Original subtitles

In 10 Downing Street, Prime Minister Andy Burnham and best mate Steve

Rotherham, the Mayor of Liverpool.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tell you

what, Andy, I'm ready for a night of great telly. Oh, me and all, Steve.

I've got all the types of crisps a relatable bloke would have in their

house.

Waivers. Nick-knocks, what's it? Hey, watch me split the G on these twiglets.

Nice one.

Back of the throat.

Oh, you know what?

You know what my favourite programme is, Andy?

That's Saturday Night Live UK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You know, my dream is that one day they do an impression of

me.

Why the hell would they do that?

What, they're going to have Steve Rotherham, the mayor of Liverpool, as a

character in the show?

That would be insane.

I'm your best mate and I barely know who you are.

Fair play, Andy lad. Ooh, hang about!

Celebrity traitors.

What happens when we take 22 celebrities who are too famous to play the game

seriously or care whether or not they win and put them in a castle?

The answer, not much, to be honest.

I love that traitors.

All that spicy backstabbing and plotting.

It takes me back to a few months ago when I got this job.

Yeah. Haters reminds me of my life too.

Nobody cares about your bloody life Speaking of castles they got Prince

William on Graham Norton Okay,

we've got Prince William

on the show tonight now, well, can I ask you a slightly cheeky question? Oh, here

we go

OK, go on then, Graham. I'm always a good sport, as you know.

No, is it true that your brother Harry has reached out this week? Shut up!

So, what is next for you, Will?

Well, I'm really trying to focus on men's mental health at the moment, so...

Prince William visited Liverpool recently.

That's where I'm the mayor of. We know, Steve.

That's the only thing we know about you.

Oh, Bake Off.

Welcome back to Bake Off.

I'm Alison Hammond, the only person everyone in the country likes.

And I'm sleep paralysis demon, no feuding.

We're about to go to the techno, so it's time to get out those phones, switch off

your brain and double screen.

This week, the bakers are making self-sourcing puds.

And here's our very own self-sourcing pud.

It's Nigella.

Hello, lovelies.

You know, food is a lot like sex.

I have it.

You know... ..I'm something of a keen baker myself.

That may or may not be true, Steve.

We have literally no way of knowing.

about that must be trick-or-treaters come one week early ding-dong merrily on

high the sweets are in this pumpkin

it's

me I'm you shagga I've come from the future that's right in the future you

grow a moustache but if I'm You and you're me. That means... Hey, come

on. We're both here.

We don't have time, Andy. I've come to warn you. In a few months, a cyber

attack is going to bring the country to its knees.

Society will collapse and you're the only one who can stop it. Me? How?

By telling people that when they go shopping, they need to buy an extra tin

of beans.

Right, OK, but there must be more I can do.

Well, there is one other thing.

You can tell people to get a little tin of sardines as well, cos then they can

have those with the beans.

Thank you, me, for this grave warning.

As God is my witness, I will tell the country to buy some beans.

And some sardines as well, if they fancy it. Of course, and some sardines as

well.

You've done it, Shagga.

You've changed the future.

Now, I must return to my timeline.

Hang on.

Is that Steve Rotherham?

I loved it when they did that impression of you on SNL UK.

Did they?

Get in!

Yeah, and they got you bang on.

Speaking of which...

I'm Cynthia Erivo, and welcome to Saturday Night Live UK.

I'm a huge fan of SNL, so it's a dream to be hosting in my hometown of London.

It's been an incredible week, all the fun of the US show, but without the

impending threat of deportation.

People might be surprised to see me here doing sketch comedy, because for some

reason, there's a perception that I'm very serious.

But I'm actually very daft and silly. I'm probably the silliest goose you've

ever met. Hark! Hark!

It just doesn't show on my face.

Which is a real problem because people assume I'm not having any fun when I am.

For example, this is me, YOLO, at Alton Towers.

I took on Nemesis six times, best day of my life.

Then last week I went indoor skydiving.

What a thrill. I love the feeling of the wind through my nails.

I don't know why, but it's like my face just won't cooperate with my feelings.

Rest in peace, Peter.

You were the best optician I ever had.

I stand on this stage as a black, vegan, bisexual woman who's absolutely ripped

and heavily pierced.

Yes, I really can have it all I can have anything or anyone I can have you

or you or even you Aside

from my acting the thing I'm asked the most about is my nails not quite sure

why To me, they're normal. I've had them since I was 16.

They're an extension of my body, an expression of my soul and surprisingly

practical. I haven't had to use cutlery in years.

Mmm, corn on a cob.

Throughout my career, I've been lucky enough to play many powerful roles.

As a result, I've got an Emmy, a Grammy and a Tony.

But there's one Hollywood accolade that's escaped me. You know what I'm

talking about.

The Hollywood handshake.

That's right.

I'm a huge Bake Off fan.

It's an absolute dream of mine to be on that show, but there's just one problem.

I can't cook under time pressure.

I can run a marathon in under four hours, but ask me to bake a cake, well,

then I'm screwed.

Imagine me in a Bake Off tent. It would be chaos, mixing the cake batter with

one nail, chopping my butter with the other.

Noel's telling me I've got 30 seconds left and Alison just keeps laughing.

It's not funny, Hammond.

Seriously, what are you laughing at? I've got a soggy bottom and I'm freaking

stressed.

Hey, Cynthia.

Oh, hey, Noel Fielding. Is that really you?

Yeah, you've got 30 seconds left.

For the cake?

No, the monologue.

You need to get one with the show.

The monologue?

Damn. OK, 30 seconds. Music. We have music. Blossoms. They're great. And

sketches.

I'm in them. And adverts, I'm not in them. We've got an amazing show for you

tonight. Stick around and watch this.

Nailed it.

Recording. Okay, here we are making a documentary about... The woman in the

world's... Stop it, Josh.

We're off. I don't know. Can you put that away?

Guys?

Look at all these CDs.

What does it mean?

It's a Grammy.

Who put these Grammys here?

I'm so, so scared.

Jesus Christ. There's something out there.

What was that?

She's a triple threat.

Look at that perfect perm.

It's moving.

She's got an amazing figure.

How is she doing it?

She's like 80 though, isn't she?

Actually...

Feels like she just kind of wants to sing to us. Yeah, I was thinking that.

How can I tell if he loves me so?

Should we just join in?

Yeah, all right.

Is it in his eyes?

All and all that's make-believe If you're one or another If he loves you so

She's in his cage That's where it is It's timeless.

And that's what she does!

I got you, baby.

Another day of being trapped as a princess at the top of this town.

Princess. Hello.

Princess. Hello. My prince has come to save me. Princess, I have fought a

dragon, slayed my way through a forest of thorns to reach your tower and reach

you. Wonderful.

Throw me down something to climb.

What is that?

That's most unseemly.

It's my toenail.

Climb it and save me.

I thought you were going to let down your hair or something.

Jesus, how did you let it get that long?

Well, I've been deliberately growing it so you could save me.

Why didn't you just grow your hair?

Well, the bob really suits me.

Would you just climb my toenail, please?

Yeah, man, that's different to what they said.

I actually can't. That's rank. You're rank.

No, you're rank.

Men these days are actually soft. It actually makes me depressed.

Shut up! Why don't you shut up?

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, stop!

Stop! That thing could lacerate me, man!

God, I thought princesses were supposed to be elegant.

I thought princesses were supposed to be elegant. Shut up, man!

I've seen my situation. Does it look like I'm in a holiday inn? Do you see

any tiny milks?

Listen, yeah?

You listen. No, no, listen.

Your attitude actually stinks. I'm not even joking.

Also, your tower stinks of piss. No, you stink. You stink of piss. I don't have a

toilet. I've been pissing and shitting in my hands and scooping and thracking

and scooping and chucking.

What's your excuse?

No, no, no, stop talking. No, you stop talking. Are you climbing my toenail or

what? No.

You piss off. No, you piss off. I'm in a tower. I can't piss off. Do you have to

piss off? No, you piss off. No, you piss off.

What's wrong with you? You've got dry lips. Where's your Vaseline?

My dry lips? Look at your crusty toenail.

Do you know what? Furthermore, your haircut is nasty, mate. What? Get off my

grass!

You should be discontinued! Get off my grass!

You know what?

Waste of my time.

I'm going to go see that white girl with the dwarves.

Another prince turned away, my love.

Excellent work.

Love you, babe. Love you more, babe.

From Holy Ghost Productions, the producer of classic Nollywood films,

comes another blockbuster with a stressful sound base.

Nigerian Wicked.

Glinda and Elphaba are studying to be witches.

I'm a witch. So am I.

Glinda, you slapped me. Yes, because you are very classless.

What's that smell?

It's egg.

Glinda doesn't like egg.

So the relationship is very strained.

But all is not well in the land of leg oars. Why are you not talking?

Goat.

Talk. The goat is the professor.

Now the witches must become friends and have a makeover.

Linda, I can't afford this. When we get to the wizard, they will all pay off.

The wizard?

The wizard.

But I'm a virgin.

No. The journey to the wizard begins now.

He lives there.

In the Emerald White and Emerald City.

They say he's very rich.

That he can make anything appear. That's why they call him the wizard.

What were you asking for? I want him to get my Birkin.

I want a skinny BBL.

She wants a BBL.

That defies gravity.

Give it to them.

How about we stop that?

Hello, pretty ladies.

This is the wizard.

Yeah, I'm the wizard, yeah.

I thought you said you had no legs.

What do you call this?

That's a no legs.

That's funny. That's what they call it at the market.

Come to find out, the wizard is broke.

Can I offer you pretty ladies some Baileys Irish cream?

Excuse me, who are these people?

They're my cousin.

How do you like the Baylis Irish crime? Hmm.

It's all great.

This movie has drama.

Look at you. Get to the grass.

It has flying monkeys.

Where did they get the wings? Get down.

Also, the whole thing is a musical.

Nigerian Wicked, LGBTQ.

Coming soon to YouTube.

Oh, good morning.

Did you sleep well?

Yeah, great, thanks. Oh, that's nice.

What a lovely thing to hear. Not only as a B&B owner, but also as a human.

Sorry, we overslept a bit. Have we missed breakfast? Don't be daft. It's

the weekend. We serve until 6am.

Right, if you want to come through, it's just you two. Yes.

And one other couple.

Right.

Pop yourselves down over there and I'll start cooking up a variety of pork

products that will ultimately kill you in the long run.

Any hot drinks?

Two cappuccinos, please.

I'll give it a go, but I can't say it'll be nice.

This is why I hate B&Bs. We have to talk to strangers.

It's OK.

I'll take the lead.

Morning. Hang on!

Keep going, baby.

Keep going, baby.

Keep going, baby. Oh!

Whoa-ho-ho!

9 minutes 22.

That's the best so far today. That's class.

Hi, guys. I'm Terry Noakes. And I'm Jenny.

His wife.

So what brings you to these parts, huh?

Just a weekend away. How about you?

You know the band Simply Red?

Oh, with Mick Hackdell? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, we follow their tribute

band, Slightly Red.

It's a superior sound for a fraction of the price, plus there's never a crowd,

so... For four years, we've been travelling up and down the country

watching them play Curry Houses. I always get myself a biryani cos he

doesn't like rice. I don't! It's the rice! It's too tiny for my teeth, you

know? Trust me!

I'm lucky I don't think it turned round that time.

Breakfast cocktail?

What's that?

Well, it's Weetabix, crunchy nut and a shot of brown sauce.

It's good for your gut in a way that's both a blessing and a curse, if you know

what I mean.

Yeah, we're good, thanks. Go on.

Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. So good for you. So good for your gut and your biome. Go on.

Go on.

Very good for you.

Yes. Oh, these people are so weird. Told you we should have got a premiere in.

Yeah, Lenny Hendry was rude to my aunt once, all right? You know, I will never

back anything he tries to sell, OK?

Are you sucking on a tea bag?

Yeah. Tastes much better that way. It's true. The guy from Tetley told me about

a urinal. We binned all our mugs the second we got home. When you think about

it, the mouth is nature's cup.

She said, was we binned all our mugs the second we got home, and when you think

about it, the mouth is nature's cup.

You want some honey?

Not right now, but later.

Right now, please tell me you ordered 12 eggs because otherwise I've got this

very wrong. That's me What can I say? I'm a yolk man Well done you he's very

funny That's lunch sorted

Definitely

turn around that time Wow, you guys really know your birds.

Yeah, well, not as well as we know our pastas. It's all right, it's all right,

it's all right, it's all right.

There's rigatoni. Yes. There's tortellini. There's penne, there's

fusilli, there's tortellini again.

OK, OK, where is this breakfast? Do you two like to hum?

Cos we do.

Sometimes I think we're addicted.

You are addicted, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shall we show them, baby?

You don't have to. OK, three, two, one.

This is too much. I cannot start my day like this.

Kestrel!

Shit. Right, let's go. Let's go.

Thank God they're gone.

I hate sharing tables at B&Bs. Right.

Let's go do this hit job.

Ladies and gentlemen, Blossoms.

Hello, hello, put love in my head

I know, I know, it's made of lead.

Hello, hello, science came, my kingdom reigns. Below, below, my

Charlemagne. And the river of snow, so if you go out and over by the rain, my

Charlemagne.

Hello, hello, my eyes tried.

beside the snow in the winter.

Hello, hello, the doctor's view prescribed me you below, below the

amber sky and the river of his clothes.

Sir, if you go, I will know by the way of my Salome.

You stand the river of his clothes, tears of gold, you let me go, do you

feel the same, my Salome?

My Charlemagne, my Charlemagne, my Charlemagne,

my Charlemagne, don't go.

If only I could show you, don't go.

If only I could show you, don't go.

If only I could show you, don't go.

If only I could show you, and the river I was going, so if you go.

I don't know. By the rain, my Charlemagne.

Louisiana River always flows.

Tears of gold, you left me cold. Do you feel the same, my Charlemagne?

Oh, Charlemagne.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya Magliano.

Run your bath and plug in your toasters. It's Budget Week.

BUZZER Yes, it's Budget Week.

Chancellor of the Exchequer, John Healey, seen here hoping that hair comes

in tins... ..is planning a pro-business budget next week.

Healy will promise support for small businesses, less corporate paperwork,

blanket bans on garlic and crucifixes, as well as free blood for the over 700s.

This week, Healy, a man who looks like when he orgasms, numbers come out...

..also helped to greenlight controversial plans for drilling in the

new Jackdaw gas field.

The gas rig is likely to use a huge drill called a Volaris, which is over

300 feet tall, operates at 90 rotations per minute and can penetrate as deeply

as 12 kilometres into one lucky seabed.

In royal news, it's been a big 24 hours for Meghan Markle, whose dad has been

accused of being an alleged paedophile in another pathetic attempt to win over

the British public.

In 2025, Thomas Markle moved to the Philippines in a sure sign of his

innocence.

If the allegations about Meghan Markle's father are true and he is a paedophile,

there is a genuine chance Meghan could be considered royal.

Obviously.

There was chaos online as millions of organisations around the world scrambled

to fix critical vulnerabilities in their PHP.

So, what exactly is PHP?

Essentially, it's something to do with the internet, Paddy.

Thanks, Anya. Yes, PHP is essentially related to the way the internet works.

Anya? Thanks, Paddy.

So, that's PHP.

And we really wish it the best of luck in the stuff that's going on with it.

In big media news, Radio 4 Extra has announced it will close in what is sure

to be devastating news for its listener.

Finalists to be the next James Bond are doing their last screen test this

weekend. If anyone's watching, I know this is late, but I'd like to put myself

forward.

The James Bond bollocks.

This weekend, Storm Austin caused mayhem across the UK.

18,000 homes have been affected by power cuts, which means that sadly, many of

you watching at home won't be watching this.

In Brighton, part of their famous pier collapsed into the sea after the town

was ravaged by high winds, leaving many to wonder why God is so angry with

Brighton.

The eagle's nest the famous mountain lodge of Adolf Hitler has been set on

fire on the upside White smoke rising from the building does mean they've

chosen a new Hitler It's been confirmed that part of the famous lodges collapsed

leading many to wonder why is God so angry with Hitler's layer

UK hospitals have been required to disclose the items they've had to remove

from people's bottoms these items include TV remotes vapes door

handles and a toothbrush a list described by one consultant as

concerning and by Prince William as amateur

That's right.

Lewisham Hospital have revealed that in the last 12 months they've removed

thousands of foreign objects from people's bottoms, also including some

Lego and a boiled egg.

To tell us more about the subject, please welcome the Lego and the boiled

egg!

Do you want to tell us what happened?

No. No.

No.

No, not really.

Lost my hat in there.

Right.

Although, um, it's nice to see you again, Anya. OK!

This week, the government launched an emergency campaign urging households to

stockpile enough goods to last at least three days.

It's a revolutionary concept some people are already calling the weekly shop.

In music news, pop star Lily Allen has released a line of butt plugs.

What, did she fart or something?

This week... It was announced that the musical comedy Glee will be rebooted on

Disney+. The original series was famously struck by repeated tragedies,

including multiple cast deaths, and also being written, produced and broadcast.

Now, of course, today would have been Hall & Oates legend Daryl Hall's 80th

birthday, if it hadn't been last week.

Happy birthday, Dowel Hall.

A woman in Lincolnshire has been fined after her dog bit a man on his penis.

The victim said the attack from the German shepherd resulted in bite marks

on his penis, bruising and swelling, and that he would be up for seeing the dog

again.

The writer of Adolescents has said smartphones should be treated like

cigarettes. I mean, aren't they already?

Smartphones already come with one of those revolting photos of someone with

horrible diseases, mainly when you accidentally turn your front camera on.

What does that poor man have?

I'm sorry you're ill, but please get out of my phone. I'm trying to wank.

Oh, now he's wanking as well.

Who's that sick, ugly old man wanking in my phone?

Go away.

Don't tell me to go away. This is my phone.

You'd better not come at the same time as me.

It's Halloween next week.

Here with some seasonal dating tips, please welcome our dating correspondent,

Scrimpsh.

I'm Scrimpsh.

King of dates. I like girls so much sometimes I get physically ill.

Scrimge, it's so good to see you again. I hear you've got some spooky dating

tips for us. I do, because I know it can be arduous for a Scrimge.

Let's do this.

Tip one, share something spooky about yourself.

E.g., lady, I spent too much time in a hot tub and now I can't have kids.

Oh, my God, what happened there?

Tip four.

Sing your spook.

I don't understand why my name is Scrimch. I found out my name was Scrimch

in an email.

Are we still talking about Halloween?

Tip 2008.

Scrimch that.

Scary can be sexy.

So dress up as something scary this Halloween.

For example, Milton Keynes.

Or perhaps my childhood.

Sorry, what is your life?

Halloween typically falls on the 31st of October.

So, tell a serious story this Halloween.

For example, this is the unsolved mystery of the time I lost my

brogues!

The story takes place on a Thameslink train.

Sometimes you have a shoe that's a leather shoe with many holes. OK, it's a

song again.

Sometimes you lose that shoe on a train to Bromley by boat.

And they must be so frightened.

Two leather brothers all alone.

Where are my brogues and do you have a printer?

I have things to print. OK.

Wow, I have to say that is scary. Thanks so much again for your tips Grinch Anya.

Thank you. And as always happy Red Nose Day

Sunday

morning

is officially the end of British summertime.

So don't forget to adjust your clocks I always remember which way the clocks

move using a handy rhyme at this time of year the weather gets glacial I throw

myself into work because of my low self-esteem. Put the clocks forward.

Sightings of rats in British cities are up 15% this year. So either there's more

rats around or some of you are pretending to see rats for clout.

New research... New research shows that in order to stop doom-scrolling, Gen Zs

have turned to so-called granny hobbies.

What? Sucking off grandad?

I've been doing that for ages.

No, I'm sorry, my grandad's dead.

Honestly, I don't know why I keep sucking him off.

OK, look, now I have said that, I have really ruined Christmas.

How am I going to make it up to grandad?

The owner of a whisky distillery has admitted responsibility for a toxic

spill that is estimated to have killed thousands of fish.

Come on, whisky, stick to killing dads.

On Tuesday, San Diego Zoo marked International Sloth Day by announcing

the birth of a new baby sloth.

The sloth has not yet been named, but might I suggest naming it after one

member of the Weekend Update UK team, who is lovable...

Lazy and a bit hairy.

No, not me.

Our beloved Weekend Update production assistant, Mr Sloth.

Can we get a camera on Mr Sloth?

There he is.

Mr Sloth, they said your name.

I think he's asleep.

Wake up, Mr Sloth.

Wake up, Mr Sloth.

Seriously, wake up. We need a medic!

Oh, my God, OK. We need a medic, quick, someone get a medic. Help him, help him

now! I don't think he's moving. What's going on? He's dead.

He's been dead for hours. What do you mean?

OK, we're going to have to pause there, ladies and gentlemen. Just stay in your

seats, we're going to pause the show.

Just stay there, thank you.

For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young.

He's gone.

He's gone.

He's still weak

This has been the perfect day Only because you're so perfect and thank you

for planning everything Well, I've been dreaming of this day since I was a

little girl and don't be modest. You helped too About that. I can't wait to

see the band you've booked our first dance is gonna be so magical Yeah, yeah,

listen, I need to tell you something Oh think that's the bad now

What up, DoubleTreeWolf? I'm Stone.

I'm Project. This is my girl, Marcie.

Yeah. Not yet.

Such a beautiful ceremony. Shout-out to my cousin, John, for letting me perform

at his wedding. I remember when he was a kid, his head was so small.

Can't believe he found a wife.

Melissa, this is for you.

DJ, spin that shit.

Come on.

John, what the hell is this? I thought you were booking a band.

They're my cousins.

I'm sorry, babe.

I forgot to get a band and then it was too late and they were the only people

who could perform last minute.

Come on.

I'm calling out Thames Water. That's why I wrote this song. They tried to mug me

off. They read my meter wrong. Got charged 400 quid for just a month of me.

They're taking me to court. I got a CCJ. I swear to God, if you start singing,

I'm going to lose it.

They're not causing a wedding. That's all respect.

Come on. Let's get it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, let's get it.

You're acting like Thames Water. You're making my life tough. I'm taking baths

with wet wipes. My God, I've had enough. Thames Water, I don't have a job.

I can't afford it. I can't afford it. Why is she talking about Thames Water?

She's rapping about her life, babe. This is her struggle. Struggle? It's my

bloody wedding day, John. I don't want to hear this.

Of course not.

I woke up this morning. Can't turn my shower on.

Thames Water cut me off.

You know you men are wrong.

I said you're talking crap. Do you want me to give you a slap?

My toilet, it can't flush, so it's just full of crap.

It's not your turn.

You're relaxing it. You're overseeing. It's enough.

Come on. Come begging it. Give it up for my flatmate. You might know him. Andy

Wong.

One.

Zero.

I was down tired with an empty kettle when my water got turned off. Still

whippin' that work.

Why's that?

Because I go and make this dosh. Turns water, they call it my line. Turns

water, they move like snakes. When they call me, I say, shh, can I get some

wedding cake?

I'm putting a stop to this right now. My parents are here. No, babe, please.

Shut it down. Shut it down. Turn the music off.

Melissa, the beautiful bride, everyone. I have to say thank you for this

opportunity. Yeah, I never really liked you. You're quiche, you're very dry.

But you're supporting me still, innit? This song's my gift to you, by the way.

No, no, I didn't agree to any of this. You have ruined my special day. We've

ruined it.

Your dad's making out with a bridesmaid, your mum's passed out in the bathroom,

and your brother's been nicking cutlery all night.

Look at him, he's jangling it all over the place.

Jangling.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

No one's family is perfect.

John, come on.

Let's have that first dance.

Once

again,

Blossoms.

It's a fine mess.

It's a fine mess. I got myself into.

What have you got yourself into?

I'm in a spin.

He's in a spin. Nowhere to spin to.

Where's he gonna spin to?

But I know I should think. Before I open my mouth.

Yeah, you should think before you talk. And I know that some things should not

be said out loud.

What's going to say it? I guess this argument's not the place for a joke

about divorce.

Oh, my intentions were just a playful thing to make you laugh because.

Oh, I'm not there, it's not on me.

I must claim my affection to ignore.

Oh, I guess this argument's not... The play is far a joke without default.

My phone calls. The phone's still ringing out. You curse.

I said I'll write you some verse.

Write you some verse. You said, boy, you've some nerve.

You've got some nerve. But I won't include that biage I'm not sure about.

refrain, just to stretch the strain out.

What you gonna say if I get this argument? It's not the place for a joke

about divorce.

Oh, my intentions were just paper made to make you laugh, of

course.

Oh, I'm not there yet, starman.

I'm a slave by affection to ignore.

I'm staring out the front room window.

Haven't spoke for hours.

Yeah, I regret it.

While I find the words, suppose I'll just...

I guess this argument's not the place for a joke about divorce.

Oh, my intentions are just a playful thing to make you laugh across.

Oh, I'm not there yet to know all the men. I'm a slave to my affections you

ignore.

Oh, I guess this argument's not the place for a joke about divorce.

Don't joke about it.

Don't joke about it.

Joke about D

So soft, so sweet, you won't believe the one I have. So small, so cute, you can

hold it in your hand.

Mine is full of wonders, it's also full of dreams.

It's gorgeous, stunning, clever, and it's somehow always clean. It sings just

like an angel, it shines just like the sun.

It doesn't really take much if you wanna make me dance.

Lick it, flick it, finger stick it, it's all mine and it is perfect.

And mine's different to that.

I've not had that feedback, thought they were all the same. It's not that mine's

bad, I just don't know what a good one is. My is pretty standard and I'm

popping it as well.

It just does normal stuff like periods and dots.

So tight you can't wait to have a go.

It's won awards and it gets a standing.

Oh, lick it like an envelope and stick it like a stamp.

You'll get three wishes if you rub it like a lamp.

Whereas for me, never got complaints, broke my hymen on a horse.

It's not that I don't like it, I am proud of it, of course. Gun to my head,

I'd describe it as fine.

Yeah, it's pretty as... Like a man who's five now you won't want to return it so

throw out that receipt Don't need no extra sugar cuz it's already so sweet. I

just assume it's quite metallic in taste My pussy's magic

Like Penn and Teller You'll be

enchanted

Hey girl. Yeah. So at what point are they saying all of this to you? Are

people verbalizing it? Is it just assumed? Are you requesting feedback?

Hey, actually, I don't know if it can do all of that stuff. I just walk around

like it can because it's really good for my mental health.

Oh, okay.

Mine can do backflips. It can make pizza from scratch.

It's gonna be prime minister and wear an eye patch.

Mine's been on the move.

Mine's a champion.

Carries a briefcase. Where is minus street?

Smart. Lick it, flick it, finger stick it. It's all ours and it is.

And a huge thank you to the cast, writers and all the crew for making this

an amazing, amazing, amazing week. It's been such an honour to host SNL UK.

We'll be back in January 2027.

Good night.

Amazing show, Cynthia.

Thanks so much.

Cynthia Riva, everybody.

Jules Holland.

You didn't mention my hour.

We're giving everyone an hour. You should have told him.

Sting won't be pleased.

Why don't you join me and Jamie Dornan in my boogie-woogie wonderland forever?

Put your clocks back tonight, or else.