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1
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,513
One - Antares, two - Capella.
2
00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:58,515
Three - Canopus, four - Arcturus.
3
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:00,517
Five - Agreetor, six - Anektor.
4
00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:02,519
Seven - Duendin, eight - Algerib.
5
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,521
Nine - Agena, ten - Lalandry.
6
00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,523
11 - Vega, 12 - Golubin.
7
00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:08,525
13 - Spirro, 14 - Capra.
8
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,527
15 - Acrab, 16 - Deneb.
9
00:01:10,653 --> 00:01:12,529
17 - Sapho, 18 - Castor.
10
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:14,531
19 - Pollux, 20 - Storcha.
11
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:17,284
21 - Algano, 22 - Spira.
12
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,661
23 - Salcis, 24 - Hoytan.
13
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,830
25 - Luper, 26 - MacKay.
14
00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:24,124
27 - Regulus, 28 - Eiridani.
15
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,376
29 - Tenna, 30 - Riga.
16
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,545
31 - Cursa, 32 - Thuba.
17
00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:30,547
33 - Mett, 34 - Mack.
18
00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:32,549
35 - Mez, 36 - Lap.
19
00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:34,551
37 - Zed, 38 - Diss.
20
00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:36,970
39 - Bolse, 40 - Daron.
21
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,306
41 - Jeannus, 42 - Touros.
22
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:41,183
43 - Plin, 44 - Paul.
23
00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:43,185
45 - Broma, 46 - Branca.
24
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,187
47 - Bellatrix, 48 - Mirach.
25
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,147
49 - Almach, 50 - Caff.
26
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,149
51 - Corboda, 52 - Ceti.
27
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:51,360
53 - Cruzer, 54 - Spira.
28
00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:53,570
55 - Schredder, 56 - Abiera.
29
00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,948
57 - Dipda, 58 - Kracklite.
30
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,950
59 - Salcis, 60 - Okkra.
31
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:00,494
61 - Bolstar, 62 - Beastal.
32
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,496
63 - Procis, 64 - Salamon.
33
00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,873
65 - Groombridge, 66 - Betelguese.
34
00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:07,167
67 - Stobart, 68 - Gobin.
35
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:09,503
69 - Adnam, 70 - Boston.
36
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,797
71 - Scheet, 72 - Nath.
37
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,799
73 - Stratt, 74 - Kriss.
38
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:16,218
75 - Bosch, 76 - Louis.
39
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,470
77 - Borick, 78 - Crupel.
40
00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:20,472
79 - Indi, 80 - Smeltzer.
41
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,808
81 - Crucis, 82 - Banka.
42
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,810
83 - Altair, 84 - Nollar.
43
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:27,104
85 - Schrader, 86 - Fabriticus.
44
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,106
87 - Lucius, 88 - Kuellar.
45
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,108
89 - Kitaj, 90 - Bethal.
46
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:33,193
91 - Britius, 92 - Colcis.
47
00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,195
93 - Centaur, 94 - Sopul.
48
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:37,197
95 - Jonah, 96 - Vierny.
49
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:39,199
97 - Ritback, 98 - Rostra.
50
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,743
99 - Procyon and 100 - Elektra.
51
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,132
What are you doing up so late?
52
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:57,426
I'm counting the stars.
53
00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,052
Do you really know all their names?
54
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,721
Yes, I do.
55
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,766
- How many did you count?
- 100.
56
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,604
- There are more than 100.
- I know.
57
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:12,149
- Why did you stop?
- 100 is enough.
58
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:16,278
Once you've counted 100,
all the other hundreds are the same.
59
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:55,544
Take your clothes off girl.
60
00:04:55,670 --> 00:05:00,799
My name's Nellie and there's not room
in that bath for two of us.
61
00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:03,427
Who says two's going in it?
62
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:06,179
I'm surprised you haven't got a proper bath.
63
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,849
I like a tin bath.
64
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:12,602
Take that light further off.
65
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,396
What are you frightened of?
66
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:18,775
Ashamed I might see your underwear?
Or aren't you wearing any?
67
00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:51,099
Wait!
68
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:12,579
I'm cold standing here!
I want a bath too!
69
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:17,042
There's one outside under the apple tree.
70
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:23,382
Moonlight, good for the complexion.
71
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,131
Oh, Cissie!
72
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:34,804
We've been using your soap.
73
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:40,519
Hey, it's her birthday today,
and I took her out to celebrate.
74
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:44,231
Why don't you wish her happy birthday, Cissie?
75
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:49,277
She's as naked as a newborn babe.
76
00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:51,863
Nothing wrong with that,
is there, Cissie?
77
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:54,407
You're not supposed to be here.
78
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:59,079
You're supposed to be playing cards!
79
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:04,376
Oh, backgammon, newmarket and whist,
80
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:07,712
then two in a row, three in a bed,
four in hand,
81
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,173
five-card stud...
82
00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:14,344
along with your... friend!
83
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,763
Madgett!
84
00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:21,142
Hey, get a towel, Cissie,
she's drunk too much.
85
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:27,357
If you play the cards right, Cissie...
86
00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:33,405
Oh, well, you can get your clothes off
and come in here too!
87
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:40,620
I've had a wash, I've had a wash.
88
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,998
She gave me one. Nancy...
89
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,710
One...
90
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:53,883
I've had a wash already, Cissie,
Nancy gave it to me.
91
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,934
Nancy gave it to me,
let's play a game...
92
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,478
Three...
93
00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,744
Smut!
94
00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:27,704
Smut!
95
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:29,831
Smut!
96
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:33,835
Get up and answer the phone!
97
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,758
In the game of Dawn Card-Castles,
98
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,426
52 playing cards
99
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:45,764
are stacked up into a castle
in a draft-free space.
100
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:49,768
The player can determine
the dreams of the next night,
101
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:53,188
if he awakes before the castle collapses.
102
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,690
Those players who wish to dream of romance
103
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:58,401
build their castles
with the seven of hearts.
104
00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:47,534
He's put a lot of weight on recently.
105
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:52,163
You'll wake him and he'll want to eat.
106
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:55,291
The only time he stops eating
is when he's asleep.
107
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,878
- Is it warm enough for this?
- Yes.
108
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:03,383
- I phoned Madgett, he didn't answer.
- What did you want to do that for?
109
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,385
I've just drowned Jake.
110
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,471
Do all fat men have little penises?
111
00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:13,101
Huh, I don't know mother, I've not known...
What do you mean?
112
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:15,144
When you first met Hardy
did he have a moustache?
113
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:17,021
What do you mean you've just drowned Jake?
114
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:18,481
I don't like the beard.
115
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:21,943
No, neither do I.
I'm trying to persuade him to shave it off.
116
00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:24,571
What do you mean you've just drowned Jake?
117
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,240
Yes, I need your help to move her.
118
00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:31,160
- What, move who?
- Nancy.
119
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:34,581
- Nancy who?
- Nancy Gill, she calls herself Nel.
120
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,916
What has she got to do with it?
Have you drowned her too?
121
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,669
He doesn't smell very fresh, does he?
122
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:44,090
He looks pregnant,
I like these creases.
123
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,136
We better phone Madgett again.
124
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:52,807
- Perhaps he can help us.
- "Us", mother?
125
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:58,271
One, two, three...
126
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:01,983
four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, te-e-e-e-en!
127
00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:05,778
The game Flights of Fancy
or Reverse Strip Jump
128
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:10,909
is played from as high a jumping point
as a competitor will dare.
129
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:16,122
After each successful jump,
the competitor is allowed to put on
130
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,749
an article of clothing.
131
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:21,961
... three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, te-e-e-e-en!
132
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:34,641
Damn!
133
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:40,188
What are we going to say
if we meet someone?
134
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,357
It depends who it is.
135
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:47,528
"Morning, just taking Nancy home,
she popped round for a bath."
136
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,199
She could lose some weight.
137
00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:53,576
Everyone seems to be getting fatter.
138
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:56,955
Jake must've thought things
were getting better all the time.
139
00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:01,751
I was only 25 when your father died.
140
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,045
And plump enough.
141
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,298
Look at her thumbs.
142
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:12,220
Seamstresses thumbs, well turned.
143
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:14,472
Was Jake interested in thumbs?
144
00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:16,349
Eh, not especially as I remember.
145
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:19,077
What's that?
146
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,780
- Mother, are you going to sneeze?
- No, I can smell something.
147
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,326
Oh, it's Smut.
148
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:40,039
Oh, Madgett must keep him from using that paint.
It makes such a mess.
149
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,207
What's the smell?
150
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:45,336
It's gunpowder,
Smut's been celebrating a corpse!
151
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:49,966
Ah! It's still wet.
152
00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:35,720
Sheep are especially sensitive
153
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,973
to the exact moment of the turn of the tide.
154
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:42,435
In this game, nine tethered sheep react,
155
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:43,770
pull on the stakes,
156
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,647
jog the chairs and rattle the tea cups.
157
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,404
Madgett, where the hell do you keep
all these sheep?
158
00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:55,281
Don't you like sheep?
159
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,658
Shoo them away if you don't like them.
160
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,498
Bets are taken on the combined sensitivity
161
00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,750
of any line of three sheep,
162
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:10,129
read vertically, horizontally or diagonally.
163
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:14,425
Since there are normally
three tide turns every 24 hours,
164
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:18,638
it is normal practice
to take the best of three results.
165
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:22,850
Reliable clocks, calendars and timetables
166
00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:26,896
are used to determine the accuracy
of the sheep's forecast.
167
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,275
Cissie, did you remember?
168
00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:37,031
Yes. Now, they are slightly damaged,
so be careful.
169
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,202
Why didn't you answer the phone earlier, Smut?
170
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,996
I never answer the phone
until the cock crows three times.
171
00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:54,507
It's nice to see you both so early.
172
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,510
How's... Hardy?
173
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,471
He's all right.
174
00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:02,974
What are they doing?
175
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:06,394
They're playing Sheep and Tides.
176
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,980
Sheep are much maligned,
don't you think?
177
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,232
Smut and I are testing their intelligence.
178
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:13,901
It's an Old Testament game.
179
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:15,444
No, it's not.
180
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:16,863
Isn't it?
181
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:21,826
Have some heart...
How's... Jake?
182
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:24,537
Ah, no thank you...
and Jake's all right.
183
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,123
Mother, that's not true.
184
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,916
What are you doing, Smut?
185
00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:30,918
I'm counting the hairs on the dog.
186
00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:33,921
- What ever for?
- To see how many there are.
187
00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:36,215
Madgett, I think you ought to come
and see Jake.
188
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,720
Smut...
189
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:44,432
Go and give Gregory and Teigan some tea.
190
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,309
What about the sheep?
191
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,437
They need to be thirsty to be useful.
192
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:54,233
Why do I have to come and see Jake?
193
00:19:54,651 --> 00:19:55,943
Is he dead?
194
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,529
Good lord, how did you know?
195
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:00,907
I didn't.
196
00:20:02,409 --> 00:20:05,411
- I feel ill.
- It's those mushrooms.
197
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,748
I've got to lie down.
198
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,792
For God's sake, Madgett,
why have you got to feel ill now?
199
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:16,839
Look, I'm going to phone Cissie,
tell her that Nancy needs a visit.
200
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:20,343
Madgett, I've got to talk to you about Jake.
201
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:24,430
Oh, Cissie, I can't talk now,
I feel ill.
202
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:28,517
Tell Smut when he comes back
I need some warm milk
203
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:30,353
and some lemon juice...
204
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,605
and a straw.
205
00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:40,238
In the game of Sheep and Tides,
206
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:44,242
a referee should be appointed
to determine fair play,
207
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:48,746
distinguishing correct reactions
from other interferences.
208
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:52,375
On account of their
special relationship with sheep,
209
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,543
shepherds are disqualified.
210
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:58,339
The tide's on the turn now!
211
00:20:58,465 --> 00:21:00,383
No, not yet.
212
00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:04,887
Three, two, one... now!
213
00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:06,973
No, you fool! Oh, you missed it!
214
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:08,849
You can't go by the book.
215
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,852
You have to watch... very carefully.
216
00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:18,192
What happened?
217
00:21:19,569 --> 00:21:21,696
I drowned him in his bath.
218
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:25,157
- Oh, God!
- Come and see, it looks natural.
219
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:31,205
- Oh, God!
- Madgett, you are going to help me, pull yourself together.
220
00:21:31,331 --> 00:21:32,707
I am?
221
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,710
And what's in it for me?
222
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,586
Madgett, you're a coroner.
223
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:41,299
For God's sake, stop reminding me...
but that's nice.
224
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:43,676
Try a bit lower.
225
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:47,722
Shall I leave now? While you two
come to some sort of agreement?
226
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,098
Don't be stupid.
227
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:51,309
I couldn't find any lemon juice,
228
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:53,811
you'll have to do with one chocolate pudding.
229
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:58,691
Oh, Madgett...
Oh, come on, Madgett!
230
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:03,946
Cissie, I'm in no especial hurry
to assist your crimes.
231
00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:06,490
Madgett, there's a corpse in my house.
232
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,200
It's only your husband.
233
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:09,994
The flies are settling on him.
234
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,830
Brush them off, use a newspaper.
235
00:22:12,956 --> 00:22:15,750
Madgett, I want legal aid,
not a fly swat.
236
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:36,520
A great many things
are dying very violently all the time.
237
00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:42,943
The best days for violent deaths are Tuesdays,
238
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,488
they are the yellow paint days.
239
00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:48,324
Saturdays are second-best, or worst.
240
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,659
Saturdays are red paint days.
241
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:53,579
The Great Death game is therefore
242
00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:57,291
a contest between red paint days
and yellow paint days.
243
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:03,923
So far, yellow paint days are winning
244
00:23:04,049 --> 00:23:06,759
by 31 corpses to 29.
245
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,261
Whatever the colour,
246
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:13,599
a violent death is always celebrated
by a firework.
247
00:23:19,272 --> 00:23:20,523
He is dead.
248
00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:24,193
God, well done, Madgett!
And what did he die of?
249
00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:27,446
Well.... he drowned.
250
00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:29,115
- Did he?
- Of course.
251
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:30,991
Why did he die?
252
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:33,828
There's a strong smell of alcohol.
253
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,088
So there is.
254
00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:40,126
He drowned in his bath,
due to excessive drinking?
255
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:41,544
Unlikely.
256
00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:44,296
Even in the most disadvantageous circumstances,
257
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:49,176
human beings have an almost
involuntary desire to stay alive.
258
00:23:49,302 --> 00:23:50,970
What's the answer then?
259
00:23:55,308 --> 00:23:57,435
- What's the reward?
- Reward?
260
00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:58,269
Yes.
261
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:02,398
What do I get for writing out
a death certificate that says -
262
00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:06,569
"Death caused by drowning
after heart attack
263
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:07,903
"due to excessive drinking"?
264
00:24:08,029 --> 00:24:09,905
- Madgett, I'm appalled!
- I see.
265
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,867
What do you want, Madgett?
266
00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:16,162
Well, Cissie...
I'd have thought you'd have guessed.
267
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,330
No, you tell me.
268
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:21,083
Is this the moment when we leave the room?
269
00:24:21,209 --> 00:24:24,211
Yes. The second tub needs emptying.
270
00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:43,481
- Well?
- Well...
271
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:47,026
A little bodily comfort
would be good for a start.
272
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:50,237
- Madgett, I am 61.
- So?
273
00:24:51,239 --> 00:24:53,324
Aren't I too old for you?
274
00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:55,284
Were you too old for him?
275
00:24:57,037 --> 00:24:58,454
Cissie...
276
00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:01,123
You've not been unaware
of how I felt about you?
277
00:25:01,249 --> 00:25:03,167
Well, it's a bit soon, isn't it?
278
00:25:10,383 --> 00:25:12,885
Smut, which are you first?
A ghoul or a mathematician?
279
00:25:13,011 --> 00:25:15,221
- Neither I'm just a clerk.
- Modest!
280
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:18,474
I could wait... a little while...
281
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,060
I think you'd have to,
to stop tongues wagging.
282
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:23,229
But not too long.
283
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:25,481
This is blackmail.
284
00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:27,441
Yes.
285
00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:36,825
If a player in the game of Dead Man's Catch
286
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:38,244
drops a skittle,
287
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:42,498
he's obliged to suffer
a succession of handicaps.
288
00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:45,543
First, to catch using one hand.
289
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:48,796
Then, to catch kneeling on one knee.
290
00:25:48,922 --> 00:25:53,592
Then, on two knees,
and then, with one eye closed.
291
00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:58,514
If a player finally drops a catch
with both eyes closed,
292
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:02,935
then he is out and must take his place
in the winding sheet.
293
00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:12,111
- Madgett, what sort of game is this?
- One to be played with skill.
294
00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,238
Some skill! It's a kid's game.
295
00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:19,493
That was a lousy throw, Smut.
296
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,706
Stop complaining and use one hand.
297
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:27,459
Look, Madgett, this is no time
for playing games,
298
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,754
- What would everybody think?
- Let them think what they like.
299
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:33,132
I can see Cissie's upset.
300
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:37,261
Best to keep her mind occupied.
Down on one knee, Bellamy.
301
00:26:37,387 --> 00:26:39,888
These are my best trousers!
I came to pay my respects.
302
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:42,099
Then, you can pay your respects kneeling!
303
00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:46,353
I can't spend all my time
paying games, Cissie.
304
00:26:46,479 --> 00:26:49,273
What's your time worth, Hardy?
305
00:26:49,816 --> 00:26:52,276
I was married to Jake for 34 years,
306
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:54,653
surely you can spare him a few minutes.
307
00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:57,239
Is he going to be buried or cremated, Cissie?
308
00:26:57,365 --> 00:26:58,574
Cremated.
309
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:00,576
And where are you going
to scatter the ashes?
310
00:27:00,702 --> 00:27:05,289
Oh, don't worry,
I'll find a suitable place for those.
311
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:06,707
Cissie, you're hardhearted.
312
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:09,418
And you're a lousy catch,
no eyes and no hands!
313
00:27:10,211 --> 00:27:12,755
Into the winding sheet, Hardy,
you're dead.
314
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:16,216
God, you're a little ghoul, Smut.
Who is your father?
315
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:20,262
- Oh, blast it!
- No hands, Bellamy.
316
00:27:20,388 --> 00:27:22,890
All right!
You did that on purpose, Smut!
317
00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:26,226
Into the winding sheet, Bellamy.
It's only a game.
318
00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:28,270
The way Madgett plays it,
you'd think it meant something.
319
00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:29,897
Well, of course it does.
320
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:31,940
It means you're a lousy catch.
321
00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:35,694
So, Madgett, what's the verdict?
322
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:37,780
Accidental death, of course.
323
00:27:43,787 --> 00:27:46,455
Into the winding sheet, Smut!
324
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,589
Into the winding sheet, Madgett!
325
00:28:08,561 --> 00:28:11,188
I've found you three more stars.
326
00:28:11,314 --> 00:28:15,901
Cygnia Beta, Castor Minor and Groombridge 35.
327
00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:19,905
There in the north,
between the twins and Ursa Minor,
328
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:21,782
over by Cissie's house.
329
00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:26,537
Why don't you skip out on the road?
There's more room.
330
00:28:28,331 --> 00:28:30,457
Are you circumcised?
331
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:32,209
What's that?
332
00:28:32,335 --> 00:28:35,671
A piece of your willy is cut off,
it's in the Bible.
333
00:28:37,132 --> 00:28:40,010
My mother says it's better that way.
334
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:51,812
These are the photos of Madgett's game
for taking Jake to the funeral parlour.
335
00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:55,441
Who's that?
336
00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:58,694
It's Cissie's boyfriend,
his name's Bellamy.
337
00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:01,363
On his deathbed, Prime Minister Pitt said -
338
00:29:01,489 --> 00:29:04,199
"I think I could eat
one of Bellamy's pork pies."
339
00:29:17,630 --> 00:29:19,673
When are you going to break away from that butt
and come and live with me?
340
00:29:21,799 --> 00:29:25,637
I'll marry you on two conditions.
341
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:27,639
What are they?
342
00:29:28,475 --> 00:29:30,517
That you learn to swim...
343
00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:33,562
and never...
344
00:29:33,688 --> 00:29:37,107
never, take me from the front.
345
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:41,361
- I've told you before.
- Why the hell not?
346
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:45,783
Cos I can't stand being lain on
and it gives me claustrophobia.
347
00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:50,829
Besides... you won't hurt the baby.
348
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:53,457
- What baby?
- That scared you didn't it?
349
00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:56,210
- What baby?
- There's no baby you dope,
350
00:29:56,336 --> 00:29:59,630
though the way you go about it
I'm constantly surprised.
351
00:30:03,593 --> 00:30:07,179
Fancy a plumber not being able to swim.
352
00:30:07,305 --> 00:30:08,931
What's water for?
353
00:30:09,057 --> 00:30:11,058
Drinking perhaps?
354
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:38,085
All right, Cissie, why did you do it?
355
00:30:39,337 --> 00:30:41,213
Because he was unfaithful.
356
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:46,176
Cissie, he's been unfaithful before,
why did you wait until now?
357
00:30:47,136 --> 00:30:49,137
Because...
358
00:30:49,764 --> 00:30:53,433
Because he'd stopped washing his feet...
Because...
359
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,186
his nose was too red...
360
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:58,605
Because he had a hairy backside...
361
00:30:58,731 --> 00:31:00,566
Because...
362
00:31:01,234 --> 00:31:03,861
I didn't kill him, he drowned.
363
00:31:06,573 --> 00:31:08,365
I drowned him.
364
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,537
- Was it easy?
- Yes.
365
00:31:22,255 --> 00:31:23,714
What is it?
366
00:31:24,716 --> 00:31:27,384
What is it? Oh, Smut!
367
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:30,137
What have you found?
368
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:33,056
How old is Nancy?
369
00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:36,268
25.
370
00:31:36,394 --> 00:31:38,395
Older than me and bigger tits.
371
00:31:38,521 --> 00:31:41,356
What does that mean?
372
00:31:43,026 --> 00:31:46,612
It means Jake made a play for me once.
373
00:31:48,531 --> 00:31:50,198
He what?
374
00:31:51,492 --> 00:31:53,160
And me.
375
00:31:59,042 --> 00:32:00,542
What a dirty old man.
376
00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:05,255
Why have you told me now?
377
00:32:07,133 --> 00:32:08,634
It might help.
378
00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:12,429
I didn't like him.
379
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,806
Is that sufficient reason to drown him?
380
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:16,391
Madgett says it is.
381
00:32:16,517 --> 00:32:18,518
That's pretty irresponsible for a coroner.
382
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:19,853
Isn't it?
383
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:24,650
If you ask him nicely he might be
irresponsible enough to help you.
384
00:32:33,115 --> 00:32:35,035
Oh, it's Smut.
385
00:32:35,161 --> 00:32:37,663
Lose one, win one.
386
00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:39,581
- What?
- A husband.
387
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:42,918
I've got some news for you.
388
00:32:43,878 --> 00:32:46,129
Bellamy and me...
389
00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:48,048
Or is it "I"...?
390
00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:51,802
have decided on a date,
the 31st of this month.
391
00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:54,930
It's a Saturday.
392
00:32:58,518 --> 00:33:01,478
Well, you don't look too excited about it.
393
00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:03,397
Madgett will be pleased for me.
394
00:33:03,523 --> 00:33:05,482
He, least of all.
395
00:33:06,693 --> 00:33:07,693
Moths?
396
00:33:11,114 --> 00:33:13,699
Yes. Look up those.
397
00:33:14,283 --> 00:33:15,993
Elephant Hawk-moth.
398
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:20,414
I want a baby.
399
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,332
At 19?
400
00:33:23,334 --> 00:33:25,293
Cissie, you're mad.
401
00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:30,716
I thought you wanted to spend your life swimming,
not bearing children.
402
00:33:30,842 --> 00:33:33,635
Bellamy can't even swim.
403
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:37,806
- I don't think he can change a light bulb.
- I know, I know.
404
00:33:37,932 --> 00:33:40,976
Championship women swimmers
always have their sons early.
405
00:33:41,102 --> 00:33:42,310
They do.
406
00:33:43,980 --> 00:33:47,232
And how sure are you
that it will be a boy?
407
00:33:47,358 --> 00:33:50,027
Capable women normally have girls.
408
00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:18,805
Smut.
409
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:25,270
What do you want?
410
00:34:25,396 --> 00:34:26,855
I'm hot.
411
00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:32,486
Is it true it's desirable
to be circumcised in a hot climate?
412
00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:34,071
So they say.
413
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:39,826
- Was Samson circumcised?
- Yes.
414
00:34:39,952 --> 00:34:41,328
Does it hurt?
415
00:34:42,288 --> 00:34:43,413
I don't remember.
416
00:34:43,539 --> 00:34:45,540
What does it look like?
417
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:49,628
Nothing special. Look.
418
00:34:52,924 --> 00:34:54,216
Now go to bed.
419
00:34:56,427 --> 00:35:00,222
Was Delilah circumcised?
Do they circumcise women?
420
00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:04,392
Sort of... in hot countries.
421
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:06,978
- It's hot here.
- So it is.
422
00:35:15,238 --> 00:35:16,822
Did they do it to Cissie?
423
00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:19,908
I doubt it very much.
424
00:35:20,827 --> 00:35:22,536
Was Jake circumcised?
425
00:35:22,662 --> 00:35:23,787
You'd better ask Cissie.
426
00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:26,248
Is circumcision barbaric?
427
00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:28,583
Some say so. Now go to bed,
428
00:35:28,709 --> 00:35:31,962
and anything unanswered
about man's barbarity to women,
429
00:35:32,088 --> 00:35:34,422
you can ask Cissie in the morning,
she's an authority.
430
00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:37,217
Now let me write.
431
00:36:25,891 --> 00:36:27,225
Sid, Sid!
432
00:36:27,935 --> 00:36:32,022
Number 41.
It's by the bridge in Cattermole Road.
433
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:54,211
What's he doing?
434
00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:58,590
He's counting the bees,
he's always counting something.
435
00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:01,718
Bees should be told about a death.
436
00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:04,512
That only applies to blood relatives, doesn't it?
437
00:37:05,223 --> 00:37:07,474
Isn't she going to be a blood relative?
438
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:08,808
Isn't who?
439
00:37:08,935 --> 00:37:12,145
Cissie, Jake's widow.
440
00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:13,480
Gregory!
441
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:15,065
What makes you think that?
442
00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:18,693
Isn't that why you signed
the death certificate "heart attack"?
443
00:37:18,819 --> 00:37:22,072
Good lord, Gregory, what an imagination!
444
00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:25,992
I know. I got it from my mother.
445
00:37:26,118 --> 00:37:28,870
Mothers have a lot to answer for.
446
00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:32,707
Oh, sorry, it's Smut!
Here, have a newspaper.
447
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:37,003
Smut... You're late,
you're supposed to be swimming.
448
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:41,716
Gregory, come and try this new game with me.
You too, Nancy.
449
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:44,552
I've got to go,
you've forgotten to tell Madgett about...
450
00:37:44,679 --> 00:37:47,264
He doesn't want to know about them!
Silly girl!
451
00:37:48,140 --> 00:37:50,850
All right then, Nancy,
see you later.
452
00:37:54,063 --> 00:37:55,230
Mind the sheep!
453
00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:12,080
The game Bees in the Trees
is a variant of Musical Chairs
454
00:38:12,206 --> 00:38:15,375
and is best played with funeral music
and in the open air.
455
00:38:15,501 --> 00:38:19,379
The object of the game is to sit
on a vacant chair when the music stops.
456
00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:24,050
If the chair sat on
is previously occupied by bees,
457
00:38:24,176 --> 00:38:27,137
it is permissible to arrange
a professional foul.
458
00:38:44,530 --> 00:38:46,156
Are you Cissie Colpitts?
459
00:38:46,282 --> 00:38:48,158
I am, though there are others.
460
00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:50,493
Our name's Bognor.
461
00:38:50,619 --> 00:38:53,413
B-O-G-N-O-R.
462
00:38:53,539 --> 00:38:56,333
I am Jonah and this is Moses.
463
00:38:56,459 --> 00:38:58,793
- We're cousins of the dead man.
- What dead man?
464
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:01,838
Come on, don't be stupid.
Jake, of course.
465
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:06,593
Oh, pleased to meet you.
Are you in training too?
466
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,012
- Training?
- For the Olympics.
467
00:39:09,138 --> 00:39:11,931
- No, are you?
- Why, yes.
468
00:39:12,516 --> 00:39:14,351
My coach is over there.
469
00:39:14,477 --> 00:39:17,520
The one in the red beret
trained with Dawn Fraser.
470
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:20,899
The other one swam
with Esther Williams in Stockholm.
471
00:39:24,653 --> 00:39:27,447
I thought Esther Williams was a singer?
472
00:39:32,912 --> 00:39:35,413
Do you know those two men?
473
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:41,169
No. Oh, wait a minute...
they do look vaguely familiar...
474
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:43,421
- They know you.
- They do?
475
00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:46,716
They're Jake's cousins,
they're called Moses and Jonah.
476
00:39:47,635 --> 00:39:49,552
The water's a connection?
477
00:39:49,678 --> 00:39:53,515
How much do you think
body hair is appreciably responsible
478
00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:55,767
for extra drag, Miss Freilichberg?
479
00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:57,143
Pardon?
480
00:39:57,269 --> 00:40:00,855
Do you think I ought to shave
and not just my legs?
481
00:40:00,981 --> 00:40:02,315
What do you think I'd look like bald?
482
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:03,358
What?
483
00:40:03,484 --> 00:40:05,860
What do Bellamy and you get up to?
484
00:40:07,446 --> 00:40:10,782
... when I need to impress, expect support!
485
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:14,202
Oh, sorry.
486
00:40:14,328 --> 00:40:16,454
The turn...
487
00:40:16,580 --> 00:40:20,250
it is essential that the muscles of the pelvis
488
00:40:20,376 --> 00:40:24,212
move at 45 degrees
at an angle to the front.
489
00:40:25,506 --> 00:40:27,215
Johnny Weissmullers...
490
00:40:27,341 --> 00:40:29,594
Stop that!
491
00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:34,305
Oh, Smut. Here's your towel.
492
00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:41,062
It's all right,
these have been counted.
493
00:40:41,188 --> 00:40:42,397
Look!
494
00:40:45,484 --> 00:40:50,071
A man that is born of a woman
has but a short time to live...
495
00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,907
You know why they built
the crematorium here, don't you?
496
00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:53,950
No.
497
00:40:54,910 --> 00:40:56,619
The ground is so waterlogged around here
498
00:40:56,745 --> 00:41:00,123
that you can't dig a grave
without making a pond.
499
00:41:00,249 --> 00:41:01,916
Ask Sid.
500
00:41:03,043 --> 00:41:06,588
As it is, they hold these services at low tide
in case the water puts the fire out!
501
00:41:06,714 --> 00:41:08,214
Cissie!
502
00:41:08,340 --> 00:41:11,801
Here comes the bit I've never liked.
503
00:41:12,386 --> 00:41:15,305
Bite your lip and start counting in threes.
504
00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:17,140
Three. Six. Nine.
505
00:41:17,266 --> 00:41:18,975
12. 15. 18.
506
00:41:19,101 --> 00:41:20,977
21. 24. 27.
507
00:41:21,103 --> 00:41:23,897
30. 33. 36. 39.
508
00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:26,900
42. 45. 48. 51...
509
00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:28,276
What are they doing?
510
00:41:28,402 --> 00:41:31,404
They're counting. They often do it.
511
00:41:31,530 --> 00:41:33,615
Are you the local coroner?
512
00:41:33,741 --> 00:41:36,659
- I am.
- How come a six-foot man
513
00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:38,912
drowns in a four-foot bath?
514
00:41:40,122 --> 00:41:41,915
He died of a heart attack.
515
00:41:42,041 --> 00:41:45,043
A bit inconvenient to have
a heart attack in a bath, is it?
516
00:41:45,169 --> 00:41:47,712
It's a bit inconvenient to have
a heart attack anywhere.
517
00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:52,008
What would you say if we said
we don't agree with your verdict?
518
00:41:52,134 --> 00:41:55,220
I'd say you'd better find me
some evidence to the contrary.
519
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:59,682
Well, how's about
"Why were there two baths?", eh, Madgett?
520
00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:18,576
I had a sort of complaint
recently from Nancy.
521
00:42:18,702 --> 00:42:23,039
She came to me to complain of...
red paint on her leg,
522
00:42:23,916 --> 00:42:26,042
lost shoes and....
523
00:42:26,168 --> 00:42:29,963
some other, I gather,
rather embarrassing missing article.
524
00:42:30,089 --> 00:42:32,757
- Her knickers.
- Really?
525
00:42:32,883 --> 00:42:34,801
How do you know that??
526
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:38,179
Because she paid me to go into your kitchen
and look for them.
527
00:42:38,305 --> 00:42:39,264
She what?
528
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,724
Well, she used to be
my Sunday School teacher.
529
00:42:41,850 --> 00:42:44,769
She taught me the Ten Commandments -
not to lie...
530
00:42:44,895 --> 00:42:47,188
- Not to commit adultery?
- Shut up, Cissie.
531
00:42:47,314 --> 00:42:49,023
And I found them under your sink,
532
00:42:49,149 --> 00:42:51,651
put them in my pocket
and told her they weren't there.
533
00:42:51,777 --> 00:42:54,070
Which was true because
they were in my pocket.
534
00:42:54,196 --> 00:42:55,655
and here they are.
535
00:42:55,781 --> 00:42:59,826
It'll cost each of you another 50 pence
if you want them back.
536
00:42:59,952 --> 00:43:03,037
God, Smut, that showed
great presence of mind.
537
00:43:03,163 --> 00:43:04,706
And a taste for business!
538
00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:07,375
Well, that settles it then.
539
00:43:07,501 --> 00:43:10,378
If I go down,
you all go down with me.
540
00:43:15,926 --> 00:43:17,468
Look who's there.
541
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:19,137
Nancy.
542
00:43:19,763 --> 00:43:21,973
And the two swimmers from the baths.
543
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:24,058
And Bellamy.
544
00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:26,644
Perhaps there's a conspiracy.
545
00:43:26,770 --> 00:43:30,565
- A conspiracy?
- A water tower conspiracy.
546
00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:33,860
Set to accuse you, Cissie, of drowning.
547
00:43:33,986 --> 00:43:35,320
Rubbish!
548
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:56,966
The object of Hangman's Cricket
is for each competitor
549
00:43:57,092 --> 00:43:59,677
to retain his allotted nine lives
550
00:43:59,803 --> 00:44:03,306
by scoring runs with a cat or bat,
551
00:44:03,432 --> 00:44:07,602
defending his lower leg
from being struck by the ball.
552
00:44:08,145 --> 00:44:10,897
There is no limit to the number of players
553
00:44:11,023 --> 00:44:15,109
as long as each has an identity
agreed by the two referees.
554
00:44:15,569 --> 00:44:18,988
Now bat harder or play without shoes!
555
00:44:19,114 --> 00:44:20,573
This game of yours, Madgett,
556
00:44:20,699 --> 00:44:22,992
has everything in it
except the kitchen sink.
557
00:44:23,118 --> 00:44:24,535
Thank you.
558
00:44:24,662 --> 00:44:26,871
When played inland, Mrs Hardy...
559
00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:30,583
The more important identities
are the emperor,
560
00:44:30,709 --> 00:44:33,169
the red queen, the widow,
561
00:44:33,295 --> 00:44:34,754
the fat lady,
562
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:38,299
the dunce, the judge, the hangman,
563
00:44:38,425 --> 00:44:39,592
the harlot...
564
00:44:39,718 --> 00:44:41,260
Come on, you two, out!
565
00:44:41,387 --> 00:44:43,012
the businessman, the maiden...
566
00:44:43,138 --> 00:44:45,390
Go and do your fornication elsewhere.
567
00:44:45,516 --> 00:44:48,184
It's not fornication any more.
568
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:51,020
You buy a marriage licence
and it becomes legal.
569
00:44:51,146 --> 00:44:53,481
Not on my couch, it doesn't.
570
00:44:53,607 --> 00:44:56,734
I'll give you three minutes
to make yourself decent.
571
00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:58,486
Hasn't the novelty worn off yet?
572
00:44:58,612 --> 00:45:02,699
Well you see, Hardy,
we've only been married for two hours.
573
00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:03,908
Oh, like hell!
574
00:45:04,034 --> 00:45:05,660
Every cow in every field in the district
575
00:45:05,786 --> 00:45:07,829
has seen the colour of your arse, Bellamy.
576
00:45:10,664 --> 00:45:11,999
Crabby idiot!
577
00:45:15,629 --> 00:45:17,547
Hey, do you think he ever did it?
578
00:45:17,673 --> 00:45:19,465
Ask Cissie.
579
00:45:19,591 --> 00:45:22,635
The adulterer can only pair
with the harlot
580
00:45:22,761 --> 00:45:26,597
when each has an even
number of lives above 12.
581
00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:28,516
Hey, bugger off!
582
00:45:30,769 --> 00:45:34,605
I'm Marina, I'm Bellamy's sister.
Are you Madgett?
583
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:35,857
I am.
584
00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:39,652
If I'm in mourning,
why do I have to catch one-handed?
585
00:45:39,778 --> 00:45:42,113
Grief is a handicap, my dear.
586
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:44,907
So is not being able to see.
587
00:45:45,033 --> 00:45:49,579
The mother-in-law is only allotted
five runs at a time,
588
00:45:49,705 --> 00:45:51,539
after which she must defer
589
00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:53,875
to the gravedigger
who is allowed to add
590
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:58,379
the number of runs of each competitor
he bowls out to his own.
591
00:45:59,715 --> 00:46:01,549
Out Hardy!
592
00:46:01,675 --> 00:46:03,843
She's cheating! Out!
593
00:46:03,969 --> 00:46:07,430
I do not run a pathetic Punch and Judy show
for lonely bachelors,
594
00:46:07,556 --> 00:46:10,391
nor do I run a bordello for newlyweds!
595
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:14,103
If the phone rings,
or if someone breaks their leg,
596
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:15,897
or if you decide to play a proper game,
597
00:46:16,023 --> 00:46:18,274
then I'll be in the sea swimming!
598
00:46:19,568 --> 00:46:21,068
Hardy's right.
599
00:46:21,195 --> 00:46:24,280
This is my wedding party,
why can't we play some proper cricket?
600
00:46:24,406 --> 00:46:25,531
To dangerous!
601
00:46:27,743 --> 00:46:31,120
The maiden is always obliged
to be a spectator
602
00:46:31,246 --> 00:46:33,664
unless she is partnered by the twins.
603
00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:37,293
Good afternoon, remember us?
We're the Bognor brothers, I'm Jonah...
604
00:46:37,461 --> 00:46:38,991
- And I'm Moses.
- I remember.
605
00:46:39,031 --> 00:46:40,671
We'd like a word with you.
606
00:46:40,798 --> 00:46:42,924
In private, if possible.
607
00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:44,091
All right.
608
00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:53,392
Well, what the hell do you know
about cricket?
609
00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:55,311
It's no more dangerous
than any other game.
610
00:46:56,063 --> 00:47:00,566
1931, Chapman Ridger, Australia.
611
00:47:00,692 --> 00:47:02,443
A blow to the chest.
612
00:47:02,569 --> 00:47:07,031
Scores 51 runs,
then has heart palpitations for 12 hours...
613
00:47:07,157 --> 00:47:10,785
A cracked rib enters the lung,
coughing blood.
614
00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:15,706
Dies the next day in bed
with a blonde surfer called Adeline.
615
00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:19,418
Summer of '52.
616
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:22,088
Blow to the top of the head... coma...
617
00:47:22,214 --> 00:47:25,967
His last know words are...
"Bugger Bognor".
618
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:29,512
No, sorry, that was Edward VII.
619
00:47:29,638 --> 00:47:31,848
Sorry chaps, no offence.
620
00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:34,892
What's the matter with Madgett?
He hates cricket.
621
00:47:35,018 --> 00:47:36,143
He's showing off.
622
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:37,812
He likes acting...
623
00:47:37,938 --> 00:47:41,774
He might just be distracting everyone
from what's happening in the sea.
624
00:47:50,492 --> 00:47:53,494
The businessman can be saved if he submits
625
00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:57,748
to a red queen, but in doing so,
he must pay a forfeit.
626
00:48:10,762 --> 00:48:13,890
It's all right, it's all right, mother. Cissie...
627
00:48:14,474 --> 00:48:16,726
Get them out of here
and go and find some scissors.
628
00:48:17,311 --> 00:48:20,605
I'm all right, mother, leave me alone.
I just want to be still.
629
00:48:21,189 --> 00:48:24,609
If you have a hangman,
you have to pair with a judge...
630
00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:27,945
By the time we've learnt your rules
it'll be dark.
631
00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:30,406
Anything worth learning
takes a little time.
632
00:48:32,826 --> 00:48:34,201
Cut my hair.
633
00:48:35,621 --> 00:48:37,121
I'll feel better.
634
00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:48,049
You eat too much.
635
00:49:09,738 --> 00:49:14,867
The full flavour of the game
of Hangman's Cricket, is best appreciated
636
00:49:14,993 --> 00:49:18,454
after the game has been played
for several hours.
637
00:49:18,580 --> 00:49:23,250
By then every player
has a fair understanding of the many rules
638
00:49:23,377 --> 00:49:26,671
and knows which character
he wants to play permanently.
639
00:49:27,589 --> 00:49:30,174
Finally, an outright loser is found,
640
00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:33,135
and is obliged to present himself
to the hangman,
641
00:49:33,261 --> 00:49:34,971
who is always merciless.
642
00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:04,166
I haven't found 54 yet.
643
00:50:07,129 --> 00:50:11,132
Send her a horse chestnut tree
in Nightingale Lane.
644
00:50:11,258 --> 00:50:13,592
Here, it's near a water hydrant.
645
00:50:16,722 --> 00:50:21,058
Then Delilah cut off Samson's hair,
I think.
646
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:25,438
At a large party he summoned up
the last of his strength,
647
00:50:25,522 --> 00:50:29,525
held onto two pillars
and pulled the house down.
648
00:50:29,693 --> 00:50:34,363
His last words were -
"And take good care of Nelly".
649
00:50:34,489 --> 00:50:36,073
Who's Nelly?
650
00:50:36,199 --> 00:50:37,867
This is Nelly.
651
00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:41,495
Although she sometimes insists
on being called Nancy.
652
00:50:41,621 --> 00:50:44,707
- It was Charles II.
- What was?
653
00:50:44,833 --> 00:50:48,419
His last words were -
"And take good care of Nelly".
654
00:50:48,545 --> 00:50:49,795
Who told you that?
655
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:53,215
My mother, she said
she'd wished she'd been Nell Gwynne
656
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:55,801
cos she'd liked to have serviced Charles II.
657
00:51:04,102 --> 00:51:07,229
You really could skip more
out on the road.
658
00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:09,648
The rope wouldn't slap on the doorstep that way.
659
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:12,359
My mother says I'm not to go out.
660
00:51:12,486 --> 00:51:14,987
It's dangerous, there are evil men about.
661
00:51:15,113 --> 00:51:16,113
Stand still.
662
00:51:17,866 --> 00:51:21,243
All right next. Off stump crease.
663
00:51:21,369 --> 00:51:23,037
Left-handed bat.
664
00:51:24,372 --> 00:51:25,790
Left-arm bowler.
665
00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:32,088
New ball, soft ground...
666
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:34,048
off spinner, oh.
667
00:51:38,678 --> 00:51:40,387
Oh, too low.
668
00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:45,851
Difficult to see how the ball
hit him there, but still.
669
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:52,566
Tolly Schriker, 1931.
670
00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:55,611
Scored 58 runs with one eye closed,
671
00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:58,197
before falling down pavilion steps.
672
00:51:58,323 --> 00:52:02,493
Died in "Brisbane Municipal..."
Another black cross.
673
00:52:04,746 --> 00:52:06,080
All right.
674
00:52:12,420 --> 00:52:13,921
Stand still.
675
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:20,511
Smut, pour Cissie a cup of tea.
676
00:52:20,637 --> 00:52:24,265
Oh, don't bother, I'll pour
if you're busy playing cricket.
677
00:52:27,102 --> 00:52:29,937
Bellamy has given me this idea
678
00:52:30,063 --> 00:52:33,607
for a book of cricketing deaths.
679
00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:37,319
Games can be very dangerous.
680
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:47,121
- Madgett, you could talk to Cissie.
- Why could I?
681
00:52:48,165 --> 00:52:51,542
Marrying Bellamy isn't the best thing
she could've done.
682
00:52:51,668 --> 00:52:53,377
A bit late now.
683
00:52:54,212 --> 00:52:56,755
Why saddle herself with his lechery?
684
00:52:57,924 --> 00:53:00,593
- Are you against lechery?
- You know I'm not.
685
00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:02,428
How do I know that?
686
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:04,138
You don't.
687
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,491
Right, try along that hedge.
688
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:43,886
May I kiss you?
689
00:53:45,430 --> 00:53:48,599
If you like, just here though.
690
00:53:49,726 --> 00:53:51,310
Oh, that's chaste.
691
00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:55,731
Please believe,
I appreciate your attentions,
692
00:53:55,899 --> 00:53:58,859
but you'll have to wait a little while.
693
00:53:58,985 --> 00:54:03,572
And who knows...
your prospects might improve.
694
00:54:04,991 --> 00:54:07,159
Cissie's more your age.
695
00:54:08,161 --> 00:54:10,412
But don't go getting ideas about Hardy.
696
00:54:11,957 --> 00:54:15,668
- This time I'm not playing games.
- Aren't you?
697
00:54:16,419 --> 00:54:18,754
It's impossible to tell with you.
698
00:54:19,422 --> 00:54:22,007
I don't think you really know yourself, do you?
699
00:54:33,436 --> 00:54:36,647
May I see what I've always wanted to see?
700
00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:38,482
What is that?
701
00:54:38,608 --> 00:54:41,694
You, without any clothes on.
702
00:54:42,737 --> 00:54:45,114
What a strange desire.
703
00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:49,952
- That's a strange game, Madgett.
- Is it?
704
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:55,249
And here is certainly
not the time and place.
705
00:54:58,295 --> 00:55:00,921
Are you going to the police
if I don't co-operate?
706
00:55:02,632 --> 00:55:04,133
I might.
707
00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:28,574
There was a man at Pulham Market,
who died in his car.
708
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:32,161
He was wealthy, a farmer.
709
00:55:34,122 --> 00:55:37,166
He drove his car into a wood near Thomstot,
710
00:55:37,292 --> 00:55:40,961
turned off the engine,
made himself comfortable
711
00:55:42,130 --> 00:55:44,214
and quietly died.
712
00:55:45,550 --> 00:55:49,845
I could find
absolutely nothing wrong with him.
713
00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:55,017
I expect he died of unrequited love.
714
00:55:56,519 --> 00:55:59,688
Is that what you do when you
can't find a reason for death.
715
00:56:00,231 --> 00:56:03,609
Write - "died of unrequited love"?
716
00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:07,363
In his case I wrote,
"heart attack after bowls match".
717
00:56:08,031 --> 00:56:10,115
Trust you to put a game in.
718
00:56:12,994 --> 00:56:15,996
- You didn't stay long.
- No.
719
00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:18,832
- Where is your torch?
- I lost it.
720
00:56:19,417 --> 00:56:20,626
What do you mean?
721
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:22,294
I'll come and get it tomorrow.
722
00:56:22,420 --> 00:56:24,546
Did you catch anything interesting?
723
00:56:24,672 --> 00:56:26,423
Nothing much.
724
00:56:29,260 --> 00:56:32,805
Let's go to my place
and I'll make some supper.
725
00:58:56,658 --> 00:59:00,118
When you want something, Hardy,
how do you ask for it?
726
00:59:00,245 --> 00:59:02,496
I say "please".
727
00:59:04,874 --> 00:59:08,043
Please, Hardy, can we have a fuck?
728
00:59:08,586 --> 00:59:12,839
Or if I'm in the office,
I'll pick up the phone and dial nine.
729
00:59:34,279 --> 00:59:35,529
Emergency, which service...
730
00:59:35,655 --> 00:59:38,991
All I get is the police, the ambulance,
or the fire brigade, which one do you want?
731
00:59:39,075 --> 00:59:40,909
- Do you want to speak to them?
- No thank you.
732
00:59:41,035 --> 00:59:42,452
Which service do you require?
733
00:59:42,579 --> 00:59:46,665
I'm sorry there is no fire,
accident, burglary, rape or murder...
734
00:59:46,791 --> 00:59:48,000
yet.
735
00:59:48,084 --> 00:59:49,167
Thank you.
736
00:59:51,629 --> 00:59:54,256
But don't go away because
we might need you.
737
00:59:55,300 --> 00:59:58,427
I usually find that one nine suffices.
738
00:59:58,553 --> 01:00:01,680
And if it doesn't, I write a note.
739
01:00:01,806 --> 01:00:03,724
- A memorandum.
- Yes.
740
01:00:03,850 --> 01:00:05,934
Well, I suppose I could try that.
741
01:00:32,420 --> 01:00:36,840
And, if pressed, you know very well
I'll do the best I can to oblige.
742
01:00:36,966 --> 01:00:39,343
- You're so considerate.
- You're so imaginative.
743
01:00:39,469 --> 01:00:41,970
Well, I have to be for the two of us.
744
01:01:00,823 --> 01:01:03,617
Mind the juice doesn't stain the sofa.
745
01:01:07,330 --> 01:01:09,081
Show me your tongue.
746
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:13,669
Just as I thought, it's yellow.
747
01:01:13,795 --> 01:01:16,713
- Does that mean I'm unwell.
- What do you think?
748
01:01:16,839 --> 01:01:19,091
A little colouring goes a long way.
749
01:01:19,175 --> 01:01:21,843
Artificial colouring can be dangerous.
750
01:01:21,969 --> 01:01:24,137
So can too much abstinence.
751
01:01:40,196 --> 01:01:41,488
Hardy.
752
01:01:43,783 --> 01:01:45,701
Now I need warming up.
753
01:01:50,289 --> 01:01:52,624
My mother says
754
01:01:52,750 --> 01:01:55,502
that hot tea on a hot day
755
01:01:55,628 --> 01:01:58,547
can make a body feel very cool.
756
01:01:58,673 --> 01:02:01,466
You're about to make some tea?
757
01:02:01,592 --> 01:02:06,555
I'm not that thirsty.
758
01:02:14,147 --> 01:02:16,606
What does your mother say about swimming?
759
01:02:18,234 --> 01:02:19,860
Reading between the lines,
760
01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:22,028
I'd say she's made at least
one public statement
761
01:02:22,155 --> 01:02:23,697
about bodies in water.
762
01:02:23,823 --> 01:02:25,907
You Colpitts women always have
a lot of trouble with men.
763
01:02:26,033 --> 01:02:27,242
Why do you think that is?
764
01:02:27,827 --> 01:02:29,244
I'll leave you to think about that.
765
01:02:29,370 --> 01:02:32,080
Oh, I always think much better in the bath.
766
01:02:32,206 --> 01:02:35,041
I wonder if it was the same with Jake?
767
01:02:35,168 --> 01:02:38,044
I don't think Jake
was much of a thinking man.
768
01:02:39,380 --> 01:02:40,797
I'm going for a swim.
769
01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,050
Hope you drown.
770
01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:46,052
Thank you.
771
01:02:46,179 --> 01:02:48,054
You can look after the typewriter.
772
01:02:52,769 --> 01:02:54,895
Bugger your typewriter!
773
01:03:48,407 --> 01:03:50,617
K... I... S... S...
774
01:03:51,619 --> 01:03:53,078
M... E...
775
01:03:53,204 --> 01:03:55,413
H... A... R... D.
776
01:04:23,734 --> 01:04:26,486
Stupid bloody idiot.
777
01:04:45,047 --> 01:04:46,715
Help!
778
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:55,891
Help me!
779
01:05:22,877 --> 01:05:24,127
What's the matter?
780
01:05:24,253 --> 01:05:25,712
My stomach.
781
01:05:30,968 --> 01:05:34,512
Don't fool around.
Just get me out.
782
01:05:34,639 --> 01:05:37,307
I've just ruined your very best typewriter.
783
01:05:37,433 --> 01:05:38,433
You what?
784
01:05:38,559 --> 01:05:41,937
And now I'm going to do
my best to drown you.
785
01:05:42,063 --> 01:05:43,730
The Colpitts prerogative.
786
01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:52,030
You're so stubborn,
you won't sink.
787
01:05:55,910 --> 01:05:59,079
Get me out, for God's sake.
788
01:05:59,205 --> 01:06:00,413
Get me out.
789
01:06:00,539 --> 01:06:02,707
Do you think I can pull it off?
790
01:06:02,833 --> 01:06:04,459
Start drowning, you dope.
791
01:06:04,585 --> 01:06:06,586
You haven't a chance.
792
01:06:12,176 --> 01:06:16,137
That was a preliminary.
Here comes the real attempt.
793
01:06:26,482 --> 01:06:28,984
It must be your money
that keeps you afloat.
794
01:06:29,110 --> 01:06:31,027
You and your belly are stubborn.
795
01:06:31,153 --> 01:06:34,197
Please! I can't move my legs!
796
01:06:50,506 --> 01:06:52,173
Help!
797
01:06:52,299 --> 01:06:54,592
Help, please!
798
01:06:58,723 --> 01:07:00,098
Help!
799
01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:06,104
Leave me now.
800
01:07:08,524 --> 01:07:10,734
I want to be alone with him.
801
01:07:10,860 --> 01:07:12,152
We can't leave you.
802
01:07:12,278 --> 01:07:14,612
Yes, you can. He's my husband.
803
01:07:14,739 --> 01:07:16,031
Where is your phone?
804
01:07:18,868 --> 01:07:21,870
Oh, it's all right.
You must let me phone the police.
805
01:07:24,248 --> 01:07:25,790
Or the ambulance.
806
01:07:28,377 --> 01:07:30,378
Or the fire brigade.
807
01:07:33,382 --> 01:07:35,091
And the coroner.
808
01:07:36,969 --> 01:07:38,803
Are you sure you're going
to be all right?
809
01:07:38,929 --> 01:07:41,765
If you want a witness,
our name is Van Dyke.
810
01:07:44,101 --> 01:07:46,227
All right. Thank you.
811
01:07:48,689 --> 01:07:52,358
Mr 70 and Mr 71 Van Dyke.
812
01:09:20,781 --> 01:09:22,282
Smut, go and get the tea.
813
01:09:24,785 --> 01:09:27,579
You women are getting
too proficient at this.
814
01:09:27,663 --> 01:09:29,372
We aim to please the coroner.
815
01:09:29,498 --> 01:09:31,875
The body is already undressed.
816
01:09:32,001 --> 01:09:35,253
I did not imagine he went swimming
with his clothes on.
817
01:09:35,379 --> 01:09:37,463
Doesn't it make it easier for you?
818
01:09:37,590 --> 01:09:40,049
Nothing you do makes it easier for me.
819
01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:43,052
You've got to stop.
820
01:09:44,346 --> 01:09:48,099
One is just possible,
two is very unlikely.
821
01:09:49,894 --> 01:09:52,562
You have no prerogative on drowning.
822
01:09:52,688 --> 01:09:55,064
The coroner's office is inviolate.
823
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:56,399
What?
824
01:09:56,525 --> 01:09:58,526
- Not violate.
- Yeah, of course it's not.
825
01:09:58,652 --> 01:10:00,570
Don't be so melodramatic, Madgett.
826
01:10:00,696 --> 01:10:02,030
I feel ill.
827
01:10:02,156 --> 01:10:04,908
Why do you always feel ill
at times like this?
828
01:10:05,034 --> 01:10:08,077
It's the excitement.
It goes to my stomach.
829
01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:11,331
I'd have thought
you'd have got over that by now.
830
01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:13,875
It's only with special cases.
831
01:10:14,001 --> 01:10:15,668
What special cases?
832
01:10:15,794 --> 01:10:17,253
Drownings?
833
01:10:17,379 --> 01:10:19,464
Yes, and women.
834
01:10:19,590 --> 01:10:20,673
Women?
835
01:10:20,799 --> 01:10:24,177
Yes, and personal involvements.
836
01:10:24,303 --> 01:10:26,179
Haven't you heard of coincidence?
837
01:10:26,305 --> 01:10:28,097
I've heard of it.
838
01:10:28,224 --> 01:10:29,974
Doesn't it appeal to you?
839
01:10:30,100 --> 01:10:34,896
Only as an idea,
not as a police enquiry.
840
01:10:36,690 --> 01:10:37,732
Cissie.
841
01:10:38,817 --> 01:10:40,526
Where did it happen?
842
01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:41,861
On the beach.
843
01:10:41,987 --> 01:10:44,489
Could you say where exactly on the beach?
844
01:10:44,615 --> 01:10:47,200
Oh, it's covered now with the tide.
845
01:10:47,326 --> 01:10:49,869
Smut, you haven't brought
your red paint?
846
01:10:49,995 --> 01:10:54,415
No, Cissie. Today's Tuesday,
Tuesday's colour is yellow.
847
01:10:56,543 --> 01:11:00,380
I am bound to say that
I could try and revive him.
848
01:11:00,506 --> 01:11:02,215
Even now, it has been known...
849
01:11:02,341 --> 01:11:05,760
Don't be stupid, Madgett,
and don't try.
850
01:11:05,886 --> 01:11:08,513
The man's name is Hardy, not Lazarus.
851
01:11:09,890 --> 01:11:15,186
Now, let us turn to page 72.
John 11, verse 23.
852
01:11:16,897 --> 01:11:19,315
Jesus saith unto her,
853
01:11:19,441 --> 01:11:22,277
"Thy brother shall rise again."
854
01:11:22,403 --> 01:11:23,778
Martha saith unto him,
855
01:11:23,904 --> 01:11:30,159
"I know that he shall rise again
in the resurrection at the last day."
856
01:11:30,286 --> 01:11:34,622
Jesus said unto her,
"I am the resurrection..."
857
01:11:53,559 --> 01:11:56,602
Here. I shouldn't take it too seriously.
858
01:11:56,729 --> 01:12:00,982
A great many things are dying
very violently all the time.
859
01:12:01,108 --> 01:12:02,984
Ask Smut.
860
01:12:03,110 --> 01:12:05,653
Small comfort, Madgett.
861
01:12:05,779 --> 01:12:09,115
On the contrary,
I'd say a great relief.
862
01:12:10,242 --> 01:12:13,786
Well, I'd rather be alive and alone
than dead in company.
863
01:12:20,044 --> 01:12:21,336
What are you doing that for?
864
01:12:21,462 --> 01:12:24,339
Smut. He quite liked Hardy...
865
01:12:24,465 --> 01:12:27,383
and there's been a robbery
at the fireworks factory.
866
01:12:34,141 --> 01:12:36,017
Water!
867
01:13:01,168 --> 01:13:03,169
Hail Mary!
868
01:13:03,295 --> 01:13:05,963
- Bloody hell, Madgett!
- Cissie!
869
01:13:06,090 --> 01:13:08,758
Oh, God.
There's those two runners from the beach.
870
01:13:08,884 --> 01:13:10,093
And Nancy.
871
01:13:10,219 --> 01:13:12,428
Hardy's mother, Jake's cousins.
872
01:13:12,554 --> 01:13:14,639
I wonder what they're planning now?
873
01:13:15,891 --> 01:13:18,267
It's one conspiracy against another.
874
01:13:18,394 --> 01:13:23,564
Yours against theirs.
Yours to drown. Theirs to prosecute.
875
01:13:23,690 --> 01:13:27,610
Bloody hell. There's Bellamy,
and he hates funerals.
876
01:13:27,736 --> 01:13:29,612
I'm going to find out what he's doing.
877
01:13:29,738 --> 01:13:32,532
No, don't do that.
Drive on, Madgett.
878
01:13:32,658 --> 01:13:34,450
We don't want to get
into a lot of arguments
879
01:13:34,576 --> 01:13:36,285
with all this water over our heads.
880
01:13:46,213 --> 01:13:48,339
Then this woman tipped a bowl of sugar
881
01:13:48,465 --> 01:13:51,092
and a bottle of lemonade
over his typewriter.
882
01:13:51,218 --> 01:13:54,387
He went for a swim in the sea and,
because he had eaten too much,
883
01:13:54,513 --> 01:13:57,014
he got stomach cramps and drowned.
884
01:13:57,141 --> 01:13:59,851
She gave him the kiss of life
but it didn't work.
885
01:13:59,935 --> 01:14:01,352
She knew it wouldn't.
886
01:14:01,478 --> 01:14:04,397
She cut all his hair of
with a pair of blunt scissors,
887
01:14:04,523 --> 01:14:06,190
just like Delilah.
888
01:14:06,316 --> 01:14:08,484
This game's called hangman's cricket.
889
01:14:08,610 --> 01:14:10,153
What's that about hangmen?
890
01:14:10,279 --> 01:14:13,948
It's a game of cricket.
You really need 75 players.
891
01:14:14,116 --> 01:14:16,868
Six sides of 12 and three umpires.
892
01:14:21,707 --> 01:14:24,083
- Have you got any more of these?
- Hundreds.
893
01:14:27,337 --> 01:14:29,797
- Where do they come from?
- I've taken them.
894
01:14:29,923 --> 01:14:33,426
You've taken them?
I don't believe you.
895
01:14:43,979 --> 01:14:46,063
- What was all that about?
- Nothing,
896
01:14:46,190 --> 01:14:47,732
he's a friend of my mothers.
897
01:14:47,858 --> 01:14:50,526
- I'm going to another party tonight.
- Where?
898
01:14:50,652 --> 01:14:53,321
A dance hall over-looking the sea, with lights.
899
01:14:53,447 --> 01:14:55,698
We'd have crab paste,
sprats in batter
900
01:14:55,824 --> 01:14:57,783
and be sick in airline bags.
901
01:14:57,910 --> 01:15:00,912
We're each going to be given a black rabbit
as a going-home present.
902
01:15:04,458 --> 01:15:08,252
How come a non-swimmer belongs
to a water tower conspiracy, Bellamy?
903
01:15:08,378 --> 01:15:11,756
- What?
- A water tower conspiracy.
904
01:15:11,882 --> 01:15:13,841
- You've noticed?
- Come on!
905
01:15:13,967 --> 01:15:15,593
It's just a convenient place to meet.
906
01:15:15,719 --> 01:15:17,970
What, and is there a subscription list?
907
01:15:18,096 --> 01:15:19,514
Yes.
908
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:22,683
All those that think the Colpitts deaths
are not accidental.
909
01:15:22,809 --> 01:15:24,227
I guessed that much.
910
01:15:24,353 --> 01:15:26,020
What do you intend doing about it?
911
01:15:26,188 --> 01:15:28,564
For a start, get Madgett investigated.
912
01:15:28,690 --> 01:15:32,193
That sounds businesslike.
Are you going to alert the Water Board?
913
01:15:40,452 --> 01:15:43,329
- Poor cows.
- Bloody hell.
914
01:15:43,455 --> 01:15:45,164
This is no blood, it's red paint!
915
01:15:45,290 --> 01:15:47,458
That little ghoul's been here already!
916
01:15:47,584 --> 01:15:49,377
I thought I could smell gun powder.
917
01:15:49,503 --> 01:15:51,337
I thought it was the smell of death.
918
01:15:51,463 --> 01:15:52,964
It's too early for that yet.
919
01:15:53,048 --> 01:15:56,551
Bellamy, this conspiracy of yours.
920
01:15:56,677 --> 01:15:58,761
Do you regard me as an accessory?
921
01:15:58,887 --> 01:16:01,430
Cos if I am,
I better get rid of you quick.
922
01:16:01,557 --> 01:16:03,224
I'd like to see you try.
923
01:16:04,893 --> 01:16:10,439
I don't think you're allowed
to screw your wife in prison,
924
01:16:10,566 --> 01:16:14,694
so I suggest that
if you are seriously thinking of it...
925
01:16:14,820 --> 01:16:18,072
you make good use of my free time now.
926
01:16:19,533 --> 01:16:22,410
- Kiss my backside.
- No.
927
01:16:22,536 --> 01:16:25,246
- Not here, you fool!
- Why not?
928
01:16:59,698 --> 01:17:01,824
All right, Smut, try the hawthorns.
929
01:17:24,473 --> 01:17:26,432
Well, Cissie,
930
01:17:26,558 --> 01:17:27,808
will you marry me?
931
01:17:30,228 --> 01:17:32,146
No, Madgett.
932
01:17:32,272 --> 01:17:34,315
I could never marry a coroner.
933
01:17:35,442 --> 01:17:38,110
I could never be sure
that you'd washed your hands.
934
01:17:40,447 --> 01:17:42,573
Besides, how could I trust
a game-player?
935
01:17:42,699 --> 01:17:46,786
I'm not playing games
at this particular moment.
936
01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:49,538
Well, you're far more entertaining
when you are, Madgett.
937
01:17:52,417 --> 01:17:56,629
Besides, you're far more valuable
to me as a friend
938
01:17:56,755 --> 01:17:58,172
than a coroner.
939
01:17:58,298 --> 01:17:59,382
How about...
940
01:18:00,592 --> 01:18:01,967
as a lover?
941
01:18:04,304 --> 01:18:06,681
Well,
942
01:18:06,807 --> 01:18:09,767
I admit to drowning Hardy,
943
01:18:09,893 --> 01:18:13,354
possibly for not being
a satisfactory lover.
944
01:18:14,773 --> 01:18:17,441
And, give or take an inch,
you could get into his trousers,
945
01:18:17,567 --> 01:18:20,945
but I don't think I drowned him
so that you could get into his bed.
946
01:18:23,907 --> 01:18:26,409
Cissie is looking for a father figure.
947
01:18:27,828 --> 01:18:29,412
But much as I dislike Bellamy,
948
01:18:29,538 --> 01:18:32,498
don't go getting ideas, remember?
You're a coroner.
949
01:18:32,624 --> 01:18:36,127
All coroners see are corpses.
950
01:18:36,211 --> 01:18:38,212
Well, they won't reject you.
951
01:18:40,424 --> 01:18:44,427
Tell me, Madgett, have you ever fallen in love
with one of your corpses?
952
01:18:44,553 --> 01:18:46,679
Yes, several.
953
01:18:48,932 --> 01:18:50,307
Did you ever...
954
01:18:51,768 --> 01:18:53,018
do anything?
955
01:18:55,230 --> 01:18:59,775
I once kissed an old lady of 82...
956
01:18:59,901 --> 01:19:01,819
on the forehead.
957
01:19:01,945 --> 01:19:03,821
She was twice my age.
958
01:19:04,906 --> 01:19:08,075
Is that all?
Was she the only one?
959
01:19:09,745 --> 01:19:11,871
No, but I'm not saying any more.
960
01:19:11,997 --> 01:19:13,497
Oh, really, Madgett!
961
01:19:14,833 --> 01:19:16,125
Tell me.
962
01:19:17,711 --> 01:19:20,171
I once sat up all night
963
01:19:20,255 --> 01:19:24,508
with a young girl
who had been run over by cows.
964
01:19:24,634 --> 01:19:29,096
There wasn't a mark on her
but her skull was fractured.
965
01:19:29,222 --> 01:19:31,766
She was 19.
966
01:19:31,892 --> 01:19:35,686
She had blonde hair
and bright blue eyes.
967
01:19:36,855 --> 01:19:39,190
If she was dead,
how could you see the colour of her eyes?
968
01:19:39,274 --> 01:19:43,194
Ah, well, that was the problem.
I couldn't bring myself to close them.
969
01:19:43,278 --> 01:19:45,905
They were beautiful.
970
01:19:46,031 --> 01:19:47,156
So what did you do?
971
01:19:47,282 --> 01:19:50,201
I sat next to her
and held her hand...
972
01:19:50,285 --> 01:19:54,872
and I'm not saying any more
but I wasn't invited to the funeral.
973
01:19:54,998 --> 01:19:59,126
Well, I tell you what,
you can come to mine.
974
01:19:59,252 --> 01:20:02,671
I'm inviting you now, and...
975
01:20:02,798 --> 01:20:07,218
I don't mind, on the whole,
if you take a few liberties.
976
01:20:08,595 --> 01:20:10,763
As long as they're not too gross.
977
01:20:11,890 --> 01:20:15,392
In fact, if I was very old,
I'd probably be flattered.
978
01:20:15,519 --> 01:20:19,897
I would prefer to be encouraged
to take liberties now.
979
01:20:20,023 --> 01:20:22,858
Well, I certainly don't feel like it
at the moment.
980
01:20:23,735 --> 01:20:25,152
Cissie,
981
01:20:25,278 --> 01:20:29,323
my reputation is at stake,
thanks to you and your mother
982
01:20:29,491 --> 01:20:33,077
and I'm quite sure that Smut
would not want a father
983
01:20:33,203 --> 01:20:34,620
who's an accomplice to murder.
984
01:20:35,622 --> 01:20:37,456
He understands.
985
01:20:37,582 --> 01:20:39,291
Understands what?
986
01:20:39,417 --> 01:20:41,836
That coroners need corpses.
987
01:20:43,129 --> 01:20:45,297
Like grave diggers need corpses.
988
01:20:46,258 --> 01:20:49,677
You notice how Sid follows him around
like a black shadow?
989
01:20:49,803 --> 01:20:52,471
Sid's known him since he was a baby.
990
01:20:52,597 --> 01:20:55,766
He's certainly going to be
very interesting when he grows up.
991
01:20:55,892 --> 01:20:59,520
Yes, I've noticed how you're all
so very fond of kissing him.
992
01:21:02,357 --> 01:21:03,858
Where has he gone?
993
01:21:03,984 --> 01:21:06,277
He's probably sloped off home.
994
01:21:08,238 --> 01:21:09,947
We must go blackberrying.
995
01:21:11,491 --> 01:21:13,659
You could come with us.
996
01:21:13,785 --> 01:21:15,953
No, thank you.
997
01:21:16,079 --> 01:21:18,455
Smut'll need to count them
and his counting
998
01:21:18,582 --> 01:21:20,082
drives me up the wall.
999
01:21:21,585 --> 01:21:22,626
Smut!
1000
01:21:24,588 --> 01:21:25,629
Smut?
1001
01:21:27,799 --> 01:21:29,049
Smut, are you in?
1002
01:21:29,175 --> 01:21:31,635
His light's on.
He's probably asleep.
1003
01:21:38,852 --> 01:21:42,104
I wonder if he's caught anything.
1004
01:21:42,230 --> 01:21:44,315
Look. Look.
1005
01:21:52,741 --> 01:21:54,700
My God, Smut!
1006
01:21:56,536 --> 01:21:58,412
He's circumcised himself.
1007
01:22:03,376 --> 01:22:05,336
Call a doctor.
1008
01:22:05,420 --> 01:22:06,587
I can't look.
1009
01:22:08,673 --> 01:22:12,676
Smut? Smut!
1010
01:22:12,802 --> 01:22:14,511
What did you do it with?
1011
01:22:14,638 --> 01:22:18,307
It's all right, Cissie.
I sterilised the scissors.
1012
01:22:18,433 --> 01:22:19,558
Scissors?!
1013
01:22:20,435 --> 01:22:21,435
Splash!
1014
01:22:32,155 --> 01:22:33,322
It's not funny.
1015
01:22:36,534 --> 01:22:41,789
Stop striking about in the water
like a stranded fish.
1016
01:22:41,915 --> 01:22:43,958
Use your legs, Bellamy!
1017
01:22:44,084 --> 01:22:46,752
You're just here to make fun of me.
I'm giving up.
1018
01:22:46,878 --> 01:22:49,546
No, don't. Come on, let's try a length.
Take your floats off.
1019
01:22:49,673 --> 01:22:51,882
No, I'm not ready yet.
1020
01:22:52,008 --> 01:22:55,219
Yes, you are. Come here.
1021
01:23:06,314 --> 01:23:07,940
Don't.
1022
01:23:08,066 --> 01:23:09,274
Someone might come in.
1023
01:23:09,401 --> 01:23:11,568
You said we had the place to ourselves.
1024
01:23:11,695 --> 01:23:13,278
That's what we agreed on.
1025
01:23:13,405 --> 01:23:17,074
Frightened of being seen
wallowing in the water like a baby?
1026
01:23:19,703 --> 01:23:20,744
Come here.
1027
01:23:33,008 --> 01:23:36,510
You are getting more confident in water.
1028
01:23:36,636 --> 01:23:38,595
Take your costume off.
1029
01:23:38,722 --> 01:23:43,517
Don't worry. I've locked the doors.
Here's the key, look.
1030
01:24:27,062 --> 01:24:28,854
Hey. Give me the belt.
1031
01:24:35,445 --> 01:24:36,570
Give me the belt.
1032
01:24:38,531 --> 01:24:39,782
Give...
1033
01:24:43,203 --> 01:24:44,661
No!
1034
01:25:20,615 --> 01:25:23,325
... what a magnificent throw.
1035
01:25:23,451 --> 01:25:25,244
86.
1036
01:26:47,410 --> 01:26:49,411
Madgett!
1037
01:27:00,256 --> 01:27:01,715
Madgett!
1038
01:27:04,260 --> 01:27:07,638
Oh, Madgett. Madgett,
what the devil are you doing here?
1039
01:27:07,722 --> 01:27:08,931
Picking blackberries.
1040
01:27:09,057 --> 01:27:10,891
We've been looking everywhere for you.
1041
01:27:11,017 --> 01:27:14,853
Well, we've been picking blackberries.
1042
01:27:14,979 --> 01:27:17,981
Vitamin C is very good for eunuchs.
1043
01:27:18,107 --> 01:27:19,191
Eunuchs?
1044
01:27:19,317 --> 01:27:22,736
Yes, well, I don't use mine,
1045
01:27:22,904 --> 01:27:25,155
and Smut can't use his for the moment.
1046
01:27:25,281 --> 01:27:26,740
Madgett, are you drunk?
1047
01:27:28,159 --> 01:27:30,661
You can't get drunk on blackberries,
can you?
1048
01:27:30,745 --> 01:27:32,246
- You smell.
- I do.
1049
01:27:32,372 --> 01:27:36,458
Well, I haven't had a bath since Monday.
1050
01:27:36,584 --> 01:27:38,585
Well, you couldn't say that about Bellamy.
1051
01:27:38,711 --> 01:27:42,631
Oh, yes, he's been bathing too, has he?
1052
01:27:44,133 --> 01:27:46,510
Perhaps drinking it a little?
1053
01:27:47,512 --> 01:27:51,974
Maybe with a bit of chlorine in it?
1054
01:27:52,100 --> 01:27:56,186
And drinking enough perhaps
to put out a fire like this?
1055
01:27:56,312 --> 01:27:57,896
How did you know?
1056
01:27:58,022 --> 01:28:00,899
Drownings like most things
come in threes.
1057
01:28:01,025 --> 01:28:02,109
Oh, do they?
1058
01:28:02,235 --> 01:28:04,569
You're sinister.
1059
01:28:04,696 --> 01:28:06,363
I'm sinister?
1060
01:28:10,243 --> 01:28:12,286
Oh, Smut!
1061
01:28:12,412 --> 01:28:13,745
What's dead now?
1062
01:28:13,830 --> 01:28:15,455
Just about everything.
1063
01:28:15,581 --> 01:28:18,041
Just about everything in this field,
I should think.
1064
01:28:36,269 --> 01:28:37,811
Hey,
1065
01:28:37,979 --> 01:28:41,523
there's Jonah and Moses,
Jake's cousins.
1066
01:28:41,649 --> 01:28:42,941
I didn't know they were keen runners.
1067
01:28:43,067 --> 01:28:44,860
Good lord, there's Nancy.
1068
01:28:51,868 --> 01:28:53,535
What's all this running for?
1069
01:28:53,661 --> 01:28:55,245
Why have you stopped?
1070
01:28:55,371 --> 01:28:57,831
I've had enough.
I'm not helping any more.
1071
01:28:57,999 --> 01:29:00,417
- You must.
- Why? Why must I do it?
1072
01:29:00,543 --> 01:29:03,003
Madgett, you're up to your neck in this.
1073
01:29:12,597 --> 01:29:15,557
It didn't take you long
to drown your husband, did it?
1074
01:29:15,683 --> 01:29:19,269
Three weeks.
Will they give me bail?
1075
01:29:19,395 --> 01:29:21,563
Well, you only had one husband,
1076
01:29:21,689 --> 01:29:24,608
so you can't drown another,
so they might.
1077
01:29:24,734 --> 01:29:27,235
Do they have swimming pools in prison?
1078
01:29:29,447 --> 01:29:30,822
Unlikely.
1079
01:29:32,158 --> 01:29:34,368
How come you only
gave him three weeks?
1080
01:29:34,494 --> 01:29:36,787
I was disappointed.
1081
01:29:36,871 --> 01:29:38,455
I don't really understand
1082
01:29:38,581 --> 01:29:41,917
what you had to find out
that you didn't know before.
1083
01:29:42,085 --> 01:29:44,086
That was mainly it.
1084
01:29:44,212 --> 01:29:46,838
I don't understand why you had
to do it at all.
1085
01:29:46,923 --> 01:29:50,884
Loyalty, you dope.
And I got what I wanted.
1086
01:29:51,010 --> 01:29:52,052
Loyalty?
1087
01:29:53,429 --> 01:29:55,013
I'm going to be sick.
1088
01:29:57,350 --> 01:29:59,851
What do you mean
you got what you wanted?
1089
01:29:59,936 --> 01:30:04,231
Madgett, can I speak here
or do you want to come outside?
1090
01:30:04,357 --> 01:30:05,941
You can speak here.
1091
01:30:07,026 --> 01:30:09,277
You have your permission. Go ahead.
1092
01:30:09,404 --> 01:30:12,906
Well, we went looking for you
at your house.
1093
01:30:13,032 --> 01:30:14,366
We found these.
1094
01:30:16,035 --> 01:30:19,871
Then we discovered some more
in a house on Amsterdam Road.
1095
01:30:20,915 --> 01:30:24,543
And let's say, we obtained some
from another source.
1096
01:30:25,753 --> 01:30:28,046
Perhaps you'd like to talk about them?
1097
01:30:29,132 --> 01:30:30,799
What do you want me to say?
1098
01:30:30,925 --> 01:30:33,677
To a casual eye,
they could be suspicious.
1099
01:30:34,679 --> 01:30:37,722
Could they?
Cissie, look at these.
1100
01:30:39,350 --> 01:30:43,520
It's Smut.
He's put on a lot of weight in a month.
1101
01:30:43,646 --> 01:30:45,647
These are good, aren't they?
1102
01:30:46,899 --> 01:30:48,275
How did he do it?
1103
01:30:48,401 --> 01:30:49,985
And a hospital report.
1104
01:30:51,154 --> 01:30:52,654
I believe your son was taken in
1105
01:30:52,780 --> 01:30:55,615
for what can only be described
as sexual mutilation.
1106
01:30:58,995 --> 01:31:01,455
You better ask Smut about that.
1107
01:31:01,581 --> 01:31:04,624
You better know, Madgett,
you're under investigation.
1108
01:31:05,710 --> 01:31:07,085
Whatever for?
1109
01:31:07,211 --> 01:31:10,672
For procuring pornography
and maybe child abuse.
1110
01:31:12,258 --> 01:31:15,302
Why don't you throw in
a little light necrophilia as well?
1111
01:31:15,428 --> 01:31:19,181
You see, Madgett, I told you.
Smut'll get you in the end.
1112
01:31:19,307 --> 01:31:21,391
We're here to discuss my husband
1113
01:31:21,517 --> 01:31:23,727
and not the family photographs.
1114
01:31:35,615 --> 01:31:39,910
He could so easily have changed the bulb.
1115
01:31:39,994 --> 01:31:42,204
Here, this might help.
1116
01:31:44,624 --> 01:31:46,041
Thank you, Smut.
1117
01:31:48,920 --> 01:31:51,004
I like his feet.
1118
01:31:51,172 --> 01:31:53,340
Thank you, Cissie.
1119
01:31:53,466 --> 01:31:55,383
I like his shoulders.
1120
01:31:55,510 --> 01:31:56,760
Thank you, Cissie.
1121
01:31:57,929 --> 01:31:59,012
What do you like?
1122
01:31:59,138 --> 01:32:01,681
I like a natural death.
1123
01:32:01,807 --> 01:32:03,642
Is any death natural?
1124
01:32:06,979 --> 01:32:09,022
I liked his bollocks.
1125
01:32:16,822 --> 01:32:20,283
Are widows eligible for the Olympic Games?
1126
01:32:26,082 --> 01:32:29,334
What on earth do you keep
all these sheep for?
1127
01:32:29,460 --> 01:32:31,378
I keep them for emergencies.
1128
01:32:31,504 --> 01:32:33,463
What emergencies?
1129
01:32:33,589 --> 01:32:35,173
Sleepless nights.
1130
01:32:37,093 --> 01:32:38,677
I count best at night.
1131
01:32:38,803 --> 01:32:41,680
We all count best at night.
1132
01:32:41,806 --> 01:32:46,226
That's it, Smut. Not an inch further
or I'll shake you out of that tree.
1133
01:32:46,978 --> 01:32:48,186
What's he doing?
1134
01:32:48,312 --> 01:32:50,939
- He's counting the leaves.
- Whatever for?
1135
01:32:51,857 --> 01:32:53,984
Have you never wondered
how many leaves there are on a tree?
1136
01:32:54,068 --> 01:32:55,193
Never.
1137
01:32:55,319 --> 01:32:58,029
- Or fish in the sea?
- Nope.
1138
01:32:58,114 --> 01:32:59,739
Or hairs on your head?
1139
01:32:59,865 --> 01:33:01,241
No.
1140
01:33:03,035 --> 01:33:06,705
On Saturday, we'll put the ashes
in the sea.
1141
01:33:06,831 --> 01:33:09,082
Or rather the river.
1142
01:33:09,208 --> 01:33:12,085
You, Madgett, can be a witness.
1143
01:33:12,253 --> 01:33:13,837
What do you want a witness for?
1144
01:33:13,963 --> 01:33:16,214
To make sure we do it correctly, of course.
1145
01:33:17,216 --> 01:33:19,593
- Isn't it illegal?
- No!
1146
01:33:43,701 --> 01:33:46,953
We're all together here.
No need for secrecy.
1147
01:33:47,079 --> 01:33:49,539
What on earth made you choose this place?
1148
01:33:49,665 --> 01:33:50,999
I thought the water tower
1149
01:33:51,125 --> 01:33:53,001
would mean we could keep them
under surveillance.
1150
01:33:53,127 --> 01:33:56,379
- Who officially invited them?
- They invited themselves.
1151
01:33:56,505 --> 01:33:59,883
Are you sure Madgett didn't say something?
1152
01:34:05,139 --> 01:34:08,183
And there's the pyrotechnical expert.
1153
01:34:08,351 --> 01:34:11,853
It just won't light.
It's too damp.
1154
01:34:11,979 --> 01:34:16,066
It's not surprising.
Bellamy was pretty wet out of the water.
1155
01:34:21,197 --> 01:34:22,906
What's that smell?
1156
01:34:29,163 --> 01:34:32,582
- That man has a nose for a corpse.
- His son is quicker.
1157
01:34:32,708 --> 01:34:34,084
What are they?
1158
01:34:39,757 --> 01:34:41,841
You know you've got yours
coming to you, don't you?
1159
01:34:41,967 --> 01:34:42,717
What?
1160
01:34:42,843 --> 01:34:45,303
An invitation to that field near Brough.
1161
01:34:45,429 --> 01:34:47,972
Which is surrounded
by that thick hedge.
1162
01:34:48,099 --> 01:34:52,185
Where Smut is sent to catch moths
and never returns with any.
1163
01:34:54,021 --> 01:34:55,855
Madgett's harmless.
1164
01:34:55,981 --> 01:34:58,900
He's really only interested in games
and chocolate pudding.
1165
01:35:00,236 --> 01:35:04,406
- I wouldn't mind.
- What wouldn't you mind?
1166
01:35:04,532 --> 01:35:06,616
It would be like sleeping
with your uncle.
1167
01:35:08,077 --> 01:35:09,869
It would be like bribing the referee.
1168
01:35:09,995 --> 01:35:12,455
- What would?
- More than a referee.
1169
01:35:12,581 --> 01:35:16,459
Poor Madgett. It's like the story
of Billy Goat Gruff.
1170
01:35:16,585 --> 01:35:18,044
What is?
1171
01:35:18,170 --> 01:35:22,090
Well, with Madgett
as the goblin under the bridge.
1172
01:35:23,342 --> 01:35:27,011
Do you think the grass
is really greener across the stream?
1173
01:35:27,138 --> 01:35:30,014
Without a doubt.
1174
01:35:30,141 --> 01:35:35,353
Hey, these are herring.
Do you think they're edible?
1175
01:35:37,481 --> 01:35:39,482
Well, now, Cissie, it's your turn.
1176
01:35:41,152 --> 01:35:43,403
I like his hands.
1177
01:35:43,529 --> 01:35:47,365
I might let him touch me
then I'll tell you all about it.
1178
01:35:47,491 --> 01:35:50,535
Well, you are the last in the line.
1179
01:35:50,661 --> 01:35:53,663
What if you were to be disappointed?
1180
01:35:53,789 --> 01:35:58,042
That might spoil it.
You better not go too far then.
1181
01:35:58,169 --> 01:36:01,004
If one of us were to make it with him,
1182
01:36:01,130 --> 01:36:04,048
surely it would exclude
the other two?
1183
01:36:04,175 --> 01:36:07,969
I doubt if Madgett could get it up
three times in an afternoon.
1184
01:36:08,095 --> 01:36:09,262
Cissie!
1185
01:36:14,059 --> 01:36:16,519
Madgett, we've been talking about you.
1186
01:36:17,730 --> 01:36:18,772
I know.
1187
01:36:22,151 --> 01:36:25,278
Could you get it up three times
in an afternoon, Madgett?
1188
01:36:27,198 --> 01:36:30,909
I'd like to try.
It depends who's asking.
1189
01:36:31,035 --> 01:36:33,077
Hey, look at these.
1190
01:36:33,204 --> 01:36:35,455
These fish are all numbered, look.
1191
01:36:35,581 --> 01:36:37,957
Smut, did you organise this?
1192
01:36:42,254 --> 01:36:46,007
Madgett, are you going to try
the same thing on me
1193
01:36:46,133 --> 01:36:48,218
as you tried on the others?
1194
01:36:48,302 --> 01:36:51,805
You don't think Bellamy drowned
to make way for you, do you?
1195
01:36:53,474 --> 01:36:55,809
- It's strange.
- What is?
1196
01:36:57,144 --> 01:37:00,605
How this field is synonymous with my failure.
1197
01:37:00,731 --> 01:37:01,940
Where's Smut?
1198
01:37:02,066 --> 01:37:03,733
Oh, he wouldn't come any more.
1199
01:37:03,859 --> 01:37:05,318
I don't blame him.
1200
01:37:08,656 --> 01:37:11,616
Three rebuffs in the same place -
1201
01:37:11,742 --> 01:37:13,117
that must be a record.
1202
01:37:13,244 --> 01:37:16,621
Sounds to me like you should
have more imagination.
1203
01:37:18,624 --> 01:37:21,960
Madgett, you can't swim, can you?
1204
01:37:22,086 --> 01:37:25,213
Anyway, I'm too young for you.
1205
01:37:26,549 --> 01:37:29,342
Suppose you're in a good position
to try blackmail.
1206
01:37:30,636 --> 01:37:33,721
You could put all three of us away
if you wanted to.
1207
01:37:33,848 --> 01:37:36,891
That's the last thing I want to do.
1208
01:37:37,017 --> 01:37:38,351
I believe you.
1209
01:37:41,355 --> 01:37:44,107
As you've had such bad luck
with the others...
1210
01:37:46,402 --> 01:37:48,736
I'll let you go a little of the way.
1211
01:37:51,407 --> 01:37:53,032
As compensation?
1212
01:37:54,410 --> 01:37:56,035
Put your hand here.
1213
01:37:59,582 --> 01:38:01,708
I've watched you watching me.
1214
01:38:02,751 --> 01:38:05,295
I've watched you watching all of us.
1215
01:38:07,047 --> 01:38:10,091
Do you think we're the same woman?
1216
01:38:10,217 --> 01:38:11,801
Sometimes I do.
1217
01:38:12,845 --> 01:38:15,013
Just because we've all got
the same name?
1218
01:38:15,139 --> 01:38:17,140
No, no.
1219
01:38:17,266 --> 01:38:18,558
Why then?
1220
01:38:21,937 --> 01:38:24,898
Because of your camaraderie.
1221
01:38:25,024 --> 01:38:26,691
Our what?
1222
01:38:26,817 --> 01:38:29,235
Your friendship for one another.
1223
01:38:30,279 --> 01:38:32,113
Do you know that I'm pregnant?
1224
01:38:35,034 --> 01:38:36,910
Was three weeks enough?
1225
01:38:37,036 --> 01:38:39,537
Madgett, don't be so innocent!
1226
01:38:39,663 --> 01:38:42,332
Three weeks was long enough
to legitimise.
1227
01:38:46,086 --> 01:38:48,087
You can kiss me here.
1228
01:38:52,092 --> 01:38:54,093
Will I taste anything?
1229
01:38:54,219 --> 01:38:55,803
Not yet, you dope.
1230
01:38:57,973 --> 01:39:00,266
Take the rest off.
1231
01:39:00,392 --> 01:39:02,977
No, Madgett, I'm a widow of 48 hours.
1232
01:39:03,103 --> 01:39:04,187
So?
1233
01:39:04,313 --> 01:39:06,731
Madgett, that's enough!
1234
01:39:06,857 --> 01:39:11,653
You must be satisfied with small services,
a little at a time.
1235
01:39:11,779 --> 01:39:12,862
Must I?
1236
01:39:14,406 --> 01:39:17,742
Was saving you from prison
a small service?
1237
01:39:17,868 --> 01:39:20,787
- It was death through misadventure.
- Was it?
1238
01:39:20,913 --> 01:39:23,748
There's a lot of people round here
don't think that way at all.
1239
01:39:23,874 --> 01:39:25,875
To hell with the others!
1240
01:39:26,001 --> 01:39:28,795
- You're deliberately provoking me.
- Am I?
1241
01:39:28,921 --> 01:39:30,296
Madgett!
1242
01:39:30,422 --> 01:39:32,256
Thank you for making me see reason.
1243
01:39:32,383 --> 01:39:34,717
- Reason? About what?
- About Bellamy.
1244
01:39:34,843 --> 01:39:36,386
That wasn't me, that was Cissie.
1245
01:39:36,470 --> 01:39:38,429
No, well, you made it possible.
1246
01:39:38,514 --> 01:39:39,764
Did I?
1247
01:39:39,890 --> 01:39:42,100
I knew when I married Bellamy.
1248
01:39:42,226 --> 01:39:46,688
With you around, when the time came,
I could drown him.
1249
01:39:48,023 --> 01:39:49,482
No.
1250
01:39:49,650 --> 01:39:52,485
Madgett, is this attempted rape?
1251
01:39:52,653 --> 01:39:54,153
You Colpitts women have used me.
1252
01:39:54,279 --> 01:39:56,823
Madgett, you're supposed to be harmless.
Pack it in!
1253
01:39:56,949 --> 01:39:58,491
You women have destroyed me!
1254
01:39:58,617 --> 01:40:00,493
Don't be so melodramatic!
1255
01:40:16,969 --> 01:40:18,886
The best days for violent deaths
1256
01:40:19,013 --> 01:40:21,222
are Tuesdays in the afternoon.
1257
01:40:21,348 --> 01:40:25,810
The safest time of all is Friday night.
Tonight, in fact.
1258
01:40:25,936 --> 01:40:27,854
Are you going to a party tonight?
1259
01:40:27,980 --> 01:40:29,689
Yes, on a boat.
1260
01:40:29,815 --> 01:40:32,191
We're to have pineapple fruit salad,
1261
01:40:32,317 --> 01:40:35,153
cheese with walnuts
and I'm going to dance.
1262
01:40:36,739 --> 01:40:39,866
Elsie, I love you.
1263
01:40:39,992 --> 01:40:42,744
- I've done what you asked me to do.
- What's that?
1264
01:40:42,870 --> 01:40:45,747
I circumcised myself.
Do you want to look?
1265
01:40:45,873 --> 01:40:47,540
No, thank you. Not today.
1266
01:40:51,378 --> 01:40:53,796
Smut, get in.
1267
01:40:53,922 --> 01:40:55,256
Bye.
1268
01:40:57,509 --> 01:40:59,427
One, Antares, two, Capella,
1269
01:40:59,553 --> 01:41:01,846
three, Canopus, four, Arcturus,
1270
01:41:01,972 --> 01:41:03,765
five, Agreetor, six, Anektor,
1271
01:41:03,891 --> 01:41:06,434
seven, Duendin, eight, Algenib,
1272
01:41:06,560 --> 01:41:08,978
nine, Agena, ten Lalandry,
1273
01:41:09,104 --> 01:41:10,938
11, Vega, 12, Golubin,
1274
01:41:11,065 --> 01:41:14,484
13, Spica, 14, Capra, 15, Acrab,
1275
01:41:14,568 --> 01:41:16,402
16, Deneb, 17...
1276
01:41:53,482 --> 01:41:55,274
Smut!
1277
01:41:56,652 --> 01:41:57,485
Smut!
1278
01:42:13,001 --> 01:42:14,669
Stick that one on the table.
1279
01:42:22,553 --> 01:42:25,930
- Well, what's the game today?
- Tug of War.
1280
01:42:27,099 --> 01:42:29,433
I hope you've recovered.
Don't look so miserable,
1281
01:42:29,560 --> 01:42:31,519
you were sorely provoked.
1282
01:42:31,645 --> 01:42:33,187
Who's going to play this game?
1283
01:42:33,313 --> 01:42:35,231
The good and the evil.
1284
01:42:35,357 --> 01:42:36,774
Who's good and who's evil?
1285
01:42:36,900 --> 01:42:38,526
It depends on how you look at it.
1286
01:42:38,652 --> 01:42:40,069
What are they playing for?
1287
01:42:40,195 --> 01:42:43,364
Me, and what's left of my reputation.
1288
01:42:43,490 --> 01:42:45,366
As a man or as a coroner?
1289
01:42:45,492 --> 01:42:49,328
Both. If they win, I give in.
1290
01:42:49,454 --> 01:42:50,705
If who wins?
1291
01:42:57,546 --> 01:43:00,214
Oh, God, Madgett,
did you invite them?
1292
01:43:05,929 --> 01:43:08,431
They have a nose for funerals.
1293
01:43:08,557 --> 01:43:10,683
There are seven of them.
1294
01:43:10,809 --> 01:43:12,727
Then we can't complain.
1295
01:43:13,979 --> 01:43:16,147
Madgett, what are you up to?
1296
01:43:16,273 --> 01:43:17,565
Well...
1297
01:43:17,691 --> 01:43:19,358
they ought to be here, didn't they?
1298
01:43:19,484 --> 01:43:23,154
You don't want to be accused
of secret burials, do you?
1299
01:43:23,280 --> 01:43:27,200
And since there are obviously
no rewards for me helping you,
1300
01:43:27,326 --> 01:43:29,744
I thought enough was enough.
1301
01:43:29,912 --> 01:43:34,624
I've arranged to let the outcome
hang on a game of wit and strength.
1302
01:43:34,708 --> 01:43:37,335
Come on, Madgett,
you'll never get them to play.
1303
01:43:37,461 --> 01:43:39,879
If the stakes are high enough they will.
1304
01:43:40,005 --> 01:43:42,506
Madgett, we're not letting you go
that easily.
1305
01:43:42,633 --> 01:43:44,342
Letting me go?
1306
01:43:44,468 --> 01:43:47,887
If I go, you go too.
1307
01:43:48,013 --> 01:43:49,889
Those are the stakes.
1308
01:43:50,015 --> 01:43:52,975
Madgett, we won't party to this.
1309
01:43:53,101 --> 01:43:54,644
Your game-playing is your business.
1310
01:43:54,728 --> 01:43:56,187
We're not playing games any more.
1311
01:43:56,313 --> 01:43:58,564
I've had enough of game-playing.
This is serious.
1312
01:44:00,025 --> 01:44:02,109
And besides, you're better playing games
than I am.
1313
01:44:02,236 --> 01:44:04,028
This game is very dangerous.
1314
01:44:04,154 --> 01:44:07,490
Haven't I told you?
All games are dangerous.
1315
01:44:07,616 --> 01:44:11,035
What games?
I thought we were here burying ashes.
1316
01:44:11,161 --> 01:44:13,454
I see you've got the grave digger with you.
1317
01:44:13,580 --> 01:44:15,289
Sid's going to row the boat, that's all.
1318
01:44:15,415 --> 01:44:16,958
The ashes are going on the river.
1319
01:44:17,084 --> 01:44:18,376
A nice provocative gesture.
1320
01:44:18,502 --> 01:44:22,880
We thought, as a fitting send-off,
we'd play a game.
1321
01:44:23,006 --> 01:44:24,257
- A game?
- What sort of game?
1322
01:44:24,383 --> 01:44:26,133
Watch him, he's always playing games.
1323
01:44:26,260 --> 01:44:28,010
Don't worry, Nancy,
we'll look after you.
1324
01:44:28,136 --> 01:44:29,762
Watch what you're saying to my sister!
1325
01:44:29,888 --> 01:44:30,721
Shut up!
1326
01:44:30,806 --> 01:44:32,723
We felt we owed you an explanation.
1327
01:44:32,808 --> 01:44:33,975
Shut up, Madgett.
1328
01:44:34,101 --> 01:44:37,103
An explanation?
You owe us more than a bloody explanation!
1329
01:44:37,229 --> 01:44:39,480
All right. We'll play your game.
1330
01:44:39,606 --> 01:44:43,734
We'll win easily and then we'll wrap the rope
around your neck, Madgett.
1331
01:44:44,152 --> 01:44:49,073
If you win, you get your explanation.
1332
01:44:49,199 --> 01:44:51,534
Right, come on.
1333
01:44:55,205 --> 01:44:59,041
The game of Tug of War
is played with as many people
1334
01:44:59,167 --> 01:45:01,919
as there is room for along the rope.
1335
01:45:02,045 --> 01:45:05,715
The sides need to be evenly matched
with weight and strength
1336
01:45:05,799 --> 01:45:08,426
to make it an interesting contest.
1337
01:45:08,552 --> 01:45:10,219
One, two, three, pull.
1338
01:45:12,139 --> 01:45:13,597
At an agreed signal.
1339
01:45:13,724 --> 01:45:17,601
each team tries to pull the other
over an agreed mark
1340
01:45:17,728 --> 01:45:20,229
or space, previously decided on.
1341
01:45:21,148 --> 01:45:25,568
Seven a side is an ideal number
of players for Tug of War.
1342
01:45:42,336 --> 01:45:44,086
Smut!
1343
01:45:44,212 --> 01:45:46,005
Smu-ut!
1344
01:45:49,009 --> 01:45:52,636
Oh, Smut, you let us down.
1345
01:45:52,763 --> 01:45:54,096
Quick! In the boat.
1346
01:45:54,222 --> 01:45:55,681
We've won!
1347
01:45:57,476 --> 01:46:01,354
Sid, Gregory, come on.
We've got to get Madgett into the boat.
1348
01:46:09,863 --> 01:46:12,531
Gregory, get the ashes in the boat.
1349
01:46:59,704 --> 01:47:01,831
There's a storm coming up, Madgett.
1350
01:47:01,915 --> 01:47:03,332
Can you swim?
1351
01:47:04,960 --> 01:47:06,710
I thought not.
1352
01:47:12,843 --> 01:47:15,928
The object of this game
is to dare to fall
1353
01:47:16,054 --> 01:47:17,888
with a noose round your neck
1354
01:47:17,973 --> 01:47:21,267
from a place officially
high enough off the ground
1355
01:47:21,393 --> 01:47:23,477
such that the fall will hang you.
1356
01:47:36,408 --> 01:47:40,244
The object of the game
is to punish those
1357
01:47:40,370 --> 01:47:42,580
who have caused great unhappiness...
1358
01:47:44,499 --> 01:47:46,459
by their selfish actions
1359
01:47:59,556 --> 01:48:02,308
This is the best game of all
1360
01:48:02,434 --> 01:48:06,228
because the winner is also the loser
1361
01:48:06,354 --> 01:48:11,025
and the judge's decision is always final.
1362
01:50:23,033 --> 01:50:27,536
What on earth is Smut celebrating?
We lost.
1363
01:50:27,662 --> 01:50:31,415
He arranged a little spectacle
for the scattering of the ashes.
1364
01:50:31,541 --> 01:50:32,916
Thoughtful boy.
1365
01:50:41,551 --> 01:50:44,845
Well, Madgett, how do you feel
about things now?
1366
01:50:47,140 --> 01:50:48,307
Just the same.
1367
01:50:49,517 --> 01:50:51,435
As I said, we lost.
1368
01:50:52,604 --> 01:50:54,021
I've had enough.
1369
01:50:55,899 --> 01:50:58,776
Madgett, we haven't lost.
1370
01:50:58,902 --> 01:51:02,321
And there's no question
of any of us giving in.
1371
01:51:02,447 --> 01:51:04,323
What are you going to do?
1372
01:51:05,033 --> 01:51:09,036
There's a storm coming up.
I thought I'd be prepared.
1373
01:51:10,789 --> 01:51:12,956
Are you going to undress too, Madgett?
1374
01:51:14,668 --> 01:51:17,294
That way we could make it
look like a proper accident.
1375
01:51:17,420 --> 01:51:21,840
Now, Madgett, off with your clothes.
It'll make it a neater ending.
1376
01:51:21,966 --> 01:51:24,843
What an opportunity.
Alone on an open boat
1377
01:51:24,969 --> 01:51:28,681
with the women you love
and an invitation to undress.
1378
01:51:33,978 --> 01:51:37,648
Don't worry about, Smut.
He'll be all right.
1379
01:52:12,267 --> 01:52:14,935
First, the burial service.
1380
01:52:21,901 --> 01:52:24,653
In loving memory of a gardener.
1381
01:52:30,410 --> 01:52:34,246
In loving memory of a businessman.
1382
01:52:39,210 --> 01:52:42,588
In loving...
1383
01:52:47,218 --> 01:52:52,264
In living memory of an unemployed non-swimmer.
102628
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