Original subtitles

Okay, where is everybody?!

We gotta get this stuff out before the truck get here!

Mr. Brown,

it was a great idea for you to get rid of all of this stuff

and give it away to

the Greedy Feeds the Needy Foundation.

Well, most of the time I do have great ideas.

- Come on, hurry up-- - This is all of my clutter.

Well, what is it? Bring it on!

It's just some large artifacts I'm no longer proud of.

Well, give it here.

What, what label do you want me to put on this?

For ladies only. Batteries not included.

These sex toy--

You gonna give somebody yo' nasty sex toys?!

That's just nasty!

Goin' on here?

Out with the old, in with the new.

That's what my ex-wife said before she left me.

Hey, hey, everybody!

Hey, Cora, stay away from that box.

There's some sexy toys in there.

- It's some sexy toys in there? - Yes.

- Really? - Co-Cora--

Oh my!

What you "oh my-ing" for, Cora?

- 'Cause-- - You ain't--you ain't--

You saved. You shouldn't be oh my-ing!

You should go down, like, oh my.

- Like, no! - Well, oh my.

Cora, get your eyes outta there!

Get your-- Stop being nasty!

All right, well, I need you guys

to watch over these things for me.

I'm doing some renovations in my apartment,

and I don't want them to get damaged.

Cora, they already look damaged.

Look like you stole that from a swap meet.

I'll have you know this is a handcrafted replica

of Noah's Ark, Mr. Brown.

Cora, with that hole in it,

it look like a replica of the Titanic.

And this Bible's been in my family for decades.

Uh, Mr. Reginald, can you watch over it for me, please?

Absolutely.

Uh uh, don't you touch that Bible.

You'll turn into dust. If he touch it--

Heathens turn into dust when they touch Bibles.

You gonna have Reggie to watch your Bible

and I'm standing here?

Mr. Brown, that's because he's responsible.

Well, I'm responsibler!

No, you're not, Mr. Brown. You lose everything.

I ain't lost nothin' since this mornin'.

That's what I mean right there.

I want you to put it in a safe place for me.

I will do that.

If you touch that Bible, it's just gonna flee

and it won't be back for a generation.

I'll have you know that I won the Bible Bonanza.

When?

First grade.

I have faith in you, Mr. Reginald.

So put it in a safe place. I'll be back.

My car is running. I gotta go!

Mr. Brown, y'all get this stuff up out of here.

I'm gettin' it, Cora!

The truck will be here in a minute.

Handwritten notes have been here since the pyramids were built.

You know, he that cannot discerneth the scripture-eth

is probably a heatheneth. That's you.

Brown, I can run circles around you with the Bible.

- With the Bible? - Mm-hmm.

You can-- Do you know who I am?

Mm-hmm.

- Okay, Bible trivia, me and you. - All right.

- One on one. - All right.

Who was it that crossed over Jordan?

That's easy. Moses.

Wrong! Allen Iverson. March 1997.

Crossed Jordan. Almost broke his ankles.

I thought we were talking Bible trivia here.

We're just talkin' trivia.

Okay, I got another one for you.

All right.

Who was it, after the ark was built

and ready to go and sail--

who was it that made it rain?

God Himself.

No! That was Solomon.

He had all them concubines,

and he had a whole bunch of coins, threw it up.

- Oh Solomon, make it rain! - You are afraid I know more.

I ain't never been scare of nothin'.

Well, let me--let me put you to the test.

Go ahead, do your thing.

Who does God say is His wisest prophet?

Everybody know it's Prophet Brown.

Who?

I'm the one that prophesied that "poly" and "ester"

would be together forever.

That's me. God bless you, good night.

Oh, I'ma prophesy.

I'm about to go make me a peanut and jelly

with extra peanut butter.

Yep, and some milk!

Lord have mercy.

Okay, I'm gonna put this in a safe place.

Here it is right here. Okay.

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Sure is a lot of junk.

Junky is as junky does.

Well, this is it for me.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! This isn't junk!

This is my treasure!

Why would you give away my Golden Gavel?

The Bar Association gave this to me

for promoting diversity among the chambers.

Well, uh, it look like a big-ol' piece of junk.

Oh, man! Okay, please do me a favor.

The next time you see anything of mine, set it aside.

I'm on my way to the annual Black Judges Convention.

Y'all be judgin' each other down there?

I bet y'all at that convention just be judgin' like,

hey, is that your real hair or is that a "touflé"?

Y'all just be--

Why you gotta look at me like that?

Such a nasty attitude!

What y'all need to do is try to pass a law

that people uptight like you can get a sense of humor.

Just stay out of my room, Brown!

Tighty-whities got y'all like that.

That got you bunched up in there.

Good, Karen, the donation wagon is just about to leave.

I love donating.

But with a twist.

Well, it's better to give than not to receive.

Well, my ex-husband gave me hell,

and I received a huge settlement.

So I'd have to disagree.

Efe, where your clutter at?

I know you keep clutter.

I don't have clutter, Mr. Brown.

My mother used to say

the vulture will not land at you feet

unless you've left something there to die.

What?

Are you--are you speaking tongues?

Are you--what is it?

No, she taught me as a little boy

that you do not hold on to things you don't need.

Well, why are you still holdin' on to this accent?

You in A-merica now. A-merica. Lose the accent!

I like his accent! I think it's sexy.

Thank you, my dear.

That's enough, that's enough, cougar.

Cougar straight out of Africa.

Now, Mr. Brown, where do you want us to take these boxes?

What do I look like?

Oh, we take them in my car.

Oh, okay.

I can drop it all off on my way to the antique shop.

Oh, okay.

Remember, you in A-merica. Speak A-merican.

Why are you shouting?

I'm an African, not deaf!

Please. You got something in your tooth?

Oh.

Whew! Took you long enough.

You was findin' a bright blue box.

Man, it was so much clutter in that garage,

I feel like I was in prison.

Took me hours to get back to civilization

trying to go through all this mess.

We good now.

You can thank your granddaddy for that.

Yeah, I think he low key a hoarder.

I think so too.

Ah, yes.

I don't understand why you don't

just text the pictures to your parents.

Uh, 'cause they old school. You know that.

If it was up to them, they'd have it delivered

by a pigeon, child.

Yeah, well, pigeons done moved on past deliveries.

Now all they do is drop loads on people heads.

Yeah, well, they've picked up scrapbooking,

so I'm gonna send them some items for their

quote unquote "scrapbook masterpiece."

All right, well, I'm about to take a shower.

Uh...

If you want to get, uh, wet,

feel free to come on in.

Ooh, I gotta find these photos, baby,

but, um, I'll take a rain check.

Oh, I see what you did there, "rain check," make it rain.

Ah, okay

Well, guess what? The pump might not be primed

when you wanna get in, all right?

I know that thing only work about

two and a half times a week.

Boy!

"To my hottie with a body."

"You are the star to my sky, the candy to my eye."

Oh!

We'll have to hop in the shower.

"Sweet to my pie, the zipper to my fly..."

Mmkay, my baby is a poet!

"If we ever marry, my tail will fairy...

"With a little bit of time, you'll be the beat to my rhyme.

"You're everything I dream, my chocolate love supreme.

Love, J-Lova."

Did you find everything you was lookin' for?

More than I wanted.

Well, you got a lot of stuff there.

Yeah, a lot of good stuff and some bad stuff.

So... you're not coming in the bathroom?

I just took a half a shower just in case.

Mm...

Still ain't done my feet.

No, I'm good.

All right.

Hurry up and play, my friend.

I'ma play! This my turn! I play when I wanna play.

Play!

I'm playin'! Okay, okay, uh...

Ah!

We killin'! We killin'!

Wait, wait, wait...

Wait a minute.

This is a Jack of Spades, Mr. Brown.

Aren't you a genius? Of course it is!

Oh, oh, oh! I'm a genius

because you played that same card five minutes ago.

And you're a conspiracy theory.

You gonna play cards or yap all day?

I recall you playing that same Jack of Spades

a little while ago myself, Mr. Brown.

Don't hate the player. Hate the game.

If you're an innocent man,

put your hand on the Good Book

and reclaim your innocence.

Ahh! Yeah, that's right.

We got Cora's Bible right over here.

Right over--right over here...

See what happens--

I ain't got to put my hands on nothin'

'cause the Lord already know I'm winnin'!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Which one of you moved Cora's Bible

- from off the piano? - Not me.

I don't play with nobody's Bible.

- That's sacred. - I haven't seen a Bible

since my second husband gave mine to his parole officer.

They removed his ankle bracelet, and then he left me.

You all need to stop playing, now.

Ain't nobody playin'. I'm serious!

I'm sure Cora can buy a new one.

A new what?

- Bi-- - cycle! New bicycle!

Bicycle? What, what--

Bicycle so we can ride around the, the neighborhood,

'cause we wanna joyride.

Bicycle around nowhere.

That bicycle's not comfortable for my--

for my back end. No.

But you know what?

I got some exciting news, everybody.

They have asked lil' ol' me to bring the Word on Founder's Day.

- Isn't it wonderful? - Oh, that's beautiful, Cora.

And if you want me to add some spice to your sermon,

just let me know.

It'll be such a great honor to use the Bible

that my great great grandmother passed down to me.

And the handwritten notes on the inside

just brings me to tears every time I read 'em.

Yes, and our family history's so rich.

And I'ma use some of their favorite scriptures

on my sermon.

But you're not gonna do that for a while, are you?

Oh, I have about, like, two weeks,

but, you know, I wanna get started,

so where did you put my most prized family heirloom,

Mr. Reginald?

This is the part where we run for cover

from the fire and brimstone.

I hope one of those scriptures is gonna be,

I once was lost, but now I'm found.

Oh, shut up.

What?

I promise you, Cora, I didn't touch it.

Didn't touch what?

My Bible!

Oh no, Cora, he didn't touch it.

He lost it! It's lost!

- Mr. Brown? - What?

Mr. Brown, did you move Cora's Bible?

Because I left it right there on the piano.

No, I didn't move it.

It's got to be somewhere.

Let us split up and look around.

Lord, that Bible has been in our family for decades.

It is the second printed edition after Jesus died.

Cora, they ain't have no printers back then!

They had tablets--

I just caught you in a lie. They ain't have no printers.

I did not lie, Mr. Brown! They wrote it out in--

I'm gonna find your Bible if it's the last thing I do.

The last thing you need to do is repent

so the Lord'll let you into the gates.

Well, I might be on the inside, lookin' out at you.

I doubt it.

Ooh, it's not in the "coo-shawns."

It's not in the cushions either.

That is what I just said.

It's not in the bookshelf.

Cora, I am so sorry.

Cora, you know, if I had one, you could use it.

Okay, okay, I thought I wasn't gonna have to do this,

but, but I'ma call and ask the Lord.

We connect, okay?

Bow your heads. Bow down with me.

Lord!

Do you know where Cora's Bible is?

Huh? Hold on.

Huh?

Huh? What?!

Okay.

He said He don't know.

Well, he didn't know!

What a day, what a day!

I got back $500 from my things at Riches to Rags.

My stuff sold like hotcakes.

Okay, good, Karen, you're just the person I need to see.

Did you fall and hit your head, Mr. Brown?

No, I didn't.

Uh, when you took that stuff down there,

you didn't happen to see a Bible in there, did you?

Oh yeah! Yeah.

After doing a quick Hail Mary,

I took it in to the antiques shop

with my stuff instead.

They'll call me if they sell it.

Sell it?!

Ooh, no, they can't sell it!

Oh, trust me, it'll sell fast.

Those ladies couldn't keep their hands off of it.

That's a part of my history.

The last I checked, you can purchase a Bible

on any corner in the South.

In fact, I just saw a street vendor sellin' some

that light up just around the corner.

Karen, you probably should sit down.

- I don't need to sit down. - Yes, you do.

Cora about to knock you down!

- Knock who down? - You!

Well, come on!

This is all my fault.

I'm going down to that antique shop.

You better make sure they don't mistake you

for one of them antiques and try to sell you.

You, you--Cora--

- You don't wanna hear the-- - You better get my Bible.

- Don't do it, Cora! - Listen to your daddy.

- Ooh! - You--

Ooh!

Are you all right?

Not really. Can't talk about it.

Oh, okay.

I think Jeremy is in love with another woman!

I got two kids!

I can't afford to go to jail for beating down some thot.

- No way! - Mm.

Surely it's some kind of mix-up.

Or not.

I can't believe it!

Look, J-Lova was his nickname when we met.

Oh! A handwritten letter means you really love somebody.

My fifth husband wrote love letters all the time,

and I always thought they were to me,

until one day, I stopped by his office to surprise him--

- Mm-hmm. - and that's when I met

the original Sugar Cheeks.

Not helping.

It's dated 11/21.

How disappointing!

But you know, if he is seeing someone,

he most likely will not tell you.

So you're going to have to ask him some questions

- that don't sound too obvious. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Like, what do you like to do in your spare time?

A, take a nap.

B, curl up and read a book.

C, slap it up, flip it,

and rub it down with another woman?!

Not obvious at all.

I think I'll go with being blunt.

The truth might set me free or put him to rest.

Or put you in debt.

I told my ex-husband the truth once.

And he burned all my wigs,

sold all the expensive jewelry he had bought me,

and then bought a brand-new RV

and rolled off into the sunset...

...with the reigning mud wrestling champion!

Oh, god!

Oh!

Not ready to cash in on that rain check yet, huh?

No.

Okay, well, did you drop those letters off in the mail

- for your parents? - Yeah.

All right, so they should get there

before the second coming of Jesus.

Jeremy, let me ask you a question.

What, uh, what do you do in your spare time?

- I work. - Mm-hmm.

What kind of work?

Like the kind of work where you get paid

or the kind of work that you pay for?

It depends on what kind of work I'm doing

- and who I'm doing it with. - Ah-ha!

What, you a private investigator?

Are you guilty of something to be investigated for?

Ha!

Ah, you know I like to roleplay, mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, guess what?

I've been a very bad boy.

- So you admit it? - Oh yeah.

Yeah, whatever it is you talkin' about, I did it.

Mm, you can punish me however you see fit.

Hey, hey!

- Hey, this ain't no roleplay! - Hmph!

That was a real beatin'. What's wrong with you?

What was that?

- A CWA. - A CWA?

Yeah, a can of whoop-ass!

Baby, what is wrong with you?

Hm?

Who's the skank?

- Oh, oh, oh-- - Oh my god.

You think this is funny?

Hey, no, no, no, look. Look.

Is this what you-- got you on lockdown?

This is not a joking matter, Jeremy Washington.

It wouldn't be a joke

if my uncle didn't write this letter

in 1991, when I was in elementary school.

I had a crush on somebody in middle school.

The 2 and a 1?

No, that's a 9 and a 1.

That faded over the years.

Sorry.

Oh, my mind went in another direction, baby.

Your mind always goin' in another direction.

Now, we making up or what?

Oh yeah. Okay, with--

Just don't, don't punish me too much.

Oh, no, no--

No! No!

I knew he was gonna lose it.

I don't know how I'm gonna break this news to the family

that we've lost such a major piece.

Well, I called down there, and it's definitely sold.

Oh my goodness.

My great great great grandmother read that Bible to her daughter,

and her daughter to hers, and my momma--

well, Madea didn't read it to me.

She would send me over to Mr. Brown's

so he could read it-- read the Bible to me.

But it was a photo of generations of God-fearing women

that used that Bible to get them through the storms of life.

Many traditions and artifacts passed down

that tell a story of history,

like the African quilts.

Or spirituals and recipes.

Just one way how we stay connected

to those who've gone before us.

Oh, for goodness sake, I already apologized.

Damn!

You know, I'ma walk away.

Oh hey, I see you made it back!

What, you were too old for them to sell?

They couldn't offer a 30-day money back guarantee on you?

That's hilarious! See, this chick--

Not now, Brown!

Turns out that the ladies at the antique shop

didn't know how to get the Bible back.

I don't believe this.

But I did.

You found it!

Oh, thank you so much, Mr. Reginald!

Ooh, look, everything is still intact.

Oh, I knew you would come through for me.

- Thank you so much! - Ah it's a miracle!

Thank goodness, Reginald.

I thought we were gonna have to start singin'

an old Negro spiritual.

It's a miracle! How did you do it, brother?

Did you offer to trade yourself in for it?

It just so happens that the lady left her business card.

I called her, met her--

And?

Well, uh, let's just say that she traded it in

for something she thought was worth it.

You mean to tell me you bribed that old lady

with some of your fossil fuel?

That's just nasty. I'ma get you a Bible.

You better not have done what I think you did.

Oh, yes, he did.

It's a called a favor for a favor.

This woman.

Boom, there we go!

You always seem to have that Jack of Spades, Mr. Brown.

Not that again.

A fine Black man that all the women long to be with.

I see something black all right!

Why, a second Jack of Spades! I knew it!

It ain't my fault that the Dollar Depot

had a set of twins in the deck of cards!

- You're a liar! - You call me competitive.

- You're a cheat! - You're a liar!

You're a cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheating cheater!

You cheating cheater--

You in A-merica! Speak A-merican.

America!

I don't know why you're shouting.

Ain't nobody shouting!

You continue smelling like underarmer--

Learn English! You in A-merica. A-merica!