Original subtitles

MUSIC: When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again

NEWSREEL: It's Support the Troops Week here in Wilmington, Ohio,

plus it's homecoming weekend for Wilmington's Fighting Quakers

and don't forget the big county corn festival is just around the corner.

If this is any indication of how Mr Trump's gonna do,

it's gonna be a landslide for Trump.

Also a reminder about that big Wilmington gun festival,

which is going to be held at the Roberts Center

at the end of the month.

Do you want to see my 357?

A lot of people say that Trump is a clown.

He won't be when he's president.

Around here I ain't heard nobody for Clinton.

And speaking of guns, and the people who want to take them

away from us, controversial filmmaker Michael Moore will

perform a one-man show tonight at the Murphy Theatre.

Trump lost $914 million, but he got out of a lot of taxes for that too,

so that's probably just a good idea.

You know, he didn't get it handed down to him like Hillary did

from her parents.

Ohio Republicans have tried to block Moore from performing in the

state, with one local leader threatening to cut public funds

for the theatre if the show goes on.

I think it's gonna to be close and I think that Hillary's

going to have dead people vote.

There's no word from the theatre's benefactor,

conservative icon Glenn Beck, where he stands on the issue.

Michael Moore needs to go at the back.

'We put the word out,

'we wanted all Texan people to come here tonight.

'We have anybody who's thinking about voting for Donald Trump?'

APPLAUSE

'Good, thank you, welcome.

'How many people here are voting for Hillary?'

APPLAUSE 'Wow.

'So we've got a good mix here tonight.

'Trump voters, we've got Hillary voters,

'we've got people who aren't sure who they're gonna vote for,

'we've got people who aren't gonna vote at all.

'How about third-party people?

'Anybody voting for a third-party candidate?'

APPLAUSE

'Can I ask you where Aleppo is?

LAUGHTER 'Just kidding, just kidding.'

The only thing you need to know about Wilmington,

it's the birthplace of the banana split.

APPLAUSE

How about that, huh?

Hold the nuts!

LAUGHTER

Well, Wilmington, Ohio, here, is the county seat

of Clinton County, Ohio.

LAUGHTER

The irony was not lost on me,

probably from the first minute I entered this town.

It may be called Clinton County, but it's not Clinton country.

LAUGHTER

I mean, seriously, Trump got four times as many votes here than

Hillary did in the primary.

QUIET APPLAUSE

I'll tell you one thing,

if this eases your mind at all.

I have never voted for Hillary Clinton.

I voted for Obama in the primary in 2008,

and I voted for Bernie in the primary this year.

Actually, I never voted for Bill.

Back then, I think I voted for Nader in '96 and '92 was probably

a third-party thing because Clinton was just too...

A very conservative Democrat.

So I've never really voted for Hillary.

I am not a Hillary voter.

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

You can applaud that.

So I met one of the five Democrats in town...

LAUGHTER

And he comes up to me yesterday and he goes, "Mike, Mike,

"we've got to do something about the millennials!

"They're not gonna vote! They're not voting!

"What are we gonna do about the millennials?"

And I said, "Well, nothing.

"We already did something, we raised them."

That was a lot!

We raised this generation, my generation did, right?

We raised you, those of you who are millennials in here.

But you turned out, I think, pretty good.

I think your generation is...

APPLAUSE Yes.

It's not the kids I'm worried about.

The kids are all right. LAUGHTER

It's the angry white guy.

His days are numbered.

Total number of white guys over the age of 35 now in the

United States - 19 %.

That's all we are, guys.

APPLAUSE

Hey!

Hey!

What, they're cheering our demise!

LAUGHTER

Our extinction!

That's what's going on here, you know that, right?

We know it, we guys know it.

We know it's over for us.

We had a good run. 10,000 years, wasn't bad, right, guys?

Right?

APPLAUSE It was...

And now here we are in the 21st century.

For the first time ever, there are

more single women than married woman.

Are you aware of this?

APPLAUSE

See here, see that, guys?

Yeah, yeah, cos they don't need us.

LAUGHTER

There's now more women that go to college than men.

There's more women in law school than men.

APPLAUSE

Whoa, no!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

I predict anthropologists that will note the moment it happened,

when it was clear that men were on the way out and the women

were on their way in, and it was the Super Bowl this past year.

You know, it's the half-time show,

Coldplay is playing one of their nice songs...

# Ooh, I love you

# Ooh... #

And then, Bruno Mars came on and then that sort of confused

a lot of guys watching the half-time show.

"Ooh, ooh. What is THIS?"

And then, all of a sudden, right in the middle of Bruno's song,

out comes Beyonce and 500 women in these uniforms,

with their fists clenched and raised,

and their shit kicking boots on, taking the...

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

I was like, "Oh, my... Wait, that's our game!"

"What's she doing here?!"

That's where we're ending up.

Guys know it and that's why they're at the Trump rallies!

And, finally, Mother Nature.

There are now less boy babies being born.

Mother Nature has looked at the situation,

has decided that men are bad for the planet.

LAUGHTER

No woman have ever built a smokestack.

No woman has invented an atomic or a hydrogen bomb.

And no woman, no girls, go into schools and shoot them up.

Not a single one of these school shootings are girls, are they

How can that be?

Think about that.

It's not just school shootings, it's like,

women generally don't shoot you...

LAUGHTER

..unless you deserve it.

I mean...

Usually when a woman shoots her husband, or her boyfriend,

some thought has gone into it.

That's actually true with most crimes.

How many female arsonists are there?

Or burglars?

Or rapists?

Is a woman gonna mug you?

Whatever you're afraid of does not wear a dress...

..or a pant suits.

APPLAUSE

Oh, man. See, but that's...

You must understand the Trump voter.

These are legitimate concerns.

Legitimate concerns!

I think...

We're laughing a lot about this stuff and, thank you,

Trump voters, for letting us have a little bit of laughter over this,

but I actually wrote something today while I was sitting

here at the official hotel of the Murphy Theatre

and the Holiday Inn Express.

LAUGHTER

Can I read this to you?

Do you mind if I...? I just want...

I just wrote this, I just want to read it to you.

APPLAUSE

Because I know a lot of people in Michigan that are planning to vote

for Trump and they don't necessarily like him that much.

And they don't necessarily agree with him.

They're not racist and rednecks and...

They're actually pretty desperate decent people.

So I wanted to, sort of... After talking to a number of them,

I wanted to write this and...

Donald Trump came to the Detroit Economic Club

and stood there in front of the Ford Motor executives and said,

"If you close the factories, as you're planning to do in Detroit,

"and build them in Mexico, I'm gonna put a 35% tariff on

"those cars when you send them back and nobody's gonna buy them."

It was an amazing thing to see.

No politician, Republican or Democrat,

had ever said anything like that to these executives and it was

music to the ears of people in Michigan and Ohio,

in Pennsylvania, in Wisconsin...

..the Brexit states.

You live here in Ohio, you know what I'm talking about.

Whether Trump means it or not, it's kind of irrelevant

because he's saying things to people who are hurting.

And it's why every beaten down, nameless, forgotten working stiff,

who used to be part of what was called the middle-class,

loves Trump.

He is the human Molotov cocktail that they've been waiting for.

The human hand grenade that they can legally throw into the system

that stole their lives from them.

And on November 8th, election day, although they've lost their jobs,

although they've been closed down by the bank,

next came the divorce and now the wife and kids are gone,

the car has been repo'd,

they haven't had a real vacation in years, they're stuck with

the shitty Obamacare Bronze Plan, where you can't even get

a fucking Percocet.

LAUGHTER

They've essentially lost everything they had!

Except one thing.

The one thing that doesn't cost them a cent and is guaranteed to

them by the American Constitution - the right to vote.

They might be penniless, they might be homeless,

they might be fucked over and fucked up,

it doesn't matter

because it's equalised on that day.

A millionaire has the same number of votes as the person without a job.

One.

And there's more of the former middle class than there are

in the millionaire class.

So on November 8th,

the dispossessed will walk into the voting booth,

be handed a ballot, close the curtain and take that lever,

or a felt pen, or touch-screen,

and put a big FUCKING X in the box by the name of the man

who has threatened to upend and overturn the very system

that has ruined their lives.

Donald J Trump.

They see that the elites who ruined their lives hate Trump.

Corporate America hates Trump, Wall Street hates Trump,

the career politicians hate Trump, the media hates Trump...

..after they loved him, and created him,

and now hate him.

Thank you, media.

The enemy of my enemy is who I'm voting for on November 8th.

Yes, on November 8th, you, Joe Blow, Steve Blow, Bob Blow,

Billy Blow, Billy Bob Blow,

all the Blows get to go and blow up the whole goddam system

because it's your right.

Trump's election is going to be the biggest "fuck you"

ever recorded in human history.

And it will feel...

..good...

..for a day.

Maybe a week.

Possibly a month.

And then, like the Brits...

..who wanted to send a message, so they voted to leave Europe,

only to find out that if you vote to leave Europe,

you actually have to leave Europe.

LAUGHTER

And now they regret it!

All the Ohioans, Pennsylvanians, Michiganders and Wisconsinites

of middle England, right,

they all voted to leave and now they regret it and

over four million of them have signed a petition to have a do over.

They want another election.

It ain't gonna happen because you used the ballot

as an anger management tool.

And now you're fucked.

And the rest of Europe, the rest of Europe, they're like,

"Bye, Felicia!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, when the rightfully angry people of Ohio and Michigan

and Pennsylvania and Wisconsin find out after a few months in office

that President Trump wasn't going to do a dam thing for them...

it'll be too late

to do anything about it.

But I get it.

You wanted to send a message.

You had righteous anger and justifiable anger.

Well, message sent.

Goodnight, America.

You've just elected the last president of the United States.

So, here's my question.

What is our problem with Hillary?

What's your problem with Hillary?

You know, I mean, I've got my problems.

I can... I'll tell you what my problem is with her.

She voted for the Iraq war.

Um...she's too cosy with Wall Street.

Those are big ones.

We don't really talk about the issues, do we?

Whenever they talk about Hillary - I mean, anybody talks about Hillary,

it's about how you like her or don't like her,

and the people don't like her and that's on the right and the left,

don't like her. What is this about her being likeable?

You're not going to the voting booth to vote for a friend.

I want her to be my friend. No, I don't want to my friend.

I want them not to like her up on Capitol Hill.

I want the people she's negotiating with not to like her.

You don't want somebody all likeable. "Sure, whatever you say.

"OK, I'll sign here."

What else? What are the other knocks on Hillary?

Not trustworthy. Right? We hear that a lot.

She's not trustworthy. How did she prove her distrustworthiness to you?

Did she promise to water the plants for you while you were gone,

and then didn't? I'm talking about differences.

I mean, "Well, she flip-flops", or whatever.

Well, everybody changes, everybody evolves.

I hope they do, right?

We want our Trump voter friends in here tonight,

we're asking them to maybe change.

If you just stay in cement,

it's like, OK, so she's learned.

She was against...she fought gay marriage and then she was for it.

Well, I'd rather that, than staying against gay marriage.

I don't think that's a bad thing.

She said her Iraq war vote was wrong.

She's never done anything more wrong than that.

OK, it's not exactly, "I'm sorry", but that's pretty...

OK, she's a politician, I accept that. What else?

What are the other knocks on Hillary?

Benghazi. OK, Benghazi, yes.

She got up in the middle of the night

and personally planned with Isis,

which she and Obama created,

according to Trump, they invented Isis,

and they planned this attack to kill our people there

at the consulate in Benghazi.

'Cleared six times!'

Oh, she's been cleared of the charges six times?

That's not enough!

LAUGHTER

You have to be...if you're Hillary Clinton,

you have to be cleared eight times.

'The Clinton Foundation!' Oh, the Clinton Foundation?

Well, thank God there's a Clinton Foundation.

Look at all the good they've done. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know?

I mean...

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

And if what they say is true,

and so they get to have a meeting with Hillary, what's their meeting?

She's still Hillary Clinton.

It's not like they get to go in there and say,

PUTS ON ACCENT: "I need you to bomb...I need you to bomb Yemen."

SOFT LAUGHTER

"OK, how much did you give the Clinton Foundation?"

"I gave the Clinton Foundation $50 million."

"Call in the air strikes."

That's not what's going on.

Generally, what the Obama administration

State Department has done - not everything -

has been good for the world.

The world likes us a little bit better than when

George W Bush was in the White House. Right? So...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But what else? Remember, I'm not a Hillary voter, so what else,

what else? 'She forgot to tell us she was sick.'

Yes, that one.

She wouldn't tell us she had pneumonia,

and I want to say something about that.

I just feel bad that she didn't tell the truth about her pneumonia,

and what I feel bad about is not her being a liar, but that she

has got to a point in her life where she can't even trust us.

If she had just said, "I've got pneumonia

"and I've got to take the weekend off"

what would the response have been?

It would have been, it takes a village, right?

What she taught us.

She can't quite trust that about the United States of America.

That's a sad commentary on us.

That's not really on her.

Can't we start saying something nice about her?

You know, even the Trump people in here, you know,

or conservative people, Bernie people?

Can't you say something nice about Hillary Clinton?

Isn't this the way we were raised?

Didn't your grandmother tell you, like she told me,

"You can say something nice about everybody,

"except Hitler and Matt Lauer."

LAUGHTER

Just to prove it to you, I will start off.

I'll start off by saying something nice,

I'll say three things nice about George W Bush.

Just to prove, just to prove this can be done.

All right? Number one,

I think he did a good job raising those two daughters.

They seem like very fine women.

They seem to love their dad.

Number two,

Bono credits Bush

with breaking the logjam in getting funds for AIDS

relief in Africa.

Bush put a whole bunch of money into Africa for AIDS relief.

And number three...

Um... 'He loves dogs!' He loves his dogs!

Yes, that's number three!

He loved Barney!

Barney loved him! He was so good with those dogs!

OK, there's three nice things about Bush, I've said them.

So, to say something nice about Hillary,

we're going to start with a man.

I filmed this 17 years ago.

I had a show called The Awful Truth on the Bravo network. APPLAUSE

Thank you. It was during the Lewinsky scandal,

and Clinton was being impeached.

There was a lot of speculation that she might leave him, and we

had this idea on the show, let's go out and try and find her a date.

She deserves a date. With a nice guy.

If we have that ready in the booth, can we show them?

This is 1998.

'We're doing an interview about Hillary Clinton being single.

Oh, really? OK. Yeah, what do you think?

Well, I think that Hillary Clinton is a hell of a good woman, and I hope

she's not single in a year and a half.

I hope they stay together, and I think they will.

I think she's very committed and I think he's very committed.

Do you think she's...that she's not going to be out having...

You don't want to date her once she's single? No, I think that she's

very happy and I hope she's very happy with her husband,

and I think she understands her husband better than anybody.

And I think she'll be just fine.

Wow, OK.

OK? So, no dating advice?

I don't want to give her any dating advice.

She's going to be married to our current president

for a long time. All right, Donald, thanks a lot.

I'll tell her you're not interested. Tell her that.

Have a good time. Bye!

Well, I just left Michael and he's a good man. Yeah.

He's a good man. He's done a good job. OK, thanks.

Have a good time. Bye.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

See?

See? He said something nice about Hillary and me.

Right, so, if he can do it, you can do it.

Anybody, just raise your hand.

Yes? Go ahead.

WOMAN SPEAKS SOFTLY

She's overqualified?

Is that a nice thing?

Usually...I used to be told that when I didn't get the job.

Right down here in the centre. Yes, sir?

She's super smart. She's super smart!

Over here.

Hillary actually knows where Aleppo is!

Hillary knows where Aleppo is!

There you go!

Do we have anybody from the 'I don't Like Hillary' camp

that can say something nice about her? Yes, sir, in the red?

She's what?

She's stood by her man?

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

Anybody else? Come on! Right down here in the front row.

Yes? I think she's every single thing we say we want our daughters

to be. She's smart, she works hard,

she's independent and she doesn't take any shit from anybody.

Well, that was beautifully put.

All right, right behind. Yes, sir, right back there?

I like her ad. She really has fought...

You like her ass?

Ad! Commercials!

Her ads? Oh, her ads!

She really has fought for opportunity

for kids for her entire life.

Yes. That's very nice.

All right, let me say something nice about Hillary.

I'm glad she killed Vince Foster.

LAUGHTER

That's another knock on her.

She killed Vince Foster, White House Deputy Counsel.

The Clintons have been in there for six months, all of a sudden,

a Sunday morning, he's found dead in his car in a park on

the Potomac River,

bullet hole in the head and a suicide note in his hand.

And, ever since that, how long...those of us who

are a little older, how long have we had to listen to this? Since 1993,

that Hillary killed Vince Foster. I hope she did.

Because that's bad ass, man!

How'd she do that?!

She must have jacked his car at like eight in the morning on a Sunday,

before going to church.

Shot him, written that suicide note,

like a JonBenet type note,

put that in his hand, went back to the White House for breakfast.

Bill had no idea.

Go on the internet tonight and type in "Hillary" and "murderer" into

Google and see what comes up.

Seriously, she has killed 46 people.

46 people!

With her own bare hands!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is who I want for Commander in Chief!

Somebody who's not afraid to kill somebody!

We haven't had somebody in the Oval Office who has killed somebody

since Ulysses S Grant!

Isis is going to shit...

..if she's president! LAUGHTER

it was called Downsize This,

and there was a chapter in there called

My Forbidden Love For Hillary.

So you've probably seen these different photographs behind me

on the stage here tonight.

I was just really upset with the way she was being treated

when she was First Lady.

She was being knocked and criticised all the time.

She was, you know, being made fun of.

How she looked, how she dressed,

and also for being the co-president.

Right? Because remember when she said...

She was being criticised during the campaign when Bill first ran,

and she said, look, I'm not some little lady going to be in the kitchen

baking cookies and hosting teas.

Attacks on her started then,

and she was the butt of jokes from late-night comedians.

I remember there was one joke, was,

"Hey, have you heard about the new Hillary combo at KFC?"

"It's got two large thighs, two small breasts,

"and two left wings."

I thought about it for a minute and thought,

"Well, that sounds pretty good to me!"

LAUGHTER

No, but I just... I thought she was beautiful.

I thought she was smart, I thought she was a nice person, you know?

I didn't understand what this was,

and so I wrote this chapter called My Forbidden Love For Hillary.

And I got invited to a White House dinner,

and to give you some context for this,

the dinner took place the night before Clinton's impeachment,

OK?

So, what a night to be there, right?

He didn't look good.

And you're told you get five seconds and you've got to keep moving.

Shake their hands, say something nice, move on.

The Marine goes, "Mr President and Madam First Lady..."

"..er, Michael Moore?"

LAUGHTER

So, I walked in there, and Bill grabs my hand and he goes,

AS BILL CLINTON: "Michael Moore, I just love you!

"I'm your number one fan. I love your show, TV Nation.

"I remember that one episode you did when you went Idaho

"and you went to that Klan rally, that was just..."

And I'm thinking, what?

These Clintons are good, man.

There's 100 people here and he's got a story for every one of them.

He's referencing an obscure episode

on a Friday night show on NBC of mine,

and he's, like, he's accurately describing the episode!

I'm thinking...

"And I love Roger And Me, I'm your number one fan."

At that moment, Hillary grabs my hand,

takes it out of his hand and says to him,

"No, you're not, I'm his number one fan."

And she goes...

And she goes,

"I just want to say what you wrote about me in your book,

"it was so wonderful and that first line in the book..."

My face is turning red, right?

The first line in the chapter of My Forbidden Love For Hillary,

where I have all these photos of her,

the first line was,

"Hillary Clinton,

"she's one hot shit-kicking feminist babe."

"I love everything...

"And when you talked about me on The Today Show..."

Now at this point, I've been there for too long.

Her aide is stepping in because she thinks I'm holding the line up,

but it's Hillary that won't let me go.

Hillary sees the aide coming and she goes like this,

"Shoo, shoo!"

And I said,

"I'm so sorry you're going through all this

"but you're a good person, and you seem like a good mom

"and you should run for Senate."

It is true! My idea!

I went through all the files trying to find this picture of her holding my hand

but there is a picture that was snapped just as I walked away.

OK, check this.

Look at this!

Look at this, I swear, it's the truth. It's all true.

Look at that. One of them's really happy and one of them's not.

And that's when she took me up to the Lincoln Bedroom!

No, no, no - nothing happened. Nothing happened.

I'm just saying though,

it was a very special moment for me because I just felt she had been...

It was...

Her treatment was just awful.

If you're young, you don't know this.

If you weren't alive then, you don't know it,

but the people who were alive then, you know what I'm saying, right?

I'm not making this up, I'm not exaggerating it, am I?

The knock on her was just... It was just awful.

Last year I was shooting a movie, Where Do We Invade Next?

And we went to this country, Estonia.

I wanted to go there because I was trying to show

in different countries what they do better than us

and what can we learn from them.

So I went to Estonia because the World Health Organisation says

that you have the least chance, as a woman, dying in childbirth

in Estonia than any other country on the planet.

If you live in Cleveland,

you have a three times greater chance of dying in childbirth

than you do in Estonia.

And so they took me to the maternity ward and they had the head doctor

in the maternity ward.

He's showing me around and he's telling me why

they're so good at this.

But walking down this hallway and there's a picture on the wall

and I stopped and I said, "Wait a minute, I know the person in that photo."

That's me and the doctor there in the hallway.

Can we just punch in a little bit here on this?

It's Hillary Clinton shaking this guy's hand.

I said, "Where did this happen?"

He said, "It happened right where you are standing."

I said, "Oh, my God, who's the guy?"

"That is me.

"20 years ago."

I said, "Oh, my God!

"OK, so what was she doing in Estonia?"

"Well, don't you remember?

"She wanted you to have universal health care, so she was studying.

"She went around the world to study it, and she came to little Estonia

"for the same reason you're here tonight -

"to find out why so many more women survive childbirth here than in the United States."

I said, "Oh, my God, wow, she came here?"

"Yes. And then she went back,

"and you didn't listen to her.

"Instead, you humiliated her

"and attacked her.

"And you've gone 20 years now without universal health care

"and we've had it."

I said, I made this movie, Sicko, and while making the movie,

I learned that, according to the Congressional Budget Office,

nearly 50,000 Americans die each year for one simple reason,

they don't have health insurance, or they don't have adequate health insurance.

And yet Hillary was attacked.

She was humiliated.

You remember this when this happened?

People in Congress were like,

"Get rid of her, she's not the president, nobody elected you!"

And it went down to defeat.

It never got brought up again, did it?

Until Obama started bringing it up.

It never got brought up again.

And they forced her to change into someone else.

She was told to shut up

and she started baking the cookies and hosting the teas.

I don't know.

Something's wrong here.

In a way, we have a chance to redeem ourselves, don't we, for this?

It's possible, I don't know.

What if all this time, right, this has been part of her long game?

Like, she's had this ambition since she was a teenager.

When she was in college, she gave the graduation speech.

If you read her speech, it reads like Bernie wrote it.

This is actually her voice at the age of 22,

giving her graduation speech.

Listen to this.

'The struggle for an integrated life existing in an atmosphere of communal trust

'and respect is one with desperately important political and social consequences.

'And the word consequences of course catapults us into the future.'

'One of the most tragic things that happened yesterday, a beautiful day,

'was that I was talking to a woman who said she wouldn't

'want to be me for anything in the world.

'She wouldn't want to live today and look ahead to what it is she sees,

'because she's afraid.

'Fear is always with us but we just don't have time for it, not now.'

Fear.

It's like...

The women of Hillary's generation...

..were the first feminists of the modern era.

They were raised by women.

Their mothers and grandmothers had to go to work in World War II, cos the men were gone.

It was the first time women were able to leave the

house and have a job.

And they worked in factories, they worked the offices, they ran the country.

They did all the work.

And then after the war,

the men came home and they told the women to go back to the kitchen.

And they did. Most of them.

But they didn't...

They didn't leave or forget what it was like to have that freedom to

earn their own money.

The women of that World War II generation raised that next generation.

That's Hillary's generation.

There's women in here tonight of that generation.

Of my generation even. You know what it was like back then.

Younger people in here, I've got to tell you something.

It was not pleasant...

..to stand up for what you believed in.

It was not easy..

..to say, "I want it to be this way."

The harassment that they suffered, the abuse that they took at work,

at school.

If they decided to stand up, they were sure to be alone,

other than a few other women, young girls that were with them.

Hillary went through this whole thing.

She went through the same thing.

I'm seeing some women nod their heads.

You know what I'm talking about.

You know, getting pinched on the ass every day was a common occurrence.

You could say all kinds of shit to women.

You could threaten them.

There was no such thing as battered spousal abuse, whatever. There was not a word for it.

And the shit that Hillary took as a young woman.

Marrying Bill Clinton, going to Arkansas.

She decided that she was going to have her own job,

She was going to work for the Legal Aid Society,

helping poor people with free legal help.

And people in Arkansas are like, "What's this?"

He lost his election, according to the pundits in Arkansas,

because she refused to change her last name to his.

She was known as Hillary Rodham.

And all the papers, everybody said, "Well, you know...

"This is Arkansas."

And so, to help him out in the next election, she changed her name...

..to Hillary Rodham Clinton.

And to help him out further on, she dropped the Rodham.

She was willing to subjugate and submerge herself

to help him do this,

and to take the shit for it.

I have a theory about this.

I don't think she has forgotten one bit of this.

I don't think she's forgotten one single inch of this abuse from the time

she was in high school, all the way up until ten o'clock this morning.

I think it's all there and I think that she has been biding her time.

My hope...

My optimism for this...

Hillary, if you're watching this right now, I...

I have a feeling somebody's going to slip you a tape of this.

I just want to tell you something.

I know you've been waiting and waiting...

..and waiting and waiting, but you're not alone.

A whole bunch of the rest of us have been waiting for that glorious moment

when the other gender, the majority gender,

has a chance to run this world,

to have real power and kick some righteous ass!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we are counting on you to do this.

Right?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I want to see what that world looks like, don't you?

CHEERING

Where she's just going to go in there and say, "Enough of the bullshit!"

Inauguration Day, after all the inaugural balls,

you pull up to the White House, her and Bill, they go in and she says,

"No, Bill. No, no, no, no.

"You're staying at Blair House.

"I'm going to go in here and run the country the way it should have been run."

Then she goes in there and she just starts signing one executive order

after another.

Her first 100 days, right, like FDR.

Doesn't need Congress. Just starts signing executive orders.

Immigrants? You stay.

Signed. Flint, Michigan?

New water pipes for you.

Signed. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Food and Drug Administration.

High fructose corn syrup? Banned.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Prisons. Release all non-violent drug offenders now.

Signed. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Justice Department -

prosecute all police who kill unarmed black man now.

Signed.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's my hope.

And after that, after she signs these executive orders,

then she puts on those shit-kicking boots that Beyonce wore on the

football field

and she goes up to Capitol Hill and she says,

"OK, I'm here to end the gridlock.

"No Kum Ba Yah.

"Who's up for it?"

Because the average American believes in fairness.

They believe women should be paid the same as men,

they want to drink clean water, they want to breathe clean air.

The majority of Americans do believe in climate change.

And if these guys aren't going to do their job,

she'll make them do the job.

But here's what I...

This is just... I just want to say this to close out, because...

I think that...

this isn't going to happen if we leave her on her own again,

the way we abandoned her back during the health care days.

She's going to need a revolution behind her.

The Bernie revolution.

That's what Bernie says. November 9th, the day after the election, right?

It's our responsibility to hold her to her word, but also,

when she does follow through,

to be there to support her and get behind her.

And let me say this.

If, for some reason,

she goes back on her word, she doesn't do these things,

and after two years of this,

she hasn't done what she said she's going to do,

I am here tonight in Wilmington, Ohio,

to announce to you my candidacy for President of the United States

in 2020!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I will run! I will run!

I know Kanye has already said he's going to run.

I'll run with Kanye.

Kanye can run with me.

I will run for President of the United States.

And ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen...

Let me tell you what I am going to do if you elect me president in 2020.

Number one - there will be one charge cord for all devices.

CHEERING

Your phone, your tablet, your computer.

One charge cord.

If you elect me president, free HBO for all Americans.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

I will save the US Postal Service by having every mailman and

mailwoman on Friday deliver one gram of weed to your mailbox.

Everybody, everybody!

For the weekend, two joints!

Two joints for all Americans every weekend!

It'll be a better weekend.

When I am president, only woman will be able to buy and own guns.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I will bring down the murder rate significantly with this plan.

In case we need to go to war,

the first people on the ship over to the war will be the offspring of the

CEOs and the members of Congress.

They will go first. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

When I am president, corporations will not be people.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're going to have a new national anthem,

one we can sing and one that doesn't have a racist third verse.

Our new national anthem will be - We are the Champions of the World.

We're going to have new enemies.

No more of this North Korea and Iran shit.

Our new enemies will be Monsanto and Wells Fargo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And finally...

During my four years in the White House,

there will be free banana splits for every American on the fourth of July,

sent to you from Wilmington, Ohio.

Everybody's going to work. Everybody's going to work here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And let me tell you...

As we close, I just want to say a word again about Hillary

and you still don't like her.

You still hate her.

You don't want to vote for her.

Let me just say this to you very sincerely.

I'm going to ask you to make a sacrifice for your country and I'm

not going to ask you to stop hating her.

If you want to hate her, just keep hating her, all right?

I don't want to try and convince you any more of this.

If you hate her, hate her.

I want you to get up on election day on November 8th and I want you to

wake up out of your Hillary nightmare dream.

I want you to get in the shower and have a real hate Hillary shower,

sud yourself up, rinse and repeat.

Then get in the car and drive with all the road rage you can.

"I hate Hillary!

"I hate her so much!"

And I want you to drive to the polls.

I want you to drive to the polls, get out of the car, walk in there,

go in the voting booth and you're going to see her name on the ballot and

you're going to go, "motherfucking Hillary?

"No way!"

But, yes way.

Way, because America needs you.

You're going to do this for your country, all right?

Keep hating her though.

Keep hating her all you want, but just pick up that pen.

Pick up that pen. You might need the other hand.

Hold it down. Hold your arm.

"No, I can't, I hate her!"

Yes, I know. HE YELLS

"No, don't make me, Mike, no!

"Yes. Do it."

"Boom!"

"Oh, I feel so awful.

"I voted for Hillary Clinton."

That's OK. Feel awful, you should.

Go home, keep hating all you want, but you've done something good for this

country, and on that night at 11pm when the poll results come in,

and we find out that we've elected the first woman president of the United States,

we are all going to rejoice, aren't we, folks?

We are all...

We are all going to have a big party. APPLAUSE

A big party. And we're going to celebrate.

We're going to go and dig up Vince Foster and kill him again.

Thank you, everybody. Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Go, vote!

Ohio, Trumpland!

Thank you, everyone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mexicans, up there, don't forget to pay...

When you leave the wall, we have to pay for that wall.

Subtitles by Ericsson