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1
00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:02,650
Hello, Fran Fernandez?
2
00:00:02,863 --> 00:00:04,375
Er, yes?
3
00:00:04,504 --> 00:00:07,250
This is Linda from the
Fraud Prevention Team.
4
00:00:07,446 --> 00:00:10,364
We've noticed some suspicious
activity on your card.
5
00:00:10,382 --> 00:00:12,390
As a precaution, Mrs Fernandez,
6
00:00:12,430 --> 00:00:14,883
I'd like to go through some
of your recent purchases.
7
00:00:14,923 --> 00:00:16,426
Is this a good time?
8
00:00:16,455 --> 00:00:18,522
Yeah, sure.
9
00:00:18,539 --> 00:00:22,363
Did you purchase a couples spa
weekend at the Carinthia Hotel?
10
00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:25,247
That was probably my
husband. We share an account.
11
00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:28,725
Sometimes he will make
purchases without my knowing.
12
00:00:28,748 --> 00:00:31,695
Oh, I'm sorry. I've probably
ruined a nice surprise for you.
13
00:00:31,902 --> 00:00:33,850
Oh, God, don't worry.
He won't be taking ME.
14
00:00:33,930 --> 00:00:38,409
OK. You're absolutely sure it's
your husband using the card?
15
00:00:38,461 --> 00:00:40,124
Yeah. Pretty sure.
16
00:00:40,337 --> 00:00:42,830
Linda, can I just check
the last transaction?
17
00:00:42,881 --> 00:00:45,956
Let's see. 03:35 AM,
I've got bottle service
18
00:00:45,996 --> 00:00:47,993
in a nightclub called Snakes And Lads.
19
00:00:48,022 --> 00:00:49,864
Oh, yes, that's definitely Joao.
20
00:00:49,911 --> 00:00:51,189
It's his favourite gay bar.
21
00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:53,929
It's for �2,600.
22
00:00:55,961 --> 00:00:58,523
Gosh. Tha... that is...
that is a lot, isn't it?
23
00:00:58,540 --> 00:01:01,533
I will very much bring that up
with my husband when he gets home.
24
00:01:01,579 --> 00:01:03,802
- You have a nice day now.
- Thanks so much, Linda.
25
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,528
Stop trying to run away.
26
00:01:20,556 --> 00:01:21,770
What?
27
00:01:22,727 --> 00:01:25,450
Of course I'm trying to bloody run away!
28
00:01:26,124 --> 00:01:29,095
Will you two please quit cocking about?
29
00:01:29,112 --> 00:01:31,978
You are making a huge mistake.
30
00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:33,625
When my people realise I'm missing,
31
00:01:33,671 --> 00:01:36,630
they're gonna find you two clowns
and bury you in your own shit.
32
00:01:36,650 --> 00:01:38,530
Wait. You've got people?
33
00:01:38,587 --> 00:01:40,729
I'm the head of a wealth management firm
34
00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:43,234
operating in over 100 countries.
35
00:01:43,274 --> 00:01:47,183
My house has four AGAs. Of
course I have fucking people!
36
00:01:47,206 --> 00:01:49,417
Well, Mr K...
37
00:01:49,624 --> 00:01:51,996
... also has people...
38
00:01:52,272 --> 00:01:54,218
- Us.
- If you pull that trigger,
39
00:01:54,235 --> 00:01:55,749
your boss is gonna lose a lot more
40
00:01:55,766 --> 00:01:58,455
than the few hundred
thousand quid I've skimmed.
41
00:02:01,765 --> 00:02:03,014
Hello?
42
00:02:03,981 --> 00:02:06,659
- Yeah, we've got her.
- Let me speak to him. Put him on.
43
00:02:06,664 --> 00:02:08,248
She wants to talk to you.
44
00:02:09,042 --> 00:02:11,545
Christian? Hi, good
evening. How are you?
45
00:02:11,574 --> 00:02:14,130
Listen, this has all been terrific fun,
46
00:02:14,153 --> 00:02:15,990
but er, here's the thing.
47
00:02:16,012 --> 00:02:18,096
I've been quietly
putting all your savings
48
00:02:18,119 --> 00:02:21,390
into a high-security bank
account that only I can access.
49
00:02:21,424 --> 00:02:24,959
- Think of it as an insurance policy.
- Clever. I'd never think of that.
50
00:02:24,965 --> 00:02:27,976
Yeah, and that's why this suit cost
more than everything you two own.
51
00:02:28,010 --> 00:02:29,973
I doubt it. Fran's got an Xbox.
52
00:02:30,008 --> 00:02:32,155
Now, here's the really juicy part.
53
00:02:32,190 --> 00:02:34,493
If I don't sign into that
account every six hours,
54
00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:37,958
it becomes permanently
frozen. Bye-bye, savings.
55
00:02:37,986 --> 00:02:39,771
Hello, Chicken Cottage.
56
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:41,562
It's a fast-food restaurant.
57
00:02:41,568 --> 00:02:43,525
My stepson goes there
when he's on drugs.
58
00:02:43,773 --> 00:02:47,803
The fact is, I last signed in,
let's see, around three hours ago,
59
00:02:47,831 --> 00:02:50,463
so you might want to let me
go sooner rather than later.
60
00:02:50,486 --> 00:02:51,690
OK?
61
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:54,464
Oh. He wants to speak to you.
62
00:02:56,566 --> 00:02:58,050
Get the password how?
63
00:02:58,390 --> 00:02:59,576
Torture her?
64
00:02:59,651 --> 00:03:00,814
Erm...
65
00:03:01,954 --> 00:03:03,854
... torture isn't really our thing.
66
00:03:03,871 --> 00:03:06,197
We just like a nice clean kill.
67
00:03:06,525 --> 00:03:10,918
Tell him if he lets me go now,
I'll split the money 50-50.
68
00:03:12,357 --> 00:03:14,395
Understood.
69
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,015
Waterboarding?
70
00:03:24,072 --> 00:03:25,828
Oh, no, no way.
71
00:03:26,092 --> 00:03:27,491
Racking?
72
00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:28,971
Riding the rail.
73
00:03:28,994 --> 00:03:30,859
The brazen bull?
74
00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:34,428
These torture techniques look
like tantric sex positions.
75
00:03:34,434 --> 00:03:36,397
- Fran, this is not our bag.
- No.
76
00:03:36,437 --> 00:03:38,365
I mean, it's one thing
killing somebody but...
77
00:03:38,411 --> 00:03:40,656
popping their tips in
a laminator, I mean...
78
00:03:40,696 --> 00:03:43,126
Listen! Your boss isn't an idiot.
79
00:03:43,146 --> 00:03:45,226
He will take the deal, and when he does,
80
00:03:45,256 --> 00:03:47,626
if you've so much as
scuffed my Louboutins,
81
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,448
I'm gonna make sure he has you killed,
82
00:03:49,494 --> 00:03:53,126
then resuscitated by a team of
very expensive Swiss surgeons
83
00:03:53,155 --> 00:03:54,968
and then killed again.
84
00:04:01,911 --> 00:04:04,104
There's no way we're doing
any of that awful stuff.
85
00:04:04,127 --> 00:04:06,826
We need to... We need
to think out of the box.
86
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:09,506
Mints. Extra Strong.
87
00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:12,952
Pop three of these in
her mouth at once and...
88
00:04:13,073 --> 00:04:15,198
Not exactly Saw, is it?
89
00:04:16,594 --> 00:04:19,546
- Oh, God, it's Joao.
- Is he stealing from you again?
90
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,125
Jamie, it's not stealing.
91
00:04:21,148 --> 00:04:23,641
He's simply taking my
money without permission.
92
00:04:23,682 --> 00:04:25,524
- He's been with you for six months?
- Mm.
93
00:04:25,552 --> 00:04:28,155
He's got his visa now.
You could be out there,
94
00:04:28,178 --> 00:04:32,214
meeting someone that means
something to you. Fran...
95
00:04:32,299 --> 00:04:35,386
Do you know, I can totally
see you getting it together
96
00:04:35,415 --> 00:04:37,919
with a Salma Hayek figure, yeah?
97
00:04:37,948 --> 00:04:41,848
And she is not gonna steal money
from you, because she is loaded.
98
00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:44,913
Can I just say, I dated for years
and all I ever got was heartbreak...
99
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:47,666
and the occasional bout of oral thrush.
100
00:04:49,746 --> 00:04:51,576
Oi! Loose Women!
101
00:04:51,593 --> 00:04:53,481
Tick-fucking-tock!
102
00:04:53,506 --> 00:04:55,628
Tell Mr K to take the deal!
103
00:04:57,066 --> 00:04:59,255
Fran, talking of oral thrush...
104
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:00,867
I don't have time to give her that now.
105
00:05:00,924 --> 00:05:03,515
No, why don't we seduce her
106
00:05:03,546 --> 00:05:06,325
with a bit of S-and-M hostage role-play?
107
00:05:06,546 --> 00:05:08,064
Now, I'm totally up for it,
108
00:05:08,081 --> 00:05:11,390
but full disclosure, I am
on day four of these Spanx,
109
00:05:11,414 --> 00:05:12,479
- so...
- Oh, God.
110
00:05:12,490 --> 00:05:14,661
I don't know who would be into that.
111
00:05:14,828 --> 00:05:17,396
- What, you've never tried role-play in the bedroom?
- Er...
112
00:05:17,770 --> 00:05:19,791
sex is like life, Jamie.
113
00:05:19,826 --> 00:05:21,973
You just want to rattle
through it quickly
114
00:05:22,026 --> 00:05:23,464
and then apologise.
115
00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:25,405
Although, having said that...
116
00:05:25,416 --> 00:05:27,034
... it doesn't always work.
117
00:05:27,448 --> 00:05:29,038
This guy I'm seeing at the moment.
118
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:32,141
There is nothing about Colin
I can get excited about.
119
00:05:32,158 --> 00:05:35,169
It's like having sex with
a piece of Shredded Wheat.
120
00:05:35,330 --> 00:05:37,834
I've burned through most
of my role-play repertoire
121
00:05:37,857 --> 00:05:40,673
trying to spice things up a
bit, you know, the French maid,
122
00:05:40,706 --> 00:05:42,901
the naughty nurse,
the disgraced dentist.
123
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:44,404
He's not into any of it.
124
00:05:44,433 --> 00:05:48,146
Trust me, this is a
waste of everyone's time!
125
00:05:48,226 --> 00:05:50,656
My personal trainer says
I have the pain threshold
126
00:05:50,666 --> 00:05:52,913
of someone in a medically-induced coma!
127
00:05:52,988 --> 00:05:54,548
Right. Listen.
128
00:05:54,623 --> 00:05:56,471
If we're gonna get
that psycho to break...
129
00:05:56,995 --> 00:05:59,027
- we need to get in here.
- Into your head.
130
00:05:59,079 --> 00:06:02,096
Into HER head, Jamie.
131
00:06:02,108 --> 00:06:04,583
- Sounds intense.
- It can be.
132
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,736
Leave this to me.
133
00:06:07,853 --> 00:06:10,317
I don't want you to get
caught in the crossfire.
134
00:06:11,273 --> 00:06:14,451
Come on. That's it. Let it all out.
135
00:06:14,466 --> 00:06:16,437
I'm...
136
00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:19,592
The thing is, it's
really hard, you know,
137
00:06:19,673 --> 00:06:23,623
because I really try and I try,
and I don't get anything back.
138
00:06:23,899 --> 00:06:26,110
We're not properly married but...
139
00:06:26,157 --> 00:06:28,022
Fran, you need to wise up.
140
00:06:28,074 --> 00:06:30,601
Tell this Joao what I
told my mother last week.
141
00:06:30,626 --> 00:06:32,746
If you can't pay your
way, you're on the streets.
142
00:06:35,523 --> 00:06:36,946
Oh. Sorry.
143
00:06:37,026 --> 00:06:38,866
It's just it... Well, it's been...
144
00:06:39,450 --> 00:06:42,490
It's been a while. Just
thought I'd check in.
145
00:06:42,691 --> 00:06:46,859
See how the... mind game's going.
146
00:06:48,437 --> 00:06:50,314
I've just been telling Fran here
147
00:06:50,346 --> 00:06:52,455
that she needs to be more
assertive with this...
148
00:06:52,524 --> 00:06:55,189
excuse my French, fuck-wit Joao.
149
00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:57,066
He is walking all over her.
150
00:06:57,146 --> 00:06:58,777
- Thank you!
- Yeah.
151
00:06:58,828 --> 00:07:00,866
That's what I've been
telling her. Fran...
152
00:07:00,930 --> 00:07:03,894
she's right. Joao is taking the piss.
153
00:07:03,940 --> 00:07:05,656
Yeah, listen to your friend, Fran.
154
00:07:05,673 --> 00:07:08,592
Yeah. I... I will. And
you're... you're both right.
155
00:07:08,626 --> 00:07:10,106
I'm gonna go call him now
156
00:07:10,123 --> 00:07:12,760
- and tell him he now I feel.
- Oh, good girl!
157
00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:14,574
Thank you.
158
00:07:15,104 --> 00:07:18,092
Keep the pressure up because
I think she's about to crack.
159
00:07:18,268 --> 00:07:19,628
Absolutely, mate.
160
00:07:19,708 --> 00:07:20,976
Thank you again.
161
00:07:21,195 --> 00:07:23,348
I'll tidy myself up and speak to him.
162
00:07:25,385 --> 00:07:27,867
Right, you're gonna
give me the password.
163
00:07:27,884 --> 00:07:30,861
Come on, then. What have you got?
164
00:07:31,428 --> 00:07:32,686
Joao?
165
00:07:32,795 --> 00:07:34,453
Joao, it's me.
166
00:07:34,781 --> 00:07:36,508
Your sham wife?
167
00:07:36,588 --> 00:07:38,384
Joao, turn the music down.
168
00:07:38,788 --> 00:07:41,579
Turn the music down!
169
00:07:42,948 --> 00:07:44,924
I don't care there's a foam party.
170
00:07:44,948 --> 00:07:47,383
Just please get them out of the house.
171
00:07:47,475 --> 00:07:48,788
OK, listen.
172
00:07:48,817 --> 00:07:52,110
I will shut down that joint account
unless you start contributing.
173
00:07:52,628 --> 00:07:54,101
Contributing.
174
00:07:54,548 --> 00:07:57,406
Con... Oh, fuck, hang on, what is it?
175
00:07:57,428 --> 00:07:59,208
Con... Oh, hang on.
176
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:01,953
Contribuir... that's it!
177
00:08:04,210 --> 00:08:07,428
How are you er... doing with those?
178
00:08:08,241 --> 00:08:11,844
- Ready to talk?
- I've actually had a bit of a sniffle coming on,
179
00:08:11,868 --> 00:08:14,613
so it is helping to clear
out the old nasal passage.
180
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,403
I'm actually rubbish
at this torture stuff.
181
00:08:17,428 --> 00:08:19,647
Jamie, don't do yourself down.
182
00:08:20,039 --> 00:08:22,406
I think you're the
brains of this outfit.
183
00:08:22,428 --> 00:08:24,451
- Really?
- Yes, it's so obvious.
184
00:08:24,479 --> 00:08:27,154
Fran's out there, yacking
away to her husband
185
00:08:27,182 --> 00:08:29,195
while you're in here manning the ship.
186
00:08:29,748 --> 00:08:31,948
You're the one who's really in charge.
187
00:08:32,401 --> 00:08:35,667
And that's why I'm going
to give you the password.
188
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:36,915
For what?
189
00:08:37,482 --> 00:08:38,908
The bank account.
190
00:08:38,988 --> 00:08:41,401
- Wait, seriously?
- Yes.
191
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:43,626
OK. Are you ready?
192
00:08:43,748 --> 00:08:45,412
The password is...
193
00:08:45,716 --> 00:08:46,891
two.
194
00:08:48,502 --> 00:08:50,897
That's it, just two?
195
00:08:50,952 --> 00:08:53,896
Yeah. Nice and simple
so I don't forget it.
196
00:08:54,135 --> 00:08:55,604
Smart.
197
00:08:57,148 --> 00:08:58,916
Are you gonna call
your boss and tell him?
198
00:08:59,068 --> 00:09:01,569
I actually... I'm not
allowed to call Mr K.
199
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,489
- It's usually Fran...
- Uh-oh-oh-oh, Jamie?
200
00:09:03,508 --> 00:09:06,764
I thought we'd just agreed
that you're in charge?
201
00:09:07,358 --> 00:09:09,665
- Who's the one who's got the password?
- The password?
202
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,277
- To the bank account!
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
203
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:14,870
Wait, what was it again?
204
00:09:14,884 --> 00:09:16,021
- Two!
- Two.
205
00:09:16,508 --> 00:09:18,002
Two. Got it.
206
00:09:19,973 --> 00:09:22,644
Can you imagine how pleased he'll
be when you call and tell him?
207
00:09:23,032 --> 00:09:26,148
He'll probably give you
some kind of special reward.
208
00:09:26,228 --> 00:09:27,876
I don't know what you're into.
209
00:09:28,148 --> 00:09:29,231
A...
210
00:09:29,628 --> 00:09:30,889
bicycle?
211
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,248
Or a...
212
00:09:32,868 --> 00:09:33,901
button?
213
00:09:35,428 --> 00:09:37,554
Hoo. Great news.
214
00:09:38,628 --> 00:09:41,244
Joao has finally agreed to
pull his weight financially.
215
00:09:41,268 --> 00:09:43,556
Great. Yep, he's planning
to set up a nightclub,
216
00:09:43,579 --> 00:09:45,855
which, if my Portuguese
translation is correct,
217
00:09:45,868 --> 00:09:48,332
I think he's gonna call Cock-A-Hoop.
218
00:09:50,442 --> 00:09:52,169
- What are you doing?
- Calling Mr K.
219
00:09:52,178 --> 00:09:53,721
Why? You're not supposed to do that!
220
00:09:53,748 --> 00:09:56,848
Hang on, I broke her. I've
got the password. It's two.
221
00:09:57,275 --> 00:09:59,192
- What do you mean it's two?
- It's two.
222
00:09:59,209 --> 00:10:01,143
It's just two. Can you believe it?
223
00:10:01,148 --> 00:10:03,693
No, I can't believe it
because it's not just two.
224
00:10:03,708 --> 00:10:05,265
She's playing... Give me that.
225
00:10:05,368 --> 00:10:07,124
No! Just cos you're jealous.
226
00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:09,519
- Cos I'm manning the ship.
- Rubbish!
227
00:10:10,828 --> 00:10:13,141
Er, hello, Mr K? Yep, erm...
228
00:10:13,191 --> 00:10:15,595
Well, we just wanted
to ring in and erm...
229
00:10:15,674 --> 00:10:18,488
well, just see how you
are, really. How are you?
230
00:10:18,522 --> 00:10:20,111
And how's...
231
00:10:21,786 --> 00:10:23,277
Right. Just shut the fuck up.
232
00:10:23,312 --> 00:10:25,194
I will do that. And...
233
00:10:25,468 --> 00:10:27,618
Yeah, I'll get on with it now.
234
00:10:28,068 --> 00:10:31,061
Yes, because my life depends on it.
235
00:10:31,388 --> 00:10:33,692
Thank you for... Lovely to catch up.
236
00:10:33,962 --> 00:10:36,956
This is turning out to be quite fun.
237
00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:49,919
If we can't make her give us
the password in the next hour,
238
00:10:49,948 --> 00:10:51,362
we are both dead.
239
00:10:51,382 --> 00:10:55,010
Mate, I promise you, I'm pushing
my brain to the absolute limit.
240
00:10:58,496 --> 00:11:00,923
- Who's that?
- Oh...
241
00:11:01,287 --> 00:11:03,143
God, it's Colin.
242
00:11:04,388 --> 00:11:05,463
- That's Colin?
- Yep.
243
00:11:05,509 --> 00:11:07,119
- Colin you've been seeing?
- Yes.
244
00:11:07,148 --> 00:11:08,466
- Mr Shredded Wheat?
- Yep.
245
00:11:09,510 --> 00:11:11,645
God. You didn't tell me he was coming.
246
00:11:11,668 --> 00:11:13,819
You also didn't tell me
he was so insanely hot.
247
00:11:13,829 --> 00:11:16,438
I dropped a pin, and
he's brought us some soup.
248
00:11:16,469 --> 00:11:18,856
Erm... that's your boyfriend?
249
00:11:18,997 --> 00:11:20,894
What escort agency is he with?
250
00:11:21,001 --> 00:11:22,323
What does he think we do?
251
00:11:22,358 --> 00:11:24,674
TV licence inspectors.
252
00:11:24,830 --> 00:11:26,087
That's not even a thing anymore.
253
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,954
You might as well have
said we're chimney sweeps.
254
00:11:28,005 --> 00:11:29,392
What do you tell Joao?
255
00:11:29,453 --> 00:11:32,134
- He's never really asked.
- Does Colin charge by the hour?
256
00:11:32,195 --> 00:11:34,026
Will you shut up? Or I'll kill you.
257
00:11:34,062 --> 00:11:35,404
You won't get the password.
258
00:11:35,424 --> 00:11:38,170
Fine. I'll wee in a bath
every day and drown you in it.
259
00:11:38,417 --> 00:11:40,652
I've got a client who'd
pay a lot of money for that.
260
00:11:40,708 --> 00:11:43,140
The soup is gonna be cold.
261
00:11:43,548 --> 00:11:45,587
- So let's deal with this.
- Hey, babe.
262
00:11:45,653 --> 00:11:47,028
Hi.
263
00:11:48,655 --> 00:11:49,866
Sorry I'm late.
264
00:11:49,886 --> 00:11:52,132
The orphanage is really
understaffed the moment,
265
00:11:52,147 --> 00:11:54,171
- so it was tough to get away.
- Whatever.
266
00:11:54,539 --> 00:11:56,628
- You must be Fran.
- Hi.
267
00:11:56,663 --> 00:11:59,403
Did you say you
worked... in an orphanage?
268
00:11:59,449 --> 00:12:00,748
Volunteer.
269
00:12:00,828 --> 00:12:02,602
My day job is swimwear modelling,
270
00:12:02,628 --> 00:12:04,534
but that's just to
put bread on the table.
271
00:12:04,630 --> 00:12:07,961
My true passion has always been
my work with disadvantaged kids.
272
00:12:07,991 --> 00:12:09,783
Do you do couples?
273
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,170
- Who's that?
- TV licence dodger.
274
00:12:12,371 --> 00:12:13,647
You put them in the van with you?
275
00:12:13,662 --> 00:12:16,453
Well, it's the only way those
cheating bastards will learn.
276
00:12:16,553 --> 00:12:17,633
Yes.
277
00:12:17,966 --> 00:12:19,465
- Thank you.
- No worries.
278
00:12:19,511 --> 00:12:21,236
It was worth it just to see you.
279
00:12:21,287 --> 00:12:23,119
Listen, Jamie...
280
00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:25,328
- Now what?
- I was thinking a lot about,
281
00:12:25,349 --> 00:12:27,074
you know, the other night.
282
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,285
I can get into the naughty nurse thing,
283
00:12:29,311 --> 00:12:30,824
as long as we make it clear
284
00:12:30,829 --> 00:12:32,959
that I'm only naughty in my own time.
285
00:12:34,735 --> 00:12:36,441
What about the croutons?
286
00:12:36,557 --> 00:12:39,230
Just leave them outside. Cheers.
287
00:12:40,908 --> 00:12:43,322
You know, I usually use Omega Escorts,
288
00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:46,468
but the last one they sent
me was such a let-down.
289
00:12:46,471 --> 00:12:48,550
Six-foot seven, completely hairless
290
00:12:48,588 --> 00:12:50,437
and hung like a frightened lab rat.
291
00:12:50,538 --> 00:12:52,818
God, he's such a dork.
292
00:12:56,411 --> 00:12:58,787
That's it. Off you fuck.
293
00:12:59,054 --> 00:13:02,068
Vegetable soup!
294
00:13:02,512 --> 00:13:04,253
Classic Colin.
295
00:13:04,468 --> 00:13:06,776
If you're not going to
eat it, can I have some?
296
00:13:06,811 --> 00:13:07,830
Sure.
297
00:13:07,876 --> 00:13:09,808
Whoa! Whoa, there.
298
00:13:09,929 --> 00:13:12,710
If she's that hungry, we can
maybe use it to break her.
299
00:13:13,512 --> 00:13:16,262
I'm not gonna get so
hungry in the next two hours
300
00:13:16,268 --> 00:13:19,526
that I give up millions of
pounds. I'm not a cartoon bear!
301
00:13:19,552 --> 00:13:21,055
All right, fine.
302
00:13:27,731 --> 00:13:29,268
It's quite nice, actually.
303
00:13:31,213 --> 00:13:33,590
- God. What a fuck-up.
- I know, right?
304
00:13:33,591 --> 00:13:36,370
Vegetable soup. He is such a tit.
305
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,389
No... Oh, forget it.
306
00:13:39,605 --> 00:13:41,078
Hang on, what's in that?
307
00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:44,348
Ooh, er... onions...
308
00:13:44,428 --> 00:13:46,706
celery, soy sauce...
309
00:13:46,747 --> 00:13:49,966
Soy sauce? Shitting hell! I
am seriously allergic to soy!
310
00:13:49,988 --> 00:13:51,525
You have to get me to a hospital.
311
00:13:51,548 --> 00:13:54,336
- Oh, nice try.
- No, I'm not fucking around!
312
00:13:54,348 --> 00:13:56,042
Bullshit!
313
00:13:58,903 --> 00:14:01,138
Oh, God! Stay with us,
314
00:14:01,148 --> 00:14:02,945
you horrid, fancy cow!
315
00:14:03,081 --> 00:14:05,696
Oh, God, she's passing out!
No, we need to keep alive
316
00:14:05,708 --> 00:14:07,391
until she gives us the password.
317
00:14:08,562 --> 00:14:11,398
- What do you do with allergic reactions?
- I don't know.
318
00:14:11,428 --> 00:14:12,927
How about a YouTube tutorial?
319
00:14:12,948 --> 00:14:14,426
That's a great idea. Look it up.
320
00:14:14,713 --> 00:14:16,641
Breathe. Breathe.
321
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,160
- First aid.
- Yeah.
322
00:14:18,231 --> 00:14:19,669
- Allergic reaction.
- Great!
323
00:14:19,881 --> 00:14:22,212
- I know what you're thinking...
- Skip the ad!
324
00:14:22,232 --> 00:14:24,402
- How do I skip it?
- Skip ad"! Four seconds.
325
00:14:25,002 --> 00:14:27,677
- Bottom right!
- There's no skip... Got it!
326
00:14:27,687 --> 00:14:31,679
Hello, and welcome to
Emergency Room For You.
327
00:14:32,269 --> 00:14:34,418
In this three-hour tutorial...
328
00:14:34,761 --> 00:14:37,854
For fuck sake! Maybe we
should take her to hospital.
329
00:14:37,868 --> 00:14:40,917
- No, it's too risky.
- Who else is gonna help us with this?
330
00:14:41,154 --> 00:14:43,787
- ... dairy, shellfish...
- No!
331
00:14:43,838 --> 00:14:46,960
- I am not calling Liz and Charles.
- Do we have a choice?
332
00:14:49,035 --> 00:14:52,561
Calling Mr K's A-team to
mop up your mess again?
333
00:14:52,605 --> 00:14:53,908
So pathetic.
334
00:14:53,988 --> 00:14:57,085
Setting up all this shit just
so you have an excuse to see me.
335
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,310
In my dreams. Er,
your dreams. Fuck sake!
336
00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:02,191
There we go. She should
be absolutely fine.
337
00:15:03,628 --> 00:15:05,108
You skip lunch?
338
00:15:05,611 --> 00:15:07,708
Cos you got some hungry eyes, girl.
339
00:15:10,828 --> 00:15:12,701
Thanks, Charles. You're a lifesaver.
340
00:15:12,708 --> 00:15:14,345
Oh, no, honestly, it's been an honour.
341
00:15:14,366 --> 00:15:17,781
It's been really lovely to flex
the old medical muscles again.
342
00:15:17,877 --> 00:15:20,707
Reminds me of my time when I
was an Army nurse in Helmand.
343
00:15:20,738 --> 00:15:22,357
Good times. Can't go back.
344
00:15:22,458 --> 00:15:25,087
Literally. We left it
in an absolute mess.
345
00:15:25,108 --> 00:15:27,470
Come on, Charles! We got
better things to do than...
346
00:15:27,530 --> 00:15:29,049
bail out these assholes.
347
00:15:29,064 --> 00:15:32,006
Well, if Mr K loses all his
money, you'll be out of job.
348
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:34,614
Anyway, why are you all
dressed up in that sexy outfit?
349
00:15:34,628 --> 00:15:37,067
I mean, not that I find
it sexy. Not my bag at all.
350
00:15:37,082 --> 00:15:38,844
Don't like it. Can't look at it. Urgh.
351
00:15:38,874 --> 00:15:40,832
We're infiltrating a sex party.
352
00:15:40,887 --> 00:15:42,331
Billionaire Russian pervs.
353
00:15:42,336 --> 00:15:43,709
Why don't we get jobs like that?
354
00:15:43,748 --> 00:15:45,288
Yeah, well, no offence,
355
00:15:45,313 --> 00:15:49,436
but you're less high-end sex
party, more Warhammer convention.
356
00:15:50,057 --> 00:15:52,908
Righty-ho, keep her
off anything soy-based.
357
00:15:53,028 --> 00:15:54,908
She was very lucky this time.
358
00:15:56,066 --> 00:15:58,473
Charles, we couldn't
borrow that stuff, could we?
359
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,723
Yeah, sure. Why not?
360
00:16:00,966 --> 00:16:02,167
Thanks.
361
00:16:02,548 --> 00:16:05,068
Charles, are they really
gonna let you in wearing that?
362
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,943
Me? Oh, I'm actually not going in.
363
00:16:06,974 --> 00:16:09,143
I'm gonna be in the
car park. Liz's orders.
364
00:16:09,158 --> 00:16:10,646
So why are you wearing that?
365
00:16:11,993 --> 00:16:14,668
- Just feels nice.
- Fuck sake, Charles! Let's go!
366
00:16:14,748 --> 00:16:17,050
OK.
367
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:19,428
Why did you keep
talking to those idiots?
368
00:16:19,472 --> 00:16:21,637
I was boiling in there
with his goddamn thing on.
369
00:16:21,662 --> 00:16:24,266
My body's slicker than a
fucking sea otter right now!
370
00:16:24,312 --> 00:16:25,700
Other side.
371
00:16:26,108 --> 00:16:29,096
- Give us the password.
- No.
372
00:16:29,594 --> 00:16:32,307
All right. Jamie, what have we got?
373
00:16:32,401 --> 00:16:35,202
Ooh, I've got tofu, edamame beans,
374
00:16:35,215 --> 00:16:36,893
miso dressing, Taste The Difference.
375
00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:38,748
Flumps, some teriyaki...
376
00:16:38,788 --> 00:16:39,988
Sorry, Flumps?
377
00:16:40,022 --> 00:16:41,388
- Do they have soy in them?
- No.
378
00:16:41,449 --> 00:16:43,044
Sorry, I got those for me.
379
00:16:43,054 --> 00:16:45,935
You can't kill me. We
both know you're bluffing.
380
00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:48,826
You're right, I can't kill
you, but what I can do...
381
00:16:48,872 --> 00:16:51,672
is just take you to the very brink...
382
00:16:51,728 --> 00:16:55,320
again and again and again,
and then just bring you back.
383
00:16:55,416 --> 00:16:58,871
Anyway, Jamie, I think
I'd like to start with the
384
00:16:59,124 --> 00:17:01,364
salmon teriyaki, please.
385
00:17:02,679 --> 00:17:05,701
- Shouldn't we start small?
- Oh, I'm done fucking around.
386
00:17:06,508 --> 00:17:07,868
Let us commence.
387
00:17:10,788 --> 00:17:12,070
Mmm.
388
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:17,545
Oh, fine, fine, fine!
389
00:17:17,748 --> 00:17:19,997
I'll give you the password.
390
00:17:21,188 --> 00:17:24,089
It's encrypted so you
need to take to my office.
391
00:17:25,228 --> 00:17:28,333
Now get that sushi out of my face!
392
00:17:34,192 --> 00:17:35,988
How long's this gonna take?
393
00:17:36,068 --> 00:17:38,147
I'm going as fast as I can.
394
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:40,207
There's a very complex security system.
395
00:17:40,228 --> 00:17:41,748
This isn't Pigeon Canyon.
396
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:45,508
- What's Pigeon Canyon?
- It's an online game for children.
397
00:17:45,588 --> 00:17:47,109
My stepson got kicked off it
398
00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:49,046
for using it as a
platform to sell Ecstasy.
399
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,268
- Oh, is this him?
- Please don't touch that.
400
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:53,723
- It's very precious.
- See? You love him really.
401
00:17:53,748 --> 00:17:55,999
No, I loathe him but
the frame is a Lalique.
402
00:17:58,502 --> 00:18:00,091
Oh, God, it's Joao.
403
00:18:00,399 --> 00:18:02,907
"My heart is chock-a-block with sorry."
404
00:18:02,908 --> 00:18:04,950
He's using some rubbish
new translation app.
405
00:18:04,990 --> 00:18:07,746
Erm, "Cock-A-Hoop is a no-go-go-go,
406
00:18:07,751 --> 00:18:10,153
but I will promise I
will find wet assets."
407
00:18:10,163 --> 00:18:12,389
I presume he means
"liquid". There's a...
408
00:18:12,419 --> 00:18:14,148
Hang on, there's a link to a page.
409
00:18:14,185 --> 00:18:15,547
See? He's not all bad.
410
00:18:15,557 --> 00:18:18,751
Mate, I was too quick to judge
him. It's an eBay page. Hang on.
411
00:18:20,188 --> 00:18:21,244
What... ?
412
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:23,830
Hang on, he's selling
all my stuff online.
413
00:18:23,831 --> 00:18:25,351
Look, those are my shoes.
414
00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:27,364
My laptop's selling for a tenner.
415
00:18:27,555 --> 00:18:30,426
You are not bidding on my laptop, Jamie.
416
00:18:33,166 --> 00:18:34,988
Who the fuck is that?
417
00:18:35,644 --> 00:18:39,731
Oh! The cavalry's here.
Told you I had people!
418
00:18:46,563 --> 00:18:48,632
Get down. Get down.
419
00:18:50,962 --> 00:18:52,935
- Where's your gun?
- It's in the van.
420
00:18:52,955 --> 00:18:54,428
Well, why would you do that?
421
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,835
- This was our weapon of choice.
- Oh, don't be ridic..
422
00:18:57,365 --> 00:18:58,828
No!
423
00:19:06,068 --> 00:19:08,413
I'm over he...
424
00:19:09,176 --> 00:19:11,611
Ow! You bit me, you bitch!
425
00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:14,070
Is that teriyaki on your hand?
426
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,586
Gimme the injection!
427
00:19:18,712 --> 00:19:20,108
Yeah?
428
00:19:20,251 --> 00:19:21,677
Oi!
429
00:19:23,973 --> 00:19:27,682
What are you doing, Brian?
You nearly bloody killed me!
430
00:19:27,714 --> 00:19:30,539
- Fran, get the gun!
- What do you think I'm trying to do?
431
00:19:38,505 --> 00:19:40,007
Oh, fuck.
432
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,228
Come here!
433
00:19:45,907 --> 00:19:48,310
Shit! Oh, fuck!
434
00:20:06,555 --> 00:20:08,828
Well, your cavalry's dead.
435
00:20:12,231 --> 00:20:14,647
Help me. Please.
436
00:20:14,668 --> 00:20:17,588
- Only if you give us what we need.
- You'll just kill me.
437
00:20:17,668 --> 00:20:19,895
You're gonna die anyway.
438
00:20:19,901 --> 00:20:21,183
If you give us the password,
439
00:20:21,188 --> 00:20:23,548
there's a small chance
Mr K might let you live.
440
00:20:30,972 --> 00:20:32,133
Yep.
441
00:20:32,279 --> 00:20:33,778
She's doing it now.
442
00:20:36,629 --> 00:20:38,087
- _
- It's gone.
443
00:20:39,278 --> 00:20:40,706
Have you got it?
444
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,628
Great.
445
00:20:44,390 --> 00:20:46,459
OK, what do you want us to do with her?
446
00:20:49,523 --> 00:20:50,805
OK.
447
00:20:52,788 --> 00:20:55,124
No, hang on. You said...
448
00:20:55,190 --> 00:20:57,456
I did say it was a very small chance.
449
00:20:57,468 --> 00:20:59,454
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Yes!
450
00:20:59,468 --> 00:21:00,708
What?
451
00:21:01,578 --> 00:21:03,516
You've just bought my
laptop, haven't you?
452
00:21:03,548 --> 00:21:04,989
Mate, it was real bargain.
453
00:21:11,468 --> 00:21:14,137
I'm thinking I'm finally
ready to have a baby, Fran.
454
00:21:24,022 --> 00:21:26,742
- It's fresh...
- Why did you just lick that poo?
455
00:21:26,778 --> 00:21:28,060
I don't know.
456
00:21:35,508 --> 00:21:36,941
Why have you got an egg on your head?
457
00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:39,424
It's a responsibility exercise,
I'm thinking of having a kid.
458
00:21:44,948 --> 00:21:46,336
Any funny business...
459
00:21:48,593 --> 00:21:49,708
Right.
460
00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:55,208
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
34251
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