Original subtitles

♪ upbeat music ♪

♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪

Previously on Black Monday.

Blair layeth down with my husband,

Congressman Roger Harris.

I mean, I do everything at TBD,

but Blair's too busy getting the credit to say thanks.

You know, I'd love to introduce you to my dad.

He's always looking for investment opportunities.

- Who's your daddy? - Pastor Newell Swafford.

Do you share his views?

Well, not his views on Roger.

Ever since we met, he hated him.

This is my dick. This is not my dick.

Wayne! Rubber room, now!

I need your chunk of Amerisavings.

I found Mo. He is off our books for good.

- Okay. - Oh.

This kinda gets me all the revenge I need, Keith.

Now I'm going to Kokomo.

A deadly shoot-out tore through a busy branch

of Amerisavings & Loan.

Stop saying the goddamn name!

♪ upbeat music ♪

Thank you.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

- Thank you. - No, no.

That one's for Lenny. Sorry.

Wasn't enough for everyone.

Okay, let's catch up.

Three weeks ago, a violent shoot-out

took place at a Florida branch of Amerisavings & Loan,

which is a joint investment between Leighman Brothers

and The TBD Group.

The shooting left six people dead,

one person sort of a warm slush,

and the overall investment worthless.

Dennis, does that line up with your notes?

I had six dead,

one person essentially spilled stew,

and the investment, "dog shit."

Updating my notes.

Now, your client initially accused my clients

of engaging in a secret conspiracy

to somehow "fuck me again like

the shit-breathing lie monsters you are"

and threatened to trigger his "Pants on Fire" clause

which would instantly refund the Leighman investment

and bankrupt The TBD Group.

That's right.

Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed

and a lengthy investigation concluded that the massacre

was simply an act of God.

- Old Testament God. - Certainly.

New Testament God has softened up a little bit.

Your priorities shift when you become a dad.

It's so true.

Ah, see how easy this is?

I told you, with Mo out of the picture,

we can finally do business like adults.

Mm.

Now, let's clean up this mess-acre.

Mess-acre!

Now, I'm working with my congressional contacts

to make sure we get a fat bailout.

It shouldn't be too hard to siphon some public

library funding to keep us on our feet,

but my real question is,

how do we rehab Amerisavings' image?

Yes. Make Amerisavings Great Again.

I think the real issue here is guns.

I think this whole thing could have been avoided

if the world just had more of them.

- It's rock-solid logic, Larry. - Yeah, it's true, it's true.

That's why I'm also pressuring Congress

to loosen conceal carry laws in Florida.

My pitch:

while visiting any branch of Amerisavings & Loan,

you'll be provided with a loaded firearm.

Yeah, I thought of that, but it's not cost-effective.

How's that?

People are gonna steal those guns

like they steal pens.

- Unless...

That's brilliant! Dawn, with the chain!

I love it!

You know, you are absolutely right.

With Mo finally gone,

it has been a pleasure doing business with you.

- Aww, thank you. - Aww, well, thanks.

Yo, yo! What'd I miss?

♪ tense music ♪

Anybody sitting here?

I'm gonna kill him! I'll shoot him in the head!

Give me the goddamn gun!

- Please, Larry! - Give me the gun!

- Goddamn chain! - Larry!

Hey, calm down, brother fucker.

I mean, my deepest condolences.

I can only imagine the pain of losing my best friend.

With benefits.

Fuck, I knew it! I fucking knew it!

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

I knew all you assholes were still working together

to fuck me!

- No! - You're a snake,

you're a snake, and you're a fucking snake!

- No, wait. - Eh!

Mo, what the fuck are you doing here?

I swear, Larry, this is not what it looks like.

No, Dawn. You know what it looks like?

It looks like I'm about to trigger my--

what is it again, Dennis?

- Uh, "Pants on Fire" clause. - Pants on Fi--really?

"Pants on Fire"? That's where we landed?

- It's not bad. - Fuck it.

It doesn't matter. I'm triggering it.

You got 12 hours to return my $20 million.

- That's it! - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Come on, Dennis. - Larry!

- Larry! - Fuck you!

Mm, that was uncomfortable.

So, miss me?

♪ upbeat music ♪

- What in the fuck, Mo? - I'm back, baby.

From where? An unlicensed salon?

Yeah, before we call 911 to haul your ass back to prison,

what's with your look, bro?

You look like a polluted waterfall.

I will have you know this is a very popular hairstyle.

You look like you got reverse electrocuted.

Don't try to play along, Alvin.

You wanna talk about hair, Dawn?

I saw your little spread in the Journal .

Very bush league.

As in your bush is in a league of its own.

Professional.

- Fuck you! - Okay, fuck this.

- You're going back to prison. - Again!

Okay, well, before you call the cops,

you may wanna check out my little article.

♪ tense music ♪

How the fuck did you get off?

Well, A, Blair,

Black Monday didn't have anything to do with me.

That was y'all, and B,

yeah, I cut Jammer loose.

To save your life, by the way.

You're welcome.

Which is why cops ruled it self-defense.

Dawn should have warned you, Blair.

It may take me a while, but I always get off.

Eww. The fuck are you doing here?

What happened to all that shit you were talking about,

wanting to leave the game?

Eh, changed my mind.

I thought you said you handled him.

I thought I handled him!

What are we working with here?

- Cherry. - Ooh!

- You mind if I get involved? - No objection.

You fucked us, Mo!

Larry is never gonna believe

we weren't secretly working together

to screw him over. He's gonna ruin us.

No, it's okay. You know what?

Bankruptcy, it's--it's not that bad.

We'll restructure our debt

and we'll come out even stronger.

It'll be a bumpy ride, but you know,

every great company has a couple of chapter 11s

- under their belt. - Shut the fuck up real quick.

- Whoa, what? - Whoa, whoa.

What if we just raise enough money

to pay back the Leighman,

then raise enough money to pay off the investors

we got the money from to pay off the Leighman?

Then raise enough money to pay off the investors

we got the money from to pay off the investors

we got the money from to pay off the Leighman.

That's literally a Ponzi scheme.

No, no, no, no, no. It's a buying time scheme,

and it's not a scheme.

It's a plan to stay afloat until I have my next big idea.

Wow, he really is a Wiz of Wall Street.

You fucking too?

Black Monday was my idea. My idea!

One of you is describing literal fraud,

and the other is demanding credit

for global financial terrorism.

As your attorney,

I have to advise you that I will be plugging my ears

for the remainder of this conversation.

- Smart play, Alvin. - Thank you.

- You're welcome. - Look.

Blair, all right?

Let's do the smart thing here.

Bankruptcy is a hiccup,

but if we get sucked into a major fraud,

we're gonna lose everything.

Plus it's wrong.

Haven't you felt a little guilty since the crash?

No.

We destroyed so many lives,

not to mention the two that we ended.

I heard about three or four suicides that day,

so you can take credit for those, too,

you fucking serial killers.

The fuck are you doing here?

I need a goddamn job, okay? I'm broke.

I gave you $800,000 a month ago!

- Yeah, I'm a spender. - Whoa, whoa.

You gave him 800k of company money?

The Leighman wouldn't do the bank deal

unless we bought Mo out.

What happened to partners telling partners everything?

Ooh, trouble in paradise.

You know, once the lying starts,

it's really hard--

Sit the fuck down!

All due, Dawn,

our biggest asset right now is my rep,

so let's not ruin it. Let's use it.

Every investor on the street's on my jock.

20 mil will be a breeze.

Blair, Ponzi scheme always ends badly.

Not a Ponzi. Not a scheme.

We're just gonna take a couple million dollars

from a select group of my groupies

and pay the Leighman off by dinner,

and then you and I can get back to brainstorming

our next big idea.

But not tonight because Roger and I have backstage

at Springsteen.

And next week I have jury duty.

For the Sundance Film Festival.

But as soon as I'm back in town,

we are cracking those books, babe.

You know what?

I know I don't have a vote here,

but Blair's really making a strong pitch.

Thank you, and fuck you.

Got it.

Blair, what happens when that 20 runs out?

This is gonna catch up to us

and we're gonna ruin both of our reps.

We are doing this!

Sorry. Little 'roid rage.

But I just feel very strongly about this.

♪ tense music ♪

Okay. Okay, I'm sorry.

I just got a little ditzy.

- Yeah.

Let's do your plan,

but maybe since we only have 12 hours,

instead of getting a little cash

from a lot of different people,

we just get it from one big whale.

And I have the perfect whale.

Pastor Newell Swafford.

No, no, no, no. We can't, we can't.

His network-- Honor God Television--

is legally a church.

That means they've got tons of tax-exempt cash

just waiting with not enough places to stash it.

- HGTV is legally a church? - Yes.

It started as a TV network but was officially granted

church status,

the same way Scientology started off as a cruise line

and the Mormons started as a name tag company.

Newell lives in a jet.

In the air, okay?

He only lands to refuel

and cut the ribbon on Hobby Lobby openings.

Yeah, but he's also Roger's father-in-law.

I don't have to explain to you that this complicates things.

I think it simplifies things.

I've got a rec from his daughter.

You've got a super close relationship

with the son-in-law, who he loves,

according to Corkie.

We've got the fundamentals and the personals.

Forget about it!

We might even get 40 million. What do you think?

I think we have a plane to catch.

- Yes!

Man, I love it when a plan comes together.

Hey, Dawn, check this out.

- Twins. - Fuck you, Mo.

Okay, what about the job?

Is that a--is that a no-go for Mo-Mo?

I take it you heard all of that.

Well, the important thing is that I tried not to.

You're a class act, Alvin.

♪ upbeat music ♪

Yeah, it's me. I'm in.

Listen.

Meet me at TBD at 9:00 o'clock tonight.

All right? And wear something nice.

Transfer.

♪ dramatic music ♪

- What's this? - Fuck you, baldy.

Hah, eat shit, white boy.

- Nice mustache, bitch. - Come on.

- Open up.

All right.

You don't belong with those criminals.

You belong in here with these folks because you're white.

- What? - Collar.

Here's a welcome bag and a key to your cell.

Wh-what is this place?

I could tell you,

but it would sound a heck of a lot sweeter

coming from Club Fed's very own a capella group

made up of the best Yale Wiffenpoofs

and Harvard Hasty Pudding singers

money can't buy out of prison--

The Jailbirds! Boys?

And fressed?

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Ah ♪

Collar, right?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Hey, tell him about the activities.

How is this allowed?

Collar!

- Yeah, yeah, sure. - Sure.

- Okay. - Right.

- Whatever. - Yeah.

Um, just down the hall?

Wow, look at this.

- Hi. - Hello there.

Ooh, I've only skimmed the Bible,

but I am pretty sure this is exactly what our Lord

and Savior would have wanted.

Yeah, he did seem like a private jet kind of guy.

Are you sure I shouldn't call Roger?

Yes, I'm sure.

Honestly, it sounds more suspicious if you ask.

And come on,

you promised that you wouldn't let a little dick get

in the way of big business.

Well, it isn't little.

It's not gigantic.

What I'm saying is it's a normal adult-sized penis.

Hmm. Okay.

Now, Corkie already talked to him, all right?

And Newell cannot wait to meet the Wiz of Wall Street.

- That's me. - Yeah.

That's why I took the pause and then pointed at you.

- Thank you. - All right.

Now I'm gonna lay out the numbers and you--

I will tell him how close I am with Roger.

Exactly.

Forget about it!

I'll get right on that, sir.

- Oh, Governor. - Blair!

- Hi. - Regina?

I loved last week's 227.

Although I wish that Mary and Lester

would relax their dating rules

so Brenda and Calvin can get it on.

Wow.

Well, thank you so much for watching, Governor.

- Yikes. - I mean,

can you guys really not tell us apart?

No.

- Okay.

Welcome to Air Prayer.

Amen. An honor to be here.

- The lady in red. - Yes.

You know, red is Satan's favorite color.

I can't believe I'm back.

I mean, there was a time when this life was all I ever wanted

but I wasn't happy. I mean,

I was happier when I had nothing.

So of course I come back, right?

'Cause that's what I do.

♪ dramatic music ♪

It reminds me of this recurring dream I had when I was little

where I get adopted by this perfect family

and get dropped off in this perfect house

and--and I go inside, and it's identical

to my broke-ass boys home, you know?

And I turn around, try to get out of there,

but there's no fucking doors. I'm trapped.

And then I get super molested.

And I don't mean the choice, like, between soup or molested.

I'm saying super molested, you know?

Like, it's a prixe fixe menu and that's the only thing

on there, is molested.

I just wanna go to Kokomo.

Sorry, so you do want your old suite,

or you don't?

Also, you know that Kokomo's not a real place, right?

Yeah, yeah, give me the suite.

I just wanted to make sure the new chaise was comfortable.

Good talk though, right?

How do you plan to pay for the suite, sir?

Because I read that you sort of lost everything.

- No offense.

Nah, I did. But guess what?

Money is no object, motherfucker.

Oh. Uh, well, welcome back, sir.

Thank you.

Ah, love it up here.

You know why I spend all my time in the sky?

To be closer to God?

- And farther from AIDS. - Okay.

Now, normally I would not take

a meeting pitched by a secretary,

but my daughter insisted,

and as a long-time Jet subscriber...

Aww.

I've just been dying to meet this cover boy.

- Do you mind? - Not at all.

Like I said, uh, actually,

I'm not Blair's secretary.

Well, you can't be his wife.

Because you're--

His business partner.

Anyways, The TBD group is--

Would someone like a beverage?

- Uh, a gin and tonic. - Sure, Bloody Mary.

- Would be great. - All we have is ginger ale.

The wine of the sky.

- Lynette!

Three ginger ales!

- Yes, Pastor.

- Okay, I will be brief. - Good.

We're the only firm

that actually made a profit on Black Monday

because we predicted it.

You did?

We can grow HGTV's money in good times

and in bad times.

With us it is either feast or feast.

Feast or fea-- I'm gonna write that down!

But it's not just about the money.

Uh, our clients are like our family

and speaking of family, Blair.

Family: the only people you can trust...

- Mm, mm. - ...are the people they trust.

For example, recently I had the privilege of--

- Okay.

All right, Lynette, get ahold of this plane!

That's right, Lynette is also our pilot.

If you'll excuse me.

Lynette, where are you?

Jesus.

Tryouts for the dressage tournament

will be starting in the equestrian center

in ten minutes.

Hey, bud. What you reading?

Oh, nudie magazine hidden in a novel.

Ah, the classics.

Gather your things. You're getting out of here.

- Early release. - Already?

You've learned your lesson,

and we've gotta make room for all the new prisoners

now that Congress passed that three strikes law.

Seems pretty racist to me,

and I am a huge racist.

So that's it? I'm just free?

Not completely free.

You're on work release.

Work?

For who?

♪ tense music ♪

- Larry Leighman? - Hello, Keith.

I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd swing by and, uh,

see if you enjoyed your stay at my prison.

- Your prison? - Oh, yeah.

The private priz biz is a-boomin'.

Three strikes?

More like grand slam, thank you, Uncle Sam.

You look confused.

How do you think you got released so quickly?

Uh, work released.

- So I'm working for you now. - That's right.

You're working for me.

What do you want?

Just your help fucking Mo and The TBD Group so hard

that they'll beg for death.

Fine, but only if you give me something I want.

Ooh, and what's that, Keith?

Just your help fucking Mo and The TBD Group

so hard that they'll beg for death.

Get in.

All right.

No, not this side. Walk around the car.

- Slide over. - No.

I'm not gonna move over.

Just walk around the car and sit in the empty seat.

All right, fine.

That's the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard of.

Mmm.

Now, where were we?

I believe Blair, uh, was talking about

his personal connection to--

God?

You a God-fearing man, Blair?

The rich will rule over the poor

and the borrower-- I guess that's us--

is servant to the lender.

It's Proverbs 22:7.

- I grew up real churchy. - Don't say another word.

You know the numbers and the book of Numbers.

From this moment forward,

the Wizard of Wall Street shall now act as my grand vizier.

- Great. - But--

You will be my Grand Wizard.

That didn't feel right.

And you will be minor-ly involved.

Well, great. With that settled,

I'm gonna use the lavatory.

I had a little too much sky wine.

Second door on the left.

Just lift the seat up in the confessional.

Okay.

Oh, wow, this is great.

- Isn't it, though? - Yeah.

I'll tell you who's gonna be thrilled about this.

- Who? - Your son-in-law.

Mm-hmm, the congressman and Blair

are very, very tight.

You don't say, sweetheart?

Very.

Very?

Very, very.

♪ tense music ♪

Hey, thanks for coming to meet me.

Oh, thank you. I'm glad you called.

And I'm glad you're back.

Look, I'm sorry I had you sent to the rubber room,

but hopefully it helped somehow.

- What was it like in there? - It was great.

It-it brought me a lot of clarity,

so thank you.

That sounds like a mislead if I have ever heard one.

- But--

I was right.

Being punished for offending women

made me realize what the world really needs.

A safe space just for men.

Where boys could still be boys.

A place where women aren't welcome.

You mean like a country club?

Or the board room of a Fortune 500 company?

The executive branch of the government,

a TV writers' room, most Arab nations,

and the Senate floor in pants?

Did you know that is the law?

Women cannot be on the Senate floor in pants!

Bro, if chicks can be feminists,

why can't men be meninists?

Bro, if another dude joins this organization,

do you have to change the name to Just 5 Men?

Laugh now, but I put fliers all over town.

I've taken ads in all the major newspapers.

When word gets out about Just 4 Men--

Word is out!

Have you never heard of Just F-O-R Men?

Wait, are you saying there's already a group

of like-minded meninists?

That's not a word.

Trying to topple the matriarchy?

- That's not a thing. - That's great, man.

So, you ready to join?

Dues are $1500 a week.

I way overdid it with merch and marketing.

Wayne, I love you, buddy, but you are lost.

Y'all clear this shit up before Dawn gets here

or it's gonna be Just 4 Corpses.

What'd I miss?

- Your girl here-- - Business partner.

She was saying that you're familiar

with my daughter's husband.

Yes, he's a great man.

I haven't known him for long,

but we've gotten to know each other very well.

Inside and out.

And that close relationship is another reason

why HGTV should trust TBD to handle their trust ASAP.

- Or not.

So you're the boy that Roger's been golfing with recently.orry?

That's me.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to pass.

Lynette, land the plane!

Lynette!

♪ Billy Ocean's Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car ♪

- You ready, boss? - Let's go.

Your measurements are completely different now.

Well, you know, a lot's changed since I stopped doing coke.

- And what about Kyle 2? - Well, he's a robot,

so his weight doesn't fluctuate.

I meant do you want suits for him?

He's a robot.

Of course.

♪ ...my door, what's the score ♪

Remember, money's no object.

You're gonna look great, K2.

♪ Hey Cinderella step in your shoe ♪

♪ I'll be your nonstop lover ♪

♪ Get it while you can ♪

♪ Your nonstop miracle ♪

♪ I'm your man ♪

♪ Get out of my dreams ♪

♪ Get into my car ♪

♪ Get out of my, get out of my ♪

♪ Get out of my dreams, get in the back seat baby ♪

♪ Get into my car ♪

♪ Beep, beep yeah ♪

- I can't figure it out.

- We had him. - I know.

I know.

I really thought bringing up his son-in-law

would have sealed the deal.

Well, we're out of options. Maybe you're right, Dawn.

Maybe bankruptcy is the safest move.

- It's the only move. - Oh, damn, damn, damn!

Honestly, I had totally come around to your plan.

I mean, fuck bankruptcy and protecting ourselves

from going to prison.

Oh, I just wish there was a way to come up

with 20 mil in a half hour.

Mm.

But I guess we just file bankruptcy

and do it my way.

Well, my original way, obviously.

- Yeah. - You know,

before you totally convinced me of the opposite which--

Whoa.

What if I could get you $25 million

in say, oh, an nower?

I'm saying now, not an hour.

It's just now helps with the--

- We get it. - If--you get it now.

That's so crazy.

Dawn was just saying she wished we could raise

- that kind of money. - No, no, no.

That's not what I said.

I said $20 million in a half hour.

Okay, but this is $25 million now.

- So I think that's better. - Yeah, but it's a misquote.

Okay, well--

And if I could magically produce this money,

you think you might be able to abra cadabra

old Mo a job?

Well, you do look like a cheap magician.

I mean, I'll take anything, really.

I just want to--wanna get back in the action.

Okay, so if there was some way in hell

you could raise that kind of cash, yeah, sure.

You can have a job. Right, Dawn?

I mean, fuck bankruptcy.

Great.

'Cause there is a huge whale I got by the tail.

Who?

Ah, just an exiled Nigerian prince who needs some help

moving his funds out of the country,

and I'm talking funds by the tons.

Did you ever really plan on getting out of the game?

♪ dramatic music ♪

Yes, I did.

Dawn, believe me. I really did.

But as I was boarding that plane

to disappear forever,

I had an epiphany.

You look familiar.

Probably from when you left me to die.

- Chacho.

You cockroach.

Agent Caspe, FBI.

I believe you've already met my boss.

I told you, I got you.

Fuck, Connie!

Blair, Dawn,

I would like to introduce you to Prince Dwalu's

American liaison, Miss Adebisi.

Call me Dede.

I understand you're looking for an investor.

Well, I mean, it's not like we're desperate.

14 minutes.

Could we figure something out in the next 14 minutes?

Absolutely.

Alakazam.

- Hey, Dawnie. - Mo.

I guess you saved the day.

Uh, yeah, I-- yeah, guess so.

Huh.

How were you so sure we wouldn't get Newell's money?

Well, 'cause I know you,

and you always get what you want.

I mean, in this case you always get what you didn't want.

No, you're right.

I always do get what I didn't want.

So welcome aboard.

♪ dramatic music ♪

Glad to be back, boss.

That's right. I am the boss.

This is my fucking company now, Mo.

- I know. - Don't fuck me.

I wouldn't, okay?

Which is why when I bumped into Dede in the club

and she said that her boss had some cash

he needed to invest,

I came to you because you're the fucking boss.

Okay.

Okay.

You wanna come in?

I mean, open a bottle of wine or something?

I could really use somebody to talk to.

Okay.