Original subtitles

25.000

THE GOOD SOLDIER SCHWEIK

Today are starring:

Schweik:

Mrs. Muller: Innkeeper Palivec:

Detective Brettschneider: Army Chaplain:

Lieutenant Lukas: Mrs. Wendler:

Minor parts acted by:

Assistant Director:

Screen - Play and Direction:

So they've killed our Ferdinand, Mr. Schweik!

- Which Ferdinand, Mrs. Muller? I know two.

One of them does jobs for Prusa the chemist,

and one day he drank a bottle of hair - oil by mistake...

- But Mr. Schweik, it's the Archduke Ferdinand, the one from Konopiste,

you know, the fat, pious one.

- Good Lord, that's a fine thing...

And where did this happen?

- They shot him at Sarajevo, with a revolver, you know.

He was riding there with his Archduchess in a motor - car.

- Fancy that, Mrs. Muller,

what a bad end a ride in a motor - car can have!

Did he suffer long? - The Archduke

was done for on the spot! You know,

a revolver is no plaything. - There's some revolvers, Mrs. Muller,

that won't go off if you tried till you was dotty!

But they are sure to have bought

something better than that for the Archduke!

And I wouldn't mind betting, Mrs. Muller, that the fellow that did it

put on his Sunday bests for the job.

You know, this is net a case of a poacher shooting a gamekeeper.

For a job like this, you have to wear a top - hat,

or else the police would run you in before you got near him.

- I hear there was a whole lot of them, Mr. Schweik.

- Of course, Mrs. Muller!

If you for instance wanted to kill an Archduke...

- Oh, Mr. Schweik! ...or the Emperor,

naturally you'd talk it over with somebody.

Two heads are better than one.

One hives one bit of advice, the other gives another

and so the good work prospers. As cir National Anthem says.

- The newspaper says, Mrs. Schweik, that the Archduke

was properly riddled with bullets.

The assassin emptied the whole lot into him.

- That was mighty quick work, Mrs Muller.

I'd buy a Browning for a job like that.

It looks like a toy,

but in a couple of minutes, you could shoot twenty Archdukes with it,

thin or fat!

- I got the shock of my life now.

I thought somebody had been spying on us!

- But instead of that, cur Balaban,

sold six times already, has returned again.

- Aren't you unlucky with that dog, Mr. Schweik...

Why did you take him in to begin with?

- I had to take care of him, you know,

because ho is so ugly that all other dogs avoid him.

And he was so sad about it.

- All that suffering he's caused us!

- Well, now, Mrs. Muller, I'm going round to the "Flagon".

- All right, Mr. Schweik.

- Give my key with the house - porter, please!

- Good bye, Mr. Schweik!

- We are having a fine summer, aren't we?

- All damn rotten!

- That's a fine thing they have done for us at Sarajevo, don't you agree?

- Do you mean the wine - shop in Nusle? They have a rumpus there every day.

- No, I mean Sarajevo in Bosnia. They shot the Archduke Ferdinand there.

What do you think of that? - I never shove my nose

into that sort of thing. I've got my business to see to.

- Innkeeper,

you used to have a picture of the Emperor hanging there...

- That's right, it used to hang there,

but flies left their trade - marks all over it, so I put it into the attic.

You see, somebody might pass a remark about it

and then there would be trouble. What do I need such a thing for?

- Good day to all of you, Gentlemen! - Alright, Mr. Schweik.

- One Black beer for me today. - A black one...?

- At Vienna, they're also in mourning today.

You won't believe me, gentlemen,

but I know that something will happen at Sarajevo.

- What, you know about it...? - Of course,

as soon as there is an army parade, something is bound to happen.

Allow me, is this yours? - Please.

- I remember once, during an inspection like that,

there were twenty buttons missing from my tunic

and I got two weeks solitary confinement for it,

and had to spend two days of it tied up, hand and foot.

And all that because of discipline.

Our company commander, a fellow called Makovec, always used to say:

There's got to be discipline, you thick-headed louts,

or else you'd be crawling about like monkeys on trees!"

And isn't it true, gentlemen? - Hm.

- Just imagine a park,

on Charles Square for instance,

with an undisciplined soldier on every tree...

That's what I was always mast afraid of.

- That business at Sarajevo was done by the Serbians.

- You are wrong there.

It was done by the Turks, because of Bosnia and Herzegovina.

They're cross, because our Emperor

did not help them in the war with Serbia.

Do you like Turks? Do you like that heathen pack of dogs?

- A customer is a customer! And he may be a Turk for all that.

People like us, who have a business to look after,

can't be bothered with polities.

Pay for your drink, and you can sit down and talk what you like!

- All right, Innkeeper, but you'll have to admit

that it's a great loss to Austria.

- Yes, there's no denying it. A fearful loss!

You can t replace Ferdinand by any sort of tomfool.

Isn't that true?

I say, I wouldn't like to be the Archdukes widow.

What's she going to do now? The children are orphans,

the estate at Konopiste is without a master, what is she going to do...?

Marry another Archduke? What good would come of that?

She'd take another trip to Sarajevo and be left a widow for the second time!

- Come, come, gentlemen, talk about something else! I don't like this!

One world leads to another and then you might be sorry!

- We are not drunk, to make nasty remarks about the Emperor!

- And what sort of natty remarks

about the Emperor do people make when they are...

- Well... - Well, what...?

- All sorts. - Well, what sorts?

Do you know any?

- Get drunk... - And then what?

...get them to play the Austrian National Anthem...

- Well, and...?

...and you'll see what you'll start saying.

But the Emperor is not going to put up with that sort of thin.

Little do you know his! There's got to be war with them Turks!

Kill my uncle, would you?

Then take this smack in the jaw for a start.

There's going to be a war! That's all I can tell you.

- Follow me out into the passage and there I'll tell you something!

- Let me have another Sliwowitz

and I shall have to go, you know, I've just been arrested.

- Come here!

Are you married? - Yes.

- And can your wife carry on the business during your absence?

- Yes.

- Well, then, hand the business over to you wife

and we shall come for you in the evening!

- But why? - Don't you worry,

I am being run in only for high treason. - And I was being that careful!

- I've got you for saying that the flies left their trade - marks on the Emperor.

Let's go!

They'll knock all that stuff about the Emperor out of your head!

- I am innocent! I don't read the papers at all!

- What concern is that of mine...? - I am not interested

in politics! Mister!

Mister, I'm innocent! Innocent!

- For God's sake, where did you put my basket?

- Call my lawyer immediately!

- What's that?! What's that?! - Off you go!

- Please... be kind enough to tell the inspector,

that I'm a stationer!

- Is there a vacant place here?

- Well, what does it look like outside? Shall we be here for long?

- It depends on the kind of crime you have committed.

- Mister, I'm the chairman of the "Smallholder's Union"!

We just had a garden party. Two tens of Wiener - schnitzels

and a lottery.

And just when the party was going fine, a gentleman came around

and told us to stop, that Austria was in mourning.

So I said: "Just wait a moment,

till they've played 'Hej, Slovane'. And here I am.

- Well, you can be sure of a long stay! They took me in

just for trumping a king at cards and saying:

Bang goes the king, just like in Sarajevo."

- This looks like ten years

for each of us. - But why me?!

I have a stationer's shop! - I'm innocent, Mister!

I'm innocent!

- So was Jesus Christ, and they crucified him for all that!

Well, nobody has ever anywhere at anytime,

cared a damn whether a man s innocent

a damn whether a man's innocent or not. - That's true.

- I am not Jesus Christ,

I'm really innocent! - Quiet, now!

- Please, Mister, you have such a kind look on you face,

tell them I'm innocent!

- Quiet, please! I'm preparing a lecture!

- I am innocent! - Come on...

- And why do you happen to be here?

- Leave me alone, you good -

for - nothings, with you, I could only get into trouble.

- This gent is here for attempted murder only.

He tried to murder an old man from Holice.

- Now I'm here, too! - I felt sure the gentleman

would keep his word. It's nice to know you can rely on people.

- I don't give a damn!

- Well, I think I'll go med! We are really in prison!

- It used to be much worse, you know. In old days, the accused had

to walk over glowing hot iron... - You don't say!

...and they made them drink melted lead!

- For God's sake! - Today, it's a real pleasure!

We have bunks, and a table,

and the toilet is right under our noses. - Yes.

- Conditions have certainly improved! To our benefit.

- Schweik Joseph! Come up for examination!

- Excuse me.

- But I didn't say anything like that!

- How often are you going to spit, man?

- Well, as a matter of fact, I don't feel like, it,

but I'm trying to do as the regulations tell me to.

- Ha. I'm sure... - That notice over there says...

...some at the "Flagon".

- Good evening, gentlemen, I hope you're all well!

- Take that idiotic expression off your face!

- I can't help it!

I was discharged from the army on account of being feeble - minded.

I'm feeble - minded officially, please.

- The offences you have committed show,

that you have got all your wits about you!

Insulting his Royal Highness, approval of the murder of the Archduke,

making fun of the State Mourning, inciting rebellion...

Why are you sticking your nose into my papers?!

- I only wanted to know whether nothing has been left cut!

- What have you get to say for yourself?

- There's a lot of it. You know, you can have too much of a good thing.

- So you admit it's true?

- I admit everything. You've got to be strict!

- Who do you keep company with? - My charwoman, Sir.

- And you don't know anybody in political circles here?

- Of course I do, I buy the "National Politics" regularly,

because of the ads, you know, in case someone looks for a lost dog...

- Shut your trap!

Do you admit everything?

- If you wish me to admit me everything,

I shall admit it. Sir, but if you tell me:

"Schweik, don't you admit anything!"

Then I shall argue the point till the end of my days.

- Sign here!

- Just a moment! I forgot the full stop.

Is there anything else for me to sign?

- You'll be taken to the Criminal Court in the morning.

- And at what time, Sir? I would not like to oversleep,

whatever happens! - Get out!

- Well, I only wanted to avoid causing a delay...

So what? How?

- I just confessed

that I probably killed Archduke Ferdinand.

- Welcome.

CRIMINAL COURT This golden gate,

open today,

who walks in, will loose his head,

This golden gate, open today,

who walks in, will get hit over the head...

- Good day.

- Sit down.

So you are Mr. Schweik?

- I think I must be,

because my dad was called Schweik

and my mother was Mrs. Schweik.

- This is a fine business you've been up to...

You've got plenty on your conscience!

- I've always got plenty on my conscience.

I'll bet I've got more on my conscience than what you have, Sir.

- I can see that from the statement you signed.

Well...

Did they bring any pressure to bear on you at Police - Headquarters?

- Not a bit of it, Sir!

When they told me to sign, I just did what they told me to.

I'm not going to quarrel with them over my own signature.

I shouldn't be doing myself any good that way!

- Do you feel quite well, Mr. Schweik?

- I wouldn't say quite well, Your Honour.

I've got rheumatism and I'm using embrocation for it.

When the weather is about to change, it hurts something awful!

Do you hear how my joints creak?

- Do sit down again!

What do you say to that, Mr. Schweik?

We were to have you examined by the medical authorities?

- There was one doctor, who examined me already

at Police - Headquarters, to see if I had V.D.

Well... you know, Mr. Schweik,

I think we shall try the medical board.

You'll have a nice rest, won't you?

One more question.

You are supposed to have said,

that war is going to break out soon.

- Yes, Your Honour. It will break out any moment now.

- Don't you think you could be wrong?

- I hope not,

after all, it's already written down in my statement, Your Honour.

- So you know it for sure?

- Anybody may be wrong,

an educated man as well as an illiterate fool.

Even ministers are wrong sometimes.

- Don't you ever feel run down at all?

- No, Your Honour,

except that I once got nearly run down by a motor - car,

on Charles' Square. But that's years ago.

- That's quite enough. You may go now.

- Thanks very much, Your Honour, I'm very pleased to have met you!

Gentlemen, long live our Emperor Franz Joseph the First!

- The case is quite clear.

Any further examinations are quite unnecessary.

- But we shall have to comply with the law!

- Take five steps!

I've told you to take five stops only!

- A few steps more or less won't kill me.

And I did not complain of anything having fallen in my eye.

- Show us your teeth! Better, man, better!

- This is how a Danish hound would do it, gentlemen!

- Sit down!

Cross your feet!

Not this way, at leisure!

- Tell us quickly, could you measure the diameter of the globe?

- Tell us quickly! Is radium heavier than lead?

- I've never weighed it, Sir.

- Listen, you can sing?

Could you sing a song for us?

- Of course, gentlemen.

I have neither voice nor ear,

but I shall do it to please you, if you want to have some fun.

Oh, the monk

in the armchair yonder,

in his hand

he bows his head...

That's all I know, but then,

I know some folksongs, like: "God save our Emperor"

and "When we went into the war..." and then some hymns...

- I believe that's quite enough.

- One more question,

professor. - Of course, please yourself.

- Dear colleague, I believe... - No, no!

I insist on this question!

Tell me, how much is

12897 times

13863?

- 729.

- Let's write down our findings.

The undersigned medical authorities,

agree on the complete creationism of Joseph Schweik,

who expresses himself in terms such as

"Long live our Emperor Franz Joseph the First!"...a remark,

which completely suffices

to demonstrate

Schweik s mind to be that

of an obvious imbecile.

The undersigned medical authorities

thus return the examined Joseph Schweik

to the responsible authorities.

That s the Emperor s proclamation to say, that war has been declared!

- I saw it coming,

but in the Asylum they don t know anything about it yet,

although they should be the first to get it.

- What do you mean by this?

- Because they ve got a lot of army officers locked up there.

- Aha. Right.

- Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph!

We'll win this war!

- That's enough. No trouble now! Just disperse quietly!

Gentlemen, I can see it quite clearly.

We're absolutely bound to win this war!

- I'm extremely sorry that you've fallen into our hands again.

We thought you'd turn over a new leaf, but we seem to have been mistaken!

Tell me, Mr. Schweik, who was it that induced you

to indulge in such silly tricks?!

- I don't know what silly tricks you mean!

- Well, isn't it a silly trick to cause a crow to collect

and incite them by shouting: "Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph,

we'll win this war!"?

- It fairly riled me to see them all reading the Royal proclamation

and not showing any pleasure about it at all,

nobody shouted Hooray or called for cheers!

So I, being an old soldier, had to shout these words!

And I think, that if you'd been in my place,

you'd have done just the same.

If there's a war, it's got to be won. Nobody is going to talk me cut of that!

- I thoroughly appreciate your enthusiasm,

but the fact that you were under police escort

must have made a rather ironic impression...

- When a man is being run in by a police officer,

it is a critical moment in his life.

And, if at such a moment,

a man does not for - get to do the proper thing,

that is not a bad thing at all.

- Go to blazes, Schweik!

But if we ever meet here again,

you will go straight before a Court Martial! Is that clear?

- God bless you for everything you have done!

And if you'd like a thoroughbred dog at any time,

just call on me,

I deal in dogs. - Get out!

I don't believe him anyway. Go on, tell us, inspector,

How can a lout like he be interested in Austria winning the war?

- Well, in any case, don't let him get out of sight!

As you wish... You know what?

We'll try to take him unawares!

- Well, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Good day. - Good day.

II. Host Good day.

- Well, here I am, back again.

But where is Mr. Palivec?

- They gave him... ...ten years...

a week... ago.

- Fancy that now...

then he has already served seven days of it.

- And he was that cautious...

- Caution is the mother of wisdom.

Well, let me have a large rum!

- And the sausages, Mrs. Palivec?

- I'm getting them right away.

- Good day.

- Fancy that, a man called Cimpera,

Straskov No.6,

is selling a farm with 13 ares of fields,

situated close to school and railway...

- I am surprised to find that you are interested in farming, Mr. Schweik.

- Oh, it's you, is it?

I didn't recognize you!

- I came here today on your account. - Well, let's go then.

- Stay where you are!

All I want is a dog.

- That I can get for you!

- Oh God...!

Help me, I'm so unhappy!

What have I ever done to anybody?

- Don't cry, woman! In three months, we'll have won the war,

there will be an amnesty and your husband will come home!

- And will that help me?

Here I have hot sausages and all the customers want away!

Why do you keep coming here?

You will ruin me.

- Well, leave them here, I'll pay for them!

And a bottle of wine, I want to spend some real money today!

- Wouldn't you like a police - dog? I know a man who's got one.

- You know, all I'm concerned about this size.

- The one I'm talking about is about this size...

- Oh, no! I'd like a ratter.

Quite a small one... a cheap one.

- A ratter is no calf.

The smaller they are, the more they cost!

- Well, in that case... ...a big or one will do.

- I'll have to ask you for an advance of 30 crowns,

and I'll get you a dog, that will make everybody's head turn round.

- 30 crowns? Well...

Here they are. And let's have a drink on the bargain!

- One more, please! - What's wrong?

- Well, you have to pay for having fun!

- Today you don't have to be afraid of me, I'm mot on duty

and you can say whatever you like about politics!

- I don't discuss things like that in a pub.

Anyway, all politics ale for children. - You think so?

Of course, yes, or for such fools

as Franz Joseph. Hahahaha...

Come here, friend! ...You do like me, don't you?

- Look here, friend, give me some advise,

I want to register with the Anarchists.

Why not, what do you say to that? Yes. And all that... Look, look, look...

Come here and take this! Take this!

Call me by my first name, will you?

- "What every good citizen earns,

the state takes away from him!"

- Don't be silly!

Someone will come and you'll have difficulties...

You get all sorts today! Look, Bohous,

what about that ratter, where do I deliver him?

Ratter? What ratter?

Oh, the ratter!

Bohous... Pepik... Don't worry about ratters,

You know, I shall come and get the ratter...

personally...

- Good afternoon! Mr. Schweik! - Good afternoon.

Good afternoon. So I'm back again, Mrs. Muller!

- For Christ's sake, Mr. Schweik, so you're alive?

Don't be cross with me, I took a new lodger,

he's a porter in a night - club. They searched your place three times.

Everybody said your lost, as you are such a card!

- Look here, boss, get up,

or you'll be late!

- Get out!

- I'd be very sorry if you'd have to state to your company commander

that it was my fault you overslept the mobilisation.

See for your self, here it is,

there's a war on!

- What sort of stupid joke is this?

- War!

- And I wanted to sleep till eight in the evening.

Marena, get up!

- Hello, hello.

They're taking them to the station now.

- Luis, I won't let you go!

Christ, you are such a big chunk of a fellow,

they'll hit you in no time!

- Marena, damn you, don't be silly!

I've been working in a night - club for ten years...

A silly war can have no surprises for me!

Let's go!

- The Emperor declared war

and asked everybody to join...

- Mrs. Muller!

Mrs. Muller!

- Yes, Mr. Schweik? Is your rheumatism worse again?

- Hand me my army - cap from the wardrobe!

I'm going to join the army!

- Gracious me... And what are you going to do there?

- Fight!

Austria's in a bad way, that's why they are calling me up.

Even our evening paper admits now, that our dear fatherland is threatened

by dark clouds. - They can move, can't they!

- It doesn't matter, Mrs. Muller, I'll join the army in a Bath chair!

The confectioner round the corner has just the thing I want.

Years ago, he used to wheel his lame, wicked grandfather in it.

- But, Mr. Schweik...!

- Get that wheel - chair

and push me to the war!

To Belgrade! To Belgrade!

- Look, people, how funny. A lame man going to enlist!

- They're going to win, aren't they...

- To Belgrade!

You are wrong, I have it here, written cut quite clearly!

- To appear before the authorities, clean, tidy

and in a sober state...

What is there to laugh about?! - As you can see,

my dear policeman,

I'm really going to join up!

For the Emperor and his family!

- He's a heroic soldier!

- Escort this man to the local Army Headquarters!

- Let me pass! Let me pass!

I know this gent from "Free Mind"!

Long live the Serbians, our brothers! Don't you agree?

Hip hip... Hooray!

- People, that's a secret policeman!

- He's trying to provoke us!

- Das ganze tschechische Volk

ist eine simulanten Bande!

How many people are to appear before the Board today?

- 550.

- And how many should be drafted? - 550.

- Well, get them here, quick!

Halasek Joseph, baker.

- One hundred and sixty. - Tauglich!

- Kocicka Vaclav - waiter.

- Tauglich!

- Hrdina Borivoj - teacher.

- Tauglich!

Take that malingerer away!

Waiter!

- Schweik Joseph! - Here!

- Superarbitrated on account of being feeble - minded.

- And what else is wrong with you?

- Beg to report, Sir, I've got rheumatism,

but I'll serve the Emperor till I'm hacked to pieces.

- Sie sind ein Simulant!

Arrest that man immediately,

and take him to Dr. Grunstein,

he cures every single one for them!

- Doctor's round! - Doctor's round!

- Out of bed! Doctor Grunstein.

Out!

Macuna. Asthma.

- Enema and aspirin.

- Kotatko - deaf and dumb.

- Have you been like that since birth?

Wash his stomach out and quinine!

- Pokorny - tuberculosis.

- Double enema!

- Schweik. - Here!

- No diagnosis as yet.

- What's wrong with you then?

- I obediently report that I've got rheumatism.

- Oh, what a coincidence, getting rheumatism when there's a world war

and you're supposed to fight...!

You must be cursing your luck!

- I obediently report, oberarzt, that I'm cursing my luck!

- Hm. And do your knees hurt?

- I obediently report that they hurt.

- Well, we'll treat you here better than in Pistany!

And you'll be marching to the front as fast as your legs can carry you!

Write this down! Complete diet,

wash his stomach out once a day and an emena once a day!

A proper one!

Until he begs all the saints for the rheumatism to get up and go!

Right, now...

...now I'm going to give you some pills.

Drink that immediately!

- God save our souls...!

- I am not going to examine you, you bumps!

I know you are all malingerers who want to shirk the army.

Don't think me an utter fool!

Those beds have accommodated whole swarms of men,

who had nothing wrong with them except a lock of military spirit!

I cured all of them with my enemas.

In twenty years to come, you'll still scream in your sleep

when you dream

you're trying to swing the lead on Doctor Grunstein!

- Beg to report, Sir,

my ability to speak and my hearing seem to be returning.

- Good,

but you'll have your enema before you go,

so you can't complain we didn't cure you here!

- The most sacred emotions were touchingly demonstrated

by a cripple, who was being wheeled along

in a Bath - chair by an old woman.

"To Belgrade!", shouted this worthy son of the Czech nation,

who enlisted in the army,

in order to prove his fidelity to the Emperor.

This man is prepared to give his life and possession for his monarch.

- Genug, ma ch�re! Genug!

- As Your Excellency, the Baroness, commands.

It goes no further anyway.

- Ach, mein Gemahl,

the general von Botzenheim, he used to say:

A Czech soldier, always a good soldier!

Johann!

We must go to the hospital immediately, to find this heroic soldier!

It's no good coming here with rheumatism!

This stands as much chance here as corns!

I have only half a stomach and nobody believes me anyway!

The best thing is to have petrol injected under the skin!

That gives you a fine, high temperature, which makes you want

to jump out of the window!

- Jesus,

I'm hungry!

I cant stand it any longer!

- I had a dream today,

that I was eating some lovely drippings.

- Hot or cold?

- Cold. - That I couldn't,

I prefer them hot,

and a nice, golden brown colour!

- For God's sake, fellows, stop talking about food!

- Everybody to bed! Did you hear me?

Be quick about it! Get a move on!

Some Archduchess is supposed to come here!

What are you waiting for? For goodness' sake, lads!

Hurry up!

And don't dare to show your dirty feet, you louts!

No complaints either, do you hear me?

Who says a word will be strum up later!

- I beg to report that I'd like to welcome the Archduchess.

I know a very nice welcoming address. - Will you lie down!

- I obediently report that I'm lying down.

- Well, here is our dear Schweik.

He's being very patient.

A chair! - Schweik, two enemas and a chair!

- For the Baroness! - An enema for the Baroness?

- A chair! - Oh, a chair!

- A Czech soldier - very good soldier!

A crippled soldier, I love a Czech Austrian.

I've read everything in the papers!

Johann! Come here!

I've brought you something nice to eat...

...bite...

...sip...

...to smoke...

and to drink.

Read the inscription aloud!

- Deutschmeisster, liqueor for soldiers and civilians.

Gott strafe England.

- When in need...

Pardon me, Madam,

I wanted to say:

"God bless you for all these gifts,

amen!"

- Look how the soldier enjoys it all!

I am sure he will be cured soon and fit for the front!

- Certainly, Baroness. I won't keep him a day longer,

than necessary!

- I haven't smoked since heaven knows when!

Stop it! Don't be stupid! Quiet now!...

- Here! - Here!

Habt acht! Habt acht!

Habt acht! Habt acht!

- So, you lots, you don't appreciate my kindness!

I pump your stomachs, I give you enemas,

and the moment I turn my back you try to kill yourselves by overeating!

All of them are to have their stomachs pumped out, immediately!

Do you know the Baroness?

- She's my stepmother.

She abandoned me at a tender age

and now she's found me again.

- Give him another enema and then send him straight to jail!

- Don't spare me!

The foundations of the Austrian Empire are based on that enema

and victory is sure to be ours!

- Smell my fist, you lout!

- I wouldn't like to feel it on my nose! It smell's of graveyards!

- Well, then, remember it, you twerp!

- Just a moment I'm coming!

- Now you'll see a good show! The chaplain is usually drunk.

- Habt acht!

Everybody follow me in prayers.

Repeat what I'll say.

Which Sunday is it, anyway?

I know it won't work!

I am all for having you shot!

I insist on it from this holy place, you good - for - nothings,

because you won't turn over a new leaf

and want to carry on on the thorny road of a sinner!

I ask you not to blow your nose here!

We are no horses and neither are we in a stable!

Sergeant, don't you notice anything?

Remember, that you are soldiers

and not blasted civilians!

And that you must see

through a dark cloud

into the distant space!

And know, that everything here

lasts only

for a short time.

Yes. Well... where did I stop?

God is merciful,

but only towards decent people,

and not for a gang of rotters, who take no notice of God's laws

and the army's regulations!

You don't even know how to pray,

and you think this some sort of a show

or circus.

Do you hear me, you down there in your underclothes?

- Beg to report, Sir, we hear you!

- Some day you'll remember me

and you'll know that I meant well!

That man should serve you as an example!

What is he doing? He's crying!

Don't cry!

I tell you, stop it!

Do you want to become a better man?

That's not such an easy job, my lad!

You're crying now, but when you get back to your cell,

you'll be just as big a louse a before!

I've finished, you loafers,

and I want you to behave properly during mass!

And not like last time,

when some of you fellows at the back were swapping government linen for grub!

At ease!

So here you are!

That's the first time anyone has ever shed a tear

in my church.

Admit it, you blackguard,

that you've cried only for fun!

- I beg to report, Sir, that I was really shamming.

I saw that what your sermon needed was the reformed sinner,

so I tried to oblige.

- I'm beginning to like you!

What are you here for?

- Beg to report, Sir, I really don't know.

I always mean well

and it turns out badly.

Just like the martyr in that picture.

- I will ask the provost about you!

Dismissed!

Schweik isn't here!

What the hell is in those shelves?

If at least you had a bottle in every draw...

We could drink them up in alphabetic order.

- There's such a mess in those files, such a chaos.

Hallo! Provost Lieutenant Bernis speaking!

Captain, I should like to know whether you haven't got the file

relating to a man called Schweik!

I am supposed to have it?

That's odd. Excuse me.

It's beginning to interest me too, what's happening to this fellow Schweik!

- Who searches, find. God's mercy is endless.

What about cards, do you play?

- Well, I am out of luck lately!

But I know a girl, I tell you, she is a sweet bit!

- Hey, I need a batman!

- Well, here you are, here's Schweik! And right on top of the file, too.

I'm sorry, dear padre, this won't work. - What did he do?

- That I don't know, but look! He's been executed.

- Rubbish! I've just been talking to him.

- And what is here for? - He doesn't know himself.

- That's what they all say!

Richtig, richtig, somebody mixed up the files.

But what shall we do now? - No, co...!

Well, sentence someone else on Schweik s files.

- That will be difficult.

- That's a pity. Tomorrow, I'm having a party,

there'll be drinks, and ladies too... You will come, won't you?

- Well, since it's you, dear padre, you can have him!

- Who do you keep greeting all the time?

- All these people are acquaintances of mine.

- Oh, you don't say? Are you from Prague?

- From Prague, yes. - You won't give us the slip?

- Of course he'd run away at the first chance!

- Why should he? He's practically free now!

I have it here, in my pocket.

- And what do you have in your pocket? - Well, I don't quite know.

- You see! You don't even know and yet you're talking!

- Don't you know why we are taking you to the Army Chaplain?

- For confession.

- What, for confession? - Yes, they'll hang me tomorrow.

- Hang? - That's how it's done.

They call it spiritual comfort.

- Oh well, come along!

Halt!

Nur fur Milit�r! Bis jetzt.

- How about taking those bayonets off? After all, he's one of us!

- But how?

Halt! - Are you crazy?

- Look here, you know this place. Do you know of a pub handy?

- Why not? Just round the corner from here.

There's even music, a fiddle, an accordion...

You can leave your rifles in the kitchen.

- What is it?

- Do you remember the arrangements we made?

Do you know...? Understand?

- Oh, of course!

Is it a safe place?

- Very, only tarts go there and similar decent people!

- Let's go!

On Pankrac hill,

right on the top of it,

trees are planted.

On Pankrac hill,

right on the top of it,

trees are planted.

I had a girl friend,

now someone else has got her!

I had a girl friend,

now someone else has got her!

- Schweik, come here! Where did they dress you up like this?

- Schweik, you ought to have a photo taken!

- Christ, it's Schweik!

- Good day to you, gentlemen!

Oh..., it's Mr. Schweik! A coffee, please.

A coffee for everybody, please. Right. Thank you.

- Cheers!

Your health! You know, after all, we shouldn't drink to you health...

- Tell us, why are they going to string you up?

- Perhaps he was born on an unlucky planet.

- But they won't hang somebody for nothing!

There has to be a reason for it!

So that the... is reasonable!

- It's not like that in war.

You're supposed to fall at the front, or be executed at home...

What difference does it make?

- Aren't you a little bit political?

- Too much! - Let's knock it on the head!

- If you'd be smart boys, buy us a drink!

- Of course, ladies! Why not?

Waiter, come here! Ferda, vermouth!

...by a little window

sits a beautiful blonde.

Sits a beautiful blonde.

By a little window

sits a beautiful blonde.

Sits a beautiful blonde.

Come closer soldier boy,

you're not afraid of a girl?!

I touched the handle,

and I heard music.

And I heard music.

I touched the handle,

And I heard music.

And I heard music.

My dear Kamila...

- Madam, that Vermouth is like water!

Send us a bottle of something decent. That gent's going to say for it all!

- In a moment! In a moment!

- I've a small farm in Holovousy.

There's lovely apples in my garden.

When I get my Urlaub, I'll bring you half a ton.

- And what have you got in your pocket? - That? That's a state secret!

- Here you are, ladies and gents! - The Devil's Liquor!

- You're my sweetie-pie, sweetie-pie.

You're my, You're my

sweetie-pie.

You're my, you're... - Come outside with me!

For a fiver, I'll give you a nice injection, petrol, you know,

and you're sure to be in hospital for at least 3 months!

- Don't be scared! That man's a medic. Nobody II be the wiser

and you'll be nice and safe for a long time!

- Hahaha. A medice...! Hahaha.

- Ouch!

- Hip, hip, hip, hip!

Hip, hip, hip, hip!

Hip, hip!

- Come to me, those who have wine! As I'm thirsty!

- Come here, my little muff!

- Oh, well!

So you're here, Schweik, are you?

- Beg to report, Sir. A package!

- I say, got a match? - Beg to report, Sir, I haven't.

- I say, why not? Every soldier ought to have matches

to light up with. A soldier without matches is...

What is he? - Beg to report, Sir, he's matchless.

- Obviously, very good. He's without matches

and can't give anybody a light.

That's it.

Do you drink liquor, Schweik?

- No liquor for me, Sir, only rum.

- Just take a look at that big lout over there! Come here!

I borrowed him today from Lieutenant Feldhuber.

He's a... He's a teetotaller!

Aren't you ashamed of yourself, you bloody fool?

Do you know what you deserve? A punch in the jaw...!

So you're drunk!

You're drunk while on duty

and you'll be punished for it! I'll have you arrested!

Right now, I'm going to phone for the MPs.

Hallo! Hallo! What are you doing at that switch - board?

Let me have the K. And K. Korpskommando immediately!

What? What do you say? I don't understand a single word!

- Don't be a fool now!

It was us escorting you, wasn't it?

- Well, my dears, as Napoleon used to say:

"In war, the situation changes from one moment to another..."

- I could do with a drink!

- I can't get through to the barracks.

So, go home, the two of you! Run away! And remember,

mustn't booze while on duty! Out with you!

- Sir!

- Madam, I'm sure it can't be Christmas already?

I want some more Eau de Cologne!

- Sir! Here's some black coffee.

- Listen... you... - Schweik!

- Schweik. - Schweik, tell me,

didn't I misbehave yesterday?

- Beg to report, Sir, everything went smoothly.

Only when I was letting the ladies out of the house,

a gent, looking like a Turk with a Fez on his head,

came out of the door opposite ours and tried to cause a disturbance.

- And what was the result? - I gave him a punch on the jaw

and he calmed down. - You shouldn't have done it!

That was the Landlord... - Well, now he knows

that owning a house is no fun!

It couldn't happen to us! We don't own a house.

- There you're right.

All we own is...

Schweik, all we own is...

...36 pennies.

I wish I was employed at the Quartermaster's Store,

there I could at least pinch a barrel of rum or some lard.

But what shall we do?

What about selling the sofa?

- We wouldn't get much for that one. - You think so?

Let's keep it then! It belongs to the Landlord anyway.

I know what we'll do, Schweik. I'll give you three addresses

to go to and borrow money. You'll go to Bruska street...

...to Captain Schnabel s and ask him

to lend me a hundred crowns.

He was lucky at cards two days ago so what.

And in case you're not successful there, you'll go to the Vrsovice barracks

and ask for Lieutenant Mahler.

- The chaplain isn't at home! - So he isn't in...?

- I told you already, that he isn't in!

- So he went to the coffee - house...? - You'd have to

wait somewhere! - So I'd have to wait?

Well, all right, I'll wait.

Till tomorrow morning, if necessary.

Fine thing, he's got money for the coffee house,

but no money to pay his debts with!

A fine Chaplain, pfui!

- Sir, I ask you not to spit here!

- And I'll spit once more, if I feel like it!

Like this. Do you see?

- If you're an educated man, behave yourself

and don't act like a vagabond!

- So I don't behave decently?

And what do I behave like, tell me! Just you tell me, you...

- A hooligan, that's what you are! Spitting on the floor

just like in a train. I was wondering all the time,

why there are notices everywhere, about not spitting on the floor!

Now I know, it's because of you,

you must be a very well known person!

- You dirty creature! You...

Let go of me! I am an honourable citizen!

Let go of me! Let go of me!

- Are you crazy?

- Beg to report, Sir, that I took care of everything, just like you told me to.

Supper is served in the drawing room.

I shall now go and fry some eggs.

- On bacon, too!

Who was it that lent us money? - Beg to report, Sir, all of them.

I only had to crawl on my knees in front of Captain Schnabel.

That one is a right bastard.

But when I told him about your paternity case...

- Paternity case?

- Of course, alimony, you know, paying a girl so much every week.

You told me to spin any yarn I pleased, so...

- And what did Captain Schnabel say?

- There were about five gentlemen present,

and they all asked me what sort of a girl it was,

so I told them she was a very smart little bit, not quite fifteen yet.

Then they all wanted to have her address.

- You've made a nice mess of it, I must say!

- Don't you worry, Chaplain, I gave them the address of a deaf lady

down our street.

I told you already that he isn't in!

- Don't lie to me, he's just returned!

- He's returned all right, but he isn't at home to anybody!

- That's no concern of mine! - He's preparing tomorrow's sermon!

- Leave me alone, man! Leave me alone!

Chaplain, I have to protest!

I'm not used to that sort of treatment! - My batman is certainly not right!

A guest in the house means God in the house!

- Beg to report, Sir, that bloke is very difficult to dispose of,

just like a certain Bouska from Liben.

They once kicked him out of Exeter's eighteen times

and he always returned saying that he'd left his pipe behind.

- You're joking! - He was that persevering,

he could have become a cabinet - minister.

- I hope that I'm not here to be made fun of!

- Take a chair, please! - Thank you.

- We are having Hungarian salami, sardines, salmon,

and some fried eggs.

Isn't it nice to have a rest on borrowed money!

- I insist that you listen to what I have to say!

- I hope I'm right in assuming that you came to get money

for the check I gave you?

- Yes, Chaplain, and I hope, that I won't have to leave without it!

- What are you doing? - Beg to report, Sir,

that I already had some difficulties with this gentleman.

- Leave us, Schweik! We have a private matter to discuss!

- Beg to report, Sir, I am leaving you!

- Listen, Chaplain, if there was no wow. I wouldn't press you.

But I had a number of very sad experiences!

Take the case of Lieutenant Janota,

who owed me 700 crowns and got himself killed at Dryne.

Lieutenant Prasek, 2000 crowns, taken prisoner by the Russians.

Captain Wichterle, Lieutenant Machek, both imprisoned by the Serbians,

each of them owing me 1500 crowns!

You must understand my anxiety...

- But, Mister I am not...

- I know what you're going to say, Chaplain!

That a priest is in no direct danger...

But listen! Army Chaplain Mathis died a week ago at Brno!

He failed to pay me 1800 crowns

and went to supply extreme unction to a chap,

who had the plague and who was no concern of his anyway!

- That's his duty. I'm going to do the same thing tomorrow.

- And he's also going into the plague hospital!

- Tell me, Chaplain, is this war only on

to finish off all my debtors?

- Schweik, I'm beginning to get bored.

Tell him in a gentle way:

"The Chaplain in not going to give you any money!

- I'm not going to budge till I get it!

- If that's the case, Schweik,

dispose of him in any way that pleases you!

- I'm not going, it's a shame, you've tricked me!

- Make no noise, you hoodlum!

The Chaplain has to study! - I know he's trying to figure out

how to cheat honest people out of their money!

You cheeky lout! You've ruined me!

Wiener Blot... tralala...

Wiener Blot... tralala... ...tralalala...

- God, I'm grateful we've found the place.

I'd been driving him around for two hours

before I managed to squeeze an address out of him.

He's been sick all over my cab

and now I can't get any money out of him!

- Chaplain...! - Stop! I have to drive on!

I'm changing at Nymburk! - Help me!

- Gentlemen, I'm not going to have a steam - bath!

- Of course not - come here!

Give it to me! No more booze!

- Take those skates off!

- Chaplain...!

It's me, Schweik!

We have to pay for the cab.

- Do you believe in immortality?

Tell me one thing! Can a horse get into heaven?

- Be quick about paying for the fare! I've other parties to take care of!

- Chaplain, he wants money!

- Here, take the lot! Ich kann bezahlen!

A penny more or less doesn t matter to me!

- Hergott!

- Wait! We've got to search him.

- Of course! All those, who are dead,

report to the Korpskommando within three days,

to got a Christian burial!

Lady don't tickle me!

- That's not enough! I took him round the town

three times!

- We've got no more. - A fine business...! Pfui!

- The fire won't burn!

Somebody must be blowing on it!

I want something, but I don't know what.

I don't know what! Don't you know what I want?

But I couldn't care less, and neither could you, Schweik!

- Sit down!

- Oh, I'm so alone, in the world!

People, Schweik, I've got to tell you something.

I've got a confession to make.

I, a repentant sinner, confess and admit.

- Don't lie on the floor! - I have to confess to you!

- Chaplain... will you lie down!

- I have to...

Ladies, I have a lovely joke for you!

There was once a drummer living in Budejovice,

he got married and died within a year!

Isn't in lovely?

Madam, what a sweet boy you've got!

Look, what uncle has brought you! Right. Look!

Boodlicky! Boodlicky, boodlicky,

boodlicky, boodlicky...

I want a Cognac! Where is it?

Come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! Come here!

Come here! Come here! Come here!

- Come on, lie down quietly,

Come on! Or I'll have to hit you one!

- You're such a good boy. I'll have to marry you off to my sister.

- Hello! Chaplain, do you hear me?

- Is that you, Schweik? What am I doing here?

- It seems you're suffering from a slight attack of the DTs.

- Yesterday, I've lost all my money.

Even you, Schweik.

I've lost you at cards.

I've thrown you into the clutches of Lieutenant Lukas!

- Well, that's not the end of the world!

In a few days time, we'll get money somehow...

- Oh no, it's impossible! Quite impossible, Schweik!

You know, debts at cards...

...debts at cards are debts of honour.

And I am an officer!

Habacht! Abtreten!

Jesus Christ! - When I was serving you

for the first year.

- Tralala lalala...

- Beg to report, Sir, that I'm here.

- Hm.

Turn round!

- Some more, Sir? - Halt!

Well, finally you lock almost like a soldier!

Did they even supply you with a coat? - Beg to report, Sir, even with a coat.

- I give you a fair warning, I'm very strict!

Tell me, do you know what a batman is supposed to do?

- A batman is an officer's servant, boot - polish and pipe - cleaner.

- If I say: "Jump into the fire!",

why, into the fire you've got to jump, whether you like it or not.

What are you staring at?

- Beg to report, Sir, that's a Harz canary.

- Are you fond of animals?

- It's dogs I fancy most, Sir.

If you'd like me to... - I am fond of dogs too -

as companions.

I used to have a stable dog once.

- Stable dogs are the best, Sir.

A stable dog is not to everybody's liking, he's got such hard whiskers

and looks like a released prisoner,

but he's so ugly he's almost beautiful.

- Hm. Well, when you get the chance,

bring me a dog.

Hand me my sword now!

And remember: I love everything clean

and tidy! And I can't stand lies.

I love honesty and I hate lies.

Lies I punish without mercy, is that understood?

- Beg to report, Sir, quite.

There's nothing worse than a liar.

- Oh, well.

- And as far as honesty is concerned, Sir,

there's nothing nicer, because with honesty you get places.

Take for instance a walking contest.

As soon as you start doing tricks and running,

you're disqualified.

That happened to a cousin of mine.

A honest man is respected everywhere,

he's satisfied with himself and he feels like a new - born babe,

when he goes to bed and can say:

"Well, I've been honest again today."

- The Chaplain recommended you to me

as a champion idiot. And I'm inclined to think that he wasn't far wrong.

- Beg to report, Sir, I was discharged from doing my regular service,

for being feeble - minded. There were two of us discharged

for the same reason at the time -

me and a captain von Kaunitz.

- Hm. Er... what did I want?

Now, Schweik, comes the main thing!

Sometimes, ladies come to see me. One or the other

may stay all night.

In a case like that, you'll bring coffee for two into the bedroom,

but be sure not to enter till I ring!

Do you hear me? - Beg to report, Sir,

I know what it means to come at the wrong time.

Once, I took a young woman home with me,

and just as we were getting on fine together,

my charwomen brought me the coffee.

She didn't half have a fright, poured all the hot coffee down my back

and said "Good morning" on top of it.

- I'm on duty today. I shan t be home till late.

Tidy the place up a bit.

The last orderly was not good at all

and he's leaving today with a draft for the front!

And don't let anyone into the apartment!

- Oak leaf,

don't fall into the river!

Oak leaf,

don't fall into the river!

The water would carry you away

and that would make me sad.

Oak leaf.

- Are you the Lieutenant's Batman?

- That I am! - Well, why don't you open up?

Why do you leave me to kick my feet outside?

- I didn't... ...Hear the bell! I know.

Don't lie to me! You know very well that I rang the bell!

Take those suitcases inside!

- I can't do that without the Lieutenant's permission!

- Do as I told you take those suitcases into the room!

- Lady, the only order I got was to get a stable dog.

I know nothing whatever about your suitcases!

- So you won't take my cases in?

- As I've told you.

Till I get an army order, I don't know my own brother!

Now, I'm going to lock up and of course I can't leave a stranger

in the apartment.

So please... - Ha ha!

You must be crazy!

I've come to visit...

...the Lieutenant. - That's an old one!

In our street, someone came to visit

Belicsky, the confectioner,

once in his absence,

opened all the wardrobes and ran away with the contents.

- For the last time -

take those cases in! - Excuse me, Madam!

I've been entrusted with the whole apartment.

I'm responsible for every single bit of it.

I'm really sorry I've got to talk to you like this,

but there's got to be some order in the army.

- Take this to the Lieutenant!

Here's a five crowns tip for you, and I'll wait here!

- No play, Madam. Keep your five crowns.

If you insist, you can come to the barracks with me.

I'll hand your letter over to the Lieutenant

and you can wait for the answer.

Now, I'm going to lock up!

- What's the matter?

- Beg to report, Sir, here's a letter for you.

- The lady says that you are a beast! What have you done to her?

- Beg to report, Sir, nothing. She wanted to move into your apartment,

suitcases and all.

- What? What's that? - I prevented her from doing it.

I know of a draper in Vojtesska, who once took a lady to live with him,

and then couldn't get rid of her,

so he had to poison himself with coal - gas, and her as well.

- Where is she now? - Waiting, outside the gate!

My orders, Madam, are to treat you politely

and to do everything you might wish.

And I've got a hundred crowns to do it with.

- Get a cab!

It's a good fairy that sent me to you, tralala, tralala...

What do you say to that, Schweik?

- As the Staff H. O. Would put it in their reports:

After a carefully prepared retreat, we entrenched ourselves

in positions prepared beforehand.

- Schweik! Where are you?!

- Beg to report that I'm here.

- Come in!

- Inside, you mean? - Of course.

I want you to scrub my back!

- Wouldn't you like to wait

till the Lieutenant comes home?

- No. I want it done right now! And by you!

- Everything all right, Schweik? - Beg to report, Sir,

that I've fulfilled all the lady's wishes, as you instructed me.

- Thank you very much, Schweik. And did she want many things done?

- About... six, Sir.

And now she's sound asleep. I did everything I saw she wanted,

although she didn't actually ask for it...

- Thanks, I'm glad I can rely on you in everything.

- Beg to report, Sir, that I'm waiting here.

- I've asked you to come, Schweik,

because we have to talk in confidence.

What's going on at home? What is she doing?

- She just broke that large bottle of Eau de Cologne.

The whole place smells... Like a barber - shop!

- What are we going to do?

- Don't say I haven't warned you.

I know of a follow who once... - We must get rid of that woman!

- It's high time, too,

or we'll be as weak as puppies.

- But how? - The best thing, Sir, would be

to dispatch her home, and "Express registered"!

I know of a similar case that happened too at Vsenory last year.

Let's send a wire to her husband.

As a sort of "unknown friend".

We'll put it like this: "You wife's address is..."

After all, it isn't your fault! You didn't invite her to come...

- Of course!

- And, as you say, her husband,

the hop merchant, is an intelligent sort of fellow,

so even if you get a punch on the jaw...

- Let's go to the post office!

- Where is she? Here she is...!

Katy! - My husband.

Lieutenant Lukas.

- An "Unknown friend" sent me the address by wire.

- That's a mean thing to do!

- Don't you like cigarettes? - Thanks.

Pardon me. - Take a seat, won't you?

You must be tired. - Yes, please, thank you.

- Help yourself.

You don't know how pleased I am to be here to welcome you.

You know, I live at the barracks, and that's why I was able

to offer Madam the hospitality of my apartment.

As an old acquaintance.

- My Katy is a funny woman!

She suddenly decided to take a cute for her nerves.

I was away travelling, and upon my return

I find the house empty and Katy gone.

And what about you, Lieutenant?

You'll be off to the front soon, I suppose?

- As soon as I've finished my job of training volunteer officers.

We need a lot of new officers, you know, and it's very sad that most people

prefer to remain plain privates in the infantry.

It looks like people lack interest in the war.

- You are wrong there. It interestes me very much

what s going on at the front!

The hop business has been badly hit by the war!

But I only hope that it won't last long!

- Our position is very good.

The Eastern Bezkyds and the Carpathians are excellent pivotal centres for us.

One strong blow on this line

and we shan t stop till we get to Moscow!

THE CITY OF MOSCO W INN

Pardon me, Miss, can you tell me the way to Zizkov?

- To Zizkov? You'll have to turn back this way...

- Back? - Yes, and then cross the bridge.

Go as far as the Powder Tower, and there ask again.

- Yes.

Ah, you don't seem to be from Prague either?

- No, I'm from Vodnany.

- From Vodnany? So we're almost neighbours!

I'm from Protivin. - If you're from Protivin,

you must know Pejchar the butcher on the square?

- Of course I know him, he's a cousin of mine.

- You don't say!

Aren't you called Jaros? - I am, Miss.

- And which Jaros family do come from? Those from Razice?

- From Razice. - Is your father still delivering beer?

- He is. - Well, he must be

well over sixty now.

- He was sixty-eight last spring.

- Lux! Lux!

Lux!

- Three breweries, where I used to deliver thousands

of tons of hops every year, were burned down in Belgium.

Another brewery, at Lwow, was also burned to cinders.

If it goes on like this, I shall be ruined!

Katy, are your ready?

All this is causing me so much excitement!

Those losses in business and then domestic worries on top of it...!

It wasn't the first time.

Last year, she ran away with an assistant professor,

and as far as Zagreb, too. Well, at that time I managed to sell

60 tons of hops to the brewery at Zagreb.

- What's going to happen to my suitcases?

- Of course, darling, of course.

Everything is ready. I have a car waiting downstairs.

- Lieutenant... - Madam...

- Why didn't you protect me?

You permit him to drag me away like a lifeless doll!

- Right... We have to say good - bye now!

- As you wish.

- My compliments, Lieutenant.

If you should get injured fighting, come to our place for a rest - cure.

- Come here!

Beg to report, Sir, I'm bringing you a thoroughbred...

Come on! ...stable dog.

He's got to get used to his new surroundings.

What's his name? - Max.

I'll get his pedigree tomorrow.

- Put him into the kitchen for the time being.

- Come on!

Come on, I tell you... come on!

Don't look so cross, you silly ass!

If you think it over,

every soldier has been stolen from his home, too...

- Stop!

Lieutenant, subordinates always salute their superiors!

This regulation has not been abolished! And now, to the second point:

Since when do Lieutenants take stolen dogs for a walk? Answer me!

- That dog, Colonel...

...Belongs to me! That's my Lux!

Did you read in the paper that colonel

Kraus von Zillergut lost lost a thoroughbred pinscher?

- I didn't. - What?

So you didn't read the add your superior officer put in the paper?

Nice goings on! And at a time, when we are loosing

hundreds of brave soldiers at the front every day -

you don't read the advertisements! And that's supposed to be discipline?

I could advertise 100... ...200... no, 300 years!

- I can assure you, Sir...

- That it won't happen! I'll take care of that!

I'm sending you to Budejovice, so form march battalions!

Right. For now you can walk about!

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

...there was heavy fighting...

...at Mezilaborka.

Yes, that's how it goes... Yes.

It's here.

- Schweik! You stole the dog!

- I didn't steal it.

- But you knew it was stolen!

- I knew.

- Do you know I feel like sending you

before a military court.

But they'd let you go all the same,

because they've never seen anything so stupid in their entire lives.

Why did you bring me the beast?

- To make you happy.

- Jesus Christ!

Do you know what a march battalion is?

- March bat.

March co is march company.

We shorten it like that.

- Get ready then!

We'll soon be off in our march battalions to the front.

Are you happy?

- Lieutenant, it'll be magnificent!

When we fall together

for the Emperor and his family.

End of part one