Original subtitles

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It's true. Hakuna Matata.

No worries!

No, no, I can't watch this, I can't watch this.

Wakanda forever! - Yes. I like that.

Hey, is that your momma land,

that's where you're from?

It's not a real place.

Yes, it is.

That's on the southern tip of Mongolian Beef.

- Mozambique! - Yeah, yeah.

What are you doing here at this hour?

Well, I had to get some work done.

What's all that?

Uh, night allergies.

What you allergic to, sleep?

It runs in the family.

Okay, well, the only thing I know

cause you to stay up this late is caffeine,

a little subscription drugs, and some knocking boots.

Add night allergies to the list and leave me now.

Okay.

Maybe you can just cry yourself to sleep.

Oh, you weren't crying, though, it's the allergies.

"Allegedly."

Do you regret coming to America, Efe?

No, this movie---- it's--it's very funny.

I can't stop laughing.

Oh, okay.

I can see from the bloodshot eyes

and the tissue for an entire village.

I wasn't born yesterday, Efe.

I'm sorry, Ms. Cora. I'm having a moment.

Well, it look like you've had a stream of moment.

Every time I turn on the television,

I see something that reminds me of my past,

so I get happy, then I get sad.

Let me see that remote.

Let's see what we can find right quick.

Ah, there it is, "Finding Nemo"!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not Nemo,

that's Bobo from "Hook, Line, and Stinker." Oooh!

It reminds me of my Arabinrin Obi.

You mean your Obi Wan Kenobi?

No, no, no, no, auntie--my auntie.

My friends and I would be fish--fishing in the lagoon,

she would make the best jollof rice and peppered fish.

Oh, okay.

You know, I make a mean dirty rice and fried catfish.

I can throw in some sweet potatoes!

Oh sweet!

My wife was sweet! - What?

♪ No matter what you do I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, Blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown, I'm concerned about Efe.

Everything seems to upset him.

I think he's missing his family and friends.

Oh, Cora, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

'Cause the Bible says man should not cryeth alone.

Mr. Brown, it don't say that nowhere in the Bible.

- Somewhere. - No. Jesus did weep.

Yep. Uh...

How those allergies coming along?

They only act up on nights.

Oh.

Anybody want to play a game of Go Fish?

It's night allergies.

You need to take something for that.

Ha-ha! Ain't nothing like Ms. Annie's catfish and chips.

You're allergic to fish, too?

Man eaten by a giant blowfish.

What's the matter with Efe?

I think he miss his friends.

See, unlike him, I don't have those issues,

'cause all friends do is borrow money,

then get amnesia when it's time to pay you back.

I ain't never did that to you.

Then you ain't never been my friend.

We gotta do something to help Efe.

You know what? That's a good idea.

I bet you didn't know I have an honorary degree from FU.

That's Fool's University with a degree in foolology.

No, that's Flake University dot com, thank you.

I have a degree in, uh, pathetic studies.

Did they use you as a case study?

Y'all can say whatever you wanna say,

but I'ma have Efe fixed up in no time, watch.

He's so stupid.

So, um, Mr. Ukulele.

Omowale. You can call me Efe.

No, no, while I'm in a professional setting,

I prefer to just only use last name,

we're keeping it very professional.

Don't I look professional?

Thank you.

Okay, so tell me, Mr. Oklahoma, when you wake up in the morning,

do you, A, apologize for your dragon breath,

or do you, B, breathe on people without any shame,

or do you, C, tell someone that something has died

in your mouth while you were asleep?

What are you talking about?

Okay, denial.

Here's another one: When you get angry at folks,

do you, A, pimp slap somebody,

do you, B, run and slap the first person you see,

or do you, C, drop to your knees and begin to pray?

I don't remember doing any of those things.

Okay, forgetful.

Okay, when you see someone that has more than yourself,

do you, A, wish you had it,

do you, B, take it from them,

or do you, C, lie?

I envy no one! Ha!

"Delusionee."

Okay, Mr. Owakewa,

what I'm going to do is I'm gonna just go evaluate

my evaluation of your evaluation,

and I will get back to you as soon as possible,

okay, Mr. Okunkuwunk?

Thank you.

Also angry.

Where's Philip?

Ooh, he should be home soon, what's up?

Just got a call from his teacher,

apparently he is failing chemistry.

What?

When he come in this house,

oh, it is going down. It's going down.

Stay calm. On three.

One, two, three, stay calm.

Boy, have you lost your everlasting mind, huh?

You done missed 15 assignments?

- Eight-- - And ten labs!

Four.

Boy, cut me off again, I dare you.

What is wrong with you? Huh?

You know what? I'll tell you what you can do,

you can walk around this house until you find your little mind,

how about that?

I'm sorry. Yes, ma'am.

Ten labs.

- If looks could kill. - Yeah, you'd be 12 feet deep.

Twelve? You mean six?

No, no, she will kill you twice, okay?

Now, you knew about this F?

I don't want to be a chemist, and I can make

way more money being a DingDong star.

Matter of fact, I don't want anything to do with science.

It's not like when I graduate somebody's gonna hand me

a Petri dish and tell me to watch a cell grow.

At this rate, you aren't gonna graduate high school,

and then you'll be finding out

about different kinds of cells.

What? Gimme this.

Problem right here, this phone.

You know what? Get upstairs and put on a wife beater

and some jeans, you about to find out

about some hard labor, ding dong.

Can I at least bring a sandwich?

No. That's my sandwich.

Okay, I've done a analyzation on Efe,

and I know exactly what's wrong with him.

- What's that? - He got menopause.

Let me handle this my way, you don't know

what you're talking about.

It's a scientifically proven fact

that men don't go through menopause.

Well, why do they call it "meno-pause," then?

See, the scientists don't know nothing,

we should've just asked the lord on this matter,

he knows all.

I think my fourth husband suffered from that.

Once we were on the slopes

and he started stripping on the diamond.

I thought he had the hots for me,

turned out he was just having the hots.

Mr. Vinny, I was trying to pray with Efe,

and I mentioned that our lord and savior

was a fisher of men, and he lost it.

I got this, I got this.

You know what? Let me tell you something.

-Uh-huh. - Just don't mention fish,

whatever you do.

What you need to do is watch and learn,

here we go. - Okay, alright.

Efe, my brother.

Poor thing just breaking up.

Look, I heard you're going through a little something,

you know? So me, Vinny,

being the--how can I say this-- unselfish.

You know, you know, what I like to do

when I'm going through something like this,

you know, take it to the head.

I can't take anything to the head.

I'm talking about, you know, throw one back.

Throw what back to where?

Take a sip, you know, let's get numb!

The last time I was numb, I got a snip, not a sip.

Numbing things is a temporary solution

for invertebrates. Give us a second alone, huh?

Come on, give us some time alone.

Come on, help us out here.

I want to see what's gonna happen.

It seems I'm having a bit of trouble.

All my--all my loved ones have gone.

My friends, my wife...

Yes. I know exactly how you feel.

I've suffered the same losses myself.

You lose all your friends, then your wife leaves you

for some guy who knows how to ride a bull,

leaving you behind to suffer the end of the journey alone.

And then you end up in a place with a bunch of people

that you have nothing in common with

to end up in the dying process.

- Tissue? - No.

But you have to run to it, you cannot run away from it.

Yes! How do I do that?

You have to face things head on.

Very good.

Now look me in the eyes.

Fish.

One fish. Two fish. Red fish. Blue fish.

Fishing, fishwhich, "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh"!

- Way to go, Sherlock. - Mm.

Just give it some time to work its magic.

Maybe I should analyze you.

That's it, that's it, I'm taking over.

I know what Efe needs, he needs a woman's touch.

Oh you just be-- stop being nasty!

Not from me, I'm setting Efe up on Silver Fox,

the dating service for seasoned singles

who can still see, walk, and talk.

The last time I went on Silver Fox,

I got something I couldn't return, and I'm still itching.

- Oh, disgusting. - Ignorant is what you is.

Alright, so today we're gonna use 120 grit sandpaper

to lightly sand those cabinets, alright?

So what we're gonna do here,

always remember when sanding, it should be going

with the wood grain, like this. Right?

And don't forget while sanding,

it should always be smooth like butter.

Or better yet, like my skin, okay?

Yeah, yep. Just like--

Man, don't you think we should take a break?

We've been at this for hours.

Uh-huh. Yeah, that hard labor on your ass, ain't it, boy?

Mm-hmm, you can't handle it, I knew you couldn't handle it.

I knew it.

You know what? Let me see that checklist,

let me see how much he's done so far.

So far he's reupholstered a chair,

he painted the hallway wall, detached all bathroom cabinets,

drilled in upgraded hinges, sanded them down,

conditioned the wood, I mean...

Yeah, and I'm about to put the "staink" on it.

You get it? Stain, staink, like the "ai?"

Alright never mind. Dad, do we have some more

of the 220 grit sandpaper and wood conditioner?

Also, do you know where I could get a crane?

Okay.

Man, what the hell is going on?

You're supposed to be in here working his fingers to the bone!

I need you to turn the heat up, gotta burn him out!

Look, I'll try, alright? But I'm falling asleep here,

can I get like an energy drink?

Or just let me take a cat nap like right there.

How's this?

"My name is Efe Omowale, I'm a self-starter

who loves fishing and playing board games."

Oh woman, you about to put me in a comma.

It's "coma," not "comma."

Whatever it is, you about to put me in it.

Here, let me, I've got to see this.

Now how's this?

"To whom it may concern, a rose by any other name

shall smell as sweet"... - Good lord.

That's why you still single, Reggie.

Now type this, type this, type this. Here you are.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

"Aquarius. And my name is Efe.

And I like a woman who likes everyone and everybody."

Type that up! -Shut up.

That's whack! - Put that down, man.

I really don't want to do this.

This is not how you pick a wife.

You have an arrangement deal?

Like "Married at First Glance."

No, I couldn't do that. I mean, what if she's ugly?

What if she's real ugly? Then we'd have to change

the show to "Hell No, She Gotta Go."

No. I picked my dear wife.

Now she's gone, too.

Oh shoot! We got some action!

- Ooh, ooh, yeah. - We got some action.

Wait, what we got?

Nah, nah.

Oh, damn.

Oh, hell no.

No, no, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I can't imagine having all these pretty women on there,

and don't nobody want you.

Hey, what did y'all do?

I was trying to help him.

Mr. Brown, you know-- y'all come on, come on,

come in here. I got an idea. I got an idea.

I think it may work. You know, since Efe

is missing his Motherland. - Uh-huh.

I say we bring his Motherland here.

So does that come with curvy African dancers

in loin cloths?

No.

Good idea, Cora, good idea!

Alright, so this what we gonna do...

Oh, here he come y'all, here he come, here he come.

Okay, okay.

What is all this?

You're trying to say--

Which means "welcome."

Brother. Brother, brother, brother! Brother!

Beats the drum, don't beat up the drum.

Efe, Efe, Efe, Efe,

we have some of your homeland favorites.

And we stayed away from the F-word.

Did we? 'Cause we still got a fool in the room.

No! The F is for fish!

No, no!

See? My method worked. Hmm?

You all didn't need to do this.

Yes, we did, 'cause you was crying

like a little old girl.

"Why, what is the meaning? I am so"--

Mr, Brown, no, no, we know you were missing

your home, so we wanted to make you feel at home.

Oh, oh...

I feel...

Hot! I mean, is it only me, but is it real hot in here?

See? Hot flashes! He got menopause! I told--

No! Vinny had the idea to turn up the heat

so it would replicate the humidity of Africa.

You would.

This--this is all very nice, thank you.

-You're welcome. - But I must tell you,

I didn't grow up in a jungle! -What?

I been telling you people, stop looking at TV

and saying, "This is Africa, this is Africa."

I grew up in a city! Uh.

We didn't have this bush all over the place.

Somebody needs to go and turn on the air conditioner

before we die of dehydration.

Now what is a tiger doing here? - What?

- There's no tiger in Africa! - Oh!

I didn't have all these bush in my--uh, in my house.

- Well, we're sorry-- - This bush,

I did not grow up in a pack! - We didn't--we're sorry.

Oh, I'm going to turn on the air conditioner.

Remove that tiger!

We're just trying to make you feel at home!

Let them wait.

La, la, la, la--

What do you mean he likes hard labor?

Baby, he has been going and going all day.

He might be on something.

Well, I'll be his pusher. I got a whole list

of things for him to do.

Like what?

- My new blinds need-- - Need to be hung. Done.

The trim on the bathroom floor--

Freshly painted.

Philip, darling, thank you for hanging my mirror

on the ceiling, I absolutely love it.

See? He actually likes handy work.

And he's good at it, I don't know where he got it from.

And what's wrong with that?

My third husband was a very handy man.

He died cleaning my gutter.

Key word, "died."

Lindor! Lindor!

Hey, Lindor, wake up, man!

Come here.

Did you give him the additions I added to the list?

Every... last one of them.

He even added a few of his own.

Yeah, for my Y.D.I. posts.

You mean D.I.Y., do it yourself?

No, I call it Y.D.I., "you do it."

Hey, guys, now we about to start building

that pimped out birdhouse.

So when the bird lands on it,

it's gonna start playing hip-hop.

Whoa.

Hey, I don't think you guys need me around here anymore,

so I'm gonna head home and turn in early.

Thank you for having me.

Yo, where is my assistant?

It's so hard to get good help around here.

Coming.

Hey, did I tell you all Philip fixed my coo-coo clock?

Alright now, this has gone too far.

Too far! Coo-coo clock?

What?

Who wants their kid to flunk out of school

to pursue hard labor?

Yeah, a college degree is the key to success, Mr. Brown.

Says who?

Says any job that doesn't have you

working paycheck to paycheck. - Tcha.

Okay now, look, college ain't for everybody.

Okay, well as for me and my house--

Okay, first of all, this ain't your house,

'cause I'm paying most of the stuff around here,

I'm just saying. - Ah.

Now look, I didn't go to like a regular college.

You can have every degree in the world you want,

but if you don't know the real true value of hard work,

you'll wind up like y'all: broke.

He's a black man in America,

he'll need a degree to compete, hear?

Thank you.

I know we gotta work harder, and we gotta be better,

but he gotta be well-rounded, he gotta be a man

of many, many skills. Kind of like myself.

Thank you. Thank you so much, of skills.

College gives you options, alright?

Now, if he grows up

and wants to be a birdhouse builder one day,

that's fine. But that degree?

That's something to fall back on,

and that's what's important. -Right.

Well, whether or not he decides

to go to college or not, he'll decide that

at the appropriate time. Right now, he needs to pass

this chemistry class. -That's true.

I'm telling y'all, the boy good.

And he's smarter than y'all think he is.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys,

Lil' Jeezy just liked my Y.D.I. posts.

Hmm.

I'm about to be a DingDong star!

Alright now, I'm glad he liked your post and everything.

I don't know how you got this phone back,

but first you're going to finish that chemistry homework, okay?

Yes. Yes! So that means I can go home?

I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning!

-Get out of here. - Run, boy.

I think he might be slow like his daddy.

That's me.

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