Original subtitles

Yeah

I wish I had my fishing pole and we're sitting on the banks of the fishing hole

eating green apples and waiting for the fish to bite life ain't as

simple as it used to be since the big apple took a bite out of me and burned

us a Tennessee hole and set it up to die but I ain't been home and

I don't know when if I had it all to do over again tonight I'd sleep in my own

Good evening, Mr. Hugo.

It's always a good evening when you're rich, kid.

to the Tennessee hills and it better be soon.

Tell daddy to oil the rifles up. We're going to load them dogs on the pickup

truck and head up to Calhoun County and catch a cocoon.

Yo!

Hold it, Mr. Hugo.

Wait, wait, wait. Catch the new monogram I tell you to do. Go!

Copies for everybody.

What a fool. Yeah, honey, best days.

Mr. Electricity is about to plug into your life.

Here, that's good.

I'll check your leg.

Tennessee homesick blues running through my head.

I'm going to take a little break now and get a drink of water and let the band

change their shirts or whatever else is damp.

And don't you go away, because you know the big amateur talent show is coming

right up.

We like go to sushi bar. You got it. Come on in.

Sushi, huh?

I tell you, you know, sushi's a growing thing. I see these sushi bars cropping

up here, cropping up there, everywhere.

But, you know, confidentially between you and me, I mean, do you think that

eating raw fish is all that good for you?

To me, it's like... Walking across some field and chewing on a cow, you know

what I mean?

Besides, you're in America now. You gotta eat Italian.

Italian? Ah, ravioli!

Ravioli, you got it. Rock and roll. Watch it!

Hey, pal of mine.

Paws off to Chantoux's. Private stock.

So, uh, I'll see you later at our place, huh?

Our place? What time?

How about in the next century, Freddy?

A woman loves to tease me.

Who knocks?

Hey, Marla, look who's here.

Forget here. I'd rather be home.

Sit down in my office, pal. I want to talk to you.

Maury, I'm telling you, you don't believe me, but the guy you're going to

see tonight is absolutely dynamite. How about a big old glass of cold water?

Three beers and a scotch on the rocks. Don't let him work you too hard, Jessie.

Oh, hey, Chick. Listen, thanks a lot about that loan. Really bailed me out.

I'll pay you back as quick as I can.

Forget about it. I have.

I would have borrowed it from Freddy, but you know how he wants to pay back.

Well, they don't call him Matthew for nothing.

Here comes the saltless sleaze now.

Oh, goody.

There she is. And here she goes.

Come on, baby. Tell me the truth.

You missed me today, didn't you? No, and what was all that gun flapping about our

place? Hey, it's a slip of the tongue. I meant my place. Did I or did I not

rescue you from that creep?

Freddy, don't involve me in your fantasies. I ain't never been to your

place. I wouldn't come to your place with a quart of Lysol and a fumigation

trunk.

I love a woman who's unsure of herself.

How about dinner after the show tonight? My treat, no problem.

I lost my appetite. Hey, hey, kid!

Let me tell you something. Don't push it too far, all right?

Because you're going to see tonight my new discovery who's going to be my new

star.

The guy's going to make me a fortune for a change. You get my meaning?

Well, I ain't done too bad for you. Yeah, well, I must admit I love having

you around for an inspirational reason.

Forget dinner. How about lunch tomorrow? My treat, no problem.

How am I going to get my contract back? You know, don't you?

Freddie, there are two kinds of people in this world.

And you ain't one of them.

You guys okay?

Listen, I'm sorry about that, but... That was very interesting.

Yeah, it's good to let it out once in a while. You know, it builds up inside me

like stress. I just go like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sugar!

You know what I mean?

Hey, stress and deli sandwiches kill more taxi cab drivers than anything.

You know, besides that, New York is a great place.

Okay,

no sushi bar.

Will I go to cowboy place?

Cowboy place?

You got it. I do know of such a place. I can't officially recommend it, but I do

know of such a place. Hold on.

Buzzer!

All right, hold it down, all you animals.

All right, come on, settle down.

It is serious time here at the Rhinestone.

This is a very special night for us tonight, ladies and gentlemen, here at

the Rhinestone.

Because tonight, on this very stage, we are going to witness the birth of a

major new country western singing sensation.

And let us give a very warm, rhinestone reception to the incredible, real

cowboy, the effervescent, the intoxicated, Mr.

Elgar Franklin!

Shut

up!

You blow that thing one more time, son, you're gonna be eating it for a midnight

snack.

You understand me?

This guy's serious.

How serious can he be? He's got a duck on his shirt.

This is a song I wrote for my baby.

Well, I left my home when I was 22 But I never did find my time or place It's

just the kind of thing a man has to do With a scar on his soul Like the one on

his face In the emptiness inside

From the day my baby died.

I coached him myself.

He'll finish. You wait.

It was a Sunday, June morning and the sun broke high. I had a smile on my face

and I knew just why.

Didn't hear no warning, didn't fear no storm.

I knew for sure on that very morning.

That girl was gonna be my bride.

It was the day my baby died.

Great. Keep it down.

In a long white gown and a bridal bouquet, how I begged her not to plow

the fields that day. Oh, her beauty never stops.

She felt a duty to her crops.

Duty? Duty to her crops? She jumped in the old young deer.

And she drove away.

Hey.

Hey.

She said, baby, don't you worry. This will only take a minute. But the wheels

caught her gown and dragged her down in it.

Imagine my surprise when I looked her in the eyes.

Oh, my God, I couldn't believe it.

The tractor cut her down the side.

Oh, how the hands of fate they cracked her.

Neat the wheels of her daddy's tractor.

There was blood on the corn and brains on the hay.

And as fast as I could, but all I found

was chunks of my sweet smell all around.

Big haunts of my darling on the cold, cold ground.

This really happened to my Loretta.

Get out of here.

I'm impressed.

You've got to have a special gift to come up with somebody that won't. Forget

that turkey. Maury, I've got a guy coming in here next week who's going to

blow the roof off this joint.

He's from India and sings this cowboy junk better than anybody.

Freddie, let me... Where do you see him?

He wears a turban under his cowboy hat and spurs on his sandals. Brilliant. Not

interested. But this lady, maybe I could do something for her. Hey, why don't we

talk? Hey, hey, hey!

Talk this way, because I hold all the contracts on this one, my friend.

You got my sympathy.

See you next week, pal.

don't believe you listen you spend time and money on every weirdo that staggers

in with the guitar and you won't do nothing to help me you're getting so

high about here because as long as i'm under contract to no taste no talent

like you ain't gonna never get out of this place what's it gonna take to buy

out of my contract what don't say a night in the sack i'd never say anything

like that what's the matter with you how about 30 minutes freddie yeah you ain't

nothing but an egotistical fool Trying to turn these hopeless amateurs into the

rhinestone cowboy.

Is that a fact? That's a fact. Shoot, if I had half a chance, I could turn

anybody into a rhinestone cowboy, and I could do it a lot better than you,

that's for sure. Really?

Really. Would you care to wager on that, my dear?

On what? That you could turn any clown into a rhinestone cowboy? You bet. Okay,

Angel, I'm going to tell you why.

I'm going to give you two weeks after I find someone. You're going to get all

the expenses you need, and all you got to do is get your guy through one number

on this stage without these animals tearing him up alive, and you're going

to call yourself a winner, Mama.

Okay?

What do you got to bet with?

Well, I bet the three years left on my contract. If I win, you tear it up.

Oh, I do love abroad with pizzazz. All right, I'll tell you something.

If you win, I'll tear up the contract. But if you lose, the contract stands.

Plus another five-year option.

How'd you sleep with me?

I'll blow it out if you... Hey!

What's the matter? Either way, you're gonna come out a big winner.

All right.

I'm gonna take that bet.

But let's get something straight right up front.

No weirdos, no lepers, and no dead people. Just some average, normal

person. Got it?

What you're saying is no one extraordinary like myself, just a normal

average guy.

Come on.

Nice

voice.

What do you think?

I think you're going to die a very ugly death.

You're gonna get picky with me, huh?

Nice audition, pal.

Come on.

Well? Oh, come on, Freddie, just stop it.

What are you talking about?

The guy's got natural musical ability. Look at... You're just trying to fix it

so I got no chance at all, right?

Come on, sweetheart.

A deal is a deal, and you are Welsh. I ain't Welsh, and I never Welshed in my

life. Welsh, Welsh, Welsh, Welsh.

All right.

The next normal person that comes by, I'll take him. The next one. Okay. I

mean, the next guy that passes in front of my face. Anybody.

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Hey, where are you going?

I'll be right back.

Come here, you creep! I know your face!

Oh, hey, listen. Are you guys okay?

I'm really sorry, but that guy just cut me off.

That cowboy place is just down the street there. Thank you.

There's no charge, but the tip is optional.

Will you look at this?

Will you look at that paint? Did anybody see anything?

Now, a New York City cab driver is not a normal, average guy.

Wait a minute. I never agreed to that.

Well, you can't expect me to turn that into a singer.

I know.

Where are all the lepers when I need one?

Here you go.

Now, everything seems simple enough.

I mean, it's not going to take a college degree, which I'm sure nobody at this

table has, with the exception of me, to understand the premise of this wager.

So, what do you say?

Where are you from?

I'm from New York.

Okay, lover boy.

What about the bet? Let's go.

What bet? Singing bet.

Are you kidding? I can't stand that hillbilly stuff.

You've got to be kidding.

Besides, look, I'm trying to have a conversation with her, so do you mind?

So, uh, butt out, okay?

Would you, uh, like to dance and maybe get romantically involved?

Freddy, part of the deal was no weirdos.

Can't we just pick somebody else?

Wait a minute.

A new cab was destroyed because of you, so the least you could do is be a little

bit more friendly. What do you think?

What do you mean, because of me?

Because of you, because I was watching you instead of watching the traffic, is

what I mean.

Oh, Lord. He's a horny toad, too.

Horny toad?

Me? Nick?

You know, you're good looking. No doubt about that, darling. But I ain't this

desperate to meet nobody.

Uh, just one minute, pal. Excuse me.

What about the bet?

You just bet I'm leaving. You win.

Happy trails.

I'm here.

Wait,

wait, wait. Come here.

There's something very important to say to you.

What time do you want me over to your place tonight?

What are you talking about?

You don't seem to realize you lost the bet. So what time do I collect my prize?

Look, Dr.

Strangelover, the bet's off. He won't do it.

Well, honey, that is your headache, not mine.

I always meant to ask you, do you want the top or the bottom?

You're gonna be at the bottom of the Hudson River if you don't get out of my

face, Freddy.

Ooh, I get chicks who play rough. That's cool.

Well, then tonight's your lucky night, because you're just about two seconds

from being a nasty injury in an ugly sport coat.

Wait a second. I won, you lost, so you pay. Come on. Oh, back off, Freddy.

Oh, do that again. Come on.

If you insist on going through with this stupid ass bed, okay.

But you gave me two weeks, remember?

And the next time you feel romantic... Yeah?

Don't call me.

Why don't you try the city zoo?

Come here.

Accident? What accident?

You know, over on the west side.

We didn't have any accidents last night.

Not in the whole right side of the cab.

Oh, yeah?

No accidents last night. Must be another company they're coming about.

No. Said S&J cabs on the door. I saw it myself.

What does driver look like?

Sort of tough.

Sort of...

Sort of right there.

Baloney! No Baloney! How you doing?

Hey, you look a little different this morning. Are you parting your hair

different? Come on, let me explain, all right? What's this? What?

This.

This? This!

This! This is a slight indentation.

What indentation? This is a collision. What are you, crazy?

Come on, Tony. I swear to avoid mashing an old lady wheel.

Better you mash her than wreck my car.

You know what happened to the last guy who wrecked one of my cars?

Huh? He don't walk so good anymore. You know that?

Tony, calm down.

I can see you're an emotional person.

Your face is getting all red. Look at me, Tony. I'm an emotional guy, too.

Look at me. I haven't slept all night. Come on. I love my job. I'm a company

man. I even dress like a taxi.

Look at this cap. Look, I want yous out of here. You, these ugly clothes, this

stupid domino, I want yous all out of here. And take Mayweather with you, too,

all right?

Are you insulting my clothes?

These clothes right here.

The clothes I have apart from my body?

These ugly clothes right here. I want yous all out.

Forget it. You don't appreciate a trendsetter, I resignate.

You're really loose, ain't you?

Nice going, Humpty Dumpty.

Who's Humpty Dumpty?

Hey, look, I didn't mean to get you fired. Yeah, why don't you do me a big

favor? Just get out of my face, okay? Look, I can help you. Yeah, pull me out

of the job, you hillbilly bimbo.

Bimbo? No, no, hillbilly bimbo.

You can't talk to me like that. Oh, I can.

All right? Watch my lips, Daisy. You know, some people, they may think you're

real cute.

But me, Nick, I kind of think you're this reject from Hee Haw. So why don't

you just take off because the hay wagon is leaving, all right?

You can always get another job, you know.

What are you, a guidance counselor? I like this job. There's a lot of memories

here.

I, yeah, bad memories.

Hey. What?

Listen, maybe I can get you that job back. Yeah, how are you going to do

that? Call the fairy hick queen and ask for a favor?

Look, Freddy said he'd pay all expenses for the bed, so what we tell him is that

you won't go through with this unless he pays for the repairs.

You can do that? I can do that.

He'll do that. He'll do that.

Positive. Positive.

Can we go see Freddy?

Okay, but don't take advantage of me.

Come on, we're your queens.

What do you think I am, Santa Claus here?

I saw the damage that was done to that cat.

Hey, I love you on the A-Team. You're great.

We are talking about maybe $2,000 worth of repairs.

Minimum. That's what we have to do.

Good. Good.

Does she have a sister?

If you think I'm handing over $2,000 to this clown, you got another think

coming. Clown?

It's just a word, huh?

What is he, the sensitive type or what?

Then you forfeit. I win. The contract's mine. Wait, wait, wait a minute.

All right.

Hey, doll. If you win... Radiation, huh? I'll pay for the repairs, and I'll show

you what kind of guy I am. I'll throw in AM, FM, stereo, air conditioning, and

power windows. What do you say?

You just put it all on paper.

You got it.

If you just remember to wear that perfume when I come, but claim my prize,

because I love it.

Just hold it down, please.

Hey, we better be going.

Hey, what are you waiting for? Come on. Wait, you didn't meet my price yet.

What price?

You said you wanted repairs, didn't you? No, no, she said that. Me?

Tell you the truth, Freddie, what I'd like to have is I'd like to have my old

taxi. What?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, hold it, hold it, hold it. Just a second.

Do you ever sing in front of a live audience before ever?

No, never.

What do you think of country music? Come on, tell me the truth.

Oh, man. It's like worse than liver.

Worse than liver.

This is a very serious hate. You have got yourself a deal.

Get him out of here. Hey, listen, I appreciate it. Nice place.

You bet.

Take care.

Have a nice two weeks.

You're just mad about me asking for a taxi, right?

Let's put it this way. I now put nothing past you.

Now, we need to rehearse, and we need to get started soon.

I gotta sing one song. How hard can that be?

Yeah, but you might have to learn 50 of them. And let me tell you something.

It's a tradition at the Rhinestones to tear any new singer apart.

Do you play an instrument? Yeah, I can sort of play a couple of chords in this

organ I have at home.

Hey, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come to my house, and you can teach me a

new song?

Go to your house, huh?

I suppose that's so you can show me your organ, right?

Why do you think I'm conning you? I'm telling you, I really do have this big

organ.

Thank you.

All right, we'll go to your place and you can show me your organ. But I'm

warning you, it'd best be having music coming out of it.

You got it.

You live in a funeral parlor? No, I live over a funeral parlor. Come on.

We'll take my private elevator.

Where are we going?

We're going to the penthouse.

Well, why can't we use the front door like everybody else?

You can if you don't mind going through corpses and orphans and zombies and

things like that.

Okay, now don't tear my drapes.

Okay? Come on through there.

in the world would anybody want to live over a funeral parlor. That's because my

father owns it. So where's this organ?

In the organ room, of course.

The organ room.

Sure, doesn't everybody have one?

Well, here it is.

I told you I had a big organ.

Well, that is a big organ. It sure is. Well, I'll let it heat up.

I don't think so.

Why don't you start? I'm scratching the seams.

Like what?

I don't care. Anything.

Anything? Anything. You got it.

Hmm, this thing must have pneumonia.

Thank you, and good night!

You thought I couldn't sing?

See you next term!

What the hell is the matter with you?

Crazy bots.

Crazy. Look there.

May your mother sleep with the angels, okay?

Sorry, excuse me.

Hey, listen, Dad, I'm sorry about... What sorry? I told you 50 times. No more

singing, doing business hours.

Okay. Who's Eddie Oakley?

Oh, Jake, this is my father and my father Jake.

Howdy. Means how you doing? I know what howdy means.

I read.

You staying for lunch?

No. Yes.

Thank you.

One more tutti frutti, you understand?

It's out of my repertoire, I swear.

What? Right under me.

This chick has got somebody.

Deal. You could handle it?

I'll try.

If you can't, call, understand?

Okay. Call, I'm right here. I know.

Call, damn it.

That's dead.

So, what do you call all that peculiar screaming and flapping of your arms?

Come on, sir, the organ's a little out of tune.

Besides, I never said I was that good in the first place. I mean, I need a little

work. Well, now, if you're going to sing country, you're going to have to think

it, walk it, talk it, sleep it.

Hey, why don't we discuss that over a friendly lunch?

You got it.

Friendly? Never ate here before, did you?

If you knew what you were doing looking at her like that, you wouldn't want to

give her to me. You'd make me sick.

Where is he going?

I'm fixing to haul him back home with me. Where's home?

Tennessee.

But this is his home. He don't need to go nowhere but where he is.

But he can't learn nothing new here, folks.

Now you did it.

Excuse me, but he knows all he's ever going to know. His brains are finished

growing. You don't have to go nowhere to learn nothing.

Hey, Mom, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but what do you mean my brain

is finished growing? What, do you got a microscope in my head?

Nick, you lack maturity.

I lack maturity?

Yeah, no maturity.

See how you're dressed to eat? Look, you want to talk honest, Nick?

If you can't do nothing right here, how are you going to do right down there?

Forget it. Be a pastry maker.

Nick, feel your meal.

I almost died having you. But don't be a cowboy, please.

They even get diseases from sleeping with animals.

You leave, we rent the room, I'm telling you. You're gonna embarrass us,

yourself, and the sons of Ili Storvato.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Folks, ain't nobody gonna embarrass nobody.

This man's gonna be a country singer. He's gonna win that bed, he's gonna win

my contract, gonna win that taxi, but most of all, he's gonna be gone.

Now, I appreciate the hospitality and the fact that you gave birth to this

fella here. Oh, and by the way, I promise to feed him pizza once a day,

okay?

But...

You coming?

No,

Nick. Hey, can I have a copy of that speech?

Nick, no.

Oh, ma'am. Ma'am.

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. I'll write, I'll

write, I'll write. I swear. Nicole, you understand? Call, I'll be right here.

Call, you understand?

Call me. I'll call you. I promise.

Call. Ciao.

Ciao, ciao.

It's your fault we lost the film, you see?

What do you mean? You're crazy.

Your son is crazy. What do you want from me? I can eat here.

what's what's what's a stampede watch the shoes watch the shoes nice

turnout oh hush you're down here to learn

country you might as well start learning right now come on what is it how

are you hey miss studs how you doing good to see you hey hewlett mr poke

seen my daddy not today

I want you guys to meet a friend of mine from New York City. This here's Nick

Martinelli. Howdy.

Yeah. Well, say howdy, Mac.

You want to give old Nick a break?

How they hanging, troops?

Oh, real mature, Nick. Yeah. Oh, there's Daddy.

You're not here to be smart. You're here to learn. Uh-huh.

What are you guys making?

A piano.

Show.

Slow-witted, ain't he?

Real slow.

Oh, Lord, I miss you.

I miss you, too, sugar.

Mercy, don't you look sassy. Well, thank you, Daddy. I want you to meet somebody.

This here's Nick.

Howdy.

What's he doing? Well, he's trying to say howdy, Daddy.

Oh, well, howdy. How you doing?

I'm fine. Yeah, that's good.

Well, I can't wait to get to the house.

Would you get the bags, Nick?

Excuse me. Done? Thank you. The bags, okay.

Yeah, he's kind of slow-witted, ain't he? Oh, he'll be all right, Daddy.

Them chickens.

What I don't understand is what happens if you lose the bet.

I was going to ask you that. What's in it for Freddy? Nothing. I just don't get

my contract back.

And that's it?

That's it.

So, anything new around these parts, Daddy?

Lem Kerner bought him a new hog, and he's got the biggest set of nuggets you

ever seen in your life.

Picking that old red one down at Starkwell's? Oh, I believe so.

Really? I thought maybe later on we could drive over and let you take a look

at them. Okay.

Would you like to see them too, Nick?

Hog balls?

Yeah.

No, thanks. I had enough excitement for one day.

okay too much water just too much too much water

too much water

over

and over and over and over again

Too much water, just too much. What about this Nick fella?

Oh, it'll take some doing, but it'll work out.

No, I mean, are you and him a... Oh, Daddy, don't be ridiculous.

Well, I don't think it's ridiculous for a daddy to want his little girl to find

some nice boy and settle down.

Last time you told me that, you introduced me to Barnett Cale. Well, I

apologize for that, but speaking of Barnett...

He knows you're here, and he knows about that Nick fella, too.

Well, it best just stay away from me and that Nick fella.

Well,

that's enough rehearsing. Why don't we get our new lead singer up here and see

what he can do? Come on, Nick. You got it.

Hey,

Tennessee, it's great to be here.

And I want to thank everybody here for, like, you know, showing up at my first

live concert.

I got this special song that I, uh...

Remember from the neighborhood it goes something like this

This guitar needs tuning.

That was scary, son.

For a minute there, I thought you was gonna explode.

Let me try again. No.

Why don't you tell me how you really feel?

Let me show you how a real bluegrass singer moves.

That's it? That's all you move?

That's country.

That's rigor mortis.

You're something.

Hit me an open chord.

Now, can you play something country?

Can I play something country, Nick?

Stand back.

Don't tell me, Cal. Boom, boom, boom, here, boom, boom, there. Here, boom,

there, boom. Everywhere, boom, boom. Get down, Cal!

Cal. Whoa.

Son, you're going to hurt yourself.

I thought he was doing good.

Just relax.

Follow me.

Old MacDonald had a farm.

E-I-E-I-O.

Old MacDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O.

And on this farm he had a dog.

Dog? Dog.

A dog.

E-I-E-I-O.

And on this farm he had a dog.

E-I-E-I-O.

With a bow-wow here.

With a bow-wow here.

And a bow-wow there.

Bow-wow there. Here a bow, there a bow.

Everywhere a bow-wow.

Can we go see that hog now?

You're a game rooster, son, but country you ain't.

But country he will be, Daddy. We need to give him a full course in country.

And the first thing a cowboy learns about is his horse.

Is this normal procedure?

There ain't nothing normal about any of this.

I mean, seriously, how do I look on this? Well, you and this cowboy, we've

got the same colors on. Oh, you say we clash?

Look, just stop this, Big Mac, okay?

Whoa. Getting a little jammed up here, you know what I mean?

Now this is a horse. I had a feeling.

Go ahead and pet him. He won't bite you. Nice boy.

Now there's two things you gotta remember about horses.

One, you don't ever walk behind one. It'll kick you. Uh-huh.

And that's the other.

There goes the dance contest.

Oh, come on, Nick.

Come on in. Have some fun.

You can't tell me you don't think you feel like fun.

I thought you liked it.

Come on, Nick.

Don't think so.

that's so ugly, you gotta hang a pork chop around his neck to get his dog to

play with him.

No, no. I mean, you gotta say it with some kind of feeling, Nick. I mean, act

like you mean it.

Say it again. Okay.

I know this guy who's so ugly, he's gotta hang this pork chop around his

neck to get his dog to play with him. All right.

Hold it.

You addressing me? Uh-huh. A real cowboy always mixes his peas with his taters.

That's real valuable info.

I'm trying to get some butter. You're supposed to sop up gravy with your

biscuit. I don't want to use my biscuit to sop up some gravy. I got other plans

for my biscuit, and they involve butter.

Well, I'm only trying to tell you how we all do it. I know how you all do it. You

don't. That's clear.

You're going to let me devour my food my way or what? You're down here to learn

the basics.

Basics. Oh, you want basics like you guys do it. Okay, you got it.

That's good.

That's wonderful.

Boy,

that is really mature, Nick.

Well, at least I ain't a drag.

What? What, what? You've been a drag ever since I got down here. Walk like

this. Eat like that. Talk like that. Give me a break.

I'm trying to give you a chance to make something out of life, but all you want

to do is have fun.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing unless your whole future's at stake. You want to act like a damn bum.

Bum?

Damn bum.

You don't want to work. You don't even know the meaning of that word.

Color, Nicholas, gone.

Where you going?

To the gutter. I want to relax.

Damn bum calling me a drag.

Imagine that.

Pass the biscuits, please.

Daddy, you don't think I'm a drag, do you?

Well... Well, tell the truth.

Okay, but first pass the biscuits.

Never mind.

This is dark.

This is what I would call serious dark.

Okay.

Oh, thank you, God. It'll be nice for a year.

Taxi!

All right.

Hey, how you doing?

Get in.

My car's right over there. I don't need a ride. Thanks

anyway. Why don't you get in?

No, no, matter of fact, I'm just down here doing this survey on little country

roads, and I was wondering, what do you think of this road, this street,

highway? I said, get in.

Hey, look, pal, I told you before, I'm doing a job here, so just get this thing

moving before I call a cop, you know?

You're causing a traffic jam here.

Holy mackerel, definitely a hatchet murderer.

What am I doing here?

I'm probably traveling packs, these guys.

Just loving like the devil.

And we keep going back to heaven every

night.

We keep going back to heaven

every night. Oh, goody, country music.

Here.

And go back to heaven.

Well, thank you, Table C, for the clap.

I appreciate it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a little pause for the cause

right now and we'll be right back.

This ain't an audience, it's an oil painting.

beer real foamy you know what i mean hey

you from the city biggest oh knoxville

new york you know pizza discos room service

new york hey y'all this man's from new york i

want to keep it down kind of incognito I don't want to draw any attention to

myself.

Do me a favor.

So, how's them old mafia boys doing these days?

Good. Good business is up. You know, they're right.

Making a killing.

Hey, let me ask you something.

What's it like to take heroin?

Excuse me?

What's it like to shoot up a bunch of...

Heroin. God, I hate cowboys.

Cowboys? Cowboys? Where?

Where? Get an exterminator in here.

You're a little strange, ain't you, man?

Weird buckaroo, aren't you? Don't take offense, friend.

I'm just chewing the fat there with you.

So, uh, what's your name there, city boy?

Nick Martinelli.

Well, lift my leg, so is mine.

I'm just ripping you there, Bart.

No, really, name is Barnett. Barnett Cash.

Well, lift my leg, so is mine.

Hey, look here, why don't we eat us a few thousand beers and you tell me

what's buzzing in the big bad city? What's buzzing in the city? Okay, you

got a couple beers for my friend here. Hey, don't tell me autopsy is your

hobby, right?

What's that, a slug trail?

Come, son.

Cut out that rack.

Yeah, morning, Mom. Here's some coffee, eggs, and, yeah, morning, Mom.

if you got a hangover and barely ventures.

How'd you get yourself home?

I crawled.

But I crawled real cool.

You would have been proud of me.

See you, guys.

Been nice.

Where'd you go last night?

Well, me and this other guy, we got to drinking.

And we got so drunk, we had more fun than a wet dog has stank.

What? Yeah, we drank. We drank enough beer to fill a mouth hole.

What?

I heard this guy talking and stuff all night long, and it sounded like fun.

But it didn't sound like fun when I tried to do it, right?

Because you sound like baby Hitler.

So all I got to do to make it work is to make it fun?

Yeah, something, you know, is crazy, but it just might work.

And how are you going to make it fun?

Well, I thought I'd get your friend to help us.

That's a great... I tell you, that guy, he's more fun than, like, a cricket in

your shorts.

Now, what does that mean? I don't know. None of it makes any sense to me.

who is this fun guy uh what was it um kale barnett kale barnett

kale yeah you got me i don't believe it oh barnett ain't done nothing

but lie to me and cheat on me and treat me like don't tell me she's mad you can

raise hell or cuss out anything you want around here but unless you're tired of

living i wouldn't be slinging that name barnett kale around here no more

Then I shouldn't have invited him for lunch, right?

No.

I can't handle domestic problems.

It's just one motion after another.

That's nice. That's real nice.

I want to apologize for what went on down there. I didn't know you and this

guy had this thing going.

We used to sing together.

Like we do?

But on pitch.

Anyway, I don't think it's your concern.

Don't say that, because I like getting involved in people's past histories.

It's kind of like a hobby of mine, so...

Why don't you just tell old St. Nick about it, okay?

Okay. He got me started in the business. He took the drink, and I took off, and

that's that.

That's that? That's it.

Now, look, I ain't got but a little more time to teach you all the country I can,

and I ain't gonna promise it's gonna all be fun, but I'll try not to be too much

of a drag.

Stop the music.

I wouldn't have met him in the first place if you hadn't have called me the

bum.

Oh, so it's my fault. It's not your fault, but, you know, this is my whole

life. It's a kind of plague with these bum stories.

I mean, I got a cousin who's definitely a professional bum.

These two guys I grew up with, they're definitely bums, too. And the girl I

took to the senior prom, she's not a bum. She's like this fifth-degree bag

lady, so... I might say my life has been...

Well,

that is a sad, sad tale.

Whoa.

My dog died, too. Did I tell you?

No.

No, you didn't tell me that.

Tragic.

Oh, you're cute, Nick.

But do you really want your own cab?

Oh, yeah. As much as you want your contract back.

Well, then you're gonna have to work as hard as me to get it.

And I'll help you work hard if... You'll help me be less of a drag.

Okay? Yeah, sure. You got yourself a deal, cowgirl.

Okay?

Oh, and St. Nick, the wild possums are gonna be here soon, and I left an outfit

laying on your bed.

Oh, yeah? You're gonna love it.

All right. I love new clothes. I'll see you later.

But wiser, you created a monster, and they call him

Frankenstein.

And the tavern down the street is the laboratory where he makes the

transformation all the time.

And a Stein of Dr.

Bud is a pint of monster blood, and it does affect me different every time.

But while you created a monster, and they call me

Drinking Stein.

And they call me Drinking Stein.

Yeah. I'm Drinking Stein.

I'm Drinking Stein.

I'm Drinking Stein.

Son, I can't tell you how good you look in that suit.

That suit is you.

Oh, you done good, Nick, really. I'm proud of you.

How do you like this get-up? I think I hate your tailoring. Oh, what's the

matter? What's the matter? You're wrecking my dignity. I'm a cabbie. I'm

not a rhinestone laundry bag.

Oh, life's just full of little pet peeves, ain't it?

Yeah, and watch out this hat spade while you're at it.

Why don't you go practice your walk while I practice my diction, okay?

Okay.

Come on. Now, you gotta watch me, Rhinestone.

Gotta get a little dip in you, get a little cut in you, a little pride in

you. See, you get all that going, it feels really good. You think you can do

that? No problem.

Well, show me. Okay.

You gotta get a little grin in your shin, a little flea in your knee, a

little charm in your arm. Hey, don't bounce up and down so much. Look who's

talking. Hey, Nick.

Did you ever have a real wicked case of jock itch? Oh, that's really feminine.

Well, did you?

You'll never know that, because I plan on taking that information to the grave

with me, okay?

Howdy.

Hey, boy, what?

Just keep practicing, Nick. More side to side.

Hello, Jake.

It's very nice to see you again. You certainly look as lovely as ever.

You're doing good, Nick. Keep it up.

Boy, you about as dressed up as a sore finger rehearsing for Halloween, now

that. More side to side, Nick.

Sure would be a nice thing. Hey, how about you don't distract us while we're

working? Working?

That's the strangest occupation I ever seen.

You're doing good, Nick. Don't lean forward so much.

Excuse me, sweetheart, but why is he doing that?

I'm teaching him to walk like a cowboy. Is that all right with you?

Hey, Nick.

You ever had jock itch? What is that, a national pastime down here?

You remember how I made you walk?

Here, give it a try. Do this.

There you go. I feel like son of Frankenstein. Now swing around here.

That's a hell of a lot better, ain't it?

Itch is great now.

Hey, you know what, Nick? A couple hours on horseback, I could have you walking

like Roy Rogers.

A couple hours on horseback, he'd be walking like Dale Evans.

A little Tennessee parallel parking for you.

Dang, what are you doing, Barnett? Hey, Roy, Carl, park my rig and don't mess it

up, boy.

Hey, Barnett, yeah, I've had enough to drink, really. No, sirree, Bobcat. Hey,

let me tell you something. If I ever told you about the time me and Jake, we

went skinny dipping down there. Yeah, you already told me that. Well, hey, let

me tell you about that.

One time we went on down to the Tasty Freeze and took all these French fries.

Hey, we already did the Tasty Freeze adventure, Barnett. Oh, yeah.

Well, anyways, hey, you know, me and Jake, we go back a long ways together,

you know?

How long you known her?

What time is it?

I love this guy. God almighty.

Hey, I swear to God, I love this old boy here.

Boy, I want to knock you on here.

That door might attack me. Hey, Luke, how are you? Martin, how are you? Fine,

Luke, and you? Come on. Real fine, and you? Fine.

Nice rap, guys.

Boys, I want to make Nick Martin O'Neal on. No, no, no. Martin-a-lee. Oh, excuse

me, Nick Martin O'Neal-y.

Hey, how's the better beer, boy?

Nah, pass, kid buddy. Oh, hell pass.

Bartender! No, no, no.

Definitely pass.

Ain't we good enough to drink with?

Well, look, Walt, I... Walt!

Walt! Well, Walt, I'm not very thirsty, but listen, thanks for caring about me

anyway. What's your problem, son?

Why, you a doctor?

Dance,

cowboy?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I thought you'd never get here.

I'll see you good old boys later.

Hey, she's crazy about me.

I hate that guy.

Well?

Back in New York, you told me to keep my hands to myself, remember?

Well, we are in Tennessee now.

I'm very, very, very healthy.

This isn't bad.

Accent.

I says, this here team bet it's all.

That's good.

Thank you. Now you keep the accent going.

And I want to tell you something that I hope won't hurt your feelings.

But when we started out, boy, I was sure that you was a certified disaster.

And I've done better with a trained groundhog.

God, what a turn on.

She's still crazy about me.

But you know, you turned out.

Hey, excuse me, good buddy. Mind if I cut in?

Actually, I do, good buddy.

Say what?

Yeah, I feel right comfortable here, buddy, but happy trails.

Thank you.

Boy,

she could hardly contain herself.

Tell her I want to dance.

Barnett ain't looking none too happy.

Well, love is a hurting thing.

Well, I hope I didn't come fix you too, good old boy.

Well, you did, but I forgive you, Jake.

Jake, Jake, Jake.

I think we run aground here, Jake.

Hi, Walt.

Barnett wants to dance.

Good, then dance with him.

Come on, Jake.

I wouldn't let some wise-ass city boy make me look stupid.

You calling me stupid?

I ain't. He is.

It's a nice dress.

You like it? Yeah, it's nice. It's a little revealing, but nice.

You know, Jake, I gotta say what's on my mind because, you know, that's my

personality.

I'm thinking that I'm starting to get a little involved here.

Really? Mm-hmm. Well, I have a feeling you say that a lot. Oh, yeah? Well,

actually, I do, but this time I mean it.

You don't really know me.

I know what I gotta know.

I think the buddy system is over.

Wouldn't you just know it?

I don't care what happens, don't start a ruckus. Yeah, that's really nice.

What is? You being worried about me, right?

You know I'm worried about you. You lose a couple of teeth, you ain't gonna be

able to carry no kind of tune. And death.

Death might hurt the song, too.

I didn't think you went for the slick, greasy type, Jake.

Thought he was a real fun guy, huh?

Barnett, why don't you just mind your manners? This man is gonna whoop your

butt till you ain't nothing but a shirt full of sore bones.

What are you, my manager?

Always have a woman to your talking, slicko.

Hey, you cool it, puke.

Why don't you just leave it be, Barnett? What are you proving? That nobody's

gonna come down and prove I'm a fool.

You do a real good job of that all by yourself.

Let's go, Nick.

Retreat? Nick, retreat?

We'll use this one time.

Hey, Slick.

Are you okay? How about your teeth? Are they all still in?

You're not a fun date, you know that? Zero fun.

Look, I don't know about you, but I've had just about as much fun as I can

stand. Can we go now?

Go? I gotta waffle this guy.

Look, you start a fight now and all bets are off. You understand?

You understand?

Yes, Mom.

Well, good.

Let's go.

Not bad for a little light work.

Well, I don't know why you got your tail swept in the air. It wasn't no big deal.

To you. Well, it's over. It don't matter.

To you. Well, what's it going to prove if you go back in there and fight? What?

Because I got no choice. That's why.

That's crazy.

Everybody's got a choice. Not if you're a tiger. You heard of vendettas? Yeah,

so? So we invented them. Yeah, fine.

Go back in there. I hope they beat your ass.

What?

Hey, don't say that, because you ain't never seen the kid in action.

Well, if you're trying to impress me, forget it. I'm not impressed with

suicide.

Give me a break.

You know, you're right, you're right.

I don't want to get involved in anybody's past history, especially

yours. Still, I can't see how you almost got engaged to buzzard lips back then.

Not almost.

What? I was. No, you weren't. I was. You weren't. I was.

Oh, come on. This is bad.

I'm telling you, it just blew my whole image of you. You know, I put you above

all this, and you blew it.

I got to rethink this whole image thing now. That's what I got to do.

All right, look, I thought about it. I'm human.

You're human.

He's sort of human.

Nick forgives me.

Nick forgives everybody.

Hey, that's great, Nick. I know. You are a great guy.

I know. And you are so full of it. I know that, too.

You know, you're a lot better than I thought you were. I'll work out on you.

Oh, Daddy, you're as out of tune as my guitar.

We're just sweet, loving friends.

But it ain't exactly what we said.

I don't want to fall in love.

I just want to fall in bed.

Whoa, yeah. Hi.

You sound like you're feeling spry. Oh, I'm... Definitely in the spirit tonight.

How's your jaw?

Oh, fine, fine.

Good.

Listen, do you want to, like, maybe rehearse that last song a little bit?

Right now? Oh, yeah. Well, sure, in your... Yeah, in my... Sure,

we could always use... It's quiet.

Practice.

Yeah, you know, practice makes perfect, right?

Are you all gonna make that racket all night?

Good night, children.

Oh, Daddy.

Great timing, Dad.

Listen, uh, why don't we just take a rain check on that, okay?

Yeah, well, you know, we do need the practice.

Ooh, lots of practice.

Definitely need it.

Night, Nick.

Night, Jack.

It's gonna be a long night, Nick.

It's a long night.

Good night, Jake.

Good night, Daddy.

Good night, Nick.

Good night, Noah.

Good night, Nick.

Good night, Jake.

God, I hate hillbillies.

Wondering if God loves us when we're cheating.

Oh, but why we have to feel things if it's so.

Is that old country feeling arising in you yet, son? About a year.

All right.

I want to thank God for being such a great audience and I have a special

surprise for you tonight. I want to introduce somebody to you.

We'll call him a special guest star because he's a real popular country

singer in many parts of the country. I'm seeing swan.

And he's making his big city debut tomorrow night in New York City. Will

you help me make him welcome Howlin' Nick Martin?

No.

No more. Showbiz ain't in my blood. No more. Forget it.

Uh, y'all excuse me a minute. We'll be right with you, okay?

Forget it. I'm finished. I don't want to do it.

No. Don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous. Look, my lips are sore. Look, maybe later. Forget about it.

It's a natural thing, Nick. I mean, the first time I was ever on stage, I

thought I was gonna die.

I mean, my head hurt. I was upset at my stomach. I felt like I had a rusty knife

caught in my throat.

What'd you do?

I threw up.

This talk has done me a world of good, Jake. Thank you.

Come on, you'll do great. Now, remember, you walk.

Looks like he's got jock itch.

Well, I guess I'd best commence the playing. You best get your tail off

stage, son.

I say, it's great to have the president of my fan club here tonight.

I'm playing y'all for fools. They ain't got a drop of country in them, y'all.

You can always tell when Barnett's been over my house, the toilet ain't never

flushed and the cat's pregnant.

That's old Barnett all right.

Barnett, you know, it looks like you got a slight bladder problem. I can tell

that from your rusty zipper and yellow boots.

about as funny as a rubber crutch in a hospital ward.

Barnett, how'd you get that greasy look? Combing your hair with a pork chop?

I might as well start my farewell

performance.

Get the tempo up a little.

It's time.

We say.

It's like we went to bed.

You did it, you did it, you did it. Not quite.

What do you mean? We're ready for New York.

Not yet.

Hold it right there, Nick.

Wait, wait, what do you think you're doing?

It's vendetta time.

Silence ain't the way.

And besides, I want to do it.

Take that, slime stone cowboy.

What are you, Jane Wayne?

We had it coming.

I was supposed to do that.

Well, it's too late.

What do you mean, too late? It was my duty.

Maybe next time. What? You blooded my nose.

Oh, you get out of here.

You're giving me a sissy complex.

Hey, why don't we just sing a little? What about my complex? Well, it looks

clear enough to me.

Hey, don't be funny. You're wrecking my masculinity, you know that?

All right, the bull's mad now.

How am I supposed to handle this?

Well, I think you just did.

You still my manager?

Y'all wanna hear old Nick sing another?

Great idea.

And it's dedicated to you, and especially you.

What we gonna do?

Piss off. I never liked a sumbitch anyway.

You're my kind of woman, you just naturally flow.

You're my kind of man.

Just taking it easy and taking it slow.

But taking it just as far as it wants to go.

Well, you're all I can handle and that ain't a lie.

Well, you've got the handle that sure hits the spot.

And you've got just what it takes to take what I got. And we're just sweet

loving friends.

Just sweet loving friends.

Oh, yeah.

Delicious.

I just want to fall in bed.

Hey, Tennessee, you've been a fine audience.

Matter of fact, you've all been as tight as a gnat's nose stretched over a

rainbow, and this is Hal and Nick Martin saying, oh, I want to see you next tour,

and God bless you all.

That's real down home.

I think you got her, boy. Well, I'll tell you, I could really feel something

on that stage. No, I don't mean it was like electricity going back and forth

and back and forth between me and them people.

It's probably the chili.

No, it wasn't the chili. It was electricity.

Well, I was just funning you, son.

Come on, I want to show you something.

I was real proud of you tonight.

And I want you to have this.

Well, I knew you'd be deeply moved.

Noah, I don't want to hurt your feelings. You won't. I want you to keep

it. Thanks, but the suit likes you better.

No more.

You've earned it, son. Noah, do me a favor. Keep it, okay? I want you to have

it. Can we be truthful here?

Sure can.

You're a good man, you're a good Christian, and you're a good farmer.

So-so dresser, okay?

So trust me when I tell you that this is the ugliest garment I've ever seen.

Well, it sure as hell is.

And you know, I've been trying to dump this eyesore for years.

I believe I'll have her cleaned and burned.

Good idea.

Good night, son. Good night, Noah.

What a coincidence finding you here.

I was just talking with your father. That's nice.

Yeah, nice. He was, uh, trying to give me that cowboy suit of his.

Oh, Daddy's always trying to pawn that old thing off on somebody.

Really?

But I rented you a beautiful suit for the show in New York, did I tell you?

Did you?

Well, I was wondering if you maybe wanted me to show you those cords?

For the song you're gonna do?

Oh,

yeah. Yeah.

Listen, why don't you come on over here? I think the acoustics are better.

Sounds like a good idea. I think the lighting's better, too.

Well, I don't know how much you remember what I showed you, but you're gonna be

playing like an open tune, and so you kind of just like... Of course you'll

tune it. Wait, wait, wait.

I gotta do something.

It's about time. Excuse me?

I said it's about time.

You mean to tell me you were ready before?

Well, I was, but you was always causing a ruckus, Captain Action.

And I spent all those nights taking cold showers and the other half watching

horny moths bouncing off my light bulbs.

Moths? Well, some of them had great technique.

Did you? Well, I hope you took notes.

Sure kiss like a cowboy.

But there's one more thing I'd like to find out.

You got it.

Be gentle.

Let's be, let's be young and dance along.

Hold it. Wait.

Everybody sit down.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah. I want to make a toast to my son.

A man who left here a zero, a capital nothing, a guy going nowhere.

Total strikeout, yeah.

But now he's back.

He looks a little different, but I love him.

And I toast my son.

Hop along, meatball!

Oh, thank you, Dad.

That worked downright.

One thing you didn't do is set me on fire.

Well, anyway, I want you all to meet a girl that helped me see things real

different. I want you all to meet Leapin' Jake from Leapers 4.

What to say, except that when Nick came down home to Tennessee with me, he said

he felt like he was on another planet. Well, I just want you all to know I

think we're even now.

You're singin' my hair, Romeo.

I really don't know exactly what to say, except that I hope we do real fine

tomorrow, and then I'm gonna have back what I need, and Nick's gonna have his

own taxi.

Wait, you don't think I could ever go back to driving a taxi again, do you?

I mean, Jake, I'm a singer now.

Oh. That's right. He's a Sinatra.

Take the cab.

What makes you think you're a singer after two weeks?

I mean, I do. After feeling what I felt up there on that stage, I could never go

back to hacking a taxi.

But it ain't that easy. And what makes you think you can earn a living singing?

It's tough out there.

The audience. I mean, I thought it was a pretty big hit with those farmers.

Well, now them farmers happen to be my family and friends, and they was

applauding for me and the band just the same as it was for you.

Take the cab.

I don't want the cab.

So all this work was for one night?

No, one song.

And after that, it's over?

Over?

Boy, I hope not, Nick.

But then I guess that's up to you.

Nick, you're putting the party down.

Okay.

I guess it just had to come out, didn't it? It just had to bubble onto the

surface.

Professional jealousy.

Jealousy? The old professional jealousy.

It ain't jealousy.

Oh, Nick, honey, you know how I feel about you, but you ain't a real singer

yet. You're sort of like a robot right now.

We put you together like a mud pie.

Mud pie?

Forget it, Nick. You can't work with her. He can't start his career off like

this.

Career?

What career?

I make music. He's still making pollution.

But I don't need this public embarrassment here.

Well, I don't need it either. Ever since I got hooked up with you, I ain't had

nothing but brown-eyed agony. Hell, I might as well forget the bet and just

sleep with Freddy.

Whoops.

Sleep with Freddy?

Who's Freddy? You don't know him.

Sleep with Freddy?

You're thinking about shacking up with the guru of doo-doo?

It was part of the deal if I lost. Anyway, it ain't none of your affair.

What do you mean it's none of my affair? That guy's a wart!

Well, I did what I had to do. I'd like to see what you would have done.

I wouldn't sleep with Freddy!

Well, I didn't do nothing yet!

Yet? Yet?

You mean if you lost, you'd go through with this?

Well, I don't know about you, but where I'm from, people honor their word no

matter what.

Okay. Forget you, forget this, forget everything.

No class, Dad.

Listen up, bright eyes. I didn't pick you. I got stuck with you. But I tried

to make the best of a bad situation.

Now you think you're this fast-rising star. Maybe you are. Because when you

get right down to it, a star ain't nothing but a big ball of gas.

Gas?

Hey, Dad, hey!

Don't ever trust a man.

The bat's off!

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe for you, but not for me, because I'll be there.

I'll be there.

You should have called. I could handle her.

Bad timing, Dad.

Bye. Salute. Bye, baby.

Salute.

me to believe that I was special in your life.

So I left my heart wide open for the fall.

What a heartache.

What a heartbreak.

What a heartache you turned out to be.

It just goes to show that you never can tell.

I could be deceived so easily Are all these wishes I'm wishing

to myself Like rusty coins in a wishing well Wishes come true, they come false

as well Is it too late for you and me?

What a hard thing you turned out to be

Oh, honey.

Come on.

Oh, I've treated him awful, Jesse.

I mean, I embarrassed him in front of all of his friends. I got him fired from

his job.

I called him a mud pie.

It's not your fault. You've got a career at stake here. It is my fault. I turned

his folks against him.

Made him give up his down-to-earth goals, and worst of all, exposed him to

Freddy Hugo.

Believe me, he won't get past this crowd. Freddy's been lining up the worst

hecklers in New York. Forget it.

Well, what if he does?

And he might, you know.

Well, then you'll win. What's so bad about that?

Oh, what's so bad is he'll go off all cocksure of himself, thinking he's gonna

be some big singer. And then if he can't make it, he'll probably wind up with

nothing.

Probably become a wino.

Wind up in a gutter somewhere with all the other bums he knew.

You're a real optimist, Jake.

Well, I ain't going through with it.

I'm going to ask Freddy to call the whole thing off.

Satisfaction in life.

True happiness.

I wish you blue skies and rainbows.

I wish you love swears.

I wish you nothing but graceful.

Only if you're with me.

I hope you're never happy with anybody but me.

I wish you nothing but trouble.

Well, I wonder

who is outside.

Welcome home, all of you.

Freddie, I have to talk to you.

Yeah, baby, let's talk. We shall consider it foreplay.

I'm trying to be serious.

I am serious.

It's the most serious night of our lives.

Entrez-vous, mes enfants.

Freddie, baby, tonight's going to be your lucky night.

Ah.

Hey.

You're expecting her to shut up. Get it.

How do you know?

She's probably at Freddie's right now.

Good. That's nice.

Good.

Taxi! Taxi! Right here!

Best for the best.

80 bucks a bottle, baby.

60 if you buy them by the case.

And speaking of cases... Freddie sure got one for you, Mama.

I don't want nothing to drink.

Come on, Angel, loosen your strings. I don't want it, really. My strings are

fine. That's cool.

Hey, listen, Freddie, the bet's off.

No way!

Hold on a minute. You have made a deal with the Manhattan Love Machine, so

nothing's off.

Except maybe a few choice garments.

So... How about a nice, cozy little fire?

Some mood lighting and some mellow sounds.

Zap.

This one needs no explanation.

Dig it.

Good night, Freddy.

Hang on.

What was that?

That was your passport to Freddy's world.

Hey, Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Hold it! Hold it! Come on, I'm in heels!

What are you doing? What, do you want me to fly across town?

Taxi!

Jackson!

Oh, give me a break!

Why not?

Hey pal, test drive!

Going up!

Once again, relax, ready?

Pull it,

pull it, pull it, pull it! Wait for the leg!

Straight, straight, straight, come on, you're going to get a headache here! You

make me look bad, no horse!

Come on, please, please, please, please. No, no, hold on.

Okay, now, now.

Whoa, cool it. Cool it. Stop.

Cease. This is... Whoa!

Hey, mister, mister.

Can I bring a horse in here? Hey, mister.

Hey, hey.

Hey, mister, what are you crazy? Where are you going?

Freddy Hugo's.

Oh.

Hey, what's the matter with you? Are you nuts? That guy just came in here on a

horse. He's going to Freddy Hugo's.

Oh.

Jake! Open up!

Hey, Jake, open that door!

Hey, Jake! You get out of them clothes, baby!

I want you to bounce them buns back in the bedroom.

I ain't fooling around.

I'm serious.

Move it. What are you, crazy?

I'm here to rescue you. Thank you, but you're just a little late.

Look, Jake, if we're going to get along, you just got to give up active combat,

really. Okay, but you got to admit you're a strange looking hero.

Look, what are you doing here?

Nothing. I happen to have friends in high places. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why'd you forfeit the bet? Because we ain't got a chance. I don't believe

that.

I can't go on like this. I can't be pulled this way. Oh, come on, Jake. I'm

not pulling on you.

I don't want that anymore.

I don't either, but look, I never finished anything in my life before. I

swear to God, this is the first time, and I'm going through with this bet

tonight no matter what. But for you to give up your pride, to give up your

dignity, to sleep with that mutt!

Okay, that does it.

You're a big hero, and I'm really impressed, pal.

But I happen to have a bet going on here, one in which I do not intend to

lose, all right? So just haul your bones out into the hall, pal, okay?

It won't take very long. I'm really not very good. Do me a favor, will you? Oh,

come on now!

Hey, you come on! Come here! Hey!

We gotta get to the rhinestone. No, no, no, no! No rhinestone!

You're going to owe me five years on the bet, just like we planned, okay? Five

years. That takes care of the bet, all right?

You're not going to welch on me this time. You, come here. Come here. Listen,

lowlife, we got 35 minutes. The deal's not off till 12 o'clock. Let's go.

Wait a minute.

I'm supposed to say that.

What's the difference?

The difference is it's my horse, okay?

Let's go.

Clown.

Try to kill you.

35 minutes.

Nick, now don't be overconfident. This crowd's out for blood.

Ah, don't worry, Jake. We're gonna kill them.

We? Yeah, you and me. We're a great duet, Jake.

Nick, ain't gonna be a duet tonight.

What?

That's the bet. You gotta win them over yourself first.

Are you kidding me?

Ah!

Hello out there!

How's everybody feeling tonight?

Good, I'm glad to hear it. It's really good to be back. I'm gonna... introduce

a new singing star to you tonight. I want you to help me give him a real warm

rhinestone welcome.

How about a big hand for Howlin' Nick Martinelli?

Y'all be nice to him, pal.

So much for brotherhood.

Elvis Spaghetti!

That's darn funny, fella.

over your suit.

It is a bit loud, ain't it? Be quiet. I told you to mind your manners.

Well, anyway, what I hear is that it's harder getting a song past you all than

sneaking a donkey past Don.

Rooster, Nick. Say what? Rooster.

I'm sorry. Make that Don pass the rooster.

That is hands higher than his IQ.

a launching pad.

It's a home for wayward spiders.

Look at him, he's dying.

What I'd like to do is sing a little song that my friend Jacob wrote.

Yeah, yeah!

It's real good.

Okay.

Stay out of my bedroom.

Don't mess with my

Here's another five-year contract, sweetie pants. It ain't over yet, Brady.

If you don't want to play in my fantasy.

Okay guys, let's pick up the beat. Okay, let's do it

doing are you crazy i'm gonna die i'm gonna die my way

hey how y'all doing out there tonight better than you are

well you want to act up a little bit let's act up a little bit okay hey i

like all the uh good-looking women out there to say yay oh come on i know

there's better looking women out there let me hear you say yay

Let me hear all the horny women in the audience say, yay!

Wow! I knew you were out there, huh?

Now, you hear that, guys?

So let me hear all the studs in the audience say, yay!

Come on, I didn't say the panties. I said the studs. Now let me hear you say,

yay!

Yay!

Yay!

Okay, let's go!

Now watch.

Just say it after me, okay?

If you don't want

to play in my fantasy,

stay out of my bedroom.

Baby, if you can't take the heat, if you want it.

Come on and get it, baby.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

I'm a pleaser, free and eager.

I ain't never had as much as I need.

Easy loving, that's down my alley.

I might be easy, but at least I am cheap.

Stay out of my pain.

Baby, if you can't take the heat.

Stay out of it.

Stay out of it.

Yo, do you live with the heat?

Babe, how can you deal with the heat?

If you come to my bed, to the heart of the heat, I will pleasure your body in

the sheerest heat.

I will touch your place no one else ever reached. And you won't remember

anything.

Don't be peeping through my window if you don't appreciate

what you see.

Stingy!

You got something that don't belong to you no more.

Yeah, I know.

No, no, no. The contract.

You're pretty good, you know. You could do a hell of a job for us here.

You, uh, sign with anybody?

I'll send you the bill for the taxi, OK?

Wait, wait, wait. I want to ask you something.

Is she any good?

Poor Freddy.

He can't help it if he's got a case for you.

Well, is it my fault?

Yeah, kinda.

Why?

Why? I mean, look at the way you're dressed.

What's the matter with the way I dress?

Nothing except you look like a moving violation.

Well, when you stop wearing pants, I can see your pulse through. We got something

to poke at.

I didn't think she'd notice.

I hate you so much it's got to be love. Say it with an accent.

It's got to be love.

I'll shout you out because of that.