Original subtitles

She is gorgeous!

Leave me! Francesca, I'm here!

Wait for me!

- Watch out, Signor! - Leave me alone! Francesca, I'm coming for you!

I'm all yours!

Treasure! My treasure! Rather! Rather!

These damn suspenders!

Wait, I'm coming! I'm coming!

Hello! Call a doctor, please. Thank!

Operator?

Please connect with the number 25-46. I am waiting.

Nicky? When we get married?

I say when will we get married?

Soon, baby, soon.

And how soon, Nicky?

- It must be a telephone. - kidding me.

Hello. Parker?

This is Parker.

Hi, Parker.

In short. Events unfold much faster than we expected, sir.

- Can not be! When? “About 10 minutes ago, sir.”

The plane takes off from Nice at 4 Hours to book tickets?

Of course, I pack my bags immediately.

Again.

“Well then, goodbye, Parker.” “Bon voyage, sir.”

For sure. Kuku, old man.

I noticed an interesting thing. as soon as i I will talk about marriage, the phone immediately rings.

And really, because you are absolutely right

I promise, baby, this time everything. I do not need it. Where are my shirts?

If I do this business, we will have money so much that we will not count the money, but weigh.

- You always run away somewhere. - What to do, work. Where are my shirts?

And in general, it is time to get used to it.

What is it like to live with sailor, what do you think?

I do not know, I never lived with a sailor. Where are my shirts?

“You promise too much, Nick.” “I know, but these are sweaters, and where are shirts?”

Just shirts.

Nicky, in general, I want to warn you that when you come back, I will not be here already.

I like them, but only These are not shirts, but ties.

- Can you hear me? - I can hear everything perfectly. Where are the shirts?

- Am I so lousy party? - Not at all.

You are awesome and i am crazy about you

Here are the shirts, I need the shirts.

TONY KERTIS

Rozanna Schiaffino

in film ARRIVEDERCI, BABY!

LIONEL JEFFRIS

ЖА ЖА ГАБОР other

as well as a guest star Nancy Quahn in the role of Baby

scenario KENA HUZA

producer KEN HUGHES

Have you not noticed the red light?

Just worth noting it once, like have to stop all the time.

Nick, I love you.

And I love you, baby. Until.

Until.

I'll wait for you.

Happily. And beware of the red light.

Underlying requirements to a high scammer:

he must look good be good dressed attractive

well mannered women and be completely unscrupulous.

I must state with satisfaction that I fully comply with all these requirements.

My name is Nick Johnson, Crumby, O'Hara, Stark,

and on occasion, and Schwartz.

By profession I am a murderer of women.

How many can remember, women are always played a big role in my life.

Even in childhood, in orphanage.

Orphanage Glyndale, founded in 1906.

Joe, stop it!

- Hi, Gladys. - Nicky!

Want some smoke?

- Now come! - OK OK!

I was, so to speak, professional orphan.

Business of selecting the right parents It seemed to me a very serious matter.

So I decided not to rush.

On the first day of each month potential parents came to see us.

I would not trust the majority of the dog, let alone already about such a tender and vulnerable child like me.

Until finally one day ...

she did not appear.

Cute, lonely and properly packed.

Nick, get away from the window.

What a cute, charming young man, hello, son.

So ... what's your name, young man?

Nicholas, ma'am.

- What a good name. - This is Mrs. Waldoff.

My compliments, Mrs. Waldoff.

So how old are you, Nicholas?

I am 16 years old.

This...

- And what is your name, young man? - John Mills.

Johnny, and how old are you, Johnny?

Stand still, my dear.

- Sorry, ma'am. - What's the matter, young man?

You dropped your wallet.

What a wonderful boy.

Here's a dollar for you, honey.

Why, my boy?

This is alms, all life I see only alms.

I'm so tired of alms, but I want to find a house.

Why is there always only one charity ...

You'll love the house Niki, this is a very beautiful house.

On the ocean, there is boats, do you like boats?

And we have a lawn, and dog, and much more.

And generally, call me Aunt Miriam.

Aunt Miriam pressed me to her chest like poor and all abandoned child.

Kind soul she lived in the world now already forgotten luxury and sophistication.

From her late husband, a naval officer and a good person she inherited

softness

tenderness

kindness

and 100,000 dollars.

What made life even more pleasant for both of us.

Surprise, my dear, in your first day in this house.

- Thank. - It's my pleasure.

Resolve, Aunt Miriam.

Aunt's greatest joy Miriam was playing the harp and singing.

And at least a few months we enjoyed a quiet serene life.

AND...

"Nightingale". In China, like you know well

Chinese emperor and around He, too, completely Chinese.

The story I'm going to tell you happened many years ago, at that very ...

Merry Christmas, Nicholas!

Thank you, aunt!

And happy New Year!

Babe Ruth, that is necessary!

Nicholas!

But as always in my life, whatever i do, everything went awry.

What did you see there?

Grader.

And what are they mining there, Nicholas?

- Dirt scoop. - What a nightmare.

And who just wants to fill mud own ship.

Come on, Nicholas, it's time to drink tea.

This grader seemed to me some kind of bad omen.

I apologize.

Well, who else is there?

I'll open.

Sorry to bother you, ma'am, but not yours voice we had the pleasure of just hearing?

Yes my

Charming.

Gentleman from the fleet, what an event.

Captain Daniel O'Flannery, ma'am, master of the grader platform number 707 assigned to the port of New York at your service.

I'm here to stand all day and listen to your chatter?

Shut up immediately. We need drinking water, is there a source nearby?

The well is located behind the house.

Behind the house. Heard what the lady said, live!

Hope we didn't disturb you, ma'am?

What do you! Do not want to come to us?

Thousand thanks.

We were just about to drink tea.

Tea? What could be more beautiful than tea.

What a great chance ...

Captain, this is my late husband.

Would you like some tea?

Milk, sugar?

The captain gave a side salvo of all guns on the fragile ship Miriam.

Days of serenity have come to an end.

Our happy intimacy with aunt Miriam is gone forever.

I realized one thing, so that we again settled world, a brave captain must go.

... under the moon, I'll show it all to you.

My charming lady!

Goodbye, honey, goodbye!

Goodbye my hero!

Come back soon!

Everything was in accordance with maritime traditions

the brave captain did not leave the ship right up to the most tragic end.

But the world has not returned in the aunt's house.

Aunt was inconsolable and burned out like a candle.

If only I had gone then with him!

If ... Why did he leave me alone? ..

... return my dear to me ...

... return my dear to me ...

Aunt reunited with her lover captain, leaving me a house and $ 50,000,

for which i will always feel myself indebted to her.

- How is the villa? - You will like it, sir.

Fine.

Here are warm spiritual people.

Welcome to Rome, sir.

I suppose madam in upset, sir?

All just radiates grief.

- How hard it is for you. - Yes, just very hard.

- Did you apply to the bank? - Yes, sir, 50,000 Swiss francs in the morning transferred to a local bank.

- 50.000? - There is a big operation.

- How much per day? - 10 dollars 58 cents.

- This is not enough for a cigar. - Even the cheapest.

So, your passport, driving right, everything is as it should be.

Nick Johnson, a millionaire from Philadelphia, hotels, oil fields, air transportation.

Great, Parker. What would I do without you.

“It makes one shiver at that thought, sir.” - And me too.

- Very nice, very. “Glad you liked it, sir.”

- And where is this ... - Here you are, sir.

Oh, here she is.

- Pretty. - Excellent place.

I rate the estate by current prices of about 8 million lire.

Government Securities for 750.000 dollars, it is tax free, naturally.

The share in the shipping company is half a million dollars, income from real estate 750.000 dollars.

Very weak.

Yes sir italian Baroque new style.

So, after deducting all taxes and current payments, I would rate everything the state of the late graph is somewhere around $ 10 million, sir.

It's very beautiful here.

In short, the Countess gets all the money. Do you have any relatives?

The count has a brother Maximilian, he is not I do not like it, but there's nothing you can do.

“We know what to do in such cases.” “Maybe he knows too, sir.”

Parker, if we do this, then we can safely retire.

That's right, sir.

- Penthouse in Manhattan. - Pub in Essex.

Francesca de Rienzi, born in Naples in 1933, the maiden name Gottini.

- Relatives? - There are no relatives.

- What were you doing? - The working class, worked in the laundry, the maid at the hotel.

There, in fact, met her husband, brought morning breakfast and stayed, as they say, for lunch.

- How many were married? “An hour and forty minutes, sir.”

- When is the funeral? - The day after tomorrow.

- He will not make himself wait. “The weather is hot, sir, you won't be lying here for long.”

Very sad sir married At three, I blinked at five.

One could not even leave church, if so estimate.

So what is the Countess?

Young, rich and beautiful, loves money.

What else?

He also likes dancing, swimming and water skiing.

That is an active lifestyle.

- Loves sports cars. - and despises men.

- Strong personality, sir. - That is, we have to be courageous and so on.

And yet, it has its own library, and there are books by Balzac, Cocteau and Frad.

- Frad? - So it is written, sir.

This is Freud.

- Thank you sir. - Anything else?

No, sir, everything seems to be.

- That is all this? - Yes all.

So what should I do, knock and say i came to steal your money?

We need at least some approach What do you suggest, for example?

How about the old version that I admire your home and would like to write a picture with him?

I know. I was born here and wanted would watch your nursery.

Just a minute. There is an option that can open up excellent prospects.

Which one

While I was carrying out external observation, from my attention did not escape the fact that here

in a sense, tricks lead.

- kidding me? - Not at all. And more than that.

Now just time has come tinker.

Below is a french window.

Down below...

What is it?

This is your leg, sir.

Now attention.

Here begins the tricks.

Inescapable lover, sir.

- Who is he? - Romano, chauffeur, and I'm afraid of the real ladies man.

The situation opens up excellent opportunities, Parker.

- Signor! - Yes.

You telegram.

- To me? - Yes.

A curse!

Damn her!

Stupid as he pulled from the place that did you write in this telegram?

Just that his wife in Milan, waiting for a child.

- And he was so happy about that? - Of course. After all, he was not in Milan for half a year.

Do not forget, sir, as you enter, through the hall on the left, up the stairs the first door on the left.

- Got it. What else? “Nothing, sir, that's all.”

Good luck sir.

Romano! Has anyone seen you?

- Yes! - Yes?! - Oh, no, no!

- Dear... - Yes?

- Oh, my Romano! - Yes.

My beautiful Romano!

I'm listening.

Yes, Milan, thank you.

Francesca! Hello, my love! I am from Milan.

- Speak. - This is Romano.

Yes, Romano.

Romano ?!

There is no animal more vulnerable on earth, than a woman obsessed with curiosity.

The first lesson from Nick Johnson. How to catch a woman without making much effort.

Precisely curiosity overpowered my first wife.

Slurry.

I first met Gigue in a casino in Cannes.

I had the last 50 francs.

The possibility of profit always attracts casino visitors. I'm not a player at all.

And the worst way to do casino money is to sit down at the gaming table.

As soon as I saw her, I realized that it is meant for me.

Martini.

Are you lucky today, as I understand it? What will you drink?

Martini.

Please two martinis. What is your name?

- Slurry. - My name is Nick.

- Why whisper? - I have a terrible laryngitis.

You must have caught a cold because of your ice floes.

- For you. - Thank.

He is such a bore. All night playing at the table.

I love men playing all night, but not at the table.

My Alfa Romeo is parked near, golden color.

Wait for me there.

I'll tell you now how I chose winning numbers at the table.

Although perhaps I changed my mind.

Zhizha and I celebrated our wedding in a truly Hungarian style.

All four of her ex husband came to say goodbye.

Like four children.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

- Cream, sir? - No, uh ...

My name is Parker, sir.

Nicky, where are you?

What is it?

This is madam, sir. It seems we are getting better. I'm sorry, sir.

Nicky, I have great news, just great.

This is so great!

- What is great? - My voice! I woke up and can talk!

I need to tell you so much! I love you, I adore you.

And I'm so hungry. Parker, bring the eggs, toast, coffee and something else.

I love you honey. And also, Parker, black bread and green pepper.

My dear you probably starving too.

Parker, bring sausages, cheese, apples.

No, Parker, I changed my mind. Bring two grapefruit and coffee.

My dear, you need to lead a healthy lifestyle. Here is my the second husband practiced yoga, sat all day on the floor.

Here, sir, have a drink.

... and all the time I thought him and asked what exactly he was thinking.

Honey, this is the best honey month in my life, and what do you say?

Listen, this is the most fantastic letter.

This is from my friend Ingrid, she charming, you will like it very much.

We were finishing school together, although she and finished it much earlier than me.

Married as a millionaire, although such a simple girl. And my mother says that only simple girls get millionaires.

Nicky, do you know what day it is? Anniversary weddings, we are already married all day.

All men have the same problem they never remember anniversaries.

What a wonderful wedding it was, no wonder I persuaded you, although she could not speak.

Dear but i have nothing about you I know, tell me a little about yourself.

Have you ever been married? I will not be jealous.

Parker, bring more a bottle of champagne.

Nicky? He decided to swim, what Great idea, I'm already coming, my dear.

Nicky, wait for me.

Only simple girls get millionaires. My mom always said ...

Niki, do you know what time it is in Rio? 4 am, in Rio, no one sleeps.

They all sing the night away, there is so much fun, dear.

What's the matter? Honey, I have a great idea. We are flying to Rio tomorrow.

How will it be fun there such wonderful people.

I seem married to some sort of celebrity.

It was a relief to learn that she was invited to Germany at the opening of some rocket range.

- Welcome! - Thank!

Hello!

We are very happy to see you, please follow me.

- How many husbands have you had? - In a sense other than mine?

Are you speak Doutch?

- Not. - Excuse me.

- Why did you divorce your last husband? - I wanted to fly into space.

... fully loaded 40,000 pounds.

- You know, you have such a charming wife. - Thank.

You are a very happy man, Mr. Lamor.

Thank you, corporal. Forget it.

Allow me to introduce, our senior technician.

Well, we are upstairs, Mr Lamore, be careful.

This is our brain center, in a sense.

It's like a brain, you can say. I ask here.

Drogoy, what happened to you?

Slurry, there is some kind of siren, you have to go.

But this can be ...

Slurry, how many can you call?

I went to the elevator.

Nicky, where are you? Open the door, Nicky!

Do not panic.

Nicky, can you hear me?

Nicky, where are you?

Mr. Lamore, rather, we have little time.

Although you can fly if you want.

Nicky, if you don't open the door, I with you no longer talk.

Now we make the red shut up!

Sorry sir.

Where is madam?

Parker, in two words.

“Where is your charming wife?” - I went to the toilet. Aufvijderzeen.

- Hans! - Yes?

- What is it? - Dear! Dear!

Safely launching Slush into orbit, Parker and I it dawned that we found a terrific way to make money.

Like true professionals, we reacted to the matter seriously.

There is nothing.

- And here, sir? - Are you kidding me?

Just look at her.

- And how is this? Worth a couple of million. “I like this one more.”

What do you know about Fenella Fenton?

Oh, Fenton, sir, this is the representative. higher layers of English society.

My second wife, the Honorable Lady Fenel Fenton, was even more thoroughbred than her own horse.

Her father, the late Lord Fenton, died at Monday, leaving my daughter everything.

Parker and I arrived in England on Tuesday.

Good morning, Fenel.

“There you are, baby, I called you four times last week.” - Really, dear?

- You know, I'm crazy without you. - Really? How cute. And who is this young man?

Super mourning, type.

Hey.

What a delightful young man.

Uninvited guest in my opinion.

But I think he's amazing.

What with this figure is he went crazy or what?

- He chased the fox. - Can not be.

Yes exactly. Behind him!

Here is how.

Parker, fox!

Here I am.

What a great copy.

What are you doing here?

I'm telling you, Fenela, this a guy from somewhere.

- I did not hear your name, Mr. ... - Nicholas Crombie, my lady.

I like men, Mr. Crombie, who always get what they want.

- Thank. - Call me Fenel.

Thank. Call me Nicholas.

Looking back, I still think who then caught me or the fox?

Nicky, dear.

Fenela, dear.

Fenela, it's 6 o'clock in the morning, honey.

- Really? - It is, in fact, 6 hours.

Yes, Henry.

Horses under the saddle, my lady.

Thanks, Henry.

Go ahead, my boy. The sun is already high.

Fenela, do you even know what time it is?

I always get up at this time. Need to naguyut appetite.

Fenela, come here.

Come on dear are you tired already?

No, Fenela, we continue.

- Excellent, right? - Excellent.

- Nothing leads in shape like a good horseback riding. - This is undoubtedly.

How I adore you!

I can not ... This is already breakfast, already serving breakfast.

Nicky, don't be so voracious.

Thank you, it was wonderful, no words.

Parker, I'm not I can, I can not at all.

“Did she dislike you?” - Her body is what you need, only I am no longer young.

“Does she think of something all the time?” - I'm ready to think of something.

- Anything else, dear? - No thanks.

Here, sir, have a drink. It will help.

- What is it? - The best medicine.

- Let's go, dear. - I'm coming, dear.

- For a walk, sir? - Again.

And you are a good rider, even very good.

- Only need more practice. - I would prefer to lie down a bit, dear.

This is later, dear, a little later.

- By the way, I signed those your papers. - That's awesome!

- Is there something important? - No, legal documents.

All these things I will give you, dear Niki, I don't understand anything in all of this.

I'm just a weak woman.

She's just a cowboy in disguise. Come on!

I must say, dear, that you today something very nervous of some kind.

“Then don't we go home?” - No, let's take a little ride.

- Well, if you are not too tired ... - Not at all, why don't we go there for a ride?

Look, I have this barrier. I have not seen before.

Actually me too. Probably at night the rain had passed, he grew up there.

Dear, what a joker you are!

So, the one who jumps the last to be dumb cattle.

Really stupid cattle.

Goodbye!

Dirty creature!

- Who is this? - Maximilian, brother of the count.

- Maria! Maria! - Yes, signora.

Maria, prepare the bath.

Maria, give the phone.

Hello, number 56-42. Yes thank you.

- Coffee? - No thanks.

“More coffee, sir?” - Not.

Then maybe drink liquor in another room, there will be more convenient.

You know, Mr. Johnson, I have a feeling that we used to meet somewhere.

And that we had quite intimate acquaintance.

Intimate? This, the right word, is unlikely. Do you confuse me with anyone?

No, I do not confuse.

- Then maybe in the Bahamas last year? “No, much later, Mr. Johnson.”

Later, it means ...

Well, then where are we could you face?

Honestly, I can't remember that had fun.

Is it really?

Hindu, the goddess of love. Therefore, she smiles and she strabismus. XIX century, by the way, is a rare thing.

Tell me, Mr. Johnson, what have you been doing at her husband's funeral this morning?

Oh, just passing by, I love a good funeral.

You are too frivolous speak of death, mr. johnson.

I treat death as well as to life, with complete indifference.

Death is a very serious matter.

For the living is possible, but for dead boredom is the worst.

You surely forgot that I'm in mourning for my husband.

You need to wear more often black, it really suits you.

You are an exceptional impudent, Mr. Johnson.

I really liked my husband, this was a good, kind man.

I loved him. Loved it very much.

Are you here for business, Mr. Johnson?

Not. You see ... I'm retired.

Is it really?

I'm a bit early to retire, but I'm so I decided because I have my hotels.

Hotels?

- And more airlines. - Do you have an airline?

I fly them to my oil fields.

Oil fields?

Do you know how there? Pumps all swing, swing, swing.

You are very attractive the man, Mr. Johnson.

Of course you know about it.

Is it a secret for you that you are very beautiful?

That is, you recognize it and trying to seduce me?

Are you sure that we have not met before?

Absolutely.

Kiss me again.

With pleasure. Hold it.

I knew it was you! Oh you bastard, scoundrel!

- Please listen to me ... - What a shame!

Seduce the poor widow!

- You are not poor at all. - What a dirty trick!

Listen to me!

Francesca, listen!

Police! I'm calling the police!

- There is no need to call the police! - That is what I will do!

- Let me ask a question. - Not!

- But I have not asked! - The answer will still be no!

Listen to me finally!

I'll tell you what, where I come for such things cut the throat!

Francesca, listen.

You are the most ... amazing woman what i just saw in life.

Hands off!

Let me explain everything now.

I beg you.

You are completely out of shape, sir, you not enough stamina.

That's for sure.

- What are you doing next? - That's what. We will calm down, in general we will go somewhere far away, and that’s all.

“Are you sure the hat is, sir?” - I am an expert in this.

I have everything with her, she already now not going anywhere.

She actually leaves! Look!

Parker, pack your bags.

To the south of France, got it?

What is wrong with you?

Of course on the Riviera. it elementary psychology.

- Is that right, sir? - Of course.

Look yourself. Suppose you are a beautiful lady, You were engaged to this old man for several months.

Portrayed respectability and led yourself decently Then the wedding.

- Right, sir. - He's dead.

And this is exactly what you were waiting for. Have You have a beautiful house, a great car.

Money, looks, what will you do?

Buy a small pub in Essex, sir.

Here it is, forward.

Here it is, sir.

- Reserve a number. - But this is a fortune! .. Well, sir.

Goodbye, darling!

Hi Francesca

Nicky, what are you doing here?

I am looking for you.

Why did you run away from me?

What's the difference? Really from did you run away for the first time?

Actually for the first time.

What have I done wrong?

Nothing.

Then what is the matter?

And what, Nicky, pride seized?

May be.

Because of one night?

“Francesca, you're coming back with me.” - Not.

- Niki, please. - Listen to me...

Francesca, are you coming or not?

- Francesca, what's going on? - Nicky, do not.

- I come and see that you ... - It does not concern you.

Very much concerned. is he Your grandfather is good for you.

- I need to talk to you. - Not!

I do not understand anything. He is in her grandfather's good.

- Listen, turn off please. - So cricket is passed.

Then at least quieter.

Dear!

I don't want to upset you, sir, but we are on the verge of bankruptcy.

- Clear. - It's time for decisive action.

- For decisive action. “So what do you think we should do?”

Without the slightest idea, sir.

Tell me what she found in him?

- I can not imagine, sir. - And I can not imagine.

What should I do?

I would not hurt you, sir, but have you come head to tell a young lady that you love her?

- I have not heard anything. - It is not difficult at all, sir. I love you.

Love you and want to marry.

You are crazy? This is against my principles.

- 10 million dollars ... - Good!

But after all 10 million dollars ...

- Hi, Nicky! - Francesca ...

Please forgive me. I like you and I want to marry you.

Gone!

I like you and I want to marry you.

Sorry.

Francesca, will you marry me, yes or no?

Dear, you are so romantic.

Vuyon, that you are dead.

He told you to die.

- You did not answer my question. - Do you want an answer?

- Yes I want to. - I would never marry you.

Tell me how to get to American Embassy?

Sorry. Listen, "no" in As the answer is not accepted.

- What self-confidence! “You are a villain and a crook.”

- Listen, get out! I want to marry you. - Not!

- Listen to me! - This is you listen to me.

I don't need you, with my money I can do I want to go where I want for the rest of my life.

My dear, do not send me to the toilet?

Here is the right direction.

What are you pushing?

- I'm going to kill him! - Do not, madam!

- Let me go! - Wait!

You are both here, you are accomplices!

My regards.

Muzhuet kisson jonu.

Stop the scoundrel!

And from you I will make a widow!

Be careful, Parker.

Of course, madam.

Okay, where is he?

He seems to have gone swimming.

I would not advise, madam. Madame!

Baby, no need to rush to conclusions. Let me explain everything.

Come on, explain.

So you see, baby, poor the girl left to live quite a bit.

- And no hope? - Absolutely nothing.

- Awful. “It's just awful, so young and beautiful.”

And when?

It can happen in any second, any minute, hour, day.

“And even faster, sir.” - Yes, and even ...

And there is neither a doctor nor a specialist? ..

We turned to all doctors on the continent.

- Heart condition ... “Yes, Parker, my heart condition is terrible.”

You know, Nicky, you're alone of the kindest people ...

Give this person a little happiness for a few days ...

- I think this is just wonderful. - This is the least that I can do.

You are not in love with her?

Wow, my little monkey! Love!

Parker!

No, my love. it's rather pity than love.

Very sorry sir.

Highly.

How terrible it is! How sometimes life is terrible.

All the money of the world, but she will not receive anything.

Money?

The Countess is one of the most rich women in Italy, madam.

I always knew what was in you something villainous, Nicky.

- Thank. - Maybe that's why I'm crazy about you.

But you better speak baby truth darling

And I tell the truth, what nonsense. Sugar you want?

Until!

Well then, sir, I think the earlier the better.

I need to confess something.

That morning when I left for the south of France

I ran away, Nicky.

I ran away because

I love you.

I think you were always afraid of love, Niki.

What happened?

Nothing.

I just admire in the evening. Let's go to, it's getting cool already.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, dear.” - Let's go, rather.

- Come on. - And why such a hurry?

See, let's go.

Rather, we'll be late.

I am doing my best.

Wait, I'll lose my shoe.

And then with a shoe you can not?

We will be late.

Rather.

Here you go. Stay here. And don't move.

How beautiful here.

Yes very nice.

Honey, I'm so happy.

I'm happy too. Stay here and do not move.

Look, dear, they will be in now.

Yes, beat, beat will.

Do not move.

Do not move!

Very good. A little back.

Fine!

Do not move!

Everything?

No, not all.

Look, what a beauty.

What a handsome one.

Very cute.

Goodbye!

Nicky, watch out!

Senora, how many tragedies in your young life.

It is too loose here.

More recently, your first husband died.

- That's better. - Awful, just awful.

And then the second husband.

No one with such beauty subjected to such blows of fate.

It's too long here.

But losing a third husband in such a short time interval. Mama Mia, what a misfortune.

When señora when this happened?

I think next Sunday quite fit.

All your brilliant ideas.

- I'm sorry, sir ... - Parker, do me a favor.

Leave the case to me, please. I think of something, do not worry.

My poor Nicky, you are so pale.

- I feel pale. “I already thought you were dead.”

- Yes. - My poor thing.

What do you want to eat?

- Well ... “I'll go and make you lunch myself.”

Fine.

- Hey! - Yes? - Do not tell me where I can find a taxi?

I do not think. But please, we can bring you up.

I need to villa Rienzi.

We are just there! You are welcome.

Massimo Grazzini, friends call me max.

Max.

Allow me to represent Monsignor Piskali.

- So she died? - Is she dead? Who!

Countess!

And so damn, I did not take a black dress.

Sorry.

Please, I do not understand at all.

Countess, you're going to the funeral, right?

“The Countess is dead?” - Yes? I did not know.

No, you were mistaken, the countess did not die.

Then good.

And black doesn't go to me anyway.

Poor woman. In any minute may die, horror.

Please, what are you talking about?

Countess, she has a serious heart condition, you see.

Diseased heart.

Diseased heart? Have a countess?

No, I tell you something.

The Countess has a heart stone.

Until 129 years will live.

No, I'm sorry, someone to shabby your nose.

Someone by the nose to drag it!

“Good morning, signor.” - Good morning.

No, no, not here.

No, on the bed, si.

Be careful.

- Bon appetit, Signor. - Thank.

Snake!

Snake.

Parker, what happened.

But.

Parker

I will put a small charge

he will do his dirty work and will spread this ball body.

Explode to the fullest.

- What happened? - Dumb jerk! Stupid!

- What's wrong with you, sir? - Completely crazy ?!

- What are you speaking about? - Snakes in bed! Cudgel on the head!

Falling balcony! I will order you to kill!

Do you work for anyone ?!

Who is trying to kill me ?!

So it means she?

What do we do?

Out of fear, sir, Parker is with you. Five years in the service you were not in vain.

See here, what do you say?

This is a red ball.

Watch carefully.

Very simple sir but truly devilish gizmo.

- What is it? - This is old English fun, sir.

Croquet.

The tradition of playing croquet takes its origin in the XI century.

The name comes from the French the words "cook" or "cheater".

Let me show, madam.

Put the ball here.

- Yes, but not yet beat. - Of course not.

Now I will ask you to stand up like this, I hope you forgive some familiarity.

Now we look carefully on the ball and on the target.

Slowly retract the bat back, but not yet beat.

And we beat.

Do not beat yet!

And now try it yourself, we will go, and you start with the score nine.

One two...

“This is madam, what is she doing here?” - I do not know, take the red ball ..

- Hi, Nicky. - What are you thinking?

- What are you thinking? “Meet my wife Francesca, this is my cousin.”

- You can call me baby. - And everyone died.

Yes, let me show you everything, baby.

My dear Francesca.

Let me introduce monsignor Piscale of the Vatican, and ...

- My husband. - My regards.

Oh, polio, it's like a prince Edinburgh plays.

Francesca, can I have you a few words please

Take the red ball.

Croquet!

May I join you?

So sad,

so much possession and you are completely alone.

What a pity that there are no children with whom one could share all this.

Is there a chance of a small one?

No Parker!

- What are you doing? - Do not do anything, madam.

You know? To me, it’s not at all like that the countess can die at any minute.

- Appearance is deceptive. - Unless of course she does not help.

What are you talking about?

So look, Nicky, I can tell you everything.

Sorry, madam, you took the wrong ball.

- What is this game, cricket? - Almost, madam, this is croquet.

Bring a red ball.

This is my ball.

Your dear brother is dead, even not getting to bed.

That is, the marriage never took place.

Did not take place! Monsignor!

Would you be so good to explain.

Very sad thing Senora, extremely sad.

Did not take place.

If marriage is not really took place as you say

how in the eyes of the law so and ethically

- ... marriage will be annulled. - Complete zero.

It is monstrous. I will address to a higher court.

Higher instance? Do not tell, sweet lady.

So, I want you, he and all the rest are out of here at 24 o'clock!

Max, my husband has more money than yours. an insignificant brother could imagine.

So take your own money and a villa.

I won't say anything if you take care of the countess.

What's the matter with you, Niki?

And if you are nothing take it, Niki, I go to the police.

I think I installed the detonator poorly, sir.

"It seems I didn’t install the children well ..."

Keep your detonator!

It seems the thunderstorm begins.

Dinner to serve as usual, madam?

- Yes, Parker, please. - Well, madam.

I like big houses, and you?

They are so big.

Yes, I ... I see no reason why you do not live in such a villa, my dear.

And I'm just going, and very soon.

Really, Nicky?

Please forgive me, I have a headache.

Don't linger, Nicky.

Yes, I have a couple of urgent Affairs, if I may.

I saw how you looked at her.

I hope you did not change your mind?

Honestly, there is no need to postpone, sir.

He's right.

Hey.

Hey.

How much junk is there.

Junk?

Come on, I'll show you. See these engravings?

They alone cost 18 million lire.

That is 13.333 dollars.

- You're not kidding? - I'm not kidding.

- What are you writing? - I do inventory.

As the new owner of the villa Rienzi, I must check it out.

New what?

So you don't know? A little legal happened misunderstanding, it is now resolved.

Now I am Count de Rienzi.

This house.

And all this junk now belongs to me.

You know?

You have such beautiful eyes.

You think so?

So sir, look.

You're kidding, this is some plasticine for modeling.

Maybe so, but if set on fire, it will give so that Uncle Charlie never dreamed of.

Very dangerous thing, sir.

Place under the hood of her car, and through a couple of miles will only horns and legs.

Put in your pocket. Don't worry sir.

And do not stand next to radio receivers and all that.

“You don't need me anymore, sir?” - Quiet you!

- How is your head? - Very bad.

So that's great. Come, I will help.

You're good at it.

You need to take care of yourself.

And you, too, dear.

You also need to be careful.

You have such beautiful hair.

In my childhood they were long.

You must have been very beautiful girl.

And you, Niki, you are never matured.

In this we are like you.

Niki, I was very happy with you.

Highly.

“One or two eggs, madam?” - One, please.

Sorry, signor.

“One or two, madam?” - Sorry.

A bit more? There is a lot of vitamin B.

Allow, please.

And ... eat!

Hi, Nicky.

- boiled eggs or scrambled eggs? - Yes please.

Max today takes me to shopping in Rome.

- Really, Max? - Whatever you say, princess.

You do not mind, do you?

In fact, I am without crazy about your cousin.

Good morning.

Coffee please. Good morning dear.

“Nicky, I wanted to ask you a favor.” - Of course.

My watch is broken, not will you give them to the workshop?

Of course.

I just won't have time.

I am at 10 to a hairdresser.

Of course.

Thank.

I have to go.

Sorry.

More coffee.

Well, Nicky.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

And the clock?

Oh, watch.

Here, the workshop in the village, they will say.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Nicky.

- Don't ask anything. - What is it?

Do not say anything. Get down!

Stop, Nicky, lie down!

- I could not, dear. - I also could not.

I love you so much.

I must be crazy to such to do for the money.

Dear, forgive me.

Little fool, I have no money.

- There is no money? - Funny, is not it? I don't have a penny!

- You know, but I also have no money! - Also no?

And the villa, the husband?

This is all a mistake, I have not a penny, my love!

But we have us.

Love is more beautiful than all the money in the world.

So you will sit all day and read the newspaper?

What else can I do?

Could get a job!

To work? Wow!

Every man should to go to work!

Are you kidding me? I'm sick i not created for work.

And I was not created to live in such a state!

This is my last bottle of beer!

Enough. I had to finish you off while there was a chance.

Instead, I married you in a country where there is no divorce.

- I am also very wrong! - Have you seen? I will send to the moon!

- Dinner is served, sir. - What a surprise! What do we have for dinner?

- Spaghetti! - What do not like spaghetti?

This is rubbish, that's what!

Spaghetti for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, only spaghetti!

What am I doing here? What are you staring at?

Get out of here!

I'm going to take the elevator.

- What floor is Ezra Ounce on? - Why, the Ezra Ounce floor.

Take this elevator to the 25th floor then take the special tower elevator.

- Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

I beg pardon, which is the tower elevator?

- Did you wish to see Mr. Ezra Ounce? - Yes, sir.

Have you an appointment?

- Yes, sir. - Have you any identification?

Ezra Ounce is my wife's cousin.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

- Send him up. - Send him up.

- That way, please. - Yes, sir.

- Pistol? - Kidnappers.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

- Send him in. - Take him in.

Electricity.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City has an appointment to see Mr. Ounce.

Cousin Ezra, that is, Mr. Ounce, sent for me to come from New York.

You are three and one-half minutes early.

This is the first time that Cousin Ezra...

...Mr. Ounce has sent for me in 20 years.

March 8, 1912, you had an appointment at 10:23 a.m.

You stayed four minutes.

Yes. He had heard that I'd had a baby. That is, my wife, Mathilda, had it.

He wanted to add it to the family tree.

Girl. Name: Barbara. Weight: Five pounds.

Complexion: Undetermined. Hair: Bald.

Yes. Barbara took after me at first. She was born bald.

She's got hair now.

- Fortunate. - She's 22 now.

Twenty-two years, two months, three days is correct.

Cousin Ezra wasn't very happy about her being a girl.

Mr. Ounce does not approve of females.

I'm, that is, we're sorry we couldn't have given him a boy.

It is time for your appointment.

Mr. Ounce is very particular as to punctuality. Mr. Ounce is waiting.

Oh, thank you.

Electricity.

You told me the tire would run 10,000 miles.

Now, what happened? It blew out. I don't want a new tire.

I want my $ 18.75. If I don't get it back, I'm gonna sue you.

Cousin Ezra, it's been 20 years since...

He told me the tire would run 10,000 miles.

What happened? It only ran 9998 miles.

It's dishonest. False representation, that's what it is.

I don't want a new tire. Sounds eccentric but I can afford to be.

I've got $35 million.

You haven't got $35 million. You can't afford to be eccentric.

- What are you shaking your head for? - I can't afford to be eccentric.

- That's what I said. - That's what I mean.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Mathilda and Barbara send their love to you.

- Barbara sends her love to me? - Yes, Ezra.

Why should she send her love to me? She's never seen me.

Well, she's seen your picture.

She's sending her love to my picture.

No, no, you see. We've told her, that is, she knows all about you.

Sit down.

I've prepared a questionnaire. And if you answer the questions to my satisfaction...

- Yes, Ezra? ...to my entire satisfaction...

...I may have an important decision to announce.

Hemingway questionnaire.

Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Are you a moral man, Mr. Hemingway?

Well, I like to think so.

- Well, don't you know? - Oh, yes, yes, I'm a moral man.

- Have you ever touched liquor or nicotine? - Never.

Have you ever purposely sinned?

No, not much, on purpose.

Have you ever dawdled with the idea of sinning?

Now, Ezra, you know I never dawdle.

- Answer me, yes or no. - No.

- Yes, Mr. Ounce? - Listen carefully, Horace...

...and you'll understand my decision. The family tree.

Yes, sir.

This is the Ounce family tree.

Here's Mr. Ounce coming right up out of the trunk.

This is Mathilda Ounce Hemingway...

...out on this limb.

You married this limb.

And this twig sprouting here is Miss Barbara.

Show him the withered branches.

Mr. Ounce has looked with horror on the rotten branches of his family tree...

...if I might use the term.

Bad banana in every bunch.

There is only one more living fruit of the Ounce family tree...

...and that is bad fruit.

James Higgens, over here, has succumbed to the stage...

...in defiance of Mr. Ounce's known wishes in the matter.

James Bad Fruit Higgens, an actor.

And have you barred said James Higgens from your home...

...pursuant to Mr. Ounce's memorandum, January 13, 1930?

- I have. - You'd better.

Very well, Mr. Hemingway. Mr. Ounce has decided not to wait until he dies...

...before dividing his fortune.

He's going back to New York with you tonight.

There he will liquidate $ 10 million...

...and give it to your wife and yourself.

Ten million dollars.

What about it?

- That's very nice of you, Ezra. - Yes, but if I find out you haven't...

...answered the questions truthfully... - Ezra.

If I find your moral life is nothing more than a snare and a delusion...

...I'll cut you off like a ripe banana.

Yes, Ezra, like a ripe banana.

James Bad Fruit Higgens. Take a look at that.

Destroy this. He's no longer an Ounce.

Like to hear a little secret? I love you.

Jimmy Higgens, why all this love and affection? Have you got a job?

Do I have to have a job to love you?

No, but I'd like to hear both.

Well, I haven't got a job. Nothing but love.

Thirty-four shows in New York and not a one of them aching for me.

You'll get there yet. You just keep trying.

Honey, a couple of boys and myself are writing our own show.

You should have waited until Uncle Ezra died before you went on the stage.

I'd have been playing old-man parts by then. Besides, I don't want any of his money.

I only want to do the things I like, and kiss the girl I love.

It doesn't seem right, our loving each other like we do, being related and everything.

Related? We're 13th cousins.

- Thirteenth? - Thirteenth.

- Say, is that bad luck? - Nothing's bad luck, sitting here like this.

- Too hot? - Of course not.

- That spot... - So what?

It's a precious souvenir to me

- In love? - In strong

With me? How long?

Oh, since you were about Now, let me see

- 'Bout 8? 'Bout 10? 'Bout 12? - No

- Well, when? - I'll tell you very confidentially

When you were a smile on your mother's lips

And a twinkle in your daddy's eye

I loved you then I loved you when

You were a little tender sigh

When I was a babe in my mother's arms

I would wake up with a lonely cry

I cried for you

They never knew They thought it was my lullaby

I gave up every little toy

I played no game

I was a lonely little boy

Until you came

The days flew apart

You were in my heart

And I waited for the stork to fly

When you were a smile On your mother's lips

And a twinkle in your daddy's eye

No. That way.

Up.

Careful.

Oh, Barbara.

Barbara, guess what?

Cousin Ezra is on his way form Buffalo with father.

- And he's gonna give us $ 10 million. - What's he gonna give Jimmy?

Don't you dare breathe that young reprobate's name to Cousin Ezra.

My, your father has dreamed of this moment ever since we were married.

That's all you've talked about as long as I can remember.

But just think. Ten million dollars.

Oh, I can hardly wait to see dear, dear Ezra.

I'd rather see Jimmy once than that old ruin 10 million times.

Barbara, that's almost sacrilege.

Yes, and I wish Uncle Ezra would hurry and get here so I could tell him so.

Barbara.

Laura, how could you do this to Cousin Ezra?

Come on, get up.

Barbara will be glad to see you, Ezra.

Why not? And I've got some good news for you and Mathilda.

While I liquidate $ 10 million, I've decided to spend about a month at your house.

Oh, that is good news, Ezra.

New York City reeks with sin, especially the hotels. I wouldn't go near any of them.

Oh, you're right, Cousin Ezra.

And here's something else.

I shall take a second 10 million to form the O.F. For the E. Of A.M.

- The what? - The Ounce Foundation...

...for the Elevation of American Morals.

You can elevate a lot of morals for $ 10 million, Ezra.

New York City is a hotbed of vice. We'll start with New York and work west.

- Very commendable. - Mathilda can work south.

I'll give her the southern territory.

- Mathilda will appreciate that very much. - Yeah?

She's always been interested in reforming everything.

Ten o'clock. Past our bedtime. Come, Horace.

Bulger. Bodyguard.

Stop that, you old rou�, you.

Did you see her trip me? Come, Horace.

Shows you how careful one must be.

You're a good, clean moral man, aren't you, Horace?

- Oh, yes, indeedy. - Well, see that you remain that way.

We must prepare for the battle in New York. Sleep well, Horace.

- Good night, Ezra. - Good night. Come, Bulger.

- Oh, the wrong room. - No, it isn't my room. It must be yours.

- No, it's not mine. - Well, look.

- It is mine. - Good.

What are you doing in my compartment?

I was with a burlesque show. We were stranded and laid an egg in Troy, see?

- I don't see it at all. - It's very simple.

This is better than walking to New York.

- Y... You get out of here. - Why? I don't snore.

Snore?

One, two, one, two.

One, two, one, two. Well, Horace.

I thought you were in bed.

No, I'm not in bed. I came out to get some air. You're not in bed.

My compartment was too small so I came down to exercise. It's good for you.

Stimulates the digestion, strengthens the corpuscles. One, two, one, two.

I've overdone it. Athlete's stomach.

Must go to bed, Horace.

Come, Bulger.

Well, here's your compartment, Horace.

This should've been mine. E stands for Ezra. Do you get it?

- Good night, Cousin Ezra. - Good night, Horace.

Oh, I thought there was a catch in this. Indian giver, huh?

Get out of here, I'll call the conductor.

Call him. I'll tell him we got on at Buffalo and that you got cold feet.

I'll make a scandal to shake this rattler off its tracks.

- Oh, no. - I think I'll start screaming.

Oh, no, no, no. Stay right here. Make yourself at home.

Wild horses couldn't keep me in here.

Mr. Hemingway.

Is there anything wrong with your compartment?

Oh, it's full of rats.

I see.

I'm not a drinking man myself, but I'm broad-minded.

Yes, sir. I had a cousin used to see rats. Pink ones.

- Come on, you better go to bed. - No, no, I refuse to go to bed.

Will you go quietly, or must I call Mr. Ounce?

Oh, no, no. I'll go quietly.

Mathilda, I shall appoint you first-crusading vice president of the Ounce Foundation.

Well, what do I do first, Ezra?

Well, first... First, we must put our ear to the ground.

What do you mean, Cousin Ezra?

Oh, just snooping around.

Barbara.

- Well? - And a good, good evening to you, miss.

- We don't wanna buy nothing. - I represent the Empire Insurance Company.

- I have a little policy for you. - We've got it. Go away, I got orders.

So have I. I've got to see Mr. Hemingway.

Take your foot away from the door...

...and I'll tell him you're here. - I'm coming in...

...if you don't mind.

I do mind. You stay right here.

I can hardly wait till you get back.

- I never saw such nerve. - Laura, who was at the door?

One of them fresh insurance fellas, ma'am. And he got in.

What company does he represent, miss?

- He says he's from the Empire of Buffalo. - I'll get rid of him, Ezra.

No, just a moment, Horace. He represents my company.

I like persistency. Show him into the sitting room. I'll interview him.

Laura, show him in.

Here I am.

Mr. Ounce says for you to come into the sitting room.

Well, what's this?

- Well, this is the sitting room. - All right, I'll sit.

Do you realize that 65 out of every 100 people become paupers at age 50?

- No. - It's the truth...

...and nothing can prevent it but life insurance.

And you, Mr. Hemingway, do you realize that 65...

...out of every 100 people become paupers at age 50?

- No. - Do you?

- Do you? - Yes.

The lady is right and nothing can prevent it but life insurance.

- Haven't I seen you someplace before? - You haven't. That's why I'm here.

I want to give us a break. My spies told me you'd be here.

- You are James Higgens. - You are Uncle Ezra.

I've got a musical show that's a honey. It's called Sweet and Hot.

- Get out. - I got the show, you the dough.

- Get out. - Now wait a minute.

We don't know or like each other, but this is strictly a business proposition.

- And you stand to make at least $25,000. - Horace, tell him to get out.

- You get out of here. - Now you get right out.

- Lf you don't make money it's a good show. - Lf you mention show to me... Bulger.

Bulger.

Bulger.

Bulger. Here. Put that gun away. Put that gun away. And throw him out.

- Wait a minute. - Throw him out. Throw him out. Out.

D.S. Oggle-wopple. D.S. Oggle-wopple. D.S. Oggle-wopple.

- What does D.S. Oggle-wopple mean? - Maybe he's hysterical or something.

Hysterical? He's a maniac.

- What's the matter? - When I get excited...

...I get nervous indigestion.

Come over here and sit down.

Now you sit right down there, Ezra. And keep quiet.

- We'll get you a drink of water. - No. No.

Well, go get Uncle Ezra some bicarbonate of soda.

- No. - Wouldn't plain baking soda be all right?

No.

Well, then hold your breath and count a hundred.

Have you ever tried holding your finger to your upper lip, hard? Like this?

There's only one remedy.

- What is it, uncle? - Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

- Made in Buffalo. - I'll run to the drugstore and get some.

- Yeah, hurry, hurry. - All right.

Call the drugstore, quick.

What's the matter? Don't you know people have hiccups for weeks sometimes?

- Line's busy. - Well, call another one.

Aren't there any other drugstores in New York?

Do something.

Want me to tickle his feet? He might start laughing.

I don't wanna hear another word out of you.

Have you got Dr. Golden's Silver Elixir?

Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

All right. He hasn't got it anyway.

Maybe if the gentleman would stick his head upside down in a bucket of water.

You're fired. Go pack your things.

Very well, ma'am. And I hope the old buzzard hiccups himself into spasms.

Get out. Get out. Ezra. Ezra.

That was a very dangerous and silly thing for you to do.

He was my last chance. I've been to every producer's office and couldn't get in.

- You got past our maid. - I'll be an expert...

...at getting thrown out.

- Say, how'd you get out? - Oh, I was lucky.

You gave Uncle Ezra the hiccups, and I had to run for medicine.

- Well, I hope they haven't got any. - Oh, you nasty man.

- Good evening, Barbara. - Good evening.

Do you have Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir?

- What? - Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

I haven't been asked for that in 20 years.

I may have a bottle somewhere.

- I'll look. - Thank you.

You know, Mother asked me what D.S. Oggle-wopple meant.

Jimmy, I've heard you say that over the phone so many times...

...I figured out that D.S. Meant: Meet me at the drugstore.

But what does Oggle-wopple mean?

It's a long story. That was just to make it tough in case the folks were listening in.

Oh, I understand.

Here's your elixir, Barbara. It's probably the only bottle in New York.

- Thank you. Charge it, please. - Certainly.

- Want a sip? - Thanks.

Good?

- Well, let's go. - All right.

- So long, Eddy. See you later. - So long, Jimmy.

Oh, my elixir.

You don't have to go right back home, do you, honey?

Gosh, it's the first night we've been together in months.

Look at that moon, sweets.

I wanna talk about the show and about us.

I can't concentrate on it, Jimmy.

All I can think of is Uncle Ezra's hiccups.

Now which would you rather do, listen to Uncle Ezra's hiccups...

...or let me tell you how much I love you?

- Where you gonna tell me, Jimmy? - I could do it here, but I won't.

I gotta have background.

Okay, kid, come on.

How's this for background, sweetheart?

The sea, the moon and you.

- It's perfect, isn't it? - Almost.

- What do you mean, almost? - Jimmy, if your play was a success...

...we could choose our own background always, couldn't we?

Success? Sweetheart, we've got a million dollars right here...

...if I can get someone to back me.

Just listen to this.

This is how I feel about you.

My love must be a kind of blind love

I can't see anyone but you

And, dear, I wonder if you find love

An optical illusion too

Are the stars out tonight?

I don't know if it's cloudy or bright

'Cause I only have eyes

For you, dear

The moon may be high

But I can't see a thing in the sky

'Cause I only have eyes

For you

I don't know if we're in a garden

Or on a crowded avenue

You are here, so am I

Maybe millions of people go by

But they all disappear from view

And I only have eyes

For you

Gee, Jimmy, that's swell.

So are you.

My.

For heaven's sakes.

Ezra, please let me send for a doctor.

Don't wanna. I hate doctors.

Don't know what's keeping Barbara. Well, are you comfortable?

Is there anything I can do?

Yes. Get me some elixir and get out.

Never had a woman in my bedroom before in my life.

- But, Ezra... - Get out.

- But I... - Go on, get out.

Crown Drug?

I'll give you $ 100 for a bottle of Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

And I'll give you 1000 bucks if I ever heard of it.

Do something.

I've called up 500 drugstores, and you ask me to do something.

Call one other one, quick.

My.

Hello? Star Drug?

I'll give you 500 bottles... $500 for a bottle of Dr. Silver's...

- Dr. Golden, Dr. Silver's Gold... - Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

I haven't seen a bottle since the Spanish-American War.

Oh, get another number, quick.

Ezra.

There's not a drugstore in New York that carries it.

Serves me right for coming without it.

Imagine no druggist in New York City carrying Dr. Silver's Elixir.

Send to Buffalo. Get a couple of cases. Don't stand there.

- But l... - Do something. Get out.

Go on. Get out. Get it. Get the elixir.

How do I know where you get it? What kind of a drugstore is this?

That's your business.

Oh, Horace, control yourself.

- I've called up every... - Horace.

- Blankety-blank drugstore in this town. - Control your language.

- Ezra might hear you. - I don't give a...

Horace.

Barbara.

Where have you been?

- Staten Island. - What for?

- Oh, for Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir. - She's got it.

- Give it to me, Horace. - Hurry up. Give it to him. Cousin Ezra.

- Come on, hurry up. Give it to him. - Cousin Ezra, here it is.

That's it. The only thing that never fails.

- How many spoonfuls? - Never mind. I'll drink it out of the bottle.

Goodbye, hiccups.

That stuff is magic. I feel like a new man.

- Honey. - Jimmy.

I got a date with a producer. They're playing the songs.

- I need you for good luck. - Okay.

Fine.

Boys, that's just what the theater needs.

It's fresh. It's young. It's good.

I like the songs. I like the book.

The whole thing is colossal.

- You'll accept it? - For immediate production.

I'm going to give you my check for $5000, advance royalties.

Five thousand dollars? Did you hear that?

- Oh, gee, that's swell. - We're in. We're in. We're on the way.

There's your check, my boy.

Now if you will just put your name to this...

...merely a release of the property to me...

...while we're waiting for the contracts. Now, I'll notify you when rehearsals start.

Will we get the regular percentage?

You don't have to be satisfied with any usual royalties.

I'll guarantee you boys a straight 15 percent of the gross.

Mr. Todd, you don't know how grateful we are.

Indeed. The only other playwright getting 15 percent is George Bernard Shaw.

Mr. Todd, you're the swellest guy in the world.

My boy, you're youth. Your play is youth.

And I always believe in encouraging youth.

In fact I may almost say that I was young once myself.

Well, you go right ahead and say it. Nobody's stopping you.

Well, well, Mabel. My, you're looking splendid.

I ought to. I spent my last 200 bucks on this outfit.

- Know what I came back to New York in? - In good health.

- In a coat and a pair of step-ins. - Did you have to walk back?

It wasn't your fault that I didn't, you bandit.

Well, Mr. Higgens, I'll call you up later...

...since this is a personal matter. - Personal my eye, I want witnesses.

One o'clock. I have a luncheon engagement with my banker.

- Now, you'Il... - Fork over that $57 back salary or I'Il...

You'll have to see my lawyer.

Your lawyer. You four-flushing chiseler.

He sends me out in a turkey show that folds up like an accordion.

He leaves me holding the bag, stranded, broke in Troy.

Have you ever been stranded in Troy?

Have you ever even been there?

- No, no. - No.

Well, buddy, what did that look like to you?

It looks like you can't get blood out of a turnip.

- Did he hook you too? - No, he just...

...gave us a check for $5000 for our show.

Five thousand? Pardon me while I have a convulsion.

Well, I'd like to meet my fellow sufferers. I'm Mabel Anderson.

This is Miss Hemingway.

And this is Johnny Harris.

And this is Buttercup Balmer. And I'm Jimmy Higgens.

- Hello, Jimmy. - Hello.

You're not related to Horace P. Hemingway?

- He's my father. - The sausage casing Hemingways?

- Yes, why? - Oh, nothing.

Nothing. I just seemed to see a meal ticket coming over the horizon.

Jimmy, please. Let's get out of here.

No, wait a minute. I'm getting an idea.

Yes, I've got it. You say you've got a show?

Have you got $20,000 to put it on?

I've got 17 cents and the clothes I stand in. But there's life in the old girl yet.

Let's you and me go into a conference. Beat it, Buttercup.

Come on, Johnny. Miss Hemingway, if you please.

Goodbye now.

She's got a nerve.

My friend, what kind of a show have you got?

It's a great musical show, got the swellest songs you ever heard.

Is that a fact? Well, let me hear one.

I got one here I think you'll like. It's called:

Try To See it My Way. Here we go.

Girl of my heart Why should we start

Quarreling you and I?

That's a very bad beginning

Ending with goodbye

You're a bit wild Simply a child

Wanting your own sweet way

So before you leave me

Count up to 10

While I say

Try to see it my way, baby

Don't break up a beautiful affair

- What are you smiling at? - Isn't that a sweet song I wrote?

Why is he singing my song to her?

I guess that's the way a crooner works.

- tried to see it your way

Tried to understand your point of view

But I don't want to see it your way

'Cause your way means we're through

Let's both sit down and talk a while

That's all that I suggest

A word of love, a tender smile

And a kiss or two will do the rest

Your way is the last goodbye way

My way is the end of every tear

Won't you try to see it my way?

Try to see it my way, dear

- Well, what are they doing now? - Maybe they're planning a double suicide.

- That's swell. - Wait till you hear the rest of them.

There's a great part for you.

- Help me put the show on. - All right. The show's on and I'm in.

All you've got to do is get me a private interview with Horace P. Hemingway.

- Is that all you need? - I'll get enough money...

...to finance Ben-Hur with solid-gold horses.

- Let's shake on it. - I'll raise you one. We'll kiss on it.

Barbara. The show's in. Mabel's done it.

I don't care what she's done.

And I don't care what happens to your show or to you.

Oh, Barbara, Barbara...

Business before pleasure.

Wait, let's see if I've got it.

Yep, there it is. There's the backer of our show, and there's the billet-doux.

Look out, Uncle Tom Hemingway, here comes Mabel Legree a-cracking her whip.

Thus, my friends, we form tonight the kernel of the nut which is to be.

That nut is the Ounce Foundation for the E. Of the A.M.

Oh, thank... Thank you.

Thank you.

Those magic letters signify so much to all of us.

What does it mean? My friends, the elevation of American morals.

That's what it means.

The nut I refer to is going to be a hard nut to crack.

We all know what a task lies before us. You know what a task lies before you.

You know, you know and you know.

And if the O.F. For the E. Of the A.M. Shall prevail, and it must prevail...

...every theater in our wicked city shall be closed.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway, our vice president...

...will conclude the meeting.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway.

All right, folks, our honored president has declared war on the wicked.

Now if you'll just pick up the little slips of paper which you have...

...we shall all join in the battle cry.

Rise, please.

Now, all together.

The Ounce Foundation for the Elevation of American Morals.

Who are we?

The Ounce Foundation for the Elevation of American Morals.

Rah-rah-rah. Ziss-boom bah.

The O.F. For the E. Of the A.M.

The meeting is dismissed. Thank you. Thank you.

- I'm so glad you could come. - Goodbye.

- Wonderful. - The Ounce Foundation.

We are fathering... I mean, mothering a great movement. Yes, indeed.

Good night. Thank you.

Don't forget the Ounce Foundation for the Elevation of American Morals.

The Ounce Foundation...

- Is Jimmy there? - No, he's out. Say, listen, Barbara.

We're writing in a little dance tune for you.

- But where's Jimmy? - Out with Mabel, digging up our financing.

Don't write any dance tune for me.

Write them for his Mabel. I don't ever wanna see him again.

- Was I all right with the battle cry? - Yes, yes.

- Thank you, Cousin Ezra. - I was proud of you, Horace.

- Yes, it was a remarkable fine meeting. - Oh, I was thrilled to the core.

- Me too. - Let me see. Oh, it's 10:00.

Way past our bedtime.

Good night. Sleep well so your loins may be girded for the battle.

- Same to you, Cousin Ezra. Same to you. - Thank you.

- Good night, Horace. - Good night, dear.

Please don't mention this unfortunate night to a soul.

Horace P. Hemingway.

You dreadful woman. How did you get in my room?

Hello, Horace.

- You can't smoke in here. - I am smoking.

Do I smell cigarette smoke?

Not in this house, Ezra.

Must be someone burning garbage.

Well, good night, Mathilda.

Good night, Ezra.

How did you get in here? What did you want?

- Twenty thousand dollars. - T... Twenty what?

Twenty thousand of these.

Twenty thousand dollars.

- Go away. - Look, honey.

We've played this scene before, we know how it goes.

Now please don't waste any time.

Give.

Every time I come into this room I'm afraid of finding you.

I dream about it at night.

I wake up in a cold sweat.

Are you gonna quit stalling or am I gonna start screaming?

- You wouldn't dare. - Cousin Ezra...

- What was that? - Sounds like it came from down here.

Horace?

Yes, Ezra?

Did you hear something just now?

No.

That was just the plumbing.

You mean that little:

Ezra?

Was that the plumbing?

Y... Yes, Mathilda. Just a little wind in the pipes.

I've heard many a wind in many a pipe, but never a sound like that.

Well, now, Ezra, you'd better go back to bed.

Well, there's something amiss here. I can feel it in my bones.

- Good night, Ezra. - Good night, Mathilda.

- Lf you ever scream like that again... - I'll never scream like that again.

Next time you'll hear me a mile away. It won't sound like no wind in the pipes.

- What will you do? - What'll you do, Horace?

Don't call me by my first name.

- Okay, P. P's your second name, isn't it? - P stands for Peter.

All right, Pete, how about the 20 grand?

I feel another scream coming on.

You'd rather give me $20,000 than lose Ezra's 10 million, wouldn't you?

- How'd you know about that? - A little bird.

W... Where you going?

- To tell Cousin Ezra what a Romeo you are. - Oh, no.

I'll tell him about our night. That we were train roommates.

- I'll show him your card. - How much?

- Twenty-five thousand. - You said 20 before.

- Why didn't you pay me before? - That's every cent I've got.

- I'd cry, but I haven't a handkerchief. - Lf I give it to you...

...will you give me the card, let me alone?

- Need you ask? - All right.

Plumbing, huh?

Wind in the pipe, huh?

- There. - Twenty-five thousand.

All that fuss over a mere trifle.

You take my last penny and call it a trifle.

- W... Who is it? - It's Mathilda.

My wife. Come on, get out here.

- No, I won't get out... - Here. No, l...

If she catches you in here, I'm ruined.

Come on, get in this closet.

Why... Why, Mathilda. It's you.

I'm your wife, Mathilda. Remember?

L... I was nervous. I couldn't sleep.

- So you've been to bed? - Oh, yes, yes, you see? That's... That's it.

Since when do you go to bed with your pants on?