Original subtitles

[intense orchestral music playing]

Teaching is a stressful vocation, isn't it, Miss?

Silence, Mobeen Deen.

What I did there was recreate the power that words,

represented by the pen,

can have on pupils, represented by the doll.

Racist pupils if we're properly accurate.

Aqsa, you were indulging in threatening behaviour.

I must say, Miss, only after she was racially abused herself, so...

We are dealing with that element,

but as the other student herself is half Pakistani,

it's complicated.

-[exhales] That is complicated, innit? -[Aks] Mobeen!

[Mrs Cuthbert] I will not tolerate threats of violence in my school.

This is the third time in the last week.

I'm going to have to exclude Aqsa from sixth form.

Miss, hey, please...

Third... Third time this week?

Has anything at home changed in the last few weeks?

-Well. -Nothing. Nothing has changed whatsoever.

Everything is the same, Miss. Look, listen,

if we exclude the youth of today,

where does that leave the future?

You always could talk your way

-out of trouble, couldn't you, Mobeen? -I mean...

But, Aqsa, I need you to make a commitment to better behaviour.

Give Miss your commitment.

I give you my commitment.

We promise.

I promise you.

-I know promises are sacred in Islam. -Yes, they are.

So, don't let me and Allah down.

Yeah, listen, Miss, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable

with you putting yourself in the same bracket

as the one true God and that, but...

-Thank you... -Mm-hm.

...and thank you!

[singing in Urdu]

-Thank you, Miss. -Thank you, Miss.

-Thank you, Allah. -Thank you, Allah. [chuckles]

So, have you ever...

considered converting to Islam?

Get out, Mobeen, before I change my mind.

Mobeen, before you go,

I thought I'd let you know about Mr Tilley.

Mr Tilley, my favourite teacher.

Sorry, after you. Of course, you were my favourite teacher. How is he?

Let's just say he's gone to the big school in the sky.

-Who did it? -Mainly his two oldest friends,

Lambert & Butler.

Lambert and... Cigarettes.

That's so sad, isn't it? He was my guy, you know.

He gave me an A-star for my lollipop stick statue of the Eiffel Tower.

What a guy. It was really good.

Yes, he always was an overgenerous marker.

-[sniggers] -The funeral is on Friday afternoon,

and I'm sure his widow would love to see

his former students in attendance.

Of course, we'll be there,

and also, no more drama from this one.

Say "no more drama" there to Miss.

Yeah, no more drama, Miss.

-I'll see you both on Friday then. -Mm.

-Mobeen. -Me, on my own and that? Yes, Miss.

This is a chance for you to demonstrate commitment,

-set an example to Aqsa. -Huh.

I'm sure you two won't let me down.

Never.

We wouldn't want there to be any, uh, consequences.

[whispers] Consequences.

Bye. [chuckles]

See you at the funeral.

[chuckles] See you there.

[suspenseful music playing]

If you're going to show me you're all about this life,

then you must prove it.

Do it!

[groans] Ah! I can't.

[Khan] Mobeen!

-[goat bleats] -Ji, uncle?

No, no, no, I think killing goats is cruel. I'm not doing that.

Oh, you don't say that when you're eating your goat curry, do you?

Well, obviously, uncle. That's because Billard the butcher shanks the goat

before I get to the curry.

A fair point.

But, uncle, listen to me, yeah...

I mean... Shit!

Only a real thug would deal with this goat in your office.

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Oh.

[bleats]

[Mobeen] Why are you creeping up on it?

It looks like you're going to shag it, not shank it.

[bleats]

Hey. I'm sorry.

-[bleats loudly] -[gasps]

-[screaming] -[laughs]

[Naveed] It's in my foot! It's in my foot.

-Oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait! -[goat bleats]

[Naveed] Wait, wait, wait!

I have to do it.

[screaming]

-[goat bleats] -Get it off.

[Naveed screams]

Oh, oh...

[Naveed gasps]

This is why one day you'll be running all of this, my son.

Hey, I don't mean to interrupt, but this actually looks quite serious.

Yeah. Listen, uncle, no, I won't be, yeah?

And if this week's episode of Bear Grylls Does Small Heath

is finished now, can you tell me why I'm here?

Yeah, look, I have a very important job for you.

Fine, I'll call the ambulance myself.

You see, there's some new kids on the block. The Maynards.

You know, they've grown to power by taking out some of my old connects.

Hello, yeah, I've just been stabbed by a goat and...

Look, I want you to make sure they sell my maal.

Uncle, listen, that's a big deal.

You should really make that connect yourself, so they know the rules,

-know who you are. -No, no, no, no.

You know how to talk to these young black boys.

Uncle, you're sounding very racist right now.

And he's making you sound like a bit of a paedo.

Shut up, Naveed, before I get that goat back in here.

Yeah.

I'm not comfortable with getting involved in this drug chug stuff,

because it hurts people, it damages lives.

-I don't want nothing to do with it. -You owe me 25,000, okay?

So, you will do as I tell you.

[Naveed] Listen, there's a hole in my foot.

Mobeen, I know you're trying to be a good Muslim.

Uncle Qassam, I really am, yeah... Hard, I'm trying.

Yeah, well you're fucking failing on that big-time.

So, I tell you what.

You set up this deal for me,

and I will write off the 25 grand,

and then, maybe... maybe you'll never have to see me again.

If I do this one deal for you...

-we're done? -Yeah.

Okay, so you go and meet the Maynards this Friday, 2:30.

2:30 this Friday?

I can't because I've got to go to my old teacher's funeral

and that's really important.

[laughing]

[grunting]

The next funeral you will go to will be that tall, lanky Nigerian friend of yours.

Now, you meet the Maynards,

-2:30, this Friday! -Okay, okay, okay.

-Go on! -I'll go with him.

[yells] No!

You do not go anywhere near that meeting.

I do not even want to see you in this office again.

You are a complete waste of fucking food.

Oh, oh, oh, fucking hell.

My goodness, that was harsh, wasn't it, hey?

Hey, Naveed, listen to me.

It's okay to cry.

-Is it? -Yeah.

There's no room for this toxic masculinity, bro,

not even in the thug life.

Could you call an ambulance, please? It really hurts.

I need you to take a deep breath, get yourself together,

-and stop being a wet lulli... -[groans]

And get on with it!

Eight! Nate! Come here.

What is it?

Cousin, I didn't know they were your socks.

Oh, just come here. I love you two.

[Nate] So, what's all this about?

[Eight] Never stop, though, because your side boob feels lovely.

What a bunch of chocolate gays!

[Eight and Nate clear throats]

I've just been thinking about death.

-Huh? -Huh?

Why? Who's after you?

-Mr Tilley. -Mr Tilley?

Mr Tilley is after you?

He gave me an A-star for my toilet roll statue of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

-He gave you an A-star as well? -Well, yeah, that was shit, though.

Do you remember? It wasn't even straight.

-It was, like, wonky. -Hey!

-He's dead. -What?

Oh, no.

Oh.

May our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ, rest his soul.

Ameen.

-Amen. -Ameen.

Easy mistake to make. Amen.

Yeah, I respect that. But it's Ameen, so...

It's definitely Amen when you think about it, though, innit?

Okay... [recites] Ameen.

-Good one, innit, it's Ameen. -Yeah, exactly.

Listen, anyway, Mr Tilley's funeral service is this Friday.

I want you to talk me through the service, because I want to be respectful.

What kind of church is it?

A white people church, innit?

I don't know how they get down.

Well, let's mess this up together then.

Amen.

It's Ameen. How many times I say it?

Uncle, which one do you use?

I couldn't give two shit.

What's this?

It's for my goat injury.

Okay.

Naveed.

So, what's going on?

I'm a disgrace.

Look at me. I've had four pain au chocolat.

Four of them?

I can't even roll a joint.

I've ruined a whole Argos catalogue.

-Naveed, listen to me. -[sniffles]

Would you like to know a secret?

-Hm? -What?

I... I can't roll joints either.

-Really? -Yes.

Yes, that's true.

I want you to know, mate,

see this roadman shit,

it's... it's just a fallacy.

Naveed, me, you, your uncle,

we are all faking it until we make it.

Here's what I need you to do. I need you to wipe off

the pain au chocolat crumbs,

go on, give them a wipe.

Yeah, that's it, yeah, get rid of them.

Throw away the marijuana,

because you, my friend,

are going to stall the Maynards.

Me, stall the Maynards?

You are going to stall the Maynards. I can only trust you to do that.

You really think I can stall the Maynards?

I know

you can stall the Maynards.

-2:30, though, be there, okay? -Yeah.

Just honestly stall them though, yeah, please?

-2:30? -Yeah?

-Yeah. -I believe in you. Ho-ho. Big Naveed.

Stop patronising me, you fat prick.

[Mobeen] I do love the architecture on churches of this era, beautiful.

Listen, you know, if you go inside, does that mean we're going to go to Hell?

Don't be silly.

But listen, yeah,

their version of Jesus are very white, brother,

looks like Chris Hemsworth swallowed a Polish builder and that,

-and we all know the truth, my friends. -Yeah.

Black Jesus, for life!

[speaking in Urdu]

[in English] Mobeen and the Spicy Girls. How you doing?

Officer Harper, what you doing here?

I've come to pay my respects to Mr Tilley.

He was a pillar of the local community.

Are you wagging the afternoon off work?

How dare you, Moonbean, I'm on duty.

But yeah, I'm wagging the afternoon.

Ah! I knew it. Come on, then.

[sighs] Go on, then.

You look very handsome.

This is the house of God, Arslan.

Stop coming on to me.

I wasn't doing that.

[in Urdu] Hore sex kar please, huh?

-[in English] Entirely the wrong place. -I wouldn't do that.

-Do we have to say anything, bro? -Nah.

It's all right, yeah?

Mobeen, Aqsa, glad you didn't let me down.

-Nathaniel. -Miss.

Good to see you.

Arslan.

Did they ever figure out what was wrong with you?

No, but I'm still having tests, Miss,

when I remember to go to the appointments, innit.

Miss, if you could point us in the direction of Mr Tilley's widow,

We've got a very busy afternoon.

We're all busy, Mobeen,

but don't worry, there will be plenty of time

to see her over the next few hours.

Miss, I don't think we've got a few hours.

You wouldn't want me to question your,

or more importantly, Aqsa's commitment,

-would you, Mobeen? -No.

[church organ playing hymn]

[speaking slowly] So interesting to see

someone like you at the service.

Okay...

And who do you worship?

I am a Christian, we just do things differently at my church.

I can imagine.

Is there a lot of voodoo?

[speaking in Urdu]

[in English] Officer Harper, why are you wearing a strap to a funeral?

Listen, Moonbean, when you walk around wearing this uniform,

protection is very important.

Are you wearing a condom?

Has he ever been tasered?

No, but I would support that police brutality.

I'm going to tell that one up there that Harper is wearing a condom.

What do you... What do you call him?

Father.

Dad!

[whispers] Dad, Harper is wearing a condom.

Sorry for your loss... [speaking in Urdu]

[intense orchestral music playing]

-Tammy. -Mobes.

Oh, mate.

Listen, you are giving me life right now.

Oh, poor old Mr Tilley, eh?

You know, he gave me an A-star

for my pot noodle model of the Great Wall of China.

He was a generous marker of students' work, it turns out.

Cheeky. Is your mouth still getting you into trouble then?

Listen, mate, more than you can imagine since school, flipping heck.

Time flies.

I don't think I've seen you after you got expelled.

No, and I don't think I saw you after...

Did everything work out?

Yeah, yeah, you know, she's healthy, beautiful.

-Yeah. -Pain in the bloody neck now.

-Teenagers, innit? -Oh, have you got one?

-It's complicated. -[Aks] Mobeen.

Speak of the devil...

Sorry to disturb this week's episode of The Undateables,

but do you know who that is?

Yes, that's my mate from school.

Oh, really? Well, tell her congratulations.

-For what? -Producing the most racist little cow

known to mankind.

That's her daughter?

God damn!

[woman clears throat]

God damn those who don't believe in Jesus,

but the real black one, peace be upon him.

-Are you sure? -Yes, so stop fraternising with the enemy.

Mum, this is Mobeen. We went to school together.

I have no interest in meeting anyone like him.

They're all the same.

Drug dealers and murderers.

I'm so sorry, Mobeen.

Why? She seems lovely.

She's just got a problem ever since Shannon's dad, with Pakistanis.

Complicated, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's no excuse, but yeah. Complicated.

[mobile vibrates]

-I'll see you in a minute, yeah? -Yeah.

Shit!

Yes, hello. What are the Maynards saying?

I don't know. I'm not there yet.

Where are you?

I'm at home, making sure they take me seriously.

-I'm getting prepared. -Getting prepared how?

By ironing my polo neck.

Polo neck! Who the fuck are you, Shaft?

You better get there before they do.

[Aks] That's not true.

What I said is fact, and facts can't be racist.

She's a buddi kutti, just like her granddaughter!

I am not. How dare you!

Where have you been? Selling heroin to the priest?

God, I have nothing to do with these people's sinful ways in your house.

Don't put your hands on the coffin.

Probably getting drunk on their own piss.

-Is he all right? -He's not, but to be fair to him,

we all thought that when we were kids.

We thought that's why it's called getting pissed,

because it's made out of your own piss.

Proper pishaap, innit? Yuck!

But only he believed it after primary school, so...

Your sort are taking over our country.

When we had our stupid diversity drive at work,

I had to make a full halal menu.

It took me two days to find halal lettuce.

-Sorry, halal lettuce? -Yeah.

Don't put your hands on the coffin.

Mobeen, isn't lettuce always halal, though?

Enough, okay.

Listen, Shannon's dad's Pakistani, yeah?

And when his parents found out you were pregnant, they flipped.

Pretty much.

Yeah, some brown people can be racist.

-Not as racist as her. -No.

And I can imagine some of the things that they said.

White girls are like this, gori are like that.

That's exactly what they said.

And that is disgusting, yeah,

but we're not all like that.

I am.

Every time, poo is coming out.

[slams hand] Don't put your hands on the coffin.

So, listen, what I'm trying to say is, yeah...

[sighs] You are breeding the same mentality into your granddaughter

that they bred into their son.

So, we can carry on hating each other, or we can choose to be better.

Go on, Moonbean.

-What do you think, Paula? -No.

-Can you just arrest her, please? -I can mace her.

That would be lovely.

Well done, Mobeen.

I hope you've seen the value of commitment to a cause.

-I have, Miss, yeah. -[Mrs Cuthbert] Huh.

Now that we've managed to cure the whole world of racism forever,

shall we lay Mr Tilley to rest?

[mobile vibrates]

Listen, baby girl, I've got to go but I'll leave you with these lot, yeah?

Yeah, thanks.

Sit down.

-Alayhi-salaam, J. -Salaam, Mobeen.

-Long time, my brother. -Yeah, man.

Yeah. Is this you man, yeah?

Just a little something, A to B, you know.

-You've never met my brother, no? -No.

Blood, you ain't never met me because I'm not here to be met.

Good afternoon, though.

Is he all right, this one?

We've got a lot to discuss, but first things first,

why is a guy in a turtle neck?

Oh, God.

[with Jamaican accent] Me wear what me wear.

-Why does he talk like that? -[laughs]

Me talk how me talk. Now, let's talk business.

[Shurwin] Yo, hush your gums and hop along, blood.

This is big man conversation.

You don't talk to me like that. Do you know who my uncle is?

No, but I know who your aunty is.

[laughs] That was quick, Shur.

-[Mobeen] Allow it, Nav, please. -You told me to stall them.

Wait, stall who? Do we look like the kind of people to be stalled?

Is that what you think of us, Mobeen?

That is not what I think of you, man, you know that.

Listen, we've been having a rough day, yeah?

Things ain't been running smoothly and that,

so let's just talk about how we can make you two

the next kingpins of Ladywood, yeah?

[Naveed] These two? Kingpins of Ladywood?

Even your ends sound like a woman with an erection.

-[gasps] -Woah, woah, woah.

You know what? You better shut your mouth

before I go to the whip and get the burner.

-No need. -You're gonna let them get away with that?

Mobeen, he's disrespecting me,

-you've got to do something. -[yells] Naveed!

Shut up! You're a joke. Just go.

Jovell,

Shurwin, I apologise, yeah?

Can we just get down to business, okay?

You move weight for Khan, with the power he's got in the city,

you two are set for life.

All you've got to do is just play your part.

-Mobeen. -Oh, my God.

Mobes, Mobes, they're serving peach cobbler.

-Not now. -[Eight] It's halal.

Hi.

Every time I turn my back, you're meeting more new men.

It's not like that.

Hey! You think I'm not man enough for road, yeah?

Well, look what I found in your whip.

Yeah, that's right.

How's it going to feel getting blasted by your own strap?

-Oh, shit. -[Naveed] And you!

You pussyhole! Am I saying that right, yeah?

You, my uncle, you lot never respected me,

but now, I'm not a joke now, am I, Mobeen, huh?

You better put some respect on my name, yeah?

Put some respect on me name. I--

[gasps]

[splutters]

[screams]

-[screams] -Mobeen.

-Run! -[Nate screaming]

Yo, that's my gun, my prints are all over it.

Armed police. Get your fucking hands in the air now! Hands in the air!

[screaming]

-Shurwin! -No!

I told you they were drug dealers and murderers.

[Tammy] Oh, shut up.

That fed is dead.

Let's go, let's go.

[Jovell] You're dead, Harper.

[music playing]