Original subtitles

BEEP

Do you need bags?

Uh, yeah, just the 5p ones, please.

These ones are 15p.

15p?!

No, I can carry all this.

OK.

Ah.

Lucky I got the pockets.

Hm.

Uh-huh. HE WHISTLES

HE MUMBLES

There...

GRUNTING

Yep, he's gone.

WHISTLING

Poke it round the back.

Thank you. It's two for one on those.

MUMBLING

Good I've got muscles.

Yeah, right.

That in here.

Right.

Bananas.

In there.

HE WHISTLES

Yeah, nearly there.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

HE CHUCKLES

Hah...

Cash or card? Uh, card, please.

BLEEP

Would you like your receipt?

Oh, no, thank you.

See you later.

Oh, I like the pink and cream, but it's not very you, is it, Leslie?

Nah, plain white's more me.

Yeah, simple.

Your mum would have liked the white, and it is a fair bit cheaper.

Everything is so expensive in here, Dad, are you sure?

Money's not important. No.

No.

We're getting there, though.

PHONE VIBRATES Oh, great.

It's one of my painters, Jessock. He can't do tomorrow now.

Another job I'm going to have to cancel. Is it just painting?

Cos I could do that. No, no, this is skilled decorating work.

Oh, but he painted over all the mould in the bathroom,

and it looks absolutely fine. Yeah.

This is a new customer. I can't risk a bad review.

Give him a chance, Dad. We need the money.

What if he screws up? How can he do that?

OK, I suppose it is just a dining room and a hallway.

Cheers, Chris.

Thanks, Dad.

I won't let you down, Chris.

Hey, what about these ones?

CHINA BREAKING

Oh, God.

Wait, you see how yours and Dave's overalls are paint splattered?

Yeah.

Look at mine. They're brand-new.

So? Well, it's a bit of a giveaway, isn't it?

What do you want me to do?

Can we swap?

No.

Can you ask Dave? No, I can't ask Dave.

Look, this old boy is so short-sighted he won't even notice.

Now, go and ring on the doorbell, cos we've got another job to go to.

Seriously, Chris. If I don't look the part, I won't feel the part.

HE SIGHS

OK. Come on. Quick.

Now, I'm only working nearby, all right?

Please call me if you need any help.

It's one room and a hallway.

What sort of idiot would I be if I needed help with that, eh?

Or text me.

I'm not calling or texting.

I'm going to show exactly what sort of man your daughter's marrying.

Oh, a bit more on the legs. Like a splatter.

Right, that's your lot. We've got to go.

Cheers, Chris.

HE GIGGLES

Cheers, Dave.

DOORBELL RINGS

Morning. Uh, Graham, is it?

Yes.

Hi, I'm Leslie. Here to do the painting. You're late.

Come in.

Oh, uh, mind your backs.

All right, all right. I can see you.

Everything all right, Graham?

Yeah, look, I'm sorry, but the last time I had the decorators in,

they left paint everywhere

and they put everything back in the wrong place.

Basically, they did a terrible job.

Bunch of cowboys? Well, they certainly took advantage of me

because I was older.

And that's what kicked off my daughter into thinking

she could stick me into a home.

That's awful, mate.

Well, don't worry.

Us at Chris Smith, we always do a very professional job.

Oh, well, it's good to hear it.

So...you been doing this long, then?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Mm. Well, it's the hall ceiling,

and in here, it's this wall

and it's this wall.

And I'd put some sheets down to protect the carpet.

Nice one, Graham.

Just off down the shops. Be back in a bit.

HE WHISTLES

WHISTLING

WHISTLING A TUNE

GRUNTING

WOOD BREAKS

HE GROANS

HE GRUNTS

Um...

Uh...

There.

HE PANTS

BUGLE RINGTONE PLAYS

Oh...

Hi, Jem.

Hey, Dad was just wondering if you'd dropped your phone

in some paint or something cos you haven't called him yet.

Oh, did he, actually? Well, everything's going very well,

if you must know.

Is the man nice?

Um, yes, sort of.

Can I go now? OK. I'll leave you to it. Just making sure you're OK.

Yeah. Yeah, don't worry about me, babe. I'm absolutely smashing it.

See you later. I'm... Oh. He's gone.

My fiance.

TOOLS CLATTER ON THE FLOOR

Urgh!

Oh...

Yeah.

DOOR CLOSES All right?

How's it going? Oh, yeah, fine.

Just...on lunch.

Oh. And have you got some?

What? Lunch.

Oh, no.

Well, I've made a stew, if you want some.

Oh, thanks, Graham. That'll be lovely.

Liver and onions. Oh... Yummy.

I'm sorry if I was grumpy earlier.

Oh. That's all right, mate.

My daughter, she was meant to be coming round,

but then she changed her plans and I got a bit upset.

I get quite lonely, you see.

Have you got any children, Leslie?

No, but me and my fiance, we'd really like some.

Oh. Well, if I were you, I'd get started.

It's never the right time, if you wait.

That's my April, there.

Oh, yeah. She's a bit of a looker, isn't she, Graham?

It was her first day at school!

Oh, sorry. I was looking at the graduation picture when I said that.

Oh, you mean this one, here?

And that's the love of my life, God rest her soul.

And that is Sandy.

Ah, I miss her every day. She got so mucky on our walks,

I used to have to hose her down in the garden.

And she was so loving, she'd slobber all over you.

And she loved the postman. Yeah, and then one day,

she chased a squirrel into the road and...car hit her.

Oh, dear.

So, why does April want to put you in a home?

Oh, she reckons my eyesight's going.

Yeah. Right.

The thing about getting old, Leslie, is inside,

I don't feel any different to when I was 30.

Maybe me eyesight is a little bit worse, but...

You said you were lonely.

Wouldn't you have more people around you if you were in a home?

Yeah, a load of old people.

You should tell April how you're feeling.

She might not realise.

Nah. She's busy at work, I don't want to trouble her.

You're a good guy, Leslie.

A lot better than them cowboys I had here last time.

Cheers, Gray.

Do you know?

They left a great big paint circle on the carpet over there.

What? Yeah, I didn't see it until after they'd gone.

Terrible. Was it...by the wall, over there?

Yes. Big white circle.

Oh...dear.

Well, I'd better crack on cos, um, I've got the hallway to do, Graham.

Thanks very much for this.

Cor! You've hoovered that up. I'll have to give you some to take home.

Mm. Yes, please.

You all right?

Oh! You've got the broken chair.

I've been meaning to have that fixed.

WHISTLES HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE BALL

GRAHAM JOINS IN

TAPPING TEASPOON IN TIME

RHYTHMICALLY TAPPPING DUSTPAN

DRUMS ON PAINT LIDS

What was that? Oh... Sorry, Graham. That was my brush.

I thought you were going to catch it,

it was going to be kind of our big finish.

Oh! Well, we could give it another go, if you want.

Be a bit weird, wouldn't it? Ah... It would be weird, wouldn't it?

Great. Well, tea. It's milk and two sugars, yeah?

I'm going for my afternoon nap. All right.

Night-night.

Ooh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh...

Well, I'm all done, Gray. Everything's finished.

Well, thanks. You've done a great job, Leslie.

My boss will pick up all this stuff in a bit.

It's been nice having you round today. Yeah, likewise, Gray.

Oh, and you know that circle of paint the cowboys left?

I got rid of it for you. Sorted.

You did? Blimey!

Well, thank you very much. All part of the Chris Smith service.

Make sure you give the company a good review.

Really help me out.

I will, yeah. I'll get me daughter to write it.

She's coming round later.

She's what? You were right, I did what you said

and I told her I was a bit lonely and she's coming round later.

Later today?

Yeah. Well, I told her I'd had another thought about going

into the home, so she's coming round to talk about it.

And I think I'll pop out and buy a bottle of wine.

Anyway, thanks again, Leslie.

Oh...

You weren't busy? I was, actually.

I was spring cleaning my dating apps, having a bit of a cull.

I've let a lot of women down today.

Have you put a bet on the Grand National yet?

I've only got 50 quid to my name, until I get paid.

So I put it all on New Year's Lad. Oh!

That will never come in.

Yeah, but if it does, it's great odds,

then I can help out Jemma's dad paying for the wedding.

Has he warmed up to you, yet?

Not really, mate. I might be being paranoid,

but I think he thinks I'm not good enough for Jemma.

I suppose you are punching a bit. Which is why I need this.

Got to nail this job. He should be happy though,

cos it means you're less likely to cheat on her.

You do know I can easily make you not the best man?

HE CHUCKLES

Who else would you have, though?

Well, I'm getting on pretty well with the bloke whose house

I'm painting, actually.

So, wind your neck in.

Hm. Now, be careful with that. It's not a toy.

I'm serious.

Sweet.

Sour.

Put your seatbelt on.

Ooh! Shut my door?

Now, have I got me...?

No, I need to get...

MUTTERS

Ooh.

GUN FIRES

KEY IN LOCK

WHISTLING

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm coming.

Yes?

No! I was not involved in an accident last week!

Why can't you people just leave me alone?

TV: Herbs are about flavour, not bulk.

So your grandmother planted this in 1940?

Grand National is really hotting up now,

Spanish Boy is two lengths ahead on Summer Love.

And here comes the outsider, New Year's Lad.

Showing fantastic form, as he approaches Becher's Brook.

And White Cliff is now... More or less duplicates of one another.

The idea being a sort of insurance policy against one or

the other area being damaged by disease or a pest.

And pulling away. Not sure anyone's going to catch him now, but oh, no!

He's a faller. The jockey's off. White Cliff is down!

He's out of the race.

This is remarkable stuff and it's the outsider, New Year's Lad.

New year's Lad coming up on the inside to take the lead.

But oh, no! New Year's Lad is down! New Year's Lad is down, yes.

New Year's Lad has fallen. He's out of the race.

That's a bad fall. Sad to see that. Now, who can take advantage of this?

It's Spanish Boy... PHONE RINGS

Not again!

What?!

What's this?

I don't know...

Yes? You again?

No! I've told you! I did not have an accident last week!

But you will, if you ring here again!

What are you talking about? Threatening behaviour?!

MOBILE RINGS

Leslie? Chris, the job's gone all

really well. Um, tiny problem.

I'm stuck in the client's house and he doesn't know I'm here.

What do you mean?!

Well, I finished the job, I had to come back, he came home,

and, Chris, I need you to come and rescue me.

Just ring on the doorbell, get him out of the way, and I'll sneak out.

But you've finished all the painting and it looks good? Oh, yeah.

All finished. Looks the business.

Urgh.

I've got to go, hurry up.

Ooh. Urgh.

GRUNTING

TOILET FLUSHES

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN Yes, I heard you the first time!

Graham? Yes.

Oh, it's Chris Smith here from Chris Smith Decorators.

I'm the boss. I just thought I'd drop by and see

if you were happy with the work my colleague did for you.

Yeah, very happy. Leslie was very nice.

Very professional and he was a joy.

Could I possibly see the work that Leslie did?

I like to maintain standards, even with my experienced tradesmen.

Oh, come in.

Oh, he left a piece of equipment here.

It was in the middle of the lounge floor.

MOUTHS

The strange thing is...

Can I give it to you?

Yeah, sure.

Yes, a useful piece of kit. It's not all brushes and rollers these days.

Anyway, it was the hall, ceiling and these two walls.

Blimey! Lovely finish.

Good edges.

Great. Well, I hope you'll be giving us a good online review, Graham.

Oh, definitely, yes. Leslie was amazing.

Anyway, I'd better go. I'm just at my Dad's.

He got a dried on paint ring off the carpet that was left

here by the last decorators.

Did he? Yeah.

Over here somewhere.

Yeah, completely gone.

I really did a proper job today.

Didn't go over the lines or anything.

Well done, babe.

Do you want a 15p bag?

Yes, please. Two.

Two? Why are you pushing the boat out?

Cos I absolutely smashed it today. I reckon I'm the guy that's going to

put your dad's little company firmly on the map.

Yeah. Could be.

Open your dungarees. Show us there's nothing under there.

I can explain. Don't try anything stupid.

Put your hands up.

Yeah, but my trousers... Put your hands up!

Now, make your way down the stairs. Nice and easy.

Keep coming. And again. One more.

Go!

I hope you won't mention this in your review, Graham.

Head down, keep moving, get in the van!

Close the doors.

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