Original subtitles

Okay, Tim, the tortoise is officially 100 years old!

All his friends are dead.

Happy birthday to you.

Birthday boy's a little shy.

Happy birthday to you.

I wouldn't come out for a lettuce cake either.

Happy birthday, dear Tim.

Happy birthday to...

Tim?

Tim?

Well, I'm gonna call it.

Time of death...

mid-afternoon.

♪

Here lies Tim.

-He was a noble tortoise. -Yeah.

He liked lettuce and looked like a rock, and...

I got nothing. Did anyone know Tim particularly well?

I could do a poem or something.

-He lives! -Hey!

-Classic! -A roller coaster of emotion!

And many more!

Not that many more, probably.

Hey, quick question for the group.

Can anyone think of a time when I treated Shred differently

than anybody else in the office?

Uh, maybe the millions of times

that you put your tongue in his mouth in the storage closet?

No, I'm-I'm talking more unethical conduct, like...

raises, promotions, time off.

I find baby talk unethical.

Oh! Fwankie's cwanky.

I only ask because in a couple of days, our HR rep, Rhonda,

is going to interview us to make sure I didn't show Shred

any preferential treatment.

You seem pretty casual, considering this HR lady

decides whether or not to fire your ass.

Actually, Bettany's been teaching me

a neat way to stay calm.

Octagon breathing, it's twice as effective as box breathing.

You take a breath with each side of the octagon

as you trace its shape.

It works because my body thinks it's sprinting to safety.

You are not safe at all. When I was on the force...

Ah... it's relevant.

When I was on the force, the guys in my unit took bribes.

I wouldn't do it because I have a little something called

a moral compass. So, they accused me

of making false accusations and I was not adequately prepared.

Wow, that's very interesting, Frank.

What happened next?

I got fired! And sentenced to a life

of driving around with you, numb nuts.

Sometimes it's hard to have your back, dude.

I feel pretty ready, I mean,

I scheduled these interviews for when Templeton's getting

his CPR certification, which explains why he had

that lady mannequin.

So, he can't badmouth me.

I mean, what else can I do?

You need to wake up and realize this is life and death.

We need to treat this as trial prep.

Figure out how to answer anything the HR rep will ask.

I'm talking mock interviews, coaching witnesses,

and as the only one who has actually been through

this process, I nominate myself as mock interrogator

and I humbly accept.

Okay. Yeah, I'll try it.

I just hope this isn't a Frank power trip thing.

Of course not.

But I will be taking over the multipurpose room,

so notify the dogs their vaccinations will be

taking place another day.

Why do you look like you're going Christmas caroling?

Maya's friend Isha gave it to me.

She started this closet organizing business.

So, Maya hired her to come by the house and declutter

while they're outta town.

She noticed I don't have a white cable knit sweater.

And... voilà!

Hmm. It really draws a lot of attention to your face.

Thank you...

Oh...

That looks great on you.

Say hello to my little sweater!

It's Pacino from a YouTube compilation.

I can't. Stop!

You liked that?

I know we've had a lot of fun looking at shoe organizers,

Mm-hm.

But it's time to make a decision.

-Oh, boy. -The Wesley or the Tommen?

Tommen. It's not even close.

I knew it. We are simpatico!

Isn't Amit the best?

-Him? -Hoo-ahh!

-Oh! -Serpico.

I can't with you!

If you're robbing the precinct,

you're being way too obvious about it.

I'm setting up my interrogation station.

I need to familiarize myself with all the ammo

the HR rep might use against us.

Okay, just be careful, 'cause I file everything

with a very meticulous...

All right.

-I got it. -Never mind.

Can you get that box?

Doesn't it stress you out that Frank's gonna rifle

through your stuff?

Oh, not really, it's mostly just boring paperwork and stuff.

Except the bottom drawer is my personal things,

but it's really just my neck pillow.

And the Twilight fan fiction book you wrote.

I beg your pardon?

Why would you put Blood Moonin there?

I gave that to you in confidence.

I took it home, um, but it's very dense,

um, so I brought it back to finish it on my lunch breaks.

And I'm going to, but it's-it's very, um... long.

I don't think you understand. If Frank finds that,

he has 300 pages of werewolf erotica to make fun of me with.

Feels longer.

All right, listen up, everyone.

Despite the name,

a mock interview is nothing to laugh at.

When I call you, come to the multipurpose room

having emptied your bladders and steeled your nerves.

Shred, you're first up.

I'm full of the truth,

so squeeze me like a lemon, brother.

It's 11:14 AM.

The weather is fair, but a storm is coming.

This is Frank Shaw questioning the first witness.

-What's your name? -Shred Taylor.

-First day of employment? -November 1st, 2023.

How long have you been involved with Emily Price?

Six beautiful months.

You just lied three times.

Your legal name is Fred Taylor.

You started on November 15th and you've been involved

with Emily since the moment you laid eyes on that dork.

Well, I think my recall is pretty good for a guy

that's had eight concussions.

Once you've proven yourself a liar,

they won't believe anything you say.

And next thing you know, they'll be asking for your gun

and badge and telling your old man that his kid's a rat.

Do you need a minute, buddy?

No! Don't change the subject.

Now buckle up, because I'm gonna be

as thorough as a lice comb.

At what point were you aware

that Shred and Emily were in a relationship?

When they got caught sucking face at the ACOOTYs.

Now, let me ask you a question.

Is there anything funny about Patel's Pacino impression?

I'm asking the questions.

And let the record show there is not.

According to Emily's citizen complaint log,

you've been caught without proper identification

on no less than 17 calls.

Okay, I can explain this.

When Maya travels,

she uses my badge to get through TSA super quick.

That's so blatantly illegal.

I can't believe you disclosed it.

Congrats on being our most honest witness.

You talkin' to me?

Unfortunately, yes. And that's a De Niro quote.

Like myself, you uncovered Shred and Emily's

relationship early on.

-I knew first. -Wrong.

I knew he like-liked her since his first day on the job.

I will ask you one more time!

Did you ever witness Supervisor Emily Price

show preferential treatment to Officer Taylor?

-No. -No.

-No... -No.

Great, well, that oughta do it.

Come on, you can buy me lunch.

You know what makes me suspicious?

Nothing being suspicious.

I gotta get into the files. Deep dive.

Wait a s... wait.

I think I do remember a time that Emily

might have favored Shred.

She let him skip cat bath Wednesdays.

Yeah, he hates cat bath Wednesdays.

I mean, we all do, but he always tries to

wriggle out of it, like the cats.

I think I've got it.

Ooh!

Looks like everyone's prepped and ready for their interview.

Everybody is.

Except for you.

What are you talking about?

I gotta be honest.

Part of today was about me playing cop one more time.

But damn it, if I don't still got it.

I found the smoking gun.

It's got your fingerprints all over it.

Why do Shred's time cards say that he arrived at work at 8:30,

when Victoria confirmed that he didn't get there

till noon that day?

Um...

Oh, I...

I did fill this in for him, but only because he was

running an errand for the precinct.

Off site. Totally above board.

Well, what was the errand?

I'd rather not say.

Where was he, Emily?!

Where was your boy toy?!

-Oww! -Are you okay?

I've been hitting the table a lot.

Just tell me the truth.

Ugh. Fine, fine. Um, he was...

picking up, you know, our softball jerseys.

What?

He was picking up our softball jerseys, okay?

The precinct hasn't had a softball team

since we disbanded it two years ago.

No, Frank.

I'm sorry, but we do still have a team.

A secret one.

Oh, you got a secret softball team

without your star player who's got the arm

of a Greek god? I don't believe you.

You got real jerseys, not just T-shirts?

The Silly Billies.

And the pants.

Pants.

You liars!

Liar. Liar. Liar.

-Wait, what? -What?

I thought we passed.

Frank, I can't go back in there, okay?

I finally just stopped shaking.

I know about the Silly Billies.

And terrible name, by the way.

It doesn't instill fear at all.

Hey, my son came up with that name!

Hold on, Daisy's on the team?

Sorry, guys, he started asking lots of questions about

the day Shred picked up our new jerseys.

-Aw, we got new jerseys? -Yeah.

I'm the only one the opposing team insisted on

taking a performance enhancing drug test.

I'm your best player!

You definitely look like you should be.

Uh, you know, you're up there with your little hat

and your big, strong muscles, but you do this funny thing

when the pressure's on and it counts the most, you...

-What? -How do I put this?

You're a strikeout machine.

-Yes. -Name one time.

There was that time with the fifth graders

when our opponents were no-shows.

She was throwing spitters!

She had Vaseline all over her hat!

You threw a tantrum, yelled at an 11-year-old girl,

then spent the entire post-game pizza party bumming us out

with your lame excuses.

You also only eat dry Caesar salad,

which is a different kind of bummer.

So when the game is on the line, you would rather go with,

oh, I don't know, Emily?

Please. I'm the bunt queen.

But you know

what's really unbelievable?

Is that you're doing this to me.

A survivor.

That is what I am, a survivor.

I survived being kicked off the force

only to suffer the indignity and humiliation again.

Double survivor.

Watch out, he's gonna storm off.

Storm? Nah.

I am a category five hurricane.

And you are all low-lying coastal areas.

What's this basket thing?

A hamper.

For your dirty clothes.

I usually just throw my clothes on the treadmill

and they show up clean.

Stop!

If we're all set here, I'm going to head to

the Container Store and get those hangers we chose.

Grab a couple of these hampers.

Oh! I might.

Ah... I don't get it.

She is laughing at your jokes. Is she simple or something?

She's got a lot going on. Okay? Small business owner.

Just left an unhappy marriage.

Ah... divorced. That's it.

She's hitting on you.

No!

You think?

No.

Take it from a fellow divorcée.

We are out there on the prowl trying to get connection

anywhere we can get it.

And I do mean anywhere.

Oh, my God, you're right.

It makes perfect sense.

Since Maya left,

these women have been crawling out of the woodwork.

I mean, she's the first one, but... they're coming.

Okay, well, you need to shut this down.

I know, I'm gonna talk to...

That's funny.

-Isha... -Patel!

I know. I'm shutting it down.

Frank?

Have you seen Frank?

He's just totally abandoned my interview prep.

Uh... not sure.

He mumbled something about needing pine tar.

Yes!

Still got it.

Mm-hmm...

Oh, thank God. Aaah!

And...

-Volume two. -Yay...

Wait, why are you so obsessed with Frank finding your book?

I mean, he only reads male authors anyway.

Well, there's this character called Shadowkeep.

Oh, the man-cougar who's in every sex scene?

-Spicy stuff, by the way. -Thank you.

There's a chance that Frank might think

Shadowkeep is based on him.

Really? I guess that makes sense.

He is the ripped village elder with a well-groomed mane.

Wait, did you base him on Frank?

No! Of course not. Ew.

That's good, 'cause you go into detail describing his loins.

Yeah, but you know what Frank's like.

He's an egomaniac, he will make everything about himself.

Attention!

It is time to restore my reputation as a man

and an athlete.

Seriously?

Well, look, I'm sorry about the softball team,

but I have an investigation you promised to help me with.

-Three pitches. -What?

Three pitches in the parking lot,

and I guarantee at least one of them will be a home run.

If I succeed, I'll be reinstated

back onto the Silly Billies.

I could get fired.

Everyone! To the parking lot!

Uh... no.

What about my investigation? We have to prep, Frank.

Somebody call 911 'cause Frank's about to choke.

Yeah, keep chirpin'. I live for this.

Strike one. I'm sorry.

I just wanted to see one.

Then why you swing at it?

Shut up!

Am I interrupting work stuff?

I can just leave these on your desk.

Sure. Actually... do you have a second?

I need to talk to you about something.

Ah, I know I went over budget with the wood hangers,

but a classic man deserves a classic setup.

Let me convince you over dinner.

I don't think so.

Korean barbecue?

You told me Maya doesn't like it.

She says I'm too impatient to fully cook the meats.

I'll pick you up here at 6:00.

I... I don't know.

My treat.

For my best client.

You're really twisting my arm.

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Great.

I'm calling it. Smoothie shop rooftop.

You're making this harder than it needs to be, man.

Bring it.

You're calm and you're safe.

-Strike two. -Oh!

So now we're counting foul balls as strikes?

Yeah. We're playing by the rules that were established

180 years ago.

Zip it, Cannon!

Are you freaking joshing me, Frank?

I mean, not only do you abandon me when I needed you,

but then you almost decapitate us?

I just had her centered in a cool, cool seat.

I'm glad you're all here.

I want as many eyes on this as possible.

Oh, yeah. No problem. Can I actually...

can I take a look at your hat?

Hey! What are you doing?

Stop it, stop it!

What's going on here?

-Stop! -Rhonda!

Why are you here right now?

I'm here to pick up some documents for your HR case.

But now I also have to get statements from everyone

about what I just witnessed.

Rhonda, I'd also like to file a claim

about softball-related ageism.

So... just had words with Rhonda.

Thanks to my little moment with the hat,

uh, she's opening a second investigation against me

for creating a hostile work environment.

What? But you wouldn't hurt a fly.

Literally. I've seen you take them outside and free them.

Don't worry, we'll do another set of mock interviews

and we won't let them or their facts win.

Oh, my gosh.

Maybe I shouldn't be reinstated because I am guilty

of showing preferential treatment... to you, Frank.

Ooh! Today has everything.

I mean, do you know how hard I have to work

to protect your ego and cater to your ridiculous demands?

If I got special treatment,

I wouldn't complain as much as I do.

Wh-wh-what about your lumbar support chair

that I had to special order for you?

Or the fact that I keep your birthday a secret

so that no one can celebrate it?

It's March 17th, everybody!

March 17th, 1990.

I also gave you your own drawer in the refrigerator.

Yeah, that pissed me right off.

And now, on the most stressful day of my whole career,

now you decide to exercise some demons

from getting kicked off the force.

I just... ahh...

You know what? I am gonna prep for my interview alone.

I mean, come on, she's exaggerating.

You know what? Come on, Silly Billies.

Emily needs her team.

Support on three.

One, two, three...

Support!

So, how did Isha take it?

It wasn't an easy conversation, but I was straight with her.

I'm married, and it just doesn't feel right.

Okay, seriously, when are you gonna talk to her?

After dinner.

I need grilled short rib and one more night of validation.

She's friends with Maya.

She knows that this is just platonic.

Oh, well, do her yabbos know that this is platonic?

Oh, wow.

Me and her, dinner, with that...

Dress. Okay, this isn't great.

I should call Maya.

Get ahead of this.

Unless I'm being too hard on myself.

I mean, what have I really done wrong?

Everything, I've done everything wrong.

Hey, babe.

How's Mom?

There's been a little setback.

Oh, no. Hey, listen, there's something I want you to know,

and I wanted you to hear it from me.

Isha may be in love with me.

-What? -I know.

She's got it bad. It's not her fault.

I did my Pacino.

Hold on, I'm adding Isha.

What? Don't do that. Why-why would you do that?

Hey, Maya. What's up?

Isha. Uh...

Amit said you've fallen in love with him.

Did he say that?

Yeah, you're in love with him.

Hey, but you invited me to dinner!

I told her to check in on you.

I know you've been lonely.

I didn't completely make this up.

You got all dressed up for me.

No. I got dressed up for my boyfriend.

What's up, Amit?

Psyched for some Korean barbecue?

My God, he's perfect.

Yeah, she clearly has a type.

You guys are like twins.

All right, this isn't necessary.

I was just trying to be a good husband.

By going on a date with my friend?

Sweetie, I love you, I really do.

Mom, you are never gonna believe what Amit...

You know, maybe you guys just go on without me.

I'm just feeling a little...

Hoo-ahh...

-Hi, Rhonda. -Ahh!

You're from Precinct 22, aren't you?

Yes, Officer Frank Shaw.

Oh, and you do the Elmcrest trail, too?

I do, I love the...

-Gradient. -Oh.

Look, I don't actually, I followed you here.

Which I now realize sounds creepy,

but I wanted to talk to you about Emily

and what happened yesterday.

Well, then, you'll have to keep up.

I'm very athletic.

Look, Emily is a great boss,

and puts up with a lot of nonsense from her employees,

I would know. I work with them, too.

I'm sorry, I can't look past workplace aggression.

Listen, Rhonda, when I was on the force...

Oh! I'm sorry that I got shot at so you could feel safe

walking in public.

Look, when I was on the force, my biggest mistake

was that I had a moral compass.

But Lady Time wore me down, so...

What if I gave you a name?

Someone who did something that'll make Emily's outburst

look like small potatoes?

What are we talking, embezzlement, forgery?

I hate to say it, but one of my more oblivious coworkers

got mixed up with the feds.

TSA.

I'm still listening.

Oh, we're running again.

Emily's interview is taking forever.

I wish I had a Bettany to calm me down.

There she is.

I think it's good news.

Although I'm terrible at reading women.

Well...

-I nailed it. -Yeah!

I laid out an airtight case that I didn't demonstrate

any preferential treatment to Shred.

And at the end, she said, "Very good."

And she didn't even bring up the hat attack.

Yes! High five! High five!

I mean, the city's gonna make their decision in two weeks,

so we're not outta the woods yet.

But, you know, at least we didn't set the woods on fire.

Yay! Okay.

Officer Patel.

I have some questions for you on a separate HR matter.

Can you come with me, please?

My God, I'm gonna have to call Maya again.

Hey.

I heard you talked to Rhonda.

Yeah, I ran into her on one of my hikes.

-She struggled to keep up. -Mm-hmm.

I also heard that you said I was one of the best bosses

you've ever had.

Well, I kinda got you in trouble,

so I felt a lie was appropriate.

Mm-hmm.

I know I'm not the easiest employee,

and managing my genius must be exhausting, so...

I appreciate you giving me the space to be...

Me.

So, there you go.

Well, you're welcome.

Hey.

Get your bat.

All right, you get one pitch. Are you ready?

Bring me that meat, bunt queen.

And that ball is outta here!

Oh!

Who drives a red hatchback?

I do. Why?

Tell everyone I'm back on the team!

Can you pass the tail detangler?

Oh, hey, you know who could use a good detangling?

Shadowkeep.

You're gonna...

you're gonna be so annoying about this.

No, it's an honor to have a character based on me.

Although I would never go on a quest to avenge my father.

If anyone was based on you, it would be Smitty,

the village elder who dies of dysentery.

Oh, come on. Shadowkeep's tall, he's clever.

He protects the creatures of the Rodanthian forest.

"So virile, his bare feet make flowers unfurl their petals."

-It's beautiful. -He also dyes his beard.

But the night elves pretend not to notice

'cause they don't wanna hurt his feelings.

You can finish up here.

It's okay. Shadowkeep has night vision.