Heeurghurgh. Eugh!

Aren't you forgetting something, Donald?

Without us, my plan won't work.

All I need for our plan is a senior British royal

to become America's king.

You won't get anyone else.

And I think you're forgetting about our previous encounter

back in Blighty. When you couldn't, erm, close the deal.

Are you blackmailing me? In an election year, yes.

Bring it on, Camilla.

Putin's got a video of a prostitute making pee-pee on me.

A story about me having sex with a woman my own age

would be an electoral boon.

I'm serious, Donald, I'll do it!

Don't care. Nothing sticks to me. I'm Teflon, like a pan.

And, FYI, I've already got a king and queen lined up to replace you.

And they're gonna be a much easier sell than you.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Ah, well! At least there's Britain.

Where you tell them to stick their crown

where the monkey sticks its nuts. Its anus.

Oh, this isn't over.

If there's one thing I learnt in my year as a debutante,

if someone tries to fuck you over,

you fuck them back even harder.

Bbbrr-rrrr!

Quinoa. Quinoa.

Goji berries. Banaaaana.

I like to open my vocal cords by listing superfoods.

How clever.

Good luck, Meghan. I know, whatever you say, it'll come from the heart.

Mm. Go.

APPLAUSE

The Duchess of Sussex will now

address the assembly on climate change.

SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE

AUDIENCE REACTS

GASPING

Thank you! I thought that would shake you up.

That was great! I'm still buzzing.

Your pronunciation was perfect. They'll have understood every word.

So will I get a job on the Chinese pig farm, too?

What? PHONE BUZZES

Pippa? Mm.

What did you make me say out there?

Why don't you ask your new friends?

What's going on?

I can't believe how casually dressed we are for our coronation.

We'll be able to go straight to brunch without getting changed.

Yah, we'll be just like the people we're ruling.

Oh. I mean, there are drawbacks.

We'll miss Wimbledon, but the US Open is still

quite a good tennis tournament. You all right, Wills?

Er, yah.

No.

We could never be like the people we're ruling.

Doesn't matter how many light sweaters or pairs of cargo pants we put on

they'll still have to bow to us!

Well, that's not so bad, is it?

Well, not for the British.

They're conditioned to look up to us.

But the Americans are a free, proud people

capable of independent thought.

They don't need a king!

Well, what about if we just ask them not to bow?

I'm sorry, Kate, it's not enough.

So none of the family are coming?

No. I decided I don't want a big wedding if I can't have Daddy.

So who's done the catering?

I have. I made sarnies. Oh.

Great!

But where is Daddy? We're due to start.

He said he'd changed.

Well, maybe it's time that you seriously looked at other options.

But there's no-one. He's my father.

He's supposed to walk me down the aisle.

But what about your mother? Me. The woman that gave birth to you!

And all the... the sarnies for the reception.

Why can't I walk you down the aisle?

Oh, here's Daddy now.

Ah, sorry I'm late.

I bought you these. Something blue.

Daddy! You ARE a changed man.

You know what, I think I am.

Ah! This is Nadia.

She's a professional.

Erm, physiotherapist.

She's very young, Daddy.

Is she? Huh, I just look for a good... sense of humour.

Look, how long is this gonna take? It's just I promised Nadia

I'd take her to the casino.

Actually, Mummy, you're on.

What? Really?

Hit it!

MUSIC PLAYS

I still can't believe Meghan's claimed political asylum in China.

I just didn't see it coming.

Yes, it's quite a PR coup for the People's Republic.

More champagne? So, does this mean she's left me?

You've had a lucky escape. I mean, she certainly doesn't think

much of you and your family. No.

But even though she said all those things, I think

I love her just the same.

But she's changed you.

You used to be a beer-loving rugger bugger.

Now you're a beer-loving rugger bugger

who pretends to like mindfulness.

But I do like mindliness.

And she's promised to explain what it is.

Right.

Oh, wait here.

I'll go and get her.

No need, Pippa. I'm already here.

Meghan! Oh.

I don't know what you hoped to achieve, Pippa.

I was hoping you'd be in a wooden crate on your way to Beijing.

You're the closest thing to pure evil that...

Oh, save it!

He's never gonna leave you. I know that now.

And I'm walking away. Oh, are you going back to Johnny and Arthur?

Who? Your husband and little boy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I could do.

Yah. Anyway, goodbye and good luck.

Not so fast, missy.

Oh, what now?

We've got a contract.

You're our nanny in Canada for the next six months.

But surely after all this... We struggle to keep staff.

BABY CRIES

Oh!

Donald! There he is.

So kingly, what a king! But we should go.

We need to get you crownified. And what a crown, so beautiful.

Sponsored by Burger King. Oh, yah, it's about...

Hold on! We are gonna sue you for breach of promise.

Oh, we'll do far worse than that.

Just a minute, I've got something to say.

I'm not going to be King of America.

What? What? What?

America shouldn't have... Whatever. You're back in, Charles.

Oh, I'm glad you saw it my way.

Splendid.

Well, perhaps I should say... swell! LAUGHING

Come on, let's get you coronorated.

Look, you didn't resign. I fired you.

Let's get this over with and get to the real reason I want a king.

Real reason? That's right, smart guy.

You just cut yourself out of the biggest deal in history.

Donald! When I get a British king on the throne,

Britain becomes America's 51st state.

I could turn the whole island into a huge offshore

chlorinated chicken farm.

And anything that's left, I'm gonna freakin frack the fuck out of.

You fool! Not before he's crowned.

Yuff, doesn't sound like traditional farming methods.

I knew there was something fishy going on.

Not on my watch, buster.

Szhee... Weerr...

But it was her ide... Argh!

Let's go home.

Right you are, grasshopper.

Who'd have thought that the happiest day of my life

would also be the cheapest one to cater?

There may not be any royal guests here,

but it's still a great wedding. Welcome to the club.

BOTH: Whay!

Oh, both my girls married. Oh!

Take it from me, girls, don't leave it too long to have children.

I need to be a grandma.

Also I need something for the fourth instalment of my autobiography.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, ha-ha-ha, yeah! It was a joke, that, yeah.

You came! OMG!

Could hardly miss a royal wedding, could we?

Unfortunately Daddy's not here. Oh, wonderful.

MUSIC PLAYS

You all right, Dad?

Oh, I just really wanted to be King of America.

You will be a king.

But here in the country you belong.

A country where we drink warm beer, play cricket on the village green,

and eat cod and chips out of newspaper.

Oh, you've never done any of those things in your life.

No, but I always meant to.

You see, unlike America, Britain actually needs a king.

I mean, without it what would happen to our class system?

Or the people who collect biscuit tins with our face on.

Or the simple idea that some people are just better than others?

You're right.

Now I've given it some consideration,

America was rather vulgar.

Britain's where we belong.

And though we Windsors may seem

a needless drain on the country's finances

and lack the expertise, charisma, and the basic

intelligence to go with leadership,

we are still Britain's royal family.

It's the law.

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