Original subtitles

(sultry music)

♪ ♪

(bell dings)

(trippy music)

♪ ♪

I gottask...

because I'm your mother and I care about you.

Oh, Mom‐‐

Are you being bullied by the older boys?

Mom.

No. Do you see how big I am?

You're huge.

But I saw you leave the car the other day,

and they all yelled, "Squid."

‐(sighs) I don't wanna‐‐ ‐What's "squid"?

‐I'm here for you. ‐Squid's a sign of dominance.

‐What does that mean? ‐Mom!

Are you thick?

A squid is a symbol of great power and dominance.

Ah‐‐Mom, I'm the bully.

That's why they call me squid.

You wouldn't dare be a bully.

Mom, that's why I've been training

and I've gotten so big in the past week and a half.

You punch kids in the belly?

Yeah. And in their thighs.

Back in the day, I ran the girls.

‐I ran them. ‐Oh, my God.

They might as well have had chains around their neck

with leashes attached to my hand.

‐Did they have that? ‐Yes.

‐Oh, God. Mom. ‐Well, they might as well have.

Well, did they have it or did they‐‐or is that just‐‐

‐Well, they might as well have. ‐SON: So that, you‐‐

did you never put chains around their necks, Mom?

They might as well have!

TOMMY GENESIS: ♪ Bad boy, you gotta run that ♪

♪ Run it back, baby, why you got that gun ♪

DR. EVELYN: Okay, um, um, um, digging something.

Uh, hoeing.

Hoe? Hoe.

Uh, dialing on the phone.

That's an area code.

Hoe, area code.

Chris "Ludacris" Bridges?

‐Yes! Yes! ‐ALL: Oh!

‐Just in time! ‐Just in time!

‐(laughter) ‐Just in time! ‐I can't believe it!

That was great. Okay, Tim, you're up, mate.

‐All right, Tim, come on. ‐Duties mate. Don't let us down.

Don't let us down.

‐TIM: It's easy. ‐Okay, you ready?

Okay, okay.

Coffee grinder, crank.

No, he's saying it's a film.

‐Oh, cocaine? Blow. ‐Patch Adams.

No, no, tapping your nose means you're in the right direction.

‐Oh, Robin Williams! ‐No, so it's a film.

No, you can't speak! That's cheating!

‐TIM: Okay. ‐DR. EVELYN: She's right.

BRADEN: Okay, uh...

(laughter)

Okay, it's a film, one word.

‐Um... (groans) ‐Mr. Chompy.

No. (stammering)

Okay, is it a shark‐related film?

‐Deep Blue Sea. ‐One word.

‐Flubber! ‐About a shark.

‐With Robin Williams? ‐No, just a shark, mate.

‐"Shark Mate"! ‐That's not a film.

Well, it should be‐‐ about a shark playing chess.

‐(laughter) ‐Now, that'd write itself.

Can you imagine it hitting the little thing?

Come on!

Okay, yep, uh... Shark Tale!

No, that's two words.

No, it's not. It's one. They just capitalize the T.

No, it's two words.

DR. EVELYN: I think he's right.

I can just picture the big T on the poster.

‐You're both nuts. ‐Okay, 20 bucks.

‐KENNETH: Yep, you're on. ‐20 bucks.

‐I'm gonna Google it. ‐BOTH: Yep, Google it.

‐Oh, time's up. ‐It was Jaws!

You stupid idiots!

Jaws? Why didn't you just go...

♪ Dun‐nuh, dun‐nuh, dun‐nuh ♪

Because that's making a sound.

Okay, why didn't you just go...

Like you're doing the iconic score?

Yeah, right. Yeah, fuck me.

Why didn't I think to go...

‐Jaws. ‐Jaws.

Two words.

‐ALL: Oh! ‐(laughter)

‐KENNETH: Yes! ‐BRADEN: Let me see it.

‐Oh, come on. ‐Let me see it.

MALE NARRATOR: Since the dawn of time,

sharks have ruled the seas.

Now two men

will fight to take their kingdom...

by force.

All right, everyone. Okay.

So, uh, we've just gotten word from our email department

about some pretty exciting news.

(imitates drumroll)

We're gonna be doing a live interview

with Gale Gentry on The Showdown.

‐Oh, my God. ‐The Showdown.

‐Gale Gentry... ‐That's terrific.

That‐‐amazing.

They're gonna let you on the news?

Yeah, just to talk about the importance of shark domination.

TIM: I am a little surprised.

Like, I don't watch a lot of these new shows,

but it just kind of feels...

strange to use it as a forum

to normalize this kind of thing.

I don't know. (sighs)

Maybe I'm living in a bubble, though.

You know, obviously,

it's got me a bit nervous and excited

to be on a national program,

but I live by the words that my Uncle Jared once said,

which are, "It is not about what you say.

It's about what you're wearing when you're saying it."

‐Oh. ‐Look at this.

Look at this, man. Check it out.

Oh, nice.

I was rifling through Tim's shit, and I found this.

It's gonna be so perfect for today.

Makes me feel like John Wayne. Look...

(imitating John Wayne poorly) Howdy, partner.

(laughing)

Uh, I‐I'm an American.

Get your dirty hands off my machine gun.

(laughter)

Give me a basket of chicken

and make me more obese than God intended.

(laughter)

(growls goofily)

(American accent) I like custard on my pancakes.

(laughter)

What are you two fellas yabbering on about?

We're just talking American.

‐DR. EVELYN: Oh! Well, then... ‐Yeah.

(American accent) I'll take an awesome order

of, like, cherry tomatoes

and, like, a vat of pig lard.

‐(laughter) ‐That was good.

(American accent) I like big butts!

‐(laughter) ‐BRADEN: Oh, yeah!

Throw another shrimp on the barbie, mate.

What on earth are you talking about?

That's Australian.

(normal voice) No, when I was in America,

they were always saying it to me.

They fucking love shrimp.

BRADEN: They do. They do like shrimp.

Hey, is that my jacket?

KITTY: (normal voice) No, no, no, no, it's like...

(American accent) Hey, shitbird, is that my jacket?

(laughter)

All right, hey, shitbird, is that my jacket?

No, this one is mine.

‐You got the same one? ‐Yeah, that‐‐that one.

(American accent) My name's Tim, and I got titties.

(laughter)

♪ ♪

You did this?

This‐‐this is some bullshit. (chuckles)

No, no, no, no. Listen again.

(groans)

(electronic music)

MAN: I love you, 56.

(phone dialing)

One, two, three, four.

♪ I love you, 56, I love you, 56 ♪

♪ I love you, 56 ♪

‐♪ I love you, 56 ♪ ‐(Internet modem dialing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I do ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ 56 ♪

♪ ♪

(unsettling electronic beat)

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ G‐g‐g‐good work, Charlie ♪

MAN: Any questions about the material?

Um, well, I mean, there's so many screen directions.

Um...do you want me to act that out, actually?

MAN: Definitely, yes.

Definitely act out all the stage directions.

The director really wants to see you going for it.

Okay.

(breathing heavily) There.

We'll be safe here till morning.

Heather...

are you okay?

MAN (flatly): The aliens‐‐our bullets didn't even hurt them.

How can we win this war?

We can do anything...

if we do it together.

(breathing heavily)

MAN: Wait, Striker, we can't.

You know love has been outlawed.

Then lock me up.

(breathing heavily)

MAN: (flatly) Oh, Striker.

Oh, Striker.

(moans)

(grunts)

Are you okay?

MAN: Yeah.

(grunting)

MAN: Okay, cut.

Was that all the sex?

We need this to be really grounded and real.

That seemed too short.

Like, go‐‐go longer in the‐‐in the‐‐

MAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And action.

(breathing heavily)

(moans)

MAN: Mm‐hmm.

(grunting)

(moaning loudly)

MAN: And cut.

(grunts, breathing heavily)

MAN: There you go.

Thanks for coming in, Finn.

Okay, um, uh, I could try it again or...

MAN: No.

Okay.

TOMMY GENESIS: ♪ Touch it, work it, you can date it ♪

♪ If you like it, you can name it ♪

(dramatic music)

♪ ♪

I'm Gale Gentry, and this is The Showdown.

Today's topic is rather unusual‐‐

bestiality.

Its rise in popularity a disturbing trend,

or could we be looking at the new normal?

Joining us in the conversation today,

animal rights activist Karen Michaels...

Hello, Gale.

American creator of the bestiality website,

Beast Reality, Mr. Art Peterson.

Thanks for having me, Gale. Proud to be here.

And, finally, two extreme‐sports enthusiasts

who have sex with sharks as a measure of gamesmanship.

Please welcome Kenneth and Braden Rickenbacker.

‐Hello, Gale. ‐Gale.

Mr. Peterson, if I could take it back to you.

Now, you claim that this type of behavior

is on the precipice of the mainstream.

How has living in exile

hindered your ability to get your bestiality message across?

Well, it's obviously been difficult, Gale,

but I'd like to thank the Philippines

for providing a regulation‐free,

animal‐rich sanctuary that's so badly needed

in the rest of the world.

Okay, Karen.

Well, Gale, I have to say I'm just astonished

that I even have to articulate why this is despicable.

Certainly as an activist,

I believe in strict protection of animals,

but to have to explain why we shouldn't engage

in sexual acts with them is completely preposterous to me

and hopefully the knowledge‐based world.

Hmm. Uh, Kenneth and Braden.

Yeah, I think we're in agreement.

The guy is a pretty unreal pervert

and, frankly, needs to get help.

I think you're sick, mate.

But I'm sorry‐‐you support having sex with sharks.

Yeah, but we're not ejaculating into them

or anything twisted like that.

I'm sorry. What's the difference?

‐The difference‐‐ ‐Yeah, what's the difference?

What's the point?

It's not really about having sex with sharks.

It's about dominating the species.

But to be attracted to or, even worse,

to consummate those relations is obviously abhorrent.

I mean, I think I can speak for everyone,

with regard to the bestiality guy,

you're on an island, mate,

and I hope to Christ it's deserted.

That is interesting.

It would appear that Kenneth and Braden

are now more in line with you, Karen.

Well, no, it's not relevant to me

whether or not they "ejaculate."

From the sounds of it,

they're sexually assaulting these sharks,

which is somehow even more sickening.

Yes! I'm sorry to break in here,

but, Karen, I think we are in complete alignment on this one.

‐I don't think we are. ‐And [bleep] you, guys!

‐Mr. Peterson, you‐‐ ‐Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, but I dare you to tell that goat

when he's nuzzling my wife

that he doesn't have feelings for her.

‐(goat bleats) ‐Oh, my God.

Gentlemen, if you could just explain to me

how this isn't sexual assault against animals.

How can it be sexual assault? Again, it's not sexual.

And when we eventually dominate the shark,

it will be considered sport.

Uh, wait. I'm sorry.

Are you saying that you have not even done this yet?

No, not‐‐

No, not yet.

Not technically, but we've been ridiculously close.

(laughing) Wha‐‐

oh, please, my God!

I mean, what kind of charlatans are you?

Why are you even on this segment?

I thought we were having a real conversation here.

Oh, piss off!

Uh, Gale, in the future,

I'd love to come back and debate with real people.

Yeah, not two wack jobs

from Planet Can't Get the Job Done.

‐Hey! ‐[bleep] off!

Why don't you come here and say that?

‐Eat [bleep], ass[bleep]. ‐GALE: Guys.

BRADEN: Oh, my God, this is bull[bleep].

‐[bleep] you. ‐Yeah, you piece of [bleep].

‐[bleep] you. ‐Oh, goodness me. Right.

I'm scared now. I'm shaking in my clogs.

Excuse me, please, while I have a little milk.

That'll do it for me. Thank you.

No, no, Karen‐‐

Which I just got directly from the teat of my lover.

[bleep] you, you piece of [bleep]

Just hold on a second. Hold on a second.

‐Jim, could you‐‐ ‐Great vocabulary, guys.

‐[bleep] you. ‐Piece of [bleep].

Come here!

[bleep] you, Aussies!

[bleep] you!

I actually thought the beginning was pretty good.

Mm, and you know what?

You guys look really handsome today,

so that's...that's good.

They were laughing at us, mate.

I just wouldn't worry about it.

Hardly anyone watches that show, anyway.

Planet Can't Get the Job Done

from bestiality‐‐shit‐‐ fucking Art Peterson.

Piece of shit. (stomps foot)

Okay. Shit, shit.

Okay.

(door opens, closes)

Fucking bestiality guy!

Shit!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐WOMAN: Hi, Karen. ‐KAREN: Hi. How are you?

WOMAN: Good. How are you?

Do you have any questions before we start?

Um, yeah, so I was actually wondering‐‐

there's obviously a lot of stage directions in the script,

and I'm assuming you don't want me to...

WOMAN: Uh, yeah, we want you to act them out.

Oh, really? So do act them out?

‐WOMAN: Yeah. ‐So all‐‐all of them?

‐WOMAN: Yeah. Mm‐hmm. ‐All the way through?

WOMAN: Don't be afraid to go too far.

Heather, are you okay?

The aliens...

our bullets didn't hurt them.

(breathes shakily) How can we win this war?

WOMAN (flatly): We can do anything...

if we do it together.

No.

Wait. Striker, we can't.

You know love has been outlawed.

WOMAN (flatly): Then lock me up.

Oh, Striker.

WOMAN: Great. Could you try it laying down?

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐WOMAN: Yeah, on your back.

(moans)

Oh, Striker!

WOMAN: Yep.

(grunts)

(panting)

WOMAN: (imitates grunting) Orgasm.

(moaning)

WOMAN: Okay, great.

Do you want to try it again?

Um...

no.

I'm home, Gimpy.

How's my favorite gimp?

(grunting wildly)

Don't play that silly game, pretending you can't talk.

Oh, I'm not meant to talk. I'm a gimp.

And such a handsome gimp.

I'm not handsome.

I'm ugly! I'm depraved!

I brought you your favorite.

Oh, really? Nipple clamps?

Nice cold gelato.

I don't want gelato!

I want maggots!

Well, you can't have maggots.

How come you never beat me?

I want to be beaten. I'm a gimp.

I'm not gonna beat you.

The gimps next door get beaten every day.

Well, that's not the way we do things in our house.

Now, what DVD do you want to watch tonight?

I don't want DVDs!

I want STDs!

How about Love Actually?

Oh, fuck that!

None of that language in here, Gimpy.

I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

Why stop at soap?

Why not use petrol?

I want to be burned!

No video tonight, then?

Then I guess it's beddy‐byes. Come and give me a hug.

Hmph.

Gimpy...

All right.

Aah! Bear hug!

Crack my ribs!

Sweet dreams, Gimpy.

Don't you get it?

I am a gimp.

I want to be tormented!

What do you think I'm doing now?

(peppy music)

(objects clatter)

TOMMY GENESIS: ♪ Hundred bad bitches in the city ♪

♪ All the girls, they are so pretty ♪

(groans)

Fuck yourself.

Are you okay? You seem upset.

(groans)

I'm here whenever you want. This is your time.

So‐‐so‐‐so stupid.

I‐‐

I just got this fucking idiot of a friend.

He's too‐‐he's too blind

to see that this girl's sunk her fangs in his neck.

Oh, he's dating someone you don't like.

Dating? Yeah, he's in prison.

He's‐‐he's‐‐ he's castrated.

Yeah, you seem pretty upset.

Well, he doesn't talk to me anymore.

Like I fucking give a shit. Good riddance.

And why doesn't he talk to you?

(sighs) I don't know.

He thinks that I made up some shit

about his girlfriend banging a bunch of guys.

Mm‐hmm, and did you make up that rumor about her?

Yeah.

That could be true.

She seemed slutty to me. What do you want?

Well, I can see you're pretty angry.

Oh, can you?

What a great fucking doctor.

You quack.

How close was this friend?

Yeah, he was close. He's not anymore.

And how did you meet?

I guess we grew up together.

He lived down the street.

I didn't have the best family life, you know,

so he was always...

kind of there for me...

when, you know, life got...

Tough.

Yeah.

You know, I just...

(mumbles) I just would like her to know that he...

he's a very good man.

And what do you want him to know?

That he was a good friend...

And...

that I didn't have many.

And I...

I'm thankful.

Well...

I think you've made a lot of progress today.

Thank you.

MAN: Sorry.

Uh, you're‐‐you're already, like, ten minutes over.

Frank...I'm sorry. We're just gonna be a few more minutes.

I'm trying to take deep breaths,

but is this gonna be, like, a prorated‐session thing?

Because this is‐‐ I pay for this time.

‐We'll take care of it. ‐Why don't you go home

and die alone, you fucking piece of shit?

(light piano music)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Okay, let's go guys. Gather round.

Let's take a knee.

Sorry, Braden. Do you mind if I don't?

I've got bad knees.

Okay. Can you squat?

‐Not really. ‐Right. Okay.

Yeah, I don't really want to kneel either.

It is a bit‐‐ it's a bit hard.

Okay, fantastic. Let's all just stand.

You see that there?

That there is why the world is laughing at us.

I don't think that's why.

Come on, guys.

We got to prove them wrong today.

Today we are gonna do the unthinkable.

Hell, yes, we are!

Today we're gonna fuck a mako shark!

(cheering wildly)

Now, are there any questions?

Yes, um, are you aware

of how incredibly sharp the ventricles on a mako are?

Don't care. Tim?

Yeah, so we've tried this on smaller sharks,

and it hasn't worked.

And what's the bloody question, mate?

Why on Earth would we do it again?

Because, Tim, the definition of insanely brave

is doing the same thing over and over

and finally getting a different result.

BRADEN: I mean, come on, guys.

This is our mission. This is why we're here.

‐Kenneth. ‐Yes, mate?

(imitating John Wayne poorly) Let's go

fuck that shark, partner.

(dramatic music) TWO STEPS FROM HELL: Vanquish ♪ ♪

(dramatic music) TWO STEPS FROM HELL: Vanquish ♪ ♪

WOMAN VOCAL: ♪ No victory comes ♪

♪ Without a price ♪

♪ Measured defeat ♪

♪ On every side ♪

♪ Vanquish ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The battle may be won ♪

♪ But war still rages on ♪

♪ Vanquish ♪

♪ ♪

(sustained beep)

♪ Vanquish ♪

♪ ♪

(somber music)

♪ ♪

I ejaculated in the shark.

♪ ♪

TOMMY GENESIS: ♪ Bad boy, you gotta run that ♪

♪ Run it back, baby, why you got that gun ♪

♪ Bad boy, you gotta run that ♪

♪ Run it back, baby, why you got that gun? ♪

♪ Sometimes you get the back wet ♪

♪ Big, bad boy, you your father's son ♪

♪ Don't want any, any, any, any, any bad boy ♪

♪ Don't want any, any, any ♪

♪ Any, any, any, any, any ♪

‐♪ Bad boy ♪ ‐♪ Any, any, any, any, any ♪

♪ Bad boy ♪

♪ Bad, bad, run that, run that ♪

♪ Run it back, back, run that ♪

♪ Bad boy, you gotta run that ♪

♪ Run it back, baby, why you got that gun? ♪

♪ Bad boy, you gotta run that ♪

♪ Run it back, baby, why you got that gun? ♪

‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪ Yes ♪