Original subtitles

Hey, guys. It's Jules James

coming at you live from Philly

on the Fourth of Jul-y,

and�we�are�here�at�another Jules�James�promotion�sellout,

and�I'm�working with�the�Goat.

That's�right,�world-famous escape�artist,

the Great Tomas is here!

Now,�people�have�tried for�years

to�get�him�to come�out�of�retirement,

but�nobody�can�say no�to�Jules,�right?

- Right. - Last time we saw you,

you�were�locked�in�a�safe, tied�to�a�railroad�track

right�before�two freight�trains�collided.

Tell�us�what you�have�planned�today.

First I'd like to dedicate today to my late wife

and�to�all�the�other�survivors

still�trying�to�get out�of�Scottsdale.

Yeah, super sad, which is why today's uplifting stunt

is�gonna�be�just what�this�country�needs.

Take us through it.

Um,�well, to�start�things�off,

the�gospel�choir�from�the Triumphant�Heart�Baptist�Church

will�be�singing "America�the�Beautiful."

USA, USA, right? USA.

- And then what? - I...

I will be trapped in a box surrounded by fireworks...

[GASPS]

Which will explode just as the song crescendos.

All on our nation's birthday.

Well,�Tommy, see�you�on�the�flip�side?

Good-bye,�everybody.

How about that, fam?

Now,�don't�forget�to�swipe�up so�you�can�see

my�entire�calendar for�the�rest�of�the�season.

I'm�once�again�doing�this for�all�30�teams.

Happy Fourth.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

? ?

[SNIFFS]

There's�my�superstar.

[LAUGHTER]

Happiness?

Amazing,�just�amazing,�Jules.

We're�sold�out�again.

Every�other�game�today

is�getting�interrupted to�carry�this.

- [LAUGHS] - [CHUCKLES]

Philadelphia, please give a warm welcome

to�the�Triumphant Heart�Gospel�Choir.

They�will�be�singing "America�the�Beautiful."

This�song�is�dedicated�to�all the�deceased�in�Scottsdale

and The Disputed Lands.

ALL: ? Oh beautiful ?

? For spacious skies ?

? For amber waves ?

? Of grain ?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please�put�your�hands together�for�the�Great�Tomas.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Have�you�considered�my�offer?

I'd�love�to�have�you�work for�me�full-time.

Freddie, this is an open relationship.

You're�free�to�see�other promoters,

but�why�would�you?

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS AND LAUGHS]

ALL: ? Above the fruited plains ?

? America ?

? America ?

Getting the kids to do the honors was a nice touch.

I'm all about the details.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL: ? And crown thy good ?

? With brotherhood ?

? From sea to shining sea. ?

Is�that�dynamite?

I only get the good shit, Freddie.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL:�Five,�four,�three, two,�one!

[LOUD EXPLOSION]

[ALL GASPING]

Ahh!

Ahh!

[ALL SCREAMING]

- I hate this song! - Shit.

I�had�no�inkling of�Tomas'�mental�state.

I�suppose�I�could�have�seen the�signs�on�Twitter.

His last Facebook post

could�be�interpreted as�a�suicide�note,

but that's a lot of

Monday-morning�quarterbacking going�on.

I have just been trying to hug

as�many�of�the�traumatized as�possible,

and�to�the�families who�had�to�witness�this...

It's�a�sad�day�for�America

and�for�baseball.

- Ms. James... - Is it true that the owners

have�canceled all�your�upcoming�promotions?

How could you do this to baseball?

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love baseball.

Ms.�James, why�do�you�hate�America?

If that's true, then why

did Jim Brockmire have no comment?

Julia...

Hey there, America. It's me, your friend,

Gatling�Gary, and�I�got�a�problem.

I�got�too�many�guns!

How�many�guns?

Well,�I�got�this�gun, this�gun,�this�gun,

and�even�got this�little�bitch�gun!

Look at it. I got too many guns!

But that's not all we got.

Are�you�tired�of�your armor-piercing�rounds

not�piercing�the�armor of�all�those ATF�tanks

that�are�coming on�your�property?

We�got�Uncle�Uriah's uranium�super�bullets!

They�will�[...] a�mother[...]�up!

[LOUD EXPLOSION]

We�got�flak�jackets, custom-tailored�flak�jackets

for�formal�occasions, weddings,�funerals,

outlawed�gay�wedding, cock�fights,

gangbangs, bar�mitzvahs,�and,�of�course,

we�got�all�the�above in�kids'�sizes!

And�we've�got�water-siphoning kits,

chemical�toilets,

lime for body disposal,

erectile�dysfunction injections.

We've�got�it�all!

But�what�do�I�really�got?

I got too many guns!

If�you�don't�come�down and�buy�some�of�these�guns,

I'm�gonna�blow�my�brains�out!

I'm�not�kidding!

I'm�gonna�do�it�in�front of�my�kids,

so�come�on�down!

Gatling Gary's Guns not responsible for any crime

committed with�Gatling�Gary's�gun.

Gun�companies�are�not responsible for�Gatling�Gary

actually�blowing�his�brains out in�front�of�his�family.

Content fatigue, it's real, and it's a problem.

Millions�suffer from�the�anxiety,

inability�to�focus, and�irritability�brought�on

by mild to moderate CF.

Sure, we could just watch...

Carol, turn that shit off.

That�Charles�fella called�again.

I�got�his�number�for�you.

Won't be needing it.

Just keep telling him I'm busy.

I�thought�you�were�dealing with�that�rash.

Well, the bus to Canada

doesn't come through�here�anymore,

so�I�haven't�been�able to�get�my�swine�shingle�pills,

but�it's�fine.

Really? That thing was covering half your body

before you got on your meds.

I fought my fight.

The rash won.

Tour's here.

I won't be back later, you'll lock up?

Oh, God.

God, Carol!

Second one this week,

and I'm still standing.

It's fine.

[TWANGY GUITAR MUSIC]

? ?

It turns out spraying toxic chemicals underground

to�dissolve�shale into�a�natural�gas

has�some�unforeseen consequences,

but�the�most�impressive consequence�of�fracking

is our eternal flame here.

Beneath where we stand,

rages�of�fire that�will�outlast�all�humanity.

'Kay,�now�time for�the�burning�of�regrets.

Let's line up.

The�flame�is�green for�a�reason.

It offers pure catharsis

incinerating�whatever�it�is you've�come�to�burn,

marriage�certificates, love�letters,�a�bad�prom�photo,

but please no dead pets.

The�fire�burns�quickly, but�the�smell�tends�to�linger.

We�do�request�a�$50�donation to�go�toward�flame�upkeep

and�the�completion of�our�visitor's�center.

The�flame�is�booked�up for�Halloween�parties

years�into�the�future,

but�the�visitor's�center will�make�this�place

a�year-round�destination.

$100? Do�you�have�anything�to�burn?

A whole day, apparently.

This�is�why�you're�too�busy to�call�me�back?

[TWANGY MUSIC]

Life's been pretty good.

Career is great, um.

I'm divorcing Denise, though.

Aww, that's a shame. I really liked her.

Oh, not that Denise.

This... that�divorce was... five�years�ago?

I'm�also�paying�alimony to�a�Patrice.

- I have a type. - Mm.

No,�thank�you, I�don't�really...

oh, that�was�for�you.

What happened to white wine?

This yanks the shades down a little faster.

Well, look, I tried to call,

but you just never answered.

After�the�whole Philadelphia�thing,

you just kinda disappeared.

How much are you charging Jim?

Excuse you?

Jim�is�one�of�my oldest�friends,

so�I'm�charging�him�my�friend rate,

of�$100,000�per�day.

- How kind. - Look, I know it can be scary

to�return to�something�you�failed�at.

I didn't fail at baseball.

I failed at saving Morristown.

[LOUD CLATTERING]

Who's that?

You�here�for�a�drink or�trouble?

'Cause I serve both.

Carol, wh...

Are�you�living�here?

'Fraid so.

Copperheads�hit�my�place a�couple�weeks�back.

They're a roving biker gang

who steal all�the�copper�piping�out

of�the�buildings�around�here.

Ripped all the floors open.

Then�they�had some�kind�of�yogurt�party.

Please tell me you didn't eat that yogurt.

It's fine.

It was all over my walls.

Of course I ate the yogurt.

Carol,�it's�not�fine.

Ay-yi-yi.

I do have one idea to help baseball,

a�great�one,�actually,

but�it's�gonna�cost�him.

- How much? - $134,000.

That's a bizarrely specific number,

but�I'm�sure�Jim can�convince�them�to�do�that.

I'll�get�back�to�you�tomorrow.

- Okay. - Limon, blimp.

[HUMMING]

Mankind is a virus,

infecting the Earth.

Mankind�is�a�virus,

infecting the�Earth.

What exactly am I looking at right now?

We�do�a�lot�of�business with�cults.

It�really�helps when

tourist�season�slows�down.

[HUMMING]

You work with cults?

Well,�I�weed�out the�suicide-y,

marry�young�girls-y�ones.

These�guys�are�great,�no�drugs, and�a�very�upbeat�message.

Mankind is a virus infecting the Earth.

Let's�give�them�some�space.

- Mankind is a virus... - Got my money?

Yeah, the whole amount should have been

- wired to your account. - Mankind is a virus

infecting the Earth.

So�it�was.

And Jim can't wait for your big idea to save baseball.

Oh, I�can�just�tell�it�to�you.

All�Jim�has�to�do is�build�a�time�machine

to�take�everyone�back

to when�America�wasn't a�blighted�hellscape

and�baseball�was�still�popular.

It's�gonna�have�to�be�really big�to�fit�everybody�inside.

So you just scammed Jim

out of $134,000?

I�just�recouped my�legal�expenses

from�when�those�asshole�owners sued�me,

and�I�will�use�that�money...

To�finish�my�visitor's�center.

Anyway,�what�do�you�care?

You�just�bilked�him for�$300,000.

5 actually.

Are�we�bad�people for�fleecing�our�friend?

If he were really our friend, he would have seen this coming.

Is there a time when the eternal flame...

Goes out for a little bit?

No, Charles, that's�why�it's,

called the�eternal�flame.

Well, it's out right now.

Oh,�no.

It�can't�just�go�out. It�can�only�relocate.

[LOUD EXPLOSION]

[TWANGY GUITAR MUSIC]

? ?

Do you have too many payday loans?

Are�you�feeling�crushed�by�debt

that�you�just�can't�keep�up with,

harassed�by predatory�collectors?

Well,�Permacash has�the�solution.

Permacash�will�give�you the�cash�advance

your family needs today.

If�you're�not�using your�organs,

why not give them to us,

and�we'll�give�you�cold, hard�cash?

And�for�a�limited�time you�could�take�advantage

of�our�patented�pain-free, no-muss,

no-fuss euthanasia process.

You�have�a�choice�of�coming�to a�Permacash�location�near�you,

or�we�can�send�you a�Permacash

home�donation and�euthanasia�kit,

and�you�can�file�permanent bankruptcy

in�the�comfort of�your�own�home.

You�get�those�predatory companies�off�your�back,

and�your�family�gets the�quick�cash�they�need.

Why�suffer�through�the�effects of�water�toxicity,

radiation�sickness, or�super�cancer?

Let�your�body�go�now,�before it's�of�no�use�to�anybody.

Let it go to a good cause.

So�if�you're�in�trouble and�you�can't�see�a�way�out,

call�Permacash, the�last�loan�you'll�ev...

Oh, my bad, sorry.

It seems the years have�not�relieved me

of�my�catlike�stealth.

- If you came here to beg me... - Beg you?

I'm�not�even asking�you�anything.

I mean, work-related, that is.

Jules, I'm just here as your friend.

- Friend? - Yeah.

Whenever I need you, you're always,

running in the opposite direction.

No�comment?

What�the�hell�was�that?

A�man�had�just�exploded, okay?

For�the�first�time�in�my�life,

I�was�at�a�loss�for�words,

and�I�tried�calling�you,

for�months�after�that.

I don't take calls from spineless traitors.

I didn't think you needed me to back you up, Jules.

I�mean,�after�all,

you�had George�Brett,�now,�didn't�you?

Our marriage was already falling apart.

He�was�very�judgmental�about the�drinking�and�the�drugs.

Plus, he played a lot of golf...

I�mean,�a�lot�of�golf,

like,�a�lot.

A lot, Jim.

I don't understand what's happening.

Are�you�using�golf as�a�euphemism?

- No, he played a lot of golf. - Oh.

He bought bathroom humor books about golf,

and�crocheted�head covers�for�his�driver.

He�once�stopped�in�the�middle of�fucking�me,

to�talk about meeting Brandt Snedeker.

Okay, that sounds like a lot of golf.

My disgracing baseball was the final straw for him.

It's�just�not�fair.

You�shot�yourself on�the�national�stage

way more�times�than�I�ever�did.

Why'd�you�get five�second�chances,

and I didn't even get one?

Probably 'cause you're a woman, Jules.

That�and uh,

people�have�a�hard time�letting�go

of�getting Gallaghered with�human�flesh,

but�you�know�what?

You�don't�need�five�chances. You�just�need�the�one,

and�I�am�here to�give�it�to�you,�okay?

I'm�here�to�take�you�out

of�Morristown�for�your�health

and for your safety.

Please�just�come with�me�right�now.

I'll�take�you�anywhere you�want�to�go.

I'm not done here.

[SIGHS]

Morristown can still rebound.

Are�you�out�of�your�mind?

Rebound? It's�over.

My�God,�it�was�over�years�ago.

You�have�to�know when�to�walk�away.

There's life after Morristown.

All right, the two singles for you,

the�double�for�me,�huh?

A win is a win.

I don't care how ugly it is.

It still counts, huh?

- Dad, a word? - Mm-hmm.

Take a seat.

Well, I'm behind the bar, sweetheart.

There�are�no�stools�here. What's�happening,�Jules?

This is the hardest part about being a daughter, but,

Dad, it�is�time for�you�to�quit�baseball.

What?

You just don't have it anymore.

What are you talking about?

I doubled today.

Yeah,

and you barely caught up

to an 80-mile-an-hour fastball,

which�you�blooped into�the�right�field,

where�their�guy lost�it�in�the�sun.

But a hit is a hit.

- Am I right? - ALL: Yeah!

A hit that ended your 0 for 39.

But�on�the�bright�side,

you're�batting�1,000 at being a dad right now,

and�that's�where�you�should focus�your�attention,

but as far as baseball goes,

it's�over,�Dad, and�you�know�it�is.

You've�got�to�walk�away, there's...

Life�after�baseball.

Ohh...

Well...

it�looks�like�this is�a�retirement�party!

I'm�hanging�up�the�cleats.

Drinks�are�on�me!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CLATTERING]

Carol, are those my pipes?

I realized you were right.

It's not gonna be fine.

I�figure�if�I�give the�Copperheads�an�offering,

they might jump me in.

Oh,�and�I�also�found your�other�gun.

Sloppy bitches get stitches.

[TWANGY GUITAR MUSIC]

? ?

I'm ready to go now.

? ?

Who is the toothless woman who just held us hostage?

? ?

- Fantasy. - Fantasy.

- Desire. - Desire.

- Lust. - Lust.

- You're a man. - You're a woman.

With needs, so slip into a realm

where�your�fantasies,�desires, and�lusts,

all�become�reality.

Mr. Magorium's Masturbatorium.

Once you step into your pleasure pod,

you're�in�Mr.�Magorium's�world.

Take the journey to Mr. Magorium's Masturbatorium.

Once�you're�in�his�world, you�won't�want�to�leave.

We'll hate to see you go, but we love to watch you come.

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