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"Santa is a piece of crap"

Check it out. Check it out at Pigallo's...

- Santa, can I get a picture? - No way, go.

Let me go.

You hit children?

He pulled my beard.

He's so young, I can't believe it.

Are you still here? Go away. You don't belong here.

It's everybody's sidewalk, you know.

- Get lost. - They don't even let me work here.

I just got out of prison,

but they keep shutting me out.

Stop causing trouble, or you'll get a beating.

Don't worry, I'm on my way.

Fascist.

Go after him! What a bastard. Get him!

Christmas striptease. Completely naked.

A piece of that long, soft stuff.

That's it.

Some nerve, thief!

Sweetie...

Hi rats. Is mom at home?

She could at least do the housekeeping.

- I'm sorry to disturb you. - We're here to listen.

- Please hold. - Ther�se?

Thank you for your call...

Ther�se, it's me, Josette.

Turn off that tape, I want to speak to you.

SOS Friendship. Thank you for your call.

Stay on the line, in a few moments

you'll hear the voice of a friend.

...because I feel better already. - I'm glad I could help you.

I'm so alone, I feel so imprisoned.

...like a shell...

...since my daughter left me... - With her father, yeah...

Happy Christmas and don't be afraid to call.

I had to pay 785 francs for these few toys.

Would you like to know my opinion?

Ther�se... Ther�se.

Yes, Mme Musquin?

- Would you like to know my opinion - Sure.

The children are spoiled.

You can play with a piece of rope.

Well, what do you want.

And where's Pierre? What time is it?

- 6 past 8. - 10 past. I'll be late at my sister's.

My brother in law is so punctual.

And my nephews are waiting for their presents.

He's probably busy.

You call that Busy? The hell! he'll be here shortly.

Ther�se, sometimes you're so naive.

Obviously a woman is to blame.

Marie-Ange, that's some insinuation.

Pierre is not really punctual, true.

But he loves his wife very much.

You don't know men, Ther�se.

When a man is late, a woman is to blame.

I've experienced it myself, unfortunately.

Pierre, we were fearing the worst.

Well, the children...

And I had to pass by some old couple.

I almost got angry.

I'm already very, very late.

I'm going. Good evening.

And still a merry Christmas.

An enjoyable Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Mme Musquin.

Pierre...

Pierre, it's Mme Musquin.

- Where have you been? - On the phone with Ther�se.

That tart from SOS? I told you not to.

So what. Ther�se is my patroness.

Besides, I'm leaving this dump.

The baby can get myxomatose

from all those rabbits.

And give me back the maternity allowance.

Give it up, or you'll get a beating.

If you do that one more time,

my brother from Marseille will kill you.

Your brother is a softy.

You'll pee your pants.

You're getting on my nerves.

Your panties and your shirt are in it, pig.

- I'll steel some new ones. - Here, you drunk.

The rats, damned.

But, she's crazy.

Sweetie, come back. Come back right now or I'll kill you.

Sweetie...

The rats. Come back here.

Pinouille...

Pinouille. Come back. Where were you going?

Don't go there. That's the highway.

I'm stuck in the elevator.

Pierre, answer me. Pierre...

Are they ignoring me or what?

Pierre... SOS Friendship?

"Clean after use especially in case of a cold"

Nice. Nice. Nice.

- Not many calls huh, Ther�se? - Nothing serious.

The usual. Just one caller since 6 o'clock.

SOS Friendship, hello. I'm listening.

Is this SOS Friendship? Hello...

Hello? I can't hear you.

I'm at the end of the road. What should I do?

Hello. Push the button.

Hello?

Call me back from a booth that's working.

But one call since 6 o'clock

is very calm for Christmas Eve.

Yes, but so much the better.

Right.

So much the better for them, you're right.

But nonetheless for us it's very calm.

It's on the hook?

Because sometimes it's not put down right,

and then there's no ring.

My knitting for the children with leprosy

in Jakarta is almost finished.

They asked for gloves with three fingers.

I'd better make mittens, don't you think?

Of course.

Ther�se, allow me, a pair of

sturdy socks and you're done.

My dear Pierre.

A person says some foolish things sometimes.

Yes. But I'd rather work shift

with you than with Mme Musquin.

She's nice, in her own way,

but she doesn't have a lot of imagination.

Right.

Ther�se, I don't like to gossip

but indeed, she is nice.

This junk.

It's a disgrace, considering how much it costs.

A call.

SOS Friendship. Yes, merry Christmas.

But we're here to listen to you.

I'm calling because I'm very lonely tonight.

Not anymore. Our entire team is listening to you.

- Can I come over? - No sir, that's not possible.

Can't you visit some family members?

- No, they can't stand me. - Right.

An enjoyable bar in your neighborhood?

- No. - Neither that.

Are you married, sir?

I've been engaged, that's all.

Tell us your feelings. We're listening.

I don't know what's going on, who I am.

Is it me who's talking to you?

Of course, I assure you.

Hello? Don't give up, sir.

You're going through rough times,

but the tunnel is not endless.

We're here. Hello?

I need to see you. Tonight.

That's not possible, it's a rule we can't break.

- Just for a moment. - No, we can't.

I beg you, it's Christmas.

Well, alright. Rue Montmartre number 17.

Thank you. I'll come right over.

When he mentioned Christmas, I could not refuse.

Hey Charles Bronson, put up a happy face.

Stop calling me that, dad.

Bronson join us, Bronson join us.

He probably won't stay long.

You'll cheer him up and he'll leave.

I broke the rules.

That's allowed in extreme circumstances.

This was not extreme. I was weak.

Let me make it up.

SOS Friendship. Merry Christmas.

Yes, merry Christmas, sir.

- This will be my last Christmas. - Right.

I suffer from leukemia and I will die within two months.

I'd like to wish merry Christmas to a woman.

What a courageous gesture, sir.

I'll pass you on to our colleague.

Merry Christmas. I mean...

- What's your name? - Ther�se.

I'll f... you in all your holes, Ther�se.

I'll slam you against the wall.

Stop it. Immediately. We're not interested.

I want the dyke, not that faggot.

Stop. This pervert is keeping the line occupied.

Well, Pierre, you're making a fuss about it.

I don't care.

I'm sorry to disturb you,

but your friend is stuck in the elevator.

She's been playing the trumpet for half an hour.

What happened to you?

I've been blowing myself hoarse for one hour.

A short-circuit. It had to happen me.

Please go and fix it.

At once. I'm sorry we didn't hear you.

Then you're the only ones. Hooligans.

Lets go back to the table. Dinner's getting cold.

It's not a short-circuit.

It's a bad connection in the fuse box.

The old janitor fixed it like that.

I'm getting tools to screw it open.

Don't you have a Swiss army knife?

No, excuse me.

A Swiss army knife would be very handy.

Your sister called. They've begun with the dinner.

I don't like oysters anyway.

The worst part is that the gifts look terrible.

I can't give it like this.

Even if it's the thought that counts.

One moment.

Pierre, hurry up. I want turkey.

The switch. I don't want to stay in the dark for hours.

Ther�se, what's that present on the chair in the kitchen?

Nothing. Why are you nosing around?

I have a surprise for you too.

I don't even have a Phillips screwdriver.

Ther�se? It's Josette.

I've been calling you all evening,

What are you up to?

I've some troubles with F�lix. I have no place to sleep.

I understand, but I'm working the shift all night.

But you said that I could sleep at...

...your place if I didn't touch your stuff.

My stuff. - It's too cold to sleep outside.

Alright, come and get the keys. You and your fights.

He's the one fighting.

There's F�lix. I'm hanging up.

Sweetie. Sweetie...

Is something wrong, Pierre? Just be honest.

- I'm afraid to get an electric shock. - Nonsense. Your soles are from crepe.

- Who was that? - Josette, an old friend.

A very courageous kid despite of all the setbacks.

Nice. Listen...

Do you think he'll manager? That guy has two left hands.

Ther�se, help me lift the cover so I can reach it.

I'm coming.

Are you unable to do it, Pierre? Just call the repairman.

I'm almost there. No unnecessary expenses.

Don't worry, I will pay my share.

Pay her share? She's the one that used the elevator.

Besides, you've paid for the Christmas tree.

- That's for her too. - Exactly.

Look, if you can lift the cover here...

Wait. Go ahead.

Then I might be able to fit a finger. Lift, like that.

Why don't you unscrew the other screws.

I don't have the right tool. Come on.

Push it that way. Watch it. Here we go.

Son of a bitch, damned. Give me that.

You see, it was bound to happen. I bet you hurt yourself.

Pierre, answer me. Are you hurting?

I'm so sorry. It's my fault. I'm so clumsy.

Maybe now you'll call for assistance?

It stings.

Rue Montmartre 17. When will you be here?

I'm sorry, Ther�se.

The pain makes you say things you doesn't think.

I thought so.

Not any sooner? OK. Thank you.

I don't even know your mother.

- Only after two hours. - You've hesitated one hour.

My Christmas Eve screwed up. Thanks.

Take the phone, Ther�se. You can leave me alone, you know.

The phone, Ther�se, the phone!

This is SOS Friendship.

Ther�se, the surprise on the chair, can you eat it?

I call because I...

You should know, I have a problem...

Well, a problem... It's actually something about me.

When I was little... I never liked to live outside, but...

Alice never liked to live outside either.

- Pierre, stop it. - Do you understand?

Yes, sir, very well.

Pierre, I'm talking to a moron. Wait.

Very friendly, thanks.

He hung up, that poor guy.

If you can't wait any longer. For Christmas.

For me? Ther�se, you shouldn't have. What a surprise.

Look at that.

I hope you like it.

Just the fact that you thought of me...

Won't you open it?

Of course. But just the outside...

A mop. But Ther�se, that's formidable.

No, it's a vest.

It is? But of course. It has holes for the arms.

Very nice, Ther�se, very nice.

What about the color?

I thought about navy blue, because that's your color.

But this is different for a change.

You're right. And gray and blue go well with anything.

And it's model you don't see too often.

I hope so, Ther�se.

I still needed something to wear while bringing out the trash.

I'm very happy with it.

Well, then that makes me happy too,

because...

Wait. I've painted a picture for you.

Pierre, I'm touched.

Please, don't see at it as being a man's fantasy, Ther�se,

but rather as the result of a creative journey.

Now what?

Sir Preskovitch. It's Preskovitch, Ther�se.

Good evening Mr Mortez, Mme Ther�se.

Your colleague who talks so loud is stuck in the elevator again.

We knew that. Thank you for telling us.

I also brought you a Christmas present. From my country.

You're making us uncomfortable. We don't have anything in return.

Not for you, no.

We haven't seen you for a while. We thought you'd died.

No, I'm not dead.

I'm workingas a toll collector at Corbeil-Sud.

It's very windy there, but quiet.

Then you're in luck.

But we won't detain you anymore. Merry Christmas.

I've time off. I brought you dubbicu.

Dubbichu. Like chocolate truffles.

- I'll keep them for later. - Won't you try?

But of course.

That goes without saying, Mr Preskovitch.

- You first. - No, you.

- I can't choose. - So much choice.

These are the dubbicu from Sofia.

Yeah, it's very good.

Only good stuff.

Synthetic cacao, margarine and saccharine.

There's a second layer inside, Ther�se.

Very good. You don't even need to have an appetite.

Prepared according to traditional methods.

It sure looks like it.

Rolled by hand under the armpits.

Mr Preskovitch, we won't disturb you any longer.

It's actually garnishing. But I won't tell any more.

Yes, don't tell no more. Thank you, Mr Preskovitch.

- Bye. I'll pass by later. - Sure, at a quiet time.

- Yes, Mme Musquin. - The switch.

- Are you ok, Mme Musquin? - Yes, thanks.

Disgusting.

Do you want to spit it out, Ther�se?

No, 'cause it was a generous gift.

You're right.

I wanted to show you my picture. Now I'm nervous.

- Maybe you won't like it. - Pierre, it's the thought that counts.

You should think it at your place.

I can't really say I don't like it, but...

The village is nice, but...

The fat lady is a bit... It's overdone.

I realize you came out worse than the pig.

We forgot Mme Musquin.

What's wrong, Mme Musquin?

Ther�se, come. I can't take it any longer.

- It's a failure. - A small problem.

Mme Musquin has to do a number one.

Oh no. How unfortunate for her.

Come on, Marie-Ange, lean on the chair. Come on.

Why don't you do something, Pierre.

I'm doing all I can with my weak back.

Pull, for Christ's sake. Pull.

Excuse me. You're not very heavy but still pretty heavy.

This won't work. I'm getting a stool.

- It'll work. - Stop arguing. Pull.

But I am pulling.

- Pull me up. - You weigh a ton.

Pull.

- Hold on, Marie-Ange. - I'm slipping.

- I'll smash to pieces. - Hold tight.

Bring back the elevator...

I didn't touch anything.

Shut up, Ther�se.

There you go, cramp. I'm slipping.

- Hold me tight, Pierre. - Don't go higher than third.

Quick, Pierre, do something.

Sweetie, come. Sweetie, where're you going?

- Stop the elevator. - Quick, do something.

Stop the elevator.

Press stop. Stop that elevator.

It's terrible. You'll be squashed.

Press the button. Press stop.

- Stop the elevator... - Is somebody there?

Stop. Press stop.

The red button, quick. The red button.

The red button...

We'll be squashed. Horrible.

Move it, Ther�se, or you'll punch.

Come here.

Sweetie...

Open up.

- Leave me alone. - I have to go badly.

Let me go first.

Open that door or I'll smash it in.

Stop it, you're hurting me.

- I can't keep it any longer. - I'll help you, Marie-Ange.

I'm going to f... that door.

- Open up. - Go away. You smell.

Open that door, damned.

Move. Open up the door.

- You hear, Josette? - Josette, open up.

But, are you out of your mind.

- Don't touch me, idiot. - Come back home.

That rabbit hole? Never again.

You're coming to cook for Christmas.

- What's that? - A rabbit. Quick.

- Will you calm down? - Ther�se... You're strangling me.

"Keep the others in mind...

...Please, don't consume all the warm water. "

- Let go. - You're hurting her.

You're hurting her.

I'm just splashing some water in her face.

I know her when she acts like that.

Are you ok, sweetie? She's very sensitive.

Sensitive? You asshole.

F�lix, get out. At once.

Yes, please. This is getting embarrassing.

- We're sorry, Mme Musquin. - Excuse us, Marie-Ange.

We're going to celebrate Christmas at home.

Never. He beats me black and blue.

I only punish you when you make mistakes.

Out of love.

He's lying. Last week he tried to push me in the garbage chute.

He tried to curl my hair with the soldering iron.

He pawned the TV and ate the ticket.

This is not the Salvation Army. Get out.

Don't you ever fight with your wife?

- Never with a soldering iron. - You're just no handyman.

- F�lix, she doesn't want to see you. - Impossible.

This morning we were in bed like to love birds.

F�lix, merry Christmas.

- You could have hurt him. - So much the better.

Sir, your behavior earlier was unforgivable.

- All the violence. - Calm. Ther�se, a towel.

Violence doesn't solve problems.

Let's get him to the pharmacy.

Fried eggs, alright. I don't need Christmas cake.

No, I'm coming right away.

- Mme Musquin... - Hold on, now what?

Stay a while. He's bleeding.

We're having someone look at it.

Alright, just five minutes.

Just throw that comedian out and call the cops.

He might die.

- The picture, Pierre. - Yes.

Hello, Marie-C�cile? Marie-C�cile?

- Mme Ther�se, are you leaving? - Yes.

Some other time, Mr Preskovitch.

A small mishap with an iron.

Too bad, because if you like dubbicu,

you'll like kloug with chestnut.

I'm calling the police, just wait.

How am I supposed to f... in

the ass if you don't cooperate?

- What's that? - You're not Ther�se?

What's your name

I'm Josette.

I'll turn you around, Josette

and I'll f... you in the ass.

And you'll blow me.

Some nerve, jerk?

F... you're own ass, asshole.

- Some police. - I shit on the police.

Give me that.

Excuse me, sir.

That was not a fellow worked. A misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding my ass you f... bitch.

You're very poetic. I didn't know those words.

Do go on. Insult me. That's why we're here.

And? You've stopped talking?

You were at f... bitch. What's next?

That'll teach them. Good, I'm getting the present.

What's left of them.

And above all don't touch that phone.

That kloug is not so light.

Santa Claus would have been easier.

My brain's leaning over. Put me down.

I won't make it to the pharmacy.

My legs stopped working.

Now what?

Not again. This is getting ridiculous.

I'm getting very angry.

There're limits.

What moron has pressed that button?

An elevator doesn't just start on its own.

The switch. The switch.

I'm coming, sweetheart.

I'm invited at Castel, so make it quick.

Leave those diapers alone.

You make me shy. All this trouble for me.

Quiet.

I've told you, I have to go to Castel.

- It's difficult with Josette. - Is it?

Disinfect, and everybody's gone.

Yes, I'm coming.

Much ado about nothing.

Is somebody there?

I can see you. Very clearly.

You can't care me. Go on, turn on the light.

I'm getting angry.

Is this SOS Friendship?

I'm spent. All the taxi drivers are drunk.

They don't take you.

And I've broken a heel. This last hour was terrible.

Damn it. That'll do. I'm no hospital.

Thank you, Mr Poinsot.

I was walking in the dark...

...and that guard thought I was a thief.

Fortunately the bullet...

...hit a bull's ass first.

But it was a trial for my tendons.

Must have been painful.

Damn right. And what's more

they didn't take good care of it.

The mobility of my fingers is gone

and the power.

Since that time I'm in court trying to get

a small pension from the army.

I've even tried suicide just to annoy them.

A huge injection in my veins.

14 days they gave me.

Reason: soiled the sheets.

If it's leaking, I'm right beneath the drop.

And it they take sweetie from me, it's over.

That's too bad, F�lix, but Mr Poinsot's in a hurry.

Sweetheart is waiting.

You're going home and leave Josette alone.

Give me some change. For a small bottle.

- No way. - I'm thirsty.

- Leave now. - Tell her to come home.

Before eight, or I'll drown myself.

- How much Mr Poinsot? - Nevermind.

- That's nice of you. - I'm putting an end to it.

How did this grease get on my jacket?

- How's that possible, Mr Poinsot? - Excuse me.

I can't go to the Christmas party...

...at Castel like this.

F�lix, are you mad?

What's this? It's not.. shit?

No, it's kloug.

- Stay there, or I'll take it all. - Stop it.

I don't understand this medicaid.

- Do you have kids? - Unfortunately not.

- Are you married? - Neither that.

You will. Every Jack just have his Jill.

OK, 25308... You see,

it's always the same with those forms.

They give you some number, and it doesn't fit in the squares.

- You're outside the squares. - Not enough room.

Do you have a professional activity? "That depends. "

Of course that's too long.

That's what I've been saying for an hour.

She thinks she's so smart.

- What's that. Zizette, widow X? - Z�zette, widow X.

In the fine print is written:

married women or widows enter maiden name,

than two dots, spouse X or widow Y.

So you're married with X?

How can I say I don't have a husband...

...with a belly like this?

- Occupation husband? - You have to write something.

- Write whatever you want. - Street cleaner, ok?

Why not garbage man? Are you creasy or what?

No, something else. Write down.. office guy.

Somebody who works in the office.

- You mean servant? - No no, they serve.

- Idiot. - Lets keep it polite.

I'm helping you. And I need help myself.

You've crossed stuff out, stupid broad.

What's that retarded thing saying?

That's what I'll do to your paper.

The tramp wanted to break my foot.

You're exaggerating.

The fuses blew again.

What's going on?

It's horrifying.

Disgusting.

- Where's Ther�se? - Inside with F�lix.

He wanted to kill himself.

Using three boxes of pills

and two liters hair lotion.

He threw up three times already.

It's a sham, Ther�se.

- The pharmacist says he'll be OK. - Josette, go back.

No. It's dark there.

And your colleague's stuck again.

- She's screaming and roaring. - Mme Musquin? Madness.

And a very rude man called who wanted to f... Ther�se.

- It's a friend. - Alright then.

You should not touch those wires.

Be calm, Genevi�ve.

- Are you OK? - Quite.

What you did was very dangerous.

- What happened, Marie-Ange? - I've touched two wires.

Three phases even.

I'm OK. I'm not made of candy.

They're waiting for me in Cr�teil.

I have to hurry.

Mme Musquin? Aren't you going to the cellar?

That's correct. Let's go. To Cr�teil.

Merry Christmas, Pierre. To Cr�teil.

- I'll check the circuit breakers. - You do that.

- Is somebody there? - Yes, in the dark.

Have been for 15 minutes. I was about to leave.

- You were waiting for me? - Didn't I talk to you?

But of course, yes.

I'm getting a candle.

Indeed. But of course.

So you were the one who called me?

Right. I'm in luck.

Walk on. There's nothing to see here.

Santa Claus, terrible.

I hit him because he was getting aggressive.

When he regained consciousness...

...he attacked that lady.

And I've caught the blows for Josette.

I thought it would be better for the little one.

I pushed him in the baby food,

he threw the scales to me.

And then I got really angry.

You're not comfortable. It's because of my voice.

Albert Simon's voice also didn't match his body.

Like me.

A no good voice and a no good body

I'm no good.

So you know Albert Simon.

Vaguely. I've met him in a night club.

I happened to be in the Azores with my parents.

We went to eat gazpacho at night.

- That stuff with the red beans. - Chili con carne.

- Here we go again. - Right, chili con carne.

That's how we ended up in Dandy's in Nice.

- Do you Dandy's? - No, I don't know Dandy's.

Highly overrated by the way.

The DJ was the cousin of somebody...

...who works for my mother. How vulgar.

Why am I telling you all this?

- Just go on. - Very nice, that candle.

Imagine it gets dark again.

You don't like the way I'm telling the story.

On the contrary. You've described...

...that night in Dandy's with class.

- With whom? - "With class", it's an expression.

You see?

I want to be funny, but it's no good.

Ah, with brio. That's a good one.

A very good one.

No, too late.

The same goes for dancing.

Nobody wants to dance with me,

because I have large feet.

So I dance alone.

That's where you're wrong.

I will entrust you with one more...

...thing before you leave.

Myself, I dance terribly,

but I still dance wherever I can.

And you know why?

I don't care what other people think.

That's what you should do too.

Thank you, Mr Mortez.

Would you mind dancing with me?

Not at all. I wouldn't know why I'd mind.

Do you have some music here?

Just a small pick-up. On batteries.

Violence on a night like this...

Even wars stop on Christmas eve.

Come, quickly. Pierre's alone at work.

Tonight of all nights.

He gave me such a beautiful gift...

...and I'm being a nuisance.

Although it's your fault what happened tonight.

Thanks to F�lix, Santa is a piece of crap.

Know what,

we'll bring some oysters for him.

He has a sweet tooth.

Can we have a basket? With a white wine.

Ther�se, you fancy Pierre, don't you?

What makes you think that?

I can feel it when two people are in love.

But no.

We're working with the same philosophy.

It creates a relationship based on mutual respect and...

Does he has a big one, you think?

Do you think he has a big penis?

You don't talk about this in front of other people.

Then he probably has a small one.

Not at all.

He probably has a nor... What are you making me say.

Come on, we're going back.

Can you give me the oysters?

I put it on Mme SOS?

F�lix has a huge penis.

- Just church music. - That's very good.

- A nice slow. - Perfect.

- Do you like this genre? - The singing is good.

Some people are good singers but moderate dancers.

I'm sensitive to tickling.

Don't take it the wrong way. Even with...

In brief, I'm sensitive. Come.

I bet it seems strange, us two dancing here, alone.

Fortunately we have that candle.

You're not feeling comfortable.

No. We have many contacts. Even communists.

That'll cost me a taxi ride.

- 74 francs entrance for two. - That's quite something.

And then you're hot and start to drink, you know?

You dance a while and drink again.

Before you know it you've spent 160 francs.

And if you bring two friends, it'll be even more expensive.

But rather expensive than.. nothing.

You know, sometimes it's better to dance in a chilly place.

F�lix is dying.

You gave him a shot, just like Lupus.

Lupus, the dog of my brother in Marseille.

He bit.

That shot was to calm him down.

He will sleep tight for 24 hours...

...and will wake up fresh in the morning.

You can't be that dumb.

- But she's upstairs. - Who?

Mortez's bird. Here. Some guts.

They're dancing there.

You didn't see that coming, did you?

I didn't say anything,

because it's Christmas, but I will.

I'm leaving. Don't forget,

when a man is late, he had a date.

My man turned into an idiot.

- Mr Mortez, you feel tense. - No, no.

I'm not stepping on your toes I hope?

No, no.

Let go of me, perverted fag. Slut.

Pardon. I don't know what happened to me.

I lost it.

Don't I have the right to be different?

You do, you do.

I fell for it again. Thanks for your support.

Come on, please, a bit of humor.

Pierre?

Josette, take it to the kitchen. We're opening them.

- Pierre, did you receive visitors? - Visitors? Me? No.

- I thought I ran into someone. - Did you?

Right.

Lupus was a dog that was thrown out by the police.

When my brother came out of jail,

we picked him up at the station,

but Lupus bit a steak like this out of'm.

Shut up.

You won't sink. You'll be surface again soon.

It's a metaphor, sir.

Ther�se, this Gew�rztraminer is alright,

but not with oysters.

It's pretty drinkable with ice cubes.

It's really drinkable.

I'll get it, Pierre.

Yes, she makes mistakes too.

Good evening. Is Pierre still here?

The fag forget her lighter.

Can you call me back later?

No, I won't hang up.

Where did it go?

Probably fell when we were dancing.

Did you dance, Mr Pierre?

Here it is.

- See you, Pierre. - It's not all black.

- Thanks for all the warmth. - There's a lot of gray.

- I'm not screaming, sir. - Pierre, your friend is crying.

She's not my friend.

You can have any friend you want.

I'm nobody's friend. He's right.

Pierre, go to your friend.

Let go. She's not my friend, I told you.

It's just some person who wanted...

...to dance in the dark.

And furthermore he's changed teams.

Changed teams, fool.

I'm just lonely, looking for some comfort.

You are just too narrow minded to give that to me.

You're a big dope from head to ass.

A lot is going on, sir.

If you're not a broad with boobs like grenades,

you're nothing.

So I have hair beneath make-up,

but I want to live too.

Damn it.

Some guts. Straight into the oysters.

Ther�se, this is getting ridiculous.

No sir, that's extortion.

Pierre, go make up with your friend.

She's not my friend. Period.

At least she's not you girlfriend,

but don't be too cruel.

It's OK!

Charity is meant for everybody.

And homosexuals are people like all others.

Many of them are really refined.

Like Proust, Gide...

To hell with love. Watch it, wet spot op front.

This cheese is smelly. Like the backstage in Alcazar.

Are you sure Proust was gay, Ther�se?

"A little bird and a fish were in love,"

"but how to do it in the air?"

I'm glad you're here. Ther�se is boring.

"just like a boy I wear a reefer. "

- Welcome. - Watch out. Hot.

I managed to save it. Straight out of the oven.

- Ah, a Christmas cake? - No, kloug.

No, we've finished dinner and these people are just leaving.

We have to leave without a dessert?

I want a dessert.

We can spare five minutes. Nobody will call now.

This isn't the same kloug as a moment ago, is it?

I've sealed it up with chpotzi.

- How many are we? - Not for me, thanks.

- Pierre... - OK, just a little.

Sure, let it seduce you.

The cake has farted.

- What's that smell? - Smells like smelly bomb.

It's not nice, that's true.

Chpotzi's ferment.

When they heat up they release odors.

So it's like a cesspit.

On second thought I'll pass. I'm too fat anyway.

Usually, when something smells strong, it's very tasty.

Lung stew smells too.

I broke the knife. The inside is hard like rock.

If we could put it in the fridge, it would be hard all over.

Great idea, Preskovitch, take it back and eat.. fix it.

Our refrigerator is broken.

- No it isn't, Pierre. - Oh it is, Ther�se.

Let's do him this favor.

- Or maybe on the windowsill? - Great idea.

There's a breeze outside.

Open up, so it can ventilate.

- Be careful. - I'm not crazy, Josette.

How silly. I've been clumsy.

- What's happened? - It flew away.

Go sweep it up. A dog good get sick eating it.

I mean, from the pieces of glass.

I will leave my name on the windshield.

Yes, damaging a car and walking away is not done, is it?

- I will return this things right away. - No need to hurry, Mr Presko.

Can I talk to Paul-Andr�? I'll hold.

You're not ashamed at all, are you.

I'd rather hold than calling back.

- Can I ask you something, Mr Pierre? - Now what?

Can I have the oyster shells? To make ashtrays.

Of course, Josette. Consider it my Christmas present.

Well, it makes me very happy.

You're welcome, Josette. Nice and tidy.

And now a kiss.

Paul-Andr�? Merry Christmas, cutie. Guess who. Katia.

"a little fish and a bird... " It wasn't that long ago, was it?

I've been wanting to call for some time...

...but now I got the chance.

No, with some people.

- Josette, what are you doing? - Pierre gave them.

Disgusting. What's the matter with you?

Through it in the wastebasket.

Take the basket as well, Josette. As a bag.

- But Pierre... - It makes her happy.

- What's the time there? - Clean up and back home.

Imagine that, palm trees here in Paris.

You should see me, as pale as a bidet.

- If I could, I'd come right away. - Who's stopping you.

Do you have any idea what a ticket costs?

Don't know him. Is Loulou still with you?

I'm afraid he's calling long distance.

To lunch? So what's the time over there?

Here it's two AM.

- Where is he calling to? - Tahiti.

Say hello for me.

- Are you crazy? - I was sad and made a call.

You're repaying our hospitality with overseas calls?

- I that's Presko, throw him out. - He's returning the bucket.

And you... Get lost.

I'm leaving.

F�lix...

- Sweetie, come. - No, never again.

F�lix, put that toy away.

Be careful, It's not a toy.

Santa Claus, I'm just a depressed person on my way through.

I'm at my wits end, but I'm leaving.

Shut up. And stay there.

I'll shoot you if you don't come with me.

I'd rather die.

I'll shoot the fat one instead.

What did I do to end up in this madhouse.

There are other women. Why don't you take Ther�se.

I want sweetie, not the ugly one.

Ther�se isn't ugly.

She doesn't have an easy physique, that's all.

Besides, she's is very smart. And a social assistant.

Sit down, blunderbuss.

And now it's serious.

You're coming with me or I'll shoot you...

...and the others.

Shoot everybody, I don't care.

Josette, we'll get nowhere unless you do something.

F�lix is probably very charming and intelligent.

At least do it for us.

Josette, there are times when you take and times to give.

Come on, give it a shot.

I know what you're up to.

You're trying to get rid of me. Thanks a lot, Ther�se.

The rats are leaving the ship.

Yes, you're the only courageous one.

You wouldn't shoot a woman who bears life

Move it.

You don't have the guts to do it.

You're hideous, but you have a good heart.

Give me the gun, F�lix. It'll make things so easy.

- Or are you a piece of crap? - Let go, you fat tart.

He shot me in my foot.

You're a piece of crap, F�lix.

And now it's my fault too.

The gun went off of its own.

Terrible, I'm bleeding.

I'm lost. I can feel the bleeding. Call my mother, 7450950.

Don't amputate it just yet.

- I want to cut off the boot. - I demand a doctor.

- I'll do it. - It's nothing but a scratch.

- And you, put that thing away. - Give me that gun.

You'd better empty the magazine.

- Josette, cut it out. - Stay away.

Give me back that gun at once, sweetie.

Stop it.

What's going on?

Now it won't hurt any other persons.

Give me that.

The elevator repair guy.

The elevator was working anyway.

And again it's SOS Friendship waking everybody up.

Sorry!

One more firecracker and I'm coming up.

They're all gone, it's finished.

What's going on, Mr Lebl�?

Again those troublemakers on the fifth floor.

Not so fast.

What's going on?

F�lix, I'm telling you, if you've killed them all.

- Josette... - Nothing.

So come here, I'm pining away.

This is a catastrophe, Ther�se.

I'm calling the precinct.

They can't help. He's dead anyway.

Then we'll be in serious trouble. Especially Josette.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Come quick. Quickly, I'm bleeding to death.

- Pierre, he's dead. - Shit happens.

You've called the police, please hold.

Pierre, I can't breath. I'm suffocating.

I'm sweating from all my pores.

I'm frozen inside. And I'm hot...

Calm, Ther�se. It's a disaster. Here.

Nerves! Put her head under the faucet.

But not like the kittens that they drown in the toilet.

Quickly. I've stopped the bleeding. Two pounds of cotton wool.

Wait a minute, he's working on Ther�se.

It's not like I'm asking something impossible...

Here we go. Relax now.

It hurts so much...

You won't report me, right?

If you do, the little one will be born in jail.

No. Don't worry, Josette.

Bandage, damn it.

I'll get it myself.

Go look at his foot, Pierre. Take care of him first.

Don't pay attention to me.

- What's the matter with you? - My nose, moron.

Behave yourself. I'm here to help you.

What's that guy doing?

Hold this.

Are you crazy? What are you doing?

I'm going to hide him, downstairs.

Put that back. Isn't it bad enough as it is?

We just put him under a car.

You won't get away with this, F�lix.

I just wanted to help. What else should we do with him?

Don't touch a thing. I'm calling the police.

You knew I was standing behind the door.

I hate you, Mortez.

- What's your problem? - I'm mutilated.

My nose is twice as big.

I'm going to clean it. It might hurt a little.

It hurts, doesn't it? I know it's unbearable.

You're a sadist. You like to see people suffer.

There's nothing there. Just a scratch.

Just make the bandage.

Are you vaccinated against tetanus?

Against everything.

I've never been this close to death.

Yeah, you could have been less lucky.

What could be worse than taking a bullet in your foot?

Actually, it's a nice way to die.

Some people are sick for 15 years.

Maybe we did him a service.

You're shaking like an old tart.

In the kitchen cupboard...

...next to the sink...

...is a bottle of Fernet-Branca. Bring me a drop.

- Are you OK? - It's less painful.

You know hot to bandage.

After four years at the Red Cross.

- F�lix, open up. - Occupied.

Open up. Ther�se wants a drink.

- What do you want? - Wow, nice job.

- Do you have a better idea? - They won't report us.

Yeah, right. That bunch of rats. They'll betray us both.

No, we'll cut him up and throw him in the Seine.

- You're so smart. - Come.

What's with the floor cloth?

A person doesn't always think before he talks.

I've said some things earlier that I no longer mean.

- Pierre, quick. - Hold on.

You go boy.

Pierre, I'm not feeling good. I'm cold. Pierre, help me.

But, I can't...

I feel I going to faint, Pierre.

- Put this on and get out. - I can't.

I'm tensing up. Rub over my back.

I'm so stressed. Rub harder, It makes me feel better.

The bosom. the bosom...

I'm sorry, Pierre, but it just feels so good.

But what if people call.

That would be disastrous. Harder, harder.

Sure! holddown

Don't worry. This goes in the trash can.

Look for a hacksaw.

The moron can't even put a bandage straight.

Ther�se, F�lix needs a hacksaw.

It's so hot here, I'm suffocating.

He's showing her his dick.

Josette, help me. The bandage is jammed.

Obviously, he wrapped you up like an infant.

Go easy on me.

You're hurting me, crazy woman.

Are you getting anywhere?

What did I ask you?

- What do you have there? - Nothing. Come on.

F�lix, there are stil those tools of that sir.

But Pierre, what if we're called...

A disaster. Ther�se, we should pick up the receiver.

Yes, yes. Pick up the receiver. And when people call.

The phone will be occupied. Occupied...

Keep him still. I'll cut my own fingers off.

Stop, you're sawing in the table.

Now to wrap it up.

Not everything will fit in there. The head will, but...

There are some cooking pots there.

What's that? A rabbit. That's the limit.

Look, and a nice shade of blue too.

- The door, damned. - You're dropping stuff.

Now the shoes. Give me another box.

- What a catastrophe. Bravo. - I can't get it to fit.

Push it.

So. You should have made smaller pieces.

Josette, I've borrowed your apr�s-ski shoes.

They're ugly, but comfortable.

What a waste of gift-wrappings.

Give me some wine.

Josette...

The door, damned.

You nearly crushed my fingers.

- There's nothing to see here. - I want a glass of water.

- Bathroom. - F�lix, this is not funny.

First, you shatter my foot, and now you almost split my hand.

- I've had it with you. - Get lost.

Watch it now. Watch it. I'm getting fed up.

Occupied.

It's occupied...

Pierre?

It's occupied. Of course it's occupied...

Pierre, we're being watched.

SOS Friendship?

- No, they're busy. - How's that?

They don't care about poor souls like us.

- Are they gone? - No, they're fucking.

- Then they're in luck. - Sure, they're in luck.

- Who was that? - None of your business.

- Where are you going? - To the police.

I'm going to tell them how you tortured me. You pig.

I don't know what came over me. It's a disaster.

No, I didn't feel a thing.

It's a disaster.

Josette will be wrongfully persecuted.

That's a disaster, yes.

Josette... What's up with him?

He got a bang on the ear, from F�lix.

Ther�se and I have discussed and we've concluded...

Josette, I don't have four arms you know.

F�lix, this concerns you too. Listen, both.

I will go to jail instead of Josette.

So I'm sacrificing myself.

They won't believe it was an accident, not with your background.

It's more plausible in my case. At least I hope.

With my fingerprints on the gun.

Do you have any idea how I'm sacrificing myself for you?

I will tell them that I pulled the trigger.

I don't think you still have to do that.

It's been decided. But what happened to the corps?

We got it all. Well counted.

The packages are done. Now to get rid of them.

F�lix cut him up in pieces and put them in Christmas packages.

Pretty smart, ey?

- Josette, where's the corps? - There.

We've been explaining for an hour what the plan is.

But that's monstrous. It's horrifying, Ther�se.

They've cut him to pieces.

And have put those in packets. Look, there's the arm.

- I knew he was going to yell. - That's not funny, Pierre.

I was willing to report myself, but not for this...

I'm cold, Pierre. - Not again.

Don't hit her, she didn't do anything.

If you don't like it, just stick the pieces back together.

Everything is messed up though.

No sticking together, I'm going to the precinct.

Tell them about your butchering.

And you think they'll believe you? That you let this happen?

Why don't you tell them what you were doing with Ther�se.

The police will die laughing.

Nice publicity for SOS Friendship. Just go to the police.

You're a piece of crap.

They've wasted the transvestite too.

This nightmare has to end.

Call the police. Call the police.

There's another unit.

When I heard the firecrackers, I came by.

Am I disturbing? You're handing out gifts.

Hands off, idiot. Those are no gifts, but packages...

...which we'll hand out, together with Ther�se.

- Christmas in Fleury-M�rogis. - Start loading up.

- It's starts to smell. - Gimme that. That belongs to us.

I wanted to rejoice you with some Christmas chants.

Listen up, you're getting on our nerves.

Go back to your country and leave us alone.

And remove your finger.

- It's a disaster, Ther�se. - Now what, Pierre?

Eat up. Come on, eat it up.

Make sure you get it.

Move it. Move.

Let's eat.

- I want to give a present too. - It's man's job.

Come on, let's eat.

Fascinating.

It's working. To the lions. Have the leopards finished yet?

Yes, they've consumed everything.

Don't give everything to the same ones.

Let's go, little ones. Let's go, lions.

Bravo, king of the wild.

What am I doing here?

You awake? So, get lost.

You beat me up, shoot me down. what have I done to you?

Get lost.

Don't you think you should be going?

- What are you doing? - Presents for the animals.

That's not allowed. It's prohibited to feed the animals.

It says so right there.

Shut up, or I'll throw you to the lions.

And now on to the bears.

Help me take that big one.

Sure, help the animals instead of the people.

Idiots. Anyway, I'll share in the fun.

For you. Merry Christmas, giraffes. Here I come, baboons.

Hey, what's he doing? What is he doing?

Ther�se, let's go.

I'm so exhausted.

Stop that.

Merry Christmas, monkeys.

Stop it. That guy's crazy.

- Are you out of your mind? - Why not the monkeys?

Why make any exceptions?

Because they don't eat this kind of present.

I've been wanting to do that for a long time.

Merry Christmas, F�lix.

What did he do?

Pierre, we have to get those packages back.

F�lix, you take care of the monkeys. I do the giraffes, because I'm taller.

Taxi. My luck, on an ill-fated time like this.

Thanks a lot. Talk about solidarity.

Beware of that gray one. Just punch him.

Where did Pierre go?

- Pierre, what are you doing? - Watch how beautiful. Nature.

How embarrassing. How can you keep watching that.

The rabbit was watching us too.

Stupid monkey. I'm coming back for your skin. For jackets.

And some socks for the little one. Nice and warm.

Hurry up.

You're not coming with us. I have to paint my car.

- That's not nice, F�lix. - Forget it. We'll take bus 86.

See you later, guys. Thanks for the evening.

And for the oysters.

Ther�se, are you working on New Year's Eve?

- You mean the 31st? - Yeah, the day before the first.

Right, the day before the first.

Well, Mortez, have you forgotten your girlfriend?

Leave us alone. You're so sticky.

Leave us alone. Cut it out.

Go home.

That's our bus.

Wait, I can't move that fast.

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