All language subtitles for Only Fools S01 E07 Christmas Crackers

Oh yeah!

Hey Grandad. You wanna see this book
Mickey Pearce lent me!

It teaches you how to say filthy things to women
from great distances without actually speaking!

They can't set their brothers
on you or nothing!

D'you like your baked potatoes
really well done Rodney?

- Have I got a choice?
- Well, not really!

Yeah I like 'em really well done Grandad!
I like 'em all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes.

Oh good! Well dinner won't be long then.

Body language?

Yeah, it's no good for you Grandad,
you'd need an interpreter!

- Alright Grandad, dinner ruined yet?
- Coming along nicely Del Boy.

Good good!...'ang on 'ere y' are.

There's a score for yer, little
Christmas pressie.

Oh cheers Del, very nice of you.
I didn't get you nothing,

I don't agree with the commercialisation
of a Christian Festival.

I don't believe that! He actually took me money then
gave me a rollocking! It's like being mugged by a magistrate!

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Yeah - and a partridge up yer pear tree
an' all you saucy old git!

What happened to you today then? I thought I'd see you
down the Nag's for a preluncheon aperitif

and some light conversation with your
little head bangers!

No my stomach is a bit
dicey. Sort of burning pains!

That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a
mutton vindaloo won't it?

This is psychosomatic mate. This is me brain
sending messages to me belly warning it

that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner'll be on it's
way down soon! Have a butchers in that kitchen Del!

It's all smoke 'n' smells, it's horrible! He's got baked
potatoes that look more like lumps of anthracite!

There's green stuff out there - I don't know what it is Del,
I was gonna ask then I thought I'd wait till you got in!

Why do you let him do it Del?

Well it's a tradition innit? He's been cooking Christmas
dinner ever since Mum went!

Yeah and he's been cooking it
up ever since Mum went!

What do you want,
a sacre-bleu chef or something?

I mean I don't fancy it any more than you do Rodders,
but what can we do?

Let's pretend we've both become vegetarians, then we
won't have to eat his turkey!

Don't be a dipstick all your life Rodney!
If we pretend we're vegetarians

we'll end up with a plate of anthracite and
green stuff!

Well I'm gonna say I'm on hunger strike - some kind of
humanitarian grounds!

Leave it out will yer. I remember
the lasy time you went on hunger strike

over a protest about the American cruise missiles
being based in Britain.

You said that you were gonna starve yourself
until the missiles were moved.

So?

So that was eight months ago! The missiles are
still here but what's more to the point so are you!

You went one and 'arf days on hunger
strike then sent out for a curry!

Well I was starving!

That's the idea of it, you plonker! Grandad'll never wear
that! Anyway, cooking the Christmas dinner

has become Grandad's purpose in life. All year long
he sits in that chair watching the tellies

like an unoiled redundant cog.

But come Christmas time he knows
that he can whir into action.

It's his role within the family circle. It makes him feel
that he still has an important part to play,

y'know that he's still needed! You don't want to take
that away from him do you?

All for the sake of a
little bit of...

Botulism!! No, alright Del!

Why don't you do what I do? Just put the dinner
in your mouth and think of England!

Anyway, for all we know this year it may
turn out to be a gourmets' dream!

I'll just strain the gravy then
I'll give it up!

We'll have get a plug put on this thing Rodney!

Alright, alright I'll have some wine please Rodney.

- D'you want some gravy Del?
- No thanks Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine.

Oh bain marie, bain marie! I will say this for those old
Frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine!

That shiyster down at the off-licence only
tried to palm me off with table wine!...

Must have
thought I was a Philistine or something.

Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish. I said 'Oi John.
I don't want none of yer table wine.

I said get down that cellar and you get me out a
bottle of Vin Ordinaire!'...

Hmmm, not bad Grandad,
slightly underdone maybe.

Slightly underdone? The reckon the kiss
of life would revive that turkey!

- That's enough Rodney!
- How's yer guts now Rodney?

Not too bad now Grandad, thank you very much!

- Hope he ain't got worms!
- He's doing this on purpose!

Now come on you two. This is the dinner table
I mean worms and all that!

Rodney's got a burning sensation in his
stomach ain't you Rodney?

Maybe they're glow worms!

Oi oi oi! What's your game?

Well do you think we could
change the subject?

Alright alright. There's no need to get overwrought!

This turkey's lovely Grandad, innit Rodney?

Triffic!

Who's Brenda and Terry?

Who's Brenda and Terry?

Who's Brenda and Terry?

Who's Brenda and Terry Rodney?

I don't know!

What are you on about you old div?

We got a Christmas card from 'em. It said love from Brenda
and Terry and the kids Shirley, Shane and Shaun.

- Yeah, yeah that was from Brenda and Terry!
- I know! But who is Brenda and Terry?

It's Shirley, Shane and
Shaun's mum and dad innit?

Oh! Did we send them one back?

How could we send them one back? Who don't even know who
they are let alone where they live!

Just as well with them rotten
Christmas cards you bought.

There was nothing wrong with them cards! You didn't like
them 'cause they came from a charity organization!

Now that is not fair Rodney.
Nobody like a good cause better than me do they Grandad?

It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards
you've got to be very careful about which charity you choose.

What do you mean got to be careful about
which charity you choose?

Well some of them cards might offend our neighbours and friends.
It says Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad,

and all the gang at the Deptford drug-addiction
centre!

And with all the cuts we've had in social services you
don't think that's a good cause?

I'm not saying it's not a good cause Rodney! All I'm saying
is that at Christmas time people prefer

a traditional Christmas card, you know with a nice
wintery scene - a snowman, a little robin redbreast -

not a sprig of holly and a bunch of mistletoe
wrapped round a rusty syringe!

You do me right up sometimes
Del!

I don't know why they want these
drug-addiction centres.

I mean ain't we got enough drug addicts
without them recruiting them?

No Grandad! They're not training centres! Oh God, I
give up! Can we change the subject again?

Stroll on Rodney, we're going through subjects
quicker than Mastermind!

You didn't throw the giblets
away did you?

I only asked because I promised them
to the old girl down stairs for her cat!

There weren't any giblets in it Del. It was ready-cleaned,
said so on the box.

Yeah I know it was ready- cleaned Grandad, but they put
the giblets in a plastic bag then put it back in the turkey.

- Do they?
- Yeah.

- You took the bag out didn't you?
- I didn't know it was in there Del!

Oh my Gawd!

You mean he's cooked it with
everything still in it?

Oh my good God, it's like
peering into the jaws of hell!

Didn't you at any time notice it? Like for instance when you
were putting in the stuffing in?

There's stuffing in there as
well??

Oh it's everything in here Rodney.

Sage and onion, molten plastic and...things!
It's like an Irish night in a delicatessen!

I just didn�t' know it was in
there Del Boy!

Alright Grandad, don't get overwrought, it's over and
done with innit eh? Don't upset yourself,

As the French say, it's a fait acomplan

What about the old
afters eh?

I'll go'n get it.

Don't worry!
Cause custard is his forte!

D'you like your Christmas pudding really well done?

Sorry!

- I don't like circuses!
- What?

- I don't like circuses!
- Oh!

- I never have liked 'em!
- Triffic!

Never will like 'em - Circuses.

Alright you've made your point
Rodney! Why don't you switch over?

There's one on the other side!

Is there? It's a pity you don�t like 'em or you could be
having a whale of a time couldn't yer?

Now put a sock in it for 'arf hour or so will you?

It's good living in a tower
block annit Del?

Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't
know what she's missing.

Look at that view eh? On a
clear day you can see...the ground.

Boring Boring Boring Boring

I'll whack you one in a minute Rodney!!!

Well nothing's open out there
and I'm bored!

Hang about and I'll get on the phone and knock
you up a Mardi Gras. Everyone's bored!

Christmas is a religious festival,
it's meant to be boring!

I thought we we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of
our Lord! A time of great joy!

It's a time of great joy and that's why everything's
closed! Everyone's at home enjoying themselves!

- Enjoying themselves?
- Where's me nuts.

Just take a look at it out there, Del. It's like a
neutron bomb's hit it

the buildings are still standing but there's no sign of life!
No, the British nation have forgotten how to enjoy itself!

We're all charging toward the cliff edge of terminal
boredom like a herd of...

What's them things that commit
suicide all the time?

Japanese!

No, lemmings! Yeah like a herd of lemmings!
Let's go out somewhere Del.

There's bound
to be a pub or a club open somewhere!

It's Christmas night Rodney!

The Monte Carlo club over New Cross is open!
There again it's a bit rough!

Oh yes all them big men, drinking beer and burping!
You great big tart you!

Alright let's go to the Monte Carlo. A few birds get down
there, we might be able to pull a couple!

- I don't want to go out Rodney!
- You're boring as well!

You're hardly a go on the big
dipper yourself Rodney!

Well why don't you want to go
out??

I'll tell you why shall I? It may have slipped your notice
but there are three people living in this flat.

You, me and that scruffy little old man who does funny
things to turkeys. Namely our Grandfather!

Now you're not seriously suggesting that we just push
off out of it and leave him here on his own?

But we often leave him on his
own!

Not on Christmas night Rodney,
not on Christmas night!

But we sit with him every
Christmas. He wouldn't mind just this once!

He'd pretend he didn't mind! But you don't know what'll be
going through his little mind as he sat here

in this empty flat all on his own.

Thinking about the good old days
when Mum and Dad were here - when Christmas was a great,

big family affair, and we're still a family Rodney
so we'll stay here with Grandad and watch,

- Y' know The Sound of Music.
- I don't like The Sound of Music!

- Well we'll switch over!
- What's on?

- A circus.
- I want to go out Del!

Listen Rodney, there are a lot of old people all over the
country tonight sitting on their own.

Half of 'em don't get a Christmas card let alone a
bit of company. So you're going to stay in with me and Grandad.

If I want to go out I'll go
out!

- No you won't!
- Yes I will!

- You won't Rodney!
- I will Del!

- You won't!
- I will!

- You won't!
- I will!

- I'm off out now, see you later.
- Yeah see you later Grandad.

Where'd you think you're going?

I'm going to the Old Folks Christmas Do over at the
Community Centre. I thought anything'd be better

than sitting in here all night listening to you two arguing.
Tell us what happens in The Sound of Music. See yer.

Yeah...See yer, Grandad.

That's terrific that is, innit?

Charming. He goes out gallivanting
and we have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.

Oh no, bruver - definitely not. Let's put our glad rags on
and hit the Monte Carlo Club.

I'll have a bath first 'cause there's hardly any hot water left.
Fix yerself a drink, make yerself comfortable - and watch the circus.

Oi John. Giss a Remi Martin with cream soda and lots of
ice, and 'arf of lager.

- You alright, Earl?
- Hullo Del Boy. Nice Christmas?

- Blinder. Where's the enemy?
- She took the kids over her mum's.

How's the old man?

Up and down like Tower Bridge. Still in hospital - unconscious
most of the time - when he wakes up he don't know where he is.

Well next time he comes round again you wish him a Merry
Christmas from me and Rodney.

I will, Del.

- What's wrong with him?
- I can't pronounce it.

Oh, now listen Earl, now listen my son, this is what
you want to do. Next time you're up the hospital,

you get hold of one of them surgeons you know they're the
guys with the little white jackets and you say to him

that your old Dad wants some antibiotics,

An - ee - by- o-ics. I'll write it down for yer.

Give me that Replay that I gave you
for your Christmas present.

You're being a bit pushy, ain't you? I mean don't you
think the hospital's already thought of that?

That bunch of wallies?? These are magic things Earl. They
work a treat. Gawd knows where they get 'em from.

D'you remember when Grandad was in
hospital about eighteen month back?

They gave him so many antibiotics that one day he
sneezed and two other blokes got better.

Well there it is. Don't take this to a chemist's
it ain't a prescription.

No I won't, Del Boy. Well
thanks a lot, that's really nice of you.

That's alright my son. You have a good Christmas, you
hear? Come on Rodney.

You're something else you are. You've stuck your nose in
where it weren't wanted a good few times but this takes the biscuit.

Suddenly you're a
miracle worker.

Listen Rodney. Life's been pretty gutty for Earl quite
recently. First, he got made redundant,

it's been like that between him and his missus...

...then to top it all his old man collapses in the Nag's
Head right across the table where me and Trig were sitting.

- It was terrible, glasses went flying, everything.
- Yeah? What, serious?

No, I only had about that much left. No, I mean can't afford
a private hospital. He wanted to take his dad to Lourdes,

but couldn't afford the fare. The way his luck's going he
couldn't afford the fare to Leeds let alone Lourdes.

So I have just given him a bit of false hope - a light at the
end of the tunnel, a straw to grab at,

a bit of promise for the New Year.

But what if he tells the hospital to administer
these drugs? It might finish the old man off.

Leave it out Rodney. What do you think they are up the
hospital, a bunch of wallies?

But you just said...

You're flash you are aintcha? You think you know the lot.
Everything about you is - lairy.

What do you mean - lairy?

Well just look at the way you're dressed to begin with.
You make Christmas trees look sombre.

And God knows how you've got the courage to walk
down dark alleys wearing all that gold.

When they see you coming you must look
like a mugger's pension scheme.

Listen how d'you think a peacock attracts a lady
peacock? With his plummage.

This is my plummage...When I approach a bird she
don't see me, the good-looking young man about town,

own teeth and all that sort of game. She sees in her
subconscious a white yacht floating

on the blue waters of a
Caribbean bay.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

With you they se a winkle barge sinking off the end of
Southend pier.

No, because I don't need all the bullion and perfume and
the white shoes. I'm natural - I'm me, Del, I'm me.

Yes, I know you're you, that's
why you always end up with a dog.

I don't go out with dogs!

Leave it off Rodney, you've had more dogs than Crufts.
The other week Grandad took your suit to the cleaners

and found a muzzle in the pocket. No Rodney, I know the secret,
that's why I always blag the good 'uns

the air hostesses and part-time models...Oh yes bruv
I got the secret - it never fails me

Got a bone handy Rodders?
I think you've cracked it again.

I wouldn't mind a sit down,
the pins are aching.

Amazing innit? I mean look at us - the Peckham Playboys and
I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad.

I thought you'd be used to it. The only thing you ever pull
at Christmas is yer cracker.

There's a table free over there, Rodders look lively.

- Hey Del, look.
- What?

Ah no, they've only pinched
our table.

Never mind about the table,
Del. Look at them two.

- But I want to sit down.
- We'll sit at their table. Come on.

- Well go on then Del!
- Go on then what?

Do the bizzo. Chat 'em up.

How come it's always me who's gotta do the donkey work, eh?
You're like a spy you are, Rodders.

You find where the enemy is hiding but I'm the one who's
gotta charge across no man's land and do the capturing!

Well I think it's about
time you took a bit of shot and shell. Go on.

- You mean chat 'em up?
- Yeah. Go on.

- Alright then, I'll do it.
- Go on then.

I will.

What you doing?

What you doing?

Psyching meself up.

It's alright, he'll be with you in a minute girls, he's
just psyching himself up.

Shut up, will
you?!

Come on, behave yourself. This is kamikaze
time, get over there!

- I will!
- Well go on then!

In my own time, Del!

Well go on then.

Just shut up, will you?

Oi soppy. Come here.

I'd like to kill you sometimes.
Sometimes I'd really like to hurt you bad.

What was that silly walk for?
Your guts playing you up again?

It wasn't a silly walk. It was
body language. I've got this book on it.

Body language? I thought you
were limping.

I was 'talking' to them!

Talking? You were lisping.
What was you supposed to be saying?

The walk was saying pelvis, virility. It was saying here
comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity!

Well from back here it was saying here comes a man who's
got his truss on back to front.

Don't do it. Go over
again and this time, walk normal.

I'm not going back there now,
Del. I've made myself look a right lemon.

No you haven't.

What after aborting me attempt
half-way? You go.

Me? After you've made a right lemon of yourself? No way
bruv! I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll act cool.

We'll stroll casually over the bar and get ourselves a
drink. Then when they're not looking.

Sneak out.

No. When they're not looking we'll ambush 'em.
You wally. Come on.

Right I've got it. No, shut up, shut up.
This is what we're gonna do. You leave the club.

Leave?

Yeah, then give it a couple of minutes
and come back to the doorman and say

that there's a brand-new Rolls Royce
Corniche obstructing your three-wheeled van.

Why?

Because he'll announce over the mike 'Would the owner of
the brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche kindly move it

as it's obstructing some sap's three-wheeled van! Then
I will casually getup, jangling me keys, and join you outside.

Why?

Well because them two birds will think that I drive a
brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche.

Oh yeah, Yeah, but they'll also
think that I drive a three-wheeled van.

But you do.

I know I do, but I don't want
them knowing that, do I!

But they won't know that will
they 'cause you'll be outside.

- Yeah with you.
- Right.

So that means the girls will be in here in the warm
and us two shrewdies'll be outside on the pavement somewhere

congratulating each other!
And then we'll have to pay to get back in again.

Yeah yeah alright clever Dick! Look, let's just play it by
ear, shall we. We'll go over there and engage 'em in conversation.

Oh no, hold it minute Del.

What sort of conversation you going to engage them in? I
mean you always tell lies, don't you?

You tell 'em we've got flash cars and we're film
producers and we got a private jet!

Everyone exaggerates now then
Rodney.

But I don't know what to say. I get embarrassed! Let's just
tell 'em the truth. Tell 'em about our likes and what we do.

I just want to
sit down. You can do the talking.

- God Almighty.
- What shall I say to them?

Tell 'em you went down the auction last Friday
and bought a 1962 A.40

that you sold thirty Christmas trees in the market

and knocked out two gross of
fire salvaged Rubik cubes in Croydon shopping precinct.

Tantalize 'em Rodney,
tantalize 'em.

You don't think it'll bore 'em?

No. They wouldn't have had so
much fun since their last exorcism!

- We can talk about Christmas!
- Yeah, tell 'em about them giblets. Let's go.

- No Del, hold it.
- I'll kick you in the shins in a minute. Now what?

Which one d'you fancy?

Not yours, Look,
they're both very nice. I ain't particular.

- No, I'm not particular neither.
- Good! I'll have the blonde one then.

I fancied the blonde one!

Gordon Bennett!! The darkhaired one's very nice.
And if I'm not mistaken I've seen her two or three times

coming out of Guy's hospital.
Now either she's a very sick girl or she's a nurse.

Now you like a nice nurse, don't you,
particularly in uniform, eh?

Take it or leave it. Anyway
she's not wearing her uniform, is she?

Well of course not. You don't come to the Monte Carlo club
dressed up as Sister George do you.

But she might have her
uniform with her.

Oh yeah! Stuffed in her handbag
in case she sees an accident on the way home.

Alright, so she ain't got her uniform with her.

But on the other hand, she might have
something for your stomach might'n she.

Now come along, we're gonna make our move,
and I'm doing all the talking.

So if you should hear things like Lamborghini,
Malibu Beach or Lady Diana, don't get nervous.

Alright then.

You dozy little twonk, Rodney.

Me? Don't blame me Del, it's
your fault.

Five minutes ago I was ready to make my
move, but you kept calling me back.

An hour ago I was half-way
across that floor and you called me back.

That's 'cause you was doing a silly walk.
And anyway your timing was all wrong.

The birds had hardly sat down and you were steaming
across that floor like Ivor the Engine.

It's no good just crashing in with a smile and a prayer.
A woman needs time, Rodney.

Them tactics have never failed
me in the past.

Well they wouldn't with them Ovaltinies you chat up.
I've heard your line of patter my son.

If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the
Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit?

With me, it's different. I take a woman's
feelings into consideration.

I do. When a woman goes out with me she is guaranteed
three things - well four actually,

but the fourth's an optional extra.
She's guaranteed a well dressed man.

She is guaranteed a steak meal. And she is guaranteed
care and consideration. Oh yes she is.

I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
It's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word,

a badly timed gesture.
No, I care about women's feelings.

There's too much pain in this world Rodney
without me causing more!

Excuse me, Ladies.

It's getting rather late and my brother and I were wondering
if you were thinking of going home yet?

Oh yes, we were just going to
get our coats.

Oh good, we can have your
chairs then, can't we?

Come on Rodney. Excuse me love.