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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,150 --> 00:00:31,650 Is the sweetheart you married.... 2 00:00:31,650 --> 00:00:33,550 the husband you expected him to be? 3 00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:34,750 Has the war created... 4 00:00:34,750 --> 00:00:37,050 new problems for you in your marriage? 5 00:00:37,050 --> 00:00:39,050 To answer these and other personal problems... 6 00:00:39,050 --> 00:00:40,550 John J. Anthony... 7 00:00:40,550 --> 00:00:43,150 founder of the famed Marital Relations lnstitute... 8 00:00:43,150 --> 00:00:45,550 in a brand-new program of daily sessions... 9 00:00:45,550 --> 00:00:47,350 of kindly and helpful advice. 10 00:00:47,350 --> 00:00:50,050 Mr. Anthony, are you ready for your first case? 11 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,450 Quite ready, George. 12 00:00:51,450 --> 00:00:54,050 The first case is that of Miss C.A. 13 00:00:54,050 --> 00:00:57,550 All right. Let's go. Your problem, please? Come in. 14 00:00:57,550 --> 00:01:01,050 Broadcasting's original program of mediation... 15 00:01:01,050 --> 00:01:01,150 "The Court Of Human Relations." Broadcasting's original program of mediation... 16 00:01:01,150 --> 00:01:03,950 "The Court Of Human Relations." 17 00:01:03,950 --> 00:01:07,350 I wonder if we're not losing sight of the fact... 18 00:01:07,350 --> 00:01:09,650 that the basic reality of life... 19 00:01:09,650 --> 00:01:12,950 is not machinery or politics or industry... 20 00:01:12,950 --> 00:01:13,050 or even rockets to the moon, but human relationships. is not machinery or politics or industry... 21 00:01:13,050 --> 00:01:17,750 or even rockets to the moon, but human relationships. 22 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,150 Tonight, one of the letters I'll discuss... 23 00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:25,250 is this one from a man who writes... Tonight, one of the letters I'll discuss... 24 00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:27,050 is this one from a man who writes... 25 00:01:27,050 --> 00:01:28,950 "My second wife is starting to resent me... 26 00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:31,350 "for all the things I did with my first wife. 27 00:01:31,350 --> 00:01:34,050 "How can I convince her that I love her... 28 00:01:34,050 --> 00:01:34,150 "and want us to have many happy years together?" "How can I convince her that I love her... 29 00:01:34,150 --> 00:01:36,850 "and want us to have many happy years together?" 30 00:01:36,850 --> 00:01:39,250 Please stay tuned. 31 00:01:39,250 --> 00:01:41,750 Possibly you see these as feminine qualities. 32 00:01:41,750 --> 00:01:41,850 Now, we all have feminine qualities. Possibly you see these as feminine qualities. 33 00:01:41,850 --> 00:01:43,650 Now, we all have feminine qualities. 34 00:01:43,650 --> 00:01:43,750 We're a part of male and female. Now, we all have feminine qualities. 35 00:01:43,750 --> 00:01:46,450 We're a part of male and female. 36 00:01:46,450 --> 00:01:49,050 Every man has a tiny vagina... 37 00:01:49,050 --> 00:01:51,250 and every woman has a tiny penis-- 38 00:01:51,250 --> 00:01:53,150 very, very tiny, but it's there. 39 00:01:53,150 --> 00:01:55,050 We are part of a total whole... 40 00:01:55,050 --> 00:01:57,450 and if we accept this whole within ourselves... 41 00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:57,550 then we can become an entire person... and if we accept this whole within ourselves... 42 00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:00,150 then we can become an entire person... 43 00:02:00,150 --> 00:02:00,250 and accept ourselves and love ourselves... then we can become an entire person... 44 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:03,050 and accept ourselves and love ourselves... 45 00:02:03,050 --> 00:02:03,150 and become lovable so others can love us as well. and accept ourselves and love ourselves... 46 00:02:03,150 --> 00:02:07,350 and become lovable so others can love us as well. 47 00:02:09,550 --> 00:02:11,950 Yes, that's right. 48 00:02:28,550 --> 00:02:33,050 -Burns, someone escaped. -Oh, good. 49 00:02:33,050 --> 00:02:33,150 Goddamn it! How did Lopez get out on that ledge? -Burns, someone escaped. -Oh, good. 50 00:02:33,150 --> 00:02:36,250 Goddamn it! How did Lopez get out on that ledge? 51 00:02:36,250 --> 00:02:38,450 He stole Watkins' key and opened the window. 52 00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:38,550 Wait a minute. How did Lopez get that key? He stole Watkins' key and opened the window. 53 00:02:38,550 --> 00:02:40,950 Wait a minute. How did Lopez get that key? 54 00:02:40,950 --> 00:02:41,050 Was Watkins stoned again? Wait a minute. How did Lopez get that key? 55 00:02:41,050 --> 00:02:42,550 Was Watkins stoned again? 56 00:02:42,550 --> 00:02:44,350 Yes, sir. -All right. 57 00:02:44,350 --> 00:02:44,450 Let's go bring in Lopez, and you call Chuck... Yes, sir. -All right. 58 00:02:44,450 --> 00:02:46,950 Let's go bring in Lopez, and you call Chuck... 59 00:02:46,950 --> 00:02:47,050 and tell him, "Turn off this goddamn alarm!" Let's go bring in Lopez, and you call Chuck... 60 00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:49,550 and tell him, "Turn off this goddamn alarm!" 61 00:02:49,550 --> 00:02:51,350 It's driving me nuts! 62 00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:53,350 Hey, where are you going? 63 00:02:53,350 --> 00:02:57,150 I can't concentrate with alarm bells going off. 64 00:02:57,150 --> 00:02:59,250 I got a friend out on that ledge... 65 00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:00,650 gonna be thrown into solitary. 66 00:03:00,650 --> 00:03:00,750 That's it. No more messing around with the inmates. gonna be thrown into solitary. 67 00:03:00,750 --> 00:03:02,950 That's it. No more messing around with the inmates. 68 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,250 I'm sticking to the doctors and the guards. 69 00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:07,250 It won't be as much fun. 70 00:03:13,950 --> 00:03:17,550 I want you to come in here this instant. 71 00:03:17,550 --> 00:03:17,750 All right. Let's talk. I'm here for you. I want you to come in here this instant. 72 00:03:17,750 --> 00:03:20,650 All right. Let's talk. I'm here for you. 73 00:03:20,650 --> 00:03:20,750 I'm--I'm here to listen. All right. Let's talk. I'm here for you. 74 00:03:20,750 --> 00:03:22,050 I'm--I'm here to listen. 75 00:03:22,050 --> 00:03:24,550 -Up yours, man. -All right. 76 00:03:24,550 --> 00:03:27,150 What I hear you saying is "Up mine, man." 77 00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:30,750 Up yours. Up yours. Up yours. 78 00:03:30,750 --> 00:03:30,950 OK. What I hear you saying is a lot of up mines... Up yours. Up yours. Up yours. 79 00:03:30,950 --> 00:03:34,450 OK. What I hear you saying is a lot of up mines... 80 00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:34,550 and that's really good-- listen-- OK. What I hear you saying is a lot of up mines... 81 00:03:34,550 --> 00:03:35,950 and that's really good-- listen-- 82 00:03:35,950 --> 00:03:39,450 because you're starting to work out some of your anger. 83 00:03:39,450 --> 00:03:39,550 Go ahead, give it to me. I can take it. I'm your man. because you're starting to work out some of your anger. 84 00:03:39,550 --> 00:03:41,850 Go ahead, give it to me. I can take it. I'm your man. 85 00:03:41,850 --> 00:03:41,950 You're full of shit. Go ahead, give it to me. I can take it. I'm your man. 86 00:03:41,950 --> 00:03:43,250 You're full of shit. 87 00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:43,350 -What I hear you saying-- -Hey, I hear me saying it, too! You're full of shit. 88 00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:46,550 -What I hear you saying-- -Hey, I hear me saying it, too! 89 00:03:46,550 --> 00:03:46,650 Now back the fuck off! -What I hear you saying-- -Hey, I hear me saying it, too! 90 00:03:46,650 --> 00:03:48,150 Now back the fuck off! 91 00:03:50,450 --> 00:03:51,950 I hear you. 92 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,250 Goddamn it, I thought I told you... 93 00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:57,150 to beef up his dose of thorazine. 94 00:03:57,150 --> 00:03:59,650 -I think we did. Yeah. 95 00:03:59,650 --> 00:04:03,150 I'm your doctor! Now get the hell off this ledge! 96 00:04:03,950 --> 00:04:06,150 -Burns? -Burns! 97 00:04:06,150 --> 00:04:07,550 Dr. Baird! What the heck... 98 00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:09,650 are you two guys doing out here tonight? 99 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,150 Get out of here. 100 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:13,950 I get it. You're having a private therapy session. 101 00:04:13,950 --> 00:04:14,050 -Burns, get back now! -I want to talk to Burns. I get it. You're having a private therapy session. 102 00:04:14,050 --> 00:04:18,050 -Burns, get back now! -I want to talk to Burns. 103 00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:18,150 I don't give a shit what you want! -Burns, get back now! -I want to talk to Burns. 104 00:04:18,150 --> 00:04:19,950 I don't give a shit what you want! 105 00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:22,450 That's very sensitive of you. 106 00:04:22,450 --> 00:04:22,550 Lawrence? May I speak with you privately, inside? That's very sensitive of you. 107 00:04:22,550 --> 00:04:27,250 Lawrence? May I speak with you privately, inside? 108 00:04:31,450 --> 00:04:32,750 I can handle this. 109 00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:34,350 What makes you think you're qualified? 110 00:04:34,350 --> 00:04:35,450 This time, he's jumping. 111 00:04:35,550 --> 00:04:36,850 Next time, he may be pushing others. 112 00:04:36,850 --> 00:04:39,750 -He's a menace to society. -Only if he falls on somebody. 113 00:04:39,750 --> 00:04:43,850 Remember, I'm the doctor. You're just an inmate. 114 00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:43,950 Yes, Doctor. Now would you please close the window? Remember, I'm the doctor. You're just an inmate. 115 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:47,450 Yes, Doctor. Now would you please close the window? 116 00:05:02,050 --> 00:05:05,050 So, what's the thinking here? 117 00:05:05,050 --> 00:05:08,950 I'm thinking I can fly. And if not, who gives a shit? 118 00:05:08,950 --> 00:05:12,950 And what about our dreams, man? The dream of you and me... 119 00:05:12,950 --> 00:05:13,150 playing for the Cubs in the World Series? And what about our dreams, man? The dream of you and me... 120 00:05:13,150 --> 00:05:14,750 playing for the Cubs in the World Series? 121 00:05:14,750 --> 00:05:17,550 You're pitching. I'm catching. Bases are jammed in the ninth. 122 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,150 I call for the spitter. 123 00:05:19,150 --> 00:05:20,950 You hork up an ungodly goober... 124 00:05:20,950 --> 00:05:21,050 fire it up, the bottom drops out of the pitch. You hork up an ungodly goober... 125 00:05:21,050 --> 00:05:22,750 fire it up, the bottom drops out of the pitch. 126 00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:24,350 Mattingly strikes out! 127 00:05:24,350 --> 00:05:27,250 And when the dust clears, man, it's you and me... 128 00:05:27,250 --> 00:05:30,450 sitting around at Hef's in the grotto... 129 00:05:30,450 --> 00:05:30,550 with a bunch of ladies named Miss February. sitting around at Hef's in the grotto... 130 00:05:30,550 --> 00:05:33,150 with a bunch of ladies named Miss February. 131 00:05:33,150 --> 00:05:36,350 -No way, man. -And why not? 132 00:05:36,350 --> 00:05:37,550 'Cause even in a dream... 133 00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:39,750 the Cubs can't win a World Series. 134 00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:39,850 -To hell with it. I'm jumping. -Wait! Wait! the Cubs can't win a World Series. 135 00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:44,650 -To hell with it. I'm jumping. -Wait! Wait! 136 00:05:44,650 --> 00:05:44,750 Now, here's an aspect of your death... -To hell with it. I'm jumping. -Wait! Wait! 137 00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:46,550 Now, here's an aspect of your death... 138 00:05:46,550 --> 00:05:46,650 that you may have overlooked. Now, here's an aspect of your death... 139 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:48,550 that you may have overlooked. 140 00:05:48,650 --> 00:05:50,550 You hate Dr. Baird, don't you? 141 00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:52,750 I hate the miserable bastard. 142 00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:52,850 Just think how awful you could make him feel... I hate the miserable bastard. 143 00:05:52,850 --> 00:05:54,550 Just think how awful you could make him feel... 144 00:05:54,550 --> 00:05:56,350 if I can talk you off this ledge... 145 00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:58,150 and succeed where he failed. 146 00:06:10,350 --> 00:06:13,650 -Get in here. -Wait a minute. 147 00:06:13,650 --> 00:06:15,150 Now, all those people down there... 148 00:06:15,150 --> 00:06:15,250 have come here expecting someone to jump. Now, all those people down there... 149 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,250 have come here expecting someone to jump. 150 00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:20,150 And if nobody does, they are going to leave here... 151 00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:21,650 with an empty, unsatisfied... 152 00:06:21,650 --> 00:06:23,450 what-is-the-point-of-my-job kind of feeling. 153 00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:26,050 -Do you know what I mean? -No, and I don't care. 154 00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:26,150 Well, that's the difference between you and me. -Do you know what I mean? -No, and I don't care. 155 00:06:26,150 --> 00:06:28,850 Well, that's the difference between you and me. 156 00:06:28,850 --> 00:06:28,950 I do care. And now... Well, that's the difference between you and me. 157 00:06:28,950 --> 00:06:33,150 I do care. And now... 158 00:06:33,150 --> 00:06:39,850 diving for the Cicero County Correctional Mental Facility... 159 00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:40,050 John William Burns, Jr. diving for the Cicero County Correctional Mental Facility... 160 00:06:40,050 --> 00:06:43,050 John William Burns, Jr. 161 00:06:43,050 --> 00:06:43,150 Geronimo! Heads up! John William Burns, Jr. 162 00:06:43,150 --> 00:06:50,050 Geronimo! Heads up! 163 00:07:05,350 --> 00:07:06,550 George? 164 00:07:10,950 --> 00:07:12,850 What? 165 00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:16,850 It's a beautiful day outside. Don't you want to get up today? 166 00:07:18,950 --> 00:07:21,950 But you've been in bed for two weeks. 167 00:07:21,950 --> 00:07:23,350 So? 168 00:07:23,350 --> 00:07:26,350 Well, you're a psychiatrist. Don't you think that's odd? 169 00:07:27,650 --> 00:07:29,150 I brought you some lunch. 170 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,950 George, I really think this is one of your worst depressions. 171 00:07:35,950 --> 00:07:38,250 Am I alone in this marriage, Vera? 172 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,950 How many times do I have to tell you? 173 00:07:39,950 --> 00:07:43,050 I'm not depressed. I just need space. 174 00:07:44,950 --> 00:07:47,750 What about your radio show and your patients? 175 00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:47,850 Patients? With their petty penis problems... What about your radio show and your patients? 176 00:07:47,850 --> 00:07:50,550 Patients? With their petty penis problems... 177 00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:50,650 and their empty vaginal concerns? Patients? With their petty penis problems... 178 00:07:50,650 --> 00:07:53,950 and their empty vaginal concerns? 179 00:07:53,950 --> 00:07:54,150 Those vampires are sucking the life out of me! and their empty vaginal concerns? 180 00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:56,950 Those vampires are sucking the life out of me! 181 00:07:56,950 --> 00:07:59,450 All right, I'm going to do a little shopping. 182 00:07:59,450 --> 00:07:59,550 Can I get you anything? All right, I'm going to do a little shopping. 183 00:07:59,550 --> 00:08:00,750 Can I get you anything? 184 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,850 I love you. 185 00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:06,750 I can't deal with that, either. 186 00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:18,350 All right, George. Time to say good-bye. 187 00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:32,250 Tell me something. When did you two angels of mercy... 188 00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:32,350 first feel the burning need... Tell me something. When did you two angels of mercy... 189 00:08:32,350 --> 00:08:33,850 first feel the burning need... 190 00:08:33,850 --> 00:08:35,150 to assist the mentally handicapped? 191 00:08:35,150 --> 00:08:36,650 When we found out we could hit them... 192 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:37,850 without getting caught. 193 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:40,050 Hi, Robin. How are you? 194 00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:45,850 -He's all yours. -I've heard that before. 195 00:08:54,050 --> 00:08:56,150 So, kid, you missed my dive. 196 00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:58,450 It was a classic. But you'll be able... 197 00:08:58,450 --> 00:08:58,550 to see it on the eleven o'clock news. It was a classic. But you'll be able... 198 00:08:58,550 --> 00:09:00,350 to see it on the eleven o'clock news. 199 00:09:02,550 --> 00:09:06,550 Please, let me take you away from all of this. 200 00:09:06,550 --> 00:09:06,650 I think my boss is planning... Please, let me take you away from all of this. 201 00:09:06,650 --> 00:09:08,350 I think my boss is planning... 202 00:09:08,350 --> 00:09:10,950 to take you away from all of this. 203 00:09:12,350 --> 00:09:14,650 Dr. Lawrence Baird's office. 204 00:09:14,650 --> 00:09:16,950 I'm sorry, Dr. Baird's no longer... 205 00:09:16,950 --> 00:09:18,450 connected with this institution in any way... 206 00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:20,650 shape, fashion, or form. 207 00:09:20,650 --> 00:09:24,350 He can be reached at the Betty Ford Clinic. 208 00:09:24,350 --> 00:09:25,550 As a patient. 209 00:09:26,550 --> 00:09:29,250 What am I supposed to say when they call back? 210 00:09:29,250 --> 00:09:29,350 Tell them the truth. What am I supposed to say when they call back? 211 00:09:29,350 --> 00:09:30,350 Tell them the truth. 212 00:09:30,450 --> 00:09:32,550 He's a hopeless case. He's never getting out. 213 00:09:32,550 --> 00:09:32,650 You embarrassed me. He's a hopeless case. He's never getting out. 214 00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,750 You embarrassed me. 215 00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:38,550 You embarrassed the hospital, the staff... 216 00:09:38,550 --> 00:09:38,650 and the entire state health care system... You embarrassed the hospital, the staff... 217 00:09:38,650 --> 00:09:41,150 and the entire state health care system... 218 00:09:41,150 --> 00:09:42,950 all for a cheap laugh. 219 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,150 It was not cheap. 220 00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:48,150 It won't happen again, 'cause you know what I got here? 221 00:09:48,150 --> 00:09:48,250 Your record. It won't happen again, 'cause you know what I got here? 222 00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:49,250 Your record. 223 00:09:49,350 --> 00:09:51,650 Great. Put on side two. Let's rock. 224 00:09:51,650 --> 00:09:51,750 Now, that was cheap, sir, by way of illustrating-- Great. Put on side two. Let's rock. 225 00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:53,650 Now, that was cheap, sir, by way of illustrating-- 226 00:09:53,650 --> 00:09:55,150 Shut up. 227 00:09:55,150 --> 00:09:59,350 Thrown out of Cornell. Dumped by the Army. 228 00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:03,150 Sentenced to four years in Joliet for computer fraud. 229 00:10:03,150 --> 00:10:03,350 I'm a pathetic human being, sir... Sentenced to four years in Joliet for computer fraud. 230 00:10:03,350 --> 00:10:04,850 I'm a pathetic human being, sir... 231 00:10:04,850 --> 00:10:07,950 a pathological misfit with delusions of grandeur. 232 00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:09,750 I think Jung said it best, or perhaps it was from... 233 00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:11,150 "The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness--" 234 00:10:11,250 --> 00:10:14,150 A little learning is a dangerous thing. 235 00:10:14,150 --> 00:10:14,250 Do I at least get points for self-knowledge? A little learning is a dangerous thing. 236 00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:16,050 Do I at least get points for self-knowledge? 237 00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:18,850 What you get, Mr. Smart Ass... 238 00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:21,050 is your transfer back to prison. 239 00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:28,250 Doesn't take too much to shut you up, does it? 240 00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:28,350 You're here because you were able to convince... Doesn't take too much to shut you up, does it? 241 00:10:28,350 --> 00:10:30,450 You're here because you were able to convince... 242 00:10:30,450 --> 00:10:33,450 a bleeding-heart warden that you were crazy. 243 00:10:33,450 --> 00:10:37,250 I know you're not crazy. 244 00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:37,450 You're just another asshole looking for a way out. I know you're not crazy. 245 00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:41,250 You're just another asshole looking for a way out. 246 00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:41,350 Now, this order is undated and unsigned... You're just another asshole looking for a way out. 247 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:45,350 Now, this order is undated and unsigned... 248 00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:45,450 and it stays that way if you behave. Now, this order is undated and unsigned... 249 00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:48,750 and it stays that way if you behave. 250 00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:48,850 If not, your ass is back in prison. and it stays that way if you behave. 251 00:10:48,850 --> 00:10:51,950 If not, your ass is back in prison. 252 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,350 Need I say more? 253 00:10:53,450 --> 00:10:56,350 Actually, I think we can contain this problem. 254 00:10:56,350 --> 00:10:56,450 You're not broadcasting for a couple of days. Actually, I think we can contain this problem. 255 00:10:56,450 --> 00:10:58,950 You're not broadcasting for a couple of days. 256 00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:01,250 I'll just get the P.R. guys to start deflecting the flack. 257 00:11:01,250 --> 00:11:02,850 I did not have a nervous breakdown... 258 00:11:02,850 --> 00:11:04,350 and I did not try to kill myself. 259 00:11:04,450 --> 00:11:06,150 I'm simply a man who, under a lot of stress... 260 00:11:06,150 --> 00:11:07,550 took a few too many valium. 261 00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:10,750 -lt was twenty-seven. -Were you actually counting? 262 00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:13,450 I'm a big fan of yours, Dr. Maitlin. 263 00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:14,550 My name is Klevin... 264 00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:14,650 and I really think your radio show is special. My name is Klevin... 265 00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:17,050 and I really think your radio show is special. 266 00:11:17,050 --> 00:11:18,250 Thank you. 267 00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:21,150 You saved my life one time. -Really? I did? 268 00:11:21,150 --> 00:11:22,850 I was living in one of those... 269 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,550 depressing apartments in North Hollywood. 270 00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:26,550 It was one of those hot July eighth kind of-- 271 00:11:26,550 --> 00:11:27,750 You know what, Klevin? 272 00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:29,550 I really can't cope with this right now. 273 00:11:29,550 --> 00:11:30,950 I'm under a tremendous amount of stress. 274 00:11:30,950 --> 00:11:32,350 Get me out of here. 275 00:11:36,550 --> 00:11:37,850 Dr. Rosenberg... 276 00:11:37,950 --> 00:11:39,450 I've got to get out of L.A. 277 00:11:39,450 --> 00:11:39,550 I'm being constantly recognized. I'm not getting any rest. I've got to get out of L.A. 278 00:11:39,550 --> 00:11:42,150 I'm being constantly recognized. I'm not getting any rest. 279 00:11:42,150 --> 00:11:42,250 You're in no shape to go anywhere. I'm being constantly recognized. I'm not getting any rest. 280 00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:44,150 You're in no shape to go anywhere. 281 00:11:44,150 --> 00:11:45,850 Actually, George has a point. 282 00:11:45,850 --> 00:11:47,850 People find out he's at a you-know-what... 283 00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:49,350 and tried to commit you-know-what... 284 00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:50,750 it would be very bad for business. 285 00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:50,850 Harvey, book me to London. it would be very bad for business. 286 00:11:50,850 --> 00:11:52,150 Harvey, book me to London. 287 00:11:52,150 --> 00:11:52,250 Tell everybody that I'm off on a six-month sabbatical... Harvey, book me to London. 288 00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:54,550 Tell everybody that I'm off on a six-month sabbatical... 289 00:11:54,550 --> 00:11:56,350 to do research on my next book. 290 00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:59,150 Do you think you're in any kind of shape to write a book? 291 00:11:59,150 --> 00:11:59,350 There's no book. It's just a business lie. Do you think you're in any kind of shape to write a book? 292 00:11:59,350 --> 00:12:02,250 There's no book. It's just a business lie. 293 00:12:03,450 --> 00:12:04,550 What? 294 00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:04,650 Was there something wrong with the service? What? 295 00:12:04,650 --> 00:12:07,550 Was there something wrong with the service? 296 00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:07,650 -Did I offend you in some way? -What do you want? Was there something wrong with the service? 297 00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:10,350 -Did I offend you in some way? -What do you want? 298 00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:10,450 The gratuity was a bit scarce. -Did I offend you in some way? -What do you want? 299 00:12:10,450 --> 00:12:12,550 The gratuity was a bit scarce. 300 00:12:12,550 --> 00:12:15,350 I see. You want more money? 301 00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:20,550 Leeches! This is what you get for saving somebody's life! 302 00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:20,650 They want more, more--more time, more money, more love! Leeches! This is what you get for saving somebody's life! 303 00:12:20,650 --> 00:12:23,350 They want more, more--more time, more money, more love! 304 00:12:23,350 --> 00:12:24,450 We'll pay for it. 305 00:12:24,550 --> 00:12:27,450 Is everyone all right except the waiter? 306 00:12:27,450 --> 00:12:27,550 Maybe it would be a good idea to get George out of town. Is everyone all right except the waiter? 307 00:12:27,550 --> 00:12:30,750 Maybe it would be a good idea to get George out of town. 308 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:34,150 -Thank you. You're welcome. 309 00:12:34,150 --> 00:12:34,250 I need to find a replacement-- -Thank you. You're welcome. 310 00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:36,350 I need to find a replacement-- 311 00:12:36,450 --> 00:12:38,750 someone from a mediocre medical school. 312 00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,750 Someone who can take over my practice... 313 00:12:40,750 --> 00:12:42,950 without really curing anyone. 314 00:12:42,950 --> 00:12:45,650 Someone who can continue my radio show... 315 00:12:45,650 --> 00:12:47,950 without helping anyone and making me look bad. 316 00:12:47,950 --> 00:12:48,050 In other words, a bum. without helping anyone and making me look bad. 317 00:12:48,050 --> 00:12:49,550 In other words, a bum. 318 00:12:49,550 --> 00:12:52,450 Right, but make sure it's an out-of-state bum. 319 00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:53,650 Why? 320 00:12:53,650 --> 00:12:55,550 Why? Because every therapist in this town... 321 00:12:55,550 --> 00:12:57,950 is insanely jealous of me. 322 00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:02,650 Find me some convention in London... 323 00:13:02,650 --> 00:13:04,750 so I can write it off. 324 00:13:06,150 --> 00:13:09,250 I just want to go to sleep. 325 00:13:16,950 --> 00:13:19,850 -Fastball. -Good. 326 00:13:19,850 --> 00:13:19,950 Peace. -Fastball. -Good. 327 00:13:19,950 --> 00:13:21,550 Peace. 328 00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,450 If you're gonna play in the Major Leagues... 329 00:13:23,450 --> 00:13:25,050 you've got to learn what the signals are. 330 00:13:25,150 --> 00:13:28,350 This is important, OK? Now... 331 00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:28,450 -Spitball. -Good. This is important, OK? Now... 332 00:13:28,450 --> 00:13:29,750 -Spitball. -Good. 333 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:30,950 Happy hour. 334 00:13:30,950 --> 00:13:32,750 Look, you're interrupting the game, all right? 335 00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:34,750 Now get off the field. 336 00:13:34,850 --> 00:13:36,550 Open your mouth. 337 00:13:36,550 --> 00:13:36,650 You know how I enjoy opening it for you. Open your mouth. 338 00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,450 You know how I enjoy opening it for you. 339 00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,250 Well, I'm going to hydrotherapy. 340 00:13:40,250 --> 00:13:45,050 Watkins, I'm so sorry! I accidentally did that. 341 00:13:45,050 --> 00:13:45,150 But now I'm dancing on them. I'm right out of control! Watkins, I'm so sorry! I accidentally did that. 342 00:13:45,150 --> 00:13:49,350 But now I'm dancing on them. I'm right out of control! 343 00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:49,450 Help me. But now I'm dancing on them. I'm right out of control! 344 00:13:49,450 --> 00:13:50,750 Help me. 345 00:13:50,850 --> 00:13:53,850 Sunlight comes at daytime 346 00:13:53,850 --> 00:13:57,650 And the moonlight comes at night 347 00:13:59,450 --> 00:14:02,050 You call my name 348 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:05,250 And I get a fever when you hold me tight 349 00:14:05,250 --> 00:14:07,450 You give me fever 350 00:14:07,450 --> 00:14:07,550 Fever You give me fever 351 00:14:07,550 --> 00:14:09,350 Fever 352 00:14:14,150 --> 00:14:17,250 It's so wrong. He's my husband. 353 00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:17,350 You're his lawyer and best friend. It's so wrong. He's my husband. 354 00:14:17,350 --> 00:14:19,050 You're his lawyer and best friend. 355 00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,950 From now on, just think of me as his lawyer. 356 00:14:22,250 --> 00:14:25,750 What if George's depression is because he knows about us? 357 00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:26,950 -Did he say anything? -No. 358 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:27,050 -Good! -What are you doing? -Did he say anything? -No. 359 00:14:27,050 --> 00:14:30,650 -Good! -What are you doing? 360 00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:30,750 All I can think about is having you on my desk. -Good! -What are you doing? 361 00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:33,250 All I can think about is having you on my desk. 362 00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:36,350 -It's so wrong. -I'm so tired of what's right. 363 00:14:45,450 --> 00:14:48,950 -Are you all right? -No, we're not all right. 364 00:14:48,950 --> 00:14:49,150 Thank you. You've been very helpful. -Are you all right? -No, we're not all right. 365 00:14:49,150 --> 00:14:51,750 Thank you. You've been very helpful. 366 00:14:51,750 --> 00:14:53,050 Not at all. 367 00:14:56,250 --> 00:14:59,150 Is that a Chloe or a Montana? 368 00:14:59,150 --> 00:15:03,550 -It's a Gee Kee. -Outrageous. 369 00:15:05,150 --> 00:15:06,850 This ought to cheer you up. 370 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:09,750 I think I found the perfect guy. 371 00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:12,050 -He's in Chicago. -Good. Who is he? 372 00:15:12,050 --> 00:15:14,450 His name's Dr. Lawrence Baird. He's chief psychiatrist... 373 00:15:14,450 --> 00:15:16,950 for the Cicero County Corrections Mental Facility-- 374 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,450 a real dump, which ought to satisfy... 375 00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:19,850 Maitlin's out-of-state requirements. 376 00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:21,050 -That's good. -Secondly... 377 00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,850 he wrote his doctoral thesis on Maitlin's theory... 378 00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:25,550 of psychocerebral equilibrium, so he's in alignment... 379 00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:25,750 with Maitlin's theoretical approach. of psychocerebral equilibrium, so he's in alignment... 380 00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:26,850 with Maitlin's theoretical approach. 381 00:15:26,950 --> 00:15:29,450 Perfect. Is he too smart? 382 00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:31,850 He graduated from Florida State University... 383 00:15:31,850 --> 00:15:33,250 with a C-plus average. 384 00:15:33,250 --> 00:15:34,850 The guy's lucky to be working. 385 00:15:39,350 --> 00:15:41,950 The sleeves on this jacket are awfully long. 386 00:15:41,950 --> 00:15:44,350 I always like to show a little linen at the cuff. 387 00:15:44,350 --> 00:15:46,150 You're a smart ass... 388 00:15:46,150 --> 00:15:48,450 and you'll always be a smart ass. 389 00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:51,850 Now your smart ass is going back to prison. 390 00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:51,950 They won't take me. Now your smart ass is going back to prison. 391 00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:53,350 They won't take me. 392 00:15:53,350 --> 00:15:55,650 You convinced them you were crazy. 393 00:15:55,750 --> 00:15:59,650 You were "eating paint chips off the windowsills... 394 00:15:59,650 --> 00:15:59,750 "and licking dust off the tops of radiators." You were "eating paint chips off the windowsills... 395 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,650 "and licking dust off the tops of radiators." 396 00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:05,050 That part was easy. Then I got really carried away. 397 00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:05,150 You know, paper clips, plastic forks... That part was easy. Then I got really carried away. 398 00:16:05,150 --> 00:16:06,950 You know, paper clips, plastic forks... 399 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:10,250 -Kleenex, Naugahyde. -An epicure! Good! 400 00:16:10,250 --> 00:16:10,350 I think I can arrange a loaf of bread... -Kleenex, Naugahyde. -An epicure! Good! 401 00:16:10,350 --> 00:16:12,250 I think I can arrange a loaf of bread... 402 00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:14,450 a jug of water, and thou licking the floor... 403 00:16:14,450 --> 00:16:16,350 of maximum solitary. 404 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,850 I'm impressed. You have quite a way with words. 405 00:16:19,850 --> 00:16:19,950 One would think you'd be thought of around here... I'm impressed. You have quite a way with words. 406 00:16:19,950 --> 00:16:21,650 One would think you'd be thought of around here... 407 00:16:21,650 --> 00:16:23,750 as a poet instead of an ignorant, puffed-up... 408 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,250 smidgen of blowfish shit. 409 00:16:32,350 --> 00:16:35,650 A self-destructive need to defy authority. 410 00:16:35,650 --> 00:16:35,750 Now that's convincing. A self-destructive need to defy authority. 411 00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:38,150 Now that's convincing. 412 00:16:38,150 --> 00:16:38,250 Come to think of it, Joliet isn't really... Now that's convincing. 413 00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:41,050 Come to think of it, Joliet isn't really... 414 00:16:41,050 --> 00:16:43,150 the right environment for you. 415 00:16:43,150 --> 00:16:47,250 You require something more specialized. 416 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:50,150 They've got this endorphin research... 417 00:16:50,150 --> 00:16:50,250 going on at Stateville Sanitarium. They've got this endorphin research... 418 00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:52,550 going on at Stateville Sanitarium. 419 00:16:52,550 --> 00:16:55,050 Research? That's very exciting! 420 00:16:55,050 --> 00:16:57,650 Plenty of long needles and heavy sedation. 421 00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:57,750 Trouble is... Plenty of long needles and heavy sedation. 422 00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:58,850 Trouble is... 423 00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:02,050 they need maximum-risk psychopathic patients. 424 00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:02,250 They'll be happy to hear I found them one. they need maximum-risk psychopathic patients. 425 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:04,750 They'll be happy to hear I found them one. 426 00:17:04,750 --> 00:17:04,850 Where is he? I'd love to meet him. They'll be happy to hear I found them one. 427 00:17:04,850 --> 00:17:07,250 Where is he? I'd love to meet him. 428 00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:07,350 A subject for all those experiments... Where is he? I'd love to meet him. 429 00:17:07,350 --> 00:17:09,850 A subject for all those experiments... 430 00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:11,550 they want to do on you... 431 00:17:11,550 --> 00:17:11,650 for the rest of your four-year stretch. they want to do on you... 432 00:17:11,650 --> 00:17:15,250 for the rest of your four-year stretch. 433 00:17:16,150 --> 00:17:17,350 And with you out of my way... 434 00:17:17,450 --> 00:17:18,850 I can take my vacation in peace. 435 00:17:25,850 --> 00:17:29,750 Lopez is screaming his head off in solitary. 436 00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:29,850 Don't go away. Lopez is screaming his head off in solitary. 437 00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:31,150 Don't go away. 438 00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,150 I'm not quite finished with you. 439 00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:13,950 May I speak to Dr. Baird, please? 440 00:18:13,950 --> 00:18:15,350 This is Dr. Baird. 441 00:18:15,350 --> 00:18:18,050 I hope you don't mind. I'm using my speaker phone. 442 00:18:18,050 --> 00:18:19,450 Not at all. This is Harvey Michaels. 443 00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:20,950 I'm the attorney for the Greater Los Angeles... 444 00:18:21,050 --> 00:18:22,650 Neuro-Psychiatric Society. 445 00:18:22,650 --> 00:18:25,350 I'm calling on behalf of Dr. George Maitlin. 446 00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:26,450 Never heard of him. 447 00:18:26,450 --> 00:18:28,550 Didn't you do your doctoral thesis... 448 00:18:28,550 --> 00:18:28,650 on Maitlin's theory of psychocerebral equilibrium? Didn't you do your doctoral thesis... 449 00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:31,450 on Maitlin's theory of psychocerebral equilibrium? 450 00:18:31,450 --> 00:18:31,550 Oh, that Maitlin. How is the old fraud? on Maitlin's theory of psychocerebral equilibrium? 451 00:18:31,550 --> 00:18:35,950 Oh, that Maitlin. How is the old fraud? 452 00:18:35,950 --> 00:18:36,150 Dr. Maitlin had to leave suddenly for Europe... Oh, that Maitlin. How is the old fraud? 453 00:18:36,150 --> 00:18:37,750 Dr. Maitlin had to leave suddenly for Europe... 454 00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:37,850 and he asked me to find a replacement for him... Dr. Maitlin had to leave suddenly for Europe... 455 00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,050 and he asked me to find a replacement for him... 456 00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:40,250 while he was away. 457 00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:42,850 What kind of money are we talking about here? 458 00:18:42,850 --> 00:18:44,850 Let's just say that Dr. Maitlin... 459 00:18:44,850 --> 00:18:44,950 has about the most successful practice... Let's just say that Dr. Maitlin... 460 00:18:44,950 --> 00:18:46,650 has about the most successful practice... 461 00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:47,850 in Southern California. 462 00:18:47,850 --> 00:18:49,150 I don't like that word "about"... 463 00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:49,250 especially when we're talking about money. I don't like that word "about"... 464 00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:50,950 especially when we're talking about money. 465 00:18:51,050 --> 00:18:52,950 Could you volunteer a few numbers? 466 00:18:52,950 --> 00:18:56,050 I'd say Dr. Maitlin makes in the vicinity of-- 467 00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:56,150 give or take a few dollars-- a million a year. I'd say Dr. Maitlin makes in the vicinity of-- 468 00:18:56,150 --> 00:18:58,850 give or take a few dollars-- a million a year. 469 00:18:58,850 --> 00:18:58,950 Are you there, doctor? give or take a few dollars-- a million a year. 470 00:18:58,950 --> 00:19:01,650 Are you there, doctor? 471 00:19:01,650 --> 00:19:04,450 I'm here, Harvey, but I'm coming there. 472 00:19:04,450 --> 00:19:07,850 -Great! When can you start? -ls tomorrow too late? 473 00:19:07,850 --> 00:19:09,650 I need to get released from a few things. 474 00:19:09,650 --> 00:19:11,150 He'll be here tomorrow. 475 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,750 Shouldn't we tell him about the radio show? 476 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:15,550 I don't want to scare him off. He's perfect. 477 00:19:15,550 --> 00:19:15,650 Greedy and dumb-- my favorite combination. I don't want to scare him off. He's perfect. 478 00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:18,350 Greedy and dumb-- my favorite combination. 479 00:19:18,350 --> 00:19:19,950 Are you there? 480 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:20,050 We're all set. We're all set, Doctor. Are you there? 481 00:19:20,050 --> 00:19:21,850 We're all set. We're all set, Doctor. 482 00:19:21,950 --> 00:19:23,250 I'm going to leave a ticket for you... 483 00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:25,050 at Continental-- first class, of course. 484 00:19:25,050 --> 00:19:25,150 Only way to go! at Continental-- first class, of course. 485 00:19:25,150 --> 00:19:26,350 Only way to go! 486 00:19:26,450 --> 00:19:28,750 It'll be a great pleasure to meet you. 487 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:28,850 Just call me Larry. It'll be a great pleasure to meet you. 488 00:19:28,850 --> 00:19:30,050 Just call me Larry. 489 00:19:30,050 --> 00:19:32,550 He wants us to call him Larry. 490 00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:32,650 What was that all about? He wants us to call him Larry. 491 00:19:32,650 --> 00:19:34,350 What was that all about? 492 00:19:34,350 --> 00:19:37,550 My future. Here, get me out of this. 493 00:19:37,550 --> 00:19:39,450 You must be joking. -Just for five minutes. 494 00:19:39,450 --> 00:19:40,850 But Baird could be back any second. 495 00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:42,050 That's why we have to hurry. 496 00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:46,350 Gentlemen, aren't you supposed to be at your station? 497 00:19:46,350 --> 00:19:46,450 -Lunch. -Official break. Gentlemen, aren't you supposed to be at your station? 498 00:19:46,450 --> 00:19:48,750 -Lunch. -Official break. 499 00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:50,050 That's a new one. 500 00:19:57,850 --> 00:20:00,250 You're stealing my ambulance pager. 501 00:20:00,250 --> 00:20:03,250 I'm not. I'm redesigning it. May I have a hairpin, please? 502 00:20:05,350 --> 00:20:07,450 You're such a crook. 503 00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:11,350 Hurry, please! 504 00:20:13,050 --> 00:20:16,550 You didn't know I was this good with my hands. 505 00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:16,650 Yes, I did. You didn't know I was this good with my hands. 506 00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:17,950 Yes, I did. 507 00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:20,150 Hurry! 508 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,550 Dr. Baird's office. 509 00:20:27,550 --> 00:20:30,350 I love you, baby. 510 00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,050 Are you planning to escape? 511 00:20:36,050 --> 00:20:38,450 Let's call it unauthorized egress. 512 00:20:38,450 --> 00:20:40,050 That's where your pager comes in. 513 00:20:40,050 --> 00:20:42,550 -And my hairpin. -Get that so he can't see it. 514 00:20:44,650 --> 00:20:46,450 Even if you made it out of the building... 515 00:20:46,450 --> 00:20:48,450 how do you expect to get past the guard gate? 516 00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:52,750 Well, Robin, that's where you come in. 517 00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:52,850 I was hoping that you could park your car... Well, Robin, that's where you come in. 518 00:20:52,850 --> 00:20:54,850 I was hoping that you could park your car... 519 00:20:54,850 --> 00:20:57,350 out front with the keys above the sun visor? 520 00:20:57,350 --> 00:21:00,550 You're crazy. -Not according to Dr. Baird. 521 00:21:08,550 --> 00:21:11,650 -Any calls? -It's been very quiet. 522 00:21:15,350 --> 00:21:18,950 Thanks to you and your little tap dance... 523 00:21:18,950 --> 00:21:22,050 Lopez is now doing his carrot impression. 524 00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:27,350 You'll be out of here tomorrow. 525 00:21:27,350 --> 00:21:29,050 I sure hope so. 526 00:21:36,850 --> 00:21:38,650 It's all set. 527 00:21:40,250 --> 00:21:41,550 You're excused. 528 00:22:06,550 --> 00:22:08,350 Jack, this is Dr. Baird. 529 00:22:08,350 --> 00:22:10,450 Would you and Phil please come to my office? 530 00:22:10,450 --> 00:22:11,650 Yes, sir. Right away. 531 00:22:11,650 --> 00:22:13,250 I've been much too harsh on you... 532 00:22:13,250 --> 00:22:14,350 for these minor infractions. 533 00:22:14,450 --> 00:22:17,150 Come down to my office immediately. 534 00:22:17,150 --> 00:22:19,550 Baird's off his rocker. 535 00:22:23,350 --> 00:22:27,050 -Security. -Chuck, Jack Watkins here. 536 00:22:27,050 --> 00:22:27,150 What the hell's going on down there? -Security. -Chuck, Jack Watkins here. 537 00:22:27,150 --> 00:22:28,850 What the hell's going on down there? 538 00:22:28,850 --> 00:22:30,550 Baird's up with the goddamn catatonics... 539 00:22:30,550 --> 00:22:30,650 and the alarm bells are going off. Baird's up with the goddamn catatonics... 540 00:22:30,650 --> 00:22:32,550 and the alarm bells are going off. 541 00:22:32,550 --> 00:22:34,050 I don't get any signal down here. 542 00:22:34,050 --> 00:22:36,950 -They're all turned off. -No, they ain't. 543 00:22:36,950 --> 00:22:38,450 They're ringing. I can hear 'em. 544 00:22:38,450 --> 00:22:40,450 And Baird's having a hot-dipped shit fit. 545 00:22:40,450 --> 00:22:43,550 -Nobody's flashing. -Don't tell me goddamn nothing. 546 00:22:43,550 --> 00:22:43,750 Them alarm bells are ringing. Now get to that main terminal... -Nobody's flashing. -Don't tell me goddamn nothing. 547 00:22:43,750 --> 00:22:45,850 Them alarm bells are ringing. Now get to that main terminal... 548 00:22:45,850 --> 00:22:48,250 and turn off the main switch right now. 549 00:23:10,050 --> 00:23:11,550 He ain't there. 550 00:23:11,550 --> 00:23:13,450 He gets weirder all the time. 551 00:24:05,750 --> 00:24:07,050 Good evening. 552 00:24:07,050 --> 00:24:08,850 I believe you have a prepaid ticket for Baird. 553 00:24:09,950 --> 00:24:11,850 B-a-i-r-d? Right? 554 00:24:14,250 --> 00:24:18,950 -Dr. Baird? Yeah. Doctor. That's me. 555 00:24:18,950 --> 00:24:19,050 I'm that doctor. That's my ticket. -Dr. Baird? Yeah. Doctor. That's me. 556 00:24:19,050 --> 00:24:21,050 I'm that doctor. That's my ticket. 557 00:24:21,050 --> 00:24:22,650 All set, Dr. Baird. 558 00:24:22,650 --> 00:24:22,750 Your flight will be boarding at gate seven. All set, Dr. Baird. 559 00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:24,750 Your flight will be boarding at gate seven. 560 00:24:24,750 --> 00:24:24,850 Just what the doctor ordered-- this doctor. Your flight will be boarding at gate seven. 561 00:24:24,850 --> 00:24:27,350 Just what the doctor ordered-- this doctor. 562 00:24:31,750 --> 00:24:34,250 -Sir? -No handcuffs. 563 00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:35,450 Can I have your name, please? 564 00:24:35,550 --> 00:24:39,050 Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird. 565 00:24:39,050 --> 00:24:39,150 Dr. Lawrence Baird. Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird. 566 00:24:39,150 --> 00:24:41,050 Dr. Lawrence Baird. 567 00:24:41,050 --> 00:24:42,650 Can I offer you anything, Dr. Baird? 568 00:24:42,750 --> 00:24:45,350 A bag of macadamia nuts, all your available cheeses... 569 00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:47,250 a dozen raspberries with creme fraiche... 570 00:24:47,250 --> 00:24:48,650 and a double shot of Black Bush. 571 00:24:48,650 --> 00:24:50,650 -On top of the raspberries? -I'll take it neat. 572 00:24:50,650 --> 00:24:50,750 -Neat? -No ice. -On top of the raspberries? -I'll take it neat. 573 00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:52,350 -Neat? -No ice. 574 00:24:52,350 --> 00:24:56,350 Then the filet mignon--rare-- and the duck and the fish. 575 00:24:56,350 --> 00:24:56,450 Blanket, pillow, eye shades, a pair of... Then the filet mignon--rare-- and the duck and the fish. 576 00:24:56,450 --> 00:24:58,350 Blanket, pillow, eye shades, a pair of... 577 00:25:02,350 --> 00:25:05,150 So, the guy turns to the lady, and he says... 578 00:25:05,150 --> 00:25:06,850 "Lady, you look like a very nice woman. 579 00:25:06,850 --> 00:25:09,050 "Where are you from?" She says, "I'm from Queens." 580 00:25:09,050 --> 00:25:09,150 He says, "Queens? I'm from natural parents myself." "Where are you from?" She says, "I'm from Queens." 581 00:25:09,150 --> 00:25:11,550 He says, "Queens? I'm from natural parents myself." 582 00:25:11,550 --> 00:25:11,650 Speaking of queens, you are two genuine queens. He says, "Queens? I'm from natural parents myself." 583 00:25:11,650 --> 00:25:14,250 Speaking of queens, you are two genuine queens. 584 00:25:14,250 --> 00:25:15,550 And so are you--just kidding. 585 00:25:15,650 --> 00:25:17,350 Captain, thanks for letting me sit in your lap. 586 00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:19,350 I felt like an 8-year-old kid. Really. All right. 587 00:25:20,550 --> 00:25:23,050 Hey! I'm Baird. 588 00:25:23,050 --> 00:25:25,450 I'm Dr. Baird. Where you going? 589 00:25:25,450 --> 00:25:28,350 Hey, you! With the sign! 590 00:25:28,350 --> 00:25:30,350 Luscious one! I'm the man... 591 00:25:30,350 --> 00:25:30,450 you've been waiting for your whole life. Luscious one! I'm the man... 592 00:25:30,450 --> 00:25:32,150 you've been waiting for your whole life. 593 00:25:32,150 --> 00:25:34,150 Aren't you supposed to pick up Dr. Lawrence Baird? 594 00:25:34,150 --> 00:25:36,650 Yes. -That's me, Dr. Baird. 595 00:25:36,650 --> 00:25:39,950 I just saw my name on your sign. 596 00:25:39,950 --> 00:25:40,150 Should I give you my fingerprint chart? I just saw my name on your sign. 597 00:25:40,150 --> 00:25:41,850 Should I give you my fingerprint chart? 598 00:25:41,850 --> 00:25:44,050 Do I have to call security? 599 00:25:44,050 --> 00:25:45,450 I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 600 00:25:45,550 --> 00:25:47,250 I was contacted by Harvey Michaels. 601 00:25:47,250 --> 00:25:50,250 I'm supposed to be filling in for Dr. George Maitlin. 602 00:25:54,150 --> 00:25:56,450 You're not what I was expecting. 603 00:25:56,450 --> 00:26:01,150 I'm just dressed a little hipper than you thought, huh? 604 00:26:01,150 --> 00:26:01,250 What, this look hasn't hit L.A.? I'm just dressed a little hipper than you thought, huh? 605 00:26:01,250 --> 00:26:02,750 What, this look hasn't hit L.A.? 606 00:26:02,750 --> 00:26:06,250 It's the newest trend-- inner city funk. 607 00:26:06,250 --> 00:26:06,350 I'm Maitlin's associate, Dr. Rollins. It's the newest trend-- inner city funk. 608 00:26:06,350 --> 00:26:09,950 I'm Maitlin's associate, Dr. Rollins. 609 00:26:09,950 --> 00:26:10,050 Did the plane crash? Am I in heaven? I'm Maitlin's associate, Dr. Rollins. 610 00:26:10,050 --> 00:26:12,250 Did the plane crash? Am I in heaven? 611 00:26:12,250 --> 00:26:12,350 I must be dreaming. Pinch me. Or better yet, I'll pinch you. Did the plane crash? Am I in heaven? 612 00:26:12,350 --> 00:26:14,950 I must be dreaming. Pinch me. Or better yet, I'll pinch you. 613 00:26:14,950 --> 00:26:15,050 The car's outside... I must be dreaming. Pinch me. Or better yet, I'll pinch you. 614 00:26:15,050 --> 00:26:16,150 The car's outside... 615 00:26:16,150 --> 00:26:17,350 so if you'll give me your claim checks... 616 00:26:17,350 --> 00:26:19,050 I'll have your bags picked up. 617 00:26:19,050 --> 00:26:21,550 No bags. Mugged in Chicago. 618 00:26:21,550 --> 00:26:22,950 Really? 619 00:26:23,050 --> 00:26:24,750 Right in long-term parking at the airport. 620 00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:26,650 Three guys this big. One had his arm around my neck. 621 00:26:26,650 --> 00:26:27,950 The other went through my pockets. 622 00:26:27,950 --> 00:26:30,250 -And what did the third do? -He encouraged them. 623 00:26:31,250 --> 00:26:33,650 Trees suffer, too... 624 00:26:33,650 --> 00:26:37,050 palm, elm, oleander, eucalyptus. 625 00:26:37,050 --> 00:26:40,350 You ladies care to save the eucalypti? 626 00:26:40,350 --> 00:26:40,450 Listen to the high-frequency sounds... You ladies care to save the eucalypti? 627 00:26:40,450 --> 00:26:42,750 Listen to the high-frequency sounds... 628 00:26:42,750 --> 00:26:45,350 they make when they're being cut! 629 00:26:45,350 --> 00:26:48,550 I'd like you to meet Oscar Hendricks. 630 00:26:48,550 --> 00:26:52,350 He's the station manager and producer of your radio show. 631 00:26:52,350 --> 00:26:52,450 Radio show? He's the station manager and producer of your radio show. 632 00:26:52,450 --> 00:26:53,450 Radio show? 633 00:26:53,550 --> 00:26:56,050 Welcome to L.A., Doctor. Where's your luggage? 634 00:26:56,050 --> 00:26:57,450 Dr. Baird has no luggage. 635 00:26:57,450 --> 00:27:00,050 We can go straight to the Bel Air. 636 00:27:00,050 --> 00:27:01,250 -Excuse us. -Doctor? 637 00:27:01,250 --> 00:27:04,950 Sir? You hear that noise? 638 00:27:04,950 --> 00:27:05,150 Those are ultrahigh frequency sounds... Sir? You hear that noise? 639 00:27:05,150 --> 00:27:07,050 Those are ultrahigh frequency sounds... 640 00:27:07,050 --> 00:27:07,150 made by ivy weeping... Those are ultrahigh frequency sounds... 641 00:27:07,150 --> 00:27:08,450 made by ivy weeping... 642 00:27:08,450 --> 00:27:08,550 during a cross-pollination experimentation at U.C. Davis. made by ivy weeping... 643 00:27:08,550 --> 00:27:12,950 during a cross-pollination experimentation at U.C. Davis. 644 00:27:12,950 --> 00:27:13,050 Who speaks for horticulture? during a cross-pollination experimentation at U.C. Davis. 645 00:27:13,050 --> 00:27:15,050 Who speaks for horticulture? 646 00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:17,750 -Doctor, you certainly-- -Look, ease up on me, pal. 647 00:27:17,750 --> 00:27:17,950 I'm just beginning to enjoy my jet lag. -Doctor, you certainly-- -Look, ease up on me, pal. 648 00:27:17,950 --> 00:27:19,750 I'm just beginning to enjoy my jet lag. 649 00:27:19,850 --> 00:27:21,550 I know you're busy. 650 00:27:21,550 --> 00:27:24,250 Only God can make a tree, but only you can spare one. 651 00:27:24,250 --> 00:27:25,550 My friend, I think at this juncture... 652 00:27:25,550 --> 00:27:25,650 I should explain something to you. My friend, I think at this juncture... 653 00:27:25,650 --> 00:27:26,950 I should explain something to you. 654 00:27:27,050 --> 00:27:29,550 I was born in a lovely little Midwestern town-- 655 00:27:29,550 --> 00:27:29,650 Webster City, lowa. Maybe you know it. I was born in a lovely little Midwestern town-- 656 00:27:29,650 --> 00:27:31,450 Webster City, lowa. Maybe you know it. 657 00:27:31,550 --> 00:27:34,250 Lived on a quiet street, beautiful little white house. 658 00:27:34,250 --> 00:27:34,350 Outside my bedroom window... Lived on a quiet street, beautiful little white house. 659 00:27:34,350 --> 00:27:35,550 Outside my bedroom window... 660 00:27:35,650 --> 00:27:38,150 there was a spectacular, huge, giant elm tree. 661 00:27:38,150 --> 00:27:39,950 One night, there was a fierce hailstorm. 662 00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:41,650 That tree was hit by lightning and fell. 663 00:27:41,650 --> 00:27:41,750 Took out half the house and killed my puppy Dwayne. That tree was hit by lightning and fell. 664 00:27:41,750 --> 00:27:46,050 Took out half the house and killed my puppy Dwayne. 665 00:27:46,050 --> 00:27:46,150 Ever since then, no plant has been a friend of mine. Took out half the house and killed my puppy Dwayne. 666 00:27:46,150 --> 00:27:50,250 Ever since then, no plant has been a friend of mine. 667 00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:52,650 Wait a second, Doctor. Wait a second. 668 00:27:52,650 --> 00:27:55,550 Those pants look familiar. That stripe down there-- 669 00:27:55,550 --> 00:27:55,650 Of course they look familiar to you... Those pants look familiar. That stripe down there-- 670 00:27:55,650 --> 00:27:56,850 Of course they look familiar to you... 671 00:27:56,950 --> 00:27:59,050 if you've got a subscription to "Gentlemen's Quarterly." 672 00:27:59,050 --> 00:28:01,650 And incidentally, they grind up twenty-five maples... 673 00:28:01,650 --> 00:28:02,850 for the September issue. 674 00:28:02,850 --> 00:28:02,950 Did you hear that, everybody? for the September issue. 675 00:28:02,950 --> 00:28:04,550 Did you hear that, everybody? 676 00:28:04,550 --> 00:28:07,850 A doctor who won't help his little green friends. 677 00:28:07,850 --> 00:28:10,850 Don't you know that no man is so tall... 678 00:28:10,850 --> 00:28:12,350 as when he stoops to pet a plant? 679 00:28:12,350 --> 00:28:16,050 I'm sorry. You'll have to keep moving. 680 00:28:16,050 --> 00:28:16,150 -I'm sorry. -This is police brutality! I'm sorry. You'll have to keep moving. 681 00:28:16,150 --> 00:28:18,550 -I'm sorry. -This is police brutality! 682 00:28:18,550 --> 00:28:18,650 How does it feel to be uprooted? -I'm sorry. -This is police brutality! 683 00:28:18,650 --> 00:28:21,550 How does it feel to be uprooted? 684 00:28:21,550 --> 00:28:21,750 Put me down! How does it feel to be uprooted? 685 00:28:21,750 --> 00:28:23,650 Put me down! 686 00:28:23,650 --> 00:28:23,750 Let go of me, will you? Put me down! 687 00:28:23,750 --> 00:28:25,450 Let go of me, will you? 688 00:28:25,550 --> 00:28:28,250 How long have you been a policeman? Help! 689 00:28:28,250 --> 00:28:28,350 Help! Police brutality! How long have you been a policeman? Help! 690 00:28:28,350 --> 00:28:29,650 Help! Police brutality! 691 00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:30,950 Is this really necessary? 692 00:28:30,950 --> 00:28:35,150 All of a sudden, the rich Beverly Hills doctor cares. 693 00:28:35,150 --> 00:28:35,250 Isn't that touching? All of a sudden, the rich Beverly Hills doctor cares. 694 00:28:35,250 --> 00:28:36,250 Isn't that touching? 695 00:28:36,350 --> 00:28:37,750 Do you want to press charges? 696 00:28:37,750 --> 00:28:40,750 You bet I do. This man's a menace to society. 697 00:28:40,750 --> 00:28:42,150 All right. Come on. 698 00:28:42,150 --> 00:28:43,750 What did you think about his display... 699 00:28:43,850 --> 00:28:46,950 of negative delusionary fixations about plant life? 700 00:28:46,950 --> 00:28:47,150 I believe in the secret life of plants. of negative delusionary fixations about plant life? 701 00:28:47,150 --> 00:28:49,250 I believe in the secret life of plants. 702 00:28:49,250 --> 00:28:49,350 In fact, I consulted on that book. I believe in the secret life of plants. 703 00:28:49,350 --> 00:28:51,650 In fact, I consulted on that book. 704 00:28:51,650 --> 00:28:53,850 So where are they gonna take him, anyway? 705 00:28:53,850 --> 00:28:56,950 If he's lucky, L.A. County Psychiatric. 706 00:28:56,950 --> 00:28:57,050 He's not crazy. If he's lucky, L.A. County Psychiatric. 707 00:28:57,050 --> 00:28:59,050 He's not crazy. 708 00:28:59,050 --> 00:29:01,850 That's a pretty speedy diagnosis, Doctor. 709 00:29:01,850 --> 00:29:04,050 Antisocial behavior just happens to be... 710 00:29:04,050 --> 00:29:05,450 my professional specialty. 711 00:29:05,450 --> 00:29:09,950 You have lunch with Michaels at the hotel at 12:00. 712 00:29:09,950 --> 00:29:12,450 That's good, because there's nothing in here. 713 00:29:12,450 --> 00:29:12,550 Well, I didn't expect you wanted anything... That's good, because there's nothing in here. 714 00:29:12,550 --> 00:29:14,250 Well, I didn't expect you wanted anything... 715 00:29:14,250 --> 00:29:14,350 at nine o'clock in the morning. Well, I didn't expect you wanted anything... 716 00:29:14,350 --> 00:29:15,850 at nine o'clock in the morning. 717 00:29:15,850 --> 00:29:15,950 You forgot. It's later back east. at nine o'clock in the morning. 718 00:29:15,950 --> 00:29:18,150 You forgot. It's later back east. 719 00:29:21,350 --> 00:29:22,750 Well, after lunch-- 720 00:29:22,750 --> 00:29:23,850 What's the number at the hotel? 721 00:29:23,950 --> 00:29:26,450 -What? -What's the number of the hotel? 722 00:29:26,450 --> 00:29:28,050 472-1 21 1! 723 00:29:28,050 --> 00:29:31,150 Turned out to be just your old gym socks. 724 00:29:31,150 --> 00:29:31,250 Then at 3:30, you'll be at the radio station! Turned out to be just your old gym socks. 725 00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:33,750 Then at 3:30, you'll be at the radio station! 726 00:29:33,750 --> 00:29:36,650 Is it like a panel show-- me with a bunch other doctors? 727 00:29:36,650 --> 00:29:38,150 It's a call-in show... 728 00:29:38,250 --> 00:29:39,450 Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. 729 00:29:39,450 --> 00:29:40,850 ...vending-machine photo of you and Sally... 730 00:29:40,850 --> 00:29:45,050 and a partially used box of Mentor condoms. 731 00:29:45,050 --> 00:29:46,450 My favorite brand. 732 00:29:46,450 --> 00:29:48,450 It made me proud to think that my son... 733 00:29:48,450 --> 00:29:50,750 is one of those people who can have his cake... 734 00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:53,950 and eat it, too. Son, I'm proud of you. 735 00:29:53,950 --> 00:29:57,150 And I'm proud of your choice of condoms. 736 00:29:57,150 --> 00:29:57,350 Love, Dad. And I'm proud of your choice of condoms. 737 00:29:57,350 --> 00:29:58,350 Love, Dad. 738 00:29:58,350 --> 00:30:00,150 This is Dr. Baird. 739 00:30:00,150 --> 00:30:01,750 I'll be checking in shortly, and I wondered... 740 00:30:01,750 --> 00:30:04,650 if could you send some things to my room? 741 00:30:04,650 --> 00:30:08,650 Well, how about a case of Millers, ice cold... 742 00:30:08,650 --> 00:30:08,750 and a pound of Beluga caviar. Well, how about a case of Millers, ice cold... 743 00:30:08,750 --> 00:30:11,850 and a pound of Beluga caviar. 744 00:30:11,850 --> 00:30:11,950 Do you think one pound of caviar will be enough, Doctor? and a pound of Beluga caviar. 745 00:30:11,950 --> 00:30:15,550 Do you think one pound of caviar will be enough, Doctor? 746 00:30:15,550 --> 00:30:17,850 Maybe you're right. Make that two pounds of caviar... 747 00:30:17,850 --> 00:30:17,950 and throw in some cheese puffs. Maybe you're right. Make that two pounds of caviar... 748 00:30:17,950 --> 00:30:19,550 and throw in some cheese puffs. 749 00:30:25,050 --> 00:30:26,850 What are those big white things? 750 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:29,650 They're swans. They belong to the hotel. 751 00:30:29,650 --> 00:30:31,050 -Are they dangerous? -Hardly. 752 00:30:31,050 --> 00:30:34,550 That's right, and a pair of shoes, size ten. 753 00:30:34,550 --> 00:30:34,650 -10 1/2 "D" wide. -10 1/2 "D" wide. That's right, and a pair of shoes, size ten. 754 00:30:34,650 --> 00:30:37,450 -10 1/2 "D" wide. -10 1/2 "D" wide. 755 00:30:37,450 --> 00:30:39,650 -Boots. -Make that boots. 756 00:30:39,650 --> 00:30:39,750 -With corn pads. -With corn pads. -Boots. -Make that boots. 757 00:30:39,750 --> 00:30:41,750 -With corn pads. -With corn pads. 758 00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:41,850 -And arch supports. -And arch supports. Thank you. -With corn pads. -With corn pads. 759 00:30:41,850 --> 00:30:46,250 -And arch supports. -And arch supports. Thank you. 760 00:30:46,250 --> 00:30:46,450 You know how I like my shirts? -And arch supports. -And arch supports. Thank you. 761 00:30:46,450 --> 00:30:48,350 You know how I like my shirts? 762 00:30:48,450 --> 00:30:50,150 Shirts should match the suits. 763 00:30:50,150 --> 00:30:51,850 You mean a la page. 764 00:30:56,250 --> 00:30:57,550 Exactly. 765 00:31:01,950 --> 00:31:03,150 Excuse me. 766 00:31:03,150 --> 00:31:05,950 Here you go. Thank you. 767 00:31:05,950 --> 00:31:07,450 Why, thank you, sir. 768 00:31:07,450 --> 00:31:09,550 Would you like some caviar? We've got plenty. 769 00:31:09,650 --> 00:31:11,750 -No, thank you. -All right. 770 00:31:11,750 --> 00:31:13,950 I thought they took your wallet. 771 00:31:16,050 --> 00:31:18,050 They did, but when you live in Chicago... 772 00:31:18,050 --> 00:31:18,150 you always keep a couple of extra bucks... They did, but when you live in Chicago... 773 00:31:18,150 --> 00:31:19,850 you always keep a couple of extra bucks... 774 00:31:19,850 --> 00:31:21,050 in your hollowed-out heel. 775 00:31:21,150 --> 00:31:23,750 Well, your clothes will be delivered before lunch. 776 00:31:23,750 --> 00:31:23,850 Thank you, Doctor. Well, your clothes will be delivered before lunch. 777 00:31:23,850 --> 00:31:25,450 Thank you, Doctor. 778 00:31:25,450 --> 00:31:27,150 No trouble, Doctor. 779 00:31:52,450 --> 00:31:53,750 Thank you. 780 00:31:59,650 --> 00:32:01,250 -Lawrence. -Harvey. 781 00:32:01,250 --> 00:32:01,350 My assistant Perry Kovin. -Lawrence. -Harvey. 782 00:32:01,350 --> 00:32:02,850 My assistant Perry Kovin. 783 00:32:02,950 --> 00:32:04,350 -How do you do? -Dr. Baird. 784 00:32:04,350 --> 00:32:06,150 And here's to a successful practice, Lawrence. 785 00:32:06,150 --> 00:32:08,250 -May I call you Larry? -Sure. 786 00:32:13,250 --> 00:32:16,850 By the way, Harvey, how long does this job last? 787 00:32:16,850 --> 00:32:18,750 At least six months. 788 00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:18,850 Six months. That is a fair chunk of my time. At least six months. 789 00:32:18,850 --> 00:32:22,550 Six months. That is a fair chunk of my time. 790 00:32:22,550 --> 00:32:22,650 It could be a little less. Six months. That is a fair chunk of my time. 791 00:32:22,650 --> 00:32:24,150 It could be a little less. 792 00:32:24,250 --> 00:32:25,550 Six months will cost you half a mil. 793 00:32:25,550 --> 00:32:25,650 I'd like 200 thou up-front. Six months will cost you half a mil. 794 00:32:25,650 --> 00:32:27,150 I'd like 200 thou up-front. 795 00:32:28,650 --> 00:32:30,550 That's steep. 796 00:32:30,550 --> 00:32:30,650 I'll tell you what. You go and find... That's steep. 797 00:32:30,650 --> 00:32:32,550 I'll tell you what. You go and find... 798 00:32:32,550 --> 00:32:34,250 a psychiatrist with my qualifications... 799 00:32:34,250 --> 00:32:36,150 who's willing to give up his practice and come here... 800 00:32:36,250 --> 00:32:38,450 with no guarantees and no cash up-front. 801 00:32:38,450 --> 00:32:39,550 I'm sure he's out there... 802 00:32:39,550 --> 00:32:41,150 but he probably doesn't speak English. 803 00:32:41,150 --> 00:32:44,450 Your practice, Larry, consists of a couple of wards... 804 00:32:44,450 --> 00:32:46,150 of indigent psychotics and jailbirds. 805 00:32:46,150 --> 00:32:46,250 You don't have a private practice. of indigent psychotics and jailbirds. 806 00:32:46,250 --> 00:32:47,650 You don't have a private practice. 807 00:32:47,750 --> 00:32:48,850 You work for the county... 808 00:32:48,850 --> 00:32:50,550 and drive a Volare without a radio. 809 00:32:50,550 --> 00:32:50,650 The best year you ever had, you made, what, 30,000? and drive a Volare without a radio. 810 00:32:50,650 --> 00:32:55,350 The best year you ever had, you made, what, 30,000? 811 00:32:55,350 --> 00:32:55,550 We're thinking of offering you in the neighborhood of... The best year you ever had, you made, what, 30,000? 812 00:32:55,550 --> 00:32:58,250 We're thinking of offering you in the neighborhood of... 813 00:33:00,550 --> 00:33:02,050 50,000. 814 00:33:02,050 --> 00:33:04,450 I'm anxious to move out of that neighborhood. 815 00:33:04,450 --> 00:33:04,550 And frankly, if you could have gotten somebody else... I'm anxious to move out of that neighborhood. 816 00:33:04,550 --> 00:33:06,150 And frankly, if you could have gotten somebody else... 817 00:33:06,250 --> 00:33:08,850 you would have grabbed them. But I'm the one you wanted. 818 00:33:08,850 --> 00:33:12,450 And now you don't want me, so, fine. I'm histoire. 819 00:33:12,450 --> 00:33:12,550 I think we all want to make this work. And now you don't want me, so, fine. I'm histoire. 820 00:33:12,550 --> 00:33:14,550 I think we all want to make this work. 821 00:33:14,550 --> 00:33:16,450 I'll just have to call Dr. Maitlin. 822 00:33:16,450 --> 00:33:18,350 After all, it's his money. 823 00:33:20,850 --> 00:33:22,650 You talk to him. 824 00:33:23,450 --> 00:33:25,550 No lunch? 825 00:33:25,550 --> 00:33:28,750 I have a broadcast to do... maybe. 826 00:33:28,750 --> 00:33:28,850 And you have an important phone call to make. I have a broadcast to do... maybe. 827 00:33:28,850 --> 00:33:30,850 And you have an important phone call to make. 828 00:33:30,850 --> 00:33:32,850 So, ciao, now. 829 00:33:45,750 --> 00:33:48,650 I have something to confess to you. 830 00:33:48,650 --> 00:33:50,550 I've done something wrong. 831 00:33:50,550 --> 00:33:52,950 I can't keep it inside anymore. 832 00:33:52,950 --> 00:33:55,850 Did you eat all of the cucumber sandwiches? 833 00:34:01,550 --> 00:34:05,350 The reason I may or may not have had a nervous breakdown... 834 00:34:05,350 --> 00:34:05,450 and may have subconsciously tried to kill myself-- The reason I may or may not have had a nervous breakdown... 835 00:34:05,450 --> 00:34:08,750 and may have subconsciously tried to kill myself-- 836 00:34:08,750 --> 00:34:11,650 not that I'm saying I did-- 837 00:34:11,650 --> 00:34:14,950 is because of the incredible guilt that I felt... 838 00:34:14,950 --> 00:34:15,050 for the absolutely despicable act that I have committed. is because of the incredible guilt that I felt... 839 00:34:15,050 --> 00:34:20,750 for the absolutely despicable act that I have committed. 840 00:34:20,750 --> 00:34:20,850 What is it? for the absolutely despicable act that I have committed. 841 00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:22,450 What is it? 842 00:34:22,450 --> 00:34:25,350 I had sex with one of my patients. 843 00:34:25,350 --> 00:34:26,950 Excuse me? 844 00:34:30,050 --> 00:34:33,850 I--I had sex with a patient. 845 00:34:33,850 --> 00:34:33,950 I'm sorry? I--I had sex with a patient. 846 00:34:33,950 --> 00:34:35,750 I'm sorry? 847 00:34:37,250 --> 00:34:39,850 I had sex with a patient! 848 00:34:39,850 --> 00:34:39,950 You had sex with one of your patients? I had sex with a patient! 849 00:34:39,950 --> 00:34:42,250 You had sex with one of your patients? 850 00:34:59,650 --> 00:35:01,450 Phone call for you, sir. 851 00:35:09,550 --> 00:35:11,850 -What do you want? -We have to talk. 852 00:35:11,850 --> 00:35:14,750 This isn't a good time. What is it? 853 00:35:15,650 --> 00:35:17,350 What's a Baird? 854 00:35:17,450 --> 00:35:18,950 Lawrence Baird, the guy from Chicago... 855 00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:21,150 who's taking over for you. He's being tough. 856 00:35:21,150 --> 00:35:22,350 He wants 200,000 up-front. 857 00:35:22,450 --> 00:35:25,250 I will not be held up for $200,000 up-front. 858 00:35:25,250 --> 00:35:25,350 George, darling, put on your thinking cap. I will not be held up for $200,000 up-front. 859 00:35:25,350 --> 00:35:28,550 George, darling, put on your thinking cap. 860 00:35:28,550 --> 00:35:30,250 You want me to shut down your practice? 861 00:35:30,250 --> 00:35:32,750 You want your radio patients tuning to another station? 862 00:35:32,750 --> 00:35:35,050 Now, come on, buddy. Be smart. 863 00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:37,050 Get a receipt. 864 00:35:37,150 --> 00:35:41,050 These are the sales offices. Hi, Charlie. 865 00:35:41,050 --> 00:35:42,150 I'm back. 866 00:35:42,150 --> 00:35:42,250 Say, what is this guy Maitlin, anyway-- I'm back. 867 00:35:42,250 --> 00:35:43,750 Say, what is this guy Maitlin, anyway-- 868 00:35:43,750 --> 00:35:45,350 some kind of a road-company Dr. Ruth? 869 00:35:45,450 --> 00:35:46,550 You'll see. 870 00:35:46,550 --> 00:35:49,450 Welcome. Nice to see you again. 871 00:35:49,450 --> 00:35:49,550 -Now, had a nice lunch? Yeah, sure. Welcome. Nice to see you again. 872 00:35:49,550 --> 00:35:52,650 -Now, had a nice lunch? Yeah, sure. 873 00:35:52,650 --> 00:35:54,650 Let me fill you in with the details. 874 00:35:54,650 --> 00:35:56,350 The program runs two hours... 875 00:35:56,350 --> 00:35:58,150 and there are twelve commercial breaks. 876 00:35:58,150 --> 00:35:59,350 Now, if you'll sit down over here-- 877 00:35:59,450 --> 00:36:01,650 Oscar, just a sec. Excuse me for a second. 878 00:36:02,550 --> 00:36:04,650 Gentlemen, where's my money? 879 00:36:04,650 --> 00:36:06,050 It's being transferred from Switzerland. 880 00:36:06,050 --> 00:36:07,750 It's just gonna take a couple of days. 881 00:36:07,750 --> 00:36:09,450 -Forty-eight hours, then? -Great. 882 00:36:09,550 --> 00:36:11,650 I'm going to need some walking-around money. 883 00:36:11,650 --> 00:36:11,750 We heard about the mugging. OK, so I'll send... I'm going to need some walking-around money. 884 00:36:11,750 --> 00:36:13,850 We heard about the mugging. OK, so I'll send... 885 00:36:13,850 --> 00:36:13,950 what, a couple hundred to the hotel? We heard about the mugging. OK, so I'll send... 886 00:36:13,950 --> 00:36:15,350 what, a couple hundred to the hotel? 887 00:36:15,350 --> 00:36:19,150 I was thinking more like a couple of thousand. 888 00:36:19,150 --> 00:36:19,250 Just to walk around? I was thinking more like a couple of thousand. 889 00:36:19,250 --> 00:36:20,950 Just to walk around? 890 00:36:21,050 --> 00:36:23,850 Gentlemen, when I feel a lack of support... 891 00:36:23,850 --> 00:36:24,050 something very, very strange happens to my larynx! Gentlemen, when I feel a lack of support... 892 00:36:24,050 --> 00:36:27,650 something very, very strange happens to my larynx! 893 00:36:27,650 --> 00:36:29,250 And if that happens, I will not be able to help... 894 00:36:29,250 --> 00:36:31,150 all those troubled people out there in radioland. 895 00:36:31,150 --> 00:36:31,250 So we'd better arrange-- thank--thank you. all those troubled people out there in radioland. 896 00:36:31,250 --> 00:36:34,450 So we'd better arrange-- thank--thank you. 897 00:36:34,450 --> 00:36:36,150 Thank you. Thank you very much. 898 00:36:36,150 --> 00:36:36,250 And now from the Palm Garden room... Thank you. Thank you very much. 899 00:36:36,250 --> 00:36:37,650 And now from the Palm Garden room... 900 00:36:37,650 --> 00:36:39,550 high atop the Knickerbocker Hotel... 901 00:36:39,550 --> 00:36:42,450 it's the sound of the Jack Hilton Orchestra. 902 00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:42,550 The love boat, a good train, a bad dog, a beautiful girl. it's the sound of the Jack Hilton Orchestra. 903 00:36:42,550 --> 00:36:45,750 The love boat, a good train, a bad dog, a beautiful girl. 904 00:36:45,750 --> 00:36:45,850 Tonight on "MacGyver." The love boat, a good train, a bad dog, a beautiful girl. 905 00:36:45,850 --> 00:36:47,350 Tonight on "MacGyver." 906 00:36:47,350 --> 00:36:49,150 Now, what does all this stuff do? 907 00:36:49,150 --> 00:36:51,750 Now, the most important thing is the dump button. 908 00:36:51,750 --> 00:36:51,950 You're on a seven-second delay. Now, the most important thing is the dump button. 909 00:36:51,950 --> 00:36:53,550 You're on a seven-second delay. 910 00:36:53,650 --> 00:36:55,250 Anyone gets too vulgar or intimate... 911 00:36:55,250 --> 00:36:57,250 you press the button, and it cuts them off the air. 912 00:36:57,250 --> 00:36:58,350 These are neat. 913 00:36:58,450 --> 00:37:00,350 They're just special-effects buttons. 914 00:37:00,350 --> 00:37:00,450 Now, you've got three commercials to read... They're just special-effects buttons. 915 00:37:00,450 --> 00:37:02,650 Now, you've got three commercials to read... 916 00:37:02,650 --> 00:37:05,350 and they're numbered here, and they're laid out for you. 917 00:37:05,350 --> 00:37:07,250 When she goes like this... 918 00:37:07,250 --> 00:37:09,250 that means the commercial break... 919 00:37:09,250 --> 00:37:11,050 and that's when you read the commercials. 920 00:37:11,050 --> 00:37:12,950 And please, put this in your ear. 921 00:37:12,950 --> 00:37:15,650 I know you're gonna be brilliant. I'm so excited! 922 00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:17,750 I wouldn't put it anywhere else. 923 00:37:19,050 --> 00:37:21,050 You're beautiful, Hendricks. Don't ever change, babe. 924 00:37:21,050 --> 00:37:21,150 Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"-- You're beautiful, Hendricks. Don't ever change, babe. 925 00:37:21,150 --> 00:37:23,450 Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"-- 926 00:37:23,450 --> 00:37:25,050 the program that invites you... 927 00:37:25,050 --> 00:37:25,150 the radio audience, to phone in... the program that invites you... 928 00:37:25,150 --> 00:37:26,950 the radio audience, to phone in... 929 00:37:26,950 --> 00:37:27,050 and discuss your problems with qualified psychiatrists. the radio audience, to phone in... 930 00:37:27,050 --> 00:37:29,550 and discuss your problems with qualified psychiatrists. 931 00:37:29,550 --> 00:37:32,450 Today, substituting for Dr. George Maitlin... 932 00:37:32,450 --> 00:37:32,550 Dr. Lawrence Baird. Today, substituting for Dr. George Maitlin... 933 00:37:32,550 --> 00:37:34,950 Dr. Lawrence Baird. 934 00:37:38,550 --> 00:37:40,450 Hi, everybody. 935 00:37:40,450 --> 00:37:43,250 Hi. This is Dr. Baird, and you're on the air. 936 00:37:43,250 --> 00:37:43,350 We've got our first call today from Palos Verdes-- Hi. This is Dr. Baird, and you're on the air. 937 00:37:43,350 --> 00:37:47,250 We've got our first call today from Palos Verdes-- 938 00:37:47,250 --> 00:37:47,450 Scott. Hello, Scott. You're on the air. We've got our first call today from Palos Verdes-- 939 00:37:47,450 --> 00:37:49,650 Scott. Hello, Scott. You're on the air. 940 00:37:54,750 --> 00:37:56,850 I guess Scott's not quite ready... 941 00:37:56,850 --> 00:37:56,950 to deal with his problem yet, so we're gonna give him... I guess Scott's not quite ready... 942 00:37:56,950 --> 00:37:59,050 to deal with his problem yet, so we're gonna give him... 943 00:37:59,050 --> 00:38:01,450 a couple of minutes and he'll collect his thoughts. 944 00:38:01,450 --> 00:38:04,350 Going on to our next call now from West Covina-- 945 00:38:04,350 --> 00:38:04,450 Ida. Hello, lda. You're on the air. Going on to our next call now from West Covina-- 946 00:38:04,450 --> 00:38:06,350 Ida. Hello, lda. You're on the air. 947 00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:08,450 Hello? 948 00:38:08,450 --> 00:38:10,450 Hi there, lda. What's your problem? 949 00:38:10,450 --> 00:38:13,850 Well, it's not really a problem, Dr. Baird. 950 00:38:13,850 --> 00:38:13,950 Then why are you calling? Well, it's not really a problem, Dr. Baird. 951 00:38:13,950 --> 00:38:15,750 Then why are you calling? 952 00:38:15,850 --> 00:38:18,550 Recently, I met an old school friend. 953 00:38:18,550 --> 00:38:18,650 Let me ask you something. How old are you? Recently, I met an old school friend. 954 00:38:18,650 --> 00:38:21,650 Let me ask you something. How old are you? 955 00:38:21,650 --> 00:38:21,750 Fifty-nine. Anyway, I ran into this man-- Let me ask you something. How old are you? 956 00:38:21,750 --> 00:38:25,750 Fifty-nine. Anyway, I ran into this man-- 957 00:38:25,750 --> 00:38:25,850 Just a minute. Fifty-nine. Anyway, I ran into this man-- 958 00:38:25,850 --> 00:38:27,950 Just a minute. 959 00:38:27,950 --> 00:38:28,050 Sweetie, I can't talk now. I'm on the phone. Just a minute. 960 00:38:28,050 --> 00:38:30,550 Sweetie, I can't talk now. I'm on the phone. 961 00:38:30,550 --> 00:38:30,650 What was that there? Who were you just talking to? Sweetie, I can't talk now. I'm on the phone. 962 00:38:30,650 --> 00:38:33,650 What was that there? Who were you just talking to? 963 00:38:33,650 --> 00:38:35,150 -My daughter. -OK, got it. 964 00:38:35,150 --> 00:38:37,550 -I got the door closed. -Good. 965 00:38:37,550 --> 00:38:41,850 And when we met, he was very happy to see me. 966 00:38:41,850 --> 00:38:41,950 I mean, we hadn't seen each other in forty years. And when we met, he was very happy to see me. 967 00:38:41,950 --> 00:38:44,950 I mean, we hadn't seen each other in forty years. 968 00:38:44,950 --> 00:38:49,050 And he told me he thought I was still beautiful... 969 00:38:49,050 --> 00:38:49,150 and he wants to have lunch with me. And he told me he thought I was still beautiful... 970 00:38:49,150 --> 00:38:52,250 and he wants to have lunch with me. 971 00:38:52,250 --> 00:38:53,650 That's great. Sounds like fun. 972 00:38:53,650 --> 00:38:53,750 I said no, naturally, of course not. That's great. Sounds like fun. 973 00:38:53,750 --> 00:38:56,450 I said no, naturally, of course not. 974 00:38:56,450 --> 00:38:56,550 But after thinking it over, I mean, it kind of excited me. I said no, naturally, of course not. 975 00:38:56,550 --> 00:39:01,050 But after thinking it over, I mean, it kind of excited me. 976 00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:01,150 You married, lda? -Very happily, and so is he. But after thinking it over, I mean, it kind of excited me. 977 00:39:01,150 --> 00:39:04,750 You married, lda? -Very happily, and so is he. 978 00:39:04,750 --> 00:39:04,850 It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird. You married, lda? -Very happily, and so is he. 979 00:39:04,850 --> 00:39:07,350 It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird. 980 00:39:07,350 --> 00:39:10,450 Nothing like that. It just makes me feel young... 981 00:39:10,450 --> 00:39:10,550 and I guess a little romantic. Nothing like that. It just makes me feel young... 982 00:39:10,550 --> 00:39:12,850 and I guess a little romantic. 983 00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:14,850 Now, what really goes through your head... 984 00:39:14,850 --> 00:39:14,950 when you think about having lunch with this man? Now, what really goes through your head... 985 00:39:14,950 --> 00:39:16,550 when you think about having lunch with this man? 986 00:39:16,550 --> 00:39:17,750 Just off the top? 987 00:39:17,750 --> 00:39:17,850 A nice time-- maybe flowers on the table... Just off the top? 988 00:39:17,850 --> 00:39:20,750 A nice time-- maybe flowers on the table... 989 00:39:20,750 --> 00:39:22,050 glasses of wine. 990 00:39:22,050 --> 00:39:24,650 Now, come on. What are you really thinking about? 991 00:39:24,650 --> 00:39:27,750 I guess it's a lot of flattery, too. 992 00:39:27,750 --> 00:39:28,850 Come on. 993 00:39:28,850 --> 00:39:28,950 You're thinking penis and vagina here, right? Come on. 994 00:39:28,950 --> 00:39:31,450 You're thinking penis and vagina here, right? 995 00:39:31,450 --> 00:39:31,550 What? You're thinking penis and vagina here, right? 996 00:39:31,550 --> 00:39:32,650 What? 997 00:39:32,750 --> 00:39:34,350 Maybe he throws you on the table, spills the wine... 998 00:39:34,350 --> 00:39:36,650 knocks over the flowers, and you do it right there? 999 00:39:36,650 --> 00:39:39,550 -lt would ruin my marriage. -Right, but what do you care? 1000 00:39:39,550 --> 00:39:41,050 Some hot sex in the afternoon. 1001 00:39:41,050 --> 00:39:42,950 When was the last time you had it? It'd be worth it. 1002 00:39:42,950 --> 00:39:44,350 Absolutely not. I love my husband. 1003 00:39:44,350 --> 00:39:47,350 I want my marriage. I was just talking about lunch. 1004 00:39:47,350 --> 00:39:49,650 Bullshit! You were not talking about lunch. 1005 00:39:49,650 --> 00:39:51,450 You're talking about hot... 1006 00:39:51,450 --> 00:39:53,350 sweaty bodies in a steaming, humping mass. 1007 00:39:53,350 --> 00:39:55,250 Well, l--you see, l-- 1008 00:39:55,250 --> 00:39:57,850 Look, the point is, it's OK to fantasize. 1009 00:39:57,850 --> 00:39:59,750 But you just have to be aware that sometimes... 1010 00:39:59,750 --> 00:39:59,850 these hidden feelings can come up out of your psyche... But you just have to be aware that sometimes... 1011 00:39:59,850 --> 00:40:01,850 these hidden feelings can come up out of your psyche... 1012 00:40:01,850 --> 00:40:01,950 and kick you in the ass when you least expect it, OK? these hidden feelings can come up out of your psyche... 1013 00:40:01,950 --> 00:40:03,850 and kick you in the ass when you least expect it, OK? 1014 00:40:03,850 --> 00:40:06,950 Yes, Doctor. Thank you. 1015 00:40:06,950 --> 00:40:07,050 We're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird... Yes, Doctor. Thank you. 1016 00:40:07,050 --> 00:40:10,550 We're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird... 1017 00:40:10,550 --> 00:40:12,650 and we're going to take a break for a commercial now. 1018 00:40:12,650 --> 00:40:14,650 "A public service message from the National... 1019 00:40:14,650 --> 00:40:17,650 "Hang Gliding Club President's Memorial Foundation. 1020 00:40:17,650 --> 00:40:19,550 "Hang gliding is a fun sport... 1021 00:40:19,550 --> 00:40:20,950 "but sometimes accidents happen. 1022 00:40:20,950 --> 00:40:22,250 "lf you have a loved one... 1023 00:40:22,350 --> 00:40:24,050 "whose wings may have folded up in mid-soar... 1024 00:40:24,050 --> 00:40:24,150 "The National Hang Gliding Club President's... "whose wings may have folded up in mid-soar... 1025 00:40:24,150 --> 00:40:25,450 "The National Hang Gliding Club President's... 1026 00:40:25,450 --> 00:40:25,550 "Memorial Foundation can help with counseling... "The National Hang Gliding Club President's... 1027 00:40:25,550 --> 00:40:28,050 "Memorial Foundation can help with counseling... 1028 00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:29,850 "and discounts on new replacement equipment. 1029 00:40:29,850 --> 00:40:29,950 "Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F. at 1-800-BlG-FALL." "and discounts on new replacement equipment. 1030 00:40:29,950 --> 00:40:34,350 "Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F. at 1-800-BlG-FALL." 1031 00:40:37,450 --> 00:40:39,550 Everything's going swimmingly. 1032 00:40:39,550 --> 00:40:40,950 Good. I'm glad you're happy. 1033 00:40:41,050 --> 00:40:42,950 Teensy tadpoles of concern-- 1034 00:40:42,950 --> 00:40:46,050 you took an awfully long time with your first caller... 1035 00:40:46,050 --> 00:40:49,650 and I think your advice is a bit too specific. 1036 00:40:49,650 --> 00:40:49,750 The references to penises and vaginas... and I think your advice is a bit too specific. 1037 00:40:49,750 --> 00:40:51,650 The references to penises and vaginas... 1038 00:40:51,650 --> 00:40:51,750 should be toned down just a smidge. The references to penises and vaginas... 1039 00:40:51,750 --> 00:40:53,950 should be toned down just a smidge. 1040 00:40:53,950 --> 00:40:55,850 So I should use alternative terms like... 1041 00:40:55,850 --> 00:40:57,750 dick, wang, purple bulb, midget fireman's helmet... 1042 00:40:57,750 --> 00:40:57,850 Iove sausage, and bearded clam? dick, wang, purple bulb, midget fireman's helmet... 1043 00:40:57,850 --> 00:40:59,350 Iove sausage, and bearded clam? 1044 00:40:59,450 --> 00:41:04,850 I mean, this is a conservative afternoon drive-time show... 1045 00:41:04,850 --> 00:41:04,950 and we try to keep things on an even-keelish level. I mean, this is a conservative afternoon drive-time show... 1046 00:41:04,950 --> 00:41:08,450 and we try to keep things on an even-keelish level. 1047 00:41:08,450 --> 00:41:08,550 Now do you know what I mean? and we try to keep things on an even-keelish level. 1048 00:41:08,550 --> 00:41:10,150 Now do you know what I mean? 1049 00:41:10,150 --> 00:41:13,750 I guess so. I'm sorry. 1050 00:41:16,350 --> 00:41:18,150 Go ahead. You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1051 00:41:18,150 --> 00:41:18,250 The phone lines are jammed. Go ahead. You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1052 00:41:18,250 --> 00:41:20,950 The phone lines are jammed. 1053 00:41:20,950 --> 00:41:24,750 Oh Dear. Start writing our apology to the F.C.C. 1054 00:41:24,750 --> 00:41:24,850 So I did it, and I hate myself for it. Oh Dear. Start writing our apology to the F.C.C. 1055 00:41:24,850 --> 00:41:27,850 So I did it, and I hate myself for it. 1056 00:41:27,850 --> 00:41:29,850 What is this jerk's name? 1057 00:41:29,850 --> 00:41:31,350 I don't want any trouble. 1058 00:41:31,350 --> 00:41:31,450 Here's what you do. I don't want any trouble. 1059 00:41:31,450 --> 00:41:32,550 Here's what you do. 1060 00:41:32,650 --> 00:41:34,450 Next time that asshole comes on to you... 1061 00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:36,650 you grab the son of a bitch by the balls... 1062 00:41:36,650 --> 00:41:38,850 and give them a good yank. If that doesn't fix... 1063 00:41:38,850 --> 00:41:41,450 his little red pig of a wagon, you call me... 1064 00:41:41,450 --> 00:41:41,550 and I'll come down there and deal with that fuck. his little red pig of a wagon, you call me... 1065 00:41:41,550 --> 00:41:44,850 and I'll come down there and deal with that fuck. 1066 00:41:44,850 --> 00:41:44,950 Next call, Caroline from Topanga. and I'll come down there and deal with that fuck. 1067 00:41:44,950 --> 00:41:46,850 Next call, Caroline from Topanga. 1068 00:41:46,950 --> 00:41:50,050 -Did Baird just say "fuck"? -I think so. 1069 00:41:50,050 --> 00:41:50,150 You can't say "fuck" on the radio. -Did Baird just say "fuck"? -I think so. 1070 00:41:50,150 --> 00:41:52,450 You can't say "fuck" on the radio. 1071 00:41:52,450 --> 00:41:54,150 Apparently Baird can. 1072 00:41:54,150 --> 00:41:56,450 He said "balls," "asshole"... 1073 00:41:56,450 --> 00:41:56,550 "son of a bitch," and finally "fuck." He said "balls," "asshole"... 1074 00:41:56,550 --> 00:41:58,150 "son of a bitch," and finally "fuck." 1075 00:41:58,150 --> 00:42:00,950 We're OK on "balls." We're iffy on "son of a bitch." 1076 00:42:00,950 --> 00:42:02,250 And even "asshole" is somewhat... 1077 00:42:02,250 --> 00:42:02,350 anatomically potentially forgivable... And even "asshole" is somewhat... 1078 00:42:02,350 --> 00:42:04,150 anatomically potentially forgivable... 1079 00:42:04,150 --> 00:42:06,850 But there's no getting around "fuck." 1080 00:42:07,950 --> 00:42:09,350 How many negative calls? 1081 00:42:09,350 --> 00:42:12,250 None of them. They all want to talk to Baird. 1082 00:42:13,950 --> 00:42:16,250 Go ahead. You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1083 00:42:16,250 --> 00:42:17,850 We have Yuri from Encino. Go ahead, Yuri. 1084 00:42:17,850 --> 00:42:21,150 Doctor, I have a problem satisfying my partners. 1085 00:42:21,150 --> 00:42:21,250 -What business are you in? -I mean the other ones. Doctor, I have a problem satisfying my partners. 1086 00:42:21,250 --> 00:42:23,750 -What business are you in? -I mean the other ones. 1087 00:42:23,750 --> 00:42:25,150 You mean sexual partners. 1088 00:42:25,150 --> 00:42:25,250 I mean, just the mention of the word "sex," and l-- You mean sexual partners. 1089 00:42:25,250 --> 00:42:27,450 I mean, just the mention of the word "sex," and l-- 1090 00:42:30,750 --> 00:42:33,550 It sounds to me, sitting here several miles away... 1091 00:42:33,550 --> 00:42:35,650 that you have a case of premature ejaculation-- 1092 00:42:35,650 --> 00:42:37,550 and a pretty severe one at that. The first thing I'd suggest... 1093 00:42:37,550 --> 00:42:38,850 is not to feel too bad about it. 1094 00:42:38,850 --> 00:42:38,950 It happens to all men at some point in their lives. is not to feel too bad about it. 1095 00:42:38,950 --> 00:42:40,950 It happens to all men at some point in their lives. 1096 00:42:40,950 --> 00:42:43,050 But mine's been going on twenty-five years. 1097 00:42:43,150 --> 00:42:45,650 I can't look at a woman. I can't even think about sex. 1098 00:42:50,650 --> 00:42:52,350 Doctor, it just happened again. 1099 00:42:52,450 --> 00:42:55,250 Just calm down now and relax. 1100 00:42:55,250 --> 00:42:55,350 Let's try something here. Think about something... Just calm down now and relax. 1101 00:42:55,350 --> 00:42:58,150 Let's try something here. Think about something... 1102 00:42:58,150 --> 00:42:58,250 that could not possibly arouse you. Let's try something here. Think about something... 1103 00:42:58,250 --> 00:43:00,350 that could not possibly arouse you. 1104 00:43:00,350 --> 00:43:02,850 For instance... 1105 00:43:02,850 --> 00:43:06,250 fixing the transmission in a 1961 Dodge Shiftomatic. 1106 00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:07,550 That's what always works for me. 1107 00:43:07,550 --> 00:43:10,350 I like to mentally put on my overalls... 1108 00:43:10,350 --> 00:43:10,450 take my mechanic's palette... I like to mentally put on my overalls... 1109 00:43:10,450 --> 00:43:12,050 take my mechanic's palette... 1110 00:43:12,050 --> 00:43:15,150 slide along the floor under the drive shaft... 1111 00:43:15,150 --> 00:43:19,850 pass the universal joint, grab the joint on the way by... 1112 00:43:19,850 --> 00:43:19,950 and wiggle it back and forth, check it for play. pass the universal joint, grab the joint on the way by... 1113 00:43:19,950 --> 00:43:22,150 and wiggle it back and forth, check it for play. 1114 00:43:22,150 --> 00:43:24,950 Then get to the bell housing and take out your ratchet... 1115 00:43:24,950 --> 00:43:27,450 unscrew all the bolts... 1116 00:43:27,450 --> 00:43:30,550 and separate the bell housing from the rest of the apparatus. 1117 00:43:30,550 --> 00:43:30,650 And there you can feel for splines... and separate the bell housing from the rest of the apparatus. 1118 00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:32,750 And there you can feel for splines... 1119 00:43:32,750 --> 00:43:35,450 and spread the planetary gears. 1120 00:43:36,650 --> 00:43:39,450 You are getting sexually excited... 1121 00:43:39,450 --> 00:43:42,550 as I sit here and talk about transmission repair. 1122 00:43:42,550 --> 00:43:42,650 I think you'd better come down to my office. as I sit here and talk about transmission repair. 1123 00:43:42,650 --> 00:43:44,650 I think you'd better come down to my office. 1124 00:43:44,650 --> 00:43:46,250 I couldn't afford it, Doctor. 1125 00:43:46,250 --> 00:43:48,050 If you need to talk, just come on down... 1126 00:43:48,050 --> 00:43:49,350 and we'll talk. There's no charge. 1127 00:43:49,350 --> 00:43:50,850 Really? What's your address? 1128 00:43:50,850 --> 00:43:53,150 I just got into town, and I'm working... 1129 00:43:53,150 --> 00:43:54,750 out of the offices of Dr. George Maitlin... 1130 00:43:54,750 --> 00:43:56,650 in Beverly Hills. Come down and see me. We'll talk. 1131 00:43:56,650 --> 00:43:59,250 No charge whatsoever. Thank you. 1132 00:43:59,250 --> 00:44:01,150 I've got everybody in my control booth here... 1133 00:44:01,150 --> 00:44:04,050 signaling me like crazy for a commercial. 1134 00:44:04,050 --> 00:44:05,950 They've got these funny... 1135 00:44:05,950 --> 00:44:07,650 desperate looks on their faces... 1136 00:44:07,650 --> 00:44:09,150 Iike it'd be the end of the world... 1137 00:44:09,150 --> 00:44:11,650 if I don't stop for some silly announcement. 1138 00:44:11,650 --> 00:44:11,750 But your problems are more important. if I don't stop for some silly announcement. 1139 00:44:11,750 --> 00:44:13,450 But your problems are more important. 1140 00:44:13,450 --> 00:44:15,250 And if you're like Yuri, you cannot afford therapy... 1141 00:44:15,250 --> 00:44:17,150 come on down and see me at the offices... 1142 00:44:17,150 --> 00:44:18,750 of George Maitlin in Beverly Hills. 1143 00:44:18,750 --> 00:44:20,750 Otherwise, keep those calls coming... 1144 00:44:20,750 --> 00:44:22,450 until they drag me off, pull the plug... 1145 00:44:22,450 --> 00:44:23,950 or everybody in L.A. is cured! 1146 00:44:24,050 --> 00:44:26,150 -How was l? You were fine. 1147 00:44:26,150 --> 00:44:29,850 -I wasn't any better than fine? You were better than fine. 1148 00:44:29,850 --> 00:44:29,950 By the way, here's a message... -I wasn't any better than fine? You were better than fine. 1149 00:44:29,950 --> 00:44:32,050 By the way, here's a message... 1150 00:44:32,050 --> 00:44:32,150 from someone who didn't want to talk on the air. By the way, here's a message... 1151 00:44:32,150 --> 00:44:34,250 from someone who didn't want to talk on the air. 1152 00:44:34,250 --> 00:44:34,350 He's a friend of yours from this morning... from someone who didn't want to talk on the air. 1153 00:44:34,350 --> 00:44:36,250 He's a friend of yours from this morning... 1154 00:44:36,250 --> 00:44:37,850 and he knows where you got your pants. 1155 00:44:39,450 --> 00:44:42,950 See? I told you those pants would be all the rage someday. 1156 00:44:46,750 --> 00:44:49,750 Donald Becker. He's your garden-variety misfit... 1157 00:44:49,750 --> 00:44:49,850 in and out of here every couple of weeks. Donald Becker. He's your garden-variety misfit... 1158 00:44:49,850 --> 00:44:51,750 in and out of here every couple of weeks. 1159 00:44:51,750 --> 00:44:51,850 He doesn't fit in anywhere-- not in prison... in and out of here every couple of weeks. 1160 00:44:51,850 --> 00:44:53,850 He doesn't fit in anywhere-- not in prison... 1161 00:44:53,850 --> 00:44:55,450 not here, not on the streets. 1162 00:44:55,450 --> 00:44:57,350 So, in other words, society rotates him. 1163 00:44:57,350 --> 00:44:58,850 Dr. Smet, you ever look around this place... 1164 00:44:58,950 --> 00:45:00,050 at these patients and think... 1165 00:45:00,050 --> 00:45:02,050 there but for the grace of God, go l? 1166 00:45:02,050 --> 00:45:04,550 We're supposed to study emotions, not have them. 1167 00:45:04,550 --> 00:45:06,150 Spoken like a true healer. 1168 00:45:06,150 --> 00:45:09,350 Can I have the Becker release forms, please? 1169 00:45:09,350 --> 00:45:09,450 He's gonna be a little groggy. We had to sedate him. Can I have the Becker release forms, please? 1170 00:45:09,450 --> 00:45:12,250 He's gonna be a little groggy. We had to sedate him. 1171 00:45:12,250 --> 00:45:14,150 Is this the kind of place where if anything moves... 1172 00:45:14,150 --> 00:45:16,350 you whack it with a thousand mikes of chlortianazine. 1173 00:45:16,350 --> 00:45:17,550 My, didn't we get out... 1174 00:45:17,650 --> 00:45:19,550 on the wrong side of the couch this morning? 1175 00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:21,750 Here, sign all five copies. 1176 00:45:21,750 --> 00:45:21,850 Dr. Baird has generously given... Here, sign all five copies. 1177 00:45:21,850 --> 00:45:24,250 Dr. Baird has generously given... 1178 00:45:24,250 --> 00:45:26,750 his personal guarantee for Donald Becker. 1179 00:45:26,750 --> 00:45:28,250 He'll be released with his usual... 1180 00:45:28,250 --> 00:45:28,350 seven-day maintenance prescription. He'll be released with his usual... 1181 00:45:28,350 --> 00:45:30,450 seven-day maintenance prescription. 1182 00:45:30,450 --> 00:45:32,950 It'll make it much easier to handle that way. 1183 00:45:45,050 --> 00:45:46,550 Thanks. 1184 00:45:46,550 --> 00:45:49,450 I got you into this. Now I'll get you out. 1185 00:45:49,450 --> 00:45:53,150 Here's $50. Have a nice life. You don't have to thank me. 1186 00:45:53,150 --> 00:45:53,250 Wait a minute. Where you going? Here's $50. Have a nice life. You don't have to thank me. 1187 00:45:53,250 --> 00:45:55,950 Wait a minute. Where you going? 1188 00:45:55,950 --> 00:45:57,650 Mr. Becker, out there is life's highway. 1189 00:45:57,750 --> 00:46:00,150 The farthest journey begins with a single step... 1190 00:46:00,150 --> 00:46:00,250 and I want you as far away from me as possible. The farthest journey begins with a single step... 1191 00:46:00,250 --> 00:46:02,650 and I want you as far away from me as possible. 1192 00:46:02,650 --> 00:46:04,750 Fifty bucks isn't gonna buy me off. 1193 00:46:04,750 --> 00:46:07,850 What I know is worth a lot more than that. 1194 00:46:07,850 --> 00:46:09,150 What do you know? 1195 00:46:09,250 --> 00:46:11,250 Those pants you were wearing. 1196 00:46:11,250 --> 00:46:11,350 Prison issue in Texas, Arkansas, and lllinois. Those pants you were wearing. 1197 00:46:11,350 --> 00:46:14,050 Prison issue in Texas, Arkansas, and lllinois. 1198 00:46:14,050 --> 00:46:16,250 I had a friend who was buried in them. 1199 00:46:18,350 --> 00:46:20,150 I knew it, even though... 1200 00:46:20,150 --> 00:46:21,550 the son of a bitch who sold them to me... 1201 00:46:21,550 --> 00:46:21,650 swore they were one of a kind. the son of a bitch who sold them to me... 1202 00:46:21,650 --> 00:46:23,350 swore they were one of a kind. 1203 00:46:24,450 --> 00:46:25,950 I don't know. 1204 00:46:25,950 --> 00:46:26,050 There's an air about you-- a certain look. I don't know. 1205 00:46:26,050 --> 00:46:29,650 There's an air about you-- a certain look. 1206 00:46:30,950 --> 00:46:33,450 You don't seem like a doctor to me. 1207 00:46:33,450 --> 00:46:35,650 You look like a malcontent misfit... 1208 00:46:35,650 --> 00:46:38,050 who skirted around society's edges... 1209 00:46:38,050 --> 00:46:40,950 and never done shit. Takes one to know one. 1210 00:46:40,950 --> 00:46:43,450 So either you share the wealth with me... 1211 00:46:43,450 --> 00:46:43,550 or you share the cell with me. So either you share the wealth with me... 1212 00:46:43,550 --> 00:46:46,050 or you share the cell with me. 1213 00:46:50,150 --> 00:46:52,250 You know, I could get used to a place like this. 1214 00:46:52,250 --> 00:46:55,950 Could really, really mellow out. 1215 00:46:55,950 --> 00:46:57,350 Before you get too mellow... 1216 00:46:57,350 --> 00:46:58,450 give me the rest of those drugs. 1217 00:46:58,550 --> 00:46:59,850 What are you-- 1218 00:46:59,850 --> 00:47:03,450 That's my--my pills, my maintenance dose. 1219 00:47:04,850 --> 00:47:06,450 Hope they got cable. 1220 00:47:06,450 --> 00:47:09,450 I won't be able to watch regular TV without drugs. 1221 00:47:11,950 --> 00:47:14,650 Yes, that's a one-way ticket to Mexico City. 1222 00:47:14,650 --> 00:47:16,250 Let me ask you something. 1223 00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:16,350 Is there anything more expensive than first class? Let me ask you something. 1224 00:47:16,350 --> 00:47:19,450 Is there anything more expensive than first class? 1225 00:47:19,450 --> 00:47:19,550 Too bad. Is there anything more expensive than first class? 1226 00:47:19,550 --> 00:47:21,350 Too bad. 1227 00:47:21,350 --> 00:47:21,450 No, leave the departure open. Too bad. 1228 00:47:21,450 --> 00:47:23,850 No, leave the departure open. 1229 00:47:23,850 --> 00:47:25,950 A flight leaves every night at 10:00? 1230 00:47:25,950 --> 00:47:26,050 I'll leave payment at the front desk. Ciao. A flight leaves every night at 10:00? 1231 00:47:26,050 --> 00:47:29,050 I'll leave payment at the front desk. Ciao. 1232 00:47:41,750 --> 00:47:43,350 What's all this stuff about? 1233 00:47:43,350 --> 00:47:46,050 You ever heard of the Klephthes? 1234 00:47:46,050 --> 00:47:46,150 -What? -They were my ancestors. You ever heard of the Klephthes? 1235 00:47:46,150 --> 00:47:48,850 -What? -They were my ancestors. 1236 00:47:48,850 --> 00:47:51,250 That hardy band of Greek patriots... 1237 00:47:51,250 --> 00:47:51,350 who held the hills during the Turkish conquest. That hardy band of Greek patriots... 1238 00:47:51,350 --> 00:47:54,250 who held the hills during the Turkish conquest. 1239 00:47:54,250 --> 00:47:55,650 They were known as the Klephthes... 1240 00:47:55,650 --> 00:47:55,750 hence, kleptomaniacs. They were known as the Klephthes... 1241 00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:56,950 hence, kleptomaniacs. 1242 00:47:56,950 --> 00:47:59,750 Their revenge was taking everything in sight. 1243 00:47:59,750 --> 00:47:59,950 You know, my ancestors were Toro Fecundians. Their revenge was taking everything in sight. 1244 00:47:59,950 --> 00:48:02,150 You know, my ancestors were Toro Fecundians. 1245 00:48:02,150 --> 00:48:02,250 They had the ability to smell bullshit a mile away. You know, my ancestors were Toro Fecundians. 1246 00:48:02,250 --> 00:48:05,350 They had the ability to smell bullshit a mile away. 1247 00:48:14,750 --> 00:48:18,150 Why do I have to come with you? I could be so happy here. 1248 00:48:18,150 --> 00:48:18,250 "A," because you're in my custody... Why do I have to come with you? I could be so happy here. 1249 00:48:18,250 --> 00:48:20,250 "A," because you're in my custody... 1250 00:48:20,250 --> 00:48:22,450 "B," I don't trust you, and "C," the maids refuse... 1251 00:48:22,450 --> 00:48:24,150 to clean the room with you in it. 1252 00:48:28,550 --> 00:48:31,450 Are you sure that this is your office? 1253 00:48:32,650 --> 00:48:35,750 -ls that him? -What's going on here, Officer? 1254 00:48:35,750 --> 00:48:39,150 Some shrink named Baird offered free therapy on the radio... 1255 00:48:39,150 --> 00:48:40,650 and all these people showed up. 1256 00:48:40,650 --> 00:48:43,450 This is a bad dream, and you're late for Mrs. Guber. 1257 00:48:43,450 --> 00:48:44,850 And what is he doing here? 1258 00:48:44,850 --> 00:48:46,550 I'm here because I'm desperately in love with you. 1259 00:48:46,550 --> 00:48:48,950 I have been from the moment we met at the airport. 1260 00:48:48,950 --> 00:48:51,050 I could tell I aroused an emotion in you. 1261 00:48:51,150 --> 00:48:53,550 I knew it was only disgust, but I can build on that. 1262 00:48:53,550 --> 00:48:53,750 -Becker. -Will you marry me? I knew it was only disgust, but I can build on that. 1263 00:48:53,750 --> 00:48:55,050 -Becker. -Will you marry me? 1264 00:48:55,150 --> 00:48:58,150 Cease and desist. Give me five minutes. 1265 00:48:58,150 --> 00:49:00,050 Mrs. Guber, I'm afraid... 1266 00:49:00,050 --> 00:49:01,550 we're going to have to reschedule today. 1267 00:49:01,550 --> 00:49:01,650 Reschedule? Doctor, please. we're going to have to reschedule today. 1268 00:49:01,650 --> 00:49:03,650 Reschedule? Doctor, please. 1269 00:49:03,650 --> 00:49:05,550 This can't wait. I need your help now! 1270 00:49:05,550 --> 00:49:07,650 I'm having a power struggle with my maid... 1271 00:49:07,650 --> 00:49:07,750 and she's winning. I'm having a power struggle with my maid... 1272 00:49:07,750 --> 00:49:08,850 and she's winning. 1273 00:49:08,850 --> 00:49:12,450 -Any ideas, Dr. Rollins? You're the idea man. 1274 00:49:12,450 --> 00:49:12,650 Doctor, forget about those freebies. -Any ideas, Dr. Rollins? You're the idea man. 1275 00:49:12,650 --> 00:49:14,650 Doctor, forget about those freebies. 1276 00:49:14,650 --> 00:49:16,350 What about me and Maria? 1277 00:49:16,450 --> 00:49:18,350 We want Baird! 1278 00:49:18,350 --> 00:49:19,950 History teaches us, among other things... 1279 00:49:19,950 --> 00:49:20,050 that most power struggles are based on money and/or religion. History teaches us, among other things... 1280 00:49:20,050 --> 00:49:22,750 that most power struggles are based on money and/or religion. 1281 00:49:22,750 --> 00:49:24,850 Now, did you have any religious differences... 1282 00:49:24,850 --> 00:49:24,950 with your maid? Now, did you have any religious differences... 1283 00:49:24,950 --> 00:49:26,050 with your maid? 1284 00:49:26,050 --> 00:49:29,050 -We ironed those out years ago. -Anybody have a pen? 1285 00:49:30,150 --> 00:49:31,850 Thank you. 1286 00:49:31,850 --> 00:49:34,050 Your five minutes are up. What are you going to do? 1287 00:49:34,050 --> 00:49:34,150 I know what I'd do if I were in Chicago. Your five minutes are up. What are you going to do? 1288 00:49:34,150 --> 00:49:36,450 I know what I'd do if I were in Chicago. 1289 00:49:36,450 --> 00:49:37,550 What's that? 1290 00:49:37,650 --> 00:49:39,450 I'd take them all to a ball game. 1291 00:49:39,450 --> 00:49:39,550 Thank you very much, patients... I'd take them all to a ball game. 1292 00:49:39,550 --> 00:49:40,550 Thank you very much, patients... 1293 00:49:40,550 --> 00:49:40,650 for coming to our free therapy session today. Thank you very much, patients... 1294 00:49:40,650 --> 00:49:42,350 for coming to our free therapy session today. 1295 00:49:42,350 --> 00:49:44,350 As announced on the radio, all therapy and treatment... 1296 00:49:44,350 --> 00:49:45,650 today is absolutely free. 1297 00:49:45,650 --> 00:49:47,050 The buses have been categorized... 1298 00:49:47,150 --> 00:49:48,950 as to particular condition and ailment. 1299 00:49:48,950 --> 00:49:49,050 All sexual malfunctions and dysfunctions... as to particular condition and ailment. 1300 00:49:49,050 --> 00:49:50,550 All sexual malfunctions and dysfunctions... 1301 00:49:50,550 --> 00:49:52,950 on bus number one. Penis envy? 1302 00:49:54,250 --> 00:49:56,250 Come on, now. Penis envy? 1303 00:49:56,250 --> 00:49:58,050 Girls, come on. We're all in this together. Come on. 1304 00:49:58,050 --> 00:50:00,450 Penis envy? On board, please. Thank you very much. 1305 00:50:00,450 --> 00:50:00,550 Premature ejaculators and non-ejaculators. Penis envy? On board, please. Thank you very much. 1306 00:50:00,550 --> 00:50:02,550 Premature ejaculators and non-ejaculators. 1307 00:50:02,550 --> 00:50:02,650 Now, come on, now. Premature and non-ejaculators. Premature ejaculators and non-ejaculators. 1308 00:50:02,650 --> 00:50:05,750 Now, come on, now. Premature and non-ejaculators. 1309 00:50:05,750 --> 00:50:05,850 Premature ejaculators, non-ejaculators... Now, come on, now. Premature and non-ejaculators. 1310 00:50:05,850 --> 00:50:07,150 Premature ejaculators, non-ejaculators... 1311 00:50:07,150 --> 00:50:08,950 and retrograde ejaculators on board, please. 1312 00:50:10,150 --> 00:50:13,750 Nymphomaniacs. Don't let me out of your sight. 1313 00:50:13,750 --> 00:50:13,850 Nymphomaniacs, please come with me. Nymphomaniacs. Don't let me out of your sight. 1314 00:50:13,850 --> 00:50:15,950 Nymphomaniacs, please come with me. 1315 00:50:15,950 --> 00:50:16,050 Thank you very much. Bus number five... Nymphomaniacs, please come with me. 1316 00:50:16,050 --> 00:50:17,250 Thank you very much. Bus number five... 1317 00:50:17,350 --> 00:50:20,150 all other forms of obsessive-compulsive behavior. 1318 00:50:20,150 --> 00:50:23,350 And bus number six, schizophrenics. 1319 00:50:23,350 --> 00:50:23,450 Actually, schizophrenics... And bus number six, schizophrenics. 1320 00:50:23,450 --> 00:50:24,550 Actually, schizophrenics... 1321 00:50:24,650 --> 00:50:26,250 you get to choose between one and six... 1322 00:50:26,250 --> 00:50:26,350 and bus number six, all others, please. you get to choose between one and six... 1323 00:50:26,350 --> 00:50:27,950 and bus number six, all others, please. 1324 00:50:27,950 --> 00:50:28,050 All right, Doctor. We're all set. and bus number six, all others, please. 1325 00:50:28,050 --> 00:50:29,550 All right, Doctor. We're all set. 1326 00:50:29,550 --> 00:50:29,650 We're playing New York at one o'clock. All right, Doctor. We're all set. 1327 00:50:29,650 --> 00:50:31,150 We're playing New York at one o'clock. 1328 00:50:31,150 --> 00:50:33,250 I got you 280 bleacher section seats... 1329 00:50:33,250 --> 00:50:33,350 and the buses are prepaid... I got you 280 bleacher section seats... 1330 00:50:33,350 --> 00:50:34,950 and the buses are prepaid... 1331 00:50:34,950 --> 00:50:35,050 and here's the microphone you asked for. and the buses are prepaid... 1332 00:50:35,050 --> 00:50:36,450 and here's the microphone you asked for. 1333 00:50:36,550 --> 00:50:39,950 Great job. Why don't you join us? 1334 00:50:39,950 --> 00:50:40,150 No, thank you. Great job. Why don't you join us? 1335 00:50:40,150 --> 00:50:41,250 No, thank you. 1336 00:50:41,250 --> 00:50:43,550 Come on. I got a section reserved here on the special... 1337 00:50:43,650 --> 00:50:46,150 just for people who have a compulsive need to brown-nose. 1338 00:50:46,150 --> 00:50:46,250 Brown-nose! just for people who have a compulsive need to brown-nose. 1339 00:50:46,250 --> 00:50:48,250 Brown-nose! 1340 00:50:48,350 --> 00:50:50,650 Relax. Take a load off those knees. 1341 00:50:53,550 --> 00:50:57,350 All abo-o-o-oard! 1342 00:50:57,350 --> 00:50:58,950 Guy goes to a shrink. 1343 00:50:58,950 --> 00:50:59,050 Says, "Last night, I dreamt I was a wigwam. Guy goes to a shrink. 1344 00:50:59,050 --> 00:51:00,950 Says, "Last night, I dreamt I was a wigwam. 1345 00:51:00,950 --> 00:51:02,450 "Night before, I dreamt I was a tepee. 1346 00:51:02,450 --> 00:51:04,150 "What's it all mean?" Shrink says... 1347 00:51:04,250 --> 00:51:06,950 "It's very simple. It means you're two tents." 1348 00:51:06,950 --> 00:51:08,350 Get it? Tense! 1349 00:51:08,350 --> 00:51:08,450 You're a beautiful audience-- absolutely fantastic. Get it? Tense! 1350 00:51:08,450 --> 00:51:10,750 You're a beautiful audience-- absolutely fantastic. 1351 00:51:10,750 --> 00:51:14,850 He's brilliant, or he's a fool. One or the other. 1352 00:51:14,850 --> 00:51:14,950 We'll try to work through your problems here today... He's brilliant, or he's a fool. One or the other. 1353 00:51:14,950 --> 00:51:16,150 We'll try to work through your problems here today... 1354 00:51:16,250 --> 00:51:18,350 and see what we can do, see if we can help each other. 1355 00:51:18,350 --> 00:51:18,450 Who's first? and see what we can do, see if we can help each other. 1356 00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:20,550 Who's first? 1357 00:51:20,550 --> 00:51:22,350 Here's a lady. All right. Where are you from? 1358 00:51:22,350 --> 00:51:24,850 Susan, from Hollywood. 1359 00:51:24,850 --> 00:51:26,950 From Hollywood. What's your dream? 1360 00:51:26,950 --> 00:51:30,550 I dreamed recently that I was crossing Afghanistan... 1361 00:51:30,550 --> 00:51:30,650 wearing nothing but high heels. I dreamed recently that I was crossing Afghanistan... 1362 00:51:30,650 --> 00:51:32,850 wearing nothing but high heels. 1363 00:51:32,850 --> 00:51:32,950 And you were embarrassed? wearing nothing but high heels. 1364 00:51:32,950 --> 00:51:34,850 And you were embarrassed? 1365 00:51:34,950 --> 00:51:37,550 The Russians and tanks went right by me... 1366 00:51:37,550 --> 00:51:39,450 and the Afghan rebels ignored me. 1367 00:51:39,450 --> 00:51:41,750 But when I got to the Pakistani border... 1368 00:51:41,750 --> 00:51:43,650 there was a giant shopping mall... 1369 00:51:43,650 --> 00:51:45,150 called the Karachi Galleria. 1370 00:51:45,150 --> 00:51:45,250 But the parking lot was empty... called the Karachi Galleria. 1371 00:51:45,250 --> 00:51:46,950 But the parking lot was empty... 1372 00:51:46,950 --> 00:51:50,150 except for millions of lizards wearing dark glasses... 1373 00:51:50,150 --> 00:51:52,650 and one of them looked like Barbara Walters. 1374 00:51:52,650 --> 00:51:55,250 They were eating tiny, little Haagen-Dazs... 1375 00:51:55,250 --> 00:51:57,350 ice cream cones being served... 1376 00:51:57,350 --> 00:51:59,750 by a guy I went to high school with. 1377 00:51:59,750 --> 00:52:02,750 I went inside the mall to the food fair... 1378 00:52:02,750 --> 00:52:02,850 where the smell of caramel popcorn... I went inside the mall to the food fair... 1379 00:52:02,850 --> 00:52:04,850 where the smell of caramel popcorn... 1380 00:52:04,850 --> 00:52:07,250 and cleaning fluid so overwhelmed me... 1381 00:52:07,250 --> 00:52:09,150 that I noticed my nakedness... 1382 00:52:09,150 --> 00:52:09,250 Speaking of nuts, I'm Donald Becker. that I noticed my nakedness... 1383 00:52:09,250 --> 00:52:12,750 Speaking of nuts, I'm Donald Becker. 1384 00:52:12,750 --> 00:52:12,950 I'm Dr. Laura Rollins. Speaking of nuts, I'm Donald Becker. 1385 00:52:12,950 --> 00:52:16,150 I'm Dr. Laura Rollins. 1386 00:52:16,150 --> 00:52:16,250 You a shrink? I don't care much for shrinks. I'm Dr. Laura Rollins. 1387 00:52:16,250 --> 00:52:20,850 You a shrink? I don't care much for shrinks. 1388 00:52:20,850 --> 00:52:20,950 All that honesty and openness and truth-telling gets so icky. You a shrink? I don't care much for shrinks. 1389 00:52:20,950 --> 00:52:25,950 All that honesty and openness and truth-telling gets so icky. 1390 00:52:27,250 --> 00:52:29,650 Sometimes the truth is icky. 1391 00:52:34,150 --> 00:52:35,350 I'm Dan Peterson, head of promotion. 1392 00:52:35,450 --> 00:52:38,050 This is a wonderful thing you're doing here. 1393 00:52:38,050 --> 00:52:39,950 Thanks for giving us the seats. 1394 00:52:39,950 --> 00:52:40,050 If there's anything else I can get for you... Thanks for giving us the seats. 1395 00:52:40,050 --> 00:52:41,350 If there's anything else I can get for you... 1396 00:52:41,350 --> 00:52:42,950 please, don't hesitate to ask. 1397 00:52:42,950 --> 00:52:45,350 There is one thing... 1398 00:52:45,350 --> 00:52:47,250 that I've always wanted to do at a ball game... 1399 00:52:47,250 --> 00:52:49,250 but--no. Forget it. 1400 00:52:49,250 --> 00:52:49,350 Your wish is our command. -I can't. but--no. Forget it. 1401 00:52:49,350 --> 00:52:51,450 Your wish is our command. -I can't. 1402 00:52:51,450 --> 00:52:51,550 -Sure you can. -I can? Your wish is our command. -I can't. 1403 00:52:51,550 --> 00:52:53,350 -Sure you can. -I can? 1404 00:52:53,350 --> 00:52:59,350 The bombs bursting in air 1405 00:52:59,350 --> 00:52:59,450 Gave us proof through the night The bombs bursting in air 1406 00:52:59,450 --> 00:53:02,850 Gave us proof through the night 1407 00:53:02,850 --> 00:53:02,950 He's been in town less than thirty-six hours... Gave us proof through the night 1408 00:53:02,950 --> 00:53:04,850 He's been in town less than thirty-six hours... 1409 00:53:04,850 --> 00:53:07,350 and he's at a ball game singing the national anthem. 1410 00:53:07,350 --> 00:53:07,450 This guy could be a goddamn TV star. and he's at a ball game singing the national anthem. 1411 00:53:07,450 --> 00:53:09,950 This guy could be a goddamn TV star. 1412 00:53:09,950 --> 00:53:12,450 What does a syndicated shrink show mean to you... 1413 00:53:12,450 --> 00:53:12,550 executive producer Perry Kovin? What does a syndicated shrink show mean to you... 1414 00:53:12,550 --> 00:53:15,150 executive producer Perry Kovin? 1415 00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:15,250 And the home of the brave executive producer Perry Kovin? 1416 00:53:15,250 --> 00:53:19,050 And the home of the brave 1417 00:53:20,750 --> 00:53:29,750 Over here, in the left-field bleachers, are my patients. 1418 00:53:29,750 --> 00:53:29,950 Please give them a warm L.A. welcome. Over here, in the left-field bleachers, are my patients. 1419 00:53:29,950 --> 00:53:35,950 Please give them a warm L.A. welcome. 1420 00:53:40,450 --> 00:53:41,950 Thank you. 1421 00:53:47,350 --> 00:53:49,650 -Hot dog? -Thank you, Doctor. 1422 00:53:49,650 --> 00:53:52,150 -Hot dog? -I hate hot dogs. 1423 00:53:54,350 --> 00:53:57,750 -Getting cured? -Not yet, but I'm gonna get it. 1424 00:53:57,750 --> 00:54:00,250 All right. On that note, I think I'll just continue... 1425 00:54:00,250 --> 00:54:00,350 with my therapeutic ministry. All right. On that note, I think I'll just continue... 1426 00:54:00,350 --> 00:54:02,450 with my therapeutic ministry. 1427 00:54:02,450 --> 00:54:05,650 Unblock your emotions! Have a red hot! 1428 00:54:05,650 --> 00:54:05,750 Anorexics, come on. Don't be afraid! Unblock your emotions! Have a red hot! 1429 00:54:05,750 --> 00:54:07,550 Anorexics, come on. Don't be afraid! 1430 00:54:07,550 --> 00:54:10,250 Have two or three! It's all right! 1431 00:54:10,250 --> 00:54:13,550 How are you doing? Very good. Enjoying the game? 1432 00:54:13,550 --> 00:54:15,150 What other sports do you like? 1433 00:54:17,850 --> 00:54:19,550 Fabulous, wasn't it? 1434 00:54:19,550 --> 00:54:21,550 Sigmund was the first to deal with mass hysteria. 1435 00:54:21,550 --> 00:54:21,650 I am the first to deal with mass transit. Sigmund was the first to deal with mass hysteria. 1436 00:54:21,650 --> 00:54:23,950 I am the first to deal with mass transit. 1437 00:54:43,850 --> 00:54:47,550 You are the strangest shrink I've ever met... 1438 00:54:47,550 --> 00:54:47,650 and this is the strangest date I've ever been on. You are the strangest shrink I've ever met... 1439 00:54:47,650 --> 00:54:50,150 and this is the strangest date I've ever been on. 1440 00:54:57,050 --> 00:54:59,950 Good afternoon. It's 4:00, tea time in England... 1441 00:54:59,950 --> 00:55:00,050 and therapy time here in the Southland. Good afternoon. It's 4:00, tea time in England... 1442 00:55:00,050 --> 00:55:01,950 and therapy time here in the Southland. 1443 00:55:01,950 --> 00:55:02,050 I am Dr. Lawrence Baird... and therapy time here in the Southland. 1444 00:55:02,050 --> 00:55:03,250 I am Dr. Lawrence Baird... 1445 00:55:03,350 --> 00:55:04,850 When was the last time you saw ratings... 1446 00:55:04,850 --> 00:55:06,350 go up like this in two days? 1447 00:55:06,350 --> 00:55:08,350 He's got something, doesn't he? 1448 00:55:08,350 --> 00:55:10,850 He cares. That's the secret. It's in his voice. 1449 00:55:10,850 --> 00:55:10,950 You know what that's worth to an advertiser? He cares. That's the secret. It's in his voice. 1450 00:55:10,950 --> 00:55:12,850 You know what that's worth to an advertiser? 1451 00:55:12,850 --> 00:55:14,150 Absolutely. 1452 00:55:14,150 --> 00:55:16,850 If anyone wants a doughnut without jelly, they're ready. 1453 00:55:16,850 --> 00:55:18,350 ...and recording them in a diary... 1454 00:55:18,350 --> 00:55:18,450 to analyze what each drill hit feels like. ...and recording them in a diary... 1455 00:55:18,450 --> 00:55:21,250 to analyze what each drill hit feels like. 1456 00:55:21,250 --> 00:55:21,350 All right. This is a very, very abnormal problem... to analyze what each drill hit feels like. 1457 00:55:21,350 --> 00:55:23,650 All right. This is a very, very abnormal problem... 1458 00:55:23,650 --> 00:55:25,250 and certainly the first we've had on the show. 1459 00:55:25,250 --> 00:55:25,350 I think that immediately you should seek... and certainly the first we've had on the show. 1460 00:55:25,350 --> 00:55:26,750 I think that immediately you should seek... 1461 00:55:26,750 --> 00:55:28,050 professional help and counseling... 1462 00:55:28,050 --> 00:55:29,550 because using an electric drill on the human skull... 1463 00:55:29,550 --> 00:55:29,650 is something that, well, we really shouldn't do. because using an electric drill on the human skull... 1464 00:55:29,650 --> 00:55:31,850 is something that, well, we really shouldn't do. 1465 00:55:31,850 --> 00:55:34,450 Next call. From Torrance, California... 1466 00:55:34,450 --> 00:55:36,150 we have Lucille on the line. 1467 00:55:36,250 --> 00:55:38,150 You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1468 00:55:38,150 --> 00:55:40,950 What can I do? My husband, he's the worst slob. 1469 00:55:40,950 --> 00:55:42,350 Anything I cook, no matter what it is... 1470 00:55:42,350 --> 00:55:44,050 the first thing he says is, "Do we eat it... 1471 00:55:44,050 --> 00:55:44,150 "or did we eat it?" the first thing he says is, "Do we eat it... 1472 00:55:44,150 --> 00:55:45,350 "or did we eat it?" 1473 00:55:45,450 --> 00:55:47,850 -Then what does he do? -Then what what? 1474 00:55:47,850 --> 00:55:50,450 -What does he do? -He laughs. 1475 00:55:50,450 --> 00:55:52,950 -He laughs? -He learned it in the army. 1476 00:55:52,950 --> 00:55:54,450 "Do we eat it, or did we eat it?" 1477 00:55:54,450 --> 00:55:55,850 I'm ready to bury an ax in his head, Doctor... 1478 00:55:55,850 --> 00:55:57,650 and I'm thinking of buying a gun. 1479 00:55:57,650 --> 00:55:59,550 I have rat poison in the house already. 1480 00:55:59,650 --> 00:56:01,050 I know how you feel, Lucille. 1481 00:56:01,050 --> 00:56:01,150 I can't take it anymore. I'm not going to be happy... I know how you feel, Lucille. 1482 00:56:01,150 --> 00:56:03,050 I can't take it anymore. I'm not going to be happy... 1483 00:56:03,050 --> 00:56:03,150 until I see them taking him out in a body bag. I can't take it anymore. I'm not going to be happy... 1484 00:56:03,150 --> 00:56:04,950 until I see them taking him out in a body bag. 1485 00:56:04,950 --> 00:56:06,650 I mean, I want the guy dead. 1486 00:56:06,750 --> 00:56:08,250 In these circumstances... 1487 00:56:08,250 --> 00:56:09,550 I think you have to start by centering yourself. 1488 00:56:09,550 --> 00:56:10,950 I'm not going to center myself. 1489 00:56:11,050 --> 00:56:12,450 Why do I always have to center myself? 1490 00:56:12,450 --> 00:56:14,350 You got to calm down. You got any T.M. experience? 1491 00:56:14,350 --> 00:56:15,850 Let him center himself right in the cemetery. 1492 00:56:15,950 --> 00:56:18,750 Just start by-- close your eyes-- 1493 00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:18,950 Hey, lady, zip it up! Just start by-- close your eyes-- 1494 00:56:18,950 --> 00:56:21,350 Hey, lady, zip it up! 1495 00:56:21,350 --> 00:56:22,550 Now, look at your problem this way. 1496 00:56:22,550 --> 00:56:23,650 If you knock this guy off... 1497 00:56:23,650 --> 00:56:23,750 how long is your happiness going to last? If you knock this guy off... 1498 00:56:23,750 --> 00:56:25,250 how long is your happiness going to last? 1499 00:56:25,350 --> 00:56:27,550 I mean, is this no-good slob worth going to jail for? 1500 00:56:27,550 --> 00:56:28,950 So what should I do? 1501 00:56:28,950 --> 00:56:32,650 For openers, I'd say stop cooking for him. 1502 00:56:35,750 --> 00:56:37,350 Does it ever stop raining in London? 1503 00:56:37,450 --> 00:56:39,250 Rain! Rain! Rain! It's so depressing. 1504 00:56:39,250 --> 00:56:39,350 -What was her name? -Whose name? Rain! Rain! Rain! It's so depressing. 1505 00:56:39,350 --> 00:56:41,050 -What was her name? -Whose name? 1506 00:56:41,050 --> 00:56:42,150 Here you are, Dr. Baird. 1507 00:56:42,150 --> 00:56:43,550 The information packet for your convention... 1508 00:56:43,650 --> 00:56:46,150 all the events of the 3 days. I'll show you to your room. 1509 00:56:46,150 --> 00:56:47,750 How many times do I have to tell you... 1510 00:56:47,750 --> 00:56:49,250 she was a patient! If I told you her name... 1511 00:56:49,250 --> 00:56:51,550 I'd be breaking the psychiatric code of confidentiality. 1512 00:56:51,550 --> 00:56:53,050 Don't throw codes at me. You've committed adultery... 1513 00:56:53,150 --> 00:56:55,550 and you had sex with a patient. Now what was her goddamn name? 1514 00:56:55,550 --> 00:56:56,850 Is there no end to this madness? 1515 00:56:56,850 --> 00:56:57,950 I can't tell you! 1516 00:56:58,050 --> 00:56:59,750 I always feel more comfortable... 1517 00:56:59,750 --> 00:56:59,850 if I can actually see my luggage. I always feel more comfortable... 1518 00:56:59,850 --> 00:57:01,350 if I can actually see my luggage. 1519 00:57:01,350 --> 00:57:01,450 Don't worry, sir. Everything's taken care of. if I can actually see my luggage. 1520 00:57:01,450 --> 00:57:03,150 Don't worry, sir. Everything's taken care of. 1521 00:57:03,150 --> 00:57:04,350 I'm sure. 1522 00:57:07,750 --> 00:57:09,550 Give me her first name. 1523 00:57:10,550 --> 00:57:12,950 Then give me the first initial of her first name. 1524 00:57:12,950 --> 00:57:14,350 This is so immature. 1525 00:57:14,450 --> 00:57:15,950 Then give me one letter in her first name. 1526 00:57:15,950 --> 00:57:17,950 Aren't I entitled to that? 1527 00:57:17,950 --> 00:57:19,850 "E." Now drop it. 1528 00:57:19,850 --> 00:57:23,450 "E." "E" doesn't tell me anything. I need a consonant. 1529 00:57:26,750 --> 00:57:28,350 Have you no sense of privacy? 1530 00:57:28,350 --> 00:57:29,650 Christ! You have sex with a patient... 1531 00:57:29,650 --> 00:57:31,250 and you talk about privacy? 1532 00:57:31,250 --> 00:57:33,150 Am I supposed to tip you, or is that-- 1533 00:57:33,150 --> 00:57:33,250 That's entirely up to you, sir. Am I supposed to tip you, or is that-- 1534 00:57:33,250 --> 00:57:35,150 That's entirely up to you, sir. 1535 00:57:35,150 --> 00:57:35,250 This is worth how much in American? That's entirely up to you, sir. 1536 00:57:35,250 --> 00:57:37,250 This is worth how much in American? 1537 00:57:37,250 --> 00:57:38,850 That's about $1.50, sir. 1538 00:57:38,850 --> 00:57:41,450 I'll have to work this out. 1539 00:57:46,450 --> 00:57:49,550 -What? -I've had an affair, too. 1540 00:57:53,150 --> 00:57:54,950 That is so sad. 1541 00:57:54,950 --> 00:57:56,750 I'm a psychiatrist. I'm trained... 1542 00:57:56,850 --> 00:57:58,750 to see through these ego defenses. 1543 00:57:58,750 --> 00:57:58,850 You're hurt, and you're striking back. to see through these ego defenses. 1544 00:57:58,850 --> 00:58:00,950 You're hurt, and you're striking back. 1545 00:58:00,950 --> 00:58:01,050 It's all right. I understand. You're hurt, and you're striking back. 1546 00:58:01,050 --> 00:58:04,050 It's all right. I understand. 1547 00:58:04,050 --> 00:58:04,150 Look at me. It's all right. I understand. 1548 00:58:04,150 --> 00:58:06,450 Look at me. 1549 00:58:06,450 --> 00:58:09,550 I've had an affair for the last year and a half. 1550 00:58:15,350 --> 00:58:18,150 -Who is he? -I can't tell you. 1551 00:58:18,150 --> 00:58:21,350 -Why? -He's a friend of yours. 1552 00:58:23,350 --> 00:58:25,250 No friend of mine would ever sleep with you... 1553 00:58:25,250 --> 00:58:27,250 because, if he did, I would kill him. 1554 00:58:28,550 --> 00:58:30,850 Now tell me you're lying. 1555 00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:34,550 I'm lying. 1556 00:58:34,950 --> 00:58:36,950 Maitlin? Who's Maitlin? Forget Maitlin. Maitlin's a bum. 1557 00:58:36,950 --> 00:58:38,350 Already you're wiping him off the ratings charts. 1558 00:58:38,350 --> 00:58:38,450 -I like your loyalty. -Maitlin's history. Already you're wiping him off the ratings charts. 1559 00:58:38,450 --> 00:58:40,250 -I like your loyalty. -Maitlin's history. 1560 00:58:40,250 --> 00:58:42,050 -Histoire. You're hot, Larry. 1561 00:58:42,050 --> 00:58:44,050 So, what do you think of a self-help video series? 1562 00:58:44,050 --> 00:58:46,850 -A doctor diet book. -Please, shut your toilet. 1563 00:58:46,850 --> 00:58:50,550 Although he's got a point. A shrink's diet book. Why not? 1564 00:58:50,550 --> 00:58:53,250 I got the title: "Shrink Along With the Shrink." 1565 00:58:53,250 --> 00:58:54,650 Sensational! 1566 00:58:54,650 --> 00:58:58,350 Hardcover's very prestigious, but the real profit's in paper. 1567 00:58:58,350 --> 00:58:58,450 You might want to-- the rose on that... Hardcover's very prestigious, but the real profit's in paper. 1568 00:58:58,450 --> 00:59:00,050 You might want to-- the rose on that... 1569 00:59:00,050 --> 00:59:01,950 I don't think it's edible. 1570 00:59:01,950 --> 00:59:03,650 What did I tell you? Has he got a mind? 1571 00:59:03,650 --> 00:59:04,850 We don't want to stop there. 1572 00:59:04,950 --> 00:59:07,050 That thing you did on the buses was just the beginning. 1573 00:59:07,050 --> 00:59:08,250 Buses seat eighty-four people... 1574 00:59:08,250 --> 00:59:08,350 even if you rip out the toilets... Buses seat eighty-four people... 1575 00:59:08,350 --> 00:59:09,550 even if you rip out the toilets... 1576 00:59:09,650 --> 00:59:12,350 but ocean liners-- ocean liners hold thousands! 1577 00:59:12,350 --> 00:59:12,450 I figure you get the QE ll... but ocean liners-- ocean liners hold thousands! 1578 00:59:12,450 --> 00:59:13,950 I figure you get the QE ll... 1579 00:59:13,950 --> 00:59:15,450 you paint a happy face on the back... 1580 00:59:15,450 --> 00:59:17,750 950 a pop. What could be so terrible? 1581 00:59:17,750 --> 00:59:21,150 -I can see millions. -I'll settle for my 200,000. 1582 00:59:21,150 --> 00:59:23,050 Cookie money. Cookie money! 1583 00:59:23,050 --> 00:59:25,250 So call me Famous Amos. 1584 00:59:25,250 --> 00:59:26,850 Campari and soda. 1585 00:59:30,150 --> 00:59:31,450 Now, tomorrow night... 1586 00:59:31,450 --> 00:59:31,550 Maitlin's getting the G.L.A.N.S. award... Now, tomorrow night... 1587 00:59:31,550 --> 00:59:32,850 Maitlin's getting the G.L.A.N.S. award... 1588 00:59:32,950 --> 00:59:34,550 and I want you to accept it for him. 1589 00:59:34,550 --> 00:59:36,050 Now, don't worry. Before you step up on the dais... 1590 00:59:36,050 --> 00:59:37,450 the money's gonna be in your hand. 1591 00:59:37,550 --> 00:59:38,750 And afterwards... 1592 00:59:38,750 --> 00:59:40,450 I'm the toughest negotiator in the west. 1593 00:59:40,450 --> 00:59:43,350 Ask anybody. Nobody fucks with Harvey Michaels. 1594 00:59:43,350 --> 00:59:45,350 Excuse me, I promised the staff... 1595 00:59:45,350 --> 00:59:46,950 I'd help with the dishes and take out the garbage. 1596 00:59:47,050 --> 00:59:48,450 Then I have to make a phone call. 1597 00:59:53,950 --> 00:59:57,050 Do you know my friend had shoulder pad implants? 1598 00:59:57,050 --> 00:59:57,150 -ls that the ultimate? You're kidding? Do you know my friend had shoulder pad implants? 1599 00:59:57,150 --> 01:00:00,350 -ls that the ultimate? You're kidding? 1600 01:00:00,350 --> 01:00:02,350 Dr. Glassman did my uppers and lowers. 1601 01:00:02,350 --> 01:00:02,450 -lsn't it great? -Wonderful! Dr. Glassman did my uppers and lowers. 1602 01:00:02,450 --> 01:00:04,250 -lsn't it great? -Wonderful! 1603 01:00:04,250 --> 01:00:04,350 I spent the entire weekend... -lsn't it great? -Wonderful! 1604 01:00:04,350 --> 01:00:05,650 I spent the entire weekend... 1605 01:00:05,750 --> 01:00:07,450 being pounded on by Madame Wanda. 1606 01:00:07,450 --> 01:00:08,850 I highly recommend it. 1607 01:00:08,850 --> 01:00:11,150 I had my initials carved into my leg. 1608 01:00:11,150 --> 01:00:11,250 Who did it? I had my initials carved into my leg. 1609 01:00:11,250 --> 01:00:12,450 Who did it? 1610 01:00:12,450 --> 01:00:15,450 I did it myself. 1611 01:00:15,450 --> 01:00:17,750 -It's nice. -Fascinating. 1612 01:00:17,750 --> 01:00:17,850 Hef, nice to see you... -It's nice. -Fascinating. 1613 01:00:17,850 --> 01:00:19,150 Hef, nice to see you... 1614 01:00:19,250 --> 01:00:21,350 in somebody else's jacuzzi for a change. 1615 01:00:25,250 --> 01:00:27,250 Good. I want to sit down with you... 1616 01:00:27,250 --> 01:00:29,250 and carve out some long-range objectives. 1617 01:00:29,350 --> 01:00:33,950 I'd never let you work for me. You're a sleazoid. Ask anybody. 1618 01:00:35,350 --> 01:00:37,150 And he's got integrity. 1619 01:00:37,150 --> 01:00:38,650 Why wouldn't l just love this man? 1620 01:00:38,650 --> 01:00:40,950 You know I do. I love you. I do. I love you. 1621 01:00:42,350 --> 01:00:43,550 I love this man! 1622 01:00:43,550 --> 01:00:47,450 -He does. He does love you. -Good. 1623 01:00:47,450 --> 01:00:49,650 And I'm not embarrassed to say it. Here. 1624 01:00:49,650 --> 01:00:49,750 Keys to the Maserati. It's parked outside. And I'm not embarrassed to say it. Here. 1625 01:00:49,750 --> 01:00:51,550 Keys to the Maserati. It's parked outside. 1626 01:00:51,550 --> 01:00:53,950 It's got a cellular phone, everything. 1627 01:00:53,950 --> 01:00:55,350 These are the keys to the motor sailor. 1628 01:00:55,350 --> 01:00:56,550 Now take them, use them. They're yours. 1629 01:00:56,650 --> 01:00:57,750 You've been working too hard. 1630 01:00:57,750 --> 01:01:00,250 You know why I'm lending you the car and the yacht? 1631 01:01:00,250 --> 01:01:02,250 Because I believe in you. I believe in you. 1632 01:01:02,250 --> 01:01:03,950 I believe that you do! 1633 01:01:04,050 --> 01:01:06,550 Great! Have a contract drawn up. 1634 01:01:06,550 --> 01:01:06,650 -Contract? -Now, don't worry. Great! Have a contract drawn up. 1635 01:01:06,650 --> 01:01:08,050 -Contract? -Now, don't worry. 1636 01:01:08,050 --> 01:01:09,250 It's only for seven years. 1637 01:01:09,250 --> 01:01:10,750 And remember, a contract's like a marriage. 1638 01:01:10,750 --> 01:01:12,350 You're unhappy, it's not working out... 1639 01:01:12,350 --> 01:01:13,750 What do we do? 1640 01:01:15,550 --> 01:01:17,950 You know what they say, boys. 1641 01:01:17,950 --> 01:01:20,750 It's unlucky to look upon the bride before the wedding... 1642 01:01:20,750 --> 01:01:23,650 so I'll catch you guys at the altar. 1643 01:01:23,650 --> 01:01:23,750 At the altar. so I'll catch you guys at the altar. 1644 01:01:23,750 --> 01:01:25,750 At the altar. 1645 01:01:25,750 --> 01:01:26,950 How about it, girls? 1646 01:01:26,950 --> 01:01:29,550 Want a demonstration of Archimedes' principle? 1647 01:01:29,550 --> 01:01:31,250 What did he say? 1648 01:01:36,250 --> 01:01:38,650 You know, I had fun tonight. 1649 01:01:39,850 --> 01:01:41,850 I finally found a place I fit in... 1650 01:01:41,950 --> 01:01:44,350 as well as I do the nut house-- 1651 01:01:44,350 --> 01:01:46,050 Beverly Hills. 1652 01:02:06,250 --> 01:02:07,450 What's wrong? 1653 01:02:07,550 --> 01:02:10,150 I have this rumbling in my gut... 1654 01:02:10,150 --> 01:02:12,050 and these terrible chest pains. 1655 01:02:12,050 --> 01:02:14,350 You ate too much. 1656 01:02:14,350 --> 01:02:16,650 It's not gas. It's trust. 1657 01:02:16,650 --> 01:02:18,550 I'm not used to trusting anyone. 1658 01:02:18,550 --> 01:02:18,650 It doesn't feel right. I'm not used to trusting anyone. 1659 01:02:18,650 --> 01:02:20,650 It doesn't feel right. 1660 01:02:23,050 --> 01:02:24,750 I had one of the hottest... 1661 01:02:24,750 --> 01:02:27,550 Church of the Gethsemane franchises in Texas. 1662 01:02:27,550 --> 01:02:30,650 It netted about 1,100 a month in donations... 1663 01:02:30,650 --> 01:02:30,750 pamphlets, baptisms... It netted about 1,100 a month in donations... 1664 01:02:30,750 --> 01:02:33,050 pamphlets, baptisms... 1665 01:02:34,650 --> 01:02:37,650 and then she walked in. 1666 01:02:37,650 --> 01:02:39,550 You're sitting on my covers. 1667 01:02:39,550 --> 01:02:45,650 Long red hair, short red dress, Nadine. 1668 01:02:45,650 --> 01:02:45,950 She said she played the organ, and she sure played mine. Long red hair, short red dress, Nadine. 1669 01:02:45,950 --> 01:02:49,950 She said she played the organ, and she sure played mine. 1670 01:02:49,950 --> 01:02:51,950 I trusted her, did everything she told me... 1671 01:02:51,950 --> 01:02:53,350 including burning down my church... 1672 01:02:53,350 --> 01:02:53,450 and running off with her and the insurance money. including burning down my church... 1673 01:02:53,450 --> 01:02:56,350 and running off with her and the insurance money. 1674 01:02:56,350 --> 01:02:56,450 Then I woke up alone on a vibrating bed. and running off with her and the insurance money. 1675 01:02:56,450 --> 01:03:00,650 Then I woke up alone on a vibrating bed. 1676 01:03:00,650 --> 01:03:00,850 Nadine was gone for good. Then I woke up alone on a vibrating bed. 1677 01:03:00,850 --> 01:03:03,550 Nadine was gone for good. 1678 01:03:03,550 --> 01:03:03,650 But she did leave me a couple of quarters... Nadine was gone for good. 1679 01:03:03,650 --> 01:03:05,850 But she did leave me a couple of quarters... 1680 01:03:05,850 --> 01:03:07,050 to keep the bed going. 1681 01:03:07,050 --> 01:03:09,350 That's what I got for trusting her... 1682 01:03:09,350 --> 01:03:11,750 over my own selfish instincts. 1683 01:03:11,750 --> 01:03:13,250 Always a mistake. 1684 01:03:14,250 --> 01:03:17,250 You see, that's what I like about you. 1685 01:03:17,250 --> 01:03:18,850 You talk straight. 1686 01:03:20,550 --> 01:03:23,250 It's hard not to trust you. 1687 01:03:23,250 --> 01:03:23,350 You'll learn. It's hard not to trust you. 1688 01:03:23,350 --> 01:03:24,750 You'll learn. 1689 01:03:30,850 --> 01:03:32,750 And what do we do when your refrigerator repairman... 1690 01:03:32,750 --> 01:03:35,150 suddenly cancels an appointment? 1691 01:03:35,150 --> 01:03:36,750 And when your daughter borrows your new clothes? 1692 01:03:38,450 --> 01:03:40,550 And when your doctor refuses to validate for parking? 1693 01:03:42,550 --> 01:03:44,650 The snarl is good, a little bit more protestation... 1694 01:03:44,650 --> 01:03:46,550 and we'll tack a woof on there, so what you'd have would be... 1695 01:03:51,150 --> 01:03:53,250 -Work on it. -Thank you, Doctor. 1696 01:03:54,550 --> 01:03:57,250 And I'll be looking forward to our next session. 1697 01:03:57,250 --> 01:03:58,450 I will, too. 1698 01:04:09,450 --> 01:04:11,250 Neo-Pavlovian rackoff technique... 1699 01:04:11,250 --> 01:04:12,950 for immediate stress relief. 1700 01:04:21,650 --> 01:04:24,550 I'm Dr. George Maitlin from Los Angeles. 1701 01:04:24,550 --> 01:04:26,350 Are you registered? 1702 01:04:26,350 --> 01:04:30,450 I saw your sign. I thought I'd drop by. 1703 01:04:30,450 --> 01:04:33,150 I'll gladly pay whatever fee is... 1704 01:04:33,150 --> 01:04:33,250 The Paleo-Jungian luncheon is £10. I'll gladly pay whatever fee is... 1705 01:04:33,250 --> 01:04:35,950 The Paleo-Jungian luncheon is £10. 1706 01:04:35,950 --> 01:04:38,450 The entire conference carries a fee of £500... 1707 01:04:38,450 --> 01:04:40,250 which includes the various lectures... 1708 01:04:40,250 --> 01:04:42,250 and the concept exchange period. 1709 01:04:44,650 --> 01:04:46,050 I'll take lunch. 1710 01:04:46,050 --> 01:04:46,150 Excuse me. Is this seat taken? I'll take lunch. 1711 01:04:46,150 --> 01:04:47,550 Excuse me. Is this seat taken? 1712 01:04:53,350 --> 01:04:56,650 So, we're two Yanks abroad. 1713 01:04:58,950 --> 01:05:00,950 I saw you and your wife... 1714 01:05:00,950 --> 01:05:01,050 playing a word game in the elevator. I saw you and your wife... 1715 01:05:01,050 --> 01:05:03,550 playing a word game in the elevator. 1716 01:05:06,850 --> 01:05:08,850 Where's your practice? 1717 01:05:12,450 --> 01:05:14,150 L.A. 1718 01:05:20,150 --> 01:05:22,150 Mine's in Chicago. 1719 01:05:31,450 --> 01:05:33,850 You're here just for the conference? 1720 01:05:33,850 --> 01:05:35,550 I'm here on sabbatical. 1721 01:05:35,550 --> 01:05:39,850 I'm...doing research on a...new book. 1722 01:05:47,450 --> 01:05:48,550 I'm just here... 1723 01:05:48,550 --> 01:05:50,750 to get out of the grind of Chicago for a while. 1724 01:05:50,750 --> 01:05:52,650 Are you familiar with Chicago? 1725 01:05:55,150 --> 01:05:57,250 I'm telling you, Cicero County Hospital... 1726 01:05:57,250 --> 01:06:00,050 has got to be the most depressing hospital... 1727 01:06:00,050 --> 01:06:00,250 in the history of medicine. has got to be the most depressing hospital... 1728 01:06:00,250 --> 01:06:01,350 in the history of medicine. 1729 01:06:01,450 --> 01:06:03,050 Did you say "Cicero County Hospital"? 1730 01:06:04,350 --> 01:06:06,150 Are you familiar with Dr. Baird? 1731 01:06:06,150 --> 01:06:09,150 That's me. Lawrence Baird. Glad to meet you. 1732 01:06:09,150 --> 01:06:12,850 -What do you mean, "That's me"? -Dr. Baird. Cicero County. 1733 01:06:12,850 --> 01:06:13,050 You're not Dr. Baird. -What do you mean, "That's me"? -Dr. Baird. Cicero County. 1734 01:06:13,050 --> 01:06:14,150 You're not Dr. Baird. 1735 01:06:14,150 --> 01:06:14,250 Dr. Baird's in my office in L.A. You're not Dr. Baird. 1736 01:06:14,250 --> 01:06:16,150 Dr. Baird's in my office in L.A. 1737 01:06:16,250 --> 01:06:19,150 Excuse me. I think I ought to know who I am... 1738 01:06:19,150 --> 01:06:19,250 better than you do. I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. Excuse me. I think I ought to know who I am... 1739 01:06:19,250 --> 01:06:21,650 better than you do. I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1740 01:06:21,650 --> 01:06:22,850 What are you doing here? 1741 01:06:22,950 --> 01:06:24,950 Just what you're doing. Eating lunch. 1742 01:06:24,950 --> 01:06:28,850 Well, what about my $200,000? 1743 01:06:30,650 --> 01:06:32,750 Here's your parking pass for the big dinner tonight... 1744 01:06:32,750 --> 01:06:34,450 and your tux has been delivered to the hotel. 1745 01:06:34,550 --> 01:06:36,150 Watch the phones for me? 1746 01:06:37,450 --> 01:06:39,450 Can I interest you in some lunch? 1747 01:06:39,550 --> 01:06:42,250 I can't have lunch. But you can take me to dinner. 1748 01:06:42,250 --> 01:06:42,350 I'd love to, but I've got this thing tonight. I can't have lunch. But you can take me to dinner. 1749 01:06:42,350 --> 01:06:48,650 I'd love to, but I've got this thing tonight. 1750 01:06:48,650 --> 01:06:48,750 Me, too. Why don't you pick me up at 6:00? I'd love to, but I've got this thing tonight. 1751 01:06:48,750 --> 01:06:51,650 Me, too. Why don't you pick me up at 6:00? 1752 01:06:51,650 --> 01:06:51,750 Sure. I can pick you up, but then, like, after... Me, too. Why don't you pick me up at 6:00? 1753 01:06:51,750 --> 01:06:54,350 Sure. I can pick you up, but then, like, after... 1754 01:06:54,350 --> 01:06:56,050 I don't think I'm going straight home... 1755 01:06:56,150 --> 01:06:58,450 after the evening's over, so... 1756 01:06:58,450 --> 01:07:01,150 Well, maybe I can talk you into it. 1757 01:07:02,450 --> 01:07:05,450 1425 North Orange Grove Avenue. 6:00? 1758 01:07:05,450 --> 01:07:05,650 I'll see you there. 1425 North Orange Grove Avenue. 6:00? 1759 01:07:05,650 --> 01:07:07,150 I'll see you there. 1760 01:07:19,950 --> 01:07:21,650 -ls this a joke? -Just wait. 1761 01:07:21,750 --> 01:07:23,750 They're ringing my office in Beverly Hills. 1762 01:07:23,750 --> 01:07:27,150 If Dr. Lawrence Baird answers, you've got a problem. 1763 01:07:29,350 --> 01:07:30,750 I'm so glad you're here. 1764 01:07:30,750 --> 01:07:34,150 Listen, I'm tired of this charade. 1765 01:07:34,150 --> 01:07:34,250 Yes? Hello? Dr. Baird's office? Listen, I'm tired of this charade. 1766 01:07:34,250 --> 01:07:36,750 Yes? Hello? Dr. Baird's office? 1767 01:07:36,750 --> 01:07:38,350 I have to tell you who it is. 1768 01:07:38,350 --> 01:07:38,450 Is Dr. Baird in? I have to tell you who it is. 1769 01:07:38,450 --> 01:07:39,550 Is Dr. Baird in? 1770 01:07:39,550 --> 01:07:41,050 I'm going to kill Michaels! 1771 01:07:41,050 --> 01:07:43,150 When did you find out? 1772 01:07:43,150 --> 01:07:43,250 -Just now! -Who told you? When did you find out? 1773 01:07:43,250 --> 01:07:45,150 -Just now! -Who told you? 1774 01:07:45,250 --> 01:07:47,450 Who cares? Some doctor from Chicago. 1775 01:07:47,450 --> 01:07:48,550 He's telling everybody! 1776 01:07:48,550 --> 01:07:50,250 I thought I was the only one who knew! 1777 01:07:50,250 --> 01:07:51,650 You knew? How? 1778 01:07:51,750 --> 01:07:56,150 -I mean, I was there. -Where? 1779 01:07:57,050 --> 01:07:59,650 Do I have to give you all the sordid details? 1780 01:07:59,650 --> 01:08:01,950 You can tell Dr. Lawrence Baird... 1781 01:08:01,950 --> 01:08:03,750 that Dr. Lawrence Baird called! 1782 01:08:03,750 --> 01:08:04,950 I deserve it. 1783 01:08:04,950 --> 01:08:05,050 Mostly in hotel rooms, twice at his house... I deserve it. 1784 01:08:05,050 --> 01:08:07,550 Mostly in hotel rooms, twice at his house... 1785 01:08:07,550 --> 01:08:07,650 and once--I can't believe I'm telling you this-- Mostly in hotel rooms, twice at his house... 1786 01:08:07,650 --> 01:08:09,950 and once--I can't believe I'm telling you this-- 1787 01:08:09,950 --> 01:08:11,450 on his desk. 1788 01:08:11,450 --> 01:08:13,950 What, for Christ's sakes, are you talking about? 1789 01:08:13,950 --> 01:08:16,450 Michaels. He's the one I've been having the affair with. 1790 01:08:22,650 --> 01:08:25,750 You've been having an affair with Harvey Michaels? 1791 01:08:26,850 --> 01:08:30,050 Isn't that what you were talking about? 1792 01:08:33,950 --> 01:08:36,950 They say I'm doing my radio show. 1793 01:08:45,650 --> 01:08:50,050 Thanks for watching the phones. Any calls? 1794 01:09:06,050 --> 01:09:07,450 This what you looking for, Doc? 1795 01:09:07,450 --> 01:09:08,950 Your one-way ticket to Mexico City? 1796 01:09:09,050 --> 01:09:10,150 That was just-- 1797 01:09:10,150 --> 01:09:12,050 What happened to partners in crime? 1798 01:09:12,050 --> 01:09:13,750 Honor among thieves? 1799 01:09:13,850 --> 01:09:16,050 You don't want to skip south of the border with me? 1800 01:09:16,050 --> 01:09:17,750 Maybe I don't want to team up... 1801 01:09:17,750 --> 01:09:20,150 with an asshole with one bad hand. 1802 01:09:50,050 --> 01:09:53,650 -Do you want me to pay? -Pay him! Pay him! 1803 01:09:53,650 --> 01:09:56,150 -We can settle it. -Give him the money! 1804 01:09:56,150 --> 01:09:57,850 Come on, come on, we're gonna miss the plane! 1805 01:10:47,950 --> 01:10:51,050 You're not dressed yet? We're going to be late. 1806 01:10:51,050 --> 01:10:51,150 They'll wait for you, Doctor. You're not dressed yet? We're going to be late. 1807 01:10:51,150 --> 01:10:52,650 They'll wait for you, Doctor. 1808 01:10:52,650 --> 01:10:56,250 I guess so. I'm the prime attraction. 1809 01:10:58,150 --> 01:11:01,450 Have you seen Becker? He disappeared on me. 1810 01:11:01,450 --> 01:11:01,550 Win a few, lose a few, Doctor. Have you seen Becker? He disappeared on me. 1811 01:11:01,550 --> 01:11:05,050 Win a few, lose a few, Doctor. 1812 01:11:05,050 --> 01:11:05,150 What is it now with this "Doctor"? Win a few, lose a few, Doctor. 1813 01:11:05,150 --> 01:11:08,250 What is it now with this "Doctor"? 1814 01:11:08,250 --> 01:11:10,750 You are a real doctor, aren't you? 1815 01:11:10,750 --> 01:11:12,250 Dr. Lawrence Baird? 1816 01:11:15,250 --> 01:11:16,550 Who told you? 1817 01:11:17,950 --> 01:11:20,550 The real Dr. Baird. He called. 1818 01:11:20,550 --> 01:11:22,850 Don't worry. 1819 01:11:22,850 --> 01:11:26,350 I didn't give you away. I covered your ass. 1820 01:11:27,550 --> 01:11:29,050 Why? 1821 01:11:29,050 --> 01:11:32,750 Because I once thought it was cute. 1822 01:11:34,750 --> 01:11:36,650 The customs people treated you with such respect... 1823 01:11:36,650 --> 01:11:36,750 and they went through my bag... The customs people treated you with such respect... 1824 01:11:36,750 --> 01:11:38,150 and they went through my bag... 1825 01:11:38,150 --> 01:11:41,250 Iike I was some kind of a drug dealer, you know? 1826 01:11:41,250 --> 01:11:44,250 First stop, Beverly Hills. 465 North Bedford Drive... 1827 01:11:44,250 --> 01:11:46,550 then the Riviera Country Club. 1828 01:11:53,450 --> 01:11:55,250 Nice rental. Where's Harvey... 1829 01:11:55,250 --> 01:11:57,250 and my box of green dead presidents? 1830 01:11:57,250 --> 01:11:59,250 They're waiting to be exhumed in the game room. 1831 01:11:59,250 --> 01:12:00,450 Is he here? 1832 01:12:00,450 --> 01:12:02,350 I thought he was at some kind of banquet. 1833 01:12:02,350 --> 01:12:05,050 Would you stop following me? I told you to stay in the cab. 1834 01:12:05,050 --> 01:12:07,450 Driving me crazy. Would you calm down... 1835 01:12:07,450 --> 01:12:07,550 and act like the doctor you claim to be? Driving me crazy. Would you calm down... 1836 01:12:07,550 --> 01:12:09,150 and act like the doctor you claim to be? 1837 01:12:09,150 --> 01:12:10,650 At least the police could identify him-- 1838 01:12:10,650 --> 01:12:12,550 I've been telling you for fourteen hours... 1839 01:12:12,550 --> 01:12:12,650 shut the fuck up about the cops! I've been telling you for fourteen hours... 1840 01:12:12,650 --> 01:12:14,350 shut the fuck up about the cops! 1841 01:12:14,450 --> 01:12:15,950 I'm the one who's been violated! 1842 01:12:15,950 --> 01:12:17,450 What about my reputation? 1843 01:12:17,450 --> 01:12:19,650 Your reputation isn't worth ten cents. 1844 01:12:19,650 --> 01:12:21,850 My reputation's a million-dollar industry! 1845 01:12:21,850 --> 01:12:24,150 It'll go right down the toilet if the public finds out... 1846 01:12:24,150 --> 01:12:26,750 some fraud's been doing my radio show. 1847 01:12:26,750 --> 01:12:26,850 We got to keep things quiet... some fraud's been doing my radio show. 1848 01:12:26,850 --> 01:12:28,950 We got to keep things quiet... 1849 01:12:28,950 --> 01:12:31,250 and I've got to get my $200,000 back. 1850 01:12:31,250 --> 01:12:31,350 I'm calling the cops! 911--it's the same everywhere. and I've got to get my $200,000 back. 1851 01:12:31,350 --> 01:12:34,650 I'm calling the cops! 911--it's the same everywhere. 1852 01:12:37,650 --> 01:12:40,350 Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't traveled five thousand miles... 1853 01:12:40,350 --> 01:12:40,450 to have you fuck up my revenge. Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't traveled five thousand miles... 1854 01:12:40,450 --> 01:12:42,650 to have you fuck up my revenge. 1855 01:12:57,550 --> 01:13:00,650 Grab your balls for the last time. 1856 01:13:04,150 --> 01:13:05,350 Help! 1857 01:13:11,050 --> 01:13:13,250 I'm in Dr. Maitlin's office! 1858 01:13:13,350 --> 01:13:16,450 Here's your money and here's your contract. 1859 01:13:17,850 --> 01:13:20,550 Just think of it as your blood test. 1860 01:13:20,550 --> 01:13:20,650 I never get married on an empty stomach. Just think of it as your blood test. 1861 01:13:20,650 --> 01:13:22,250 I never get married on an empty stomach. 1862 01:13:22,350 --> 01:13:25,150 Let me bark down some steamed puffed chicken rolls... 1863 01:13:25,150 --> 01:13:26,750 some boiled peas, I'll speed-read this... 1864 01:13:26,750 --> 01:13:28,350 and get back to you with some addendums. 1865 01:13:28,350 --> 01:13:30,050 Fair enough. By the way, I want you to know... 1866 01:13:30,050 --> 01:13:32,050 I didn't even take out the money I advanced you. 1867 01:13:32,050 --> 01:13:35,150 -Now, you know why? -Because it's not your money. 1868 01:13:36,250 --> 01:13:40,650 This is a serious breach of professional ethics! 1869 01:13:42,750 --> 01:13:47,150 Are you there? Are you there, you rat? 1870 01:13:47,150 --> 01:13:47,250 Help! Anybody, help! Are you there? Are you there, you rat? 1871 01:13:47,250 --> 01:13:52,450 Help! Anybody, help! 1872 01:13:52,450 --> 01:13:52,550 Please help me! Help! Anybody, help! 1873 01:13:52,550 --> 01:13:54,550 Please help me! 1874 01:13:57,050 --> 01:13:58,550 It's about time. 1875 01:13:58,550 --> 01:13:58,650 Who are you, and what are you doing in Dr. Baird's closet? It's about time. 1876 01:13:58,650 --> 01:14:00,750 Who are you, and what are you doing in Dr. Baird's closet? 1877 01:14:00,750 --> 01:14:00,850 -I'm Dr. Baird. -Sure, you are. Who are you, and what are you doing in Dr. Baird's closet? 1878 01:14:00,850 --> 01:14:02,650 -I'm Dr. Baird. -Sure, you are. 1879 01:14:02,650 --> 01:14:04,650 That's how come you're locked in his closet. 1880 01:14:04,750 --> 01:14:07,450 -I'm calling the cops. -Good. 1881 01:14:07,450 --> 01:14:07,550 ...true paranoid is the one in possession of all the facts. -I'm calling the cops. -Good. 1882 01:14:07,550 --> 01:14:11,850 ...true paranoid is the one in possession of all the facts. 1883 01:14:12,950 --> 01:14:15,550 But the real reason we're here tonight... 1884 01:14:15,550 --> 01:14:17,550 is to honor our Dr. George Maitlin... 1885 01:14:17,550 --> 01:14:19,050 and to accept the award... 1886 01:14:19,050 --> 01:14:21,450 a man who's only been with us for four days... 1887 01:14:21,450 --> 01:14:24,050 How long do these people take? 1888 01:14:24,050 --> 01:14:26,450 How long it takes is how long it takes. 1889 01:14:26,450 --> 01:14:30,750 Oh. How long it takes is how long it takes. 1890 01:14:30,750 --> 01:14:30,850 That's not fast enough! Oh. How long it takes is how long it takes. 1891 01:14:30,850 --> 01:14:32,450 That's not fast enough! 1892 01:14:33,350 --> 01:14:35,050 Freeze, scumbag. 1893 01:14:37,250 --> 01:14:40,150 Get in the closet. Come on, get in there! 1894 01:14:40,150 --> 01:14:40,250 OK, but you're gonna have to answer to Dr. Baird about this. Get in the closet. Come on, get in there! 1895 01:14:40,250 --> 01:14:44,250 OK, but you're gonna have to answer to Dr. Baird about this. 1896 01:14:44,250 --> 01:14:44,350 -I am Dr. Baird! -Sure, you are. OK, but you're gonna have to answer to Dr. Baird about this. 1897 01:14:44,350 --> 01:14:48,450 -I am Dr. Baird! -Sure, you are. 1898 01:14:48,450 --> 01:14:48,650 I wasn't born yesterday. -I am Dr. Baird! -Sure, you are. 1899 01:14:48,650 --> 01:14:50,950 I wasn't born yesterday. 1900 01:14:50,950 --> 01:14:52,850 I'm a trained professional, fella! 1901 01:14:53,850 --> 01:14:56,450 Thank you. Thank you. 1902 01:14:57,850 --> 01:15:02,350 Thank you, Harvey. Thank you. Thanks very much. 1903 01:15:04,850 --> 01:15:07,950 Not here. Go around back. 1904 01:15:07,950 --> 01:15:08,050 ...to try to fill the shoes of a man... Not here. Go around back. 1905 01:15:08,050 --> 01:15:10,950 ...to try to fill the shoes of a man... 1906 01:15:10,950 --> 01:15:11,050 who has made therapy a household name. ...to try to fill the shoes of a man... 1907 01:15:11,050 --> 01:15:14,350 who has made therapy a household name. 1908 01:15:19,150 --> 01:15:22,750 Some may say, "Why does therapy have to take such a long time?" 1909 01:15:22,750 --> 01:15:22,850 To them I say, there's nothing... Some may say, "Why does therapy have to take such a long time?" 1910 01:15:22,850 --> 01:15:24,650 To them I say, there's nothing... 1911 01:15:24,650 --> 01:15:27,250 that can be done in a short time... 1912 01:15:27,250 --> 01:15:31,950 that can't be done just as well in a long time. 1913 01:15:35,850 --> 01:15:39,350 Thank you and--wait a minute. 1914 01:15:39,350 --> 01:15:39,450 Oh, boy. You're not gonna believe this. Thank you and--wait a minute. 1915 01:15:39,450 --> 01:15:41,150 Oh, boy. You're not gonna believe this. 1916 01:15:41,150 --> 01:15:42,650 I left that wallet... 1917 01:15:42,750 --> 01:15:44,650 in the other taxi, the one we took from the air-- 1918 01:15:46,450 --> 01:15:49,550 If Dr. George Maitlin could have been here tonight... 1919 01:15:49,550 --> 01:15:53,150 he would be most, most honored with this award... 1920 01:15:53,150 --> 01:15:53,250 and he would thank you for this honor, but... he would be most, most honored with this award... 1921 01:15:53,250 --> 01:15:56,750 and he would thank you for this honor, but... 1922 01:16:00,850 --> 01:16:02,550 You're supposed to be in London. 1923 01:16:02,550 --> 01:16:04,450 We were gonna tour the countryside... 1924 01:16:04,450 --> 01:16:04,550 but Vera decided she wanted to come back... We were gonna tour the countryside... 1925 01:16:04,550 --> 01:16:06,250 but Vera decided she wanted to come back... 1926 01:16:06,350 --> 01:16:08,350 to fuck you again. 1927 01:16:08,350 --> 01:16:08,450 You know, you're not feeling well, and-- to fuck you again. 1928 01:16:08,450 --> 01:16:10,850 You know, you're not feeling well, and-- 1929 01:16:10,850 --> 01:16:12,450 Let's not talk about that right now. 1930 01:16:12,450 --> 01:16:14,150 -Let's talk about money. -Money? 1931 01:16:14,150 --> 01:16:17,150 You gave my money to the wrong man! 1932 01:16:17,150 --> 01:16:19,350 He's the perfect choice. The ratings have soared. 1933 01:16:19,350 --> 01:16:19,450 You shithead! That's not Baird! He's the perfect choice. The ratings have soared. 1934 01:16:19,450 --> 01:16:21,050 You shithead! That's not Baird! 1935 01:16:21,050 --> 01:16:21,150 If you go out there in this condition... You shithead! That's not Baird! 1936 01:16:21,150 --> 01:16:22,850 If you go out there in this condition... 1937 01:16:22,850 --> 01:16:26,250 everyone will know the kind of man you really are. 1938 01:16:26,250 --> 01:16:26,350 You're right. We don't want that. everyone will know the kind of man you really are. 1939 01:16:26,350 --> 01:16:29,650 You're right. We don't want that. 1940 01:16:29,650 --> 01:16:29,750 Now, some of you may say that this is a materialistic... You're right. We don't want that. 1941 01:16:29,750 --> 01:16:34,950 Now, some of you may say that this is a materialistic... 1942 01:16:34,950 --> 01:16:35,150 Good evening, I'm here to-- Now, some of you may say that this is a materialistic... 1943 01:16:35,150 --> 01:16:37,750 Good evening, I'm here to-- 1944 01:16:37,750 --> 01:16:37,950 I'm sorry. This is by invitation only. Good evening, I'm here to-- 1945 01:16:37,950 --> 01:16:40,250 I'm sorry. This is by invitation only. 1946 01:16:40,250 --> 01:16:42,950 I'm Dr. Baird. 1947 01:16:42,950 --> 01:16:44,150 Excuse me? 1948 01:16:44,250 --> 01:16:48,050 Madame, I am Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1949 01:16:48,050 --> 01:16:48,150 I don't think so. Madame, I am Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1950 01:16:48,150 --> 01:16:49,950 I don't think so. 1951 01:16:49,950 --> 01:16:52,350 I assure you, I am Dr. Baird. 1952 01:16:52,350 --> 01:16:52,450 I'm a legitimate psychiatrist... I assure you, I am Dr. Baird. 1953 01:16:52,450 --> 01:16:54,050 I'm a legitimate psychiatrist... 1954 01:16:54,050 --> 01:16:57,450 and this is a legitimate psychiatrist's dinner! 1955 01:16:57,450 --> 01:16:58,850 Let's just calm down. 1956 01:16:58,850 --> 01:17:01,050 I'm perfectly calm, I assure you. 1957 01:17:01,050 --> 01:17:04,250 Be a psychiatrist. 1958 01:17:04,250 --> 01:17:06,850 You won't have to wash your hands as much! 1959 01:17:07,950 --> 01:17:09,750 No trouble. No trouble whatsoever. 1960 01:17:09,750 --> 01:17:11,850 I'm perfectly calm. Don't touch me. 1961 01:17:11,850 --> 01:17:13,450 Get your hands off me! 1962 01:17:13,450 --> 01:17:13,550 My goodness, what do we have here? Get your hands off me! 1963 01:17:13,550 --> 01:17:15,950 My goodness, what do we have here? 1964 01:17:17,450 --> 01:17:19,550 -Where's my money? -Don't worry about the money. 1965 01:17:19,550 --> 01:17:20,650 As soon as the dinner's over... 1966 01:17:20,750 --> 01:17:22,150 we'll get Baird, or whatever his name is... 1967 01:17:22,150 --> 01:17:23,750 we'll take him outside, we'll grab the briefcase... 1968 01:17:23,750 --> 01:17:25,150 -with the cash. -Cash?! 1969 01:17:25,150 --> 01:17:25,250 You paid him cash? -with the cash. -Cash?! 1970 01:17:25,250 --> 01:17:26,450 You paid him cash? 1971 01:17:26,450 --> 01:17:28,150 You told me never to pay anybody in cash! 1972 01:17:28,250 --> 01:17:29,850 It's the only way he would take the job... 1973 01:17:29,850 --> 01:17:31,250 and so far, he's worth every penny. 1974 01:17:31,250 --> 01:17:36,250 I'll kill him! And when I get finished... 1975 01:17:36,250 --> 01:17:36,350 if there are any bullets left... I'll kill him! And when I get finished... 1976 01:17:36,350 --> 01:17:38,150 if there are any bullets left... 1977 01:17:39,250 --> 01:17:41,750 On your desk. 1978 01:17:41,750 --> 01:17:41,850 Thank you. You have been a beautiful audience. On your desk. 1979 01:17:41,850 --> 01:17:44,450 Thank you. You have been a beautiful audience. 1980 01:17:44,450 --> 01:17:47,150 Quick! He's getting away! 1981 01:17:48,350 --> 01:17:50,350 -Hurry! -Crowd, clear, please! 1982 01:17:50,350 --> 01:17:51,650 Crowd, clear, please! 1983 01:17:51,750 --> 01:17:54,550 Watch your stuffed chicken rolls, folks. Parking! 1984 01:17:54,550 --> 01:17:54,650 ...be arresting the fake! I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me! Watch your stuffed chicken rolls, folks. Parking! 1985 01:17:54,650 --> 01:17:58,650 ...be arresting the fake! I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me! 1986 01:17:58,650 --> 01:18:03,550 I am Dr. Baird! I am-- 1987 01:18:07,550 --> 01:18:10,250 Be on back to my office on Monday. See you later! 1988 01:18:20,450 --> 01:18:21,550 When do we board? 1989 01:18:21,650 --> 01:18:23,050 -Fifteen minutes. -Thanks. 1990 01:18:23,050 --> 01:18:24,150 ...that has developed here. 1991 01:18:24,250 --> 01:18:26,150 Because of the difficulty of the access... 1992 01:18:26,150 --> 01:18:27,650 to the Hollywood sign, it's going to take... 1993 01:18:27,650 --> 01:18:27,750 a coordination of Herculean effort... to the Hollywood sign, it's going to take... 1994 01:18:27,750 --> 01:18:29,250 a coordination of Herculean effort... 1995 01:18:29,350 --> 01:18:30,850 on the part of all three of these departments... 1996 01:18:30,850 --> 01:18:30,950 to deal with the problem. As you can see... on the part of all three of these departments... 1997 01:18:30,950 --> 01:18:32,350 to deal with the problem. As you can see... 1998 01:18:32,350 --> 01:18:32,450 an unidentified man has climbed to the top of the "Y". to deal with the problem. As you can see... 1999 01:18:32,450 --> 01:18:34,550 an unidentified man has climbed to the top of the "Y". 2000 01:18:34,550 --> 01:18:36,150 Continental announces... 2001 01:18:36,250 --> 01:18:38,750 the boarding of flight 45 to Mexico City. 2002 01:18:38,750 --> 01:18:40,650 You just don't have your thinking cap on. 2003 01:18:40,650 --> 01:18:42,450 We don't want to go public with this. 2004 01:18:42,450 --> 01:18:42,550 The pens from my office! My jellybeans! We don't want to go public with this. 2005 01:18:42,550 --> 01:18:45,850 The pens from my office! My jellybeans! 2006 01:18:45,850 --> 01:18:47,050 Your eye's not on the sparrow. 2007 01:18:47,050 --> 01:18:47,150 -I want my $200,000! -It's deductible. Your eye's not on the sparrow. 2008 01:18:47,150 --> 01:18:49,650 -I want my $200,000! -It's deductible. 2009 01:18:49,650 --> 01:18:49,750 It's a legitimate business expense. -I want my $200,000! -It's deductible. 2010 01:18:49,750 --> 01:18:51,550 It's a legitimate business expense. 2011 01:18:51,550 --> 01:18:51,650 We're talking, what, 72.5% of that. It's a legitimate business expense. 2012 01:18:51,650 --> 01:18:53,750 We're talking, what, 72.5% of that. 2013 01:18:53,750 --> 01:18:53,850 Then I want my $145,000! My antique lighter! We're talking, what, 72.5% of that. 2014 01:18:53,850 --> 01:18:57,050 Then I want my $145,000! My antique lighter! 2015 01:18:57,050 --> 01:18:58,650 And you say he's not a crook! 2016 01:18:58,650 --> 01:19:00,350 You made a commitment. 2017 01:19:00,350 --> 01:19:00,450 And remember, in this town, your word's your bond. You made a commitment. 2018 01:19:00,450 --> 01:19:02,550 And remember, in this town, your word's your bond. 2019 01:19:02,550 --> 01:19:02,650 Let's not forget Balzac when he said... And remember, in this town, your word's your bond. 2020 01:19:02,650 --> 01:19:04,350 Let's not forget Balzac when he said... 2021 01:19:04,450 --> 01:19:06,450 "A man's reputation is like a famous painting. 2022 01:19:06,450 --> 01:19:07,950 "Once its authenticity's questioned, it's never--" 2023 01:19:07,950 --> 01:19:10,650 -Shut up! -Right. 2024 01:19:10,650 --> 01:19:12,650 We'll have to get back to you on that... 2025 01:19:12,650 --> 01:19:14,050 if you promise to come back to us... 2026 01:19:14,050 --> 01:19:15,850 as soon as we get the picture and the sound. 2027 01:19:15,850 --> 01:19:17,650 As you can see from our helicopter up in the sky... 2028 01:19:17,650 --> 01:19:17,750 we're getting a very clear picture now. As you can see from our helicopter up in the sky... 2029 01:19:17,750 --> 01:19:18,950 we're getting a very clear picture now. 2030 01:19:18,950 --> 01:19:20,850 The man seems to be dressed all in black... 2031 01:19:20,950 --> 01:19:24,250 in some sort of ministerial suit of clothing. 2032 01:19:24,250 --> 01:19:24,350 Late word has come in. in some sort of ministerial suit of clothing. 2033 01:19:24,350 --> 01:19:26,250 Late word has come in. 2034 01:19:26,250 --> 01:19:26,350 The man's name is Donald Becker. One Donald Becker. Late word has come in. 2035 01:19:26,350 --> 01:19:28,950 The man's name is Donald Becker. One Donald Becker. 2036 01:19:28,950 --> 01:19:30,850 If there is a relative out there... 2037 01:19:30,850 --> 01:19:32,150 who knows Donald Becker... 2038 01:19:32,250 --> 01:19:34,750 could you please make your way to the Hollywood sign? 2039 01:19:34,750 --> 01:19:35,850 Perhaps you could, uh... 2040 01:19:35,850 --> 01:19:35,950 I'm doing this for you, Baird! Perhaps you could, uh... 2041 01:19:35,950 --> 01:19:38,550 I'm doing this for you, Baird! 2042 01:19:38,550 --> 01:19:41,350 Please don't do this. 2043 01:19:41,350 --> 01:19:41,450 Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this. 2044 01:19:41,450 --> 01:19:43,450 Please don't do this to me. 2045 01:19:43,450 --> 01:19:46,150 Where are you now? 2046 01:19:46,150 --> 01:19:48,150 In first class. 2047 01:19:58,150 --> 01:20:01,750 I've never seen such a mass of chaos in my life. 2048 01:20:01,750 --> 01:20:01,950 We'll cut to the copter in the air... I've never seen such a mass of chaos in my life. 2049 01:20:01,950 --> 01:20:03,350 We'll cut to the copter in the air... 2050 01:20:03,350 --> 01:20:05,250 to see if they can pick it up. 2051 01:20:05,250 --> 01:20:08,150 He seems to be saying "Baird." 2052 01:20:08,150 --> 01:20:08,250 Where is he? Where is he? He seems to be saying "Baird." 2053 01:20:08,250 --> 01:20:10,850 Where is he? Where is he? 2054 01:20:10,850 --> 01:20:10,950 Where's who? Where is he? Where is he? 2055 01:20:10,950 --> 01:20:12,450 Where's who? 2056 01:20:12,550 --> 01:20:14,450 It's only money. It's only money. 2057 01:20:14,450 --> 01:20:15,850 You can cash in on his momentum. 2058 01:20:15,850 --> 01:20:17,250 You don't want to blow that. 2059 01:20:17,350 --> 01:20:19,450 That looks like Dr. Lawrence Baird. 2060 01:20:19,450 --> 01:20:20,550 You crook! 2061 01:20:20,550 --> 01:20:22,250 ...recently on the radio. Dr. Baird... 2062 01:20:22,250 --> 01:20:24,450 there's a rumor that this man is your patient. 2063 01:20:24,550 --> 01:20:26,250 Is this true, and if so, how does it reflect... 2064 01:20:26,250 --> 01:20:27,450 on your treatment of him? 2065 01:20:27,450 --> 01:20:29,950 Badly, but maybe he won't live to spread the word. 2066 01:20:29,950 --> 01:20:31,450 Thank you. That was Dr. Lawrence Baird... 2067 01:20:31,550 --> 01:20:34,250 noted radio psychiatrist. My goodness. 2068 01:20:34,250 --> 01:20:34,350 Looks like Dr. Baird has taken Captain Goldblatt's horse! noted radio psychiatrist. My goodness. 2069 01:20:34,350 --> 01:20:36,150 Looks like Dr. Baird has taken Captain Goldblatt's horse! 2070 01:20:36,250 --> 01:20:37,450 With my money! 2071 01:20:37,450 --> 01:20:40,050 -lsn't anybody-- -I'll stop him! 2072 01:20:43,150 --> 01:20:45,250 Good shot. 2073 01:20:45,250 --> 01:20:47,050 -Where are we going? -Guess! 2074 01:20:50,850 --> 01:20:54,250 Are you Dr. Baird? It's an honor to meet you. 2075 01:20:54,250 --> 01:20:56,050 Listen, I have got to get up to the "Y." 2076 01:20:56,050 --> 01:20:56,150 My wife heard you on the air. Listen, I have got to get up to the "Y." 2077 01:20:56,150 --> 01:20:57,450 My wife heard you on the air. 2078 01:20:57,450 --> 01:20:57,550 When she finds out I met you in person-- My wife heard you on the air. 2079 01:20:57,550 --> 01:20:59,250 When she finds out I met you in person-- 2080 01:21:00,450 --> 01:21:03,050 Listen, Doc, actually, I got a little problem with her. 2081 01:21:03,050 --> 01:21:03,150 For the last few months-- Listen, Doc, actually, I got a little problem with her. 2082 01:21:03,150 --> 01:21:04,350 For the last few months-- 2083 01:21:04,350 --> 01:21:06,350 We should really talk about this later. 2084 01:21:06,350 --> 01:21:08,750 She likes to come home Friday, put on my uniform-- 2085 01:21:08,750 --> 01:21:10,950 Is that the only way out? Is there any other way out? 2086 01:21:10,950 --> 01:21:12,050 It's not like she's kinky, either. 2087 01:21:12,050 --> 01:21:12,150 I think she just wants to be me. It's not like she's kinky, either. 2088 01:21:12,150 --> 01:21:13,650 I think she just wants to be me. 2089 01:21:13,750 --> 01:21:16,150 Look, I am responsible for this guy, and-- 2090 01:21:16,150 --> 01:21:18,050 She runs around writing parking tickets. 2091 01:21:18,050 --> 01:21:19,750 She tries to pee standing up. 2092 01:21:19,750 --> 01:21:19,850 Well, I'll see what I can do. She tries to pee standing up. 2093 01:21:19,850 --> 01:21:21,150 Well, I'll see what I can do. 2094 01:21:21,150 --> 01:21:21,250 I'll put my mind to a solution to your problem... Well, I'll see what I can do. 2095 01:21:21,250 --> 01:21:23,250 I'll put my mind to a solution to your problem... 2096 01:21:23,250 --> 01:21:24,950 and see if we can't come up with something... 2097 01:21:25,050 --> 01:21:26,250 but I have to go. 2098 01:21:26,250 --> 01:21:26,350 Yeah, but, Doc, I really need your advice on this-- but I have to go. 2099 01:21:26,350 --> 01:21:28,550 Yeah, but, Doc, I really need your advice on this-- 2100 01:21:28,550 --> 01:21:31,050 Got a session down here now. See you after. 2101 01:21:31,050 --> 01:21:33,150 Just in case you don't make it... 2102 01:21:33,150 --> 01:21:33,250 Later. We'll talk later. Just in case you don't make it... 2103 01:21:33,250 --> 01:21:34,450 Later. We'll talk later. 2104 01:21:34,550 --> 01:21:36,950 I really will think about it, though. 2105 01:21:38,750 --> 01:21:40,550 It's you. 2106 01:21:40,550 --> 01:21:40,650 Decided to come back, have you? It's you. 2107 01:21:40,650 --> 01:21:43,350 Decided to come back, have you? 2108 01:21:43,350 --> 01:21:43,450 Besides, I thought you were on your way to Mexico. Decided to come back, have you? 2109 01:21:43,450 --> 01:21:46,550 Besides, I thought you were on your way to Mexico. 2110 01:21:46,550 --> 01:21:51,050 What happened--my fatal attraction lured you back? 2111 01:21:51,050 --> 01:21:51,150 This is a fitting setting for our reunion. What happened--my fatal attraction lured you back? 2112 01:21:51,150 --> 01:21:54,250 This is a fitting setting for our reunion. 2113 01:21:55,150 --> 01:21:57,550 Where's your unicycle and your umbrella? 2114 01:21:57,550 --> 01:21:57,650 I've seen trained bears do better wire acts. Where's your unicycle and your umbrella? 2115 01:21:57,650 --> 01:22:00,950 I've seen trained bears do better wire acts. 2116 01:22:04,250 --> 01:22:05,550 I can't see my money. 2117 01:22:05,550 --> 01:22:05,650 Maybe he gave it to someone to hold. I can't see my money. 2118 01:22:05,650 --> 01:22:07,050 Maybe he gave it to someone to hold. 2119 01:22:07,050 --> 01:22:09,050 Cool it about the money. There's TV here. 2120 01:22:09,050 --> 01:22:10,250 You want the whole world to know? 2121 01:22:10,250 --> 01:22:10,350 He could fall, and we'd never find it. You want the whole world to know? 2122 01:22:10,350 --> 01:22:11,550 He could fall, and we'd never find it. 2123 01:22:11,550 --> 01:22:13,750 You're a doctor. Act concerned. 2124 01:22:13,750 --> 01:22:15,950 You don't think I'm concerned? 2125 01:22:15,950 --> 01:22:19,350 You give away my $200,000 and sleep with my wife? 2126 01:22:19,350 --> 01:22:19,450 I'm concerned. You give away my $200,000 and sleep with my wife? 2127 01:22:19,450 --> 01:22:21,050 I'm concerned. 2128 01:22:21,150 --> 01:22:23,150 Quiet. A man's life is at stake. 2129 01:22:23,150 --> 01:22:25,450 Guess whose. 2130 01:22:26,750 --> 01:22:29,950 As I've said, I've been at numerous crisis situations... 2131 01:22:29,950 --> 01:22:30,050 but never one where the parking was just so terrible. As I've said, I've been at numerous crisis situations... 2132 01:22:30,050 --> 01:22:33,450 but never one where the parking was just so terrible. 2133 01:22:46,150 --> 01:22:47,750 Hold on. Hang on. 2134 01:22:52,250 --> 01:22:53,850 That's it. 2135 01:22:56,450 --> 01:22:57,950 Why did you come back? 2136 01:22:57,950 --> 01:23:00,050 I'm still trying to figure that out. 2137 01:23:01,250 --> 01:23:03,950 -Scared, Doctor? You've got the wrong man. 2138 01:23:03,950 --> 01:23:05,850 You just needed a little help. 2139 01:23:05,850 --> 01:23:07,250 How did you get up here anyway? 2140 01:23:07,250 --> 01:23:09,150 Same way you did, Doc. 2141 01:23:10,650 --> 01:23:13,050 Thanks for thinking of this. 2142 01:23:13,050 --> 01:23:14,150 What do you want? 2143 01:23:14,150 --> 01:23:14,250 What do I want? What do you want? What do you want? 2144 01:23:14,250 --> 01:23:16,550 What do I want? What do you want? 2145 01:23:16,550 --> 01:23:16,650 You're the one who was screaming... What do I want? What do you want? 2146 01:23:16,650 --> 01:23:17,950 You're the one who was screaming... 2147 01:23:17,950 --> 01:23:18,050 all over local TV for me. You're the one who was screaming... 2148 01:23:18,050 --> 01:23:19,450 all over local TV for me. 2149 01:23:19,550 --> 01:23:21,750 I just wanted you to watch me jump. 2150 01:23:21,750 --> 01:23:23,650 Bullshit. You wanted me here. 2151 01:23:23,650 --> 01:23:27,050 Now I'm here, so let's do it. 2152 01:23:28,750 --> 01:23:32,150 Great. Let's do it. 2153 01:23:33,250 --> 01:23:36,850 -Me first. -We jump together. 2154 01:23:36,850 --> 01:23:37,050 But before we go, there's something I gotta tell you. -Me first. -We jump together. 2155 01:23:37,050 --> 01:23:39,150 But before we go, there's something I gotta tell you. 2156 01:23:39,150 --> 01:23:39,250 Hurry up. I haven't got all night. But before we go, there's something I gotta tell you. 2157 01:23:39,250 --> 01:23:41,750 Hurry up. I haven't got all night. 2158 01:23:41,750 --> 01:23:44,250 I was history. I had in my possession... 2159 01:23:44,250 --> 01:23:44,350 $200,000 in crisp, cold cash. I was rich. I was history. I had in my possession... 2160 01:23:44,350 --> 01:23:48,250 $200,000 in crisp, cold cash. I was rich. 2161 01:23:50,350 --> 01:23:52,950 You take this key... 2162 01:23:52,950 --> 01:23:56,650 go to the airport, get my 200,000... 2163 01:23:56,650 --> 01:23:56,850 and start a new life. go to the airport, get my 200,000... 2164 01:23:56,850 --> 01:23:58,950 and start a new life. 2165 01:24:06,750 --> 01:24:09,050 Why did you come back? 2166 01:24:09,050 --> 01:24:11,550 You were wrong when you said I deserted you... 2167 01:24:11,550 --> 01:24:11,650 but you were right about the pants. You were wrong when you said I deserted you... 2168 01:24:11,650 --> 01:24:13,650 but you were right about the pants. 2169 01:24:14,850 --> 01:24:16,950 Size thirty-eight crazy. 2170 01:24:16,950 --> 01:24:20,550 -What? -Prison issue. 2171 01:24:20,550 --> 01:24:23,450 The County Correctional Mental Facility For Men... 2172 01:24:23,450 --> 01:24:23,550 at Cicero, lllinois. The County Correctional Mental Facility For Men... 2173 01:24:23,550 --> 01:24:25,550 at Cicero, lllinois. 2174 01:24:25,550 --> 01:24:29,850 John William Burns, Jr., inmate number 7474505-B... 2175 01:24:29,850 --> 01:24:29,950 current status-- escaped and at large. John William Burns, Jr., inmate number 7474505-B... 2176 01:24:29,950 --> 01:24:34,150 current status-- escaped and at large. 2177 01:24:43,850 --> 01:24:45,550 They'll get us. 2178 01:24:45,550 --> 01:24:45,650 We'll live to jump again. They'll get us. 2179 01:24:45,650 --> 01:24:47,550 We'll live to jump again. 2180 01:25:18,550 --> 01:25:20,550 -Cuff him. -Arrest him, too. 2181 01:25:20,550 --> 01:25:22,050 Dr. Baird? He's the hero. 2182 01:25:22,150 --> 01:25:23,650 That's the nut case we're taking in. 2183 01:25:23,650 --> 01:25:25,050 He's not Dr. Baird! 2184 01:25:25,050 --> 01:25:27,050 What's in a name? This man's a hero. 2185 01:25:27,050 --> 01:25:29,650 -Don't be ungracious. -He stole my money! 2186 01:25:29,650 --> 01:25:32,150 Come, come, we'll talk. 2187 01:25:32,150 --> 01:25:34,350 Here. You better take back your key. 2188 01:25:34,350 --> 01:25:34,450 Absolutely not. My offer still stands. You keep it. Here. You better take back your key. 2189 01:25:34,450 --> 01:25:37,050 Absolutely not. My offer still stands. You keep it. 2190 01:25:37,050 --> 01:25:39,750 -They're gonna lock me up. -Don't count on it. 2191 01:25:41,050 --> 01:25:43,250 Sorry about this. I'm gonna have to take you in. 2192 01:25:43,250 --> 01:25:45,450 That's quite all right. Don't worry about it. It's fine. 2193 01:25:45,550 --> 01:25:47,950 A nice guy like you? It's a shame. 2194 01:25:47,950 --> 01:25:50,550 -I quite agree. -Cuff him, too. 2195 01:25:50,550 --> 01:25:50,750 Listen, Captain, you don't want him. -I quite agree. -Cuff him, too. 2196 01:25:50,750 --> 01:25:54,350 Listen, Captain, you don't want him. 2197 01:25:54,350 --> 01:25:56,150 He's not a criminal. He hasn't done anything wrong. 2198 01:25:56,150 --> 01:25:57,450 I sent him up there. 2199 01:25:57,450 --> 01:26:00,750 It's not his fault. It's my fault. Let him go. 2200 01:26:04,350 --> 01:26:07,350 You'll still be on the 11 :00 news. 2201 01:26:10,750 --> 01:26:12,650 Release the other guy. 2202 01:26:19,250 --> 01:26:21,850 I want my money! He took my money! 2203 01:26:21,850 --> 01:26:24,150 You! You! You took my money! 2204 01:26:24,150 --> 01:26:26,350 -Are you Maitlin? You're damn right! 2205 01:26:26,350 --> 01:26:28,450 Author of the theory of psychocerebral equilibrium? 2206 01:26:28,450 --> 01:26:28,550 You better believe it! Author of the theory of psychocerebral equilibrium? 2207 01:26:28,550 --> 01:26:29,850 You better believe it! 2208 01:26:29,850 --> 01:26:31,350 -Garbage! -Garbage?! 2209 01:26:31,350 --> 01:26:31,450 I'll show you garbage! -Garbage! -Garbage?! 2210 01:26:31,450 --> 01:26:32,950 I'll show you garbage! 2211 01:26:32,950 --> 01:26:35,450 This is no time for violence. 2212 01:26:35,450 --> 01:26:38,050 -Wrong, Harvey! -Holy shit! 2213 01:26:38,050 --> 01:26:39,950 You let my money get away. 2214 01:26:39,950 --> 01:26:42,050 -But you didn't. -I'm your friend! 2215 01:26:42,050 --> 01:26:42,150 You banged my wife for a year and a half... -But you didn't. -I'm your friend! 2216 01:26:42,150 --> 01:26:44,850 You banged my wife for a year and a half... 2217 01:26:44,850 --> 01:26:44,950 on your lousy desk! You banged my wife for a year and a half... 2218 01:26:44,950 --> 01:26:46,950 on your lousy desk! 2219 01:26:46,950 --> 01:26:49,250 The desk is a signed Julian Schnabel! 2220 01:26:49,250 --> 01:26:49,350 Sign this! The desk is a signed Julian Schnabel! 2221 01:26:49,350 --> 01:26:50,950 Sign this! 2222 01:26:51,050 --> 01:26:54,650 Jesus! He's got a gun! Grab him! Get him! 2223 01:26:54,650 --> 01:26:54,750 We have another late-breaking development. Jesus! He's got a gun! Grab him! Get him! 2224 01:26:54,750 --> 01:26:57,350 We have another late-breaking development. 2225 01:26:57,350 --> 01:26:59,150 Gunshots have erupted beneath the famed Hollywood sign... 2226 01:26:59,150 --> 01:27:01,050 which recently saw the thrilling rescue... 2227 01:27:01,050 --> 01:27:04,250 of a deranged patient by radio psychiatrist Dr. Lawrence Baird. 2228 01:27:04,250 --> 01:27:06,750 The alleged assailant is allegedly Dr. George Maitlin... 2229 01:27:06,750 --> 01:27:08,350 another Los Angeles psychiatrist. 2230 01:27:08,350 --> 01:27:09,650 Perhaps we could get an interview with him. 2231 01:27:09,650 --> 01:27:11,750 Dr. Maitlin, is there anything you'd like to say? 2232 01:27:11,750 --> 01:27:14,250 -Fuck you! -That's another first. 2233 01:27:14,550 --> 01:27:16,550 Let's check on two-thirty. 2234 01:27:19,250 --> 01:27:21,050 Doctor. 2235 01:27:21,050 --> 01:27:23,550 I'm Dr. Baird. 2236 01:27:23,550 --> 01:27:25,350 I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 2237 01:27:25,350 --> 01:27:25,450 I hear you. I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 2238 01:27:25,450 --> 01:27:26,550 I hear you. 2239 01:27:26,550 --> 01:27:29,650 I hear you saying you're Dr. Lawrence Baird. 2240 01:27:29,650 --> 01:27:31,950 I am Dr. Baird, though. I really am. 2241 01:27:31,950 --> 01:27:33,350 I'm Dr. Baird. 2242 01:27:33,350 --> 01:27:35,050 I hear you. I really do. 2243 01:27:35,050 --> 01:27:37,550 I hear you saying, "l am Dr. Baird." 2244 01:27:37,550 --> 01:27:40,250 You're not really listening to me. 2245 01:27:40,250 --> 01:27:41,750 You think you're hearing what I'm saying... 2246 01:27:41,750 --> 01:27:43,050 but you're not really listening. 2247 01:27:43,050 --> 01:27:43,150 I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. but you're not really listening. 2248 01:27:43,150 --> 01:27:44,650 I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 2249 01:27:44,750 --> 01:27:47,750 I'm a qualified, accredited psychiatrist... 2250 01:27:47,750 --> 01:27:47,850 and somebody else has supplanted me. I'm a qualified, accredited psychiatrist... 2251 01:27:47,850 --> 01:27:49,950 and somebody else has supplanted me. 2252 01:27:49,950 --> 01:27:53,150 Up his thorazine to 500 milligrams. 2253 01:27:53,150 --> 01:27:53,250 Another evaluation for you, Dr. Smet. Up his thorazine to 500 milligrams. 2254 01:27:53,250 --> 01:27:56,150 Another evaluation for you, Dr. Smet. 2255 01:27:56,150 --> 01:27:58,450 -Amazing. -What, sir? 2256 01:27:58,450 --> 01:27:58,550 How many psychiatrists we're getting these days. -Amazing. -What, sir? 2257 01:27:58,550 --> 01:28:00,750 How many psychiatrists we're getting these days. 2258 01:28:08,550 --> 01:28:10,650 -What? -I'm Dr. Smet. 2259 01:28:13,350 --> 01:28:15,150 I'm not sick. 2260 01:28:18,550 --> 01:28:21,450 I just need space. 2261 01:28:52,750 --> 01:28:56,650 And the moon lights up the night 2262 01:28:56,650 --> 01:28:56,750 My eyes light up when you call my name And the moon lights up the night 2263 01:28:56,750 --> 01:28:59,650 My eyes light up when you call my name 2264 01:28:59,650 --> 01:28:59,750 I get a fever-- My eyes light up when you call my name 2265 01:28:59,750 --> 01:29:01,050 I get a fever-- 2266 01:29:01,050 --> 01:29:04,250 Hey, Houdini, let's go. You're going to Lompoc. 2267 01:29:04,250 --> 01:29:06,850 You give me fever 2268 01:29:09,850 --> 01:29:12,250 See you later, fellow timesters. 2269 01:29:12,250 --> 01:29:12,350 Good luck. See you later, fellow timesters. 2270 01:29:12,350 --> 01:29:13,750 Good luck. 2271 01:29:16,550 --> 01:29:19,150 You'll be glad to know that the horror stories... 2272 01:29:19,150 --> 01:29:21,050 about Lompoc prison aren't really true. 2273 01:29:21,150 --> 01:29:22,450 Good. 2274 01:29:22,450 --> 01:29:22,550 I mean, they got rid of most of the rats. Good. 2275 01:29:22,550 --> 01:29:24,550 I mean, they got rid of most of the rats. 2276 01:29:24,550 --> 01:29:27,250 The number of knife attacks is way down... 2277 01:29:27,250 --> 01:29:27,350 as are the cases of ptomaine poisoning and gang rape. The number of knife attacks is way down... 2278 01:29:27,350 --> 01:29:31,850 as are the cases of ptomaine poisoning and gang rape. 2279 01:29:31,850 --> 01:29:31,950 I'm glad to hear it. as are the cases of ptomaine poisoning and gang rape. 2280 01:29:31,950 --> 01:29:33,150 I'm glad to hear it. 2281 01:29:33,150 --> 01:29:33,250 I mean, they haven't had a really nasty death... I'm glad to hear it. 2282 01:29:33,250 --> 01:29:35,150 I mean, they haven't had a really nasty death... 2283 01:29:35,150 --> 01:29:38,350 there in at least a week. 2284 01:29:38,350 --> 01:29:38,450 -Nice. -Hey. there in at least a week. 2285 01:29:38,450 --> 01:29:40,850 -Nice. -Hey. 2286 01:29:40,850 --> 01:29:40,950 Frank, a little trouble ahead. -Nice. -Hey. 2287 01:29:40,950 --> 01:29:43,450 Frank, a little trouble ahead. 2288 01:29:43,450 --> 01:29:48,150 33 David, we got a 902T at Pacific Coast Highway... 2289 01:29:48,150 --> 01:29:48,250 and Decker Canyon. Send rescue. 33 David, we got a 902T at Pacific Coast Highway... 2290 01:29:48,250 --> 01:29:49,650 and Decker Canyon. Send rescue. 2291 01:29:56,650 --> 01:29:59,250 There's a woman trapped in there! 2292 01:30:15,150 --> 01:30:16,750 Hey, what's going on? 2293 01:30:16,850 --> 01:30:20,050 Frank, stop that van! Stop, or I'll shoot! 2294 01:30:20,050 --> 01:30:20,150 You're under arrest! Stop! Frank, stop that van! Stop, or I'll shoot! 2295 01:30:20,150 --> 01:30:22,350 You're under arrest! Stop! 2296 01:30:26,050 --> 01:30:29,150 You didn't say they were gonna be shooting at us! 2297 01:30:29,150 --> 01:30:29,250 Welcome to life on the lam! You didn't say they were gonna be shooting at us! 2298 01:30:29,250 --> 01:30:32,250 Welcome to life on the lam! 2299 01:30:32,250 --> 01:30:34,450 Hold still while I get these off. 2300 01:30:34,450 --> 01:30:37,150 You really are everything a guy could want. 2301 01:30:37,150 --> 01:30:37,250 -Shit! -What? What's wrong? You really are everything a guy could want. 2302 01:30:37,250 --> 01:30:39,550 -Shit! -What? What's wrong? 2303 01:30:39,550 --> 01:30:39,650 The Freon's not working! -Shit! -What? What's wrong? 2304 01:30:39,650 --> 01:30:41,350 The Freon's not working! 2305 01:30:41,350 --> 01:30:43,050 Who planned this disaster, anyway? 2306 01:30:43,150 --> 01:30:44,550 -She did. -He did! 2307 01:30:44,550 --> 01:30:44,650 The gods of transportation have been kind to us. -She did. -He did! 2308 01:30:44,650 --> 01:30:47,350 The gods of transportation have been kind to us. 2309 01:30:54,050 --> 01:30:56,350 -Put this on. -How? 2310 01:30:56,350 --> 01:30:58,250 Over your shoulders. Good. 2311 01:30:58,250 --> 01:30:59,450 Just call me the wild one. 2312 01:30:59,550 --> 01:31:01,650 -Good luck, boys. You're not coming with us? 2313 01:31:01,650 --> 01:31:01,750 This is it for me. -Good luck, boys. You're not coming with us? 2314 01:31:01,750 --> 01:31:02,950 This is it for me. 2315 01:31:02,950 --> 01:31:04,450 But I don't want you. 2316 01:31:04,450 --> 01:31:06,050 I want the girl. This isn't fair. 2317 01:31:06,150 --> 01:31:07,850 Life isn't fair. Hop on. 2318 01:31:07,850 --> 01:31:07,950 But I don't want to escape with you. I hate you. Life isn't fair. Hop on. 2319 01:31:07,950 --> 01:31:10,250 But I don't want to escape with you. I hate you. 2320 01:31:10,250 --> 01:31:11,750 I can accept that. 2321 01:31:17,250 --> 01:31:18,850 This hog can kick ass! 2322 01:31:18,850 --> 01:31:21,750 Can outrun any cop car built since '71! 2323 01:31:21,750 --> 01:31:23,450 Where did you get this bike, anyway? 2324 01:31:23,450 --> 01:31:26,050 I dipped into petty cash-- your briefcase! 2325 01:31:26,050 --> 01:31:27,450 I take back everything... 2326 01:31:27,550 --> 01:31:29,850 I ever said about you! You really are crazy! 2327 01:31:29,850 --> 01:31:29,950 How far do you think we're gonna get on this thing? I ever said about you! You really are crazy! 2328 01:31:29,950 --> 01:31:31,650 How far do you think we're gonna get on this thing? 2329 01:31:31,650 --> 01:31:34,350 -To Monte Carlo. -On a motorcycle? 2330 01:31:34,350 --> 01:31:37,150 No! On Harvey's yacht! 2331 01:31:37,150 --> 01:31:40,450 There are worse things than being crazy! 199923

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