Original subtitles

Telling the truth can be bad news

Telling the truth can be...

Telling the truth can be good news

Telling the truth is a bad idea

Telling the truth is a difficult problem

Telling the truth... Telling the truth is a scary...

Telling the truth is a scary predicament

Telling the truth is a bitter herb

Telling the truth is a dangerous tunnel

When you get out of that tunnel

- You've got bitter herbs - It's a black life ahead

Forget "herb. " I never heard of a hit that had the word "herb" in it.

Telling the truth is a dangerous...

Dangerous!

- Telling the truth can be dangerous - Dangerous...

What?

Danger... Telling the truth can be danger...

- Telling the truth can be dangerous... - Business

Telling the truth can be dangerous business

Why?

Why?

Why?

Telling the truth can be dangerous business

Because ifyourselfyou don't know why

Well, I'm just giving you what the idea is.

Telling the truth can be dangerous business

If you don't know yourself then you don't know why

Is that brilliant!

Telling the truth can be dangerous business

Honest and popular don't go hand in hand

If you admit that you can play the accordion

No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

- But we can sing our hearts out - Can sing our hearts out

And if we're lucky then no neighbors complain

Loo at that. Simon and Gadunkel's Greatest Hits.

Lyle, Dangerous Business is as good as anything they ever wrote.

- You thin so? - Sure.

The only thing that Simon Garfunel, or Bruce Springsteen,

or any of these guys have that we don't have is an agent.

You thin so?

Dangerous Business is as good as Bridge Over Troubled Water

any day of the wee.

You thin so?

I'm telling you, if we get an agent, we get a record album.

- Freed Talent Agency. - Mr. Freed,

- this is Chuck Clarke of Rogers Clarke. - Yeah?

We're songwriters and we're looking for an agent.

Yeah.

And we saw your ad in Variety. We're gonna be at The Song Mart next Tuesday.

And we've got a new song we think is good enough for a record album.

We wondered if you'd have a chance to come down and catch us.

- The record album... - No, no, no, no.

It's not called The Record Album. It's called The Song Mart, sir.

It's basically a try-out place for new material.

Okay, okay, okay, that wraps up another audition night at The Song Mart.

A great bunch tonight. Good luck, kids.

Well, what did you thin, Mr. Freed?

- As an agent? - Yeah.

Let me tell you what I told Tony Bennett,

"Sing songs people already now. "

That way, if they don't lie it, they'll still have something to applaud.

- But we're not singers. - No, we're songwriters.

So? The Beach Boys weren't songwriters?

Franly,

you're old, you're white and you got no shtick.

You got no gimmics.

Auditioning tonight at The Ad Lib for the first time,

please welcome Rogers Clarke.

I don't understand what we did wrong.

Nothing, although I thin it'd be a good idea to change your routine if they boo.

Otherwise, I'm very encouraged.

We don't have another routine to change to.

The thing is, Marty, we've been living off our savings

while we've been woring on our act, but we're down to nothing now.

- Really? I got good news for you. - What?

I thin I can get you a booing.

- For money? - Absolutely.

- Where? - Honduras.

The hotel where the American journalists stay in Honduras.

Taxi!

The last act left because they got nervous about the death squads.

But there's no danger if you don't drive in the countryside.

- How much? -150 lempiras a wee.

That's 75 in American money, that includes room and board.

That's only 37.50 a wee for each of us.

Hey, that's right.

You got a good head for figures.

- But, Marty... - Taxi!

Wait a minute, Marty.

I also can get you 10 wees in Morocco at 950 dirham a wee.

That's 95 in American money.

Unfortunately, I can only get you airfare from the Canary Islands.

I'll call you about it in the morning.

Me, too.

Want me to drop you anywhere?

No, thans. I'm gonna wal around for a while.

I want to do some thining.

Me, too.

Well, don't thin too long.

A lot of acts would ill for a booing in North Africa.

Lyle, do you mind? I ind of wanna be alone to thin.

- Lyle! - Is it all right?

It's the only bar in the neighborhood that's open.

Just pretend lie I'm not here.

What can I get you?

Give me a bourbon and a water, straight up.

- Mae that two. - Don't drin bourbon,

you'll fall flat on your face. Give him a beer.

I'll have a beer.

You guys now each other?

Yeah, we...

We got a...

We had an act together.

No idding, would I have seen it?

No, we've only nown each other about five months.

Before that, we were just guys

with jobs.

And we wanted to be songwriters.

Hot fudge love, chocolate covered

Hot fudge love, cherry ripple kisses

Dishes, knishes, trishes

This is, this is, bliss is

Hey, ice-cream truc! Stop!

Stop being so stupid! Stop!

Lip smackin' back slappin'

Pedectly delicious

No, no.

What's the matter, honey?

I feel like this is a very special part of the evening.

A couple of years ago, there was a very young gray-haired couple here,

celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary.

And last year, they came...

- Sorry. - ... for their 52nd wedding anniversary.

And I told them that if they came back here the following year,

I'd have a song written for them.

And they're back.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Thomopoulos

celebrating this evening their 53rd wedding anniversary.

Hear, hear!

I promised I'd love you forever

A promise I'm planning to keep

You'll be well taken care of after I've gone

Offto the land of the big sleep

I'm leaving some love in my will

Yes, I'm leaving some love in my will

My life is nearly over

And time goes by so fast

And I wanted to give you a present

To thank you for the past

I shouldn't have played in here.

It's so demeaning.

Asshole waiters screaming at me lie that and taing orders,

people throwing food in their faces.

- I love you, Chuc. - Thans.

And I was thining that if we lived together,

I would just mae your life so much easier.

Life isn't that bad, I just have a lot of pain.

- Do you love me, Chuc? - Loo, Carol, you're a wonderful person.

I mean that. You're a wonderful woman.

I just have to mae sure that you're Miss Right.

Don't you wanna mae sure that I'm...

Oh, my God.

This guy says he's a songwriter and he loved my song.

He says he wants to buy me a drin.

I'll be right bac.

I met her and I fell...

- No, cut out "and I." - You want this one.

I met her, fell

I loved her well

She walked out, hell Oh, heartbreak

That's it. Do it again.

Maybe something stronger.

I met her, wham!

I met her, bam!

Software

I'm looking for software

I gotta have software

For my machine

I got it, I got it.

If you admit that you can play the accordion

No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

Shit, man, when you're on, you're on.

- Hello - Hello

- Baby - Baby

- Love you - Love you

- Baby - Baby

And the way I see it, people would rather suffer with what they have

than try the unnown.

Is that true!

Like crackers from a barrel

That's when the morning...

That's because most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Is that right!

They're going to change her name to Carol

Saturday morning The sound of a lawnmower

Touches my heart

Girls call me "The Haw. " It's a long story, gang war, shit lie that.

"The Haw?"

She said, "Come, look, there's a... "

She said, "Come, look, there's a wardrobe of love in my eyes"

"Take your time, look around and see if there's something your size"

Can you give us another half-hour?

- Half an hour? - Yeah.

Half an hour lie the last half-hour?

- We don't get overtime for this. - Hey, wait a second, try this.

Halfan hour, half an hour like the last half-hour

- Where are you going? Stay. - We got something.

Lyle. Lyle, listen to me. She's not worth it.

She didn't understand your sense of dedication.

I'm sorry, just... It comes over me in waves every few minutes.

- That's oay. That's all right. - I'm sorry.

I don't now what to do now.

- I don't now what to do without Willa. - It's oay.

You now, we've been married since we were 17.

I never even dated anybody but Willa.

Oh, Willa.

We were happy while I was woring in a gas station.

We had a nice little house, a nice little garden.

I'd come home in the evening and write songs.

Willa would... She'd quilt and...

Then the tire factory opened

and overnight the population shot up to about 35,000.

Lyle, can you stand up a second? You're sitting on my tie.

So I said to Willa, I said, "Loo, we gotta go to New Yor

"or Nashville because those are the only two places to be

"if you wanna sell songs. "

That's how come we came to New Yor.

What a smuc I was.

Schmuck.

It's not "smuc," it's schmuck.

- Smuc. - Schmuck.

Smuc.

Say "sh. "

- Now say "muc. " - Muc.

Now say "sh" and "muc" together real fast.

Smuc.

Closer.

You really now the lingo.

This is my friend Lyle Rogers. And you are?

Dorothy. And this is my friend Siri Darma.

Lyle, why don't you snea in here and tal to Siri.

Siri, be careful of this guy. He's got a lot of quic moves.

Don't loo at me that way.

You are so fucing beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

Don't id me.

You probably had every guy in the world telling you you're beautiful

ever since the day you were born.

- You are so crazy, Haw. - Crazy?

I wanna iss every inch of you, get in a clinch with you.

Break offa pinch of you

You didn't have to leave with me. Now, I spoiled the night for you.

You gotta give yourself a brea.

You've never been out with anyone but your wife.

Yeah, but you gotta have the loos, Chuc.

I mean, you wal into a place lie that and girls just want you.

You now, you got that ind of face.

Kind of mean looing, but with character.

And the way you wal, you can only do that with a small body.

Did you ever hear of a big sports car?

- I mean, if I looed lie you... - You have so idealized me.

I won't stand for it.

I just can't wal out on him.

He cries every 10 minutes, Carol. He's lie an orphan.

- What are you doing? - I'm leaving you.

- What are you taling about? - I don't want to see you again, ever.

- Carol. - What do you care?

If you never see me again,

it'll only be one time less a wee than you see me now.

- Carol. - Your life is a joe.

- Willa? Willa? - Hello, Lyle.

I'm outside on the ledge of my apartment.

- What? - I've been fooling you, Lyle,

and I've been fooling myself

I don't have any talent. I don't have any money.

I'll never find Miss Right and Carol left me.

Lyle, I can't make anything work.

Everything I told you is fae.

It's all mae-believe.

- I'm a total failure. - Don't move, I'll be right over.

Listen, don't call the police.

If this gets into the newspapers, the scandal will ruin me in show business.

- You got it! - I mean it.

- I won't call the police. - Lyle!

I won't call the police.

I'm finally on the ledge

I'm finally on the edge of my life

When the tears won't even come

When the pain is so big

I'm finally on the edge of my...

Mr. Clare? Tae it easy.

Damn it!

- Tae it easy. Tae it easy. - Tae it easy. Tae it easy.

How you doing, Mr. Clare?

Come on in, Mr. Clare. Mae your phone call in here.

No!

- Hey! - Excuse me!

- Get over here. Hey! - Hold it! Captain!

Don't you thin Daddy doesn't feel blue and I don't feel blue sometimes,

but I now that tomorrow is another day.

And the sun will come out tomorrow.

Hold it, pal. Who are you?

Lyle Rogers. I'm his best friend.

Mr. Rogers, have you any idea how lucy this boy is?

He didn't want to live with us in Queens.

Come on, don't turn away from Mama. Come on.

There's another one! Loo!

Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

Hold on, Haw, I'm coming.

Don't come any closer, Lyle. And don't call me Haw.

I told you not to tell anyone.

I now, but I was scared I couldn't get here on time.

- Don't be mad at me, Chuc. - Charles.

It's Rabbi Pierce, Charles.

Oh, my God, Rabbi Pierce is here.

Charles, you remember Rabbi Pierce.

Chuc, I now how bad you feel, but there's people in this world

worse off than you.

Poor people, sic people.

People who haven't got anybody to go out on a ledge for them.

Come on, give me your hand.

Come on, Chuc.

Tae a little step here.

Tae a step.

Tae a couple steppies. Come on.

A couple little steppies. Attaboy.

Oay.

- Oay. - All right.

- Lyle. - Yeah?

Easy!

Lyle.

- Are you disappointed in me? - No.

No, I mean because I'm not the ind of guy that you thought I was.

You are the ind of guy I thought you were.

I'm not, Lyle.

I lived with my parents till I was 32.

I've just dribbled my life away.

Hey, it taes a lot of nerve to have nothing at your age.

Don't you understand that?

Yeah, most guys would be ashamed, but you've got the guts to just say,

"To hell with it. "

You say that you'd rather have nothing than settle for less.

Understand?

I've never thought of it that way.

- Yes. - Lyle.

Lyle.

What do you say we get this show on the road?

Honduras?

Morocco. It's safer.

Professor. Professor Barnes!

Are you absolutely certain that this is a map of Ishtar?

I'm positive.

I am proficient in 7th-century Kufic. This map is incredible.

It speas of a time of upheaval when two messengers

will appear in Ishtar.

And through them, the poor and lonely will rise up,

and the mighty will be humbled.

It's uncanny, isn't it? It speas of two messengers.

And now we two have found it, just as it foretold.

Don't be a fool, Omar.

- Please. - We found a map

which could start a holy war

that would enflame the entire Middle East. Ishtar is on the brin of revolution now.

There's someone outside the tent.

Tae it.

Hide it.

I have hidden it, Shirra. I can't tell you where over the phone.

- I will meet you. - When?

Omar?

Omar?

You will not find it.

Now no one will find it

except the two messengers of God.

- Hello, romance - Hello, adventure

I'm having the time of my life

It's the most fun I've had so far

Hello, Morocco

You're more than a country

You're even a state of mind

I need a pencil.

Ladies and gentlemen, all passengers holding tickets for Morocco,

please consult yourAir Canary agent inside the terminal.

We are about to begin the descent into Ishtar.

Coming here is gonna change our lives, you now?

Excuse me, I'm an American. Just let me as you one question.

I'll find an Air Canary agent. You watch the luggage.

Oay, see if you can get some coffee.

As how much it is before you pay for it.

All right.

Attention. Attention. A military cudew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

All persons on the streets after dark are subject to search and arrest.

Please help me.

Loo, I'm with someone. She's in the bathroom.

I beg you. I'm in desperate need.

Well, loo... I'm...

Really, I'm very flattered, but I'm straight.

I'm not proud of it and I'm not ashamed of it.

I mean, I respect your way of life, but... It just isn't mine.

That doesn't mean that mine is any better or any worse...

- Loo at what you have. - I am a woman.

- Yes. - I beg you to do me a favor.

You loo lie a man who's not afraid of adventure.

Perhaps even welcomes it.

Your life is in danger, right?

Yes. How did you now?

I am a dead woman if I'm recognized and I must get to Marraech today.

- You want my passport, right? - Yes.

And your jacet.

And the contents of your suitcase in exchange for mine.

- It means my life. - You see,

the thing is, I gotta be in Marraech by Saturday.

Today's Friday.

The American embassy will issue you another passport in a few hours.

I will meet you tonight in Marraech.

Loo, let me just chec this out with someone.

No! Above all, you must tell no one of this. No one.

Not even your wife.

I'm not married.

What is your name?

Haw. It's short for The Haw.

There was a little incident with a gang, you now, a lucy shot...

The name just stuc.

The Haw.

It is a very bold name.

A brave name.

But perhaps this is too much to as, even of a man with so brave a name.

Is it?

Does The Haw fly?

Chuc?

Chuc!

Hi. Hi, how are you?

- What'd you do, go shopping? - No, I... Yeah.

No idding. Nice jacet.

Now, see, I'd loo lie a truc in that jacet.

Listen...

- What? - My passport's gone.

- What? - But don't get panicy.

I lost my passport. But we'll report it to the embassy,

I'll get another one right away. It's no big deal.

Attention. Attention. A military cudew is in effect...

Not on Friday and not in Ishtar.

You're lucy the planes are flying.

This country's on the brin of civil war.

No, no! This is it! This is the end!

- Calm down, Lyle. - We're gonna lose our booing.

We're gonna be canceled. We're gonna be fired.

We're gonna be stuc here in Ishtar with no money, no job!

Oh, my God, what have I done? I don't believe me!

It was just an accident.

Lyle, you gotta go to Marraech without me.

- Who, me? - Yeah.

- You gotta do a single until I get there. - A what?

- A single. - We were hired as a team.

Yes, but now they don't have anyone. One of us is better than nothing.

Lyle, you can do it. Sing Simon Garfunel. You're a big talent.

Please don't mae me responsible for ruining our careers.

I can't handle it.

Lyle, we're almost broe.

All persons on the streets after dark are subject to search and arrest.

- How much is it? - Twenty hundred limsas.

- Twenty hundred? - Yeah.

How can it be twenty hundred...

Twenty hundred limsas.

Oay, that's 1,500, right? I'm not gonna have enough.

Thousand five hundred and fifty, 60, 70, 80, 90...

- Sixteen hundred. 1,610, 20... - Welcome, sir.

That's all right. I'll tae my own bag.

- Please let me get my own bag. - No problem.

- How about the tip? - I don't have it.

Please let me get my own bag! Please, can I get my own bag, because...

Oh, God! What have I done?

- Hi. - Yeah.

How are you doing? I'm Jim Harrison.

I heard there was another American in the hotel, I thought I'd buy you dinner.

- I'm from New Yor. - Me, too.

- Yeah? - Yeah, great.

Great meeting you. I'm starved.

You see, Jim, all the big record companies wanna sign us for an album,

but right now, we're just refining our songs, you now?

So we don't get ripped off by people lie Simon Garfunel

and, you now, Springsteen.

So we do it in Morocco.

Then it's ours.

You now, you're the first guy in show business I've met over here.

Do me a favor. Do me a favor.

Do an autograph for my id.

Here. Come on.

- Yeah, sure. - Just write "To Jim. "

Yeah.

- I really appreciate it. - Sure. My pleasure.

- Jim? - Yeah.

- That's a nice pen. - Keep it.

- No, no, no, you... - Keep it. Go ahead.

Keep it, eep it!

You can buy me a drin when I get to Morocco.

So, what are you doing here, Jim?

I'm with the CIA.

- Interesting wor? - It's oay.

It's a little rough right now because the communists are trying to instigate a coup

against the Emir and tae over Ishtar.

Why?

That's how it wors.

Today they get Ishtar, tomorrow they get North Africa.

Why?

That's how it wors.

Every once in a while, an American comes over,

and we as him to eep his eyes and ears open for us

and we pay him a little something.

You'd be surprised how many harmless conversations

are really the first step toward recruiting agents

for left-wing organizations.

A guy comes up to you and he starts taling

about poverty and injustice in Ishtar. And there is poverty and injustice in Ishtar.

Of course.

He could be sincere. He could be saying exactly what he means...

- Sure. - Or he could be feeling you out.

- That's right. That's right. - Right.

To see if he can dupe you into becoming an agent

for a so-called "people's movement. "

So when you say that you pay them a little something?

150 a wee. It's not much,

but you can't really put a price on democracy.

- No. - No.

Although 150 a wee is a start.

And now, from the team of Rogers Clarke,

Rogers!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you.

I'd like to sing a few songs tonight from the Simon Gadunkel songbook.

Hey, I'm glad you like them, too.

So you just call out your favorite Simon Gadunkel songs and...

Fascination.

That Old Black Magic.

That's Amore.

The Yellow Rose of Texas.

Memories.

Y.M. C.A.

Thank you very much. Now, see if you remember this one.

As Time Goes By.

This guy eeps on playing.

- What about That's Amore? - Yeah!

That's Amore.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lyle Rogers!

Thank you, I'm Chuck Clarke.

How did you get here? It's not Monday.

I met this guy in Ishtar who had pull at the embassy.

Lyle, listen to that hand! We're a hit!

I am Ahmad bin Ali. I'm the Caid of Assari.

It was I that called out for the Yellow Rose of Texas.

Perhaps you would care to entertain at my worthless palace.

- I just loved you. - Than you. Than you.

I bet we could have any woman in this club.

Not me. Women don't lie me.

Maybe I'll just go to sleep now, I don't now.

Yeah, why don't you get some sleep?

I thin I'm gonna drive around for a while,

try to come down off this high.

Tomorrow night, we'll sing our songs.

Hold it, buddy!

All right, pal. What do you thin you're doing?

What is that? What have you got?

You're the guy who stole Chuc's passport.

I found it.

Then when I ased around, I was told that the owner was staying here.

What do you thin I am, boy? A fool?

Don't try it, don't try it! I'll ill you in a fight.

Boy, you're soft, pal. You are soft.

I'm telling the truth.

You thin I'm a big, dumb hic American, don't you?

Now I'm gonna turn you over to the police, boy!

They'll put me in jail. My family will starve.

Don't hand me that crap. I don't believe a word of it...

Oh, my God.

Get away from me, boy. Get away. Stay bac. Stay bac!

I'm warning you.

Now, I didn't hit you hard because I'm bigger than you are,

but don't try it again.

How old are you, 15? What, your voice is still changing.

You're just a id.

What ind of life is this, breaing into hotel rooms, robbing people,

issing guys on the mouth?

Don't you thin you ought to be trying something younger?

Yes, but poverty has made me old.

I don't have a lot of cash, but why don't you tae this?

And buy yourself something that's fun.

Get yourself a nice ite or a fishing pole.

Did your daddy ever tae you fishing?

My father is dead.

I have no one to protect me.

That's tough for a boy, not having a father.

- Here, get up. - Listen to me.

Your roommate is a CIA agent. The room may be wired.

He gave me his passport in Ishtar.

- Are these breasts? - Listen to me.

You have seen Ishtar, you have see the poverty,

the injustice, the death squads.

These are the things the CIA supports by eeping Emir Yousef in power.

For God's sae!

Forget my body.

I am begging you to give me the chance to overthrow a tyrant.

Please.

You are ind.

The privation and torture of thousands can end

if you will return the contents of my suitcase to me.

Where are they?

In there.

I gave them to your roommate when we exchanged jacets.

No, no, no, you got that all wrong.

Chuc bought that jacet and he lost his passport.

And he's not a CIA agent, he's a songwriter.

Yes, then why am I wearing his jacet?

Loo at it, it is his jacet.

Where did I get his passport?

How did he get to Morocco in only 24 hours?

Why is he accepting money from the CIA?

Boy, you got a lot of trics, don't you?

First you're a guy and you got Chuc's passport.

Then you're a girl and you got his jacet.

That is a warning. I beg you, say nothing of this visit.

It means my life.

If you decide I'm telling the truth, go to the camel maret in Shali Benimal.

Shali Benimal?

- And find Mohamad. - Mohamad.

Tell him that you wish to buy a blind camel.

- A blind camel. - He will contact me.

Contact you?

The dome of the Emir's palace in Ishtar is gold.

The people have never seen a refrigerator.

Shali Benimal. As for Mohamad. Tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

A blind camel.

Good evening, sir.

I'm sorry. I turned left on Muamal Haifa Boulevard, but I ended up on...

It's only been an hour, it's all right.

I'm sorry.

Tens, fives, ones. As you requested.

1-5-0.

I feel a little funny not telling Lyle about this. You now what I mean?

Where do I say I got the money from?

Don't tell him about the money.

I would never hold out on Lyle.

You're holding out on him now.

You didn't tell him you were coming to this meeting.

You told him you were going for a drive.

Well, yeah, that's because...

- How do you now what I told him? - The pen.

- What, this pen? - It's a microphone.

- You bugged me? - Yeah.

I had to, Chuc. We had to mae sure you didn't now what was involved

when you helped Shirra Assel get out of Ishtar.

- Shirra? Assel? - Chuc.

Shirra Assel arrived in Marraech last night using your passport.

Please, don't deny it.

Miss Assel is a left-wing agent.

Her brother was illed three days ago when he found a map

that could destabilize the entire Middle East.

It could certainly cost us Ishtar and we can't afford that, Chuc,

especially since Morocco signed a pact with Gaddafi.

Is that near here?

Gaddafi's a person. He rules Libya.

Oh, yeah.

But that's near here, isn't it?

Libya?

Yeah, Libya's near here. Yeah.

Every intelligence agency that has ties to the Middle East

is interested in this map.

We strongly believe that Shirra Assel has it,

and we've got to find her quicly before they do.

Here's the thing, Jim. I don't now where she is.

I believe you, Chuc, I believe you.

But we thin your roommate does.

- Lyle? Rogers? - Yes.

We have reason to believe that Lyle Rogers is a left-wing agent.

Jim, get off this road. You're heading straight for wa-wa land.

Chuc, while I was waiting for you here,

Shirra Assel was spotted leaving your hotel room.

When she left, her clothes were torn, her shirt was out,

she was breathing heavily.

We feel fairly certain that there was a sexual encounter

between Shirra Assel and Lyle.

And that Lyle was recruited as a left-wing agent when they...

Don't be silly. Lyle's not a communist. He's from the South.

And I don't thin she's that ind of girl.

She's a suspected terrorist.

Granted, but that doesn't mean she sleeps around.

And how come you don't now what happened in that hotel room?

Why didn't you bug it?

- We couldn't. - Why?

Who booed you in there, anyway?

- Our hotel? - Yeah.

Marty Freed, our agent.

Marty Freed, independent agent.

What do you now about him?

What do you now about Mr. Freed?

Here's the money. I don't thin I wanna do this.

You just thin it over, you decide what you wanna tell me.

Here's a beeper. You can get in touch with me just by using that.

- It's solid silver. - Well, I'm not gonna be using...

Solid silver?

I go to the camel maret in Shali Benimal, I as for Mohamad

and tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

He will contact her.

I go to the camel maret in Shali Benimal, as for Mohamad

and tell him I wanna buy a blind camel. He will contact her.

- Hi. - Hi.

I was...

I was wondering who lived here.

You ever wonder that about old houses? Who lives in them?

I was just coming bac to get you.

I just ran out to get you.

I was going for a wal.

I thought you wanted to tae the car because the eys were gone.

Well, let's...

Let's wal.

It's funny, isn't it? You never appreciate your own country till you leave it.

- Where'd you go? - Just looing.

I'm taling to you.

I hear you.

You now that in Russia communists can't go into business.

Did you now that in Ishtar the dome of the Emir's palace is gold?

And the people have never seen a refrigerator?

Did you know that Gaddafi has signed a pact with Morocco?

I can't believe these men may control the fate of the Middle East.

And I'll tell you another thing.

- Spices for the mind? - No.

- Kif? Hashish? - No thans.

- Hashish? - Good stuff, yes.

No, no thans.

Need a guide? I'm Abdul. Whatever you thin it's worth.

- No, thanks. - I have a sister in the United States.

- You now Philadelphia? - Thin we're turning here.

You need a guide? Whatever you thin it's worth.

This is the old city. Don't loo at the shopeepers!

Don't advise us. We don't want to be advised.

We're not paying you, oay?

My uncle sells rugs in the next souk.

I can get you a price.

Don't hustle me. I'm from New Yor. I'm in show business.

The KGB is here. I recognize two agents.

- The ones dressed as Texans? - No.

The ones dressed as Arabs.

The ones dressed as Texans are Arab agents.

I also recognize two guys from Turish intelligence.

- In the Hawaiian shirts? - No, Bermuda shorts.

The ones in the Hawaiian shirts are tourists.

It's too bad you don't have a girl. These would mae such nice presents.

Yeah?

- Who you gonna give yours to? - My mother.

25 dirham more.

Too bad you can't afford something better for your mother.

You ought to try socing some money away.

Behave normally. We have guns pointed at your bac.

No, don't put your hands up, you idiot!

Walk out casually talking to us. Come on.

Red-Fez-Alert. Birds are being netted. Hunters unnown.

Repeat, hunters unknown.

- Where are you from? - Ponder, Texas.

I'm from near there. You now Vermont?

You all right?

Come on!

- Coming through. Excuse me. - We're coming through.

- This is the residential section. - You're hired!

You get us out of here alive, you'll get double your price.

Whatever you thin it's worth.

Oh, my God!

This is the shop of my uncle, the rug dealer.

Let's go.

Come, my friends. Quicly, this way.

When they find out you are not in rugs, they may come bac.

Go! Quicly! Go, go!

My car is pared at the other end of the medina.

Come on, come on, hurry!

Where are we going?

The camel maret, Shali Benimal!

Attention. Attention. A military cudew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

All persons on the streets after dark are subject to search and arrest.

Jim Harrison.

- Your Excellency. Good to see you. - My old friend.

- How nice to see you. - Good to see you.

- Mint tea? - No, thans.

- Kahwa? - No, thans.

- Pepsi-Cola? - No.

Thans for your overwhelming hospitality.

Please be seated.

I've got a helicopter waiting. May I spea brisly?

Please.

A little while ago, your men tried to ill two Americans in Marraech.

What? I am shooed and saddened. Who were they?

They were your men. They were using the Kalashniov rifles we sold you.

No, no, I mean, who were the Americans?

Your Excellency, must we go through this?

These men are pawns.

Their only use is as a lin to Shirra Assel and the map.

Jim, I now nothing of any of this.

However, when two Americans on their way to Marraech

arrive in Ishtar by way of Air Canary

and within minutes mae contact with the most hunted fugitive in the country

and give her a passport, I would hardly call them pawns.

- They're pawns. - Soon, their escape will be called a miracle!

Next, they will be hailed as the two messengers of God.

- Your Excellency... - You do not understand.

Please, be seated.

What you are dealing with here, these are fanatical devout Shiites

for whom this map is a sign to rise up against me.

Your Excellency.

May I spea?

Please.

Your Excellency, what good will it do if we neutralize these two Americans?

- The map will still exist. - Yes, but they won't.

I see.

Once the people see that God does not wor miracles for those who oppose me

but that they are executed as ordinary political prisoners...

No. If two Americans die,

it has to be unofficially.

Congress will have a fit if they find out there's another CIA hit list.

How they die is unimportant,

as long as their bodies do not disappear, I want no more rumors.

And it has to be done by next weeend.

The United States government will not be blacmailed.

However, I see no difficulty in meeting your timetable.

Here we are. Camel maret. Shali Benimal.

I'll be bac in a while.

All right, I'll be here.

Where are you going?

I wanna eep an eye on him, mae sure he doesn't get into trouble.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Sorry, I can't tal that. Excuse me, is this a hotel?

Mohamad?

- I am Mohamad. - I am Mohamad.

You're idding? You're Mohamad? First time up, I hit a home run.

I wanna buy a blind camel.

I'm American. Do you spea English?

- English? - English?

I am speaing English. You tell me, I tell him.

Than you. Would you tell him I want to buy a blind camel?

A blind camel.

He will find you a blind camel.

He also nows of a camel which has a crippled leg and no teeth.

He will sell you both for a special price.

Would you lie a dead camel?

No, no. Just tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

He'll now what I mean.

So your friend told you about Mohamad and you, no doubt, told the CIA.

That's what I thought might happen.

- I've been looing for you. - Why?

Is your life in danger again? What do you need this time, a donor heart?

I want the contents of my suitcase.

Sure. Here.

It's in my room at the Chez Casablanca. Help yourself.

Don't play with me. I'm not such a fool!

Half an hour after you left this morning, I broe into your room

and I stole the suitcase. The map was not in it.

Is that where the map was?

Gave it to Jim Harrison, didn't you? CIA has it?

No, I didn't tell them about the suitcase.

You're lying. You went through the suitcase, you found the map!

You found the map! You gave it to Jim Harrison!

Hey, shoot me or lower your voice and stop throwing Jim Harrison up to me.

The only reason Jim Harrison hired me

was because you recruited Lyle as a communist.

I gave you my passport. I carried all your stuff out of Ishtar.

Why didn't you recruit me as a communist? Wasn't I good enough?

I don't now what you're taling about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loo, forget it. What's done is done.

Lyle is your communist, so go bother him. I don't care anymore.

Can you be telling the truth?

Hey, you have a right to pic who you want.

It's a free country. No thans to you and Lyle.

My God.

Oh, my God.

You are telling the truth.

- Listen to me. - Hey, don't sit on the bed.

It's too late for that now.

The things in that suitcase, they came from my brother's room.

I paced them the night he was illed.

He called me on the phone.

I new from what he said that he had hidden the map

somewhere in his things.

I grabbed them all, I put them in his suitcase

and I put on his clothes

so I would loo lie a boy

and I ran.

I was hunted almost from the start.

I never even had a chance to loo through the things I had paced.

When I met you at the airport, you were my last hope.

Gee, I wish there was something I could do.

There is. Please tell no one I don't have the map.

It means my life.

That means your life, too?

I am a member of the party that opposes the Emir.

It means the life of anyone in Ishtar.

Without the map, I'll be illed on sight.

No idding? Does the CIA now this?

Haw,

this is an ancient, devious world,

and you come from a young country.

Promise me you will eep my secret without trying to understand it?

Sure. If it means your life.

Perhaps...

Maybe one day we will meet again.

One day? Are you idding? We'll meet every day.

It's only the beginning.

You're a true American.

I new you were a nice girl.

Chuc? Hi.

I bought a few things. Here's a hand-dyed Tuareg gown here.

This is a keffiyeh, lie this is a keffiyeh,

and here is a red scarf I got for practically nothing.

What are you doing with a camel?

That's a long story. He's another one of the things I bought.

- What do you mean? - Well...

- You bought a camel? - Well, yeah...

Well, no, I didn't actually buy him, they sold him to me.

Come on, buddy. Easy, boy. Easy, boy.

What the hell's the matter with him? Is he blind?

Well, yeah, he is, but he's in perfect condition.

They used him for drawing well water up a trac.

Lyle, are you crazy?

I'm not supposed to have him permanently, I don't thin. It's just...

I thin it's, ind of, a sign.

Lyle, get rid of the camel, let's get you out of the sun.

Well, the sun can't hurt me, I got my keffiyeh.

Oh, God. I got a feeling something went wrong

and now I own a blind camel.

- Lyle. - I own a blind camel.

Lyle, put this over your face. Keep your head down.

Keep waling and don't tal loud.

Why? What's the matter?

- What are they doing here? - I thin they're looing for us.

- I thin you're right. - Give me that scarf.

Oay.

Tae it behind the hump and put it on.

Hold her steady.

I can't hold her too tight because it hurts her tooth.

Loosen the rope. Loosen the rope. Don't let her scream.

Yeah, oay.

You all right?

Are you all right?

Yeah, fine.

Here, tae this gown and tae it behind that building there and put it on.

The guy that sold you that camel has probably described you down to your socs.

Give me the rope.

You gotta hold it down. He doesn't lie it when you hold it up.

He's got a bad tooth.

Will you go?

- How much for the camel? - Jim!

Keep your voice down. Point at the camel as we spea.

- How did you find us? - The beeper.

You mean this thing is a bug, too?

Only at close range. We use it basically to trac with.

The men in straw hats are members of Emir Yousef's army.

They're trying to ill you.

I thought Emir Yousef was our guy?

He is. He is,

but he doesn't lie the idea of your friend dealing with a nown communist.

Don't touch his mouth. One of his teeth is bad.

Jim, I'd lie to go over the Shirra Assel situation with you.

As one agent to another, I've heard the Emir is a pric.

Really? Well, we'll have to loo into that.

But the main thing is to get you out of town before you're recognized.

Do you now anything about the desert?

Yeah. That's where Las Vegas is. Cute, huh?

That is cute, yeah. "That's where Las Vegas is. "

That's a good one. I'll have to remember that.

You can stop pointing now.

Stand up.

There's two canteens and a compass in here.

Two canteens, compass.

You and Lyle wal out of town, wal southeast.

Southeast.

In a couple of hours, you'll run into the Harridan oasis.

Harridan oasis.

- How do we now... - You'll now it. You can't miss it.

We'll pic you up there. Move the camel.

Move the camel.

- The camel. Move the camel. - Move the camel. Where?

Anywhere. He's on my foot.

Sorry.

What the hell's the matter with that camel?

- Is he blind? - Yeah.

Jim, I'd lie to go over these directions with you once more

before Lyle comes bac.

He promised he would say nothing. He gave me his word.

And 20 minutes later, Jim Harrison appeared here?

Shirra, we have no choice.

It is a pity you told him we don't have the map, but you did.

If he tals, we'll all be dead by tomorrow. And our families.

Shirra, do you dare ris all our lives for them?

- No. - It is terrible

to send two men into the desert to die.

No, it is better to ill two men than 200.

But it is much harder.

Do not turn around. Tae these.

Give me the cloth. I'll wrap it around your head as we spea.

Your life is in danger.

Tae your friend and start waling into the desert.

Drop the beads as you go.

When you cannot see the town anymore, stop.

Wait until night and then follow the beads bac.

They are golamine beads. They glow in the dar.

Could I have a map instead?

There is no map of the desert.

Everyone uses golamine beads.

How do you now they'll stay there? What about birds and wind?

The birds in the desert eat only flesh and there is no wind.

Will you still be here when we get bac?

Yes, I will be here. Go quicly, now.

I thin about you all the time.

Sometimes I imagine you dressed lie a girl.

- We're waling along... - We'll tal about it tonight.

Go now.

It is done.

How come you're dropping beads?

How come you're dropping beads? Your neclace is too heavy?

No, I'm maing a trail. That's what they do when they come out here.

They drop these beads, and then, when it gets dar, they shine

and they can follow them all the way bac to town.

What if they want to just go forward?

Oh, well, then the beads don't help.

So I guess it's a good idea that I bought a compass.

- You bought a compass? - Yeah.

- When? - When I got the canteens.

- You bought canteens? - Yeah.

Tae one sip at a time. That water has to last you about another 48 minutes.

- Why? What happens in 48 minutes? - We run out of water.

No, seriously, though,

I hear there's an oasis

about an hour and a half outside of Shali Benimal. Come on.

I don't thin it's smart to eep waling out here in the desert.

We'll be there in a minute. If you're tired, ride the camel.

Ride it?

How do I get up on it?

Here, I'll give you a boost.

This way, boy! This way, boy!

This way, boy! This way!

How long before they're inoperative?

Well, they're going southeast, so the sun's gonna get stronger.

By tonight, they'll be out of water, miles from the well.

Tomorrow morning, they should stop moving.

And by tomorrow afternoon, they should be dead.

That's a funny pattern. Are they drun?

No, the camel's blind.

- You're idding? - No.

I can't understand. We should've hit that oasis seven minutes ago.

I can't even see the town anymore.

No, we can't stop now. We're gonna hit it any minute.

Come on, now. Come on.

- We'll be there in minutes. - I really got to stop.

Want some water? Let me give you a little water.

Wait, wait. What's the matter?

- It's... - What's the matter?

It's hot today.

Chuc!

Chuc!

What happened?

Hold on, Haw! Hold on! I'm coming.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Chuc! Chuc, get up!

No, no, no, no! No, no, no! Not dead. Just resting!

Bad bird! Bad! Bad! Bad!

Oh, no.

Haw, hold on, I'm coming.

Are you crazy? I'm moving.

Haw.

Just wait a minute. Here. Just drin a little bit of this.

Don't spill it, Haw. Don't spill it. Come on, that's it. All right. Oay.

Is this the oasis?

- Does this loo lie an oasis to you? - Yeah. Loo at the birds.

- Are those vultures? - Yeah. You fainted.

They thought you were dead.

- You mean they're here on spec? - Yeah.

I thin it's very important not to let yourself get too run down when you come out here.

We just can't afford to wal around looing for an oasis. Do you understand?

I don't understand it. It was just an hour and a half outside of Shali Benimal.

- You can't miss it. - Who told you that?

- Who told you that? - I can't remember.

Well, we missed it. So here's to my beads.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you crazy? That's our only water.

So what? We're gonna be bac in Shali Benimal in a little while.

It's gonna be night. You don't need water at night.

Lyle. Lyle, are you sure it's safe to count on a lot of beads in the desert

- for a trail? - Yeah.

- What if there's a big wind? - There is no wind in the desert.

- Who told you that? - I can't remember.

I see.

- To the beads. - To the beads.

We will leave for Ishtar tomorrow morning, and you are coming with us, Professor.

Hasad and I will tae over the transmitter

and we'll broadcast as the two messengers of God

and promise the Shiites that if they rise up, the Emir will fall as prophesied.

- I see. - You will be there to verify it.

It'll be rather difficult to do without the map, won't it?

By the time we are ased to produce it, Ishtar will be ours.

You'll be slaughtered.

A few hundred guerrillas and a mob of angry Shiites

against an army trained and equipped by the Americans?

You underestimate us, Professor.

We have a networ of mercenaries, tribesmen,

- all starting for Ishtar tonight. - Armed?

The desert is filled with dealers in blac-maret arms.

They will be armed.

Well, you appear to have thought of everything.

Except the possibility that the two Americans will survive

and let out that you don't have the map.

I have thought of that, too.

That is why I put a price of 20,000 dirham on their heads this afternoon.

If they survive the desert, they will not survive that.

- You are a murderer. - And what are you?

Or do you thin a bullet is crueler than what they face now?

It's getting nippy.

- I don't see any beads shining, do you? - Well, it isn't dar yet.

- Oh, my God! - What?

- We're gonna miss our show! - Oh, no!

Oh, yes! Yes!

- Shit! - Yes. Well, well, well.

That is it, isn't it? Now we're gonna get blacballed at the Chez Casablanca.

We're never gonna wor in Morocco again.

They're gonna call Marty, word's gonna get out.

We will never get another booing. What have you done?

- What have I done? You're blaming me? - Yes, I am!

- On me? - On you! You're a spy.

That's how come everybody's trying to ill us.

This is a joe. You thin those guys are after us because they thin I'm a spy, huh?

Those guys are after us because they thin that you now where Shirra Assel's map is!

- Who is Shirra Assel Smap? - Come on!

Don't play sucer games with me!

You're not selling watered-down gas to some schmuck in Ponder, Texas!

This is the Haw taling! What? You thin I don't now

that you spent a half-hour with Shirra Assel in our hotel room?

Is she the guy with your jacet and your passport that you told me you lost in Ishtar?

Yeah. And I suppose you don't now what her name is?

- I don't. - And you don't now about the map?

- What map? - "What map?"

The map that could lose us Ishtar and enflame the whole Middle East.

Well, that's your department. You're the guy taing money from the CIA.

That money is for us.

- That money is for the... - The money's for us? Well, I don't want it!

I don't thin it's right to tae money

for eeping a guy lie the Emir of Ishtar in power.

- He's a bad guy. - Knoc it off.

Brown-nosing the commies won't get you my girl.

Your girl? How did she get to be your girl?

Let me tell you something!

If she's anybody's girl, it's the guy you're sitting in bac of!

You poor putz!

Don't you have any sense of reality?

Do you really thin you can get a girl away from...

- What are you crying about? - Cry?

- Was I too tough on you? - I'm not crying!

A piece of sand blew in my eye!

Cry? You don't get it. She lies me. She gave me the golamine beads. She told...

A piece of sand blew in my eye?

What does this mean?

This must be one of them once-in-a-lifetime things,

lie the glaciers melting.

- This way, boy. This way. - Easy, fella. Easy.

This way!

Easy, fella. Easy.

This son of a bitch! Now he's tired.

My hips are loced.

Don't do that. Hey.

Don't wipe your face with that. The dye's coming off on your sin.

- Who's gonna see me? - That's not the point.

- Dye is carcinogenic. - You're right.

- Lyle. - It's gonna be a scorcher.

Lyle, Lyle. Loo. Loo.

Get down.

Could that be a mirage?

- We both see it. How could it be a mirage? - You're right.

Lyle.

Lyle, go down to that truc and try to get us some water.

But be careful, because they may be looing for us.

So act lie an Arab. Are you listening to me?

And whatever you do, don't tal.

- How can I as for water? - Use hand gestures. Be inventive.

- You do it. - I can't. Loo how I'm dressed.

Lyle, what is the big deal? Go on, you're just gonna as for some water.

We lost our canteens. Attaboy! Attaboy.

Hey, you!

You, on the top!

Yeah! Are you the auctioneer?

- Are you the auctioneer? - Yes.

You understand English?

- Do you understand English? - Yes.

Great. We're in business.

- Two Kalashniovs. - Right.

These babies should bring us a pretty good price.

We start soon, yes?

Here's our boy.

His name is Hair.

Than God you're here.

Listen, Hair. These Berbers are all from different tribes with different dialects.

They don't understand Arabic or each other. We don't understand them.

- I hope to God you do. - Yes.

- I understand all Berber dialects. - Very good.

Now, we pay you 200 dirham for the job. One hundred now and 100 later.

Hair.

This is not Arabic.

I spea no Arabic. I am a Berber from the north of here.

Early on, I was sent by my tribe to trade with other tribes

the delft of our hills.

There, I learned from each tribe his dialect.

- And where did you learn English? - We had much delft.

Even as you come here to trade, my saharo sent me there.

You now Philadelphia?

All right, go on, then.

Hair, we want you to close your eyes and put your hands by your side,

and tell these men that their camels have been stolen.

Pardon, I don't...

With your eyes closed, and no gestures of any ind,

tell this bunch, on the other side of the truc,

you saw their camels being stolen.

- Do it! - Surely.

- What was I supposed to say again? - Do it.

Come on!

- They understood something. - They understood everything.

Some say, "Oh, my God. What?"

Still others say, "But I just saw my camel. He was fine. "

And still others say, "What did he say?"

I'm sorry, old man, but a translator who speas all Berber dialects

and English but no Arabic?

- I don't believe it. This man is a fae. - Oh, no.

Well, they don't seem to thin so.

Hair, loo.

Tell these wallahs that our weapons come straight from the Saharawi desert.

Tell them the Americans give the Ishtari new weapons,

but these are better because they've already been tested in battle.

Keep hitting the used-is-better-than-new idea.

- Used is better than new. - Yeah. They'll buy it. Go on, sell them.

They say they could hardly believe their ears.

Do you really expect them to swallow such nach-nach?

Still others just shrug and question your sanity.

First the camels and then this.

- Tough crew, eh? - Very tough. Berbers.

Now what?

They wonder when the water will be passed.

Wonder when the water will be passed?

Screw the water! We're not selling water! Start the bidding!

Five? Five? Five?

- Five! - I got five!

Six? I got six? I got six!

This one! Tell them about this one!

Eight thousand. Eight thousand.

Kareem Abdul, Kareem Abdul...

Abdul-Jabbar!

Twelve. Twelve thousand.

He's got it. Is that 12? Let him have it.

Here, here.

Jim, you called it. Hasn't moved in almost 20 minutes.

Right on schedule.

- How's your foot? - Good, good. Better, thans.

011-401.

This is Circuit-breaker. Come in, 011-401.

I read you, Circuit-breaer. This is 011-401.

The expiration date is nearly due on those pacages and the sender wants an ID.

So trac them with the chopper, and try to fly where you won't be seen.

Because the Ishtari have American choppers that they're picking off gunrunners with,

and we don't want to be associated with that.

I thin we've hit some gunrunners.

Something must be wrong with the beeper. This can't be their location.

- We've been sighted. - Loo at them go.

- Son of a bitch! - What?

It's them!

- Let's get the hell out of here! - They don't loo dead to me.

- Let's go. - American chopper, come here! Come here!

- Hey! - Don't go away! No!

Shit! They didn't see us.

Shit.

We didn't get any water.

Yeah, but we got these.

I bet you these babies are worth a couple of canteens.

You want to drag these around till we find somebody with water?

Lyle, that chopper was looing for us. I'll bet you anything.

The CIA nows we're lost, because we didn't show up at the oasis.

If we can just stay alive for a couple of days, they'll find us.

Then we can get out of here and go home. Wouldn't that be great?

- Get out of here and go home. - Yeah, I wanna go home.

Attention. Attention. A military cudew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

All persons on the streets after dark...

It has to be official!

Your Excellency, I assure you,

the CIA is doing everything in its power to eep you safe.

We have 25,000 American advisers.

The CIA! The CIA did everything in its power

to eep Anwar Sadat and the Shah safe. How safe were they?

Are the two American messengers of God dead yet?

- I can chec. - Yes, chec.

I want to announce their death tonight.

Your Excellency, the announcement of the death of these two men...

Who have made me loo foolish and strengthened the belief that

God has a hand in my overthrow? What of them?

We would lie their deaths to appear as from natural causes.

A bullet in the desert is not unnatural.

Especially when there are so many gunrunners and mercenaries about.

Jim, the enemy of my enemies is my friend.

Now, these two men are my enemies, just as Libya is yours.

- Tonight. - Yes, Your Excellency.

Water.

My lips are on fire.

With my desire

Foryou

Good song.

So let me drink some water

Oh, let me drink some wine

If you're not my daughter

Will you still be mine?

What have I done with my life, Lyle?

Not now, Chuc. Not now. Not now.

No children. No wife.

Chuc, this isn't really a good time to get depressed.

You're right. I don't now what's wrong with me.

- Loo at the upside. - What?

We're not living lives of quiet desperation.

- I guess I just have the blues. - Yeah.

- Hey. - What?

All the folks that don't have money

Are they poor? Well, sure

Good rhyme.

But that's not poverty, baby

That's not the thought of the Have Not Blues

Tae it!

They have not got soles on their shoes

But I have not got you

Yeah.

This is some of our best wor. You got a pencil?

Come on now, Lyle. Get a pencil.

Hey, I wonder if we're here.

Don't lose it, Lyle. Lyle?

This is really interesting.

I'm not depressed anymore.

It shows you where you are in terms of the sun.

I mean, you don't now much about where you are in terms of where you are...

Lyle, don't scare me. You're all I have.

No, so help me, the lining of your jacet's a map.

- Loo at it. - What?

You got the East there, the sun coming up. The West right there.

- It is a map. - Well, yeah!

This must be the map.

Shirra's map. The map that everyone's been looing for.

You mean, the map that could cost us Ishtar and enflame the Middle East?

- Yeah. - In the lining of a jacet?

Schmuck. It's not the real lining. Someone sewed it in.

Loo at this thread, it's all sloppy and crooed.

Shirra's brother must've sewed it in.

Can I give it to her with you?

Yeah.

That means we can't tell the CIA about it.

- Well, it's not their map. - It's her map.

- Yeah. - She's gone through enough.

Boy, she must've gone through a lot if she found out about that wind.

Yeah.

- That was a weird one. - Yeah.

No one. No one even mentioned it

during the auction.

- And they didn't shine. - What didn't?

- The beads. They didn't shine. - How would you now?

They were probably in Kansas five minutes after the wind hit.

No, but the beads on my neclace didn't shine.

They're the ones I was dropping.

That's right.

I don't remember them shining last night.

In fact, I remember them not shining.

Gee.

We're approaching the target. Over.

Come in as low as you can. They'll hold still for you.

I want those bullets to look like they came from the ground.

- They're coming into range. - Tae her down.

- Hey! - They see us!

He's landing!

Right here!

Hey!

- He's pointing a gun at us. - No, he's not pointing it at us.

He's just riding shotgun in case there's trouble.

- He's aiming at us. - Will you stop being paranoid!

Run!

Get away! Run! Run! Run!

They're splitting. Go for the one in blue.

The other's just standing there.

What's happening?

Run, smuck! They're trying to ill us!

You mean those prics are trying to ill us, too?

Run! Run in a crooed line!

Run! Keep running!

Go!

Run!

Oh, my God! I don't believe this is happening.

You're too high. Come down.

No one's gonna measure whether the guy who shot them was six foot or 16!

Are you serious?

Two Americans shot in a desert? Of course they'll measure.

This goes in here.

Turn it over. Turn it over.

I wish this gun was mounted.

- What the... - Jesus Christ! They're firing at us!

Great shot!

I used to hunt every day before the tire factory opened.

They're using an automatic rifle. We've been hit.

Bac off and tae cover.

I'm sending in a battle gunship. Over and out.

Son of a bitch.

- What's the matter with you, bitch? - Come on, now, get up!

- You idiot! You wanna get illed? - Come on, move! Move!

- We're trying to save your ass! - Move! Move!

- Get up! Get up! - Forget it, Chuc. Come here.

- They're gonna come bac and ill us. - Chuc, come on.

- That big, dumb, stupid-ass camel! - Let's move these.

He'd rather just sit there than move

when you as him. He'd rather get shot!

Actually, I ind of admire that.

- Me, too. - Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Here they come. Here they come.

There's two of them now.

- What should I tae? - Tae the M1, tae the M1.

- What's that? This one? - Right there. Yeah.

Isn't this amazing?

Nothing ever happened to us.

I mean, Willa left me, I played a couple of clubs...

- Nothing to write home about. - Right.

Now we're gonna die in the desert shooting helicopters.

That ain't poverty. That ain't poverty.

That ain't poverty, baby

That's not the thought of the Have Not Blues!

Folks have not got soles on their shoes

We didn't need a pencil.

There's ajeep moving in towards the target.

Hold your fire till it passes. Ifit stops, neutralize it. Over.

I read you, slider. I read you.

Hey.

Now there's a guy who wants to ill us bad enough to drive across the desert.

What are you trying to do, mae it loo lie a traffic accident?

Don't shoot! It's me, your guide. Abdul!

- Abdul? What are you doing here? - Looing for you.

I've been looing for you all night. Fortunately, I had a paying passenger.

- The jeep stopped. - Shit. Well, tae them all.

Be careful, one of them has got a rifle.

Go!

You stay with the machine gun.

- What do I do? - Just aim and fire.

Do you now how to use a grenade launcher?

- No. - This is the trigger.

Let them come in closer. When I give you the signal, stand and fire.

I have brought about your deaths. We will die together.

Now!

Holy shit!

Jim, I don't now what you had in mind, but this action is no longer covert.

We're now overtly firing on two Americans and God nows who else.

And they are armed to the teeth!

Get out, get out, get out. The mission's over. Just get out as quic, quic...

While we can still say we made a mistae. Get out.

- Fuc you! - Fuc you twice!

And two more from our friends!

Marty. Marty, if we agree to your terms, will we get the map?

I don't now anything about a map.

But if anything should happen to my clients, the map is up for grabs.

Here's the deal.

"One, social reforms in Ishtar as dictated by Shirra Assel. "

Right.

"Two, an immediate live-in-concert album

"for Rogers Clare at the Chez Casablanca

"to be financed and promoted worldwide by you. "

Promote Rogers Clarke worldwide?

No problem. Marty...

Let's work together as agents, Jim.

My pleasure. My pleasure. Tal to you soon.

It's a disaster.

The girl wants social reforms in Ishtar,

which means we probably have to get rid of the Emir.

But that's not the biggest problem.

We've got to actually bac an album with these guys

and promote them worldwide! Hold on one second.

Sir?

We did not shoot at two Americans in the desert. We did not.

Who told you that?

The Secretary of State? Well, how would he now?

Well, let me loo into it. I'm gonna loo into it right away.

I'll get right bac to you.

Get General Westlae to get the 7th Battalion

as an enthusiastic audience for a live concert.

Tell him... No, no, no, don't tell him that.

Tell him, "General, we've found the map.

"But we don't know where it is. But we know who has it.

"Shirra Assel and these two American entertainers

"who somebody shot at in the desert. "

And we've been able to mae a deal, General,

but we need our own men here because if anything happens to them,

the map goes to the KGB, but if Emir Yousef accepts Shirra Assel's reforms

and we bac their albums, they promise not to sell it to anyone else.

Bac their albums?

I'm Shirra Assel, their friend.

- I'm Abdul, their guide. - Marty Freed. I'm their agent.

I'd lie to get up, but I got such jet lag.

Ladies and gentlemen, by popular demand, Rogers Clarke.

Applaud! Pic it up! Yeah!

Applaud! Come on, come on!

Hello, Ishtar, you're more than a country You're a state of mind

Hello, Morocco, you're equally pretty You're never gonna get left behind

- Hello, romance - Hello, adventure

They wrote the music and the lyrics.

Most fun I've had so far

Here in Morocco, I found the spirit oflshtar

Mecca, Mecca

I look to Mecca and I see

The place where we live and the funny old tree

That we sat under when you first said to me

That's the single.

And a lawnmower can do all that It's amazing

I can see her standing in the backyard of my mind

She cracks her knuckles

And the scab that's on her knee won't go away

I can see the woman waiting in her eyes and I can see the love

But I can't see the Brooklyn Dodgers in LA

I feel so small when I look at the stars

How big is Venus?

How big is Mars?

I feel so small when I look at the sky

How big is heaven?

How big am I?

Applaud!

Encore!

- Applaud! - Encore!

Than you very much. Than you.

Can you believe this?

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

this next song is for a very lovely lady of the left.

This is unbelievable.

What is it?

I thin they're wonderful.

Telling the truth can be dangerous business

Honest and popular don't go hand in hand

If you admit that you can play the accordion

No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

But we can sing our hearts out

All night

And if we're lucky then no neighbors complain

Nobody knows where the beginning part starts out

Sing all right

But being human we can live with the pain

Because life is the way

We audition for God

Let us pray that we all get the job

Crying out loud gets you pointed and laughed at

Be like a baby Only babies should cry

Somebody tell me how that rumor got started

Some things I know that only God knows why

But we can sing