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25.000
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THE GOOD SOLDIER SCHWEIK
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Today are starring:
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Schweik:
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Mrs. Muller:
Innkeeper Palivec:
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Detective Brettschneider:
Army Chaplain:
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Lieutenant Lukas:
Mrs. Wendler:
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Minor parts acted by:
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Assistant Director:
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Screen - Play and Direction:
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So they've killed our Ferdinand,
Mr. Schweik!
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- Which Ferdinand, Mrs. Muller?
I know two.
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One of them does jobs for Prusa
the chemist,
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and one day he drank a bottle of
hair - oil by mistake...
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- But Mr. Schweik, it's the Archduke
Ferdinand, the one from Konopiste,
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you know, the fat, pious one.
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- Good Lord, that's a fine thing...
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And where did this happen?
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- They shot him at Sarajevo,
with a revolver, you know.
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He was riding there with his Archduchess
in a motor - car.
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- Fancy that, Mrs. Muller,
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what a bad end a ride in a motor - car
can have!
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Did he suffer long?
- The Archduke
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was done for on the spot!
You know,
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a revolver is no plaything.
- There's some revolvers, Mrs. Muller,
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that won't go off if you tried
till you was dotty!
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But they are sure to have bought
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something better than that
for the Archduke!
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And I wouldn't mind betting,
Mrs. Muller, that the fellow that did it
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put on his Sunday bests for the job.
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You know, this is net a case
of a poacher shooting a gamekeeper.
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For a job like this, you have to wear
a top - hat,
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or else the police would run you in
before you got near him.
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- I hear there was a whole lot of them,
Mr. Schweik.
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- Of course, Mrs. Muller!
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If you for instance wanted to kill
an Archduke...
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- Oh, Mr. Schweik!
...or the Emperor,
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naturally you'd talk it over
with somebody.
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Two heads are better than one.
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One hives one bit of advice,
the other gives another
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and so the good work prospers.
As cir National Anthem says.
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- The newspaper says, Mrs. Schweik,
that the Archduke
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was properly riddled with bullets.
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The assassin emptied the whole lot
into him.
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- That was mighty quick work,
Mrs Muller.
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I'd buy a Browning for a job like that.
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It looks like a toy,
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but in a couple of minutes, you could
shoot twenty Archdukes with it,
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thin or fat!
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- I got the shock of my life now.
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I thought somebody had been spying
on us!
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- But instead of that, cur Balaban,
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sold six times already,
has returned again.
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- Aren't you unlucky with that dog,
Mr. Schweik...
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Why did you take him in to begin with?
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- I had to take care of him,
you know,
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because ho is so ugly that all other
dogs avoid him.
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And he was so sad about it.
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- All that suffering he's caused us!
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- Well, now, Mrs. Muller,
I'm going round to the "Flagon".
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- All right,
Mr. Schweik.
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- Give my key with the house - porter,
please!
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- Good bye, Mr. Schweik!
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- We are having a fine summer,
aren't we?
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- All damn rotten!
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- That's a fine thing they have done for
us at Sarajevo, don't you agree?
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- Do you mean the wine - shop in Nusle?
They have a rumpus there every day.
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- No, I mean Sarajevo in Bosnia.
They shot the Archduke Ferdinand there.
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What do you think of that?
- I never shove my nose
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into that sort of thing.
I've got my business to see to.
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- Innkeeper,
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you used to have a picture
of the Emperor hanging there...
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- That's right,
it used to hang there,
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but flies left their trade - marks
all over it, so I put it into the attic.
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You see, somebody might pass
a remark about it
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and then there would be trouble.
What do I need such a thing for?
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- Good day to all of you, Gentlemen!
- Alright, Mr. Schweik.
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- One Black beer for me today.
- A black one...?
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- At Vienna,
they're also in mourning today.
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You won't believe me,
gentlemen,
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but I know that something will happen
at Sarajevo.
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- What, you know about it...?
- Of course,
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as soon as there is an army parade,
something is bound to happen.
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Allow me, is this yours?
- Please.
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- I remember once, during an inspection
like that,
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there were twenty buttons missing
from my tunic
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and I got two weeks solitary
confinement for it,
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and had to spend two days of it tied up,
hand and foot.
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And all that because of discipline.
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Our company commander, a fellow called
Makovec, always used to say:
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There's got to be discipline,
you thick-headed louts,
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or else you'd be crawling about like
monkeys on trees!"
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And isn't it true, gentlemen?
- Hm.
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- Just imagine a park,
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on Charles Square for instance,
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with an undisciplined soldier
on every tree...
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That's what I was always mast afraid of.
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- That business at Sarajevo was done
by the Serbians.
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- You are wrong there.
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It was done by the Turks,
because of Bosnia and Herzegovina.
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They're cross, because our Emperor
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did not help them in the war
with Serbia.
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Do you like Turks?
Do you like that heathen pack of dogs?
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- A customer is a customer!
And he may be a Turk for all that.
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People like us, who have a business
to look after,
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can't be bothered with polities.
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Pay for your drink, and you can sit down
and talk what you like!
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- All right, Innkeeper,
but you'll have to admit
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that it's a great loss to Austria.
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- Yes, there's no denying it.
A fearful loss!
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You can t replace Ferdinand by any sort
of tomfool.
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Isn't that true?
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I say, I wouldn't like to be
the Archdukes widow.
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What's she going to do now?
The children are orphans,
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the estate at Konopiste is without
a master, what is she going to do...?
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Marry another Archduke?
What good would come of that?
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She'd take another trip to Sarajevo
and be left a widow for the second time!
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- Come, come, gentlemen, talk about
something else! I don't like this!
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One world leads to another and then
you might be sorry!
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- We are not drunk,
to make nasty remarks about the Emperor!
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- And what sort of natty remarks
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about the Emperor do people make
when they are...
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- Well...
- Well, what...?
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- All sorts.
- Well, what sorts?
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Do you know any?
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- Get drunk...
- And then what?
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...get them to play the Austrian
National Anthem...
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- Well, and...?
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...and you'll see what you'll start
saying.
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But the Emperor is not going to put up
with that sort of thin.
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Little do you know his!
There's got to be war with them Turks!
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Kill my uncle, would you?
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Then take this smack in the jaw
for a start.
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There's going to be a war!
That's all I can tell you.
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- Follow me out into the passage
and there I'll tell you something!
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- Let me have another Sliwowitz
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and I shall have to go,
you know, I've just been arrested.
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- Come here!
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Are you married?
- Yes.
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- And can your wife carry on
the business during your absence?
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- Yes.
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- Well, then, hand the business over
to you wife
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and we shall come for you
in the evening!
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- But why?
- Don't you worry,
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I am being run in only for high treason.
- And I was being that careful!
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- I've got you for saying that the flies
left their trade - marks on the Emperor.
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Let's go!
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They'll knock all that stuff
about the Emperor out of your head!
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- I am innocent!
I don't read the papers at all!
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- What concern is that of mine...?
- I am not interested
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in politics! Mister!
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Mister, I'm innocent! Innocent!
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- For God's sake, where did you put
my basket?
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- Call my lawyer
immediately!
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- What's that?! What's that?!
- Off you go!
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- Please...
be kind enough to tell the inspector,
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that I'm a stationer!
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- Is there a vacant place here?
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00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,800
- Well, what does it look like
outside? Shall we be here for long?
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- It depends on the kind of crime
you have committed.
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- Mister, I'm the chairman
of the "Smallholder's Union"!
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00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,520
We just had a garden party.
Two tens of Wiener - schnitzels
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and a lottery.
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And just when the party was going fine,
a gentleman came around
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and told us to stop,
that Austria was in mourning.
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So I said: "Just wait a moment,
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till they've played 'Hej, Slovane'.
And here I am.
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- Well, you can be sure of a long stay!
They took me in
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just for trumping a king at cards
and saying:
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Bang goes the king, just like
in Sarajevo."
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- This looks like ten years
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for each of us.
- But why me?!
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I have a stationer's shop!
- I'm innocent, Mister!
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I'm innocent!
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- So was Jesus Christ,
and they crucified him for all that!
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00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:07,160
Well, nobody has ever anywhere
at anytime,
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cared a damn whether a man s innocent
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00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,280
a damn whether a man's innocent or not.
- That's true.
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00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:11,800
- I am not Jesus Christ,
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I'm really innocent!
- Quiet, now!
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00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,320
- Please, Mister,
you have such a kind look on you face,
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tell them I'm innocent!
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00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,000
- Quiet, please!
I'm preparing a lecture!
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00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,600
- I am innocent!
- Come on...
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00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,200
- And why do you happen to be here?
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- Leave me alone,
you good -
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for - nothings, with you,
I could only get into trouble.
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00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,440
- This gent is here for attempted murder
only.
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00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,320
He tried to murder an old man
from Holice.
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00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,280
- Now I'm here, too!
- I felt sure the gentleman
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00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:49,920
would keep his word. It's nice to know
you can rely on people.
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00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,200
- I don't give a damn!
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00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,160
- Well, I think I'll go med!
We are really in prison!
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00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,520
- It used to be much worse, you know.
In old days, the accused had
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00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,800
to walk over glowing hot iron...
- You don't say!
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00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,520
...and they made them drink
melted lead!
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00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,600
- For God's sake!
- Today, it's a real pleasure!
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00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:13,000
We have bunks, and a table,
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00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,280
and the toilet is right under our noses.
- Yes.
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00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,560
- Conditions have certainly improved!
To our benefit.
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00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,840
- Schweik Joseph!
Come up for examination!
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00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,640
- Excuse me.
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00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,560
- But I didn't say
anything like that!
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00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,240
- How often are you going to spit,
man?
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00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,000
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I don't feel like, it,
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00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,520
but I'm trying to do as the regulations
tell me to.
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00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,480
- Ha. I'm sure...
- That notice over there says...
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...some at the "Flagon".
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00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,920
- Good evening,
gentlemen, I hope you're all well!
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00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,440
- Take that idiotic expression
off your face!
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00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,520
- I can't help it!
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00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,120
I was discharged from the army
on account of being feeble - minded.
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00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:14,080
I'm feeble - minded officially, please.
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00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,840
- The offences you have committed show,
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00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,720
that you have got all your wits
about you!
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00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,480
Insulting his Royal Highness,
approval of the murder of the Archduke,
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00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:30,240
making fun of the State Mourning,
inciting rebellion...
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00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,760
Why are you sticking your nose
into my papers?!
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00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,960
- I only wanted to know
whether nothing has been left cut!
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00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,440
- What have you get to say for yourself?
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00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,880
- There's a lot of it. You know,
you can have too much of a good thing.
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00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,240
- So you admit it's true?
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00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,680
- I admit everything.
You've got to be strict!
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00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,200
- Who do you keep company with?
- My charwoman, Sir.
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00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,960
- And you don't know anybody
in political circles here?
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00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,000
- Of course I do,
I buy the "National Politics" regularly,
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00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,680
because of the ads, you know,
in case someone looks for a lost dog...
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00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,320
- Shut your trap!
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00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,840
Do you admit everything?
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00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,560
- If you wish me to admit me everything,
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00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,400
I shall admit it.
Sir, but if you tell me:
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00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,080
"Schweik, don't you admit anything!"
233
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,760
Then I shall argue the point
till the end of my days.
234
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,840
- Sign here!
235
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,280
- Just a moment!
I forgot the full stop.
236
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,000
Is there anything else for me to sign?
237
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,440
- You'll be taken
to the Criminal Court in the morning.
238
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,960
- And at what time, Sir?
I would not like to oversleep,
239
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,680
whatever happens!
- Get out!
240
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,320
- Well, I only wanted
to avoid causing a delay...
241
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,160
So what?
How?
242
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,720
- I just confessed
243
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,720
that I probably killed Archduke
Ferdinand.
244
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,200
- Welcome.
245
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,360
CRIMINAL COURT
This golden gate,
246
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,560
open today,
247
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:42,640
who walks in,
will loose his head,
248
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,640
This golden gate, open today,
249
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,600
who walks in, will get hit
over the head...
250
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,200
- Good day.
251
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,000
- Sit down.
252
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,240
So you are Mr. Schweik?
253
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,240
- I think I must be,
254
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,200
because my dad was called Schweik
255
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,480
and my mother was Mrs. Schweik.
256
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,280
- This is a fine business
you've been up to...
257
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,280
You've got plenty on your conscience!
258
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,240
- I've always got plenty
on my conscience.
259
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:23,000
I'll bet I've got more on my conscience
than what you have, Sir.
260
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,840
- I can see that
from the statement you signed.
261
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,440
Well...
262
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:35,200
Did they bring any pressure to bear
on you at Police - Headquarters?
263
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,760
- Not a bit of it, Sir!
264
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,520
When they told me to sign,
I just did what they told me to.
265
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,640
I'm not going to quarrel with them
over my own signature.
266
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,320
I shouldn't be doing myself
any good that way!
267
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,800
- Do you feel quite well,
Mr. Schweik?
268
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,840
- I wouldn't say quite well,
Your Honour.
269
00:16:56,360 --> 00:17:00,000
I've got rheumatism
and I'm using embrocation for it.
270
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,680
When the weather is about to change,
it hurts something awful!
271
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,920
Do you hear how my joints creak?
272
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,960
- Do sit down again!
273
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,640
What do you say to that, Mr. Schweik?
274
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:22,720
We were to have you examined
by the medical authorities?
275
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,080
- There was one doctor,
who examined me already
276
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:30,400
at Police - Headquarters,
to see if I had V.D.
277
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,720
Well... you know, Mr. Schweik,
278
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,000
I think we shall try the medical board.
279
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,640
You'll have a nice rest,
won't you?
280
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:44,600
One more question.
281
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,840
You are supposed to have said,
282
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:52,160
that war is going to break out soon.
283
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,280
- Yes, Your Honour.
It will break out any moment now.
284
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,760
- Don't you think
you could be wrong?
285
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,680
- I hope not,
286
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,640
after all, it's already written down
in my statement, Your Honour.
287
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,360
- So you know it for sure?
288
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,480
- Anybody may be wrong,
289
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:11,760
an educated man as well
as an illiterate fool.
290
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,000
Even ministers are wrong sometimes.
291
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:18,880
- Don't you ever feel
run down at all?
292
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,920
- No, Your Honour,
293
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,240
except that I once got nearly run down
by a motor - car,
294
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,440
on Charles' Square.
But that's years ago.
295
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,400
- That's quite enough.
You may go now.
296
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:36,600
- Thanks very much, Your Honour,
I'm very pleased to have met you!
297
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:55,480
Gentlemen, long live
our Emperor Franz Joseph the First!
298
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,000
- The case is quite clear.
299
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,080
Any further examinations
are quite unnecessary.
300
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,200
- But we shall have to comply
with the law!
301
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,480
- Take five steps!
302
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,760
I've told you to take five stops only!
303
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,400
- A few steps more or less
won't kill me.
304
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,560
And I did not complain of anything
having fallen in my eye.
305
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,920
- Show us your teeth!
Better, man, better!
306
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,160
- This is how a Danish hound
would do it, gentlemen!
307
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:51,000
- Sit down!
308
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,920
Cross your feet!
309
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,720
Not this way, at leisure!
310
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,160
- Tell us quickly, could you
measure the diameter of the globe?
311
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,920
- Tell us quickly!
Is radium heavier than lead?
312
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,480
- I've never weighed it, Sir.
313
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,520
- Listen, you can sing?
314
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,760
Could you sing a song for us?
315
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,760
- Of course, gentlemen.
316
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,680
I have neither voice nor ear,
317
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:26,040
but I shall do it to please you,
if you want to have some fun.
318
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:34,400
Oh, the monk
319
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:38,440
in the armchair yonder,
320
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:42,720
in his hand
321
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:47,400
he bows his head...
322
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,360
That's all I know,
but then,
323
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:54,080
I know some folksongs, like:
"God save our Emperor"
324
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:58,960
and "When we went into the war..."
and then some hymns...
325
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,120
- I believe
that's quite enough.
326
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:02,960
- One more question,
327
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,520
professor.
- Of course, please yourself.
328
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,280
- Dear colleague, I believe...
- No, no!
329
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,880
I insist on this question!
330
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,200
Tell me, how much is
331
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,680
12897 times
332
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,240
13863?
333
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,840
- 729.
334
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,240
- Let's write down
our findings.
335
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,960
The undersigned medical authorities,
336
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:38,320
agree on the complete creationism
of Joseph Schweik,
337
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,560
who expresses himself in terms such as
338
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,280
"Long live our Emperor Franz Joseph
the First!"...a remark,
339
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,760
which completely suffices
340
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,760
to demonstrate
341
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,480
Schweik s mind to be that
342
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,880
of an obvious imbecile.
343
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,400
The undersigned medical authorities
344
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,320
thus return the examined Joseph Schweik
345
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,160
to the responsible authorities.
346
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,880
That s the Emperor s proclamation
to say, that war has been declared!
347
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,720
- I saw it coming,
348
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,960
but in the Asylum they don t know
anything about it yet,
349
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:52,520
although they should be the first
to get it.
350
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:54,760
- What do you mean by this?
351
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:59,720
- Because they ve got
a lot of army officers locked up there.
352
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,400
- Aha. Right.
353
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,760
- Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph!
354
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,840
We'll win this war!
355
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,160
- That's enough.
No trouble now! Just disperse quietly!
356
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,960
Gentlemen, I can see it
quite clearly.
357
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,360
We're absolutely bound to win this war!
358
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:42,240
- I'm extremely sorry
that you've fallen into our hands again.
359
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:47,000
We thought you'd turn over a new leaf,
but we seem to have been mistaken!
360
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,280
Tell me, Mr. Schweik, who was it
that induced you
361
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:51,320
to indulge in such silly tricks?!
362
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,040
- I don't know what silly tricks
you mean!
363
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:58,680
- Well, isn't it a silly trick
to cause a crow to collect
364
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:03,240
and incite them by shouting:
"Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph,
365
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,560
we'll win this war!"?
366
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:09,240
- It fairly riled me to see them
all reading the Royal proclamation
367
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,160
and not showing any pleasure about it
at all,
368
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,280
nobody shouted Hooray or called
for cheers!
369
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:18,520
So I, being an old soldier,
had to shout these words!
370
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,840
And I think, that if you'd been
in my place,
371
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,560
you'd have done just the same.
372
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,600
If there's a war, it's got to be won.
Nobody is going to talk me cut of that!
373
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,960
- I thoroughly appreciate
your enthusiasm,
374
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,680
but the fact that you were
under police escort
375
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,480
must have made a rather
ironic impression...
376
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:39,720
- When a man is being run in
by a police officer,
377
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,760
it is a critical moment in his life.
378
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:44,360
And, if at such a moment,
379
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,320
a man does not for - get to do
the proper thing,
380
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:48,960
that is not a bad thing at all.
381
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:52,160
- Go to blazes, Schweik!
382
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,920
But if we ever meet here again,
383
00:24:56,440 --> 00:25:01,400
you will go straight before
a Court Martial! Is that clear?
384
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,240
- God bless you for everything
you have done!
385
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,800
And if you'd like a thoroughbred dog
at any time,
386
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,360
just call on me,
387
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,800
I deal in dogs.
- Get out!
388
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,840
I don't believe him anyway.
Go on, tell us, inspector,
389
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:27,240
How can a lout like he be interested
in Austria winning the war?
390
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,800
- Well, in any case,
don't let him get out of sight!
391
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:32,960
As you wish...
You know what?
392
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,640
We'll try to take him unawares!
393
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:41,520
- Well,
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
394
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,560
Good day.
- Good day.
395
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,160
II. Host Good day.
396
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:49,920
- Well, here I am, back again.
397
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,320
But where is Mr. Palivec?
398
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,520
- They gave him...
...ten years...
399
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,560
a week... ago.
400
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,640
- Fancy that now...
401
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,280
then he has already served
seven days of it.
402
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,920
- And he was that cautious...
403
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:17,160
- Caution is the mother of wisdom.
404
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:19,600
Well, let me have a large rum!
405
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,160
- And the sausages,
Mrs. Palivec?
406
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,480
- I'm getting them right away.
407
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:37,920
- Good day.
408
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,600
- Fancy that, a man called Cimpera,
409
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,720
Straskov No.6,
410
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:08,440
is selling a farm with 13 ares
of fields,
411
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:12,400
situated close to school and railway...
412
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,920
- I am surprised to find that you are
interested in farming, Mr. Schweik.
413
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:18,520
- Oh, it's you, is it?
414
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,280
I didn't recognize you!
415
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:22,720
- I came here today on your account.
- Well, let's go then.
416
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:24,520
- Stay where you are!
417
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,760
All I want is a dog.
418
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,560
- That I can get for you!
419
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,640
- Oh God...!
420
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,320
Help me, I'm so unhappy!
421
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:41,160
What have I ever done to anybody?
422
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:45,120
- Don't cry, woman!
In three months, we'll have won the war,
423
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,520
there will be an amnesty
and your husband will come home!
424
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,920
- And will that help me?
425
00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,400
Here I have hot sausages
and all the customers want away!
426
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,560
Why do you keep coming here?
427
00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,920
You will ruin me.
428
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,520
- Well, leave them here,
I'll pay for them!
429
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,400
And a bottle of wine,
I want to spend some real money today!
430
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:17,480
- Wouldn't you like a police - dog?
I know a man who's got one.
431
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,920
- You know,
all I'm concerned about this size.
432
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,640
- The one I'm talking about
is about this size...
433
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:24,440
- Oh, no!
I'd like a ratter.
434
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,400
Quite a small one... a cheap one.
435
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:27,680
- A ratter is no calf.
436
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:29,440
The smaller they are,
the more they cost!
437
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,040
- Well, in that case...
...a big or one will do.
438
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:35,200
- I'll have to ask you
for an advance of 30 crowns,
439
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:39,600
and I'll get you a dog, that will make
everybody's head turn round.
440
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,560
- 30 crowns?
Well...
441
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:45,800
Here they are.
And let's have a drink on the bargain!
442
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,480
- One more, please!
- What's wrong?
443
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:50,920
- Well, you have to pay for having fun!
444
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:54,360
- Today you don't have to be afraid
of me, I'm mot on duty
445
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:03,360
and you can say whatever you like
about politics!
446
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:06,520
- I don't discuss things like that
in a pub.
447
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,840
Anyway, all politics ale for children.
- You think so?
448
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,840
Of course, yes,
or for such fools
449
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,000
as Franz Joseph.
Hahahaha...
450
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:21,400
Come here, friend! ...You do like me,
don't you?
451
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:23,840
- Look here, friend,
give me some advise,
452
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:25,680
I want to register with the Anarchists.
453
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:29,040
Why not, what do you say to that?
Yes. And all that... Look, look, look...
454
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:30,880
Come here and take this!
Take this!
455
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,240
Call me by my first name,
will you?
456
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:47,720
- "What every good citizen earns,
457
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:54,680
the state takes away from him!"
458
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:57,520
- Don't be silly!
459
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,600
Someone will come and you'll have
difficulties...
460
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:02,760
You get all sorts today!
Look, Bohous,
461
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:06,840
what about that ratter,
where do I deliver him?
462
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,000
Ratter?
What ratter?
463
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:11,560
Oh, the ratter!
464
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,920
Bohous... Pepik...
Don't worry about ratters,
465
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:18,440
You know, I shall come
and get the ratter...
466
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,120
personally...
467
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:28,960
- Good afternoon! Mr. Schweik!
- Good afternoon.
468
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,920
Good afternoon.
So I'm back again, Mrs. Muller!
469
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,880
- For Christ's sake,
Mr. Schweik, so you're alive?
470
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:42,680
Don't be cross with me,
I took a new lodger,
471
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:46,120
he's a porter in a night - club.
They searched your place three times.
472
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,800
Everybody said your lost,
as you are such a card!
473
00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:09,800
- Look here, boss,
get up,
474
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:12,720
or you'll be late!
475
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,360
- Get out!
476
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,240
- I'd be very sorry if you'd have
to state to your company commander
477
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,040
that it was my fault you overslept
the mobilisation.
478
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,120
See for your self,
here it is,
479
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:28,240
there's a war on!
480
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,000
- What sort of stupid joke
is this?
481
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:33,320
- War!
482
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,240
- And I wanted to sleep
till eight in the evening.
483
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:40,680
Marena, get up!
484
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:46,480
- Hello, hello.
485
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,160
They're taking them to the station now.
486
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:20,000
- Luis, I won't let you go!
487
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:23,280
Christ, you are such a big chunk
of a fellow,
488
00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:26,520
they'll hit you in no time!
489
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:28,560
- Marena, damn you,
don't be silly!
490
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:30,960
I've been working in a night - club
for ten years...
491
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:33,960
A silly war can have no surprises
for me!
492
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:35,840
Let's go!
493
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,840
- The Emperor declared war
494
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,000
and asked everybody to join...
495
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,040
- Mrs. Muller!
496
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:56,160
Mrs. Muller!
497
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,760
- Yes, Mr. Schweik?
Is your rheumatism worse again?
498
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,080
- Hand me my army - cap
from the wardrobe!
499
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:33,000
I'm going to join the army!
500
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:34,920
- Gracious me...
And what are you going to do there?
501
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:36,920
- Fight!
502
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:40,920
Austria's in a bad way,
that's why they are calling me up.
503
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:44,480
Even our evening paper admits now,
that our dear fatherland is threatened
504
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:48,880
by dark clouds.
- They can move, can't they!
505
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:51,880
- It doesn't matter, Mrs. Muller,
I'll join the army in a Bath chair!
506
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,200
The confectioner round the corner
has just the thing I want.
507
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:57,640
Years ago, he used to wheel his lame,
wicked grandfather in it.
508
00:33:57,720 --> 00:33:59,200
- But, Mr. Schweik...!
509
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,480
- Get that wheel - chair
510
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:05,320
and push me to the war!
511
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:15,840
To Belgrade!
To Belgrade!
512
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:25,240
- Look, people, how funny.
A lame man going to enlist!
513
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:26,840
- They're going to win, aren't they...
514
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:43,360
- To Belgrade!
515
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:54,840
You are wrong, I have it here,
written cut quite clearly!
516
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:59,400
- To appear before the authorities,
clean, tidy
517
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:02,840
and in a sober state...
518
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:04,720
What is there to laugh about?!
- As you can see,
519
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:06,560
my dear policeman,
520
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:08,440
I'm really going to join up!
521
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:13,200
For the Emperor
and his family!
522
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:35,440
- He's a heroic soldier!
523
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:37,600
- Escort this man
to the local Army Headquarters!
524
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:40,040
- Let me pass!
Let me pass!
525
00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:42,880
I know this gent from "Free Mind"!
526
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,200
Long live the Serbians, our brothers!
Don't you agree?
527
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:48,680
Hip hip...
Hooray!
528
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:51,520
- People,
that's a secret policeman!
529
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:54,640
- He's trying to provoke us!
530
00:36:21,720 --> 00:36:23,360
- Das ganze
tschechische Volk
531
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:25,640
ist eine simulanten Bande!
532
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:29,120
How many people are to appear
before the Board today?
533
00:36:29,720 --> 00:36:31,200
- 550.
534
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:35,880
- And how many should be drafted?
- 550.
535
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,760
- Well, get them here, quick!
536
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:47,240
Halasek Joseph, baker.
537
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:56,720
- One hundred and sixty.
- Tauglich!
538
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,360
- Kocicka Vaclav - waiter.
539
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:02,160
- Tauglich!
540
00:37:02,240 --> 00:37:04,520
- Hrdina Borivoj - teacher.
541
00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:07,000
- Tauglich!
542
00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:11,520
Take that malingerer away!
543
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:16,960
Waiter!
544
00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:20,560
- Schweik Joseph!
- Here!
545
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:37,040
- Superarbitrated on account
of being feeble - minded.
546
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,640
- And what else is wrong with you?
547
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,440
- Beg to report, Sir,
I've got rheumatism,
548
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:47,320
but I'll serve the Emperor
till I'm hacked to pieces.
549
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:49,240
- Sie sind ein Simulant!
550
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:51,960
Arrest that man immediately,
551
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,880
and take him to Dr. Grunstein,
552
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:05,520
he cures every single one for them!
553
00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:09,560
- Doctor's round!
- Doctor's round!
554
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,040
- Out of bed!
Doctor Grunstein.
555
00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:15,240
Out!
556
00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:27,640
Macuna.
Asthma.
557
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:30,160
- Enema and aspirin.
558
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,120
- Kotatko - deaf and dumb.
559
00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:35,640
- Have you been like that since birth?
560
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:40,960
Wash his stomach out and quinine!
561
00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:44,240
- Pokorny - tuberculosis.
562
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:48,240
- Double enema!
563
00:38:51,240 --> 00:38:53,520
- Schweik.
- Here!
564
00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:55,920
- No diagnosis as yet.
565
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,360
- What's wrong with you then?
566
00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:01,920
- I obediently report
that I've got rheumatism.
567
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:06,560
- Oh, what a coincidence, getting
rheumatism when there's a world war
568
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:08,640
and you're supposed to fight...!
569
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:12,400
You must be cursing your luck!
570
00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:16,640
- I obediently report, oberarzt,
that I'm cursing my luck!
571
00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:19,200
- Hm.
And do your knees hurt?
572
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:21,320
- I obediently report that they hurt.
573
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:25,200
- Well, we'll treat you here
better than in Pistany!
574
00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:29,040
And you'll be marching to the front
as fast as your legs can carry you!
575
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:32,080
Write this down!
Complete diet,
576
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:36,840
wash his stomach out once a day
and an emena once a day!
577
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:39,240
A proper one!
578
00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:44,280
Until he begs all the saints
for the rheumatism to get up and go!
579
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:53,360
Right, now...
580
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:57,840
...now I'm going to give you
some pills.
581
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:13,880
Drink that immediately!
582
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:26,280
- God save our souls...!
583
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:36,720
- I am not going to examine you,
you bumps!
584
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:40,240
I know you are all malingerers
who want to shirk the army.
585
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,760
Don't think me an utter fool!
586
00:40:45,240 --> 00:40:48,840
Those beds have accommodated
whole swarms of men,
587
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:51,840
who had nothing wrong with them except
a lock of military spirit!
588
00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:55,800
I cured all of them with my enemas.
589
00:40:57,040 --> 00:41:01,320
In twenty years to come,
you'll still scream in your sleep
590
00:41:01,480 --> 00:41:03,080
when you dream
591
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:08,040
you're trying to swing the lead
on Doctor Grunstein!
592
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:10,600
- Beg to report, Sir,
593
00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:12,360
my ability to speak and my hearing
seem to be returning.
594
00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:15,320
- Good,
595
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,920
but you'll have your enema
before you go,
596
00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:22,680
so you can't complain
we didn't cure you here!
597
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:35,800
- The most sacred emotions
were touchingly demonstrated
598
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,520
by a cripple,
who was being wheeled along
599
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:40,480
in a Bath - chair by an old woman.
600
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:44,600
"To Belgrade!", shouted
this worthy son of the Czech nation,
601
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:47,200
who enlisted in the army,
602
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,640
in order to prove his fidelity
to the Emperor.
603
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:54,840
This man is prepared to give his life
and possession for his monarch.
604
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:57,040
- Genug, ma ch�re!
Genug!
605
00:41:57,280 --> 00:42:00,000
- As Your Excellency,
the Baroness, commands.
606
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,160
It goes no further anyway.
607
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:10,920
- Ach, mein Gemahl,
608
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:14,800
the general von Botzenheim,
he used to say:
609
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:18,280
A Czech soldier,
always a good soldier!
610
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:21,280
Johann!
611
00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:27,520
We must go to the hospital immediately,
to find this heroic soldier!
612
00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:37,720
It's no good coming here
with rheumatism!
613
00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:40,120
This stands as much chance here
as corns!
614
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:44,160
I have only half a stomach
and nobody believes me anyway!
615
00:42:45,240 --> 00:42:48,360
The best thing is to have petrol
injected under the skin!
616
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:49,840
That gives you a fine, high temperature,
which makes you want
617
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,400
to jump out of the window!
618
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,080
- Jesus,
619
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:57,880
I'm hungry!
620
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:01,640
I cant stand it any longer!
621
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:04,680
- I had a dream today,
622
00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:08,880
that I was eating some lovely
drippings.
623
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:10,960
- Hot or cold?
624
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:14,680
- Cold.
- That I couldn't,
625
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:17,840
I prefer them hot,
626
00:43:18,720 --> 00:43:20,680
and a nice, golden brown colour!
627
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:24,200
- For God's sake, fellows,
stop talking about food!
628
00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:26,800
- Everybody to bed!
Did you hear me?
629
00:43:26,880 --> 00:43:28,080
Be quick about it! Get a move on!
630
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:29,720
Some Archduchess is supposed
to come here!
631
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,520
What are you waiting for?
For goodness' sake, lads!
632
00:43:32,840 --> 00:43:34,440
Hurry up!
633
00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:36,920
And don't dare to show your dirty feet,
you louts!
634
00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:39,600
No complaints either,
do you hear me?
635
00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:42,080
Who says a word will be strum up later!
636
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:45,360
- I beg to report that I'd like to
welcome the Archduchess.
637
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:48,840
I know a very nice welcoming address.
- Will you lie down!
638
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:51,480
- I obediently report
that I'm lying down.
639
00:44:00,880 --> 00:44:03,440
- Well, here is our dear Schweik.
640
00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:09,920
He's being very patient.
641
00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:15,000
A chair!
- Schweik, two enemas and a chair!
642
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:17,960
- For the Baroness!
- An enema for the Baroness?
643
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:20,440
- A chair!
- Oh, a chair!
644
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:24,240
- A Czech soldier -
very good soldier!
645
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:30,040
A crippled soldier,
I love a Czech Austrian.
646
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:33,200
I've read everything in the papers!
647
00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:39,600
Johann! Come here!
648
00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:46,040
I've brought you something nice
to eat...
649
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:52,640
...bite...
650
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:56,320
...sip...
651
00:44:57,240 --> 00:44:59,240
...to smoke...
652
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:02,480
and to drink.
653
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,680
Read the inscription aloud!
654
00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:09,040
- Deutschmeisster,
liqueor for soldiers and civilians.
655
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:11,760
Gott strafe England.
656
00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:14,160
- When in need...
657
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,280
Pardon me, Madam,
658
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:19,000
I wanted to say:
659
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:23,840
"God bless you for all these gifts,
660
00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:25,680
amen!"
661
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,760
- Look how the soldier
enjoys it all!
662
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:35,760
I am sure he will be cured soon
and fit for the front!
663
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,480
- Certainly, Baroness.
I won't keep him a day longer,
664
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:40,160
than necessary!
665
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:39,360
- I haven't smoked since heaven
knows when!
666
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:40,880
Stop it! Don't be stupid!
Quiet now!...
667
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:45,160
- Here!
- Here!
668
00:46:48,840 --> 00:46:50,320
Habt acht!
Habt acht!
669
00:46:50,720 --> 00:46:52,280
Habt acht!
Habt acht!
670
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:05,840
- So, you lots,
you don't appreciate my kindness!
671
00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:10,760
I pump your stomachs,
I give you enemas,
672
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:14,480
and the moment I turn my back you
try to kill yourselves by overeating!
673
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,280
All of them are to have their stomachs
pumped out, immediately!
674
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:23,520
Do you know the Baroness?
675
00:47:23,880 --> 00:47:26,240
- She's my stepmother.
676
00:47:26,720 --> 00:47:28,800
She abandoned me
at a tender age
677
00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:30,560
and now she's found me again.
678
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:39,120
- Give him another enema
and then send him straight to jail!
679
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:45,720
- Don't spare me!
680
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:48,920
The foundations of the Austrian Empire
are based on that enema
681
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:51,520
and victory is sure to be ours!
682
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:37,360
- Smell my fist,
you lout!
683
00:48:39,480 --> 00:48:42,280
- I wouldn't like to feel it
on my nose! It smell's of graveyards!
684
00:48:43,120 --> 00:48:45,640
- Well, then, remember it,
you twerp!
685
00:48:59,960 --> 00:49:03,240
- Just a moment
I'm coming!
686
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:17,440
- Now you'll see a good show!
The chaplain is usually drunk.
687
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:35,440
- Habt acht!
688
00:49:36,360 --> 00:49:38,360
Everybody follow me in prayers.
689
00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:40,640
Repeat what I'll say.
690
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:45,320
Which Sunday is it, anyway?
691
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:51,800
I know it won't work!
692
00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:55,920
I am all for having you shot!
693
00:49:59,400 --> 00:50:02,760
I insist on it from this holy place,
you good - for - nothings,
694
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:05,240
because you won't turn over
a new leaf
695
00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:09,680
and want to carry on
on the thorny road of a sinner!
696
00:50:12,880 --> 00:50:15,760
I ask you not to blow your nose here!
697
00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:18,400
We are no horses and neither are we
in a stable!
698
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:22,640
Sergeant,
don't you notice anything?
699
00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:26,600
Remember, that you are soldiers
700
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:30,240
and not blasted civilians!
701
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:33,760
And that you must see
702
00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:37,080
through a dark cloud
703
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:39,760
into the distant space!
704
00:50:41,240 --> 00:50:43,480
And know, that everything here
705
00:50:44,200 --> 00:50:46,160
lasts only
706
00:50:46,520 --> 00:50:47,960
for a short time.
707
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:50,960
Yes.
Well... where did I stop?
708
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:55,800
God is merciful,
709
00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:58,280
but only towards decent people,
710
00:50:58,360 --> 00:51:02,800
and not for a gang of rotters,
who take no notice of God's laws
711
00:51:02,880 --> 00:51:04,920
and the army's regulations!
712
00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:08,080
You don't even know how to pray,
713
00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:11,360
and you think this some sort of a show
714
00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:13,360
or circus.
715
00:51:13,560 --> 00:51:15,720
Do you hear me,
you down there in your underclothes?
716
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:19,120
- Beg to report, Sir,
we hear you!
717
00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:22,680
- Some day you'll remember me
718
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:25,920
and you'll know that I meant well!
719
00:51:31,120 --> 00:51:34,720
That man should serve you as an example!
720
00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:38,200
What is he doing?
He's crying!
721
00:51:39,440 --> 00:51:40,960
Don't cry!
722
00:51:41,040 --> 00:51:42,520
I tell you, stop it!
723
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:45,120
Do you want to become a better man?
724
00:51:45,720 --> 00:51:48,800
That's not such an easy job,
my lad!
725
00:51:49,080 --> 00:51:51,840
You're crying now,
but when you get back to your cell,
726
00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:55,400
you'll be just as big a louse a before!
727
00:51:56,320 --> 00:51:58,840
I've finished, you loafers,
728
00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:03,440
and I want you to behave properly
during mass!
729
00:52:07,440 --> 00:52:09,120
And not like last time,
730
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:12,320
when some of you fellows at the back
were swapping government linen for grub!
731
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:15,280
At ease!
732
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:12,360
So here you are!
733
00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:14,920
That's the first time
anyone has ever shed a tear
734
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:16,480
in my church.
735
00:53:18,440 --> 00:53:20,160
Admit it, you blackguard,
736
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:23,000
that you've cried only for fun!
737
00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:26,760
- I beg to report, Sir,
that I was really shamming.
738
00:53:27,240 --> 00:53:32,080
I saw that what your sermon needed
was the reformed sinner,
739
00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:33,720
so I tried to oblige.
740
00:53:34,080 --> 00:53:36,960
- I'm beginning to like you!
741
00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:39,680
What are you here for?
742
00:53:39,760 --> 00:53:42,320
- Beg to report, Sir,
I really don't know.
743
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:44,800
I always mean well
744
00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:47,240
and it turns out badly.
745
00:53:47,880 --> 00:53:50,240
Just like the martyr in that picture.
746
00:53:53,360 --> 00:53:55,040
- I will ask the provost about you!
747
00:53:55,560 --> 00:53:57,000
Dismissed!
748
00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:03,880
Schweik isn't here!
749
00:54:04,840 --> 00:54:06,360
What the hell is in those shelves?
750
00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:09,200
If at least you had a bottle
in every draw...
751
00:54:09,440 --> 00:54:11,040
We could drink them up in alphabetic
order.
752
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:15,160
- There's such a mess
in those files, such a chaos.
753
00:54:18,120 --> 00:54:21,520
Hallo!
Provost Lieutenant Bernis speaking!
754
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:24,360
Captain, I should like to know
whether you haven't got the file
755
00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:26,560
relating to a man called Schweik!
756
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:31,120
I am supposed to have it?
757
00:54:32,560 --> 00:54:36,800
That's odd.
Excuse me.
758
00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:42,000
It's beginning to interest me too,
what's happening to this fellow Schweik!
759
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:46,800
- Who searches, find.
God's mercy is endless.
760
00:54:48,120 --> 00:54:49,800
What about cards, do you play?
761
00:54:50,880 --> 00:54:52,360
- Well,
I am out of luck lately!
762
00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:56,560
But I know a girl,
I tell you, she is a sweet bit!
763
00:54:57,120 --> 00:54:58,560
- Hey, I need a batman!
764
00:54:59,960 --> 00:55:03,000
- Well, here you are, here's Schweik!
And right on top of the file, too.
765
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,280
I'm sorry, dear padre, this won't work.
- What did he do?
766
00:55:06,360 --> 00:55:09,040
- That I don't know, but look!
He's been executed.
767
00:55:09,720 --> 00:55:11,880
- Rubbish!
I've just been talking to him.
768
00:55:12,440 --> 00:55:14,520
- And what is here for?
- He doesn't know himself.
769
00:55:14,960 --> 00:55:16,440
- That's what they all say!
770
00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:20,160
Richtig, richtig,
somebody mixed up the files.
771
00:55:21,160 --> 00:55:22,680
But what shall we do now?
- No, co...!
772
00:55:23,200 --> 00:55:25,480
Well, sentence someone else
on Schweik s files.
773
00:55:26,680 --> 00:55:28,160
- That will be difficult.
774
00:55:30,040 --> 00:55:33,320
- That's a pity.
Tomorrow, I'm having a party,
775
00:55:34,200 --> 00:55:37,520
there'll be drinks, and ladies too...
You will come, won't you?
776
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:45,160
- Well, since it's you, dear padre,
you can have him!
777
00:56:59,120 --> 00:57:00,560
- Who do you keep greeting
all the time?
778
00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:02,480
- All these people
are acquaintances of mine.
779
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:04,240
- Oh, you don't say?
Are you from Prague?
780
00:57:04,480 --> 00:57:06,440
- From Prague, yes.
- You won't give us the slip?
781
00:57:06,640 --> 00:57:08,040
- Of course he'd run away
at the first chance!
782
00:57:08,040 --> 00:57:10,520
- Why should he?
He's practically free now!
783
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:12,560
I have it here, in my pocket.
784
00:57:13,160 --> 00:57:15,280
- And what do you have in your pocket?
- Well, I don't quite know.
785
00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:16,840
- You see! You don't even know
and yet you're talking!
786
00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:20,840
- Don't you know why we are taking you
to the Army Chaplain?
787
00:57:21,440 --> 00:57:22,880
- For confession.
788
00:57:23,240 --> 00:57:25,720
- What, for confession?
- Yes, they'll hang me tomorrow.
789
00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:29,640
- Hang?
- That's how it's done.
790
00:57:31,000 --> 00:57:33,560
They call it spiritual comfort.
791
00:57:34,920 --> 00:57:38,440
- Oh well, come along!
792
00:58:05,400 --> 00:58:06,840
Halt!
793
00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:10,600
Nur fur Milit�r! Bis jetzt.
794
00:58:15,720 --> 00:58:19,120
- How about taking those bayonets off?
After all, he's one of us!
795
00:58:19,320 --> 00:58:20,760
- But how?
796
00:58:23,960 --> 00:58:26,640
Halt!
- Are you crazy?
797
00:58:26,720 --> 00:58:30,680
- Look here, you know this place.
Do you know of a pub handy?
798
00:58:31,240 --> 00:58:33,520
- Why not?
Just round the corner from here.
799
00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:36,600
There's even music, a fiddle,
an accordion...
800
00:58:37,240 --> 00:58:38,680
You can leave your rifles
in the kitchen.
801
00:58:40,480 --> 00:58:41,520
- What is it?
802
00:58:41,640 --> 00:58:43,120
- Do you remember the arrangements
we made?
803
00:58:43,280 --> 00:58:45,640
Do you know...?
Understand?
804
00:58:46,040 --> 00:58:47,520
- Oh, of course!
805
00:58:49,080 --> 00:58:50,520
Is it a safe place?
806
00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:54,760
- Very, only tarts go there
and similar decent people!
807
00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:58,600
- Let's go!
808
00:58:59,480 --> 00:59:01,080
On Pankrac hill,
809
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:03,040
right on the top of it,
810
00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:07,200
trees are planted.
811
00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:09,640
On Pankrac hill,
812
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:11,600
right on the top of it,
813
00:59:11,680 --> 00:59:15,560
trees are planted.
814
00:59:16,360 --> 00:59:19,720
I had a girl friend,
815
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:23,160
now someone else has got her!
816
00:59:24,040 --> 00:59:27,240
I had a girl friend,
817
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:30,800
now someone else has got her!
818
00:59:33,200 --> 00:59:36,600
- Schweik, come here!
Where did they dress you up like this?
819
00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:42,720
- Schweik, you ought to have
a photo taken!
820
00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:49,040
- Christ, it's Schweik!
821
00:59:53,440 --> 00:59:55,840
- Good day to you, gentlemen!
822
00:59:56,560 --> 00:59:59,240
Oh..., it's Mr. Schweik!
A coffee, please.
823
00:59:59,480 --> 01:00:03,520
A coffee for everybody, please. Right.
Thank you.
824
01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:08,040
- Cheers!
825
01:00:08,120 --> 01:00:10,880
Your health! You know, after all,
we shouldn't drink to you health...
826
01:00:13,800 --> 01:00:15,760
- Tell us,
why are they going to string you up?
827
01:00:17,120 --> 01:00:19,400
- Perhaps he was born
on an unlucky planet.
828
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:21,520
- But they won't hang somebody
for nothing!
829
01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:24,280
There has to be a reason for it!
830
01:00:24,680 --> 01:00:27,240
So that the... is reasonable!
831
01:00:27,680 --> 01:00:29,160
- It's not like that in war.
832
01:00:30,280 --> 01:00:33,000
You're supposed to fall at the front,
or be executed at home...
833
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:35,560
What difference does it make?
834
01:00:36,240 --> 01:00:38,080
- Aren't you a little bit political?
835
01:00:39,160 --> 01:00:41,120
- Too much!
- Let's knock it on the head!
836
01:00:41,720 --> 01:00:43,280
- If you'd be smart boys,
buy us a drink!
837
01:00:43,560 --> 01:00:45,160
- Of course, ladies!
Why not?
838
01:00:45,720 --> 01:00:48,240
Waiter, come here!
Ferda, vermouth!
839
01:00:48,920 --> 01:00:50,720
...by a little window
840
01:00:50,800 --> 01:00:52,840
sits a beautiful blonde.
841
01:00:52,960 --> 01:00:55,840
Sits a beautiful blonde.
842
01:00:57,080 --> 01:00:58,880
By a little window
843
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:01,000
sits a beautiful blonde.
844
01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:03,960
Sits a beautiful blonde.
845
01:01:05,200 --> 01:01:08,280
Come closer soldier boy,
846
01:01:09,120 --> 01:01:12,400
you're not afraid of a girl?!
847
01:01:13,160 --> 01:01:15,000
I touched the handle,
848
01:01:15,080 --> 01:01:17,000
and I heard music.
849
01:01:17,080 --> 01:01:20,000
And I heard music.
850
01:01:21,120 --> 01:01:23,000
I touched the handle,
851
01:01:23,120 --> 01:01:25,000
And I heard music.
852
01:01:25,080 --> 01:01:28,160
And I heard music.
853
01:01:28,920 --> 01:01:32,400
My dear Kamila...
854
01:01:34,880 --> 01:01:39,160
- Madam,
that Vermouth is like water!
855
01:01:39,240 --> 01:01:44,000
Send us a bottle of something decent.
That gent's going to say for it all!
856
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:45,640
- In a moment! In a moment!
857
01:01:46,280 --> 01:01:48,800
- I've a small farm
in Holovousy.
858
01:01:49,440 --> 01:01:52,880
There's lovely apples in my garden.
859
01:01:53,760 --> 01:01:58,600
When I get my Urlaub,
I'll bring you half a ton.
860
01:01:58,920 --> 01:02:01,760
- And what have you got in your pocket?
- That? That's a state secret!
861
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,400
- Here you are, ladies and gents!
- The Devil's Liquor!
862
01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:09,840
- You're my sweetie-pie,
sweetie-pie.
863
01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:14,280
You're my,
You're my
864
01:02:14,560 --> 01:02:17,440
sweetie-pie.
865
01:02:18,120 --> 01:02:21,040
You're my, you're...
- Come outside with me!
866
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:23,200
For a fiver, I'll give you
a nice injection, petrol, you know,
867
01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:25,600
and you're sure to be in hospital
for at least 3 months!
868
01:02:26,120 --> 01:02:29,720
- Don't be scared! That man's a medic.
Nobody II be the wiser
869
01:02:29,800 --> 01:02:31,640
and you'll be nice and safe
for a long time!
870
01:02:34,520 --> 01:02:35,960
- Hahaha. A medice...!
Hahaha.
871
01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:43,320
- Ouch!
872
01:03:09,640 --> 01:03:11,120
- Hip, hip, hip,
hip!
873
01:03:12,600 --> 01:03:14,080
Hip, hip, hip, hip!
874
01:03:15,600 --> 01:03:17,080
Hip, hip!
875
01:03:43,960 --> 01:03:48,920
- Come to me, those who have wine!
As I'm thirsty!
876
01:03:51,280 --> 01:03:54,160
- Come here,
my little muff!
877
01:04:00,400 --> 01:04:01,840
- Oh, well!
878
01:04:12,280 --> 01:04:13,920
So you're here, Schweik,
are you?
879
01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:15,640
- Beg to report, Sir.
A package!
880
01:04:16,800 --> 01:04:19,320
- I say, got a match?
- Beg to report, Sir, I haven't.
881
01:04:19,720 --> 01:04:23,200
- I say, why not?
Every soldier ought to have matches
882
01:04:23,360 --> 01:04:26,200
to light up with.
A soldier without matches is...
883
01:04:27,240 --> 01:04:29,280
What is he?
- Beg to report, Sir, he's matchless.
884
01:04:31,520 --> 01:04:34,400
- Obviously, very good.
He's without matches
885
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:36,920
and can't give anybody a light.
886
01:04:37,040 --> 01:04:38,520
That's it.
887
01:04:39,640 --> 01:04:41,120
Do you drink liquor, Schweik?
888
01:04:41,200 --> 01:04:42,640
- No liquor for me, Sir,
only rum.
889
01:04:43,560 --> 01:04:45,280
- Just take a look at that big lout
over there! Come here!
890
01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:48,600
I borrowed him today
from Lieutenant Feldhuber.
891
01:04:48,800 --> 01:04:50,360
He's a...
He's a teetotaller!
892
01:04:50,920 --> 01:04:52,400
Aren't you ashamed of yourself,
you bloody fool?
893
01:04:52,480 --> 01:04:53,920
Do you know what you deserve?
A punch in the jaw...!
894
01:04:58,640 --> 01:05:00,120
So you're drunk!
895
01:05:02,200 --> 01:05:03,760
You're drunk while on duty
896
01:05:04,440 --> 01:05:05,920
and you'll be punished for it!
I'll have you arrested!
897
01:05:06,640 --> 01:05:08,920
Right now, I'm going to phone
for the MPs.
898
01:05:17,640 --> 01:05:21,360
Hallo! Hallo! What are you doing
at that switch - board?
899
01:05:21,720 --> 01:05:26,400
Let me have the K. And K.
Korpskommando immediately!
900
01:05:26,920 --> 01:05:30,040
What? What do you say?
I don't understand a single word!
901
01:05:32,080 --> 01:05:34,160
- Don't be a fool now!
902
01:05:35,440 --> 01:05:36,960
It was us escorting you, wasn't it?
903
01:05:37,800 --> 01:05:40,320
- Well, my dears,
as Napoleon used to say:
904
01:05:40,440 --> 01:05:42,840
"In war, the situation changes
from one moment to another..."
905
01:05:43,320 --> 01:05:44,760
- I could do with a drink!
906
01:05:46,320 --> 01:05:48,440
- I can't get through
to the barracks.
907
01:05:50,200 --> 01:05:52,400
So, go home, the two of you! Run away!
And remember,
908
01:05:52,480 --> 01:05:55,840
mustn't booze while on duty!
Out with you!
909
01:06:42,480 --> 01:06:43,920
- Sir!
910
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:49,800
- Madam,
I'm sure it can't be Christmas already?
911
01:06:56,640 --> 01:06:58,120
I want some more Eau de Cologne!
912
01:07:01,520 --> 01:07:04,720
- Sir!
Here's some black coffee.
913
01:07:16,800 --> 01:07:19,440
- Listen... you...
- Schweik!
914
01:07:19,520 --> 01:07:21,760
- Schweik.
- Schweik, tell me,
915
01:07:22,600 --> 01:07:25,920
didn't I misbehave yesterday?
916
01:07:26,280 --> 01:07:28,480
- Beg to report, Sir,
everything went smoothly.
917
01:07:29,120 --> 01:07:31,000
Only when I was letting the ladies
out of the house,
918
01:07:31,760 --> 01:07:36,240
a gent, looking like a Turk
with a Fez on his head,
919
01:07:36,520 --> 01:07:38,000
came out of the door opposite ours
and tried to cause a disturbance.
920
01:07:38,080 --> 01:07:40,080
- And what was the result?
- I gave him a punch on the jaw
921
01:07:40,160 --> 01:07:41,840
and he calmed down.
- You shouldn't have done it!
922
01:07:41,920 --> 01:07:44,000
That was the Landlord...
- Well, now he knows
923
01:07:44,080 --> 01:07:47,040
that owning a house is no fun!
924
01:07:47,520 --> 01:07:50,400
It couldn't happen to us!
We don't own a house.
925
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:52,800
- There you're right.
926
01:07:53,360 --> 01:07:54,800
All we own is...
927
01:08:00,000 --> 01:08:02,960
Schweik, all we own is...
928
01:08:04,040 --> 01:08:05,520
...36 pennies.
929
01:08:07,760 --> 01:08:09,880
I wish I was employed
at the Quartermaster's Store,
930
01:08:10,800 --> 01:08:14,720
there I could at least pinch a barrel
of rum or some lard.
931
01:08:15,040 --> 01:08:16,520
But what shall we do?
932
01:08:17,440 --> 01:08:18,960
What about selling the sofa?
933
01:08:19,360 --> 01:08:21,520
- We wouldn't get much for that one.
- You think so?
934
01:08:22,280 --> 01:08:25,840
Let's keep it then!
It belongs to the Landlord anyway.
935
01:08:25,960 --> 01:08:28,760
I know what we'll do, Schweik.
I'll give you three addresses
936
01:08:28,840 --> 01:08:31,520
to go to and borrow money.
You'll go to Bruska street...
937
01:08:31,960 --> 01:08:34,280
...to Captain Schnabel s and ask him
938
01:08:34,440 --> 01:08:35,880
to lend me a hundred crowns.
939
01:08:35,960 --> 01:08:37,560
He was lucky at cards two days ago
so what.
940
01:08:37,760 --> 01:08:40,600
And in case you're not successful there,
you'll go to the Vrsovice barracks
941
01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:42,840
and ask for Lieutenant Mahler.
942
01:08:43,760 --> 01:08:45,960
- The chaplain isn't at home!
- So he isn't in...?
943
01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:47,560
- I told you already,
that he isn't in!
944
01:08:47,640 --> 01:08:49,600
- So he went to the coffee - house...?
- You'd have to
945
01:08:49,680 --> 01:08:51,800
wait somewhere!
- So I'd have to wait?
946
01:08:51,880 --> 01:08:54,480
Well, all right, I'll wait.
947
01:08:54,840 --> 01:08:56,320
Till tomorrow morning,
if necessary.
948
01:08:58,280 --> 01:08:59,720
Fine thing, he's got money
for the coffee house,
949
01:08:59,800 --> 01:09:01,760
but no money to pay his debts with!
950
01:09:10,760 --> 01:09:13,400
A fine Chaplain, pfui!
951
01:09:13,960 --> 01:09:15,440
- Sir, I ask you not to spit here!
952
01:09:15,640 --> 01:09:17,600
- And I'll spit once more,
if I feel like it!
953
01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:20,800
Like this. Do you see?
954
01:09:21,480 --> 01:09:24,720
- If you're an educated man,
behave yourself
955
01:09:25,480 --> 01:09:26,920
and don't act like a vagabond!
956
01:09:27,320 --> 01:09:29,000
- So I don't behave decently?
957
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:31,760
And what do I behave like, tell me!
Just you tell me, you...
958
01:09:31,880 --> 01:09:33,440
- A hooligan, that's what you are!
Spitting on the floor
959
01:09:33,520 --> 01:09:35,520
just like in a train.
I was wondering all the time,
960
01:09:35,600 --> 01:09:38,880
why there are notices everywhere,
about not spitting on the floor!
961
01:09:39,120 --> 01:09:41,000
Now I know, it's because of you,
962
01:09:41,200 --> 01:09:43,560
you must be a very well known person!
963
01:09:43,760 --> 01:09:45,400
- You dirty creature!
You...
964
01:09:46,080 --> 01:09:48,600
Let go of me!
I am an honourable citizen!
965
01:09:48,720 --> 01:09:50,520
Let go of me!
Let go of me!
966
01:10:40,400 --> 01:10:42,000
- Are you crazy?
967
01:10:42,320 --> 01:10:45,240
- Beg to report, Sir, that I took care
of everything, just like you told me to.
968
01:10:46,280 --> 01:10:48,000
Supper is served in the drawing room.
969
01:10:48,520 --> 01:10:49,960
I shall now go and fry some eggs.
970
01:10:51,400 --> 01:10:52,840
- On bacon, too!
971
01:10:58,920 --> 01:11:01,640
Who was it that lent us money?
- Beg to report, Sir, all of them.
972
01:11:01,720 --> 01:11:04,440
I only had to crawl on my knees
in front of Captain Schnabel.
973
01:11:05,120 --> 01:11:06,720
That one is a right bastard.
974
01:11:07,080 --> 01:11:09,160
But when I told him about your
paternity case...
975
01:11:10,000 --> 01:11:11,480
- Paternity case?
976
01:11:11,560 --> 01:11:13,960
- Of course, alimony, you know,
paying a girl so much every week.
977
01:11:15,200 --> 01:11:17,360
You told me to spin
any yarn I pleased, so...
978
01:11:18,320 --> 01:11:19,760
- And what did Captain Schnabel say?
979
01:11:19,920 --> 01:11:21,520
- There were about five gentlemen
present,
980
01:11:21,600 --> 01:11:23,280
and they all asked me what sort
of a girl it was,
981
01:11:24,160 --> 01:11:27,760
so I told them she was a very smart
little bit, not quite fifteen yet.
982
01:11:28,400 --> 01:11:29,840
Then they all wanted to have
her address.
983
01:11:30,160 --> 01:11:31,720
- You've made a nice mess of it,
I must say!
984
01:11:31,840 --> 01:11:35,280
- Don't you worry, Chaplain,
I gave them the address of a deaf lady
985
01:11:35,400 --> 01:11:38,000
down our street.
986
01:11:44,560 --> 01:11:46,000
I told you already that he isn't in!
987
01:11:46,160 --> 01:11:48,160
- Don't lie to me,
he's just returned!
988
01:11:48,440 --> 01:11:51,560
- He's returned all right,
but he isn't at home to anybody!
989
01:11:51,640 --> 01:11:54,480
- That's no concern of mine!
- He's preparing tomorrow's sermon!
990
01:11:54,560 --> 01:11:57,040
- Leave me alone, man!
Leave me alone!
991
01:11:57,720 --> 01:11:59,520
Chaplain, I have to protest!
992
01:12:00,160 --> 01:12:04,000
I'm not used to that sort of treatment!
- My batman is certainly not right!
993
01:12:04,520 --> 01:12:05,960
A guest in the house means God
in the house!
994
01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:09,440
- Beg to report, Sir, that bloke
is very difficult to dispose of,
995
01:12:09,680 --> 01:12:11,320
just like a certain Bouska from Liben.
996
01:12:11,440 --> 01:12:13,960
They once kicked him out of Exeter's
eighteen times
997
01:12:14,040 --> 01:12:17,200
and he always returned
saying that he'd left his pipe behind.
998
01:12:17,280 --> 01:12:18,920
- You're joking!
- He was that persevering,
999
01:12:19,880 --> 01:12:21,360
he could have become
a cabinet - minister.
1000
01:12:21,440 --> 01:12:22,960
- I hope that I'm not here
to be made fun of!
1001
01:12:24,920 --> 01:12:26,760
- Take a chair, please!
- Thank you.
1002
01:12:29,400 --> 01:12:33,400
- We are having Hungarian salami,
sardines, salmon,
1003
01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:35,680
and some fried eggs.
1004
01:12:37,360 --> 01:12:40,560
Isn't it nice to have a rest
on borrowed money!
1005
01:12:41,400 --> 01:12:44,440
- I insist that you listen
to what I have to say!
1006
01:12:44,640 --> 01:12:46,240
- I hope I'm right in assuming
that you came to get money
1007
01:12:46,400 --> 01:12:48,720
for the check I gave you?
1008
01:12:48,960 --> 01:12:53,920
- Yes, Chaplain, and I hope,
that I won't have to leave without it!
1009
01:12:57,360 --> 01:12:59,000
- What are you doing?
- Beg to report, Sir,
1010
01:12:59,080 --> 01:13:01,480
that I already had some difficulties
with this gentleman.
1011
01:13:01,800 --> 01:13:04,440
- Leave us, Schweik!
We have a private matter to discuss!
1012
01:13:04,960 --> 01:13:06,840
- Beg to report, Sir,
I am leaving you!
1013
01:13:10,240 --> 01:13:12,120
- Listen, Chaplain, if there was no wow.
I wouldn't press you.
1014
01:13:12,440 --> 01:13:14,520
But I had a number of very sad
experiences!
1015
01:13:15,640 --> 01:13:19,240
Take the case of Lieutenant Janota,
1016
01:13:20,000 --> 01:13:22,920
who owed me 700 crowns
and got himself killed at Dryne.
1017
01:13:24,760 --> 01:13:28,920
Lieutenant Prasek, 2000 crowns,
taken prisoner by the Russians.
1018
01:13:29,920 --> 01:13:33,400
Captain Wichterle, Lieutenant Machek,
both imprisoned by the Serbians,
1019
01:13:33,880 --> 01:13:37,320
each of them owing me 1500 crowns!
1020
01:13:38,160 --> 01:13:39,600
You must understand my anxiety...
1021
01:13:39,960 --> 01:13:41,440
- But, Mister I am not...
1022
01:13:41,520 --> 01:13:42,960
- I know what you're going to say,
Chaplain!
1023
01:13:43,080 --> 01:13:44,680
That a priest is in no direct danger...
1024
01:13:46,400 --> 01:13:50,680
But listen! Army Chaplain Mathis
died a week ago at Brno!
1025
01:13:53,960 --> 01:13:55,480
He failed to pay me 1800 crowns
1026
01:13:55,560 --> 01:13:57,960
and went to supply extreme unction
to a chap,
1027
01:13:58,080 --> 01:13:59,840
who had the plague
and who was no concern of his anyway!
1028
01:14:00,280 --> 01:14:02,640
- That's his duty.
I'm going to do the same thing tomorrow.
1029
01:14:02,720 --> 01:14:04,520
- And he's also going
into the plague hospital!
1030
01:14:04,920 --> 01:14:07,640
- Tell me, Chaplain,
is this war only on
1031
01:14:07,920 --> 01:14:10,480
to finish off all my debtors?
1032
01:14:11,560 --> 01:14:13,480
- Schweik, I'm beginning
to get bored.
1033
01:14:14,320 --> 01:14:15,760
Tell him in a gentle way:
1034
01:14:15,840 --> 01:14:18,440
"The Chaplain in not going
to give you any money!
1035
01:14:18,680 --> 01:14:20,680
- I'm not going to budge
till I get it!
1036
01:14:21,280 --> 01:14:22,800
- If that's the case, Schweik,
1037
01:14:23,600 --> 01:14:24,960
dispose of him in any way
that pleases you!
1038
01:14:25,120 --> 01:14:27,360
- I'm not going, it's a shame,
you've tricked me!
1039
01:14:27,480 --> 01:14:29,200
- Make no noise, you hoodlum!
1040
01:14:29,520 --> 01:14:31,760
The Chaplain has to study!
- I know he's trying to figure out
1041
01:14:31,840 --> 01:14:33,840
how to cheat honest people out
of their money!
1042
01:14:33,920 --> 01:14:35,960
You cheeky lout!
You've ruined me!
1043
01:15:07,600 --> 01:15:10,160
Wiener Blot... tralala...
1044
01:15:10,280 --> 01:15:14,280
Wiener Blot... tralala...
...tralalala...
1045
01:15:19,040 --> 01:15:21,360
- God, I'm grateful we've found
the place.
1046
01:15:21,880 --> 01:15:23,480
I'd been driving him around
for two hours
1047
01:15:23,560 --> 01:15:25,120
before I managed to squeeze an address
out of him.
1048
01:15:25,880 --> 01:15:27,520
He's been sick all over my cab
1049
01:15:27,960 --> 01:15:29,600
and now I can't get any money
out of him!
1050
01:15:30,800 --> 01:15:33,880
- Chaplain...!
- Stop! I have to drive on!
1051
01:15:34,120 --> 01:15:36,640
I'm changing at Nymburk!
- Help me!
1052
01:15:43,440 --> 01:15:45,360
- Gentlemen, I'm not going to have
a steam - bath!
1053
01:15:46,560 --> 01:15:48,040
- Of course not - come here!
1054
01:15:54,360 --> 01:15:57,080
Give it to me!
No more booze!
1055
01:15:58,920 --> 01:16:00,440
- Take those skates off!
1056
01:16:03,040 --> 01:16:05,640
- Chaplain...!
1057
01:16:05,720 --> 01:16:09,080
It's me, Schweik!
1058
01:16:09,160 --> 01:16:11,120
We have to pay for the cab.
1059
01:16:11,200 --> 01:16:12,920
- Do you believe in immortality?
1060
01:16:13,360 --> 01:16:15,920
Tell me one thing!
Can a horse get into heaven?
1061
01:16:16,000 --> 01:16:19,160
- Be quick about paying for the fare!
I've other parties to take care of!
1062
01:16:19,520 --> 01:16:21,880
- Chaplain, he wants money!
1063
01:16:33,080 --> 01:16:34,520
- Here, take the lot!
Ich kann bezahlen!
1064
01:16:36,360 --> 01:16:37,800
A penny more or less doesn t matter
to me!
1065
01:16:37,880 --> 01:16:40,600
- Hergott!
1066
01:16:40,680 --> 01:16:42,920
- Wait!
We've got to search him.
1067
01:16:43,760 --> 01:16:45,760
- Of course! All those, who are dead,
1068
01:16:45,880 --> 01:16:48,760
report to the Korpskommando
within three days,
1069
01:16:49,080 --> 01:16:50,640
to got a Christian burial!
1070
01:16:51,920 --> 01:16:53,600
Lady don't tickle me!
1071
01:16:58,200 --> 01:17:00,520
- That's not enough!
I took him round the town
1072
01:17:00,600 --> 01:17:02,160
three times!
1073
01:17:02,240 --> 01:17:04,920
- We've got no more.
- A fine business...! Pfui!
1074
01:17:15,960 --> 01:17:17,440
- The fire won't burn!
1075
01:17:17,520 --> 01:17:19,800
Somebody must be blowing on it!
1076
01:17:22,080 --> 01:17:23,960
I want something, but I don't know what.
1077
01:17:24,160 --> 01:17:26,840
I don't know what!
Don't you know what I want?
1078
01:17:27,800 --> 01:17:31,120
But I couldn't care less,
and neither could you, Schweik!
1079
01:17:31,200 --> 01:17:32,720
- Sit down!
1080
01:17:33,360 --> 01:17:36,240
- Oh, I'm so alone,
in the world!
1081
01:17:37,640 --> 01:17:40,320
People, Schweik,
I've got to tell you something.
1082
01:17:40,560 --> 01:17:41,520
I've got a confession to make.
1083
01:17:41,600 --> 01:17:42,880
I, a repentant sinner, confess
and admit.
1084
01:17:42,960 --> 01:17:44,520
- Don't lie on the floor!
- I have to confess to you!
1085
01:17:44,600 --> 01:17:46,720
- Chaplain...
will you lie down!
1086
01:17:48,240 --> 01:17:49,680
- I have to...
1087
01:17:59,800 --> 01:18:03,240
Ladies, I have a lovely joke for you!
1088
01:18:04,320 --> 01:18:06,160
There was once a drummer living
in Budejovice,
1089
01:18:06,880 --> 01:18:09,200
he got married and died within a year!
1090
01:18:10,480 --> 01:18:12,200
Isn't in lovely?
1091
01:18:25,440 --> 01:18:29,200
Madam,
what a sweet boy you've got!
1092
01:18:29,920 --> 01:18:32,800
Look, what uncle has brought you!
Right. Look!
1093
01:18:33,480 --> 01:18:35,400
Boodlicky!
Boodlicky, boodlicky,
1094
01:18:35,480 --> 01:18:36,920
boodlicky, boodlicky...
1095
01:18:37,760 --> 01:18:39,560
I want a Cognac!
Where is it?
1096
01:18:47,880 --> 01:18:49,440
Come here! Come here!
Come here! Come here! Come here!
1097
01:18:52,280 --> 01:18:56,800
Come here! Come here! Come here!
1098
01:19:01,600 --> 01:19:03,200
- Come on, lie down quietly,
1099
01:19:04,240 --> 01:19:07,160
Come on!
Or I'll have to hit you one!
1100
01:19:07,520 --> 01:19:10,280
- You're such a good boy.
I'll have to marry you off to my sister.
1101
01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:18,360
- Hello!
Chaplain, do you hear me?
1102
01:19:19,400 --> 01:19:23,120
- Is that you, Schweik?
What am I doing here?
1103
01:19:23,680 --> 01:19:26,760
- It seems you're suffering
from a slight attack of the DTs.
1104
01:19:28,840 --> 01:19:33,040
- Yesterday, I've lost all my money.
1105
01:19:33,840 --> 01:19:35,320
Even you, Schweik.
1106
01:19:35,840 --> 01:19:38,680
I've lost you at cards.
1107
01:19:39,560 --> 01:19:43,520
I've thrown you into the clutches
of Lieutenant Lukas!
1108
01:19:43,680 --> 01:19:45,160
- Well, that's not the end of the world!
1109
01:19:45,240 --> 01:19:46,680
In a few days time,
we'll get money somehow...
1110
01:19:46,800 --> 01:19:49,160
- Oh no, it's impossible!
Quite impossible, Schweik!
1111
01:19:49,360 --> 01:19:51,560
You know, debts at cards...
1112
01:19:51,720 --> 01:19:54,440
...debts at cards are debts of honour.
1113
01:19:54,800 --> 01:19:56,400
And I am an officer!
1114
01:19:57,120 --> 01:20:00,920
Habacht!
Abtreten!
1115
01:20:04,720 --> 01:20:07,320
Jesus Christ!
- When I was serving you
1116
01:20:07,400 --> 01:20:08,840
for the first year.
1117
01:20:10,280 --> 01:20:15,240
- Tralala
lalala...
1118
01:20:35,640 --> 01:20:37,400
- Beg to report, Sir,
that I'm here.
1119
01:20:38,000 --> 01:20:39,480
- Hm.
1120
01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:45,040
Turn round!
1121
01:20:45,440 --> 01:20:46,880
- Some more, Sir?
- Halt!
1122
01:20:47,280 --> 01:20:52,240
Well, finally you lock almost
like a soldier!
1123
01:20:52,960 --> 01:20:56,440
Did they even supply you with a coat?
- Beg to report, Sir, even with a coat.
1124
01:20:57,400 --> 01:20:58,840
- I give you a fair warning,
I'm very strict!
1125
01:20:59,680 --> 01:21:01,760
Tell me, do you know
what a batman is supposed to do?
1126
01:21:02,240 --> 01:21:04,280
- A batman is an officer's servant,
boot - polish and pipe - cleaner.
1127
01:21:05,560 --> 01:21:07,680
- If I say:
"Jump into the fire!",
1128
01:21:08,240 --> 01:21:10,840
why, into the fire you've got to jump,
whether you like it or not.
1129
01:21:11,680 --> 01:21:13,160
What are you staring at?
1130
01:21:13,440 --> 01:21:17,160
- Beg to report, Sir,
that's a Harz canary.
1131
01:21:18,080 --> 01:21:20,880
- Are you fond of animals?
1132
01:21:21,040 --> 01:21:22,640
- It's dogs I fancy most, Sir.
1133
01:21:22,960 --> 01:21:25,480
If you'd like me to...
- I am fond of dogs too -
1134
01:21:25,720 --> 01:21:27,200
as companions.
1135
01:21:27,760 --> 01:21:30,440
I used to have a stable dog once.
1136
01:21:30,960 --> 01:21:33,080
- Stable dogs are the best, Sir.
1137
01:21:33,480 --> 01:21:36,280
A stable dog is not to everybody's
liking, he's got such hard whiskers
1138
01:21:36,360 --> 01:21:38,440
and looks like a released prisoner,
1139
01:21:38,640 --> 01:21:42,520
but he's so ugly he's almost beautiful.
1140
01:21:43,200 --> 01:21:45,800
- Hm.
Well, when you get the chance,
1141
01:21:46,320 --> 01:21:48,200
bring me a dog.
1142
01:21:48,760 --> 01:21:50,280
Hand me my sword now!
1143
01:21:51,440 --> 01:21:53,960
And remember:
I love everything clean
1144
01:21:54,280 --> 01:21:56,280
and tidy!
And I can't stand lies.
1145
01:21:56,720 --> 01:21:59,120
I love honesty and I hate lies.
1146
01:21:59,560 --> 01:22:01,280
Lies I punish without mercy,
is that understood?
1147
01:22:02,240 --> 01:22:04,040
- Beg to report, Sir,
quite.
1148
01:22:04,280 --> 01:22:06,960
There's nothing worse than a liar.
1149
01:22:07,920 --> 01:22:09,120
- Oh, well.
1150
01:22:09,280 --> 01:22:10,960
- And as far as honesty
is concerned, Sir,
1151
01:22:11,280 --> 01:22:15,760
there's nothing nicer,
because with honesty you get places.
1152
01:22:15,920 --> 01:22:17,800
Take for instance a walking contest.
1153
01:22:18,200 --> 01:22:20,160
As soon as you start doing tricks
and running,
1154
01:22:20,680 --> 01:22:22,160
you're disqualified.
1155
01:22:22,360 --> 01:22:24,320
That happened to a cousin of mine.
1156
01:22:25,120 --> 01:22:28,640
A honest man is respected everywhere,
1157
01:22:29,080 --> 01:22:32,760
he's satisfied with himself
and he feels like a new - born babe,
1158
01:22:32,840 --> 01:22:34,760
when he goes to bed and can say:
1159
01:22:35,560 --> 01:22:38,400
"Well, I've been honest again today."
1160
01:22:39,880 --> 01:22:41,920
- The Chaplain
recommended you to me
1161
01:22:42,480 --> 01:22:45,480
as a champion idiot. And I'm inclined
to think that he wasn't far wrong.
1162
01:22:45,800 --> 01:22:48,720
- Beg to report, Sir, I was discharged
from doing my regular service,
1163
01:22:48,800 --> 01:22:50,360
for being feeble - minded.
There were two of us discharged
1164
01:22:50,480 --> 01:22:52,760
for the same reason at the time -
1165
01:22:52,880 --> 01:22:56,160
me and a captain von Kaunitz.
1166
01:22:58,000 --> 01:23:00,960
- Hm.
Er... what did I want?
1167
01:23:01,280 --> 01:23:02,720
Now, Schweik, comes the main thing!
1168
01:23:02,840 --> 01:23:05,120
Sometimes, ladies come to see me.
One or the other
1169
01:23:05,720 --> 01:23:07,640
may stay all night.
1170
01:23:08,040 --> 01:23:10,400
In a case like that, you'll bring coffee
for two into the bedroom,
1171
01:23:10,480 --> 01:23:15,080
but be sure not to enter till I ring!
1172
01:23:18,000 --> 01:23:19,600
Do you hear me?
- Beg to report, Sir,
1173
01:23:19,680 --> 01:23:21,840
I know what it means
to come at the wrong time.
1174
01:23:22,720 --> 01:23:24,360
Once, I took a young woman home with me,
1175
01:23:24,600 --> 01:23:26,520
and just as we were getting on fine
together,
1176
01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:29,320
my charwomen brought me the coffee.
1177
01:23:29,480 --> 01:23:33,400
She didn't half have a fright,
poured all the hot coffee down my back
1178
01:23:33,720 --> 01:23:35,880
and said "Good morning" on top of it.
1179
01:23:35,960 --> 01:23:37,960
- I'm on duty today.
I shan t be home till late.
1180
01:23:38,120 --> 01:23:39,560
Tidy the place up a bit.
1181
01:23:40,080 --> 01:23:42,280
The last orderly was not good at all
1182
01:23:42,360 --> 01:23:44,160
and he's leaving today with a draft
for the front!
1183
01:23:44,480 --> 01:23:46,480
And don't let anyone
into the apartment!
1184
01:23:49,520 --> 01:23:53,560
- Oak leaf,
1185
01:23:54,520 --> 01:23:58,640
don't fall into the river!
1186
01:23:59,720 --> 01:24:03,960
Oak leaf,
1187
01:24:04,840 --> 01:24:08,840
don't fall into the river!
1188
01:24:09,800 --> 01:24:12,800
The water would carry you away
1189
01:24:12,960 --> 01:24:15,640
and that would make me sad.
1190
01:24:15,720 --> 01:24:19,360
Oak leaf.
1191
01:25:03,840 --> 01:25:05,520
- Are you the Lieutenant's Batman?
1192
01:25:05,600 --> 01:25:07,080
- That I am!
- Well, why don't you open up?
1193
01:25:07,160 --> 01:25:09,040
Why do you leave me to kick my feet
outside?
1194
01:25:09,160 --> 01:25:10,840
- I didn't...
...Hear the bell! I know.
1195
01:25:11,120 --> 01:25:13,480
Don't lie to me!
You know very well that I rang the bell!
1196
01:25:13,920 --> 01:25:15,600
Take those suitcases inside!
1197
01:25:15,800 --> 01:25:18,200
- I can't do that without
the Lieutenant's permission!
1198
01:25:18,680 --> 01:25:22,600
- Do as I told you
take those suitcases into the room!
1199
01:25:22,680 --> 01:25:25,080
- Lady, the only order
I got was to get a stable dog.
1200
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:28,280
I know nothing whatever
about your suitcases!
1201
01:25:28,600 --> 01:25:30,960
- So you won't
take my cases in?
1202
01:25:31,360 --> 01:25:32,480
- As I've told you.
1203
01:25:32,600 --> 01:25:35,920
Till I get an army order,
I don't know my own brother!
1204
01:25:36,880 --> 01:25:38,960
Now, I'm going to lock up and of course
I can't leave a stranger
1205
01:25:39,040 --> 01:25:40,560
in the apartment.
1206
01:25:41,440 --> 01:25:42,880
So please...
- Ha ha!
1207
01:25:43,200 --> 01:25:44,640
You must be crazy!
1208
01:25:46,040 --> 01:25:48,560
I've come to visit...
1209
01:25:49,360 --> 01:25:51,640
...the Lieutenant.
- That's an old one!
1210
01:25:52,400 --> 01:25:54,560
In our street, someone came to visit
1211
01:25:54,680 --> 01:25:57,560
Belicsky, the confectioner,
1212
01:25:58,080 --> 01:26:00,080
once in his absence,
1213
01:26:00,160 --> 01:26:02,720
opened all the wardrobes and ran away
with the contents.
1214
01:26:03,040 --> 01:26:04,560
- For the last time -
1215
01:26:04,640 --> 01:26:07,240
take those cases in!
- Excuse me, Madam!
1216
01:26:08,120 --> 01:26:10,280
I've been entrusted with the whole
apartment.
1217
01:26:10,680 --> 01:26:13,160
I'm responsible for every single bit
of it.
1218
01:26:34,520 --> 01:26:37,240
I'm really sorry
I've got to talk to you like this,
1219
01:26:37,320 --> 01:26:39,880
but there's got to be some order
in the army.
1220
01:26:41,880 --> 01:26:43,640
- Take this
to the Lieutenant!
1221
01:26:46,560 --> 01:26:50,320
Here's a five crowns tip for you,
and I'll wait here!
1222
01:26:50,680 --> 01:26:53,800
- No play, Madam.
Keep your five crowns.
1223
01:26:54,240 --> 01:26:56,560
If you insist, you can come
to the barracks with me.
1224
01:26:56,640 --> 01:26:58,720
I'll hand your letter over
to the Lieutenant
1225
01:26:59,000 --> 01:27:01,520
and you can wait for the answer.
1226
01:27:03,560 --> 01:27:05,120
Now, I'm going to lock up!
1227
01:27:56,560 --> 01:27:57,400
- What's the matter?
1228
01:27:57,480 --> 01:27:59,080
- Beg to report, Sir, here's a letter
for you.
1229
01:28:12,200 --> 01:28:15,240
- The lady says that you are a beast!
What have you done to her?
1230
01:28:15,400 --> 01:28:17,960
- Beg to report, Sir, nothing.
She wanted to move into your apartment,
1231
01:28:18,080 --> 01:28:19,520
suitcases and all.
1232
01:28:19,600 --> 01:28:22,040
- What? What's that?
- I prevented her from doing it.
1233
01:28:23,280 --> 01:28:27,400
I know of a draper in Vojtesska,
who once took a lady to live with him,
1234
01:28:28,000 --> 01:28:30,040
and then couldn't get rid of her,
1235
01:28:30,480 --> 01:28:33,360
so he had to poison himself
with coal - gas, and her as well.
1236
01:28:34,120 --> 01:28:36,760
- Where is she now?
- Waiting, outside the gate!
1237
01:28:41,440 --> 01:28:44,880
My orders, Madam,
are to treat you politely
1238
01:28:45,240 --> 01:28:48,040
and to do everything you might wish.
1239
01:28:48,320 --> 01:28:49,880
And I've got a hundred crowns
to do it with.
1240
01:28:50,120 --> 01:28:51,560
- Get a cab!
1241
01:29:35,360 --> 01:29:40,320
It's a good fairy that sent me to you,
tralala, tralala...
1242
01:31:09,600 --> 01:31:12,560
What do you say to that, Schweik?
1243
01:31:14,200 --> 01:31:16,280
- As the Staff H. O. Would put it
in their reports:
1244
01:31:17,040 --> 01:31:19,560
After a carefully prepared retreat,
we entrenched ourselves
1245
01:31:20,640 --> 01:31:22,720
in positions prepared beforehand.
1246
01:32:05,520 --> 01:32:08,400
- Schweik!
Where are you?!
1247
01:32:09,120 --> 01:32:10,800
- Beg to report that I'm here.
1248
01:32:12,000 --> 01:32:13,720
- Come in!
1249
01:32:18,120 --> 01:32:20,360
- Inside, you mean?
- Of course.
1250
01:32:20,560 --> 01:32:22,600
I want you to scrub my back!
1251
01:32:27,680 --> 01:32:29,200
- Wouldn't you like to wait
1252
01:32:31,200 --> 01:32:32,880
till the Lieutenant comes home?
1253
01:32:33,360 --> 01:32:36,640
- No.
I want it done right now! And by you!
1254
01:33:32,000 --> 01:33:34,520
- Everything all right, Schweik?
- Beg to report, Sir,
1255
01:33:35,400 --> 01:33:39,040
that I've fulfilled all the lady's
wishes, as you instructed me.
1256
01:33:39,840 --> 01:33:42,880
- Thank you very much, Schweik.
And did she want many things done?
1257
01:33:44,080 --> 01:33:45,800
- About... six, Sir.
1258
01:33:46,040 --> 01:33:48,800
And now she's sound asleep.
I did everything I saw she wanted,
1259
01:33:48,880 --> 01:33:50,480
although she didn't actually
ask for it...
1260
01:33:51,160 --> 01:33:53,680
- Thanks, I'm glad
I can rely on you in everything.
1261
01:34:19,000 --> 01:34:20,800
- Beg to report, Sir,
that I'm waiting here.
1262
01:34:21,120 --> 01:34:22,840
- I've asked you
to come, Schweik,
1263
01:34:23,480 --> 01:34:25,960
because we have to talk in confidence.
1264
01:34:27,320 --> 01:34:29,440
What's going on at home?
What is she doing?
1265
01:34:29,840 --> 01:34:32,560
- She just broke that large bottle
of Eau de Cologne.
1266
01:34:34,000 --> 01:34:36,640
The whole place smells...
Like a barber - shop!
1267
01:34:41,800 --> 01:34:43,280
- What are we going to do?
1268
01:34:44,440 --> 01:34:46,200
- Don't say I haven't warned you.
1269
01:34:47,280 --> 01:34:48,920
I know of a follow who once...
- We must get rid of that woman!
1270
01:34:49,000 --> 01:34:50,480
- It's high time, too,
1271
01:34:51,360 --> 01:34:53,560
or we'll be as weak as puppies.
1272
01:34:54,320 --> 01:34:56,040
- But how?
- The best thing, Sir, would be
1273
01:34:56,160 --> 01:34:58,680
to dispatch her home,
and "Express registered"!
1274
01:34:59,160 --> 01:35:00,960
I know of a similar case
that happened too at Vsenory last year.
1275
01:35:01,680 --> 01:35:03,760
Let's send a wire to her husband.
1276
01:35:04,960 --> 01:35:07,400
As a sort of "unknown friend".
1277
01:35:07,760 --> 01:35:12,640
We'll put it like this:
"You wife's address is..."
1278
01:35:13,560 --> 01:35:17,080
After all, it isn't your fault!
You didn't invite her to come...
1279
01:35:17,200 --> 01:35:18,720
- Of course!
1280
01:35:19,120 --> 01:35:20,560
- And, as you say, her husband,
1281
01:35:20,640 --> 01:35:21,880
the hop merchant, is an intelligent sort
of fellow,
1282
01:35:21,960 --> 01:35:23,840
so even if you get a punch
on the jaw...
1283
01:35:23,920 --> 01:35:25,440
- Let's go
to the post office!
1284
01:35:52,080 --> 01:35:54,000
- Where is she?
Here she is...!
1285
01:36:08,000 --> 01:36:10,600
Katy!
- My husband.
1286
01:36:11,160 --> 01:36:12,880
Lieutenant Lukas.
1287
01:36:18,120 --> 01:36:20,080
- An "Unknown friend"
sent me the address by wire.
1288
01:36:20,360 --> 01:36:21,880
- That's a mean thing
to do!
1289
01:36:24,000 --> 01:36:26,280
- Don't you like cigarettes?
- Thanks.
1290
01:36:28,880 --> 01:36:30,920
Pardon me.
- Take a seat, won't you?
1291
01:36:31,080 --> 01:36:33,520
You must be tired.
- Yes, please, thank you.
1292
01:36:35,200 --> 01:36:36,360
- Help yourself.
1293
01:36:36,480 --> 01:36:38,080
You don't know how pleased
I am to be here to welcome you.
1294
01:36:38,800 --> 01:36:40,960
You know, I live at the barracks,
and that's why I was able
1295
01:36:41,040 --> 01:36:43,440
to offer Madam the hospitality
of my apartment.
1296
01:36:44,000 --> 01:36:46,400
As an old acquaintance.
1297
01:36:49,200 --> 01:36:51,120
- My Katy is a funny woman!
1298
01:36:51,240 --> 01:36:52,800
She suddenly decided
to take a cute for her nerves.
1299
01:36:52,880 --> 01:36:54,640
I was away travelling,
and upon my return
1300
01:36:54,720 --> 01:36:56,200
I find the house empty and Katy gone.
1301
01:36:58,080 --> 01:36:59,120
And what about you, Lieutenant?
1302
01:36:59,200 --> 01:37:00,800
You'll be off to the front soon,
I suppose?
1303
01:37:01,320 --> 01:37:03,200
- As soon as I've finished my job
of training volunteer officers.
1304
01:37:03,720 --> 01:37:06,280
We need a lot of new officers, you know,
and it's very sad that most people
1305
01:37:06,360 --> 01:37:08,280
prefer to remain plain privates
in the infantry.
1306
01:37:08,400 --> 01:37:10,000
It looks like people lack interest
in the war.
1307
01:37:10,080 --> 01:37:11,520
- You are wrong there.
It interestes me very much
1308
01:37:11,600 --> 01:37:12,960
what s going on at the front!
1309
01:37:13,080 --> 01:37:14,640
The hop business has been badly hit
by the war!
1310
01:37:15,040 --> 01:37:17,040
But I only hope that it won't last long!
1311
01:37:17,280 --> 01:37:18,720
- Our position is very good.
1312
01:37:19,760 --> 01:37:22,920
The Eastern Bezkyds and the Carpathians
are excellent pivotal centres for us.
1313
01:37:23,160 --> 01:37:24,720
One strong blow on this line
1314
01:37:25,040 --> 01:37:26,640
and we shan t stop till we get
to Moscow!
1315
01:37:27,080 --> 01:37:32,040
THE CITY OF MOSCO W INN
1316
01:38:08,560 --> 01:38:11,400
Pardon me, Miss,
can you tell me the way to Zizkov?
1317
01:38:12,760 --> 01:38:15,560
- To Zizkov? You'll have to
turn back this way...
1318
01:38:15,640 --> 01:38:18,000
- Back?
- Yes, and then cross the bridge.
1319
01:38:18,080 --> 01:38:22,440
Go as far as the Powder Tower,
and there ask again.
1320
01:38:22,520 --> 01:38:23,960
- Yes.
1321
01:38:28,840 --> 01:38:30,800
Ah, you don't seem to be from Prague
either?
1322
01:38:31,040 --> 01:38:33,120
- No, I'm from Vodnany.
1323
01:38:33,840 --> 01:38:36,200
- From Vodnany?
So we're almost neighbours!
1324
01:38:36,280 --> 01:38:38,480
I'm from Protivin.
- If you're from Protivin,
1325
01:38:38,560 --> 01:38:41,800
you must know Pejchar
the butcher on the square?
1326
01:38:42,400 --> 01:38:45,040
- Of course I know him,
he's a cousin of mine.
1327
01:38:45,440 --> 01:38:47,320
- You don't say!
1328
01:38:50,760 --> 01:38:53,040
Aren't you called Jaros?
- I am, Miss.
1329
01:38:53,120 --> 01:38:54,920
- And which Jaros family do come from?
Those from Razice?
1330
01:38:55,040 --> 01:38:58,000
- From Razice.
- Is your father still delivering beer?
1331
01:38:58,440 --> 01:39:00,280
- He is.
- Well, he must be
1332
01:39:00,360 --> 01:39:01,880
well over sixty now.
1333
01:39:01,960 --> 01:39:05,520
- He was sixty-eight last spring.
1334
01:39:26,560 --> 01:39:31,520
- Lux! Lux!
1335
01:39:33,080 --> 01:39:35,320
Lux!
1336
01:39:35,440 --> 01:39:36,960
- Three breweries,
where I used to deliver thousands
1337
01:39:37,040 --> 01:39:39,360
of tons of hops every year,
were burned down in Belgium.
1338
01:39:39,560 --> 01:39:41,120
Another brewery, at Lwow,
was also burned to cinders.
1339
01:39:41,280 --> 01:39:43,120
If it goes on like this,
I shall be ruined!
1340
01:39:43,400 --> 01:39:44,920
Katy, are your ready?
1341
01:39:45,360 --> 01:39:47,240
All this is causing me
so much excitement!
1342
01:39:47,440 --> 01:39:50,960
Those losses in business and then
domestic worries on top of it...!
1343
01:39:52,080 --> 01:39:53,800
It wasn't the first time.
1344
01:39:55,040 --> 01:39:56,520
Last year, she ran away with
an assistant professor,
1345
01:39:56,600 --> 01:39:58,080
and as far as Zagreb, too.
Well, at that time I managed to sell
1346
01:39:58,160 --> 01:40:02,720
60 tons
of hops to the brewery at Zagreb.
1347
01:40:03,800 --> 01:40:05,000
- What's going to happen
to my suitcases?
1348
01:40:05,080 --> 01:40:06,520
- Of course, darling,
of course.
1349
01:40:06,760 --> 01:40:09,680
Everything is ready.
I have a car waiting downstairs.
1350
01:40:12,040 --> 01:40:14,080
- Lieutenant...
- Madam...
1351
01:40:14,160 --> 01:40:15,600
- Why didn't you protect me?
1352
01:40:15,680 --> 01:40:17,320
You permit him to drag me away
like a lifeless doll!
1353
01:40:19,360 --> 01:40:21,840
- Right...
We have to say good - bye now!
1354
01:40:21,920 --> 01:40:23,400
- As you wish.
1355
01:40:33,480 --> 01:40:35,080
- My compliments,
Lieutenant.
1356
01:40:37,360 --> 01:40:40,120
If you should get injured fighting,
come to our place for a rest - cure.
1357
01:40:51,880 --> 01:40:53,440
- Come here!
1358
01:40:55,320 --> 01:40:58,080
Beg to report, Sir,
I'm bringing you a thoroughbred...
1359
01:40:58,160 --> 01:41:00,040
Come on!
...stable dog.
1360
01:41:00,400 --> 01:41:01,840
He's got to get used to his new
surroundings.
1361
01:41:02,440 --> 01:41:04,720
What's his name?
- Max.
1362
01:41:05,240 --> 01:41:07,040
I'll get his pedigree tomorrow.
1363
01:41:07,240 --> 01:41:08,680
- Put him into the kitchen
for the time being.
1364
01:41:08,960 --> 01:41:10,440
- Come on!
1365
01:41:12,520 --> 01:41:14,440
Come on, I tell you... come on!
1366
01:41:25,160 --> 01:41:27,000
Don't look so cross, you silly ass!
1367
01:41:28,680 --> 01:41:30,160
If you think it over,
1368
01:41:31,080 --> 01:41:34,440
every soldier has been stolen
from his home, too...
1369
01:41:57,960 --> 01:41:59,920
- Stop!
1370
01:42:02,520 --> 01:42:05,760
Lieutenant, subordinates always salute
their superiors!
1371
01:42:06,200 --> 01:42:09,040
This regulation has not been abolished!
And now, to the second point:
1372
01:42:09,560 --> 01:42:13,280
Since when do Lieutenants take
stolen dogs for a walk? Answer me!
1373
01:42:13,800 --> 01:42:15,280
- That dog, Colonel...
1374
01:42:15,360 --> 01:42:17,480
...Belongs to me!
That's my Lux!
1375
01:42:18,080 --> 01:42:19,960
Did you read in the paper
that colonel
1376
01:42:20,080 --> 01:42:23,000
Kraus von Zillergut lost
lost a thoroughbred pinscher?
1377
01:42:23,160 --> 01:42:25,160
- I didn't.
- What?
1378
01:42:25,400 --> 01:42:28,680
So you didn't read the add
your superior officer put in the paper?
1379
01:42:28,760 --> 01:42:32,240
Nice goings on!
And at a time, when we are loosing
1380
01:42:32,320 --> 01:42:35,640
hundreds of brave soldiers
at the front every day -
1381
01:42:36,400 --> 01:42:39,280
you don't read the advertisements!
And that's supposed to be discipline?
1382
01:42:39,360 --> 01:42:41,960
I could advertise 100...
...200... no, 300 years!
1383
01:42:42,120 --> 01:42:43,600
- I can assure you,
Sir...
1384
01:42:43,680 --> 01:42:46,600
- That it won't happen!
I'll take care of that!
1385
01:42:46,720 --> 01:42:51,120
I'm sending you to Budejovice,
so form march battalions!
1386
01:42:51,240 --> 01:42:53,760
Right.
For now you can walk about!
1387
01:42:54,320 --> 01:42:56,840
Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
1388
01:43:00,280 --> 01:43:03,240
...there was heavy fighting...
1389
01:43:04,760 --> 01:43:06,240
...at Mezilaborka.
1390
01:43:08,080 --> 01:43:11,240
Yes, that's how it goes...
Yes.
1391
01:43:11,880 --> 01:43:13,360
It's here.
1392
01:43:16,080 --> 01:43:20,640
- Schweik!
You stole the dog!
1393
01:43:21,240 --> 01:43:22,680
- I didn't steal it.
1394
01:43:22,760 --> 01:43:24,240
- But you knew it was stolen!
1395
01:43:25,120 --> 01:43:26,560
- I knew.
1396
01:43:40,600 --> 01:43:42,080
- Do you know
I feel like sending you
1397
01:43:42,160 --> 01:43:43,600
before a military court.
1398
01:43:45,600 --> 01:43:47,080
But they'd let you go all the same,
1399
01:43:47,160 --> 01:43:49,640
because they've never seen anything
so stupid in their entire lives.
1400
01:43:51,000 --> 01:43:53,200
Why did you bring me the beast?
1401
01:43:54,400 --> 01:43:56,040
- To make you happy.
1402
01:43:56,440 --> 01:43:58,040
- Jesus Christ!
1403
01:43:59,480 --> 01:44:00,920
Do you know what a march battalion is?
1404
01:44:02,200 --> 01:44:03,640
- March bat.
1405
01:44:04,080 --> 01:44:05,960
March co is march company.
1406
01:44:06,440 --> 01:44:08,000
We shorten it like that.
1407
01:44:08,240 --> 01:44:09,680
- Get ready then!
1408
01:44:09,920 --> 01:44:12,840
We'll soon be off
in our march battalions to the front.
1409
01:44:13,080 --> 01:44:14,520
Are you happy?
1410
01:44:14,600 --> 01:44:18,440
- Lieutenant, it'll be magnificent!
1411
01:44:20,080 --> 01:44:23,040
When we fall together
1412
01:44:23,760 --> 01:44:28,280
for the Emperor and his family.
1413
01:44:30,680 --> 01:44:34,640
End of part one
111582
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