Original subtitles

New York City.

Once upon a time, I could exit the front door of my apartment building, hoof it

to Second Avenue, and find myself at Elaine's restaurant, where I'd make a

beeline for a certain well-known publicist. Back wall, corner table.

He'd slip me an item for the column between bites of squid salad.

That was back when New York had glamour and secrets.

Now glamour has gone the way of the dodo.

Everything's out in the open, warts and all, right there on your screens.

Internet accounts like the anonymous Pop Lunatic, where the latte order of a tick

-tacky, oh, whoops, I mean TikTok star, is what passes for news.

Snoozeworthy! Oh, sure, they post real stories now and then, but is it worth

the endless scroll?

Boy, are my thumbs tired.

No, dear readers, gossip ain't what it used to be.

But who am I to say?

Hello? Betty, it's Otis. We need to talk.

Well, make it snappy. I'm on my way to a luncheon. Trust me, you're going to want

to hear this in person now.

That juicy, huh?

Well, where are you? We'll take you up on the way. The usual spot.

Don't keep me waiting.

Slight detour. Maurice!

There's the golden boy.

Okay, what do you got for me? I'll warn you.

Tomorrow's column is pretty full.

What?

Okay. Maurice, would you mind just stepping out for a moment, please?

Oh, well, this had better be good. If it's about your husband's pop-up again,

I'll have Maurice here throw you into traffic. And you know he will, because

he's ex-military. It's not about Harry.

It's about you.

Me?

Please.

What's left to say?

Betty.

I know your secret.

What? Why didn't I have the clue?

Look, be reasonable.

I've always kept your secret. Have you?

From now on, you will print whatever I tell you to. When I call, you will

answer. I don't hear any excuses about such and such not being a fit for your

column. Make space.

And maybe, just maybe...

I'll keep you a little secret to myself.

I'd say blackmail was beneath you, but I think we both know better.

Your whole career, all your power is based on knowing other people's secrets.

Well, now I know yours.

You will do what I say.

You will put out what I tell you to.

Or I will ruin you.

Everything okay, boss?

It will be.

Yeah, uh, I'd say I'm pretty fearless.

I mean, I did all my own stunts for the movie.

That's incredible.

I saw on the poster you're, like, hanging off of a cliff, right?

I have to imagine if you're not afraid of that, you're not afraid of anything.

Oh, my God. No, Lorena, Lorena, no, get back in prison. Oh, my God.

Isn't that awful?

I should be used to it by now. He thinks it's funny to scare celebrities using my

face. Why does he have to pick on you?

I'm an easy mark.

After what the press has done to me, who's going to defend Lorena Marchuk?

Well, I think it's time the world hears what you think of this abuse.

The world doesn't care what I think. Sure they do. I'm a villain.

As if I'm the first person to ever have legal troubles.

Oh, better.

Switch with me. This couch is killing my back.

Didn't help that you're masseuse self-deported. Well, I will always take

your side. You've always been my dearest friend. Well, you're a good friend to

me. Hey, while you're up, why don't you go and get something a little stronger

than tea? What do you think, huh?

Absolutely.

I always felt you held a grudge.

A grudge? For what?

Augusto flirting with me at Henry's barbecue in Litchfield.

When you and Augusto had that thing going.

That was 1979.

It was ancient history. Who can remember these things?

I've got to dash.

Oh? I have a deadline.

I got to watch my program.

Right. Well, chin up, Lorraine.

And I think it's high time you stood up to that Otis Langley.

As ladies, sometimes we have to handle these things ourselves.

Jeez.

Eddie? You scared me. What are you wearing?

Let's chat.

All right.

Better make it snappy, as you like to say.

I'm needed back on set.

What's with the getup? Is this for your column or are you stealing my act?

Actually, I'm glad that you're here.

I was five and he was six. We rode on horses made of sticks.

He wore black and I wore white.

He would always win the fight. Bang bang, he knocked me down. Bang bang, I

hit the ground. Nobody tells Betty Hamer what to print.

Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Victim is Otis Langley, daytime talk show host and empresario. We're

notifying his husband now.

We found a showcasing.

No firearm.

Powder residue on the body suggests a deliberate shot at close range.

Probably a pistol.

It's brutal.

He seemed like such a nice guy on his show.

Oh, gosh, sorry.

I agree with Officer Hackett. Who would want to kill this guy?

He was so nice.

Or maybe he just wanted famous people to like him.

Ooh, his cell phone might have answers.

Uh-oh.

Two phones.

Huh.

Never a good sign.

Can I help you? The cops told me to come speak with the detective.

That's me. What is it? I saw a lady go into Mr. Langley's trailer this

afternoon. Who are you? I'm a production assistant.

Did you know who it was? No.

But I saw she had, like, a crazy face and a thing on her head. You mean a hat?

No, a thing.

And her face was so crazy.

Like this?

Yeah, actually.

Really?

That's who you saw?

Lorena Marchuk?

I think so. The infamous real estate widow.

That's who this is.

Didn't she go to prison?

Were they arguing?

I don't know. I was in a rush. But I think he let her in.

All right, thank you.

So, aging?

Infamous socialite Lorena Marchuk walks up to Otis's trailer, broad daylight,

climbs up these stairs, knocked on his door. He lets her in

and then he shoots him.

It's possible. In the 90s, Lorena was known as the Medusa of Madison Avenue.

Yeah, and it's a running prank on Otis's show that someone jumps out and scares

celebrities while wearing that mask.

That's kind of funny.

Maybe not to her.

Don't touch that vase.

It costs more than your life savings.

So, Otis Langley is dead.

What has that got to do with me?

You were seen going into his trailer today.

Me? We hear there's bad blood between you two. You bet there is, that bastard.

So, did you visit Mr. Langley in his trailer this afternoon?

No, I was here.

You, get up.

I was in bed watching my favorite show. Oh, was it Ninja Warrior?

I love that one.

The Young and the Restless with a glass of wine.

Just wine?

That's none of your business.

Can anyone confirm your story? Any staff or... I'm between staff at the moment,

but I'm always here. I don't get out a lot.

Not like I used to.

Is that because of Otis Langley and his cruel jokes at your expense?

Oh, may I sit?

Yes, you may. Thanks.

And cruel is exactly the word for Otis Langley. I should be used to it by now,

but the media has never been kind to me.

Had you been in touch with Mr. Langley? What? I should reach out to him? He

should have called me to apologize.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but there seems to be...

Something... Oh, my.

What is that?

A pistol.

Oh, Lorena, not again.

Defend me, Betty.

Oh, you know I will.

Are you her attorney?

Excuse me? She said defend me.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm a lawyer, too, but I'm with the police.

Well, sort of. I'm not a lawyer.

I'm a columnist. At the New York View!

Oh, you're Betty Haymouth.

I recognize you from the, um... Oh, my son works with you. Do you know Teddy

Tassioni? He's a fact checker. I don't need those.

Oh. Well, he's... Elizabeth.

Oh.

Oh, sorry. That's me.

Nice to meet you, Betty Heyman. Uh-huh.

Lorena, don't tell them a thing, dear.

Oh, what a nightmare.

You got any packages for me?

Ah, you've seen the new Cafe Pro 6000.

Nice, right?

Here, I'll give you a tutorial.

Where did it come from?

The department found money in the discretionary budget.

Each color is a different variety.

Green is decaf, so you want to avoid those.

I don't like the smell of it.

Really? It should have notes of cinnamon and bay leaf.

No, the machine.

Plus... They repaired the squeaky radiator in my office, repainted the

stairwell, and I could swear the Wi-Fi is faster.

Yes, IT upgraded it last week.

What game is he playing?

Who? Tully.

You think Commissioner Tully's the reason they're approving our requests?

One minute he's humiliated in a poker game, the next we have this.

It must be a part of his payback plan.

The plan in which he...

provides the precinct with sorely needed upgrades dastardly.

Trust me, there's never what it seems with that guy.

Captain Wagner, get ready. I have major tea.

Those pods make tea, too?

It's slang. It means she has gossip. Are you not on Instagram?

Otis Langley was pop lunatic.

No! Yes!

I'm just kidding. What the hell is that?

Pop Lunatic is this anonymous social media account.

People send messages to it when they have celebrity gossip, sightings, blind

items, and they reshare the juiciest stuff.

I can't believe you don't follow.

So Otis had two phones on him when he died, and it turns out one of them was a

burner logged into the Pop Lunatic account.

There was nothing else on the phone, and it was encrypted with a VPN.

People are going to freak when they find out it was him.

So you think running a secret account has something to do with his murder?

Maybe. Several celebs were trying to sue the account for libel, but Otis also

managed to piss off at least one person under his own name.

Lorena Marchuk. And she's already got a criminal record.

Wasn't that white collar?

Housing discrimination.

Elspeth, I didn't see you there.

Betty Hameth got an interview with her from prison. According to Betty, it was

Lorena's... Second arrest that really made her infamous, she punched a

Bergdorf saleswoman.

Yeah, I think that's when Otis started using her face as a jump scare.

Plus, ballistics matched the gun we found at Lorena's with the shell casing

from the crime scene, a 1970s Soviet-made service sidearm.

Lorena's late husband was from Belarus.

We think it was his.

Betty doesn't. Excuse me? Betty Heyman.

She thinks Lorena was innocent.

Why? Hard to say, actually. She included a lot of details that made her seem

guilty. Maybe because she is guilty.

I don't know. I think I'm team Betty.

Are you?

I just don't understand why Lorena would let me sit on a loaded gun if she knew

it was there. What did I ever do to her?

Maybe she got drunk and forgot where she stashed it. Or maybe she didn't put it

there. Also, if Otis was making fun of her for years, why did she suddenly

decide to shoot him yesterday?

These are all fine questions.

Unfortunately, Lorraine is lawyered up. She's not taking any questions.

Well, then.

Maybe we should go talk to someone whose questions she is taking.

Ms. Marchak lives a few floors up? Yes, she's on the 16th floor.

Better view, longer elevator ride.

Did you really meet Mick Jagger?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

First time I met Mick, I was using the pay phone at Studio 54, and I was

dictating my column. And he came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder. He said

he needed to use the phone. My guess, he wanted to call his drug dealer.

I told him to buzz off.

Betty Hamerth has never missed her filing deadline.

Not once.

You and Ms. Marchuk are close?

Oh, my God. You met James Brown?

Yeah, yeah, I did.

Lorena is...

Well, she... Oh, my God, Anne? Princess Di?

Yes, I'll save you time.

I've met all of them, and then some.

You're not from New York, are you?

Peoria. Oh.

Yes, well, Lorena and I first met in the 90s, Detective, when she bought into

this building. That was after her first prison stay.

And you really never missed a filing deadline?

I really haven't. What is that, midnight?

11.30.

Huh.

What? Oh, well, in today's column, where is it?

Let's see.

I don't know where I put it.

Here it is, here it is.

Oh, sorry.

It says...

I just can't picture frail, aging Lorena pulling a pistol on a younger, bigger

man at such close range. You don't need to read it to me. I wrote it. Well, what

has it got to do with my deadline?

Well, it's true that Otis was murdered with a pistol, but the police didn't

release that information until early this morning.

Are you a psychic?

Well, I don't wait for press releases to get my information.

I have my own sources.

Oh, really?

Like who?

Oh. Nice try.

You see, the thing is, I am very, very loyal to my friends.

I really am. I mean, whatever Lorena sins, she has always taken my calls.

And in my book, that makes you a friend.

Well, hang on.

That doesn't sound like you really think she's innocent.

Maybe I just don't want to believe it. Why not?

Well... I've got a feeling it might be my fault.

You see, I went up there that morning to have some tea, and I showed her a clip

that I had seen of Otis insulting her.

And, oh, my God, do you think I might have put her up to it?

How did she seem when you showed her the clip?

Well, I shouldn't say, but I will.

She was very, very angry.

You people, please be kind to Lorena. She's been through a lot.

Is something wrong?

Uh, no.

It's just my building has the same kind of lock.

Well, I'm sure that passes for interesting in Illinois, but... No, no.

It's just that this kind of lock, it has a switch.

So if you just press this, it keeps it from locking.

So if you leave without your keys, you won't lock yourself out.

Presumably Lorena has the same kind of lock?

Presumably, but I don't follow.

Well, anyone who had access to Lorena's apartment yesterday could have flipped

the switch on their way out to make sure they'd

be able to re-enter.

If they wanted to, say... I don't know.

Plant a pistol between two couch cushions?

Anything's possible.

But proving something like that would be mighty tough.

You'll have to excuse me. My deadline looms.

Mother Teresa?

She really has met everybody.

Oh, hey, come on in. Hey, are you seeing all this stuff about Otis?

No, what stuff?

May I? Yes.

Look, I know it's, like, really bad to, like, speak ill of the dead, but all

these stories are coming out about how nice Otis was, and I just want you to

know that it's not true.

Oops, I said it.

Yeah, ask anyone who worked on the show.

Otis was a dick.

Once this girl spoke up, everyone started posting their stories about

Otis. Now the hashtag OtisWasMean is trending all over social media.

He sent back his mashed potatoes because they were mushy.

God.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Scroll.

There. Hold on.

There.

Otis Langley was one of the gentlest souls I knew. I will miss him greatly.

That person needs to read the room.

That person is Nadine.

My assistant scheduled that tribute to go out before the stories about Otis

began dropping. I'm just glad there's at least one other person who didn't know

he was a jerk. I was starting to feel like a rube.

No, I knew.

Everyone did.

But when someone famous dies, it's traditional to post photos you took

together to emphasize one's own proximity to stardom. And I believe

strongly in self-promotion.

Ooh, what are you promoting?

My newest enterprise.

Eau de chouchou.

High-end canine fragrances for the dog who has everything.

Are dogs highly sensitive to scents? Trust me, once your little gizmo tries

it, she'll feel naked leaving the house without it.

Gonzo. And she is naked when she leaves the house.

If everybody knew that Otis was a jerk, then why didn't my... I ever read about

it in the press.

Well, you know how gossip works.

Clearly, he was trading information about celebrities in exchange for

protection. Oh, that makes sense.

He did have a lot of dirt on other celebs. Hmm?

Oh, we think Otis was the man behind Pop Lunatic.

You're joking. I love Pop Lunatic. I am always sending them tips about myself.

In fact, I've sent several in the past few days.

You're telling me it's been Otis this entire time?

We think so.

We found him with a phone logged into the account.

Oh, no wonder the account hasn't posted anything since Otis died.

Elspeth Tascione. This is some major gossip.

Tascione.

Some of these stories about Otis make him seem really nasty.

Oh, thank you. Oh, can I have one of those, too?

Please?

I heard that he once threw a shih tzu at an intern.

Did you see that one?

I did.

but I think it was a schnauzer.

Wait, where did I see that?

Oh, it was a blind item on Pop Lunatic a few weeks ago.

I was scrolling through, and look.

Which well-regarded TV impresario's network paid a giant settlement after he

threw a schnauzer at his intern? All right, from Otis himself.

It was a schnauzer. No, Nadine, why would Otis?

Post a negative blind item about himself.

To cover his tracks.

Half the items I send in about myself are unflattering. Otherwise, people know

you're the source.

Can I see those last few DMs you sent him?

Oh, wow. Okay.

Look.

Marked as red.

You sent these after he died.

That means someone else is accessing the account.

Maybe he had an accomplice. But why weren't they posting new content?

Maybe Otis wasn't Pop Lunatic at all.

Maybe the phone belonged to the person who killed him.

But who was that?

Sim card

in.

Activates.

VPN? Oh, this looks interesting.

You don't say, but I will.

Go ahead.

No.

Do you know who this is?

No.

How about him?

No. Really?

I love him.

Okay. How about this one?

Bob Hope.

Obviously. What is the meaning of all this?

All of these people were featured in pop lunatic posts.

If Lorena has no idea who they are... She probably didn't run the pop lunatic

account. I get it. But maybe she was lying.

But we didn't tell her why we were quizzing her.

And her lawyer offered her cooperation as a show of good faith. Okay, fine. So,

what's your point?

Well, I think whoever murdered Otis is the real pop lunatic. And they planted

that phone at the crime scene to make it look like Otis.

Who would do that?

Betty Hameth.

She's a master of framing information and people.

Betty's nearly as old as Lorena.

on Instagram, age is just a number, right?

Pat Nixon called me any time she was in New York. We'd have breakfast at the

Waldorf and gab about Drab DC.

That's from today, Pat Nixon.

You think Betty's read up on the latest Twitch star?

What motive could she have to kill us?

Good question.

Let me see what my inside source can dig up.

What's a lonely girl 15?

It was an early YouTube channel that ended up being a hoax. People weren't as

internet savvy back then. So that means Betty wrote about something modern.

Yep. My copy editor friend told me that Betty once tried reaching a younger

audience, covering younger celebrities, reality stars, tech, but then Betty's

readers revolted.

Interesting. And so the paper's owners got nervous, and so Betty went back to

her old material talking about Raquel Welch and Gorbachev or whatever.

But I bet she missed getting the scoop on newer stories.

Maybe she found a different outlet for her passion.

But running a side account like Pop Lunatic would have been in breach of her

contract. Well, all the more reason to make sure her identity stayed secret.

Plus, all those celebs suing Pop Lunatic meant she'd probably go bankrupt if

exposed.

Sounds like a motive.

Yes!

Sorry to interrupt, but check this out.

Another Otis horror story, but this one has a video from the day before he died.

And look.

So Otis Langley came into the restaurant. He was so rude and

disruptive. He was clearly in a bad mood the minute he walked in. This is the

moment where he screamed in my manager's face and refused to pay his bill because

he saw specks of yellow in his egg white omelet.

You can see he stormed out to his car.

This is where it gets... Wait, pause it.

The license plate.

Exactly. Isn't that Betty's car?

Yes.

Oh,

we didn't bring tissues, did you? I think this is gonna be a weepy. No, just

focus on the actor's teeth.

Disgust keeps the mascara intact.

So if somebody were to play you in a movie who would you want it to be ho ho

ho Oh Peoria

What are you doing here? Oh, my gosh.

This really is glamorous, isn't it? Yeah. Well, it loses its luster after a

few decades.

But now that I've got you, TMZ is reporting the news that Otis Langley was

running that Pop Looney Tunes account.

Did the police have a comment?

Oh, wow.

You never stop reporting, do you?

No comment.

But, um, be honest.

Were you really that surprised?

Me? What do I know about it? Well, you two were close.

I just saw a video of Otis getting into your car.

Actually, it was the day before he died.

Well, Otis and I, we had a working relationship.

Well, what were you two talking about?

Oh, now it's my turn.

No comment.

Otis was a source.

Oh, Alec Baldwin. Oh, Hilaria. Buenas noches. She likes to speak Spanish.

Uh, let me guess.

You kept Otis's bad behavior out of your column in exchange for gossip?

About others?

Yeah, it's a dirty business. Well, nice running into you, Peoria.

Oh, a meeting in a car.

That sounds urgent.

He must have really wanted to speak with you.

Well, as we now know, with Otis Langley running Pop Lunatic, he had a lot of

gossip to give, you know, and he made a lot of enemies.

Oh, actually, listen, between us...

I'm not sure Otis was Pop Lunatic.

What do you mean?

Well, for one thing, not every post was from a direct message.

I mean... I mean, a lot of them were.

Gosh, if I had known about Pop Lunatic when I spotted Ina Garten in Williams

-Sonoma... What's your point?

Whoever ran the account clearly had offline sources of their own.

Maybe someone in your line of work?

Oh.

You better get into the theater. Peoria, the movie is starting.

Oh, oh.

Oh,

I love popcorn.

Were you talking to Betty Haynes? I sure was. Be careful.

Any publicist will tell you. She's nice to those she likes and vicious to anyone

who crosses her.

Unlike me, Betty has a bad side.

Elspeth, have you seen Betty's column?

It attacks Commissioner Tully and you, and now the Keystone

Commish has allowed a ditzy redhead to harass innocents. But this non-officer

of the law has her own beef with the victim. I didn't have beef with Otis.

Apparently you left the New York Confidential's office an angry

voicemail. I called with a correction when his show's website misspelled my

name. And that was months ago.

And that's hardly... Elizabeth, I am trying to tell you... Elizabeth?

Commissioner Tully's here to see you.

So the way this looks to me, I was minding my business, doing my job, until

you two made a very loud, very...

public enemy of Betty Hameth.

I get to open the morning paper and learn that I am screwing up

royally and I need to be replaced.

Well, she's pressuring you because she's scared.

How's Beth?

No, no. No, no.

Let's hear it.

This should be fascinating.

Okay. Well, we think, I think, that Betty Hameth may be involved in the

murder of Otis Langley.

Oh. I see. And you are the detective on that case?

Uh, well, no, but Detective Fleming is coming around tomorrow. Detective

Fleming is coming around? Oh, good.

Maybe I am running a slapdash operation here, Charles, because what the hell?

If it's one thing I know, I trust this woman's hunches. Her hunches? Yes.

She is here to make sure that the department doesn't get sued. That is her

job.

Meanwhile... She appears to be investigating a case wherein she has a

history with the victim.

I called New York Confidential's tip line with a firm but polite correction.

I have no idea how she heard about that, but she's making it into more than it

was. That's because she is a gossip columnist. That is her job.

She may be an old bag, but she has a lot of readers in high places and an

extremely vindictive streak.

Exactly.

So.

You two are going to bring Betty Hameth back on sides.

Because if she keeps calling for scalps, I'm gonna give her a few.

You enjoying your new perk?

Oh, we are very grateful for a... All of the improvements around here.

Oh, you think they came from... Oh, no, no. If it were up to me, Charles, you'd

be shelling out for your latte grande down the street.

Then who?

The mayor?

His honor is very focused on appearing fair and honest right now.

Wants to make sure he's not accused of slow-walking requests from the precinct

where his ex-girlfriend happens to work.

Elizabeth? Hmm.

Well, in my opinion...

There's nothing wrong with using discretionary funds to show pleasure.

Or displeasure.

As you're about to find out.

You wouldn't take the machine.

Would you?

No, I'm not that cruel.

But, uh, I'll just stop paying for the, uh, little pod refills.

Consider that a shot across the back. No, wait, wait, wait.

It's not the only thing I can defund, Charles.

Oh, decaf.

Hi, Betty. I won't take up too much of your time. I just... Well, go ahead.

Pardon me?

We know why you're here.

I get a lot of these kinds of visits.

What kind is that?

You're here to grovel so that I don't go after you in my column anymore.

Okay, yes, I did bring you a little something as a gesture of friendship.

But a chow-chow. Mm-hmm.

Perfume. For the pet who already has everything.

Do you have a dog?

No. Oh.

Okay, well, that's all right. I know what you really want, which is gossip

about the case. On background, of course.

Step into my office.

So, they're releasing Lorena.

Well, that's a relief.

She should sue you people.

I hope not.

But my real news, Pop Lunatic is gonna live on.

What? After we wrap the case, all of Otis' personal effects will go to his

husband, including the phone that he used to access the account.

And Harry told us he's gonna carry on Otis' legacy.

Well, so he says.

Well, that's wonderful news.

Can you believe that Otis didn't even tell his own husband? He was Pop

Lunatic. Harry was completely shocked.

Well, I welcome the competition.

Right.

By the way, I have to ask.

How did you hear about the voicemail I left on New York Confidential's tip

line? You don't get it, do you, Peoria?

I have ears everywhere.

Every corner table, the back of every black car, the rope line at every club,

the answering service in every newsroom. There is nothing said out loud in this

city that I can't find out about because I know something fundamental about

people. They want to talk.

And it's what's kept my phone ringing for the last 40 years.

They love to gossip.

Everyone from Otis Langley to Augusto Pinochet.

They all want what Betty has to offer.

Validation.

Did you really know Augusto Pinochet?

I know... Everyone.

Right, but he's less of a celebrity and more of a brutal autocrat.

Augusto was stubborn, but so handsome in uniform.

Now, I have a deadline, so out with you.

I'm sorry, Nadine. She will not come out from under the bed.

Selecting the perfect fragrance is a process, but trust me.

I will find Gizmo her signature scent.

Gonzo. See anything interesting, Mom? Well, you have to read between the

lines, but it really feels like Betty and Pinochet had a fling back in the

day. Ooh, what's this?

Mom asked me to go through the archives at work for old Betty Hameth columns.

Well, I thought you'd given up on that. I did, but...

Get this.

Pinochet showered me with gifts.

Spoils taken off the body of leftist guerrillas captured by his men. She's

really not supposed to accept gifts from sources over a certain dollar amount.

Maybe that's where she got it. Caught what?

The gun used to kill Otis. It's from the USSR.

And the leftist guerrillas were probably using Soviet-made weapons. Wow.

That's smart.

Yes. I knew it.

Betty?

killed Otis, and then set up Lorena to take the fall.

Oh, I just wish there was some way I could prove it without putting Captain

Wagner's job in danger. She really will carry water for anyone who flatters her,

even a brutal strongman. That's how it works.

They'll do propaganda for anyone willing to talk to them. During my divorce, I

could always tell which columnist had just spoken to my ex-husband.

They'd print any lie he told them about me.

Nadine.

You're a genius.

People are always saying that. But specifically, why are you saying it? I

need your help.

Well, friends, New York City's bachelor mayor, Alec Bloom, may have found his

first lady. A very reliable source tells us that Bloom recently shared an

intimate dinner at Gracie Mansion with...

Former supermodel Nadine Clay. Our source claims Bloom wowed her by flying

in croissants from her favorite Parisian bakery, Le Matin, and that things have

moved quickly from there.

Ooh la la.

Hey, what's going on here?

Hey, hey, that's my stuff. You can't do that.

Who's in charge here?

Ma'am, we can't let you upstairs.

This is a flagrant violation of my First Amendment rights.

Where's your warrant?

Have you seen today's paper?

It has everything we needed to convince the judge to give us a search warrant.

And here it is.

Oh, no. No, not my Noriega.

We know that you were the brains behind Pop Lunatic, not Otis.

How would you know that? You told us in today's column.

Pop Lunatic went dark, but you're still checking the DMs to see if there's

anything you can put in your column before the account goes to Otis' husband

and you lose access forever.

I could have heard about Nadine and Mayor Bloom from anyone. No, you

couldn't, because Nadine made the whole thing up.

Nadine confirmed it with me this morning that she never met Alec Bloom. She's

never been to that bakery.

In fact, she hasn't eaten a croissant since 1996.

You'd only get that detail wrong if your source was the DM Nadine sent to Pop

Lunatic. Your mistake made it possible for us to search your files. And we

found proof that you started a draft of your column about Otis' murder hours

before he died.

You'd never miss a deadline before, and you weren't going to let some late

-breaking news make you start now.

You ready for this juicy news item? Tell me if I'm right.

Otis figured out you were Pop Lunatic, and he threatened to expose you.

Running Pop Lunatic was a nice side hustle, but it was getting too hot.

Exposure would mean losing your column and dozens of defamation lawsuits.

You need it out. So you solved two problems in one. You killed Otis.

And then you made it look like he was Pop Lunatic.

Betty Haymouth, you're under arrest for murder. Oh, shut up.

At least I'll get the front page of The View one last time.

Guess he could have used a fact checker after all.

Thank you, Captain.

There's no one I trust more with my livelihood than you, Ellsworth.

Hey, are you suddenly in the mood for a croissant?

Nah, I'm more of a beignet man.

Commissioner? Captain?

Glad I caught up with you.

You see, we solved the Betty Haymouth problem.

Arresting her was a blunt fix. It's usually more my style.

Well, she happened to be guilty.

So no ill will toward Precinct 11?

Just keep a tighter grip on your team.

Especially that... lawyer.

Well? Can I drop you somewhere?

My car's waiting outside.

Commissioner's perk.

Just running a quick errand.

I don't mind the walk.

Those of us still doing real police work need to keep our feet on the ground.

You convinced Tully?

Nope.

He's on me.

That's generous of you, Captain.

Are you replenishing the coffee pods indefinitely?

Uh, I don't know. Because that'll get expensive.

Do you want the pods or not?

Perhaps we should encourage the officers to reuse the pods to save money.

I got time. And then there's the plastic waste to think about. There are programs

that recycle.

I'll look into it.

Now, I was reading the manual, and pain should be descaled every three to six

months.