Original subtitles

>> A POP ORIGINAL SERIES.

>> THE FIFTH ANNUAL COMPETITIVE

AEROBICS COMPETITION,

IT WAS MY FIRST FINALS

AND I WAS THE FAVORITE

TO WIN IT ALL.

MY DAD MADE ME TRAIN

MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT.

>> TODAY'S THE DAY, SON.

MOMENTS LIKE THIS SEPARATE

THE MEN FROM THE BOYS.

>> AND LAST ROUTINE PUTS

BARRY CROSS IN THE LEAD.

>> BARRY...

>> OKAY, THAT'S ME, JOE FORCE,

WITH EVERY PERSON

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO AVOID

FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS.

BARRY CROSS, MY ARCH NEMESIS.

CLAUDIA, MY HIGH SCHOOL

GIRLFRIEND THAT LEFT ME

FOR MY ARCH NEMESIS.

MY MOM, FORMER PAGEANT QUEEN,

ALSO BAT-SHIT CRAZY.

AND FINALLY,

COLONEL FORCE, MY DAD,

THE GODFATHER OF AEROBICS.

GROWING UP, MY DAD TOOK

THIS SHIT WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.

>> WIN, OR DON'T COME HOME.

>> OUR NEXT CONTESTANT,

JOE FORCE!

>> WELL, I DIDN'T WIN,

SO I DIDN'T GO HOME.

EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN

>> I BECAME THE LEAD SINGER

OF GUNS VAN BOSES.

WE'RE AVAILABLE FOR WEDDINGS,

BAR MITZVAHS,

AND A MOM'S NIGHT OUT.

>> I LOVE YOU.

>> I WANNA TALK TO YOU LATER.

LIKE EVERY COWBOY

SINGS A SAD SAD SONG

EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE'VE BEEN GUNS VAN BOSES.

WHO'S STICKIN' AROUND

FOR THE NEXT SET?

>> WE ARE!

>> WHOA, I GOT DROOPY YESSES,

RIGHT THERE, THANK YOU.

HEY, WHERE'S MY WHISKEY CHARLIE?

NICE.

>> LISTEN, KID,

YOUR MOM CALLED.

YOU DO REMEMBER YOUR DAD,

DON'T YOU?

>> A REPUBLICAN RICHARD SIMMONS.

HOW COULD I FORGET HIM?

>> YOU TWO WEREN'T VERY CLOSE,

WERE YOU?

>> NO, NO.

OUR ONLY CONTACT IS AN

ANNUAL CHRISTMAS CARD WITH A,

UH, WEIGHT WATCHERS GIFT

CERTIFICATE AND A LIST

OF WORKOUT ROUTINES.

>> WELL, HE DIED.

>> WHAT?

HE DIED?

>> MOM SAID HIS TICKER GAVE OUT

WHILE HE WAS TEACHING

AN AEROBICS CLASS.

>> REPEAT AFTER ME:

CARDIO IS NOT A PLATE

OF MEXICAN FOOD.

>> CARDIO IS NOT A PLATE

OF MEXICAN FOOD.

>> CARDIO IS--

>> CARDIO IS.

>> HEART'S ON FIRE.

>> HEART'S ON FIRE.

>> AH!

>> I TOLD HIM THAT FITNESS SHIT

WOULD KILL HIM.

>> THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.

>> HEY...

I'VE BEEN THERE.

I KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

GOIN' THROUGH.

LISTEN, YOU KNOW I'M LOOKIN'

FOR A PARTNER TO INVEST

IN MY BAKED POTATO BUFFET.

>> YOU JUST TOLD ME MY DAD DIED

AND YOU WANT ME TO PUT

MY INHERITANCE INTO

A BAKED POTATO BUFFET?

THANKS FOR THINKING OF ME,

BUT IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.

HEY, CAN YOU PLAY

CAT'S IN THE CRADLE?

>> OKAY.

LET'S GET PHYSICAL

PHYSICAL

>> MAN, THIS PLACE IS BIGGER

THAN TWO HOUSE CODES

PUT TOGETHER.

>> OH, MAN, I NEED A DRINK.

>> CAR BAR?

>> CAR BAR.

>> DRINK UP, BOYS.

WE'RE ONLY STAYIN'

FOR A FEW DAYS.

I'M GONNA FIND OUT

WHAT MY DAD LEFT ME.

SELL IT, AND THEN WE'RE--

>> HITTIN' THE ROAD.

>> CHEERS TO THIS SHIT.

>> HEY.

OH, BY THE WAY, THIS IS

WEDDING BAND BEHAVIOR.

FOOD AND BOOZE, OPEN GAME.

HANDS OFF THE WOMEN.

>> MAN...

>> DUDE.

>> I'M STILL GETTIN' LAID.

>> YEAH.

>> SO HE REALLY WAS

A GREAT, GREAT LOSS.

THANK YOU, THOUGH.

>> HI, MOM.

AH!

>> THAT WAS FOR WEARING THAT

SHIRT, AND FOR NOT RETURNING

MY CALLS FOR THREE YEARS.

THAT'S FOR LOSING YOUR FATHER.

I'M SO SORRY, DARLING.

>> I'M SORRY TOO, MOM.

>> A BIT FLABBY.

>> YEAH, LIFE OF A ROCK STAR.

>> WELL, ACTUALLY I THOUGHT

ROCK STARS WERE SKINNY

BECAUSE OF THE DRUGS.

>> DONUTS ARE A DRUG.

>> COME, THERE'S SOMETHING

YOU NEED TO SEE.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO.

>> I'M COLONEL TOM FORCE,

AND THIS IS MY LAST WILL

AND TESTAMENT.

JANET, MY LOVE,

YOU MUST BE DEVASTATED.

>> HE KNEW ME SO WELL.

>> AS FOR YOU, MY DISGRACE

OF A SON, I KNEW YOU'D SHOW.

YOU WANT YOUR CUT.

>> HE KNEW YOU WELL TOO.

>> OUR NEXT CONTESTANT,

JOE FORCE!

>> HOW DID YOU PUT THIS

IN YOUR WILL?

>> DON'T LOOK AWAY, JOSEPH.

YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING

FROM YOUR LEGACY.

BARRY CROSS, NOT ONLY DID HE

BEAT YOU, HE MARRIED CLAUDIA

AND STARTED A SUCCESSFUL

FITNESS BRAND.

>> I'M GETTING THE FEELING

I'M GONNA NEED TO BORROW

SOME GAS MONEY.

>> JANET, YOU GET THE HOUSE

AND A GENEROUS MONTHLY STIPEND.

JOE...

YOU GET THE GYM.

BUT MY HARD EARNED MONEY IS

GONNA HAVE TO BE EARNED HARDER.

THAT'S WHY I'M DONATING

YOUR $8 MILLION INHERITANCE

TO THE WINNING GYM

OF THE COMPETITIVE

AEROBICS CHAMPIONSHIP.

>> WHAT!?

>> SELL THE GYM AND FINANCE

YOUR OWN DEMISE, OR MAN UP,

SHAVE YOUR LEGS,

PUT ON SPANDEX,

AND GO FOR THE GOLD.

I BELIEVE THERE IS STILL

WINNERS BLOOD PUMPING THROUGH

THOSE CLOGGED ARTERIES.

>> SO WE HAVE THREE MONTHS

TO GET YOU BACK

INTO FINALS SHAPE.

TOUGH, BUT DOABLE.

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?

MOM, THIS IS CRAZY.

>> LOOK, YOUR FATHER AND I

MADE A PACT THAT WHOEVER

PASSED FIRST, THE OTHER ONE

WOULD DEDICATE THEMSELVES TO

GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK.

>> MY LIFE IS ON TRACK.

IT'S ONE BIG TRACK.

I PLAY AT PACKED HOUSES

EVERY NIGHT, WOMEN EVERYWHERE.

I AM NOT GIVING UP

MY MUSICAL CAREER FOR THIS SHIT.

>> IF YOU TRY TO SELL THE GYM

OR YOU RESIST GOING FOR GOLD,

I WILL BE FORCED TO USE

EVERY TOOL IN MY ARSENAL.

>> DO IT.

I DARE YOU.

I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE.

THAT'S WHY I LEFT.

I'M BULLETPROOF.

>> NOW YOU HAVE THE KEY

AND THE DEED TO THE GYM.

>> MOM, I KNOW YOU WANT ME

TO BE PATRICK SWAYZE,

BUT I'M NOT.

I'M AXL ROSE.

>> I WISH PATRICK SWAYZE

WAS MY SON.

>> PATRICK SWAYZE'S DEAD, MOM.

>> HE DIED, TOO.

>> YES.

>> OH, THIS IS THE WORST DAY

OF MY LIFE.

>> YEAH, JOIN THE CLUB.

>> REST IN PEACE, COLONEL.

>> FIFTEEN YEARS.

>> CLAUDIA?

>> OH!

>> WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.

>> I KNOW.

YOU LOOK...

LIKE YOU HAVE A GOOD STORY

TO TELL OR SOMETHING.

>> I THINK I BROKE A RECORD.

HEY, WHERE'S JOE?

>> OH, UM...

>> HOLY!

HEY.

>> BARRY CROSS.

>> JOE HOPELESS, SHAPELESS

AND NOW FATHERLESS FORCE.

>> OKAY, THAT WAS, UH,

A LITTLE TOO FAR.

>> YEAH, WE'RE IN FRONT

OF HIS DEAD BODY.

>> I WAS JUST JOSHIN'.

>> WHY ARE YOU HERE?

>> WE'RE HERE TO

PAY OUR RESPECTS

TO THE GODFATHER OF AEROBICS.

>> YEAH.

I-I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CASUAL

ATTIRE, BUT IT IS BLACK,

AND I WAS ABLE TO SQUEEZE

SOME CARDIO ON THE WAY IN,

SO NOT A TOTAL LOSS...

FOR ME.

I MEAN, THIS IS A LOSS.

IT'S A SAD MOMENT FOR-FOR YOU.

ANOTHER ONE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR

DAD'S GYM, BECAUSE I WANT IT.

>> GREAT, I DON'T.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.

>> GREAT, I WILL TAKE IT.

>> I'LL SELL IT.

>> I'LL BUY IT FROM YOU.

>> YEAH, HOW MUCH?

>> WELL, WHEN YOU'RE DONE

GRIEVING, WE CAN DISCUSS

THIS MATTER.

>> OKAY, DONE GRIEVING.

WHAT'S YOUR OFFER?

>> OKAY, SLOW DOWN.

THIS IS A FUNERAL.

UM, FITNESS BY FORCE IS

IN A REALLY GREAT LOCATION.

>> YEAH.

>> BUT WE-WE'LL PROBABLY TAKE

A FEW HOURS TO PREP THE OFFER.

>> WE'RE GONNA FRANCHISE.

WE GOT BIG PLANS.

>> YEAH, I DON'T CARE

ABOUT YOUR PLANS.

WHERE DO I FIND YOU?

>> OH, JUST LOOK FOR

THE BUILDING WITH PERFECTLY

SCULPTED PHYSIQUES

WALKING IN AND OUT.

331 METRICS AVENUE.

OKAY, IF YOU NEED TO

GET THERE, GOOGLE IT.

DO NOT USE APPLE MAPS.

>> SO GLAD YOU CAME.

>> YEAH, WE GOTTA GO.

>> I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

>> AND FOR HOW MUCH

YOU'VE GAINED.

>> UM...

OKAY.

>> HAVE A GOOD WORKOUT.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

OUR PLUS SIZE TERMINAL

IS AT ANOTHER ADDRESS.

>> TERMINAL?

>> ARE YOU OKAY?

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING.

MY DAD JUST DIED, AND I

MOVED BACK IN WITH MY MOM,

AND OUR RELATIONSHIP--

>> PLEASE STOP.

WE DON'T DO NEGATIVE

DOWNLOADS AT OUR TERMINALS.

HAVE A FAKE DAY.

>> WE CALL THEM TERMINALS,

BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE

YOU PLUG IN TO TURN ON.

>> TERMINAL IS ALSO A WORD

USED TO DESCRIBE

LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESSES.

>> AND YOU'RE A WALKING

ANGIOPLASTY, BUT NO,

NO ILLNESS IN HERE.

OUR BODIES ARE TEMPLES,

AND TREATED AS SUCH.

>> MY BODIES A DIVE BAR.

EVERYBODY'S HAVING FUN

AND MUCH BETTER STORIES.

>> GANDHI ONCE CLAIMED THAT HIS

SENSE OF HUMOR WAS THE ONLY

THING THAT PREVENTED HIM

FROM COMMITTING SUICIDE.

>> I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE

THAT DON'T EAT.

>> INTERMITTENT FASTING IS

PHYSIOLOGICALLY BENEFICIAL.

>> YOU ARE SO BORING.

WILL YOU JUST SIGN THE CONTRACT?

>> YEAH, I'LL SIGN THE CONTRACT.

>> GOOD.

>> YEAH, GOOD.

>> GREAT.

>> WELL, GIVE ME A PEN.

>> OKAY, I WILL--

>> YOU KNOW,

I'M GONNA USE MY OWN PEN.

>> GOOD FOR YOU.

>> I HAVE A SUPERIOR PEN.

>> I BET YOU DO.

>> OKAY.

>> WAIT, UM, DO I HAVE TO WALK,

OR DO YOU HAVE, LIKE,

A SCOOTER OR A TRAN?

NO, OKAY.

>> WELCOME...

TO THE FUTURE OF FITNESS.

METRIX WEARABLES,

THEY MONITOR YOUR

STATS AND VITALS.

EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE

IS PLUGGED INTO OUR CUSTOM AI

SOFTWARE THAT SENDS YOU

A DAILY WORKOUT REGIMEN.

>> THIS IS HILARIOUS.

YOU HAD TO CREATE ALL OF THIS

BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T

GET LAID IN HIGH SCHOOL.

>> YOU PEAKED AT 17.

I'M STILL BLOSSOMING.

RAGE CYCLE.

ONE OF OUR MOST POPULAR

STRESS-RELIEVING CLASSES.

>> OH, YOU'RE GONNA

CUT ME OFF IN TRAFFIC.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M GONNA CUT YOU OFF.

I'LL CUT YOUR WHOLE FAMILY OFF!

>> I BEAT OFF TO RELIEF STRESS.

DO YOU HAVE A CLASS FOR THAT?

>> THE DAOIST MASTERS REGARD

SEMINAL RETENTION AS

THE PATHWAY TO IMMORTALITY.

NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG,

CLAUDIA AND I BANG LIKE RABBITS.

BUT AT CLIMAX, RATHER THAN

SPILL IT, I REDISTRIBUTE

THE JING CHI ENERGY

THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE BODY.

SEE, I'LL BE TOASTING

MY 125th BIRTHDAY WHILE YOU

SPLOOGED YOUR WAY

TO AN EARLY GRAVE.

>> YOU DON'T JIZZ?

>> NOT EVERY WOMAN

WANTS TO HAVE KIDS, MOM!

>> AND OUR MOST

ADVANCED FEATURE,

FACIAL RECOGNITION MIRRORS.

THEY SCAN YOUR FACE,

FIND YOUR MOST POPULAR SOCIAL

MEDIA POST, AND MOUNT IT

ON THE SCREEN.

WANNA TRY IT?

>> NOT ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

I ACTUALLY TALK TO REAL PEOPLE.

>> WELL, THAT'S THE DEFINITION

OF SOCIAL MEDIA.

COME ON, LET'S SEE WHAT

YOU'VE BEEN UP TO.

STAND THERE,

LOOK LIKE A MARSHMALLOW.

>> SEE, NOTHING.

I'M OFF THE GRID.

>> EVERYBODY IS IN THE METRIX.

>> MATCH FOUND, JOE FORCE.

>> ANOTHER CLASSIC

JOE FORCE STAGE FAIL.

YOU SHOULD REALLY START

CHARGING FOR THESE.

DICTATION, POST TO ALL

SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS.

OLD RIVAL FALLING ON

HARD/SOFT TIMES.

WHOOPS, DONUTDIET.

>> STATUS POSTED ACROSS

ALL SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS.

>> ARE YOU READY TO TALK TERMS?

THAT'S WHAT BUSINESSMEN SAY

TO EACH OTHER WHEN THEY'RE

ABOUT TO NEGOTIATE A DEAL.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

SCREW YOU, BARRY.

I'M NOT LETTING YOU TURN

MY DAD'S GYM INTO

SOME FITNESS CULT.

>> WELL, I'D SAY YOU'RE

ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST

MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE,

BUT I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.

>> I HATED MY DAD,

BUT NOT THIS MUCH.

>> WELL, HEY, DON'T FORGET

TO GRAB A SUPERABSORBENT

METRIX T-SHIRT ON YOUR WAY OUT.

THEY'RE AVAILABLE IN TRIPLE

SMALL, DOUBLE SMALL AND OUR

PLUS SIZE, KIDS MEDIUM.

>> JOE, THERE WERE TWO PLACES

YOU WOULD RUN OFF TO

WHEN YOU FEELING DOWN.

THE CHINESE BUFFET IS CLOSED.

>> DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME.

YOU BROKE MY HEART.

YOU LEFT ME RIGHT AFTER

I LOST THE FINALS, AND...

WE NEVER EVEN BROKE UP.

YOU GHOSTED ME BEFORE

GHOSTING WAS A THING.

THEN YOU MARRIED

DINGLE-BARRY AND STARTED A GYM

THAT TURNS PEOPLE INTO ROBOTS.

>> OKAY, JOE--

>> THEY'RE ROBOTS!

>> JOE, I REGRET LEAVING YOU

LIKE THAT, I REALLY DO.

BUT I DON'T REGRET THE REST

OF MY LIFE DECISIONS.

>> YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS

FOR ME, DON'T YOU?

>> NO.

UH, SYMPATHY, MAYBE.

ALL I'M ASKING IS THAT YOU

JUST THINK ABOUT MAKING A DEAL

BEFORE YOU GO OFF AND

DO SOMETHING RASH, OKAY?

>> I'VE ALREADY DECIDED

I'M JUST GONNA LET IT FILL UP

WITH TRANSIENT SQUATTERS

AND TURN INTO A SOUP KITCHEN.

>> THAT'S GREAT.

WHEN YOUR SOUP KITCHEN FALLS

THROUGH, WE'LL BE HERE

READY WITH THE CHECK.

AND YOU KNOW OUR GYM IS

ALREADY FULL OF SQUATTERS,

BUT THEY'RE LIKE...

THE GOOD KIND.

BYE.

>> DAMN.

YOU'RE A MEAN OLD BASTARD,

BUT YOU ALWAYS...

WERE A MEAN OLD BASTARD.

"YOU'RE A DISGRACE."

OH, WELL, THANK YOU DAD.

YOU OLD PERVERT.

YOU LIKED IT WHEN PEOPLE

LOOKED AT YOUR DONG.

LOOK AT THAT, YOUR BIG DICK.

THAT'S ONE THING YOU GAVE ME.

OH, I HOPE I DIE TONIGHT.

>> TELL ME YOU DIDN'T

SELL THE GYM.

>> I TRIED.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

I ENDED UP THIS WAY BECAUSE

HE WAS A TERRIBLE FATHER

WHO FORCED ME TO

DO EVERYTHING HIS WAY.

>> YEAH, THE RIGHT WAY.

FITNESS BY FORCE WAY.

>> I'M SO CONFUSED.

EVERYONE'S TAKING

ADVANTAGE OF ME.

>> NOT ME, I'M DIFFERENT.

I'M YOUR MUM.

AND HAVING YOU BACK'S MADE ME

REALIZE WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

YOU, BUT THIS IS

NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.

>> GOOD, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO WAY

I CAN WIN THAT COMPETITION.

>> WHO CARES?

I GOT MY BABY BOY BACK.

>> OH.

>> OH.

YOU STILL GOT SOME, UH,

SOLID MUSCLE UNDER THAT.

WHAT SIZE UNITARD ARE YOU

WEARING THESE DAYS?

>> THIS IS ABOUT THE MONEY.

>> I JUST THOUGHT YOU COULD

GIVE IT A SHOT.

>> I AM DONE WITH THIS.

I WASN'T GONNA SELL THIS PLACE,

BUT IF EVERYBODY ELSE

IS OUT FOR THEMSELVES,

I AM TOO.

>> DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

HE'S YOUR SON.

> BODY FAT INDEX, 13%,

NOW 15%.

>> OOH, I'M DETECTING SOME

FAT DEPOSITS, WHICH MAY

PRESENT SOME UNFLATTERING

CAMERA ANGLES.

>> WHAT?

>> 20%.

>> SHIT, MUST'VE BEEN THAT

GOJI BERRY SMOOTHIE

I HAD LAST WEEK.

>> MMM...

>> ZERO NET CARBS, MY FAT ASS.

>> BARRY, WE NEED TO TALK.

>> CROSS CONTROL, DOOR OPEN.

OKAY, IT'S COOL THAT IT OPENS,

BUT WE NEED A SNAZZIER CUE.

>> OKAY.

>> YEAH.

IS THAT THE SAME SHITTY SHIRT

YOU WORE YESTERDAY,

OR A NEW SHITTY SHIRT?

IT LOOKS MORE YELLOW.

>> UH, I HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.

UM, I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR

DIFFERENCES, BUT I, UH,

REALLY JUST NEED TO SELL

MY DAD'S GYM SO I CAN

TAKE MY BAND ON TOUR.

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH, NO.

YEAH, WE'RE NOT INTERESTED

IN ACQUIRING YOUR SHITTY

SWEATBOX ANYMORE.

>> YOU WANTED IT YESTERDAY.

>> YOUR MOMMY CALLED,

AND THE METRIX NO LONGER

WANTS YOUR SHIT GYM BECAUSE

WE WANNA GO AFTER

YOUR DAD'S 8 MILLION.

>> JANET TOLD US ABOUT THE WILL.

AND THEN SHE CALLED ME

A MONEY HUNGRY TROLLOP.

SHE MADE IT PERSONAL.

>> YOU MESS WITH THE QUEEN,

YOU GET THE KING.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO COME OUT

OF RETIREMENT.

>> GREAT.

HEY, HOW DO I GET UP

ONTO THE ROOF?

I, UM, I NEED TO KILL MYSELF.

>> OH, NO, THAT'S A LIABILITY.

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT HERE.

THERE'S A ROOF ACROSS

THE PARKING LOT.

>> LISTEN, PAL, IF YOU

AND YOUR SHIT GYM HAPPEN TO

STILL BE AROUND BY THE TIME

I WIN THE AEROBICS FINALS,

I WILL BUY IT BACK FROM YOU

WITH YOUR DAD'S MONEY.

>> BARRY, I THINK HE'S BEEN

THROUGH ENOUGH, RIGHT?

LET'S JUST BY THE DAMN GYM

AND THEN ELIMINATE HIM

FROM THE COMPETITION.

THAT WAY WE DON'T HAVE TO

DEAL WITH HIM LATER.

>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

>> YOU STRUCK A SENTIMENTAL

CHORD WITH MY WIFE.

THAT'S VERY RARE.

>> YEAH, THAT'S 'CAUSE

I USED TO PLOW HER.

>> OH.

>> BUT THE ANSWER IS SHIT NO.

CROSS CONTROL,

CUE SAD EXIT MUSIC.

YES, THAT CUE I LIKE.

>> OKAY.

>> YEAH, SAVE THAT ONE.

>> EAT MY ASS, DINGLE-BARRY.

CROSS CONTROL,

ORDER A MILLION DILDOS.

>> NO, NO!

>> ORDER CONFIRMED.

>> CANCEL THE MILLION DILDOS.

>> NEXT DAY DELIVERY.

>> NO NEED FOR A MILLION DILDOS.

>> PRETTY HANDSOME, ISN'T HE?

>> PACK UP YOUR GEAR, BOYS.

WE ARE GETTING OUT

OF HERE FOR...

GOOD-- OH, SHIT.

JANET TOLD YOU TOO.

YOU JUST HAD TO TURN THEM

AGAINST ME, DIDN'T YOU?

LET ME GUESS, YOU GUYS WANT ME

TO GO FOR THE GOLD.

YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT.

WHY GO ON TOUR FOR THOUSANDS

WHEN I CAN WIN MILLIONS

AND FUND ALL OF OUR

ROCK STAR FANTASIES.

YEAH, SURE, FINE, I'LL DO IT.

BUT I WILL THIS UP

ON MY OWN BEFORE I LISTEN

TO MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

BY THREE DRUNK TROLLS

AND A GODDAMN PAGEANT BANSHEE.

GET IN THE CAR, BOYS!

THE JOE FORCE SHIT SHOW

COMEBACK TOUR BEGINS.

>> WHAT MONEY IS

HE TALKIN' ABOUT?

>> BARRY CROSS,

GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE.

>> RED CROSS ALERT.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE

AND WHERE ARE ALL THE GODS

WHERE'S THE STREETWISE HERCULES

TO FIGHT THE RISING ODDS

ISN'T THERE A WHITE KNIGHT

UPON A FIERY STEED

>> NO, NO DANCING OUT HERE.

NO, NO, STOP.

LATE AT NIGHT I TOSS AND I TURN

AND I DREAM OF WHAT I NEED

I NEED A HERO--

>> AWW!

>> UGH.

YOU GUYS HAD FUN

OUT HERE TODAY?

WELL, IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS

EVERYDAY AT FITNESS BY FORCE,

SO COME ON DOWN

AND ROCK WITH US.

EVERYONE IS WELCOME.

>> UH, YEAH, NO.

NOBODY'S GONNA JOIN

YOUR EGALITARIAN GYM.

GROSS!

IMAGINE THE SHOWERS.

>> THEY WILL JOIN MY GYM,

AND WE WILL BEAT YOU

IN THE AEROBICS FINALS.

>> OOH!

>> YOU'RE SAYING YOUR GYM

CAN BEAT MY GYM?

>> OOH!

>> IT'S TIME FOR A REMATCH.

>> OH-OH!

>> I GOT THE GYM, THE GIRL,

AND THE BODY OF A GREEK GOD.

>> OOH!

>> WELL, I GOT MY GYM,

MY BAND, AND...

>> ME!

>> MY MOM.

>> YEAH!

>> YOU'RE A NOBODY!

>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

>> I'M GONNA MAKE SURE

THAT EVERYBODY KNOWS

YOU'RE A NOBODY AGAIN.

I NEED A HERO

I'M HOLDING ON FOR A HERO

TIL THE END OF THE NIGHT

AND HE'S GOTTA BE STRONG

AND HE'S GOTTA BE FAST

AND HE'S GOTTA BE FRESH

FROM THE FIGHT

I NEED A HERO

I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO

TIL THE MORNING LIGHT

I NEED A HERO

>> OH...

>> THAT USUALLY GETS APPLAUSE.

>> OH...

>> OH.

>> TAKE A GOOD LOOK, BARRY.

YOU MAY HAVE THE BRAINS,

BUT MY SON HAS THE BALLS.

>> ON THE NEXT

"LET'S GET PHYSICAL"...

>> I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU

FOR SLEEPING WITH MY BAND.

>> DON'T CUT ME.

I'VE WANTED THIS MY WHOLE LIFE.

>> YOU JUST STARTED THE TEAM

LAST NIGHT.

>> BINGO, A CRYING GIRL.

MY SPECIALTY.

>> HOW CAN YOU BE SWEATING

JUST STANDING THERE?

>> I'M WEARIN' A JEAN JACKET.

LOOKIN' FOR DANCERS.

>> THAT'S HOW

WE WIN DAD'S MONEY.

TRUST, TEAMWORK,

AND A WHOLE LOT OF FLAIR.

>> GRANDMA'S HOUSE.