Original subtitles

♪

Hey, hey, what's that smell?

It's like somewhere in between week-old chitlins

and--and third-world dumpster.

Um, that smell would be your father, Son.

You're crazy. I don't stink.

Ah, yeah, it's me, I stink real bad.

Just to be clear, that scent, that smell,

that's the scent of hard work.

Something y'all don't know nothing about.

Well, I'm doing the hard work of trying to pass--

pass...

- Hey, hey, look. - Uh.

I haven't eaten breakfast yet,

and I've already mowed the lawn,

fixed the water heater, and I've listened to

Anastasia tell me the story about the time

she went skydiving with Dolemite twice.

Why don't you take a much-needed break, right?

And then me and you can go find us a greasy spoon,

and get us some pancakes like we used to before we had

responsibilities and stuff, you know what I'm saying.

I would love to, baby, but we do have responsibilities,

alright, I got a million things to do around here.

I just can't right now.

It's fine.

I wanted to sit here and eat this soggy-ass cereal

for breakfast anyway.

Maybe tomorrow, okay?

Oh, Efe wanted me to tell you that

you need to fix his toilet again.

Alright, sorry, baby, maybe next month.

He said that it's doing that thing again where

it's yelling at him. I don't know.

It always seems so angry. - Yeah, it's probably

'cause of what Efe is feeding it.

Who is texting you, boy?

It better not be that girl from your algebra class

with the dookie braids that was twerking at the talent show.

Man, I wish Big Booty Judy was blowing me up,

but, no, it's the school's basketball coach.

What did the coach want?

Uh, he's begging me to try out for the team.

The coach must have heard how much of a baller

your daddy was back in the day. Uh, for three!

Oh lord.

- Really? - That's brutal.

That's brutal. - There you go trying

to relive your so-called "glory days."

They're called glory days because I won a championship.

You were 11.

And? What that mean?

Shoot, the team--the other team we played against, ssh,

they were advanced. - Uh, how advanced

could they be in fifth grade?

Well, they had tattoos, alright?

Now, come on, chop-chop.

What you waiting for? Let's go.

My waffles to come out the toaster.

Man, forget them waffles.

You got tryouts today,

it's time to get you prepared, alright?

Go get your ball. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I thought you had a lot of work to do today.

Like taking a bath. - Listen, Son.

There are some things in life that are way

more important than work.

And living your dreams vicariously through your son

is one of them. - Alright.

♪

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good workout, Son.

Think you're ready for your tryout.

Timeout, timeout.

The boy is not ready.

Grandpa, slow your roll. I got this.

This is my son, alright?

Whatever he got,

you definitely don't want.

I've seen your daddy play.

- Please, I had game. -

Let's see what game you had was--

Sorry, that's what you had.

The game Sorry, yeah.

I was like a young LeBron James with it.

Hold up.

You were like a young LeBron Shames.

Now your granddad on the other hand,

stupid skills. - Alright, what was

your playground nickname? - See, they call me

The GOAT, baby.

Okay, Greatest of All Time?

No, no, like an actual goat.

See, your granddaddy wasn't fond of deodorant,

but, man, I could play it on that playground.

I was something else, boy.

Man, I've coached him up great, okay? Alright.

Now that crossover is butter.

He dropping dimes. - Oooh-hoo.

And that J is what?

Wet.

Look, I don't even know if you trying

to teach a boy how to play basketball,

how to cook, how to lose money, take a bath.

I don't know what the hell you trying to teach him.

What he's saying is, he coached me on how

to dribble, pass, and shoot.

You're not teaching him

the fundamentals of the game, man.

The most important part of the game!

- And what's that? - Trash talking.

I mean, how to get up in a player's head, man.

Trash talking?

And you gotta hit 'em with the, "Your grandmamma

got one tooth, take her a month to eat corn."

You gotta hit him with, "Your grandmamma got a job

at the bakery fixing broken biscuits."

Throw his game off.

He be like, "What am I gonna do?'

Well, guess what?

My grandmother was your wife.

Mm.

Stay out of my head, boy.

Okay, first lesson,

forget everything Grandpa just said, alright?

He's nuts.

Oh, nice cheerleading outfit.

This was the costume I wore in my movie

"Disco Kung-Fu Cheerleaders

Funk Up Detroit."

- Think I've seen that. - And I heard that there

was a budding basketball star out here,

and I wanted to come and cheer you on to victory.

Okay, well, let's see what you got.

Well, that's why I wore this,

darling. - Eh.

I meant show us a cheer.

Oh, right. Okay.

Don't score me any weed, or LSD,

just score a basket for me, yeah!

Go! Team! Whoo!

Really, Miss Anastasia?

What?

I haven't cheered since the '70s.

My back.

Well, this was really fun, Dad.

Yeah, yeah, you just remember this when you go

to the NBA.

I had fun, too, Son.

Oh, there's your ride.

Oh, I thought you were taking me.

Nah, man, I got a lot of stuff to do around here, just took

a couple minutes so I could get my son in shape, you know?

But your homie Peanut,

his father gonna give you a ride.

Yeah, that's my boy! Yeah!

NBA!

♪

Miss Anastasia?

I was wondering if you could give me some advice.

Oh, darling.

I'm only qualified to give advice in three areas:

fame, romance,

and what to look for in a good attorney.

Divorce attorney, that is.

Right. I need to know how to set a romantic scene.

I'm wondering, is this not something you should

ask your mother?

Oh, I'd rather talk to you.

You know, you just seem like you've been around.

I'm not sure whether to be offended

or to pat myself on the back.

Oh, no, no, I don't mean like you're a thot

or anything, you know, you're just so classy

and experienced with fancy things.

I mean, you're obviously the most qualified person here.

I can't disagree with you there.

So you wanna set up a romantic mood?

Mm-hmm.

Who's the lucky fella? Lindor?

Oh, I'd rather not say.

Ooh, is it a spy? An international spy?

That if you told someone the Soviet Union would

terminate him? - What's the Soviet Union?

Whoever it is,

candlelight is key, the more the better.

The soft light will hide your crowfeet.

Ew. I don't have crow's feet.

I get pedicures on the regular.

And don't forget the roses,

however many you can afford.

White if the relationship is new.

Yellow if you're gonna be friends.

And red if you're ready for the hubba-bubba.

And what is hubba-bubba?

For you, darling, it's holding hands.

Oh, okay, red roses, then definitely red.

Mood music and dessert are also a must,

but both must be like Smokey Robinson.

Dipped in sugar, light and sweet.

This is gonna be so good.

Thank you for doing me this favor.

My pleasure!

Oh, one more favor.

Could you not tell my parents about our little conversation?

I hadn't planned to,

but now I'm wondering if I should.

I just don't want them asking a hundred million questions.

You know, I was just curious about how to set

a romantic scene for the far future.

The future?

Far, far sometime later.

Okay, dear.

How come adults always ask so many questions?

Hey, Sis, love that shirt on you.

Okay, who are you?

And what have you done with my little brother?

What? It's a wonderful day.

And I can't be happy?

Okay, okay, I get it.

You made the basketball team, congratulations.

No, I didn't.

Okay, well, then I think I need to go get Mom,

because you definitely took a major blow to the head.

You know failure's supposed to make you sad, right?

Yeah, I'd be sad if I wanted to make the team.

But I didn't, so score.

You didn't wanna make the team?

No, I don't wanna play.

The only reason I tried out is because

Dad seemed excited, so I used it as an opportunity

to spend some time together.

Oh.

Hey, there's my future NBA star.

Man, how did tryouts go?

Great.

So you made the team?

- I sure did. - Ah, that's my boy.

Yeah, yeah, proud of you, Son.

Yeah, man, good job.

Yeah, what y'all talking about?

- Uh-- - Oh, nothing.

Just about how great the tryouts were.

Oh yeah?

♪

Go for three!

Ooh, that sounds so good.

Good afternoon, Sandra.

Hi.

Sorry, ear hustler alert.

That girl is up to something.

It's not ladylike to eavesdrop, Anastasia.

Efe, you're not a lady.

Not the last time I checked.

But I do like puppy videos and pumpkin spice everything.

Sandra is up to something.

I need you to eavesdrop.

Why don't you eavesdrop?

It's beneath me.

And why is it not beneath me?

This morning, I saw you eat a nacho off the floor,

and you didn't bother to blow off the stray hair.

That is a valid point.

But I must remind you that my hearing is not as good

as it used to be. - Mine isn't either.

Perhaps we should combine our hearing powers.

Ooh, I can hear her clearly.

She's planning "to meet Bell Biv Devoe to fight."

No, she's planning a romantic rendezvous tonight.

No, I believe I'm correct.

You cannot trust a big butt and a smile.

- Shhh! - Oh, okay.

She says she's going to "sneak up and slap Neo."

Oh, no.

She says to "sneak up the back patio."

Oh, this is like the fable of the blind man

that was describing an elephant.

Did you hear that? She said "Linda."

Who is Linda?

No, nincompoop, she said Lindor!

We got it!

She is setting up a romantic rendezvous

tonight on the patio with Lindor.

I disagree.

I believe she's plotting to beat Neo, Bell,

and Bell Biv Devoe.

But you can do you.

Me, I'm going to have some hair-free nachos.

Check it out.

Jeremy, I have something very important

to talk to you about.

Ok, whatever it is, it's not more important

Than us getting to Philip's game.

And we need to get there ASAP.

- Okay? - It's about...

something that can wait.

Good luck with your game, Philip.

Wait, Philip, you're going to the game?

Of course he's going to the game.

He's the starting point guard.

And guess who his dad is?

Philip, you let Dad get a custom jersey?

Wow.

Grandpa was gonna get one too, but the people

that made it, they wouldn't make one that said,

"Your granny has tetherball boobs."

And so, Philip, where's your uniform at?

- My--my uniform? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, um, it's in my locker.

- Oh, it's in your locker? - Where else would it be?

I can't wait to see you score your first basket.

I can't wait to see how this ends.

♪

Hey! I need to talk to Mr. Reginald

so he can find me a lawyer, 'cause I'm taking that coach

to court. - Well, what happened?

First, they gave everybody on the team a uniform

except my son.

So, Philip was forced to wear his PE clothes.

Right? - Right.

Well, that's horrible.

Then they didn't have enough room for him

on the bench next to his teammates,

so he had to sit in the bleachers

next to the bench. Right?

What kind of coach does that?

Then to top it off-- top it off.

They were getting blown out,

and he still didn't put Philip in the game.

He had all these scrubs in, but not my son?

Come on, man. - Exactly, 40, 50 points.

Jeremy, please tell me you kept your cool.

Yeah, I kept my cool.

Tell the truth.

I mean, as long as I could.

Jeremy, what did you do?

All I did was try to get a chant going,

saying "Put Philip in."

And then security came out of nowhere,

put me in a headlock, hit me with a stick!

Wait a minute now.

They got on the walkie-talkie talking about some,

"We got a 10-13." - Uh, Jeremy you know

a 10-13 is a code for mental health issues?

No, I didn't know that.

And then I might have kicked the mascot

in the tail feather on my way out.

What?

You know what?

This story isn't quite adding up.

You are awfully quiet over there, Son.

Yeah, I mean, I'm...

awfully quiet when I'm tired.

That game--that game took a lot out of me.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna head to bed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What you mean you tired? You didn't get in the game.

What you tired for? Sit your butt down.

Are you sure you told us the whole story?

Maybe.

What you mean maybe? Ain't no maybe.

Either you did or you didn't.

Okay, would you believe me if I said

the coach wanted me to rest for the next game?

No.

Fine, I--

I didn't make the team.

You're serious?

Of course, he's serious, baby.

No uniform, no seat on the bench.

Everyone thinks you're crazy.

- You know what? - Hmm?

Now that I think about it,

you weren't even in the program.

And he told me that all the girls

tore out his page of the program

so they could get his autograph.

You believe that?

I mean, it sounded good to me at the time.

It sounded like something you wanted to believe.

You're so busy trying to relive your glory days

through our son, you missed all the obvious signs.

And almost got yourself arrested again.

Huh-uh, huh-uh, you're not gonna put this on me.

I'm not the one that was out there lying

to their father, got me up at the school looking

like boo-boo the fool. - Jeremy, calm down.

You know what?

I can't believe you, man.

Just go to your room.

- But, Dad-- - Go!

What are we gonna do about this kid lying--

I hate to intrude, but it's quite urgent.

Well, what is it, Miss Anastasia?

Sandra, I believe she's planning a romantic rendezvous

tonight on the back patio after everyone goes to sleep.

With who?

Lindor.

- Sandra! - Shh! Jeremy. Jeremy.

Let me handle this, baby, this needs to be

a mother-daughter conversation.

Why? She went behind my back too.

Uh, just let me handle it.

Alright, but if I catch Lindor

trying to sneak up in here again--

- Mm-hmm. - it's gonna be a 10-13.

- Okay. - A 10-14, and a 10-15.

- Um-- - Yeah, that's super crazy.

Crazy.

♪

What's new, Sandra?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Oh no?

You're a little jumpy this evening.

What's on your mind?

Oh, you know?

Why you keep checking your phone?

Because I'm a teenager.

Keep getting smart with me.

I know what you're up to, young lady.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

Your father and I may not know how to TickyTocky,

but we're not stupid.

And frankly, I'm-I'm disappointed that you felt

like you had to keep your planning tonight

a secret from your mother.

Of course I did. What are you talking about?

Denying it 'til the very end, huh?

I'm talking about this.

Mm-hmm.

Setting up your little romantic scene tonight.

You got a million candles out here.

Dozens of roses.

And--and a white tablecloth

with chocolate covered strawberries.

Are you happy now, Mom?

You ruined everything.

No, Sandra, you ruined everything.

You ruined everything.

Had you told me what you were planning this evening,

maybe I could have helped you with your little date

with Lindor. - Lindor?

Oh-oh-oh, it's too late to play dumb.

Your mother's smart. I know everything.

Oh, oh, you know everything, do you?

- Mm-hmm. - Tell me what you know.

I know that you were on the phone with Lindor

planning your little romantic evening.

I was on the phone with Linda, Mom. Linda.

Who is Linda?

She's the event planner that dropped all this stuff off.

She's who I've been texting.

She just left.

Lindor has nothing to do with this.

You don't go through this kind of trouble

to set up a romantic date night for nobody.

It's not my date, Mom, it's yours.

Me?

I set all this up for you and Dad.

That's why I was keeping it a secret from you both.

Ah-ha!

Caught you in the act! - Jeremy, wait.

Yeah, where is he? Where is L. Debarge?

I don't know, at his house.

- Oh, you got jokes, huh? - Jeremy.

Uh, this beautiful romantic date night...

was set up for us.

Wait, what?

Look, Dad, you and Mom haven't had much time

to spend together, so I thought I'd just set up

a date night for you two.

You planned all of this for us?

Yes.

And I know you're mad at Philip.

I knew he didn't make the team.

He only tried out as a way to spend time with you, Dad.

- No. - He told me.

I think when he found out he didn't make the team

he didn't know how to tell you.

He didn't want you to be ashamed of him.

Ashamed of my son?

Son, I could never be ashamed of you.

You understand me?

Yeah, Dad.

Look, I'm sorry for pushing you, okay?

Alright, now from this point on, whatever it is

that you wanna do, I'm behind you 100%, okay?

Alright, come on, everybody.

We having a family date night.

- Really? - Let's go!

I want those chocolate-covered strawberries.

Yeah, you make sure y'all save some dessert for me.

Yeah, yeah, see, this is what you've been training for, Son.

Yeah, eye of the tiger, baby.

Yeah, oh, you got this. You got this.

Yeah, what you gonna do?

You ain't gonna do nothing. Huh-uh.

You can't handle him. You can't see him.

Mostly because you're farsighted.

I realize that this is a competition,

but, uh, hooligan trash talk doesn't work

in a civilized game of chess.

- Checkmate. - Ah!

Look like there's a new GOAT in town,

and it's my boy.

♪

♪

♪

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