All language subtitles for Only Fools S01 E01 Big Brother

That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he Rodney?
He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming To Dinner.

Yeah, knockout Grandad. Sidney Potter?

Yeah, you know him, always
plays the black fella.

It's Sidney Poitier.

Sidney Potter!

Look, it's Poitier.

It's Potter.

It's bloody Poitier I'm telling you.

And I'm telling you it's bloody Potter.

Are you two at it again, are you?

Del, how do you pronounce that fella's name
on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Sidney Potter?

Personally I'd pronounce it
Harry Belafonte, but you two please yourselves

You daft old sod, it was Harry
Belafonte all along.

Well I wondered why Sidney Potter kept
bursting into song...I don't like Harry Belafonte.

S'il vous plait, s'il vous plait, what an enigma. I get
better looking every day. I can't wait for tomorrow.

Oh, do you know, I think I'm
suffering from something incurable

Still, never mind, eh! Oi, come
on Rodney, shake leg, we've got a meeting at 12.

What are you doing?

Our accounts.

You keeping accounts now?

Well there you are Grandad,

a lot of people told me I was a right dipstick
to make my brother partner in the business,

but this only goes
to prove how bloody right they were.

You dozy little twonk Rodney,
this is prima facie evidence ain't it, eh?

The tax man gets hold of
that he'll put us away for three years.

Don't worry, if the tax man
comes I'll eat it.

This is the only way I can keep a check on
you, Del.

I'm sure you're cheating me in some way
- I just can't figure out how.

Cheating you! Cheating you!
What's that rumbling noise?

I didn't hear anything.

No, it's alright, it's Mum
turning in her grave.

Don't start that again, Del -
it's obvious you're stitching me up.

Look at you, you have
three or four changes of clothes a day.

Me - I've got one suit come from an Almost
New Shop. It gets embarrassing sometimes.

Oh I embarrass you do I? You've
got room to talk.

You have been nothing but an embarrassment to
me from the moment you was born.

You couldn't be like any other brother could you, eh,
and come along a couple of years later after me.

Oh no, not you,
you had to wait 13 years.

So while all the other Mods were having punch-ups down
at Southend and going to the Who concerts,

I was at home baby-sitting!

I could never get your oystermilk stains out
of me Ben Shermans - I used to find rusks in me Hush Puppies.

Del, I couldn't help it when I
was born.

Oh there you go, there you are,
you see it's any excuse with you innit, eh?

What d'you think bout poor old Mum then,
eh? Do you know that she was 39 when she fell for you?

For the first three months of the
pregnancy you were treated as an ulcer.

And to this day I
sometimes think the original diagnosis was correct.

Look eh, come on, what sort of
bloke do you think I am? Cheat me own brother?

Come on Rodney I told you before haven't I, it's everything
between you and I split straight down the middle, 60-40.

Yeah, well explain this to me
then Del.

How do you manage to
pay for the light, gas and rent in this place, eh?

I mean, take last week. We went to the auction right, we
bought a gross of disposable lighters, a space invaders game,

two facial saunas, five
water-damaged sleeping bags, and a moon-roof for a Peugeot.

Right. Then we swopped the
lot for a van-load of one-legged turkeys.

They was not one-legged turkeys.
They was damaged turkeys.

How many legs did they have
Del?

I'm in no mood for trick
questions

Anyway you haven't put down the
VAT.

We don't pay VAT.

I know but we collect it, though, don't we eh?
Alright Rodney, alright.

Look, so we don't pay VAT - we don't pay income tax
or national insurance.

On the other hand, we don't claim dole money,
social security, supplementary benefit do we, eh, eh?

The Government don't give
us nothing, so we don't give the Government nothing.

Right.
What you complaining about?

Look, I'm 23, I'd like to
think I had some sort of a career.

You're self un-employed, that's a
career, innit?

What, selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street? I
want something better than that Del.

Alright, alright, in future you
can do Regent Street. Come on.

Cheers.

And it's Poitier.

Potter.

It's Poitier.

Hello Del.

Hello darling, how are you,
alright?

- Fine thanks.
- Good.

Do you realise we've always had
something missing in our lives.

First we was motherless, then
we were fatherless

and now we're flogging one-legged
turkeys from a three-wheeled van.

Little acorns.

What, you got one of them
missing as well Del?

No. Marks and Spencers started
off with a barrow

At least they had four wheels

Stop going on about that van
will you.

Morning, Del Boy.

Bonjour, Joycie. Two half pints
of your finest low-carbohydrate beer, thank you.

D'you want it in glasses?

Yes please, otherwise it
dribbles through yer fingers!

I meant do you want it in
glasses or jugs?

As long as it is served by your fair hands Joycie, we'd
drink it out of Evonne Goolagong's old tennis boots.

Look at that...Charm like laser
beams, eh Rodney. Knocks 'em bandy.

Yeah, it's your ready wit and
three-wheeled van that blows their minds Del.

Yeah, I suppose I am full of the old bel esprit, really
ain't I? Actually I quite like old Joycie.

I mean, fair play, she's a bit of an old dog,
but there again you know I quite like old dogs.

I mean you know where you are with
'em, don't you, eh?

They never ask you if you still respect 'em in the morning
and they'll always lend you a nicker for petrol!

You know. I like this life though. Don't you Rodders,
eh, ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing!

You know
it's exciting ain't it, unpredictable.

You know in this game you can go out in
the morning with 50 pence in your pocket...

And come home at night skint

Exactly. Yeah.

I'm thinking about getting a
job Del!

Eh, what chance have you got of getting a job? Do leave it
out, have you heard that, you heard that Joycie?

He's only
thinking of getting a job, ain't he, eh?

A job eh!

I've got GCE's and I took a
year's course at the art college in Basingstoke.

Yes, I know you took a year's course, but you got expelled
after three weeks didn't you, eh?

The Board of Governors
were doing their annual inspection

and found you camped in your little room
with the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh.

Zonked out on your bed with some
Chinese tart!

She was a Chinese tart

Well, Chinese - Japanese, it's
all the same to me.

Alright, alright, supposing you go for
a job, and you go for the interview, eh?

What you going to say to the manager? You're
going to say, 'Oh yes sir,

I've got qualifications and
experience, sir yeah.

I've got two GCEs, an 18 month suspended
sentence and I know a good joint when I puff one.'

No, your feet won't touch bruv! No, no, I'm afraid not
Rodney, at the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper.

Society has placed you in the darkest corner
of its deepest cellar to grow moss and be forgotten about!

Still never mind, eh? Viva la France as they sy in
Rome. No need to get depressed.

Oh, me depressed? No, of course not Del. I'm on top of the
world, I feel like a born again eunuch.

I think I'll apply for
a mail-order course with EXIT!

That's a good idea Rodney, never
say die.

How are you? Alright. Terrific.

Oh, there he is, oi Trigger!
Here, you know my brother don't you, eh?

Yeah, course I do, how you
going Dave?

Sorry I'm late Del Boy, I had to pop round me
sister's to arrange an alibi for next Thursday.

What?

Why d'they call him Trigger?
Does he carry a gun?

No, it's cos he looks like an
'orse!

Listen, me and the Trigger have got some business
to discuss, like, you know what I mean.

Okay, so you get the
drinks and meet us back here, over by the table, alright?

Oh arr, sir. Anything you say,
sir, borrow me daughter, sir?

No, no, very clever kid you know my brother. Yeah, got two
GCEs, one in Maths, one in Art.

You wanna see him when he
writes a letter. Some of the words he uses.

What long ones?

Well they're like that, you
know some of 'em. Anyway, what you selling?

This!

I've got 25 of them all told,
the others are in the car.

I thought I won't wrap it up,
parcels attract attention these days,

best to carry it
openly then it don't look conspicuous!

Oh yeah, yeah, that's good
thinking - that Trigg. Yeah, very good thinking.

Goes so well with your sling-back
wellington boots and your off-the-shoulder donkey jacket.

You look like an
executive hod-carrier!

Let's have a look anyway. Oi,
Rodders, what d'you think of this, infra-dig, innit eh?

It's plastic.

Plastic? It's Old English
vinyl! With combination locks, yeah dinky little handle

I dunno we might be able to put
some of 'em round the old squash clubs, eh?

We shouldn't have anything to do with them Del.
The police are probably looking for them right now.

Tell us the truth, are the
police looking for these things, Trig?

No they're not Del, and that's
the truth

Why are you hiding it under
the table, then?

'Cos you never know when
they're gonna start looking for 'em, do you?

Leave 'em, Del. Leave 'em.

Oi, we're partners, at least
respect my opinion.

Alright, alright Rodney, I'll
respect your opinion!

How much...

To you, Del Boy, 17 pounds
each!

You know what happened to the
real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed!

Alright then - 14

14, leave it out. Five.

12.

- Six.
- Ten.

- Nine.
- Eight.

Done!

That's the way to do business
Dave.

Right, okay Trig, let's work
that out. That's eight times 25 equals, 175, okay?

200.

What? No, no - Rodney, no, no,
no. The calculator says 175, alright.

Yeah, but he's got GCEs in
Maths and Art!

So what does that prove, he can paint by numbers.
Look Trig, I mean this is a calculator innit, eh?

You know what I mean look - calculator says
175, you can't argue with a calculator can you, you know

Give it here.

25 times eight equals - 200!

Oh yeah! Look at that. I must
have got my finger stuck on the button, yeah.

Pianist's fingers, Del.

Yeah! Yeah, you wanna look after
them Rodney, they break very easily.

You've gotta see 'em to believe 'em Spiros. Yeah. Ah, I dunno
hang on a minute, oi Grandad, where were they made?

It don't say...There's some
Chinese writing on 'em though.

No, no, no it didn't actually give the maker's name
Spiros, but then again the best ones never do, do they?

You know what I mean. Yeah.

How's it going?

That's about the 15th.

- Briefcase he's sold?
- Phone call he's made.

Yeah, yeah, well I'd get in while the going's good if I was
you Spiros, I've only got 25 left!

This is a cheeseburger! I
asked for an Emperor-burger.

I couldn't afford an Emperor-
burger.

He got me a cheeseburger.

I asked him for an Emperor-
burger, and he brings me back a cheeseburger!

Yes, yes, hang on a minute
Spiros. Will you just hang on.

Look, what's he on about now?

He asked me to get him an Emperor burger,
but I couldn't afford it so I got him a cheeseburger!

Bloody Emperor-burgers and cheese-burgers! I'm trying to
do a deal here. Now shut up will you!

No, no, not you Spiros, no, no me old mate. Alright,
how many of these briefcases can I put you down for?

Ah, none! Right thanks,
great - yeah, alright, see you around

I told you the best thing to
do with them cases didn't I! Chuck 'em in the river!

Chuck 'em in the river! Chuck
em in the river! That's our profit you're talking about.

What do you think this is - a
ationalised industry?

He knows I hate cheese!

Will you stop going on about
hat rotten cheeseburger, will you!

Ah, Dougie Sadler, he owns the
stationers in the High Street, he's our boy Rodders!

I don't know why he bothers!

He's a tryer ain't he! Your
Dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top!

There again he used to say
Millwall would win the cup!

Hello Dougie? Del Boy! How's your luck pal? Good! Family?
Soooper! Dougie look, I'm phoning about some briefcases!

Yeah? Go on, what a choker!

25 of 'em nicked from his shop
last week!!

Oh God!

No, no, no I'm not trying...Not
no sell any no, no, no.

No I wanted to buy some, you see,
yeah I've got this, er, contact on the stock exchange. Yeah.

Em, by the way Dougie, old pal, what were you
selling them for? What d'you mean they were rejects?

Oh beautiful! We've bought a
consignment of rejects!

What. what was wrong with them? Oh I see, yeah,
yeah, I mean who'd be daft enough to nick them eh?

Yeah,
who'd be stupid enough to buy hem? Yeah I know.

I'll pop own and see you next week when you get
some more in.Bye bye Doug. See you around.

God struth.

Alright, so what's wrong with hem?

Open one!

What's the combination?

No sod knows, that's why
hey're rejects!

There's meant to be a bit of
paper with them, giving you the combination?

Yes, there is, it's inside the
briefcase innit. Cock-up at the factory.

Nice going Del Boy! You have bought 25 executive briefcases
that can only be opened by professional safe crackers!

This makes the one-legged
turkey deal look shrewd!

Alright, Rodney that's he way I'm made innit eh? You
know, crash in and to to hell with the consequences.

He who
dares wins! The French have a word for people like me.

Yeah, the English have got a couple of good 'uns an' all! I
told you all along not to touch them didn't I?

Yeah alright, alright, well
it's got nothing to do with you has it!

But we're partners! Ain't we? Oh I see, the truth's coming
out now. Well come on Del let's have it out in the open!

Then how do you see our respective
roles in this 'partnership'?

I see it as a combination of my business acumen, contacts
and money, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van!

Badly! Or did you see yourself
in a different role?

Well, yes I did! With my qualifications I saw myself in
the capacity of a financial adviser!

A financial adviser? Bonjour
Trieste, you are beautiful, you are Rodney!

Today I'd just about clinched a deal to buy
these briefcases for 175 pounds,

when my financial adviser stuck his
nose in and advised me to pay 200 pounds. Right!

And having paid the 200 pounds my financial adviser then
advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river!

Now with financial advisers like that
who needs a bleeding recession!

What kind of financial adviser goes out to buy an Emperor-
burger and comes back with a cheeseburger?

Will you stop going on about
that ruddy cheeseburger!

Eat it, will you!

Get off him. It's against the law to force-feed a senior
citizen with a cheeseburger and you know he hates 'em!!

Well what did you buy it for
him for?

It's all I could afford!! You
make my life a misery, you do.

Here, oi, just a moment! What
was the last remark about me making your life a misery?

Yeah well, you do Del with your
over-bearing, over-protective manner!

Let me remind you Rodney that you were a six-year old little
nipper when God smiled on Mum and made her die!

Two months after that Dad packed his bags
and left us to fend for ourselves.

It was me that kept
us together, nothing to do with Grandad!

He was an out- of-work, lamp-fitter waiting
for gas to make a comeback!

I grafted 19 to 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table
- alright, it wasn't always double legal -

but you ate the
finest food that was going!

All you ever gave me was TV dinners and convenience foods!
If it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it.

If you had been in charge of
the last supper it would have been a take-away!

Well anything was better than
the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!

Del, look, don't get me wrong
- Im, I'm grateful.

I don't want your gratitude, ungrateful little git! I don't
know what is the matter with you Rodney.

Sometimes I
hesitate to tell people that you're my brother!

Well, I always say I'm your
social worker!

Do you mind telling me exactly
what it is that has made your life a misery?

Well, you've always treated me like a child! I was the only sixth
former in my grammer school who wore short trousers!

Yeah, well, I got 'em cheap
didn't I?

But I was 15, Del. I was growing hairs and things! My
legs looked like Italian footballers!

And you'd never let me do anything on my own,
would you? You even had to help me with my GCE studies!

You passed in two subjects.

I failed in the other eight Del. I mean you embarrass me,
that's why I never bring women home!

Oh you know some women do you?
Cor, that's a turn up for the book!

The only bird I've ever heard you mention was old
Shanghai Lil from the art college in Basingstoke.

Even then you had to drug her
before you could get your leg over!

No I didn't.

What, you didn't drug her or
didn't get your leg over?

You're suffocating me Del! I'm getting out of this house! I'm
going to prove to you I can survive on my own!

I'm going to the pub!

What to prove you can survive
on your own?

No, to get legless! I don't
need you no more Del, I don't need you for nothing!!

I was just, I was just wondering...

I think he's very much like
you Grandad!

What, dignified in defeat?

No, a ponce!

No, no, I'm sure these can't be the ones they're looking for.
No, no, I wouldn't do that to a mate, now would I, eh?

No, don't you say nothing to 'em
you Wally! I mean you can't trust the Old Bill can you!

I mean, look at that time when they planted six gas
cookers in my bedroom! Yeah, alright, don't worry, okay.

I'll see you around! Rodney?

Where was you first thing this
morning?

I was out tryin' to sell these
things

Did you call Rodney?

No, I thought I'd let him lie
in and sleep his hangover off. Is he still in bed?

No, he's gone!

Gone?

Packed his ruck-sack and had it
away on his toes!

What do you mean gone? Where's
he gone?

Hong Kong.

Hong Kong? What do you mean Hong Kong?

Hong Kong. It's in China.

I know where Hong Kong is! What
I want to know is what's Rodney doing there?

He said he was gonna hitch-hike
there to see that bird from the art college.

Who? Shanghai Lil? But she's in Basingstoke, so what's
Master mind doing on the road to Hong Kong?

No, that's where she is now.
She got deported after the drugs trial.

Here, just a minute. What did you do, say or cook for him
that was so awful it forced him to leave?

It weren't me. It was that row
last night. He's gone to prove himself

Prove himself, no it's just one of Rodney's little games,
that's all. He'd never reach Hong Kong.

He has trouble finding Clapham.

- He seemed determined.
- Well didn't you do anything?

Well yeah, I made him some
sandwiches.

And he took them? Blimey, this is worse than I thought! No,
wait a minute, he ain't got no money!

He took his post office book
with him. Can't you go and search for him?

He's been gone about seven hours,
the farthest he could have got is France.

Oh that's alright, we've got him
cornered then, ain't we, eh!

Ring up Interpol!

Interpol? Interpol? I'd get
more joy out of Interflora...

But he might be in danger. You
could explain to them what Rodney's like.

I'm sorry, I don't know the French for pranny! Hong Kong!! I
mean...Hong Kong! Why didn't he tell me where he was going.

He could have taken these
bleedin' things back with him!

A2 F2. Enter, illegal move. A2,
B2. Enter, illegal move.

This thing still ain't working
properly.

That's because you're playing draughts on it. It's a talking
chess game, you can't play draughts on a talking chess game.

Why not?

Because you're supposed to play
chess on it, that's why it's called a talking chess game.

You've already blown the micro-
chip twice trying to huff the rook and what 'ave yer!

It's supposed to have an
electronic brain?

It has got an electronic brain,
but it didn't know it was gonna have the misfortune

to fall into the hands of a soppy old
duffer who wants to play draughts on it, did it?

But I can't play chess! Why
don't they invent a talking draughts game?

Because if they did you'd most
probably want to play bloody ludo on it...

Rodney's back Del...Look,
he's here. You hungry Rodney?

Starving. I haven't eaten for
two days.

Shall I cook you something?

No, no, no, no!! A cup of tea,
perhaps!

- Old place don't change much.
- No, same as ever!

It's really good to be back Del!

Don't you think you're over doing the prodigal's
return a bit. You've only been gone six days.

Well, it might seem like six
days to you Del, but to me it seemed like more...

A week? I take it you didn't
reach Hong Kong! How far d'you get?

- South of France...St Tropez.
- St Tropez, oh very mal de mer!

Problem.

- 85 in the shade.
- What were the birds like?

Mostly French...

I met one English girl
there, Veronica, her father's a millionaire tax exile.

- Tax exile is he?
- Illegal move.

Had a boat had he? You know
parked out in the bay?

A yacht anchored off-shore. They invited me
over for dinner one night! I didn't go though.

Still had some of Grandad's
sandwiches left did ya?

No, that night I packed my bags and headed home...
I was homesick you see...I missed......that!

You must be joking. The only
people who ever missed that was the ruddy Luftwaffe!

It may not be much to you Del, but to me it's got a raw and
savage beauty. You forget that I've got artist's eyes Del.

Yes, you've got pianist's fingers...Italian footballer's
legs. You ever thought of applying for a disability allowance?

I know you'll never understand what I mean Del,

but you've got to suffer paradise before
you can realise what you left behind.

Your home, your family...

Your passport...

Your passport...My passport!! You knew didn't you? You let
me go through all that and all the time you knew!

Where did you find it?

Top of your wardrobe! We were expecting a visit from the local
gendarmes and I thought I'd better check out

just in case you'd left any of that exotic
tobacco lying about. No, I knew it was just a moody Rodney.

I told Grandad it was
just one of Rodney's little games.

It must be wonderful to be you
Del, to always be right!

I know. It gets a bit embarrassing at times.
I'll tell you another thing shall I Rodney?

You said that I would never
get rid of them briefcases!

And you did, didn't you Del?

Yes I did! I chucked the bleedin'
lot in the river!

No. You threw 'em all in the
river?

Yep, every last one of them! They floated - that was a bit
unforeseen. Probably rounding Tilbury about now.

200 quid down the Swanee eh -
well, in this case the Thames!

St Tropez! How far did you
really get?

The Shangri La doss house Stoke
Newington! I shared a room with some cholera cultures!

Your move.

Well, what do you fancy, shall
we go down the pub and act stupid,

or shall we sail across to Veronica's dad's
yacht for tiffin?

No, best not to go to the yacht,
we might bump into those bloody briefcases half-way.

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