Original subtitles

Mosley, what do you got for me?

Hey, Blair.

That guy that said he escaped the woods?

I found his name for you.

I don't give a shit about his name. What's the name of the place?

I'll do both. It's a place up in Clear Lake. A guy named Keith Morrison.

Did a bunch of videos about a place called Hell's Forest.

If I'm a betting man, that's probably where Lola is.

And with that being said, if it's what I think it is, nobody's going to go in

there. Thank you, Mosley.

Anytime, Blair.

This dirty-ass pool table.

Nah, bring it back. Because I'm black, you dog.

Just stop.

How much does a puller bear weigh?

Excuse me?

Enough to break the ice. I'm Chuckie. How you doing?

Has that ever really worked for you before?

Fuck you, bitch.

Not even in your what is dream.

We're gonna do some shots after that.

I appreciate that.

Hello?

What?

You've gotta be shitting me.

You think he'll go for it?

Yeah, well, I mean, shit, I don't want to drive for four hours.

You think you will?

You don't have a key to you?

Never needed one.

Hey, Marcus, what's up?

Hey, Blair, what's up? You're probably here to see David.

Yeah, he's in his room, right?

Yeah, you're probably going to want to wait a minute.

Blair, Blair, come here. Come this way.

Is that... Are they...

I'm gonna come.

All right. Come on. Oh, shit.

So what is this place called again?

Uh, Hell's Forest.

That's original.

That's what, you know, uh, what's-his-name told me.

What's-his-name? You mean Mosley?

Yeah, that guy.

Jeez, Blair, can't you remember his name?

They talk from daddy over here. Shut up.

So you want to drive five hours to go see if she's there?

Well, yeah.

What makes you think she's even there?

She said she was going to Minnesota.

Her car tracker clocked out five hours from there. Um, Blair, didn't you

mention something about no police station earlier?

The area hasn't had any law enforcement in several years.

What? That's fucking crazy.

So in other words, if we want to find her... We have to do it ourselves.

Pretty much. It gets weirder, though. From what I've been reading, most people

who go there just vanish.

No trace, no explanation.

Yeah, that sounds super sketchy. Like the Bermuda Triangle of forests?

Where are you getting your intel from?

David, we've got to do this.

She's right, David.

Look, I'm all about the cause, finding our friend.

I'm not walking on the Skull Island without intel, too.

Wait a minute. What about Skye? We could call her.

Babe, I promise you, she won't do it.

Oh, yeah?

What do you call a man who hunts down members of the KKK?

A ghostbuster.

Who you gonna call? Your mother.

And I also have one for, uh, I have this other joke that I wrote for Bill Cosby

that I really hoped that he was gonna come down to do standout, but that's not

gonna happen, so I'm just gonna have to do it for him.

Now, see?

Like there's a adult warehouse that's being constructed outside of Iowa right

next to the set of Field of Dreams.

I saw the tagline for the poster and it said, if you build it, they will come.

Ew.

And that's my time, everybody.

All right, everybody, give a round of applause to Dan.

guest winner, a man who I have the wonderful privilege of getting hugs

from. They're great. Now, the next person coming to the stage is a guy who

talks about dead babies even more than Casey Anthony.

Todd Basinger, everybody.

Hype him up. Make him feel as lovely as I think he is.

Called me a real queen. I feel good.

All right.

15 people in the audience.

Awkward vibe.

Is this a real comedy show?

My name's Todd.

I'm sorry.

You all know what Todd you don't like, right? It could be me.

You could just be nice to me right now.

Todd's a douchey name, I guess. Todd does sound like the type of name of a

guy who would finger bang a girl behind a dumpster while listening to Kid Rock.

And I only know that because I did that, and I'm not welcome back at Wendy's

anymore. Oh, yeah.

Oh, there we go, too.

Hell, yeah.

Yeah, like, just born.

Actually, like, if I didn't have a girlfriend, I would bang older women.

And by older women, I mean, like, bang.

Oh, yeah.

Like a hot, hot, you know. Yeah,

hot, hot, they cuss you.

Hi, babies.

If I shoot it, I get a weapon.

I shoot it.

Wait a minute. You wouldn't hit a lady with that.

Use this. It's bigger. Oh, nice.

11 20 we go live now to Aubrey.

Tom I'm here in Jackson County Park where the search for Riley Myers

continues. Meyer has been missing since April of this year and locals of the

area have now started conducting searches on their own.

Authorities say there are no leads or eyewitnesses to attest to her

disappearance but the community isn't willing to give up. So far we haven't

turned up any leads.

I think she was abducted by space aliens.

Disappearances aren't quite uncommon for the state of Minnesota.

Two months ago, popular internet ghost hunter Lola Atkinson had been reported

missing. Her backpack was located five miles outside the infamous Hell's

Forest, where locals believe...

I don't know what the big deal is. It's only two days.

I know it's only two days. I just don't understand why you have to go.

We're just going to bring her over home.

Okay. Just as long as you're careful.

I will.

the band back together.

Bitch ass fucking David over here driving.

We got Blair back there dead ass asleep.

Blair, the fuck?

It's no longer a trip, it's a fucking quest.

Well, I mean, we kind of figured that out.

I'm already on vacation.

Yeah, you want an aspirin or something? Don't touch!

You do do angry very well.

What's your take on blue cheese? I don't like blue.

All cheese. Yeah, cheese. Okay, but it's so fucking delicious.

All right, if you like penicillin, let me eat your fucking food. You are

dramatic as fuck.

I'll eat an air raid, by the way.

God, this girl just won't leave me alone.

It's insane.

Just want some more of that daddy dick.

Oh, yes. Hey,

why don't you watch your marshmallow over there?

God, it's got to be like 9,000 acres over there.

How are we going to find Logan?

Well, I mean, we're going to do our best. That's all we can really do,

right?

Look at them stars.

Seriously, could you ask for anything more peaceful?

You know, it's been forever since we got together.

Yeah, well, we all have busy lives now.

Hey, how's Cinetech?

Cinetech's fine.

Only two morons, Mike and Jesse.

Oh, yeah? And how's that going?

The other day, Jesse got his long-ass hair in my coffee.

That's fucking disgusting.

Mike made a sale using a fake pregnancy, but, you know, she's cool.

Wait a minute. Mike's a girl?

Well, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Bro, who names their daughter Mike?

No shit.

What about you, Maya? What about the ankle brace?

Eh, I'm used to it.

But get this.

Last week, I sold a guy a $5,000 painting in Pennsylvania.

No way.

Yeah, his name was Aaron Brandon.

I went to school with that guy.

Oh, yeah? What are you doing with your life?

Still telling lies?

Why don't you eat a bag of dick for that? I'm living my best life.

Canoeing, living off the land, you know.

You mean living off that settlement check?

Hey, I got what's fair.

Fair?

A goodwill truck runs over your foot, you spend one night in the hospital.

First off, that fucking truck was huge.

Second, what's your name? Maya? You're fucking dead to me. I got a good thing

going, Madison. She's like the best thing that ever happened to me.

You know what?

If you're happy, God bless you.

I wonder where Skye is. She said she was packing.

You know what?

I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't show up at all, to be honest.

Yeah, well, her and Lola were besties, so it's probably really hard on her.

I don't understand why she blames herself.

Lola made the decision to come out here solo.

Me?

No. I'm not bitter.

I think it's fucking hilarious.

Hope I'm not too late.

Bye.

Yeah, I'm here.

Hey, Blair.

Hi, Skye.

Maya.

I do, too. You, too.

Look, guys, I know what you're going to say.

I tried to find her, and I failed.

No one.

No.

Not at all.

You're here. We're all here. We're going to do this.

Your fire's dying.

I think it's fine.

So, should I get some more wood? Could you?

I gotta think of pissing.

So, what have you been up to lately?

Um, I started talking to this guy.

His name's Jordan.

Ooh, good to tell.

We're just emailing for now.

What was that?

Uh,

it's probably David fucking around getting fire reds and some shit.

I'm not waiting around for him.

I'm going to bed.

No, it's fine, honestly.

If you guys want to go cuddle puddle in the tent, I am more than happy to sleep

out here by the fire.

Oh, fuck.

Me and Dave's gone.

Look what I found.

So it's a phone. So what?

It's David's phone.

Knowing David, he's probably drunk out in the woods somewhere.

But I guess now we're looking for two people, aren't we?

Okay, you know how this works, right?

Yes. Five mile radius, GPS, stairway.

Yes, keep the phones on. Right.

Okay, after four hours, we call the police.

Why don't we call them now? They usually don't take it seriously until after 24

hours. Yeah, and it's only been 16.

You jump out from behind a tree, I'm gonna punch you in the face!

I shit you not, dude!

Come on!

David!

Who the fuck are you?

Come on!

Fucking David.

Let him go get himself lost in the woods.

Probably lying in a ditch somewhere.

Fucking great. Awesome.

That's interesting.

911, what's your emergency?

Hello, hello. My name is Maya McConnell.

I'm in health forest.

I'm... My friend... My friend is dead. He's fucking dead.

Ma'am, this is 911, not dial-up ring.

What?

Listen, this is an official police line. We can all stop with the crank calls

now.

Thank you.

Go, go, go, go!

Yeah!

Oh, fuck you! Dude, you gotta suck. Take the shots.

Bullshit.

Give us the game, boys.

Give me another one, Mike. You want?

Yeah, I think so.

Greenberg, Seattle, your brother formed me. Yeah, he's a dead asshole.

Keep smoking that shit. You'll see him soon.

Hey, fuck you, child.

What's up? Hey.

I know, but it's just odd. He always has his phone on. Fuck David, he's a pussy.

Okay, have a beer.

A beer's gonna help.

It's not gonna make it worse.

This is all bullshit.

You know what?

The party's out there.

Yeah, he's right. The party's out there.

Wait.

you

White people and y'all cocaine, I swear to God. I never did it before tonight.

My head is on fire.

My head is still pounding. I'm never drinking again.

I mean, you know, the best solution is egg and milkshake at McDonald's. Are you

on the fourth?

Yes, I am, fourth floor.

Thanks for remembering.

One of us had to.

Yeah.

Excludes my car.

Because it's a little mess. I got kids, you know, they like to throw McDonald's

wrappers under the seat. It might come in front of you.

So you see anything like a wrapper, cup, dead body, just excuse it.

Just excuse it. Don't pay attention or smell.

I got spray for it, though. That's great.

There you go.

That's why I don't wear shoelaces.

Oh, boy. What?

Look at her face. Something's wrong.

Probably didn't get no dick.

Shut the shit. Shit!

Maddie, what's wrong?

What happened?

Hey.

What happened?

What the hell was that?

Is that Blair's voice?

Yeah.

I've been tracking it since last night.

Do you know where she's at?

Yeah. Good. Put that shit on Facebook. I'm sure her parents will find it

easily. This ain't no Scooby-Doo. We ain't finding that bitch.

Shit. All right, Maggie, come on with me. Hey, we need some more muscle. Go

get Chuck.

All right, I'll see you guys over there.

That's not good.

Really?

Holy shit!

Skye. Skye! Skye!

Skye! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Blair?

No. No, it's Maya.

Hey, I'm gonna get you out of here.

Wait, wait, wait, my bag.

Okay, alright.

Oh my god.

I know where Blair is. We have to go.

Stop! Stop!

me oh my god I don't feel shit hey I found a breaker

Thank you.

Shit.

Motherfuckers got me out here in this fucking swamp.

Hate you motherfucking god.

This is some motherfucking bullshit.

Oh my god.

I'm officially lost.

Oh god.

Oh, you scared the shit out of me, man. I almost peed my pants.

You must live around here or something.

Hey.

Oh,

you must be admittedly handicapped.

Shit, no, no. No, fuck that shit. No.

Did you find her?

Yeah.

Fuck! Are you serious?

Okay, calm down. You fucking calm down! I am calm!

Fighting isn't gonna get us anywhere. We need to get the fuck out now.

And go where?

Huh? Where are we gonna go? That dude is on his way right now and there's nothing

we can do to stop him.

Actually...

I got a better idea.

Hey man, you know how black I feel when I'm in the dark? The fuck?

I'm here for Jimmy and Maggie.

I'm gonna run ahead and see if I can find anybody.

Boy, I gotta wait here.

Are you kidding me? Look what you're wearing. You look like a fucking perv

magnet.

Just play Candy Crush or something.

God damn it.

Fucking forget it!

Goddamn!

Shit, Maggie! What the fuck? You scared the shit out of me!

Okay, I'll be satisfied now.

Yeah.

I think it's time to go home.

I've got you, okay?

How the hell did you kill this?

Mattis put a tracker on Blair's phone.

Wait, that bitch put a tracker on her phone?

Is that really what you're worried about right now?

Here you go.

I just saw that dude's handiwork first hand.

Yeah, if you want to see what we did to him, you should check the basement.

I'd rather not.

Hey listen, Jimmy came up behind us. Did you see him at all?

Come on, let's get you to your car.

Hey, Maddie.

I'm signing on.

David?

Yeah.

See you in hell.

Out in the woods, where there's no sunlight.

Between the trees, just out of sight.

Here he comes, gonna find you, my friend.

Yeah, here he comes, get you in the end. And the only thing you know,

it's fading fast.

And the only thing you see, is that mask.

Silent. No birds call.

Feel the earth shake.

When a hammer falls.

Sees you.

With just one eye.

If I do.

If you try to hide.

Strangled scream.

It's almost done.

The hammer swings.

The time has come.

Now it's here.

Evil is real.

It's all you fear.

The

only

thing you see is that

mask.

What you are.

What you was.

Oh my god.

What you are.

Today I woke up dumb I couldn't think of any words that worked my tongue I

couldn't even praise the sun Cause the concept of walking outside was something

I couldn't process I thought cartoons would look like fun But my eyes had no

idea what they were watching Maybe I'm not meant to have one of those What's it

called? Something hold up Rubbing my tummy and slapping my face Basically I'm

multitasking, frantically panting in space Pray for me, while I will fill up

my gas And I can make believe Death will grant me a million miles through the

gaveling But I won't hold my breath unless that's how I'm supposed to get

there, whoa Lord knows it's hard to walk and dig in that side of that box So get

you inside of a coffin and talk to the devil What you want is better than

accomplishing shit What's your mark?

On the front of me

Today is gonna be more of the same, baby. It's amazing how we gain momentum

and remain lazy.

Today is gonna be more of the same, baby. It's amazing how we gain

perspective and remain crazy.

What you want?

On the front of me.

What you want?

An apology?

No.

You're too close to me.

What you want?

Today is gonna be more of the same, baby. It's amazing how we gain momentum

and remain lazy.

Today is gonna be more of the same, baby. It's amazing how we gain

perspective and remain crazy.

What you want?

Oh my god!

911, what's your emergency?

911, what's your emergency?

Hello?

Hello, can you hear me?

If you can hear me, please respond.

Coffee tastes like shit.

Close

the

door.

Sheriff, we got a couple of kids coming in from Hill's Forest.

Host that story and send them on their way.

May I speak freely?

You usually don't.

We've been turning a blind eye to this for 20 years.

Not our county. Not our problem.

Not now!

There's a lot of blood in those woods.

Somebody's gonna come eventually.

And when they do, he will be their problem.

Until then, we'll leave him be.

My sweet, sweet Michelle.