Original subtitles

[music playing]

[Shady] Elbows.

[softly] Why can't we have milk in our cereal?

[softly] What's your problem?

The main ingredients in cereal is cereal and fat.

Delicious fat. Get it.

-[Aks] What's your problem? -Milk is too white for me.

Almost racistly white.

-Sit down. -I don't want to sit down.

-Oi! -Sit down, bastard.

Okay, okay, okay, sorry.

It's my rules in this house.

Sit down.

Shoo!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're not going anywhere dressed like that.

-Dressed like what? -You look like a criminal.

I'm not taking a criminal to the food bank.

We can play banks and robbers.

Because I'm in the black hoodie

and the black joggers, I'm a criminal now, yeah?

Okay, you've been listening to Farage on LBC, innit?

No.

He's making the Britain great again.

-That was wicked. -[in Arabic] Mashallah.

[in English] Can you just go and get changed?

-No. -For me.

You know what, something funny is going on, because you--

Shh.

[whispers] You've changed since you been going to this food bank,

and I want to find out what's going on.

Please don't wear that big onesie jacket thing, yeah?

It's not flattering towards your titty-meat.

Hey! How you make me feel when you say them shits.

I like your titty-meat.

[in Urdu] Chup kar!

-[in English] What? -Hold it. Oh, he's coming.

What? What are you saying?

Nothing.

Yeah, walk away, bitch.

[door opens]

Oi, what are you doing here?

-Is Shady here? -Come inside now.

Right, tell me. What is it with you and Shady?

He was...

What?

When I was a kid, he used to...

He used to what?

Be my physics tutor.

-Yeah, okay. -To help me get into boarding school.

Yeah.

Every time

I forgot Crooks fluctuation theorem...

What did he do?

He used to...

hit the tip...

The tip of your what?

...of my fingers with a tiny hammer.

Oh, my God, thank goodness. I thought he bummed the days out of you.

What? No, that's disgusting.

-You made it sound like he'd bummed you. -No, I did not.

-That was how you were making it sound. -You have a filthy mind.

No, I'm just saying. It's good that he didn't. What do you want?

-We have to do a thing for Uncle. -What's that?

He wants us to hook him up with some rice and peas.

So, he wants us to collect some Caribbean food for him, does he?

What? No, peas, money. He wants us to wash his money.

Urban Dictionary's not working out for you, is it?

It's just a lot to take in.

-Go wait in the car. -I'm not waiting in the car.

If you don't go wait in the car,

I'm going to tell Uncle Shady you're here. I'm...

-No, no, no. -[softly] Uncle, Uncle, Uncle.

Physics boy is back.

-[chuckles] Hey. -I know what's going on.

Huh?

Yes. Yes, you do.

Naveed has come to take us to the food bank.

-Good girl, you're very clever. -He's not our cousin, is he?

This is to do with what happened with Eight and Nate, innit?

You promised you'd sort this. You're a hypocrite, Mobeen.

Excuse me.

That's a very serious accusation. You can go to the hellfire for 600 years

for accusing an innocent person of being a hypocrite.

I'd rather do 600 years in hell than carry on living with Uncle Shady.

[speaking Urdu]

[in English] I have almost sorted this, okay? You have to trust me. Almost.

Okay.

Are you ready to go to the food bank?

You'll know when I'm ready.

You know what? I'm never having kids of my own.

I just can't deal with all this sass every day.

Wow.

-Nice car, Naveed... -Thank you.

...for a 42-year-old mother of 17 on a school run, mate.

[faking laughter] Get in.

What the...

[grunting]

-Put your belt on. -[Eight] I put my belt on.

[softly] Hey. We can't take all of these lot on a job for Uncle.

[softly] We are not taking them all on a job, yeah?

We've got things to do first. You need to know, when you're on road,

you have to adapt to the situation. We've got to--

Hey, why are you still wearing these clothes?

Because I felt comfortable in them, okay?

And I need to make a decision myself sometimes.

How long have you two been together?

-Shut up. -Shut up, and drive the car.

Thank you, Mum.

Thank you, Mum.

Thank you, Mummy.

He's not your mum.

-Mobeen... -What?

-I've got to go. -Listen, I told you, not now.

Let's go, come on.

[car lock chimes]

[Nate] Mo, I'm telling you, eating kiwi fruits

with the skin on would definitely give you herpes.

That is awful.

And as I was saying, we shouldn't even need food banks.

And if you ask me, the real heroes here are the staff.

Hi, Michaela.

Nate, how are you?

Well, you know, see, it's... [chuckles]

[whispers] Okay, so this is why you come to the food bank, yeah?

[both in Arabic] Mashallah!

[in English] Sorry.

This is Mobeen.

-Very nice to meet you, mate, you okay? -You all right?

[Nate] And this is Eight.

And Aks and...

Nav.

Thanks for coming today, guys.

Yeah, I was saying that volunteers is the most important part

-of this operation. -He was saying that, yeah.

Actually, food and money are the most important things,

and we don't have enough of either.

That's why people are going hungry, again.

-[Mobeen] Exactly. -[chuckles] It's true.

Volunteers don't mean shit.

Volunteers are everything.

Yes. [chuckles]

Yeah, that's right.

Volunteers are everything.

They're everything. Everything, they are.

[whispers] You're about to lose...

So, is there anything that we can help you with?

Uh, well, we need some food parcels putting together.

Why don't you show this lot the ropes and then me and you can grab a coffee?

Great. I mean, yeah, go on.

We still need to talk fundraising.

We're still very short of our targets for this quarter.

Any questions, guys?

Yeah, is it all for free, this one?

Is everyone who uses this place a tramp?

I apologize, his mum is Priti Patel.

[Naveed] What? Excuse me.

If it wasn't for the Conservative Party, you wouldn't have this place.

-Aa gaya Margaret Thatcher. -What?

-Hey. -What?

We have to go, okay?

I do enough for these people with the tax that I pay.

Do you? All the tax that you and your uncle pay on the heroin you import?

Look, we've got to get that £25,000 laundered.

Why do you speak like this? We have been through this already.

You might as well call the police yourself and tell them what we're doing.

It's not like they're listening to us.

Rule number one of the roads, my friend, the police are always listening.

-Can you hear that? -Yeah?

Is there anything else I need to know?

Yes, um, that you should fuck off.

How is that for you? Hmm?

You fuck off.

-Nate, I've got to go. -Absolutely no chance.

Listen, it's not like you've been honest about why you're here, Romeo.

What? [scoffing]

I'm here to help.

There's so much I need to get on top of today.

-Oh, I know. -Don't...

-This place matters, Mobes, you know that? -Yeah, I know, I know.

What have you got to do that's so important today, anyways?

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing is more important to me than being here with you,

-fighting the good fight against... -Calm down, Akala.

It's more about the people than the politics in here.

You know what?

You're real sexy when you're making a point, you know.

-She's going to love that. -Stop being silly.

Do you think she's going to like it, though, yeah?

-You know what, I'm so happy for you. -Thanks, man.

[Naveed] They call me Uncle Nav...

because I run these ends.

Yeah?

They call me Uncle Nav, 'cause I run these ends.

Me waan call myself... Oh, God.

Hiya, mate. Where's the food bank?

Uh, it's in there.

Yes!

Now, take one off without making the rest fall.

Not the easiest one.

I was going to ask if you two had a minute,

but I think I already know the answer.

How is everything with Michaela?

Well, we had a very productive fundraising meeting.

Did you kiss?

-Is that why you've been working out? -No.

Working out why she won't go on a date with you?

[faking laughter] Listen, Aks,

why is Mobeen hanging around with that Nav guy?

I know he isn't your cousin.

[scoffs] He is, deffo.

Something smells funny.

Yeah, like my neighbor's cat's bum hole.

How do you know what that smells like?

Because I smelled it, innit.

Just keep an eye out.

-Like you do with Michaela. -[laughs, clears throat]

Are you going to smell her bum hole as well?

[in Urdu] Huh? Chup kar!

[Nate in English] Hi, Michaela.

He's going to smell her bum hole.

Hey, uh, excuse me, big man.

Oh, shit.

Brother Ahmed.

And I thought my day couldn't get any bloody worse.

Well, it's good to see you here volunteering.

-Great for the community and that. -Yeah, well.

It's good to do your bit, innit.

Sorry, we're out of pasta. It's all rice this week.

Thank you.

You're here to--

Yeah, well, it's not just homeless people that use this place, is it?

Hey, listen, I know that, I know that.

Good luck, mate.

If you must know...

I had an operation.

I couldn't work anymore.

I ended up with some payday loans.

Payday loans, yeah.

Three of the scariest words in the English dictionary, those.

Best of luck mate, yeah.

Four hundred percent interest they charge.

But do you know what really started the whole thing off?

What really killed me?

No.

The cost of cleaning that bloody carpet.

Your racistly white carpet?

How could a carpet be racist?

Are you having a stroke?

I'm going home now.

Hey. If you tell anyone you've seen me here,

I'll cook you and eat you.

[laughs]

Yeah, just leave it with me, okay? I've got big plans for this fundraising.

I'm glad to hear it. We are getting desperate.

Hello, Nate, hello Mrs. Nate.

Oh, my God. This is a private conversation.

Don't be like that. I'd love to get to know your friend.

Listen, Mrs. Nate, are you from a less sunny part of Africa than him?

Because you look a bit different?

[Nate chuckling] It's just... Listen, it's a joke.

Nate, listen.

You need to go, yeah? And take Eight and Aqsa with you.

They're embarrassing me. Get them out of here.

I'll take him, you keep her.

-Done deal. Yeah. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Let me just confirm this,

-you're not in a mood with me? -No, no, no.

Just get rid of Eight and I promise I'll make you your favorite tonight.

Peach cobbler?

-With the whipped cream? -If you're lucky.

[Eight] Hey! [speaks Urdu]

[in English] Come, let's do this thing.

Give me those. They're supposed to be for hungry people.

I am hungry people.

-Why is he coming? -Because if we leave him here,

he's going to empty the food bank.

I'm not taking your thick-as-dog-shit cousin with us.

Yo, don't you ever say that about him.

He's not my cousin.

[Naveed] He's a liability.

I'll decide what the liabilities are.

Remember, your uncle sent you to learn from me.

Now, do as you're told.

Yeah, do as you're told, otherwise I'll do a fart in your car,

like this.

[farting]

Ah, that's disgusting.

[speaking Punjabi] How many times have I told you?

Don't push it, don't push it, don't fart in the car.

You've just let out a fart, now there's shit everywhere.

[in English] Give me more peri salt then, innit.

[in English] If I sniff this shit any more,

I'm going to get some kind of nasal cancer

with the shit coming out of you.

Hey, yo, Zaki.

Jaldi bey, my brother, hurry up.

[in Bengali] Hey, how long is it going to take?

[in English] Ten minutes.

Two minutes, my brother.

-I just heard him say ten minutes. -No, he's Spanish.

Mobeen, while you're waiting, yeah?

-My brother. -Hey, no, no, no, it's on the house, bro.

Any bredren of Mr Khan's, innit?

Gets free family buckets for life, yeah.

-Good man, Zaki. -£1.20, my G.

-What? But I'm his nephew. -Don't give a fuck.

[laughs]

[Mobeen sighs happily]

[coins clink]

[Naveed] And I want the change.

Who is Uncle Khan?

He's from Star Trek. We'll watch it later on, yeah?

Nice one, Zaki. Go on now.

Here, you eat it. Good boy.

[sighs]

Mm, wicked.

Mobeen, it tastes like that school nurse that I shagged.

[groans]

How come you haven't brought me here before?

The rumor on the street is that these lot were

shotting fake halal meat certificates, so...

-Huh. -Mm.

Oi, them allegations weren't true though, yeah.

All right. That's good.

[cell phone rings]

Hi, Uncle. Yeah, yeah.

[Eight] Mobeen.

Can I have some more?

[in Urdu] Don't eat too much.

[in English] You're going to be sick.

Yeah, you're right.

Can I order four more portions please?

[Zaki] Give me four more portions, bruv.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Uncle, we're on our way.

Hey, yo, Zaki, come on, my brother.

-There's your wings, Eight. -That mine?

Yeah. Mobeen...

These ones, that's, uh, for you.

[Mobeen] My G, come on.

-Look after yourself, bro, salaam. Wicked. -Salaam.

-Is it halal, yeah? -Halal vegan.

Thanks, bro.

Come on, man, get busy.

Out, you kutta! It stinks in here.

Yo Eight, before you go, make sure you wipe your hands, yeah?

-Smell like a dog! -Oh, come on!

[Mobeen] Find your biting point. Find your biting point. There we go.

You just wait until he hears about this. Where is he?

Uncle?

-Why are you late? -[gasps]

Mobeen made us late by hanging about with a bunch of tramps.

-[bat bangs] -Stop your fucking snitching.

You make me sick.

Food bank?

Yeah. I know.

Naveed, don't be such a degenerate, huh?

Twenty years ago, I would have given anything for a food bank.

You know, when I was at my lowest point.

Fortunately, I saw sense and started to deal in class-A drugs.

Now get my money out and start counting it.

-Yes, Uncle. -Yes, Uncle.

You counting with your gloves on, yeah?

I was going to take them off.

Sure you were.

Twenty, 40, 60, 80, five bags. You are slow.

Don't worry about me.

Are you counting that money or what?

Uh-huh.

Hm?

[gasps]

[in Urdu] Close this.

Naveed.

[in English] What is this?

[sputters] They're chicken... Chicken wings.

[speaking Punjabi]

[yells in English] I know it's fucking chicken, Mo-fucking-been.

[Mobeen] Uncle, listen to me.

I know exactly what's happened. I'm going to go and sort it right now.

-Yeah, we'll sort it. -We'll sort it now.

You will fix it,

because this is very, very serious.

This is peri peri serious.

[laughs]

Pretty funny.

[laughs]

-I was sneaky about that, huh? -Very sneaky about it.

Fuck off!

Are you sure Mobeen's working for Uncle Khan?

The guy from Star Trek, yeah, that's what I said.

-Did you know about this? -No.

[sighs]

-Nathaniel. -[gasps]

-I can't believe this. -Huh?

You did have big plans for fundraising, didn't you?

This is going to change a lot of people's lives.

Star Trek is going to kill us.

[car tires screech]

[Naveed] Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

You've just ruined my average MPG with your reckless driving.

Average MPG, shut up!

[in Punjabi] Have you got the box of chicken?

[in English] She told him everything about you working for Star Trek, man.

-Shut up. -Why did you do that?

I never.

You pishaab kutta!

Mobeen, you have some explaining to do.

I'll explain everything but right now I need that chicken box, Nate, please.

Mrs. Nate took it for the hungry people.

-Nate. -Sorry, mate.

Why do you tell him everything?

He just gave it to me and...

[imperceptible]

Everything okay?

She's never going to talk to me again.

Relax, babes.

The money stays with the food bank.

-Isn't it bad money? -[Nate chuckles] Shut up.

She's right, it is bad money. But it's going to do good things here,

and who am I to argue? Who are you lot to argue with that?

Yeah, yeah, I agree, I agree. The money should definitely stay with Michaela.

-[chuckles] -[Eight] But if you've given her

all the money, then I'm definitely going to take another packet of crisps then.

Eight.

You're right.

-Shall we get the sweet corn? -Of course, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sweet corn.

You put that there.

-[speaking Punjabi] -Cornflakes, I want a cornflake tart.

[speaking Punjabi]

[in English] Aqsa, get custard.

-Do you want baby food? -Yeah.

[Eight] This is the best day ever.

[Mobeen] I hope you enjoyed your life.

They're gonna kill you.

-What? -They're gonna kill me.

He's not going to kill me, I'm his nephew. He's going to kill you.

-He's going to throw us off the roof. -I hope I land on you then.

[Khan] You took it upon yourselves

to give my money to charitable causes?

Yes, Uncle.

Can you believe this guy?

No. I can't.

But you did the right thing.

For fuck's sake, even when he gets it wrong, he--

Don't ever fucking swear in front of me again, huh?

-But, Uncle-- -Naveed.

Just give us a moment here. Please, please.

-Yeah. -[speaking Punjabi]

[in English] He's got to be the dumbest smart person I ever met in my life, Uncle,

you know what I'm saying?

-Whoa! -Listen, you fucking hairy tatta,

you just gave £5,000 of my money to a bunch of tramps

who'll spend it all on heroin.

Sorry, Uncle.

You got a problem with people that spend money on heroin?

Because that's bad for your business.

Shut up, Mobeen.

Listen, I didn't say this in front of Naveed because I'm trying

to instill into his brain a little bit of morality, you know?

So, you're trying to instill morality

-into him? -Mm-hm.

I mean, you're good at a lot of things but that's probably not your forte, innit,

is what I'm saying.

You're right. You know, that's why I spent the best part of nearly 100 grand

on school fees, you know, so that he could speak Latin.

-He can speak Latin? -Of course he fucking can't.

Okay, listen to me, yeah?

[speaking Urdu]

[in English] I'm sorry, I'm going to make this up to you.

I'm going to get you your five grand as soon as possible.

No, no, no.

-No, Uncle, please, I insist. -No.

It's not 5,000, it's 25,000.

Twenty--

-£25,000? -Mm-hm.

Uncle, that's like 400% interest.

Don't use the word interest. It's haram.

Sorry. Tauba, tauba.

Think of it more like...

bank charges. Bank charges.

-Bank charges? -Uh-huh.

-Mr. Payday Loans out here. -Yeah. Exactly. Thank you.

Here, have some chicken wings.

-Uncle, I'm not hungry right now. -[yells] Eat!

Have a seat.

Eat.

-I'm not hungry right now, Uncle. -Eat!

[music playing]