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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:04,712 - NOW, THE REASON WE'RE HERE 2 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:08,108 IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER 3 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,582 TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER 4 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:15,552 WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM 5 00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:18,323 EVERYBODY STAND UP 6 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:22,262 OH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD 7 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:23,590 TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU 8 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,064 I LOVE YOU 9 00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:29,303 10 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,572 - WHOO-HOO! CHECK IT! 11 00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,738 LADIES IN A LIMO! 12 00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:45,746 OH, THAT DOESN'T MEAN PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN, SIR. 13 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,179 [laughter] 14 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:50,245 OH, UM, I THINK I'M STUCK... 15 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:52,124 SERIOUSLY. 16 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,453 - WHO INVITED THE PREGNANT CHICK? 17 00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,117 - WHEW. 18 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:56,316 - OH, I DID. 19 00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:57,687 - CAREFUL. DON'T HUG HER TOO HARD. 20 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,125 YOU DON'T WANT HER WATER TO BREAK 21 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,290 OR A TINY ARM TO POP OUT. 22 00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:02,798 - THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. CAN IT? 23 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:07,440 - GUYS, THANK YOU FOR THE BEST BACHELORETTE WEEKEND EVER. 24 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:10,098 I PROMISE THAT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, 25 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,638 I WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU. 26 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,642 - OOH, OPEN YOUR PRESENT. 27 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,084 - OH! GIVE ME. 28 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,122 [loud buzzing] 29 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,491 [all screaming] 30 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,318 YOU'RE KIDDING ME! 31 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,694 I SAY THAT WE GO BACK TO MY HOTEL. 32 00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:32,562 WE TAKE A TEN-MINUTE CATNAP, AND THEN WE HIT THE CLUBS, 33 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:37,233 BECAUSE THIS NIGHT IS JUST ABOUT TO GET STARTED. 34 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:40,425 OH, YOU HAVE PILLOW LEGS. 35 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,922 - OKAY, WE'LL PUT 90-PROOF TO BED 36 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,490 AND HOOK UP WITH YOU GUYS LATER. 37 00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:00,319 - ALL RIGHT. 38 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:04,164 OKAY, SO IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS JUST US. 39 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:06,132 - TAXI! 40 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,195 HEY, ANNIE. 41 00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,899 HERE'S YOUR CAB TO TAKE YOU HOME. 42 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:12,530 - WHAT? NO, I WANT TO GO OUT. 43 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:13,796 I NEVER GO OUT. 44 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,174 I WANT TO WATCH YOU DRINK A MARTINI. 45 00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:17,873 - I KNOW, BUT YOU LOOK SO TIRED. 46 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:18,935 EVERYBODY'S WORRIED. 47 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,642 - WAIT. ARE YOU TRYING TO DITCH ME? 48 00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,544 - NOT JUST YOU-- YOU TOO. 49 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,906 - THE BABY? - YES, IT'S RUINING MY LIFE. 50 00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:25,945 I'M SORRY. IT'S NOT. 51 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:26,779 FORGET I SAID THAT. HUG? 52 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,354 - YOU KNOW, THE BABY CAN HEAR YOU, 53 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,552 AND IT SAYS YOU'RE BEING A BITCH. 54 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,823 AND THAT'S THE ONLY PART I CAN REPEAT. 55 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,591 - I'M SORRY. IT'S SO HARD. 56 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,660 EVERY TIME WE GO OUT, GUYS GIVE YOU SO MUCH ATTENTION. 57 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,888 IT'S LIKE I'M INVISIBLE. NO ONE CAN EVEN SEE ME. 58 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,764 - THAT'S BECAUSE I'M BLOCKING OUT THE SUN. 59 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:41,662 - NO, IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GREAT STORY. 60 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,825 - TECHNICALLY, IT'S NOT MY BABY. 61 00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:47,974 I'M CARRYING IT FOR MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND. 62 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,871 I MEAN, THEY TRIED EVERYTHING AND JUST COULDN'T GET PREGNANT. 63 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:52,914 IN THE END, SHE IS MY SISTER. 64 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,480 HOW COULD I NOT DO IT? 65 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,878 I DON'T KNOW. DOES THAT MAKE ME A SAINT? 66 00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,850 IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SAY. 67 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,909 - AND YET YOU BROUGHT IT UP. 68 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,918 - SWEETIE, IT'S NOT A KNOCK ON YOU. 69 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,520 IT'S--I'M AN ODDITY. 70 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,922 I'M LIKE THE WOMAN WHO MARRIED THE EIFFEL TOWER 71 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,664 OR THE TODDLER WHO SMOKES A PACK A DAY. 72 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,819 - THAT'S MY POINT. I DON'T HAVE A GOOD STORY. 73 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,688 AND YOU NEED ONE. - NO, YOU DON'T. 74 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:13,626 - YOU DO. GUYS ARE SO A.D.D. 75 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,531 YOU HAVE TO CATCH THEIR ATTENTION QUICK. 76 00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:16,733 YOU ARE THE PREGNANT SAINT, 77 00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:19,704 AND I AM THE GRAD STUDENT WHOSE ONE EYE GOES IN A LITTLE. 78 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:22,343 - NO, IT DOESN'T. 79 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:23,900 WELL, IF YOU POINT IT OUT, IT KIND OF DOES. 80 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,337 - SHOULD I SAY I'M BISEXUAL? 81 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:26,773 I MEAN, THAT'S SHINY AND SEXY. 82 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:27,937 - ANNA PAQUIN SAID SHE'S BISEXUAL. 83 00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,475 IT KIND OF MADE IT NOT INTERESTING ANYMORE. 84 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:30,710 - [softly scoffs] 85 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,254 - OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS? 86 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,480 I WILL JUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, 87 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,575 AND I WILL HAVE ONE VIRGIN MARGARITA, 88 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:37,847 AND THEN I'LL GO BACK TO MY APARTMENT 89 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,545 AND WEIGH MYSELF AND THEN CRY A LITTLE 90 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:41,387 BEFORE I GO TO BED. - YOU'RE NICE. 91 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,862 WHAT? IS MY EYE GOING IN RIGHT NOW? 92 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:43,920 - MM-HMM. - I REALLY NEED TO DO 93 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,457 MY EXERCISES. 94 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:49,003 [upbeat music] 95 00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:57,239 96 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,545 - THAT MUST BE IMPORTANT. 97 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:08,448 - OKAY, I KNOW THIS IS SUCH A CLICHE, 98 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,352 BUT IF I GET AN IDEA, I HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN, 99 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,354 OR I FORGET IT. 100 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,345 I'M WRITING A NOVEL. 101 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,557 I KNOW IT'S STUPID. - NO, THAT'S AMAZING. 102 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,059 I'M CASSIE. 103 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,890 - JORDAN. 104 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:21,896 - I'M ANNIE, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. 105 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,729 - CONGRATULATIONS. IS THIS YOUR FIRST? 106 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,604 - KIND OF. 107 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,673 REALLY, THERE IS NO STORY HERE. 108 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,501 - OKAY, NOW I'M INTERESTED. 109 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:30,997 - NO, SERIOUSLY, NOT IMPORTANT. - PLEASE. 110 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:32,408 - I'M A VIRGIN. - WHAT? 111 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,710 - WHAT? - WHAT? 112 00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:36,711 OH, GOD, I'M SO SORRY. DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD? 113 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:39,314 I REALLY SHOULDN'T DRINK. I'M SO EMBARRASSED. 114 00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:40,947 I GUESS NOW EVERYBODY KNOWS MY STORY. 115 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,781 - THAT'S YOUR STORY? - UH-HUH. 116 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,946 JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT GUY. 117 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,315 - YOU SHOULDN'T BE EMBARRASSED. I THINK IT'S KIND OF SWEET. 118 00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:50,315 - GOOD NIGHT, ANNIE. 119 00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,767 SORRY, THIS PLACE IS SUCH A FRAKKING MESS. 120 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,869 - "FRAKKING"? SOMEONE'S A BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FAN. 121 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:03,672 - WELL, I'VE SEEN A FEW EPISODES. 122 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,414 IT'S NOT LIKE I'M OBSESSED OR ANYTHING. 123 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:08,509 - WHEN IT GOT CANCELED, I WROTE A LETTER EVERY DAY 124 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,842 FOR A MONTH. - OH, MY GODS. 125 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:11,447 I MISS IT SO MUCH. 126 00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:13,509 both: SO SAY WE ALL. - [gasps] 127 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,723 - MAYBE WE SHOULD SLOW DOWN. 128 00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,985 - WHAT? WHY? 129 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,634 OH, RIGHT. 130 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,060 IT'S OKAY. I THINK I'M READY. 131 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:30,796 - WOW. 132 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,771 UH, OKAY. 133 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,840 I GUESS WE NEED A CONDOM, THEN. 134 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,868 - RIGHT. 135 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:42,507 - I THINK I HAVE ONE IN MY WALLET. 136 00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:43,943 - OW! 137 00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:47,153 - ARE YOU OKAY? - MM-HMM. 138 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,620 I'M FINE. 139 00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:50,079 - NO, YOU'RE NOT. LOOK AT YOU. 140 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,887 YOU'RE OVERWHELMED. 141 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,019 - NO, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. 142 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,863 I MEAN, IT IS, BUT... - CASSIE... 143 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,629 YOU'RE A NICE GIRL. 144 00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,028 BUT WE MET AT A BAR. 145 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,829 THIS REALLY SHOULDN'T BE YOUR FIRST TIME. 146 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,702 WHY DON'T WE JUST SLOW IT DOWN? 147 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,571 - REALLY? - I'LL CALL YOU. 148 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,439 I PROMISE. 149 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,420 - ANNIE, IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS, AND HE STILL HASN'T CALLED. 150 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,927 - WELL, WHY DID YOU MAKE "VIRGIN" YOUR STORY? 151 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:34,029 - I DON'T KNOW-- I THOUGHT GUYS WERE INTO THAT, 152 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:37,901 LIKE A CONQUEST OR COLUMBUS DISCOVERING A NEW WORLD. 153 00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:40,431 - TOO BAD INDIGENOUS PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY SETTLED THERE. 154 00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:41,738 - I REALLY SCREWED THIS UP. 155 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:42,869 I FINALLY MEET THE PERFECT GUY, 156 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,813 AND HE'S AFRAID TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. 157 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,838 - YOU ARE TOTALLY TWILIGHT. 158 00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:48,514 - [gasps] SHE IS. 159 00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,982 SHE'S BELLA, AND JORDAN'S EDWARD, HER VAMPIRE LOVER. 160 00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:53,651 VAMPIRE PENISES WOULD BE COLD. - RIGHT? 161 00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:56,451 - CASSIE, THERE ARE A MILLION REASONS 162 00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,654 WHY HE HASN'T CALLED YET. 163 00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,145 I BET HE'S NOT EVEN THAT FREAKED OUT. 164 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,986 - I FREAKED OUT. 165 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,162 - ZAH! 166 00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:05,630 A HOT VIRGIN WHO'S INTO SCI-FI-- 167 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:06,629 SERIOUSLY? 168 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:08,660 I WOULD HAVE CRAWLED IN THERE AND NEVER LEFT. 169 00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:09,996 - I KNOW, BUT IT JUST FELT 170 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:11,900 LIKE SUCH A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY, YOU KNOW. 171 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,032 - THAT'S 'CAUSE IT IS. 172 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,597 VIRGINS ARE LIKE BABY DUCKS. 173 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,506 THEY IMPRINT ON YOU, AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, 174 00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:18,838 SHE'S FOLLOWING YOU AROUND EVERYWHERE-- 175 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,612 ACROSS ROADS, INTO LAKES AND PONDS. 176 00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,911 WHEN I WAS 16, I HOOKED UP WITH A VIRGIN. 177 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,713 SHE STILL CALLS ME TWICE A WEEK. 178 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,645 - WELL, I CAN'T JUST NOT CALL HER. 179 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,120 YOU KNOW, I LIKED HER. I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 180 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,078 both: [shouting] 181 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,117 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO. 182 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,722 - HEY, I DO. 183 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:34,794 WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM THAT WHEN YOU SAID 184 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,262 YOU WERE A VIRGIN, YOU MEANT YOUR OTHER VIRGINITY? 185 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,260 YOU KNOW. [clicks tongue] 186 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,902 - BRILLIANT-- A MISCOMMUNICATION. 187 00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,629 - GUYS, THIS ISN'T FUNNY. I LIKE JORDAN. 188 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,574 - NO GUY WANTS TO BE THE FIRST. 189 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,499 - I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE, JAMES. 190 00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:50,195 - TRUST ME. THAT GUY'S NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU. 191 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,737 - YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. IT'S YOUR DUTY. 192 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,113 A HOT 20-SOMETHING VIRGIN IN TODAY'S DAY AND AGE-- 193 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,542 IT'S LIKE FINDING A UNICORN. 194 00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:57,647 - EXCEPT SHE'S NOT A UNICORN. 195 00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,608 SHE'S A DUCK. FORGET THE DUCK. 196 00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:00,777 - BANG THE UNICORN. - FORGET THE DUCK. 197 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:04,154 - BANG THE UNICORN. [cell phone rings] 198 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,924 - SHE TEXTED ME. 199 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:09,623 - BEFORE YOU REPLY, CONSIDER THESE WORDS-- 200 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,787 DON'T DO IT. 201 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,057 - HE SAYS HE'S SORRY HE HASN'T CALLED, 202 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,996 AND HE WANTS TO GET TOGETHER LATER... 203 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,001 TO TALK. 204 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,232 all: OH. 205 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,697 - REALLY? 206 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,235 - WELL, IT SAYS "TANK," 207 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:24,940 BUT I THINK HE MEANS "TALK." 208 00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:27,712 HE'S GONNA LET ME DOWN GENTLY, BECAUSE HE THINKS I'M A VIRGIN. 209 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,311 - WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH? 210 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,812 HE'LL UNDERSTAND. 211 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,114 - OR HE'LL HATE ME BECAUSE I'M A CRAZY LIAR. 212 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:35,816 - OKAY, THAT'S JUST A CHANCE YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE. 213 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:50,855 - SO LISTEN, I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT. 214 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,098 IT'S JUST-- 215 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,643 LOOK, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS. 216 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:55,798 - JORDAN, LISTEN, THERE'S-- 217 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,296 THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU. 218 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:58,967 - I'M SORRY. 219 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,836 [scoffs] HE'S EARLY. 220 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,244 - WHO? 221 00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,584 [horse softly snorts] - WHOA. 222 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,816 - THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE. 223 00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:13,151 I WANTED TO TELL YOU 224 00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,316 THAT I DO WANT TO BE THE ONE. 225 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,885 - YOU DO? 226 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:20,194 - I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOUR FIRST TIME REALLY SPECIAL. 227 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,697 - OH, CRAP. 228 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,767 - CONGRATULATIONS. 229 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:30,942 OLDER THAN I THOUGHT. 230 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,811 - UH, YEAH, I WAS REALLY EXCITED. 231 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:34,571 SORRY. 232 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,110 - I REALLY WISH HE WOULDN'T WINK. 233 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:42,616 AH! [horse whinnies] 234 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,220 - I JUST WANT THIS NIGHT TO BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ARE. 235 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,693 - I'M NOT A VIRGIN. 236 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,196 - WHAT? - WHOA. 237 00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:57,198 - I LIED. - OH, BOY. 238 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,330 - OH, PLEASE, LIKE YOU'VE NEVER LIED? 239 00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:00,766 JUST DRIVE. - THAT IS SO MESSED UP. 240 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,301 WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? - SORRY. 241 00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:04,095 I JUST-- I JUST NEEDED A STORY. 242 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,707 - WHY WOULD YOU NEED ANY STORY? 243 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,009 - 'CAUSE WE LIVE IN A TWITTER WORLD. 244 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,780 YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HOOK SOMEBODY 245 00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,179 IN 140 CHARACTERS OR LESS. 246 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,910 - THAT'S JUST CRAZY. - IS IT? 247 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,245 LOOK AT MY FRIEND ANNIE. 248 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,380 SHE'S GIGANTICALLY PREGNANT, 249 00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:17,184 AND WHENEVER WE GO OUT, GUYS GIVE HER SO MUCH ATTENTION. 250 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,787 - YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO THE PREGNANT GIRL, 251 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:23,320 OTHERWISE YOU LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE. 252 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:25,386 - SO ANNIE WAS MY WINGMAN, 253 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,755 AND I JUST BLEW IT? 254 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,704 - PRETTY MUCH. 255 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,830 - [chuckles] 256 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:35,665 SO I GUESS THIS IS GOING IN YOUR NOVEL. 257 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:39,013 - YEAH, I'M NOT WRITING A NOVEL. 258 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:41,309 I JUST SAID THAT TO SOUND INTERESTING. 259 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:44,011 - YOU LIED TO ME. 260 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,684 SO YOU MADE UP A STORY TOO. 261 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,283 SEE, WE'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER. 262 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:50,684 WE'RE BOTH LIARS WHO HAVE HAD SEX BEFORE 263 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:53,218 AND WHO ARE BOTH BATTLESTAR FANS. 264 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,123 FRESH START, FRESH START, 265 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,955 LIKE WHEN ADMIRAL ADAMA 266 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,890 TOOK THE SPACE REFUGEES TO NEW EARTH? 267 00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:01,086 - IT WASN'T A FRESH START, BECAUSE IT WAS IMPLIED 268 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:03,028 THAT THEY MATED WITH CAVEMEN, 269 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:04,333 WHO CREATED THE HUMAN RACE, 270 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,134 WHO WENT ON TO BUILD GIANT KILLER ROBOTS. 271 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,066 - I WOULD ARGUE THAT, YES, IT WAS A FRESH START. 272 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,871 PERHAPS MORE SATISFYING TO VIEWERS 273 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,773 THAN THE ACTUAL CHARACTERS, BUT STILL... 274 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,462 [elevator dings] 275 00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:43,269 - GOOD MORNING, CARTER. 276 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,440 - HEY, KELL. - HEY. 277 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:50,636 THE BOSS WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. 278 00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:53,807 - IT'S NOT EVEN 9:00 A.M. - THIS IS A LAW FIRM, CARTER. 279 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:56,017 YOU HAVE TO BE HERE BEFORE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE 280 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,319 AND STAY AFTER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. 281 00:11:58,351 --> 00:11:59,991 WHY DO YOU THINK I'M ALWAYS HERE WHEN YOU ARRIVE 282 00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:01,450 AND WHEN YOU LEAVE? 283 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,818 - BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO LIFE. - EXACTLY. 284 00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:06,427 BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE. 285 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,502 - GOOD MORNING, CARTER. 286 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,430 - MORNING. 287 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,197 YOU WANTED TO SEE ME? 288 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,136 - YES. HAVE A SEAT, CARTER. 289 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,371 I'M MAKING A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT THIS MORNING, 290 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,207 AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT FIRST. 291 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,042 - OH. WHY ME? 292 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:27,077 - BECAUSE YOU ARE DIRECTLY AFFECTED. 293 00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:30,224 CARTER, YOU'RE A TERRIFIC ACCOUNTANT. 294 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,890 - THANK YOU. 295 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,049 - AND AS YOU KNOW, WE'RE PROBABLY THE LAST FIRM OUR SIZE 296 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,957 REQUIRING LAWYERS TO MANUALLY PRODUCE TIME SHEETS, 297 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,490 WHICH YOUR DEPARTMENT 298 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,555 THEN HAS TO MANUALLY COMPILE IN ORDER TO BILL OUR CLIENTS. 299 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,263 IT'S A COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME. 300 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:45,125 SO... 301 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,495 WE ARE FINALLY MOVING INTO THE FUTURE 302 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,544 AND GETTING AN A.T.S.... 303 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,469 AUTOMATED TIMEKEEPING SYSTEM. 304 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:52,514 - AH. 305 00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,369 - IT'S A SOFTWARE PROGRAM THAT ELIMINATES WORK 306 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,537 FOR OUR LAWYERS, SAVES OUR CLIENTS MONEY, 307 00:12:56,576 --> 00:13:00,076 AND SAVES ME FROM HAVING TO EXPLAIN FOR THE 800TH TIME 308 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,123 WHY WE BILL FOR BILLING. 309 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:03,579 [laughing] I MEAN, IT'S... 310 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,386 - [chuckles awkwardly] 311 00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:09,819 - THUS, WE DON'T NEED YOU TO DO THE JOB YOU'VE BEEN DOING. 312 00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:11,257 - RIGHT. 313 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,391 SO WHAT WILL MY NEW JOB BE? 314 00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:15,556 - I DON'T KNOW. 315 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:19,325 BUT... 316 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:23,396 I WILL CERTAINLY GIVE YOU A GLOWING RECOMMENDATION. 317 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,515 - JUDD. - HEY, MAN, WHERE ARE YOU? 318 00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,457 - I'M IN THE MEN'S ROOM AT WORK. 319 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,233 - DUDE, YOU SOUND UPSET. 320 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,231 IS THIS FINALLY THE PHONE CALL WHERE YOU TELL ME YOU'RE GAY? 321 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,973 - I JUST GOT FIRED. 322 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:54,129 - OH, MAN, THAT SUCKS. 323 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,367 WELL, YOU'RE GOOD WITH NUMBERS AND WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO. 324 00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:59,314 YOU'LL BOUNCE BACK. - REALLY? 325 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,309 ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED IN A MONTH? 326 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,281 DID YOU JUST MOVE INTO AN EXPENSIVE APARTMENT 327 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,380 WITH SOMEONE, 328 00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:06,311 AND NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL HER THAT YOU LOST YOUR JOB? 329 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,946 - NO, NO, COME ON, YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. 330 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,451 OH! 331 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:11,582 - HELLO? - CALL ME BACK. 332 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:13,948 [toilet flushes] 333 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,427 - DID YOU HEAR? 334 00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:27,936 - YOU REALLY GOT FIRED? 335 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,298 - YEAH. - OKAY, THAT BLOWS. 336 00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,637 BUT LIZ WILL UNDERSTAND. 337 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,971 THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN THE BUSINESS WORLD. 338 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,407 IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A MAN. 339 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,683 IN FACT, THE TEST OF A MAN'S CHARACTER 340 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,481 ISN'T HOW HE HANDLES SUCCESS. 341 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:42,183 IT'S HOW HE HANDLES ADVERSITY. 342 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:46,045 - OH, KELL, THE BOSS WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. 343 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,116 - OH, MY GOD, NO. 344 00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:50,555 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 345 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:53,330 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, 346 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:58,530 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 347 00:14:58,565 --> 00:14:59,665 NO! 348 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,680 [woman moaning] 349 00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:16,319 OH! OOH, YES! OH! 350 00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:22,622 [moaning continues] 351 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:28,955 [woman giggles] OH, YES. 352 00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:32,366 [moaning continues] 353 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:36,369 OOH, YES, YES, YES! 354 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,673 OHH! [laughs] 355 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:43,676 [moans] 356 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:46,750 [gasps] [buzzing] 357 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:50,349 [buzzing stops] 358 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,753 HI, HONEY. YOU'RE HOME EARLY. 359 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,455 - I THOUGHT... 360 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,358 I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH SOMEBODY. 361 00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,430 - I WOULD NEVER. 362 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,058 - NO, I KNOW, I KNOW. 363 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:02,033 IT WAS JUST ALL THE-- 364 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,202 ALL THE MOANING. 365 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:04,530 - OH, SO YOU HEARD ME? 366 00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,434 - HONEY, I THINK ALL OF SAN FRANCISCO HEARD YOU, 367 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,036 MAYBE EVEN MARIN. 368 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,398 - OH, GOD, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. 369 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:15,007 MY FRIENDS GAVE ME THE MASERATI OF VIBRATORS 370 00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:16,342 AS A JOKE. 371 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:18,346 BUT, UM... - IT'S NO JOKE? 372 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,508 - NO, IT IS NOT. 373 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:23,047 - WOW, HOW AM I ONLY GETTING A LAME FISHING TRIP 374 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,223 FOR MY BACHELOR PARTY, 375 00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:27,451 AND YOU GOT SEX TOYS IN MANHATTAN? 376 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,557 UM... 377 00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,530 YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE... 378 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:35,499 MAYBE I SHOULD CANCEL THAT TRIP. 379 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,328 - IT'S THIS WEEKEND. WHY WOULD YOU CANCEL IT? 380 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,604 - TO SAVE MONEY. 381 00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:42,142 - YOU ARE SAVING MONEY BY NOT HAVING STRIPPERS. 382 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,539 - LIZ, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. 383 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:46,171 - I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING TOO. 384 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,466 - OKAY. 385 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,677 UM, YOU FIRST. 386 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:52,579 - I THINK... 387 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:56,582 I JUST HAD MY FIRST ORGASM. 388 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,821 - ARE YOU SAYING-- 389 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,355 W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, 390 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,831 THAT YOU'VE BEEN FAKING ALL THIS TIME WITH ME? 391 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,529 - NO. 392 00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:11,601 BUT I JUST REALIZED THAT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS ONE 393 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:14,231 ALL OF MY LIFE, NOT JUST WITH YOU, 394 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,837 BUT WITH ALL OF THE GUYS BEFORE YOU... 395 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,138 - NOT HELPING. 396 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,410 - MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN ONE. 397 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:22,544 - HMM. 398 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,307 [distant trolley bell ringing] 399 00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,547 - CARTER, THIS IS A GOOD THING. 400 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,382 - IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A GOOD THING. 401 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,588 - NO. 402 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,389 SEE, NOW THAT I KNOW 403 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,521 WHAT ONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE, 404 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:40,426 I KNOW THAT WE'LL BE ABLE TO GET THERE AS WELL. 405 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:44,430 IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN ENJOYING IT WITH YOU. 406 00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:48,474 IT'S LIKE AN "A" COMPARED TO AN A-PLUS. 407 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,742 SHOULD I NOT HAVE TOLD YOU? 408 00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:58,114 - NO. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL EACH OTHER ANYTHING. 409 00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:00,345 AND YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, 410 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,420 DESERVE AN A-PLUS. 411 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:06,289 - YOU'RE THE BEST FIANCE EVER. 412 00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:14,191 SO WHAT WAS YOUR NEWS? 413 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,597 - IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. 414 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:19,368 - OH, COME ON, TELL ME. 415 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:22,339 - WELL, MY BOSS CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE... 416 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:29,381 AND SAID I'M A TERRIFIC ACCOUNTANT. 417 00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,909 - HONEY. 418 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,314 OH, THAT IS SO GREAT. 419 00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:37,217 MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE YOU A RAISE. 420 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:39,490 - MAYBE. 421 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,364 - SO I'VE BEEN REPLACED BY A MACHINE 422 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,596 AT WORK AND IN BED. 423 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,931 - AT LEAST IT WASN'T A GUY. 424 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,725 - A GUY I COULD COMPETE WITH. 425 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,867 HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH THE MASERATI OF VIBRATORS? 426 00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,714 - YOU DON'T REQUIRE BATTERIES. 427 00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:01,469 - IT'S NOT BATTERY-OPERATED. 428 00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:02,908 IT PLUGS IN. - WHAT? 429 00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,742 - YEAH, IT NEVER GETS TIRED. 430 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:07,647 IT CAN GO FOREVER. - OH, YOU GOT TROUBLE, MAN. 431 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,820 - THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. 432 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,718 - IT'S NOT THAT DAMN BUNNY, IS IT? 433 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,690 'CAUSE MY EX-WIFE HAD ONE OF THOSE, 434 00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:14,749 AND I STILL SAY IT'S WHY SHE DIDN'T CRY WHEN SHE LEFT ME. 435 00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:16,857 - NO. NO, THAT I MIGHT HAVE RECOGNIZED. 436 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:19,389 THIS JUST LOOKED LIKE A-- LIKE A BACK MASSAGER. 437 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:20,556 AND THAT'S THE INSIDIOUS PART. 438 00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:21,833 I MEAN, IT COULD BE LYING AROUND, 439 00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:24,261 YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN NOTICE IT, AND THEN, BOOM, SHE TELLS YOU 440 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,327 IT'S BETTER IN BED THAN YOU ARE. 441 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:27,295 - YOU KNOW, LIZ CAN HAVE YOU WHENEVER SHE WANTS. 442 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:28,374 SHE DOESN'T NEED A DEVICE. 443 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:29,441 I MEAN, THAT'S THE FIRST THING 444 00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:30,899 THAT SHOULD GO WHEN TWO PEOPLE MOVE IN TOGETHER, 445 00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,707 JUST LIKE YOUR PORN HAS TO GO. 446 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:33,769 - IT DOES? - YES. 447 00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,236 THEN WHEN YOU GET A DIVORCE, 448 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,305 YOU'VE GOT NO WOMAN AND NO PORN... 449 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:39,654 AND NOW NO JOB! 450 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,749 [ship horn blares] 451 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,321 - I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE ME. - OH, SHE'S NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU. 452 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,564 - BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB. 453 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,859 - I DON'T HAVE SOMEONE TO LOSE OVER LOSING MY JOB, 454 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:53,731 SO CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY. 455 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,360 - YEAH, I DO. 456 00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:56,655 AND I AM LUCKY. 457 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,826 IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT? 458 00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,834 MY JOB WHILE I DON'T HAVE A JOB 459 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,436 IS TO BECOME AS GOOD IN BED AS THE MASERATI OF VIBRATORS. 460 00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:04,900 - HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT? 461 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:08,637 - BUSINESS 101-- KNOW YOUR COMPETITION. 462 00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:13,648 [buzzing] 463 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,448 - NO HUMAN CAN MOVE THAT FAST. 464 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:19,985 - AND THAT WAS THE SLOW SPEED. 465 00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,589 CHECK THIS OUT. 466 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:24,461 [louder buzzing] 467 00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:29,958 PLUS, THERE ARE VARIOUS ATTACHMENTS, 468 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,826 DEPENDING WHAT SIZE AND THICKNESS-- 469 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,634 - OKAY, OKAY. - YOU KNOW WHAT? 470 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:34,966 YOU'RE KILLING US, YOU KNOW THAT? 471 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:37,001 THIS ENTIRE PLACE IS MAKING MEN OBSOLETE. 472 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:39,606 - THESE TOYS ARE MODELED AFTER MEN. 473 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,409 ALL THEY DO IS SIMULATE SEX. 474 00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,441 - YEAH, BUT WE CAN'T SIMULATE THESE TOYS 475 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,647 UNLESS WE'RE BEING ELECTROCUTED. - [grunting] 476 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,379 - HMM. 477 00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:51,645 - NO, SERIOUSLY, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COMPETE 478 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,794 IF THEY KEEP GETTING FASTER AND MORE SOPHISTICATED? 479 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,961 - GET FASTER AND MORE SOPHISTICATED. 480 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,929 - OH, I WILL. YOU WATCH. 481 00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:00,588 - HMM, I'D RATHER NOT. 482 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:03,297 - I DIDN'T MEAN LITERALLY. 483 00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:04,600 - OKAY. 484 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:08,774 [doorbells chime] 485 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,471 - HEY, IS IT FUN WORKING HERE? 486 00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:11,773 - I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 487 00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:14,644 - NO, I'M ACTUALLY... 488 00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:15,944 LOOKING FOR A JOB. 489 00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:21,307 [buzzing] 490 00:21:28,988 --> 00:21:30,618 - HEAT? 491 00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:32,887 COME ON! 492 00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:34,925 [sighs] 493 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,980 - HONEY? 494 00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:00,985 - YEAH? - I HAVE TO GET TO WORK. 495 00:22:01,020 --> 00:22:03,090 - BUT YOU DIDN'T-- - THAT'S OKAY. 496 00:22:03,122 --> 00:22:05,022 - NO. NO, IT'S NOT. 497 00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:07,587 WHAT--WHAT CAN I DO? 498 00:22:07,627 --> 00:22:12,027 - YOU WANT TO TAKE THE MASERATI OUT AND DRIVE THIS HOME? 499 00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:13,604 - [sighs] 500 00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:16,603 SO I'M--I'M, WHAT, THE--THE FLUFFER? 501 00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:17,836 OH. 502 00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:19,940 - WELL, WITH THIS RESUME, 503 00:22:19,972 --> 00:22:22,512 WE SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM FINDING YOU A JOB. 504 00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:23,782 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR EXACTLY? 505 00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:28,050 - ANYTHING. I'M VERY "AMBITHITH." 506 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,050 - EXCUSE ME? 507 00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:31,651 - "AMBITHITH." 508 00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:35,894 I'M KIND OF A "PERFECTHINITH." 509 00:22:35,922 --> 00:22:37,722 - ARE YOU OKAY? 510 00:22:37,757 --> 00:22:43,397 - I THINK I-I "THPRAINED" MY TONGUE. 511 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:49,903 - AND HERE I THOUGHT IT WAS AN INJURY-FREE SPORT. 512 00:22:49,936 --> 00:22:51,466 YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? 513 00:22:51,504 --> 00:22:53,844 WE SHOULD GIVE IT A NAME, LIKE TENNIS ELBOW. 514 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:56,143 - DON'T GIVE IT A NAME. - CARPAL "TONGUAL"? 515 00:22:56,175 --> 00:22:58,545 - ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF? 'CAUSE I HAD A BAD MORNING. 516 00:22:58,578 --> 00:23:00,508 - THERE WILL BE OTHER HEADHUNTERS. 517 00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:01,747 - I DON'T CARE ABOUT HEADHUNTERS. 518 00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:03,081 MY FIANCEE IS HAVING 519 00:23:03,115 --> 00:23:05,445 THE BEST SEX OF HER LIFE WITHOUT ME. 520 00:23:05,485 --> 00:23:06,645 SHE PREFERS AN APPLIANCE. 521 00:23:06,686 --> 00:23:08,086 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL? 522 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:08,920 - DOES SHE? 523 00:23:08,955 --> 00:23:10,685 COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT... 524 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,193 TO WOMEN. 525 00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,534 THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF 526 00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:16,631 AND BE A BETTER LISTENER AND... 527 00:23:16,663 --> 00:23:19,133 BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... 528 00:23:19,165 --> 00:23:21,495 - HEY, LOVE, HOW YOU FEELING AFTER YOUR BREAKUP 529 00:23:21,534 --> 00:23:22,974 WITH RANGERS FORWARD TYLER PERLING? 530 00:23:23,002 --> 00:23:24,442 - UH, I'M DELIGHTED. 531 00:23:24,471 --> 00:23:26,171 I JUST LOST 200 POUNDS OF DOUCHE BAG. 532 00:23:26,205 --> 00:23:28,475 - SO TYLER SAID YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN TALK TO GHOSTS. 533 00:23:28,508 --> 00:23:30,478 - YEAH, AND TYLER ALSO SAID THAT HE COULD BE FAITHFUL 534 00:23:30,510 --> 00:23:32,580 AND HE LED HIS TEAM IN ASSISTS. 535 00:23:32,612 --> 00:23:34,552 YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR. 536 00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:36,581 - HEY. I WAS WATCHING THAT. 537 00:23:36,616 --> 00:23:38,916 - I WANT TO WATCH THIS. 538 00:23:38,951 --> 00:23:40,991 - DO YOU WANT SOME HELP WARMING UP? 539 00:23:41,020 --> 00:23:43,020 - OH, YEAH. - YOU WANT TO WATCH PORN? 540 00:23:43,055 --> 00:23:44,555 - YEAH. 541 00:23:44,591 --> 00:23:46,531 YEAH, IT, UH... 542 00:23:46,559 --> 00:23:48,699 HELPS ME GET IN THE MOOD. 543 00:23:48,728 --> 00:23:50,798 AND LIKE YOU SAID... 544 00:23:50,830 --> 00:23:52,630 WHATEVER WORKS. 545 00:23:52,665 --> 00:23:55,635 [upbeat sultry music] 546 00:23:55,668 --> 00:24:04,638 547 00:24:07,514 --> 00:24:08,684 - YEAH, I GUESS I'M OKAY WITH THAT. 548 00:24:08,715 --> 00:24:11,575 - HUH? - YEAH, WHY NOT? 549 00:24:11,618 --> 00:24:14,518 SHOULD I PULL OUT THE MASERATI? 550 00:24:17,256 --> 00:24:20,056 - YEAH. WHY NOT? 551 00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:29,504 [buzzing] 552 00:24:29,536 --> 00:24:33,236 - I LOVE YOU! - I LOST MY JOB! 553 00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:37,012 [buzzing stops] - WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? 554 00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:39,813 - "I LOVE YOU TOO"? 555 00:24:39,846 --> 00:24:44,046 - YOU LOST YOUR JOB TODAY? 556 00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:47,793 - I LOST MY JOB MONDAY. 557 00:24:47,820 --> 00:24:49,120 - WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING? 558 00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:51,655 - I TRIED TO, BUT YOU WERE... 559 00:24:51,691 --> 00:24:53,131 AND... 560 00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:55,259 YOU KNOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU. 561 00:24:55,294 --> 00:24:57,904 - I DON'T NEED YOU TO SUPPORT ME. 562 00:24:57,930 --> 00:24:59,670 - YEAH, BUT I'M THE GUY. 563 00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:01,199 AND I'M ABOUT TO BE THE HUSBAND. 564 00:25:01,233 --> 00:25:03,843 - AND I'M ABOUT TO BE THE WIFE, 565 00:25:03,870 --> 00:25:05,610 WHICH MEANS, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, 566 00:25:05,638 --> 00:25:07,308 THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE FAITH IN YOU 567 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,739 AND STAND BY YOU AND REMIND YOU 568 00:25:09,776 --> 00:25:11,806 IN TIMES LIKE THIS THAT... 569 00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:13,084 YOU WERE TOP OF YOUR CLASS. 570 00:25:13,112 --> 00:25:15,152 YOU'RE GONNA FIND ANOTHER JOB. 571 00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:21,016 - WELL, I HAVE A TEMP JOB. 572 00:25:21,053 --> 00:25:22,153 - SEE? 573 00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:25,188 WHAT IS IT? 574 00:25:25,224 --> 00:25:27,964 - TO BE BETTER IN BED 575 00:25:27,994 --> 00:25:31,234 THAN THAT DAMN MASERATI. 576 00:25:53,352 --> 00:25:55,252 [man whistles] 577 00:25:59,025 --> 00:26:01,985 [men humming] 578 00:26:02,028 --> 00:26:04,658 579 00:26:04,697 --> 00:26:06,967 - GOING FISHING - WE'RE GOING FISHING 580 00:26:06,999 --> 00:26:09,039 - GONNA GET SOME FISH - GONNA PICK 'EM UP 581 00:26:09,068 --> 00:26:11,138 - GONNA FISH IT UP - GONNA FISH IT OUT 582 00:26:11,170 --> 00:26:12,340 - JUDD, BABY, 583 00:26:12,371 --> 00:26:13,941 ABOUT THIS BACHELOR PARTY, 584 00:26:13,973 --> 00:26:15,883 SHOULD WE ESTABLISH SOME GROUND RULES? 585 00:26:15,908 --> 00:26:18,138 - NO, I TOLD YOU, THIS IS A LAME FISHING TRIP. 586 00:26:18,177 --> 00:26:19,777 - WELL, YOU SEE, I THOUGHT THAT WAS CODE 587 00:26:19,812 --> 00:26:21,282 FOR DRUNKEN DEBAUCHERY WITH STRIPPERS 588 00:26:21,313 --> 00:26:23,323 SHOOTING STRAWBERRIES OUT OF THEIR HOO-HAS. 589 00:26:23,349 --> 00:26:26,019 - NO, SADLY, IT'S CODE FOR LAME FISHING TRIP. 590 00:26:26,052 --> 00:26:27,952 - SINCE WHEN DO WE FLY ACROSS COUNTRY 591 00:26:27,987 --> 00:26:29,187 FOR A G-RATED BACHELOR PARTY? 592 00:26:29,221 --> 00:26:31,961 - SINCE CARTER LOST HIS JOB AND NEEDS A LITTLE CHEERING UP. 593 00:26:31,991 --> 00:26:34,061 - I THINK STRIPPERS WOULD CHEER HIM UP. 594 00:26:34,093 --> 00:26:36,033 - APPARENTLY, LIZ TOLD CARTER IF HE HAD STRIPPERS, 595 00:26:36,062 --> 00:26:37,232 THE WEDDING WAS OFF. 596 00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:38,703 - SEE? 597 00:26:38,731 --> 00:26:40,031 RIGHT THERE-- THAT IS WHY YOU'RE GETTING ME 598 00:26:40,066 --> 00:26:42,836 A "BETTER DEAD THAN WED" TATTOO RIGHT HERE. 599 00:26:42,869 --> 00:26:44,939 IT'S GONNA SWIRL AROUND ON THE RING FINGER. 600 00:26:44,971 --> 00:26:46,111 - OH, HELL, YEAH. 601 00:26:46,138 --> 00:26:47,068 THEN YOU CAN SEE STRIPPERS 602 00:26:47,106 --> 00:26:48,906 SHOOTING STRAWBERRIES OUT OF THEIR HOO-HAS 603 00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:50,011 ANYTIME YOU LIKE. 604 00:26:50,042 --> 00:26:52,612 - WHAT'S UP WITH YOU AND THE STRAWBERRIES, COLLEEN? 605 00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:58,051 - IT'S JUST THE KIND OF THING I'VE HEARD HAPPENS. 606 00:26:58,084 --> 00:26:59,654 - WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER THAT? 607 00:26:59,686 --> 00:27:01,386 - BECAUSE IT WAS DISTURBING, BOWMAN. 608 00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:02,860 I HAD TO SHARE IT WITH SOMEBODY. 609 00:27:02,889 --> 00:27:04,819 - WE HAVE A CODE. - OH, YEAH, A CODE. 610 00:27:04,857 --> 00:27:06,787 - OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, PULL OVER TO THE CURB. 611 00:27:06,826 --> 00:27:08,226 - WHAT? WHY? - PULL THE CAR 612 00:27:08,260 --> 00:27:10,300 OVER TO THE CURB. - THIS IS FIRST CLASS ONLY. 613 00:27:10,329 --> 00:27:11,999 - LOOK WHO'S HERE. 614 00:27:12,031 --> 00:27:13,671 - HERE YOU GO, MA'AM. 615 00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:16,240 - HEY, IT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND. 616 00:27:16,268 --> 00:27:17,868 - WHO ARE WE LOOKING AT? I'M LOST. 617 00:27:17,904 --> 00:27:18,944 - JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. - FROM FACTS OF LIFE? 618 00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:21,411 - NO. NO. THAT'S TOOTIE. 619 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,080 FROM PARTY OF FIVE-- JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. 620 00:27:23,109 --> 00:27:24,739 - OH. 621 00:27:24,777 --> 00:27:27,747 - ALSO FROM MY CELEBRITY-EXEMPTION LIST. 622 00:27:27,780 --> 00:27:29,880 - WHAT'S THAT--A REALITY SHOW? I'M LOST AGAIN. 623 00:27:29,916 --> 00:27:30,976 - IT'S A MARRIED THING. 624 00:27:31,017 --> 00:27:33,947 YOU KNOW, IT'S THE LIST OF FIVE OR SO FAMOUS PEOPLE 625 00:27:33,986 --> 00:27:36,086 YOU GET TO SLEEP WITH IF YOU EVER GET THE CHANCE. 626 00:27:36,122 --> 00:27:38,022 - RIGHT, AND IT'S NOT CONSIDERED CHEATING, 'CAUSE IT'S EXEMPT. 627 00:27:38,057 --> 00:27:40,187 IT'S EXEMPT. - I KNOW, HONEY. 628 00:27:40,226 --> 00:27:41,386 - OKAY. - SO WHO'S ON YOUR LIST? 629 00:27:41,427 --> 00:27:43,357 - FIRST, OF COURSE, THERE'S JOHNNY DEPP. 630 00:27:43,395 --> 00:27:45,995 AND THEN THERE'S--I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE HIS NAME-- 631 00:27:46,032 --> 00:27:47,732 JAVI-AY, JAVIER "BARDEEM"? 632 00:27:47,767 --> 00:27:49,067 - WHAT DO I DO HERE, SERIOUSLY? 633 00:27:49,101 --> 00:27:49,771 - DENZEL. - THIS NEVER HAPPENS. 634 00:27:49,802 --> 00:27:51,042 DO I GO OVER AND TALK TO HER? 635 00:27:51,070 --> 00:27:52,200 I MEAN, WHAT DO I-- I'M LIKE, 636 00:27:52,238 --> 00:27:53,708 "HEY, HOW YOU DOING? CAN I--" 637 00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:54,640 WHAT DO I SAY? 638 00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:56,013 - JUST SAY GOOD-BYE. SHE JUST WALKED IN. 639 00:27:56,042 --> 00:27:57,312 - OKAY, SHOULD I GO AFTER HER? 640 00:27:57,343 --> 00:27:59,113 COME ON. - YES. YES, RUN AFTER HER. 641 00:27:59,145 --> 00:28:00,405 GO. GO. 642 00:28:00,446 --> 00:28:02,406 - YOU DON'T THINK I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN, DO YOU? 643 00:28:02,448 --> 00:28:04,048 - NOT REALLY, BABY, NO. 644 00:28:04,083 --> 00:28:07,123 - YEAH, NEITHER DO I. 645 00:28:12,859 --> 00:28:15,489 - MY PROBLEM IS THAT WE'RE GOING TO MIAMI. 646 00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:17,997 THERE'S HOT BABES EVERYWHERE, EXCEPT FOR AT SEA 647 00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:20,170 WHEN YOU'RE STUCK ON A BOAT WITH FOUR DUDES AND A COOLER. 648 00:28:20,199 --> 00:28:22,029 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 649 00:28:25,504 --> 00:28:28,014 - SIR, COULD YOU KEEP MOVING, PLEASE? 650 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,440 WE NEED TO GET EVERYONE INTO THEIR SEATS. 651 00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:32,976 - YEAH. YEAH, SURE. SORRY. 652 00:28:47,359 --> 00:28:49,859 HOUSTON, WE HAVE CONTACT. 653 00:28:49,896 --> 00:28:51,256 - YOU HAVE YET TO MAKE EYE CONTACT. 654 00:28:51,297 --> 00:28:53,267 - AND IT'S-- IT'S AN OVERNIGHT FLIGHT. 655 00:28:53,299 --> 00:28:54,869 - OH, CASANOVA. 656 00:28:54,901 --> 00:28:56,471 - I MEAN, LOOK, I'LL ADMIT THERE ARE SOME CHALLENGES. 657 00:28:56,502 --> 00:28:58,042 - YOU THINK? 658 00:28:58,070 --> 00:28:59,510 - I MEAN, THERE'S, YOU KNOW, THE CLASS DIFFERENCE. 659 00:28:59,538 --> 00:29:01,208 - FIRST CLASS/COACH OR CELEBRITY/NOBODY? 660 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,840 - AND, UH... 661 00:29:03,876 --> 00:29:05,076 SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND. 662 00:29:05,111 --> 00:29:07,281 UH... HOCKEY PLAYER. PERLING. 663 00:29:07,313 --> 00:29:09,183 - NEW YORK RANGERS PERLING? - YEAH. 664 00:29:09,215 --> 00:29:10,445 - PUT SOME DUDE IN THE HOSPITAL LAST WEEK. 665 00:29:10,482 --> 00:29:12,122 - RIGHT. SO THERE'S THAT. 666 00:29:12,151 --> 00:29:14,791 - IF YOU END UP BEATEN TO A PULP BY A HOCKEY STICK, 667 00:29:14,821 --> 00:29:16,391 YOU DID BETTER WITH HER THAN ANYONE EXPECTED. 668 00:29:16,422 --> 00:29:17,962 - WOULD IT KILL YOU TO JUST BE 669 00:29:17,990 --> 00:29:19,160 A LITTLE BIT MORE POSITIVE ABOUT THIS? 670 00:29:19,191 --> 00:29:20,791 - OH, I'M POSITIVE. 671 00:29:20,827 --> 00:29:22,357 I'M SO POSITIVE, I'M GONNA SIT IN THE MIDDLE SEAT, 672 00:29:22,394 --> 00:29:24,004 SO YOU CAN GET IN AND OUT 673 00:29:24,030 --> 00:29:25,900 FOR HOT SEX WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. 674 00:29:25,932 --> 00:29:28,972 - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. - HUH. 675 00:29:29,001 --> 00:29:30,471 OKAY, SO, SERIOUSLY, LET'S SAY YOU DO THIS, 676 00:29:30,502 --> 00:29:32,872 YOU SEDUCE JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT 677 00:29:32,905 --> 00:29:34,565 BETWEEN L.A. AND MIAMI... - YEAH. 678 00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:36,136 - DO YOU REALLY THINK COLLEEN WOULD BE OKAY WITH THAT? 679 00:29:36,175 --> 00:29:37,805 - YEAH, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE LIST. 680 00:29:37,844 --> 00:29:39,354 IT'S SANCTIONED. - BUT, AND CORRECT ME 681 00:29:39,378 --> 00:29:41,508 IF I'M WRONG, ISN'T THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THE LIST 682 00:29:41,547 --> 00:29:42,947 THAT IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN? 683 00:29:42,982 --> 00:29:44,822 - PROBABLY NEVER GONNA HAPPEN 684 00:29:44,851 --> 00:29:47,321 UNLESS ALL THE STARS ALIGN 685 00:29:47,353 --> 00:29:48,593 AND YOU FIND YOURSELF 686 00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:51,590 ON A FLIGHT WITH YOUR FIRST AND ONLY CELEBRITY 687 00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:52,993 ON YOUR FRICKIN' LIST. 688 00:29:53,025 --> 00:29:54,825 - I THOUGHT YOU GOT FIVE PEOPLE. 689 00:29:54,861 --> 00:29:57,131 - NO, I DON'T NEED FIVE. ALL I NEED IS LOVE. 690 00:30:02,334 --> 00:30:04,104 I GOT TO TRY THIS. I KNOW IT'S A LONG SHOT. 691 00:30:04,136 --> 00:30:05,906 BUT I OWE IT TO A FAT KID FROM PHILLY WHO HAD A POSTER 692 00:30:05,938 --> 00:30:07,308 OF JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IN HIS ROOM. 693 00:30:07,339 --> 00:30:09,379 - YOU HAD ME AT "FAT KID." 694 00:30:09,408 --> 00:30:11,278 - SO HOW DO I DO THIS FROM COACH? 695 00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:12,910 - SEND HER A DRINK. 696 00:30:12,945 --> 00:30:14,905 - [laughs] WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, SHE'S GOT TO BE DRUNK 697 00:30:14,947 --> 00:30:17,417 TO SLEEP WITH ME? - IT WOULD NOT HURT. 698 00:30:17,449 --> 00:30:19,849 LOOK, YOU'RE OUT OF THE LOOP, JUDD. 699 00:30:19,886 --> 00:30:21,046 I'M STILL OUT THERE. 700 00:30:21,087 --> 00:30:23,157 AND WOMEN, EVEN NON-CELEBRITY WOMEN, 701 00:30:23,189 --> 00:30:25,089 NEED AT LEAST TWO DRINKS TO SLEEP WITH... 702 00:30:25,124 --> 00:30:26,434 MAYBE IT'S JUST ME. 703 00:30:26,458 --> 00:30:28,228 - HEY, CAN WE FOCUS? LET'S FOCUS. 704 00:30:28,260 --> 00:30:30,200 - GOOD IDEA. OKAY. 705 00:30:30,229 --> 00:30:31,859 AH. 706 00:30:31,898 --> 00:30:34,098 - WHAT? WHAT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? 707 00:30:34,133 --> 00:30:36,173 BUY HER A WATCH? - OR SOME OTHER KIND OF CRAP. 708 00:30:36,202 --> 00:30:38,172 READING GLASSES. - NO. 709 00:30:38,204 --> 00:30:39,574 - OH, THIS BUTTERFLY PENDANT IS NICE. 710 00:30:39,605 --> 00:30:40,635 LOOK AT THAT-- SWAROVSKI CRYSTAL. 711 00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:43,242 - NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T BUY JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT 712 00:30:43,275 --> 00:30:45,945 A $29 NECKLACE. - WHAT HAVE YOU COME UP WITH? 713 00:30:52,084 --> 00:30:54,394 - WELL, I KNOW SHE LIKES TATTOOS. 714 00:30:54,420 --> 00:30:56,890 AND I'M A TATTOO ARTIST. I COULD SKETCH HER SOMETHING. 715 00:30:56,923 --> 00:30:58,663 - I LOVE IT. I'D SLEEP WITH YOU. 716 00:30:58,690 --> 00:31:00,530 - YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT ON MY LIST. 717 00:31:00,559 --> 00:31:01,659 - YOU'RE GONNA DRAW IT ON A BARF BAG? 718 00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:04,103 - I JUST NEED YOU TO STOP TALKING TO ME FOR A WHILE. 719 00:31:04,130 --> 00:31:05,930 I NEED TO BE COMPLETELY IN THE ZONE. 720 00:31:05,965 --> 00:31:07,195 - EXCUSE ME. I HAVE THAT SEAT. 721 00:31:07,233 --> 00:31:09,103 [baby crying] 722 00:31:09,135 --> 00:31:10,935 - THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP. 723 00:31:10,970 --> 00:31:12,240 - IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT. 724 00:31:12,271 --> 00:31:14,371 - [silently] [baby continues crying] 725 00:31:24,583 --> 00:31:27,593 [baby crying] 726 00:31:30,256 --> 00:31:33,326 - NOT GETTING MARRIED. NOT HAVING CHILDREN. 727 00:31:33,359 --> 00:31:35,089 - HE CAN'T CRY THE WHOLE TIME. 728 00:31:35,127 --> 00:31:38,057 - NO, MY FRIEND, HE CAN, AND HE WILL. 729 00:31:38,097 --> 00:31:40,167 - I'M SO SORRY. HE JUST WANTS HIS MOTHER. 730 00:31:40,199 --> 00:31:42,199 - YOU'RE NOT HIS MOTHER? - NO, I'M HIS NANNY. 731 00:31:42,234 --> 00:31:43,704 HIS MOTHER'S IN FIRST CLASS. 732 00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:45,365 SHE WANTS TO SLEEP. 733 00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:46,974 - SO THE REST OF US MUST SUFFER. 734 00:31:48,074 --> 00:31:49,544 - OH! 735 00:31:49,575 --> 00:31:51,075 FORGET IT. I GIVE UP. 736 00:31:51,110 --> 00:31:52,380 - NO, YOU DO NOT. 737 00:31:52,411 --> 00:31:53,381 LET'S TRY ITSY, BITSY SPIDER AGAIN. 738 00:31:53,412 --> 00:31:54,312 HE LIKED THAT THE FIRST COUPLE HUNDRED TIMES. 739 00:31:54,346 --> 00:31:56,716 - NO, THE DREAM IS DEAD. WHO AM I KIDDING? 740 00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:58,178 I CAN'T EVEN GET INTO FIRST CLASS TO USE THE JOHN. 741 00:31:58,217 --> 00:32:00,487 MY WHOLE PLAN IS... - ROSE, I'VE BEEN WAITING 742 00:32:00,519 --> 00:32:02,549 FOR THEM TO TURN OFF THE "FASTEN SEAT BELT" SIGN, 743 00:32:02,588 --> 00:32:03,418 BUT WITH THIS TURBULENCE... 744 00:32:03,455 --> 00:32:05,085 OH, HI, SWEETIE. 745 00:32:05,124 --> 00:32:07,564 MOMMY'S HERE. HE HASN'T STOPPED, HAS HE? 746 00:32:07,593 --> 00:32:09,363 - WHAT DID YOU SAY? I'VE LOST MY HEARING. 747 00:32:09,395 --> 00:32:10,655 - MA'AM, YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR SEAT. 748 00:32:10,696 --> 00:32:12,526 - OKAY, I WILL. I JUST-- 749 00:32:12,564 --> 00:32:15,034 WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRADE SEATS WITH ME? 750 00:32:15,067 --> 00:32:16,467 - YOU'RE GIVING UP YOUR FIRST-CLASS SEAT? 751 00:32:16,502 --> 00:32:18,202 - YEAH, YOU SEE, THE THING IS, 752 00:32:18,237 --> 00:32:19,967 I'M SITTING NEXT TO JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT, 753 00:32:20,006 --> 00:32:21,436 AND SHE KEPT SAYING, "WHY DOESN'T 754 00:32:21,473 --> 00:32:23,383 THAT POOR BABY'S MOTHER DO SOMETHING?" 755 00:32:23,409 --> 00:32:24,439 AND I KEPT SAYING, "I KNOW." 756 00:32:24,476 --> 00:32:27,976 THEN I FINALLY ADMITTED THAT IT MIGHT BE MY BABY. 757 00:32:28,014 --> 00:32:29,284 SO I CAN'T GO BACK THERE. 758 00:32:29,315 --> 00:32:32,715 I DEFINITELY CAN'T SUBJECT HER TO HIS WRATH. 759 00:32:32,751 --> 00:32:35,051 - HOW GOOD A FRIEND AM I? 760 00:32:35,087 --> 00:32:36,487 - I DON'T KNOW. I'M WAITING TO SEE. 761 00:32:36,522 --> 00:32:38,462 - HE'LL TAKE YOUR SEAT. 762 00:32:38,490 --> 00:32:42,290 - AND I'M GONNA OWE YOU BOTH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. 763 00:32:42,328 --> 00:32:45,628 - DON'T FORGET YOUR BARF BAG. - NO, NO, I GOT IT. I GOT IT. 764 00:32:46,432 --> 00:32:48,272 HEY. 765 00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:51,500 DO I TAKE OFF MY WEDDING RING? - I DON'T KNOW. YOU TELL ME. 766 00:32:51,537 --> 00:32:52,767 - UH, NO. 767 00:32:52,804 --> 00:32:55,174 NO, 'CAUSE THEN IT FEELS LIKE CHEATING, AND IT'S NOT CHEATING, 768 00:32:55,207 --> 00:32:56,677 'CAUSE IT'S EXEMPT. - SANCTIONED. 769 00:32:56,708 --> 00:32:58,478 - YEAH. 770 00:33:00,679 --> 00:33:03,579 - SIR, THE "FASTEN SEAT BELT" SIGN 771 00:33:03,615 --> 00:33:05,275 IS STILL ILLUMINATED. 772 00:33:05,317 --> 00:33:07,517 AND THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR SEAT. 773 00:33:07,553 --> 00:33:10,563 - THE WOMAN WHO WAS THERE, UH, TRADED SEATS WITH ME, 774 00:33:10,589 --> 00:33:11,659 'CAUSE I WAS SITTING WITH HER BABY. 775 00:33:11,690 --> 00:33:12,760 - THAT WAS HER BABY? 776 00:33:12,791 --> 00:33:14,461 WILL YOU PLEASE JUST TELL THAT WOMAN 777 00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:16,463 THAT SHE CAN COME BACK AND BRING HER BABY IF SHE WANTS? 778 00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:17,355 - NO. SHE DOESN'T WANT. 779 00:33:17,396 --> 00:33:21,126 SHE, UM--HER NANNY'S BACK THERE, SO... 780 00:33:21,167 --> 00:33:24,037 YOU CAN ASK HER YOURSELF. IT'S--IT'S 21-C. 781 00:33:35,414 --> 00:33:37,184 - THERE WE GO. I JUST NEED TO GET MY... 782 00:33:37,216 --> 00:33:40,286 THERE WE GO. [grunts] 783 00:33:40,319 --> 00:33:41,419 JUDD. JUDD ROUSCHER. 784 00:33:41,453 --> 00:33:43,793 - JENNIFER. - YES, I KNOW. 785 00:33:43,822 --> 00:33:46,532 - SO THAT--THAT BABY WAS CRYING FOR, LIKE, THE LAST... 786 00:33:46,558 --> 00:33:50,228 - OH, 2 HOURS AND 24 MINUTES. 787 00:33:50,262 --> 00:33:52,302 - I FEEL LIKE CRYING LIKE THAT SOMETIMES ON PLANES. 788 00:33:52,331 --> 00:33:53,231 I HATE TURBULENCE. 789 00:33:53,265 --> 00:33:54,465 MY BOYFRIEND USED TO HAVE TO HOLD MY... 790 00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:56,770 [gasps] 791 00:33:56,802 --> 00:33:57,742 HAND. 792 00:33:57,769 --> 00:33:59,439 IT FIGURES THE SECOND I BREAK UP WITH HIM, 793 00:33:59,471 --> 00:34:00,341 I'M ON THE FLIGHT FROM HELL. 794 00:34:00,372 --> 00:34:02,442 - OH, SO YOU GUYS JUST BROKE UP, HUH? 795 00:34:02,474 --> 00:34:03,784 - YEAH, DON'T YOU READ THE TABLOIDS? 796 00:34:03,809 --> 00:34:06,449 THAT'S WHY I CUT MY HAIR. IT'S MY BREAKUP BOB. 797 00:34:06,478 --> 00:34:07,478 - OH. 798 00:34:07,513 --> 00:34:09,553 - YEAH, HE WAS A HOCKEY PLAYER. 799 00:34:09,581 --> 00:34:12,121 HIS GAME WENT TO CRAP, AND APPARENTLY IT WAS MY FAULT, 800 00:34:12,151 --> 00:34:13,521 EVEN THOUGH HE'S THE ONE WHO CHEATED. 801 00:34:13,552 --> 00:34:17,592 ANYHOW, I AM DONE WITH... [gasps] 802 00:34:17,623 --> 00:34:19,533 ATHLETES. 803 00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,388 YOU'RE NOT AN ATHLETE, ARE YOU? 804 00:34:21,427 --> 00:34:24,157 - NO, BUT THANKS FOR PRETENDING THAT'S EVEN A POSSIBILITY. 805 00:34:24,196 --> 00:34:25,426 I AM A, UH... 806 00:34:25,464 --> 00:34:27,534 A, UH, TATTOO ARTIST. - COOL. 807 00:34:27,566 --> 00:34:29,236 I-I LOVE TATTOOS. 808 00:34:29,268 --> 00:34:30,768 - OH, LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S NICE. 809 00:34:30,802 --> 00:34:32,772 YOU KNOW, THAT'S SANSKRIT. 810 00:34:32,804 --> 00:34:34,544 - [gasps] 811 00:34:34,573 --> 00:34:37,543 - UH... 812 00:34:37,576 --> 00:34:40,346 LOOK, IF YOU-- YOU WANT TO HOLD MY HAND, 813 00:34:40,379 --> 00:34:42,709 YOU CAN IF IT'LL HELP. 814 00:34:42,748 --> 00:34:43,878 OR NOT. 815 00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:45,675 - YOU'RE MARRIED, RIGHT? 816 00:34:45,717 --> 00:34:47,647 - YEAH. 817 00:34:50,356 --> 00:34:52,416 - OKAY, WELL, MAYBE JUST UNTIL THEY TURN 818 00:34:52,458 --> 00:34:53,688 THE--THE SEAT BELT SIGN OFF. 819 00:35:02,168 --> 00:35:05,398 ALTHOUGH EVERY MARRIED GUY I KNOW CHEATS. 820 00:35:05,437 --> 00:35:06,667 HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED? 821 00:35:06,705 --> 00:35:07,905 - NO, NOT YET-- 822 00:35:07,939 --> 00:35:10,509 UH, NOT EVER, I MEAN. [chuckles] 823 00:35:10,542 --> 00:35:13,212 AND I-I'VE BEEN, UH, MARRIED FOUR YEARS NOW. 824 00:35:13,245 --> 00:35:14,745 - REALLY? - YEAH. 825 00:35:14,780 --> 00:35:16,420 - SO WHAT'S YOUR SECRET? 826 00:35:16,448 --> 00:35:18,178 HOW DO YOU STAY FAITHFUL? 827 00:35:18,217 --> 00:35:20,347 - UM, I LOVE MY WIFE. 828 00:35:20,386 --> 00:35:23,386 AND--AND, UM, SHE'S REALLY COOL. 829 00:35:23,422 --> 00:35:25,362 AND WE TOTALLY TRUST EACH OTHER. 830 00:35:25,391 --> 00:35:28,261 AND ALSO... 831 00:35:28,294 --> 00:35:31,534 THERE'S THIS LIST THAT--THAT WE HAVE, UM, 832 00:35:31,563 --> 00:35:34,473 OF PEOPLE THAT WE ARE ALLOWED TO CHEAT ON EACH OTHER WITH, 833 00:35:34,500 --> 00:35:37,240 YOU KNOW, IF WE EVER GET THE CHANCE. 834 00:35:37,269 --> 00:35:38,439 BUT WE'LL NEVER GET THAT CHANCE 835 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:40,570 BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE CELEBRITIES. 836 00:35:42,341 --> 00:35:44,241 AND, ANYHOO, UH... 837 00:35:44,276 --> 00:35:48,376 [laughs] IT--IT JUST MAKES, UM, MONOGAMY SEEM MORE DOABLE, 838 00:35:48,414 --> 00:35:51,254 BUT THAT WOULDN'T WORK FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A CELEBRITY, 839 00:35:51,283 --> 00:35:53,753 SO YOU CAN SLEEP WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT. 840 00:35:53,785 --> 00:35:56,315 - YEAH, JUST THE OTHER NIGHT, I RANG UP GEORGE CLOONEY. 841 00:35:56,355 --> 00:35:57,555 - [laughing] OH. 842 00:35:57,589 --> 00:35:59,529 NO. OKAY. 843 00:35:59,558 --> 00:36:02,458 I THOUGHT... - SO WHO'S FIRST ON YOUR LIST-- 844 00:36:02,494 --> 00:36:03,634 ANGELINA? 845 00:36:03,662 --> 00:36:05,402 - OH, NO, I'D RATHER NOT SAY. 846 00:36:05,431 --> 00:36:06,501 - UH, I LET YOU HOLD MY HAND. 847 00:36:06,532 --> 00:36:07,572 KEIRA KNIGHTLEY? 848 00:36:07,599 --> 00:36:09,199 PENELOPE CRUZ? COME ON. 849 00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,335 - YOU... - WHAT? 850 00:36:10,369 --> 00:36:11,839 - ARE. - REALLY? 851 00:36:11,870 --> 00:36:13,610 - YEAH. - I'M NOT FIRST 852 00:36:13,639 --> 00:36:15,339 ON ANYONE'S LIST ANYMORE. 853 00:36:15,374 --> 00:36:17,444 - YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST-- IT'S FANTASY FOOTBALL. 854 00:36:17,476 --> 00:36:19,376 YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S NEVER REALLY GONNA BE A GAME, 855 00:36:19,411 --> 00:36:22,281 SO IT'S JUST KIND OF FUN TO THINK ABOUT... 856 00:36:22,314 --> 00:36:24,684 NOT THAT I'M THINKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE I'M NOT. 857 00:36:24,716 --> 00:36:26,446 YOU WANT ME TO GET THIS LADY BACK HERE 858 00:36:26,485 --> 00:36:27,715 WITH THE SCREAMING BABY, 'CAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU, 859 00:36:27,753 --> 00:36:29,923 I AM DEFINITELY NOT ON YOUR LIST. 860 00:36:29,955 --> 00:36:32,655 - WELL, I DON'T-- I DON'T HAVE A LIST. 861 00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:35,231 - 'CAUSE YOU DON'T NEED A LIST. 862 00:36:36,895 --> 00:36:39,225 - I HAVE A-A TO-DO LIST, THOUGH. 863 00:36:39,265 --> 00:36:42,395 - GOOD, OKAY, SO THAT-- - AS IN PLACES I WOULD LIKE 864 00:36:42,434 --> 00:36:44,574 TO DO IT. - WAIT, WHAT? 865 00:36:44,603 --> 00:36:48,613 - AND GUESS WHAT'S FIRST ON MY TO-DO LIST? 866 00:36:51,477 --> 00:36:54,247 - I-I DON'T KNOW. 867 00:36:57,283 --> 00:36:58,323 - ON AN AIRPLANE. 868 00:36:58,350 --> 00:37:02,320 - OH. 869 00:37:02,354 --> 00:37:04,224 I LEFT SOMETHING BACK AT MY SEAT. 870 00:37:11,062 --> 00:37:13,332 OH, MY GOD. BOWMAN. 871 00:37:13,365 --> 00:37:15,265 - SHH. 872 00:37:18,470 --> 00:37:19,740 - LEAVE THE BABY. LEAVE THE BABY. 873 00:37:19,771 --> 00:37:20,841 - YOU NEED A CONDOM? 874 00:37:20,872 --> 00:37:22,012 - SHH. - ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 875 00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:23,410 - NO, SHE SAID SHE ALWAYS WANTED 876 00:37:23,442 --> 00:37:24,682 TO DO IT ON A PLANE. - OH! 877 00:37:24,710 --> 00:37:25,810 I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT SEAT. 878 00:37:25,844 --> 00:37:27,754 - OKAY, SO WHAT DO I DO? - UNWRAP IT AND PUT IT ON YOUR-- 879 00:37:27,779 --> 00:37:28,849 - NO, NO, NO, NO. 880 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:30,420 WHAT IF COLLEEN DOESN'T UNDERSTAND? 881 00:37:30,449 --> 00:37:31,749 - SHE SAID SHE WAS GAME. 882 00:37:31,783 --> 00:37:33,693 AND WORST COMES TO WORST, THE FAT KID FROM PHILLY 883 00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:35,989 FINALLY GOT HIS SHOT AT JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. 884 00:37:36,021 --> 00:37:37,491 AND NOW I FINALLY GET A SHOT AT COLLEEN. 885 00:37:37,523 --> 00:37:39,293 - THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED OFF 886 00:37:39,325 --> 00:37:40,855 THE "FASTEN SEAT BELT" SIGN. 887 00:37:40,892 --> 00:37:42,992 YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE CABIN. 888 00:37:43,028 --> 00:37:45,628 - GO MOVE ABOUT THE CABIN, BABY. 889 00:37:57,676 --> 00:38:00,006 - UM, THAT'S KIND OF ON MY TO-DON'T LIST. 890 00:38:00,045 --> 00:38:01,405 - RIGHT. 891 00:38:01,447 --> 00:38:03,717 UH, OKAY. 892 00:38:03,749 --> 00:38:06,689 ALL RIGHT, SO I'M--I'M-- I'M OFF TO THE LAVATORY. 893 00:38:06,718 --> 00:38:07,848 - OKAY. 894 00:38:13,359 --> 00:38:14,689 - I WASN'T DREAMING ABOUT WHAT WE'RE-- 895 00:38:14,726 --> 00:38:16,926 - YEAH, JUST YOU GO FIRST. - RIGHT. OKAY. 896 00:38:16,962 --> 00:38:18,632 [chuckles] 897 00:38:18,664 --> 00:38:20,734 HERE I GO. 898 00:38:37,649 --> 00:38:38,879 - OKAY. 899 00:38:38,917 --> 00:38:40,117 - [laughs] 900 00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:41,691 - WOW. THIS IS... 901 00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:43,720 - IT'S TIGHT IN HERE. - YOU THINK? 902 00:38:43,755 --> 00:38:46,955 I SHOULD HAVE WORKED OUT MORE THAN ONCE LAST YEAR. 903 00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,632 - HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS? 904 00:38:48,660 --> 00:38:49,760 - UH... 905 00:38:49,795 --> 00:38:52,055 OH, GOD, I DROPPED THE CONDOM. 906 00:38:52,097 --> 00:38:55,367 - CAN YOU REACH IT? - UH, WITH MY FOOT MAYBE. 907 00:38:55,401 --> 00:38:58,041 - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 908 00:38:58,069 --> 00:38:59,569 PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR SEATS 909 00:38:59,605 --> 00:39:01,865 AND KEEP YOUR SEAT BELTS FASTENED. 910 00:39:01,907 --> 00:39:04,907 - SHOULD WE RETURN TO OUR SEATS? 911 00:39:04,943 --> 00:39:06,853 - YEAH, IS THAT OKAY? 912 00:39:06,878 --> 00:39:08,978 - YEAH. 913 00:39:09,014 --> 00:39:11,624 I MEAN, I'M PRETTY SURE NEVER HAVING SEX 914 00:39:11,650 --> 00:39:12,820 WITH THE FIRST AND ONLY PERSON ON MY LIST 915 00:39:12,851 --> 00:39:15,921 BEATS BAD SEX WITH THE FIRST AND ONLY PERSON ON MY LIST. 916 00:39:15,954 --> 00:39:17,794 - WAIT. I'M--I'M THE ONLY? 917 00:39:20,759 --> 00:39:22,089 WHAT THE HELL? A QUICKIE? 918 00:39:22,127 --> 00:39:23,527 - YEAH. 919 00:39:24,763 --> 00:39:26,103 - MAYBE IF WE JUST, UM... - UM... 920 00:39:35,474 --> 00:39:36,714 YOU KNOW WHAT? 921 00:39:36,742 --> 00:39:39,142 I THINK I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE, 922 00:39:39,177 --> 00:39:41,547 EVEN IF THAT ISN'T CHEATING. 923 00:39:41,580 --> 00:39:45,480 - WELL, NOW I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. 924 00:39:45,517 --> 00:39:47,017 I WANT TO MARRY YOU. 925 00:39:47,052 --> 00:39:49,022 [laughter] 926 00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:50,594 - YEAH, I AM MOST ATTRACTIVE 927 00:39:50,622 --> 00:39:51,922 WHEN I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU. 928 00:39:51,957 --> 00:39:54,657 - COULD I JUST LIE AND SAY THAT WE DID? 929 00:39:54,693 --> 00:39:56,433 - ISN'T THAT SUPPOSED TO BE MY LINE? 930 00:39:56,462 --> 00:39:57,902 - IT'LL JUST DRIVE MY EX CRAZY 931 00:39:57,929 --> 00:39:59,499 TO READ ABOUT ME AND SOME GUY ON A PLANE. 932 00:39:59,531 --> 00:40:01,601 - YEAH, JUST DON'T USE MY NAME, 933 00:40:01,633 --> 00:40:03,503 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT COLLEEN TO-- 934 00:40:03,535 --> 00:40:05,435 ALTHOUGH EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD JUST GO-- 935 00:40:05,471 --> 00:40:07,571 - YEAH, I-I WON'T. 936 00:40:16,582 --> 00:40:17,852 - JUDD ROUSCHER. 937 00:40:17,883 --> 00:40:20,053 R-O-U-S-C-H-E-R. 938 00:40:40,171 --> 00:40:43,541 - OH, BYE, LITTLE DOODLEBUG. BYE, DOODLEBUG. 939 00:40:43,575 --> 00:40:45,235 - I'M GONNA GET YOU TO DO THIS TATTOO. 940 00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:46,646 - ABSOLUTELY. 941 00:40:46,678 --> 00:40:49,078 - BYE. - BYE. 942 00:40:49,114 --> 00:40:50,754 YOU SAW THAT, RIGHT? 943 00:40:50,782 --> 00:40:51,952 - YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW? 944 00:40:51,983 --> 00:40:54,493 A MAN WHO WAS IN THE BATHROOM WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT 945 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:56,150 FOR 57 SECONDS-- I TIMED IT. 946 00:40:56,187 --> 00:40:57,657 - YEAH, WELL, MORE IMPORTANTLY, 947 00:40:57,689 --> 00:41:00,059 "I FINALLY GET A SHOT AT COLLEEN"? 948 00:41:00,091 --> 00:41:01,661 - OH. - WHAT WAS THAT? 949 00:41:01,693 --> 00:41:03,533 I MEAN, ARE YOU LUSTING AFTER MY WIFE? 950 00:41:03,562 --> 00:41:04,702 IS THAT WHY YOU HANG OUT WITH US? 951 00:41:04,730 --> 00:41:06,870 - WHAT CAN I SAY? SHE'S FIRST ON MY LIST. 952 00:41:06,898 --> 00:41:08,498 SHE'S COOL. 953 00:41:08,534 --> 00:41:10,174 - YEAH, SHE IS COOL. SHE'S VERY COOL. 954 00:41:10,201 --> 00:41:12,741 AND SHE'S ABOUT TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO HER COOL HUSBAND. 955 00:41:12,771 --> 00:41:14,611 - YOU'RE GOING TO TELL HER YOU BLEW IT WITH HEWITT? 956 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,510 - COLLEEN? 957 00:41:16,542 --> 00:41:18,842 HEY, WERE YOU SLEEPING, HONEY? 958 00:41:18,877 --> 00:41:20,707 YOU'RE STILL AT JACE'S PARTY? 959 00:41:20,746 --> 00:41:24,116 WELL, GUESS WHO I JUST SAT NEXT TO ON THE PLANE TO MIAMI. 960 00:41:24,149 --> 00:41:25,679 YES. 961 00:41:25,717 --> 00:41:27,187 SHE WAS IN FIRST CLASS. SO WAS I. 962 00:41:27,218 --> 00:41:28,688 THIS WOMAN ASKED ME TO SWITCH SEATS WITH HER, 963 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,790 AND I GOT THE CHANCE TO JOIN THE MILE-HIGH CLUB 964 00:41:30,822 --> 00:41:32,892 WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. 965 00:41:32,924 --> 00:41:35,264 YEAH, AND I DIDN'T. I--NO, IT HAPPENED. 966 00:41:35,293 --> 00:41:37,203 IT HAPP--ASK BOWMAN. IT HAPPENED. 967 00:41:37,228 --> 00:41:40,168 AND I REFRAINED, HONEY, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. 968 00:41:40,198 --> 00:41:42,198 WHAT DO YOU--WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S TOO BAD? 969 00:41:42,233 --> 00:41:44,643 - WHAT'S TOO BAD? 970 00:41:44,670 --> 00:41:46,570 - JOHNNY DEPP WAS NOT AT THE PARTY. 971 00:41:46,605 --> 00:41:48,265 - JOHNNY DEPP WAS AT THE PARTY? - NO. 972 00:41:48,306 --> 00:41:50,106 OH, REALLY? OH, IN THE CABANA, HUH? 973 00:41:50,141 --> 00:41:52,211 - SHE'S JOKING. - OF COURSE SHE'S JOKING. 974 00:41:52,243 --> 00:41:54,653 YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT, COLLEEN? 975 00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:56,550 COLLEEN? 976 00:41:56,582 --> 00:41:59,152 COLLEEN? 977 00:41:59,184 --> 00:42:03,154 - COLLEEN! 978 00:42:03,188 --> 00:42:04,758 - OH, GOD, NO. 979 00:42:04,790 --> 00:42:07,060 I WOULD NEVER TAKE MONEY FOR BEING A SURROGATE. 980 00:42:07,092 --> 00:42:08,292 THE ONLY PAYMENT I NEED 981 00:42:08,326 --> 00:42:10,326 IS KNOWING THAT I'M HELPING MY SISTER. 982 00:42:10,361 --> 00:42:12,301 YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, YOU KNOW? 983 00:42:12,330 --> 00:42:15,300 - FASCINATING. 984 00:42:15,333 --> 00:42:17,103 - I'M SEEING SOMEONE. 985 00:42:19,270 --> 00:42:21,710 - WAIT. WHAT--WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 986 00:42:21,740 --> 00:42:25,140 [gasps] WAS I YOUR WINGMAN? 987 00:42:25,176 --> 00:42:27,646 - SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS A NEW STORY. 988 00:42:27,679 --> 00:42:29,679 - DAMN. 989 00:42:38,256 --> 00:42:40,156 - DO YOU GUYS TAKE CREDIT CARDS? 990 00:42:40,191 --> 00:42:41,691 - WELL, HI, BOSS. 991 00:42:41,727 --> 00:42:43,257 - OKAY. 992 00:42:43,294 --> 00:42:45,964 UH, HEY, NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN, 993 00:42:45,997 --> 00:42:46,967 YOU CAN HAVE YOUR JOB BACK. 994 00:42:46,998 --> 00:42:49,268 - OH, I DON'T WANT MY JOB BACK. I LIKE IT HERE. 995 00:42:49,300 --> 00:42:51,340 YOUR PLEASURE IS MY PLEASURE, 996 00:42:51,369 --> 00:42:54,639 WHICH IS WHY I CAN'T LET YOU BUY PINK, FURRY HANDCUFFS. 997 00:42:54,673 --> 00:42:57,243 I MEAN, THESE SAY I WANT TO DOMINATE YOU IN A CUTE WAY, 998 00:42:57,275 --> 00:42:58,975 AND YOU CAN'T DOMINATE IN A CUTE WAY. 999 00:42:59,010 --> 00:43:01,680 YOU'RE THE MAN. SHOW HER WHO'S IN CHARGE, HUH? 1000 00:43:01,713 --> 00:43:04,223 - KELL, STOP YAPPING AND RING HIM UP ALREADY. 1001 00:43:04,249 --> 00:43:06,949 - SORRY. THAT'LL BE $27.50. 1002 00:43:06,985 --> 00:43:08,345 - HEY, CAN I SEE THAT WHIP? 1003 00:43:08,386 --> 00:43:11,256 - COLLEEN, JOHNNY DEPP HAS A WIFE AND KIDS 1004 00:43:11,289 --> 00:43:13,219 AND LIVES IN PARIS. 1005 00:43:13,258 --> 00:43:15,628 YES, I WAS ON THE INTERNET. IF YOU CAN-- 1006 00:43:15,661 --> 00:43:19,101 JUST ADMIT THAT YOU WERE JOKING SO I CAN ENJOY MY TIME WITH-- 1007 00:43:19,130 --> 00:43:21,270 COLLEEN? COLLEEN? 1008 00:43:21,299 --> 00:43:23,299 I LOST HER AGAIN. - COLLEEN! 71386

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