Original subtitles

-A Pop original series.

- We will beat you in the aerobics finals!

Your wife has been cheating on you, Barry.

I will sell you half of Fitness By Force. It's like hedging your bets.

- You betrayed me?!

- What's this? - Um, I'm rehearsing my finals performance.

- So show me what you got.

- Yeah! Oh, yeah!

- Stop!

What is it gonna take for you two to stay on your marks?!

- I just heard a toilet flush. The biggest toilet in the world!

This went down that toilet. That's what I heard. Did everyone hear it?

- I-I heard the toilet. - Yeah! Yeah, I bet you did.

- Since this is gonna be on TV, I feel like his brawn-ter is gonna be a little strong.

- We are one hour from show time,

and it has never taken this long to rehearse.

The intro must be perfect!

- If fat Joe is standing in front of me,

no one's gonna be able to see me.

He's like a human pot-bellied eclipse!

- That's not fair. You're exaggerating slightly.

- Barry Manilow. Barry Sanders. Barry the Cable Guy.

That's a short list of better Barrys!

- Strawberry, blueberry, best Barry!

- You just look stupid. - See how rude he is?

- There is no fighting in aerobics!

You said that in your speech last night.

- Yeah, I was hallucinating! - You two stay on your marks,

or My Little Pony here is gonna kick your gymnasiums out!

- I don't care what happens to any of you after this.

I just need to see smiles,

molar-to-molar smiles!

- Alright, you've heard her. We'll take it from the midpoint.

She would fellate a porcupine to get her way.

I'm not even joking, so don't upset her.

- Hey, I hate you.

- We should all listen to the Vanslootens, because they run this event.

But you should listen to me, because if you don't, I'll fire you.

- You can't fire us. - Oh, he didn't tell you?

- You shut your mouth, or I'll wipe my big ass with your giant forehead!

- Joe sold half of Fitness by Force to Claudia.

I own half of you.

- That's illegal and racist, dawg. - Yeah. Nice try, orange guy.

Our kick-ass captain wouldn't play us like that, right?

- Cue the music! Three, two, one!

- That's why I'm donating your $8 million inheritance

to the winning gym of the Competitive Aerobics Championships.

- What are you doing?! Turn that off!

- Barry's in their heads. Trust me! I had to explain everything!

- There's prize money up in this competition?

- The Colonel's got millions of dollars.

- Claudia owns half of Fitness by Force?

- You sold half our gym to Claudia?!

- Everybody, just calm down, alright?

We needed her money to get here.

Oh, if we win today, everybody gets a six-figure bonus.

- Oh, money, money, money, money!

- But our run to finals was about team and family,

beating a common enemy.

- This money has nothing to do with you.

- I don't care about the money, Janet.

Good luck winning without me.

- Aw, c'mon, T-rex. - You had no right selling our gym!

- Okay, it looks like Barry and Claudia are done,

so my plan was to get her and her money to come back to our family.

- And how are you planning on winning without a full team? - I don't know.

- Do you want me to dance mixed pairs with you? - No.

- I know the routine. I know it. I could do it.

- No, I am not dancing with my mother!

- I know it.

- Calm, resting heart rate

directly correlated with top-tier athletes.

Let's check out little piggy number one.

What's wrong with this squiggly little piggy? Do we have a little flutter?

You have 30 seconds to lower your heart rate, or you'll be replaced.

Lower it!!

Put your hand on my heart. Feel it.

That is the heart rate of a champion,

controlled by a brain that has pre-visualized

every outcome and every variable of every possible situation.

Drop your hand. Only touch me when I ask you to.

Now, who's gonna rub me down in Ben-Gay?

- You two-faced, skanky waif!

You toy with my hapless son like he's some sort of inbred corgi.

You make a deal to steal half of my husband's money,

and you think that I'm simply going to let that go?

I will spend my remaining years

enacting a slow but painful revenge

that will end with you nibbling off your own fingers in an insane asylum.

- I might have a slightly more mutually beneficial plan.

Barry found out about my investment in your gym.

Right now, he's probably plotting to leave me, sue me,

and hire a private investigator to track me.

All I have left is my investment in Force.

And I actually really believe Joe could win this thing.

- You... really think that Joe could win?

- Wanna... have some wine and talk about it?

- Hmm.

Chardonnay.

- Tina, wait, wait, wait, wait! Just wait! Just listen. I just...

Sorry, can we have the room for a minute?

- This is supposed to be our room.

- Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be a rock star, okay? Get out!

We are this close, this close,

to getting everything that we worked so hard for,

and if you leave now, we are screwed. I have to dance with my mom.

Please don't make me dance with my mom. - Put yourself in my shoes, Joe.

- I need you. I don't even care about the money.

I don't even care about winning. I just...

I just want to dance with you.

- One condition. - Anything.

- Stop talking to that controlling,

power-hungry, only-cares-about-herself bitch.

- I get it, but she's my mom. - No, I'm talking about Claudia.

- Oh. Okay, deal. No more Claudia.

- Claudia is fully on Team Force now!

- Dammit! - She has a great plan! Oh, my God!

- Just wait.

Just stay until the end of the finals, and then we'll figure it out.

- Okay. I'm back in.

- What did I miss? - Everything is so messy.

- All dancers report to the stage for places.

- Come on!

- I thought this was good news.

- Welcome to the finals!

The 2018 Competitive Aerobics Championships!

- I've got this, fatso. - Hope you die.

- Wow! Another fabulous intro.

- I'm your co-host, Kathy Vanslooten.

And this, of course, is my attractive - not as much as he used to be -

but fabulous husband, Mr. Bill Vanslooten.

- Thank you, my four-year-older wife. - Oh, shhh.

- We have four categories this evening. -

- The scores are out of 100.

Judges are allowed to give up to 40 points

for technical compulsories and up to 60 points for flair.

First team up is Fitness by Force.

Could you do that? - Not anymore.

- It's an 84 out of 100.

A lot of room for improvement, but not a bad start.

- No, not bad at all. Well, up next is the Metrix team.

There's a sexual component to this that I find fascinating.

A 91!

This Metrix team is gonna be tough to beat.

- Yes!!

Alright!!

- Brrr! I'm about to lose my mind because of all the excitement!

- Oh, don't do that, dear.

You haven't sold enough time shares for us to comfortably retire.

And we need a little bit of your mind left

for the excitement and anticipation

of what's coming next at the CAC Finals.

- This one's about climate change. - It gives me hope.

It's an 87. - A truly inspiring performance by young Mr. Snacks.

- And young Chad scores an 84.

Mr. Cross will not be happy with that.

- No. I once saw him eat an exercise bicycle.

- Come on, how do it feel?! How did it feel out there?!

Did it feel like something good, 'cause it was shit!! It was such shit!

You failedme.

You... you failed.

- Well, he kind of deserved it.

Yeah yeah

- Who does he think he is?

Are they liking this?

They're liking this. They're liking this.

- You like it bendy. - Yeah.

- Wow. Wow. - Wow. Wow!

Talk about chemistry! Those two had a genuine spark.

- 88. Much better than Barry Cross and his mixed-pairs partner.

She had a Stockholm Syndrome look in her eye,

which is why they only scored an 83.

Coming next, the excitement of the CAC finals,

the singles performances.

- Okay, we're up by one.

There's just one performance left: the solos.

- Joe, why does Barry have a jukebox?

- And why is he wearing the same costume as yours?

- This is a terrible coincidence.

- Oh, he knows what he's doing.

- Yessiree, and I like to see him do it.

- Oh, keep it in your pants!

- Oh, look at him.

How did Barry get your routine?

- Claudia came to my room last night. - No way!

I helped you with that routine every night for weeks,

and you just gave it away to the enemy?

- Whoa!

- That is the most impressive aerobics move I have ever seen.

- That's how you do it, America.

That is gonna be hard to beat.

Barry Cross's score is in.

It is an impressive 93 out of 100.

- Joe Force will need a miracle to catch up to Barry's performance!

- I hope Claudia's flat, white booty was worth millions of dollars.

- Oh... just as planned.

Flowers, gold medal,

and the money.

- Two-timing piece of fucking shit!

I'm gonna fucking rip her fucking tits out!

I'm gonna fucking rip her fucking tits out! You trashy, fake piece of shit!

You trashy, fake piece of shit!

Oh, I could choke her out!

But she'd like it.

- Okay, let's... let's go have some herbal tea or something.

- I'm sorry, everyone. I almost got carried away there.

- Oh, do not apologize. That was amazing.

You trying to kill Claudia with your shoe was touching.

Joe Force, report to the stage. - We're screwed.

You have to match Barry's score to win and you don't even have a routine.

- Oh, my God, you're right.

We're gonna lose.

Of course. Of course this is what happens.

We're gonna lose because that's... that's who I am!

I'm a loser.

So if I'm gonna lose, I'm gonna go down big.

I'm gonna go in a blaze of glory.

I'm gonna give the greatest losing performance anyone has ever seen.

Holy shit, I'm gonna win.

- What just happened?

- What did just happen?

Uh, guys...

I know I failed you a lot in the past,

but I have never failed an audience.

Barry may have stolen my routine,

but... I'm gonna steal the show.

- What are you gonna do?

- What I do best.

Get me my jean jacket.

- Alright. - And, Snacks...

...find me a piano.

- Cool.

- Joe Force, report to the stage.

Oh daddy dear you know with your life

But girls you're still number one

Oh girls they anna have fun

- It's a classic.

Oh, it takes me back.

- Singing's illegal. That's a violation. That's a violation. - It is.

Let me hear you, CAC!

- Uh, he's gone over his time limit.

There's no singing in aerobics! It's in the rulebook.

There's no singing in aerobics. I found it in the rulebook here.

I remember it's #46B.

- Why don't you just tell your muscles to move away from the table.

Otherwise, my beautiful and sexy wife here will disqualify your ass.

- Stop it. Let go. Okay, it's over. It's over. I won.

The Metrix has won.

- Stop. Stop.

- Okay, stop!

There's already a winner!

- That's not even...

This is how you do a butterfly clap. Ow! Oh!

- Barry!

- My ankle!

Okay. Gently.

Joe Force scores a 67.

That's a perfect flair score,

and the lowest technical score on record.

Congratulations to Metrix. I... I think they won.

- Yep. - Yep, yep, they won.

Whatevs. - That's aerobics. - Pop!

- So proud of you!

Ah... - Ah, I love you, Mom. Thanks.

- Come on, everyone. We're family now. - Yeah, c'mon. Group hug.

- Yeah. Ya!!!

- We almost won!

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- But we did it!

- Yeah. - We did.

- Dammit.

We were close, though!

- What the flying fuck finger was that?!

Ow! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!

I didn't get my fucking gold medal!

I didn't get my bouquet.

It's a championship bouquet.

I love flowers!

He hijacked... my victory.

- Calm down. Please. We won the money.

- Winning's not winning when no one sees you win.

That's the thing. You're, like: Hey, I won!

If someone wins in a forest, and a tree falls... fuck You know what I mean!

Don't mind me! Just on my way to the bank to collect your dad's millions.

You know, call me crazy,

but I think...

the first thing I'm gonna do is melt down 10,000 nickels

and make a statue of me taking a dump in your mouth.

- Yeah.

You won the money... and Claudia.

Keep 'em.

- What is this?

Oh. : "Oh, yeah, we should be...

we should be friends, man, not rivals."

That's your voice, right? It's like someone strangled a gopher.

"Hey, Barry, we can..."

Yeah, it's like inward talking.

"We shouldn't be rivals anymore, man."

- Mr. Force, we have been looking for you.

- Sorry you lost, dear, but the video of your performance went viral!

- Really?

- Another Joe Force fail. - Oh, well, actually, Mr. Cross,

the response has been so positive that the CAC sponsors

are talking about sending Joe and his team nationwide

to teach his style of aerobics.

- They thought it was a great idea to combine rock and aerobics

to open up the sport to a wider, younger audience.

What do you call it?

- Uh...

Rockin' 'Robics?

- Brilliant. - Whatever. Big deal.

- Oh, there's one other thing. As you know,

we were very close to your father.

He wrote a letter to you, told us not to give it to you

until you made the finals. - Let me see that.

- Thanks.

- Rockin' 'Robics. Love that name.

- I'm gonna stay, in case the letter makes you cry.

I mean, that'll really make my day perfect.

- "Dear Joe,

if you are reading this, that means you made it back to the finals.

I could not be more proud of you."

- Aw, too bad Daddy isn't here to see the scoreboard. He wouldn't be proud.

- "Now, you may want to sit down for this next part.

There is no money.

There was never any money.

I made up the $8 million as a motivator to get you back in the family business.

I love you, son. Good luck. Colonel Tom Force."

- Let me see.

- Of course!

$8 million from aerobics?!

Our house sucks, our gym is a dump.

We had my dad's funeral in the backyard.

We're broke!

- No, no, no, no!

I thought you said there was a will!

- I mean, I saw a video, but I never actually saw a will.

Wow! I thought I lost,

but I... I won.

- But you didn't win. You didn't win. I won.

I won the medal.

I won the bouquet.

And I won half of Fitness by Force, fucker.

And that means that I win half of Rockin' 'Robics.

- Yeah, but Fitness by Force is worth nothing, so you own nothing.

- Well, I'm the king of turning nothing into something. - No, I'm the something.

You're the nothing. - No, I'm a somebody. You're a nobody.

- You're the someone that nobody likes.

- Everybody likes me. Ha-ha.

People like me.

Ah!!

Subtitling: CNST, Montreal