Original subtitles

(organ music)

(phone ringing)

- [Lou] Hello?

- [Penny] Lou?

- [Lou] Penny?

- [Penny] Lou, it laid there, like a dead fish.

- [Lou] A real flounder huh? (laughs)

- [Penny] It's not funny, Lou.

My husband can't get it up and you wanna joke.

- [Penny] Oh all right, I'll be right over.

(sighs)

(sighs)

- Look, no crotch.

- Lou, I'm eating.

- Fred loved 'em.

Honey, how many times I gotta tell you

it's the tops you're supposed to wear?

Gotta show 'em crotch.

With those tits small wonder he can't get it up anyway.

Okay, okay I'll shut up.

- Tell me it's not me.

Comfort me.

- Well, it's not you.

- Good, glad to hear that.

He needs my help.

I've got to help him solve his problem.

- Listen, your husbands a doctor, a psychiatrist,

he can solve his own problems.

It's paranoid, freak-o's like us that keep

him in business.

And you in cornflakes.

- Four nights in a row.

It just laid there, limp.

- Well Penny, he works hard, he's tired.

- There's a solution.

I know it.

- Well I don't doubt that but it's not kill

or cure time either.

- It's my sex life, my marriage, I've got to solve it.

- Wanna borrow my panties?

- It's at the office, something's going on at the office

that's causing this problem.

To cure you must understand the nature of the problem.

- Well, why don't we get clinical about it.

- [Penny] Lou, are you my friend?

- Honey, we've been friends since dirt.

- You've got to help me.

Please, go to the office.

He doesn't know you.

You've only lived next door for a week.

- Can I finish my coffee first?

I'm vicious without it.

You think I should change?

- It's settled, you go to the office.

- Penny, I don't know if I should get involved in this.

- [Penny] I've got it all planned.

They're all sickies down there.

They'll never know the difference.

Not that you're crazy or anything.

(mellow music)

- Dr. Holmes just phoned, he'll be a little late.

So why don't you wait in his office.

(upbeat music)

(page ripping)

(drawer slams)

- Do you want a glass of milk?

- No, I've got some in the truck.

- But I've got plenty.

Oh, you have a whole truck full.

- I just don't know what to do.

- [Penny] I've had experience, I can tell

it's not your fault.

- I just can't satisfy her.

- Look, maybe it's the hours you keep.

Milkmen do get up early.

- No, that's not it.

I just can't satisfy her.

I'm a lousy lover.

- Can I be personal?

- [Milkman] Sure.

- Maybe it's your equipment.

I mean, maybe you're just not large enough

in that department.

I mean, I could judge.

I could be fair about it, where as she'd never tell you

for fear of hurting your feelings.

Do you know what I mean?

- That's not it, I'm sure of it.

- See, I knew it.

You're backing away from the problem.

- [Milkman] I'm not, I'm not.

- Yes, you are now stand up.

Stand up.

- That's not it.

- Come on, now look

I want you to know my husband's a doctor.

We've discussed these situations many times before.

I just want you to know that I've had experience.

Relax, men are very sensitive

about the size of their organ.

Oh, the milk.

I didn't want it to get spoiled by sitting out there

in the heat and all.

That's not it.

This is all wrong.

I shouldn't be doing this

I shouldn't be doing this is definitively not the way to

solve your problem

Don't stop!

We won't, not until we have done our best to solve your problem

It's the only way to know for sure

Do me

- Hi, I didn't really have an appointment

but I thought maybe if you were free you could...

- Oh yes.

Well, ah...

Aww, oh you poor dear,

must be terrible, I mean, terrible with a mask and all.

Here come here, sit down.

- Thank you.

- Believe me, I know how you feel.

Believe me, I know just how you feel.

Tell me about it.

- Well I can take the mask off, it's just decoration.

- Oh no, no, no, it would be too traumatic.

- No, really I just didn't want anyone

to recognize me cause a lot of crazy people come here.

- I know what you mean, believe me, I know what you mean.

There's so many of 'em out there.

You never know what they're gonna say.

- Mm-hmm.

You have such a beautiful mouth.

- Oh, well, thank you.

Can't really see, you know, the mask and all.

Just two little holes, and two little eyes and a...

- So, you give head?

- Oh, only on Wednesdays and by appointment only.

- Just what I thought.

The minute I saw you walk through that door I said,

"There's a girl who gives head and she's ashamed of it

so she wears a mask"

- I'm not ashamed of it.

- Yes, you are.

Listen, stay right here

I want you to give me head

What? - Give me head

Oh God

You'll be cured

You can take off the mask

You'll never have to wear it again

Have faith, have faith! You must have faith in me

It will be a long difficult cure

I can cure!

I can cure!

You are, you are.

Oh here, let me lay down

Oh yeah, here, oh yeah

I'm satisfied!

I'm satisfied!

Definitely being satisfied

The problem is not yours

Maybe a little longer?

If you want to be sure

Yeah, yes, yes

You are really quite good

I can't imagine what your wife could be missing

Do you ever talk to her?

As your making love?

You're cured!

What is going on here?

I am Dr. Holmes, this is my office

and I want to know what is going on here

Well, suck a dick!

Do you think you will be finished soon?

I am expecting someone over

Oh my god!

I am glad I moved the milk

Oh no!

It's hit heart!

I think he is coming around

Coming yes, it's some kind of a heart massage

Lou I don't think you should be here when he wakes up

It could be a shock to his heart

I'll be in the bedroom

I think it was your heart

You don't have anything to worry about

I was completely satisfied

Try talking to your wife a little more as you are making

love it might help.

It's a good feeling

I should hope so

To know that you really helped someone

You're crazy, you know you are crazy

You send me all the way down to your husbands office to help you

with your problem

Then I come back here and you are balling someguy to help

with his problem

What about your problem?

You know, people need my help

They have no one to turn to

They're using you

It's Willard

Now don't come in.

Who the fuck is Willard?

Willard is the newspaper boy

He is standing out there in front of the window looking in

Don't let him see you

Oh dear the batteries are almost dead

What the hell are you doing?

Willard thinks he is a voyeur

I am helping him get over his problems with girls

Very shy you know

I really believed you when you said you wanted to help people

you just like to get laid

Hey little creep, what you do think you are doing?

I am collecting for the paper

Oh with your dick hanging out huh?

No wait, hold it

Let me ask you something, ever had a piece of ass?

Well I almost did once

Oh well yeah? Well you are never going to get it

if you are standing in the bushes jerking off

I'll tell you what, you lay down

You lay down, and you are about to get your first piece of ass

But!? - Whats the matter?

But then I can't see through the window

Oh you are really fucked

Oh you are really fucked

Oh brother

Take it easy, this isn't a goddamn watermelon

Well you aren't going to get very far with a limp dick

Alright, I'll get you up

Look at that

Think you can do it now huh?

Can I?

Can I?

Can I?

Spit it out!

Can I come inside!?

Who said you could come creep? Just keep humpin

- You perverted little bastard.

It's pimples for the rest of your life

you little cock sucker.

- You know Lou, it's like being trouble shooters.

- Trouble, yes but what are we doing?

- We're solving our problems Lou.

- Yeah, creating our problems.

First time I meet your husband I'm giving head

to one of his patients.

I'm never gonna be able to face him now.

- That's the first problem we'll solve.

You and Fred are coming to dinner tonight.

- Oh, I better go do the laundry.

- Well there's no need to dress.

- No, you see Fred's outta town and if I'm coming

to dinner I'm gonna need a date right?

And I'm always getting picked up at the Washerette.

- Doctor Holmes, what do ya do

when a fruit comes to your office?

- Well, first of all and most important I spray

them all over with insecticide

and then I just prune 'em back a little bit. (laughs)

No, seriously, I never discuss business from the office.

I mean, each individual case is very confidential.

- Oh, that's a relief.

I mean, you know that you can go to your office

and get help and not worry about anyone

finding out about it.

Not that there's anything wrong with it of course.

- That's very true, but to further elaborate

on your question right now I'm in the middle

of group therapy and I try to allow the patient

to realize his or her own problem.

And if it happens to be homosexuality, then I feel

that discussing it, bringing it out into the open,

in front of other patients in group therapy, allows them

to alleviate a certain feeling of guilt

that they may have about it.

- Mmm.

(phone rings)

- Oh, excuse me, be right back.

- So, you met Linda Lou at the laundry?

- Excuse me.

She said it was by the dryers

Yeah I was just starting a load

Is that that place where the machines carry the

eleven pound loads?

Do you use the powders or the liquids?

Well, whatever

I always use the liquids myself

You can pour them on stains and it just works wonders

You can't make the powders stick on the stains, know what I mean?

I have my own machine now

So much more convenient

Don't have to drag everything up

drag it down to the launderette and stand around waiting

You know?

Did a lot more reading before I got my washer

Penny, do you... I'll be back in a minute

You know you always meet such interesting types there

People are so intriguing

Yeah I know what you mean

I like to study their faces as they watch their clothes go around and

around in the dryers

The colors all sort of blend together

Wine stains are terrible to get out

Cotton isn't so bad

Do you always go to that laundry?

No my wife usually takes it to another place

What in the hell is going on here?

What were all those calls?

My receptionist, she is sick and won't be coming in tomorrow

and I've got to go to Los Angeles

Who is going to answer the phones?

Penny?

I could do it

I'll run the office tomorrow

Ok, you run the office tomorrow

- Do you want me to try some oral?

- Maybe tomorrow huh?

- But tomorrow you'll be getting home late from L.A.

You won't feel like ...

- Penny, darling, listen hey its late, I'm tired.

Maybe some other night.

- Are you dissatisfied with me?

- It's just work.

That's all, it's just work.

- I try.

Well, as long as you're satisfied.

- I'm satisfied.

Go to sleep.

(Penny whines)

(upbeat music)

Hello, Mrs. Winegarden, this is Dr. Holmes office.

The doctor asked if you could reschedule your appointment

for 10:00 on Wednesday.

He won't be in today.

Okay, fine, thank you.

(phone rings)

Hello, Dr. Holmes office.

Lou, how are you?

You're at the laundry?

Lou, Lou, I don't think that's such a good idea

after last night.

(phone rings)

Lou, what's the number there?

I'll call you right back okay?

(phone rings)

Okay, call you right back.

Hello, Dr. Holmes office.

Oh could I take a message and have him call you?

Okay, thank you, good bye.

(phone rings)

Dr. Holmes--

Pardon me, no the doctor isn't in the office today.

Perhaps I could help, I've had experience.

Your husband is fucking you to death?

Oh, I see, I mean I don't really see, I understand.

And he's doing it now?

I see, I mean I understand.

He's doing it in your rectum?

Oh, I imagine it does.

And it's the third time today?

Oh dear, is Mr. Custer there?

I mean I know he's there, could I speak to him?

Yes, I'll wait.

Hi, I'm Penny.

I was just wondering that maybe if you

had some free time tomorrow night you'd like

to attend one of our group encounter sessions?

Yes, I know you'd enjoy it.

Yes, I'm sure they'll be girls there.

You like the strange stuff?

I see, well, then I can count on you being there?

III be looking forward to meeting you too, goodbye.

(phone rings)

Oh.

Doctor Hol--

he isn't--

tomorrow afternoon?

What's your --

A double amputee and a midget?

Oh my God, how could you?

Oh I see, he's the right height huh?

That's disgusting.

That's disgusting.

That's the most disgusting thing I've ever

heard in my life.

You should see a doctor.

You enjoy that?

You paid?

Oh, you should see a doctor,

you should really see a doctor.

No, he does not make house calls.

Hello, Lou?

Lou, this is Penny.

Lou, I'm going completely out of my mind,

completely zonkers.

I need some release.

(slow music)

- Oh, hi.

You must be the janitor.

- I'm no janitor.

I'm a maintenance engineer.

I went to night school to learn what I'm doing.

You understand that?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, I know that your position in life probably

doesn't offer but..

- My position?

Who the fuck do you think you are lady, huh?

- Oh, well, um, I've just been here for the day.

And I was just--

- You were just here for the day and you're trying

to tell me what to do?

I mean, you even got a steady job and you're claiming

you're better than me.

- Uh look--

- Shit.

It's all related.

Your attitude, your position in life, it's all

related to your sexual drive.

- Sexual drive?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'll show you some sexual drive.

You're trying to say you're better than me.

You trying to say I'm not a man huh?

- [Penny] No. (screams)

- Come here, get down there.

Get down there.

Suck on this cunt

Suck on this you two bit cunt

Suck on that janitor dick

Sexual Drive

I am gonna fuck you till you don't wanna fuck no more

Gonna fuck your ass right off

I'll show you sexual drive

Come on, get your clothes off

Get your clothes off!

Come on, you are too slow

Lay back there now

You take off your panties

Rip them, come on!

Can't you do anything? Watch!

Now you wanna get fucked? Huh?

I'll show you sexual drive

That's what you want? Isn't it?

Tell me, is that what you wanted?

You ever been fucked in the ass?

Have you ever? You wanna be?

You're gonna be

This janitor dick is gonna go right up your ass

come on, I'll show you some position, turn over

How do you like that position?

Now lay there, you hear me?

Put your hands back here and spread your ass

How's that feel? Does it hurt?

I like it, no.

You want me to go deeper?

I can't hear you, you like it?

I like it

Is that what you wanted? A janitor dick up your ass?

How's that for position huh?

I like it

I like it - Huh, she likes it!

Fuck me!

Fuck my ass!

Fuck me!

Fuck my ass!

Come here!

- We should talk here, right?

No, he'll probably feel more comfortable in the kitchen.

- Penny, he's coming to comfort you.

He's gonna be comfortable wherever you are.

- Do I look all right?

- He's not gonna be looking at you.

(knocking at door)

- You get it.

(organ music)

- So nice of you to come father.

- It's my pleasure Mrs. Holmes.

Please call me Reverend Hope.

- You're not Catholic?

- No, universal church of life.

It's a common mistake.

- That explains it then, you see, I called

the phone prayer people and they referred me to you.

I felt like I needed a more personal touch.

It's not that I have anything against the work

they do on the phones but well, I've had experience.

- I understand sister.

What is it that seems to be troubling you?

- Well, my husband's out of town, you see.

And he called to say he wouldn't be coming

back home tonight and I had this very terrible

And well, I just felt like I needed somebody

to talk to, somebody holy that could console

me in my time of trouble.

- What was the nature of the experience?

- I don't exactly know how to tell you

and you're being a reverend and all.

- It was of a very personal nature?

- It was sexual.

- And this took place at your husband's office

while he was out of town?

- That's it, right, yeah.

He's out of town and I was leaving the office

and I was accosted, attacked by the janitor,

I mean the maintenance engineer.

- What did he do when he attacked you?

- Terrible, it was terrible the things he made me do.

- Could you be a little more specific

about what took place?

- Rape, a little rape and a little not rape.

- If you want to hear it straight preacher, it's like this,

she got fucked silly by some creepy, sadistic janitor

and she liked it.

And now she thinks she's a masochist.

Simple enough?

- Perfectly clear.

Perfectly clear.

- I didn't know how to tell you.

I mean how do you relate to this problem?

You don't engage in any--

- [Reverend] Sister, I'm married.

- You don't know what a relief it is to hear you say that.

I thought that if you'd never done anything, well then,

you'd have no way to know.

- To help someone it is not necessary to have experienced

the problem yourself.

But however, in my case being married and gay

I can relate rather well to your cock suckers,

buggerers, and scumbag mother fuckers.

(Lou and reverend laughs)

- Oh my God.

Oh my God.

It's against the world.

We're all gonna die.

We're all gonna die.

Get out, get out.

- [Reverend] I'm sorry I didn't...

- [Reverend] It's all right--

- [Lou] It's okay, I'll calm her down.

Thank you father.

(dramatic music)

- Penny?

- Oh, just a little solace, a little comfort,

that's all I wanted.

We're gonna have to see a doctor,

I'm gonna need professional help.

A psychiatrist, oh God.

If John ever found out it would break his heart.

He's very religious, you know.

- Honey, look just forget it.

Just forget about--

I mean forget it ever happened.

- I can't, I can't keep running away from my problems Lou.

I'm getting no sex outta my marriage, no release.

I'll end up turning to other men, like today.

I'll end up a vegetable.

- Penny, it's only been four days.

- I'll need professional help, therapy.

We'll attend John's therapy session tomorrow night.

- Okay, okay listen.

We'll do that and everything will be fine.

But tonight, you really need some rest.

I'm gonna take you home with me because you really

shouldn't be alone okay?

All right?

(soft music)

Got that pole ready honey? I wanted it all day long

Give me some head first - Ok sweetheart

Wait a minute, I gave you head last night why don't you give me

some head this time

What's the difference?

Honey, you give me head this time

Ok, we'll do 69

No I want head

Ok I will I will, just finish me first

No fucking way, you finish me

or you can forget it

Ok, I just wanted to make sure you didn't have anything

against eating pussy

You're really strange

Honey, you ain't seen nothing yet

Tomorrow night it's assholes

I would do it tonight, except my girlfriend is asleep in

the living room

The problem is when I get my asshole eaten out I start laughing

because I get the most terrific urge to fart

Oh Jesus Christ

Don't tell me you've never ate an asshole before

I've led a sheltered life

I guess so, you really are a straight guy

Kinda nice meeting someone with normal needs and interests

Lou

Alright, alright

Don't you worry about a thing honey

All I have to do is stick my little old finger up your little old ass

and that thing will pop right up

You really do have a tight ass

I always thought that had something to do with hemorrhoids

Oh god Lou

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a costume party

dressed as a Hemorrhoid?

Stop it

Ok, ok

See, what did I tell ya? Success

Now you lay here

Because there is nothing like a nice stiff dick to ease my mind

after a hard day

Who is it?

It's me Lou

Just a minute Penny

- Okay, come on in Penny.

- Lou, I'm sorry, I was trying to sleep

and I heard your, "Fuck me, fuck me"

and the pressures and the tensions.

And I need some release.

I mean, I've been without John for four nights,

four days and the pressures killing me.

Do you know what I mean?

- Aw, you poor baby.

I know just how you feel.

You need some release time.

Oh God, here, you truly need

some release, so you just lean over

the edge of the bed.

Fred?

We need your services dear

Do your thing

I hope you don't feel bad or anything

its the pressure I am under

Oh hon, I understand perfectly

You just enjoy yourself ok?

Oh it's glorious

Oh it's glorious

Lou I don't know how to thank you

Honey don't worry, I hate to see a good hard on go to waste

Lou it's working!

I can feel the tension flowing out of me

- You don't know what a relief that was.

It's like rehabilitation.

- Oh honey, I'm exhausted just watching you.

- Well now I can get some sleep.

And you don't have to worry about me,

I'll really sleep now boy.

Oh, go ahead, make all the noise you want Lou.

Nothing will ever wake me now.

(Penny exhales deeply)

(flute music)

- You awake Lou? Fred?

That's okay, don't get up, I'll come back later.

- [Lou] What is it Penny?

- The tension, they're starting to build up again.

- Fred? Fred?

I don't think he's up for it this morning Penny.

He's kinda straight you know?

- You know I never really got the chance to thank him.

I was gonna invite him to the therapy session tonight.

- Oh, honey, don't worry about it.

The free lay is enough thanks.

And besides, it's not a party you know.

- No, it's not.

I know it's not.

- All those troubled people, depressing to see

so many fucked up people.

- Did you say, "fucked up?"

- Did I say that?

Did I say that?

It was a slip, it just slipped right out.

I don't use those words.

(Lou laughs)

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I'm losing control.

I'm losing my focus on the problem, Lou.

I've got to help John with his problem, that's it.

- We are helping John.

We're going to the group encounter tonight.

Don't worry about it, everything's gonna be all right.

Sucky Fucky.

(ethereal music)

- You act like this is some silly game or something.

All this romantic nonsense.

Our wives have left us, you idiot.

And they're gonna take us to the cleaners.

- It's all your fault.

If we hadn't married two sisters

we wouldn't be in this mess.

They were dykes, lesbo commie dykes, a disgrace.

Bankrupt business and two limp dicks.

It's over, we're finished.

- It's our karma.

- Oh, karma's ass.

(ethereal music)

(man in wheelchair grunts)

(man in wheelchair blows raspberry)

- [man in glasses] Up yours too,

get the fuck outta here you spastic turd.

Hey, cunt.

How many cunts are in this fucking room anyway?

Ay, you.

You look like a nice cunt. (laughs)

You guys wanna see my cock?

Eh, what a bunch of crazies in here.

Think I came here to fucking beat off?

God damnit, get over here, give me some fucking head.

What the f--

(dramatic music)

- Who the hell's he supposed to be?

- [Man in white tank top] He's Little Red Riding Hood.

- [Man in plaid shirt] Your ass.

Can he talk?

- [Man in white tank top] Nine to five the wolf fucks her.

- Here we go, right up the ass.

- What the hell?

- That's Pierre, he has a problem, you know?

- No shit.

- Put her down wolf, fuck that little cunt.

[Man in plaid shirt] Come on Little Red, get away,

you can do it.

Kick him in the balls.

Get up, come on.

- That schmuck's really falling for it over there.

- He has a problem with his bowels,

I hope he doesn't get upset.

- If he shits I'm leaving.

- Come on wolf, fuck her.

- Come on wolf, fuck the shit outta her.

(woman gasps)

- This has gone far enough.

- Yay. (claps) - Ohhhhhh.

- He didn't come yet.

He was gonna come any minute.

- Hello, I'm Penny Holmes.

The doctor's out of town for the evening

and I'll be in charge of the therapy session tonight.

- [Man in striped shirt] Boo.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey wait a minute.

You're the cunt I talked to on the phone today aren't you?

- I beg your pardon?

- God Damnit, you promised me free ass

if I came down here.

- You must be the asshole that's

fucking his wife to death.

- Aw, who the fuck asked you?

- Fuck off.

- Hey, if we can all just settle down

I'm sure we can get started.

Lou, why don't you talk to the Smith brothers

while I console Pierre.

Pierre, would you like to come into the office?

This way.

- Hey, just a minute now.

You promised me free ass.

- Well why don't you talk to Miss Zombie,

I mean, Miss Zorby here.

- Shit, she doesn't even talk.

You better give God damn good head.

- Pierre, why don't you just have a seat right here.

Now, I know I can solve your problem.

So two useless dicks huh?

Hey uh, your brother has a hard on

I don't believe it, let me see it!

No you stay there until you get it up!

Hey can't get it up huh?

Come on over here and I'll let you see mine

That man is disgusting

At least he can get it up

Would you like me to go fuck him instead?

What exactly is your problem Pierre, I have had experience

I come too quick

The erection

You didn't say anything about me fucking ya

Well you're not, not with this soft dick

lost erection huh?

I can last two minutes

three minutes

That's what you call premature shooter

Ejaculation

Yes I go one minute, I stop

Yes I go one minute, I stop

This is the only way I can last longer

Control Pierre

C o n t r o l

No the doctor isn't in, he is in I. on business

but he should be back tomorrow

could I be of some assistance?

Yes, yes

I understand

Yes go on

I see

Then don't do it

If it is not satisfactory, then don't do it

Mrs. Shwartz

It's your duty to your husband

to see that he is happy in his marriage

Yes

Yes I am still here

I am still listening

Hold on, I'll get a pen

Hold on, be right with you

You poor man

What's happened to you?

I'm looking

Yes I'm looking

Hold on Pierre, not now I don't think I could ever explain this

to the phone company

I've got it

Ok now, what was the address again?

If our wives could see us now

They would see two stiff dicks, those dyke freaks would be trying to

eat out everything in sight.

Your wife was never like this

You fucked my wife?

She was my girlfriend before she was your wife

Did you say Riverside?

What?

Ok, I got it, goodbye

We should have never swapped and got married

Your wife gave great head

My wife gave you head?

You filthy bastard!

I said goodbye

Ok Pierre let it go

- Hello? John.

(instrumental music)

- Ah, sorry folks, I'm afraid you missed it.

- I told you to hurry.

- How was I to know?

- [Woman Standing] Don't leave, don't leave yet.

- A horny bitch isn't she?

- And she blames me.

We're late because she wanted a quickie

before we left the house.

- Lou, Lou hurry, we've gotta go home.

John called, Patty's at the house waiting.

- Who's Patty?

- My sister.

John phoned the house and she answered.

He's never met her before.

Come on.

- Look, I promised you decent cock tonight

and I'm gonna deliver.

- You can be so brutal.

- And you love it, bitch.

- Is he really that big?

(shoes clicking)

- [Penny] Patty.

Oh Patty, I'm so glad to

see you. - Penny.

- [Penny] What is it?

What is it?

Patty, something's wrong.

Is it your hemorrhoids?

- Penny this is my girlfriend, Glenda.

- How do you do Penny?

Patty's told me so much about you and John.

- [Penny] Patty, you're blind.

Oh.

- As they say, like a bat.

- Penny, don't make a spectacle of yourself.

Just relax please.

- When did it happen?

- Look, it's nothing to worry about.

The doctors have assured me that the condition

is just temporary.

And I'll regain my sight just as soon

as I get over, as soon as I get over...

- [Penny] Get over what?

- The shock, the sight of it.

- [Penny] Of what?

Patty, what did you see?

- She hates to talk about it.

It happened at the supermarket just last week.

A flasher, right in the fresh fruit section,

can you believe it?

A flasher.

Right in with the produce.

- Blinded by a flasher?

- It was so big.

- Men are disgusting.

- I was terrified.

- It was savage.

- Big as a salami.

- 14 inches.

- Where was the market?

- He was still soft.

- [Glenda] She's lucky, she went blind

before he had an erection or the condition

would've been permanent.

- Blinded by a flasher.

- I should've regained my sight by now

but doctors said the experience was just

so traumatic that I can't seem to be able

to face it.

Do you have a drink?

- Sure, sure Patty.

I'll fix you a drink.

- Thank you.

- 14 inches long.

That was no flasher that was a fucking horse.

- Look, I've got to help.

I've got to do something.

- Oh no, not again.

- It's my duty to my sister.

- What about your problem?

John's coming home tonight.

- (sighs) My sister is blind,

she'll be walking around bumping into things

for the rest of her life.

She'll need a cane.

- I know Penny, but if medical science can't do anything

what can we do?

(upbeat music)

- Got it.

I know it will work.

She'll see again.

(organ music)

- [Penny] Who's she?

- He said his wife ran off with the Frenchman

so he picked her up and brought her over here.

- Oh, okay.

- Penny, this really isn't necessary.

- I'm setting a certain mood.

I want to try a little experiment.

- Well, she can't see a fucking thing anyway.

- It's the atmosphere that counts.

I know what I'm doing I've had experience.

Now Patty, as painful as it might be for you

I want you to try to remember exactly how it happened.

Relive the experience.

- I don't like this idea.

- I saw it on TV one time.

This girl had been raped--

- Jesus, will you shut the fuck up.

This is serious.

- [Lou] I'm getting horny.

- My God, you're all sex crazed.

- [Patty] Shut up.

Now where was I?

Oh, okay.

- Tell us, tell us what happened Patty.

- Okay, I'll try.

I'll try if you all just keep quiet for a minute.

I'd gone to the store to get some prunes.

- [Lou] Very tacky.

- Anyway, I turned the corner and there he stood.

He was fingering the cantaloupes, one at a time,

just fingering them, each one.

He was wearing a raincoat, it was a London Fog I think.

He looked so sexy standing there

and then he rolled around...

And I just can't go on, it's just too painful.

- Oh go on, you must tell us.

You can.

- All right, his back was to me, he turned around,

and he ripped open his raincoat, and there it was.

A real meat shot.

It hung halfway to his knees.

And I'll never see it again.

I'll never be able to touch it, to see it rise.

- That's it.

You've got to feel one.

Then you'll get over the fear.

- Where are you going to find a 14 inch dick?

- What is going on here?

- Shh, we're helping Patty, she's gone blind.

- She fears the cock.

- Penny, I do not understand what's going on.

- [Lou] Oh my God, Glenda has a cock.

- [John] Penny, what the hell are you doing?

- Uh, John, just be quiet and watch.

- [Lou] This I gotta see

Hey no stop it

Hey no stop it, we are here to help Patty let her try

Come on Patty, Patty you've got to try

Faster, faster, I didn't know you people were so depraved

Such animal lust

It's no use, it will never work

Of course not, that thing is too small you need a donkey dick

A dildo?

John you will have to help

John?

John

You'll have to do this, it's our only chance,

she'll never see again

Patty, feel it

Oh my god

Oh my god

John!

John, you're getting hard!

Lou look!

Johns getting a hard on

Penny I've got to try it, it's my last chance

It's 20*20 or the cane!

John

You've got to try

Try Patty, try!

I can see!

I can see! It's a miracle

It's a miracle, it's a fucking miracle

Now it's my turn!

My eye sight hasn't been good either!

I'm so happy Patty

I'm so proud of you John

Our problems are solved

(people yelling)

Hard Soap Hard Soap was filmed before a dead audience in

Cucamonga California

(Vinegar Syndrome theme)