Original subtitles

‐ Previously on Future Man...

‐ Another escape on your watch, Saint Jackalope?

Sooner or later, we will get them

and when we do, you'll be out of a job

and a family.

‐ Albino bear of legend. ‐ Whitey is a myth.

No. I will kill Whitey.

‐ We've gathered here to sign

this peace and trade agreement.

Turns out she was a dame.

And so am I.

‐ I think we're looking at temporal decay.

Time overlapping,

future and past existing simultaneously.

‐ This version of you tried to stop bin Laden before 9/11.

He ended up giving him a time machine,

and now time traveling bin Laden is on you.

‐ God? ‐ No, my friend.

‐ Osama bin Laden?

‐ Guilty as charged.

‐ No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

‐ Are you not happy to see me?

‐ Fuck no!

You're Osama fucking bin Laden!

‐ Yes, you know me? I'm the voice in your head.

Here, let me help you. ‐ No, don't touch me!

Don't touch me!

‐ Oh, I see what's happening here.

You're confusing the nice me

with the naughty me from your timeline.

‐ Naughty? ‐ But I'm not that guy.

Another you saved me from becoming him!

‐ So I'm like reverse SEAL Team Six now.

‐ A Josh came to me at university.

He called himself J1, but you know him by a different name.

The Josh with the nut for the face.

‐ Nut‐face. ‐ He told me about,

you know, the thing with the planes,

and that I could choose a different path.

So I did. I don't even believe in God.

‐ You‐‐you lied to me.

You told me I had a divine purpose.

‐ I said purpose, you filled in the divine, bro.

‐ But you‐‐you told me that you were God.

Didn't you? ‐ Nope.

I never lied to you.

I told you I was a friend, and I was here to help you.

All the God stuff, that's on you, my friend.

‐ No, we are not friends!

‐ Of course we are!

I'd like to think we've developed

a nice little rapport in a short while.

Besides, me and the other Josh were the very best of friends.

‐ Uh‐uh, that is impossible!

‐ Is it?

During our time together, he told me many things.

Things one would only tell their B...

‐ No. ‐ F...

‐ No, don't say‐‐ ‐ F!

You were nine years old.

Your second grade class went on a field trip

to Mission San Juan Capistrano.

You snuck an extra churro at snack time,

and then two more.

And they didn't sit well, did they?

‐ Stop it, stop it, stop it! ‐ Hmm?

You dookied your pants

halfway through that afternoon's tour

of the bell tower,

and then you stripped off your soiled underwears

in the bathroom, snuck out behind the mission,

and buried the evidence in a soldier's grave.

‐ No, no, I never‐‐ I never...

‐ Tell the truth. ‐ That didn't‐‐

‐ You'll feel better.

‐ It was a cemetery!

You're supposed to bury things in cemeteries!

‐ And you never told anyone.

Only me.

Your best...

‐ Friend. ‐ Forever!

‐

You were supposed to be God.

You were supposed to take me home!

‐ The home I promised you is real, Josh!

I can still take you there.

‐ You're a liar. ‐ I never lied to you.

I never will.

There's a place where the nut‐faced Josh and I

spent a great deal of time.

A refuge off‐the‐grid,

beyond the reach of the Time Constables.

It's a place where you told me

you felt most at home in the world,

where you felt safe.

No running, no hiding.

That's the home I was talking about.

‐ Keep talking.

‐ It's called Haven.

‐ Any idea how much wampum

that shoddy pelt presentation cost us?

Just at casual glance, I see burrs, blood from its entrails.

I mean, would it have killed you to zhoozh up its fur a bit?

‐ Mmm, false outrage. Classic tell.

You're just upset I interrupted your little world summit.

‐ Summit?

More like a child's birthday party.

‐ Right, right, right.

Well, you printed it in 40 languages.

‐ We never got that front right.

Wait.

You hear that?

‐ Yeah.

Nothing.

‐

‐ Time Cops did this.

‐ We don't know that.

‐ We do now.

‐ Shit! Run!

‐ Fine, fine, I admit it.

I chaired an international trade conference.

Watching helpless people suffer in their tiny lives

when the answers are so obvious is excruciating.

So yeah, yeah, I'm guilty.

Guilty of feeling a moral obligation

to help the people around me.

‐ What was the typeface you wanted for that pamphlet?

‐ Copperplate Gothic. It's classic, timeless.

‐ Name one person at the summit.

‐ I wanna say, uh...

Chief, uh...

something‐something.

‐ Okay.

Futturman! It's go time!

Fuck.

Pus residue. Half‐crust.

Maybe twelve hours old.

No, no, it's ten, and he left in a hurry.

‐ With the TTD.

‐ Son of a... okay, why would he do that?

‐ Probably to get attention.

I don't wanna point fingers,

but you haven't been around much.

‐ Oh, so you abandoned him, just left him for dead?

‐ He's so annoying. ‐ You don't have to tell me.

Why do you think I'm out there covered in bear shit every day?

They breached the maple grove. Let's move.

‐ Lose 'em in the riverbed?

‐ No, no, there's no losing them.

They're in my woods now.

Let's hunt.

‐ You might catch a hint of lavender.

My own mix, hand‐foraged.

‐ It might be better with‐‐ ‐ A little honey?

I told you, I know you.

And now, at last, we can leave this foul time behind together.

It's just a matter of entering these coordinates

into your neural tesseract.

If I could just... ‐ No, no, no, no.

I think I'll be holding onto the TTD,

Time Traveling bin Laden.

‐ Okay, just trying to help. Teamwork.

‐ It's all right. I got this.

They're in.

‐ So now press the button and take us to Haven.

‐ Okay, you know what? Slow your roll.

All right, if we do this, and I'm only saying if,

you and me, we are back to square one.

You understand?

We are not BFFs, we are barely even Fs.

‐ I'm‐‐I'm fine taking it slow.

See where it goes.

You make the first move, just know the answer is always yes.

‐ And where we're going is a real utopia,

off‐the‐grid of space and time

where the weather's always perfect,

and you want for nothing?

‐ Don't forget the women, Josh.

Or‐‐or men. Your choice.

Bet you didn't expect Osama bin Laden

to be cool with that, huh?

‐ Yeah.

You are full of surprises, OBL.

‐

Well, well, well.

Isn't this cozy?

‐ You know, I just got these woods set up perfectly,

my own personal forest of stabby‐trees,

and now we gotta leave because of you

and your out‐of‐control ego.

You know, time travel's really changed you.

‐ Me? Look at you.

Salivating over your next kill like a dingo at a daycare.

‐ Yeah!

Well, I guess if a tree falls in the forest,

it does make a sound.

Splat!

Oh, great.

‐

‐ Don't you just love the sound of spike impaling body?

Hmm.

Oh, that's what I call sticking the landing.

You know what I mean?

‐ I barely recognize you.

You used to be, well, not nice,

but you had interesting facets.

‐ I still have facets. ‐ Murder doesn't count.

‐ Well, I like trapping‐‐

‐ Trapping and hunting are just

more palatable words for murder.

‐ Hey, fuck‐nose.

‐ You had purpose, you had drive.

You were an avenging angel fighting for a cause.

‐ Yeah? And what good did that do?

Get a bunch of people killed?

Soldiers under my command, check.

Untold billions, check.

I tried, I failed.

‐ So what?

Now you're just a junkie looking for their next fix?

‐ I made it rain blood.

Ohh.

Okay, are you ready to divide and conquer?

I'll take those three down to the River Styx.

Those are my sharpest sticks, by the river.

‐ Fine, fine. I'll kill the big guy.

‐ Okay. Hey, hey, hey!

Meet back here when everyone's dead.

All right, go, go, go!

‐ Your stride says all business,

but that skirt says you like to party.

Nevertheless, I'm gonna take you down, Gigantor.

Oops.

That's step one.

That's step two.

Oh, emotionless cyborg.

No matter.

You are not gonna like step three, my friend.

What the fuck?

Okay.

Gut punch!

Ow.

I said gut punch!

Gut punch?

Oh, no!

Tree slam.

‐ She's in the trees!

Run! ‐ Where is she?

‐ I can't see her! ‐ She blinded me!

‐ My God, she's everywhere!

‐ My insides are out!

‐ Is she even human?

‐ Susan. All right.

‐ The second I saw you mumbling to yourself in that goo,

I knew you must be getting help from the one dickhead

who escaped The DieCathlon before.

Time traveling Osama bin Laden.

‐ Guilty as charged.

‐ I am not going back to that elevator.

‐ I'm not here to take you back there.

I'm here because we can help each other.

‐ There is nothing that you could possibly offer me

that I could possibly be interest‐‐

medi‐goo! You brought me medi‐goo!

Oh, oh, God!

Oh, God.

Get in there.

Oh! Oh, oh!

‐ You like that goo? It's good, huh?

‐

I haven't brushed my teeth in like six months, okay?

‐ Drop the mug, Osama.

Drop it!

‐ Don't trust him, Josh. He lied to you.

Remember, I never lied to you.

‐ That's true.

You tricked me so many times. Why would I trust you now?

‐ Because...

I'm risking everything to be here.

If the dickwads at the network knew I was here,

I'd be deader than the version of him that perpetrated 9/11,

and then was killed ten years later.

That's a long time.

‐ Again, it's not me. Different guy.

He sounds like a real piece of shit.

‐ Okay, okay. So‐so what do you want from me?

‐

Same thing he does. Haven.

And you're gonna help me destroy it.

‐

- Yeah, okay.

‐ Oh, shit.

I see you for jammed up with step two there.

Is that ice cream?

Ugh, pistachio. The worst.

‐ He's a machine.

And not the way I call Stallone a machine.

An actual machine.

‐ All right, come here. Come on.

‐

‐ Okay.

Shit, is that an orbital fracture?

God, I gotta meet this guy.

‐ Hey, you were right.

I don't care about helping people.

I just wanna see my name in lights.

Thought it'd be neat to have my own flag.

Here's a mockup. ‐ Oh, okay.

Right here.

Oh, yeah.

I like the use of our resistance colors.

‐ Yeah, never forget my roots. ‐ Hmm.

‐ You were right too.

I'm a natural born killer.

It's just it's what I'm great at.

It's what I love to do.

I think it might be the purest expression of, uh...

Me.

‐ What have we become?

‐ The best versions of ourselves?

‐ Totally.

The pressure of all our time travel escapades

has turned two lumps of sewer coal

into a couple big‐ass princess cut diamonds.

‐ So why we beefing?

Josh.

‐ I mean, day one, we knew we had the wrong guy.

‐ How much training does one guy need?

Just handle yourself in a fight already.

‐ I think he genuinely doesn't like hurting people.

‐ I can't work with that. ‐ I know, I know.

In Josh's case, three's not a crowd,

it's a cancer.

‐ Mm‐hmm. So we agree.

We find him, give him one last courtesy jump.

‐ Yeah, but only one. ‐ Of course, of course.

And then we ditch him somewhere.

‐ There's a backdoor at Cedars

with a "no questions asked" policy.

My friendship with Charlie Sheen pays off again.

‐ And then we go and, uh...

live our best lives.

‐ That's a great plan.

It's gonna kill Josh. ‐ Well, you know what?

At some point, baby bird's gotta leave the nest.

‐ And no matter how much resistance he puts up,

we have to stay strong.

‐ Yup. ‐

Let's move.

That thing's coming back any minute,

and we don't wanna be here when he does.

Look, Josh,

you're not stupid.

I'm always telling people that.

I always say, "His actions might be stupid,

but his heart is smart."

So here's what I ask you.

Did you ever think that maybe for like a millisecond

that you were being misled or manipulated

by Osama bin Laden?

‐ I mean, to be completely honest,

up until about 20 minutes ago,

I thought I was talking with God the whole time.

‐ Uh...

I don't know where he got that idea.

‐ I may have, like, projected a bit of that,

but I didn't know.

‐ Anyway, now that you know he's not God,

and is, in fact, Osama bin Laden,

does that reframe any of this?

Make you have a few questions

maybe that you didn't have before?

- ‐ Yeah. - Yeah.

‐ How the fuck were you talking to me?

‐ How is not important.

Why is really... ‐ No, no, no, no, no.

I think that I really wanna focus on the how.

‐ He blasted the door!

‐ No, no. ‐ Oh, you do did!

‐ No, I was just‐‐ ‐ He so did.

‐ Joshua, my friend. ‐ I'm going in there.

I'm going in that room.

The fuck?

Is that an ear?

‐ It looks worse than it is.

‐ Did you cut off some random person's ear

to put a voice in my head across time and space?

‐ Okay.

It looks better than it is.

‐ Is that my ear?

‐ Oh, this is where being able to lie to you

would come in real handy.

‐ Look, all gone. Problem solved.

Trust restored.

‐ No, you cut off your best friend's ear.

‐ Oh, so it's okay when you say it.

‐ How did you even do all this?

‐ It's a DNA‐based, cross‐temporal

aural transmitter.

You travel through time, you pick a few things up.

I also use lichen to make my own deodorant.

‐ Why did you do this?

‐ Me and you?

We went on many excellent

time traveling adventures together.

Searching for Hav‐‐

searching for Haven.

Then I got caught.

After I escaped The DieCathlon,

I discovered the location and left you a map to paradise.

It was perfect.

All that was missing was you.

And then you arrived!

But you weren't alone.

You brought others with you.

They‐they weren't like the rest of us.

They didn't share our values.

Maybe they didn't have any values at all.

You let infidels invade our holy land!

‐ There he is. There he is.

I tried to make you understand, but you refused to listen.

So naturally, I sliced off your ear.

‐ Naturally?

‐ I said, "Now I have your ear!"

He didn't laugh either.

He lunged for my jugular, I lunged for his.

We fell down in a heap, rolled down a hill.

By the time we got to the bottom,

he was dead, strangled.

My best friend died in my arms.

‐ Because they were around his neck.

‐ The others exiled me,

tossed me through the big time door,

thrust randomly through space and time

with no control of where or when I landed.

That put me here with nothing but your ear and a dream,

to one day get back to Haven.

So what do you say, Josh?

You and me, together.

A do‐over.

‐ No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what?

You fool me once, shame on‐‐ shame on you!

You‐‐you fool me‐‐ you can't get fooled again!

Get out! Go, go!

‐ Uh, Josh. This isn't you. ‐ Go, go!

‐ Oh shit, here we go!

‐

‐ You would never shoot me. I'm your friend.

‐ Oh, really?

Bin Laden, more like been lying!

‐ Oh!

‐ First of all, great burn. Been lying.

‐ Second of all, yes, finally! Fuck you, bin Laden!

That was crazy. What a shot.

‐ Oh, tried to fire off a warning shot?

‐ I‐‐I was aiming in the corner.

‐ Right, right, right. Yeah.

Hit the axe, picked up speed when it hit the kettle.

‐ Well, I'll be.

When folks hear you're the man who took out Wild Sam Bladden,

you'll never have to pay for a drink again.

‐ Whole gang's here, I see.

‐ Oh, guess your little summit

brought all the big boys to town.

‐ Summit? No.

You were found out through this.

‐ "The inspirational tall tale

of the bearded‐lady who traps like a man."

‐ It's a proto‐feminist classic.

‐ Okay, so I'm keeping this. This is great.

Wolf, go ahead and kill him before we gets more Time Cops.

‐ I'm not with the Time Cops.

I'm here for another reason‐‐

to grant you your freedom.

I'm talking full amnesty.

‐ Don't need it. We're already free.

‐ You guys can't keep this up forever.

You already encountered The Killing Machine.

It's goo. ‐ Oh.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Oh!

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Oh, that's good goo.

‐ Sure as hell is.

And by the way, FYI, The Killing Machine?

He can't be stopped,

but you deliver me Haven,

I'll deliver you to the timeline of your choice,

records wiped clean.

‐ So we're supposed to just hand over paradise to you.

‐ Paradise? Oh, I get it.

Osama bin Laden promised you paradise.

Pretty on‐brand.

It's kind of his whole shtick, dude!

Holy shit.

No, Haven is not paradise. Haven's an awful place.

It's a hideout for the worst criminals

time has ever known.

That's how you three can gain access.

The Network will give us anything if we bring them in.

‐ All right, why should we trust you?

‐ 'Cause I'm risking everything too.

No one knows I'm here.

This isn't about a TV show or ratings.

This is about protecting my family.

Something maybe you can relate to.

Haven does not exist in time or space.

Believe me,

we spent a shitload of time looking for it.

The only way to put it on a map is from inside,

and that's exactly what these geolocation devices will do.

Take them.

‐ Okay.

So if we do this, and I'm only saying if...

Can you do a full memory wipe thing on me?

So I can forget everything that's happened to me

since I left home?

I'm talking Eternal Sunshine here.

‐ Yeah, Spotless Mind. We can do that.

All you have to do is get to Haven,

activate those devices.

That will send me a beacon,

I'll show up and do the rest.

All right, I have to go.

My daughter is performing opposite of Robo‐Pavarotti

in Rigoletto.

Good luck.

‐ You just wanna erase us from your entire life?

‐ No, that's not what he's saying.

That's not what you're saying.

‐ That's exactly what I'm saying.

‐ ‐ I wanna go back to the moment

before I met you two and‐‐and completely forget

that any of this ever happened.

‐ Wait, wait, so you're breaking up with us?

‐ I'm gonna‐‐I'm gonna make a note on my hand that says,

"Josh, do not beat Bionic Wars.

It will ruin your life."

‐ We didn't ruin your life. We love you.

‐ We don't ever wanna be apart.

‐ What?

What are you guys talking about?

This is not working. We are not getting along.

‐ Since when? Oh, I'm reeling.

‐ This is coming out of nowhere.

I thought we were happy. ‐ Happy?

You‐‐you guys treat me like shit all the time.

This morning, I tried killing myself.

And that was actually before I found out that God

was Osama bin Laden.

‐ Okay, I don't know what you want from us, Josh.

We come from the sewer.

We love you the way we know how.

‐ By protecting you. ‐ Killing for you.

‐ And yes, occasionally lightly ribbing.

‐ Always with love. ‐ So much love.

‐ Well, I reject your terrible love.

‐ Okay.

I know how to fix this.

‐

‐ Okay, please stop! God!

Those are fucking terrible hugs.

‐ Well...

‐ You guys, I'm sorry, but everything‐‐

everything that has happened in my life

since you came into it has been bad.

Okay, I'm not a hero.

My life is not special. If you really loved me‐‐

‐ We do.

‐ We will never make fun of you again.

‐ Then you will help me narc out the time‐rogues in Haven

so I can go home

and spend the rest of my life with my parents.

‐ I....

okay.

That is a very normal thing for an adult male to say.

‐ So what do you guys say?

One last jump for old time's sake?

‐ Is this Haven?

‐ No.

It's Iowa.

‐ State University.

Oh, fucking bin Laden.