Original subtitles

- Let me in, I'm freezing! - Oh, I can't wait.

Now, I can't breathe!

Okay, alright, let's get you under there.

Alright.

What's the patch do, exactly?

Makes me exactly 50% less nuts.

- Mm. - Keeps my vagina moist.

Do I not keep your vagina moist?

Aw, honey.

Nearly.

You can pull it off, if you like.

- Ooh. - It's done.

Yeah.

- Ow! - Ooh, sorry.

Just joking.

- Oh, God, I wouldn't bother. - I'll just get that.

- That stuff's there for life. - Oh, let me try.

Is it weird that I find that romantic?

No, there is no finer symptom of love

than the picking off of dried-in estrogen patch glue.

Lorcan's stupid leaving dinner.

- Okay. - I'll never truly be free.

But now I do know why you married him. Photoshop skills.

What's up?

She's just being so weird with me at the moment.

Is it 'cause you're slacking off?

What are you on about? I'm not slacking off.

- Sorry, I mean working from home. - No, I simply--

- Alex, we're both slacking off. - I get more done.

- It's fine. - She's pissed off with me for

selling a book.

Did you see the news? Jessie got a nomination

- at the Women's Lit Awards! - What the fudge?

And a bloody Lifetime Achievement Award for Charlotte, thanks to me.

- Got nominations for awards! - Hey, hey, hey!

Can you let Jessie know?

- What? - You in today, by any chance?

Last time I won anything was a year's supply of Tayto

when I was 12 in a hospital raffle.

Congratulations, darling. I'm so happy for you.

What the hell?

- Am I having it all right now? - Mm.

I mean, I have never had it all before.

Like, it's usually, like, having some.

Or none.

Having fuck-all?

I'm gonna make us celebratory teas and toasts.

- Yes! - Then, we are going to get up

and we are going to take this city!

Let's do it!

Oh shit.

Wait, wait, wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait! Oh.

Come on, what?

Oh, come on.

I should walk it.

- Yeah. - Get my steps in.

They're good for you.

What a day for it.

Let's get on to your failure to say no

- to a good time. - Oh, yes.

I got cocktail poisoning on a book tour in '89,

- which I think led to the first... - Morning.

...of my mini strokes.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Love your suit. - Thank you.

Morning.

- Congratulations! - Yay!

- Yay! - I know, right? Is Sam here?

Yes, she asked me to gather everyone soon

- for some champagne. - Oh.

Fun! But just briefly, though, Jessie Finlay called again.

And should I set a meeting? 'Cause she called

- a few times yesterday too. - Yeah, no, I'll do it.

Eeeeh!

Mum, Mum, get off me.

Oh, I just needed a quick hug. I didn't see you this morning.

- 'Cause you were still in bed. - I was catching up on reading

'cause I get more done at home.

How are you? Did you sleep okay?

Oh, I slept so well.

Sleep really is the foundation of everything, isn't it?

Mum, you're being weird. Just stop.

Alex?

- Hey, you! - Why are you smiling?

Why am I smiling?

I've just had Livid on the phone, absolutely frothing at the mouth

at Charlotte's podcast interview.

- Okay. - Apparently, she denied having a daughter?

I thought you were doing the record with her?

Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but then the, you know, the PR team just took over.

I'm actually pretty cross with them.

It's like, loop me in, guys, you know?

But, yeah. Don't let her overshadow

our incredible achievement, okay?

Have you called Jessie about her nomination?

Yes, I called Jessie.

My God.

"Fuck!"

It's important to take the time to celebrate.

We all deserve this.

We all worked to build a home where writers can grow

into award winners,

international bestsellers,

where they can expand into film.

We are currently cutting a deal for Baby Fingers.

- Whoop! - And-- What?

- Just, whoop. - Okay.

And I've always said I've had to work

twice as hard as anyone in this industry to get half as far, but here I am.

- For Alex Shaw. - Sometimes you have to sacrifice--

- Are they flowers for me? - Yeah.

- Oh, my God! - They're so huge!

Flowers for me!

- Oh, my God, I need a vase. - Alex, do you mind?

Oh, shit, sorry. Oh, my God.

- Carry on. - Yeah, so, you have to sacrifice a lot--

- Get me a vase. - And sometimes

- you barely recognize yourself... - Heavy.

...by the end of it, so it has to be...

worth it...

- So, yeah. - I couldn't find a vase. Will this do?

- Oh, really? - Enjoy your champagne.

- So, I'll buy some now. - Cheers.

Aww.

I was moved. And I think everyone found that to be-- Oh, okay.

Look at my flowers!

- Nice frock. - Sorry? What'd you say?

Just a nice frock.

Oh.

Thanks.

Oh, are we still on for drinks later?

- Yeah. - Great.

Nice britches.

How did you know I like flowers?

Did a little research on women.

I was thinking we should celebrate. I'll take you out.

- What, kill me? - Yeah.

Maybe just come and take a seat on the sofa.

I'll make it quick. You'll barely notice.

- Sound good? - Oh, I don't know.

- I've got a son. - Fair enough. I won't.

Where do you wanna go for lunch?

Oh, I don't know.

- Hi. - Alex.

Alex, sorry. Jessie Finlay's here.

- Oh, she's here? - Yeah.

- Oh, shit. Has she seen me? - I don't know.

- Quick, close the curtain! - Alex? Alex?

- Shit, she probably saw me. - Hello?

- Hi! - Hello?

Hi, I'll call you back.

- Jessie, I wasn't expecting-- - I think I got followed here.

- You-- what? Shit. - But I had to get out. I'm going mad.

Well, let's-- I sent you flowers. Did you get them?

I'm staying in a hotel, so no.

- Why did you send me flowers? - Why are you staying in a hotel?

- Well, because you were nominated... - Because there's a stalker

- freak outside my apartment. - ...for bloody Best Newcomer!

Congratulations!

Let's...

Shit.

Oh, let's...

Let's just...

take a seat somewhere more private.

Quickly.

That sounds terrible, that...

stalker freak outside your...

Did I say I think he followed me here?

Yeah. I think we need to involve the police

if someone's sitting outside your house.

You know I've been calling you.

Do you know, I don't know how I missed--

- How I missed that. - Can you stop checking your messages?

- No, I was-- - You know, you used to call me

first thing every day. It was a bit much.

You can't make someone depend on you like that

and then just fuck off.

- I'm sorry. I know. - There's so much going on.

And I can't cope right now, and it's--

- it's all your-- - My mum's not been well.

She's...

she has diabetes, and she got an infection from an amputation, so--

Oh, my God. What's been amputated?

- Her toe. - Oh.

Two toes.

- Oh. No, I'm sorry. - Yeah.

I didn't realize your mum was poorly.

I thought you were just being a flaky bitch.

- Yeah, no, I'm-- - Babe.

- Oh, it's-- yeah. - Aw.

Aww, flowers.

That's nice. At least you get celebrated.

Oh, yeah, they're for the nominations from...

They're just-- Do you want them?

Whenever you're ready to send over new pages, you know.

I have nothing yet, but.

Oh, yeah, no, well, no pressure at all. But look, I'll see you at the awards and--

Yeah.

You bring back that cafetiere in your own time.

- Yeah. - Okay.

And congratulations again!

Hey.

Sorry for interrupting your speech with my flowers.

- You gonna celebrate tonight? You should. - Yeah.

I'm gonna celebrate by going to bed at 8:30

once my husband's finished sitting in his feelings.

Oh, God, I thought you were pissed off with me.

You know, just walking around, smug bitch, "having it all."

- Having what? - It all.

You know, just the partner, the happy kid, the job.

- Well, the balance that's-- - Okay, I've left the chat.

Congratulations again!

- Hey. - Hi.

Is your mum annoyed with me?

She's normally messaging me all the time, has me in on all of her meetings.

I don't think so.

I mean, I think she's just happy.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I mean, I think she's happy.

I remember seeing her face look like that when I was about eight.

I mean, it's weird,

but she hasn't hassled me about anything in ages.

So, I think we should just enjoy it.

- Hmm. - Plum!

Oh, Freddie!

So glad you could make it.

Alright?

- Yeah, good. - Yeah?

Yeah, not too bad.

So yeah, I moved back to Liverpool.

It's where I went to university, and it's been great.

Are you working at another agency there?

No, not really. I'm sous-cheffing at Hooters.

Cool.

I worked in a bar for a while.

Hated it. Sticky floors, creepy men.

Well, Hooters is more of a family restaurant,

so we don't really get that.

There's creepy guys everywhere, though.

That Malcolm Goblin guy, he's a pervert.

- Is he? - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. - I remember when he dropped his book off,

I shook his hand, and then he smelt it afterwards,

- like straight away. - What? Why?

I had to get him into his car once when we repped him.

And he was drunk and, like, pretended to lose balance,

and he lent on me and, like, dangled his hand over my tit.

It was gross.

So...

Same again? On me?

Or on Hooters, should I say!

Sorry that happened to you.

You should tell, like, Sam or my mum

- or something. - No. No, he does it

in that way where it's hard to be sure

if it's offensive even when it's like happening to you.

So, yeah, don't really wanna make a fuss for nothing.

You deserve the fuss. I mean...

Sorry.

Why?

I'm older than you. Like in a position of power.

Well, my mum's your boss, so I think I have the power.

- I like that you're older. - Oh yeah?

'Cause older women know more about wine and what we want in bed?

Joking. I know fuck-all about wine.

Oi.

I forgot I haven't been paid yet.

Right.

Having good sex is the man's responsibility.

You have to make sure that you can maintain your erection.

You have to be able to navigate multiple things

at the same time with your fingers,

with your tongue, with your hands,

and with your guy downstairs.

- Oh! - Don't leave me here.

I'm taking you to Paris for lunch.

Nope. Can't have it all if you're floozing around Paris.

Mwah.

Shit.

Oh, shit, I really have to go.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Brussels?

It's not enough just to be hard.

You owe it to your woman to be 30% harder!

- What the hell are you listening to? - Mum!

- Stop. - What...

Men have never interested me beyond sexual relations,

because they've never understood me, darling.

And is it fair to say that your career has affected your family life, too?

Well, my mother died when I was very young.

And my father was a malignant boil of a man,

so I suppose in many ways...

My books are my only family now. My parents, my children.

My mother should be supervised,

like a brainsick toddler by a pool!

The very least, you could have warned me that she was going to deny me thrice!

Yeah. Yeah. Was it thrice?

- Okay, yeah. - The care of my mother falls to me alone.

All day long and during the hours of darkness.

- Senility doesn't keep a diary. - I can see you're upset, and I--

Of course, I'm bloody upset!

I do more for that woman than you will ever know,

and yet I get written out of existence.

- Well look, I-- - Look, I want a press release.

Okay, I think it's gonna be hard to get traction on that.

Well, I play bridge with the subeditor of the Telegraph, so.

Oh, no, I'm not convinced it's the right route.

Look, I...

I see all that you do for your mum.

And I see it go unappreciated.

The thing is, she's never gonna see it.

So, maybe you need to stop expecting her to.

Maybe it's time you start making yourself happy.

Yeah?

Okay.

This was good, wasn't it?

Did you find it helpful? I'm glad we did this.

- What? - Nothing.

No, just good day.

Oh, I'm gonna go and see Nana and Granddad tomorrow.

- Do you wanna come? It's been a while. - No. No.

- Is that okay? - I don't know.

I mean, they're not gonna be alive much longer,

- and then you'll feel-- - Well, Plum asked me for a drink, so.

Oh, I didn't know you two were an item.

We're, like, talking.

You're talking? That's modern.

You know, it's your dad's leaving dinner in the evening.

- Why'd no one tell me? - I put it in the shared calendar.

- Where's the shared calendar? - In your phone!

Oh, Mum, I've never used that in my entire life!

Fuck's sake.

Wow.

- Older woman. - She's 21, Mum.

Yeah, but she's a woman, you know.

She knows what she wants and how to get it.

Do you feel amazing? Oh!

You're gonna feel amazing, you know? Gonna be the making of you.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm chuffed at the moment.

- Tesco's? - Huh?

Nothing. I've gotta go. I'll see you later.

Where are you-- What?

Ruari!

If you're going to Tesco's, get me eggs!

- Hey. - Hey.

- Ah. - Hello, Patrick.

- Where's... - Delly's changing what's-her-name.

Oh, Maude, Dad.

You remember Patrick?

- Hey, Wally. How are you? - Ah, Maude.

Oh. Lovely baby.

First grandson is so special, eh?

Ruari, Wally.

Ruari is the grandson.

Yes, I know.

Hey! There she is.

- Hi. - How are ya, boy?

- Alright, stranger. - Aw.

So, you got out of bed then?

Hey, come here. Has...

Has Dad gotten a bit worse?

Mum looks upset.

Yeah, well, he asked me if I'd had a busy day

about five times.

I'm like, yeah, busy answering this fucking question again.

Hey.

- Oh, hi. - Oh, hello, Maudey.

- Let's see what you've got then. - Oh, you're a heavy wee one.

- What are you feeding her? - Just your regular tit milk.

Oh, okay. Do you wanna go and see some ducks?

Yeah. She likes ducks.

- Alright. - She also likes duck shit,

- so keep an eye. - Okay.

Hey, come on you. Let's go.

Hi, Mum.

- He's great, isn't he? - Yeah.

He's so chill.

Nothing fazes him.

Does he have children, Alex?

No, he decided it wasn't for him.

He looks lovely with a baby.

He should take his shirt off.

Sorry. It's been a while.

Your dad looks old next to him.

Jesus, where does the time go?

Sure it's ourselves who spend it, girls, so spend it wisely.

Yeah, I've been thinking the same.

Patrick and I wanna go to Paris.

Oh, hm, yeah. When?

Just 'cause, you know, the both of us really need to be around

when Mum gets back on her feet, 'cause she can't rely on Dad anymore.

- Oh, well, no. - Yeah, no, I just--

- I hadn't realized, I mean-- - Well, if you were present

at all, you might have.

Delly! I am a single parent with--

What the fuck do you think that is?

- What the hell? Will you just calm down... - Stop it now.

...instead of jumping down my...

Christ, that girl needs a shag.

Everyone, I just wanna mark this occasion.

Thank you.

You know, it's funny, when I was just starting out,

I wrote myself a check for one million pounds.

That, my friends, is called manifesting.

You're getting paid a million pounds?

That is an exorbitant amount of money.

- What the hell? - Well, no.

Dinner is on the Lorcan-Meister.

- Are you joking?! - I'm not getting paid a million pounds.

- Oh. - But he is getting paid a lot.

Yeah.

Anyway, the last thing I thought to ask for

was to be whisked off to space for the gig of a lifetime

with my soulmate.

But it happened.

So, here's to my last night on Earth.

And enjoy! Cheers.

Cheers.

Whatever you just said, mate,

- good luck to you. - Thanks, Frankie.

Oh, that's a lovely drop.

It's water, Frank. We've all had it.

I don't wanna get all drippy with you,

but, ah, it seems like only yesterday when you were knee-high, doing all those

- self-tape auditions with me. - Yeah.

Look how they've paid off.

Moussaka.

- Moussaka. - Oh, me too? Great.

Moussaka.

- Oh, yeah. - Sorry, what?

- Moussaka. - I haven't even

seen a menu yet, I didn't--

- Moussaka. - Thank you.

I ordered for the table.

- I thought, keep it simple. - And Moussaka.

And who doesn't like Moussaka?

And, you know, I think you two are really good together.

- Just wanted to say. - Thank you.

Do you have a glass with a thinner stem?

I'll take it.

It's okay. Just engage your sphincter.

Thank God you're here.

Can I get a lovely sparkling water, please?

- Okay. - Frankie, no?

Di-di-di-- ah.

How is recovery going?

Oh, it's going great. Yeah. Therapy's mwah. Do you do it?

I love a bit of therapy. I need it.

You know, it's been two and a half months now.

Yeah?

- Yeah. - Oh, listen.

It's the best thing I've ever done.

Yeah, we've entered the "what's toxic in my life?" stage.

Yeah, you know. So far, I've blacklisted

plastic utensils, blue lights, mother.

Crikey, what's next?

Why is this happening at this stage of my life?

Now, every time he goes to therapy,

I'll think, this is the one where they decide

I'm next for the chop, that I'm the problem.

Well look, you can't control that, can you?

What if she makes him think it's our relationship

- that's toxic? - Why, do you think it is?

No, Alex, I don't.

Tell you what is toxic.

Anyone that uses the word "soulmate."

I know. Fucking soulmate, my hole, mate.

Theresa was literally the first woman he met...

after me.

Seriously, she was--

she was his landlady when he moved out of our house.

Literally the first woman he interacted with.

No, I lie, the girl who sold him his cardboard boxes

to pack his stupid shit into.

That was the first...

Heeeyyy!

She didn't wash her hands.

So, how do you prepare for a character such as the one you're about to embark on?

Well, it just becomes your life.

Is it a method? Are you method?

It's just everything.

I mean, this one's based on a video game, so...

It's not something I really feel comfortable talking about.

Oh, ladies.

- Oh, ladies are back. - Absolutely.

- Oh, God. - Gonna-- yeah.

I'd like to say something.

Ah.

My heartbeat.

It's remarkable how one door closing-- a marriage ending--

can make way for such abundance and beauty.

This is everything we deserve, and I'm so excited for our future.

Especially because, and I know Lorcan won't mind me saying this.

- Saying what? - He has recently

reversed his vasectomy.

So, Alex, you really don't need to worry about how I'll fill my time anymore,

- because I'm gonna be having a baby, okay? - Thanks, babe.

- Thanks. - Okay.

Are you joking me?

You're having another kid?

- Yes, we are. - Well...

You've a perfectly good teenager sat at home.

- It's fine, Mum. - No, it's not fine.

He's been phoning it in for years.

- Oh, come on, Alex. - No, you are a subpar dad.

You are father-ish at best,

and now you're gonna go again? Why?

'Cause you wanna get it right this time?

Well, good luck playing horsey on those crumbling knees.

Oh, that's a bit harsh.

- Oh, that's harsh? - Alex, Alex.

I'm gonna go now, if that's alright.

You happy now?

You've embarrassed him.

No, she hasn't.

She never embarrasses me.

Got plans.

You don't have to be all weird and quiet.

It's fine. Have fun in Toronto, Dad.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy. I mean that.

Yeah, well, I'll see you in a few weeks.

I'm contracted for eight months, bud, so...

Yeah, but hasn't worked out before.

So, see ya.

Just to play devil's advocate, I, for one, am happy for you.

- Thanks, Frank. - What does that mean?

- What does what mean? - That it hasn't worked out before.

- What hasn't worked out before? - Ah, you know, pilots,

stuff like that, just doesn't get picked up.

Oh, it's 9:00 p.m. Bedtime for Frank.

- Just stop with the digs. - Help.

I'm redundant. I've lost my job managing Frank.

You know what? You stay here.

- I'm getting a cab. - It's not likely.

You know I've sold my house.

My health's a mess, so stay here.

I'm confident it'll work out.

- Oh. - Sorry.

Sorry, just one sec.

I've got...

bus hands. I just--

- Yeah. - I'm just gonna wash them quick.

- I'll just be a sec. - Okay.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Fuck.

Sorry, Plum, but I've got...

Plum?

Shit.

I wanted him to have a vasectomy when we were--

when we were together, but he actually thought

it meant he'd lose his balls.

I have to have a piss. I'm so sorry.

- Okay. - Beer, wine, soup?

- Tea? - Tea.

Help yourself, and don't look in the sink.

Okay.

I can't stop thinking about Sam and Frank.

- I know! - Like, how did they go

from being the happiest couple in the room to that?

I wouldn't call them the happiest couple in the room.

I always got more of a whiff of murder-suicide off 'em.

Patrick!

No?

No.

Can we make a pact to just not end up like that?

And to never stop having oral sex.

To never stop having oral sex?

Never stop?

I mean, it sounds great, but I've got ambitions.

I'm willing to give it a go.

Maybe we could set a world record, or something, you know?

But I might have to do some special exercises

or, I don't know, change my diet?

I'd definitely have to change my job, 'cause I don't think

I can fit it all in, you know. But either way,

I promise to still be going down on you when you're 90.

Alex?