Original subtitles

- NOW, THE REASON WE'RE HERE

IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER

TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER

WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM

EVERYBODY STAND UP

OH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD

TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU

- WHOO-HOO! CHECK IT!

LADIES IN A LIMO!

OH, THAT DOESN'T MEAN PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN, SIR.

[laughter]

OH, UM, I THINK I'M STUCK...

SERIOUSLY.

- WHO INVITED THE PREGNANT CHICK?

- WHEW.

- OH, I DID.

- CAREFUL. DON'T HUG HER TOO HARD.

YOU DON'T WANT HER WATER TO BREAK

OR A TINY ARM TO POP OUT.

- THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. CAN IT?

- GUYS, THANK YOU FOR THE BEST BACHELORETTE WEEKEND EVER.

I PROMISE THAT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,

I WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU.

- OOH, OPEN YOUR PRESENT.

- OH! GIVE ME.

[loud buzzing]

[all screaming]

YOU'RE KIDDING ME!

I SAY THAT WE GO BACK TO MY HOTEL.

WE TAKE A TEN-MINUTE CATNAP, AND THEN WE HIT THE CLUBS,

BECAUSE THIS NIGHT IS JUST ABOUT TO GET STARTED.

OH, YOU HAVE PILLOW LEGS.

- OKAY, WE'LL PUT 90-PROOF TO BED

AND HOOK UP WITH YOU GUYS LATER.

- ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, SO IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS JUST US.

- TAXI!

HEY, ANNIE.

HERE'S YOUR CAB TO TAKE YOU HOME.

- WHAT? NO, I WANT TO GO OUT.

I NEVER GO OUT.

I WANT TO WATCH YOU DRINK A MARTINI.

- I KNOW, BUT YOU LOOK SO TIRED.

EVERYBODY'S WORRIED.

- WAIT. ARE YOU TRYING TO DITCH ME?

- NOT JUST YOU-- YOU TOO.

- THE BABY? - YES, IT'S RUINING MY LIFE.

I'M SORRY. IT'S NOT.

FORGET I SAID THAT. HUG?

- YOU KNOW, THE BABY CAN HEAR YOU,

AND IT SAYS YOU'RE BEING A BITCH.

AND THAT'S THE ONLY PART I CAN REPEAT.

- I'M SORRY. IT'S SO HARD.

EVERY TIME WE GO OUT, GUYS GIVE YOU SO MUCH ATTENTION.

IT'S LIKE I'M INVISIBLE. NO ONE CAN EVEN SEE ME.

- THAT'S BECAUSE I'M BLOCKING OUT THE SUN.

- NO, IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GREAT STORY.

- TECHNICALLY, IT'S NOT MY BABY.

I'M CARRYING IT FOR MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND.

I MEAN, THEY TRIED EVERYTHING AND JUST COULDN'T GET PREGNANT.

IN THE END, SHE IS MY SISTER.

HOW COULD I NOT DO IT?

I DON'T KNOW. DOES THAT MAKE ME A SAINT?

IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SAY.

- AND YET YOU BROUGHT IT UP.

- SWEETIE, IT'S NOT A KNOCK ON YOU.

IT'S--I'M AN ODDITY.

I'M LIKE THE WOMAN WHO MARRIED THE EIFFEL TOWER

OR THE TODDLER WHO SMOKES A PACK A DAY.

- THAT'S MY POINT. I DON'T HAVE A GOOD STORY.

AND YOU NEED ONE. - NO, YOU DON'T.

- YOU DO. GUYS ARE SO A.D.D.

YOU HAVE TO CATCH THEIR ATTENTION QUICK.

YOU ARE THE PREGNANT SAINT,

AND I AM THE GRAD STUDENT WHOSE ONE EYE GOES IN A LITTLE.

- NO, IT DOESN'T.

WELL, IF YOU POINT IT OUT, IT KIND OF DOES.

- SHOULD I SAY I'M BISEXUAL?

I MEAN, THAT'S SHINY AND SEXY.

- ANNA PAQUIN SAID SHE'S BISEXUAL.

IT KIND OF MADE IT NOT INTERESTING ANYMORE.

- [softly scoffs]

- OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS?

I WILL JUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT,

AND I WILL HAVE ONE VIRGIN MARGARITA,

AND THEN I'LL GO BACK TO MY APARTMENT

AND WEIGH MYSELF AND THEN CRY A LITTLE

BEFORE I GO TO BED. - YOU'RE NICE.

WHAT? IS MY EYE GOING IN RIGHT NOW?

- MM-HMM. - I REALLY NEED TO DO

MY EXERCISES.

[upbeat music]

- THAT MUST BE IMPORTANT.

- OKAY, I KNOW THIS IS SUCH A CLICHE,

BUT IF I GET AN IDEA, I HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN,

OR I FORGET IT.

I'M WRITING A NOVEL.

I KNOW IT'S STUPID. - NO, THAT'S AMAZING.

I'M CASSIE.

- JORDAN.

- I'M ANNIE, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.

- CONGRATULATIONS. IS THIS YOUR FIRST?

- KIND OF.

REALLY, THERE IS NO STORY HERE.

- OKAY, NOW I'M INTERESTED.

- NO, SERIOUSLY, NOT IMPORTANT. - PLEASE.

- I'M A VIRGIN. - WHAT?

- WHAT? - WHAT?

OH, GOD, I'M SO SORRY. DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

I REALLY SHOULDN'T DRINK. I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

I GUESS NOW EVERYBODY KNOWS MY STORY.

- THAT'S YOUR STORY? - UH-HUH.

JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT GUY.

- YOU SHOULDN'T BE EMBARRASSED. I THINK IT'S KIND OF SWEET.

- GOOD NIGHT, ANNIE.

SORRY, THIS PLACE IS SUCH A FRAKKING MESS.

- "FRAKKING"? SOMEONE'S A BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FAN.

- WELL, I'VE SEEN A FEW EPISODES.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M OBSESSED OR ANYTHING.

- WHEN IT GOT CANCELED, I WROTE A LETTER EVERY DAY

FOR A MONTH. - OH, MY GODS.

I MISS IT SO MUCH.

both: SO SAY WE ALL. - [gasps]

- MAYBE WE SHOULD SLOW DOWN.

- WHAT? WHY?

OH, RIGHT.

IT'S OKAY. I THINK I'M READY.

- WOW.

UH, OKAY.

I GUESS WE NEED A CONDOM, THEN.

- RIGHT.

- I THINK I HAVE ONE IN MY WALLET.

- OW!

- ARE YOU OKAY? - MM-HMM.

I'M FINE.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT. LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE OVERWHELMED.

- NO, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I MEAN, IT IS, BUT... - CASSIE...

YOU'RE A NICE GIRL.

BUT WE MET AT A BAR.

THIS REALLY SHOULDN'T BE YOUR FIRST TIME.

WHY DON'T WE JUST SLOW IT DOWN?

- REALLY? - I'LL CALL YOU.

I PROMISE.

- ANNIE, IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS, AND HE STILL HASN'T CALLED.

- WELL, WHY DID YOU MAKE "VIRGIN" YOUR STORY?

- I DON'T KNOW-- I THOUGHT GUYS WERE INTO THAT,

LIKE A CONQUEST OR COLUMBUS DISCOVERING A NEW WORLD.

- TOO BAD INDIGENOUS PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY SETTLED THERE.

- I REALLY SCREWED THIS UP.

I FINALLY MEET THE PERFECT GUY,

AND HE'S AFRAID TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

- YOU ARE TOTALLY TWILIGHT.

- [gasps] SHE IS.

SHE'S BELLA, AND JORDAN'S EDWARD, HER VAMPIRE LOVER.

VAMPIRE PENISES WOULD BE COLD. - RIGHT?

- CASSIE, THERE ARE A MILLION REASONS

WHY HE HASN'T CALLED YET.

I BET HE'S NOT EVEN THAT FREAKED OUT.

- I FREAKED OUT.

- ZAH!

A HOT VIRGIN WHO'S INTO SCI-FI--

SERIOUSLY?

I WOULD HAVE CRAWLED IN THERE AND NEVER LEFT.

- I KNOW, BUT IT JUST FELT

LIKE SUCH A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY, YOU KNOW.

- THAT'S 'CAUSE IT IS.

VIRGINS ARE LIKE BABY DUCKS.

THEY IMPRINT ON YOU, AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

SHE'S FOLLOWING YOU AROUND EVERYWHERE--

ACROSS ROADS, INTO LAKES AND PONDS.

WHEN I WAS 16, I HOOKED UP WITH A VIRGIN.

SHE STILL CALLS ME TWICE A WEEK.

- WELL, I CAN'T JUST NOT CALL HER.

YOU KNOW, I LIKED HER. I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

both: [shouting]

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

- HEY, I DO.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM THAT WHEN YOU SAID

YOU WERE A VIRGIN, YOU MEANT YOUR OTHER VIRGINITY?

YOU KNOW. [clicks tongue]

- BRILLIANT-- A MISCOMMUNICATION.

- GUYS, THIS ISN'T FUNNY. I LIKE JORDAN.

- NO GUY WANTS TO BE THE FIRST.

- I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE, JAMES.

- TRUST ME. THAT GUY'S NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

- YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. IT'S YOUR DUTY.

A HOT 20-SOMETHING VIRGIN IN TODAY'S DAY AND AGE--

IT'S LIKE FINDING A UNICORN.

- EXCEPT SHE'S NOT A UNICORN.

SHE'S A DUCK. FORGET THE DUCK.

- BANG THE UNICORN. - FORGET THE DUCK.

- BANG THE UNICORN. [cell phone rings]

- SHE TEXTED ME.

- BEFORE YOU REPLY, CONSIDER THESE WORDS--

DON'T DO IT.

- HE SAYS HE'S SORRY HE HASN'T CALLED,

AND HE WANTS TO GET TOGETHER LATER...

TO TALK.

all: OH.

- REALLY?

- WELL, IT SAYS "TANK,"

BUT I THINK HE MEANS "TALK."

HE'S GONNA LET ME DOWN GENTLY, BECAUSE HE THINKS I'M A VIRGIN.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH?

HE'LL UNDERSTAND.

- OR HE'LL HATE ME BECAUSE I'M A CRAZY LIAR.

- OKAY, THAT'S JUST A CHANCE YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE.

- SO LISTEN, I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

IT'S JUST--

LOOK, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS.

- JORDAN, LISTEN, THERE'S--

THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

- I'M SORRY.

[scoffs] HE'S EARLY.

- WHO?

[horse softly snorts] - WHOA.

- THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE.

I WANTED TO TELL YOU

THAT I DO WANT TO BE THE ONE.

- YOU DO?

- I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOUR FIRST TIME REALLY SPECIAL.

- OH, CRAP.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

OLDER THAN I THOUGHT.

- UH, YEAH, I WAS REALLY EXCITED.

SORRY.

- I REALLY WISH HE WOULDN'T WINK.

AH! [horse whinnies]

- I JUST WANT THIS NIGHT TO BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ARE.

- I'M NOT A VIRGIN.

- WHAT? - WHOA.

- I LIED. - OH, BOY.

- OH, PLEASE, LIKE YOU'VE NEVER LIED?

JUST DRIVE. - THAT IS SO MESSED UP.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? - SORRY.

I JUST-- I JUST NEEDED A STORY.

- WHY WOULD YOU NEED ANY STORY?

- 'CAUSE WE LIVE IN A TWITTER WORLD.

YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HOOK SOMEBODY

IN 140 CHARACTERS OR LESS.

- THAT'S JUST CRAZY. - IS IT?

LOOK AT MY FRIEND ANNIE.

SHE'S GIGANTICALLY PREGNANT,

AND WHENEVER WE GO OUT, GUYS GIVE HER SO MUCH ATTENTION.

- YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO THE PREGNANT GIRL,

OTHERWISE YOU LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE.

- SO ANNIE WAS MY WINGMAN,

AND I JUST BLEW IT?

- PRETTY MUCH.

- [chuckles]

SO I GUESS THIS IS GOING IN YOUR NOVEL.

- YEAH, I'M NOT WRITING A NOVEL.

I JUST SAID THAT TO SOUND INTERESTING.

- YOU LIED TO ME.

SO YOU MADE UP A STORY TOO.

SEE, WE'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER.

WE'RE BOTH LIARS WHO HAVE HAD SEX BEFORE

AND WHO ARE BOTH BATTLESTAR FANS.

FRESH START, FRESH START,

LIKE WHEN ADMIRAL ADAMA

TOOK THE SPACE REFUGEES TO NEW EARTH?

- IT WASN'T A FRESH START, BECAUSE IT WAS IMPLIED

THAT THEY MATED WITH CAVEMEN,

WHO CREATED THE HUMAN RACE,

WHO WENT ON TO BUILD GIANT KILLER ROBOTS.

- I WOULD ARGUE THAT, YES, IT WAS A FRESH START.

PERHAPS MORE SATISFYING TO VIEWERS

THAN THE ACTUAL CHARACTERS, BUT STILL...

[elevator dings]

- GOOD MORNING, CARTER.

- HEY, KELL. - HEY.

THE BOSS WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.

- IT'S NOT EVEN 9:00 A.M. - THIS IS A LAW FIRM, CARTER.

YOU HAVE TO BE HERE BEFORE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE

AND STAY AFTER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

WHY DO YOU THINK I'M ALWAYS HERE WHEN YOU ARRIVE

AND WHEN YOU LEAVE?

- BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO LIFE. - EXACTLY.

BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE.

- GOOD MORNING, CARTER.

- MORNING.

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

- YES. HAVE A SEAT, CARTER.

I'M MAKING A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT THIS MORNING,

AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT FIRST.

- OH. WHY ME?

- BECAUSE YOU ARE DIRECTLY AFFECTED.

CARTER, YOU'RE A TERRIFIC ACCOUNTANT.

- THANK YOU.

- AND AS YOU KNOW, WE'RE PROBABLY THE LAST FIRM OUR SIZE

REQUIRING LAWYERS TO MANUALLY PRODUCE TIME SHEETS,

WHICH YOUR DEPARTMENT

THEN HAS TO MANUALLY COMPILE IN ORDER TO BILL OUR CLIENTS.

IT'S A COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME.

SO...

WE ARE FINALLY MOVING INTO THE FUTURE

AND GETTING AN A.T.S....

AUTOMATED TIMEKEEPING SYSTEM.

- AH.

- IT'S A SOFTWARE PROGRAM THAT ELIMINATES WORK

FOR OUR LAWYERS, SAVES OUR CLIENTS MONEY,

AND SAVES ME FROM HAVING TO EXPLAIN FOR THE 800TH TIME

WHY WE BILL FOR BILLING.

[laughing] I MEAN, IT'S...

- [chuckles awkwardly]

- THUS, WE DON'T NEED YOU TO DO THE JOB YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

- RIGHT.

SO WHAT WILL MY NEW JOB BE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

BUT...

I WILL CERTAINLY GIVE YOU A GLOWING RECOMMENDATION.

- JUDD. - HEY, MAN, WHERE ARE YOU?

- I'M IN THE MEN'S ROOM AT WORK.

- DUDE, YOU SOUND UPSET.

IS THIS FINALLY THE PHONE CALL WHERE YOU TELL ME YOU'RE GAY?

- I JUST GOT FIRED.

- OH, MAN, THAT SUCKS.

WELL, YOU'RE GOOD WITH NUMBERS AND WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO.

YOU'LL BOUNCE BACK. - REALLY?

ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED IN A MONTH?

DID YOU JUST MOVE INTO AN EXPENSIVE APARTMENT

WITH SOMEONE,

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL HER THAT YOU LOST YOUR JOB?

- NO, NO, COME ON, YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

OH!

- HELLO? - CALL ME BACK.

[toilet flushes]

- DID YOU HEAR?

- YOU REALLY GOT FIRED?

- YEAH. - OKAY, THAT BLOWS.

BUT LIZ WILL UNDERSTAND.

THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN THE BUSINESS WORLD.

IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A MAN.

IN FACT, THE TEST OF A MAN'S CHARACTER

ISN'T HOW HE HANDLES SUCCESS.

IT'S HOW HE HANDLES ADVERSITY.

- OH, KELL, THE BOSS WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.

- OH, MY GOD, NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO!

[woman moaning]

OH! OOH, YES! OH!

[moaning continues]

[woman giggles] OH, YES.

[moaning continues]

OOH, YES, YES, YES!

OHH! [laughs]

[moans]

[gasps] [buzzing]

[buzzing stops]

HI, HONEY. YOU'RE HOME EARLY.

- I THOUGHT...

I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH SOMEBODY.

- I WOULD NEVER.

- NO, I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT WAS JUST ALL THE--

ALL THE MOANING.

- OH, SO YOU HEARD ME?

- HONEY, I THINK ALL OF SAN FRANCISCO HEARD YOU,

MAYBE EVEN MARIN.

- OH, GOD, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

MY FRIENDS GAVE ME THE MASERATI OF VIBRATORS

AS A JOKE.

BUT, UM... - IT'S NO JOKE?

- NO, IT IS NOT.

- WOW, HOW AM I ONLY GETTING A LAME FISHING TRIP

FOR MY BACHELOR PARTY,

AND YOU GOT SEX TOYS IN MANHATTAN?

UM...

YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE...

MAYBE I SHOULD CANCEL THAT TRIP.

- IT'S THIS WEEKEND. WHY WOULD YOU CANCEL IT?

- TO SAVE MONEY.

- YOU ARE SAVING MONEY BY NOT HAVING STRIPPERS.

- LIZ, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

- I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING TOO.

- OKAY.

UM, YOU FIRST.

- I THINK...

I JUST HAD MY FIRST ORGASM.

- ARE YOU SAYING--

W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,

THAT YOU'VE BEEN FAKING ALL THIS TIME WITH ME?

- NO.

BUT I JUST REALIZED THAT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS ONE

ALL OF MY LIFE, NOT JUST WITH YOU,

BUT WITH ALL OF THE GUYS BEFORE YOU...

- NOT HELPING.

- MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN ONE.

- HMM.

[distant trolley bell ringing]

- CARTER, THIS IS A GOOD THING.

- IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A GOOD THING.

- NO.

SEE, NOW THAT I KNOW

WHAT ONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE,

I KNOW THAT WE'LL BE ABLE TO GET THERE AS WELL.

IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN ENJOYING IT WITH YOU.

IT'S LIKE AN "A" COMPARED TO AN A-PLUS.

SHOULD I NOT HAVE TOLD YOU?

- NO. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL EACH OTHER ANYTHING.

AND YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE,

DESERVE AN A-PLUS.

- YOU'RE THE BEST FIANCE EVER.

SO WHAT WAS YOUR NEWS?

- IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

- OH, COME ON, TELL ME.

- WELL, MY BOSS CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE...

AND SAID I'M A TERRIFIC ACCOUNTANT.

- HONEY.

OH, THAT IS SO GREAT.

MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE YOU A RAISE.

- MAYBE.

- SO I'VE BEEN REPLACED BY A MACHINE

AT WORK AND IN BED.

- AT LEAST IT WASN'T A GUY.

- A GUY I COULD COMPETE WITH.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH THE MASERATI OF VIBRATORS?

- YOU DON'T REQUIRE BATTERIES.

- IT'S NOT BATTERY-OPERATED.

IT PLUGS IN. - WHAT?

- YEAH, IT NEVER GETS TIRED.

IT CAN GO FOREVER. - OH, YOU GOT TROUBLE, MAN.

- THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

- IT'S NOT THAT DAMN BUNNY, IS IT?

'CAUSE MY EX-WIFE HAD ONE OF THOSE,

AND I STILL SAY IT'S WHY SHE DIDN'T CRY WHEN SHE LEFT ME.

- NO. NO, THAT I MIGHT HAVE RECOGNIZED.

THIS JUST LOOKED LIKE A-- LIKE A BACK MASSAGER.

AND THAT'S THE INSIDIOUS PART.

I MEAN, IT COULD BE LYING AROUND,

YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN NOTICE IT, AND THEN, BOOM, SHE TELLS YOU

IT'S BETTER IN BED THAN YOU ARE.

- YOU KNOW, LIZ CAN HAVE YOU WHENEVER SHE WANTS.

SHE DOESN'T NEED A DEVICE.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE FIRST THING

THAT SHOULD GO WHEN TWO PEOPLE MOVE IN TOGETHER,

JUST LIKE YOUR PORN HAS TO GO.

- IT DOES? - YES.

THEN WHEN YOU GET A DIVORCE,

YOU'VE GOT NO WOMAN AND NO PORN...

AND NOW NO JOB!

[ship horn blares]

- I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE ME. - OH, SHE'S NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU.

- BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB.

- I DON'T HAVE SOMEONE TO LOSE OVER LOSING MY JOB,

SO CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.

- YEAH, I DO.

AND I AM LUCKY.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY JOB WHILE I DON'T HAVE A JOB

IS TO BECOME AS GOOD IN BED AS THE MASERATI OF VIBRATORS.

- HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?

- BUSINESS 101-- KNOW YOUR COMPETITION.

[buzzing]

- NO HUMAN CAN MOVE THAT FAST.

- AND THAT WAS THE SLOW SPEED.

CHECK THIS OUT.

[louder buzzing]

PLUS, THERE ARE VARIOUS ATTACHMENTS,

DEPENDING WHAT SIZE AND THICKNESS--

- OKAY, OKAY. - YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE KILLING US, YOU KNOW THAT?

THIS ENTIRE PLACE IS MAKING MEN OBSOLETE.

- THESE TOYS ARE MODELED AFTER MEN.

ALL THEY DO IS SIMULATE SEX.

- YEAH, BUT WE CAN'T SIMULATE THESE TOYS

UNLESS WE'RE BEING ELECTROCUTED. - [grunting]

- HMM.

- NO, SERIOUSLY, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COMPETE

IF THEY KEEP GETTING FASTER AND MORE SOPHISTICATED?

- GET FASTER AND MORE SOPHISTICATED.

- OH, I WILL. YOU WATCH.

- HMM, I'D RATHER NOT.

- I DIDN'T MEAN LITERALLY.

- OKAY.

[doorbells chime]

- HEY, IS IT FUN WORKING HERE?

- I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

- NO, I'M ACTUALLY...

LOOKING FOR A JOB.

[buzzing]

- HEAT?

COME ON!

[sighs]

- HONEY?

- YEAH? - I HAVE TO GET TO WORK.

- BUT YOU DIDN'T-- - THAT'S OKAY.

- NO. NO, IT'S NOT.

WHAT--WHAT CAN I DO?

- YOU WANT TO TAKE THE MASERATI OUT AND DRIVE THIS HOME?

- [sighs]

SO I'M--I'M, WHAT, THE--THE FLUFFER?

OH.

- WELL, WITH THIS RESUME,

WE SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM FINDING YOU A JOB.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR EXACTLY?

- ANYTHING. I'M VERY "AMBITHITH."

- EXCUSE ME?

- "AMBITHITH."

I'M KIND OF A "PERFECTHINITH."

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- I THINK I-I "THPRAINED" MY TONGUE.

- AND HERE I THOUGHT IT WAS AN INJURY-FREE SPORT.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?

WE SHOULD GIVE IT A NAME, LIKE TENNIS ELBOW.

- DON'T GIVE IT A NAME. - CARPAL "TONGUAL"?

- ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF? 'CAUSE I HAD A BAD MORNING.

- THERE WILL BE OTHER HEADHUNTERS.

- I DON'T CARE ABOUT HEADHUNTERS.

MY FIANCEE IS HAVING

THE BEST SEX OF HER LIFE WITHOUT ME.

SHE PREFERS AN APPLIANCE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL?

- DOES SHE?

COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT...

TO WOMEN.

THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF

AND BE A BETTER LISTENER AND...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

- HEY, LOVE, HOW YOU FEELING AFTER YOUR BREAKUP

WITH RANGERS FORWARD TYLER PERLING?

- UH, I'M DELIGHTED.

I JUST LOST 200 POUNDS OF DOUCHE BAG.

- SO TYLER SAID YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN TALK TO GHOSTS.

- YEAH, AND TYLER ALSO SAID THAT HE COULD BE FAITHFUL

AND HE LED HIS TEAM IN ASSISTS.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.

- HEY. I WAS WATCHING THAT.

- I WANT TO WATCH THIS.

- DO YOU WANT SOME HELP WARMING UP?

- OH, YEAH. - YOU WANT TO WATCH PORN?

- YEAH.

YEAH, IT, UH...

HELPS ME GET IN THE MOOD.

AND LIKE YOU SAID...

WHATEVER WORKS.

[upbeat sultry music]

- YEAH, I GUESS I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

- HUH? - YEAH, WHY NOT?

SHOULD I PULL OUT THE MASERATI?

- YEAH. WHY NOT?

[buzzing]

- I LOVE YOU! - I LOST MY JOB!

[buzzing stops] - WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

- "I LOVE YOU TOO"?

- YOU LOST YOUR JOB TODAY?

- I LOST MY JOB MONDAY.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?

- I TRIED TO, BUT YOU WERE...

AND...

YOU KNOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU.

- I DON'T NEED YOU TO SUPPORT ME.

- YEAH, BUT I'M THE GUY.

AND I'M ABOUT TO BE THE HUSBAND.

- AND I'M ABOUT TO BE THE WIFE,

WHICH MEANS, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL,

THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE FAITH IN YOU

AND STAND BY YOU AND REMIND YOU

IN TIMES LIKE THIS THAT...

YOU WERE TOP OF YOUR CLASS.

YOU'RE GONNA FIND ANOTHER JOB.

- WELL, I HAVE A TEMP JOB.

- SEE?

WHAT IS IT?

- TO BE BETTER IN BED

THAN THAT DAMN MASERATI.

[man whistles]

[men humming]

- GOING FISHING - WE'RE GOING FISHING

- GONNA GET SOME FISH - GONNA PICK 'EM UP

- GONNA FISH IT UP - GONNA FISH IT OUT

- JUDD, BABY,

ABOUT THIS BACHELOR PARTY,

SHOULD WE ESTABLISH SOME GROUND RULES?

- NO, I TOLD YOU, THIS IS A LAME FISHING TRIP.

- WELL, YOU SEE, I THOUGHT THAT WAS CODE

FOR DRUNKEN DEBAUCHERY WITH STRIPPERS

SHOOTING STRAWBERRIES OUT OF THEIR HOO-HAS.

- NO, SADLY, IT'S CODE FOR LAME FISHING TRIP.

- SINCE WHEN DO WE FLY ACROSS COUNTRY

FOR A G-RATED BACHELOR PARTY?

- SINCE CARTER LOST HIS JOB AND NEEDS A LITTLE CHEERING UP.

- I THINK STRIPPERS WOULD CHEER HIM UP.

- APPARENTLY, LIZ TOLD CARTER IF HE HAD STRIPPERS,

THE WEDDING WAS OFF.

- SEE?

RIGHT THERE-- THAT IS WHY YOU'RE GETTING ME

A "BETTER DEAD THAN WED" TATTOO RIGHT HERE.

IT'S GONNA SWIRL AROUND ON THE RING FINGER.

- OH, HELL, YEAH.

THEN YOU CAN SEE STRIPPERS

SHOOTING STRAWBERRIES OUT OF THEIR HOO-HAS

ANYTIME YOU LIKE.

- WHAT'S UP WITH YOU AND THE STRAWBERRIES, COLLEEN?

- IT'S JUST THE KIND OF THING I'VE HEARD HAPPENS.

- WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER THAT?

- BECAUSE IT WAS DISTURBING, BOWMAN.

I HAD TO SHARE IT WITH SOMEBODY.

- WE HAVE A CODE. - OH, YEAH, A CODE.

- OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, PULL OVER TO THE CURB.

- WHAT? WHY? - PULL THE CAR

OVER TO THE CURB. - THIS IS FIRST CLASS ONLY.

- LOOK WHO'S HERE.

- HERE YOU GO, MA'AM.

- HEY, IT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

- WHO ARE WE LOOKING AT? I'M LOST.

- JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. - FROM FACTS OF LIFE?

- NO. NO. THAT'S TOOTIE.

FROM PARTY OF FIVE-- JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT.

- OH.

- ALSO FROM MY CELEBRITY-EXEMPTION LIST.

- WHAT'S THAT--A REALITY SHOW? I'M LOST AGAIN.

- IT'S A MARRIED THING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE LIST OF FIVE OR SO FAMOUS PEOPLE

YOU GET TO SLEEP WITH IF YOU EVER GET THE CHANCE.

- RIGHT, AND IT'S NOT CONSIDERED CHEATING, 'CAUSE IT'S EXEMPT.

IT'S EXEMPT. - I KNOW, HONEY.

- OKAY. - SO WHO'S ON YOUR LIST?

- FIRST, OF COURSE, THERE'S JOHNNY DEPP.

AND THEN THERE'S--I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE HIS NAME--

JAVI-AY, JAVIER "BARDEEM"?

- WHAT DO I DO HERE, SERIOUSLY?

- DENZEL. - THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

DO I GO OVER AND TALK TO HER?

I MEAN, WHAT DO I-- I'M LIKE,

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING? CAN I--"

WHAT DO I SAY?

- JUST SAY GOOD-BYE. SHE JUST WALKED IN.

- OKAY, SHOULD I GO AFTER HER?

COME ON. - YES. YES, RUN AFTER HER.

GO. GO.

- YOU DON'T THINK I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN, DO YOU?

- NOT REALLY, BABY, NO.

- YEAH, NEITHER DO I.

- MY PROBLEM IS THAT WE'RE GOING TO MIAMI.

THERE'S HOT BABES EVERYWHERE, EXCEPT FOR AT SEA

WHEN YOU'RE STUCK ON A BOAT WITH FOUR DUDES AND A COOLER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SIR, COULD YOU KEEP MOVING, PLEASE?

WE NEED TO GET EVERYONE INTO THEIR SEATS.

- YEAH. YEAH, SURE. SORRY.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE CONTACT.

- YOU HAVE YET TO MAKE EYE CONTACT.

- AND IT'S-- IT'S AN OVERNIGHT FLIGHT.

- OH, CASANOVA.

- I MEAN, LOOK, I'LL ADMIT THERE ARE SOME CHALLENGES.

- YOU THINK?

- I MEAN, THERE'S, YOU KNOW, THE CLASS DIFFERENCE.

- FIRST CLASS/COACH OR CELEBRITY/NOBODY?

- AND, UH...

SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND.

UH... HOCKEY PLAYER. PERLING.

- NEW YORK RANGERS PERLING? - YEAH.

- PUT SOME DUDE IN THE HOSPITAL LAST WEEK.

- RIGHT. SO THERE'S THAT.

- IF YOU END UP BEATEN TO A PULP BY A HOCKEY STICK,

YOU DID BETTER WITH HER THAN ANYONE EXPECTED.

- WOULD IT KILL YOU TO JUST BE

A LITTLE BIT MORE POSITIVE ABOUT THIS?

- OH, I'M POSITIVE.

I'M SO POSITIVE, I'M GONNA SIT IN THE MIDDLE SEAT,

SO YOU CAN GET IN AND OUT

FOR HOT SEX WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT.

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. - HUH.

OKAY, SO, SERIOUSLY, LET'S SAY YOU DO THIS,

YOU SEDUCE JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

BETWEEN L.A. AND MIAMI... - YEAH.

- DO YOU REALLY THINK COLLEEN WOULD BE OKAY WITH THAT?

- YEAH, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE LIST.

IT'S SANCTIONED. - BUT, AND CORRECT ME

IF I'M WRONG, ISN'T THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THE LIST

THAT IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN?

- PROBABLY NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

UNLESS ALL THE STARS ALIGN

AND YOU FIND YOURSELF

ON A FLIGHT WITH YOUR FIRST AND ONLY CELEBRITY

ON YOUR FRICKIN' LIST.

- I THOUGHT YOU GOT FIVE PEOPLE.

- NO, I DON'T NEED FIVE. ALL I NEED IS LOVE.

I GOT TO TRY THIS. I KNOW IT'S A LONG SHOT.

BUT I OWE IT TO A FAT KID FROM PHILLY WHO HAD A POSTER

OF JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IN HIS ROOM.

- YOU HAD ME AT "FAT KID."

- SO HOW DO I DO THIS FROM COACH?

- SEND HER A DRINK.

- [laughs] WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, SHE'S GOT TO BE DRUNK

TO SLEEP WITH ME? - IT WOULD NOT HURT.

LOOK, YOU'RE OUT OF THE LOOP, JUDD.

I'M STILL OUT THERE.

AND WOMEN, EVEN NON-CELEBRITY WOMEN,

NEED AT LEAST TWO DRINKS TO SLEEP WITH...

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME.

- HEY, CAN WE FOCUS? LET'S FOCUS.

- GOOD IDEA. OKAY.

AH.

- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

BUY HER A WATCH? - OR SOME OTHER KIND OF CRAP.

READING GLASSES. - NO.

- OH, THIS BUTTERFLY PENDANT IS NICE.

LOOK AT THAT-- SWAROVSKI CRYSTAL.

- NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T BUY JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

A $29 NECKLACE. - WHAT HAVE YOU COME UP WITH?

- WELL, I KNOW SHE LIKES TATTOOS.

AND I'M A TATTOO ARTIST. I COULD SKETCH HER SOMETHING.

- I LOVE IT. I'D SLEEP WITH YOU.

- YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT ON MY LIST.

- YOU'RE GONNA DRAW IT ON A BARF BAG?

- I JUST NEED YOU TO STOP TALKING TO ME FOR A WHILE.

I NEED TO BE COMPLETELY IN THE ZONE.

- EXCUSE ME. I HAVE THAT SEAT.

[baby crying]

- THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP.

- IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT.

- [silently] [baby continues crying]

[baby crying]

- NOT GETTING MARRIED. NOT HAVING CHILDREN.

- HE CAN'T CRY THE WHOLE TIME.

- NO, MY FRIEND, HE CAN, AND HE WILL.

- I'M SO SORRY. HE JUST WANTS HIS MOTHER.

- YOU'RE NOT HIS MOTHER? - NO, I'M HIS NANNY.

HIS MOTHER'S IN FIRST CLASS.

SHE WANTS TO SLEEP.

- SO THE REST OF US MUST SUFFER.

- OH!

FORGET IT. I GIVE UP.

- NO, YOU DO NOT.

LET'S TRY ITSY, BITSY SPIDER AGAIN.

HE LIKED THAT THE FIRST COUPLE HUNDRED TIMES.

- NO, THE DREAM IS DEAD. WHO AM I KIDDING?

I CAN'T EVEN GET INTO FIRST CLASS TO USE THE JOHN.

MY WHOLE PLAN IS... - ROSE, I'VE BEEN WAITING

FOR THEM TO TURN OFF THE "FASTEN SEAT BELT" SIGN,

BUT WITH THIS TURBULENCE...

OH, HI, SWEETIE.

MOMMY'S HERE. HE HASN'T STOPPED, HAS HE?

- WHAT DID YOU SAY? I'VE LOST MY HEARING.

- MA'AM, YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR SEAT.

- OKAY, I WILL. I JUST--

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRADE SEATS WITH ME?

- YOU'RE GIVING UP YOUR FIRST-CLASS SEAT?

- YEAH, YOU SEE, THE THING IS,

I'M SITTING NEXT TO JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT,

AND SHE KEPT SAYING, "WHY DOESN'T

THAT POOR BABY'S MOTHER DO SOMETHING?"

AND I KEPT SAYING, "I KNOW."

THEN I FINALLY ADMITTED THAT IT MIGHT BE MY BABY.

SO I CAN'T GO BACK THERE.

I DEFINITELY CAN'T SUBJECT HER TO HIS WRATH.

- HOW GOOD A FRIEND AM I?

- I DON'T KNOW. I'M WAITING TO SEE.

- HE'LL TAKE YOUR SEAT.

- AND I'M GONNA OWE YOU BOTH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

- DON'T FORGET YOUR BARF BAG. - NO, NO, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

HEY.

DO I TAKE OFF MY WEDDING RING? - I DON'T KNOW. YOU TELL ME.

- UH, NO.

NO, 'CAUSE THEN IT FEELS LIKE CHEATING, AND IT'S NOT CHEATING,

'CAUSE IT'S EXEMPT. - SANCTIONED.

- YEAH.

- SIR, THE "FASTEN SEAT BELT" SIGN

IS STILL ILLUMINATED.

AND THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR SEAT.

- THE WOMAN WHO WAS THERE, UH, TRADED SEATS WITH ME,

'CAUSE I WAS SITTING WITH HER BABY.

- THAT WAS HER BABY?

WILL YOU PLEASE JUST TELL THAT WOMAN

THAT SHE CAN COME BACK AND BRING HER BABY IF SHE WANTS?

- NO. SHE DOESN'T WANT.

SHE, UM--HER NANNY'S BACK THERE, SO...

YOU CAN ASK HER YOURSELF. IT'S--IT'S 21-C.

- THERE WE GO. I JUST NEED TO GET MY...

THERE WE GO. [grunts]

JUDD. JUDD ROUSCHER.

- JENNIFER. - YES, I KNOW.

- SO THAT--THAT BABY WAS CRYING FOR, LIKE, THE LAST...

- OH, 2 HOURS AND 24 MINUTES.

- I FEEL LIKE CRYING LIKE THAT SOMETIMES ON PLANES.

I HATE TURBULENCE.

MY BOYFRIEND USED TO HAVE TO HOLD MY...

[gasps]

HAND.

IT FIGURES THE SECOND I BREAK UP WITH HIM,

I'M ON THE FLIGHT FROM HELL.

- OH, SO YOU GUYS JUST BROKE UP, HUH?

- YEAH, DON'T YOU READ THE TABLOIDS?

THAT'S WHY I CUT MY HAIR. IT'S MY BREAKUP BOB.

- OH.

- YEAH, HE WAS A HOCKEY PLAYER.

HIS GAME WENT TO CRAP, AND APPARENTLY IT WAS MY FAULT,

EVEN THOUGH HE'S THE ONE WHO CHEATED.

ANYHOW, I AM DONE WITH... [gasps]

ATHLETES.

YOU'RE NOT AN ATHLETE, ARE YOU?

- NO, BUT THANKS FOR PRETENDING THAT'S EVEN A POSSIBILITY.

I AM A, UH...

A, UH, TATTOO ARTIST. - COOL.

I-I LOVE TATTOOS.

- OH, LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S NICE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S SANSKRIT.

- [gasps]

- UH...

LOOK, IF YOU-- YOU WANT TO HOLD MY HAND,

YOU CAN IF IT'LL HELP.

OR NOT.

- YOU'RE MARRIED, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- OKAY, WELL, MAYBE JUST UNTIL THEY TURN

THE--THE SEAT BELT SIGN OFF.

ALTHOUGH EVERY MARRIED GUY I KNOW CHEATS.

HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED?

- NO, NOT YET--

UH, NOT EVER, I MEAN. [chuckles]

AND I-I'VE BEEN, UH, MARRIED FOUR YEARS NOW.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- SO WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

HOW DO YOU STAY FAITHFUL?

- UM, I LOVE MY WIFE.

AND--AND, UM, SHE'S REALLY COOL.

AND WE TOTALLY TRUST EACH OTHER.

AND ALSO...

THERE'S THIS LIST THAT--THAT WE HAVE, UM,

OF PEOPLE THAT WE ARE ALLOWED TO CHEAT ON EACH OTHER WITH,

YOU KNOW, IF WE EVER GET THE CHANCE.

BUT WE'LL NEVER GET THAT CHANCE

BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE CELEBRITIES.

AND, ANYHOO, UH...

[laughs] IT--IT JUST MAKES, UM, MONOGAMY SEEM MORE DOABLE,

BUT THAT WOULDN'T WORK FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A CELEBRITY,

SO YOU CAN SLEEP WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT.

- YEAH, JUST THE OTHER NIGHT, I RANG UP GEORGE CLOONEY.

- [laughing] OH.

NO. OKAY.

I THOUGHT... - SO WHO'S FIRST ON YOUR LIST--

ANGELINA?

- OH, NO, I'D RATHER NOT SAY.

- UH, I LET YOU HOLD MY HAND.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY?

PENELOPE CRUZ? COME ON.

- YOU... - WHAT?

- ARE. - REALLY?

- YEAH. - I'M NOT FIRST

ON ANYONE'S LIST ANYMORE.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST-- IT'S FANTASY FOOTBALL.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S NEVER REALLY GONNA BE A GAME,

SO IT'S JUST KIND OF FUN TO THINK ABOUT...

NOT THAT I'M THINKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE I'M NOT.

YOU WANT ME TO GET THIS LADY BACK HERE

WITH THE SCREAMING BABY, 'CAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU,

I AM DEFINITELY NOT ON YOUR LIST.

- WELL, I DON'T-- I DON'T HAVE A LIST.

- 'CAUSE YOU DON'T NEED A LIST.

- I HAVE A-A TO-DO LIST, THOUGH.

- GOOD, OKAY, SO THAT-- - AS IN PLACES I WOULD LIKE

TO DO IT. - WAIT, WHAT?

- AND GUESS WHAT'S FIRST ON MY TO-DO LIST?

- I-I DON'T KNOW.

- ON AN AIRPLANE.

- OH.

I LEFT SOMETHING BACK AT MY SEAT.

OH, MY GOD. BOWMAN.

- SHH.

- LEAVE THE BABY. LEAVE THE BABY.

- YOU NEED A CONDOM?

- SHH. - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- NO, SHE SAID SHE ALWAYS WANTED

TO DO IT ON A PLANE. - OH!

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT SEAT.

- OKAY, SO WHAT DO I DO? - UNWRAP IT AND PUT IT ON YOUR--

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT IF COLLEEN DOESN'T UNDERSTAND?

- SHE SAID SHE WAS GAME.

AND WORST COMES TO WORST, THE FAT KID FROM PHILLY

FINALLY GOT HIS SHOT AT JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT.

AND NOW I FINALLY GET A SHOT AT COLLEEN.

- THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED OFF

THE "FASTEN SEAT BELT" SIGN.

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE CABIN.

- GO MOVE ABOUT THE CABIN, BABY.

- UM, THAT'S KIND OF ON MY TO-DON'T LIST.

- RIGHT.

UH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SO I'M--I'M-- I'M OFF TO THE LAVATORY.

- OKAY.

- I WASN'T DREAMING ABOUT WHAT WE'RE--

- YEAH, JUST YOU GO FIRST. - RIGHT. OKAY.

[chuckles]

HERE I GO.

- OKAY.

- [laughs]

- WOW. THIS IS...

- IT'S TIGHT IN HERE. - YOU THINK?

I SHOULD HAVE WORKED OUT MORE THAN ONCE LAST YEAR.

- HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?

- UH...

OH, GOD, I DROPPED THE CONDOM.

- CAN YOU REACH IT? - UH, WITH MY FOOT MAYBE.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR SEATS

AND KEEP YOUR SEAT BELTS FASTENED.

- SHOULD WE RETURN TO OUR SEATS?

- YEAH, IS THAT OKAY?

- YEAH.

I MEAN, I'M PRETTY SURE NEVER HAVING SEX

WITH THE FIRST AND ONLY PERSON ON MY LIST

BEATS BAD SEX WITH THE FIRST AND ONLY PERSON ON MY LIST.

- WAIT. I'M--I'M THE ONLY?

WHAT THE HELL? A QUICKIE?

- YEAH.

- MAYBE IF WE JUST, UM... - UM...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE,

EVEN IF THAT ISN'T CHEATING.

- WELL, NOW I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

[laughter]

- YEAH, I AM MOST ATTRACTIVE

WHEN I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

- COULD I JUST LIE AND SAY THAT WE DID?

- ISN'T THAT SUPPOSED TO BE MY LINE?

- IT'LL JUST DRIVE MY EX CRAZY

TO READ ABOUT ME AND SOME GUY ON A PLANE.

- YEAH, JUST DON'T USE MY NAME,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT COLLEEN TO--

ALTHOUGH EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD JUST GO--

- YEAH, I-I WON'T.

- JUDD ROUSCHER.

R-O-U-S-C-H-E-R.

- OH, BYE, LITTLE DOODLEBUG. BYE, DOODLEBUG.

- I'M GONNA GET YOU TO DO THIS TATTOO.

- ABSOLUTELY.

- BYE. - BYE.

YOU SAW THAT, RIGHT?

- YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW?

A MAN WHO WAS IN THE BATHROOM WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

FOR 57 SECONDS-- I TIMED IT.

- YEAH, WELL, MORE IMPORTANTLY,

"I FINALLY GET A SHOT AT COLLEEN"?

- OH. - WHAT WAS THAT?

I MEAN, ARE YOU LUSTING AFTER MY WIFE?

IS THAT WHY YOU HANG OUT WITH US?

- WHAT CAN I SAY? SHE'S FIRST ON MY LIST.

SHE'S COOL.

- YEAH, SHE IS COOL. SHE'S VERY COOL.

AND SHE'S ABOUT TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO HER COOL HUSBAND.

- YOU'RE GOING TO TELL HER YOU BLEW IT WITH HEWITT?

- COLLEEN?

HEY, WERE YOU SLEEPING, HONEY?

YOU'RE STILL AT JACE'S PARTY?

WELL, GUESS WHO I JUST SAT NEXT TO ON THE PLANE TO MIAMI.

YES.

SHE WAS IN FIRST CLASS. SO WAS I.

THIS WOMAN ASKED ME TO SWITCH SEATS WITH HER,

AND I GOT THE CHANCE TO JOIN THE MILE-HIGH CLUB

WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT.

YEAH, AND I DIDN'T. I--NO, IT HAPPENED.

IT HAPP--ASK BOWMAN. IT HAPPENED.

AND I REFRAINED, HONEY, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

WHAT DO YOU--WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S TOO BAD?

- WHAT'S TOO BAD?

- JOHNNY DEPP WAS NOT AT THE PARTY.

- JOHNNY DEPP WAS AT THE PARTY? - NO.

OH, REALLY? OH, IN THE CABANA, HUH?

- SHE'S JOKING. - OF COURSE SHE'S JOKING.

YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT, COLLEEN?

COLLEEN?

COLLEEN?

- COLLEEN!

- OH, GOD, NO.

I WOULD NEVER TAKE MONEY FOR BEING A SURROGATE.

THE ONLY PAYMENT I NEED

IS KNOWING THAT I'M HELPING MY SISTER.

YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, YOU KNOW?

- FASCINATING.

- I'M SEEING SOMEONE.

- WAIT. WHAT--WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

[gasps] WAS I YOUR WINGMAN?

- SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS A NEW STORY.

- DAMN.

- DO YOU GUYS TAKE CREDIT CARDS?

- WELL, HI, BOSS.

- OKAY.

UH, HEY, NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN,

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR JOB BACK.

- OH, I DON'T WANT MY JOB BACK. I LIKE IT HERE.

YOUR PLEASURE IS MY PLEASURE,

WHICH IS WHY I CAN'T LET YOU BUY PINK, FURRY HANDCUFFS.

I MEAN, THESE SAY I WANT TO DOMINATE YOU IN A CUTE WAY,

AND YOU CAN'T DOMINATE IN A CUTE WAY.

YOU'RE THE MAN. SHOW HER WHO'S IN CHARGE, HUH?

- KELL, STOP YAPPING AND RING HIM UP ALREADY.

- SORRY. THAT'LL BE $27.50.

- HEY, CAN I SEE THAT WHIP?

- COLLEEN, JOHNNY DEPP HAS A WIFE AND KIDS

AND LIVES IN PARIS.

YES, I WAS ON THE INTERNET. IF YOU CAN--

JUST ADMIT THAT YOU WERE JOKING SO I CAN ENJOY MY TIME WITH--

COLLEEN? COLLEEN?

I LOST HER AGAIN. - COLLEEN!