Original subtitles

kids I know you think you have ever heard of a story

from back before I met your mother,

but there are some stories you tell

|| and some stories you don't.

(breathless): Oh, my God!...

(s||aking gibberish) Oh, my God...

Use your words, Ted.

Okay. Barney, I'm about to go for the belt.

||The||belt?

||The belt.

||But that's impossib||.

You were up here less than half a||hour ago.

(grunts)

||runts)

(groans) Yes! Advantage-- Ericksen.

Don't get cocky. Wimbledon ||sts a fortnight.

|| "Fortnight."

|| British words are so cool.

|| ||Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs?

I wear a wig to work, I'm a jackass.

|| TED: ||l right.

I'm We can't go. Tournament.

|||| What? We agreed. I suited up...

|| You take too long to get r||dy.

|| What are you talking about?

||I got the low maintenance, just-rolled-||t-of-bed look.

Yeah, which takes an h||r and a half

of waxing, tugging and teas||g to achieve.

|||||| And then he starts on his hair.

Ac|| ||(feigned laughter)

|| Look, are we ||going or not?

Just go without us. We'll be there in five minutes.

Really?

Yes! Yes!

|| All right, I'm going down to the bar.

|| I'm ordering three beers||

||I'll see you guys in five mi||tes.

Three beers, five minutes.

|| Wii AN||UNCER: Love-30! (door closes)

Thanks for lending me these boots.

|| Where'd you get them from?

This sto|| in the Village had one of those crazy sales.

It was a footwear ||feeding frenzy.

|||| (shrieking and shouting)

|| I saw it f||st!

|| (screams)||

You just made the list, bitch!

So many questions.||

Firstly, w||t do you think would happen

if a guy walked into that store wearing a suit of boots?

|| You look fantastic in them, Robin.

But don't you think they're a little high for that dress?

|| Well, that's the po||t: it's to hide that||act

|| that I h||en't shaved my legs.

|| I've begun a strict no-shave policy

|||| ||for the first three dates.

It's all about self-control.

If I don't shave, I mu|| behave.

|| FYI: It doesn't matter, baby.

Guys just want to get ||on the green.

They don|'t mind going through the rough.

|| Shh-clackey! (phone ringing)

Stinson.

All right, the beers are here.

|| BARNEY:||Yeah, we're not go to make it.

Oh, come on! We agreed...

|| Did Marshall take his pants off?

Yeah, pants are off.

This is Wimble||n, Ted.

|| I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide.

|||||||| Cheerio!

|| Fine.

I don't need friends.

|| I got you guys.

|||| You guys are my friends,

mI'm talking to beer.iends.||||||

Ted? Trudy.

|||| Trudy.

Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since...

|||| (moaning ecstatically)

|| I slept with||ou and then climbed down the fire es||pe.

That was you?

I'm kidding. I was super-wasted.

|||||| These are not all for me.

|| No, I was going to call you, but I was so embarrassed.

|| You were embarrassed?

I was like, "I really like this guy,

"and now I'm ||imbing out his window,

|| ||and I forgot my underwear..."

|| God, I thought they felt kind of tight.

I'm ki||ing. I don't wear underwear.||

|| Ladies' underwear.

|||| Often.

Ah! Again, I'm ||dding.

|| I'm so glad I ran into you.

I know. Do you want to...? Trudy?!

|| No way!

|| ||Oh, my God! Rachel, how ||e you?

|| (both shrieking and laughi||)

|| Ted, this is Rachel.

Hi!||

Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Kappa Epsilon Gamma!

|||| Whoo! Whoo!

Wait, let me guess. You guys met in ||ison.

|| (laughing)

No! We were ||rority sisters.

And best friends forever all sophomore year.

|||| When we weren't at each other's throats.

We could be so competitive.

||Uh, but that's all behind us now.

|| (chanting): Hey, m||ta! Hey, mista!

|||| Stay away from m||sista! Stay away from my sista!

|| Whoo! Whoo!

|| We have so||uch catching up to do.

Okay. Are you going to Stacey's wedding?||

Oh, it's off. Apparently, he's into dudes.

Nah! Again|| That's like her third one.

TRUDY: I kn||!

|| Well, beers, what do you want to do?

We could stay here...

|||| or I know this o||er place called "My Belly."

|||| So, Trudy and I got a table.

Oh, that'||s cool. I was going to get out of here anyway.

|||| I'm really t||ed.

I want you to stay.

|||| Tired of people who fold early, 'cause I am wide awake!

|||||||| (giggl||)

|| Okay, gu||... be cool.

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

||You've been vanquished, old bean.

That's 'cause you distracted me.

You've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set.

(phone rings)

||... Stinson.

I've got a situation.

Trudy is here-- you know, from the pineapple inc||ent?

||Oh, you mean the girl that chalked your pool cue

and then snuck down ||e fire escape?

Respect.

||So, we're hitting it off and then her f||end shows up

and they're kind of compet||ive.||

I think the new girl's kind of into me.

So you now have two on the line?

And I don't know which one to go for.

Given the choice, always party with Dr. Strangelove.

New girl? Wh|| new girl?

Two girls are allegedly vying

for Ted's affections, and I think...

Oh, you don'||kn|| what you'|| talking about.

Give it to me.

||Are they friends?

Yeah. Uh, no-- I-I d||'t know. ||They're old sorority sisters.

||Are they Betas?

BecI didn't want to beuts, andin their sorority anyway.now||

||||They're Kappas, and...

||||||I think I can score ||th one of them.

||don't know which one,

||and if I chose wrong, I lose them both.

||Okay, well, don't worry.

I'll-I'll come down and help you figure it out.

||I thought we were in ||for the evening?

That's what I thought about your bangers and mash down there,

but I guess we're both wrong, guv'na.

||Hey. Oh||Ted. Okay...||

Settle an argument. Mm-hmm.

Is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend

after they've broken up?

Well, that's very complicated...

||||See?! || agrees wi|| me.

||||||u're||uch a li||le man||hief.

||||Oh, somebody should lock you girls up.|||

||||(giggling)

You're so funny.

I think Ted || funny.

||Really? I think Ted is hilarious.

||||||(phone rings) I am never not wearing a suit again.

||||||Hello?

It's me. I'm at t|| bar.

Don'||t lo||. Just call me "Mom."

Uh, hey, Mom. How's Dad's... colon?

||||||What? What's the matter with you?

Anyway, both of these girls are into you; take your pick.

||They are? Are you ||re|| Yes, of course.

|||||| They're playing with their hair and touching your arm.

|| Classic green light.

Are you positive?

||Oh, that is so fascinating.

|||| So what happened?

Well, after 18 hours of surgery,

|| I closed, and, thankfully,

|| both girls just celebrated their second birthday.

Wow. Gosh, separating conjoined twins,

|||| that must be the most amazing feeling.

|||| True, but now the parents don't ||ow what to do

|| with their huge supply of four-legged overalls.

|| (laugh...||That is so funny.

|| You're so funny.

|| LILY|| Positive. They both want you bad.||

|| It's a clearance sale ||and you're the boots, ba||.

|||| Oh, it's Robi|| Good luck.

|| Bye, Mom.

|| ||That'||my mom.

Hello?

||Bring me a razor.|| What about the no-shave ||le?

What happened to your conv||tions?

|| They've been surgically removed||by Dr.

||||No, I'm not doing it.

The whole point to not shaving was to...

Lily, please! He's really cute,

|| and I really like ||m, and he's got a British accent.

I'm on my way.

So this college boyfriend, ||who won h

|| Neither of us.

|| He left. Junior year abroad.

|||||||| It's really too bad, 'cause...

|||| there was that||ne thing we wanted to do.

|||||||| We wer|| going to do...

but we never did.||

Why? Wai|| what were you guys going to do but never did?

|| No, it'||s too embarrassing.

You tell him. No, you tell him.

No, I don't care if y|| don't care.

Well, I don'|| care. I just...

Nobody cares! Just say it.

|| Why do|'t we tell him together.

|||| Okay.

On three.

|| Well, he's right: One.||it'...two...heat.||||||||

||Neither one is givi|| ground.

I could not tell who was the th||d ||eel.

|||||| ...three.

It's a tricycle.

No way, no way, no way!

|| ||What's happening?

|| It's a tric||le.

|| || way, no way, no way.

|| It's a tricycle.

|||||| Well, I'll just say it right now.

|| All ||rority girls are sluts.

|||| Put him on speaker.

||So what you're saying to us right now

is that you have a ||ot at the belt?

|| Wait-wait-wa||. What belt?

Well, Barney and I have

this running joke that the first gu||to actually pull this off

would "win" the championship belt.

|| Oh, so it's a me||phorical belt, right?

*******

|||| You actually bought a belt....||||

That's right. It'||resplendent.

Come on, it was just a thing we said.

|| We were kidding ar||nd.

|| I never kid.

Remember you said if I e||r slept with that girl

from Days of Our Lives, I'd be the king?

Well...

|| Why wasn't I told about the ||lt?

I could go for the belt.

(Barney, Lily, Ted laugh)

|||| If Lily would've died before me, then I could ride the tricycle.

|||| Guys, come on! Help me out.e back aWhat do I do? penis.||||

All right, Ted, if you're going to go for the belt,

|| then t|| bylaws require me to ask the following questions:

One: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83?

|||| Yes.

Two: Is the aggregate weight of all participants

|| under 400 pounds?

|||| Yes.

Theodore Mosby...

are you pWhat? No.se women?||

Ted...

|||| No. Look, I got to go. They're going to think

|| I inherited my dad's imaginary ||throom issues.||||||Oh, are yo

|| Well, it is ||tting pretty late.

|| Righ|| Well, well, it's been...

|||| Mayb||we could all g|| listen to that Wilco||D

|| you talked about before.||

Great! I have it right upstairs.

It's in my apartment upstairs. Let'||s go upstairs.

|| I'm sorry. Where was ||Ha, that's funny. I love that.

|| You should tell more jokes in my apartment upstairs.

|||||||||| Scenario #12: We're in a horrific car crash.

|||||| You die. I'm left paralyzed.

|| Two sexy nurses, with a six-pack of wine coolers,

sneak into my room late at night.

I try to blink at them in Morse code.

|| "P||ase, d||'t. I love my dead wife."

|||||||||||| But they're medical profes||onals,

and I got to think||somehow, they're saving my life.

|||||| Fine. Sleep with your nu||es.

|| To||ght you ride the unicycle.

|||| I already did this morning.

|||| (p||ne rings) Hello.

Lily, I have pounded three cappuc||nos waiting for you.

Pretty soon, I won't have to shave--

the hair is going to vibrate off my legs.

I'm sorry, I can't leave now.

Lily, he can'||t see my legs like t||s.

|| I look like a Turkish lesbian.

|| There's, um, a pharmacy across||he street.

|||||||| Would 20 b||ks buy me a razor?

No, but 50 will.

|||| (phone beeps) Hold on. Ted's texting me.

|||||| "We're combing||p-sars."

|||| "Combing It means they'||re What does coming upstairs.

|||| (laughter)

|||||| Got 'em.

|| (chuckles nervously)

|| Ooh! Nice ||||e.

Hey, are these your roommates?

Yes. Uh, yes, but they are not here.

|||| They are somewhere else.

We have total privacy

because privacy is ess||tial when you're listening to music.

|||| You know what else is essential when you're listening to music?

|| Music.

That's hi||rious.

|| You are hilarious!||

I'll go get it in my bedr||m.

||The CD's in my bedroom.

|| Bedroom...

|||| Okay. We'll try and stay out of trouble.

|| Of course, we can't promise anything.

|| (both giggling)

|| This is going to be awesome.

|||||||| (whispering loudly): No!

**

****

We know, Ted, well done.

mpressive.|||||| Up top. Yeah, bro, up top.

*****8888

|| Oh, don't be gross.

TED: You guys need to get out of her||

Please, take the fire escape.

|| No, no way.

The other day I saw ||a pigeon take a ap on it

and the whole thing shifted.

Oh, you can use our bedroom.

Okay, all I need to seal the deal

is the Wilco CD, Barney.

|| (gasping)

|| What are you doing?!

|| I cannot allow Ted to do this.

|||| Wh-what? Why?

Because the belt is my birthright!

||You cannot claim it before I do.

|| That would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luth||

|| while Superman watches ||impotently from the bedroom.

But, B||ney, you|'ve done||||way dirtier

|||||||| You're disgusting.

I've never ridden the tricycle.

||||||I was on the verge last year.

|| I was so close.

(all giggling)

|| So ladies, why don't we||ove this party

|||||| to a||ore horizontal location?

|| Oh, my God, my new carpet!

Oh, my God, this is a disaster.

You get the ca||et cleaner. I'll get a||owel.

|| Okay. ||I'll get the video camera.

Get out! Okay then.

|| So let me get this straight.

You're going to trike-block me?

That is so petty. It's like you're...

|| Tom Petty. Tom Petty.

|||| You're Tom Petty.

|| Wh|||'s Lily?

|| ||ill looking for that CD,

so...

|||| (whispering): What are you doing?

I knew it. I had a hunch about that girl

|| and I was right.

(shouting): I saw it f||st!

You just made th||list, bitch.

|||||||| I ||nnot give up my bedroom to a boot thief.

||She should be punished, not rewarded.||

Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking. Just do this for me!

|| No, never.

Wh|| if I reimburse you for the boot|| full retail?

|||| Please enjoy||ur bedroom. Great.

Just take it.

Okay, wish me luck.

|||||||||| Oh, my God. It looks fine.

You're such a girl.

Where's the shaving cream?

||ll, you didn't ask me for shaving cream.

|||| Well, it w|| implied.

Who bu|| a razor without buying||having cream?

Well, who doesn't shave their legs for a date?

||Well, who's not ge||ing a tip because of her attitude?

Well, here's a little tip for you:

shave ||ur legs before you leave the house, Sasquatch.

|||||||| Hey, Robin, um, the valet's brought the car ||ound.

|||| I thought we'd go to my place,

if you're in the mood for a nightcap.

Absolutely. I just have to go to the ladies' room.

|| I've got TB.

|||| Tiny bladder.

|| I'll meet you out front.

Yeah.

|||||||||||||| You'vExcuse me. Sorry.ng me.||||||||

|||||||||||||||||||||||||| So, I'm having a little ||trouble finding the CD.

|| That's okay.

|| We don't need music t||have fun.

|||| ||actly.

|||| You do like to have fu|| don't you, Ted?

|| (heart pounding)||

|||||||| It|'s getting late. I'll get your coats.

|||||| "I'll get your coats"?!

|| I don't know why I said that|| Why'd I say that?

|| It's the opposite of what I meant.

|| I wanna take clothes off them, not put more on.

Ted, you're ruining this for ever||ne.

|| Leave him alone!

|| Sometimes even

the greatest warriors shoot them||lves in the foot.

|||| What are you talking about?

If you must know, it wasn't a freak beverage malfunction

|||||| that stopped me from riding the tricycle that night.

||So, Barney, why don't we

|| take this party to a more horizontal location?

|||||||| (heart pounding)

|||||||||| Oh, no, the night's ruined!

|||||| No, baby, it's not.

Ye|| it is! Whatever this night was heading towards is ruined.

||||Where's my coat?

|| Why would you do that to yourself?

Because you get up in your head, man.

Yo||start thinking,

"I can't do this. It's two women."

|| That's two of everything, four of some things.

The ||gistics alon||are enough to cripple even a pro like me.

Se|| if a complete degenerate like Barney choked,

what chance do I have?

|| The best chance in the world.

|||||||||||| ||Fear took the belt from me.

|||||||| Fear rode th||tricycle that night, my friends.

|||||| ||But fear will not get a second turn.

|| It won't? No.

|||| Because I now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt.

|||| It is my destiny to help my friend win it.

|||||||||| Ted is fated to go there first.

|||| He is our Neil Armstrong.

|||| ||(laughs): Spacesuit up, Ted,

'cause you're||oing to the moon.

Step||ne.

|||||| Ladies.||

|||| I couldn't find your coats,

but I di||||nd... tequila.

(squealing)||

Wait, wait, wait, a remote control fireplace?

We don't ha|| a remote control fireplace.

Right, that's my apartment.

|| The dressing gown's mine, too.

Damn, this should be me.

Anyway, continuing...

(music playing)

|||| Whew! (moans)

||I am so exha||ted.

So exhausted.

Wait, why would I want to tire them out?

|| That's your excuse to unleash pretext

for physical contact #1.

Oh, you give the mo|| a||zing foot massage.

|||||| That's 'cause I used to practice

all the time on my grandmother.

|||| Why in God's name would I say ||at?

|| It's endearing. You're a caregiver.

||||||Never take||amily values ||out of the equation.

|||||| Step thre(sighs)

Te|| what's wrong?

I was just thinking about this documentary I saw once

|||||| about something called a super volcano.

|||| Okay, what the hell?

Wait for it.

|| It can happen at any time.

|| And obliterate ||||all life on Earth,

which is why I live by thresimple words.

|||||| ||n't postpone joy.

|||||| Oh, my God.

|||| That's so true.

|||| Yeah.

|||| The mortality angle.

|| That's actu||ly pretty good.

|| I can do this. Yes, you can.

|| Yeah. I can't believe I'm going to say this,

|||| but I'm ||tually moved.

All right. it in, guys.||||||||

I'll see you on the other side.

|||||||||||||||||| (giggling)

|||||||||||| (giggling)

|||||||||| So what happened next?||Did you do

|| It doesn't seem right to talk about it.

What? No! Tell me.

Don't tell m|| because you don't have to

because you didn't do it.

You didn't do it. You did it.

You did it, didn't you?

Did you?

You didn't do it.

|| Yes, you did. You did.

No, you didn't.

|| Tell me!

Some stories you tell, ||me stories you don't.

That's because you didn't do it.

||He didn't do it.

You did it. u did it, didn't you?

You did it. Tell me, did||ou?

|||| Ted, belt. Did you?

Did you || didn't you?

Did?

Tell me,||lease. For the love...

Do you||now if he did or didn't?

Oh, hey, um, Hmm?

would you go in there and ||e if my date's okay?

|| No problem.

|||| Thank you.

|||||| No, nobody's in there, but the window's actually open.

|||||| I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.||

I mean, she wa||acting weird ||l night, right?

Yeah, you know... (laughs)

|||||| ||why don't I buy you a drink?

|| Okay.

|| Did I overhear that you're a surgeon?

Guilty as charged.||

|| ||(chuckles)

Oh, you're so funny.

|| I'm here!

||||I'm fine!

|| My head is bleeding.

|| Going down again.

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