Original subtitles

-So, this is the legit life? -[Mobeen] This is the legit life, bro.

No more girls and penthouses and jewellery.

-Eh? -Yeah, yeah, it's better. Better life.

As long as I've got you, I am more than happy. You understand?

-[gun cocks] -Cal, what you doing?

Sorry, Mobeen. Just don't escape this life, bro.

Cal, you're a dead man. And you, bro.

Azaar, I didn't have nothing to do with that.

-[Azaar] No, you're a liar. -[gun cocks]

[siren wails]

I'm at the door...

-Tell him what Azaar said. -Next time it'll be Aks.

See you around, Mobeen.

Mobes, don't.

Now go and take care of your business.

[gun cocks]

[man gasps and whimpers]

I'm not gonna ask you again.

-Where is Azaar? -[man] He's gone.

-Where? -Holiday.

-If you say Ashby de la Zouch-- -Oh, that's right. Spain.

It's not in Spain. It's in Leicestershire!

Anyway, it wasn't Azaar that had your mates battered.

-What do you mean? -It was Uncle Khan that done him over.

Why?

Because the cocaine that Cal stole belonged to him. It all belongs to him.

[man groans]

What is that?

It's just that I find high intensity situations arousing.

You dirty kutta.

-It's a medical condition. -[woman] Is my taxi here yet?

-[Mobeen] Auntie, where did you come from? -Ten more minutes.

Sweaty, sweaty kutta.

You tell Khan, yeah, I had nothing to do with this.

Do you know what? In fact, I'll tell him myself.

-Where is he? -[man] He's back on Monday morning.

I'll tell him you're gonna come and see him.

Yeah.

[man speaking Punjabi]

-Mobeen. -What?

[in English] Will you put that gun to my temple one more time?

Pervert bastard.

You-- Auntie, I'll take you home. You don't need to get a taxi from here.

[speaking Urdu]

[in English] I can get that taxi arranged eight minutes.

Shut your mouth.

[rap song playing]

[yells in pain]

-It's me. You bowl of tatti. -Sorry.

Get downstairs. Idiot.

[Nate panting] Yeah.

Oh. [gasps] Yeah, hit them up.

[gasps]

What you doing?

I'm getting pumped. I'm getting so pumped

that I'm gonna snap their necks between my quadriceps after I'm done.

Yeah.

[exhales, grunts]

Your quadriceps are on your legs.

This one's a petrol bomb.

-I googled how to make it on your iPad. -[Mobeen] Oh, did you?

Can we just add domestic terrorism

to my list of increasing criminal charges tonight?

What if they find us and kill us?

Not gonna let anything happen to you guys. Come on. Yeah?

Where's Eight?

-[knocking at door] -Eight... [speaking Punjabi]

[in English] They've gone. Come on.

[Eight] It's not convenient for me to die right now.

Why?

I haven't even kissed Whitney Houston yet.

-You didn't tell him, did you? -Got a lot on my mind.

-Eight. -What?

-Bad news. -Yeah.

-Whitney Houston's already dead. -What? Did they get her as well?

[Eight swearing in Urdu]

I promise, if you stick with me, you'll be okay. Come out now.

Yeah, I bet you said that to Whitney Houston as well, innit? You kutta.

Mobeen, I just don't feel safe right now.

Seriously, Mobes, they could actually find us.

[Eight] Yeah, and they'll kill us like they killed Whitney Houston.

Ask him about that.

This is a safe house. I promise you, no one's gonna find you here.

My new house is the safest house.

What are you looking at?

-I've got to go. -What? You're not going anywhere.

Shady's making this safe house feel like an unsafe house.

Give me-- You're so strong.

-You're so strong. -He's like a Netflix serial killer.

-Who is the serial killer? -[gasps]

-No one. -No, I think she did mean you, Uncle,

'cause you'd make a wicked serial killer, innit?

[Mobeen] Uncle, can I have a word, please?

Thank you for letting us stay here, Uncle Shady.

And please look after them. They're my world.

What a shit world.

[sighs]

Once I've been to see Khan, I will come back for them.

Khan? No. That's bad.

What if I can't fix it, Uncle Shady?

You can fix it and then you can come back to your bloody shit world.

You know what? You've got a funny way of showing it,

but I know you care. Come on, let's have a cuddle.

-[Mobeen gasps] -Get out.

I can't believe no one's killed that kamina yet.

[Shady] I heard that.

[yells] Sit up!

[muffled moans]

Oh, hell, no.

-[muffled moans] -Oi, Mobeen. [speaking Urdu]

[in English] Welcome back to the world of Haram.

Great to be here.

Do me a favour, yaar, quickly. Which one of these two should live or die?

What have they done, Uncle?

They've been wasteful with my maal.

I'm down nearly 40 grand.

So, I think I'm going to hit their head 40 times with a cricket bat.

What do you reckon?

-These two kamine owe you 40 grand? -Uh-huh.

-You should kill them. -Okay.

-[muffled yells] -[Mobeen] No. Listen.

If you do kill them, then you're gonna have to find someone else

to deal with the Smethwick Lads.

That's gonna cost you way more than 40 grand in lost earnings.

-Ain't that right, boys? -[both] Mm.

-They haven't even apologised, yaar. -That's disgusting, Uncle. Say sorry.

[both] Sorry.

But what they're gonna do is to make it up to you.

If you let them live today, they're gonna work for free this year.

-Mm-mm. -Mm-mm.

Or, I mean, you know, boys. Yeah?

[muffled agreement]

-Say, "Thank you, Uncle Khan." -[both] Thank you.

So with your plan...

I keep the Smethwick links and continue making money.

I mean, yeah, if you like.

[exhales, laughs]

Oh, Mobeen, yaar, I've missed you so much.

He saved your life. Get rid of them.

[Nate yells]

Whoo!

Black people can swim.

Yeah, bitches!

I love Uncle Shady's new house. It's like a Pakistani Disneyland, innit?

Remove the dead rat from the filter, bastard.

No, I don't want to do it. I've already done one.

-Do it now. -No, that is disgusting.

Throw the toaster in.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, relax.

Netflix should definitely be filming this.

I think throw it in. It'll make the water more toasty.

Shut up.

Get me the bag. I have to go out and feed the foxes.

Here, take this. It's disgusting. Yuck!

[Shady] Just get more rats, bastard.

[Eight] But, Uncle, I already got them all.

There's no more left in here.

Look. See? There's nothing in here.

-Huh? I've got one. It's alive! -[screams]

[both screaming]

It's chasing us! It's coming!

[Eight yells]

[Nate] I'll save you!

You know, when I said, "Get rid of them," I meant get rid of them out of the office.

Not get rid of them.

[sighs]

How are you, Mobeen?

I'm doing bad, Uncle.

-I'm witnessing murders again. -I know.

Terrible, yaar. Terrible. You're such a good boy, yaar.

I know, you're trying to get out. You're a good Muslim.

-Becoming nearly a mullah. -I'm trying.

-How many times do you pray a day? -Like four and a half times.

[yells] Four and a half!

Well, namaz is finished for you now.

What do you expect, huh, hanging around with that degenerate Cal?

He crossed you, he crossed me.

I had nothing to do with this. I promise you.

You know, your heart has always been bigger than your head, Mobeen.

That is why you are in this massive pile of camel shit.

Shit de geya. Shit.

Uncle, listen to me. If you would listen to my proposal--

You're gonna shoot yourself in the face and save me the trouble?

Probably not that, but how about I bring Cal to you?

And?

-And get your maal back. -And?

I mean, that's about it.

You bring him back to me so I can fuck him.

Sexually?

You're not back at boarding school now, Naveed.

Uncle, but if I can bring him to you, me and you could--

You bring him back here exactly this time tomorrow

and then you are back on my Eid card list.

Uncle, I appreciate that, and I would love to be on that list,

but it's, like, impossible for me to get him here tomorrow.

Make it fucking possible.

'Cause next time, I will kill that big, soft, black one

and that special needs hamster you hang around with.

Uncle, leave it to me. I'll sort it.

-Sorry. -Oi, oi, oi, oi.

Sunshine, where are you going? Come back.

Now, just to make sure you do as you're told,

my nephew will be your new shadow.

Who? The "sexually" guy?

Yeah, the sexually guy's learning the family business.

Naveed, learning the family business...

First thing, don't use the name "sexually guy," okay?

That's not... I wasn't...

-I didn't mean sexually. -Are you sure?

'Cause you're standing real close to me right now, big man.

Yeah? You think I'm close now? Wait till I'm inside you.

-Huh? -[sputters] Inside your head.

Inside your...

When we get in here, you keep your mouth shut

about what your uncle's asked us to do. Yeah?

All right.

Take your shoes off.

-Why aren't you taking yours off? -Shut up.

How you doing, baby girl?

Apart from the serial killer, a toaster and a pool full of dead rats?

Who's this guy?

I'm his new guy.

[scoffs] Your new guy? Is that right, Mobeen? Huh?

No. You're the only guy for me. You know that.

Better be.

Who's that?

[chuckles] You must be the special needs hamster.

Yeah, I am. You better believe it.

Seriously, who is he?

I'll tell you who I am. I'm--

He is one of our cousins.

-Huh? -What?

-Mm-hm. -I've never met him before.

Sorry. And you've met all of our cousins, have you?

-I have. -[Aks] Good point.

Does that mean I have to be nice to him?

I mean, he's family, so...

-So definitely not. -Exactly.

-What do you want? -Can I have a word in private?

Let's go.

-What is it? -Does he live here?

-Yeah. So what? -Right. I've got to go.

We'll do a linking up tomorrow.

-A linking up? -[door closes]

Brother, you need to go onto Urban Dictionary.

Didn't even put his shoes on.

-[sighs] Naveed's gone. -Good. He better never come back.

Wipe this bag off, bastard. The foxes were very hungry.

-Do foxes eat hamsters, Uncle? -Just wash it, bastard.

What are you looking at, poom poom?

-Come on, just tell me, man. -I don't want to talk about Shady.

It's too painful.

Let's just say he's a badman and leave it at that.

Is that a correct use of the vernacular? Badman, yeah.

-Gold star for you, Mr Nav. -Who are we meeting?

The only person that can find any man in Small Heath.

-Who? -Your mum.

Grow up. Seriously, who is it?

You are about to meet the Hood Whisperer.

[imitating ghost] Ooh!

Your mum.

[taps door]

Yo! Mobeen, my yute. Wagwan? Long time gone me no see you, dog.

[Mobeen] How are you, my brother?

-Bless, rudeboy. -You're looking good as always, you know?

-Wicked. Wicked. -More power, more life to you, my brother.

Yo, more power, more life to you, my dog.

-Me want fuck 'pon the yute. -Hey!

-What is-- What man saying? -What you say that for?

Where you get the boy from?

He's been listening to R. Kelly.

-What? No I haven't. -He has.

-Bloodclaat. -Listen, Hood Whisperer, man.

I need your help.

I need you to find somebody only you can find, yeah?

-What you need finding? -Cal Winston.

Cal Winston?

That boy is trouble, man.

Can't do that, man. You mad.

-[softly] You've got to find him. -[softly] Wait.

-Tell him. -Wait.

Hood Whisperer, my brother, listen, I need this thing.

[sighs]

-Give me a week then. -[softly] We don't have a week.

My uncle's gonna kill you if you don't find him.

I know this. Listen, Hood Whisperer.

I ain't got a week, my brother. I need him quick.

How quick?

Like today.

Today? Bomboclaat. You're crazy.

You think I can find him in one day, you're mad. And watch him.

Standing up there with the mouth open like guppy fish.

Close your mouth, guppy fish boy.

-Close your mouth. -I'm closing it.

Listen, dog. Me can't find him in one day.

Me looks like I'm Frodo in The Lord of the Rings,

and me can go on some mission and find him? You're mad. Not a chance.

-Listen, Hood Whisperer. -What?

Listen, me asking you, my brother. Come on.

[sighs]

All right. Give me a minute. Let me see what me can do for you.

One day to find Cal Winston,

and this little guppy fish boy looking at my face in my restaurant.

Nobody look on me, dog.

Where do I look?

Uh, how about here? How about there?

Listen me. You know Cal Winston?

Mm.

Nah?

Oh. All right. She see him?

She not see him?

[sighs]

All right.

Mm.

So nothing. No.

All right then.

Him at the garden centre.

-He where now? -I thought you said it was impossible.

Sometime I over-exaggerate for dramatic effect.

-What's he doing at the garden centre? -Does it matter?

Buying geraniums for his window box.

You lullihole. Listen, we found the geezer.

That's the most important thing.

Geraniums at this time of year? [scoffs] Wake up, Mobeen.

Listen, go down the Solihull branch. Him down by the evergreens.

Hurry up quick. Him soon left.

Listen, you done save my life.

-All right, rudeboy. -Thank you.

-He is gonna fix that finder's fee thing. -Respect.

-What? -Give the money.

Yeah, man, run the money, guppy fish boy. Come on, man.

All right.

Geraniums at this time of year? Can you believe it?

Fuck off.

Oh. Okay.

-Cal's here. -Oh, yeah? How do you know?

'Cause we're in a garden centre. Yeah?

Nana Mildred's hardly gonna have the word "ghetto"

on her number plate, is she?

-Come on. -Wait, wait.

Is it gonna be dangerous in there?

You're about to learn. Shit's gonna get real.

[relaxing music playing]

-No sign of him? -[Naveed] Not yet.

Shit.

What is this?

It's half price. What am I supposed to do?

Now is not time for brown uncle bargains. Let's go. Enough.

[Mobeen] And there he is.

Cal the cocaine-stealing cockhole.

[Naveed] I think he saw us.

-Mobeen. -Wagwan, Cal? Huh?

-Mobes, come on. -You always carry fucking things with you.

-Come on. -What you got on you?

Yeah? Is that you? Bury this in the tulips.

The soil's very dry at this time of year.

Bury it, Titchmarsh.

Listen, Mobes. [pants] I was gonna come see you.

You put my little sister in the most danger.

But I had my reasons, all right?

Do a man a favour, yeah? Explain it to Khan.

What?

Mobes, Khan will kill me.

You should have thought about that before you caused this mess.

Not right now, Mobes. Please.

-Please. -[girl] Dad?

It's okay. It's okay, baby girl. You're all right.

Give me your keys.

-What? -Give me your keys now.

This belongs to Khan.

Just go, Cal.

-What? Uncle will kill us. -Just go.

Brother, listen.

I was gonna come see you.

-I swear down. -Brother? Brother? Yeah?

I'm not your brother anymore. You ruined that.

Do you want my advice, yeah?

Take your little girl, take your mum and get the fuck out of Birmingham.

Sorry about the bad language.

[hip-hop song playing]

♪ Oh, I know you're a superstar ♪

♪ A supernova shining You can see from super far ♪

♪ And they ain't ready, no You're about to hit the bottle on 'em ♪

♪ Won't see it coming, you're gon' come through like a super car ♪

♪ Oh, tell me what it feel like To have no fear at all ♪

♪ And do it here in real life Real power, right now, all day long ♪

Oh! Afridi smashes the Indian bastards for the fastest century ever recorded.

[laughs]

Uncle, listen. I'm not comfortable with those vibes there, you know?

Before the Brits pulled out that crayon and split us up,

we lived side by side.

-Hindu, Sikh, Muslim... -[speaking Urdu]

[in English] If I wanted a sermon, I'd go to the fucking mosque. Where's Cal?

Uncle, listen. As it stands, a 50 grand Audi RS 6 is yours.

-What? -Yeah. Listen. I took this off him.

It's double what he owed you. That's for you.

That's a good deal.

It is. Yeah.

But it still doesn't answer my question.

-Where is Cal? -Mobeen let him go.

-He doesn't want to live this life. -I hate a fucking snitch.

"Mobeen let him go." Don't you hate a snitch?

-Yeah, I hate this guy. -What? How am I the bad guy?

I'm confused. Now, why did you do this?

Now, unless you want me to play Afridi with your head, Mobeen,

tell me the truth.

Uncle, it's a simple thing, yeah?

He's got a daughter and I didn't want to take her father away from her.

You said you was going to mash him up and that.

-So, you were driven by conscience. -[Naveed] Yeah.

-Wrong move, idiot. -[Khan] Shut up, Naveed.

Yes, Uncle. I was driven by my conscience, yeah.

-I like it. -What?

-Huh? -Yeah.

[sputters] Your uncle... Of course your uncle likes it.

[laughs] So, we're done here? [speaking Urdu]

[in English] Thank you.

[both laughing]

No. You don't understand. It was never about the money.

It's about izzat. Honour.

You letting Cal go, you took away my honour.

Yeah, so we're not done here then.

Ah, now you understand.

So, welcome to your full-time job

as a member of the world of Haram.

And when that phone rings, you better answer it.

[laughs]

You hear that?

-We're not playing around anymore. -Naveed!

-Yup. -Get my fucking ball, yaar.

Yes, Uncle.

[sighs]

Fuck.

[music playing]