Original subtitles

‐ Previously on Future Man...

In Haven, everything feels like a dream.

‐ Wake up!

There's a fucking hole in the sky.

Memory works different here. It's fleeting.

I think I'm falling in love with Biggie Smalls.

Buddy Holly. Kurt Cobain.

Tupac Shakur. Natalie Wood.

I've been here for thousands of years.

‐ The owners exiled me,

tossed me through the big time door,

thrust randomly through space and time.

‐ I'm in an insane, crazy time loop!

‐ True balance is found within.

‐ We were on a mission. ‐ We were a team!

‐ We had a leader! ‐ It was you!

Oh! There was a third.

‐ Why does my foot feel weird? ‐

Oh, that feels weird. My foot feels weird.

‐ I know exactly who it is.

Okay, from the top.

And a one, a two,

a one, two, three, four.

Not‐‐not my tempo.

‐ Oh, Buddy. Really?

I‐‐I thought we were getting it pretty good.

I mean, okay. Let's do this.

Let's lay down one track and then let's go out

and continue our mission.

‐ Wh‐‐

wh‐‐what's the big, bold name

on that drum kit say?

‐ Bud‐‐Buddy‐‐ Buddy Holly?

‐ Okay, now‐‐now do me a favor and‐‐and read

the tiny, insignificant words underneath that big, bold name.

‐ And the‐‐And the Crickets. ‐ That's you.

Now, let's take it from the top again.

And a one, a two,

a one, two, three, four.

Why can't you keep a goddamn rhythm?

‐ Sorry, Buddy.

There's something wrong with my foot.

Whoa! Oh, well there's your problem.

You got‐‐you got a lady's toe where your big toe should be.

‐ How have I not noticed that before?

‐ That seals it. You're out of the band.

‐ Just for having a weird toe?

‐ No! You don't know how to drum!

‐ Well, okay, Buddy, hang on a second, okay?

You c‐‐don't just take away the man's livelihood.

‐ You're out, too. ‐ What, for defending him?

‐ No, you don't know how to play bass!

You just keep spinning it around

and batting at the strings and going‐‐

With your fucking mouth!

‐ Sounds good!

‐ Now that you taught me how to remember,

I'm gonna find myself the real Crickets!

Anne Frank and Roberto Clemente!

Shit.

Dang.

‐ This toe means something.

A blood bond long forgotten.

We shared more than just toes.

We shared a lifetime,

and that lifetime was not spent being tormented

by that awful man.

‐

Look, we‐‐we find who has your toe,

we find the missing member of our team.

‐ Well, that would mean checking every foot in Haven.

That's gonna take forever, and be a really weird ask.

‐ Well, lucky for you,

I've got a million‐dollar idea

that'll solve both those problems.

‐ ‐

‐ I know I'm not wearing a wet sarong,

but it feels like I am.

‐ There it is.

Now you get it, Abe.

Now you get it.

‐ This party even put a smile on Cobain's face.

I'm gonna go find that cat.

‐ Lincoln has crazy long toes. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Dude could palm a basketball with his feet.

- ‐ They're all his. - That's all right.

- ‐ We'll get him eventually. - ‐

‐ Look at this, Wolf. What am I always telling you?

You don't need an ocean to create an ocean vibe.

All you need is some warm sand, some hot friends,

and Keith Moon on the steel drums

spinning a tapestry of eternal cool.

That‐‐that is Baja Yaja.

Get back to work.

‐ Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

‐ Yes, sir. ‐ All right.

Hey, my eyes are up here, you creep.

That was a stroke of genius, boss,

but we came up empty.

‐ No.

There is another.

Stop, stop.

Yeah, that's your toe, all right.

‐ Oh. ‐ Come on.

‐ Excuse me.

I‐‐I think we have each other's toes.

‐ Sorry about him.

He's, uh, well, disappointing on a good day.

I'm Josh. That's Wolf.

You got a name?

‐ A name is just a label attaching significance

to something that can never be understood.

‐ Yeah. Yeah, totally.

All right, then.

Let me cut to the chase, ma'am.

We believe that the three of us were a team once upon a time.

And details are hazy,

but one thing we know for sure is,

he was the leader. I mean, look at him.

Confident, charismatic,

flirtatiously distant.

‐ And Wolf here was our whipping boy.

I don't know.

From the vibes I'm picking up,

you and me had a little will‐they‐won't‐they

kind of thing going on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

and you both confided in me about it

and as hard as I tried to turn it into a thruple,

I just couldn't because I didn't have it.

‐ No, sure didn't.

Any of this ringing a bell to you?

- ‐ We have no bond. - Oh, yeah?

Well, how do you figure that when my toe is literally bonded

to your foot?

‐ What did I tell you about wordplay?

‐ It's not my forte.

Toes are of no concern to me.

The body is just a vessel,

something I transcended long ago,

with a little help from my, uh‐‐my special friend.

‐ Okay.

Listen here, crazy goat lady.

Can I call you crazy goat lady?

‐ Sure. ‐ Yeah?

This is a very weird place, okay?

It does weird things to people, and it seems

to be affecting you more than almost anyone,

which is why the three of us are going to escape together.

‐ Escape? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ My life is here, inside a dewdrop,

dancing forever on the peppermint wind.

‐ We‐‐we totally get that. We get that, right?

‐ Totally.

That goat is a prince, and to break the curse,

she's gotta make a difficult choice

that goes against human nature.

‐ You're a fucking idiot!

Wait. Wait.

These.

These, these, these, these, these.

These are friendship cubes.

I have one, Wolf's got one,

and I guaran‐damn‐tee you got one, too.

I gave up earthly attachments 9,000 lifetimes ago.

Whoever you came here hoping to find no longer exists.

Now, I would wish you good luck on your journey,

but here's the thing about luck.

‐ It's merely‐‐ ‐ Okay.

Okay, we got it.

‐ Okay. ‐ Wolf, come on.

‐

‐ You blew it! You freaked her out.

You implied she wanted to fuck that goat.

‐ I just said what everyone was thinking.

‐ Oh, my God.

This is why I always say that sidekicks should seen

and not heard.

‐ Please, please don't give up on me.

‐ Oh, well then quit giving me reasons to!

We need to come up with a new plan,

because there is no getting through to that.

Yeah, you can't take the crazy

out of crazy goat lady.

‐

But if you took the goat out of the lady,

would the crazy go with it?

Okay, hear me out.

She is bonded with this goat,

but if we remove the goat from the equation,

she'll be so distraught,

she'll be forced to re‐bond with us,

her true team.

‐ I love it! ‐

Wh‐‐what's this for?

‐ It's for bludgeoning.

It's a bludgeoning stick.

‐ What?

‐ Didn't you just order me to kill the goat?

‐ No! ‐ Because it is a prince!

‐ No!

‐ Oh, you're gonna have to spoon‐feed me

the rest of this plan.

‐ Then open wide.

‐

Ah, yeah, no. It is‐‐it is true.

What they seek will never bring them true balance.

God, right again, goat. Right again.

Hmm.

Why would I keep this?

I mean, what‐‐what possible...

No. No, no, no, no, no.

It has no meaning.

It's just a‐‐it's a mistake,

an oversight, and just‐‐ I forgot to get rid of it.

So‐‐

Why don't you keep it?

There you go.

The only meaning is within.

Mm.

Huh, can't seem to‐‐can't seem to get comfortable here.

Okay, just gonna...

A‐hah. Of course.

Gotta have a clean runway for takeoff.

Yeah, you get it.

Okay.

Just have to center myself like I have for an eternity.

It's fine.

No, I'm not gonna panic.

I am not panicking 'cause I am fine.

I am just gonna‐‐it's all falling away.

It is all falling away. I am peace.

I am light. I am floating.

I am floating.

Why am I not floating?

What is wrong with me?

Goat? Goat?

‐ Hurry up! ‐ Yes, sir!

Forgive me, your Highness.

‐

Well, someone's got their game face on.

I have to warn you, when it comes to tetherball,

I take a‐‐

Where's my goat, string bean?

Goat?

I haven't seen a goat in seven score‐‐maybe eight.

- ‐ You fucking with me, stretch? - I'm being honest!

Ask around. They call me Honest Lincoln.

‐ The one they call Josh‐‐ where is he?

‐ I'm not one to divulge‐‐ow!

Not my Kangol! Please, it's my signature look.

I want answers, you spindly grink.

‐ The bro code demands‐‐

‐ ‐ Ah!

‐

My teeth! My fucking teeth!

‐ I‐‐how did I know how to do that?

Westerly winds.

Steady temperatures at 22 Celsius.

This area's exposed, vulnerable to sniper fire.

You're 6'4", 200 pounds.

You have a surprisingly weak center of gravity.

Your lazy eye makes it impossible

for you to defend yourself against peripheral attacks.

‐

I'm suddenly remembering a horse kicking me and‐‐

oh, no. And slavery.

‐ What? Who am I?

I know the direction and frequency

of each step.

Every foot, every hoof.

I was a tracker.

‐

Why did any of this happen to me?

Okay.

We've broken her only bond in this world.

- ‐ What now, boss? - ‐

I am glad that you asked, little buddy.

You see, she has no idea where we are right now,

so we are going to leave a carefully‐placed trail

of breadcrumbs leading her right‐‐

‐ Give me my fucking goat back.

‐ Stop! Hammer time

is what's gonna happen if you don't drop that knife.

‐ If you so much as harm one little hair

on her chinny chin chin,

I will slit the boy's throat.

‐ No! No.

Don't harm the boy!

He's all I have!

‐ I am not a boy, but he's right.

Please, please don't hurt me. Please!

Please don't cut my leg off! I'll be a good boy.

I can't take it!

What the f‐‐

Did I just die?

‐ You're not Future Man.

You're something much better.

You're Josh Futturman.

‐

Futturman.

‐

‐

‐

‐

Hey, Wolf.

Heads or tails?

‐ Tails.

‐ Wolf.

‐ I am Wolf.

‐ Friendship cubes.

‐ You kept it.

‐ We were‐‐we were a team.

A family.

Tiger.

‐ Why did we come here?

‐ I‐‐I was‐‐I wanted to go home

to see the people that I love.

‐ I was trying to avenge my fallen comrades.

‐ I wanted to relaunch a fast casual restaurant chain

with slightly better food

and local bands on the weekends.

That can't be it.

‐ Okay, look. None of that matters right now.

We‐‐we have got to figure out

how to get the hell out of this place.

So the one thing that I am absolutely certain about

is that we were sent here to Haven

by the infamous terrorist and mastermind of 9/11,

Saddam Hussein,

and he told me that they threw him out of a big time door.

So if we find this big time door,

we find our way out of Haven.

Uh, Tiger?

Serious about that Mexico thing?

It's called Cabo Wabo,

and I've never been more serious about anything

in my entire life!

This is it. It's gonna fix everything.

‐ You're not looking for a big time door.

You're looking for Big Time's door.

‐ Big time? What's th‐‐what's that?

‐ It's not a that. It's a he.

The student from Iowa State in the red hoodie.

He's how we got here.

He knows the way out.

‐ Red hoodie! Oh!

Uh, red hoodie!

Red hoodie!

The dude with 40,000 hands.

Oh, I so called that!

I knew that guy would come into play!

‐ He's at the tetherball court right now.

He's always there. Come on, let's move!

Let's go!

You coming?

‐ Josh gave the order. You gotta comply.

‐ I‐‐I'm not going.

‐ Wh‐‐what do you mean?

You literally just said that we're a team.

‐ Were.

I can't leave this place.

Haven is home now.

I have found something here that I never thought possible:

a me that makes sense,

one that hasn't been shaped by cruel circumstances.

To keep that,

I have to let go of all my attachments.

I have two left, so I need you to leave.

‐ I know you.

You would never give up on your team.

I don't see how this is any different.

‐ It's not different.

I'm different.

Tell me something.

Was I really the leader?

‐ You are now.

After all we put you through,

I'm‐‐I'm glad to see you on top.

Just, um, try to do it better than I did.

‐ Come on.

Hey.

Escape is futile.

‐ Whoa, whoa.

Wha‐‐no, who said‐‐who said anything about an escape, man?

We're just‐‐we're just‐‐ we're just here to talk,

Big Time.

There is no Big Time.

I am Big Times.

Whoa, what the f‐‐

how many yous you got pancaked in there?

‐ Every trip through the portal to Haven

drags with them a version of the one they call Big Time.

We are a democratic cooperative of like‐minded consciousnesses

peacefully sharing the hoodie of Tim Kilvitis.

‐ Yeah, uh, okay.

Then, uh, Big Times,

I am one Josh, and this is one Wolf.

‐ Escape is futile.

Yeah, I really don't know why you keep bringing that up.

Because you want to leave this place

Big Times created.

This Haven.

‐ Wait, you‐‐you made Haven?

Original Tim ripped the hole in space‐time.

The rip makes time travel possible.

With each jump, the rip expands,

sucking in time and space.

Old sky hole. See?

I knew it.

So you see,

escape is futile.

‐ Yeah, but why? Other‐‐others have done it.

Back then, the universe

was not about to end.

All right, goat.

Time to continue our journey forever inward.

Yeah. What?

Oh, come on. Don't be coy.

Out with it.

Oh, silent treatment. Okay.

Yeah, you know, sometimes I regret giving you

all the power in our relationship.

What? Leave?

And lo‐‐and lose everything that I've found here?

I told you about the beatdown

I laid on that bearded coat rack.

That's who I was.

That's who I'll become again out there.

No.

I've worked too hard.

I can't risk it.

‐ Okay, listen. We get it, all right?

The world is ending, and you're prepared to watch

the dying light of the universe

from your little tetherball court.

However, we will take our chances out there

with the living.

Perhaps we have not made this clear.

Escape is futile.

‐ Okay, that is enough out of you, Dr. Manhattan!

I don't know.

He's told us escape is futile so many times,

I'm thinking escape might be futile.

‐ No, there has to be a door because 9‐11 mastermind

Saddam Hussein was tossed out of it!

Whoa.

‐ Big Time‐‐ ‐ Knows magic.

‐ Wh‐‐no.

No, he is the door.

‐ Oh.

‐ Big Time, door.

‐ I'm scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared.

Maybe you would be fine out in the real world,

but I'm not. I don't have your strength.

I don't‐‐everything I've become is because of this place.

Okay, don't be cute.

Be‐‐because. Because of this place.

This place.

This place! This‐‐this place!

This‐‐this...

This place.

Oh, shit.

I taught myself everything.

It was‐‐it was within me the whole time.

I'm the guru.

Which means...

You're‐‐you're just a fucking goat.

I've been talking to you for, like, 10,000 years

like an asshole.

Okay.

Well, my face is red. My face is red.

I am never gonna live this down.

Don't‐‐do not tell anyone‐‐ I'm doing it again,

and I'm doing it again because you are just‐‐

you're just a goat.

And you're the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

The bunny goes over the tree.

‐ And you're sure this knot will hold us together

as we're sucked into a vortex of all space and time?

‐ Uh, yeah.

It's a clove hitch with a safety.

Saddam Hussein taught that to me

when he was a voice inside my head.

‐ Yeah, I know.

If we're gonna be randomly tossed into a time storm,

should we use something that maybe doesn't fall apart

after five or six tetherball games?

‐ It's a clove hitch! It will hold!

Your job isn't‐‐

You know what?

I am sorry.

Just because I'm better than you at literally everything

doesn't mean that I have to constantly remind you.

You're trying your best,

and you have made minor contributions.

‐

I've waited so long to hear you say that.

I try every day.

‐ I know you do, and truthfully,

people as weak as you‐‐ well, they need protection,

not scorn.

‐

There has been quite a bit of scorn lately.

‐ Well, listen.

All of that‐‐ it ends now, okay?

And to prove to you how much I value you,

I'm gonna let you go into the freaky time hole first.

Yeah? Test it out.

Anything starts melting, you let me know.

Okay?

‐

Thank you, sir.

It's been an honor.

‐ Oh, I know.

All right, let's do this.

‐ ‐

‐ Oh, feels like we're gonna be going pretty fast.

‐

‐ Escape is futile. ‐ Yeah, yeah.

Shut the fuck up, Stargate.

‐ Escape is futile, goat.

Yeah, you get it.