Original subtitles

Okay, what'd I win? A small fry?

Ketchup and salt not included?

Man, I'm trying to win a big prize.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm gonna steal the show, Ms. Cora.

I have no doubt that you will, Ms. Anastasia.

Whoo, so you can take me on that free trip for two.

You know, that's why I'm gonna help you win.

Okay, wait. Somebody say a trip for you?

Oh, y'all gotta take me.

Oh, Ms. Anastasia just entered the Ms. Golden Oldie pageant.

- And if she wins-- - No, when I win.

I'll be sent off to a five-star resort

with a platinum spa for two, a $500 shopping spree.

And I also get a year's supply of Ben-Jay

and advanced-protection Depends.

And here I am scratching off meal deal tickets

to win a one night in a two-star hotel

with some cookies, a kiddie pool,

and a complimentary can of roach spray.

Well, who would want to win that?

That sounds like punishment.

My swimsuit is going to make me shine.

Whoo!

What? Do you get extra points for dimples and cellulite,

and stuff like that, stretch marks?

Mr. Brown, don't do that.

Nobody wanna see her in no swimsuit dangling and jangling,

- wiggling and-- - Okay. We got it, Mr. Brown!

It looks like she got hit with some golf balls in the leg--

- We got it! - Okay! Well, I'm ju--

Well, hey! Can you uh, do they have a male Golden Oldie?

No, they do not.

Oh, I have to work on my talent entry.

Oh, so what you gonna do?

Oh, you know, it's so hard to choose when you're so talented.

I might sing, dance, do poetry, play the flute.

Or just stand there and look pretty.

Ooh, I didn't know you had so many talents, Ms. Anastasia.

Oh, I was a triple threat.

But you know, they say to pick things back up,

it's like riding a bike.

A very old bike. Rusty.

I can't wait. I can already see my hair blowing in the wind.

Okay, how about if you take the best landlord known to mankind.

Me! That's me! Oh, no, Mr. Brown.

I hope to be taking that handsome gentleman I recently

met at the facility across the street. That's if he um,

wants to spend an unforgettable weekend with a star.

Well, what if he doesn't wanna go with you?

Oh, then I'll just settle for Cora.

Oh, thanks. Who would settle for me?

You know what? Cora, I'm gonna find a way to win this prize.

And that's why I'm gonna have Ms. Anastasia win 'cause

Lord knows I need this vacation.

Cora, she ain't takin' you nowhere.

What? At least I'm on the short list, Mr. Brown.

You know what? I've got the perfect plan to give Anastasia

a run for her money. Yep, and I'm gonna win that prize.

And I'm not gonna be nobody's after thought.

No, I'm not no after thought. I'm on the list.

I'm on the short list, at least.

Okay, what did I win? A hamburger with no meat?

What kind of prize is that?

♪ No matter what you do I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember Blood ain't ever water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la la-la-la ♪

Someone sent Ms. Can't-Sing-A-Lick

to serenade us?

Oy, it sounds like a squealing pig

moments before it's slaughtered into bacon.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Oh my, somebody sounds tone deaf.

It's making me deaf.

And destroyed our desire to hear ever again.

If those are noise canceling, can I borrow them?

Oh, that was just my vocal warm up.

It sounded more like a cold front.

Are you going to sing? Should I?

- No! - No!

Oh, guys, don't do that! Ms. Anastasia, I've heard

her sing and her voice is like an angel.

Not anymore.

Since I've gotten old, I just can't reach the high notes.

What should I do?

Well, you know, knitting. Knitting is a talent.

Girl, I've seen you knit something fierce!

You did a sweater. Oh, it was awesome.

Or you could do a classic poem. People love classic poetry.

That's right. That's right.

- Shall! - Whoa!

I compare thee to a summer's day whose rough winds

shake the darling buds of May. And summer's lease...

Oh, that's not poetry.

Of course, it is. It's a love sonnet.

Oh, if I spoke like that on a date,

he'd think I was having a stroke.

- Oh, what of dancing? - Or you could dance.

That is what I just said.

Well, how about a lovely instrument?

Great suggestion. I can do both.

Oh.

Oh, my!

I've never seen nobody dance in a church dress.

Dancing? Is that what you call it?

A suit at that.

Whoop, be careful.

Don't hurt nobody.

Whoo.

Oh, my.

You're on your way. Somewhere.

Well, the dance was nice.

Only until the flute kicked in.

Okay, okay.

And I ran out of breath playing it.

And my ankle almost gave out.

Oh, I might as well just throw in the towel.

I'm just not what I used to be.

None of us are, Anastasia. But greatness can be reawakened.

As my grandmother used to say, "Even a rotten egg hatches."

You're always saying what your grandmother said.

Do you say anything?

No, but they were talkers. My grandmother was a talker.

They were always talking.

Well, Ms. Anastasia, we're gonna come up with a stellar act.

Don't you worry!

Thank you all for your support.

I am going to do an act that those judges will never forget.

Even if they try hard to.

I, myself am blind from what I've seen.

Oh, guys.

- Keep 'em closed. - Okay, baby. All closed.

And open.

Ooh, baby. Oh, it's not even my birthday, yet.

- I know. - Whoo, boy.

Yeah, I wanted to give it to you early 'cause you know,

we're gonna be on the road for your birthday.

Ah, you wanted me to enjoy it before we go see Sandra.

Yep.

What is it? Is it the uh, hmm...

- Bougie bag I've been wanting? - Nope, but you can carry it.

Hmm, is it a uh, foot massager?

Nope, but you're gonna use your feet.

I know! I know what it is! It's the floating shelves I've been

asking for, for the past years!

Nope, nope. But uh...

It's a broom.

No, it's not a broom. This is the Broom-me!

The tech-savvy broom?

Yes! You can program this thing to sweep, mop, dust and shine.

It makes household cleaning as easy as--

One, two, three, Broom-me?

My favorite roomie!

I know the infomercial, Jeremy. Ooh, ooh.

So do you like it?

Okay. I'm gonna take that as a no.

Uh, I thought you'd love it.

If I was a maid! I don't want a broom for my birthday, Jeremy!

It's not a broom. It's a Broom-me!

Just for you.

She's ungrateful.

Whoo-hoo-hoo. Red says sassy, but sophisticated.

I know, right?

That is beautiful.

Oh, my goodness. What about this one?

I'm loving its green. It says that I'm worth a whole lot more

than what's beyond these seams.

Oh, that's nice. That's nice.

But I say you save that for your victory speech.

Oh. Okay. Oh, my goodness.

And this royal blue one. What does it say?

That says wear me and win!

I love that! That is beautiful!

- Isn't it gorgeous? - Yes, it's gorgeous.

So who are these people right here?

Oh, those are the other competitors in the pageant.

Oh. Well, looking at your competition,

you got this in the bag, Ms. Anastasia!

I agree wholeheartedly!

Yes, this is-- Which one are you gonna wear?

Oh, Ms. Cora, I am so torn. I'm really loving this one.

Hey, ladies.

- Oh, hey! - Hey!

- How are you all doing? - Very well.

- I was just preparing for my-- - Is that gown by Le Mirage?

Well, obviously you have great taste... in gowns.

- What the? What a big-- - Mr. Brown!

Coincidence. What'd you think I was about to say?

I don't know. That's why I was stopping you.

Well, at least y'all not wearing it to the same place.

Mine is for the Ms. Golden Oldie pageant.

- This is so exciting! - Sure. It is.

I love a little friendly competition.

Well, maybe you two can push each other on to be the best!

I'm gonna try this dress on.

And you all can tell me if you think it's a good fit or not.

We can be twinzees!

- The nerve of you, Mr. Brown! - What?

Mr. Brown, you're gonna have your girlfriend enter this

competition just so you can get this free trip!

Cora, it's called outsmarting the competition.

Now do y'all wanna win as bad as I wanna win?

You know what? I will give you a 10 for creativity, Mr. Brown.

That's 'cause I'm creative like that. And I'll have you to know,

she plays classical piano.

- And I play the flute! - You don't play no flute.

You're just blowing hot air.

And I'll have you to know, she also sings in three

different languages. French, Italian and Spanish!

And I could sing anything in English, Pig Latin, and Ebonics.

- You got this, Ms. Anastasia! - You bet I do!

I am gonna do something!

That's gonna knock those judges' socks off!

That's the spirit!

I hope it don't include singing and playing an instrument

- that sound like it's broke! - Mr. Brown.

That's-that's--Uh-uh. Word travels fast.

Efe and them told me everything.

I am a thesbian!

I thought she was married to husbands.

Mr. Brown, a thesbian is an actress!

Oh. Well, you do how you wanna do.

I am gonna do something that I've done my entire life!

What? Switch husbands like you switch drawers?

Why you have to be so negative?

I am gonna act!

I am going to perform a monologue from

- Ma Rainy's Big Bottom. - Yes! And--

I will be Ms. Golden Oldie!

Yes! And may the best woman win!

That was great, Ms. Anastasia! That was great!

And here she is, ladies and gentlemen. Come on down!

Look are her! Look at her! Can you say vacation for two?

Can you say copycat?

Look at her. Spin it. Turn it on like a top.

- Ooh, look at you! - Is there something wrong?

No, ain't nothin' wrong. Spin it for me. Slow motion for me.

Too fast.

You wanna a picture, Cora?

- What's that? - A gift.

- For who? - For you.

What's the occasion?

Oh, well, you bought me one, so I figured I'd return the favor.

Hmm, well, my birthday isn't for months.

Hmm. Consider it a thank-you gift.

So let me get this right.

You got me a thank-you gift for a gift that you didn't like?

Something like that.

Okay.

A tool belt?

Hmm, but not just any tool belt.

That is the special E-D tool belt, the best tools that--

Even a fool could use!

Are you callin' me a fool?

Nope.

- So you like it? - No.

Ah, so now you know how it feels to get something that nobody--

No, I don't like it! I love it!

Oh, my God! Thank you, baby! Mm-muh!

I've been wanting one of these things my whole life.

Oh, my God!

Look at this thing. It's got the little--the little metal on it

for the nuts and the bolts. Man, this thing is cool.

So you're telling me that doesn't make you feel like

you gotta work?

No, it makes me feel like I wanna work.

Man, I'm about to go build some sh--

Okay, so you're telling me that you wouldn't rather have

a new razor, or a sleek device, or, or, hell, even a gift card

to Wings and Wine?

No, baby. That stuff is cool,

but this is gonna last a lifetime.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, I get it. Mm-hmm.

Hmm? Get what?

Yeah. You didn't want me to like this gift, did you?

- You wanted me to hate it. - Not hate it, hate it.

Yeah, uh-huh. You tried to pay me back for the gift I got you,

and it backfired on your ass. Hmm? God don't like ugly, Leah.

Not all like that. I mean...

Look, baby. I'm sorry that you didn't like the gift I got you.

- A broom is not a gift, Jeremy! - Oh, baby, it's not a broom!

It's a Broom-me!

Stop it! When you say that it makes me feel like

you see me as a maid.

Look, listen, you're overreacting, all right? Okay?

The only time you're a maid that I like is when

it's Valentine's Day and you've got the little outfit on

and your ass is all over the place.

I'm just playing, okay?

Now, I know that you work hard around here.

And I was just trying to make your job a little

bit easier, okay? Now, I thought it was a gift that you'd like.

No. I guess it's the thought that counts.

Exactly, all right? Now, I want you to take that refund

and go down and find something that you actually like.

You don't care if I take it back?

It was an expensive broom.

Me! Broom-me!

All right, everybody! Welcome the future Ms. Golden Oldie!

Oh!

You do look stunning, I must say!

Like a beautiful rose that blossoms in the spring!

Thank you, gentlemen.

- So how was the pageant? - Very well.

- Yeah. - Well, I think we have a winner.

What did you decide to do for your talent?

How about you show them, instead of tell them?

- Oh. - Oh, look at the time.

Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Sit down!

Or you're going to miss a performance of a lifetime.

Break them off a piece!

Uh, a little piece, please.

Golden Woman.

Shades of blue deep in my eyes.

Like a canvas in the skies.

Are like the sound of sorrowful cries.

There my hope lies.

Hues of gold aglows' my heart.

Like the color of a fresh start.

My seasoned age has set me apart.

A golden woman. A work of art.

Ooh, beautiful!

That's a sonnet I've never heard!

We have a winner.

Hey, guys. Hey, guys. The judges are deliberating.

Oh, my goodness.

Boy, I tell you. I had a good time at that pageant!

Oh, we couldn't tell, Mr. Brown. Kimberly had barely touched

the piano key when you erupted into wild applause.

I thought that usher was gonna throw you out.

Well, that's what I do 'cause that's my boo.

And haters gonna hate. Y'all just wanna hate.

Anastasia, you are a star.

You were absolutely amazing.

It takes one to know one.

Your concerto had everyone captivated.

You both were exceptional.

So whoever wins, deserves it.

Hey, I think the judges made a decision.

Here we go! Drum roll please!

Ah!

Well, congratulations. I'm sure you're gonna

enjoy your spa and your massages,

and your shopping spree.

No, that's not gonna happen.

What do you mean by that?

Well, 'cause she won the talent portion.

Oh, when she got on that piano, the audience went crazy.

They said, "Oh, play it again, play it again!"

I hope you didn't embarrass us and start throwing confetti.

Yeah, and trying to get the audience to do the wave.

Oh, I did! I did in all of them.

I didn't win the pageant, Anastasia. Somebody else did.

Oh, was it the woman with no teeth

who was giving out samples of her sweet tea?

Oh, no. Uh-uh. Her tea was good, but she didn't win.

I almost got a toothache, though.

Was it the woman who fell out of the wheelchair?

The one that tried to reenact the Janet Jackson Control video?

Oh, no. She got disqualified for faking being crippled.

Don't tell me it was that woman--

The beautiful woman I'm looking at right now.

Congratulations, Ms. Golden Oldie.

I won! I won!

Yay!

They're gonna crown you this evening.

I can just feel the beach calling my name.

If your name is Gregory.

I guess you ain't going, Cora.

I can't wait to tell that fine gentleman to pack his bags

and get ready to ride these waves.

Gregory!

That's gonna be a lumpy ride.

Leroy.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Close your eyes.

Not this again. Okay.

- I got you a surprise. - Okay, okay. What is it?

Is it a Mop Mommy, a Dust Daddy?

Open. Psst.

Baby! Floating shelves for my collection.

I love you so much. Mm. Yes. Thank you.

Happy early birthday, baby.

- Put that tool belt away. - You like that?

- Uh-huh. - You like that thing?

Hit it one time for me. Boy! Come here!

- Thank you, baby. - You're welcome.