Original subtitles

Ha, man, look at Lindor bitin' on his fingernails.

Man, it's a damn shame what these young folks will do

to try and fit into a pair of skinny jeans, man.

I bite my fingers when I'm nervous.

Yeah, I'd be nervous, too if I had to walk around

in them tight-ass jeans.

One false move and all your balloons are gonna pop.

Pow! Just like that.

Actually Lindor goes to court tomorrow to face

that spurious assault charge.

Oh, man, court ain't nothin'.

I been to court so many times,

the judge just give me the usual.

And what crime did you commit?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, partner, whoa, player's handbook,

verse five, chapter two.

Real G's don't talk about that life,

we be about that life, gangster.

Okay, I only went to court one time

when I was busted for jaywalking.

Jaywalking? That's it? Real G, huh?

It was during the traffic jam.

Don't worry, Lindor, you'll be fine.

Our 6th Amendment guarantees us a right to a fair trial.

Define "us".

Here you go again, soundin' like my son.

You were in this very facility at the exact moment

that the assault was perpetrated across town.

There's no way that you could be guilty.

Okay, exactly. So why am I being charged?

And if the charges against me are unfair,

what makes you think the trial will be?

Whoa, man, sounds like you about to run.

Man, look, I know a dude who knows a dude, right?

Who can give you a whole new identity, right?

Now, the problem is he's low on inventory,

so you gonna have to spend the rest of your natural life

as a Caucasian woman named Karen.

Ah, the boy ain't gonna run, Vincent.

Don't be ridiculous.

That's a good idea 'cause the other day I saw a dude try to

run across the parking lot in a pair of skinny jeans,

but he couldn't bend his knees, so he was hoppin'

like he had two peg legs.

I'ma go meet my lawyer.

Wish me luck.

The best of luck.

Now uh, what law firm have you retained?

Is that Pruitt and White or Mitchell and Webb?

Uh, oh, public and defender. Come on, man, I'm not rich.

I can't afford a hotshot attorney to get me off.

Wish me luck.

Oh, hey, Lindor.

Oh, hey, Green Apple.

Oh, Lord, my prayers have been answered.

Thank you, Jesus!

What? Your face transplant surgery got approved?

No, that suitcase means you'll be leavin' town for good

like I've been prayin'. Right?

Wrong. This suitcase means that my place is being renovated

and I'ma have to stay the night here at Pleasant Days.

Man, Brown, you like an old curly, nasty hair

stuck on a bar of soap. No matter how hard I try,

I just can't get rid of you, man.

Doggit, I forgot my bath kit.

I'ma just use yours.

What? Hey, don't you put your hands on my damn washcloth.

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Hey, uh, Reggie, you seen Efe?

No, why?

Well, his door's locked and I left my lotion.

I need to get some of his.

You know he got that good-smellin' lotion.

Boy you can't just wander into our room

and borrow our personal effects. Who raised you?

Melba S. Brown, that's who.

And I seen why you became a judge.

- And why is that? - Cause you so judgery.

I'll find Efe myself.

I don't need nothin' from you.

Your attitude.

You're wearing my robe. How dare you!

Ah, young Lindor, how did the meeting go with your lawyer?

The prosecution offered me a deal.

Um, if I plead guilty, I get six months.

If I fight it and lose, I get three years.

So my lawyer wants me to take it.

Lindor, I strongly encourage you to have faith in the system.

All due respect, Mr. Juney,

the system is stacked up against Black folks.

How the hell don't you know that?

That's the same falling out I had with my son.

It's like talking to my son all over again through you.

Okay, let me ask you this.

If the system isn't biased, why are African-American youth

more likely to be tried as adults?

- I don't know. - Exactly.

More likely to be handed longer sentences.

More likely to be places in locked facilities

even when charged with the same offenses as white offenders.

These are just the facts.

I wasn't a racist judge. My colleagues weren't racist.

Look, I'm not sayin' judges walk around in white hoods

or nothin' like that.

All I'm sayin' is a lot of them come from backgrounds where

they've never spent any time around people who look like me.

And why should that matter?

Lady Justice has on a blindfold for a reason.

You know, maybe if I looked more like their sons,

they might give me the benefit of the doubt,

have empathy, just see me as a young man with hopes and dreams,

and feelings.

But because you don't, the media stereotypes kick in

and they view you as some kind of threat.

Even if I'm innocent,

I don't trust the system with my life.

I can't do three years.

So your mind is made up?

You know, I don't think I have much of a choice.

Oh, girl.

You watch soap operas, Mr. Brown?

Okay, you're not gonna sit here

and insult my intelligiability. There's too many fake plot lines

on there for me to be watching that foolishness.

Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure it's the same thing.

Nah-uh-nah, that's Jerry Lou right there.

She got amnesia. She don't remember

that her husband is blackmailing his twin,

which stole they baby, which is really his daddy.

I got it. I mean, can you please just record this

'cause I usually watch the news around this time.

That sound like a personal problem to me.

All right, you know what? Fine. I'll be back in like

20 minutes when this go off?

Nah-uh, 'cause after this the Bold and the Restless Turns

come on and I got the remote.

So don't hate the player, hate the game.

Yo, you the worst house guest ever.

When you leavin'?

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- Mr. Brown. - Oh.

- Mr. Brown. - Uh, yes?

How are you enjoying your stay thus far?

I'm enjoying my stay thus far good.

Some people just need to go to manners school.

- Like whom? - Like the people who act like

they don't see I'm tryin' to watch my stories.

- I'll never! - Well, you should.

Please go to manners school.

- I can't believe it. - Neither can I.

A creature who stands upright exhibiting such

poor home training.

No. The oxtail soup

that I had been looking forward to eating all day

disappeared from the refrigerator. Oi...

Brown! That is my soup.

You are a soup thief!

Okay, Efe, Efe, let me ask you something.

Do you own your own body? - Yes, now, wh-wh-what-

Own your stomach that's in your body?

- Certainly. - Well, I own the house.

I own the refrigerator. And I own everything in it.

You stick with me, you're gonna go somewhere.

Nothing.

Ah, new phone, who this?

Y'all heard me.

He's the most annoying, rude and inconsiderate house guest

on planet Earth. I don't think I can take this.

No, no, no, one night is just 12 short hours.

And then we will wash our hands of him.

- Let's wash the sofa, too. - I got good news.

Your contractor finished early

and you'll be leaving immediately?

No, it's a material shortage.

I'ma be stayin' the rest of the week.

Efe, I don't think I brought enough clothes.

What size boxers you wear?

In my culture, we don't share drawers!

Mr. Washington?

Philip? Sandra?

Hey, Judge Juney.

I just wanted to come say good-bye to everybody

before I plead guilty tomorrow.

Before you go, I uh, I just wanted to tell you

that you are right.

And my son was right.

Although, I firmly believe that if our people commit crimes,

they should face justice just like anybody else.

But certain aspects of our legal system

are indeed biased and warrant reform.

What made you see the light?

You did. And your public defender.

I mean, he's a smart guy. I know he means well, but um...

If I were your attorney, there's no way that I would have

encouraged you to take that plea deal.

Well, too bad you weren't my lawyer.

Call him right now.

My, my lawyer? Why?

Tell him... you have new representation.

I do?

I'm gonna come out of retirement

and defend you myself.

- Mr. Juney, that's incredible. - My back, my back, my back.

- Sorry, sorry. - Okay. Okay.

That's amazing, but what about the-

No, no buts. Go home, get some rest.

Come meet me here tomorrow morning

and I'm going to get busy building our case

as soon as I get some ibuprofen.

Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you. See you tomorrow.

Why is it so cold in here?

Who put a padlock on the fridge?

Efe did, because he's tired of Brown eating all of his food.

But the question I have for you is

why does it feel like Alaska in here?

I'm so cold, my gray roots are freezing.

I don't know. Maybe the thermostat is busted.

Let me go look at it.

Oh, while you check that out,

see what Brown has done to the living room.

What in the world?

I can't believe Mr. Brown turned the living room

into his own personal bedroom.

Since he's staying a full week.

- Mr. Brown. - What?

- What is on your face? - What is on your face?

This is my motto, RMMM-- Real Men Mud Mask.

I do that to keep my skin cleansed

so I can keep my youthful look.

You of all people should be having this on.

You need extra strength.

- Me? - Yes, you.

- For what? - Look at you.

Whoever said black don't crack ain't never seen you.

Boy, by the time you get my age your face is gonna look like a

road map of east Atlanta. You look old.

Do you take something to look that old?

If I look old right now

it's because you're stressing me out, okay?

You must be real stressed 'cause you look real old.

Well, I'm real stressed. I am. You know why?

'Cause you're going around here, you eating everybody's food.

You're hoggin' the TV.

And you're walkin' around in a robe

with these stupid slippers on. - They ain't stupid.

Look, enough with the bickering.

Are you going to adjust the thermostat or not?

I'm so cold my dentures won't stop chattering.

So why don't you take 'em out and bite yourself?

Hey.

You know what? That's it. I'm turning on the heat.

Uh-huh, don't you touch that thermostat.

I keep it that low 'cause I got a medical condition.

What medical condition?

I got uh, sweatafootilitis.

- Sweatafootillitis? - Yes.

That is not a condition.

That's something you just made up

'cause you got sweaty, stinky feet.

Okay, I got sweaty, stinky feet. I admit it.

Now you happy I done said that?

You lookin' old, you wanna make me feel old.

All right, look, listen.

Listen, everybody just, just calm down, please.

Let's talk like adults. Can we do that for once?

Can you sit down? - Yes.

Mr. Brown, why didn't you just use one of the extra bedrooms?

Why camp out here?

'Cause those bedrooms the TV is too little.

I wanted to look at a big-screen TV.

Big-screen TVs do not belong in bedrooms.

Well, where do they belong?

Mr. Brown, we need to talk to you

about you staying here at the facility.

So can you please be serious for, like, two seconds?

- Okay. - Is that possible?

- That's possible. - All right.

It is, all things are possible if you believe.

Okay, so this is what...

- What? - Mr. Brown.

They wanted to see, too.

Cora bought me these.

These are, they called crab slippers.

- Those are lobsters. - Well, they lepers.

Look, you part owner here, right?

- Yes. - We know that,

so I can't throw you out.

But can you please, please stop being so annoying?

Hmm, David's brother saw a shepherd, but God saw a king.

And I see a grown man wearing lobster slippers

with mud all over his face

making my life a frozen nightmare.

That's 'cause you ain't got no anointing.

That's what's wrong with you?

If you had anointing, you would see I'm a king.

Now all this hateration is making me hangry.

I'm going to find Efe so I can get the combination

and open the refrigerator.

We must find a way to get him to leave.

You know what?

It's only one person that know how to handle Mr. Brown.

Great idea. I'll put in the call.

So according to your cell phone data,

your GPS location

proves that you were indeed in this building

at the time of the assault. - That's great.

So to further strengthen our case,

we need to get a witness

to testify that you were indeed here.

Oh, a lot of the residents saw me that day.

That should be easy.

Yes, but witnesses are like potato salad.

Not all of them are good.

So we need to have witness tryouts.

All right.

Please raise your right hand.

Your left is the one that makes the L,

kindly raise the other one.

Yeah, so, you know when I get nervous,

my memory and everything get nervous, too.

- You're bad. - Yeah, bad.

Oh, you're good at this.

Well, just relax and sit down.

And tell us what you remember about the afternoon of June 3rd.

I remember I was getting ready for July 4th.

No. We need to you to specifically

tell us what happened on June the 3rd.

Well, I was trying to go down the street

and why you drilling me? I'm not the one on trial.

This witness is dismissed.

Well, you ain't go to dismiss me from nowhere.

I been kicked out of better places

while you trying to be condescrewing to me.

- Proceed. - It's called action, darling.

I am Anastasia Chanel Devereaux.

You may recognize me from many of my famous roles,

Black Belt Johnson, ah!

Cleopatra... Jenkins.

Ms. Anastasia!

And the woman who slid past Leo

off the deck into the ocean

when the Titanic sank.

Remember?

No, but that's irrelevant. If you would please sit down

and tell us what you remember

about the afternoon of June the 3rd?

No, go back. Now just picture me in a corset dress

with a big, fancy hat.

- Ah, no further questions. - Do you remember now?

Vincent, can you tell us about the afternoon of June the 3rd?

- Yes, I can. - Wonderful.

Now can you tell us who else was at the facility with you?

No, I can't.

No? Why not?

Because snitches get stitches, partner!

What set you from?

How you gonna come at me like that?

Yay, yay.

No further questions.

Jeremy, are you willing to testify to the fact

that Lindor was here at the facility

when the police claim he assaulted someone?

- Oh, absolutely. - Splendid, come with us.

Thank you so much, Mr. Washington.

Thank you so much.

- Efe, you in my bed. - Huh?

Why are you chewin' that gum like that?

What? Why are-

Now what's the matter with chewing gum?

Ever since I was a little Brown,

I didn't like when people would chew gum

and just like chew that one piece of rubber,

swallow all that spit. That's nasty.

- Sorry, it is a fresh piece. - That's nasty.

Stop chewin'! Stop smackin' that gum!

Hello, boys. I'm trying out some new perfume.

What do you think? - Mm, smells lovely.

Is that Fanel number nine?

That stuff right... I'm allergic to that.

And why you sprayin' so much? I bet you Efe's folk

can smell that in the motherland.

A woman is supposed to spritz all of her erogenous zones.

Erroge-what?

An erogenous zone is an area of the body

that's particularly sensitive to stimulation.

And it's a source of pleasure.

You mean you still got some erroge left?

You think that's freaky, this is just my top half, honey.

Wait until I go south of the equator.

I bet you that's gonna be hot.

Brown, Brown, Brown, I've been lookin' for you, man.

Look, I got a bunion that I need you to look at.

Uh-huh, I can't stand to look at stuff oozing out of nobody.

It make me--

No, no, no. It's red and it's full of pus.

And I just need you to take two thumbs and pop it.

That's all you gotta do. I got bunion butt.

Brown, look at it, man. Take a look at it.

Bunion butt? That's nasty.

Somebody call 911. Get me outta here.

- So you want to go? - Yes, y'all the most

inconsiderate, annoying roommates

I ever seen in my life.

It's like all my pet peeves in human form.

Well, in that case, be our guest.

I'm goin' to stay with Cora.

She don't let me eat bacon, but I'll sacrifice for that.

Good-bye.

Hey Cora, thank you so much

for giving us the intel on what drives Brown crazy.

Yes, hallelujah, he's on his way to you.

Boom, boom, boom.

- Long day. - Quite a day, quite a day.

Oh, no.

Only the two of you made it back from the court?

Which means you lost the case

and the sergeant at arms just carted away Lindor to prison?

No, it means Lindor's on the porch texting somebody.

Thank heavens!

Justice was served! Oh.

Yeah, I mean, thank heavens and thank Judge Juney.

I mean, the jury took like two minutes to decide.

Total vindication. - Wonderful.

So you are texting everybody the good news?

Not everyone. Just Reginald's son.

- My son? - Yeah,

I secretly got his number from your phone on the way home.

Why would you do such a thing?

So I can brag about how you saved the day.

And even mentioned the bias' in the judicial system

in your final argument.

Oh, I see.

So uh, what did he uh, say?

I think your phone's vibrating, you should pick up.

Hello?

Son...?

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