Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language from the outset.

CLOCKS TICKS

SHE SNORES AND SNORTS

SHE GASPS

H... hello?

CAT PURRS

LOUD PURRING

KNOCK ON DOOR

Look, Ian, I'm sorry to burst in like this, but I have to get this sorted.

We've got LCA calling at three this afternoon

and we still haven't gone through the budgets for...

Ian?

My mum's dead.

What? She just keeled over and her heart stopped.

She'd been lying there for eight hours.

Oh, my God.

Is she all right?

Well, no, she's dead, Donna.

Oh, God, yes, sorry, sorry, I wasn't thinking.

I saw her on Friday and she was fine, she... I mean.

OK. Right. Sorry, Donna, you were saying about LCA? I'm just a bit...

Ian, forget that, I'll sort that out.

They're going to be here at three and I've got an appointment at 12.

Hi, Liam? It's Donna.

Look, Ian's had some bad news.

I want you to cancel all his meetings and book him a car. Immediately.

What?

No, it's a personal matter... I can't say on the phone...

No, it's private...

No, I'm not gonna say... What?...

I can't get authorisation from Ian, can I, his fucking mum's just died.

Right, listen, Ian, I've booked you a car and that will take you to the hospital, OK?

What about my meeting?

HE SOBS

I just don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I can't believe she's gone.

Look at me, Ian,

she's not gone.

She's alive in your thoughts and in your memories

and all those years you shared with her.

And as long as you still love her,

there's a part of her that will never die.

Thank you, thank you, Donna.

That...that really helps.

Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. I... I'll come back later, sorry.

(He's gorgeous.)

Karl?

Hello, Tanya. How are you?

What are you? A bit of...

Bit of shopping, yeah.

Me too! Ran out of toilet roll

so I just though I'd... in case I...got the runs.

It's a good little shop, they've got everything, really.

Vaseline, scissors... sellotape...

Right, well I'm not planning a kidnapping, so...

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's good. That's a good...

Look, Karl, I'm glad I've seen you, cos...

Well, I wanted to say sorry about the way I behaved. OK.

I mean, we slept together, it was one of those things.

That was it, but I shouldn't have told Donna.

I'm sorry, Karl, I really am. I think it's just...

you were the first person I slept with since Dan,

and I just... God, it was just a one night stand and that's it.

Maybe I've been a bit odd as well.

Thanks, Tanya. Let's just get things back to normal, eh?

Definitely, for god's sake, let's just forget we saw each other naked.

Although I must say that you do have a very beautiful cock.

I'm joking, Karl.

Ah! Yeah... You had a very tasty minge.

Well, I'm glad we've had this talk,

Karl. Yeah, yes. Me too.

I'll see ya.

Yeah.

< Oh!

I'm having some friends round tonight for a drink, bit of a mini-party.

I don't know if you wanna come round?

Oh, I dunno, Tanya...

Yeah, no, of course. No problem, Karl.

Tanya? Look, I tell you what, I'll just pop in. If that's OK?

Great. Starts at eight. I'll see you then.

Oh, and can you not make any references to eating out my pussy at the party.

It's just not really that sort of crowd.

I don't know if you're responsible enough to look after a cat.

Who's gonna take it for walks?

You don't need to look after cats, they just do their own thing.

Just don't expect me to look after it, cos I've got this place to run.

You're running it for a week.

Yeah, but who knows where that might lead.

I'll be sorry when Richard gets back off holiday.

I'm enjoying the respect. I think table five needs clearing, Oleg.

Fuck the ass off the table.

I was quite nervous at first, but you get into it.

Hello. Hey, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be at work?

Oh, no, Ian's mum's just died, so I'm taking the rest of the day off.

Oh, poor sod.

Yeah. He found out while I was in the room with him. I'm sort of in shock.

God, d'you want a cup of tea?

Oh, thanks, Louise. Cos

I'm doing this deal where you get

a cup of tea and flapjack for £2.40.

Er, yeah, I'll have that.

Yeah, it was weird. I went into this sort of 'take control' mode.

I instantly knew what to say.

I was brilliant. Even Ian was impressed and he was completely self-absorbed.

It was amazing, it was like I was born to do it.

I just feel like, well, maybe I've found my vocation.

I'm a natural born counsellor.

What, you? I'm brilliant with people in pain.

I need to find more people in pain. And help them.

What are you doing later?

One flap a tea. Name I gave it. I think it'll catch on.

What, like your cuppa-teano?

Oh. It's Ian.

I said if he needed me, so...

Hi Ian. No, no, it's fine.

Of course it's fine. Yeah...

Yeah, that's perfectly natural. If you weren't feeling like that you wouldn't be human.

Yeah...

Yeah, and what you've got to remember is, as long as you still love her

there's a part of her that will never die...

Yeah, that's no problem.

Bye.

It's a gift.

Right, well, I think we're all here.

What?

Alex, Pete, this is Karl.

Yes, that Karl.

Haven't been fucked like that since I was a teenager.

You know, when it hurts, but really good hurts?

Right, I've got a few more bits to do.

Oh, Karl, before you sit down...

Would you be a love and pop upstairs

and read Leon a quick story,

just to get him off to sleep so we can all relax?

He can't wait. He's been talking about it all afternoon.

It's disgusting.

I'm allergic to its ugliness.

What are you gonna do with it?

What do you mean what am I gonna do with it? I'm just gonna have a cat.

It likes me.

It understands me.

It smells of death. And it's gonna piss everywhere.

No it won't, I've made it a cat flap.

Why is it bleeding?

What? It's not bleeding. It is!

Look, it's bleeding from its arse.

Oh, my God, I hate it.

Oh, that's nice. That's really nice.

Good counselling skills, Donna.

I'm not gonna counsel a cat, am I? And what about me?

I might care a little bit that the only living thing

in this world that understands me is bleeding from its fucking arse.

Oh, well, look, sorry.

I didn't think...

Karen? Don't get any of its dirty arse blood on the stairs.

DOOR SLAMS

Oleg, can I run something by you?

I was thinking of moving table five over by the window and turning the table for two into a table for four,

what do you think? I think suck my balls.

Oleg! You can't say 'suck my balls'.

Here it means something quite rude.

Louise, I know what it mean, OK?

Let's clear the air, OK?

All I said was if you're de-clogging

the sink with one hand

what's the point in having the other hand idle when there are salads to toss?

And why don't I stir soup with my penis at the same time?

Is in middle, yes?

Excuse me, is the manager here?

Yes, I'm the...acting manager,

but I am in charge of all this, all you can see.

Maybe I should wait and talk to the actual manager

cos... No, talk to me. cos I'm an artist, you see...

You can talk to me about anything.

I just wanted to see whether they'd be interested in showing my work in here?

Yeah, we're interested.

You haven't seen them. We're still interested.

I haven't made my decision because I haven't seen them.

Pop one out. OK. Right.

Oh, wow!

You like it? It's fantastic. I love it.

I really love it. So you think there's a chance you'll hang them?

I definitely think there's a chance, a very... She can't take that decision.

Oleg, can you leave this to... Is not her decision.

Can't you take that decision? I can. Is Richard's decision. It's the manager's decision.

Richard is manager, not Louise. I am the manager, Richard is not here and I am...

Can you not take that decision? Yes, I could.

She can't take that decision, is Richard's decision.

Bring 'em in. Bring 'em all in. I want all of them.

You read her son a bedtime story?

She just asked me to, what could I say?

It was a nightmare.

She fed me taramasalata from her finger.

This might have a lot to do with your relationship with your mother. Stop counselling me.

I'm not counselling you, I'm helping you.

By counselling you.

You should appreciate it. Ian did. I'm taking him kite-flying tomorrow.

I don't think he's ready for kite-flying, Karl, his mum's just died...

Oh, you mean Leon.

Why are you doing that?

She asked in front of Pete and Alex.

They were smiling. What could I do?

They were all smiling at me.

Tell her you're busy. I can't.

It's all arranged. He doesn't even

like me, Donna. I think he hates me.

He doesn't hate you. He said, I hate you.

He was joking. He called me a cock-sucker!

The thing to remember is that...

traps tend to be of our own making.

And what you have to ask yourself is, if this is a trap, what is the trap?

What is the mechanism of the trap and what part of you is caught in it?

And does it sting?

I'm thinking of doing a course.

KNOCK ON DOOR

You not going out tonight? Doesn't look like it, does it?

Is it because of the... cat's bum?

It's funny, innit, Louise? You and Donna must be having a right laugh.

No, we're not laughing, really, it's...

it's sad but, you know, we just think you should go to the vet and see what the problem is.

Yeah, cos I can afford that. Well...we'll help. What?

Yeah, well, we were talking and we thought we'd help foot the bill.

Oh.

Well, that's... that's good.

I'll erm, I'll look into that, thanks.

Aw. Pshhh-shhh-shh.

CAT PURRS

D'you wanna? No, no, that's...no.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, Tanya. Ah...

Come in, then.

Leon's been talking about you all day.

Karl this, Karl that, when's Karl coming? Karl's my new daddy.

What? Actually not that, but he's really taken a shine to you.

Yeah, right. Look, Tanya,

I'm not sure this is such a great...

Leon, look who's here!

It's Karl.

Uncle Karl!

It's Karl! Leon, it's Karl!

He has not stopped going on about you.

Leon, look, it's Karl!

It's Karl!

It's Karl!

It's Karl, Leon, it's Karl!

Someone has really got a fan there. Come on, statue, give him a hug.

All right, Leon? Aww.

Right, well, I'd better go.

Do you mind locking up? Here are the keys.

You may as well keep them. I had them cut for you.

What? Look Tanya, I really think.

Relax, don't worry. Leon loves you.

Look at you, Team America.

You popping round tonight? What? Well, whatever you like.

But I've got us a chicken. See you later. You two boys.

Prick.

Hmmmmm.

What do you think?

Yeah, they're not quite what I expected, but I think they're really growing on me.

Jesus! Fuck! What the hell do you think you're doing, Ian?

I wanted to get your attention. By putting your thumb into my armpit?

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Donna.

I've just come back from the town hall and I've had to, you know,

write down her details for the death certificate.

Oh. Well, that's...

It's just writing it out. Writing her name, Ina, just there in black and white...

Look, Ian, I'm sure...

Did you say her name's Ina?

Yes. Right. Well, I really think Ina wouldn't... is that a name?

Ian? Are you sure you mean Ina?

Yeah, her name's... Are you sure you're not saying Enid?

No, her name was... Ina?

I mean, there's an Irish name, Aoife. Her name was Ina, Donna, please.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, look, Ian, don't cry.

Because that's, I mean do, do cry, because it's good to get it out,

but, you know, maybe don't cry here, because...

Well, these people are your subordinates and...

No, I know, sorry.

Look at me. I'm a mess.

It's just that what you said before... it really helped me.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

Erm, well, look, Ian, she...

She had a good innings.

She was 58.

All right, well...

You know, the thing is Ian that as long as you still love her... Yeah?

there's a part of her that'll never die. OK.

Right, it's just that... What?

Well, that's what you said before.

So? It doesn't make it any less true.

Yeah. You're right. Donna, I think I just need a little..

Ena Sharples! Yes!

Of course. Of course it's a name.

One brownie and a cuppa-teano.

A brown-o-teano. Enjoy.

Oh, and if you're interested in any of the artworks, there's a price list by the till.

Donna, thank God you're here.

Are these...?

Is that...? I mean is that a handful of...? Yeah.

Donna, you've gotta help me. You've gotta talk to Tanya.

She's bought us a chicken, she wants me to go round there,

then Ange turned up, they were all smiling, what could I do?

What am I supposed to do? Karl, calm down, take a sip of your cuppa-teano

and tell me what the problem is. It's Tanya, she's...

It's Tanya, she's mental! You've gotta talk to her.

She took a photo of me and Leon and she's making a Christmas card out of it.

Donna, you've gotta help. Talk to her.

Use your counselling skills. Well, I'm not really qualified yet, but...

What do you want me to say? Tell her, fuck off! But don't say I said it.

All right, I'll talk to her.

Listen Karl, I want you to understand

that this isn't your fault. OK?

If it wasn't you it would be someone else, you're being manipulated. It is not your fault.

Next time, just don't be so weak.

Are you all right? Everything OK? Enjoying yourself? Not eating?

Anything to with the turds on the walls? Richard,

stop calling them 'the turds'. It's art,

and yes, we've got no customers, but controversy isn't easy, it's uncomfortable.

I like the one with the baguette, cos that's quite...

Oh, my God, is that...?

In the bread? Who would do that?

In bread? No-one is eating in my cafe!

And that's the painting's fault? Yes! Get them out of here! Right.

I will. I'll do that. I'll take the paintings down

and while I'm at it, why don't I burn some books?

War and Peace, Hamlet, Captain Corelli's Mandolin?

Let's burn them all, would that make you happy?!

Hey! Take your glasses off! Put down that book, cos Mr Flipping Pol Pot here will have you shot in the face.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, for fuck's... Who is it?

What? Oh, it's just Ian. Honestly, I don't want to sound heartless,

but his grief is boring the tits off me.

Hi...

So, Anthony, first thing to say is that the exhibition looks great.

Really great. Everyone's been really...

floored by them.

But the thing is we were thinking that maybe, this isn't the right space for them.

Being that they are truly magnificent, but being that they are also, in a sense...

faecal matter-based pieces, and, and...and the thing is, Anthony, that this is a cafe

and people have to eat... I'll kill myself, you know that?

..and chew food here. Don't do that because that... I know how to do it.

Would you consider bringing forward the exhibition closing date to now? As you're here. I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna bleed my life out all over my studio floor because you're doing this to me.

Right, tell you what, great idea, how about if I buy them?

All of them? I love them. How much are they? All of them, how much?

£40,000.

Right. Little bit lower than that?

No. OK.

I think, maybe then, we are going to have to ask you...

Don't do this. Don't do this to me. ...if you could take them

down, because... I'm going to kill myself, you know that?

I'm going to take a knife, I'm gonna open up a vein...

Right, well, it's quite serious, I'm afraid.

Now, we can operate,

but it could still be touch and go.

She's being very brave.

I think she's in some pain.

Isn't there just come cream or something,

I mean, I had something similar and I got rid in a few weeks.

Yes, yes, creams are good, but there isn't really one for cancer.

Is... sorry, what's her name?

Catty? Catty. Is Catty insured?

No. I didn't think she was worth anything.

No, I mean has she health cover? Because these things can be quite...

How much is it gonna cost?

Well, it should be in the region of £700.

Right. OK.

Well, erm...

I'm gonna need to make a couple of phone calls. Is that OK?

Sure, go ahead. Take your time.

Yeah, all right, I'm at the vet's...

and it's gonna be about 700 quid...

Yeah, I know...

All right, I'll just clear it with Louise, then. Bye.

Sorry about this.

Hiya.

Look, the cat needs an operation and it's gonna be 700 quid...

Yeah... yeah, I thought you'd say that. All right, I'll see you later.

Yeah, we'd like to kill it, please.

OK.

Well, if that's the way you want to go then, um...

that shall be your cheapest option.

You are shitting me!

What are you gonna kill it with? A golden bullet?

Bye, then!

Don't forget,

any time you fancy a lunch,

you get a free soft drink here free.

For the next month.

Richard say you are loose cannon.

Next time he go away, I am the boss of you.

Oh, suck my balls, Oleg.

Oh, Tanya, thank you so much for coming here.

Oh, God, Donna, no problem.

What's up? It sounded urgent on the phone.

Oh, I wouldn't say it's urgent, I just... wanted to have a chat.

It's about Karl. OK.

Look, first thing to say is that you should see me as a completely disinterested party.

This isn't about me and Karl. What happens with you and him is absolutely fine with me.

Right.

I'm here to help.

And what I'm seeing is a person who's been hurt - and this is you, Tanya -

perhaps looking for solace in another human.

Perhaps the first human who comes along.

Perhaps the very first human she lets inside her.

What you on about, Donna?

No, what I'm saying is that you shouldn't devalue yourself.

You are a strong, beautiful woman.

Dan left you. That hurt.

He chucked you aside like a...

a piece of shit.

But that's not your fault. Say it with me.

What? Come on. Say it. 'It's not my fault'.

What are you doing? 'It's not my fault'.

Donna... 'It's not my fault'. Fuck off, Donna.

'It's not my fault'.

Right, I want this to be quick, OK?

I don't want her to suffer. OK.

I'm gonna count to three, and on three... all right.

One... two...

Jesus Christ, what are you doing? I said hit it on three!

No, no, I thought, you know, like a splinter, use surprise.

Hit it again, fucking hell, hit it again.

Oh. On the head, Louise, on the head.

Oh!

Tanya, will you just for five seconds

shut up and let me help you,

I'm trying to help you.

Why don't you just bloody well try and help yourself?

And if you can't do that why not keep your trap shut?

This isn't about me, it's about you! You and Karl.

You can't take Karl, dress him up in Dan's clothes,

put Dan's hat on his head, call him Dan and live the rest of your life

with him locked up in the cellar, that's not right.

You don't know what Karl wants...

And to be honest, you're not the kind of person, and I am not being cruel or mean here Tanya,

you're not the kind of person that he'd touch with a ten foot...

Look, just be reasonable.

He is still grieving. Grieving what?

Me! He lost the love of his life!

What?

Oh, dear.

You are delusional, Donna. Shall I tell you what Karl said about you?

When are you going to understand?

It doesn't matter what Karl said about me. This isn't about me, it's...

He said that you were genetically incapable of love.

What? Yeah.

He said you had something in you that was missing

that didn't allow you to love other human beings.

No, he didn't... So what?

I don't care. I'm not...

When did he? I don't care.

He likened it to someone being born with 'bits of them missing'. He said it was sad, Donna.

He...he didn't say that, that's... Didn't he?

Well, maybe he didn't say that he thought you were an emotionally stunted, self-absorbed fantasist?

Right, well, OK.

Great, I think that's, er... That about, um...

I've got to get back to work,

I've got to... Yeah, better get back...

Tell Karl not to bother calling.

Because I can't be dealing with all this.

Leon thinks he's a wanker, anyway.

Donna, I wonder if I could have a word...

Oh, really, Ian?

Really?

What about? Is it about your dead mother by any chance?

You want me to make the pain go away?

Well, here's the news, the pain...

never... goes... away. It's all pain.

It's all pain, Ian, this whole world is pain.

Maybe you just didn't love her enough, did you think about that?

But that is how we die, that's how we all die, alone and unloved.

That's how I'm gonna die, that's how you're gonna die

and you can bet your shiny fucking head that's how your mother died.

So if you've come for the truth, at last, if that's what you've come to talk about, then I'm all ears.

Actually, Donna, it was... it was to discuss LCA's budgets.

Right.

Well, we can talk about that too.

I'm sorry.

You sure you don't want to sit down?

No, no, I just popped in to say

I spoke to Tanya and she got the message. She won't be bothering you again.

Ah, that's great news.

That's fantastic, that's...

Thanks for that.

I would've done it myself, but...

she scared the shit out of me.

It's no problem.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, great. You sure?

Yes. Yeah, great.

You sure you don't wanna stay? I've got Troy on DVD.

No, I saw it at the cinema, it's shit.

Except the battle scenes...

Look, Karl, I think...

What? I think...

I think there's quite a good making of on the DVD extras.

That's all. I'll see you soon.

Yeah. See you soon.

DOOR SHUTS