Original subtitles

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Narrator: Once upon a time not so long ago

in a little town in France called St. Bernard

lived a Count named Hubert,

his chauffeur named Eric,

and his dog named Gedeon.

Oh, that's me,

the aristocratic greyhound you see in the backseat

of the Rolls-Royce.

Yes, it was a pleasant life...

the chauffer, the castle,

the butler, the gardener,

the cow, the horses...

everything a country gentleman's dog could dream of.

But dark clouds had gathered on the horizon,

and the future was becoming bleak.

You see, things aren't always what they seem.

Take my master, for example,

Hubert de la Canelle, Count du Bonbon,

the last of a dying breed.

His family had been making chocolate truffles

for 12 generations.

Everyday the Count would go off to the chocolate factory

to supervise production of the tender little morsels.

Everything seemed fine on the surface,

but the Count was in trouble, big money trouble.

Things were not going well at the chocolate factory,

bad management,

labor unrest, inefficiency.

The Count had gambled almost all his money away.

In fact, Eric the chauffer

had more money than the Count.

Disaster was all around us.

There was even talk of giving me food from a can. Huh.

Things really took a turn for the worse

when the Count divorced the Contessa,

a lovely young woman, but with a somewhat fiery temper.

Little did we know,

but things were about to change drastically again,

and all because of a princess who would fly to us

from a land far, far away.

Male deejay: Good morning, Dallas.

Howdy to all you cowboys and cowgirls out there.

Well, today's gonna be a real scorcher, yes, sir.

Weatherman says he's expecting the old mercury

to hit about 98 degrees.

It might even pop up to a hundred.

Traffic report just in-- all major access roads

to the downtown area are backed up

for four to five miles due to some major road work

on half a dozen on-ramps.

Wow!

Those boys from the road department

always seem to pick the hottest days

to do that work, don't they?

Looks like you people are gonna be frying

in those very hot cars for a very long time.

Unless of course, you got wings or somethin'.

Ha, ha! In the meantime,

here's one of everybody's favorites from Merle Spencer,

"If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will."

Man: Cassidy One, Cassidy One,

Cassidy Helipad is clear for landing.

Cassidy One, you're cleared for landing.

Roger.

Woman over PA: Howdy and welcome

to the Cassidy Corporation world headquarters.

Don't you ever sleep, BJ?

Yes, but not when I have money on my mind.

Pretty little filly like you

ought to have something on your mind besides money.

Now, we've been through this a hundred times before, Daddy.

I don't have time for men right now.

- I never have time for serious men. - Mm-hmm.

I always have more important things to do.

- Such as? - Such as business.

I'm just lookin' out for your best interests.

- Mm-hmm. - You know,

I would like somebody else to talk to besides my horse.

Oh, and I don't talk to you?

Yep, yep, about acquisition mergers

and tax shelters and stock splits.

But that is not exactly what I had in mind.

I'm sorry.

- Men: Hi, boss. - Mr. Cassidy: Howdy, boys.

- Good morning. - Man: Good morning.

All right. Sit down, please.

Why don't you begin, Daddy?

Mr. Cassidy: Thank you, sugar.

Well, now.

I believe y'all know that this corporation

has to unload $12 million in some foreign country

before the end of this fiscal year

otherwise Uncle Sam is gonna take a big bite

out of our ass.

In short,

we have got to purchase a tax shelter muy pronto.

And so far, we have been looking at everything

from shiitake mushrooms in Mexico

to paper clips in Korea,

and we have come up bust, boys.

But I believe our little BJ here

has a line on something real hot.

Don't you, darlin'?

Over the past six months, Cassidy Corporation

has been considering some 50 companies for acquisition

and none of them fit the bill.

If the product was right, the price was wrong.

If the price was right, the location was a disaster.

Really, none of them even fit the quality profile

associated with the Cassidy name.

After extensive research,

I think I have found the perfect company

for the perfect price.

Cut to the chase, BJ. What are we buying?

Chocolate?

Not just chocolate, Daddy.

They are St. Bernard chocolate truffles.

They're the best in the world.

It's what Chanel is to perfume

and Dom Perignon is to champagne.

Do ahead, everyone. Dig in.

A great luxury product from France

and classy enough to be associated with the Cassidy name.

In three months, the Japanese will be fighting

to stick them in their shopping bags.

Begging your pardon,

but according to the Wall Street Journal,

the St. Bernard's a stiff.

Preciously.

That's why we're going to buy it for a song.

Just what exactly did you have in mind, BJ?

The usual strategy?

Right, Daddy.

Thank you.

A firm offer,

one million in cash bonus for goodwill...

it never fails.

Eric, you were absolutely right.

I should have worn the green cardigan for the cover.

The jacket makes me look entirely too eager.

But you are eager, sir.

We both are.

You've been so loyal, Eric.

Once I sell that factory,

I promise there will be no more hamburger for lunch.

And I'll pay you back every franc I owe you.

With interest, I hope.

What's this?

We have less than a month

to raise the money for the back taxes.

Otherwise, the government will confiscate the estate,

the factory, everything.

Oh, and the gardener has to be paid.

We need to keep up appearances.

Oh, my God.

If my ancestors were alive today,

they'd strip me of my title

and send me to Devil's Island.

Eric: Calm down. Calm down.

This weekend at the spa will do wonders for you.

It always does.

Dr. Kwan knows how to work magic.

You'll come back relaxed, clear-headed, confident,

everything that a Count de la Bonbon should be.

It's our last chance, Eric.

We have to sell to this cowboy,

and nothing must stand in our way.

Nothing will, sir.

Ready?

Ready.

Ready.

He's coming!

Ingrates.

One bad year...

and they turn on you like a pack of wild dogs.

It was just a little high-spirited.

I hope they calm down before the Texan gets here.

I doubt that.

Remember what they did to the others.

They terrorized the Saudis, they booted out the Japanese,

and the German?

Mm-mmm.

Chocolate can be so evil.

Oh, God! It's Lucretia.

Eric, she's here!

Calm down.

Calm down.

It's the third time this week

you've hallucinated about seeing your ex-wife.

The Countess is in Italy.

She's not in St. Bernard.

But she knows about witchcraft, Eric.

She could be in two places at once.

Every time I shut my eyes,

Lucretia haunts me like a vision from Hell.

Well, the Countess does know how to make an impression.

Oh, la Contessa.

La Contessa.

Woman: Lucretia, please stop that nonsense.

How could he do that to me?

He's the only man that ever refused me.

He didn't refuse you. He divorced you.

And if I remember correctly, you went along with it.

But I really didn't mean that.

I was having a bad day.

Oh, Lucretia.

You got a nice settlement from him,

almost as nice as from your first three husbands.

But I don't care about that. I care about him.

Oh, my poor dear.

You'd be so disappointed by now.

My sources tell me that your little Hubert

isn't at all what he used to be.

All he does is drink,

and cry and cry and drink.

Oh!

He can't sell his chocolate factory.

He's so depressed,

and so sad and...

impotent.

Oh, dio mio.

I've robbed him of his manhood.

Ah, my poor child.

I know you can be very passionate,

but what I can't understand

is why you keep on torturing yourself

over this-- this...

Frenchman.

I know I made his life hell.

Together we're like-- like fire and water,

like vinegar and oil,

like...

Tom and Jerry?

Mm-hmm.

There is one important thing, Mother,

that you should understand.

I love that man, and I'm going back to France.

Woman on PA: Announcing the arrival

of TWA flight number 48...

- What kind of plane is it? - It's an airbus.

You've flown it hundreds of times.

Mm.

Oh, Eric.

I really don't like to fly.

I could take the train.

It's only a 45-minute flight.

There's nothing to it at all.

You'll be home Sunday in time for tea.

Uh, uh.

Oh.

Oh!

Wow.

Excuse me, sir.

- Hey! - Hey!

Yah!

Eric: Thank you.

Are you all right, miss?

Yeah.

Oh, it's all in the wrist.

Hello.

Wouldn't you rather ride in a Rolls-Royce?

Uh, thanks, but no thanks.

No.

- Move! - What?

Move it!

I'm trying to pick up this girl

to give her a nice ride in my car.

She looked lonely...

Ah.

Hello.

Looks like you've been in a shoot-out.

Have dinner with me. I'll tell you all about it.

No. It doesn't look very safe to me.

You can take care of yourself.

Fine, daddy.

Yes, I'm calling the Count right now.

I hope we can wrap this up over the weekend.

What?

Yes, I'll try to have some fun just for you.

I promise.

All right. I love you. Bye.

Monsieur Ferrier, so good to see you.

- Beauregard. - How is the Count?

As jittery as ever, Beauregard.

Something I can do for you?

As a matter of fact, there is.

An American woman just checked in here.

Ah, the lady blonde.

She was just at the commissary.

Oh, no, no, Not this time, Beauregard.

This time I'm the interested party.

Oh, I see.

In that case, might I suggest, uh, orchids?

You've reached the estate of Hubert de la Canelle.

I'm away for the weekend.

Please leave a message after the beep.

Yes, I'm calling to confirm your Monday appointment

with BJ Cassidy at the factory.

Ooh.

Gorgeous.

Can you put them over there, please?

So you sold imperial goose livers just in time.

I wish I'd met you a week ago.

I'd be a lot richer today.

Eric: Want a hot tip?

Always.

Consolidated escargot.

Consolidated escargot?

- Mm-hmm. - No thanks.

I wouldn't touch that company for anything.

Mm, mark my words, Elizabeth.

It's gonna split on Monday.

I bet you it doesn't.

I bet you $100 U.S. it does.

You're on.

So tell me, what exactly do you do for a living?

Why is it that every American sneaks that into

their very first conversation with someone?

Well, then I'm as American as they come.

Don't change a thing.

I'm a dabbler.

I, uh...

dabble.

Mostly, I manage someone's investments.

And you?

I run a small company in the southwest.

I'm a troubleshooter.

That means you're the one who's the trouble.

So the judge says, "You shot your first wife in Leon...

Mm-hmm.

...and buried your second wife in Marseilles,

but who is this woman who's in the courtroom

and calling on your name?"

He says, "She's my third wife, Your Honor.

She's from Bordeaux."

A bluebeard.

It turns out he had 12 wives

across the country.

And what about you? Any wives anywhere?

No. Not that I know of.

You?

Oh, no, no wives anywhere.

- What about the "L" word? - Love?

Yes.

Have you ever been in love?

Yeah, a few times.

It seems I have the gift for always picking the women

who want to be saved.

And all the men I ever meet want to save me from myself.

Do you think there's hope for either of us?

Oh, I'm sure.

Two perfect people like us

are bound to find the right person one day.

Don't you think?

Of course.

- So, what do you think? - It's wonderful.

It's a part of Paris that maybe, uh,

maybe people don't see.

Yes.

Do you shoot pool?

Oh, I love to play pool.

Well, there's something new you might like.

Man: Oh, no.

I'd better quit while I'm behind.

Um, would you like a loan?

Uh...no, thank you.

What do you say we call it a night?

Tsk.

Not when I'm winning.

All or nothing.

My sentiments exactly.

Yeah!

What the?

Do you always win?

Yes.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Spend tomorrow with me, huh?

I'll pick you up at 10:00.

Say yes or I'll think you don't like me.

Yes.

I think the orchids were persuasive, sir.

Not quite enough, Beauregard.

This time make it yellow roses.

- Yellow? - Mm-hmm.

Okay.

He came here four months ago.

- Is Beauregard here? - No, madam.

Ah, Contessa.

Welcome back again.

How is Bridgette? The children?

Very well, thank you. Your suite is ready.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Thanks.

Why-- why is this locked?

Ah, this is another room.

What?

- Lucretia? - Bridgette Cassidy.

I don't believe it.

Oh, but this is much better than mine.

But look, you look gorgeous.

Mm, thank you.

Bridgette, you filled out.

I haven't seen you since

graduation day at Montecito.

Are you still with the Duke?

No, ancient history, darling.

I've been married three times since then.

Now, why is it that doesn't surprise me a bit?

So, what brings you to Paris?

- A man. - Money.

The next best thing. I should have known.

You've always been so practical.

And you?

Mm...

a matter of life and death.

Man: Et deux! Et deux!

Et deux!

Et deux!

Et deux!

The dream book was a great idea, Dr. Kwan,

but I still can't get Lucretia out of my mind.

Breathe.

It should get your chi flowing

and alleviate the tension causing your nightmares.

Hubert: Lucretia turns up in my dreams

in the most vivid ways.

A black mamba snake,

a barracuda, a killer shark...

always a monster of some sort.

And yet, I'm drawn to her dark beauty.

The Countess is a stunning woman.

Like in a fairytale,

I think my love will transform her.

Then I kiss her

and she slaps me between two pieces of toast

and eats me for breakfast.

What can I do?

Admit you still love her

or find yourself a substitute.

A substitute?

There is no substitute for Lucretia.

You suffer from a variety of stress-related syndromes,

not the least of which is sexual inferiority.

We must work on your lower chakra.

My chakra is fine.

- Everything is related. - Ah!

The stomach, the head, the mental, the physical.

You have to unload all your excess garbage.

Throw it away.

Throw it away.

Now...

let's get to the heart of the matter.

Aah!

It's so beautiful up there.

Yes.

You know, a couple of years ago,

somebody wanted to tear it down.

I hope they ran him out of town.

Speaking of out of town,

I know a little place.

In 1453,

King Louis the Rebel vowed to trample to death

the emperors of France.

One night, he woke up in a sweat...

- What is he saying? - Eric: I don't know.

He's speaking English.

...his body covered with livid welts,

as if he had been flagellated in his sleep...

- "Flaga" what? - Eric: "Flagenated."

I hate when that happens.

King Louis... befriended monks, and built the abbey

as penance for his sins against the church.

Right this way.

Oh, yes.

Ah-ha.

Can you imagine being a monk

and taking a vow of, um,

- poverty... - Whew.

...and obedience,

- and chastity. - Ah, chastity.

That's the one that'll kill you.

Isn't this very naughty?

Yes, but I don't mind!

Oh, shit! I mean...

Shit!

Don't be afraid!

I'm a people kind of guy.

Yeah, well, we got to go.

Come on!

Let me show you the dungeon!

Oh, please, come back!

I'm just an old, old ghost.

- Is he gone? - I don't know.

Ah-- Whoa!

No!

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Well, I don't know about you, but of all the come-ons

that was definitely my first ghost.

Eric: Well, I can't blame him for trying, huh?

You know, you look kind of cute in a dress.

Thank you very much.

Uh, you're not, uh,

trying to take advantage of me, are you?

- Unh-uh. - Oh.

They have rooms here at the inn.

Do they?

Would you like to stay overnight?

Well, if you're trying to take advantage of me,

you might just have a ghost of a chance.

Father, the brown monk hasn't appeared in years.

Just what did he say?

I couldn't eat another bite.

Just one more thing.

A little surprise.

Close your eyes.

Open up.

The food of the gods.

Mm, mmm. I love these.

You know, I'm going to buy a...

Mmm, these are good.

It's good for you.

Did you know that chocolate

is an aphrodisiac?

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

How many do you have in there?

Enough for the whole night.

There they are now.

The Contessa has come back.

This is worse than I thought.

He sold the Fragonard.

What happened to the Lalique?

Mama was right.

He's flipped his biscotti.

Hello, Gedeon.

Aah!

Monsieur La Monte, you scared me!

Still an old watchdog, aren't you?

Good morning, Contessa.

Gedeon.

Mm, pico cane.

"My dream book, by Hubert de la Canelle."

Dream #325?

"I'm swimming peacefully in a quiet lagoon

when suddenly a ferocious shark appears, bites my head off.

Is wearing Lucretia's pearl necklace."

Dream #582.

"A serene and a luscious picnic on the edge of the forest.

A mamba snake slithers out of the bushes

and bites me viciously on the leg.

He says, 'Thank you' with Lucretia's voice."

Eric: Bonjour, madam.

Good morning.

I have the International "Harold Tribune,"

the "Wall Street Journal,"

fresh squeezed orange juice, three-minute egg,

croissant, and coffee-- strong.

You sound like a professional.

- Do you do this often? - Daily.

Mm.

So, you have a healthy appetite.

Mm.

I thought you liked that about me.

I love that about you.

Are there anymore truffles?

Um, let me see.

So, what do you think?

You know, I've heard about the flea market in Paris.

- Look! - I've just never been.

- You like this? - No.

But I want to see this.

Hello.

How much for the blue one, please?

1,000 francs.

Sterling silver,

and one of a kind.

Highway robbery.

- No, you think so? - Hmm.

800.

That's as low as I go.

Merci.

So, where are we going now?

Back to the hotel.

Oh. Yes?

I'm afraid not.

I have a business engagement

that I'm afraid I can't break.

On Sunday?

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

I'll see you for dinner then.

I'm sorry, but I can't.

Oh.

I see.

Elizabeth, it's not what you think.

Well, just what do I think?

Well...

Elizabeth, I-- uh...

Look, it's all right.

Eric, I had a lovely day. Thank you very much.

That's it?

- That's all? - I guess so.

That's it. That's all.

But-- but...

Ah, there you are, you naughty girl.

You didn't come home last night.

I know. I called.

Was it magic?

Something like that.

Oh.

Out all night, but not glowing.

Shopping, not happy.

What did he do to you?

Now what is it with men, Lucretia?

They are babies and our job is to keep their diapers dry.

You know, I just thought he was...

something real.

Mm.

They are real. That's the problem.

I should know,

four husbands and three sons.

You? I don't believe it.

This is my little Bobby surfing.

He's living with Darren in Malibu.

This is Hans, Jr. with the Von Hapsburgs at camp,

a day at the vineyards.

And this is my little bambino Carlito and his polo pony.

Ha, ha. And where's big Carlos?

Fat and happy in Caracas.

But where's number four? I don't see him here.

That's the man of my life.

Big scandals, big headlines,

the Pope annulled him.

But he can't forget me,

and I came back to let bygones go bye-bye,

as you Americans say,

and start once again from dirt.

- Scratch. - Yes, I know.

Oh!

You love Eiffel Towers.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, after girls school I went to Princeton

and spent some time on Wall Street,

and then Daddy called me back to run the Double-C.

He's retired and I'm president now.

I have a lot of friends--

Ah, lovely.

Where did you get this?

I guess your real man has good taste.

Eric: So, did you have

a wonderful weekend at the spa?

Ah, I'm starving.

The only thing Dr. Kwan would let me eat was sprouts.

That man likes to torture me.

How was your weekend?

- Lovely. - Mm.

Any word from the Texan?

His secretary called.

He'll be at the factory tomorrow at noon.

Wonderful.

I have a good feeling about this cowboy.

Listen to what my horoscope says.

"Mercury is now receding

and Venus is rising.

Love and money are in the wind."

Love and money, Eric.

My favorite combination.

Just tell me who he is

and I'll have someone get him, tie him up,

and bring him to your room

if that's the way you want him?

Oh, Lucretia, I don't know what I want.

Besides, I don't have time for this.

I have a deal to close.

Yep.

Well, don't worry. He will call.

And when he does, you must pretend to be very, very busy.

Yes, well, I'm not very good at playing games.

All I know is that for the first time

a man has me kind of bothered.

And now you must do the bothering.

- And how do I do that? - I don't know.

You...

you toy with him like one of your big deals.

Um, put him on hold, lie about the figures,

cheat.

You're such a pro, Lucretia.

Si, cara.

And I always play to win.

Just where are you going in that get-up?

- Into the ring. - Against who?

Husband number four for a rematch.

Good god. It's me.

Monsieur La Monte?

Looks like they didn't get into anything

but the kitchen and the bar.

Ah.

I'll change the locks the first thing in the morning.

Mm, it's bad enough those vandals plague me on the roads,

but right here in my own home?

A man's castle is his castle, damn it.

What do they want from me?

- Blood. - Well,

they're not going to get it.

De la Canelle never shied away from controversy.

Remember the Dupont rebellion,

the Fromage mutiny,

Napoleon's Russian campaign.

If I remember correctly,

your great-great uncle refused to serve.

Exactly.

An unpopular stand at the time,

but he stuck to his guns.

I have a family tradition to uphold here,

and I'll be damned

if I let a few rabble-rousing

truffle-dippers get the better of me.

I can sell St. Bernard to whomever I want.

Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.

I'm ready.

See who that is, will you?

Amore.

Amore.

- Miss me? - Where did you get that?

Give it back to me. It's my book!

You want it? You take it.

Leave me alone.

Eric, call the police!

I'm your wife. You can't refuse me.

Not anymore.

Oh, we made love like fruit flies.

Four, five-- ten times a day.

I know. I am happy to be alive.

I read your little book.

I'm your great white shark.

I'm your mamba snake.

Admit it.

You want me back just as much as I do you.

Hardly. Hardly.

If you're so horny,

call up one of your studs and have a tumble.

Isn't that how you met Hans?

The only thing Hans was good for was paying the bills.

Ha, ha. Money.

Now we get down to the real reason you're here.

Why must you persist, darling,

in seeing me as a money-grubbing schemer?

But why else would you come crawling back

dressed like Mata Hari?

You ungrateful maggot.

I came back here to give you love, hope, support.

Of course, a full bank account is better than an empty one,

but love counts for more.

I threw it all away for you, and what do I get?

A slap in the face.

That's a thought.

You're not exactly Mister Honesty yourself.

What about this--

your crying party when you're about

to sell your stupid chocolate factory.

I don't want your money. I want your love.

I want to marry you. Remarry you, that is.

What? Oh, no!

You're not getting your fangs into me again.

Ooh! Lucretia!

Lucretia!

Ah, Contessa.

You staying for dinner?

No, thank you. I'm leaving.

But I be back.

Look at her, Eric.

Still as wonderful as ever.

Good things last forever.

Mmm.

It smells like home.

- Hello. - Hello.

Can you please tell me

how to get to the chocolate factory?

Man: Hear that?

The lady wants the direction to the factory.

And who might you be, darling?

Well, sweet thing, who wants to know?

- Half the town. - Right.

BJ Cassidy, Dallas, Texas.

Yee-Haw!

What's your business here, baby?

- I bet it's none of yours. - Hear that?

None of our business.

Well, it just happens to be our business.

Calamity Jane here wants a little chocolate.

You better watch it, huh?

We would just hate to see you get hurt.

Just tell me where the damn factory is.

Down the road about 200 yards, miss.

Thanks for the friendly welcome.

Sorry.

Uh, yes. I'd like to leave a message.

Is Beauregard there, please?

Thank you.

Ah.

Madam Verna, when you're finished with those,

do something about the desk, will you?

The desk.

Madam Verna...

when you're finished with those,

do something about the desk, will you?

Madam Verna!

Yeah.

Love and money, Madam Verna.

I can feel it. Come on.

Two dozen roses this time.

Thank you, Beauregard

Eric?

Eric.

Eric.

Eric.

Oh, Eric.

- Cowboy is here. - What?

The cowboy is here.

I'd better head him off at the pass.

Uh, yippee-ki-yo ki-yay.

I'll give him the grand tour and talk him into dinner,

and then have him drive me back to the castle.

And when you get home,

I'll have your favorite supper waiting for you.

- Roast duck. - Excellent.

And let the bottle breathe a bit.

Uh, sorry. The Japanese finished it off,

but we still have the bottles.

I'll fill them with something we can afford.

Right. A Texan will never know the difference.

This is it, Eric, high noon.

- Wish me luck. - Hey.

Just keep smiling.

The Americans love their French jovial.

You must be a very good foreman

to have been here for 15 years.

Like my father before me.

But it looks like you've really

battened down the hatches around here.

And not without reason, miss.

Those people you saw in the cafe,

they have nothing better to do

than scare off anyone who tries to buy the factory.

Why don't you do something about it?

Not sure what we could do.

Most of the town doesn't want the factory sold.

Why? If it shuts down, there'd be no jobs left at all.

Fear of the unknown, miss.

They're scared of what a foreign owner might do.

They might do like they did with the London Bridge,

take the whole place down brick by brick

and make the truffles in another country

while keeping only the name.

Then they lose out for sure.

Then why don't they support the Count?

Without being disloyal, miss,

chocolate truffles may be in the Count's blood,

but they're not in his brain.

He just doesn't know how to manage things.

Things have to change,

and people are afraid of change.

It's a tough one, miss.

Where is he?

- Who, sir? - The Texan.

That would be me, BJ Cassidy.

It's very good to meet you.

Oh, forgive me.

I-- I had no idea

you were a blonde female person.

It happens all the time.

Well...

shall we talk turkey?

Uh, we-- we're having duck, actually.

I'm sorry. I mean, business.

Oh. So do I, my dear. So do I.

Allow me to give you the royal tour, huh?

Eric: Jean-Pierre!

Tell the Count that I'm leaving.

How are things going with the Texan?

Hard to tell.

I think the Count was a bit surprised.

He's got to score with this one.

He's trying.

Believe me.

Then one of my ancestors,

I believe it was Louis the Luscious,

went to Mexico and found a recipe for truffles.

You know, "chocolate" is actually an Aztec word.

Is that so?

Anyway, uh, the rest is history.

What's your annual yield?

Pardon me?

How many truffles do you make in a year?

Oh, many. Uh, J.P.!

Yes, sir.

How many truffles a year?

Tons.

We have the figures in the office

if you'd like to take a look.

I would. Thank you.

It's a most unusual building.

- How are sales? - Down.

Uh...up.

I mean, we're always slightly down in the summer

- and then things pick up. - Uh-huh.

I'd like to have a look at your market research reports.

The computer's on the blink.

Mm, darn technology.

What good is that-- I mean, everything on a floppy disk,

if you can't play the damn thing?

Who handles your insurance policy?

I'd like to give them a call.

No need.

We're one big happy family.

I believe in the private sector.

If something goes wrong,

then I pay for it out of my own pocket.

Ah!

A tragedy in the workplace, they come right to me.

Begging your pardon, Count.

Aren't they childish?

Come. Come.

I've got a live one here, J.P.

The factory is as good as sold.

It's absurd, sir.

Crowd: Cowboy, go home!

Why don't I drive and you take in the scenery?

Sounds good to me.

Oh, and thank you, J.P.

Mm-hmm.

Bye.

Charming for an American, don't you think?

Hubert: And there is the creamery.

Have you lived here all your life?

Hubert: Every waking moment.

I'm not one of those aristocrats who packs up everything

and moves to Majorca when it drizzles.

Mm-hmm.

I believe in, uh, upholding tradition.

Uh-huh. Then how can you sell St. Bernard?

Progress demands a changing of the guard.

What was once a sacred family tradition

must now enter the realm of global economics.

Uh-huh.

And that's where you come in, Miss Cassidy.

Okay.

I know that no reward comes without

exacting personal toll.

For me, the sale of St. Bernard

resonates like a changing tide

in the charted course of my destiny.

I had no idea you were so attached.

I'll be frank.

This town, these good people,

they're my blood.

But...

they all hate me.

Oh! They are everywhere.

All right. My turn to be straight.

I want St. Bernard. How much?

How much have you got?

Are these friends of yours?

Step on it!

All right. Quick. Move over!

Buckle up!

Clear off the road, man!

Oh, that was fun!

Ah. Good.

Oh, oh! Miss Cassidy!

Old tennis injury, I'm afraid.

- You look like a nice horse. - Oh, I can't go on.

Save yourself!

Have my chauffer come for me.

Oh, nonsense.

Wait just a second.

All right.

Hello. Oh.

- Okay? - Yeah.

I hope they're not after us.

Hang on.

- There you are. - Oh, thanks.

Where's your telephone?

I think we should call the police.

I have a pretty good idea who those two punks might be.

Oh, not to worry, my dear.

I'll have my man take care of everything.

Eric?

Shall I have a look at your ankle?

No, no, really. I-- I'll be fine.

Don't worry. Just relax.

Okay.

Oh!

Hubert: However did you do it?

It's all in the wrist.

Oh, Miss Cassidy. I'd like you to meet my man,

Eric Ferrier.

Eric, can you believe my luck?

This is the Texan.

It's my pleasure.

Eric, the most dreadful thing happened.

Hoodlums on the road,

Miss Cassidy's car is a total loss.

I'll do the necessaries.

Well, uh, now...

Mm-- oh, that's great.

Oh, if you excuse me. I must dress for dinner.

I'm sure Miss Cassidy wants to freshen up.

Eric, show our guest to her rooms.

My dear.

Both: Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, a small company in the southwest.

I suppose you think IBM is small.

Wait a minute. You're supposed to be a dabbler.

I wasn't dabbling. I do manage his money,

but you weren't being exactly honest with me.

I never lie.

Lying by omission. It's the same thing.

I think you had better show me to my room, Eric.

Gladly, madam.

So how much of a bonus do you get

for buttering up the Count's clients?

You don't understand.

I had no idea you were Cassidy Corporation.

Oh, sure.

You must like picking up strange women at airports

and spending long weekends with them.

Now that's not fair.

Besides, why would I come out of the woodwork now?

Wouldn't that spoil my plan,

if I had a plan?

I haven't figured that out yet.

I know. You're an industrial spy.

- Ha-ha, yes. - Hubert: Hello.

Oh.

Everything all right in here?

Oh, just fine. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, dinner is at eight.

Don't be late.

- Ciao. - Ciao.

Listen to me.

Meeting you had nothing to do with the Count.

Besides, how do I know you weren't using me

to get insider information?

That's ridiculous.

Hm.

Why didn't you call me?

I did.

All day long.

And there isn't a flower left in Paris

that's not in your room.

Well then, what are you doing with the Count, anyway?

Supporting him.

My family has worked for his family for generations.

He and I went to Monte Carlo to celebrate his divorce.

Hm?

- He lost all his money... - Hm.

- ...and I won big. - Hm.

Your basic reversal of fortunes.

So then, he went on a bender to drown his sorrows.

I couldn't leave him even if I did have all that money.

No.

I've been playing the stock market with it,

investing wisely,

fortunately...

Mm-hmm.

...and bankrolling him ever since.

So then that Count must owe you a bundle?

Yeah, well...

And you want him to get rid of the factory right away.

Oh, I don't want him to get rid of it at all.

But why?

There's tradition here.

He can't just give the factory away to anyone

who steps off the plane.

Making chocolate truffles is an art form.

And the Count may not realize this,

but he'd die if he wasn't somehow connected to this place.

Now... now I'm looking for

a partnership with the buyer,

whoever that is,

that way we can keep the factory here.

We can maintain the quality.

We can control the situation.

- Control? - Hm.

Well, don't get your hopes up yet.

This deal hasn't gone your way yet.

But, Elizabeth--

I think you'd better go now.

Oh, more wine?

- No, thank you. - I'm fine.

Now, about the St. Bernard appraisal.

Well, it was valued at $20 million.

Oh, no, thank you. I'm fine.

The South African offered me 18.

But of course I had to turn them down--

the apartheid and all that.

But you're an American,

an attractive one, I might add.

So, I could sleep at night

if you bought St. Bernard for $15 million.

Count, your fax said 10.

My fax? What fax?

The car rental company

can't deliver a car for Miss Cassidy till the morning.

So, I'll drive her back to Paris after supper.

No, oh.

You know, I've never really spent the night

in a real castle before.

You wouldn't mind if I stayed, would you, Hubert?

Not at all, BJ.

Eric, serve the dessert, quickly.

Oh, chocolate soufflé.

But you're being very naughty, Hubert.

Everyone knows chocolate is an aphrodisiac.

Don't you think you're laying in on just a little thick?

Anymore over there? Eric?

I'll check.

Mm-mm.

Mm.

You be careful, huh?

You don't do anything that you'll regret.

Regret? Are you blind?

She's gorgeous.

I'm talking about the factory.

Mm, Eric.

When I'm done with her,

she'll be begging to buy St. Bernard for a fortune.

Let go! Let me go!

I'm a big boy.

I can manhandle myself.

Hmm.

Onward to the fray!

Good night, Eric.

Good night, Mr. La Monte.

Be careful not to hurt yourself.

Hubert, you're drunk. Go to bed.

Oh, Hubert.

Ugh.

I have nothing to say to you.

Quite right. "The business of America is business."

Calvin Coolidge, I think, wasn't it?

You certainly took care of business last night,

Miss Cassidy, huh?

Oh, that's none of your business.

Oh, I intend to make it my business.

You'll never get St. Bernard now,

not if I had anything to do with it.

Not at any price.

Um, last time I checked the books,

St. Bernard was owned by Hubert.

Looks like he's going to have to choose between you and me.

You'll find your employer upstairs

with a massive hangover.

Tell him to call me anytime.

You enjoy giving the orders, don't you, Elizabeth?

Let me tell you something,

pants may look good on a modern woman,

but macho doesn't.

Try a skirt on for size sometime.

You may like the fit.

Oh, you owe me $100 U.S.

Is that what you charge for your services?

Consolidated escargot--

it split.

The check's in the mail.

Good morning!

The sun is shining.

The birds are singing.

The stocks are splitting.

And all is right with the world.

Oh, good God. Spare me.

She's not here.

She left.

When?

Oh, I don't remember.

I must have been too much for her.

That's hard to believe.

Uh, Eric.

Women like that are insatiable.

Last night was wild,

and I have a feeling that's one cowgirl

who will be back in the saddle again.

You didn't sign anything, I hope.

A deal, for instance?

Mm, first the lady,

then the deal.

Oh, by the way, Eric,

did you know Miss Cassidy was a natural blonde?

Oh, my head is splitting.

Eric, be a sport and rub me down, will you?

Ah, come on.

- Come on, Eric. - Lucretia: Psst!

- Come on. - Shh!

Could you start it?

Ah.

Harder.

Oh, that's better.

I can't tell you.

You're the best set of hands

I've ever known.

Ah, make that the second best.

Lucretia was a Medusa,

but she knew what a woman's hands were for.

Ugh!

Lucretia!

Buongiorno.

How did you get here?

By the full authority of the church...

and a judge.

He wants me never to leave you.

- What? - Liberally speaking, I mean.

The divorce papers are clear.

We are partners.

Partners?

And I won't approve your buyer unless I hear wedding bells.

Our wedding bells, that is.

It's either me or the poorhouse.

My little tortellini.

Lucretia.

You're evil.

Who was in that bed? Do you have another woman?

Huh?

Poison. Obsession.

It's Opium!

Who was here?

No, no, I swear.

There's never been anyone but you.

You pig.

It's just like you

to take two women in the same sheets.

Ah!

Lucretia!

Lucretia.

Ugh! Lucretia!

No! Lucre-- Lucretia!

It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Oh, Eric! Eric! Help me!

Is everything all right?

Madam?

It couldn't be better, caro.

Just as I thought.

The look on the Count's face

when we run them off the road?

Priceless.

Yeah, but we should be really careful, you know?

We should have a plan.

- A plan? - Yeah.

What do you mean about a plan?

Why are we terrorizing the Comte's buyers?

- Because it's fun. - Yeah, right.

Except we have to think about our old age retirement

before we end up like her, hmm?

So what are we gonna do?

If the lady cowboy buys the factory,

the Count will get his money, right?

Yeah, sure.

Then he goes back to Monte Carlo,

and he's gonna lose it all again.

Wrong.

'Cause we're gonna pay the Count a little visit first, right?

Right.

Thanks, darling.

Rest in peace.

- Well? - I don't know.

I just can't concentrate on anything today.

Are you still thinking about your chauffer?

Mm-hmm.

- Hello. - Good afternoon.

So I see this one and the watch, please.

Yes, with pleasure.

Would you care to sit down?

I guess blue collar can be sexy.

Yes, but not when they're jealous.

He works with this man I'm trying to close this deal with,

and he thinks we're having an affair.

- And are you? - No.

But I might.

I could even end up a Countess like you, Lucretia.

Look out. Anyone I know?

I doubt it.

You're not the chocolate truffle type.

Chocolate truffle?

And this Count, you're interested in him?

Oh, I don't know.

But why not?

Daddy's always nagging me about settling down

and having children,

and the Count's a lot of fun.

But what about the chauffer? You said you liked him.

Yes, but then I can marry the Count just to spite him.

He just makes me so angry.

In fact, I can perhaps arrange your deal

and help you get what you really want after all.

Oh, Eric.

Ho!

Come, Gedeon.

That's all right.

Come on, Eric. Drive.

Just leave me alone!

Stop! Stop! Stop that!

Eric!

Will you stop it?

Help me, Eric! Help me!

Help me!

Will you stop this? Eric!

Eric, help! Move, Eric!

Will you let me go? I am the Count!

Away! Away!

Move on!

Oh, for God's sake, Eric.

Why didn't you help me?

Why, just last night,

you said you were a big boy

and could manhandle yourself, Hubert.

Oh, Eric.

What does the bank of Liechtenstein pay on $7 million?

Jeez.

What do you think, Miss?

They're delicious.

It's a miracle the factory is still standing at all.

John Pierre,

please go in and round up the town

and ask them to meet me at the bar in the square

in an hour.

Do you think that's wise?

It's worth a try.

Fine, Miss.

Good morning, Count.

Hubert, come in.

We have a lot to talk about.

I know.

It was thunder. It was lightning.

More like a wet firecracker.

- Pardon? - Look.

There are so many holes in these books,

no wonder the government is about to foreclose.

Lies. All lies.

Who told you?

Now, let's get one thing straight.

I do want your factory, but only at a fair price.

Americans.

Can't handle sex.

It's all here in this contract.

A $7 million bank-to-bank transfer

for your broken-down factory,

and this $1 million cash incentive payment for goodwill.

Oh, that's a lot of incentive.

But that isn't all.

I might even entertain the idea

that you ask my daddy for my hand.

Marriage?

Really?

You really did get to paradise last night, huh?

Didn't-- didn't you?

But you only have until 8:00 pm tomorrow to decide.

If you're interested,

come to me with this contract signed and sealed.

If not,

you can kiss the deal, this million dollars,

and your little Texan good-bye.

Madam Verna, please hold all my calls.

Mm-hmm.

Love and money.

I promise you, the Cassidy Corporation

doesn't want to see anyone lose their jobs...

Prove it!

because I've got a labor contract right here

that's ten times better than anything

the Count's given you in years.

Anything looks good on paper!

How we going to let some tourist

take over your life?

I don't want to take over anybody's life.

We just want to see the factory get back on its feet.

Read it carefully.

We're offering benefits,

credit union, pension plans, scholarships, everything.

And I'm not finished yet.

You do for St. Bernard Truffles,

and St. Bernard Truffles will do for you.

Whoever signs with me here today

gets a cut in the profits and shares in the company.

We're going to take Truffles public.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm ready for my catch of the profits now.

- Aren't you, Gaston? - Absolutely.

Oh, Eric.

Don't forget to remind me about my appointment

with Miss Cassidy, will you?

Eric?

Eric, what's wrong with you?

- Me? - Yeah.

You're not your own cheerful self.

Ha! That's fine talk

coming from a man who thinks with his loins.

What are you talking about?

That cowgirl is taking you for a ride.

Oh, come on.

You're just a little jealous because I slept with her

and you didn't.

I did.

You did.

You did?

The Texan?

You-- you and her--

You two...?

I...

I don't believe it.

It doesn't matter what you believe.

The fact of the matter is

she seduced your chauffer first...

sire.

Well, that does put a new light on things.

If I wasn't a more decent human being,

I'd break your neck right now.

Take her. She means nothing to me.

Oh, good God.

I had no idea, Eric.

I'd never let a woman interfere with our special bond,

not with all we've been through together.

You must believe me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, Hubert.

It's just that the thought

of that American hussy getting St. Bernard

and for such a measly price!

It curdles my stomach!

Oh. Here.

No, merci.

She doesn't even know what she's buying.

St. Bernard isn't just a factory,

it's a tradition, a family heritage.

It's the last vestige of a glorious past, for God's sake!

True. True.

I know you must feel desperate right now,

but you're too clever

to let her take it out from underneath you.

Eric...

a million dollars in cash.

It's the only offer we've got.

Yes, but don't forget, we have until 8:00.

You give me the day and I'll...

and I'll come up with something.

You're right, Eric.

St. Bernard is priceless.

It's even more expensive.

All: Hip hip hooray!

But I've never played soccer.

I have played touch football.

Does that count?

Good enough for me.

Please tell me, miss,

will you be running the factory yourself?

Ah, yes. At least until we're out of the red.

And I'd love an excuse to spend some more time here.

It kind of reminds me of a little town I grew up in.

- Do you have a pony? - Oh, yes.

I live on a ranch and we have lots of ponies.

For Miss BJ Cassidy.

Good afternoon, Mr. Ferrier.

Miss Cassidy is out, I'm afraid.

I'm not interested in Miss Cassidy.

It's the Countess I want to see.

Ah. Okay.

- Shh, shh, shh! - What the hell?

You're gonna be a nice little Count,

and you're gonna shut up, all right?

Shut up.

I know how loyal you are to him,

almost as much as I am, and I...

I also know how much money he owes you.

And we both know he's an idiot when it comes to business.

Yes, but the American doesn't know that.

What we need to do is find someone, anyone,

who will drive up the price.

That way we'll make a little money,

but we can control the situation

and not lose the factory.

So, you want me to pull a millionaire out of my hat

- to raise the price? - Exactly.

What we need now is a bidding war.

You want some champagne?

No, thank you.

But you'll never get away with this.

I'm a Count.

For God's sake, an aristocrat!

You're right.

But don't you remember

what we did to the aristocrats

during the revolution?

Tell me more about this offer that's on your table.

I hear the Texan is quite beautiful.

Mm, yeah, well...

uh...

I suppose. If you like...

beautiful blondes that...

have deep blue eyes that glisten in the sun

when they smile.

It sounds more than just attractive.

It sounds like you're in love.

In love?

Nonsense.

She's nothing but a double-crossing--

But what about if she were honest,

if she came clean, as they say?

No, no. It's impossible.

All she cares about is money.

I'm sure all you mean is business

and so do I.

Then you'll do it?

Oh, of course.

I know just the right person to play your wheeler-dealer.

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, Countess, thank you very much.

I knew that I can count on you.

Listen. Tonight, Hubert is going to meet the American.

How about you and your, uh, buyer join us?

Okay. That's fine.

Thank you. Bye.

Thank you.

You really won them over.

The whole town is for you now.

I hope you're right, Jean-Pierre.

You know, it's really funny.

I thought I would just come into town

and throw down some money

and bring home another trophy for the corporate wall.

But, I don't know, St. Bernard is different.

The town, the people...

I think even the Count deserves a break.

Things have quieted down already.

What about those two punks?

Not to worry.

Dede and Gaston can't stir up anything now.

I do not negotiate with terrorists.

Is that so? Well, listen to that.

Your money or your life.

But-- but I have not got a cent to my name.

I'm in debt up to my ears.

Really! Ask anyone.

I'm a total fraud.

- What about the factory? - Yeah.

I can't unload it to save my life.

I've laid-off half the town

and I still can't make ends meet.

Hah! Everybody hates me.

Come on, go ahead. Kill me!

Do the town a favor!

Ah, come on. Stop the waterworks, Count.

We know you'll be selling the thing to the Texan.

So, you just tell me how much. How much?

For-- for a million dollars.

Take the wife to Ritz,

send the kids to the Sorbonne!

Buy a caravan, see the world...

- just let me go! - Stop!

You're lying.

You're lying through your teeth, Count,

and I don't like that.

You better tell me the truth

before I start mailing sushi to your loved ones, right?

No, no!

Okay, okay, okay.

- $7 million. Satisfied? - $7 million?

- Is that all there is? - Uh, there's the cash.

- What cash? - A million in cash.

A million in cash?

I told you that it would pay off.

Where are you supposed to meet the cowgirl?

I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

I give her the contract

and she gives me the million dollars.

If I'm not there at 8:00 sharp,

the deal is off.

Don't worry, my friend, you'll be there right on time.

And we'll be there right beside you to get the cash.

Oh, sure.

Eric!

Eric! Eric!

Eric!

Gaston: Let's get out of here!

Hubert: Eric!

Hubert: Where are we going, Eric?

Eric: I've got to get to the hair solon.

It's not the time to get your hair cut.

Hubert: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Eric: That's where I've got to meet my buyer.

Oh, easy, Eric.

I can't close the deal with anyone if I'm dead.

Just promise me you won't sign anything

till you talk to my buyer.

Yeah. Where's my shirt?

We forgot my shirt.

What a day.

Oh. Damn police.

Where were they this morning when I needed them?

Eric, are you crazy?

No, just in a hurry.

Lucretia, thank God you're here.

Where else would I be?

Oh, not again.

What are you up to?

You tricked me.

Hubert: Eric!

Eric.

Eric!

So you see, it was all a big misunderstanding.

Really nothing happened between the Count and I.

She's telling the truth.

Besides, if she really slept with him,

I would have killed her already.

Truce?

Eric?

Eric!

Let me get this straight.

You buy St. Bernard,

Lucretia marries the Count and gets half the money,

I get paid all of my money back,

- and... - And you might get me.

Say yes or I'll think you don't like me.

Hubert: Eric.

Eric!

Eric!

Eric.

Eric!

Eric.

Eric!

- Hey! - Don't panic. The money.

Come along, little Contessa.

And you stay put for awhile

if you want to see your little chick back again.

And the money.

Did you find her?

No!

Help!

Help me!

Help me!

Hubert: Lucretia?

Lucretia: No!

Whoa, it worked!

Lucretia: Help!

Whoa!

Aah!

Come on.

Yeah, I know. It's all in the wrist.

How is he?

He keeps on talking about someone named Louis the Luscious.

Any idea who that is?

Hubert.

Lucretia.

I'm fine, Daddy.

I'm fine.

Just another two months to go.

But she's right on schedule.

I really can't deliver any faster than that.

I have to go, Daddy. I love you.

Bye.

Is that it?

Come and see.

Voila.

Hm.

Here's to our first

and our very own truffle.

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