Original subtitles

Sergeant, I don't think I need to remind you how serious the allegations are that

have been leveled against you and the rest of the squad you command.

Listen, your internal affairs witch hunt here is just another example of the man

trying to bring down the man.

You know, this isn't something to be taken lightly, Sergeant.

There are serious allegations of abuse in the pages of this report.

What report?

I didn't get no reports. You get a report, and reports are like opinions.

Everybody's got one. They don't really represent the facts of what happened.

They're just, you know, they got spit on. I mean, reports, I mean, it's like

Latin for the root word, which is report, which is something we don't

have.

Well, this particular report was sent in triplicate via interoffice memorandum.

You signed for it.

Oh.

Oh.

Those are...

I have multiple complaints of police brutality.

Look, deaf jockey, I eat cream puffs like you for breakfast, so don't think

for a nanosecond that you can come in here with your fancy suits and fancy

paperwork and make me nervous.

We're not here to make you nervous, officer.

Listen, this valley has walls, and those walls need to be protected by men. Men

with guns and flashlights and taser guns and lethal chokeholds.

Well, be that as it may, officer, you're thought-provoking and...

Passionate diarrhea doesn't even begin to explain the events of 20 December.

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Not to mention indictments of protection, racketeering, graft,

bribery, kickback, and double dipping?

Well, hey, I researched it.

And department regulations are way cold moonlighting gigs.

Officer, it's not your moonlighting as a security officer I have a problem with.

It seems that every place you've been employed has been burglarized.

You guys got a work order for this?

Work order? Yeah, a work order. Yeah, signed by Mr. Franklin.

No, no, Mr. Franklin.

Well, maybe you know his older brother.

You know, Mr. Franklin.

I do know the Franklin brothers.

Well, gentlemen, it seems like you guys got your pick for working orders.

Carry on.

Give me a hand with this TV, will you?

Certainly. And then there's just general incompetence.

I mean, how do you wreck ten police cruisers over the course of a week?

You see, there's no makeup mirror in the driver's high visor, so I have to use

the rear view mirror to put on my makeup.

Why exactly is there no CD player in the cruiser?

I don't think it's very safe to have to fiddle with that boombox on the back

seat.

I've suggested it like a million times to the suggestion box.

I don't even know what to make of this one.

There are reports that someone in this squad is operating an illicit escort

service.

Escort service?

What? Please, I just happen to have a very busy social life, and it happens to

include some generous and successful benefactors.

Officer Daly, I'm pretty sure there's a moral clause that prohibits any officer

of the law from participating in Prostitution.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, daddy.

Buy a girl dinner first.

Oh, I'm sorry, officer.

I'll go ahead and book us a table at the finest restaurant. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no.

You don't actually have to buy me dinner.

You could just, you know...

Give me the money that regularly you would have spent on dinner had we went

to dinner.

Oh. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah. I don't like fast food.

No. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Right. Three-star dining.

I prefer four.

Sure. Yeah.

20% tip for the waiter.

The waiter?

20%. I mean, it's only fair.

Yeah, I guess that is standard.

Oh, good.

Okay.

All right, well.

This is a good meal, huh? Yeah, I'm full.

Yeah. Now I think it's time for dessert.

Okay.

Those weapons.

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Help me.

Help me.

Okay.

Oh yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I'm left with no other recourse than to open a full investigation.

Ms. Whiteford will accompany you and your officers, and her report will

determine whether your squad stays together.

Boy, I like my coffee like I like my women.

It's hot, black, and free refills. Nice.

I like herbal tea.

All right, listen up.

Phil Brick and Greco, deep undercover investigating a drug trafficking gay

porn ring.

You may have seen them in their latest releases, It's Go Time, and Greco and

Spartacus' Sex Slaves, number 27.

And the chief recognized Officer Simpson's skill, obviously under the

tutelage of Valley 911, and promoted her to his office. I think they're in

Jamaica right now, working out the details of that promotion.

I don't know, sir.

So I want all of you veteran officers, Officer Daly, to welcome the new guys

with open arms.

They've already made quite an impression on the brass upstairs.

From New York's finest, Officer Marino.

And fresh from a 16th month tour in Afghanistan, living in the caves of Tora

Bora and Camel Dun and Jim Jim Juice, Officer Wojciechowski.

And last but not least, Fresh from the Academy, Officer Daniels.

I'm sure she'll make quite an impact on the street.

That's me.

Now let's get down to brass tacks.

We've got a visiting dignitary from the Internal Affairs Department. This is

Whiteford.

She's going to be doing ride-alongs with us.

Observing.

Bullshit. All right, all right. Enough already.

Listen, I don't like this Internal Affairs stuff any more than you do.

But I want to put to bed these rumors and, frankly, these nasty accusations.

So I'll show Mrs. Whitford that we're good cops and we're gracious hosts.

Any questions?

Yes,

Officer Daniels, you can use the restroom.

Thank you.

For God's sakes, people, let's be careful out there.

This is what we in the cop business call 5-0 ruling.

There's 33 towns in this valley, 348.5 square miles of patrol, and

1.6 million potential perpetrators out there.

Buckle up, there's bad guys out there.

Guilty come from all walks in life, creeds, colors, and races.

But one thing for sure, they all bleed red.

Bingo, right over there.

It's go time.

Good night, funny man.

I need you to be licensed to operate.

Look, man.

I don't have a license to sign, okay?

You know what?

If you don't like the laws, you can write your congressman.

In the meantime... Hey!

I'm talking to you, fucko.

In the meantime, you can get the laws changed.

If you can't get the laws changed, you're gonna have to answer to me.

I'm gonna write you up for loitering as well.

Loitering? This is a public street, dude.

Look, you're just being a fascist.

Fascist?

I'm going to get you for obstructing the justice as well.

Look, man, I stand on the sidewalk every day. I got kids that drive by and throw

food at me for $2 an hour, okay?

Lay off.

Boy, you just opened up yourself a pressurized can of whoop-ass.

You like spinning?

I like spinning too.

This party is amazing.

Okay, ma'am, we're here investigating a noise complaint from your neighbors,

okay? You're in character and everything. I love it. Bob is going to

love you guys.

He loves to role play.

Bob, honey!

Honey, come here.

Yes?

Come here.

Ooh, a cop theme.

I love it.

Okay, sir, no. We're here investigating a noise complaint from your neighbors.

Like there's too much stuff going on here. And you are so committed to

character. I love that.

But if you promise to keep it down, we can let it go with a warning. Yes, a

warning.

Well, I tell you what, officers.

This does seem like a very serious matter and something we should discuss.

Maybe over another round of slow gin fizzes?

Why don't you have a seat?

Bob just loves slow gin fizzes. Why don't you guys come have a couple with

us?

Yeah. You know, we should probably stay and investigate a little bit.

Sorry, we're on duty.

Consider it important undercover police work, rookie.

Well, I see my world-famous gin fizzes aren't going to get the party started.

Honey, why don't you start the party for us?

Your gun is digging in my hip.

Yes, rookie.

I don't think that, um...

Me neither.

I just found my secret service room over here.

Awfully big gun in your pants. Not really.

Oh, that's it.

How's everything going over there, rookie?

I got it under control, boss.

Oh, lick my balls.

Lick them.

oh yeah

now mrs whiteford i'll have you know we're doing this strictly by the book

okay so in case she didn't recognize him that's officer wojcowski now he's

undercover as a john we ordered a call girl from an escort service hoping to

catch her in the act of prostituting on these hidden cameras and now we wait for

three things we need her to name the price take the money and have the sex

Oh, come in.

Hi. Hello.

Are you John Jonathan?

Yeah, that's me, man. John Jonathan.

Wow, I'm here for our date.

Oh, I see here.

Yeah, that's right, our date.

So, what do you have planned for the evening?

Oh, I just want to know what you like to do and what are your limits.

And the price for everything.

And could you please speak clearly?

Are you a cop?

No, I'm a John.

Oh my, oh my God.

Officer Wojciechowski.

Who is this person? That's not me.

Is it that time again, huh?

Hey, I'm just a John here.

You're so funny, Officer Wojciechowski.

So.

Where's your partner?

Maybe we could tag team again, huh?

Obviously this girl's a little whacked out of her gourd on some fucking

hallucinogenic.

Oh,

you're so silly.

Why don't you say we get these pants undone and start this party?

There's no party here.

You know, if these bean counters down at the station would consider the cop on

the street in the line of fire when they made up these budgets, this kind of

thing wouldn't happen.

Uh-huh.

Uh, better go in and fix it.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Let me go fix it.

So,

is everything all right here?

Mmm, I feel so marina.

Nice of you to join the party.

What if I do though?

I love it when it's time to collect.

Maybe I'll get another one.

I think she's going to violate her parole next week. She needs some

credits.

Yeah, that's okay. Give me that back.

Yeah, give me that back.

Like that?

Yeah,

fuck me, fuck me.

Oh my god.

I can't get this out of my head.

That's good. You like that? You like that?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh,

my

God.

Oh my God. Oh,

fuck me.

No!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Marina. Fuck her ass, man.

Fuck her ass.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh f***ing earth!

Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my

God. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Open your mouth.

Yes, yes, yes.

So I guess I'll see you next month.

Look, I fixed it.

You see?

I fixed it. Look it up.

Uh, I have to go. My mother, she just paged me from the hospital.

She has cancer.

Uh, mister, I've never met you before.

Mr. John Johnerson?

Yeah, that's me.

We have to make this quick, baby, because I only have a half hour break.

Wojciechowski?

Daily?

Is this some sort of practical joke or something?

I just... Is this a surprise birthday party? It is, isn't it?

Guys? They're hiding in here, aren't they?

Guys?

Where are they?

Delta 1566, give me a call or you'll be...

Whoa! Look at this guy. He's weaving all over the place.

Maybe he's just trying to avoid a raccoon.

And maybe he's snockered.

Maybe he was really trying to hit the raccoon and he's so drunk he missed it.

I'm impressed, rookie.

Light him up.

What's the problem? What did I do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get out.

I didn't do anything. I don't know what the... Hey, hey, hey.

What the hell's going on here?

It's clean.

What is this all about?

Have you been drinking?

Drinking? I am sober for 95 days now. I'm in the program.

Yeah.

I'll be the judge of that.

Step over here. Come on.

Sir,

I need you to put your hands up.

Put your head back, close your eyes, lift one leg, and say the alphabet.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P.

All right, sir, I need you to walk a straight line.

Heel to toe, heel to toe, heel to toe.

Fine.

Okay, sir, I need you to follow this pen with your eyes.

Just your eyes only.

Not your head.

You moved your head, sir.

Okay.

He passed all the tests with flying colors.

Even the breathalyzer.

Well, obviously he's been trained to take the standard drug driver's test.

We're going to have to upgrade him to level two.

Level two?

Watch and learn.

Okay, sir.

I'm going to have you watch what I do, and then you're going to do exactly what

I did the way that I did it, okay?

Yeah, but look, I haven't been drinking. I haven't drank in... Just do what I

say, sir. Fine.

Hold this.

Hey, please.

You're good. Oh, you're good.

Too good.

No self-respecting man with even a shred of dignity would be caught dead doing

those moves on the totally blotto. I'm telling you, I did not ever drop the

drink. Yeah, yeah. Save it for the judge.

Cuff him, Daniels.

The thing of it is, most people don't realize that just a couple of drinks

will set you over the limit for blood alcohol content.

One little bite of auntie's good old rum cake and your ass is mine

This is an area which of late has seen a significant increase in criminal

activity.

Despite all the technological advances and forensic

science and detection, nothing beats good old-fashioned police work.

Grab your stuff.

Now, unfortunately, public displays of affection are not illegal.

But the minute this guy slides into first base, he's an offender.

So right now, we're just going to wait and see.

We're just going to watch, wait and see.

They're in the back of a dark alley.

Don't you think you should just leave them alone?

They're within 100 miles of a school zone.

Yeah, but there's nobody around.

School zone.

100 miles.

Two, one, go.

Offense number two. He's an offensive little fucker.

Shouldn't you just arrest them?

Listen, what you don't know about copying could fill a book, Miss

Woodford. The idea is the more he goes along, the more indecent is exposed.

The more indecent exposed, the stiffer the penalty.

I see.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

What the hell?

It's evidence, okay?

School's home.

Oh, that's it. Bad.

Bad naughty girl.

Yeah.

Yeah, walking home from school and you're in the alley.

And the janitor tick you out.

What's up?

He's got her from behind like a wild rabbit animal on the safari plains of

Africa. He's got his teeth bared and he's like a lion.

Sergeant. God, he's got a physique.

I really don't think that this is appropriate.

You videotaping them? Hey, listen, okay?

This is evidence.

People need to see this stuff. The kind of debauchery that's going on within 100

miles of a school zone, you know? I mean, this is good stuff.

People would buy this if you sold it.

Not that I would sell it.

But if one were... Oh, it's good.

Fuck.

as he thrust his purple-veined manhood into her.

Simon, I am not feeling very comfortable with this at all. It's kind of

glistening like a river in France. What?

Sergeant, did you take a bribe from them?

No, I didn't take a bribe. They just paid their fine early.

I mean, come on. We've got to help out keeping the court system low on legal

paperwork.

What do you think, Sarge?

I gotta hit your trigger finger and a bullet with the initials I and A.

All right, Wojciechowski, just, you know, tone it down.

All we gotta do is just grease your wheels.

I don't know, man. She doesn't look like the type to take a bribe.

Maybe you could grease her in other ways, if you know what I mean.

That would be my honor.

Good luck.

Mrs. Whiteford.

Couldn't help noticing you in here.

You look so radiant under these harsh fluorescent lights.

That's fascinating, Officer Marino.

However, you look rather green and totish.

You know, some men might find that kind of sharp-witted tongue a bit of

a turn-off.

But I find it like a bit of a turn-off.

What do you do for fun?

Officer Marino, I'm going to be completely blunt with you so you

understand exactly where I am coming from.

If you and I were the last living beings on planet Earth...

I would rather fuck rocks.

Oh, well, okay.

Okay, then.

I don't think we're going.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

I don't

believe it.

I bought my A-game and struck out.

I think she's a lesbian.

Sure. Sure.

Not really.

She coaches the department softball team.

Right.

You took a hot dog to a clam bake, Marino.

Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team.

Mrs. Whiteford, could I speak to you for a minute?

Yes, Officer Daly. What would you like to discuss?

Well, first off, I'd like to thank you for cracking down the squad.

I think that showing the breaches in discipline, protocol, and decorum is

exactly the kind of morale that this department desperately needed.

Well, there's no need to thank me. I'm just doing my job.

Well, I think that you've gone above and beyond the call of duty.

Well, thank you for noticing my professionalism.

Is there anything else?

Well, yes there is.

It's a personal matter.

I'm not quite sure how to say it, so I guess I'll just say it.

I've been noticing that under these harsh fluorescent lights,

you're absolutely radiant.

Are you hitting on me, officer?

No, of course not.

If this is your feeble attempt at a lesbian, come on.

Let me just say... It worked.

This is right for you.

It's delicious.

I don't know.

This is white bird.

Yeah.

Wow.

Please, Mary Ellen.

Mary Ellen.

Yes, Officer Daly.

Well, I was thinking about this little report of yours. Maybe you could see fit

to coloring it just a teeny weeny bit more in our favor.

Officer Daly, despite our little tryst, it would be completely unethical of me

to alter...

My report of you and your squad in any way.

Unfortunately, Officer Daly, neither you nor anyone on your squad will be lucky

enough to get a part-time job as a crossing guard at a freeway intersection

come Monday after I turn in my review.

Really? Well, Mrs. Whiteford, maybe when we're done showing our side of the story

to Internal Affairs, you'll be singing a different tune.

Your side? Yes.

It's like we're off the hook now, huh?

Perhaps I was a bit hasty in my judgment of you and your squad.

While your methods are unorthodox and your adherence to department

regulations, well, non-existent, well, you're not without use. You may just

squeak by.

Squeak by?

Maybe after a little retest, we can do better than just squeak by.