Original subtitles

[Uncle Khan] Nav,

he was a great guy.

Yeah, he was lovely. Great fella.

So much potential.

[Mobeen] Loads of potential, yeah.

[Uncle Khan] He could have been a great force on the streets.

If you say so, Uncle. Yeah, he could have been a force.

[Uncle Khan] Yeah.

But more than that,

he was a fucking idiot. Don't you think?

Sorry, am I allowed to agree with that?

Mm-hm.

He was a fucking idiot.

You know I don't blame you, Mobeen, for Naveed's death.

[softly] Thank you, Allah.

I'm as just as much to blame as you are.

To be fair, that was mostly his fault anyway.

He was... [imitates gunshot] and then the brain went everywhere.

Yeah. But to cut a long story short,

you are in a mountain of trouble.

You took him to that meeting and he died.

And then one of the Maynards gets his anus blown up

all over a car park.

[laughs]

-It's not funny. -Sorry.

And the other Maynard,

he's threatening to a kill a policeman.

I think he was just over-exaggerating. It was heat of the moment, you know.

That's not what I'm hearing.

And under no circumstances is a policeman to be killed

over something that involves us.

-Us? -Yeah, us. You.

Now go and fix it.

Why can't he fix it? What's your name?

-Ken. -Kenneth will fix it.

That's not your real name, but he'll fix it.

-He's busy. -Okay, what about

-this brother there on the stairs? -Busy.

What about him here then?

He has to go to Costco.

I'm going to Costco.

What you got to go Costco for?

You better stay away from the baked goods, brother.

Okay.

I'll fix it.

I'll fix it, yeah.

Good. Make sure Jovell Maynard

doesn't kill this Officer Harper.

-Okay, yeah. -You fix it

or I'll fix you,

and under no circumstances are you to tell anyone.

Especially that Hooded Whisperer.

-[Nate] What? -He came running in like

Asian Denzel in Training Day,

and just like, "Put some respect on my name, man."

Took his own head off, clean.

-Father God! -Hm.

You know what, it was sad though, you know.

Well, listen, you would have blown his head off

if he kept chatting that patois, innit?

[both] "Me want fuck 'pon the yute."

-[in Urdu] Thu. -[in English] Listen, Mobeen,

me tell you where Maynard are gonna kill off the police boy,

but what me no understand...

How you come out of this lifestyle?

I know you're back in right deeper than you was before.

A mad thing that, rudeboy.

It's the maddest thing, you understand?

Yo,

can I borrow these?

You want to borrow me handcuff?

Yeah, I do.

Little kinky boy.

Nah, I ain't about them things.

Admit that you is kinky, and I'll give you the cuffs.

Listen, you're kinky just like me.

If you admit it, me give you the cuffs.

Okay, I'm a kinky boy.

Say it louder.

-I'm a kinky boy. -That be like Mobeen.

Look, me have some more in the other drawer.

-What? -Look in the other drawer.

Ah.

What's this now?

What's it doing in there with the knives and forks?

Give the food a little extra flavour.

Hey!

-I'm gone, man. -Mate, you not want your chicken?

Dirty boy.

Some of the Muslim boy kinky, you see.

Hey! Hey!

Rejecting our calls, eh?

-Kutta. -How did you two know I was here?

Technology. More specifically, the Track Your Ex application.

Track Your Ex?

I put it on your phone a few years ago.

So, come on, then, who you here to play golf with?

I'm not here to play golf.

You lying. That's golf bats there, I seen it.

I have come here to stop Officer Harper from being murdered.

You two need to go, now.

Oh shit. Yeah, we do need to go.

-Straight away, come on. -Yeah, straight away.

Salaam, Mobeen. Now what are you doing here?

Yo, salaam, J.

-Listen to me, brother. -Salaam alaikum.

Salaam alaikum.

I know you must be vexed right now.

Look, I would be as well if my brother's anus got splattered

all over the car park.

You know he's shitting in a bag for life.

Is it the ones from Asda?

-Your boy trying to run jokes? -No, no, no, no.

He's not, he's not. Yeah?

This ain't my fault. I'm feeling away about this.

I'm feeling guilty.

So, let me whack this fed for you.

Why would you do that?

Because, my brother, it's good for business, yeah.

The heat's on you, man.

Your brother's just been arrested. Nobody knows me.

Let me handle this for you.

Shit.

-Go on, then. -Yes, okay.

You got something to handle business with?

Yeah, it's in lane six.

Lane six, say no more. Yeah.

I'll do the thing, I'll dump his body off in the woods,

and we're good.

Make sure your boy in the shop patterns the thing.

Yeah, he will. He will. And...

while I'm gone,

I'm going to leave you with my drillers here, yeah.

-What, these two? -Yes, these two.

Them man are known on the streets as Black and Decker.

Which one am I?

[in Punjabi] Eat shit with toothpaste!

[in English] Yeah, I'm gone.

Keep him here.

-What did you say? What did you say? -[clears throat, shushes softly]

Yo.

Jovell said to pattern the thing. Did you pattern the thing?

-Yeah, I patterned the thing. -Yeah?

I pattered it.

You didn't understand a word that I just said, did you?

No, I'm sorry, I didn't. Do you...

Listen, just turn the CCTV off, all right?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

Yeah.

Why are you still standing there? Turn it off.

-Do you want a golf club? -No.

Doesn't want a golf club.

Fuck off!

Fuck off!

Fuck off!

Fuck off, Boris Johnson.

Ah.

Nice to see you hitting something white for once, Officer Harper.

Who let you in here, Moonbeam?

The same people that build a driving range in the middle of nowhere

with no phone reception. Perfect for killing coppers.

What are you talking about?

Someone's come to kill you and I'm here to fix it.

Who would want to...

Okay, yeah, fair enough. Who wants to kill me?

That's not important. We just need to go now.

Let me tell you something, Mean Gene.

-Mean Gene? -I'm not scared of anyone.

I'll go out on my badge.

No, you won't. Me and you are gone, now. Let's go.

Look, I don't think you heard me. I can look after myself, all right.

Why won't anyone listen to common sense in my life?

Oh, you've brought your own, have you?

Yes. You're not the only people allowed to use handcuffs.

Only two types of people in this world use handcuffs, Mobeen,

police officers and perverts.

And I know you're not a police officer.

Let's go, now. Come on.

Shitting hell. You better have the key.

-I left it at the Caribbean Kitchen. -Caribbean what?

Yo, if it was me licking down that fed,

I'd lick him down good. Good and hard.

Lick down?

Lick down.

-You sound like you're trying to shag him. -Nah, nah, nah.

Man's not on that cocky, cocky, tickle, tickle thing.

Not even when I was in prison.

-When did you go prison? -Remember?

Right, here we are. There's a gate around here somewhere.

Shitting nature.

-It's locked. -Yeah. We're going under.

I can't make it any clearer, all right? If you can just get through this

quite generously sized hole,

we are home and dry.

Otherwise it's a three mile walk through the woods.

We are at the edge of a golf course

and you are fat shaming me.

I'm not fat shaming you.

I just need you to start thinking a little thinner.

-That's it, give me your badge number. -Why?

Because you are committing a criminal offence.

Fat shaming is a crime.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

Yes. Good. I'm glad you're sorry.

Yeah, I'm going to take your report actually.

What's your name and address?

Oh, I know, it's Mobeen, isn't it?

At I-don't-give-a-fuck avenue.

Get through this massive hole.

I can't get through this pendchod hole.

[birds cawing]

-[Nate] How'd I do it? I would... -[sighs]

I'd cut off that fed's fingers one by one,

shove them up his nose

and his arse.

One finger up each nostril, that leaves eight.

Yeah?

No. Stick eight up his arsehole.

No. No, no.

Okay, forget the fingers, yeah?

I'd hang him upside down

and poke his eyeballs out.

I'm not going up anyone's arsehole.

Not again.

Fuck this. Where's Mobeen?

[Harper] Will you get a move on?

Oi, oi, oi, oi.

It's your job to help me over fences.

It's not my job to help you over fences.

Yeah, I pay my tax, I pay your wages.

Yeah, well, I'm putting in for overtime.

Why is it, even on my day off,

you and your bullshit life has got me into this situation?

Sorry, let's just establish what's going on here, yeah.

Some man's come to kill you, I'm saving your life,

and somehow you're still managing to complain to me.

Oh, that's slippy. Can I just hold you there?

-It's not slippy, it's a dry ski slope. -It doesn't feel dry.

You know what, that's why NWA made all those songs about the police.

All right, Ice Mube. Jesus. Can't fucking win with you lot, can we?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You lot?

What are the Old Bill doing, inject you man with liquid prejudice, yeah?

I was thinking about getting Nigel Farage's face tattooed here

on my chest.

-Right next to my beating heart. -Really? Yeah?

Will you sort your shit out, Moontits?

I hate that dickhead more than I hate you lot.

But let me be clear, I don't care about the colour of someone's skin

or whatever God they believe in.

By you lot, I mean anyone

that gives me a stinking pile of bastard paperwork.

-What you doing? -Wow.

Honestly, that's the best speech I ever heard in my whole entire life.

-Proper orator you are, mate. -Stop it.

-Come on. -Have you got any opinions

on climate change,

-'cause I'd love to hear them. -Just mind your step, will you?

Shit. Wait!

-What did I say? -It's not even that slippy.

It's really slippy.

[Harper] Watch your step on here.

[Mobeen] What do I do? Be really careful.

-[Harper] I've got you. Come on. -Really careful here.

[Harper] Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it.

[Mobeen] Yeah.

[Harper] That's it. Yeah, that's it. Oh, my days.

Blimmin' 'eck.

[Mobeen] I'm all right now.

-[Harper] Yeah, you sure, darling? -[Mobeen] Yeah, come on then.

Come on then.

[Harper] Fuck sake, I swear to God.

Look!

Where is he, then?

-Bro, can we play with the golf bat? -He should be here.

[Eight] Hello. Come on.

I've got a feeling I'm being mugged off, here.

Where's Mobeen and that fucking fed?

-He's not here. -Two men ran off in that direction

-holding hands. -Holding hands?

Mobeen Deen!

[Eight] Where you going now?

I flippin' hate PE.

[Mobeen] Come on, Harper.

This is a systemic issue, man.

Kids in poverty don't have much of a choice, do they?

Yeah, but you don't have to break the law,

sell those drugs, hurt those people.

Oh, Maybelline, it's going on my shoes.

Think about me, yeah. I was 15 years old,

expelled from school, no qualifications,

how did you want me to look after my people?

Oh, I don't know, you could do that thing.

Oh, what's it called? Get a job.

You're a funny guy, you know. You think getting a job's easy, yeah?

Handing in your CV at one of these zero-hour contract places

where they turn round and say, "Sorry, not employing from that area."

-They look at your address, yeah? -Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Jesus.

The maddest thing is they don't even see us as their children.

They see us as broke kids born to be criminals, white, black, and Asian.

And you lot don't help with that.

It's not easy for us lot either.

Which I don't mind you using by the way.

The government cut funding to the police

and it makes the world a more dangerous place, simple as that.

Listen, Harper, when you lot are out on the streets

you arrest first and ask questions later anyway so...

Not all of us, Moby Dick.

The same people are fucking us both over.

All right, the posh pricks who don't give a shit about anyone

who didn't wank them off at boarding school.

Oh, is that you, Harper? I'll agree with you on that one.

Yeah, no one's born a criminal.

Mm-hm.

How long?

I mean they do say I'm more blessed than rest, do you understand.

Not that. Come on.

Hey! No, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! It's going on my shoes.

-Come on! -Yeah!

-There you go. -Yeah, tucked it away?

-Yeah. -Right.

Oh, I need a poo now.

Fucking hell.

Where the fuck have they gone?

Man and man don't know where man and man went.

So maybe we should probably just go back.

Mobeen always goes that way when he's going home.

[in Urdu] Chup kar!

-We're trying to find him. -Shh!

Listen, Officer Harper, my turn now.

I don't want my hand in your pocket anymore.

What, so you want my hand in your pocket?

It's about equality, yeah. Go on, get in.

Yeah.

I'd be careful in there. Cause you already know I'm blessed than the rest, yeah. Oi.

No wonder your mum and dad did a runner to Karachi.

Hey, I told you. He's her dad, not mine.

Yeah, I know.

That's why you fractured his skull with a frying pan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen, he raised his hand to our mother,

so I raised a frying pan to his skull and cracked it in half.

Illegal, but justified.

How fucking far has he dragged this body?

Something ain't right here.

[Harper] I can't believe your mum just left her kids.

Well, listen, mate, you're making it sound a lot worse than it is.

When his mum did to Pakistan,

Eight's brothers, Nine and Ten raised him, so...

Couldn't have been easy for your mum to leave Aks.

No, man, it wasn't. Real traumatic.

She did the best thing for us.

You had to give up being a roadman.

Yeah.

And over the last few years I learnt what's most important to me in life

and it's family, innit?

Family... and frying pans.

You must miss her.

Of course we do, man.

But like I said,

I think Aks is better off with me.

I hope so.

Despite being a real pain in my arse,

you're actually a decent brother.

Is that a compliment, Harper?

Jeez, you keep that up and you're going to wake the beast

-from the Middle East. -Piss off.

I'm not even from the Middle East, you know.

Come on.

See, it's still slippy out here.

I'm scared.

Of what, the woods?

No, I'm not scared of woods, I'm scared of wood.

What?

I'm scared of wood.

Why are you saying this now?

We're surrounded by trees.

So?

Trees are made of wood.

Trees are made of trunks and leaves. What a idiot.

-I'm the idiot? -Yeah, proper.

Wait till I tell Mobeen.

-What a guy. -Jesus.

[Mobeen humming]

Will you stop it?

I feel like an eight year old girl with my best mate in the playground.

You know what, Harps, you're a weird guy, you know?

What kind of kid grows up

on a Nottingham council estate and dreams of being a police officer?

It's a long story, Man Boobs.

We've got bare time to kill over here, so go on.

I did some shit I'm not proud of.

Worse than joining the police, yeah?

If you're not going to take it seriously it will go straight back in my pocket.

I don't want to go in your pocket, I'm sorry. Go on.

The boys I used to kick around with, right bunch of nutters.

Is it?

They used to rob houses.

And once or twice

I might have gone with them.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, is that you house robbing, Harper?

We robbed this old geezer's house out in the sticks one night.

He shot and killed all three of them.

Mah.

Hold on a minute, was that in the paper?

Three Nottingham lads got blasted up at some country house.

Yeah, I was the fourth. Sat outside in the car.

After that I decided to do the most legitimate thing I could do.

And the most legitimate thing you could do was join the police?

You dumb as hell, bro.

Yo, listen, Harper, man, I'm sorry for your loss.

And in memory of your fallen mandem,

let's swing these hands.

Yeah, I told you. Look at that little smile on your face. Come on.

[Jovell] Mobeen!

Mobeen!

Relax, man, he's probably just dumping Harper's body in the river.

Plop, plop. That's the sound of the policeman's body hit... hitting the water.

-What are you talking about? -Mobeen!

Mobeen!

I'm going to fucking kill him. Mobeen!

Where is he?

I'm trying to distract him, man. I'm trying to make him go in the sea.

-The what? -The sea to check the body in there.

-Mobeen! -The sea!

Why am I talking to you? Why am I doing this?

Are we helping him now?

I thought he said distract him.

I guess this is where we part ways then, huh?

You forgetting something?

Yeah.

No, the handcuffs.

That's minor. Watch this.

-Ah, you... -Chill out, man.

How'd you do that?

It's on YouTube, everyone knows how to do that.

So why didn't you do that about an hour ago?

Because, big man, you wouldn't have come where I needed to get you.

And also this is one of the very best dates I've ever been on.

Be good, Harper.

I need to tell you something, Mobeen.

You've developed feelings for me, ain't you? It's fine, everyone does.

I know you're working for Khan.

What the fuck are you thinking? What about Aks?

He threatened her, man. I didn't have a choice.

-Why didn't you just report him? -Report him?

So what's your plan?

You going to what, do this till you end up in prison or dead?

No, no. I'm going to get out. I'm working on it.

It's not going to end well. He's got an informant inside his crew.

What?

We get intel from someone inside there on a regular basis.

-Who? -I don't know.

But we make a couple of arrests a year based on their information.

-Nah, that's bullshit, man. -It's true.

It's not my department, but I hear things.

Just get out. That's all I'm saying.

Thank you, Harper.

-There's one other thing. -What?

If they're going to believe I escaped, we're going to have to make it look legit.

Shit. So what do we do?

[grunts]

It's been emotional, Mobeen.

What the fuck happened?

He did me.

I knew I should have done it myself. Shit!

-Mobeen. -You OK, Mobes?

No, I'm not.

You need to go hospital.

We don't need to go hospital.

We need to get out of Small Heath.

[hip hop music playing]