Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,516
(VACUUM CLEANER HUMS)
2
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,477
I'm 30 today.
3
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,151
My mum got me up really early this morning
to give me my present.
4
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,350
Yeah, this is it, actually. It's nice.
5
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,631
I'm into... I like ballet.
I love the novels of Proust.
6
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:52,150
I love the work of Alain Delon.
7
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,840
And that's, I think, what influenced her
8
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,632
into buying me Hat FM.
9
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,910
I like the radio too.
10
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,679
It's all right. I think it's quite a sweet present.
11
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:08,393
I have to make sure Finchy gets here
on time for the quiz tonight.
12
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,999
Seven o'clock on the dot.
13
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,873
Six... Six years in a row. Winners.
14
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,797
So er... you know...
15
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,194
Finchy!
16
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,073
Brent. All right?
17
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,556
Don't forget tonight.
Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on.
18
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:26,112
What's black and slides
down Nelson's Column? Dunno.
19
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,599
Winnie Mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good.
20
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:33,429
No, it's not racist. I thought
the column because he's... Yeah.
21
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,279
And she is black, and she's married.
It's not even low.
22
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,958
Seven. Cheers. Bye.
23
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,909
What you doing in so early? Shit the bed?
24
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,271
No. I haven't done that for weeks.
25
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,870
No. My mum got me up at quarter
to seven to give me a birthday present.
26
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,638
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
27
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,034
What did she get you?
28
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,032
Something you can wear.
29
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,474
- The hat?
- The hat, yes. Well done.
30
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:20,793
Hiya. All right?
31
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:22,956
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you very much.
32
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:24,914
Ta.
33
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,917
- Right.
- Nice hat.
34
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,314
Thanks.
35
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,158
Um... Good. That's all in order.
36
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,957
What's the difference
between your wages and your penis?
37
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,753
I can find lots of women
who will blow your wages.
38
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,598
- What's that?
- I don't know.
39
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,392
Why does that happen?
40
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,395
Lock up your daughters, as they say.
41
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,317
Finch is on his way in for the quiz.
42
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,795
Chris Finch. Innit, Gareth?
43
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,239
Yeah.
44
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:58,148
You'll only be able to use 20% of it
when you get me and him together!
45
00:02:58,280 --> 00:02:59,998
Gareth, innit?
46
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:03,793
Hat.
47
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,832
- It's Tim's birthday.
- Oh, yeah?
48
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,870
To be honest, I think you're mad
to let me and Finchy on the telly!
49
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,639
We're like Morecambe and Wise
when we get together.
50
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,638
Not Morecambe and Wise,
because there's no straight man,
51
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,318
there's no dead wood.
52
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:25,153
So, um... I'm more sort of character based,
and he's more of a gag man.
53
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,633
I do gags as well.
54
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,399
I mean, good together... by now.
55
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,796
We sort of read each other's minds
when we're doing a bit of stick.
56
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:36,674
We're just cracking up, and people
watching go, "Why is that funny?"
57
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,997
We tell them why and they go,
"Yeah. You are the best."
58
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,633
Their opinion.
59
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,599
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
60
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,358
- Which one is it?
- It's 30.
61
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,994
The big 3-0. That's the worst one, isn't it?
62
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,588
I know what you're thinking -
"My youth's over."
63
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:55,510
When I was 30, like you, I was going,
"I'm in a rubbish job.
64
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,518
"Nothing good ever happens to me.
When will it change?"
65
00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:00,039
But, you know...
66
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,079
- Things do change.
- Mmm.
67
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,909
And it could be worse.
There's a neighbour of mine, Kelvin...
68
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,070
he's 32 and still lives with his parents.
69
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,191
- I live with my parents.
- Cherish them.
70
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,629
You will miss them when they're not around.
71
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,592
Both um...
72
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,199
Both of mine are dead.
73
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:19,714
Oh.
74
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,114
So er...
75
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,232
Dad isn't dead. He's in a home.
76
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,473
So as good as.
77
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,636
Shot to bits. He was... Oh, God.
78
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,991
Called out the other night -
three a.m. - by the nurses.
79
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,999
He was convinced there was a Japanese sniper
on the roof of Debenhams.
80
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,712
Does that look into his room?
81
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:40,274
The back of the roof looks into his room, yeah.
82
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:45,315
Good spot. That's where I'd be
if I had to take someone out that lived there.
83
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:51,839
And I had to go up to the room with him,
and go, "Look, Dad, there's no Japanese sniper."
84
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,349
- Who was up there?
- No one was there.
85
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,869
It was his imagination. There was no one there.
86
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,479
Lucky. That's lucky.
87
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,955
If there was a sniper, you wouldn't see him.
88
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,356
You'd be like, "Oh... oh... No one there."
89
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,389
Anyway, he is a vegetable now.
90
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,477
And that's something
we've all got to look forward to.
91
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,639
Happy birthday.
92
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:22,874
See you later.
93
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,634
Wotcher.
94
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,152
Get him over.
95
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,555
Tim? Got you a pressie.
96
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,352
- Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you.
- Happy birthday, mate.
97
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,710
Thanks, Lee. You're a good man.
98
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,598
This is exciting.
99
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,918
This is big. Big and exciting.
100
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,877
It's a big, exciting, huge inflatable cock.
101
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,355
- You can sit on that if you like.
- Yes.
102
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,710
It's not just from me, it's from Dawn too.
103
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,353
You haven't got one already?
104
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,755
Um, no. You can never have too many anyway.
105
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,836
And you do prefer it to the money?
106
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,713
Yes. I'd only have spent it
on a huge inflatable cock.
107
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,398
That is...
108
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,795
Stop playing with it! Did you get him that?
109
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,036
Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that.
110
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,277
- Let's have a look.
- Doing, doing!
111
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,038
Ex-sperminate!
112
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,832
Oh, no, no.
113
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,599
Hello, Austin Powers. I'm the naked Mini Me.
114
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,679
I've got one.
Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town!
115
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,074
Dickhead.
116
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,589
Ringo Starr. Whose Line Is It Anyway?
117
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:39,070
Don't grab it unless you've got one ready.
118
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,952
Oh, that is brilliant.
119
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,192
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
120
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,073
Remember, you're only as old
as the woman you feel.
121
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:49,316
- I say that.
- I heard you the other day.
122
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:53,115
I don't mind influencing a young comedian -
you're not a comedian -
123
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,073
but I usually credit someone
if I use their comedy.
124
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,078
- What ones of yours do I use?
- Same shit, different day.
125
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:00,474
That's mine.
126
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,750
Ex-squeeze me, instead of excuse me.
127
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,997
- Oh, wank you very much.
- Yeah. I invented that one.
128
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,759
Say that to a waiter or something.
Wank you very much!
129
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,279
And here's one.
Witnesses that I started this one.
130
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,790
If someone's unlucky, you go,
"I'm not saying he's unlucky,
131
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,797
"but if he fell in a barrel full of tits,
132
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,434
"he'd come up sucking his own thumb."
133
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,710
Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs.
134
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,114
Do ya?
135
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,159
Got you!
136
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,358
They're cracking up.
137
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,554
Oh, God...
138
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,955
Yeah. There are limits to my comedy.
139
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,879
There are things I would never laugh at.
140
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,274
Um...
141
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,118
The handicapped...
142
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,669
because there's nothing funny about them.
143
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,389
Or any deformity.
144
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,276
Yeah? Um...
145
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:56,996
It's like when you see someone look
at a little handicapped and go,
146
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:01,079
"Oh, look at him. He's not
able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced."
147
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,474
Yeah?
148
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,876
Well, at least the little
handicapped fella is able-minded.
149
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,190
Unless he's not. It's difficult
to tell with the wheelchair ones.
150
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,550
So just give generously to all of them.
151
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,718
Guys? Don't forget to say
happy birthday to Tim.
152
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:22,150
And, also, we'll be
going out for drinks later.
153
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:23,759
Not tonight.
154
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,199
- Why?
- Quiz.
155
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,039
Well, we can go out before.
When does it start?
156
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,754
- Seven. Always.
- OK. Drinks at six.
157
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,838
- Did you get him a gift?
- No. But it starts at seven.
158
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,428
I know. Well, OK. Drinks at six.
159
00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:39,074
- Shall I get him a card from you?
- Whatever.
160
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,714
Finch is coming down,
so be ready at seven.
161
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,398
Drinks at six.
162
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,192
But starts at seven.
163
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:46,673
Drinks at six.
164
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,512
Studying? Quiz.
165
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,676
Are you a team again?
166
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,271
Just three of you, is it?
167
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,754
Yeah.
168
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,915
- Are you excited?
- Looking forward to it.
169
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:05,792
It's not the first though.
170
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,037
I er... was on "Blockbusters".
171
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,909
- What, on the telly?
- Yeah.
172
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,719
Were you the two or by yourself?
If there's two of you, it's cheating.
173
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,796
- Yeah. Just one.
- Just one.
174
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,433
Did you win anything or...?
175
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,199
Yeah. Two Gold Runs.
Camping equipment, Walkman.
176
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,312
- I usually get five, to be honest.
- Five Gold Runs?
177
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,113
But you know you have to answer
loads of questions before...?
178
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,958
- Yeah, I do.
- You'd get them all?
179
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,231
Give me one of the ones you had.
Fingers on the buzzers.
180
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,351
Um... OK.
181
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:42,679
Right. Which Y was... Which Y had
a hit single with "The Only Way Is Up"
182
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:45,109
- and sang with Plastic Population?
- Yazoo!
183
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,912
- Yazz.
- Yup.
184
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,393
- You said Yazoo.
- I know.
185
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,954
What's your cut-off point? Yazz.
186
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,719
But you said Yazoo first.
You would have got it wrong.
187
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,116
- I wouldn't have said that.
- You'd have been all right, then.
188
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,992
I'll give you one.
189
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,677
- Do you want a hand?
- No, no.
190
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,759
- Are you getting it?
- Yeah. It's a tiny bit loud.
191
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,154
Sorry.
192
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,838
Can I have it when you've finished?
193
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,837
- Yeah.
- When will you be finished?
194
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,713
I don't know. Maybe we could share it.
195
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:26,594
- OK. I'll just have it on weekends!
- OK.
196
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:34,188
- This is taking forever...
- No, it was going to be what D,
197
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,959
and the answer was going to be Dostoyevsky.
198
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,469
- I couldn't think of the question.
- All right.
199
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,797
What D was a Russian dissident
who wrote "Crime and Punishment"?
200
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,068
- Would you have got that?
- I'd have had a guess.
201
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,077
You don't get prizes for guessing.
202
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,434
Unlucky.
203
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,834
See you later.
204
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,708
You can't come in here. Quiz officials only.
205
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,593
- What are you doing?
- I'm doing the questions.
206
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,393
- Get out or I'll report you.
- Are these the questions?
207
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,637
Do not look at those! Right. You're disqualified.
208
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,718
Gareth, we're having an argument.
We need your help.
209
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,434
- Not interested.
- No. You can help.
210
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,232
No. I haven't got time to help.
211
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,999
- Right. It's about the army.
- Go on, then, quick.
212
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,792
I was wondering
213
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,878
if a military man like you -
214
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,877
a soldier -
215
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,595
could you give a man a lethal blow?
216
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,712
If I was forced to.
I could if it was absolutely necessary.
217
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,911
If he was attacking me.
218
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,679
If he was coming really hard.
219
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,511
Yeah. If my life was in danger, yeah.
220
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,237
And do you always imagine doing it
face to face with a bloke
221
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,635
or could you take a man from behind?
222
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,592
- Either way is easy.
- Either way.
223
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,029
And so you could do a man from behind?
224
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,515
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Lovely.
225
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:09,350
It's got an error - an offline error 324.
226
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,630
So I'm going to have to take the paper out.
227
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:13,833
That comes out.
228
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,279
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
229
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,757
Do you know anything about these?
It's got an offline 243 error.
230
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,553
- No...
- I don't really know what that is.
231
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:26,309
You know we were talking earlier
about Dostoyevsky?
232
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,159
- Oh, yeah?
- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky.
233
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:33,559
- Born 1821. Died 1881.
- That's right.
234
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,956
Just interested in him being exiled
in Siberia for four years.
235
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,629
Well, I don't know much about that.
I didn't cover it, really.
236
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,435
All it is is that he was a member
of a secret political party,
237
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:47,870
and they put him in a Siberian
labour camp for four years,
238
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,638
so... you know.
239
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,110
Hang on. I read about it in er...
240
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,518
He wrote "House of the Dead".
241
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,598
I think he put all his memoirs in that.
242
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,159
Didn't he?
243
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,194
Yup.
244
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,159
Oh, well.
245
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,758
So... you've dug your foxhole,
246
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,632
and you've pitched your tent...
247
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,716
they've discovered your camp,
248
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,674
and you're lying there,
they've caught you with your trousers down,
249
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,997
and they've all entered your hole
without you knowing.
250
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,917
No, because I'd be ready for them.
251
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,190
You'd be lying there waiting for it?
252
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,517
Yeah. Well, no. It's more likely
that I wouldn't be there
253
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,278
if I knew they knew where I was.
254
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,790
I'd be hiding, watching the hole,
using it as a trap.
255
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,754
- You'd be using your hole as bait?
- Yeah.
256
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,430
You're 30, and you're getting off
on pretending Gareth's gay.
257
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,274
What?
258
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,674
What?!
259
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,630
I think she's been on the waccy baccy!
260
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,071
Oh... what's that?
261
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,398
It's very complicated.
Open that, put that in there,
262
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,909
put that down there, and you...
263
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,156
- Hiya.
...push the green button.
264
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,352
Were we talking about
Dostoyevsky's "House of the Dead"?
265
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,676
- Yeah. I think we mentioned it.
- Which he wrote in 1862.
266
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,475
I was just going to say
that it wasn't his first major work.
267
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:22,874
Wasn't it?
268
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,878
No. His first major work
was "Notes from the Underground,"
269
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,389
which he wrote in St Petersburg
in 1859.
270
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:29,999
- Really?
- Yup. Definitely.
271
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,476
Well, of course, my favourite is
"The Raw Youth".
272
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,433
It's basically where Dostoyevsky
goes on to explain
273
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:40,553
how science can't really find
answers for the deeper human need.
274
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:41,999
He does.
275
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,471
It ain't going to be a flashy wedding.
276
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,318
- Heaven forbid.
- No.
277
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,749
It'll just be a registry office. Save money.
278
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,474
Then we'll move in with my mum
for a few months.
279
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,874
- Save on rent.
- Yeah.
280
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,070
Let Dawn get a few kiddies under her belt.
281
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,919
Which'll be nice because my mum
can look after them.
282
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:06,396
Then you'll probably get a part-time
cleaning job or something.
283
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,556
Got to dream a dream.
284
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,074
What's that?
285
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,475
I was just laughing at what Dawn said.
286
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,114
- As you're such a big high flyer.
- No.
287
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,231
I was laughing at her joke, that's all.
288
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,033
When you get a life,
you can take the mickey out of ours.
289
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,118
- I'm not having a go.
- No, it doesn't matter.
290
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,152
I don't mean to have a go at you.
You're fine. No worries.
291
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,271
- We've all had a coffee.
- No worries.
292
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,037
Is it questions?
293
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,151
Is it an intro? What I'm saying is...
294
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:37,713
Oi! Finchy!
295
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,357
When's it due?
296
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,471
Here we go. Fasten your seatbelts.
297
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,433
- There's not one big enough!
- All bought and paid for.
298
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:49,109
I'm not saying he's fat, but when
he jumps in the air, he gets stuck.
299
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,199
I'm David Brent. I'm David Brent.
300
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,276
Jim Carrey on acid!
301
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,233
You know what they say,
there's none so queer as folk.
302
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,954
- Or David Brent.
- Oh, speak to yourself...
303
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,469
Spit it out - as your boyfriend said last night!
304
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,478
- I was just going to say that.
- I don't have a boyfriend.
305
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,431
- Can't get a word in edgeways!
- A what?
306
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,755
- Ooh, matron!
- You can have that one, lad.
307
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,552
Oh, that one always...
308
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:12,999
Oh, God.
309
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:14,874
Finchy.
310
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,391
Come and check out the opposition.
311
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,271
- Ricky, this is Chris.
- Hello, mate.
312
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,789
Chris Finch. I heard about "Blockbusters".
313
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,469
You'll need more than that tonight.
I heard about you and Dostoyevsky.
314
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,070
I read a book a week, so a question
like that won't catch me out.
315
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,158
- While you're down there, love...!
- Close, but harmless.
316
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,158
Give me half hour with her,
I'll be up to my nuts in guts.
317
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,919
Sorry. Exactly which books
do you read every week?
318
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,157
Science... Science and nature.
319
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,272
Everything on the Trivia board.
All those subjects.
320
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,719
In books.
321
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,991
This lot sound like they haven't
read a book between them!
322
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,873
- College boys.
- Bloody students. Waste of space.
323
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,868
"Oh, I don't do anything all day,
but I need more money to do it."
324
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,274
Political.
325
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,868
Yeah. I had a job when I was studying, so...
326
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,671
Yeah, right! And what was your job?
327
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,519
Professor in charge of watching
"Countdown" every day?
328
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,309
That's clever and funny.
I bloody hate him. That's why we get on.
329
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,034
Similar.
330
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,672
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
331
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,436
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
332
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:32,439
Welcome to the seventh annual
Wernham Hogg quiz night.
333
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:37,156
Current champions are
this team here - The Dead Parrots.
334
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,032
- Fit enough to fly.
- He sleeps.
335
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,436
If you hadn't nailed him to the perch,
he'd be pushing up daisies!
336
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,314
Monty Python.
337
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,748
- Question one. All right...
- Hang on.
338
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,677
David, we haven't...
339
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,439
Oh, yeah. Tim's birthday today.
340
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,596
He's 30 years young - as I always say.
341
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,472
(APPLAUSE)
342
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:02,117
So what better way to celebrate
than a battle of wits?
343
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,559
Speech!
344
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,758
OK. Question one...
345
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,235
In the mid 1960s,
346
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,397
the U.S. Army replaced
all existing infantry guns
347
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:17,390
with the M-16 rifle, and which
fixed-rate, repeat-fire machine gun?
348
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,478
- You what?
- Write the answer if you know it.
349
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,394
Next.
350
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,115
We've been quiz champions for six years now.
351
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,959
We nearly lost it two years ago, unjustly.
352
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,072
Gareth was quizmaster then
and the question was,
353
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,351
what type of alien is Mr Spock?
354
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,517
Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect.
355
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:43,911
Mr Spock is half Vulcan, half human, OK?
356
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,554
And Gareth went, "Oh, everyone gets one point,"
357
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,750
but I said, "No, everyone does not!
358
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,872
"Carpet Munchers don't get a point,
Dr Wankenstein doesn't.
359
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,195
"Steven Hawking's Football Boots don't. I do."
360
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,954
I had to go home to get a book to prove it.
361
00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:00,959
They went, "Oh, yeah, you're right.
Well done. You've won. Sorry".
362
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,799
No apologies necessary.
Let's get on with the quiz.
363
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,751
Remember. Learn.
364
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,118
OK. Question two.
365
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,151
In the song "19" by Paul Hardcastle,
366
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,239
he told us that the average age
of a soldier in the Vietnam war was 19.
367
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,955
Hardcastle also told us
the average age of a soldier
368
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,230
in the Second World War. What was it?
369
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,635
Gareth, are all these going to be about war?
370
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,239
No. I got loads of...
371
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,557
I got one on tennis,
one on the Suez Canal. Loads.
372
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,998
OK. Question three.
373
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:35,590
Which canal links the Mediterranean
with the Red Sea?
374
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,309
Oh, I don't want to talk about Mr Spock.
That was sorted out then.
375
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:44,271
Questions were asked.
Certain parties weren't happy.
376
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,868
The questions were solved. End of discussion.
377
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,877
All right? Don't rake up old graves.
378
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,916
I don't want to go through all that again -
379
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,873
whether he's a Vulcan or a human or vice versa.
380
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,633
All I will say is what I said at the time. OK?
381
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,318
Look at his ears.
382
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:05,630
How could you confuse Howard Jones
with Nick Kershaw? Shame on you.
383
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,355
- Nick Kershaw's the little bloke...
- Howard Jones has the...
384
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,551
That round's about old entertainment.
385
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,398
It's about old entertainment.
386
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,432
It's all about late '60s, early '70s.
387
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:20,474
- Which insect produces gossamer?
- Sshh! Come on, man.
388
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,750
- Which insect produces gossamer?
- What?
389
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,950
- I want you to answer, Finchy!
- What is it?
390
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,513
It's a spider.
391
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,995
A spider is an arachnid and not an insect.
392
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,076
- Ha, yes!
- Six legs or eight legs.
393
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,316
- Thank you. Am I right?
- Two out.
394
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,033
Shame on you.
395
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:40,149
Ha! Eight legs, six legs. Eight legs, six legs.
396
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,716
You just need to spend a few
a terms at the university of life.
397
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,877
A spider is not an insect officially.
398
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,356
(RICK) We'll see, we'll see.
We'll see when this is over.
399
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,269
People go, "Why is it important,
a question about Mr Spock?"
400
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:58,518
I go, "It's like saying,
I've got a new pedigree dog breed.
401
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,676
"It's half Alsatian, half labrador".
402
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:04,475
I go to Crufts, "Can I enter
this dog in the labrador section?"
403
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,717
"No." "Why?"
"Because it's not a labrador." "Correct."
404
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,308
"Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?" "No."
405
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,271
"Get that dog out of my sight."
406
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,868
"Thanks, I will. You've proved my point."
407
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:17,872
And that's Crufts.
408
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,797
Who had a hit single with "Don't Speak"?
409
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,911
No Doubt. I thought it might be No Doubt.
410
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,395
Why did you say Four Non Blondes, then?
411
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,590
I got Hooty the Blowfish, so let's move on.
412
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,756
East... East Side.
413
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,554
Oi.
414
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,398
- I didn't know.
- You do know.
415
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,999
Didn't know.
416
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,752
- Missed.
- Did I?
417
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,440
I said No Doubt.
It's the first thing that came in.
418
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,630
Then you're putting this thing in my mind.
419
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,320
Poison with your bloody Four Non Blondes.
420
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,431
- Eh?
- Both good groups.
421
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,198
Just don't guess.
422
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,992
Think logical. Think.
423
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,156
There's no logic to music, it's art.
424
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,155
Is this the first time you've lost?
425
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,350
The right questions aren't coming up.
426
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,516
Isn't it supposed to be random?
427
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,438
Yeah. Randomly awful.
428
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,552
- I'll choose the questions.
- Good quizmaster.
429
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,352
- Choose a topic.
- Sport.
430
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,789
- What's the capital of Iceland?
- Reykjavik.
431
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,151
- Is that still a sport?
- All right. You. Capital of Borneo?
432
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,271
- I don't care.
- See? It doesn't have one.
433
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,789
You didn't get any of those.
(MOBILE RINGS)
434
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,390
- And they were random, yeah.
- It wasn't really random.
435
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,873
(DAVID) Hello, Doctor.
436
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,077
He's asking after me?
437
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,795
No. There's no way I can get away now.
I'm snowed under at work.
438
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,148
Can't you give him something
to help him sleep?
439
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:46,952
OK. Yeah.
440
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,389
OK. Thanks. Oh...
441
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:53,115
You don't know who sang
"In the Summertime" do you?
442
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:57,031
Mungo Jerry. OK. Yup, yup. Cheers.
443
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,956
Ha ha! Very funny. Do you want
to hear the results or not?
444
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,953
OK. In position number four,
Universally Challenged.
445
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,151
Third place goes to...
446
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,713
Malcolm and Dennis!
447
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:31,271
Er, which means that... Well...
448
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:37,233
It's a dead heat between
the Dead Parrots and The Tits.
449
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,516
So tie-breaker situation.
450
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,837
Send one member of each
of your teams up for a tie-breaker.
451
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,914
All right. Come and stand here.
Tie-breaker question. Are you ready?
452
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,759
First person to shout out
the correct answer wins.
453
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,472
All right? So, if you're ready.
454
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:57,479
Which Shakespeare play features
a character called Caliban?
455
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,591
- "Macbeth."
- No. Ricky?
456
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,632
- "Midsummer Night's Dream." "Hamlet."
- You've had your go.
457
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:06,196
You said the first person to shout the answer.
You didn't say you only had one chance.
458
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,515
- "The Tempest."
- "The Tempest." He's got it!
459
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,950
There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners.
460
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,513
That's Blockbusters!
461
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,756
You didn't say you only had one go.
462
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,758
You said the first person
to shout out the answer wins.
463
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,871
First person. That's my point.
464
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,593
Here he is. Chris Finch.
Or is it Hamlet? Is it Macbeth?
465
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:51,315
I'll write the questions next time
and you can have this fat bastard.
466
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,078
- Banter.
- No, it's not banter.
467
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,919
- Not now.
- OK. When we had the question,
468
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:59,191
name the Cuban leader
who's been in power since 1959...
469
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,993
- Fidel Castro.
- You know it now. What did you say?
470
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:05,590
- It's in that situation...
- Tell them. What did you say then?
471
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,517
What did you say then? Go on.
472
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,593
Who's the Cuban leader?
473
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,114
Fray Bentos.
474
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,710
No wonder this place is going down
the pan. You're a waste of space.
475
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,990
Don't get at him just 'cause they beat you.
476
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:22,872
- They beat me?
- Yes.
477
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,195
I could list 50 things I could beat them at.
478
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,151
- Like what?
- Throwing.
479
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,157
Throwing. No. That's good.
480
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,794
The landlord of the Lamb pub in Chichester
481
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:35,390
challenges me to throw one
of these copper kettles over his pub.
482
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,193
So I take off my tie, tie it to the handle...
483
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,434
Did it go over?
484
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,755
Obviously. That's actually
an official Territorial Army method
485
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:50,509
if you're in the jungle,
except you'd use vines from the trees.
486
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,791
- Or a kettle?
- No, the equivalent. Coconut.
487
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,673
I will throw anything
you choose over this building.
488
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,995
- If I do it, we win the quiz.
- New challenge.
489
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,031
- Double or quits.
- It's a challenge.
490
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,958
So if he can throw it over,
we've won the champagne,
491
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,913
- and that was the real quiz.
- Choose one thing.
492
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,793
You really are a couple of sad little men.
493
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,559
He's thrown a kettle over a pub,
what have you done?
494
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,671
Do you want a challenge or not?
495
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,109
If I do it, we win the quiz and the prize.
496
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,912
That's the real quiz.
497
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:20,632
Choose something.
498
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,957
- A chair?
- No, not a chair.
499
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,991
- Throw Gareth over.
- No, seriously...
500
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,350
How about birthday boy? Throw him over.
501
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,391
- Throw his shoes over.
- His shoes.
502
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,511
No, no!
503
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,711
It's just a challenge.
504
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,876
Tickle him! Tickle him!
505
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:41,074
Oi!
506
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,992
- Using the tie method?
- Oh, no. The shoelaces.
507
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,953
- He's using the laces.
- Bastard! I knew he would!
508
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:50,354
That'll work!
509
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:51,834
So, Finch...
510
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,752
- Thank you very much...
- You'll get it back.
511
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,032
How are we going to know if it goes over?
512
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,151
Go and check. Sussed. Go on.
513
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,351
Right. Here we go.
514
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,717
Two... and three... and four...
515
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,874
- Hooray!
- Oh, yes!
516
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:16,559
Looking good.
517
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,796
- Come on now.
- Did it go over?
518
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,388
- Did it go over?
- Yeah. It came right past me.
519
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:24,754
The Wonder Horse!
520
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,632
Screw "Blockbusters"!
521
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,149
Screw Bob Holness and screw your Gold Run.
522
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,350
- I'm a loser.
- You're shit, you're shit!
523
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,436
- That's the boss.
- Yes, I am the boss.
524
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,074
Like Springsteen. Born to run.
The Slough branch.
525
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,873
Your university education
didn't help you there.
526
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,594
Let that be a lesson to you.
Respect your elders
527
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,631
and do not fuck with the big boys.
528
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,512
- Life! Life!
- Chuck his hat over.
529
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,631
No, don't! It's a radio as well.
530
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:52,872
What an office. What an office!
531
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,553
- Do you want any...?
- Come on. See you, Tim.
532
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,758
See you later.
533
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:20,668
# And what becomes of you, my love,
534
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:26,718
# When they have finally stripped you of
535
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:29,635
# The handbags and the gladrags
536
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:34,550
# That your granddad had to sweat
so you could buy
537
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:51,158
# They told me you missed school today
538
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:57,356
# So what I suggest
you just blow them all away
539
00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,190
# The handbags and the gladrags
540
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:04,871
# That your granddad had to sweat
so you could buy. #
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net
42189
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.