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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,239 - NOW THE REASON WE'RE HERE 2 00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:07,582 IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER 3 00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:11,248 TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER 4 00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:14,479 WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM 5 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:18,185 EVERYBODY STAND UP 6 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,059 OOH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD 7 00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:22,259 SAY, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU 8 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:23,420 I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU 9 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,827 I LOVE YOU 10 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:30,159 TALK TO ME, DARLING, TALK TO ME, DARLING 11 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:34,135 [rock music] 12 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,668 13 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:38,443 - YOU KNOW THE ONLY DOWNSIDE OF MOVING IN TOGETHER? 14 00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:39,842 DUPLICATE CDs. 15 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,683 HOW DO WE BOTH HAVE CHER'S BELIEVE? 16 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:45,249 - UM, I WON MINE IN A CONTEST. 17 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,609 - IT SAYS, "TO JEFF, KEEP BELIEVIN'." 18 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:47,677 - OKAY, LOOK. 19 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,615 CHER HAS GOTTEN ME THROUGH SOME VERY TOUGH TIMES. 20 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,221 WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? 21 00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:54,263 - YOU'RE ADORABLE. - I DO BELIEVE. 22 00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:56,258 - [laughing] 23 00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:58,730 - THIS IS INTERESTING. - HMM? 24 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,589 - WELL, I'M LOOKING AT OUR CABLE BILL. 25 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:02,828 AND ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO, 26 00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:05,233 SOMEONE ORDERED THEMSELVES A LITTLE ADULT ENTERTAINMENT. 27 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,266 FOR $7.99. 28 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:10,771 AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT THAT SOMEONE WASN'T ME. 29 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,244 - OH! THAT'S SO FUNNY. 30 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:15,214 OH, MY GOD. I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. 31 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:16,383 HEY! 32 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,880 - I NEVER FIGURED YOU FOR A SMUT-MONGER. 33 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:19,882 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. 34 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,283 - SAID THE SMUT-MONGER. 35 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,345 - STOP IT. 36 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:23,323 IT WAS THAT ONE WEEK THAT YOU WERE IN SAN DIEGO. 37 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,321 I WENT OUT FOR DRINKS WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS. 38 00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:27,193 AND WHEN I GOT HOME 39 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:28,191 I WAS KIND OF IN THE MOOD, I GUESS. 40 00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,592 - YOU WERE IN THE MOOD. 41 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:30,623 FOR... 42 00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:32,128 HAWAII FIVE BLOWS. 43 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,400 - EW, STOP IT. IT'S NOT THE GRAPHIC SEX. 44 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,228 IT'S--I LIKE THE UNIFORMS. 45 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:39,504 - WHY DON'T YOU JUST WATCH AN EPISODE OF RESCUE ME? 46 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:40,833 - OKAY, IT'S CONNECTED TO THE SEX. 47 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,268 - WOW. 48 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,343 I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T KNOW THIS ABOUT YOU. 49 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,312 YOU HAVE A FETISH. 50 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:46,169 - I DON'T. 51 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,707 HAVE ONE OF THOSE. IT'S JUST A THING. 52 00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:51,712 I LIKE A MAN IN UNIFORM. IT'S SEXY, WHO CARES. 53 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,405 - UNIFORM FETISH. 54 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,717 YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY-- YOU DON'T. 55 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,349 SO TELL ME, SWEETHEART. 56 00:01:57,385 --> 00:02:01,415 WHAT WAS THE DIRTY, DIRTY, I'M ASSUMING FAIRLY LINEAR 57 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,615 PLOT OF THIS FILM? 58 00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:04,556 - I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. 59 00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:05,392 - DID SOMEBODY SAY, 60 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,626 "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SEXY?" 61 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,900 - JEFF, STOP. 62 00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,428 - [laughing] LET ME GUESS, LET ME GUESS. 63 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,233 SPREAD 'EM. - I'M GOING TO BED. 64 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,225 - DID THEY SAY, "SPREAD 'EM?" 65 00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,366 - GOING TO BED. 66 00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:15,171 - WHO WAS IN IT? - STOP! 67 00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:17,413 - MIRANDA RIGHTS? 68 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:18,608 COME ON, THAT'S FUNNY! 69 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:22,609 MIRANDA RIGHTS IS FUNNY. 70 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,483 - HELLO. - HEY, BRIAN. 71 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,612 - HEY, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED. 72 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,846 LISTEN, DAD'S BIRTHDAY IS NEXT WEEK. 73 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,180 SO IF YOU WANT TO GO HALFSIES ON A GIFT, JUST LET ME KNOW. 74 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:31,187 - OH, WHICH MEANS I GET TO PICK IT OUT, MAIL IT, 75 00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,389 AND DO ALL THE WORK? 76 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,650 - YEAH, SO LET ME KNOW. SO WHAT'S UP? 77 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,317 I'M GONNA GO GET MADDY AT SCHOOL. 78 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,956 - OKAY, I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE EX-WIFE. 79 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:41,661 BUT, UM, DID SHE HAVE ANY, LIKE, FETISHES? 80 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,295 - WHAT? HEATHER? 81 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:44,631 NO, WHY? 82 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,695 DID YOU SEE HER DO SOMETHING KINKY ON THE INTERNET? 83 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,204 BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY DARK GOING ON WITH HER. 84 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:51,237 WHAT KIND OF WOMAN JUST LEAVES HER FAMILY LIKE THAT? 85 00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,942 - OKAY, NO. NO. GOD, NO. 86 00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,343 NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT HER. 87 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,335 I'M TALKING ABOUT MY FRIEND. 88 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:56,836 UM, ALEXIS? 89 00:02:56,877 --> 00:03:00,347 SHE TOLD HER BOYFRIEND ABOUT SOMETHING SEXUAL SHE'S INTO. 90 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,251 AND NOW SHE FEELS STUPID AND EMBARRASSED 91 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:03,323 AND WISHES SHE HADN'T TOLD HIM. 92 00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:05,251 - REALLY? ALEXIS, HUH? 93 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,946 YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNEW SHE WAS A FREAK. 94 00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,487 SO WHAT IS SHE INTO? 95 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,762 WHIPS, OR BONDAGE? 96 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:10,790 OR ICE-CUBING? 97 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,464 OR RAISIN PLAY? 98 00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:13,993 - NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. 99 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,627 IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT. IT'S CUTE. 100 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,003 THIS CUTE LITTLE UNIFORM FETISH. 101 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,531 IT'S MORE OF A TURN-ON, REALLY. 102 00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,368 - YEAH, ON THE SURFACE THAT'S CUTE. 103 00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:23,873 BUT FETISHES, THEY GOTTA COME FROM SOMETHING. 104 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,644 I MEAN, WHY DOES SHE SEXUALIZE A UNIFORM? 105 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:26,943 WAS HER DAD A COP? 106 00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,344 DID HE NOT LOVE HER? 107 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,306 DOES SHE WANT TO BE DOMINATED? 108 00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,543 I DON'T KNOW. 109 00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:32,448 SHE DID NOT HAVE A HEALTHY UPBRINGING, CLEARLY. 110 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,620 - I HEAR THESE THINGS ARE A PERFECTLY NATURAL OUTLET. 111 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,778 - YEAH. 112 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,716 OR, YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE SOME KIND OF GATEWAY FETISH. 113 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,922 LIKE, ONE DAY IT'S UNIFORMS, THE NEXT SHE'S WEARING A MASK 114 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,924 AND SHE'S HAVING SEX WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF STRANGERS 115 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:43,916 IN SOME FANCY MANSION. 116 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:46,427 - WHY DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS STUFF? 117 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,500 - BECAUSE I JUST WATCHED EYES WIDE SHUT ON STARZ. 118 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:51,269 IT'S A CHANNEL FOR LONELY MEN WHOSE WIVES HAVE DUMPED THEM. 119 00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:53,369 ANYWAY, UM-- HEY, ABOUT DAD. 120 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:54,401 GET HIM SOMETHING NICE. 121 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:55,035 LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. 122 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,408 - BYE. - SEE YOU. 123 00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:00,038 - [sighs] 124 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,613 - SHOULD I BE READING BETWEEN THE LINES HERE, ELI? 125 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:07,053 I MEAN, SHE WANTS A MAN IN UNIFORM. 126 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,280 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 127 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,116 HUH? 128 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,419 YOU THINK SHE WANTS A MANLIER MAN? 129 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:14,792 - SO WE'LL STAY AWAY FROM MALE NURSE AND EAGLE SCOUT. 130 00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:17,392 - AM I PLAYING IT TOO SAFE? 'CAUSE I'LL DO FUN STUFF. 131 00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:18,955 I'LL DRAW A BATH OUT OF NOWHERE. 132 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,432 AND SHE'LL COME HOME AND I'LL JUST BE IN IT, WAITING. 133 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,432 BUOY STYLE. COME GET CLEAN. 134 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,304 - DON'T OVERTHINK THIS, ALL RIGHT? 135 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,403 IT'S SIMPLE. 136 00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,304 WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT, YOU GOTTA BRING THE CARUSO. 137 00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:29,396 - RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. 138 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,597 I'VE JUST BEEN GETTING OFF TRACK. 139 00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:33,608 - MAYBE BRIDGET JUST LIKES A DUDE IN UNIFORM, ALL RIGHT? 140 00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:36,541 WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULD GO WITH COP. 141 00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:39,347 - IT'S A BABY DRESS. - OKAY. 142 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,780 WHEN YOU'RE IN A WORLD YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT, 143 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,416 JUST GIVE THE LADY WHAT SHE ASKED FOR. 144 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,652 - I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. I THINK THIS IS IT, ISN'T IT? 145 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:47,517 - YEAH. 146 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:49,355 HEY, OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A GUN. 147 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,060 WITH ONE BULLET, JUST FOR SUSPENSE. 148 00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,331 - I THINK THAT'S PROBABLY CROSSING THE LINE. 149 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:56,801 - YOU THINK? - [quietly] YEAH. 150 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:57,870 [knock on door] 151 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,328 OPEN UP IN THERE! 152 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,337 IT'S THE POLICE! 153 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,065 RRAAH! - WHOA! 154 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,706 YOU SAID OPEN UP. 155 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:08,811 YOU HAD TO KNOW I'D BE STANDING HERE. 156 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:09,982 - SWEETIE, I'M SO SORRY. 157 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,410 DID THAT HIT YOU IN THE KNEE, OR THE-- 158 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:12,705 - NO, I'M OKAY. IT'S OKAY. 159 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:13,946 OKAY, HEY. 160 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,551 LOOK, YOU LOOK GOOD. THIS IS GOOD. 161 00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:17,423 LET'S KEEP GOING. 162 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:18,051 - OKAY. 163 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:20,445 [clears throat] 164 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:22,458 IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN HERE, MA'AM? 165 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:23,920 DISPATCH JUST CALLED IN 166 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:25,927 A FOUR-FIVE-SIX- SEVEN-NINER-NINER. 167 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:26,959 IN PROGRESS. 168 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,404 - UH-OH. WHAT IS THAT? 169 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,969 - THAT'S AN ULTRA-FOX IN NEED OF A BONING. 170 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:35,569 - YOU SURE THAT YOU'RE UP FOR THIS...OFFICER-- 171 00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:37,073 - McCAFFREY! 172 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,514 I'M ALWAYS UP FOR IT. 173 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,710 ALLOW ME TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE TIGHTNESS OF MY UNIFORM. 174 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,912 YOU SEE, MY PARTNER JIMMY WAS RECENTLY KILLED 175 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,875 IN THE LINE OF DUTY. 176 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,154 I'VE BEEN EMOTIONALLY EATING. 177 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,582 - JEFF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 178 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:53,448 - I'M GIVING YOU, LIKE, THE WHOLE BACKSTORY. 179 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,417 JIMMY LEFT BEHIND A WIDOW. 180 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:58,426 AND LITTLE JIMMY JR. WAS IN A TINY WHEELCHAIR. 181 00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,959 - OKAY, STOP. JUST HAVE SEX WITH ME. 182 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,064 - GET ON THE GROUND! - YES! 183 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,925 - DO IT NOW! - OKAY. 184 00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:07,744 - UNFORTUNATELY, THE CAGE AT THE STATION IS EMPTY, SO... 185 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,098 I DON'T HAVE A GUN. 186 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:13,437 WHAT I DO HAVE... IS THIS. 187 00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:14,884 - WHOA. 188 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,038 WHAT IS THAT? 189 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,406 - [laughing] I'LL NEED TO DUST YOUR VAGINA FOR PRINTS. 190 00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,406 - OKAY, ENOUGH. WE'RE NOT DOING THIS. 191 00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,748 - NO! DON'T, DON'T-- 192 00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:22,782 LET ME TRY AGAIN. 193 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,446 - NO, JEFF. IT'S NOT WORKING. 194 00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,185 YOU'RE LAUGHING AND I FEEL STUPID NOW. 195 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,159 - YOU FEEL STUPID? 196 00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,658 I'M WEARING MY DEAD PARTNER'S HOLSTER. 197 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:31,890 - I KNEW THAT YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS RIDICULOUS. 198 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,655 YOU CAN JUST FORGET IT, OKAY? 199 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:35,964 AND CAN WE PLEASE NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN. 200 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,696 - BRIDGET, DON'T. IT'S NOT WEIRD. 201 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:41,101 I DON'T THINK IT'S-- EVERYBODY HAS A THING. 202 00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:42,104 - YOU DON'T. 203 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:45,765 - YES, I DO. OF COURSE I DO. 204 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,436 - WELL, WHAT IS IT? 205 00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:52,075 - TRUST ME, YOU DON'T-- YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW. 206 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:55,752 - PLEASE TELL ME. 207 00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:59,793 - ALL RIGHT. 208 00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,190 I HAVE A FOOT FETISH. 209 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,221 - YOU DO? 210 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,756 - YEAH, TOTALLY. 211 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:08,102 SO YOU SEE? IT'S NOT WEIRD AT ALL. 212 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:14,974 - HE LIKES FEET. 213 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,242 MY BOYFRIEND LIKES FEET. 214 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,070 - THAT'S TOTALLY BIZARRE. 215 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,236 - NO. NO, IT ISN'T. 216 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,143 - I'M DOING SOME RESEARCH. CHECK IT. 217 00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,935 IT'S CALLED A DIRTY LOAFER. 218 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,007 IT'S A SUBSET OF PODOPHILIA. 219 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,246 OH, GOD. 220 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,020 YOU DON'T WANT TO TYPE THAT INTO THE SEARCH ENGINE WRONG. 221 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,020 OOH, CARE TO SEE SOME VIDEOS OF WOMEN STEPPING IN THE MUD 222 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,552 THEN HITTING THE ACCELERATOR OF A CAR? 223 00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,957 - I DON'T THINK JEFF'S INTO THAT. 224 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,929 BUT THEN AGAIN, WHO KNOWS? 225 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,058 - SECRET LIFE. 226 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:42,162 IT'S HOW EVERY EPISODE OF DATELINE BEGINS. 227 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,695 - SO I LIED TO BRIDGET. 228 00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,601 I SHOULD HAVE SAID PORN. WHY DIDN'T I JUST SAY PORN? 229 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,273 I COULD HAVE SAID PORN. 230 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:51,070 OR A SURPRISE HANDY IN A MOVIE THEATER. 231 00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,844 - SO WAIT, WHAT EXACTLY DOES A FOOT FETISHIST DO? 232 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,514 - I HAVE NO IDEA. 233 00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:59,213 - OH, GOD. IS HE GONNA LICK MY FEET? 234 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,276 - OOH, OR RUB HIS MISTER UP AGAINST THEM? 235 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,724 - EW, IF HE SUCKS ON MY TOES AND THEN KISSES ME, 236 00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:04,991 I'M GONNA BE TOTALLY ICKED OUT. 237 00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,948 THAT'S LIKE PUTTING MY FOOT IN MY MOUTH. 238 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:07,787 - OH. [gasps] 239 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,921 TOE-SUCKING IS CALLED "SHRIMPING." 240 00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,827 SHRIMPING, I LOVE THAT. 241 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,689 BECAUSE TOES LOOK LIKE SHRIMP. 242 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:14,997 - ENOUGH. 243 00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,298 THIS IS EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH THE INTERNET. 244 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,899 NOW I KNOW WHAT "SHRIMPING" MEANS. 245 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:22,572 BUT I WILL LET JEFF PEEL AND EAT MY FEET. 246 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,143 BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. 247 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:27,141 AND I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY. 248 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,844 - I'VE CHOSEN MY FATE. 249 00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,276 I HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS NOW. 250 00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:33,250 WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO? 251 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:36,250 - BECAUSE YOU'RE A LOUSY COP. AND YOU LOVE HER. 252 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,093 - BECAUSE I LOVE HER. 253 00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,818 AND THUS, I LOVE HER FEET. 254 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:43,093 I'LL DO IT. 255 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,093 [funky music] 256 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:52,196 257 00:08:56,136 --> 00:09:00,066 OH, LOOK AT THOSE FEET. 258 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:04,707 I JUST WANT TO TASTE THOSE ARCHES. 259 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,245 - YOU CAN-- YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD. 260 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,309 YOU CAN DO THAT. 261 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,917 - OH, I WILL. [sniffing] 262 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,890 OH, GOD. 263 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:14,019 THEY SMELL SO... 264 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,094 FEETY. 265 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:18,292 - HEY, WOULD IT HELP YOU IF I STEPPED IN SOMETHING? 266 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,285 'CAUSE I MADE A QUICK PUDDING. 267 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,026 - NO. NO, NO, NO. NO. 268 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:24,871 THIS IS GOOD. WHAT'S THIS? 269 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:25,998 - OH! 270 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,103 [laughing] NO, WAIT. NO, THAT TICKLES. 271 00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:28,974 THAT TICKLES. STOP, STOP. 272 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,142 - YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? 273 00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:34,710 THAT'S FOREPLAY. 274 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,382 OH, THAT'S WEIRD. - WHAT? 275 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,849 - WELL, YOUR LITTLE PINKY TOE DOESN'T ACTUALLY HAVE A NAIL. 276 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,009 - OH! 277 00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,347 YEAH, WELL, I RUN A LOT. 278 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,881 BUT I PAINT THE SKIN WHERE THE NAIL SHOULD BE, SO-- 279 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,117 - WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE? 280 00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:46,322 OH, MY GOD. IT IS SO CUTE. 281 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:49,023 LOOK AT THIS CUTE LITTLE-- NO NAIL, THOUGH. 282 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,886 - WAIT, IS IT A PROBLEM? SHOULD WE STOP? 283 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,234 - NO. NO, NO. 284 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:55,799 I LOVE YOUR LITTLE PERFECT LITTLE NAIL-LESS FEET. 285 00:09:55,829 --> 00:10:00,229 LIE DOWN. 286 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:04,167 I'M GONNA USE MY MOUTH TO DO STUFF TO THEM NOW. 287 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,344 HERE I COME. 288 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:09,083 HERE I COME TO FETISH YOUR FEET. 289 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:14,409 - OKAY. - MMM... 290 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,917 OOH... 291 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,020 [heavy breathing, sighing] 292 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,937 I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DO THIS. 293 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,099 - WHAT? - OH. 294 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,707 - WHAT'S WRONG? - I SO CAN'T DO THIS. 295 00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,009 OH, GOSH. 296 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,280 I DON'T--I DON'T HAVE A FOOT FETISH. 297 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,739 - WAIT, YOU DON'T? 298 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,747 - GOD, NO. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. 299 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,919 - JEFF, WHY DID YOU TELL ME YOU DID? 300 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:51,379 - TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. 301 00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:54,088 ABOUT YOUR WHOLE UNIFORM FETISH THING. 302 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,161 - OH, GREAT. 303 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,958 SO I AM THE ONLY ONE WITH A THING. 304 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,990 I AM WEIRD. - NO, I'M WEIRD. 305 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,256 I'M WEIRD BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A THING. 306 00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:03,303 LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE SEXY AND ADVENTUROUS. 307 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,170 AND YOU'RE FETISHY. AND WHAT AM I? 308 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,128 BRIDGET, I'M AFRAID 309 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,196 THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET BORED OF ME BECAUSE 310 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:12,435 I'M NOT RISQUE, AND I'M NOT COOL LIKE YOU. 311 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:15,142 - JEFF, THERE'S NOTHING COOL ABOUT HAVING A FETISH. 312 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,935 I'M ACTUALLY SORT OF MORTIFIED BY IT. 313 00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:18,847 - YOU SHOULDN'T BE. 314 00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,049 EVER. 315 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,410 YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY ANYTHING TO ME. 316 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,348 DON'T YOU KNOW THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD EVER SAY TO ME 317 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,153 THAT WOULD CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU? 318 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,245 - REALLY? - BABE, I MEAN IT. 319 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,217 AND I LOVE YOUR UNIFORM THING. 320 00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:30,316 IT IS HOT. 321 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,327 I MEAN, IT'S RIDICULOUS, BUT IT'S HOT. 322 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,130 AND EVERYONE ELSE THINKS SO TOO. 323 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:37,062 - EVERYONE? DID YOU TELL ELI? 324 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:38,327 - NO, I--WHY? 325 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,095 DID YOU TELL ALEXIS ABOUT THE FOOT THING? 326 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,873 - NEVER. NO. 327 00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:44,273 - ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS. 328 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,174 HOW ABOUT FROM NOW ON, WE BOTH HAVE 329 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,236 PERMISSION TO BE COMPLETELY OPEN 330 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:52,905 WITHOUT FEAR OF WHAT THE OTHER PERSON MIGHT THINK. 331 00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,146 - THAT SOUNDS REALLY NICE. 332 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:59,192 SO WAIT, ARE YOU SURE THAT THERE'S NOT ANYTHING, 333 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:04,519 LIKE, UNUSUAL THAT YOU'RE INTO? 334 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,487 - NO. NO, NOT THAT I CAN THINK OF. 335 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,527 BUT, UH...HEY. 336 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,132 WE HAVE THE REST OF OUR LIVES 337 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,334 TO TRY AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING. 338 00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:15,196 - THE REST OF OUR LIVES? 339 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,135 - YEAH. 340 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,510 PROVIDED, OF COURSE, YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT 341 00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:20,968 THAT FREAKY PINKY TOE SITUATION. 342 00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:23,108 - [laughing] 343 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,216 - WAIT, YOU HAVE A DATE? THAT IS SO EXCITING. 344 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,855 - IT'S NOT EXCITING. IT'S STRESSFUL. 345 00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,790 - STRESSFUL? IT'S NOT STRESSFUL. 346 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,426 LOOK, I MIGHT BE BIASED 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY SISTER. 347 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,930 BUT KRISTEN, YOU ARE A CATCH. 348 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,262 - OH... - OH, TOTALLY. 349 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,826 OKAY, YOU'RE SMART. YOU HAVE A GREAT ASS. 350 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,065 AND YOU OWN A HOME. 351 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,369 THAT IS ONE SEXY COMBO PLATTER YOU'RE SERVING. 352 00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,501 - UH, I'M A MOM. I'M TOO TIRED TO BE SEXY. 353 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:51,837 - YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS A MOM? 354 00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:53,042 - HUH? - HEIDI KLUM. 355 00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:54,473 - YEAH, SHE HAS HELP. FROM SEAL. 356 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,177 - I DON'T THINK HE'S MUCH HELP. 357 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:57,909 - AND BY THE WAY, THEY DON'T HAVE TEENAGERS. 358 00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,875 LAST WEEK BECKY WAS I.M.ing, AND SHE WROTE "MOS." 359 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,884 I HAD TO LOOK IT UP ONLINE. IT MEANS "MOM OVER SHOULDER." 360 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,447 SHE HATES ME. 361 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,185 - OKAY, SO WHAT'S GOING ON? PROM, BOYS? 362 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,260 - ALL I KNOW IS WHAT I OVERHEAR. 363 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:11,018 THERE'S THIS BOY NAMED IAN, AND SHE REALLY NEEDS 364 00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,288 TO TALK TO NATASHA TODAY. 365 00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:13,855 I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON. 366 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:14,904 DAMN IT! 367 00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,898 I CANNOT UNLOCK HER PHONE. 368 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:17,900 - LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT THAT. 369 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,331 I'M A LITTLE BIT OF A TECHNO GUY. 370 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:21,996 BUT I'M NOT A JEWEL THIEF. 371 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,295 WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT? 372 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:24,396 - WE GOTTA GO, I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL. 373 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:25,667 AND BY THE WAY, THERE IS NO WAY 374 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,605 THAT ANY OF YOU ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT MY PASSWORD. 375 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:28,610 - OH, WHAT IS IT? IAN? 376 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,381 - GOD, MOM, WOULD YOU JUST GET YOUR OWN LIFE 377 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,551 SO YOU CAN STAY OUT OF MINE? 378 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,509 - OH, SHE'S WORKING ON IT, ALL RIGHT? 379 00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:36,217 YOUR MOM IS GETTING BACK OUT THERE. 380 00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,249 - THAT'S RIGHT! 381 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,154 - I HAVE A DATE ON SATURDAY NIGHT. 382 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,316 - WHOO! - WHOO! 383 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,993 - GROSS. - OKAY. 384 00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:44,993 - HEY, I'LL BE BACK LATER FOR THE DRIVING LESSON. 385 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,255 AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS KID, IAN. 386 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:49,963 I GUARANTEE YOU THEY'RE NOT KISSING YET. 387 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,257 RIGHT? 388 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,328 - YOU--YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE NEEDED TO SAY THAT. 389 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,166 - YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY. 390 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,342 I HAVE A SITUATION DOWN THERE. 391 00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:01,241 - ARE YOU USING THE MAGNIFYING SIDE OF THE MIRROR? 392 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:02,944 - YES, AND, UH, BY THE WAY. 393 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,176 IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT MY DOWNSTAIRS IN HD. 394 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,581 - DID YOU CATCH AN STD FROM IAN? 395 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,112 - I DON'T KNOW. 396 00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,417 WE ONLY SLEPT TOGETHER THAT ONE NIGHT AT YOUR PARTY. 397 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,918 - YOU HAD SEX IN MY HOUSE? 398 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,250 - NO, IN MY CAR. 399 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,224 - OH, THAT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO. 400 00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:14,293 HOW MANY OTHER GUYS HAVE YOU BEEN WITH? 401 00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,921 - WE'RE FRIENDS, YOU CAN TELL US. 402 00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,056 - NONE. 403 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,561 OH, MY GOD. 404 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,432 - MARGARET, YOU CAN'T EAT YOUR LUNCH IN HERE TODAY. 405 00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,161 SORRY. - BUT I NEED THE BATHROOM. 406 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,496 - OOH, THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. 407 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,402 - DIDN'T IAN WEAR A CONDOM? 408 00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,904 - YEAH, BUT STUFF TOUCHED. 409 00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:32,367 IT TOUCHED--I DON'T KNOW. 410 00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:33,405 YOU GUYS, WHAT IF I HAVE SOMETHING? 411 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,410 WHAT DO I DO? 412 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:35,441 - WE NEED A PLAN. 413 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,235 UH, LET'S CALL THE POLICE. 414 00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:38,907 - HMM? - TO ARREST IAN. 415 00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:40,506 HE PROBABLY GAVE IT TO YOU, WHATEVER IT IS. 416 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:41,917 - YEAH, WE SHOULD ARREST HIM. 417 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,049 - I JUST SAID THAT, CARA. 418 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,153 - SORRY. 419 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,194 MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO IAN ABOUT IT. 420 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,188 - OH, YEAH. 421 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,349 JUST WALK UP AND BE, LIKE, 422 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,387 "HEY, I KNOW WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN A WEEK, 423 00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,291 BUT CAN I SPOT CHECK YOUR WANG FOR BAD STUFF?" 424 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,333 - UH, WELL THIS IS IMPORTANT. WHAT IF YOU HAVE SYPHILIS? 425 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:53,929 - HMM. 426 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,701 YOUR EYEBROWS DO LOOK THINNER. 427 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,428 - WHY DOES HAPPINESS 428 00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,204 GET TORN APART 429 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,232 AND WHY DOES SADNESS [bell rings] 430 00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:02,598 FEEL SO BLUE 431 00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,235 - MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL NURSE SUE. 432 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,541 - YEAH, SO SHE CAN GIVE MY VAGINA A HEARING TEST. 433 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,713 - MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL YOUR MOM. 434 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,540 - OH, YO. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 435 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:10,706 NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. 436 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,183 MY MOM IS SO NOT COOL. 437 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,982 SHE WOULD HOMESCHOOL ME. MY LIFE WOULD BE OVER. 438 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,054 - I WOULD TELL MY MOM. 439 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,282 SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND AND WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT SEX. 440 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,247 SHE LIKES DOING IT TO RAP MUSIC. 441 00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:20,446 - MY MOM LIKES-- - NOT NOW, CARA. 442 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,017 - OKAY, GUYS. 443 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,255 NO MOM'S ARE GOING TO KNOW ABOUT THIS, ALL RIGHT? 444 00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:24,720 THEY'LL JUST FREAK AND HAVE SOME BIG MOM MEETING ABOUT IT. 445 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:25,557 - THEY'LL BAN SEX AND DANCING. 446 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:26,992 - OH, TO THE RIGHT, TO THE RIGHT. 447 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,627 - AT LEAST TALK TO IAN. 448 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:32,401 ASK IF HE'S HAVING AN OUTBREAK OR WHATEVER. 449 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,371 - HEY, IAN. 450 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,742 - HEY, BECKY. 451 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,539 - CAN WE TALK? LIKE, IN PRIVATE? 452 00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:40,271 IT'S ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT. YOU KNOW, WHEN-- 453 00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:41,567 - OH, YEAH. - YEAH. 454 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:44,108 - YEAH. I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH YOU. 455 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,214 - YEAH. - BUT I'M BACK WITH JESSICA. 456 00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:48,615 - YOU ARE? - YEAH. 457 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,448 SORRY. BUT I HAD FUN, BECK. 458 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,254 THANKS. 459 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,956 SEE YOU AROUND. 460 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,590 - WHAT DID HE SAY? 461 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,185 - HE'S BACK WITH JESSICA. 462 00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:01,187 - EW. - WHAT? 463 00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,498 - THAT A-HOLE. 464 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:05,669 OH, LET'S START A RUMOR THAT IAN'S JUNK IS TINY. 465 00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:08,438 AND THAT HE'S GOT A FUNNY VOICE FOR IT. 466 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,268 - GUYS, DO YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT IAN? 467 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,514 IT WAS JUST SEX. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. 468 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,140 - HEY, BABE. 469 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,305 BECKY, I HEARD ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. 470 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,784 - NATASHA! 471 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,211 - AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, MY COUSIN HAD HERPES. 472 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:21,377 IT'S NO BIG DEAL. 473 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,054 I MEAN, YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS OR ANYTHING. 474 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,793 AND I THINK YOU HAVE TO DRINK THROUGH A STRAW. 475 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,448 - OKAY. 476 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:31,717 - YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE, YOU BLEW IT 477 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:35,028 - NOW BEFORE WE CAN HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT SEX, 478 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:37,362 I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS RELEASE FORM. 479 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,497 NO WAY I'M GOING THROUGH ANOTHER LAWSUIT. 480 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,609 NOW... 481 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,081 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO RAP ABOUT? 482 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:53,081 ARE YOU SEXUALLY ACTIVE, BECKY? 483 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:55,183 - YUP. 484 00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:57,045 - DO YOU WANT TO PLAY SOME BIRTH CONTROL BINGO? 485 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,594 OR A HAND OF LOVE THE GLOVE? 486 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,419 - UH, NO. THANK YOU. 487 00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,724 - WE COULD PLAY FOR REAL MONEY. 488 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:06,555 - UM, I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE PROBLEM. 489 00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:07,763 - SO YOU'RE PREGNANT? 490 00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:11,464 I HAVE PAMPHLETS ON ABORTION, ADOPTION, 491 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:12,698 AND BEING A TEEN MOTHER. 492 00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,502 I, OF COURSE, HAVE NO PERSONAL VIEWS 493 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,144 ON THE SUBJECT. 494 00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:18,539 SAYS SO RIGHT HERE IN THE RELEASE FORM, OKAY? 495 00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:20,271 - UH, ACTUALLY, NOT PREGNANT. 496 00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:21,467 I... 497 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,238 IT'S SOMETHING ELSE. 498 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,746 - OH. - [quietly] YEAH. 499 00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:28,378 - ANYTHING OTHER THAN PREGNANCY 500 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:30,315 IS OUTSIDE OF MY JURISDICTION. 501 00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:32,350 SECTION FOUR. 502 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,385 BUT I CAN REFER YOU TO A FREE CLINIC. 503 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,591 YOU'LL JUST NEED $80. 504 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,630 I CAN'T HAND IT TO YOU. 505 00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:48,238 YOU'LL HAVE TO PICK IT UP YOURSELF. 506 00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:49,498 HMM? 507 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,341 - OKAY, I THINK WE'RE CLOSE TO A DIAGNOSIS. 508 00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,247 YOU PROBABLY HAVE ONE OF THREE THINGS. 509 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:02,179 HPV, AIDS, OR... 510 00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:04,515 SKIN CANCER. WAS IT OUT IN THE SUN? 511 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:08,391 - OKAY, SO LET'S SAY I DO HAVE ONE OF THOSE THREE THINGS. 512 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,321 DOES THAT MEAN THAT I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE SEX AGAIN? 513 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,327 DOES THAT MEAN I'M GONNA BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? 514 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:13,159 OH, MY GOD. 515 00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:14,263 I'M GONNA DIE ALONE LIKE MY MOTHER. 516 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,834 - BECK, YOU'RE MY SECOND BEST FRIEND, AND I LOVE YOU. 517 00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,233 YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT. 518 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:19,395 - I LOVE YOU TOO. 519 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,202 - DO YOU EVER HAVE AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT? 520 00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,874 - I THINK I NEED TO GET TO THAT CLINIC. 521 00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:25,772 - YOU BETTER HURRY. IT CLOSES AT 7:00. 522 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,235 - [laughing] 523 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,675 HEY, MY LITTLE PONIES. WHAT'S HAPPENIN'? 524 00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,279 - WHY ARE YOU STOPPING? 525 00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:32,251 FASTER, FASTER. 526 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:34,309 - HI, GUYS. HI HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 527 00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,377 - NOTHING, DO YOU HAVE TO KNOW 528 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:36,215 EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT MY LIFE? 529 00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:37,249 GOD. 530 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:38,324 - SEE THAT RIGHT THERE? - YEAH. 531 00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:39,521 - WORTH THE CUSTODY BATTLE. 532 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,852 - [laughing] ALL RIGHT. 533 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,317 ENOUGH WITH THE LITTLE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC 534 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,885 YOU GUYS ARE DOING-- COME ON! 535 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,293 UNCLE JUDD'S GONNA TAKE YOU ON THE ROAD. LET'S GO! 536 00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:47,485 - GOOD LUCK, BECKY. 537 00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:50,757 - WOW, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY CLOSE. 538 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,408 - WHAT IS THAT? 539 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,410 - WHAT? [groans] 540 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:05,182 YOU MEAN WHO! THAT'S ALFRED. 541 00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:06,582 ALFRED'S YOUR SAFETY DUMMY. 542 00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:07,813 ALFRED, BECKY. BECKY, ALFRED. 543 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:09,517 [laughing] 544 00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:11,949 ALFRED IS GONNA RIDE SHOTGUN WITH YOU 545 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,524 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING ALONE AT NIGHT. 546 00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:15,924 I PUT HIM IN A TRACK SUIT 547 00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,385 SO HE LOOKS LIKE A MAFIA HIT MAN. 548 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:20,334 OH, TRUST ME. HE'S GONNA COME IN HANDY. 549 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,300 - I HATE TODAY. 550 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:25,801 - AND THERE'S A TURN HERE. 551 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,872 SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN. BRAKE. BRAKE HERE, BRAKE! 552 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,470 WATCH IT, WATCH IT, WATCH IT. 553 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,342 OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT YOU'RE LIKE-- 554 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,341 YOU'RE NOT FOCUSING. 555 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:33,342 WATCH THAT BIKER. WATCH HIM. 556 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,443 WATCH THAT, WATCH THAT GUY. 557 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,484 WATCH THE GUY! 558 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,678 THE BIKER! 559 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,349 - A-HOLE! - SORRY! 560 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,478 - I SAW HIM. - NO, YOU DIDN'T. 561 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,712 - YES, I DID. - NO, YOU DIDN'T. 562 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:41,947 - YES, I DID. - NO, YOU DIDN'T SEE HIM. 563 00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,251 JUST KEEP YOUR EYES--CAR! 564 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:44,283 BRAKES, BRAKES! 565 00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:45,317 - WHOA! 566 00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:46,352 - WHAT ARE YOU-- WHOA, WHOA! 567 00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,546 OKAY. OH, ALFRED. 568 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:52,533 ALFRED, PLEASE TELL ME THAT THIS CONDOM WRAPPER 569 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,289 FELL OUT OF YOUR WALLET. 570 00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,657 - OH, MY GOD. PLEASE DON'T TELL MY MOM. 571 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,955 PLEASE DON'T TELL MY MOM. 572 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,866 - WHAT AM I-- WATCH THE ROAD! 573 00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:03,268 - WHOA! OH! OH, MY GOD! 574 00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,443 - YOU OKAY? - YEAH. 575 00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:06,472 - GOOD. - NO. 576 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:07,506 - NO? 577 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,540 - I THINK I HAVE AN STD. 578 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:14,408 - WHAT? NO! NO, YOU MEAN STD. 579 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,377 WOW, STD. LIKE... 580 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,786 LIKE, TEXTING. STD. 581 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,488 UM, I'M "SO TOTALLY DOWN." 582 00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,261 - THAT IS NOT WHAT THAT MEANS. - THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT MEANS. 583 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,290 I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS. 584 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,434 THAT MEANS...OH, GOD! 585 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,859 THAT MEANS THAT YOU AND IAN HAVE KISSED, RIGHT? 586 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,364 YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY KISSED, AND YOU'VE GOTTEN TOGETHER. 587 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:31,827 AND THINGS HAVE TOUCHED. 588 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:32,904 - I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW. 589 00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:34,432 - I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! 590 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:35,437 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO. 591 00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:37,368 THE RIGHT THING. YOU SHOULD DO THE RIGHT THING. 592 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:38,674 - OKAY, I-- 593 00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:40,505 - OKAY, I'M TELLING YOU TO DO THE RIGHT THING. 594 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:41,770 YOU GUYS NEED TO GET MARRIED. - WHAT? 595 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:44,008 - YES, YOU HAVE TO MARRY HIM. THAT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. 596 00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:45,013 OR MAYBE I SHOULD KILL HIM. 597 00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:47,654 I CAN'T DO BOTH, THAT'D BE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS. 598 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,280 BECKY, I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW WHAT MY POSITION IS. 599 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:50,146 UH, HERE. 600 00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:51,682 - I THINK WE NEED TO GO TO A CLINIC. 601 00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:53,018 - OKAY, GOOD. I'M GONNA CALL YOUR MOM THEN. 602 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:54,292 - NO! - NO. 603 00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:55,891 - NO. - NO, THAT IS A BAD IDEA. 604 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,022 - MM-HMM. - BAD IDEA. 605 00:20:57,056 --> 00:21:00,526 - PLEASE, UNCLE JUDD. THE CLINIC CLOSES IN 15 MINUTES. 606 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,500 - OKAY, I'LL DRIVE. - OKAY. 607 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:12,706 - UH, SO HOW'S SCHOOL? 608 00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:14,809 - REALLY? 609 00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:16,741 - SORRY. 610 00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,006 LOOK, THIS IS MY FIRST TEENAGE GIRL CRISIS, SO I'M-- 611 00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:22,675 - IT'S OKAY. YOU'RE DOING GREAT. 612 00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:23,945 - YEAH? - YEAH. 613 00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:25,853 - OKAY, GOOD. 614 00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:28,015 GOOD, THAT IS REALLY GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU. 615 00:21:28,054 --> 00:21:29,964 'CAUSE I'M-- YOU KNOW, I'M YOUR UNCLE. 616 00:21:29,989 --> 00:21:30,919 I WANT TO BE THAT PILLAR. 617 00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:32,087 I WANT TO BE THE GUY YOU LEAN ON, YOU KNOW? 618 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,994 - UNCLE JUDD, COULD WE JUST, LIKE, NOT TALK RIGHT NOW? 619 00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:35,756 - ABSOLUTELY. 620 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,995 - BECKY WALTHAM? 621 00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:44,572 - I'LL BE RIGHT HERE. 622 00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,644 - GIRL, TAKE IT EASY 623 00:21:46,673 --> 00:21:47,773 TAKE IT SLOW 624 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:48,937 YOU'RE A HAZARD 625 00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:53,005 TO YOURSELF 626 00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:55,475 EXCESSIVE EXPOSURE TO LIFE 627 00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:56,845 MAY BE HARMFUL 628 00:21:56,883 --> 00:22:00,723 TO YOUR HEALTH 629 00:22:00,753 --> 00:22:02,563 YOU RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES 630 00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:04,659 LIKE YOU'VE GOT SOMEWHERE TO GO 631 00:22:04,691 --> 00:22:06,491 YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR THE ANSWERS 632 00:22:06,526 --> 00:22:08,696 LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW 633 00:22:08,728 --> 00:22:10,498 THE RULES ARE PRETTY SIMPLE 634 00:22:10,530 --> 00:22:12,800 EVERYTHING IS ACCIDENTAL SO JUST TAKE IT SLOW 635 00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:14,972 - EVERYTHING'S FINE. - GOOD. 636 00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:16,001 - AND LET IT GO 637 00:22:16,035 --> 00:22:18,735 LIFE IS DAILY, LIFE IS CRAZY 638 00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:20,441 LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND SCARY 639 00:22:20,473 --> 00:22:23,013 LIFE IS, LIFE IS... 640 00:22:23,042 --> 00:22:25,612 - I FEEL SO STUPID. 641 00:22:25,645 --> 00:22:26,605 - DON'T. 642 00:22:26,646 --> 00:22:28,576 THIS ENDED FINE. 643 00:22:28,615 --> 00:22:30,115 AND THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT HURT HERE WAS THAT MAILBOX. 644 00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:31,749 AND I'LL JUST-- I'LL SEND THAT GUY A CHECK. 645 00:22:31,784 --> 00:22:32,924 - NOT ABOUT THAT. 646 00:22:32,952 --> 00:22:34,392 ABOUT IAN. 647 00:22:34,421 --> 00:22:35,521 HOW COULD HE HAVE SEX WITH ME 648 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,115 AND THEN GO BACK TO STUPID JESSICA? 649 00:22:37,156 --> 00:22:39,926 - UH, BECKY, PLEASE. IAN IS A SACK. 650 00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:41,929 REALLY, THAT GUY'S A NOBODY. 651 00:22:41,961 --> 00:22:44,931 - I KNOW, I KNOW. 652 00:22:44,964 --> 00:22:47,504 THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? 653 00:22:47,534 --> 00:22:49,144 - BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN HIM. 654 00:22:49,168 --> 00:22:50,738 YET. BUT YOU WILL. 655 00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:52,000 TRUST ME. 656 00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:53,968 ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA LOOK BACK ON THIS AND YOU'RE GONNA THINK, 657 00:22:54,006 --> 00:22:57,476 "WHY DID I EVEN CARE ABOUT HIM?" 658 00:22:57,510 --> 00:22:59,550 BECKY, LOOK. EVERYBODY'S BEEN THROUGH THIS. 659 00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:01,009 REALLY. EVEN YOUR MOM. 660 00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:02,847 - HEH, YEAH. RIGHT. 661 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:06,922 - OH! ASK YOUR MOM ABOUT BOBBY HOLT. 662 00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:09,193 - MY MOM HAD SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL? 663 00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:12,531 - THAT'S NOT THE POINT. 664 00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:14,989 WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT, UH... 665 00:23:15,027 --> 00:23:16,857 UM...YOU DON'T... 666 00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:18,566 LOOK, YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MOM, 667 00:23:18,598 --> 00:23:20,628 BUT SHE GETS THIS STUFF A LOT MORE THAN YOU THINK. 668 00:23:20,667 --> 00:23:22,537 - LIFE IS WHAT IT IS 669 00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:23,839 AND IN THE END 670 00:23:23,870 --> 00:23:26,610 ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRY 671 00:23:26,639 --> 00:23:31,639 TO DO WHAT YOU GOTTA TO GET BY 672 00:23:31,678 --> 00:23:34,208 AND STAY ALIVE 673 00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:35,916 - WHY WEREN'T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE? 674 00:23:35,948 --> 00:23:37,478 - MOM-- 675 00:23:37,517 --> 00:23:38,847 - WELL, I KNOW, I KNOW. "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" 676 00:23:38,885 --> 00:23:40,545 "DON'T ASK QUESTIONS." 677 00:23:40,587 --> 00:23:41,647 "DO MY LAUNDRY, I NEED MONEY FOR JEANS." 678 00:23:41,688 --> 00:23:45,658 - WHAT HAPPENED WITH BOBBY HOLT? 679 00:23:45,692 --> 00:23:46,962 - BOBBY HOLT? 680 00:23:46,993 --> 00:23:47,793 - UH, YEAH. 681 00:23:47,827 --> 00:23:50,757 THAT, UH, THAT CAME UP ORGANICALLY. 682 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:58,000 - OH, SWEETIE. 683 00:23:58,037 --> 00:24:01,507 - GOOD NIGHT. - GOOD NIGHT. 684 00:24:07,914 --> 00:24:11,124 - SHE'S ALL YOURS, ALFRED. TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER. 685 00:24:20,527 --> 00:24:22,957 [jazzy music] 686 00:24:22,995 --> 00:24:25,195 - IT'S EASY WHEN IT HURTS... 687 00:24:25,231 --> 00:24:27,571 - AND ACTUALLY WHAT'S FUNNY IS THAT 688 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,000 THE STOVEPIPE HAT ORIGINATED IN ENGLAND. 689 00:24:31,037 --> 00:24:31,797 - MM-HMM. 690 00:24:31,838 --> 00:24:33,708 - IT'S CREDITED TO GEORGE DUNNAGE. 691 00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:36,180 17...I THINK 93. 692 00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:37,208 - OH. 693 00:24:37,243 --> 00:24:38,243 - 1794. 694 00:24:38,277 --> 00:24:40,047 NO, IT WAS '93. - MM-HMM. 695 00:24:40,079 --> 00:24:42,779 - WHY WAS I TALKING--OH! MADDY'S BOOK REPORT. 696 00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:44,645 BOY, THE GIRLS HAVE A LOT OF HOMEWORK. 697 00:24:44,684 --> 00:24:46,224 DON'T THEY? - OH, SO MUCH. 698 00:24:46,252 --> 00:24:48,622 YEAH, EMMA GETS REALLY STRESSED ABOUT IT. 699 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:49,655 - TELL ME ABOUT IT. 700 00:24:49,689 --> 00:24:50,689 MADDY THE OTHER DAY ASKED ME TO 701 00:24:50,723 --> 00:24:52,793 PUT ON A POT OF COFFEE FOR HER. 702 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:53,885 I'M JUST KIDDING. 703 00:24:53,926 --> 00:24:55,056 SHE DIDN'T LITERALLY ASK. 704 00:24:55,094 --> 00:24:57,004 - NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO. 705 00:24:57,029 --> 00:24:59,899 - SO THIS IS NICE. THIS IS NICE. 706 00:24:59,932 --> 00:25:01,202 YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET OUT MUCH. 707 00:25:01,233 --> 00:25:03,843 SINCE, UH, YOU KNOW, THE EX-WIFE LEFT. 708 00:25:03,870 --> 00:25:05,940 PLUS I'M NEW IN TOWN, SO... 709 00:25:05,972 --> 00:25:07,042 I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY WIFE. - SEVERAL TIMES. 710 00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:08,813 - I DID. - YUP. 711 00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:10,281 - IT'S NOT LIKE I MISS HER OR ANYTHING. 712 00:25:10,309 --> 00:25:11,539 SHE WAS AWFUL. 713 00:25:11,578 --> 00:25:12,708 WHAT AM I DOING? 714 00:25:12,745 --> 00:25:14,305 TALK ABOUT YOU. 715 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:16,946 YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYELASHES. 716 00:25:16,983 --> 00:25:19,023 ARE THEY REAL? 717 00:25:19,051 --> 00:25:20,791 - YES. 718 00:25:20,820 --> 00:25:22,660 MY EYELASHES ARE REAL. 719 00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:26,059 - I'M ASKING BECAUSE HEATHER HAD THESE LASH EXTENSION THINGS. 720 00:25:26,092 --> 00:25:28,192 COULDN'T SLEEP ON YOUR FACE. 721 00:25:28,227 --> 00:25:31,627 COULDN'T RUB YOUR EYES. A LOT OF RULES WITH THAT ONE. 722 00:25:31,664 --> 00:25:32,934 - OH. - OH, YEAH. 723 00:25:32,965 --> 00:25:36,295 - YEAH. 724 00:25:36,335 --> 00:25:38,295 - SHOULD WE JUST, UH, GET THE CHECK? 725 00:25:38,337 --> 00:25:40,807 - OH. 726 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,270 YEAH. 727 00:25:42,308 --> 00:25:44,938 - SO HOW DID IT GO WITH MRS. GOOD RACK? 728 00:25:44,977 --> 00:25:47,007 - ONE, THAT'S NOT HER NAME. 729 00:25:47,046 --> 00:25:48,846 AND TWO, IT WENT VERY WELL, THANK YOU. 730 00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:50,021 HI. WE NEED JACKSON HERE. 731 00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:51,949 - OKAY, JACKSON. YOU'RE UP, BUDDY. 732 00:25:51,984 --> 00:25:54,324 JACKSON IS ON THE MOVE. 733 00:25:54,353 --> 00:25:56,363 SO IT WENT WELL? HOW HARD DID YOU NAIL HER? 734 00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:57,588 HOW MANY TIMES? 735 00:25:57,624 --> 00:25:59,034 DID YOU HIT THAT SWEET SPOT? 736 00:25:59,058 --> 00:26:01,728 - NO, I WISH. THERE WAS NO NAILING, OKAY? 737 00:26:01,761 --> 00:26:04,731 BUT IT WAS A VERY CIVILIZED FIRST DATE. 738 00:26:04,764 --> 00:26:06,974 HEY, NO CELL PHONES IN THE CAR LINE, OKAY? 739 00:26:06,999 --> 00:26:08,999 YEAH, WE GOT KIDS RUNNING AROUND. 740 00:26:09,035 --> 00:26:10,965 THERE YOU GO, DUMMY. WE NEED DAISY. 741 00:26:11,003 --> 00:26:13,043 - OKAY, LET'S SEND UP DAISY. 742 00:26:13,072 --> 00:26:14,872 THAT KRISTEN'S GOT A NICE BUTT. 743 00:26:14,907 --> 00:26:17,107 IT'S NOT LIKE A SKINNY YOGA BUTT. 744 00:26:17,143 --> 00:26:19,653 IT'S GOT A NICE, '80s PLAYBOY FEEL TO IT. 745 00:26:19,679 --> 00:26:21,279 - IT'S LIKE A SMOOTH HILLSIDE. 746 00:26:21,313 --> 00:26:23,223 I WANT TO BUILT A CABIN ON IT AND LIVE THERE. 747 00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:25,349 ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. 748 00:26:25,384 --> 00:26:26,994 - HEY, MAN, HOW'S IT GOING? 749 00:26:27,019 --> 00:26:28,149 - THIRD GRADE'S ALL CLEANED UP. 750 00:26:28,187 --> 00:26:30,917 FOURTH GRADE IS YOURS, BUD. 751 00:26:30,957 --> 00:26:36,027 HEY! THERE YOU ARE, JELLYBEAN. 752 00:26:36,062 --> 00:26:38,632 WHAT'S WRONG? 753 00:26:38,665 --> 00:26:40,795 - EVERYONE'S GOING TO THIS BIRTHDAY PARTY TOMORROW. 754 00:26:40,833 --> 00:26:42,173 - OH, WELL, THAT'S OKAY. YOU CAN GO. 755 00:26:42,201 --> 00:26:43,201 WHOSE IS IT? 756 00:26:43,235 --> 00:26:44,295 - EMMA WALTHAM. 757 00:26:44,336 --> 00:26:46,136 BUT I WASN'T INVITED. 758 00:26:46,172 --> 00:26:48,242 I WAS THE ONLY ONE. 759 00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:49,944 - EMMA. 760 00:26:49,976 --> 00:26:51,176 IS THAT MRS. GOOD RACK'S DAUGHTER? 761 00:26:51,210 --> 00:26:52,850 - WHO'S MRS. GOOD RACK? 762 00:26:52,879 --> 00:26:55,819 - MRS. WALTHAM? 763 00:26:59,085 --> 00:27:02,045 [doorbell rings] 764 00:27:02,088 --> 00:27:03,288 - OH. - OH. 765 00:27:03,322 --> 00:27:04,262 - HI. 766 00:27:04,290 --> 00:27:05,790 WOW, KRISTEN. YOU LOOK, UH, YOU LOOK NICE. 767 00:27:05,825 --> 00:27:07,885 - OH, UH, BRIAN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 768 00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:09,427 - WELL, I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR PARTY. 769 00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:11,261 I JUST--I DON'T THINK I WOULD BE A GOOD PARENT 770 00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:13,197 IF I DIDN'T COME BY AND TELL YOU THAT, UH-- 771 00:27:13,232 --> 00:27:15,772 WELL, I WANT TO KNOW WHY MADDY WASN'T INVITED. 772 00:27:15,802 --> 00:27:17,342 SHE'S VERY UPSET, AND I THINK 773 00:27:17,369 --> 00:27:18,869 IT WAS VERY MEAN TO EXCLUDE HER. 774 00:27:18,905 --> 00:27:21,965 - OH, I AM SO SORRY. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE. 775 00:27:22,008 --> 00:27:23,708 YOU KNOW, MADDY'S NEW IN CLASS. 776 00:27:23,743 --> 00:27:25,283 AND I PROBABLY HAVE AN OLD CONTACT LIST. 777 00:27:25,311 --> 00:27:26,351 - WELL, YOU'RE THE CLASS MOTHER. 778 00:27:26,378 --> 00:27:28,008 DON'T YOU MAKE THE LISTS? 779 00:27:28,047 --> 00:27:29,917 - MOM! MOM, I NEED YOU. 780 00:27:29,949 --> 00:27:31,779 - UM... 781 00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:33,088 - IS THIS ABOUT ME? 782 00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:35,389 WAIT, THIS ISN'T ABOUT OUR DATE, IS IT? 783 00:27:35,421 --> 00:27:37,321 - I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, SWEETIE! 784 00:27:37,356 --> 00:27:38,356 NO. 785 00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:40,460 IT IS NOTHING LIKE THAT. 786 00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:42,062 THIS WAS JUST AN HONEST MISTAKE. 787 00:27:42,094 --> 00:27:43,264 I AM SO SORRY. 788 00:27:43,295 --> 00:27:44,755 WELL, HEY. 789 00:27:44,797 --> 00:27:46,067 WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A GOODY BAG HOME FOR MADDY? 790 00:27:46,098 --> 00:27:48,068 - OH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S OKAY. - NO, NO, I INSIST. 791 00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:50,470 EMMA, GRAB A GOODY BAG AND COME TO THE FRONT DOOR. 792 00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:52,002 - WELL, IF THEY HAVE JELLY BEANS. 793 00:27:52,038 --> 00:27:53,038 YOU KNOW, THOSE ARE MADDY'S FAVORITES, SO I-- 794 00:27:53,072 --> 00:27:55,072 - OH, I--YOU KNOW, NO GUARANTEES. 795 00:27:55,107 --> 00:27:56,307 HEY! - HI. 796 00:27:56,342 --> 00:27:58,142 - YOU REMEMBER MR. BARSTOW, MADDY'S DAD. 797 00:27:58,177 --> 00:27:59,147 - HI. 798 00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:01,048 - MY MOM SAYS YOU'RE CREEPY. 799 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,410 I'M NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY AT YOUR HOUSE. 800 00:28:02,448 --> 00:28:03,918 - THANK YOU. KIDS! 801 00:28:03,950 --> 00:28:05,380 I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW. 802 00:28:05,417 --> 00:28:07,247 THAT WAS--WHERE DO THEY GET THIS STUFF? 803 00:28:07,286 --> 00:28:08,386 I DON'T KNOW. 804 00:28:08,420 --> 00:28:09,920 [glass breaking] - MOM! 805 00:28:09,956 --> 00:28:11,956 - OH, SHOOT. I GOTTA GO. 806 00:28:18,865 --> 00:28:19,925 - CREEPY. 807 00:28:19,966 --> 00:28:20,966 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY KRISTEN WOULD CALL ME THAT. 808 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:21,900 AM I CREEPY? 809 00:28:21,934 --> 00:28:24,744 - UH, DEPENDS ON HOW THE LIGHT HITS YOU. 810 00:28:24,771 --> 00:28:25,841 AND WHEN I SAW YOU TALK TO KRISTEN, 811 00:28:25,872 --> 00:28:26,972 YOU DIDN'T BLINK THE WHOLE TIME. 812 00:28:27,006 --> 00:28:28,136 - WELL, OKAY. 813 00:28:28,174 --> 00:28:29,814 I GUESS I'VE BLOWN MY CHANCES WITH YOU. 814 00:28:29,842 --> 00:28:31,882 - SO WHAT HAPPENED ON THE DATE? 815 00:28:31,911 --> 00:28:33,311 - NOTHING. I MEAN, IT WAS NICE. 816 00:28:33,345 --> 00:28:34,375 WE HAD A GOOD TIME. - THEN DON'T SWEAT IT. 817 00:28:34,413 --> 00:28:36,753 IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM MY DARLING STEPHANIE, 818 00:28:36,783 --> 00:28:37,783 KIDS ARE A-HOLES. 819 00:28:37,817 --> 00:28:39,047 THEY LIE. 820 00:28:39,085 --> 00:28:40,785 - IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE I FOLLOWED HER HOME. 821 00:28:40,820 --> 00:28:43,120 - YOU WHAT? 822 00:28:43,155 --> 00:28:44,455 [car horn honking] 823 00:28:44,490 --> 00:28:45,890 - OH! 824 00:28:45,925 --> 00:28:47,525 - HEY, KRISTEN. - OH, MY GOD! 825 00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:48,829 BRIAN? - YEAH. 826 00:28:48,861 --> 00:28:51,131 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 827 00:28:51,163 --> 00:28:53,133 - OH, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT HOME SAFE. 828 00:28:53,165 --> 00:28:55,835 - YOU FOLLOWED ME HOME? 829 00:28:55,868 --> 00:28:56,998 - YEAH, I DID. 830 00:28:57,036 --> 00:28:59,406 GOOD THING TOO. YOU GOT A TAILLIGHT OUT. 831 00:28:59,438 --> 00:29:00,868 DRIVING AROUND, BREAKING THE LAW. 832 00:29:00,907 --> 00:29:02,237 NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY LADY. 833 00:29:02,274 --> 00:29:03,244 BUT IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY. 834 00:29:03,275 --> 00:29:05,405 UH, I OWN A BODY SHOP. YOU WANT TO BRING IT BY? 835 00:29:05,444 --> 00:29:06,554 I'LL TAKE A LOOK. 836 00:29:06,578 --> 00:29:07,508 - OH, YEAH--UH, WELL-- 837 00:29:07,546 --> 00:29:08,946 THANK--MAYBE, YEAH. 838 00:29:08,981 --> 00:29:10,881 - IT'S A GOOD BUSINESS. 839 00:29:10,917 --> 00:29:13,447 I'M A GOOD PROVIDER, SO... 840 00:29:13,485 --> 00:29:16,015 HEY, BY THE WAY. I'M LOST. 841 00:29:16,055 --> 00:29:19,185 HOW DO I GET BACK TO RESEDA BOULEVARD? 842 00:29:19,225 --> 00:29:20,225 - WHOA. 843 00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:21,789 THAT'S--THAT'S CREEPY. 844 00:29:21,828 --> 00:29:23,228 - OH, I WAS TRYING TO BE CHIVALROUS, ALL RIGHT? 845 00:29:23,262 --> 00:29:25,872 MY EX-WIFE, SHE ALWAYS THOUGHT 846 00:29:25,898 --> 00:29:27,028 SHE WAS GOING TO GET CARJACKED, SO... 847 00:29:27,066 --> 00:29:28,496 - BUT YOU JUST MET THIS WOMAN. 848 00:29:28,534 --> 00:29:30,344 YOU CAN'T TAIL HER AFTER A FIRST DATE 849 00:29:30,369 --> 00:29:31,539 LIKE SOME DERANGED STALKER. 850 00:29:31,570 --> 00:29:33,570 THAT'S FOURTH, FIFTH DATE STUFF. 851 00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:36,375 - SO HER DAUGHTER CAN'T PLAY WITH MADDY BECAUSE OF THAT? 852 00:29:36,408 --> 00:29:40,108 - I DON'T KNOW. SEEMS A LITTLE EXTREME. 853 00:29:40,146 --> 00:29:42,346 DUDE, WHAT ARE THESE? 854 00:29:42,381 --> 00:29:43,951 - OH, THOSE ARE SOME COOKIES I BAKED FOR THE CLASS MEETING. 855 00:29:43,983 --> 00:29:45,923 SAVED A COUPLE FOR MADDY AND I. HELP YOURSELF. 856 00:29:45,952 --> 00:29:48,862 - DUDE, SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THESE COOKIES? 857 00:29:48,888 --> 00:29:50,558 - NO, THEY'RE ROCKETS. 858 00:29:50,589 --> 00:29:51,519 MADDY SAID THEY'RE STUDYING SPACE. 859 00:29:51,557 --> 00:29:52,557 - REALLY. - YEAH. 860 00:29:52,591 --> 00:29:54,891 - ROCKETS? WHAT ARE THESE? 861 00:29:54,927 --> 00:29:57,197 - THOSE ARE BOOSTER ENGINES. 862 00:29:57,229 --> 00:29:58,559 - NO, DUDE. THEY'RE BALLS. 863 00:29:58,597 --> 00:30:00,827 THESE COOKIES ARE SHAPED LIKE PENISES. 864 00:30:00,867 --> 00:30:02,197 - WHAT? NO, THEY'RE NOT. 865 00:30:02,234 --> 00:30:03,604 THEY'RE-- OH, WAIT. 866 00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:05,565 I SEE. OH, NO. 867 00:30:05,604 --> 00:30:06,914 - WHY WOULD YOU BAKE PENIS COOKIES? 868 00:30:06,939 --> 00:30:08,369 - NO, I DIDN'T! I BAKED ROCKETS. 869 00:30:08,407 --> 00:30:09,407 SEE? 870 00:30:09,441 --> 00:30:10,581 [imitates rocket] 871 00:30:10,609 --> 00:30:12,579 - NO, NO. SIDEWAYS PENIS. 872 00:30:12,611 --> 00:30:13,881 - WELL, THEN-- - NOW IT'S ERECT. 873 00:30:13,913 --> 00:30:15,513 SO WHO EXACTLY DID YOU SERVE THESE TO? 874 00:30:15,547 --> 00:30:16,577 - ALL THE MOTHERS AT THE MEETING. 875 00:30:16,615 --> 00:30:17,515 - AND HOW'D THAT GO OVER? 876 00:30:17,549 --> 00:30:19,849 - REALLY WELL. THEY WERE HUDDLED AROUND. 877 00:30:19,886 --> 00:30:21,346 AND THEY WERE WHISPERING. 878 00:30:21,387 --> 00:30:23,517 NOT EATING THEM. 879 00:30:23,555 --> 00:30:25,955 - OH, MAN. YOU ARE THAT CREEPY DAD. 880 00:30:42,574 --> 00:30:45,614 - SWITCH ME ON 881 00:30:45,644 --> 00:30:49,284 TURN ME UP 882 00:30:49,315 --> 00:30:51,245 I WANT TO TOUCH YOU 883 00:30:51,283 --> 00:30:52,253 YOU'RE JUST MADE FOR LOVE 884 00:30:52,284 --> 00:30:54,454 - DEAR KRISTEN. 885 00:30:54,486 --> 00:30:57,386 IT'S 4:00 A.M., AND I'M AT SEA. 886 00:30:57,423 --> 00:31:00,593 BEEN UP ALL NIGHT THINKING ABOUT YOU. 887 00:31:00,626 --> 00:31:03,026 DID I MAKE A BAD IMPRESSION? 888 00:31:03,062 --> 00:31:06,472 I THINK I WAS TRYING TOO HARD. 889 00:31:06,498 --> 00:31:09,038 I'D LOVE TO HIT THE RESET BUTTON ON THIS THING. 890 00:31:15,207 --> 00:31:17,937 SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU TOMORROW NIGHT 891 00:31:17,977 --> 00:31:19,577 AT THE CLASS MEETING. 892 00:31:19,611 --> 00:31:21,911 I PROMISE NOT TO BAKE ANYTHING PHALLIC, 893 00:31:21,948 --> 00:31:25,648 EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A KILLER RECIPE FOR LIGHTSABER COOKIES. 894 00:31:25,684 --> 00:31:27,654 LOL. 895 00:31:27,686 --> 00:31:29,616 IS THAT TOO MUCH? 896 00:31:29,655 --> 00:31:31,485 NO, THAT'S REALLY FUNNY. 897 00:31:31,523 --> 00:31:34,093 FONDLY, BRIAN. 898 00:31:34,126 --> 00:31:35,656 P.S. 899 00:31:35,694 --> 00:31:37,604 IF YOU SAW ME IN A BAD LIGHT, 900 00:31:37,629 --> 00:31:39,669 HERE'S WHAT I REALLY LOOK LIKE. 901 00:31:39,698 --> 00:31:42,628 [computer chimes] 902 00:31:42,668 --> 00:31:46,638 [beeping] 903 00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:50,578 GOOD? 904 00:31:50,609 --> 00:31:53,549 YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. 905 00:31:53,579 --> 00:31:55,549 - OKAY. OKAY, COME ON. 906 00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:58,221 LET'S HURRY. WE'RE GONNA BE LATE. 907 00:32:08,594 --> 00:32:10,234 WHAT THE--? 908 00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:15,402 [school bell rings] 909 00:32:15,434 --> 00:32:17,044 - HI. 910 00:32:17,069 --> 00:32:21,409 HELLO, THERE. 911 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,680 GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES. 912 00:32:29,048 --> 00:32:30,578 HEY, THERE SHE IS. 913 00:32:30,616 --> 00:32:31,676 WHY DO YOU HAVE STINKY FACE? 914 00:32:31,717 --> 00:32:34,147 - YOU HIT "REPLY ALL," GENIUS. 915 00:32:34,186 --> 00:32:35,316 - EXCUSE ME? 916 00:32:35,354 --> 00:32:36,664 - YOU SENT THIS WEIRD E-MAIL 917 00:32:36,688 --> 00:32:38,388 WITH YOUR PICTURE ON IT TO EMMA'S MOM, 918 00:32:38,424 --> 00:32:39,734 AND YOU HIT "REPLY ALL." 919 00:32:39,758 --> 00:32:41,628 SO IT WENT OUT TO ALL THE MOMS. 920 00:32:41,660 --> 00:32:43,430 NOW ALL THE KIDS ARE CALLING ME 921 00:32:43,462 --> 00:32:47,572 "MADDY WITH THE CREEPY DADDY." 922 00:32:47,599 --> 00:32:49,699 - WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU? 923 00:32:49,735 --> 00:32:51,595 BRIAN, THIS PICTURE IS TERRIFYING. 924 00:32:51,637 --> 00:32:52,567 YOU LOOK LIKE A SERIAL KILLER. 925 00:32:52,604 --> 00:32:53,744 IS THAT COTTAGE CHEESE? 926 00:32:53,772 --> 00:32:55,042 - I-- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. 927 00:32:55,074 --> 00:32:56,044 I COULDN'T SLEEP, IT WAS LATE. 928 00:32:56,075 --> 00:32:57,605 I TOOK A PILL. 929 00:32:57,643 --> 00:32:58,613 - "IT'S 4:00 A.M., AND I'M AT SEA." 930 00:32:58,644 --> 00:32:59,784 THAT'S SO CREEPY. 931 00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:01,711 - WHEN YOU USE THAT VOICE, IT'S CREEPY. 932 00:33:01,747 --> 00:33:03,617 BUT I MEANT IT, YOU KNOW, LIKE, "IT'S 4:00 A.M. AND I'M AT SEA." 933 00:33:03,649 --> 00:33:05,749 I WAS BEING POETIC. - HOW WOULD SHE GET THAT? 934 00:33:05,784 --> 00:33:08,124 THERE'S NO TONE IN EMAIL. 935 00:33:08,154 --> 00:33:10,264 YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST USED AN EMOTICON, LIKE A SMILEY FACE. 936 00:33:10,289 --> 00:33:12,219 - NO, I THINK THOSE THINGS ARE CREEPY, OKAY? 937 00:33:12,258 --> 00:33:13,628 - YOU SIGNED IT, "FONDLING BRIAN." 938 00:33:13,659 --> 00:33:15,059 ARE YOU A TOTAL FREAK? 939 00:33:15,094 --> 00:33:17,434 - NO, I DIDN'T. I SIGNED IT, "FONDLY, BRIAN." 940 00:33:17,463 --> 00:33:18,603 - IT SAYS, "FONDLING." - OH, NO, THAT'S A TYPO. 941 00:33:18,630 --> 00:33:19,730 NO, THAT'S NOT-- 942 00:33:19,765 --> 00:33:21,465 I DIDN'T-- THAT'S AUTO SPELL! 943 00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:22,530 WHAT-- DAMN YOU, AUTO SPELL! 944 00:33:22,568 --> 00:33:25,598 - AND YOU SENT IT TO THE ENTIRE MOM MAILING LIST. 945 00:33:25,637 --> 00:33:27,667 HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? 946 00:33:27,706 --> 00:33:30,706 - I-I DIDN'T KNOW. - BRIAN, THERE'S "REPLY." 947 00:33:30,742 --> 00:33:32,042 AND THEN THERE'S "REPLY ALL." 948 00:33:32,078 --> 00:33:33,578 HOW CAN YOU NOT GET THAT? 949 00:33:33,612 --> 00:33:34,712 DAD GETS THAT. 950 00:33:34,746 --> 00:33:35,746 - OKAY, SO I SCREWED UP. 951 00:33:35,781 --> 00:33:37,181 AND BY THE WAY, A LOT OF PEOPLE 952 00:33:37,216 --> 00:33:38,346 EAT COTTAGE CHEESE AS A SNACK, 953 00:33:38,384 --> 00:33:40,654 I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW. 954 00:33:40,686 --> 00:33:43,386 I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. 955 00:33:44,656 --> 00:33:46,786 - THESE WERE IN MY ROOM. ARE THEY FOR ME? 956 00:33:46,825 --> 00:33:48,255 - YES, THEY ARE. 957 00:33:48,294 --> 00:33:49,604 I KNOW YOU HAD KIND OF A ROUGH DAY. 958 00:33:49,628 --> 00:33:51,358 SO I THOUGHT I'D GET YOU A TREAT. 959 00:33:51,397 --> 00:33:52,727 - WELL, CAN I EAT THEM NOW? 960 00:33:52,764 --> 00:33:54,604 - YEAH. YEAH, YOU CAN EAT THEM 961 00:33:54,633 --> 00:33:56,743 FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER, OKAY? 962 00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:04,341 - WHAT HAPPENED? YOU RAN OUT OF PENIS COOKIES? 963 00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:05,636 - OH, NICE. 964 00:34:05,677 --> 00:34:07,847 OH, THAT CLASS MEETING IS TONIGHT; I CAN'T GO. 965 00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:10,179 - IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? 966 00:34:10,216 --> 00:34:11,676 - ALL THOSE MOMS. 967 00:34:11,717 --> 00:34:13,387 IT'LL BE LIKE A SALEM WITCH TRIAL. 968 00:34:13,419 --> 00:34:15,519 - BRIAN, GO TO THE CLASS MEETING. 969 00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,124 YOU'RE MADDY'S DAD. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE THERE. 970 00:34:17,156 --> 00:34:18,816 - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 971 00:34:18,857 --> 00:34:20,157 - YOU WERE MARRIED TO A SHREW 972 00:34:20,192 --> 00:34:21,592 WITH CRAZY EYELASHES FOR TEN YEARS. 973 00:34:21,627 --> 00:34:22,757 THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. 974 00:34:22,794 --> 00:34:24,634 BEFORE HEATHER YOU WERE CONFIDENT 975 00:34:24,663 --> 00:34:28,303 AND UNFLAPPABLE AND POPULAR. 976 00:34:28,334 --> 00:34:31,344 THIS IS JUST A PHASE. 977 00:34:31,370 --> 00:34:32,770 BUT YOU BETTER WRAP IT UP QUICKLY, BUDDY. 978 00:34:32,804 --> 00:34:34,374 'CAUSE YOU'RE FREAKING EVERYBODY OUT, OKAY? 979 00:34:34,406 --> 00:34:36,276 SO CLEAR THE AIR, 980 00:34:36,308 --> 00:34:37,608 DEFEND YOUR NAME, 981 00:34:37,643 --> 00:34:40,113 GO INTO THAT CLASS MEETING, AND KICK SOME ASS. 982 00:34:40,146 --> 00:34:41,676 - YEAH. 983 00:34:41,713 --> 00:34:43,353 I'M GONNA GO KICK SOME ASS. 984 00:34:43,382 --> 00:34:44,582 - BUT, LIKE, HARDER. 985 00:34:44,616 --> 00:34:45,816 NOT TOO HARD. 986 00:34:45,851 --> 00:34:47,651 - [laughing] OKAY. 987 00:34:50,889 --> 00:34:52,219 - OKAY. 988 00:34:52,258 --> 00:34:54,488 ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF SERVING ALMOND MILK, 989 00:34:54,526 --> 00:34:55,786 RAISE YOUR HAND. 990 00:34:55,827 --> 00:34:57,397 - UM, HI. 991 00:34:57,429 --> 00:34:59,169 UH, MY DAUGHTER CLOUD HAS A TREE NUT ALLERGY. 992 00:34:59,198 --> 00:35:00,628 ARE YOU CRAZY? 993 00:35:00,666 --> 00:35:02,126 - OKAY. 994 00:35:02,168 --> 00:35:06,238 AND ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF 1%. 995 00:35:06,272 --> 00:35:09,442 - SHE COULD DIE! 996 00:35:09,475 --> 00:35:11,475 THANK YOU. - ALL RIGHT. 997 00:35:11,510 --> 00:35:13,850 WELL, THERE'S NO MAJORITY, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE VOTED TWICE. 998 00:35:13,879 --> 00:35:16,919 SO CLASS MOVES TO SERVING BOTH. 999 00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:20,718 ANY OTHER QUESTIONS? ALL RIGHT. 1000 00:35:20,752 --> 00:35:24,222 WELL, THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WRAPS IT UP FOR THE NIGHT. 1001 00:35:24,256 --> 00:35:25,086 - GOOD NIGHT. 1002 00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:27,233 - UM, IF I COULD JUST, REALLY QUICK-- 1003 00:35:27,259 --> 00:35:28,759 WANTED TO CLEAR THE AIR. 1004 00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:30,364 UM, ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT I SENT? 1005 00:35:30,396 --> 00:35:31,556 I'M REALLY SORRY. 1006 00:35:31,597 --> 00:35:34,467 YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA BLAME IT ON THE SLEEPING PILL I TOOK. 1007 00:35:34,500 --> 00:35:36,700 THAT I TOOK...LAST...NIGHT. 1008 00:35:36,735 --> 00:35:38,465 UM... 1009 00:35:38,504 --> 00:35:39,474 SEE, I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE GIVEN YOU 1010 00:35:39,505 --> 00:35:40,765 THE WRONG IMPRESSION ABOUT ME. 1011 00:35:40,806 --> 00:35:42,706 I'M NOT CREEPY. 1012 00:35:42,741 --> 00:35:43,811 BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT? 1013 00:35:43,842 --> 00:35:45,682 IF YOU HAVE CONCERNS, CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THEM? 1014 00:35:45,711 --> 00:35:46,711 BECAUSE I AM AT A POINT IN MY LIFE 1015 00:35:46,745 --> 00:35:47,805 WHERE I AM OPEN TO SOME FEEDBACK. 1016 00:35:47,846 --> 00:35:49,516 - UH, MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR CROCS. - UGLY. 1017 00:35:49,548 --> 00:35:51,178 - OKAY. WELL, I'M NOT WEARING CROCS. 1018 00:35:51,217 --> 00:35:53,517 - MADDY'S PONYTAILS ARE NEVER EVEN. 1019 00:35:53,552 --> 00:35:55,252 - NEVER. - YOU DRESS LIKE A TERRORIST. 1020 00:35:55,287 --> 00:35:57,387 - YOU'RE A WITCH. 1021 00:35:57,423 --> 00:35:59,293 - WHY ARE YOU TAKING SLEEPING PILLS ON A WEEKNIGHT? 1022 00:35:59,325 --> 00:36:00,785 - HEY, IF THE MAN LIKES HIS SLEEPING PILLS, 1023 00:36:00,826 --> 00:36:02,656 I SAY LET HIM HAVE THEM, RIGHT? 1024 00:36:02,694 --> 00:36:03,664 I MEAN, WE'RE ALL TRYING TO MAKE IT THROUGH. 1025 00:36:03,695 --> 00:36:04,895 - WELL, YEAH. 1026 00:36:04,930 --> 00:36:06,570 BUT, YOU SEE, I DON'T TAKE SLEEPING PILLS. 1027 00:36:06,598 --> 00:36:07,768 I JUST--I JUST TOOK A PILL, YOU KNOW? 1028 00:36:07,799 --> 00:36:08,799 I COULDN'T SLEEP. I'M NOT ON DRUGS. 1029 00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:11,444 - WELL, WHAT IS THAT WHITE POWDER ON YOUR FACE? 1030 00:36:11,470 --> 00:36:13,210 IS THAT COCAINE? 1031 00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:14,539 - HEY, IF THE MAN LIKES HIS COCAINE-- 1032 00:36:14,573 --> 00:36:16,843 - NO, THAT'S NOT COCAINE. IT'S FROM A JELLY DONUT. 1033 00:36:16,875 --> 00:36:18,605 YOU KNOW, THAT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE 1034 00:36:18,644 --> 00:36:21,554 IF MY WIFE HADN'T LEFT ME. 1035 00:36:21,580 --> 00:36:22,750 WHAT I MEAN IS, IS THAT SHE WAS THE ONE 1036 00:36:22,781 --> 00:36:25,251 THAT WOULD HAVE NOTICED THAT, OR IF I HAD COFFEE BREATH, 1037 00:36:25,284 --> 00:36:27,494 OR IF MADDY'S PONYTAILS AREN'T EVEN, THANK YOU. 1038 00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:29,919 BUT SHE'S GONE, SO... 1039 00:36:29,955 --> 00:36:31,955 NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING I DID. 1040 00:36:31,990 --> 00:36:33,860 OR MAYBE I DIDN'T DO ENOUGH. I DON'T KNOW. 1041 00:36:33,892 --> 00:36:35,592 I'LL NEVER KNOW. 1042 00:36:35,627 --> 00:36:39,667 BUT I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE THINGS GOOD FOR MY KID, OKAY? 1043 00:36:39,698 --> 00:36:41,768 MAYBE I'M TRYING TOO HARD. 1044 00:36:46,972 --> 00:36:50,412 NO, LOOK. I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE ME. 1045 00:36:50,442 --> 00:36:52,812 JUST ALL I ASK IS YOU DON'T 1046 00:36:52,844 --> 00:36:56,654 PUNISH MY EIGHT-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER FOR MY MISTAKES. 1047 00:37:00,686 --> 00:37:02,516 THANK YOU. 1048 00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:04,594 WHOA! - OOH! 1049 00:37:04,623 --> 00:37:06,533 - AAAH...I'M VERY SORRY. 1050 00:37:06,558 --> 00:37:10,758 THAT WAS-- THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT. 1051 00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:12,526 THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYBODY. 1052 00:37:21,473 --> 00:37:23,583 - HEY. HOW'D IT GO? 1053 00:37:23,609 --> 00:37:25,639 - OH, NOT WELL. NO, NOT WELL. 1054 00:37:25,677 --> 00:37:26,807 I AM THE CREEPY DAD. 1055 00:37:26,845 --> 00:37:29,275 AND, UH, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. 1056 00:37:29,315 --> 00:37:30,675 - WELL, I'VE GOT SOMEONE HERE 1057 00:37:30,716 --> 00:37:32,876 THAT I THINK COULD CHEER YOU UP. 1058 00:37:32,918 --> 00:37:34,388 - HEY. 1059 00:37:34,420 --> 00:37:36,020 WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE? 1060 00:37:36,054 --> 00:37:38,624 - IT'S FILLED WITH 365 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT YOU. 1061 00:37:38,657 --> 00:37:40,527 I WROTE ONE FOR EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR. 1062 00:37:40,559 --> 00:37:41,959 - OH, MADDY. 1063 00:37:41,993 --> 00:37:44,663 COME HERE. 1064 00:37:44,696 --> 00:37:47,796 - MAYBE THE OTHER MOMS AT SCHOOL DON'T LIKE YOU. 1065 00:37:47,833 --> 00:37:50,043 BUT I DO. 1066 00:37:50,068 --> 00:37:53,668 YOU CAN TAKE ONE OUT NOW. - OKAY. 1067 00:37:53,705 --> 00:37:57,005 - "YOU LIFT ME UP HIGH TO REACH TALL THINGS." 1068 00:37:57,042 --> 00:38:00,512 - YOU DO. - I DO. 1069 00:38:00,546 --> 00:38:03,516 - NO, YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE OUT PER DAY. 1070 00:38:03,549 --> 00:38:05,479 OTHERWISE WE WON'T HAVE ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE YEAR. 1071 00:38:05,517 --> 00:38:07,387 - WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. IT'S BEEN A ROUGH ONE. 1072 00:38:07,419 --> 00:38:09,559 SO I THINK I'M GONNA NEED A FEW MORE OF THESE, OKAY? 1073 00:38:09,588 --> 00:38:10,958 - FINE. 1074 00:38:10,989 --> 00:38:14,629 - "YOU TAKE ME OUT FOR ICE CREAM." 1075 00:38:18,564 --> 00:38:20,504 - HEY, BECKY. 1076 00:38:20,532 --> 00:38:22,602 - HEY, IAN. 1077 00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:27,374 - WHO'S, UH, WHO'S THE GUY? 1078 00:38:27,406 --> 00:38:29,736 - OH, THAT'S JUST... 1079 00:38:29,775 --> 00:38:32,605 SOMEONE I'VE BEEN SEEING. 1080 00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:34,014 HE'S IN COLLEGE. 1081 00:38:34,045 --> 00:38:36,475 - OH. 1082 00:38:36,515 --> 00:38:40,345 - I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, IAN. 1083 00:38:42,788 --> 00:38:45,518 - ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE. 1084 00:38:45,557 --> 00:38:49,627 - "YOU LIKE TO SURPRISE ME." 1085 00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:53,401 [tapping on window] 1086 00:38:53,432 --> 00:38:55,632 - YOU'RE PARKED IN AN ILLEGAL SPOT. 1087 00:38:55,667 --> 00:38:56,767 - JEFF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 1088 00:38:56,802 --> 00:38:59,672 - WHO'S JEFF? MY NAME IS DOLPH. 1089 00:38:59,705 --> 00:39:01,135 - OH. 1090 00:39:01,172 --> 00:39:04,542 - AND I'M THE MEANEST METER MAID ON THIS BLOCK. 1091 00:39:10,081 --> 00:39:12,481 LISTEN, YOU MAY BE BEAUTIFUL. 1092 00:39:12,518 --> 00:39:14,588 BUT I WILL WRITE YOU A TICKET. 1093 00:39:14,620 --> 00:39:17,660 UNLESS, OF COURSE... 1094 00:39:17,689 --> 00:39:19,859 - OH! [laughs] 1095 00:39:19,891 --> 00:39:21,731 - YOU CAN PERSUADE ME OTHERWISE. 1096 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:23,500 - WAIT, HERE? 1097 00:39:23,529 --> 00:39:25,829 THERE'S PEOPLE AROUND. 1098 00:39:25,864 --> 00:39:28,704 - I THINK THIS MAY BE MY THING. 1099 00:39:33,605 --> 00:39:35,905 - [laughing] 1100 00:39:43,615 --> 00:39:47,645 - ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE. I PROMISE. 1101 00:39:47,686 --> 00:39:51,016 YOU'RE THE BEST DAD IN THE WHOLE WORLD." 1102 00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:56,525 - YOU'LL DO THE, UH-- YOU'LL DO THE COOKIES. 1103 00:39:56,562 --> 00:39:59,532 - COOKIES. - I'LL DO THE COFFEE. 1104 00:39:59,565 --> 00:40:01,765 - KRISTEN. UH, HI, EXCUSE ME. 1105 00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:03,540 UM, TEACHER APPRECIATION DAY NEXT FRIDAY. 1106 00:40:03,569 --> 00:40:05,069 I GOT THE CUPCAKES ALL COVERED. 1107 00:40:05,103 --> 00:40:07,713 AND I PROMISE THEY WILL LOOK LIKE CUPCAKES. 1108 00:40:10,542 --> 00:40:11,912 - BRIAN? BRIAN, WAIT. 1109 00:40:11,943 --> 00:40:14,213 YOU KNOW, CAN YOU GIVE ME ONE SECOND? 1110 00:40:14,245 --> 00:40:16,615 LISTEN, UM, I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY. 1111 00:40:16,648 --> 00:40:19,118 WHEN YOU OPENED UP LAST NIGHT IN THE MEETING, 1112 00:40:19,150 --> 00:40:21,050 I COMPLETELY RELATED. 1113 00:40:21,086 --> 00:40:23,516 I MEAN, BEING A SINGLE PARENT IS REALLY TOUGH. 1114 00:40:23,555 --> 00:40:25,685 - YEAH, IT IS. RIGHT? 1115 00:40:25,724 --> 00:40:27,694 - IT IS, AND I SCREW UP ALL THE TIME. 1116 00:40:27,726 --> 00:40:30,696 I MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT EVERYTHING. 1117 00:40:30,729 --> 00:40:33,869 YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A GOOD DAD. AND ANYONE CAN SEE THAT. 1118 00:40:33,899 --> 00:40:35,769 - WELL, THANK YOU. - WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME. 1119 00:40:35,801 --> 00:40:38,501 AND I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT HURTING MADDY'S FEELINGS. 1120 00:40:38,537 --> 00:40:41,567 - OH, WELL, THAT'S OKAY. SHE'S A PRETTY RESILIENT KID. 1121 00:40:41,607 --> 00:40:43,607 - WAIT TILL SHE'S A TEENAGER. 1122 00:40:43,642 --> 00:40:45,542 - OH. 1123 00:40:45,577 --> 00:40:47,007 - MY DAUGHTER IS GOING THROUGH SOME BOY STUFF. 1124 00:40:47,045 --> 00:40:50,615 AND SHE JUST CRASHED HER CAR INTO A MAILBOX. 1125 00:40:50,649 --> 00:40:52,549 - OH, WELL, HEY, LISTEN. TAKE IT BY THE SHOP. 1126 00:40:52,584 --> 00:40:54,794 I'LL HAVE A LOOK AT IT. - NO, I COULDN'T DO THAT. 1127 00:40:54,820 --> 00:40:55,790 - OH, YES, YOU CAN. 1128 00:40:55,821 --> 00:40:57,621 I HAVE NO FRIENDS. I AM WILLING TO BUY THEM. 1129 00:40:57,656 --> 00:41:00,256 - UH, WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE. 1130 00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:01,891 OKAY, OKAY. 1131 00:41:01,927 --> 00:41:03,657 WELL, THEN YOU HAVE TO LET ME TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER. 1132 00:41:03,695 --> 00:41:05,795 - OKAY. WELL, TELL YOU WHAT. 1133 00:41:05,831 --> 00:41:08,701 HOW ABOUT I MAKE US BOTH DINNER? 1134 00:41:08,734 --> 00:41:11,544 - DEAL. - DEAL. 1135 00:41:11,570 --> 00:41:14,070 - GOOD. 1136 00:41:14,105 --> 00:41:15,605 DID SOMEBODY CALL YOU A WITCH LAST NIGHT? 1137 00:41:15,641 --> 00:41:17,941 - YEAH, THEY DID. I THOUGHT THAT WAS IN MY HEAD. 1138 00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:19,806 - NO, THAT HAPPENED. THAT REALLY HAPPENED. 1139 00:41:19,845 --> 00:41:21,805 - YEAH, IT DID. - YEAH, IT WAS WEIRD. 1140 00:41:21,847 --> 00:41:24,777 - THAT WAS WEIRD. IT WAS WEIRD. 1141 00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:25,876 - OH. HEY, GUYS. 1142 00:41:25,917 --> 00:41:28,247 - HEY, JELLY BEAN! - HI, DAD. 1143 00:41:28,286 --> 00:41:30,616 BYE, EMMA. - BYE, MADDY. 1144 00:41:30,656 --> 00:41:31,616 - ALL RIGHT. 1145 00:41:31,657 --> 00:41:35,627 BYE. - BYE. 1146 00:41:35,661 --> 00:41:37,601 HEY, KRISTEN? 1147 00:41:37,629 --> 00:41:38,599 - YEAH? 1148 00:41:38,630 --> 00:41:40,170 - WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE IN THE FRONT SEAT? 1149 00:41:40,198 --> 00:41:43,298 - OH, UM...THAT. 1150 00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:44,374 THAT'S A GIFT FROM MY BROTHER. 1151 00:41:44,402 --> 00:41:47,542 IT'S A SAFETY DUMMY, FOR WHEN I'M DRIVING ALONE. 1152 00:41:47,573 --> 00:41:50,743 AND I DON'T HAVE AN ESCORT FOLLOWING ME HOME. 1153 00:41:50,776 --> 00:41:53,676 - AH, THAT'S SMART. 1154 00:41:53,712 --> 00:41:56,082 IT'S A LITTLE CREEPY. 1155 00:41:56,114 --> 00:41:58,124 - I GUESS IT IS. 1156 00:41:58,149 --> 00:42:00,849 A LITTLE CREEPY. 1157 00:42:00,886 --> 00:42:03,146 ALL RIGHT, SEE YA. 1158 00:42:03,188 --> 00:42:06,988 - SEE YA SOON. 1159 00:42:07,025 --> 00:42:08,825 YOU READY? 1160 00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:10,900 - YEAH. - ALL RIGHT. 1161 00:42:10,929 --> 00:42:13,569 - SO I WAS INVITED TO CLARA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. 1162 00:42:13,599 --> 00:42:14,629 - YEAH? 1163 00:42:14,666 --> 00:42:16,326 - YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE ALL HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS. 1164 00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:18,267 I DEFINITELY WANT TO GO AS VOLDEMORT. 1165 00:42:18,303 --> 00:42:20,113 - VOLDEMORT? THAT'S A BAD GUY. 1166 00:42:20,138 --> 00:42:22,268 WELL, THEN I'LL BE THE GOOD GUY. 1167 00:42:22,307 --> 00:42:24,577 - NO. WAIT. [laughing] 1168 00:42:24,610 --> 00:42:27,610 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 1169 00:42:59,377 --> 00:43:01,347 - THAT'S A LOUD BLOUSE. - BITCH. 81717

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