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00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:09,457
Coming up on this season
of The DieCathlon...
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00:00:09,458 --> 00:00:11,796
Brought to you by Ultramax,
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00:00:11,797 --> 00:00:15,344
the bulk-free blood diaper
you never have to remove.
4
00:00:15,345 --> 00:00:18,183
She's a stone-cold killer
who buries her emotions,
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00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:21,147
while keeping the body count sky high.
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00:00:21,148 --> 00:00:23,611
Forged in the damp fire of hell's sewer,
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00:00:23,612 --> 00:00:26,366
she survived, only to have the very nature
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00:00:26,367 --> 00:00:28,245
of her own existence questioned
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00:00:28,246 --> 00:00:31,919
over and over and over again.
10
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,134
But this tiger burns bright
with survival instinct
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00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,929
and a little help from her friends.
12
00:00:36,930 --> 00:00:39,142
Metal spoke sharpener!
13
00:00:39,143 --> 00:00:41,522
He's a demolitions expert-cum-fashion icon-
14
00:00:41,523 --> 00:00:43,442
cum-celebrity chef-cum-politician,
15
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,195
prince, poet, and thief.
16
00:00:45,196 --> 00:00:47,534
He doesn't just survive, he thrives,
17
00:00:47,535 --> 00:00:49,037
with little time for remorse,
18
00:00:49,038 --> 00:00:50,624
and even less time for the losers
19
00:00:50,625 --> 00:00:52,251
who simply don't get it,
20
00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:54,882
which is everyone not named him.
21
00:00:54,883 --> 00:00:58,639
This wolf is at your door blowing
your mind and your house down,
22
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,935
and you're somehow thanking him for it.
23
00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,524
He was masturbating one
night and was mistaken
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00:01:03,525 --> 00:01:06,071
for someone he wasn't: a hero.
25
00:01:06,072 --> 00:01:08,492
But that didn't stop him
from becoming one...
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00:01:08,493 --> 00:01:10,204
or so he thought!
27
00:01:10,205 --> 00:01:12,751
Visited by two super
soldiers from the future
28
00:01:12,752 --> 00:01:16,132
and dragged along for the
time-traveling joyride of a lifetime,
29
00:01:16,133 --> 00:01:19,598
he should be dead, an
footnote in a mistake file
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00:01:19,599 --> 00:01:22,688
labeled, "Are you fucking kidding me?
This asshole?"
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00:01:22,689 --> 00:01:25,652
Yet, somehow, Josh is still kicking.
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00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:27,446
Yeah, you heard right.
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00:01:27,447 --> 00:01:30,285
Where he comes from, Josh is a man's name.
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00:01:30,286 --> 00:01:32,749
Now, these three renegades have
been appropriated by the network,
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convicted of time crimes,
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and sentenced to death by entertainment.
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00:01:37,008 --> 00:01:38,845
They're gonna be running for their lives,
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hunted by creatures both
real and mythological,
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00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:46,359
tested in ways the human body and mind
simply wasn't designed to endure,
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00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,656
but this trio's got something special,
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00:01:48,657 --> 00:01:51,077
and with a little luck, you're
gonna see it splattered
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00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,290
all over your Opti-Scope.
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00:01:53,291 --> 00:01:55,085
I am Susan Saint Jackalope,
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00:01:55,086 --> 00:01:57,925
and this is the centennial season of...
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The DieCathlon!
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00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:06,692
I've gotta say, I've got
a really good feeling
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00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:08,988
about this upcoming season.
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00:02:08,989 --> 00:02:11,242
Really, I think there's something
special about these three.
49
00:02:11,243 --> 00:02:14,958
Well, hon, you've been
unlucky the last few cycles.
50
00:02:14,959 --> 00:02:16,461
You were due some quality contestants.
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I know, and the network,
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00:02:18,257 --> 00:02:20,427
as soon as they feel like
maybe things aren't working
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00:02:20,428 --> 00:02:21,847
as well as they used to,
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00:02:21,848 --> 00:02:23,559
they get panicked and they get ruthless.
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00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,145
Think of everything
that you've been through.
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00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:27,943
The ratings slide, the coup d'�tat,
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00:02:27,944 --> 00:02:29,696
the mass prisoner suicides.
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00:02:29,697 --> 00:02:32,243
Oh, and that Galaxus 9 core meltdown,
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00:02:32,244 --> 00:02:36,459
and somehow, somehow,
you're still standing.
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00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:37,797
It's because you're strong.
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00:02:39,216 --> 00:02:40,384
I don't deserve you.
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00:02:40,385 --> 00:02:43,057
Oh, of course you do.
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00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:01,302
All you have to do is turn me on.
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00:03:04,474 --> 00:03:07,523
Ooh, 97% charged, I see.
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00:03:15,038 --> 00:03:16,497
Yeah.
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00:03:16,498 --> 00:03:17,834
Oh, saucy.
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- Get ready.
- Okay.
68
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I'm ready.
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00:03:25,851 --> 00:03:28,939
You know, if they cancel the show,
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things will change around here.
71
00:03:30,527 --> 00:03:32,029
We don't have to talk
about that right now.
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00:03:32,030 --> 00:03:33,866
The network will take
me and Stanley away.
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00:03:33,867 --> 00:03:35,745
Our hard drives will be wiped.
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00:03:35,746 --> 00:03:37,498
We'll be allocated to a new executive,
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00:03:37,499 --> 00:03:39,795
one more worthy of the G7300 class.
76
00:03:39,796 --> 00:03:41,339
That's not gonna happen.
77
00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:43,385
Well, how do you know,
you stupid piece of shit?
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00:03:43,386 --> 00:03:45,472
You took the planet's most popular show
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00:03:45,473 --> 00:03:48,311
and you made it boring and predictable,
80
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:51,944
just like the sex we're about to have.
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00:03:51,945 --> 00:03:53,279
What are you doing right now?
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00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,117
Now, bend over, so I can do to you
83
00:03:55,118 --> 00:03:56,912
what you've been doing to your sponsors.
84
00:03:56,913 --> 00:03:59,751
I am gonna get something
big and hard and cold.
85
00:03:59,752 --> 00:04:03,134
I am gonna hit you until
your ass is so red that...
86
00:04:04,386 --> 00:04:06,598
Oh, God, hold me. I'm so scared.
87
00:04:06,599 --> 00:04:07,976
Oh, it's scary, but I'll hold you.
88
00:04:07,977 --> 00:04:10,899
Oh, God.
89
00:04:16,368 --> 00:04:17,746
Oh, no.
90
00:04:17,747 --> 00:04:19,583
I forgot to put her into sleep mode.
91
00:04:19,584 --> 00:04:21,419
Hi, honey.
92
00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:23,674
That's how babies used to be made.
93
00:04:23,675 --> 00:04:26,013
Time to dream of electric sleep, Stanley.
94
00:04:36,325 --> 00:04:37,995
Sweet dreams, Stanley.
95
00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:42,128
All right.
96
00:04:44,424 --> 00:04:46,178
- Where were we?
- � Y'all ready for this? �
97
00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:56,782
Sweet tune.
98
00:04:56,783 --> 00:04:58,702
I knew this would stand the test of time.
99
00:04:58,703 --> 00:05:01,750
- You thinking Pelican's Folly?
- No, it's too risky.
100
00:05:01,751 --> 00:05:05,758
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out before
we could hide enough rocks in our mouths.
101
00:05:05,759 --> 00:05:07,595
- Hyena's Whisper.
- Yes.
102
00:05:07,596 --> 00:05:09,641
Especially in an arena this size.
103
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,520
They'll never see it coming,
104
00:05:11,521 --> 00:05:13,983
and it might buy us just
enough time to pull a classic.
105
00:05:13,984 --> 00:05:15,653
Lobster's Bluff.
106
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,034
What the fuck are you guys talking about?
107
00:05:19,035 --> 00:05:20,913
We are about to die out there!
108
00:05:20,914 --> 00:05:23,084
Do you know how many times
we've turned a death sentence
109
00:05:23,085 --> 00:05:24,754
into a life paragraph?
110
00:05:24,755 --> 00:05:26,257
This isn't anything
we haven't seen before.
111
00:05:26,258 --> 00:05:28,136
You know what?
112
00:05:28,137 --> 00:05:30,725
Maybe we deserve this.
113
00:05:30,726 --> 00:05:33,772
Maybe this is justice. I mean,
we fucked up the universe.
114
00:05:33,773 --> 00:05:36,612
I mean, the whole universe.
115
00:05:36,613 --> 00:05:39,325
That's what you get when
you think you're a savior.
116
00:05:39,326 --> 00:05:41,454
I thought I was special,
and because of that,
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00:05:41,455 --> 00:05:43,584
we cause the death of millions of people.
118
00:05:43,585 --> 00:05:45,671
Mm, wasn't it billions?
119
00:05:45,672 --> 00:05:47,424
Right, billions.
120
00:05:47,425 --> 00:05:49,261
Thank you, Tiger.
121
00:05:49,262 --> 00:05:51,558
And this is payback.
122
00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:53,186
I don't know why you guys are fighting it.
123
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,731
Because we fight.
124
00:05:54,732 --> 00:05:56,693
And, yes, we probably are
gonna die out there,
125
00:05:56,694 --> 00:05:58,279
but what do you want us to do, give up?
126
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,701
That'd be the worst episode ever.
127
00:06:00,702 --> 00:06:02,997
Yeah, Wolf's right, if we die, we die.
128
00:06:02,998 --> 00:06:05,670
I mean, this isn't about saving the
world anymore. There's no mission.
129
00:06:05,671 --> 00:06:07,256
This is about survival,
130
00:06:07,257 --> 00:06:09,260
something we are pretty damn good at.
131
00:06:09,261 --> 00:06:13,101
Yeah, and we've already passed
the ultimate test as a team.
132
00:06:13,102 --> 00:06:14,854
We could have offed each other back there.
133
00:06:14,855 --> 00:06:17,401
But as tempting as that was, we didn't,
134
00:06:17,402 --> 00:06:19,864
and now those pencil-neck future fucks
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00:06:19,865 --> 00:06:21,660
are never gonna know what hit them.
136
00:06:21,661 --> 00:06:24,039
Plus, with Lobster's Bluff,
137
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,712
we just might have a pincher's chance.
138
00:06:26,713 --> 00:06:28,382
- That was clever.
- Thank you.
139
00:06:31,388 --> 00:06:33,642
All right.
140
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,815
If our last stand's gonna
be in the Death Arena,
141
00:06:36,816 --> 00:06:38,777
let's give them a hell of a show.
142
00:06:38,778 --> 00:06:40,948
- Who's ready for...
- First blood!
143
00:06:40,949 --> 00:06:42,869
First blood! First blood!
144
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:46,375
Here they are, ready to die!
145
00:06:46,376 --> 00:06:48,673
We got this.
146
00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:08,461
The true measure of bravery
147
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:10,340
isn't the absence of fear.
148
00:07:10,341 --> 00:07:12,929
It is the overcoming of it.
149
00:07:20,695 --> 00:07:22,532
Oh, no, not goo again!
150
00:07:22,533 --> 00:07:24,159
No! That's sour!
151
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,245
It's sour!
152
00:07:25,246 --> 00:07:26,748
Do not despair,
153
00:07:26,749 --> 00:07:29,086
for you are not alone, my friend.
154
00:07:29,087 --> 00:07:31,883
Who's that? You will triumph
because you are truly special.
155
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:32,885
No, no, no, no, no!
156
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:33,887
Get out of my head.
157
00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:34,973
Get out of my head!
158
00:07:34,974 --> 00:07:36,560
Go away! I'm not special.
159
00:07:36,561 --> 00:07:40,441
I'm a no one. I'm just
a guy gagging on goo!
160
00:07:40,442 --> 00:07:43,114
No, no, you are so much more than that.
161
00:07:43,115 --> 00:07:45,744
You are a savior.
162
00:07:45,745 --> 00:07:46,788
- - No!
- Yes.
163
00:07:46,789 --> 00:07:48,416
Yes, you are,
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00:07:48,417 --> 00:07:50,086
and because of that,
165
00:07:50,087 --> 00:07:52,884
- I will help you escape.
- Boom shaka-laka!
166
00:07:52,885 --> 00:07:55,639
And that is how you kill a unicorn.
167
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,267
You just rip its magic little horn
168
00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:59,647
off its stupid little horse head
169
00:07:59,648 --> 00:08:02,820
and then you just watch
it... it bleed rainbows,
170
00:08:02,821 --> 00:08:03,906
and you just laugh.
171
00:08:03,907 --> 00:08:05,450
Look.
172
00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:07,329
Hey, you know what that is?
173
00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:09,041
It's a kraken ball!
174
00:08:09,042 --> 00:08:10,711
Yeah, they only have one, singular.
175
00:08:10,712 --> 00:08:12,798
When I took that from him, he, uh...
176
00:08:12,799 --> 00:08:14,468
he basically lost the will to live.
177
00:08:14,469 --> 00:08:16,723
Every creature has a weakness, Josh.
178
00:08:16,724 --> 00:08:18,434
It's usually the dick zone.
Oh, so that's it. You guys won.
179
00:08:18,435 --> 00:08:20,438
It's over.
180
00:08:20,439 --> 00:08:22,150
I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,
181
00:08:22,151 --> 00:08:24,071
but, uh, looking at the
score keeper's poor face,
182
00:08:24,072 --> 00:08:26,158
I'd say we pretty much shattered it.
183
00:08:26,159 --> 00:08:28,789
Yeah, and his face, which,
that was unnecessary,
184
00:08:28,790 --> 00:08:30,584
but once the adrenaline starts pumping,
185
00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:32,755
I am not distinguishing between
participant and official.
186
00:08:32,756 --> 00:08:34,592
It's all just, ah!
187
00:08:34,593 --> 00:08:37,264
Oh, you displayed a shocking
brutality in there.
188
00:08:37,265 --> 00:08:38,642
Stop it, I was... I was locked in.
189
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,644
I don't know what you want me to say.
190
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:41,146
I saw that.
191
00:08:41,147 --> 00:08:42,232
Yeah, I'm really sad that I missed it.
192
00:08:42,233 --> 00:08:43,652
I wish I would have seen it.
193
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,113
I'm fine, by the way, so thank you,
194
00:08:45,114 --> 00:08:46,115
you know, for asking.
195
00:08:46,116 --> 00:08:47,618
Um, question, though.
196
00:08:47,619 --> 00:08:50,331
Did they put, like, a... a little, like,
197
00:08:50,332 --> 00:08:53,547
voice in your head that just zeroes
in on all your weaknesses, or...
198
00:08:53,548 --> 00:08:56,010
How much of that, uh, that
goo have you swallowed?
199
00:08:56,011 --> 00:08:57,847
Never mind. Uh, never mind. I'm fine.
200
00:08:57,848 --> 00:08:59,642
I was just making sure that all three of us
201
00:08:59,643 --> 00:09:00,978
didn't have a voice in our heads.
202
00:09:00,979 --> 00:09:02,439
I got a voice in my head,
203
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,067
and that voice is screaming,
204
00:09:04,068 --> 00:09:05,486
"Choo-choo-choo ching-ching,"
205
00:09:05,487 --> 00:09:07,783
which is how cash registers sound now.
206
00:09:07,784 --> 00:09:11,750
You guys were spectacular. Phenomenal.
207
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:15,381
What a show. Not you.
You did jack shit, sir.
208
00:09:15,382 --> 00:09:17,010
So what do we get for winning?
209
00:09:17,011 --> 00:09:23,523
You guys get an
all-expense-paid luxury trip
210
00:09:23,524 --> 00:09:26,070
back to The DieCathlon!
211
00:09:26,071 --> 00:09:27,657
You go back in. You're going back.
212
00:09:27,658 --> 00:09:29,201
That was level one of many.
213
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,788
That's great news.
214
00:09:30,789 --> 00:09:32,207
We were hoping you'd
have more to throw at us
215
00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:33,627
than some rinky-dink show pony
216
00:09:33,628 --> 00:09:35,631
and a fat goldfish with one ball.
217
00:09:35,632 --> 00:09:38,010
Yeah, getting out of a
long-promised threesome
218
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,597
with Vince Neil and Tawny Kitaen
219
00:09:39,598 --> 00:09:41,726
was much harder than this bullshit excuse
220
00:09:41,727 --> 00:09:43,354
for The Running Man, which, by the way,
221
00:09:43,355 --> 00:09:45,191
I did an uncredited rewrite on.
222
00:09:45,192 --> 00:09:47,530
The first draft was a
disaster with a capital D.
223
00:09:47,531 --> 00:09:50,159
It made no sense. Really,
this whole thing was...
224
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:53,082
- You're healing nicely.
- My whole body is numb!
225
00:09:53,083 --> 00:09:55,461
That means the goo is doing
what the goo is supposed to do.
226
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,132
This goo is incredible goo.
227
00:09:57,133 --> 00:09:58,844
- It's our best goo yet.
- Oh.
228
00:09:58,845 --> 00:10:01,014
Too much of the goo, you get cancer.
229
00:10:01,015 --> 00:10:03,562
Too little of the goo, you get cancer.
230
00:10:03,563 --> 00:10:07,695
The exact right amount of goo
will heal almost anything
231
00:10:07,696 --> 00:10:10,534
except goo-related cancers.
232
00:10:10,535 --> 00:10:12,162
Medicine.
233
00:10:12,163 --> 00:10:14,040
Come on. Anyway, you guys rest up.
234
00:10:14,041 --> 00:10:17,338
You've got a big day tomorrow.
You're fighting dinosaurs.
235
00:10:17,339 --> 00:10:18,842
Roar.
236
00:10:18,843 --> 00:10:21,388
Wait.
237
00:10:21,389 --> 00:10:24,730
- What if I swallow too much?
- Ah, you'll be fine.
238
00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:33,163
Gah.
239
00:10:37,213 --> 00:10:39,634
- Hey!
- Oh! God.
240
00:10:39,635 --> 00:10:40,886
How's the shoulder, kid?
241
00:10:40,887 --> 00:10:42,138
It feels like being stabbed
242
00:10:42,139 --> 00:10:44,519
by a million tiny little knives.
243
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,525
It's actually being stabbed
by 2.5 billion little knives.
244
00:10:47,526 --> 00:10:50,404
Those are nanobots, and they are
repairing the tear in your soft tissue.
245
00:10:50,405 --> 00:10:52,034
Where do they go when they're done?
246
00:10:53,704 --> 00:10:54,997
Whatever.
247
00:10:54,998 --> 00:10:56,543
Look, what am I gonna do tomorrow
248
00:10:56,544 --> 00:10:58,462
when Tiger and Wolf go back into the game?
249
00:10:58,463 --> 00:11:00,299
- You're gonna go back too.
- What? Hell, no, I'm not!
250
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:01,803
I-I-I can barely move my shoulder!
251
00:11:01,804 --> 00:11:03,430
I got shot with a giant "Avatar" arrow!
252
00:11:03,431 --> 00:11:05,434
You'll be fine by tomorrow.
253
00:11:05,435 --> 00:11:07,272
The network does not skimp
when it comes to keeping alive
254
00:11:07,273 --> 00:11:08,733
the people that they plan
on eventually killing.
255
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,696
Look at you.
256
00:11:10,697 --> 00:11:12,616
You already have the
strength of a nine-year-old.
257
00:11:12,617 --> 00:11:14,160
Before you know it,
258
00:11:14,161 --> 00:11:15,622
you'll have the strength of a preteen.
259
00:11:15,623 --> 00:11:17,585
Then a tween. Then a teenager.
260
00:11:17,586 --> 00:11:18,795
Then a little man.
261
00:11:18,796 --> 00:11:20,550
Thanks, Susan.
262
00:11:31,487 --> 00:11:34,201
Okay, this might get a little old.
263
00:11:38,669 --> 00:11:40,212
Sweet tune.
264
00:11:40,213 --> 00:11:41,841
Knew this would stand the test of time.
265
00:11:41,842 --> 00:11:43,010
What do you think of Pelican's Folly?
266
00:11:43,011 --> 00:11:44,429
No, it's too risky.
267
00:11:44,430 --> 00:11:46,099
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out
268
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,770
before we could hide enough
rocks in our mouths.
269
00:11:47,771 --> 00:11:49,565
- Hyena's Whisper?
- Yes.
270
00:11:49,566 --> 00:11:51,026
Especially in an arena this size.
271
00:11:51,027 --> 00:11:52,320
They'll never see it coming,
272
00:11:52,321 --> 00:11:54,115
and it might buy us just enough time
273
00:11:54,116 --> 00:11:55,577
to pull a classic.
274
00:11:55,578 --> 00:11:57,414
Lobster's Bluff.
275
00:11:59,670 --> 00:12:01,714
What are you guys doing?
276
00:12:01,715 --> 00:12:03,551
What?
277
00:12:03,552 --> 00:12:05,847
Why are you saying the same
things you said yesterday?
278
00:12:05,848 --> 00:12:07,475
Is it like a... like a warrior thing?
279
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,772
Like, you have to repeat
what worked or what?
280
00:12:09,773 --> 00:12:11,651
- What are you talking about?
- Stop fucking with me!
281
00:12:11,652 --> 00:12:13,070
We need to come up with a
plan to protect me out there.
282
00:12:13,071 --> 00:12:14,322
You understand?
283
00:12:14,323 --> 00:12:15,324
You guys are far better equipped
284
00:12:15,325 --> 00:12:16,326
to handle this than I am.
285
00:12:16,327 --> 00:12:17,538
What can I expect?
286
00:12:17,539 --> 00:12:18,790
How the hell should we know?
287
00:12:18,791 --> 00:12:19,917
It's the first time for us too.
288
00:12:19,918 --> 00:12:21,294
This guy.
289
00:12:21,295 --> 00:12:23,132
No, it isn't!
290
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:25,261
Who's ready for some...
291
00:12:25,262 --> 00:12:27,558
First blood! First blood!
292
00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:29,352
You guys, this is really mean! Please!
293
00:12:29,353 --> 00:12:31,900
Here they are, ready to die!
294
00:12:42,087 --> 00:12:43,089
Oh, come on!
295
00:12:48,994 --> 00:12:52,983
Survival is equal parts
endurance and adaptation.
296
00:12:52,984 --> 00:12:54,277
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
297
00:12:54,278 --> 00:12:55,864
You will not survive this game.
298
00:12:55,865 --> 00:12:57,743
No one does.
299
00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:00,081
Eventually, something sharp
will pierce something
300
00:13:00,082 --> 00:13:01,876
that cannot be healed by tiny robots.
301
00:13:01,877 --> 00:13:03,588
How... how do you know?
302
00:13:03,589 --> 00:13:06,134
I know a great many things, Josh.
303
00:13:06,135 --> 00:13:08,305
How do you... how do you know who I am?
304
00:13:08,306 --> 00:13:11,186
Do you... do you know everyone?
305
00:13:11,187 --> 00:13:12,815
Are you Go...
306
00:13:12,816 --> 00:13:14,902
Oh, no, no, no.
307
00:13:14,903 --> 00:13:16,697
Maybe... maybe you're not.
308
00:13:16,698 --> 00:13:19,119
Maybe... maybe I'm just
finally losing my mind
309
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,539
and I'm having this
conversation with myself
310
00:13:20,540 --> 00:13:21,999
like in "Fight Club."
311
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,503
I don't get that reference.
312
00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:25,005
Okay, you know what? That's it.
313
00:13:25,006 --> 00:13:26,801
I'm ignoring you. You're not real.
314
00:13:26,802 --> 00:13:28,387
Really?
315
00:13:28,388 --> 00:13:30,307
Humming, Josh?
316
00:13:30,308 --> 00:13:32,855
Don't be that way. Listen.
317
00:13:32,856 --> 00:13:35,569
I am here to help you escape
through the elevator,
318
00:13:35,570 --> 00:13:37,990
where there are no cameras.
319
00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:39,785
What, escape? Really, to where?
320
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,747
3491? Some other time?
321
00:13:41,748 --> 00:13:43,918
Anywhere that I can go
I've either already ruined
322
00:13:43,919 --> 00:13:45,630
or I'm gonna be killed instantly by people
323
00:13:45,631 --> 00:13:47,593
who are better equipped to live than me.
324
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,680
I know a place where you will be safe.
325
00:13:49,681 --> 00:13:53,021
It's a place you once called home.
326
00:13:55,233 --> 00:13:58,656
I trust from your silence
you are intrigued.
327
00:13:58,657 --> 00:14:00,242
Yeah, of course I'm intrigued.
328
00:14:00,243 --> 00:14:02,038
I'm talking to myself so
I'm gonna tell myself
329
00:14:02,039 --> 00:14:04,000
- whatever I want to hear.
- You are a skeptic.
330
00:14:04,001 --> 00:14:06,004
To prove to you that I can help,
331
00:14:06,005 --> 00:14:09,595
I will now perform a small miracle.
Is that okay?
332
00:14:09,596 --> 00:14:11,766
Can I perform a small miracle for you?
333
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:13,393
Sure, man. I'm not going anywhere.
334
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:14,813
You are in the goo, no?
335
00:14:14,814 --> 00:14:16,399
Yeah, you know I'm in the goo.
336
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,236
I'm wearing a metal
diaper in a thing of goo.
337
00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:20,324
Okay, listen to me, Josh.
338
00:14:20,325 --> 00:14:22,537
You don't want to be swallowing
any more of this goo.
339
00:14:22,538 --> 00:14:24,207
The nanobots, they react
poorly with your gut flora.
340
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,086
They go to war.
341
00:14:26,087 --> 00:14:27,798
The next thing you know, you
are allergic to chickpeas.
342
00:14:27,799 --> 00:14:29,510
Oh, man. I love chickpeas.
343
00:14:29,511 --> 00:14:31,514
I know, me too. Reach down.
344
00:14:31,515 --> 00:14:33,392
You will find a small rubberized knob
345
00:14:33,393 --> 00:14:34,895
behind your hip just to the left.
346
00:14:34,896 --> 00:14:36,691
- Feel it?
- Yeah.
347
00:14:36,692 --> 00:14:38,403
Press the center of it, hard.
348
00:14:42,996 --> 00:14:44,163
Oh, God!
349
00:14:44,164 --> 00:14:45,667
Oh, that's so much better.
350
00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:47,504
That is my small miracle,
351
00:14:47,505 --> 00:14:49,215
just for you, my friend.
352
00:14:49,216 --> 00:14:52,514
Uh, yeah, if I meet a
rhyming riddle worm,
353
00:14:52,515 --> 00:14:54,142
I'm gonna decapitate it.
354
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,770
But I think that animatronic Clue Worm
355
00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,189
was trying to help us.
356
00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:58,943
Well, speak in prose, then, buddy.
357
00:14:58,944 --> 00:15:01,072
Let me guess. You guys won.
358
00:15:01,073 --> 00:15:03,035
I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,
359
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,456
but from the look on that
poor scorekeeper's face,
360
00:15:05,457 --> 00:15:07,627
I'd say we shattered it.
361
00:15:07,628 --> 00:15:09,422
And his face, right?
362
00:15:09,423 --> 00:15:11,342
- How'd you know that?
- Just a guess.
363
00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:12,929
What, do you got a live feed in here?
364
00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:15,059
Are they using any close-ups?
365
00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:16,562
'Cause I feel like they're
shooting everything in a wide,
366
00:15:16,563 --> 00:15:20,402
and, well, the drama's right here.
367
00:15:20,403 --> 00:15:23,743
Guys, this is gonna
be hard to comprehend,
368
00:15:23,744 --> 00:15:27,667
but all of this already happened yesterday.
369
00:15:27,668 --> 00:15:29,797
All right, th-they must've
wiped your memories
370
00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,466
or something so you have no recollection
371
00:15:31,467 --> 00:15:33,386
- of playing the game.
- Bullshit.
372
00:15:33,387 --> 00:15:35,892
I would remember if they wiped my memory.
373
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,854
- - Yeah, me too.
- No, you wouldn't.
374
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,733
That's not how memory wiping works.
375
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:41,904
You come from a time where
memory wiping's a thing?
376
00:15:41,905 --> 00:15:43,658
'Cause we do.
377
00:15:43,659 --> 00:15:45,829
I'm telling you we are
gonna keep playing this game
378
00:15:45,830 --> 00:15:48,375
again and again with slight
variations until we're dead.
379
00:15:48,376 --> 00:15:50,045
Okay, even if that were
true, which it isn't,
380
00:15:50,046 --> 00:15:51,674
I can think of worse ways to go.
381
00:15:51,675 --> 00:15:53,594
- - Y-you have to believe me!
- No, sorry.
382
00:15:53,595 --> 00:15:55,598
My radar is finely tuned to repetition.
383
00:15:55,599 --> 00:15:58,270
Even back at the restaurant
when everyone was clamoring
384
00:15:58,271 --> 00:15:59,690
for Wolfheart staples,
385
00:15:59,691 --> 00:16:02,486
I changed the menu every goddamn day.
386
00:16:02,487 --> 00:16:04,282
Now, that's a terrible business model,
387
00:16:04,283 --> 00:16:07,246
but, well, a true artist
never repeats himself.
388
00:16:07,247 --> 00:16:09,333
What you're describing, well,
that sounds like hell.
389
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:11,254
Josh, these people are awful.
390
00:16:11,255 --> 00:16:12,757
You don't need them.
391
00:16:12,758 --> 00:16:15,012
I can lead you home. Follow me.
392
00:16:15,013 --> 00:16:16,849
I can't... I can't
just abandon them, okay?
393
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,393
We're gonna go back to the Victor's Lounge.
394
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:21,149
Yeah, sorry. Victors only.
395
00:16:21,150 --> 00:16:23,529
Good-bye, Josh.
396
00:16:23,530 --> 00:16:25,992
Guys, come on! Don't just...
397
00:16:25,993 --> 00:16:28,413
See how quickly they leave you behind?
398
00:16:28,414 --> 00:16:30,167
You must do the same.
399
00:16:30,168 --> 00:16:32,421
That... that's just like
our... our dynamic, okay?
400
00:16:32,422 --> 00:16:33,883
It's... it's fun.
401
00:16:33,884 --> 00:16:35,385
If we're gonna do this,
402
00:16:35,386 --> 00:16:36,805
we're gonna do things my way, all right?
403
00:16:36,806 --> 00:16:39,520
Just tell me what I need to know.
404
00:16:44,321 --> 00:16:46,115
Guys, listen. We have to get out of here,
405
00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:47,493
and the only way is through this elevator.
406
00:16:47,494 --> 00:16:49,372
Otherwise, we're dead, eventually.
407
00:16:49,373 --> 00:16:50,917
What are you talking about?
What is he talking about?
408
00:16:50,918 --> 00:16:53,130
No idea. Sounds boring.
409
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,853
� Y'all ready for this �
410
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,649
And this is the only safe
place that we can talk.
411
00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:04,402
Okay, this is, like, a really old elevator,
412
00:17:04,403 --> 00:17:06,615
and it passes through, like,
a magnetic rock section,
413
00:17:06,616 --> 00:17:08,285
and then the cameras get jammed.
414
00:17:08,286 --> 00:17:10,248
Guys, wait for me!
415
00:17:12,545 --> 00:17:13,672
Baseball?
416
00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:21,521
I just want to sleep!
417
00:17:23,608 --> 00:17:26,404
I am telling you, you
memories have been wiped.
418
00:17:26,405 --> 00:17:27,616
You have to believe me, please!
419
00:17:29,161 --> 00:17:31,540
Please turn it down! No!
420
00:17:31,541 --> 00:17:34,004
� Y'all ready for this? �
421
00:17:43,649 --> 00:17:44,941
Don't you guys think it's a
little weird that I know
422
00:17:44,942 --> 00:17:46,486
everything you're about to say?
423
00:17:46,487 --> 00:17:48,909
No? No reaction? Okay.
424
00:17:53,835 --> 00:17:55,379
I'm telling you guys,
425
00:17:55,380 --> 00:17:56,715
this is the only way we're going to escape.
426
00:17:56,716 --> 00:17:58,343
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
427
00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:00,222
You're pitching an escape
and you don't mention
428
00:18:00,223 --> 00:18:02,309
the word "escape" until 30 seconds in?
429
00:18:02,310 --> 00:18:04,439
You gotta work on your elevator pitch.
430
00:18:25,398 --> 00:18:28,236
There you are, my hapless wonder.
431
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:31,033
Look at them. They love-slash-pity you.
432
00:18:31,034 --> 00:18:32,746
Erase my memory. I'm begging you.
433
00:18:32,747 --> 00:18:34,583
No way! You kidding?
434
00:18:34,584 --> 00:18:36,795
People wait their whole
careers for a run like this.
435
00:18:36,796 --> 00:18:39,760
You remembering while Tiger and Wolf don't?
436
00:18:39,761 --> 00:18:40,928
That's the special sauce,
437
00:18:40,929 --> 00:18:42,473
and you don't want me
438
00:18:42,474 --> 00:18:44,101
to serve my signature meal
439
00:18:44,102 --> 00:18:45,938
without my special sauce, do you?
440
00:18:45,939 --> 00:18:48,611
I don't care about your special sauce.
441
00:18:48,612 --> 00:18:50,322
Well, it's more delicious
with the special sauce.
442
00:18:50,323 --> 00:18:51,742
I just want to die!
443
00:18:51,743 --> 00:18:53,453
This is, like, the fifth time
444
00:18:53,454 --> 00:18:55,833
I've had to train myself to walk again!
445
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,962
47 times you failed to
get off that elevator.
446
00:18:57,963 --> 00:18:59,633
Do you know how hard that is?
447
00:18:59,634 --> 00:19:02,012
- I am trying.
- I know!
448
00:19:02,013 --> 00:19:03,557
That's what makes it so funny.
449
00:19:03,558 --> 00:19:05,770
It's crazy. You're really trying.
450
00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:08,066
And Tiger and Wolf, the savagery.
451
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,151
They really are from the worst timeline.
452
00:19:09,152 --> 00:19:11,280
If they keep this up,
453
00:19:11,281 --> 00:19:12,951
we're gonna have to release
the killing machine,
454
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,411
and we've never had to do that.
455
00:19:14,412 --> 00:19:15,665
Tiger and Wolf are my heroes.
456
00:19:15,666 --> 00:19:18,419
You, my bumbling comic relief.
457
00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:19,881
I'm back on top.
458
00:19:19,882 --> 00:19:21,552
If I keep this up,
459
00:19:21,553 --> 00:19:23,764
the network is gonna let me own my wife
460
00:19:23,765 --> 00:19:25,475
and daughter outright, free and clear.
461
00:19:25,476 --> 00:19:27,354
- Maintenance included, Josh.
- Congratulations.
462
00:19:27,355 --> 00:19:29,317
Yeah. I'd say.
463
00:19:30,946 --> 00:19:33,074
Are you ready to do this another way?
464
00:19:33,075 --> 00:19:34,368
My way?
465
00:19:34,369 --> 00:19:36,247
No. No, no, no.
466
00:19:36,248 --> 00:19:38,084
Didn't you hear him? I'm
not an action hero.
467
00:19:38,085 --> 00:19:39,880
I'm the comic relief.
468
00:19:39,881 --> 00:19:41,592
I can't do any of this without
Tiger and without Wolf.
469
00:19:41,593 --> 00:19:43,762
You've allowed yourself to believe
470
00:19:43,763 --> 00:19:45,558
you're a worthless piece of shit.
471
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,479
The world thinks you're a
worthless piece of shit.
472
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,025
That is your greatest advantage.
473
00:19:50,026 --> 00:19:52,321
That's my advantage? Well, you know what?
474
00:19:52,322 --> 00:19:53,824
It really doesn't feel like one.
475
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:55,828
- Can I please have another?
- No!
476
00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:59,001
Let them dismiss you,
mock you, upstage you,
477
00:19:59,002 --> 00:20:00,963
and underneath their very noses,
478
00:20:00,964 --> 00:20:03,426
we will accomplish the impossible
479
00:20:03,427 --> 00:20:05,514
and get you home.
480
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:22,172
- You thinking Pelican's Folly?
- Nah, too risky.
481
00:20:22,173 --> 00:20:25,345
Those bionic pumas would sniff it out before
we could get enough rocks in our mouth.
482
00:20:25,346 --> 00:20:26,974
Hyena's Whisper?
483
00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:29,019
Appreciate the pitch. Terrible idea.
484
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,606
Hmm, yeah. I don't know
what I was thinking.
485
00:20:30,607 --> 00:20:31,900
I'll just leave the
strategizing to you two.
486
00:20:31,901 --> 00:20:34,614
It's cool. Stay in your lane.
487
00:20:34,615 --> 00:20:36,743
Hey, you know, uh, I was
reading in the green room.
488
00:20:36,744 --> 00:20:39,248
Apparently, there's all
sorts of mythological,
489
00:20:39,249 --> 00:20:41,377
genetically-modified creatures
inside the Death Arena.
490
00:20:41,378 --> 00:20:44,258
I bet you could not get a
mermaid's gallbladder.
491
00:20:44,259 --> 00:20:45,720
Mermaid's gallbladder?
492
00:20:45,721 --> 00:20:48,057
A stupid trophy only an idiot would want.
493
00:20:48,058 --> 00:20:50,771
All right, I just know they're
a really prized possession
494
00:20:50,772 --> 00:20:52,274
and extremely difficult to cut out.
495
00:20:52,275 --> 00:20:53,652
It's fine, it's fine.
496
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,447
I mean, I'm sure, you know, you probably...
497
00:20:55,448 --> 00:20:56,868
probably couldn't do it anyways.
498
00:20:58,454 --> 00:21:00,624
Turns out mermaid bile's acidic.
499
00:21:00,625 --> 00:21:02,044
That and their tears.
500
00:21:02,045 --> 00:21:03,922
You know they weep when you kill 'em?
501
00:21:03,923 --> 00:21:06,720
Oh, pathetic creatures, really.
502
00:21:06,721 --> 00:21:09,349
Yes, Josh. Now they're playing your game.
503
00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:12,523
Yep, I said it. Arachno-bot web spindle.
504
00:21:12,524 --> 00:21:14,694
See how they do your bidding?
505
00:21:14,695 --> 00:21:16,865
No way you get a stegosaurus femur.
506
00:21:16,866 --> 00:21:19,036
Guess who just went extinct again?
507
00:21:19,037 --> 00:21:21,040
You have the tools.
508
00:21:21,041 --> 00:21:24,339
Now I will teach you how to wield them.
509
00:21:29,809 --> 00:21:31,143
As you were, everyone.
510
00:21:31,144 --> 00:21:32,939
You all know Stanley and Randall.
511
00:21:32,940 --> 00:21:35,694
I actually recently leveled up Stanley
512
00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:38,324
with the musical prodigy expansion pack.
513
00:21:38,325 --> 00:21:40,621
Give them a taste, Stan.
514
00:22:01,496 --> 00:22:04,168
Magnifico, amore.
515
00:22:04,169 --> 00:22:05,880
All right, big show tonight, everyone.
516
00:22:05,881 --> 00:22:07,967
They're even beaming us to
the off-world colonies,
517
00:22:07,968 --> 00:22:10,724
and those pasty crater monkeys
never watch this show.
518
00:22:12,728 --> 00:22:16,025
You are the most successful human man
519
00:22:16,026 --> 00:22:18,197
my programming can process.
520
00:22:20,242 --> 00:22:22,706
- You're damn right I am.
- Yes.
521
00:22:27,131 --> 00:22:28,718
Okay, this might get a little old.
522
00:22:31,515 --> 00:22:33,268
It's now or never, Josh.
523
00:22:40,449 --> 00:22:42,745
What the fuck are you doing?
524
00:22:42,746 --> 00:22:44,999
Escaping. Yeah, that's right.
525
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,628
You guys think that this is day one,
526
00:22:46,629 --> 00:22:48,799
but it's actually day 60.
527
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,345
You won't listen to me
because you're both dicks.
528
00:22:51,346 --> 00:22:52,765
There's no winning with you two,
529
00:22:52,766 --> 00:22:54,309
and there's no winning in this game.
530
00:22:54,310 --> 00:22:55,478
Well said, Josh, but go faster.
531
00:22:55,479 --> 00:22:57,232
Every second counts.
532
00:22:57,233 --> 00:22:59,530
Don't forget the clove
hitch for the safety.
533
00:23:00,782 --> 00:23:03,202
Okay, there's a 640-foot drop,
534
00:23:03,203 --> 00:23:05,331
and only 620 feet of Arachno-silk.
535
00:23:05,332 --> 00:23:06,918
If you guys want to escape,
536
00:23:06,919 --> 00:23:08,630
you have to swing over
and climb onto a ledge
537
00:23:08,631 --> 00:23:09,800
and go the rest of the way down.
538
00:23:11,219 --> 00:23:13,015
Wall pegs are to the left.
539
00:23:18,526 --> 00:23:20,529
When did you get kind of hot?
540
00:23:20,530 --> 00:23:23,034
I don't understand how he
figured this out in one day.
541
00:23:23,035 --> 00:23:24,078
Fuck you guys!
542
00:23:26,584 --> 00:23:28,545
Who's ready for some...
543
00:23:29,673 --> 00:23:31,801
I find this very annoying.
544
00:23:31,802 --> 00:23:33,179
Tough call.
545
00:23:33,180 --> 00:23:35,183
First blood! First blood!
546
00:23:35,184 --> 00:23:40,110
And here they are, ready to die!
40337
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