All language subtitles for Meet.My.Valentine.2015.WEB-DL.x264-ION10

Woman: Mr. Bishop?

Mr. Bishop, we really
need you to stay still.

Okay.

Okay.

Girl: This is gonna be good.

Phoebe, Daddy’s trying to rest.

That’s it. I’ve had
all I can stands,

and I can’t stands no more!

Daddy, put me down!

You want to wrassle with "King
Crazy Hair," this is what you get!

Hah!

What’s "wrassling"?

What’s wrassling?

This is wrassling!

Daddy! I’m dizzy!

Me, too.

Hey, I have a speech tonight.

You want to come
pick out my tie?

Yeah.

Probably a good idea to wait for
the room to stop spinning, right?

Uh-huh.

Phoebe picked this out for me,

and I managed to tie it myself.

Trash is full.

What?

Can you take out the trash?

But I just finished getting...

Dressed, and you
look great as usual,

and I am late.

As usual.

Yeah. Great. We’re
on the same page.

Uh, only 10 more years till
Phoebe goes to college.

We can do this, right? Bye.

Bishop: It’s not
the artist’s job

to reflect nature.

The camera on my
iPhone can do that.

The artist’s job
is to take nature

and wrap it in a
beautiful little bow

and present it in a way

that even my agent
can understand.

That might have
hurt his feelings

if he were listening to
anything I’m saying right now.

You are all blank canvases

sitting in front
of blank canvases,

and what could be more
exciting than that?

Creation itself
is in your hands.

Every stroke counts.

Thank you all very much,

and keep painting.

Coming through.

Ah, fiddlesticks.

- What is it?
- Can you get the...?

Man: Oh, jeez.

Hello?

Gracie!

Uh, uh-huh...?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I’m sorry.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I’ve got
Michael manning your pot.

- Ow. Ooh.
- Here.

But listen. Hey, do
you think you could

find it in your
heart to come in?

Dinner was supposed to be 13...

Okay, now 14 minutes ago,

and we are still
on hors d’oeuvres.

You are ruining my
son’s graduation.

You’re ruining it!

Gotta go.

Well, at least the client’s happy.
That’s what’s important.

Listen, are you gonna be
okay here for a second?

I’m gonna go talk to her.

- I’m good.
- Okay.

Oh.

You know, she was
at the lecture.

Was she?

Are you all right, Tom?

I’m fine.

Because as much as I
appreciate these checks

from the college gigs,
I’m still waiting for...

You’ll get it when it’s finished

and not a second sooner.

Could you give me a hint?
Is it 80% there?

Well, you’re getting warm.

Uh...

are you gonna stay for dessert?

I’m a happily married man.

Heh.

There’s no such thing as
a happily married man.

Phoebe: Uncle Mac, you’re here!

He’s always here.

Go have a seat, ’cause I’m
about to rock your world.

How’d he convince you to
let him touch the stove?

He wanted to pull his weight.

Maybe he can keep pulling it

all the way to a new apartment.

Val, you know I would
move out if I could,

but there’s nothing.

There’s literally nothing
that’s available.

Oh... ah.

There’s a lot of lies
on the Internet, Val.

- I’m gonna get her juice.
- Val: Mm-hmm.

Need you to show me how to do
that map thing on my phone.

Why?

I’m going to Century City

to look at that restaurant...?

The one that Michael
wanted me to see.

Thought we talked
about this already.

I’m just gonna look.

She hardly sees you as it is.

Fine. You have the GPS
thingy in your car?

No, ’cause I have my phone.

The last time you used the map
on your phone, you got a call,

and you ended up in Temecula.

That’s good. I’m taking
that for my act.

Okay. Put the GPS in my car.

Do you know how to use it?

I will figure it out.

I will program it for you.
As a matter of fact,

I will draw you a map
just as a backup.

Mwah!

It’s called "helping,"
Val, not "controlling."

- Mm-hmm.
- What happened to your hand?

Nothing. It’s fine, Tom.

- Bye, Mommy!
- Bye, baby!

It is the perfect spot, Val.

The kitchen hardly
needs any work.

I mean, it is...
It is ready to go.

Just a leak.

Easy fix. Duct tape.

Oh, Michael...

Okay, uh, and yesterday.

Remember yesterday when we were walking
through the seventh level of hell?

You remember that?

We’re better than that.

You’re better than
just being a caterer.

Every great chef, right,
needs her own restaurant.

Look! A chandelier!

Tom and I had an agreement.

It was my decision, too.

I know how much being
a mom means to you,

but I also see your eyes
when you’re working.

You love it.

You do.

Val, look, I believe in you.

I want to be your partner.

Let’s show the world.

Let’s... let’s show your
daughter what we can do!

Yeah?

All right!

Here it comes.

To the queen of the kitchen.

Thank you. Cheers.

Cheers, my friend.

So how’s Tom feeling
about all this?

I haven’t told him yet.

Because he wouldn’t understand.

All right. Well, you
know, that sounds...

really bad. This really sucks.

Val.

When did you know things were
starting to be a little bit...

between you and Jake?

Oh.

Well, when his first mistress

got into a fight with
his second mistress

at my daughter’s christening.

Oh, yeah, good times. Mm.

Hm.

What is going on with you?

- Nothing, nothing.
- What?

No, it’s just, um,

things have been a little
bit cold lately, and...

Do you think it’s
possible to still

be in love with
someone, but fall...

Fall out of like?

Yes. It’s like, do
I love my husband?

He’s my husband,

but sometimes he’s...

Oh, yeah. I know. But men suck.

- Hi, girls!
- Hey.

- Hi!
- Hey, munchkin.

Hanson Carter’s new music video
comes on in five minutes.

- Yeah.
- Hanson Carter!

It’s gonna be totally awesome.

You want to go
upstairs and watch it?

- Yes.
- Yes!

Okay. Okay.

The babysitter’s
gonna be here soon.

Wow. Just wow.

That was... I’ve been watching
you for 15 minutes, Tom.

You should sell tickets.
This is...

It’s like watching someone
tend a Buddhist garden.

You are a genius.

Is it 5:00 already?

People say I don’t
do anything all day.

- Ladies?
- Brynn: Oh, my stars!

Is that the Tom Bishop?

I thought you did paid
appearances now, big shot.

Yeah, yeah.

Hi, Brynn. I got these for you.

Which is a joke I thought
would be funnier.

Tom: You guys ready to go?

He’s way funnier onstage.

Well, that remains to be seen.

I mean, I have 40 laughs.
Brynn, 40...

I’m managing expectations.

Very smooth.

-40 laughs.
- Brynn: Please tell me

they serve alcohol
at this place.

Val: Well, they better.

Ooh.

You’re going in on the
restaurant, aren’t you?

I wanted to talk
to you about that.

I think it would be
a great opportunity

for us... for all of us.

Well, I couldn’t have talked
you out of it anyway.

But in this case,

I think you’re out
of your league.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is why you never
date a pediatrician.

My time is up. Thanks, everyone.

Everybody give it up
for Chet Chaney, man.

Come on, one more round of
applause for Chet Chaney.

I hate this guy. Hate him.

Is this the guy that Tammy...

I thought you were over her.

Oh, I don’t care about Tammy.
It’s Dale.

He was my little guy,

and we were gonna
raise him together,

and now because she
doesn’t want me anymore,

I gotta deal with the
fact that this guy

is gonna be the one
tucking him in at night,

that he’s gonna be the one
that looks at him as a father?

It’s too much, man.
It’s too much.

Come on. So you ready
for this next comic?

Dale was your dog, right?

Labradoodle.

I think I just got the light.
I’m, uh...

- Let’s go do this.
- Okay.

- Break a leg.
- Brynn: How is Mac funny?

I mean, I’ve not seen
him funny one time.

- I don’t get it.
- Hmm.

Uh-oh.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Do you think I’m
out of my league?

With the restaurant, I mean?

Oh, honey. You’re in the majors,

and the rest of us are just
playing intramural field hockey.

When you say things like
that, I could just kiss you.

Oh, well, at least wait
till I get to the bar

so I can get some free
drinks out of it.

Oh.

Emcee: But, um, this guy

is nowhere near as funny
as the last dude,

but, hey, he’s here,
so everybody give a...

A small clap for... Mac Brown.

Uh, it’s a pleasure to be here.

You almost missed Mac.

The first thing I noticed as I look
around the room is we have ladies here.

I just like to take a moment up
front and apologize to the ladies.

Ladies, I’m sorry I’m
not better-looking.

I wish I was a really good-looking guy.
I would take my shirt off,

- dance around.
- You’d all be very excited.

I had a conversation
with this girl once.

’Cause I found out when
she was in college,

she spent a semester in Ireland.

I said to this girl, "When
you were in Ireland,

were you with a lot of guys?"

And her answer was,
"Don’t worry about it."

And that is not a
very good answer.

That is not what
you want to hear.

Because women have a
particular kind of math

when it comes to
hooking up, right?

If she says "two," it
probably means five.

If she says "five,"
it probably means 10.

And if she says "Don’t
worry about it,"

it means they’re singing
folk songs about her.

In Ireland, as we speak...

There is a statue
of her in Dublin

the boys touch for good
luck when they turn 13.

Anyway...

I try to date, you know.
I date a lot.

Okay, not a lot, but I try to...

Doctor: Four to six months,

you can expect the
first signs to show,

usually, uh, tremors
in the hands and feet,

then a relatively quick
decline in motor skills,

followed by agnosia,
or the loss of ability

to recognize people,
places, words, et cetera.

Now, the usual course of
action would be to operate,

but, um...

the particular placement
being what it is,

I’m afraid surgery is not
an option, Mr. Bishop.

How much time?

It’s hard to predict
with tumors.

How much time?

Nine months, a year at most.

Ahem.

Well, then I’ll have
my nurse schedule

your first round of
chemotherapy for tomorrow.

Tomorrow... tomorrow?

We need to begin as
soon as possible.

In the meantime, I’d like
to talk about your diet.

Uh, not insofar as how it’ll
affect your prognosis,

but rather how it’ll help you
tolerate the chemotherapy.

Since when do you knock?

Tom...

What are you doing, Mac?

All right, I knew
this wasn’t for me.

"Passages of the Heart."

Guy at the bookstore
said it is the best

"your-friend-is-dying"
book for under $10.

I-I’m sorry. I was... I
was just trying to help.

I know.

Seriously, though, how are you?

I’m fine.

How’s Val?

She doesn’t know, not yet.

Okay, not yet,

as in you’re waiting to
see if there’s a cure?

There’s no cure.

All right, listen,
Tom, I am the last guy

who should be giving out advice.

I mean, I spend $200 a
month on comic books.

But you gotta tell her.

No, not yet.

The second Val finds
out about this,

this whole thing
becomes emotional,

and I don’t have time for emotion.
Not now.

I have a plan.

And I need to stay focused
on that right now.

So I was thinking about
our conversation

the other night... about Dale.

- My dog?
- Someday soon, I will be...

- Tom...
- gone.

- Tom...
- And when I am,

Valentine is gonna
look for someone new.

And that person is
going to become...

Phoebe’s dad.

He’s going to have breakfast
at my kitchen table,

and sleep in my bed,

and watch my little
girl grow up.

He’s going to teach her
how to drive a car.

She doesn’t even know
how to ride a bike yet.

I’m not gonna be here for that.

There are a thousand
of those things

that I am not gonna
get a chance to see.

I don’t know how to face this,

knowing that the person
who might become her dad

isn’t good enough.

I need to have a say in
who raises my daughter.

Tom, I’m... I’m honored.

I mean, listen, I always
thought Val was hot,

so that’s not gonna
be a problem,

but for you to think I’d be
a good father for Phoebe,

- I mean, I just...
- Not you.

Fair enough.

I’m going to find
my own replacement.

Is this what your meeting
was about today?

- Because if so...
- No, no.

This is just something
Mac came up with.

Yeah, right, it was my idea.

You know, it’s, uh, funny.

It’s for my YouTube channel.

So, okay, let me
get this straight.

You want to put pictures of me

- on Singles.net?
- Mm-hmm.

And then when guys come...

- Then Mac jumps out and...
- Filming. I film.

Yeah, the whole
thing’s being filmed,

- like "Candid Camera" or one of those...
- Yeah, hilar...

- It’ll be hilarious.
- It’s supposed to be funny.

We haven’t figured out all...
the ending of it...

There’s things, but
I’ll be funny.

Okay...

you’re not gonna use any
of the vacation photos?

What? No.

No.

Okay. Well, then... pftt...

cool. I mean, do what you want.

I mean, nobody watches that
stupid channel anyway.

- No offense.
- None taken.

Ahem.

You know, this whole
thing isn’t like you...

like, at all.

Sometimes people change.

Mm-hmm. Not usually.

Mac: All right. Singles.net.

Gonna need name. Valen...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.
What, are you nuts?

Don’t use her real name.

All right, fine.

An alias, give me an alias.

Um...

I like Nina,

Nina Blair.

Nina. Okay. It’s
a sexy spy name.

That works. Nina Blair.

Okay, pic. Need a picture.

Okay, here.

Another one...

- Uh...
- Okay, look.

Here, this one. Right there.

Not a chance. No.

Look how much skin
she’s showing.

Too much skin? Tom, I’ve seen

Amish women in less than that.

They’re gonna want to see
what she looks like, okay?

They’re dudes.

- Fine, fine. Use that one.
- Okay. All right.

Oh, and one more thing
before I forget...

This is a stupid idea!

Now, interests.

That’s just something
stupid Lexi left.

Oh, yeah? Did Lexi do this, too?

That’s what I thought.

Ready to go pick out breakfast?

Yeah.

- Tom: Well?
- Phoebe: Not yet.

That one...

looks like pancakes.

Really?

I see oatmeal.

Nope. It’s pancakes

with chocolate chips.

Those are huge chocolate chips.

It’s not science, Daddy.

- It’s cooking.
- I know.

Mommy doesn’t measure.

She doesn’t give you
chocolate chips

while she’s doing it either.

Sugar is her secret ingredient.

Oh, yeah? You talk to Mom a lot.

Does she ever tell you about
things that she likes?

Like, I don’t know...

Books or TV... outside stuff?

Are you making a "hot list"?

What is that?

It’s from the magazine.

A hot list is a list of things
that someone thinks is hot.

It’s really cool.
Hanson Carter thinks

Xbox, snowboarding,
and Iron Man are hot.

Yeah, okay.

So if I was making a
"hot list" for Mom,

what do you think
might be on it?

I don’t know. Ask Mom. Duh.

Esteban, you know I don’t like

the word no for an answer!

Well, then let me say it
again in Spanish. No!

Ha, that’s clever. Um,
what if I told you

that we had Val Bishop on board?

I’d ask if you got her drunk.

I am totally sober, Esteban.

Esteban, come on, please!

Just take one chance
in your life.

My wife’s gonna kill me.

Um, Esteban, I think you
made a very wise decision,

and Val and I will
not let you down,

and we are super excited,

and we’ll send you
paperwork tomorrow,

and I’m gonna get
off the phone now

before you change your mind.
Bye. Thank you.

What?!

I’m sweating.

- You’re sweating?
- Yes.

You’re sweating because
you’re nervous,

and now we have good news.
And this is great news,

because between you and
me and Esteban, right,

we’re gonna have the best
menu, the best restaurant.

This is gonna be
frickin’ amazing.

Now we just have to
think of a name.

I thought we decided on, uh...
"Michael’s."

Oh, right, right. You
were also flying

when you were having
that dream, right?

Fair enough. Fair enough.
Do we have an opening date?

March.

- March?
- Opening month.

We’re gonna miss
Valentine’s Day.

Michael, it’s better,
because, God, remember

when we used to work at Maury’s?

Oh, yeah, Maury. He would say
that "V-Day was like D-Day..."

"Only vurse!"

- That’s right.
- Yeah.

So, you know, it’s too crazy.

Plus, you know, as Tom says,

Valentine’s Day is just
a "made-up holiday

so lesser artists can
sell greeting cards."

What a romantic.

I truly believe that this place
is gonna be so much better,

and I also think that I’m the
luckiest guy in the world

to have you as a partner
to do this with.

You. Oh, I...

- I feel the same way.
- Good.

Um, I gotta go.

Ooh.

All right.

- Bye.
- Bye.

When I said we needed chairs
for the restaurant...

- Spring-loaded.
- Yes, it is. Okay.

Let’s, uh, go back
to the warehouse,

and we will start all over.
Cool?

You got it, man.

Hey, Tom.

- Hey, it’s Michael, right?
- That’s right,

and you got it on the
first try this time.

She’s in the back. Follow me.

Sí, pero...

uh, ¿tienes...
gluten-free flour?

-Veinticinco pounds.
- Val, someone’s here to see you.

I don’t... I’m all
out of my Spanish.

I don’t know if I’m getting a
discount or buying his boat.

Yeah, it’s... it’s Tom.

Sí, but...

necesito veinte cajas de tomates

y diez cajas de lechuga...

- See you, Tom.
- Hey, you, too.

Pero organic, por favor.

Uh, cebollas también.

Okay?

Gracias.

Okay. Gracias. Bye.

- Hey!
- Hey.

What are you doing here?

I just realized today
that I haven’t

visited you at work in a while.

Ever.

Right.

So I figured I’d stop
by and say hello.

Is everything okay?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

I thought maybe we could go

grab a cup of coffee.

Talk.

Coffee?

Yeah.

So...

how is work coming?

You made any progress
on the painting?

I haven’t really thought
about it all that much.

- Hmm.
- What about you?

How’s... how’s the
restaurant coming?

It’s good.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Um, okay.

How is it good?

It’s... fine.

I mean, I like it... I like it.

I don’t...

I’m trying to...
catch up with you,

and I don’t... apparently,
I don’t know how to do it.

Okay. Well, um...

what would you like
to talk about?

Oh, fiddlesticks.

No idea.

Just leave it.

So how’s that fake dating
project with Mac going?

Um...

it’s progressing slowly.
It’s Mac.

- Mm-hmm.
- So...

still working on it.

Sounds painful.

It has its moments.

Hmm.

"Fiddlesticks"?

Val: It...

- You said that.
- Yeah.

- Fiddlesticks?
- Yeah.

TV host: So was it crazy...

Man on TV: Things, you know, don’t
change in that department, uh...

Your wife is...

Your wife’s gonna be
listening to this.

-My wife appreciates the fact...
- 104?

104 winks in an hour.

Come on. Let’s make our picks.

Tom, I... I can’t...
I’m working.

What? This is how
comedians work.

Think I want to eat
pizza and watch TV?

TV host: Yeah, any stalkers?
Anybody...

All right, fine. I
needed a break anyway.

- Ahem.
- Let’s go.

Sorry.

Oh, you’re lucky you had a
clip-on at our wedding.

Yeah.

And you’re lucky
that Phoebe and Lexi

gave me a 10-minute
sleepover mommy break.

Ooh...

You really going
through with this?

It seems like a fun idea.

See, that’s what I mean.

That is not the Tom I know.

You never dress up for me,

and Mac asks you to,

and suddenly you’re Dapper Dan.

Something up?

What do you mean?

I don’t know.

I’m not sure what’s
really going on,

but, um...

sometimes when people
drift apart, uh...

sometimes when
people drift apart,

the distance isn’t as big
as you imagine it to be.

Did we drift apart?

Little bit.

But I like this.

I like that you’re interested
in me all of a sudden.

I like that we went
to coffee, but I...

I like that you like it.

Why do I get the feeling like
you’re hiding something?

Something really bad.

Val...

This one’s new.

- Hmm?
- This.

Uh, no.

Phoebe gave it to me
last Mother’s Day.

It’s a paintbrush.

"So you’ll always
have Daddy around."

Tom.

Hmm?

Everything’s under
control, Val, like always.

I have to go.

- Oh, hey, here he is.
- All right.

What are you doing? You’re
actually gonna film this?

Go get him, tiger.
Make this happen.

- Man: Hey.
- Hey

Can I get a bourbon neat?

Just well is fine.

Thank you.

Excuse me. I’m saving
that for somebody.

I know.

Nina, right?

You’re Dan, and...

you’re here to meet Nina.

And this is what I get
for trying new things...

- Lunatics.
- No, no, no, no.

Listen, I’m Nina.

Just back away.

Whoa. Obviously, I’m not Nina.

I mean, Nina isn’t even Nina.
Nina is Valentine.

- Get out of my way.
- Hang on, please, please.

Listen. I’m not some
freaky, weird guy here.

- Just hear me out, okay, Dan?
- Mm-hmm.

- My name is Tom.
- Mm-hmm.

Valentine is my wife,

and I think you might
be perfect for her.

Okay.

Believe it or not,
this is the best date

I’ve ever been on
from Singles.net.

Stop that.

And cut.

Want to see the...
Want to see the punch?

- I don’t want to see the punch.
- Slow motion.

You deserved it.

Mac: Chemo? Really?

Why did you think doing this
by yourself was a good idea?

All right? Do you know
how dumb you have to be

for me to be the
responsible one, Tom?

Monumentally dumb!

That’s how dumb you have to be.

Val should be there
with you, okay?

I need to spend
more time with her.

Okay, good, okay. This is
what I’m saying, yes...

So I can find better
matches on Singles.net.

You’re still a lunatic.

Gotta get the profile
perfect, Mac.

She’s at the park right
now with Phoebe.

Listen, Tom, I did two semesters

of psychology at
Trenton State, okay?

This is what we call
"classic avoidance."

I am not taking you to the park.

Brynn is with them.

I’ll be honest, Val.

It all sounds suspicious.

Yeah, I was worried
you’d say that.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Honestly...

this is gonna sound weird,

but as big as the pit is

in my stomach right now,

I’m actually enjoying him.

Is that weird?

Well, then I guess you’ll
just have to decide.

Are you waiting on a bad
surprise or a good surprise?

Daddy! Daddy!

So we... we asked
the park ranger

where the prettiest
flowers were,

and he said it was you guys...
girls.

Thought you had a meeting.

- Huh?
- Meeting.

With Biron.

Oh, right. Yeah,
he had to cancel.

Daddy, come play with
me on the playground.

Uh, Daddy’s feeling a
little tired, baby.

I’ll be over in a few minutes.

I’ll play with you, Pheebs.

Well, are you coming or not?

So you gotta show
’em how it’s done.

He’s really bad. He’s really...

- Mac: I’m not bad.
- All right, all right.

You okay?

Yeah.

You don’t look so good.

Oh, God... are you
smoking again?

No, no. I’m not smoking again.

Just... I’m just tired, is all.

Okay.

Still haven’t taken
down that awful fence.

Oh, that’s right. That’s right.

This is "the most aesthetically

unappealing park
in Los Angeles."

Just because you say it that way

doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

What are you doing here?

Do you remember in college

when you were on the
all-girls bowling team?

Yeah.

Well, whatever happened to that?

Do you still bowl?

Have you seen me bowl lately?

We should bowl.

- We should bowl?
- Mm-hmm.

Let’s go bowling.

Tom: Now I see why
you quit bowling.

You stink.

But I’m winning,

so that means you stink...

More than you do. But these are...
these are artist’s hands.

They’re not meant for bowling.

Oh, no.

All right, last frame.

- Last chance for glory.
- Okay.

Do something special, Val.

- Ah!
- Whoo!

Nice!

Now that is more like it.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

You bowl one more strike,

I have to make out with you
when we get to the car.

And if I don’t bowl a strike?

You...

Never mind.

I love bowling all of a sudden.

Dang.

Looks like I’m
buying pizza, huh?

Not while we’re bowling.

What’s the matter with you?
Greases up the fingers.

Move.

So, Glen, what else do
you do besides bowling?

Oh, you want to
chat a little bit,

share our feelings? Is
that what you want to do?

Because I’m here to bowl, okay?

I let you talk me
into this date.

I’ll be damned if I’m gonna
let you ruin my bowling.

Step over there.

Further. You’re all
up on my back.

Get... sit down. Sit down.

♪ Dusting off the
sun in my eyes ♪

♪ Drifting in warm, blue skies ♪

♪ Well, I’m... ♪

♪ A million miles away...

Whoa...!

Okay, that was funny.
Really funny.

Tom, listen.

"Winelover61" is officially...

20 minutes late.

He’s not gonna make the tasting.

Take me to the wine tasting.

I drink the wine for free.

- It’s not a date.
- Mm-mm.

It’s just me drinking wine.

It’s not that big a deal.

Tom.

Biron: Hey.

Tom?

Where’s he going?

Hey, uh, you know where I can
get some condoms around here?

You look nothing
like your picture.

43? Really?

That’s the age you go with?

♪ So show me where
your love is ♪

Is "yoga" Greek for difficult?

It’s Greek for "you’re a baby."

Down. Sink lower.

Oh... no, thank you.

You are smoking
again, aren’t you?

Not smoking, just old.

All right.

Got an easy one for
you, "old man."

Chair pose. Plant your
feet, sit into it.

Up. Hands up.

Chair pose is good.

♪ A million miles away

♪ So show me where
your love is... ♪

You know, we’re all dying.

Your speech was moving,

but, dude, imagine
the dinosaurs.

Yoga one day, extinct the next.

- Dinosaurs doing yoga?
- Exactly.

They weren’t promised tomorrow.

Neither were we.

What is the best way to
make God laugh, Tom?

What?

Best way to make God
laugh is to make a plan.

That said,

your wife is smoking crazy hot,

so if your offer is a
real one, you can...

You can tell her she just found

a brand-new downward-facing dog.

I don’t think Cindy ever
really even loved him.

I think she was just doing
it for the publicity.

Daddy, you always
think the worst.

Maybe it just didn’t work out.

Maybe.

Didn’t work out with who?

Who are you talking about?

- Hanson...
- Carter.

- Tom, Phoebe: Duh.
- Val: Oh.

You know what? Why don’t
you just ask him yourself?

Right. When would I ever
get to meet Hanson?

Well, his mall tour
starts next week

at our mall...

on Valentine’s Day...

and you’re going!

What?!

What?

I read about it in "Teen Scene."

- "Teen Scene"?
- Yes.

Oh, my God!

- I have to go call Lexi.
- Okay!

- Phoebe: Yeah!
- Tom: Go call Lexi.

- Daddy, thank you!
- You’re welcome!

Wow.

Good, right?

Eh, pretty good.

We should... what?

Huh? What’s...

- What...?
- Okay, hear me out.

I know you hate Valentine’s Day

because of your name and...

It’s not because of my name.

You try making 900 orders
of tortellini in two hours.

But can I at least
get you to agree

to go on a date with
me on the 14th?

Phoebe’s gonna be
at the concert.

I talked to Brynn.
She’s gonna take her,

which gives us the night.

You never want to do anything.

Neither do you.

You want to take me out
for Valentine’s Day?

Mm-hmm.

I’m not gonna lie. I
am confused, but...

I am going with it.

How do you do that?

Do what?

Let yourself be carried
away by life like that?

I don’t know.

Do you ever get tired

of paddling against the current?

You stop paddling, you drown.

I’m breathing just fine.

Yeah.

I do get tired sometimes.

I wish I didn’t have
to be that way.

You don’t.

You could talk to me.

Talk to me.

Yeah...

Ahem.

- Michael.
- Tom.

- Val: Mike?
- Hey, come in. Come on.

Thanks.

Whew.

Oh, my God. Is something wrong?

Oh, no. No, no. Um...

you left your phone
at the restaurant,

so I just didn’t
want you to worry.

I put Saran Wrap on it.

Mike, I could have gone
a day without my phone.

Or just use the
Find My iPhone app.

The... come on, Val.
It was in the manual.

We can track our phones.

Ah-choo!

Did you drive down here
with the top open?

Um... ah-choo!

Mm.

Top’s broken.

Mike.

- Thank you.
- Just...

It’s no problem.

I just didn’t want you to worry

and you needed it and
then an accident happened

and you didn’t have it
or something, so...

I, uh...

just...

Okay, I’m gonna go back
to the restaurant.

- I’ll drive you.
- No, I’m good. It’s... it’s letting up.

Yeah.

Okay...

this is the point in the date

where I like to give the speech.

"I would like to introduce
you to my wife.

She is young,

she’s beautiful,

and pretty soon,

she’s going to be a widow.

I haven’t told her this yet,

but every doctor that
I have talked to

has told me the same thing...

Nine months to a year.

And when that happens,

Valentine is going to be alone.

You’re dying? You’re dying.

Man, I’m so sorry.

Do you like her?

Do I like your wife?

Sure.

I mean, we get along
great at work.

She’s terrific.

I mean, she’s a genius.

Really, this restaurant’s
just gonna...

take off, but...

Yeah, I like her, Tom.

She’s the whole package,
but you know that.

That’s why you married her.

We’re friends. I mean...

maybe under different
circumstances...

Wait. How would you
want to meet her

under "different circumstances"?

If I said yes, which I’m not,

how would this work?

You, me, and Val would
spend time together,

and I would watch the
two of you together,

and if it felt right...

then I would introduce
you to Phoebe.

And if my baby girl thinks

you’re the best thing
since Hanson Carter,

- then...
- Then what?

Then you would just hand
over the keys to your house?

Then I would tell Val...

how I feel... Tell
her that I like you,

plant the seeds.

Whew. Okay.

What about Val?

- Does she know about any of this?
- No.

She doesn’t, and I would
like to keep it that way,

- even after.
- This is so out there, Tom.

I mean, I’m truly sorry
for your situation,

I am, but...

this has "disaster"
written all over it.

Let me show you something.

You film me one more time...

No, okay.

Um, uh, okay!

- Phoebe: You ready?
- We’re ready.

Val: No, no. On the
count of three!

- Tom: Okay.
- Val: Okay.

Val, Tom: 1, 2, 3.

Val: ♪ Here comes the bride

♪ All dressed in white... ♪

Val’s wedding dress.

Phoebe wanted to
feel like a bride.

Val: Let me see your
shoes and the veil.

Oh, perfect, darling.

Oh, gorgeous.

Daddy, put the camera down.

You have to give me away.

I had to stop, because...

I’m never gonna see that.

Michael...

the thing that I have
figured out from all this

is if you have a chance

to love somebody,

you gotta take it...

and hold on to it.

You can’t take it for granted.

Don’t tell me you
don’t want this,

because you’ll live to
regret it or worse.

So how do we do this?

- Tom: Welcome to
the dream date.

- Tom: You heard it.
- Val: All right.

- What’s up, Mac?
- Mike: What you got?

- Tom: Anytime.
- This is killing me.

- Hmm.
- Brynn: Babe...

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Not great at all.

So you guys do this
every Friday night?

Yeah.

Really? That’s cool. Thank
you for inviting me.

Thanks for coming, man.

- You’re up.
- I’m up.

I’m up.

Oh, I got this.

Bear with me.

Val: What?

Brynn: Oh.

- What?
- "Zizivah."

- "Zizivah"?
- It’s a type of weevil.

A weevil’s a kind of beetle.

There are kinds of beetles?

Yeah.

Tom: And you know this?

I can’t even count that high.

This actually reminds me

of Esteban trying
to cut an onion.

"Valentine..."

"Valentine, I think I cut
my thumb off again."

That’s actually funny.

You know, if you cursed more,

I think you could open for me.

Thanks, man.

- Who’s Esteban?
- Val: He’s...

He does it a lot.

Esteban is great at start-ups,

bad at slicing.

Okay. Your turn.

I learned this. It’s
called the slide.

You learn well. That is perfect.

Mike: Pretty, right?

Mike: No, you didn’t!

- Mike: Terrible.
- Val: Terrible.

Hey.

Hi. Hi. You scared me.

We got it.

We got this. Come on.
I’ll walk you out.

- All right.
- Okay.

Um, thank you for
a lovely evening,

- and I’ll see you Monday.
- Thank you.

- I had fun. This was fun.
- Me, too.

Okay. Bye.

You were so right! I
just had to loosen up

and... and be myself
and try not to think

about how weird
this whole thing is

so I can actually
have a good time.

She’s not yours yet.

Excuse me?

She’s still my wife.

I know. I was just saying...

No, I’m just saying that as
long as I’m still alive,

you keep things
respectful, okay?

You know, I... I don’t get you.

You talk me into this thing,

and then when it goes
the way that you want,

you all of a sudden
can’t handle it.

I can handle it fine. I
just don’t want you to...

You don’t want what?
You don’t want what?

You don’t want me beating
you at Scrabble,

cleaning up bottles?

Tom, you have...

You have such a wonderful wife.

Yeah, I know how great she is.

Do you? Do you know
how great she is?

Listen...

you either want this,
or you don’t, okay?

If you want to stop this,
then I’ll respect you,

but you need to make
your mind up, damn it.

’Cause every moment
that I spend with her,

I’m greedy for another.

Michael, wait up a second.

I can’t believe I’m out with
my guy on Valentine’s Day.

- Mm-hmm.
- Nice.

Mm-hmm.

Where are we?

I found this great, little
out-of-the-way place.

It’s brand-new, was
supposed to be closed,

but I have an in with
the owners, so...

Oh, Tom, the chefs and
the waiters and...

Ah, they were more than happy to do it.
Trust me.

Hm... what’s the name of it?

You really have no
sense of direction.

What am I supposed... am I supposed
to know where I am right now?

Here.

What is...? What?

- This is your gift.
- I don’t understand.

I...

Biron represents a glassblower
who needed the money.

It was kind of a
last-minute thing.

Michael and I rigged
it up this morning.

If you want to change the font
or any part of it, we can...

It’s... it’s perfect.

Michael... did you talk to Mike?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He thought it was a great idea.

- Really great guy.
- Yeah.

I really like him a lot.

But enough about him
or anybody else.

Tonight is about you and me,

so close your eyes.

I’m nervous.

Oh, my God, I can’t
believe you did that.

- Keep your eyes closed.
- Okay.

Eyes closed.

- Okay, you ready?
- Wait, I don’t know.

- Um... okay.
- Open ’em.

Val: Oh, my God.
When did you...?

Michael and I put the
finishing touches on it.

Ah, a seat for madame?

What?

Mm, thank you.

You’re welcome.

That is the worst...

That is the worst French
accent I’ve ever heard.

I am sure I don’t know what
you are talking about.

I was born in Paree.

Oh, je suis désolé, monsieur.

Huh.

How do you say... "show-off"?

I don’t know.

Well, I already know
who our waiter is.

Who’s our chef?

You’re looking at him.

Oh, yeah?

I searched high and low

through all the
finest food stores

in Los Angeles to find this.

Oh, my G... That’s impressive.
That’s the good stuff.

I even learned how
to boil water.

- Oh, my.
- Here goes nothing.

Okay.

If you hear screaming...

Don’t hurt yourself.

♪ If there’s one thing I’d do ♪

♪ I’d love you forever... ♪

Whoa.

Hey, you okay?

Mm-hmm.

Brain freeze.

Well, I can... I can
help you with that.

♪ That would quench
the feelings ♪

♪ That I have for you...

Phoebe won’t be
home for an hour.

Not till... not till morning.

I texted Brynn from
the restaurant.

Yeah? God, I love you.

Whoa.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Babe.

What’s wrong?

Hey, talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me.

Hey, you’re scaring me.

Tom, you’re scaring me.

Val: Maybe there’s
another specialist.

No.

I just want to tell you to wait.

Wait. I don’t want you to go.

Val: Why did you
keep this from me?

It was a mistake.

How are we gonna tell her?

We’ll figure something out.

That one looks
like a watermelon.

Hey, baby girl...

Okay, maybe an egg.

It’s early, Daddy.

Hey, do you remember
when Rufus got sick?

Daddy,

are you trying to make me cry?

He got sick...

and we had to drive
him to the vet

and put him to sleep.

But it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

Sometimes, things like
that just happen...

no matter how much we
wish that it didn’t.

I know that. Daddy,
what are you...

Baby, I’m gonna be
your daddy forever.

And if you ever get scared...

or lonely...

you can look up at these clouds
and you can find me there.

Daddy, I don’t understand.

It’s okay. You don’t have to.
Not now.

Then why are you crying?

Because I’m thinking about...

ice cream.

That’s what I see up there.
Do you see it?

For breakfast?

Why the hell not, kiddo?

Come on. Let’s go
jump in the car

before Mommy wakes up
and spoils our plan.

- Wow.
- Tom: Yum!

Took you long enough.

Your text said early.

What kind of ice cream truck

makes its rounds at 7:00 a.m.?

The kind you pay a
lot of money to.

What’s your flavor?

Uh, pralines and cream.

Dumb it down a little.
Ice cream truck.

- Chocolate?
- Good.

Michael, this is Phoebe.

Phoebe, this is Michael.

Hey, Pheebs.

How do you know my nickname?

Because I can read minds.

No, you can’t.

How do you know that I can’t?

Your head would be bigger.

- Fair enough.
- Tom: Let’s go.

- Mike: You’re eight?
- Yeah.

Oh, cool.

- What’s your favorite class?
- I don’t have one.

- You don’t have a favorite class?
- No.

You know what mine was?
Calculus.

Phoebe: Huh? What’s that?

Radio DJ: Hey, we’ve been
promising it all week,

and now here it is, kids.
Star 98.7

has the L.A. premiere of the new

Hanson Carter single,
"You’ll Always Be My Girl."

Phoebe!

Phoe...

Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine.

I just... I got a little dizzy.
I’m good.

- Do you need a doctor?
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

Last time I went to a doctor,
they told me I was dying.

That was a joke.

Heh. Just a joke.

You’re gonna take
care of her, right?

Right?

Yeah, Tom.

Promise me.

Tom, what are you doing?

Promise me that no
matter what happens,

you’re going to
follow through...

that you’re the guy.

I need to know that
you’re the guy.

Tom, I don’t know that anybody
can make that promise.

But I will tell you
that I’ll try my best.

Fair enough, Michael.

Drive her home for me, okay?

Okay.

Recording: Hi. It’s Tom Bishop.
I can’t take your call.

Please leave a message,
and I will call you back.

Where’s Tom?

- We just left him...
- Where, Michael? Where?

At the park.

Listen. Listen.

Okay, listen.

Come here. Okay.

Listen, Uncle Mac is coming
from Aunt Brynn’s house.

Ooh. Are they going out now?

Phoebe, focus! Okay, I
want you to go inside.

I don’t want you to
open up the door

for anyone else
except Mac, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- Do you understand?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I’m so sorry, Val.
I heard he’s...

Why were you even together?

- He asked me for help.
- Help with what?

It’s... it’s complicated.

Yeah, uncomplicate
it for me, Michael.

- Does he have his phone?
- Yes, of course he has his phone.

All right, let’s go.
Track his phone.

He told me why he
did it, Val, and...

it makes sense.

Go home, Michael.

Tom!

Tom!

You shouldn’t be here!

You selfish, selfish
son of a bitch!

He told you?

- I am your wife!
- I know! I know.

All of this has been
for you and Phoebe.

I am not some puppy

you could just give
away to someone

when you think they
need a better home!

- I am your wife!
- I know! I know!

I’m trying to do what
is best for you.

Look. Take a close look,

because this is
just the beginning.

Val, this is just the beginning.

It’s gonna get so much worse.

I don’t want you to
see me like that.

You don’t get to tell
us what we want!

What was this, the...
the lone martyr

walks out into the ocean to die?
You kidding me?

You want to choose how you die?

Here’s your choice.

You come home, and you
stay with me and Phoebe

and your friends
and your family...

and the people who love you...

remembering the amazing
life that we have.

Or you can die right here.

I’m not gonna sit here and
watch you kill yourself.

Val!

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do.

Shh. Shh.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

How did we get here?

You’re a control freak.

Right.

And you’re lucky Michael’s
good with words.

If he hadn’t explained
everything so well,

I would have killed you myself.

He’s good with words, is he?

He’s excellent with words.

- Huh.
- He’s excellent.

And model handsome.

I mean, you have really
good taste in men.

You could set me up anytime.

Okay, okay. Enough.

Don’t ever try anything
stupid like that again.

You still love me?

Loving you was
never the problem.

I like you.

I like you very much.

I like you, too.

You can’t let go.

Do I look like somebody
who would let go of you?

Michael!

- Oh!
- Mac: That is hurtful.

That’s a hurt... that’s
a hurtful thing to do.

- Sorry.
- Doesn’t trust me.

It takes a while. It’s okay.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Don’t push her if
she’s not ready.

She’s ready.

You’re ready, right?

Uh-uh.

Michael: Two... three...

- Here we go.
- Mm-hmm.

- Don’t let go! Don’t let go!
- Come on, you got it.

No, don’t... okay, okay, okay!

Whoo, Phoebe!

Val: Oh, my God!

Daddy, I’m doing it!
I’m doing it!