Original subtitles

- NOW, MR. GOLDEN, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

- "HUNK." CALL ME "HUNK" FOR NOW.

- ALL RIGHT.

- THANKS FOR SEEING ME ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

NOBODY ELSE WOULD.

- YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH.

- YEAH, WELL, IT IS.

FOR HIM.

- WHO IS HE?

- HIS--HIS NAME IS BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

- WHERE IS HE?

- RIGHT HERE.

I'M BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

ON THE INSIDE ANYWAY.

- LOOK, PLAYING AT SCHIZOPHRENIA IS NOT MY--

- YAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

LOOK, DOC, DIDN'T YOU EVER WANT TO BECOME SOMEBODY ELSE?

SOMEBODY EXCITING, SOMEBODY FANTASTIC?

I JUST HAPPEN TO BE THAT SOMEBODY FANTASTIC BRADLEY

BRINKMAN WANTED TO BECOME.

AND THEN BECAME.

- SOMEBODY WITH A FANTASTIC IMAGINATION, YOU MEAN.

- I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT YOU GOTTA HEAR MY STORY.

TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR BRADLEY.

AND FOR ME.

- ALL RIGHT.

I'LL HEAR YOUR STORY, BUT TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR US AS WELL.

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST BEGIN

WITH THE FIRST TIME THAT YOU BEGAN--

- AND BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

- THE FIRST TIME THAT YOU AND BRADLEY BRINKMAN BEGAN

TO FEEL THIS WAY.

- DOCTOR, IF I CONVINCE YOU, WILL YOU TAKE MY CASE?

- I'M LISTENING, MR. GOLDEN.

- UP UNTIL SIX WEEKS AGO, I REALLY WAS BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

HACK, COMPUTER HACK.

I SPENT THE FIVE YEARS SINCE COLLEGE CHAINED TO A

COMPUTER KEYBOARD.

EXCEPT FOR MY IMAGINATION, THAT IS.

I ALWAYS DAYDREAMED ABOUT BEING ONE OF THOSE

IMPOSSIBLY COOL GUYS YOU SEE IN THE MOVIES

OR COMMERCIALS.

YOU KNOW, THE GUY THAT DRIVE MASERATIS AND RUN

MAJOR CORPORATIONS.

THE KIND THAT DRIP WITH WOMEN AND SELF CONFIDENCE.

YOU KNOW, THE GUY THAT LOOK GREAT IN THOSE BIKINI BRIEFS

THAT RIDE UP THE CRACK IN YOUR BUNS.

UNFORTUNATELY, PERPETUAL DAYDREAMING DIDN'T LOOK

GREAT TO MY BOSS, CONSTANTINE CONSTAPOPOLIS

OF CONSTAPOPOLIS COMPUTERS.

- DAYDREAMS?

I'M PAYING YOU TO WRITE FOR ME DAYDREAMS?

- HI, MR. CONSTAPOPOLIS.

I WAS-- I REALLY-- I JUST DRIFTED OFF.

- YES, WAY OFF, BRINKMAN.

WAY OFF.

WAY OFF.

YOUR PROGRAM PROPOSAL'S SO BAD,

THE K-9000 SHUT DOWN WITH D.I. AGAIN.

- "DIGITAL INDIGESTION"?

- I'LL-- LOOK AT THIS.

CAMELS 'R' US.

THE BEDOUIN PROGRAM.

WHO'S GOT A CAMEL WITH A FLOPPY HUMP?

LOOK AT THIS ONE.

CONVERSATIONAL ICELANDIC.

WHO ARE YOU GONNA SELL IT TO?

PENGUINS ON TOUR?

LOOK AT THIS ONE.

SUSHI TOWERS.

EAT WHAT YOU BUILD.

YOU KNOW YOUR WORK HASN'T BEEN THE SAME EVER SINCE--

- SUSIE ELOPED WITH HER AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR. I--

- YEAH?

- I KNOW I KNOW-- HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND

REJECTED YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WEAR A LEOTARD AND

COUNT DURING SEX?

- LOOK, I'M RUNNING A BUSINESS HERE.

YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS--TWO WEEKS!

--TO MAKE A MONEY-MAKING IDEA UP HERE,

OR ELSE YOU'RE OFF STUFFING-- - THE GRAPE

all: THE GRAPE LEAVES IN MY ONE-EYED FATHER'S

GREEK RESTAURANT,

CYCLOPS WEST.

- THANK YOU, MR. CONSTAPOPOLIS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING

AND GENEROSITY.

- HAVE A GOOD DAY.

- THE NEW PROGRAM WAS DUE AT 9:00 A.M.

I WAS DESPERATE FOR A CONCEPT.

ANY CONCEPT BUT EVERYTHING I WROTE READ LIKE A ONE-WAY

TICKET TO THE SOUVLAKI LINE AT CYCLOPS WEST.

IT ALL SEEMED BEYOND HOPE WHEN I PUNCHED A DESPERATE

PLEA INTO THE MACHINE.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- SOME KIND OF DIGITAL VULTURE APPEARED ON MY SCREEN,

AND THEN THE COMPUTER BEGAN WRITING THE

PROGRAM BY ITSELF.

- WHAT PROGRAM?

- THE YUPPIE PROGRAM.

A MULTI-COMPATIBLE LIFESTYLE BUDGETING--

- YOU WROTE IT? I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MINE.

WHY, I SAVED A FORTUNE STOCKING MY WINE CELLAR ALONE.

NOT TO MENTION THE COMPLIMENTS I GET FROM YOUR

RECIPE FOR MICROWAVE PATE.

- LIKE I SAID, THE COMPUTER WROTE IT,

BUT I GOT THE CREDIT.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PATE OR PASTA MACHINES OR

THE YUPPIE-ING OF SUBURBIA UNTIL I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT

READING IT MYSELF.

- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW CAN A COMPUTER WRITE BY ITSELF?

- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING YET.

I WOKE UP A HERO AND BECAME AN EVEN BIGGER ONE WHEN

LEGIONS OF BABY BOOMERS SNAPPED UP 50,000 COPIES

IN THE FIRST SIX WEEKS.

MOM WAS PROUD. DAD WAS PROUD.

HECK, EVEN SUSIE CALLED TO SAY SHE WAS PROUD TOO.

TO HAVE YOURS TRULY FOR A PHENOMENALLY SUCCESSFUL

EX-BOYFRIEND.

MR. CONSTAPOPOLIS PAID ME A GIANT ROYALTY AND GAVE ME

THE SUMMER OFF WITH PAY TO WRITE ANY PROGRAM I WANTED.

- SOUNDS WONDERFUL SO FAR.

- ALL I KNEW ABOUT YUPPIES WAS THEY WEAR REEBOKS TO BED

AND WOULD HOCK THEIR HEALTH CLUB CARDS FOR TEN MINUTES

ALONE WITH A DOVE BAR.

- HMM, WHERE DOES HUNK GOLDEN FIT IN?

- AT THE BEACH HOUSE I RENTED IN SEA SPRAY.

- SEA SPRAY? PRETTY SWANKY PLACE.

- SWANKY?

WELL, LET'S SAY SEA SPRAY IS SWANKY,

IF YOU'VE GOT BIG BUCKS TO BURN.

THE ONLY THING SWANKY ABOUT THE PLACE I COULD AFFORD WAS

THE DRIVEWAY.

THE HOUSE ITSELF WAS THE OLDEST AND GRUNGIEST PLACE

ON SEA SPRAY BEACH.

BYE-BYE, BONUS.

IT WAS BUILT BY SOME OLD SEA CAPTAIN WHO RAN OUT OF MONEY

AND RAN OUT OF TOWN BEFORE HE COULD COMPLETE HIS

SAILING SHIP OF A HOUSE.

IT WAS IDEAL FOR INVESTIGATING THE

YUPPIES-AT-PLAY LIFESTYLE ON WHICH I WAS

SUPPOSEDLY AN EXPERT.

I'D LEISURELY CONCOCT MY NEXT PROGRAM AND SPEND THE

REST OF MY TIME MAKING MY DAYDREAMS COME TRUE.

- SO FAR, SO GOOD.

- EXCEPT THAT I WENT A BIT TOO FAR.

NOW, THERE'S HELL TO PAY.

IN MY DAYDREAMS, ALL I HAD TO DO WAS WINK,

AND THE WOMEN WOULD COME RUNNING,

AND THERE WASN'T A BEACH FULL OF TANNED AND TONED

COMPETITION EITHER.

THE OLD BOD DEFINITELY COULD'VE USED A WORK-OUT.

- OH, THESE ARE FABULOUS.

LITTLE PIGGY SALT-AND-PEPPER SHAKERS.

OH, I'VE GOTTA ADD THESE TO MY COLLECTION.

OH, WELCOME TO SEA SPRAY, WHERE THE WELL-TO-DO DO WELL

AT DOING WELL.

I'M POLLY CLUTTER, BUT EVERYBODY CALLS ME "CHACHKA."

- I'M BRADLEY BRINKMAN, BUT EVERYBODY CALLS ME

"BRADLEY."

YOU'RE IN MY LIVING ROOM.

- THOUGHT SO. I SAW YOUR CAR OUT FRONT.

IS THAT A LOANER WHILE THE B.M.W.'S IN THE SHOP?

- NO, ACTUALLY.

- OH, LOOK.

SOMEBODY IS GONNA FINALLY GENTRIFY THIS OLD MESS.

GOOD FOR YOU.

- WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M JUST RENTING THIS OLD MESS FOR

THE SUMMER.

- WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU COULD AFFORD TO BUY.

HE STARTED THIS PLACE AND NEVER QUITE FINISHED IT.

CAPTAIN CRABIT.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT CAPTAIN CRABIT?

- WHEN I WAS A KID, I USED TO HIDE FIRECRACKERS IN HIS

BARBECUE AND THEN LISTEN FOR HIS HOT DOGS TO EXPLODE.

OH, HE ALWAYS HAD A FIRE GOING, THAT CAPTAIN CRABIT.

- NO KIDDING.

- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO PUT ON YOUR BATHING SUIT?

CHACHKA'S GONNA TAKE YOU ON THE GABBY GUIDED TOUR.

- THE GABBY GUIDED TOUR?

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT'S FREE.

- SOUNDS GREAT.

HOW COME THEY CALL YOU CHACHKA.

- OH, 'CAUSE MY HOUSE IS FULL OF CHACHKAS.

I COLLECT THINGS.

KNICK-KNACKS.

BRIC-A-BRAC.

I'M AN INCURABLE COLLECTOR.

WHEN I MOVED OUT HERE FROM NEW YORK IN THE '50s,

THE ONLY BUILDING ON THE BEACH

WAS MY DAD'S HOT DOG STAND, WEE WILLIE'S WEENIES.

- ♪ WEE WILLIE'S WEENIES, TOP OFF WITH CHEESE AND BEANIES ♪

both: ♪ WEE WILLIE'S WEENIES, BITE DOWN ON ONE TODAY, OLE ♪

THAT'S IT!

OH, IN THE '60s THIS PLACE WAS BUFF BLUFF TOPLESS BEACH.

ON A HOT DAY, THE BOOBS WERE PACKED TIGHTER THAN EGGS IN

YOUR EASTER BASKET.

- BORN TOO LATE.

- IN THE '70s MAHATMA MAHARAJI WENT BANKRUPT

BUILDING THE WORLD'S FIRST AND LAST CONDO COMMUNE.

NOW, WE'VE GOT YUPPIES. WHO'S NEXT?

- SHE IS.

- WHO?

- HER.

SHE'S NOT REAL.

- WHERE IS SHE?

- RIGHT THERE. NEXT TO THOSE SURFERS.

- THERE'S JUST A COUPLE OF SURFERS.

- THE MOST GORGEOUS CREATURE IN THE GALAXY IS STEAMING

RIGHT THIS WAY.

- YOU'RE IMAGINING THIS.

- HUH? WHERE'D SHE GO?

WHERE'D SHE GO?

- HEY, HEY, TAKE IT EASY.

SHE DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE, BECAUSE SHE WAS NEVER HERE.

HEY, HEY, COME ON.

TIME TO MEET THE HEAVY HITTERS ON THE SOCIAL CIRCUIT.

OH, YOU'RE IN LUCK.

THEY'RE ALL HERE.

- DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL GET THIS ONE.

- IN "THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE,

"ARCH-VILLAIN BORIS BADENOV WAS NAMED AFTER THE TITLE

CHARACTER IN WHAT FAMOUS RUSSIAN OPERA?"

- OPERA.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

- IGOR STRAVINSKY, RIGHT?

- IGOR STRAVINSKY, WRONG.

- OUR TURN?

- YOU'RE THE BEST.

- NO, YOU'RE THE BEST.

- BUT YOU'RE THE CUTEST. - YOU'RE THE CUTEST.

both: TIE.

- BORIS GODUNOV, RIGHT?

- SEA SPRAY BEACH RULES FOR TRIVIAL PURSUIT PROHIBIT

SAYING THE CORRECT ANSWER TO THE LOSING TEAM.

- THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY GET ONE RIGHT NEXT TIME.

both: NO.

- WHO IS THIS GUY, CHACHKA?

- BARRY BRINKMAN.

HE JUST MOVED IN.

- IT'S BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

SORRY.

- BRADLEY.

I WANT YOU TO MEET COASTER ROYCE,

WALL STREET WIZ AND YOUNGEST VICE PRESIDENT IN THE

HISTORY OF RATCHET, SLAMMER AND HOPS.

- RATCHET, SLAMMER, HOPS AND ROYCE,

IF I HAVE A SAY IN IT.

AND I WILL.

I ALWAYS DO.

- AND THAT JET-SET ESCAPEE FROM EAST COAST OLD MONEY,

ALEXIS CASH.

- HA HA.

WHERE YOU MOVING IN, BRINKMAN?

- THE CRABIT HOUSE.

- I'M GLAD SOMEONE IS GOING TO SPRUCE UP THAT

DILAPIDATED OLD DUMP.

THANK GOD.

- WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M JUST RENTING IT FOR THE SUMMER.

- YEAH, YOU DIDN'T LOOK LIKE YOU COULD AFFORD TO BUY.

NEED ANY COCKROACH TRAPS?

- WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE SKEET MECKLENBURGER, RIGHT?

ALL-PRO DALLAS ANNIHILATOR LINEBACKER, RIGHT?

- "ALL-THROUGH" LINEBACKER, YOU MEAN.

CUT LIKE A ROOKIE ON UNCONDITIONAL WAIVERS.

- YEAH, BUT I CAN STILL CUT IT WITH YOU, CAN'T I,

PASSION PIE?

- WITH AN ELECTRIC KNIFE, BABY.

- YOU REMEMBER LAUREL SPRINGS,

CHEERLEADER QUEEN OF WEDNESDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

- YEAH, I LOVE THE LITE KNOCKWURST COMMERCIAL

YOU GUYS DO TOGETHER.

- OH, THANKS. - A FAN.

HOW FLATTERING.

YOU PLAY V-BALL, BRINSKY?

- V-BALL?

V-BALL. OH, YEAH.

I'D LOVE TO, BUT I HAVEN'T PLAYED IT IN AGES.

- DON'T WORRY.

SKEET KNOWS ALL THE RULES.

- THERE ARE A FEW DO'S AND DON'TS IN V-BALL, BRINSKY,

SO LET'S START WITH THE DON'TS.

YOU DON'T REACH UNDER THE NET.

YOU DON'T RUN INTO THE NET.

AND YOU DON'T KICK SAND ON AN OPPOSING PLAYER

WHEN HE'S DOWN.

GOT THE PICTURE, BRINSKY?

- SO WHAT IF THEY ALL ACTED LIKE THEY HATED ME FROM BIRTH?

THERE WAS AN AURA TO THEIR ARROGANCE.

I HAD TO FIT IN.

I YUPPIED OUT MY HOUSE WITH EVERY TRENDY APPLIANCE MY

CREDIT LIMIT COULD BEAR.

AH, SO WHAT IF THE STUFF WOULD NEVER FIT IN MY STUDIO

APARTMENT AFTER THE SUMMER.

I WAS LIVING IN THE MOMENT.

I EVEN PERSONALLY STONEWASHED ALL MY CLOTHES.

I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT WHY.

SEA SPRAY BY NIGHT MEANS THE SAND CASTLE.

THE MEN ARE LOW ON BODY FAT, THE WOMEN ARE HIGH ON

THEMSELVES ... AND WHATEVER ELSE IS GOING AROUND.

I WAS READY FOR STEP TWO, INVITING THE WHOLE BEACH TO

AN OPEN HOUSE AT MY PLACE.

I'D PARTY THEIR ASSES OFF.

INCLUDE MYSELF IN WITH THE IN CROWD.

THE SEA SPRAY CROWD ACCEPTS NO SUBSTITUTES,

AND I FELT LIKE A SUBSTITUTE.

- HEY, HI, COASTER.

HOW'S IT GOING, GUY?

- WHERE DID YOU GET THAT OUTFIT?

- WELL, I GOT IT AT THE SEA SPRAY GALLERIA.

- OH, ALEXIS, DARLING.

BRINKMAN HERE WENT SHOPPING AT

THE SEA SPRAY "SCHLOCKERIA."

- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

WE'RE EXACTLY IDENTICAL.

- OH, FAT CHANCE.

- MIDNIGHT EXPRESS FOR MEN.

MADE IN TURKEY.

POLY-COTTON BLEND. both: OOH.

OH, GIORGIO SPERMATUCCI STONEWASH.

SPERMATUCCI, MY FAVORITE DESIGNER.

- THEY'RE 100% COTTON.

- THEY STONEWASH THEIR DENIM IN SYNTHETIC STONES.

- BRINKMAN, A LITTLE ADVICE, THE ONLY THING THAT YOU'LL

LAY TONIGHT IN THAT IS LINOLEUM.

- OH, YEAH, YOU GUYS, HERE'S AN INVITATION.

MY OPEN HOUSE.

TRY AND DROP BY.

- CATERED NO DOUBT BY CHARLES DE GRAVY DU POISSON.

OH, WE WILL BE THERE WITH BELLS ON.

BELLS.

- DING AWAY.

- AND THEN I SAW HER. AGAIN.

- ARE WE PUMPED IN THERE, BRADLEY?

- I WAS DANCING WITH THAT INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS WOMAN

FROM THE BEACH, BUT SHE VANISHED.

- OH, SURE. HOW COME I CAN'T SEE HER?

WHERE'D SHE GO?

- HELL, IF I KNOW.

- THE FINAL SCORE FOR MY OPEN HOUSE WAS HOST-ONE,

GUESTS-ZERO.

TALK ABOUT WOUNDED PRIDE, MINE WAS DEAD ON ARRIVAL.

A NIGHTMARE IN LEFTOVER ARTICHOKE HEARTS.

- HELLO.

CHACHKA, UH-- CHACHKA, BABY, HOW ARE YA?

OH, FANTASTIC. FANTASTIC TURN-OUT, YEAH.

YEAH! WHAT?

OH, YOU CAN'T MAKE IT OVER.

OH, BABE, WE'RE GONNA MISS YA, YEAH.

GREAT PARTY, BRADLEY.

YEAH, DUDE, GREAT PARTY.

WHAT?

LEFTOVERS?

UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

THESE PARTY ANIMALS, THEY ARE PIGGING OUT.

YEAH, PIGGING OUT, YEAH.

WHAT?

BABE, I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YOU GOTTA SPEAK UP FOR ME, OKAY?

NO, NO, HONEY I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW, OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH. BYE!

"ANY LEFTOVERS."

SHE'LL PROBABLY BE RIGHT OVER WITH TUPPERWARE.

- SUPPOSE YOU GAVE AN OPEN HOUSE, AND NOBODY CAME.

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT NOW, CAN WE, COMPUTER CHAMP?

- WAIT A MINUTE. DON'T DISAPPEAR.

OKAY.

WHO ARE YOU, AND HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ME?

AND AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SEE YOU?

- AROUSED?

YOUR CURIOSITY, I MEAN.

BRADLEY, A GIRL IN MY LINE WORKS UP A DEVILISH THIRST.

AREN'T YOU GONNA INVITE ME TO STAY FOR A PERRIER?

WOW, THE FOOD'S JUST TO DIE FOR, BRADLEY.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD BE ONE FABULOUS HOST.

IT'S A SHAME YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE IT.

- YOU'VE HAD THE FOOD, AND YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN.

NOW, WHO ARE YOU?

- MY NAME'S O'BRIEN.

- JUST O'BRIEN?

- JUST O'BRIEN.

- AND WHERE DO YOU LIVE, O'BRIEN?

- HELL.

I HAVE A LARGE STUDIO APARTMENT AT 1,700 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

OF COURSE, I WANT A ONE-BEDROOM AT 2,500 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

OR A LOFT IN THE CELSIUS NEIGHBORHOOD,

BUT ANYTHING OVER 2,000 DEGREES IS A FORTUNE.

IT'S HELL TO FIND A DECENT PLACE TO LIVE IN HELL.

- WHO WRITES YOUR MATERIAL, DAVID LETTERMAN?

CUTE. VERY CLEVER.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

- OKAY, LISTEN UP, BRADLEY, BECAUSE I'M ONLY GONNA READ

YOUR BLACK MAGIC RIGHTS ONCE.

- OH.

- BE FOREWARNED--

- SORRY.

- BE FOREWARNED, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE SOLICITED FOR A

SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCE.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CALL AN EXORCIST.

IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD AN EXORCIST,

ONE WILL BE APPOINTED TO YOU.

ANY BLACK MAGIC COVENANTS HEREAFTER EXECUTED BY YOU

CAN AND WILL BE USED TO ASSERT DARK DOMINION OVER

YOUR SOUL.

ANY QUESTIONS?

- YEAH. WHY ME?

- I'VE HAD MY EVIL ON YOU A LONG TIME.

BRADLEY, YOU NEED A FRIEND RIGHT NOW.

WHO DO YOU THINK INSPIRED THE YUPPIE PROGRAM?

- WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS WAS ON MY COMPUTER.

YOU POSSESSED MY WORD PROCESSOR THAT NIGHT?

- LET'S CALL IT "TEMPORARY OCCUPANCY."

- THIS CONVERSATION IS INSANE, AND SO ARE YOU.

- ONE QUESTION, BRADLEY.

ARE YOU HAPPY YOU RENTED THIS FABULOUS HOUSE

SO CLOSE TO ROYCE, COULD WIPE HIS TOPSIDERS ON YOUR FACE

AT THE DROP OF A FRISBEE?

HAPPY WOMEN AROUND HERE

WON'T GIVE YOU THE CORRECT TIME OF DAY AT A ROLEX CONVENTION?

- WELL-- - I CAN MAKE YOU OVER.

MAKE YOU INTO THE KIND OF MAN YOU'VE ALWAYS

DAYDREAMED ABOUT.

THE KIND OF MAN WOMEN WANT MOST.

AND MEN WANT MOST TO BE.

A HUNK.

HANDSOME, TANNED, TONED.

RICH, BRADLEY.

SUCCESSFUL.

ADMIRED.

- WHAT'S ALL THIS GONNA COST ME?

- OH, YOUR SOUL, SILLY BOY.

AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE, RIGHT NOW,

WE HAVE A NO-OBLIGATION SELL-YOUR-SOUL-FOR-THE-SUMMER

TRIAL OFFER?

AND IF YOU ARE NOT 100% SATISFIED,

YOUR OLD BODY AND OLD SOUL WILL BE REFUNDED.

IT'S A PACKAGE DEAL.

- ARE YOU PART OF THE PACKAGE DEAL?

- OH, THE DEVIL HIMSELF, INCORPORATED,

FORBIDS MY DATING CLIENTS WHILE THEIR SOUL IS IN

SPIRITUAL ESCROW.

- THE DEVIL HIMSELF, INCORPORATED?

- THE BOSS NEEDS TAX WRITE-OFFS JUST LIKE YOU.

- WE'LL STILL SEE EACH OTHER, WON'T WE?

- OH, FOR ETERNITY, IF YOU WANT.

SO GIVE IT A GO FOR THE SUMMER?

- AND NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO SIGN SOMETHING IN BLOOD, RIGHT?

- A HYPODERMIC PEN.

NO MUSS, NO FUSS.

IT'S MY LATEST INVENTION.

- OW!

- DONE.

- NOW WHAT?

- NOW, WAIT.

A NEW LIFE AND A NEW BODY BEGIN TOMORROW AT SUNRISE.

SWEET DREAMS, BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

THIS MAY BE THE LAST WE SEE OF THE OLD YOU.

BYE.

- BYE.

OH, WEIRD. REALLY WEIRD.

- THAT NIGHT, I HAD A WILD DREAM.

AT LEAST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A DREAM.

- OH, MAN, WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHOSE ARM IS THIS?

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHOSE ROOM IS THIS?

STILL DREAMING.

I'M NOT DREAMING.

THIS IS REAL.

WHERE'D ALL THIS COME FROM?

OH, MY GOD.

O'BRIEN REALLY DID IT.

SHE REALLY...REALLY DID IT.

HEY, THAT'S NOT OSCAR.

MY BEST FRIEND SINCE THE SEVENTH GRADE IS MISSING.

O'BRIEN?

O'BRIEN, WHAT THE HELL-- CHACHKA, HI.

- YOU KNOW ME? I'D REMEMBER MEETING YOU.

IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE LEFTOVERS FROM LAST NIGHT,

I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF FOR MISSING YOU.

I MEAN, IT.

- YEAH, I'M WHAT'S LEFT OVER, ALL RIGHT.

- OH, IS BODY--I MEAN, BRADLEY--HOME?

- BRADLEY.

NO, BRADLEY'S STILL DREAMING, I THINK.

I MEAN, HE'S STILL HUNG OVER FROM THE PARTY.

- OH, LOOK.

HE REDECORATED THE WHOLE PLACE.

- YEAH.

WOW.

SHE SURE DID.

I MEAN, YES.

YES, HE DID.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?

- A REAL HUNK.

I MEAN, IS THAT YOUR NEW CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY?

- NEW CAR?

WHAT NEW CAR?

YOU MEAN, THIS CAR?

- NO.

THIS IS MY GASTROMOBILE.

- AH, IT'S INTERESTING, YES.

- THE NEW CAR IS OVER HERE.

IS IT YOURS?

- CAR OF MY DAYDREAMS.

UH, I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.

- WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY?

- I'M NOT SURE.

I MEAN, BRADLEY AND I ARE VERY CLOSE.

LISTEN, HAVE YOU SEEN A WOMAN ABOUT 5'9", DARK HAIR,

REALLY GORGEOUS?

- NOT YOU TOO.

- NEVER MIND. SHE'LL TURN UP.

I HOPE.

LOOK AT THIS STUFF.

H.G. WHO IS H.G.?

NOT ONLY WAS I NEW TO CHACHKA,

BUT EVERYTHING I NOW OWNED WAS NEW TO ME.

HOW WE DOING, SUSIE?

"THE WHOLE PACKAGE DEAL."

O'BRIEN.

"HUNK GOLDEN?"

MY NAME IS "HUNK GOLDEN?"

I'M RICH.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BRADLEY BRINKMAN?

O'BRIEN!

O'BRIEN.

- IT WAS ALL I COULD DO TO KEEP FROM RIPPING HIS TOWEL

OFF WITH MY TEETH.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

HE DIDN'T SAY.

- ANOTHER RENTER ASSHOLE.

- THERE HE IS NOW.

YOO-HOO!

BRADLEY'S FRIEND!

OVER HERE.

- OH, NOW, THAT'S A PERFECT SPECIMEN.

- A MAN'S MAN-AND-A-HALF.

- PUTS YOU TWO BOTH TO SHAME.

- YEAH, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

- HELLO AGAIN.

I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME.

- BRADLEY-- HUNK.

MY NAME IS HUNK GOLDEN.

- HUNK.

THAT SHORT FOR HAIRDRESSER OR SOMETHING?

- UH, HUNK.

THIS IS COASTER, ALEXIS, LAUREL AND SKEET.

- WELL, I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU ALREADY.

- ISN'T HE CHARMING.

MOVING IN?

- OR MOVING ALONG?

- NO, ACTUALLY, I'M JUST VISITING BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

- THAT SCRAWNY LITTLE WUSS?

- WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW.

- WELL, WHAT'S THE HURRY, MURRAY?

JUST SO HAPPENS WE'RE LOOKING FOR A FOURTH FOR V-BALL.

- YOU DO KNOW HOW TO PLAY V-BALL, DON'T YOU?

- UH, YEAH.

SOMEBODY GAVE ME A FEW LESSONS ... ONCE.

- GO, HUNK!

- OH, I HOPE THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT! GREAT.

- GO, HUNK! GO!

- YOU CAN SERVE, CAN'T YOU?

- YEAH. MIND IF I PRACTICE FIRST?

- HEY, GARDENER.

YOU AND ME. ONE ON ONE.

HOPE YOU CAN HANDLE A GOOD SPIKE.

- GOOD LUCK.

- YEAH.

- COME ON. GET IT UP, GORGEOUS.

- GO, HUNK.

KILL HIM, HUNK.

- I'M GONNA WRAP YOUR NUTS AROUND YOUR NECK,

TWINKIE DICK.

- NO, SKEET.

NO!

- SKEET, DON'T DAMAGE THE MERCHANDISE.

- SKEET, ENOUGH'S ENOUGH.

- GO, HUNK.

- OUT COLD.

- FAIR FIGHT.

HE'S MY BEST FRIEND, BUT HE CAN REALLY ROAR LIKE AN

ASSHOLE SOMETIMES.

- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT WALLOP?

- THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THREW THIS TOGETHER

IN FIVE MINUTES' NOTICE, HUNK.

- WHAT A HOST.

- ODDS AND ENDS FROM THE FRIDGE.

- ODDS AND END FOR 40.

IMPRESSIVE.

- WHERE'S BRADLEY?

- BRADLEY, HE'S DOWNTOWN.

BIG FAMILY EMERGENCY.

- FIGURES.

- I WANT A WORD WITH YOU, MR. HUNK GOLDEN.

- THE LAST TIME SHE HAD A WORD WITH SOMEBODY,

HE COULDN'T TALK FOR A WEEK.

WANT A CRACKER?

- I'M NOT EATING.

- WHY NOT, BUBBY?

- I'M FAT. - YOU'RE NOT FAT.

- OH, YOU ARE NOT FAT. YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL GAZELLE.

- I'M HUGE.

- YOU'RE NOT HUGE. - YOU ARE NOT.

- YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD.

- I'M A BEACHED WHALE. - YOU'RE NOT A BEACHED WHALE.

- I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT SKEET.

I DON'T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH.

HOW IS HE?

- UNCONSCIOUS UNDER A 20-POUND ICE PACK.

YOU ANIMAL.

- I'M AN ANIMAL?

- I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO SAVAGE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

- DO I KNOW?

I JUST MET MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEBODY OUGHT TO DO TO A BRUTAL

BASTARD LIKE YOU?

- UH, NO.

- SOMEBODY SHOULD THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THAT BIG LUMMOX

IN HIS PLACE.

YOU'RE A WALKING A CHUCK NORRIS MOVIE,

AND I'M NOT WAITING TILL YOU'RE OUT ON VIDEOCASSETTE!

- UH, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF GUESTS.

- AND ALL THE WOMEN WANNA TAKE YOU SOUTH OF THE

MASON-DIXON LINE.

- THINGS LIKE THIS NEVER HAPPEN TO BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

- WELL, WHY WORRY ABOUT THAT LITTLE OLD TADPOLE WHEN WE

GOT A BIGGER FISH TO FRY?

- WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO JOCKEY THIS BED?

- DALLAS GENERAL HOSPITAL.

BEFORE BECOMING AN ANNIHILATOR CHEERLEADER,

I WAS STRIPPED OF MY CANDY STRIPES.

- WELL, ONCE A CANDY-STRIPER, ALWAYS A CANDY-STRIPER.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

- YOU WANNA SEE MY STRIPES?

OKAY!

THEY'RE INVISIBLE.

- OH, I CAN SEE 'EM JUST FINE.

- WHOO!

OH-OH-OH! - OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!

- WHOO!

WHOO!

AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!

WHOO!

- OH! OH! OH!

- WHOO!

- AH AH AH! - WHOO!

- WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES.

- IT'S ABOUT TIME.

WHERE IS BRADLEY BRINKMAN?

- YOU'RE STILL BRADLEY INSIDE.

ONLY NOW, YOU'RE GETTING RESULTS.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOME GORGEOUS KOOK, NOT SATANA,

QUEEN OF DARKNESS.

- WILL YOU RELAX?

ENJOY LIVING IN THIS GORGEOUS NEW CHASSIS FOR A WHILE.

- YOU KNOW, I DRANK EIGHT MARTINIS.

I'M NOT EVEN HUNG OVER.

- THAT'S NOTHING.

TOMORROW, WE BEGIN NEW BODY ORIENTATION.

ARE YOU GONNA BE SURPRISED.

- WHAT ABOUT MY OLD BODY?

- THE TRIAL OFFER EXPIRES THE MIDNIGHT AFTER LABOR DAY,

BUT YOU'LL NEVER GO BACK.

NOBODY DOES.

TRUST ME.

I DESIGNED YOU MYSELF.

YOU'VE GOT THE THIGHS OF SYLVESTER STALLONE,

THE PELVIS OF ELVIS PRESLEY,

THE NAVEL OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER,

THE NIPPLES OF ROBERT REDFORD,

THE EYES OF PAUL NEWMAN, AND THE SCHLONG OF KING KONG.

I GAVE YOU PERMA-FIRM FLESH, WRINKLE-PROOF PERMA-TAN SKIN,

UNFRIZZABLE HAIR, UNBREAKABLE BONES,

SELF-CLEANING CAVITY-PROOF TEETH, ODORLESS SWEAT.

WHEN YOU DIE, YOUR SOUL LIVES ON IN HELL IN HUNK FORM

FOR ETERNITY.

GORGE YOURSELF ON THE MOST FATTENING FOOD

IN ALL CREATION AND NEVER GAIN WEIGHT.

CHUG 12 TIMES THE ALCOHOL CAPACITY OF A PERSON

TWICE YOUR SIZE.

YOUR LIVER WAS DESIGNED BY DEAN MARTIN.

AND TO PROTECT OUR EVIL INVESTMENT,

YOU'RE A NATURAL MARTIAL ARTS MASTER.

JUST ASK SKEET.

LET'S NOT FORGET WHY WE PACKAGED YOU SO STUNNINGLY--

WOMEN.

YOU'LL BE A MOVING TARGET FROM NOW ON FOR ANYONE WHO

LOVES LUSCIOUS-LOOKING MEN.

YOU'RE BOUND TO OVERDO THE SUPER-STUD BIT AT FIRST,

BUT YOU'LL KNOW WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

WORSHIP THY WHEELS.

A HUNK IS NAKED WITHOUT HIS CAR.

AND DO EVERYTHING FIRST.

A HUNK SETS TRENDS.

UNDERDRESS TO IMPRESS.

A HUNK LOOKS HIS BEST WHEN HE LOOKS LIKE HE DOESN'T

CARE HOW HE LOOKS.

- THAT IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE, RIDICULOUS,

PREPOSTEROUS STORY I HAVE EVER HEARD.

- BUT IT'S TRUE.

- YOU REALIZE I JUST TAPED YOUR ENTIRE SESSION,

AND ON THE BASIS OF THAT ALONE,

I COULD HAVE YOU HELD FOR OBSERVATION AT ANY MENTAL

WARD IN LOS ANGELES COUNTY,

BUT THAT'S WHAT FASCINATES ME.

YOU SOUND DELUDED, BUT SOMETHING INSIDE ME TELLS ME

YOU'RE NOT.

- YEAH, WELL THE ME INSIDE ME KNOWS I'M NOT.

I MEAN, WHAT IF SHE HAS A DEMONIC WHIM AND TURNS ME

INTO A HAMSTER?

OR A HIGH SCHOOL DRIVER'S ED INSTRUCTOR?

- DON'T PANIC, HUNK.

DO I BELIEVE YOU?

NO.

CAN I HELP YOU TO HELP YOURSELF? MAYBE.

- ALL RIGHT.

WHERE DO I START?

- WELL, YOU SAY YOU'RE BRADLEY BRINKMAN,

AND THAT BRADLEY BRINKMAN'S DREAM IS TO BECOME A HUNK,

RIGHT? - RIGHT.

- SO BE A HUNK.

I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT WHILE WE'RE

GETTING TO THE REAL ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM.

- YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF YOU COULD MEET O'BRIEN

THAT WOULD PROVE EVERYTHING.

- I DOUBT WHETHER O'BRIEN OR BRADLEY BRINKMAN EXIST

OUTSIDE OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

SO UNTIL OUR NEXT SESSION, JUST LIGHTEN UP.

THERE ARE WORSE FATES THAN BEING A DROP DEAD GORGEOUS GUY

WITH A PAD AT THE BEACH, YOU KNOW.

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOCTOR? YOU'RE RIGHT.

- MY CLIENTS AND MY FRIENDS CALL ME SUNNY.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER I POWDER MY NOSE.

- YOU PROMISE. - MM-HMM.

- WHOA.

CHICKY, CHICKY, CHICKY DEAR OF THE SEA,

WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?

AWW, COME ON, BABE.

SAVE THAT COLD FISH STUFF FOR ALL THESE NERDS AND

"TUNA" IN TO ME, SUSHI TAIL.

WHAT'S WRONG?

HAS CATFISH GOT YOUR TONGUE, HUH?

- BABE!

- OOPS. GOTTA GO.

BUT I JUST LOVE RAW FISH.

- WAS BIGGSY-WIGGSY A GOOD WITTLE BOY WHILE MOMMY

POWDERED HER NOSY-WOSY?

- THE GOODEST.

- I'LL BET.

- EXCUSE ME.

HEY, MARTY, HOW ABOUT A CAMPARI WITH A SPLASH OF ORANGE?

- SINCE SHE TOLD ME--

- SO HOW WAS THE CATCH OF THE DAY?

- AH, PRETTY FRESH.

- "PRETTY FRESH"?

HEY, I PROMISED YOU PARADISE, AND I DELIVERED.

- I KNOW, I KNOW.

A LIFE OF EARTHLY PLEASURE IN EXCHANGE FOR AN AFTERLIFE

OF THE INTERNAL INFERNAL GOD OF HELLFIRE AND STAPH, RIGHT?

- SOMEBODY MENTION ME?

- HUNK, MEET THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

OF THE DEVIL HIMSELF, INCORPORATED--DR. D.,

THE DEVIL HIMSELF.

- THE DEVIL IS A DOCTOR?

- A DOCTOR OF DEATH, SWORN TO THE HYPOCRITIC OATH--

TO TAKE LIFE WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THE GUY THAT USED TO OWN THIS HOUSE.

THAT CAPTAIN CRABIT GUY.

- OH, I LOOK LIKE MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE THROUGHOUT HISTORY.

ALL OF THEM ROTTEN.

- WELL, YOU DRESS LIKE GENGHIS KHAN.

- ATTILA THE HUN.

WE'RE SACKING ROME IN 451 A.D.

ACTUALLY, I JUST POPPED IN FOR A COKE CLASSIC.

- WHO'S SHE?

- CHINCHILLIA.

A LITTLE ROMAN SLAVE GIRL I RESCUED

TO KEEP ME WARM AT NIGHT.

SHE ONLY SPEAKS LATIN, I'M AFRAID.

"E PLURIBUS UNUM," MY DEAR.

- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

451 A.D.? THAT'S 15 CENTURIES AGO.

- WELL, IF HISTORY'S GONNA REPEAT ITSELF,

I HAVE TO KEEP EVIL GOING IN THE PAST AS WELL AS THE

PRESENT AND FUTURE.

THIS IS THE WORST DEMON POWER SHORTAGE WE'VE HAD

SINCE EVERYONE WENT HOLY FOR THOSE BLASTED CRUSADES.

THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU.

- ME?

- YES. YOU.

IN ANOTHER 50 YEARS, YOU'LL BE ASSISTING ALL THE BIGGIES

OF BADNESS--IVAN THE TERRIBLE, JACK THE RIPPER,

BENITO MUSSOLINI, AND FIRST DIBS ON DELECTABLE FRINGE

BENEFITS TOO, MY BOY.

NOW, O'BRIEN, IF YOU NEED ME ON MONDAY,

I WILL BE AT THE FRENCH REVOLUTION,

BEHEADING AMBASSADORS.

TUESDAY, CHAMPAGNE WITH CAIN FOR KILLING ABEL.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT, POLO WITH THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE.

THURSDAY, THE 1906 SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE.

WHAT A BLAST THAT WAS.

FRI--OH, FRIDAY, I SINK ATLANTIS FOR THE WEEKEND.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT.

- WHAT, WHAT, WHAT HAPPENS TO HER?

- OH, I'LL PROBABLY KILL HER IN THE TROJAN WAR

OR TURN HER INTO A HULA-HOOP IN THE 1950s.

I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHICH YET.

- KILL HER?

- YOU'RE RIGHT, I'LL KILL HER.

A HULA-HOOP IS TOO CRUEL.

EVEN FOR ME.

- NO, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN "TO KILL HER." NO.

- DON'T BE SO SQUEAMISH, MY BOY.

THERE ARE VICTIMS ALL THROUGH HISTORY.

MY VICTIMS.

O'BRIEN'S VICTIMS.

AND SOON, YOUR VICTIMS.

- BODY COUNT IS THE BOTTOM LINE IN OUR BUSINESS.

- THIS IS BEGINNING TO SOUND

LIKE A HORROR FILM HERE, O'BRIEN.

- OH, I ALWAYS SAY, "ART IMITATES DEATH."

BYE-BYE, HAPPY HUNK GOLDEN.

I'LL MEET YOU BACK HERE MIDNIGHT AFTER LABOR DAY

TO CLOSE THE DEAL.

WE'LL BE EXPECTING APPALLING, HORRIFYING,

HORRIBLE, GHASTLY THINGS FROM YOU.

CIAO, BABY.

- I ASSIST IVAN THE TERRIBLE?

- IT'S NO BIGGIE.

SO EVERY FEW CENTURIES YOU RE-PERPETUATE EVIL

SOMEWHERE IN HISTORY.

- OH, A TIME-TRAVELLING SATANIC SALESPERSON, LIKE YOU.

- RIGHT.

THEN WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

THINK OF IT.

DECEMBER 6, 1941.

WE HIT TOKYO TO SCARF SOME SAKE AND SUSHI IN TIME TO

BOMB PEARL HARBOR ON DECEMBER 7.

TALK ABOUT ROMANTIC.

- YEAH.

FINALLY MEET A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

AND SHE WANTS ME TO BOMB PEARL HARBOR.

"TALK ABOUT ROMANTIC."

- YOU MET THE DEVIL?

- EVERYTHING WAS GOING LIKE A CHARM TOO.

JUST LIKE O'BRIEN SAID IT WOULD.

- AND WHAT DID THE DEVIL LOOK LIKE?

- HIS NAME IS DR. D.

HE WAS DRESSED LIKE ATTILA THE HUN.

- ATTILA THE HUN?

- AND HIS CAPTIVE ROMAN SLAVE GIRL WITH HIM,

NAMED CHINCHILLA OR SOMETHING.

- WELL, SHE'LL NEVER BE COLD WITH A NAME LIKE THAT.

- HE'S GONNA KILL HER DURING THE TROJAN WAR OR TURN HER

INTO A HULA-HOOP IN THE 1950s.

HE'LL DO IT TOO.

- I'M SURE HE WILL.

- GONNA TRAVEL THROUGH TIME TOO.

- HUNK?

- YEAH.

- HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING DRUGS?

- FOR WHAT?

I WAS FLYING HIGH ON MY OWN TILL DR. D. SHOWED UP.

- MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE OUR NEXT SESSION AT YOUR HOUSE.

- OH, YOU MAKE HOUSE CALLS?

- NO.

NOT NORMALLY.

BUT I THINK MAYBE SOMETHING AT THE SEA SPRAY SETTING

MIGHT REVEAL CLUES THAT I JUST CAN'T DISCOVER HERE.

- STILL THINK I'M JOKING, DON'T YOU?

- NO. I THINK YOUR PANIC IS GENUINE.

JUST NOT SO SURE ABOUT THE SOURCE.

- IF I COULD ONLY GET YOU AND O'BRIEN IN THE SAME ROOM.

SHE'S EXHIBIT A-PLUS.

- HOW'S TUESDAY AT TEN?

- GOOD.

DOC!

I MEAN, SUNNY.

UH, COME IN.

I HAD A LATE NIGHT.

- SO IT SEEMS.

- AIR DEUTSCHLAND.

THE MESSERSCHMITT SISTERS.

URSULA...

UND UMLAUT.

ICH BIN EIN BERLINER!

THEY FOLLOWED ME HOME FROM THE 7-11 AND SANG BEATLES SONGS

AT THE DOOR TO ME IN GERMAN TILL I LET THEM IN.

- IT'S ALL PART OF OBSERVING YOU IN YOUR

SUPERNATURAL HABITAT.

- TOUCHE.

WELL, NOW, WHERE WERE WE, DOC?

- LET'S GET YOU OUT IN PUBLIC.

I WANNA SEE YOUR HUNK MAGNETISM AT WORK.

- THE BEACH.

PERFECT.

HANG ON. HELLO?

- BRADLEY.

IT'S CONSTAPOPOLIS CALLING.

AND HOW IS DOING OUR LITTLE GENIUS, EH?

- IT'S MY BOSS.

BRADLEY'S BOSS, CONSTANTINE CONSTAPOPOLIS.

HELLO, MR. CONSTAPOPOLIS, HOW ARE DEMETRA,

DEMETRIUS AND CONSTANTINE, JR.?

- IS THIS BRADLEY BRINKMAN?

- OF COURSE.

- IT DON'T SOUND LIKE YOU, BRADLEY.

- HE DOESN'T BELIEVE I'M BRADLEY.

- THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

YEAH, I'M GONNA HAVE TO TRY TO DO MY OLD VOICE.

ONE MINUTE, MR. C. DOORBELL.

UH ... HELLO, MR. CONSTAPOPOLIS.

YES, MR. CONSTAPOPOLIS?

YOU'RE RIGHT, MR. CONSTAPOPOLIS. GOT IT.

[as Bradley] THANKS FOR THE BAKLAVA.

EVERYTHING WAS FANTASTIC.

- THAT'S MY BRADLEY.

SO HAVE YOU WRITTEN PROGRAM X YET?

NO, DON'T TELL ME. DON'T TELL ME.

I'LL WAIT TILL YOU COME BACK AFTER LABOR DAY, HUH?

HUH?

- PROGRAM X.

LABOR DAY.

UH, RIGHT.

EVERYTHING IS COMING ALONG JUST FINE.

- OH, LISTEN, THE DISTRIBUTORS NEED IT BY

NOVEMBER, SO YOU MUST DELIVER IT AFTER LABOR DAY.

NO PRESSURE, OF COURSE.

- NO SWEAT.

NO PRESSURE AT ALL. RIGHT. COMING UP RIGHT AFTER LABOR DAY.

- GOOD, GOOD. TELL ME, BRADLEY-- WHAT IS IT? HMM?

GIVE ME A HINT. JUST A LITTLE HINT.

JUST A TINY, LITTLE HINT.

JUST A--NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME.

NO. JUST A LITTLE. COME ON.

- AND RUIN THE SURPRISE?

- "AND RUIN THE SURPRISE."

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

A GENIUS, YOU HEAR ME?

BRADLEY, I KISS YOU. MWAH!

"AND RUIN THE SURPRISE."

- HI, GARRISON GAYLORD HERE.

THIS WEEK ON "FILTHY RICH," WE SCAMPER ALONG THE SLEEK,

CHIC, SUNNY SHORES OF THE GREEK ISLAND OF IMPHAL,

A MILLIONAIRE'S PARADISE.

- CUT!

- WHAT?

- NUMBER ONE, GARRISON, YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

- OH.

- AND TWO, LAST WEEK WAS IPINO.

THIS WEEK WE'RE IN SEA SPRAY,

HOME OF THE POLAR ICE CAP YOU'RE DRINKING.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- OKAY.

- I'VE GOT IT NOW. - YOU'VE GOT IT NOW.

- YES. - YES.

- I'VE GOT IT.

- OKAY, LET'S TAKE TWO.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT NEW PROGRAM I WAS--

I MEAN, BRADLEY WAS SUPPOSED TO WRITE.

- DO YOU SEE HOW THIS OBSESSION

WITH AN IMAGINARY PERSONALITY TORMENTS YOU?

LET IT GO.

- SUNNY, BRADLEY IS NOT IMAGINARY.

- I'M READY.

- ROLL TAPE.

- "FILTHY RICH." TAKE 12.

- AH. HI, GARRISON GAYLORD HERE.

THIS WEEK ON "FILTHY RICH," WE SCAMPER ALONG THE SLEEK,

CHIC, SUNNY SHORES OF SEA SPRAY,

HOME OF THE POLAR ICE CAP I AM DRINKING.

OH...

- OH, NO. NOT AGAIN, GARRISON.

- IT WAS THE SAME BLINKING THING I DID IN MONACO.

- NO, IN MONACO, YOU SET THE DUCHESS OF DUNGLEMORE'S WIG

ON FIRE.

DO YOU REMEMBER?

- NYET.

- I DO.

THAT'S OUR BREAK, EVERYBODY.

CUT!

GET HIM INTO WARDROBE.

- ALL MY WARDROBE IS BACK IN MY MOTEL ROOM,

SO THAT YOUR WARDROBE PERSON WON'T STARCH MY COLLARS

INTO CARDBOARD.

- OH, NOW HE'S WALKING-- WHERE'S HE GOING?

- ALL RIGHT. THE NEXT SHOT IS AT THE END OF THE PIER.

- WE HAVE NO PROOF THAT ANY AFTERLIFE

OR AFTER-DEATH EXISTS.

- I'M PROOF, SUNNY.

- MORTALITY MEANS LIVING WHO YOU ARE AND LOVING WHO YOU ARE

RIGHT NOW.

HOW ELSE CAN ANYONE LOVE YOU?

- I'M SORRY.

- HEY, WASN'T THAT GARRISON GAYLORD?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- HUH.

- ANYWAY, WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY--

- OH, MY BLEEDING DRIVER'S NEVER HERE.

I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

OW!

OH!

- OH!

HERE COMES GARRISON. HE'S IN REVERSE AND OUT OF CONTROL.

- IF HE KILLS HIMSELF ON CAMERA,

THE RATINGS ARE GOING TO SOAR.

- YOU WANT IT? YOU SHOOT IT.

- WATCH OUT!

- THERE IS A DARK POWER, SUNNY.

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU SOMEHOW.

- HEY, YOU TWO, WATCH OUT!

- WHOO-HA-HA!

OH, I GOT THE WHOLE THING ON TAPE!

BABY!

- THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST ASTONISHING FEATS I HAVE

EVER SEEN.

- HEY, CONGRATULATIONS, GUY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE A HERO.

- A SUPERHERO. YOU SAVED US ALL.

- NEED ANY MORE PROOF, SUNNY?

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- HUNK.

HUNK GOLDEN.

- OH, "THE INCREDIBLE HUNK." I CAN'T BEAR IT.

YOU TWO MARRIED?

- UH, NO. I'M HIS PSYCHOLOGIST, ACTUALLY.

- OH, EVEN BETTER.

- WHAT AN EXCLUSIVE.

- PUMPING THAT MUCH ADRENALINE MAKES

ANY MAN A SUPERMAN.

- ADRENALINE WON'T STOP A JEEP.

- YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE.

LOOK FOR YOUR ANSWERS IN THAT.

HUNK GOLDEN IS A HERO FOR A VERY GOOD REASON.

LOOK, THE MESSAGE IS SIMPLE-- THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.

THE WORLD NEEDS TO BELIEVE IN SOMEONE

WHO RISES ABOVE THE ORDINARY.

AND THAT SOMEONE IS YOU.

- I'D REALLY GO MAD WITHOUT YOU, SUNNY.

I'D BETTER GO. U.C.L.A. IS RUNNING SOME MORE TESTS.

- YEAH. THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE.

SAME TIME TUESDAY?

- YEAH.

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE YOUR ONLY CLIENT.

- I TRY TO MAKE THEM ALL FEEL LIKE THAT.

- YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

- NO.

WE CAN'T.

I CAN'T HELP YOU LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

INSIDE.

NOT JUST OUTSIDE.

WE BETTER--

- WAIT AND SEE.

- YEAH.

- SEE YOU TUESDAY.

- THINK YOU HOOKED HIM?

- THE CHEAP STUNT WAS THE CLINCHER.

- HE'S A BRIGHT BOY.

THE KIND I NEED TO START WORLD WAR III.

THERE'S JUST ONE TEENSY LITTLE PROBLEM.

- AND WHAT'S THAT?

- YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER ONE, O'BRIEN.

- I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HUNK.

- PROMISES, PROMISES.

YOU ALWAYS COME ON LIKE GANGBUSTERS,

THEN YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH THE POOR SLOB,

AND THEN YOU END UP TALKING HIM OUT OF WHAT YOU COST ME

A FORTUNE IN SPECIAL EFFECTS TO WOO HIM INTO.

- CAN A SORCERESS HELP IT, IF SHE GETS EMOTIONALLY

INVOLVED WITH HER WORK?

SOUL SEDUCTION IS DRAINING.

- OH.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE BAD OLD DAYS?

LIKE WHEN YOU HAD THAT IDEA ABOUT THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.

A BIODEGRADABLE DEATH ZONE.

WITH GREAT FISHING.

I WAS SO PROUD OF YOU.

- I HID AL CAPONE'S SECRET VAULTS

FROM GERALDO RIVERA, DIDN'T I?

- THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DID.

POOR GERALDO.

I JUST LOVED THAT.

- BESIDES, HUNK IS FALLING RIGHT INTO LINE.

- WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

HE'S RICH. HE'S FAMOUS.

HE'S FALLING IN LOVE.

HE'LL NEVER WANT TO CHANGE BACK AGAIN NOW.

NOW, THAT HE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU, DOCTOR.

- HUNK'S OURS.

I THINK.

- YOU THINK?

YOU THINK?

I WARNED YOU ABOUT THESE TRIAL OFFERS.

YOUR DEAL EXPIRES THE DAY AFTER LABOR DAY TOO,

YOU KNOW, O'BRIEN.

DON'T FORGET THAT.

ANOTHER FAILURE, AND I'LL HAVE TO TURN YOU BACK INTO--

- NO. NOT THAT.

LOOK, JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER YEAR. ANOTHER SIX MONTHS.

- OH, LOOK AT YOU. LOVE. YOU REEK OF IT.

- YOU OWE ME A SOUL A CENTURY.

YOU ARE 0 FOR 99 YEARS.

NO SOUL, NO DEAL.

NO DEAL, NO O'BRIEN.

- OKAY.

LOOK, I MAKE HUNK FALL IN LOVE WITH SUNNY--

- AND NOT VICE VERSA. - NOT VICE VERSA.

AND SUNNY CONVINCES HIM TO KEEP THE DEAL,

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS TO SUNNY?

- SUNNY? WHY SUNNY?

SUNNY?

THE TUESDAY AFTER LABOR DAY, SUNNY DISAPPEARS.

HE NEVER SEES HER AGAIN.

- OH, HUNK WILL BE HEARTBROKEN.

- OH, IF YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM, IT WON'T MATTER,

WILL IT?

- IF HE EVER FINDS OUT, HE'S GONNA HATE ME FOREVER.

- WELL, THAT CAN BE ARRANGED.

I'LL BE WATCHING YOU, O'BRIEN.

HEIL HITLER.

I WISH I NEVER INVENTED THAT CLICKING BUSINESS.

CIAO, SWEETHEART.

- GARRISON GAYLORD HERE.

TWO WEEKS AGO ON "FILTHY RICH,"

WE SHOWED YOU A REAL LIVE ACT OF SUPERHEROISM.

AS IT UNFOLDED RIGHT BEFORE OUR CAMERAS.

IN THE TWO WEEKS SINCE, HUNK GOLDEN,

THE SUPERMAN WHO SAVED MY LIFE,

HAS BECOME THE STUFF OF AMERICAN LEGEND.

A "FILTHY RICH" CAMERA CREW AND I SHARED IT WITH HIM.

"HUNKMANIA" IS SWEEPING SEA SPRAY

AND THE REST OF THE COUNTRY.

HUNK WANNABES CAMP AROUND HIS HOME 24 HOURS,

DESPERATE FOR JUST A LOOK AT THE HUNK HIMSELF.

HUNK'S SPORT COAT IS THE BRAND-NEW LOOK,

THE FASHION LOOK OF THE 1980s.

PROMOTIONAL OFFERS HAVE BEEN FLOODING IN SINCE DAY ONE.

FROM DESIGNER JEANS TO DOG FOOD,

FROM HEALTH CLUBS TO HEMORRHOIDS,

HUNK'S NAME IS INDEED GOLDEN.

THREE MILLION TO BE THE NEW JAMES BOND.

FOUR MILLION TO LOSE TO STALLONE IN ROCKY V.

PLAYBOY WANTS HIM.

PLAYGIRL WANTS HIM.

METEORIC FAME HAS ALREADY FORCED HUNK INTO

SELF-IMPOSED SECLUSION.

CONSTANTLY AT HIS SIDE THROUGHOUT THE DIZZYING SIEGE

IS LOS ANGELES PSYCHOLOGIST SUSAN "SUNNY" GRAVES

WHO HE RESCUED.

ARE THEY IN ROMANTIC CAHOOTS?

WILL SUCCESS SPOIL HUNK GOLDEN?

CLOSE FRIENDS SAY HE'S CHANGED ALREADY.

- U.P.I., SHMOO-P.I.,

I THINK I HEAR A.P. CALLING. HUNK GOLDEN.

YEAH, YEAH, HUNK-BURGER FRANCHISES. NO, I'M SORRY.

I'M SOLD OUT TILL 1992.

UGH.

HUNK GOLDEN.

YEAH. YES, SENATOR.

NO, I'VE ALREADY BEEN ASKED TO BE PUT ON

THE STATE FLAG OF HAWAII, BUT--

- HUNH! HUH!

- CAN YOU HANG A SECOND, SENATOR?

HI. AGGRESSIVE LITTLE THING, AREN'T YOU?

THERE YOU GO.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS DROPPING IN.

NO, SENATOR, I COULDN'T PICK A FAVORITE STATE.

OF COURSE, IF YOU'D LIKE TO SPONSOR A BILL PUTTING ME ON

THE AMERICAN FLAG, I'D HAVE NO OBJECTIONS.

GOD DAMN IT, SUNNY!

THESE PEOPLE ARE JUST LIKE A BUNCH OF PIRANHA!

BITE, BITE, BITE.

- HUNK, COME ON. JUST--

- SUNNY, I'VE HAD IT OKAY.

WATCH THIS.

WAITING FOR SOMETHING MORE GOLDEN?

WELL, HERE IT IS--A PERSON-TO-PERSON MESSAGE.

STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HERE!

TAKE THAT, FAT BOY.

- STOP IT, HUNK. THAT'S NOT FUNNY. HUNK, STOP IT.

HUNK, DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE SIX O'CLOCK NEWS DOING THIS?

- SURE, I DO. I LOVE THE PUBLICITY, HONEY.

- GIVE ME THIS. GIVE IT TO ME.

- FINE. JUST FINE.

- YOU CAN'T LET IT GET TO YOU LIKE THIS.

- I'M STARTING TO FEEL DIFFERENT INSIDE.

ALMOST LIKE A DEMON.

- DEMONS DON'T EXIST.

JUST PEOPLE AND PRESSURES.

- YOU KNOW YOU'VE MADE IT WHEN YOUR GARBAGE IS FRONT PAGE NEWS.

EXTRA! HUNK TOSSES LEAN CUISINE, CAPPUCCINO GROUNDS

AND A PINT OF PRALINE TOFUTTI.

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

- IT WON'T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.

YOU WON'T ALWAYS LIVE UNDER THE MEDIA MICROSCOPE.

YOU'LL COOL OFF, AND THEN WE'LL HAVE--

AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE YOUR PRIVACY AGAIN.

- YOU CAN SAY "WE."

WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER.

- AND AFTER LABOR DAY TOMORROW,

WE'LL BE OUT OF IT TOGETHER.

YOU'LL FINALLY BE HUNK GOLDEN IN YOUR OWN MIND.

- KINDA LIKE BEING IN IT TOGETHER

WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

- SO DO I. BUT THERE ARE BETTER THINGS

TO BE IN TOGETHER THAN THIS, YOU KNOW.

- THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

- HUNK, WAKE UP, IT'S ME.

YOUR OLD BODY?

THE BODY YOU'RE ON VACATION FROM, REMEMBER?

- WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

- EXACTLY. HELL.

I ESCAPED WHILE THEY WERE WATCHING

"THE POSSESSED" AND "THE WRESTLERS."

- HANG ON JUST A MINUTE.

HEY, SUNNY. SUNNY, WAKE UP.

BRADLEY'S HERE. WAKE UP.

- HUNK, I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

- WHY WERE YOU IN HELL?

- WHERE ELSE ARE THEY GONNA HOLD THIS BODY IN ESCROW

WHILE YOU DECIDE WHO TO BOFF NEXT?

- THAT'S NOT FAIR.

- WHAT A SLEAZEBAG YOU'VE BECOME.

HOSING DOWN INNOCENT FANS.

- HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

- HOW'D I KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE RUNNING AS A MINI-SERIES ON DEMON TV.

KILLER RATINGS.

AND EVERYONE DOWN THERE'S RIPPING OFF THEIR COATCOAT SLEEVESSLEEVES.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

- THE HELL YOU DON'T.

EVIL HAS TAKEN ROOT IN YOUR SOUL.

AND IT USED TO BE SUCH A NICE SOUL.

LONELY, BUT NICE.

- IT'S THEM. IT'S THEM!

I CAME TO WARN YOU.

DR. D. IS FOR REAL AND SO IS HELL.

HUNK, I KNOW YOU CAN FEEL IT ALREADY.

- HEY, SUNNY. SUNNY. YOU'RE MISSING IT. WAKE UP. WAKE UP.

- FORGET ABOUT HER AND THINK ABOUT OUR FUTURE.

IT IS SLIME TIME DOWN THERE.

EX-GAME SHOW HOSTS, USED-CAR SALESMEN, TV SPOKESMODELS.

EVEN MRS. KREPPEL.

- NO. - YES!

MRS. KREPPEL, THAT NINTH GRADE BIOLOGY BITCH THAT

FLUNKED US. TWICE.

- WHAT SHOULD I DO?

- THINK. THINK IF IT'S WORTH IT. - WHAT ABOUT SUNNY?

I'M IN LOVE WITH HER, AND IT'S WHAT WE'VE ALWAYS WANTED.

- DON'T YOU THINK I CAN FEEL THAT?

BUT A LIFETIME WITH HER IS A ONE-NIGHT STAND COMPARED TO

AN ETERNITY OF EVIL.

HUNK!

I KNOW YOU. I KNOW YOU'LL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.

- BRADLEY!

SUNNY'S GOTTA SEE THIS.

SUNNY, SUNNY, WAKE UP. - WHAT IS IT?

- BRADLEY WAS JUST HERE. THEY CAME AND CARRIED HIM

BACK TO HELL. COME ON. COME ON. SEE FOR YOURSELF.

- I WAS IN SUCH A DEEP SLEEP. - I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

LOOK, SUNNY.

- YOU WOKE ME UP TO SHOW ME THE BEDROOM DOOR.

- NO, NO, NO. JUST A MINUTE AGO, THESE ARMS CAME

AND PUNCHED HOLES RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR AND PULLED BRADLEY

RIGHT BACK THROUGH THE WOOD.

- HONEY, HONEY, YOU WERE JUST DREAMING, OKAY?

- NO.

THEN HOW DID I GET THIS SPLINTER IN MY FINGER, HUH?

- I DON'T KNOW. I-I-I DON'T KNOW, HOW?

- FROM THE HOLE IN THE DOOR.

- HUNK, THE ONLY IN THIS ROOM IS IN YOUR HEAD.

LOOK, YOU'RE JUST UPSET, BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE BRADLEY

FANTASY SHATTERS TO BITS TOMORROW.

- SUNNY, DON'T BE MAD AT ME, OKAY?

- HONEY, I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.

I JUST WANT US TO GET PAST THIS.

I WANT IT TO BE THE TWO OF US, NOT THE THREE OF US.

- LOOK, YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE THE BEST THING THAT

EVER HAPPENED TO ME, RIGHT?

- WHY DON'T WE SHOWER AND GO HAVE SOME BREAKFAST, HUH?

- YEAH. YEAH. I'LL JOIN YOU IN A SECOND.

- GOOD.

- GET IN.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I WAS SWIMMING KOSHER HOT DOGS FROM MIAMI TO HAVANA FOR FIDEL

DURING THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS WHEN BRINKMAN ESCAPED.

- SPIRITUAL SEPARATION ANXIETY.

HIS GOOD HALF IS SO STRONG.

- YES, SO DON'T WIMP OUT.

GOOD MOVE SUGGESTING BREAKFAST.

BUT LISTEN, DON'T LET HIM SLEEP BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

- HE'S STILL TIPPED IN OUR DIRECTION.

- YES, BUT ONE MORE SILLY, SAPPY, SENTIMENTAL DREAM,

AND HE'LL BACK OUT AT THE LAST SECOND.

- TALKING TO ME, HONEY?

- [as Sonny] I'M SINGING IN THE SHOWER, DEAR!

NOW LISTEN, KEEP HIM AWAKE, AND HE'S OURS.

- RIGHT.

- WELL, THAT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE SINGING TO ME.

- THEN YOU WEREN'T LISTENING.

I LOVE YOU.

- GREAT BREAKFAST.

- MM-HMM.

- SWEETHEART, I'M STILL A LITTLE JANGLED

FROM BRADLEY LAST NIGHT. MIND IF I TAKE A NAP.

- MM-MM. I THINK A NAP'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU WANT TO BE IN TIP-TOP SHAPE WHEN THEY PRESENT YOU

WITH THE KEY TO SEA SPRAY AT THE CLUB TONIGHT.

- RIGHT.

- SWEET DREAMS.

BYE, HUNK!

- HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO?

- HI. - HI.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NAP?

- SABOTAGED.

AFTER YOU LEFT, EVERY APPLIANCE IN THE HOUSE

TURNED ITSELF ON. I COULDN'T TURN 'EM OFF.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU HEAR IT?

- HEAR WHAT?

- IT STOPPED.

- HUNK, ARE YOU HAVING ANOTHER DREAM?

- NO, NO, NOW, SUNNY, SUNNY, I--I--NEVER,

NEVER, NEVER WENT TO SLEEP.

TEN MINUTES AGO, THEY WERE ALL RUNNING WITHOUT ELECTRICITY.

- HUNK, NOTHING RUNS WITHOUT ELECTRICITY.

- YEAH.

- YOU STILL HAVEN'T WRITTEN YOUR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR

THE BANQUET TONIGHT, SO WHY DON'T--

- SUNNY, SUNNY, FORGET ABOUT THE BANQUET.

YOU'RE MEETING THE DEVIL TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.

- SETTLE DOWN.

- MAYBE O'BRIEN TOO.

- ALL RIGHT.

SUPPOSE I DO MEET THE DEVIL, WHO YOU GONNA CHOOSE?

ME OR BRADLEY?

- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, SUNNY.

I STILL DON'T KNOW.

- LET'S GET A SHOT OF US SHAKING HANDS.

- WHY NOT?

- WHAT TIME IS IT?

- IT'S TWO MINUTES LATER THAN THE LAST TIME YOU ASKED ME.

IT'S 10:32.

- WE HAVE TO MEET DR. D. AT MIDNIGHT.

I'M GONNA SLEEP TOMORROW, NO MATTER WHO I AM.

- AND I'LL BE WITH YOU.

- NO MATTER WHO I AM?

- YOU'LL BE HUNK. YOU'LL SEE.

- I SURE WISH O'BRIEN COULD SEE ME

GETTING THE KEY TO THE CITY.

- I'M SURE SHE'S WATCHING.

- LOOK AT THAT [indistinct].

REMINDS ME OF THE COCKTAIL LOUNGE ON THE LUSITANIA.

HAPPY MEMORIES.

BON APPETIT.

- ATTENTION, EVERYBODY.

IT'S AWARD TIME.

AS PRESIDENT OF THE SEA SPRAY HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION,

IT IS MY HONOR TO HONOR ONE OF OUR OWN.

A MAN I AM PROUD TO CALL MY FRIEND.

WHEN HE FIRST APPEARED HERE AT SEA SPRAY,

I REALIZED HE WAS SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL.

AND NOW THE WORLD KNOWS IT TOO.

- WHAT A PHONY.

- HUNK, WE'RE PRESENTING YOU WITH THE KEY TO SEA SPRAY

TONIGHT, BUT YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO USE IT. WHY?

BECAUSE OUR HOMES AND HEARTS ARE OPEN TO YOU FOREVER.

- A LITTLE BIT CORNY, BUT THE CROWD'S WITH HIM.

WHAT DO THEY KNOW?

- HUNK GOLDEN, PLEASE STEP FORWARD FOR THE PRESENTATION.

AND IF I MAY SAY SO, THIS KEY IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE LADY

WHO IS THE SUNNY SIDE IN HUNK'S LIFE--DR. SUNNY GRAVES.

AND HERE TO PRESENT THE KEY IS THE HONORARY MAYOR OF SEA SPRAY,

THE STAR OF AMERICA'S FAVORITE LITE KNOCKWURST COMMERCIALS,

SKEET MECKLENBURG!

- THANK YOU.

HUNK, EVERYBODY HERE KNOWS THAT I HATED YOU ON SIGHT,

AND WELL, I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU,

YOU DID PUT ME IN MY PLACE.

THEY CALLED YOU A SUPERMAN FOR DOING IT AND SOMEHOW IT

SEEMS LIKE A SUPERGUY DESERVES MORE THAN A KEY,

DESERVES A CROWN.

- SKEET, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

WE HAD T-SHIRT RIGHTS. HUNK!

HUNK!

- HELL OF A SUPERMAN.

- IF THAT SKEET SCREWS UP MY PLANS,

I'LL BRING HIM BACK AS A WHOOPEE CUSHION.

- HUNK?

- HUNK, WAKE UP. HUNK, YOU'VE GOT TO WAKE UP.

- WILL SOMEBODY WAKE THAT SUCKER UP? I NEED HIM.

- HUNK, PLEASE, WAKE UP.

COME ON. YOU'VE GOTTA WAKE UP.

- BRILLIANT STROKE, HUNK.

MAKING OUR DEVILS BRIGADE RAID ON SEA SPRAY LOOK LIKE

AN ENEMY SNEAK ATTACK.

- I PROMISED YOU WORLD WAR III BY DINNER TIME.

- LOOK, ALL THOSE YUPPIE SNOBS YOU HATED ARE DEAD MEAT NOW.

- DEAD MEAT NOW.

- DID YOU KILL THEM ALL YOURSELF?

- SHUCKS, DR. D.

- OH, DON'T BE MODEST.

- MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT. MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT.

- CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN. GOOD BOY.

THERE'S JUST ONE LITTLE FORMALITY.

BEFORE YOU CAN TRULY COMMIT YOUR SOUL TO MY WICKED WORK,

YOU MUST GET RID OF YOUR BETTER HALF.

WE'VE ALL THE FIXINGS RIGHT HERE.

THAT SAPPY, SENTIMENTAL SIDE OF YOUR SOUL

MUST BE DESTROYED.

YOU READY TO SAVE YOURSELF, BRINKMAN?

- HUNK, DON'T DO THIS TO US!

ALL EVIL AND NO PLAY MAKES HUNK A DULL DEMON!

- READY.

- YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME!

THE GOOD THINGS ARE WHAT LIFE'S ALL ABOUT.

YOU CAN'T WANNA BE THE GUY WHO STARTED WORLD WAR III.

- AIM.

- ALL THIS JUST TO GET LAID MORE AND A GUEST HOST

ON THE CARSON SHOW?

PLEASE, GIVE AN INNOCENT BETTER HALF A BREAK. HUH?

- MY FAVORITE WORD--FIRE.

- HUNK! PLEASE! NO! DON'T!

- FIRE, FIRE, FI--

- WAIT. OH HE'S ALL RIGHT. WAIT.

- YOU'RE ALL STILL ALIVE.

- OF COURSE, WE'RE STILL ALIVE.

EXCEPT FOR THE PEOPLE THAT ATE THE ROAST BEEF.

- FOR A SECOND THERE, I WAS KILLING ALL MY-- --YOUR

INVESTMENTS GOODBYE.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- SKEET CROWNED YOU WITH THE KEY TO SEA SPRAY.

- YOU ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

- MY WATCH STOPPED.

- IT'S TEN MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT.

- HUNK!

- HUNK, COME ON. ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY.

- YOU AND I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH DR. D.

- HUNK, YOU CAN HAVE A CONCUSSION. NOW, COME ON.

- COME ON. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. THE KEY, THE PRESENTATION--

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- TO THE DEVIL!

- both: OUR INVESTMENTS.

- NO WAY I'M GONNA BE THE GUY WHO STARTED WORLD WAR III.

- HOW CAN YOU HAVE STARTED A WAR THAT HASN'T EVEN BEGUN?

- IN THE FUTURE, IT HAS, SUNNY.

IT STARTS RIGHT HERE IN SEA SPRAY.

- WELL, IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.

WHO ARE YOU GONNA BE ONE MINUTE FROM NOW?

- BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

- WHAT? - SUNNY.

SUNNY, I KNOW IF YOU TRULY LOVE ME--THE ME INSIDE--

IT'S NOT GONNA MATTER TO YOU IF I COME BACK JUST IN

A DIFFERENT KIND OF BODY.

- I DO LOVE YOU.

I LOVE WHAT'S INSIDE.

BUT HUNK YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE.

- YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU SOUND JUST LIKE O'BRIEN.

THE ONLY LIMITATION IN OUR RELATIONSHIP IS THAT YOU

CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH.

WHEN YOU MEET DR. D. A FEW SECONDS FROM NOW,

YOU WILL, THOUGH. COME ON.

TOLD YOU HE'D BE HERE, SUNNY.

- IS THIS SOME KIND OF TRICK?

- WISH IT WERE. COME ON.

- OH, THERE YOU ARE.

WHILE YOU WERE AWAY, I WHIPPED UP A FEW LITTLE

GOODIES TO CELEBRATE OUR CLOSING OUR DEAL.

- DR. D., AT YOUR SERVICE, SUNNY.

- AND IMPECCABLE SERVICE IT IS TOO.

SEE? CANNIBAL CANAPES,

ALL-WHITE MEAT MISSIONARY (NO AGNOSTIC FILLERS),

FANTASTIC TITANIC ICEBERG LETTUCE SALAD,

KILLER TOMATOES, AND DEVILED EGGS A LA MOI.

- THERE'S NO DEAL, DR. D.

- WHAT?

- A LIFE OF SELFISH PLEASURE AND AN ETERNAL AFTERLIFE

AS ONE OF YOUR HENCHMEN IS A ROTTEN EXCHANGE.

I WANT SUNNY TO MEET O'BRIEN RIGHT NOW.

- O'BRIEN WILL BE AROUND, ALL RIGHT,

BUT LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT O'BRIEN.

WHY LET A FEW DREAMS SCARE YOU,

WHEN YOU CAN BE A LIVING NIGHTMARE YOURSELF?

- I WANNA BE BRADLEY BRINKMAN AGAIN.

WHY CAN'T O'BRIEN BE HERE TO SEE THIS?

- OH, SHE'LL SEE IT, ALL RIGHT.

SO BE IT.

EXIT, HUNK GOLDEN.

ENTER, BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

- THIS IS BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

THIS IS ME.

IT HAD TO BE THIS WAY, SUNNY.

- I KNOW.

- THE GAME IS UP FOR HER TOO, BRADLEY BRINKMAN.

COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE.

- WHAT?

- OH, THE DEVIL MADE HER DO IT.

- AND I THOUGHT THAT YOU LOVED ME.

- I DID.

I MEAN, I DO.

BRADLEY, YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

ALL THE DREAMS WERE TRUE.

I HAD TO LIE TO GET YOU TO CLOSE THE DEAL.

YOU BELIEVED IN YOUR OLD SELF MORE.

- AND I BELIEVED IN YOU.

NOW WHAT?

- DISMISSAL.

- MY DEAL'S UP TOO.

- YOUR DEAL?

- FABULOUS DEAL TILL SHE GOT SENTIMENTAL AND SLOPPY.

- I HAD TO LAND A SOUL A CENTURY FOR DR. D. OR LOSE MY DEAL.

- SHE HASN'T MADE A SCORE SINCE

OTTO VON BISMARCK IN 1887.

- I'M TOO MUCH A ROMANTIC TO KEEP RECRUITING NICE GUYS

FOR THE DEVIL'S WORK.

NICE GUYS LIKE YOU.

- THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING IT?

- I WAS AFRAID.

I AM AFRAID.

TO BE THE REAL ME.

THE ONE THAT SOLD THEIR SOUL TO DR. D. IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE SUNNY. OR YOU WERE.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME THAT PEOPLE EXIST ON THE

INSIDE, NOT ON THE OUTSIDE.

EVEN IF IT WAS TO DECEIVE ME, THE LOVE I FELT FROM YOU

CAME FROM SOME WONDERFUL PERSON. I THINK--

- I'M REALLY TOUCHED. I -- VERY TOUCHING.

BUT IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO CATCH AN ILL WIND TO BEIRUT.

LOOK. SINCE IT'S HITLER'S BIRTHDAY,

I'LL MAKE YOU ONE LAST OFFER--SIX MONTHS' EXTENSION

TO MAKE GOOD ON BEING BAD.

- NO WAY.

- SIX MONTHS?

- NO, DON'T.

WHOEVER YOU ARE OR WERE.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

THERE IS A PERSON INSIDE OF YOU WHO IS WARM AND LOVING.

I KNOW. I'VE FELT IT.

- O'BRIEN.

REMEMBER HOW LONELY YOU WERE?

- CAN'T BE LONELIER THAN RUNNING A TIME-TRAVELLING

SELL-YOUR-SOUL-TO-SATAN SERVICE.

- WELL--

- DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE THE PERSON WHO YOU ARE INSIDE.

- STRONG ENOUGH TO COME BACK TO EARTH

AS YOURSELF USED TO BE?

- I WAS.

- I'M STAYING WITH--

- UNLIMITED CREDIT ON "INFERNOCARD?"

- I'M STAYING WITH BRADLEY.

- YES!

- OH, TO HEAVEN WITH BOTH OF YOU.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF TAKERS ACROSS THE CENTURIES TO

CARRY OUT MY MASTER PLAN

TO MAKE ALL THE HAPPY ENDINGS IN HISTORY

EVIL ONES.

LIKE ALL THOSE LASSIE MOVIES.

SO BE IT.

THERE SHE IS.

PRINCESS LUCILLA OF LENINSHIRE, JUST AS I FOUND HER IN THE

TENTH CENTURY, AFTER HER FATHER SOLD HER TO THE VIKINGS.

NINE CENTURIES OF VICIOUS, VILE TRAINING DOWN

THE TUBES OF TIME.

- LUCILLA.

WHY DID YOUR FATHER SELL YOU?

- BECAUSE I WASN'T AS BEAUTIFUL AS MY SISTER, PRINCESS KASAVA,

SO I SOLD MY SOUL TO DR. D.

TO ESCAPE AND BECOME BEAUTIFUL ... LIKE YOU.

- YOU'RE A PRINCESS.

- A PRINCESS WITHOUT A CASTLE, WITHOUT A JOB.

WELL, I'LL BE GOING.

- WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON THIS TIME?

- WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

AS LONG AS MANKIND IS MISERABLE.

CIAO.

- SO YOU'VE BEEN--

- RETURNED TO EARTH TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY MORTAL LIFE.

LIKE YOU.

- LIKE ME.

WHO WOULD EVER BELIEVE THIS?

- YOU WOULD, BRADLEY.

OH, MY GOODNESS BRADLEY, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PROGRAM?

IT'S DUE TODAY.

- IT CAME TO ME LAST NIGHT WHEN I MET THE REAL YOU.

- WHAT IS IT?

- "THE PRINCESS PROGRAM"--

HOW TO LIVE ROYALLY ON A REGULAR WEEK'S PAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WHAT DO I THINK?

BRADLEY? - HM?

- ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED?

- DISAPPOINTED IN WHAT?

- THAT YOU GAVE UP THE NEW YOU,

ENDED UP WITH THE OLD ME.

WHO'S ALWAYS SECOND BEST.

- YOU'RE SECOND BEST? NEVER.

NOT 900 YEARS AGO, NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

- FUNNY. HUNK DISAPPEARS, AND BRADLEY BRINKMAN RETURNS.

THEY BOTH WERE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THE SAME WOMAN TOO.

- AND IT LOOKS LIKE BRINKMAN FINALLY GOT HIMSELF A GIRL.

- WHAT'D YOU EXPECT?

HUNK MUST'VE RUBBED OFF ON HIM.