Original subtitles

In tonight's show, grannies doing doughnuts.

Is the new Mini any good?

An Ultimate Force in a reasonably-priced car.

And a bed spring with a bike engine takes on the Zonda around our track.

Hello. Now, we're talking tonight predominantly about style.

The problem is that everyone in the normal world thinks that

petrol heads like us really are a bit geeky,

bit nerdy,

that we spend all day in the loft, downloading stuff off the internet.

So, with that in mind,

I've ditched the jeans tonight,

and gone for a cargo-style pant,

- which I've teamed with a blazer. - Nice.

And you've teamed a tablecloth with a shirt.

Stitched in neatly.

- And you're wearing a tent. - Tucked in.

As usual.

Um, and it's not just our attire as well,

we've rearranged the audience tonight.

We've got the good-looking ones here.

This guy, look at him.

- Very, very fine. - This is a male model really.

- You're staying there. - You stay there.

You get us a good image. We've put the really...

- ugly ones... at the back. - At the back.

Anyone with a spot. See this guy here.

- Do you see this guy? - Yeah.

I can't make my mind up whether he is Robin Askwith

- out of the Window Cleaner films. - Yeah.

- Or Keith Emerson out of Emerson, Lake and Palmer. - Kind of a hybrid.

So, If the floor manager, the guy with the microphone comes up to you

and says, "Can you move," it's 'cos you're ugly.

- Don't be hurt. You're ugly. - Don't be hurt.

We've also got some car designers in.

Umm, they're over there.

- Look at them, all shiny. - Yeah.

You're never gonna make it.

To be a car designer, you have to wear black and look like a Chechen rebel.

They look like an Oasis tribute band.

Of course, we're not being helped this week,

the Motor Show, didn't you see?

They ran a commercial to go to the Motor Show which we've got here.

And they basically used a semi-naked girl.

And there were all sorts of semi-naked girls at the...

- NEC. - At the NEC in Bir-minge-ham.

The woman who complained,

she is the new Labour minister of

something or other, Patricia Hewitt.

- She's quite fit, actually. - She is.

Maybe it's a power thing. I don't know.

She's got something.

But really using sex to sell cars, it is very "last week"

and it's uncool.

In fact, I can't think of anything more uncool than that.

- Strangely enough Jeremy, I can. - Really?

The news this week, Transport 2000,

you've probably heard of them, campaigning group.

- Mm. - Great name.

- Two years ago, it would've been great. - Yeah.

Did they not see that coming in '99?

"We could have a problem with our name, guys."

Anyway, they're taking the Government to court

because they want the government to stop painting speed cameras fluorescent yellow.

They want them to be grey and hidden so they catch more motorists.

- I think that's really... - I'll tell you what, I've got the thing here.

Transport 2000, just so you know who they are.

They say, on their own... I think this is their own website.

"Transport 2000's vision is of a country

where traffic no longer dominates our lives,

where many journeys can be made on foot or cycle or using public transport.

Where you don't need a car to enjoy the countryside or city life."

What's the word I can use at this time of night?

I've gotta go to Newcastle. Do I walk?

Places are a long way apart. That's why we have cars.

Anyway, let's get on.

Now, whenever I pull over for petrol these days,

someone I can guarantee will walk over and say,

"Have you driven the new Mini yet?"

Everybody has the same question.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I can just perch here?

Thanks very much. "What is it like?"

Not me, though. My question is, "What on Earth is an Aquadrome?"

I guess, we've all driven up the M1,

and we've all seen that brown sign that says.

Billing Aquadrome. Turn-off 16?

Is it 16? Yeah, 16.

To Billing Aquadrome. What is that?

So I thought we could kill two birds with one stone.

Take the new Mini up there, find out what it's like

and find out what an Aquadrome is.

There are three different types of Mini.

There's the supercharged Cooper S,

the normal Cooper,

and bottom of the range, this one - the Mini One.

£10,500 worth of simple, end-of-the-pier, no-nonsense fun.

A bit like Billing Aquadrome, then.

Turns out it's a caravan site.

Fun for all the family.

Star turns every night, go-karts during the day

and peaceful swan pedalo rides in the evening.

You can stay here in a caravan.

£9 a night. £9!

£11 if you want electricity.

And there's a choice of three restaurants.

All you can eat: £6.95.

Come here, eat chips,

have a nice time. Fantastic.

'60s living then, to suit a '60s car.

I was a huge fan of the old Mini

and I really thought that BMW would mess this one up.

But they haven't, they've actually improved it.

The dash is brilliant.

I no longer have to drive with my knees wrapped around my ears.

And your spine doesn't shatter every time you run over a piece of grit.

It's a wonderful, comfortable car. Just brilliant.

Of course. Because it now has some suspension,

it doesn't fly through the corners like a go-kart.

But you can still have fun with it.

I've driven cars costing five times more than this

which are five times less of a hoot.

You would love this car

and you'd continue to love it even when it was time to sell.

Used Minis are actually fetching more on the second-hand market

than they cost to buy new.

So, which model to buy?

Well, let me give you a Top Gear Top Tip.

Buy the cheapest one.

It has exactly the same single overhead camshaft,

1.6-litre engine as the Cooper.

The only difference is a little tiny chip in the on-board computer.

So, you buy the cheap car, you save £1,300,

and then you change the chip.

That will cost you £385.

I just saved you £1,000!

But should you take me up on it?

Should you buy a Mini at all?

You see, the wheelbase on this car,

the distance between the back wheels and the front ones,

is exactly the same as on a Land Rover Discovery.

So where's all the space gone?

There's tons in the front, but in the back,

there's absolutely no legroom at all.

And, while the new Mini has a hatchback,

the old one didn't of course, look at the size of its boot.

In the old Mini, Blue Peter used to be able to get 42 Boy Scouts in the back

but we can't even get, look at this, one BBC sound recordist.

In fact, we can't even get his leg and he's not a big lad.

Really.

That really is hopeless.

And you know, if a Martian came to Earth,

and you explained what you could normally get into a car of this size,

four doors, space for the family

space for the dog, he'd say, "What's a dog?"

Then when you'd explained that, he'd say,

"Well, plainly, this is hopeless. That's much more like it!"

It's the Toyota Yaris Verso.

Same sort of money as the Mini One.

Little bit smaller on the outside,

but look at what you get on the inside.

Three full seats in the back and look at all that legroom.

And what's more,

these two outer seats actually fold into the floor.

Let me show you how.

There's some floor there.

Now, it just goes in there.

Bugger! Jesus!

That's not going to go in. Like that.

Um... oh, hold on,

I've found another lever/catch thing.

That slides more in.

Oh dear, I don't think this is supposed to have happened.

I've no idea how it works.

I'll tell you what, I'll do it on the other side.

That's the thing you trap your fingers on. Be careful with that.

Oh, the floor's still here. There we go.

That should just slide in really smoothly in there.

There we go!

It's in! Easy!

Completely flat floor.

Great.

So, as a practical proposition then,

the Yaris Verso plainly

knocks the Mini into a cocked hat.

This really is, once you've read the instruction book

obviously and got the hang of it all,

a very, very practical car.

In here, you get a lot of toys.

You get air-conditioning as standard,

you don't get that with the Mini,

and look at that 3D digital dash!

That's Martian technology, that is.

Aimed at the young kid-about-town who drinks lattes and eats wheat juice,

it crushes the Mini like a beetle.

And yet, something about it is not quite right.

Could it be the name?

Yaris Verso,

that sounds like it could be a full-back at Arsenal.

Or is it the styling?

Yes, that's it.

It's perfect in every way,

except it looks like an ugly snake

that's swallowed a wardrobe.

See, that's the thing these days,

as a functional car,

this is much better than this.

But when Madonna needed to buy a new car,

she bought a Mini.

And so did Zoe Ball,

and Kate Moss, and Harry Enfield and Jo Whiley.

They all bought Minis. Style sells.

That's why engineers are made these days

to work in cellars with no money and little food.

The real superstars of the car world are the designers.

And I've got one of them here.

A chap called Peter Horbury.

Now, Peter's the boss of everything now,

Ford, Jaguar... the lot really.

But you were best known for turning Volvo

from making pea-green half-bricks into...

- Well, what? - Blue half-bricks, I suppose.

No, but I really like the way this car looks.

Well, I think the function of Volvo was very, very evident.

It was a safe, practical car.

But, I think there's nothing wrong with adding style

to something which is functional.

With this car, what we did with the designers, we asked them

design a car with the front of a sports car,

and the back of a Ford Transit.

Just weld the two together and...

- And that's what you've got. - Smooth it out in between.

In essence, yes, because if you look at the front,

very curved, very rounded, very sporty.

In fact, the pillars... the screen pillars are angled well in,

much more than the older Volvos,

- quite curvy. - Look.

And if you go down the car, you'll see how the side glass pivots out.

That means, that by the time it gets to the luggage area,

where you need the box, it's still there.

Together with that, the vertical tailgate creates the boxy Volvo.

But only where you need it.

It doesn't mess up the rest of the design.

And you're always banging on about how you need to have

national characteristics in a car,

for it to really work.

So this has to look Swedish.

Which to me, sounds like gobbledegook. 'Cause I can't... what is Swedish?

Well, Swedish, both the fact it's a caring society,

therefore, everyone is looked after in a Volvo.

It's a very... they're very practical people,

therefore we have the estate car.

But I think it's more than that,

you can also put the visual character of a country into a car.

Let me show you.

- He'll do a Rolf Harris moment now. - I'll draw now.

- Let's see if you can still do this. - Yeah.

Think back to the forties.

And a typical car in Britain was,

from the front, very, very curvaceous,

very round. Lots of full, voluptuous shapes.

- Typical of a car anywhere in that era. - Yeah, yeah.

But in Sweden, they were different.

Sort of very simple verticals, horizontal

with a radius in between,

and then the same shapes on the grille.

This is the Volvo 544.

- You don't recognise it. - No, I don't.

Do you see what it is, yet? Oh, the Volvo 544.

- It's a totally different form. - Yeah.

Especially, if you look at other products of the time, take for example, furniture.

Imagine an armchair, good old British 1940s, 1950s armchair,

had the same sort of form language as the car.

But over in Sweden, different.

Very simple, same flat shapes and curves.

That's the way wood bends, so that's how they built chairs.

I'm spellbound by this.

- So like this, we've got one here. - Here's one here.

- You see the simple flat wood, big radius... straight down. - Swedish chair.

Same form language again.

And that is how we designed the shoulders on the Volvo.

Where many cars would grow outwards and downwards to a point here,

the Volvo comes straight out, and there's a big radius,

- just like the chair. - The chair.

I thought that was to make it look solid. I thought that you have these,

this bit sticking out, so it actually looked like, a big lump, sort of...

Well, it does, it is a visual representation of the side impact protection system.

'Cause the thing is though, the national characteristics

you can, I suppose still see it a bit,

- in Jaguars and so on. - Yeah. Absolutely.

But then the Japanese, they have never really had any...

They do now. I think they do.

In fact, a Japanese car is full of detail.

Because Japanese people can single out a detail and appreciate it.

Like a row of Japanese houses, they are all different.

One is one size, one colour. The next house is totally different.

The third house is something else.

We see it as a visual mess, we Westerners.

But the Japanese can look at each house individually.

- Really? - Yeah.

The page of a Japanese magazine is visual mayhem to us. But to them, it's quite simple.

You look at one detail at a time.

Your favourite car, I happen to know, is this Porsche 928.

The 928. Yes.

Now. Why? What was it?

I mean, I think it's a lovely-looking car, not the best ever.

But why do you think this is so good?

I think it's very, very significant.

I mean... don't forget, this is 1976,

when other cars were folded-paper type designs,

like the old Scirocco. Golf.

And this was very new.

All rounded, beautiful forms, almost aircraft-like.

No bumpers, it had the first integrated bumpers.

- You could kick those, couldn't you? - Yeah.

It was a pure design. There's not a blemish on the surface.

It's just pure form, and I think that was very new then, and very unique.

- And it lasted, didn't it? - Well, not many cars would last the course of time.

20 years, this lasted. Almost unchanged.

Now, the interesting thing is about this car,

is that when it came out, I believe... or shortly after it came out, anyway,

- you were working at Ford. - Yes.

And you thought you'd take certain elements of this car

- and put them onto a car you were designing at the time. - Right.

So does anybody here want to have a guess

what car Peter thought he'd made look like a 928?

- Capri? - No. Not a Capri. Let's just show everybody.

Ready? This, you think, looks like a 928.

- Ahem, yes. - That is a Ford Sierra XR4.

I've never looked at one and, "God, that guy's got a Porsche! No, wait, it's a Ford Sierra."

- Which bit did you think, when you were doing? - Well,

the one detail in this one, this particular XR4,

which was absolutely identical to this,

was the side windows.

Because here was one of the most exquisite forms we felt,

in the automotive world, at the time.

This wonderful, almost aircraft-like style side window

in that very clean door,

followed by this unique, wrapover second window.

- Yeah... - Well, here it is.

The front door window, plus the second window.

Because we just painted that black

- to create one shape... - Yes...

- ...and then followed it with... - If I stand back, will that help?

If you half close your eyes, it helps even more.

If you fully close your eyes, it helps even more.

Oh, yes, I've got it now. That's a 928, definitely.

- For the moment, Peter, thanks very much. - You're welcome.

No disrespect to Peter, but I am sorry, I can't agree.

Porsche 928 the best-looking car in the world? No. Not in my opinion.

Because if you ask me, this is.

It's the Citroen DS. And it's gorgeous.

But more importantly than that, it was launched in 1955.

'55. Let me put that into perspective.

There you were in the '50s, at your mangle, doing your laundry.

And then somebody comes along and gives you one of these!

It was mind-boggling!

Can you imagine having the creativity

to sit down at your drawing board in 1955,

when most cars still looked like sideboards,

and draw this as a car.

It's genius.

For me, and for a lot of other people as well,

this is possibly one of the most beautiful cars ever.

It's so petite around the tail,

but it's got that slightly angular look.

And then towards the front, it widens out to the nose.

Those big, elegant eyes look feline.

And then this upright expanse of glass.

Half the car is so rakish,

then you sit upright here looking out, it's so stately.

It's astonishing. On the first day the world saw this,

12,000 people said, "I like that. I'm going to buy one."

They sold 12,000 on the first day ever.

Now, I should say we're not being strictly honest here,

because this is a 1972 Citroen DS. But let's get one thing clear.

The car they introduced in 1955,

apart from a few really rather minor cosmetic changes,

was built for 20 years, until 1975.

So there must have been something right with it.

By the '70s, it got even cleverer.

Maybe even a bit too clever for its own good.

The headlamps swivelled with the steering wheel.

It wasn't just the looks that were futuristic,

and boy, were they futuristic.

It was everything else about the car.

For a start, those looks are the result of aerodynamics,

which then was considered still by many people to be something akin to witchcraft.

And that's not all. Here's the really clever bit.

Remember the '50s was a time

when most of the world was still using mangles.

And this had disc brakes.

It had a central hydraulic system

that controlled the suspension, the brakes, the steering,

and in cars with, wait for it,

a semi-automatic transmission,

the gear changes, as well.

All in 1955!

I hate this when I drive old cars. I really want one.

Now, I want one.

I think I might be getting the hang of this now.

But, I 've gotta be honest, it's not the easiest thing to drive at first.

The column shift which is very slick, it's just a bit different.

Once you have got the hang of it, it's great.

I'm in the wrong gear, but it's great.

Hmm. I'm not convinced. I quite like the car, quite,

but it's the people who drive DSs.

That's the problem for me.

You just get the sense that they would never come out of a pub

and put a traffic cone on their head and reel down the street.

And that's the point. That's why you're missing the point.

I mean, you're the man, remember,

who has consistently, several years running, won Britain's Worst-Dressed Man.

Even in your cargo-pants suit, No, not now! '

- teamed with a... - I've been on a makeover programme now.

- It's a car that you're just missing. - Now, later in the programme,

I'll be showing you what I think is the best-looking car ever.

- I don't like it. - You don't know what it is!

I don't care, I don't like it.

Couple of weeks ago on this show,

we set out to prove that not all old people are dreadful drivers.

We invited grannies to come on the show and do some doughnuts for us.

We were inundated with responses.

So we picked these five lovely ladies to have a go.

Welcome to the Top Gear Granny Doughnut Challenge.

These are the grannies as you know, and the car they'll be driving

is a sporty rear-wheel drive Honda S2000.

- Oh, it's gorgeous. - You like it?

It's fantastic. Yes, I do.

- Are you going in the back? - No!

My son is going in the back!

But before the doughnuts, it was cake time.

You put your layers, you spread it over with lard,

and then put your layers of mixed fruit and cinnamon and sugar in.

If you go in the WI market, you want to get your food there, because that's all home-made.

- Can I get my bramble jelly there? - You can.

- You can. - Should be able to.

The man who'll be teaching them is ace stunt driver Russ Swift.

The idea is you want to approach it fairly slowly.

It's not a very fast manoeuvre at all.

First gear, and then you're going to turn as if going in a circle,

and then you'll probably dip the clutch, build the revs up and spin the back wheels.

And what'll happen then...

Obviously, chalk on a blackboard is no substitute for the smell of burning rubber

in the morning, as Russ demonstrates.

His front wheels are almost...

- Easy-peasy. - Do it again. See if he can do it again.

- Did you bring your incontinence pads!? - No, I didn't.

All right. Now, we've seen how you're meant to do it, OK?

We'll find out how they got on, later on.

I can't wait to see those grannies trying that. I just can't wait.

But we're going to have to, because

every week we have a celebrity guest.

And now it's time to meet him,

he is the star of Ultimate Force and also of something called EastEnders.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ross Kemp!

- How are you? All right? - Very well. Have a seat.

Could your granny do that?

My granny's 86!

She doesn't really do doughnuts anymore. She makes nice apple pies.

Have you ever tried one?

Yes, unsuccessfully, I'm not that good at doing things like that.

You do all your own stunt driving, don't you?

That is a misnomer. I don't do all my stunt driving. I do a lot of it.

Especially when we were in EastEnders.

You know, the guys I worked with can testify that I'm not...

telling porkie pies now.

- I did most of it. - Who are they?

Over there. Wave, boys.

- Did he do his stunts? - Rob!

"He did". Thank you very much. I'll see you later.

What do you drive? Go on. Let me...

I can't guess, actually.

I drive a 996 Turbo.

- Oh, a 911? - Yeah.

- It's quite a nice car. - It's a very nice car.

Actually, it is. I hate to say this

'cause I've always hated 911s.

- Why? - The engine is in the wrong place.

Where should it be then? Where the driver is, at the back? No...

- No... - It's in the middle of the car.

911, it was in the back. But now it sits in the centre of the car,

which is where the Formula One engine is.

It's a rear-engine car, still.

Even now, it is a rear engine. Am I right?

- Yeah. - No.

They're all car bores here.

We had a thing last week where I said,

"Would you, to any of the people watching at home

like to nominate someone who you think is a car bore?"

We thought we'd get six or seven replies.

Do you know how many people wrote in and said, "I am living with a car bore"?

1,500. All women!

Every single one of them.

One of them said,

"My boyfriend reads a Haynes manual in bed every night."

For a car he doesn't own!

I want to play this game.

We played it with Jay Kay who came on the show last week.

He was frighteningly good at it.

You know, you start off with a little something

and we'll see if we can guess. I have no clue.

Audience, you're more than welcome to join in.

Let's bring the first one up. See if we can guess what it is.

That's a...

- What? - An Audi TT.

An Audi TT? Let's have a look. Pull it out a bit.

- It is, it's a TT. - As you can tell.

You are pathetic!

Well, both of us got blasted there. Let's have the next one.

Oh, I know what that is I reckon.

- Do you want to hazard a guess? - Not a clue.

One only car firm still puts its hinges on the outside.

I don't even know which car firm that is.

Solihull, I reckon.

I am going to have a stab at this one. Land Rover.

- A Defender. Go out. - You're right.

- Feeling confident. - You're right.

Ooh, I've got one!

That's the first one I've had in two weeks.

There it is. Good one, that one. Let's have a look at the next one.

Calibra...?

Calibra shape, but the headlamps are too modern for it.

- Anyone? Come on. - C'mon.

- Alfa Romeo? - Alfa Romeo what?

- Punto. - It's a Punto.

How do you know? You can't even see!

All these people are doing courses in designing cars, I believe.

If that's a Punto... it could be a Seat actually.

No, it's not. It's gonna be a Punto.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Do you talk to your girlfriend about that sort of thing?

You walk down the street like this going, "That's a..."

"It's a Hillman Hunter." Come on. Let's bring up another one.

OK. Here we go.

That's a Boxster, isn't it?

- Is it a Boxster? - Or it could be a turbo.

- Let's have a look. Pull out. Let's see if Ross... - Turbo.

Is it a...

- It's your car! - It is my car.

- That's why I got that one! - Well done, Ross.

Your 911, you don't just potter about in it, either.

I mean, do you wanna... OK...

Just tell the nice ladies and gentlemen what you did for your holiday last year.

I got in the car, which I wanted to enjoy obviously,

'cos that's why you buy things like that if you save up for them.

And I drove round the west coast of France,

through Spain, up into Italy, from Italy into Switzerland,

then into Germany, then from Germany back into France,

then back home.

That's a pathetic holiday.

How many times... how long did it take?

Not long. About five days?

Five days?

We hammered it. It was about six days.

We didn't sleep, we just drove.

- Even... - It was two of us driving.

It's not a holiday then!

No, but it was for me. I loved it, I enjoyed every second of it.

There's things you can do on the autobahns you obviously can't do in this country

and that's what the car was designed for.

- Going fast. - How fast did you go?

200?

- Up to 200. - Over 200?

Up to 200, yeah. It goes up to 200.

And talking of speed, of course you're not just here to chat and play silly games.

Oh, no. Go...

He was brought here, same as all our celebrity guests,

to play Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car.

- The idea is... - It's a very good car.

Absolutely is. We put our celebrity guest earlier on,

into our Suzuki Liana, £10,000 of throbbing muscle...

- It's a good car. - We send you out, round the track,

and we film it, see how fast you can do it,

end of the series we name Britain's fastest celebrity.

We're going to be seeing it later because it's got to be edited.

But for now, ladies and gentlemen, Ross Kemp!

On this week's insider trading, we've got some real bargains.

Ever fancied an Alfa Romeo?

- Yeah, I think most people have at some point. - 166. Gorgeous-looking car.

- 166, the big one. It is a glamorous car. - Great looking car.

The only problem with the Alfa Romeo is,

it may depreciate, and cost a lot to keep on the road.

But you can get one now direct from Alfa Romeo, brand new, for £349 a month.

That's not that much, how does this work?

Contract hire. £1,000 deposit,

and then 35 months at £350 a month.

You can drive that car for three years,

and enjoy, even have the servicing paid, then hand it back.

These are these personal contract plans?

It's actually contract hire. You've got to be VAT registered.

But it's so cheap. Unbelievable.

350 a month. I mean, what would you pay for other cars?

Well, did the checks, phoned up some leasing companies.

For £350 a month, you could drive instead, a Vectra.

- Nice. - Diesel!

Oh. Glamorous.

Or a 406 - diesel!

This is the one that was a close-run thing for me -

a fully loaded Skoda Octavia!

Really? I think I'll take the Alfa.

There are other cars, like Mercedes 5-series?

- How would that be? - Two litre, a 2.2-litre on a 520 BMW.

You're looking at about £100 a month more.

- It's a big difference. - £452 I got on a Merc E-Class.

- Glamorous Italian car on the cheap. Nice one. - So cheap.

Only lasts a month. So November's your month to do it.

- Do it now. - Another absolute bargain, this time on a used car.

Daewoo. They went into liquidation.

The administrators are now trying to get rid of all the stock,

all the staplers, the computers, the whole lot.

And part of that deal is, they've got to get rid of the cars.

- All the company. - All the company...

700 used Daewoos are just hitting the marketplace.

- What, right now? - Right now.

They're actually going to auction this week. So...

by next week, they'll be on dealer forecourts.

So presumably, Daewoos are cheap cars anyway,

- does this mean, they're gonna be cheap-cheap? - Absolutely.

A Lanos which would have costed £10,500 new.

You can pick one of those up, probably about 18 months old for just over £4,000.

But if there's that many, 700 odd cars?

Is that enough to affect a whole market?

Does that mean, all Daewoos are now gonna be cheap?

- Or even cheaper. - Even cheaper.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean there is some nervousness, because.

GM have taken over. They'll build a new network.

And probably by this time next year,

there will be 100 new dealers out there so you'll get your service and warranty.

But in the next few months, if you want a cheap car, it's not bad.

- £4,000. - That is a cheap car.

Yeah. And, another one...

final one here, really good.

Now, loads of people run a second car.

They normally look for something cheap to run, a hatchback.

- Yeah. - And there's loads of cars out there.

You're gonna spend anything from £9,000 to £15,000 on one.

Say, a Clio, a typical...?

Yeah, or a Fiesta or a base Focus.

Something like that. Cheap to run, easy to drive, power steering, air conditioning

great. The only problem is with any new car, they're no exception,

it depreciates badly. So in three years' time,

whatever you've bought pretty much,

its lost about two-thirds of its value.

Now here's an idea, you can buy a Ford Mondeo.

- Right. - Which is a good car.

Yeah, a '99 on an S, something like that, three years old,

35 - 40,000 miles,

you'd pick one of those up for about £4,500.

So it's a much bigger car and if it's only a couple years old,

- it's still quite fresh. - Absolutely. Absolutely.

Buy from a dealer, get a warranty,

full service history, you've got your air con, power steering, air bags.

All the bits you want.

And the most you can lose on that car

is going to be £1,000 a year in depreciation.

Run it for four years, throw it away.

That's even more money saved, we can have bigger cars for less money.

Jason, that's fantastic.

I mean, more real life advice on how to save real money.

- You'll make us all millionaires by the end of... - Thanks very much.

Earlier on, Richard argued that

the Citroen DS is the best-looking car in the world ever.

Well, this is the Lamborghini Miura,

the world's first mid-engine road car, 0-60 in 5.5 seconds.

In 1966.

Look at the slats there, on the back window.

Look at the way it kicks up slightly at the back.

I love those rear wheel arches,

the way they seem to have pulled the metal over the tyres to make it fit.

Some say this is the best-looking car.

But it isn't. Because this is.

Aston Martin launched the DB7.

Ooh. That's a lovely noise.

But to be honest, I could pull this car apart.

The early models were very badly made,

and it wasn't just one thing, either.

Some of them caught fire, some of them just stopped.

The one I had, had been built like Mr Potato Head.

It just sort of fell apart.

There's more too, it's based on the Jaguar XJS,

which means its underpinnings are 25 years old now.

And in dog years, that makes it 438.

Where's the climate control?

Where's the radar-guided cruise control?

Where's the voice activation for all the equipment you do get?

Radio Two. CD track three.

Nothing.

You can get that sort of stuff these days on a Jag costing half the price.

But not in this.

See what I mean about the noise?

But where's the get-up-and-go?

Even with a six-litre V12, it's no more powerful than a parish council.

I might also ask, where's the headroom?

See, the problem is, the engine's computer is underneath the driver's seat.

So it feels like you're sitting on a highchair.

And it's even worse in the convertible. 'Cause the roof's about here.

I could go on all day,

listing things that are wrong with this car.

But think about it,

if you had one, and you were going out in the evening,

you could say, "Shall we take the Aston?"

And that sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

Pretty good.

Shall we take the Aston?

Aston.

As you cruise round Mayfair, past Purdy, and Tiffany and Claridges,

you feel at home in a car like this.

And it's not just the name

that sends a shiver down the spine.

It's the looks.

And I don't think the DB7 is good-looking for a car, either.

For me, the three best-looking things ever made by man are,

at number three, the Humber Suspension Bridge,

at number two, the SR71 spy plane, and at number one, this,

the Aston Martin DB7.

When Michael Parkinson has a cricketer on his show,

- and you get that... - My next guest is a remarkable man,

the laws of physics mean nothing to him,

and if I had ovaries, I'd bear his children.

Well, that's how I feel right now. Because

I'm joined by the man who designed the DB7, Ian Callum.

Now, Ian. You know Ivan the Terrible?

You don't know him. But Ivan the Terrible...

When his people had built the Basilica in St Petersburg,

he had their eyes gouged out

so that they'd never do anything better.

Did anyone at Aston Martin say, "Ian, we've got to have your eyes, mate?

"'Cause you'll never top this."

Certainly not if you go to work for someone else. Where are you now?

- I am at Jaguar. - Yeah.

They wanted the Vanquish first. So they looked after me for a little while.

- That's another beauty. That's an absolute beauty. - It's not bad.

And do you know the really scary thing, everybody?

I've heard we'll never see the like of cars this ever again,

because of... legislation.

- Legislation. - From Brussels?

Not necessarily. It's also from the car industry itself. It's self-policing.

- Is it? - It's pedestrian legislation.

What kind of things wouldn't be allowed if you did the DB7 in a few years' time?

What is it that's going to change?

Pedestrian legislation dictates

you have to have a lot of air between the bonnet and the engine.

- So if you run someone over, their head hits the bonnet... - Can deform into the bonnet.

- How much air? - About three inches.

- So you're gonna need to get that bonnet... - Absolutely.

- You can't smooth it over. - We've got to lift it above the engine.

However, technology might help us there.

We may be able to deploy the bonnet. That's a very difficult thing...

- Deploy it? - Actually deploy the bonnet. Yes.

- What do you mean, deploy it? - It actually lifts up.

- When you hit someone? - Yes.

- Fantastic! - It's very difficult.

I'm gonna run that person over. Look at my bonnet!

You think, that might be possible?

That may be possible, but it's not the immediate answer.

There's also other legislation coming in,

mainly from the US, for looking after unbelted occupants.

That's people who drive a car who do not wear seatbelts. We must look after them.

According to the law.

- American law? - Absolutely.

- If they don't... - Many Americans...

- I'm too fat... - ...don't wear seatbelts.

- Really? - Really. Absolutely.

- And you have to protect them? - And we have to protect them.

- So that they don't hurt themselves. - Absolutely.

How will this change the shape of the front?

Well, what happens is we calculate the trajectory of the head,

and that sets up a package which comes in through the front of the car here.

This point here has to go up and possibly forwards,

which means the screen probably gets deeper.

- Because... - You can't presume...

- You'll have to move that out. - Yes.

So, that will come out. That's Postman Pat's van!

If you've got it to here and straight along...

That's probably exaggerating but we do call it the ice cream van, at work.

- I'll tell you what I'd like to do now, OK? - Yes.

Is... I love it

when I see these car designers,

they can draw cars beautifully when you just give them a pen and paper.

- Some of them can. - Don't!

If you did the Escort Cosworth and that, you can draw.

Let's get Peter in as well. This is your easel here.

Ian, that's your easel there.

We want to think of something we want them to draw. Any suggestions?

- Impreza. - Something we want to see in the future.

- E-Type. - E-Type.

How about a modern day E-Type?

Since you're at Jaguar, this shouldn't be too difficult.

You're at Jaguar as well, but higher up.

You can both get cracking, now.

I tell you what.

Another easel here. I'll have a go as well.

How hard can it be to be a car designer?

Peter, is this okay for you, because having worked at Volvo,

they had Etch-A-Sketches.

That's true. We don't use computers.

I'm gonna start with the wheels. Anyone got a coin I can draw around?

Are you gonna be doing it with current legislation in mind,

or are you going to be doing what you'd like to do without the Americans

being involved?

- What we'd like to do. - Good idea.

How big should it be with wheels that big?

Why are you laughing?

It's not a Hummer! It's an E-Type.

I've finished! Fantastic. Let's have a look at yours.

- Where's the engine? - In the front.

- It's a front engine? - Yes.

- Ah, that's fantastic. - It could be rear.

You've got no overhang at all. DB7's got quite a big one.

- None at all. - That's very beautiful.

Let's have a look what the former Volvo man's done.

- Early days, but... - It's exactly the same!

How did you do that?

That's exactly the same! Look at that!

That's exactly the same.

Can we get the two of them brought together?

I'd definitely put your name on it. He's nicked it.

- Look at that. - Okay.

They're exactly the same!

Well, that's why we're both designing Jaguars.

Do you know what I think looking at this?

I suspect, boys, that there is an E-Type Jag coming,

and that you both know exactly what it looks like.

If you want to vote for what you think is the best-looking car ever,

you can do so by going near an internet,

or sending us a letter in a post-box,

or you can telephone using a cellular telephone.

Anyway. Thank you very much. Ian Callum and Peter Horbury.

Lovely to have you along.

Thank you.

Well,

the tape has been edited.

Oh, put me out of my misery, please.

- Shall we see the lap? - Oh, go on, please.

Play the lap.

Oh! That's good.

I'm doing this in the pouring rain.

That was rubbish.

Floor, floor, floor, floor, floor. Second.

Ooh! Ross go!

That was too steep. It looks slower on television!

Second. You broke too soon...

And you're in it, taps it.

Full power, full power.

Brake. Oh, you're too early!

Bring it in. You've got to put some power on.

You lost all your power, son.

Messed up the last bend.

- You messed up the last bend. - There you go.

Now, the thing is, as you pointed out at the start, it was raining, OK.

- It was. - Rain slows you down.

What we thought we'd do... after you did that,

we sent the Stig, the tame racing driver out.

Now he went round. On a dry track, 1:46.

We sent him out in the wet and he did a 1:50.

So in other words, he was four seconds slower because of the rain.

Would you like to know what your wet time was?

Camera in nice and tight, on Ross.

- We tell you... - I...

- Why did I do this? - Do you think it's slower than Harry Enfield?

I hate you! I hate you so much.

Clarkson, I am gonna get you back at some point.

Remember, we take four seconds off for a dry time.

- Your time... Ross Kemp. - This is the wet time.

Your wet time Star-In-A-Reasonably-Priced-Car

was one minute, 54 seconds.

I think a round of applause for that.

- Well, I'm surprised. - Because actually...

I'll put you there. I've got a "W" on it for wet, OK?

- Actually, you and I, we are the same. - We like that.

- I like that. - Well done. Ladies and gentlemen, Ross Kemp.

Thanks, mate.

Right. Grannies going doughnuts. It is time.

They've seen what they've got to do.

All they've got to do now is have a go.

And we get to see what happens, so they're all gonna have a go.

First up, Joy had a bash.

Joy is 73. You don't mind me saying that.

From London. And is proud to say she once won an essay-writing competition.

So, congratulations to you but this was a bit more exciting.

Here's what happened.

- I can't reach the pedals. - I'll put you forward.

Try the clutch. Can you get full travel?

I never take my clutch off like that ever.

I'm always very careful with my clutch.

Do it sort of, you know, gently?

- Good luck to Joy. - She's quite nervous, is Joy though.

Yes!

Get it going.

Dip the clutch now. Build the revs.

Build the revs up. Let the clutch out hard.

That's it. Keep it there. Don't do anything.

Just keep...

Keep going! Keep going! Good girl.

Keep going.

Go, go! Less throttle. Not quite so much throttle. That's it!

Well done.

Ah! We... we didn't know what to say.

Joy, that was... what a star! That was fantastic!

That's not all, okay? Now the next three have a go.

Okay. This is Gwyneth.

Take the clutch. Build the revs up. Clutch out.

Power! More power. That's good. Keep it going.

Keep it going. Keep going.

Yeeay!

Whoa! In the rough!

And now it's Beryl.

That's better.

Build the revs up!

Keep your foot on the floor, that's good, keep it going!

Keep going on the throttle! That's good. Keep going.

Harder on the throttle! Harder, that's good! Keep it there!

Keep it there! Hard on the throttle!

And back now to Gwyneth.

Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going!

- That's good. Let it out now, hard! - And finally, Ann.

Keep it going, just the same.

Keep it going, keep it going!

- You're going round and round! - Well done.

Can you hear the applause? Keep going.

Don't stop, you're doing the best one!

Don't stop. Keep it going.

That's good. Keep going.

Okay, stop now. Go straight ahead.

Oh, fantastic!

- How was that? - Brilliant!

Thank you.

I can't tell you how exciting that was to be there, you were all stars.

But we've proven then that, you know,

older people can drive properly.

But we want to know how far can you go with this,

I mean, you know, seventies.

- This is Sadie. Hello. - Hello.

- How old are you, Sadie? - I'm not telling you.

- She's 80. - No! Richard!

She is 80. Watch this.

Imagine doing that round Piccadilly Circus!

You'd raise a few eyebrows. Ooh, my word!

Ooh, hello!

Hang on in there, Sadie!

Power, hard power,

go on, power it! Harder!

More power, more power!

Keep it going!

Keep it going! Go, go, go, go, go!

Good girl! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant, fantastic!

Keep it going!

Back off a bit on the throttle!

Keep it going, keep it going!

- What a star! - Wha-wha-wha!

What got me is once she'd started, she wouldn't stop until her tyres were gone!

Yours was better than Russ, the instructor!

- She did the best doughnut! - Without Russ, what would we have done?

- They liked Russ. - Oh, yes!

I've got to say to all of you, you are all as we've established, stars,

old people can drive, grannies can drive, fantastic!

I've never seen anything like that!

It's amongst the most inspiring sights I've ever seen.

When Sadie's little white head disappears in smoke!

Another challenge, we've have the old ladies in,

if you are a man of the cloth, and we're not being...

- we can be multi-denominational about this, if you'd like. - Yeah.

Any religious denomination, we can have mullahs,

- or rabbis... or priests... - Yeah.

- I'm struggling to remember...! - I don't know any more...

If you're one of those type of people,

who goes to work

collar on back to front, dress, whatever,

you think you can drive, you think you can get around our test track more quickly

than someone from another religion, get in touch.

No, that's a good idea.

I'd quite like to see, Hector the rector up against a mullah.

"He's been mullah-ed."

I want to say that.

So write to us at, er...

What address shall we have this week?

"I am a man of God and I want to drive fast,

Top Gear, BBC Television,

Wood Lane, London. I never know this properly.

London W12 7TS or F.

Put both.

Or you can use your ecclesiastical internet

or you can use a quill and a carrier pigeon.

In the first programme of the series,

we saw the magnificent Zonda go round our test track in the capable hands of Stig,

in an amazing 1:23.

We all thought we'd never see anything go quicker than that.

But we threw it out to the world and said,

"If you've got a car that can beat that, get in touch."

We had thousands of responses, most of which frankly we threw away.

But we heard from one, that,

listen, it caught my eye...

- It caught my eye. - ..a small company called Westfield.

This is their car, it is the Westfield XTR.

This programme is about style - I'm in my special trousers, you've turned up with this.

It's form following function, it looks good.

And another thing... We said you can only take a car on the track if it's road-legal.

Yes, and you can. Look.

So, that'll be it on the road, then.

So you can take it on the road, but it won't beat the Zonda on the track.

- The Zonda has a 7.3-litre engine and this has a... - 1.3-litre engine.

- 1.3? - But it's very light.

- Listen. Have you driven one? - Look, it's...

I'm 42 years old, you don't get in orange cars when you're 42!

Probably a good point. Well, I have driven it.

Look.

The Westfield XTR.

It only has a 1300CC engine. It doesn't have a leather, chrome,

aluminium and carbon fibre interior. It doesn't really have an interior.

You don't get a pair of the Pope's shoes with it like you do with the Zonda.

You don't actually get a windscreen, in fact.

And you can build one yourself in your garage for under £20,000.

But this only weighs 410kg.

Now, a Mini weighs almost three times that much.

So just maybe we could have a proper David and Goliath thing going on here.

Now that engine, yeah, it's only a 1300, but it's a bike engine.

A Suzuki Hayabusa to be precise, which means it develops 170bhp.

And in a car this light,

that equates to a power to weight ratio of 460bhp per ton.

It's a lot. It's a heck of a lot!

The mighty Zonda only manages 440bhp per ton.

So, maybe a budget DIY job could embarrass a mega-money supercar.

The best thing about having a bike engine is it means revs and more revs!

And then more revs! It's incredible!

Every control is absolutely rigid!

The steering is like reaching down and turning the wheels with my hand!

Because it's a bike engine, we also get a bike clutch,

designed to be used with your fingers, not your foot.

It means you've got to be very, very precise and careful with it.

Once again, that grip just...

Rrrr! This car is so much better than I am! It's laughing at me.

Do you know, I've just sorted my Christmas present list.

"Dear Father Christmas,

"Don't come down the chimney. I'll leave the garage door open.

"Drop it off."

See. What a machine! It's a proper little Jack Russell.

So, will it go round our test track faster than the mighty Zonda?

No.

Thanks for your faith. Right, we'll see.

That's the Stig, there's the telemetry, look.

That is not a slow car, is it?

Well, it's not as fast as the Zonda. I'll tell you, there's no way

a 1.3-litre car could get down to the first corner as fast as the Zonda.

No way.

Look how he goes through that first corner, that's an interesting line.

Power to weight, you see, guys. Power to weight.

Now, as you know, you can see the 'G'

on the little graph as he comes up to the steady state corner,

Chicago Corner, we call this.

There's the map - the little red dot progressing around here.

Look at those numbers!

The Zonda was doing 184,000 at this stage.

- But look at this thing corner. - This is the Hammerhead,

the most feared corner on any track, it'll unsettle nearly anything.

But not that, look, if you could...

Want to know something terrifying? Yes.

- That's two seconds faster than the Zonda. - Thank you!

If you could see the Stig's face,

it'd be smiling, I reckon. I mean, look at this!

He's losing now.

You're talking rubbish, you're nowhere tall enough to know.

I'll mention power to weight again!

Here comes the time, 1.21, 1.22.

- 1.22. - Shh...

Fantastic! How good was that?

A £20,000 car you can build in your shed,

that's in your shed, guys!

Beat the Zonda.

So I'm going to put that on here.

- XTR... - What was it?

It was 1.22.6, I'm going to round it up to 1.23.

The Zonda did it in 1.23. That goes on the top.

That is the quickest car, the Westfield did it.

- On that bombshell, we... - Ooh no! Before you do that, Jeremy.

Important thing. Remember with the designers, Jeremy did his drawing for us?

Oh, I'd forgotten about it.

Bear in mind how many cars this man's driven over the centuries.

- Let's have a look at this. - I am better at driving.

Let's have a look. Show everyone... That...

I mean, it is good. The only problem was my wheels went wrong.

- Pathetic. - We'll send it to Hyundai.

- That's their next new model. - They'd bite your arm off.

Um, there's no point telling you what's in next week's show

'cause we always change our mind last minute,

but you can be assured, there'll be some of this:

That's the Aston Martin Vanquish versus the Ferrari 575

with the Fiorano handling pack on it. Don't miss it.

Night!

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97