Original subtitles

(tense music)

(upbeat music)

- [Cody] You know that there are over

one billion gamers worldwide?

And that the average age of a gamer is 37 years old?

The anatomy of a gamer looks something like this.

First off is hand-eye coordination.

A true gamer could flick an atom off a gnat's ass

as it flew by.

True story.

Next up, posture, which really doesn't matter

because owning people can be done from any position.

I once got sniped by a guy

who said he was in the middle of intercourse.

He sent me a pic to prove it.

I mean, getting sniped was the least of my worries.

I didn't even know my mom liked gamers.

You see, gamers are the new athletes.

But most people wouldn't know that.

They just go to bars and cheer for people

that they will never meet in person.

(patrons cheering) - What the?

- [Cody] They fail to realize that there is a cyber-athlete

in just about every home in this world.

So, unfortunately, we have to put up with people like this.

- Yes!

- Watch it! Geek!

- [Cody] This chick isn't fooling us.

We know exactly how her Friday nights will go.

making Daddy proud.

(woman coughs)

- Ah! This party's so sick, man!

- [Cody] It's time to recognize the new athletes

of the 21st century.

These trolls will try to compete, but to us gamers,

they will always be a bunch of noobs.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I hate the way you chose me as someone to love ♪

♪ To try to impress me with your lies ♪

♪ Number nine ♪

♪ I would rather watch "The Sound of Music" in my pajamas ♪

♪ Than take a walk on the wild side ♪

♪ Number eight ♪

♪ Did you know that you just shut up for just one second ♪

♪ That a feeling of joy and happiness will appear ♪

(Andy imitating video game sounds)

♪ Your bullshit makes it worth it ♪

- Okay.

Got you an eight and an eight and a half.

(gags) Oh, my God!

Wow!

Just slide it in real nice.

(Oliver gags)

(text beeping)

- Come on, you apes! You wanna live forever?

Yeah! Kill 'em all!

Kill 'em all!

(text beeping)

- What? I can't get on, man. I just started an open house.

- Dude, that is right. Open house, all right?

So open the door, let those bitches in, all right?

So you can go home and log on.

We gotta play the Black Assassins!

- We just played them, man.

They beat our ass every single time. I hate those kids.

- Dude, it's the clan generator, all right, random pick.

It's the last time we're gonna get to play the Assassins

before the tourney.

- I told you, man, quit talking about that damn tourney.

I'm broke, dude. This housing market sucks.

- Dude, listen to me, you're fourth in the world, all right?

We're all broke.

The tourney's the only thing you should be thinking about.

- I'd be number one if I didn't have to work

this stupid-ass job.

I gotta sell a house so my wife will quit bitching at me.

Then I can play.

- Well, look, think how happy you'll be and she'll be

when you're splitting up

that fat, fat championship money, baby.

You know what, she'll be so happy, she'll be like, "Oh!"

And you'll be like, "Eh!"

And you'll be like, "Ooh!"

- You're an idiot, dude.

All right, listen, I got a couple of raisins walking up.

I'm gonna throw some cards on the counter,

and when Alzheimer's sets in, I'm gonna duck out.

I'll be on in 20.

- Hi! How are you? - Hi. Fine!

- What a lovely dead animal you got draped across your neck.

Did you kill that yourself?

Let's go on in. Thank you.

Oh, that's just excellent.

Okay. Thanks.

All right, so it's a house. You know that.

(phone ringing)

- Andy! Yo, give me some news.

- Clan match, Black Assassins, one hour, boy.

- Nice!

Yeah, we need all the practice we can get, so it's good.

- Practice? This is a real match, princess.

You better be there.

- Yeah, well, I'm in either way, so.

- Yeah, hold on. - Yoo-hoo!

How's this look?

- Uh, you know what?

You, um, you were right, you, you are a small. (laughs)

I don't know what I was thinking.

- I've been trying on clothes

a lot longer than you wanted to be a woman.

(both laugh)

- (laughs) Even she knows you like the penis.

- Allegedly.

Look, I'm, I'm only working half a day, so I will be there.

- See you later, sweetheart. - I love, you hung up. Okay.

Okay! See what else we can try and grease you into.

Shall we?

(computer beeping) - There you go.

What's up, bro?

- [Hollywood] What's up, my brother?

- Log on. Clan match, one hour, bro.

- [Hollywood] Who's the victims?

- Black Assassins.

- [Hollywood] Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make them my beeyatches!

- Wait, did you say "beeyatches?"

- Hollywood always drops LA slang.

- Whatever, dude, just get a cell phone.

♪ Girl, you look so pretty ♪ (cell phone rings)

- Hello? - Cody!

- Yes? - This is Sarah.

♪ Itty bitty titty ♪

- Hi, Sarah. How are you?

- I'm pissed! I'm at the open house, and where are you?

- [Cody] I, um, I just left. I had to run a couple errands.

- An errand, Cody?

You can't leave random people

in our client's house without supervision.

- Why not? It's an open house.

They're adults.

- Oh, I've had it with you, Cody Thomas!

You haven't sold a house in months,

and I just heard you asked a prospective buyer's daughter

if she thought her mother was a prostitute?

- If you had seen what she was wearing...

- Oh, hi! Come on in.

Yeah, I'll be right with you. Okay.

This isn't working out, Cody. You're fired.

Don't worry about repaying your advance.

- Damn it!

♪ Girl you look so pretty ♪

- What's up, fellas?

- [Hollywood] In the house!

- What up, ladies?

- What's up?

I got fired for leaving my open house, that's what's up.

- [Andy] What?

- I know, man. Melissa's gonna kill me.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

- If you need, you are more than welcome

to stay at my place.

I got a queen-sized bed. It's really nice.

- Told you, Oliver, I'm not interested.

- So rude.

- Let's just win this game, man. I hate these dudes.

- Sup, beeyatches? Ready to take it in the ass again?

- Screw you, dude.

- You wish, Fraggett.

- I'm in no mood for your mouth, Chomama.

Where's the rest of your clan?

- I got some good news for you punks.

Only two of us is playing.

- Yo, Chomama, you know you need four

for an official clan match.

- Look, Pr3daTurD,

I can beat your whole weak-ass clan on my own.

So be grateful we even showing up.

- Why don't we just play, okay? I got Pilates in an hour.

♪ White lights ♪

- Cover RumPull4Skinz.

- Oh, and, I'm gonna, oh, yeah!

I'm dead. I'm dead.

- Are you serious?

- Let's rain on me. Get upset with me, 'cause it's my fault.

- Ah! - Come on!

- Wow. Why wouldn't you?

- Why wouldn't I what?

- How did I know you'd be playing that stupid video game?

It's only three in the afternoon.

- Yeah, so?

- So?

Normal people have jobs during the week, Cody!

Not playing damn video games!

- He's getting yelled at. He's getting yelled at, bro.

- You know this is how I relax.

Come on, Hollywood!

- Yeah, you sounds really relaxed, don't you?

Wait a minute. What are you even doing here right now?

Oh, my God, Cody.

You lost another job, didn't you?

(scoffs) You are pathetic.

- Oh, that's harsh.

- Cody, mute, mute, mute your mic.

- Must be that time of the month, huh?

- It is, Cody! It is that time of the freaking month!

- Dude, we can hear you!

- The time that I actually leave your worthless,

sorry, video game-playing ass!

- Man, I gotta record this.

- Yeah, I've heard that before.

- No, you know what? You're right, Cody Thomas.

You have heard that before, and I am sorry for that.

Because my psychic was right.

There is something big that's going to happen to me,

and it is not with you.

- What psychic? Your 1-900 numbers you call?

- First of all, Miss Theo is a real psychic.

She knew exactly how I was feeling before I told her.

She understands me, Cody.

- She's just some woman that lives in the ghetto

that gets you to pay 99 cents a minute

to be your friend on the phone.

And I pay for it.

- Ha! You pay for it?

- Oh.

- You don't pay for anything!

My hosting job is the only way

that we're able to pay for rent around here,

which, by the way, is a month behind!

- Okay, like you don't know this?

It's hard being a real estate broker right now.

- Yeah, let's talk about that.

You're a real estate agent.

I'm sorry, correction. You were a real estate agent.

You wear a blazer. A burgundy blazer.

You think the word broker

makes it sound like you're on Wall Street or something.

You actually made a fan of yourself. Awesome!

And to top it all off,

I'm embarrassed to even drive our car to the grocery store

because you've got the entire thing wrapped with your face!

- I was building a brand!

- Your brand reeks of desperation, Cody!

What's next, a bus bench?

- You're a bench.

- Exactly.

That's exactly how I thought you'd respond.

This video game rules your life.

We don't even have sex anymore because you're in a bad mood

because you lost some stupid clan match or something!

I mean, I'm beginning to think that you're gay.

- Damn!

- Really? Now I'm gay?

- Well, how should I know?

You have two friends!

One's a total slob

and the other one's still hiding in the closet!

- I'm not a slob.

- So not gay.

- I'm leaving you, Cody.

I'm leaving you for real this time.

I found someone else.

- Disaster.

- I'll, uh, I'll send someone to get Miss Kitty.

You feed her for a couple of days, okay?

Goodbye, Cody.

I hope your video game can grow a vagina

and fulfill your fantasies.

- Oh! That would be ideal.

(door thuds)

- Hell no, man! I cannot believe we just lost to two kids.

- Dude, we just heard everything.

- Rematch! Let's play again.

- I think, I think we've probably, we probably had enough.

Your wife, your wife just left you.

- (laughs) Ya'll some sorry-ass gamers!

RumPull4Skinz, you just got dropped like an atom bomb!

(laughs) I'll see you suckers in LA.

The king is out. Peace!

- We just lost to two 13-year-old kids.

- Dude, your wife just left you and-

- Forget her, man! I'm done with this clan!

- Cody, calm down, bro, we know what we did wrong,

and we'll fix it before Cyber Bowl, okay?

- Cyber Bowl after this performance?

You gotta be kidding me, man!

- Cody, we all agreed to go.

- I'm not going! Period!

- Don't worry, guys, look, when he cools off,

I'll talk to him, and we're gonna win this thing, man.

We're gonna be rich!

Baby, baby! We're gonna win that money!

- Papa needs that 100 grand in prize money.

Get a new Coach purse.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, what's going on, buddy?

- Hey! Game broke, I want my money back.

- Uh, yeah, broke in many pieces, bro.

Do you have disc protection?

- No.

- No? How about a receipt?

- No, no, no and no.

- No. - No and no.

I know, it's crazy. Just blew up, so...

- It just blew- - Yeah.

- It just blew up? - I don't know what happened.

That's on you.

You can tell me what happened.

- It's on me.

Um, I see what's on me is there's like,

this is really busted. - Yeah. I can't even play it.

That's unplayable.

- Okay, well, I don't think I can give you cash

or anything for that.

- Are you?

May I speak to your manager, please?

- Oh, yeah, I'll go get him. - Thank you.

- Hey, how you doing?

- Hey, now if you're a manager

you know that the customer is always right.

So, I'm telling you that the game shattered.

I'd like my money back, please.

- All right, well, the customer is always right,

when he's right.

- I have an idea.

Why don't you take many of your fingers

and type many of these little buttons here,

take many mouses or mice, take some many mice,

and many of these beep beep doot doots

and get me my many dollars back for the game that you broke.

- Yo, why don't I take many of my fingers,

ball 'em up in a fist, and break in your damn nose

and get blood all over your stupid-ass douche shirt.

- [Customer] Douche shirt?

- Why don't you see if those big-ass wings

can fly your ass on out the door?

Shouldn't you be grappling right now

with some other men on a mat?

- Take your game.

- Yo, man, you're scaring me.

- I hate people, man. Can you get out of here?

- Chris, I'm gonna take lunch.

- Uh, but I'm scheduled to take my lunch first today.

Okay, man, I'll, I'll take my lunch second.

- It's good to be king.

- [Cody] Come on.

- [Andy] You think she's coming back?

- No, I don't.

- That's a bummer, man.

- I don't even deserve her.

It doesn't even matter.

- Dude, you're wearing pajamas at 1:00 in the afternoon.

You're like the poster child for singles for life.

- Dude, I'm the poster child for screw-ups, man.

I think it's obvious now.

- Dude, you don't have to live like that, all right?

You know what, when life throws you a curve ball, bro,

just throw a mod chip of life in there and cheat it.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- I'm talking about being a champion,

using your God-given talent to make it happen.

Be RumPull4Skinz-Skinz-Skinz!

- You're talking about the tournament, man.

I know what you're talking about.

Why is it so important to you?

- Look, it's not just important to me, man.

It's important to all of us.

We all need this, bro. Everyone!

- Hollywood needs a game tournament?

He's a famous actor.

- Come on, we both know that Hollywood is not a movie star.

He's a good gamer, though, right?

So we need him for the tourney, whoever he is.

(Cody sighs)

- I'm hungry, bro, and I'm broke.

I need another taco.

- Really? Really?

- What do you want me to do, man?

- All right, I got it. - I have no job!

- All right.

- What the hell is that?

Holy crap! You got a picture of Girlgunz.

- Don't be an asshole. Her name is Ricki.

- Oh, my God, dude.

You've been obsessed with this chick ever since Dreamcast.

And wait a minute, dude, she was like 10 back then.

You got a van with no windows now or what?

Come on, you're disgusting.

- She was 10. She's not anymore.

She can drink now, dude.

Which means, boom boom boom!

- You want to go to LA because of that chick.

- It has nothing to do with the tournament.

- No.

We need this, bro. You need this, and that's just a bonus.

- How in the hell do you function in society, man?

You're like a six-foot-tall can of vagina repellant.

- My game is strong. Like bull.

Just, just tell me you'll go, bro. I need this.

- I cannot even believe that I'm even contemplating this.

- I'll give you half my prize money.

- I'm broke and you know it.

You have to pay for gas, for food, hotels,

possibly Oliver's stuff.

Dude, you have to pay for it. You got the job.

- Yeah! We going to Los Angeles!

We are gonna win this thing, bro!

(scatting) Give me one right here, bro!

Give me one right here, bro!

Give me one right here, bro!

Give me one right here, bro!

All right.

- All right, before we go, remember,

there's only three days until the Cyber Bowl Championships

right here in Los Angeles.

And I gotta be honest, from what I've seen,

this is shaping up to be the biggest one ever.

There's competitors from all over the globe.

Like Singapore, Canada, and they're all coming here

to compete for a $400,000 prize.

And it's in a lot of different games,

including "Gears of War 3."

But if that's not your speed,

you can go play one of the coin-operated games

and exercise your finger.

Now, who's gonna win that big money prize?

There's only one way to find out.

You gotta tune in to "Exploited TV." I'm Adam Sessler.

- You're serious about this?

- You're damn right I'm serious. (inhales and coughs)

This is my comeback.

- Okay, Greg, didn't we talk about this?

Okay, things have changed.

It's not 1984 anymore, bro.

- Man, this is a gift, man!

A second chance!

Coin-operated tournaments are back?

I'm gonna get to settle an old score,

you know what I'm saying?

- "Frogger?"

- "Frogger!"

Yeah! It's eluded me all these years!

- Okay, Greg, I really think you need to let this one go.

It's all about online gaming these days.

Nobody plays coin-operated games anymore.

They're dinosaurs!

Dude, you are the snowball king-

- Snow globe! - Whatever!

You're the king of LA!

The point is you're rich!

Blind rich! Snort coke off a tit rich!

You don't owe anyone anything.

- You know what?

Greg is dead, man.

Armagreggon. - Oh, boy.

- Armagreggon is back!

And guess what, I'm gonna show the world

that I'm the ultimate gamer champion!

Yeah, bro! Yeah!

- By killing your tree?

I gotta tell ya, I think this is a mistake.

The last time you tried this, and you failed,

your entire business almost went down the drain.

Now, look, these console gamers,

they're playing for hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Greg, your tourney pays, what?

A grand, maybe?

- You are a small-minded man, Jeff.

You're thinking only about money?

- I'm your business manager! It's my job!

- But let me just tell you something,

it's about pride too, man!

Pride is sack, bro.

Don't look at my junk because I'm a grower, not a shower.

But listen, what I'm trying to tell you right now, man,

it's pride that gives the competitive spirit its edge.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Pride didn't pay for a pool.

(upbeat rock music)

Pride didn't pay for a TV on an antique table by a pool!

Really?

All this money, you have a cassette player?

♪ I do it to run around ♪

- Okay, well, you know what?

I don't think this is a good idea.

As your manger, I'm going on record saying that.

But you're gonna do what you're gonna do.

Godspeed!

Okay, you know what? Seriously!

What is all this? What the hell are you doing, Greg?

- It's Armagreggon!

I told you Greg is no more.

Yeah! You know something?

I am gonna get in shape for this tournament.

You need to have the ultimate forearm strength

to play the way I play, not like those little kids

and their little consoles and their little stupid thumbs

where it doesn't take any, any strength,

doesn't take any fortitude,

doesn't take any skill, it's just... (growls)

I'm gonna show the world how it's done, bro.

- Don't you throw a Shake Weight at me.

What the hell's that for?

- Juicing, baby! Juicing!

Hey, turn my, turn my tunes back on, please?

Come on, come on, man. Be a friend.

This is really important to me.

This is more important-

- Good luck, Armagreggon! - Yeah, baby.

- May the frogs be with you.

- I like that. (laughs)

You're a... Oh, man.

(Greg panting) (upbeat rock music)

(computer beeping)

- Yes, yes. We leave and we leave early morning tomorrow.

I'm so excited.

- Well, congratulations. I'm really happy for you.

I know you guys have been wanting to do this

for a long time.

- Mm. I can't wait to see you in LA.

- Me too.

Maybe I can actually make it through a couple rounds

with my girls.

- Ah, come on, I feel like you guys

are gonna shock quite a few people.

- That's very sweet, but we can't even compete with you.

- Maybe you don't have to compete.

Maybe you can come back to the Reign Clan.

- Yeah, I wish I'd never left,

but, um, my girls need me now.

Plus, playing with RumPull4Skinz gave me panic attacks.

- I know, yes.

- Maybe if you make it here in one piece,

we can finally go on that date we've talked about

for a couple of years.

(Ricki laughs)

- I'm just kidding.

All right, Ricki, you have a good night, baby girl.

- Sweet dreams, Andy.

- See you in a few days.

(birds chirping)

Yeah! Whoa! Yes!

♪ Travel in this car seat ♪

- Are you ready for the best weekend of our lives, boy?

- Are you kidding me, man? Come on.

- Who's gonna have a good, widdle time?

Cody's gonna have a good, widdle time.

Oh, yes, he is.

Yes, he is!

- If you do that again at any time on this trip,

I'm turning us around.

- Bro!

You should be excited, man, all right?

We're about to go to the biggest, baddest,

bestest tournament in the world.

And we have a good chance of winning.

(engine rumbling)

- Don't get your hopes up.

- [Andy] I'm telling you, we can do this!

(upbeat music)

- [Cody] What is that?

- [Andy] What is what?

- Those, man.

- Um, what do you think they are, bro?

- Dude, really?

You're gonna drive across the country

with flowers in the car?

Water, vase, come on, man.

- Dude, I got a sweet deal from the hot chick

at the kiosk in the mall, I had to get 'em.

- Wow! - What a deal, bro.

- Sounds like a good one.

- You know what I'm saying?

- You don't mind if I take a smell, do you?

- Oh, no, go for it, bro.

- Thank you.

- Like heaven, yes?

- Oh! Andy, those, those are nice.

- You know what I'm saying, dude?

What are you doing, man?

- You could just buy 'em when we get there.

- No, Los Angeles is a desert, bro. They don't have flowers.

♪ You are my wizard sleeve ♪

♪ You must say pretty please ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ Give it a rub and a squeeze ♪

♪ Say it ♪

- [Andy] We're never gonna find flowers like that in LA.

- [Cody] Will you shut up about your flowers, man?

You sound like Oliver.

- Damn! You look good.

I would, I would do you. No, I wouldn't.

Yes, I would.

You sexy SOB. (horn honking)

Oh! Oh, oh...

Okay.

- Okay, so this is who you're gonna be

this whole entire trip, Captain Dickhead?

Come on, man. We're friends.

Please tell me you remember what that term means.

- I'm sorry, bro, but I'm getting divorced.

You know, divorced? It doesn't make you happy.

I can't be all like, "Oh, man, everything's cool!"

- I'm sorry, man. It must be eating you up inside.

You didn't deserve the way she left you, man.

- Thank you, bro.

Appreciate it. - I mean, come on.

I know, me, I know deep down,

beneath that prickish behavior of yours,

you're just a guy who needs love.

- Okay, man. Thank you.

- And seriously, for her to tell you

that she's leaving you during a clan match

and she's going to bang another dude, come on!

- Okay, man, thank you!

I get it. You care.

- Is that? Does he have lipstick on?

- Road trip! Right? (laughs)

Party time! Sup, guys?

Road trip!

- Hey, you sure got a purty mouth!

- Oh, you do. (laughs)

- Calm down, man.

Before you think Andy wants you to shine his pole,

you might wanna take a look in the mirror.

- I got a zit or something?

(laughs) I had you guys going!

- Yeah, going to put a lock on the closet door.

Let's get going, bro.

- No, no- - It's okay, bro.

It's okay. We know all about it.

♪ He was in the closet ♪

♪ He was in the closet ♪

- You.

You!

(grunts) Don't go weak on me, man.

Don't go weak on me, man!

Stay focused.

You are the greatest gamer in the world.

No. No.

You are the greatest gamer in the universe!

Don't go weak. Stay strong!

Stay strong! Stay, ow!

Stay strong!

Know what I hope?

I hope that one day some unfriendly aliens

come and land on this planet and they take it over,

and then when all else fails,

all hope is gone, they come to me

with my skills, to rescue all humanity.

That's my prayer.

That's my hope.

And that everyone discovers the essence that is me.

Armagreggon!

(Greg grunting)

- [Player] This is my game controller.

There are many game controllers like it.

But this one is mine.

Without me, my game controller is useless.

(upbeat music)

Without my game controller...

- Dude, that's what I'm saying, all right?

Some people still think gamers are anti-social virgins.

- They must have saw your picture first.

(Oliver laughs)

- I am serious, man.

We should be taken as serious as professional athletes.

- Yeah, dude, with like a fat-ass house

and five cars in the driveway, that'd be sick!

- Exactly!

- All right, enough, man.

Just tell me how long until we get to the hotel.

- All right, we have 386 miles, which is

about five and a half hours

till we get to Hollywood's house.

- Wait a minute, what?

Oh, damn, what are you talking about?

What do you mean, Hollywood's house?

- We need him for the tourney, he's in the clan,

we gotta pick him up.

- You know I cannot stand that guy, man.

And we gotta pick him up?

He annoys me.

- Look, last week I called and I think his wife answered.

- Oh! Did she sound hot?

- As if you would care, bro.

- Yeah, bro, I would care, okay?

I will have you know that I have spanked the bottom

out of a hoe or two before.

- All right, listen, Dr. Spank The Bottom Out, all right,

let me finish.

All right, so I called and she was a little surprised

that we didn't know that he had health conditions.

- He's got a health condition?

- Yeah, and it seems pretty serious.

They were at the hospital.

- Maybe, maybe that's why he does not act anymore.

- No, listen, she said, though, she's very happy

that we're gonna bring him to this tournament,

that, that this is probably what the doctor orders, man.

A litte, a little guy time.

A little, a little fun in the sun, man.

So this'll be good.

- This is ridiculous, man.

I'll pay, you pump.

- Oh! - I mean the gas, Oliver.

- Fine, I'll do it. - Oh.

I'll just stay in here.

Wait for you guys.

(bell dings)

♪ You are my wizard sleeve ♪

♪ You must say pretty please ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ Give it a rub and a squeeze ♪

- You think you're a little young to be drinking coffee?

- I'm from New York, asshole.

Caffeine was in my mother's breast milk.

- Maybe you're a little young to be cursing then.

- Um, excuse me, Dr. Phil,

but I don't think anyone asked you, did they?

- Look, devil child, just grab your little moo-moo juice

or whatever you need to make that little babyccino,

and skip on out the door.

(Britney scoffs) (Cody scoffs)

Guess Mommy didn't love you enough.

- I'll have you know my mother and I

have a great relationship, unlike yours, I'm sure.

- First of all,

what would you know about my relationship with my mother?

Do the puppets have a song about therapy now or what?

- Puppets are for brain-dead children.

So don't condescend me as if I'm some child

still picking boogers and sleeping in my own shit.

You're just a self-absorbed prick

that feels he can vomit his thoughts and opinions

on anyone at any time.

And you're wrong.

- Self-absorbed? - Yes.

I assume that's your picture

on the side of your car outside?

It's a self gratification tool

that somehow makes you feel more important about yourself,

as if it's a billboard or something.

Yeah, it's a car, and it makes you look like a douche.

- I was building a brand.

- Really? A brand?

That's how you justify that?

Since you felt the need to try and sum up my life as a child

because of my interest in coffee and obscenities,

why don't you give me a try to sum up yours?

I can tell by your personality

that mommy didn't give you enough attention.

Or you possibly stayed on the nipple a year or two too long.

- I think it's good, I think it makes you look good,

'cause of conditioner and stuff like that.

- I'm trying, dude, 'cause, you know,

this is the first time I'm gonna meet Ricki and-

- Oh, dude! No, no, no! Dude! - Girlgunz.

- Look what I got for the friends!

- What did you get? What did you get?

- Right! - No way, bro!

Shirts for the tourney! - Reign Clan!

- This is awesome

'cause I know all the other clans have shirts!

- Now we have shirts. - We do.

- You are awesome.

You are an idiot, bro!

R-E-I-G-N is reign.

R-E-I-G-N is reign.

Now we're the Riegn Clan!

Hey, guys, check 'em out. Here they come.

The Riegn Clan.

- And by the tan line on your ring finger,

I assume that you tried to marry someone

that reminded you of your mother.

Go ahead and deny it, but it's true, isn't it?

That sort of dysfunctional,

verbally abusive relationship somehow gave you peace.

And those clothes you're wearing

are a cry for your yearning to be young.

But those wrinkles tell me a different story,

don't they, Peter Pan?

- Who are you?

- I'm your conscience.

And your life will only get worse

if you don't get a grip on your anger issues.

- This is gonna sound crazy, but thank you.

I feel like I needed to hear this.

- You're welcome.

- Can I have a hug?

- Sure. Why not?

- Come here.

(mother gasping)

Your daughter is amazing.

- You sick bastard!

- Wait a minute, lady, I was just talking to your daughter!

What are you doing?

(soda thudding)

- Call the cops! Call the cops!

- The police come soon!

I know how to make them come in one minute.

- What are you doing?

- Hi, 911? I'm just your average, white taxpayer.

I notice there's a commotion going on at the gas station.

(pepper spray hissing)

Hey, I believe in Jesus. All right, I'll see you soon.

- [Mother] Call the goddamn cops!

- Look at my bat! It's gonna match your face!

Bring your ball sack!

- So either you wrote down the wrong word-

- Start the car! Start the car!

- Whoa! Is that Cody?

(all shouting)

- [Cody] Start the car!

- [Andy] Get in the car!

- Cody, what are you doing?

Come on, get in the car!

Get your feet in!

- Ah! Ah! - Get your feet in!

(all shouting)

(tires screeching)

- Oh, my God! Just go!

- Making friends again, Cody? - Ow!

- Dude, what happened in there?

- Oh, my God, man! Oh!

It's like this little girl's freaking mom shocked me

and sprayed me, that bitch!

- Why would she do that?

- I just, we were hugging, man!

It was just like-

- You were hugging a little girl?

- Shut up, man! It wasn't like that, you idiot!

- Yeah, that's, that's a new low.

- Look, I know you're in pain, bro,

but there's no reason to go gay bashing, all right?

You're a pedophile.

- Who's a gay basher? Who's gay?

- He's gay bashing

- Oh, 'cause he's yelling at me that's gay bashing?

I'm not gay!

(Cody shouting)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Caught in a web ♪

♪ Standing with empty hands ♪

♪ Trying to fool 'em wherever he stands ♪

♪ Don't mess around ♪

♪ You'll be aiming for the first time ♪

- I can't see anything.

- What does his license plate say?

- It says "bug killer."

- There's a license plate? - Bug killer. This is it, man.

- What if he's like a pesticide guy, man?

- Yeah, a pesticide guy, man, with a Porsche

and a big-ass house.

- And a two-million dollar house.

Come on.

- You figure it out.

I can't see a house either.

- Well, you know what, why don't you-

- Shh, yo, yo, who's, somebody's coming out of the house.

- [Cody] Oh, God.

- [Oliver] Yo, is that him?

- I think that's, that's Hollywood, bro, that's him.

- [Oliver] That's him.

- We got it, we got it come on!

- Dude, where are you?

- [Oliver] Hollywood!

- Hey, hey! Get off of me, man!

- Yes, man, this is awesome, bro.

You packed?

Do we really have to have dinner with your wife or?

- What?

- That's the dude from "Starship Troopers."

Hollywood...

- Hey, back off. You need to get a life.

That movie was 15 years ago.

Now get off my property.

Unless you got $30, then I'll sign an autograph.

- You know, I just wanted to let you know, real quick,

you are even more handsome in real life.

- All right, look, I got a standing restraining order

against your kind, so back off.

- Dude, it's me! Pr3daTurD, RumPull4Skinz, Fraggett.

Dude, video games to the neck.

- I don't know you, and if those are your nicknames,

you need to back off five more feet.

- Wait a minute, man, we've been playing games

with you for three years.

You're Hollywood, we're here at this address,

see you, it's your car, it's your dumb-ass license plate.

- (laughs) You're talking about Julie's kid.

- Who is Julie and who is her kid?

- Julie's my girlfriend, and her kid is this kid

that plays video games all night talking to himself,

or maybe he's talking to you idiots, I don't know.

Makes sense now.

- I'm gonna kill you, man.

- Hey, at least he was telling half truths.

I mean, it's Casper...

- He isn't telling us anything, man!

You made us drive out here!

Why don't you go in and find out, all right?

Go ahead. Ring the doorbell.

- Look, let's go see, maybe the kid's a big, he's awesome.

- On a side note, I gotta tell you,

you are aging just wonderfully.

- [Cody] Come on, Fraggett.

- Hm, pretty cute.

- Don't, don't, no, no, no! - Don't, don't what?

- Let's just get in the car and go. Let's go.

What are we here for? What are we here, with that?

Let's get out of here, man.

We don't even know what's on the other side of the door.

- I actually agree with him.

We can find somebody at the tournament to take his spot.

It's not that big of a deal.

- It is a big deal. No one knows our game plan, bro.

No one like Hollywood, all right.

So, kid or not, we need the money, we all need to be there.

- You don't even know what's on the other side of that door.

- We don't, but we know there's a good player

behind the other side of that door.

- Yeah, I'm with him for once.

I think we should just, we should just go.

- Yeah, we should get going then.

- Let's just go. Thank you. - Oh, oops! I did it!

(doorbell rings) Sorry, I rang the bell.

Come on, we gotta wait and see at least.

I'm curious now at least.

(dramatic music)

- What's up, fellas?

- Are you happy? He's dying.

- Let's go. - Wait, come on.

Wait, that's a little extreme.

He's not dying.

- Cody, I'm cool.

- He's cool.

He's not dying, he's cool.

- Come on in, my brothers.

Let's go, I got some, I got some stuff for you guys.

- He invited us in, dude. Come on.

(door thuds)

- Voila!

Here's to the Reign Clan.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

- I don't like mac and cheese.

- You just have this. It keeps you nice and strong.

- And you are a Hollywood actor.

- Was an actor.

- What is it you do, like, now?

- He works nights in the shipyard.

I'm sorry, isn't, isn't Utah a landlocked state, though?

- No, Oliver, he probably wears all that cologne in case,

you know, you get lost at the shipyard at night, right?

- I don't like that he works seven nights a week,

but it's his passion.

And besides, I have a wonderful dildo.

(Oliver coughs) (Cody laughs)

- How long have you been together?

- Almost five years, right, Casper?

Cheers, my darling.

Are you, um, are you, are you guys getting all excited

about your little watchamacallit competition?

- Oh, Miss T, it's not a little competition,

it's the biggest online gaming tournament in the world.

Little man could come back with $100,000.

- Well, you know, it's not really the money

that we're concerned about.

- Wait a minute.

I mean, obviously you got a nice house.

But money's not important at all?

(laughs) Clarence's asshole daddy,

he dropped a big wad on us when he dumped us in Vegas.

Big wad.

- Clarence's asshole daddy dropped a big wad on her.

- I know.

- I get it, dude.

You're popping the little dude's mom. You sly dog, man.

I mean, I'm not with you on your choice of chicks,

but I feel you, give it up.

Go ahead.

- So, what did you do in Las Vegas?

- I was a cocktail waitress at the Sun Desert Hotel.

That was when I got pregnant with Clarence.

- So, uh, what's going on with that, Hollywood?

Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah. I just have this rare form of asthma

when I get nervous or excited,

you know, I could have an asthma attack that could,

that could, that could kill me.

But, um, I have to have the tanks with me all the time.

- Thanks for the babysitting thing you got me into.

- It's all good, my brother. You know?

Hollywood's still macking chicks on the reg.

- Honey, I gotta get out of here.

- Good night, my prince.

Oh...

- Guys. Mom.

- Um, not in front of the boy.

- Mom, your tits are in my face.

- Lucky you.

- Okay.

- You know, we should get going.

- We should get going.

- You wanna play that tournament?

- You know what? We should get going.

- We got a long trip. - Should we go?

- I'm gonna miss you, honey.

Oh, baby, be careful.

- Come on, Mom. Not in front of my homies.

- Oh, I just don't want you to die before you're 18

'cause your dad'll cut off child support.

- I know, you told me.

- I love you, baby.

Give Mommy a little hit.

- Don't, don't waste it, I need it.

That was huge. - Now just a little kiss.

A little one. - Okay. Bye, Mom.

- Okay, get you in. Get you in.

Okay. Hands, hands. - Thank you.

(door thuds)

- [Julie] I'm trusting you with my baby.

It's one of my best treasures.

Even more than my toe rings.

And you should bring him back alive.

- Look, lady, I'd love to take care of your it,

but we're driving all the way to LA so I expect to be drunk

and knee-deep in midgets and hookers by, what, noon?

This guy is who you want to take care of your kid.

- You... - I got him, Miss T.

I got him. - You got him?

Clarence, wear a condom.

Wear two condoms!

- Don't worry, I've been tested!

- One can break.

- I've been tested. - You never know!

You never know!

Have them by your bedside.

Wear at least one.

Bye!

You're one of my best treasures.

Clarence!

Be careful!

(plane engine roaring)

- Traveling alone, sir?

- Why? Looking for a date, big mama?

- I think you're a little too young to be traveling alone.

- Oh, you're one of those, aren't you?

- I beg your pardon?

- I thought we was past this stuff.

Especially since we now have a black president

of the Divided States of America.

- I'm sorry, sir. It's just you're-

- Short and black? Huh?

You from Mississippi?

- (scoffs) No, Wyoming.

- Let me guess, you must have a chart in that computer

labeled, the Rosa Parks section.

- No.

- I guess the next thing you're gonna tell me

is I have to sit in the back of the plane too!

- No.

- This airline is racially profiling!

I will not get my last wish from the foundation

for my terminally ill disease 'cause the color of my skin

is going to keep me from getting on this plane!

- You're all set, sir. Gate C-42.

And thank you for riding Deeznuhtz.

- Exactly.

- I'm from Wyoming.

♪ It's not your hate for the player ♪

♪ Or your hate for the game ♪

♪ You just hate the high score when it's next to my name ♪

♪ OG, original gamer ♪

♪ OG, original gamer ♪

♪ Bring your best game controller, bring some extra men ♪

♪ Bring a book of cheat codes but I'm still gonna win ♪

♪ OG, original gamer ♪

- [Oliver] If you had gone with me,

then it wouldn't be spelled wrong.

- [Andy] But wait, I don't understand how anyone would-

- Guys, I think it's breastfeeding time.

Hi. - Whoa, man.

You're not usually good at catching stuff.

Except for STDs.

Right?

Wait, guys! Guys, huddle up, come on.

Come on, come on, huddle up, man, this is it, bro.

All right, when we walk through those doors,

we are gonna carry ourselves as "Gears of War" champions.

Nothing more, nothing less, man. We're gonna do it!

- Today's just registration.

- Shut up, Hollywood!

All right, listen.

For the next two days,

we're gonna be teaming up against dudes we are gonna spank.

We're gonna do this, we're champions,

we're gonna win $100,000 a piece, that is.

- Amen to that.

- Let's do this! Let's get some ass!

(all shouting) - Yeah!

(upbeat music)

(doors thud)

Guys! Guys, I'm... Would you please come?

- Is this what we gotta deal with all weekend?

- We might wanna help him.

- (grunting) Oh, shit!

- You're turning violet, Violet.

- Ooh! Willy Wonka, that was nice.

- Wasn't it, though?

- Little bit of help, idiots!

- What are you doing, man?

Just push the down button!

- Let him down. I got you.

- Oliver, that's what you've been waiting for

your whole life.

- Why are you judging me?

Don't judge me. We helped him.

- Guys! - Let's get him up.

- Thanks, guys. - I smell nuts!

- I got you. I'll save you.

(upbeat music)

- Watch out. Sorry. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Move out of the way.

Hope you got my papers in there.

- Funny. Team name?

- Black Assassins.

- All right.

Four. There you go.

Good luck at the tournament, boys.

You too, sir.

- Yeah, old Gramps here has been lying to us

for over two years

saying he's only a couple of years older than us.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Man, come on, Gramps.

Excuse me. Out the way.

- You're wearing glasses.

- Yo, Chomama. Look at these chumps.

- Now what do we have here?

- I don't know, what? Bebe's Kids?

- I got your Bebe Kids right here.

- Yeah, and I bet it's the size of a baby's too.

- Score!

- Face.

- You chumps ready to fall in front of the whole world?

Why don't you just wait and see, okay?

We didn't want to give you guys our game plan,

but we got some secrets we haven't even shown you yet, so...

- Like what?

You got a scuba diver who's gonna

wave his way into the game?

- No, that wouldn't be a scuba diver.

This would be Hollywood, the famous actor.

- The dude from "Starship Troopers?"

- In the flesh. You want his autograph?

- Hell no.

- What's up with Old Man Winters?

- Yeah, we got one in the woodpile, too.

We gotta get a handle on knowing

who's on the other side of the controller.

- Yeah, for once, I agree with you.

- Well, ladies, we'd love to stay and chat,

but we gotta do an interview, so peace,

hair grease and deuces.

- Someone should ask him

if his mother didn't love him enough.

- Nu-uh, I'm not touching that one again.

- Touch? What are you gonna touch?

- What's that supposed to mean?

(elevator dings)

(upbeat music)

♪ Revolution ♪ - Come on, and open the door.

♪ We want revolution, it's a ♪

(muffled upbeat music)

- Yeah, I don't need you anyway.

- Watch it! Joe Dirt!

- Yo, bro.

(Greg clears throat)

What is this, a line?

Is this a line?

- Hey!

- Hey, man, how's it going?

- Hey!

- Hey! - Hey!

Greg?

- What?

- Is this the Greg "Armagreggon" Lipstein?

- Ha. Yeah, man.

- (laughs) Look at you!

You look great! - (laughs) Okay.

- Just like I remembered. - Huh?

All right. - Yeah, listen, it's me!

- Look, it's good, man.

I don't wanna sign anything.

I gotta get in line here and do this thing, so...

- No, no, no! It's me!

It's me, Martin Wilson.

Your old referee.

- Martin.

- Wilson.

- Wilson. - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Yeah!

Okay.

- So, hey, gonna be playing in the Gears tourney?

- Oh, no, man.

I'm, you know, I'm, I'm not in that thumb crap.

No, man.

I got an old score to settle in coin-op, so...

- Oh! "Frogger!"

- Yeah.

(Martin laughs) "Frogger."

- Oh, boy!

You betcha! This is gonna be the best championship in years!

- Right on.

- But, Greg, you, my friend, are in the wrong line.

Coin-operated tournament signups are over here.

Come on. Follow me.

- Yeah, well, I must be in the wrong line then.

- Right here. - Okay.

- Greg, this is Molly.

And Molly's gonna get you signed all in.

- Hey, Molly. - So,

just gotta tell you, it was great running into you.

And I really look forward to watching you play again, huh?

- Okay.

- I gotta go take care of some qualifying stuff

with the actual competition, but listen.

I'm also gonna be there at yours as well,

so I'm gonna see you soon, huh?

- Yeah. Okay.

- Alrighty! Good to see you.

- Okay. - Have fun.

- Your name, son?

- Armagreggon.

- What?

- Armagreggon!

- Arm & Hammer?

- No, it's- - Just your name, son.

That's all I need. Just your name.

- Greg.

- Glen.

- Yeah. It's Glen.

- Alrighty.

There you go.

And inside this file is your schedule

and the coupon for the buffet.

Good luck, Frank.

- We just registered for Cyber Bowl.

You talked me into it.

- It's gonna be good, bro.

- You should be... - Oof!

- What are you doing?

Fidgeting like a child.

- I'm sorry, all right? I'm a wreck, man.

It's the first time we're gonna meet in real life.

- You need another shot, bro.

- Yes, please.

Propofol.

(Cody chuckles) Don't make fun of me.

- Just sit tight, Billy Jean. I got you.

- Two Jagers and a wuwu.

- [Bartender] You got it.

- Wuwu! What the hell's a wuwu?

- Me?

- Is that some kind of fruity drink? (laughs)

(Cody scoffs)

- Well, Gary, if you must know,

it's a drink that was invented long after those shoes

and that turtleneck went out of style.

- That's the funny thing about style.

It goes in circles.

- That's an awesome comeback. Good for you, buddy.

- Hey. - Your dad said hello.

Here, drink these, man. Come on.

- Thank you.

Let's say this is to being here

and winning the whole damn thing.

- About as cocky as I imagined you'd be. (chuckles)

- Dude, are you serious with this?

- Hi, Andy.

- I remember the first time I had a girlfriend.

- I'm gonna get new ones, I'm sorry. You want one?

- I'd love one, thank you.

- Get her a Shirley Temple.

- Unlike your IQ, I'm actually over 21.

- Actually, my wife left me,

so why don't you just dump some salt in the wounds there.

- Oh, cry me a river.

- How about I throw you in one?

Speaking of that,

why don't I ask you what your intentions are.

- My intentions are none of your business.

- [Cody] With Andy? Oh, I believe they are.

- Okay. I stand by it.

My intentions are none of your business.

But I have two reasons for being here.

I wanna win this tournament,

and I wanna spend time with Andy, I like him.

- You really like him?

- Yeah, I like him. I think he's sexy.

- Jesus, I don't know. She's making me nervous, bro.

Got this girl.

Wait!

No way! Armagreggon?

Greg Armagreggon Lipstein?

- Do I know you?

- Yeah, hells yes, you know me!

Well, no, I know you.

Well, I don't know you, but I know who you are, dude.

You are Armagreggon, the legend!

You are awesome, man!

I cannot believe this!

What are you doing here?

- Man, I'm competing, you know.

- Get the, you, you play "Gears of War?"

- (scoffs) No.

Man, I'm here for the "Frogger" championship.

Boom. - Frog...

Duh!

I used to, I used to jerk off to you.

- Did you?

- I'm telling you.

Do you wanna, do you wanna come over

to me and my friends and have a drink, man, I really...

- [Greg] Well, let me ask you a question.

- What?

- You're not still jerking off, are you?

Well, no. I mean, now, I might have a lady.

- She like older guys?

- I love your mullet, bro.

- Thanks, man.

- You know what? Can we go over?

Will you please come have a drink with me and my friends?

- Why not?

- Listen, I don't know what you're ruse is,

but I know this.

If you try and use your vajayjay

to screw up this tournament,

mm-hm, whatever you wanna call it, your muffin...

- This is... - Oh, awesome.

- Greg "Armagreggon" Lipstein, man. The legend!

- Along with its clothes.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- He has won every '80s school, Q-bert,

Donkey Kong, every award you could think of.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Strung out headed for the road ♪

♪ Got no more to be found ♪

♪ Got nowhere to run ♪

- That's how I started my business.

Uh, you know, look.

That's my business.

And it's- - Greg Lipstein, CEO,

Snow Globe Kings.

"When you think of snowballing, think of me."

Wow. That's an excellent card, Greg.

Cheers.

- That's what I'm talking about.

But it's all different now, you know, the games...

The whole, the whole thing's all...

- Yeah, but man, you were a legend.

- Well, I miss the recognition.

But not really.

I mostly just miss the poontang.

Back in the day, my mustache looked like a glazed donut.

- Good for you. - Yeah.

There was this one place,

the Sun Desert Lodge in Las Vegas, I banged everything.

Cocktail waitresses, maids...

- I've heard of the place. - Jeez...

- You wouldn't know a Julie Theodore, right?

She used to work at the Sun Desert Lodge or Inn,

whatever you called it.

(Greg coughs)

You all right? Here, take a drink.

- No, no, I don't- - The hell are you=

- Who are you?

I am not your daddy.

- Yeah, no kidding, man. Thank you.

- No.

- I know. Thank you.

- Nuh-uh. No, bro.

- You got asthma, bro?

- Thanks for the drink.

- Hollywood, I might have just found your daddy.

(upbeat music)

- Welcome back, I'm Adam Sessler,

and you're watching "Exploited TV"'s exclusive live coverage

of day one of the Cyber Bowl championships.

I gotta say, this is shaping up to be incredible.

All of the four top "Gears of War 3" teams

are here, in Los Angeles.

And we're just waiting to figure out

who's gonna be the winner.

And speaking of winners,

we are joined by 17-year-old Sebastian Johnson,

who, if you ask me, looks nothing like 17.

- Yeah, but no one asked you.

- Speaking of the top ranked teams,

you're number one in the latest Gears poll

coming into the tournament.

Is that gonna be changing up your strategy?

- Strategy?

I kill mother (bleep).

- Okay, you can't do that.

- Can't do what?

I been killing mother (bleep) ever since Gear 1.

- You were like five back then.

- You were old back then.

- All right, you know what? Best of luck, little man.

- Little man? - All right, if you want more

of the Cyber Bowl championships, you know what to do.

Keep tuning into "Exploited TV," right here in Los Angeles.

Oh, my God. I can't do this.

(tense music)

- What up, gamers, Brian Bankrupt Simmons here,

podcasting live from the Cyber Bowl's championships

in Los Angeles, California.

This is it, no more trash talking,

no more teabagging behind your firewalls.

This is face-to-face tournament action.

I'm gonna be bringing you all the play-by-plays

all day long.

And we got the top teams in the nation.

We have Black Assassins, Killa Klownz, Optic and Liquid.

It's going down.

- Who's the girl now, huh?

- Nice. - Come on!

- You don't want none!

- Right side, right side, right side, right side!

Two shot, two shot! - Yeah!

- [Brian] This tournament is full throttle now.

No one's safe, not even the top seeds.

- Is your mama mad at you?

- Old school killers, out!

- God, you move so friggin slow.

- Dead Presidents, out!

And the second-ranked team of the tournament, War Pigs,

are already packing their bags, bye-bye, piggies!

♪ Ready for the bounce ♪

♪ Sorry that you came, man ♪

♪ Sorry that you lost ♪

♪ I'm a give my all no matter what the cost ♪

♪ 'Cause I gotta win, win, win ♪

♪ Headed, headed for the gold ♪

♪ I'm a bring the heat, man I'm a bring the stove ♪

♪ You could bring it hard or you could bring it bold ♪

♪ But I'm gonna win, win, win... ♪

- Really?

Out of all these teams, we play these dudes first.

- [Andy] Karma, bro. Karma.

- I don't care what it is. I'm going to get a drink.

- Hurry up, man. We got five minutes.

- What's Cody's problem?

- It's Acid Reign.

They, they were in our clan back before you were.

- So, what happened?

- Get this, dude.

Cody threw 'em out for having a bad attitude.

- (laughs) What?

That's like the pot calling the kettle...

- No, you had it.

- Well, so why is he so mad?

- I don't know if he's mad or if he's scared.

- [Clarence] Scared?

- Yeah, uh, Anthrax told him

that if he ever met him in real life

that he would stab him in the face.

- (chuckles) What?

Oh, dude, that's classic.

Which one's Anthrax?

- [Oliver] Um, don't!

See the guy shaving his head?

- Mm-hm. - Yeah. That would be him.

- Oh, my god...

He's looking right at me.

Don't look, he's gonna kill us, bro!

- (gasping) He's gonna kill us.

- You can't show fear, he can smell fear

so we need to pull it back.

Pull it in.

Not here, don't sit down in the middle of the floor.

Okay, he's still looking.

Hold on, he might be checking me out.

- Might be? - He's not checking me out.

- You might wanna have sex with him.

- Next game up is Acid Reign versus the Riegn Clan.

What the hell is that?

Do you know what the Riegn Clan is?

Whatever.

- Okay, players. Let's keep it clean out there.

- No foul language- - I'm gonna kill you.

- Uh, no mocking of making fun of the other team.

And if there are no further questions, then let's get it on!

- Hollywood. - Yes?

- Get over here, man.

- [Brian] Right out the gate, it appears that Acid Reign

is taking it to Reign Clan member Fraggett.

- I'm dead. - He's gone!

- He just Lancered me, dude. - Come on, man!

- I'm about to get this guy.

Here we go, here we go.

- [Brian] Hollywood eats a grenade,

compliments of Mr. Acid himself.

- Every one of you guys are dead?

- Oh! - Damn it!

- [Brian] RumPull4Skinz just got jacked in the face!

- I'll talk to him.

- RumPull, where you going?

- Move. Move.

This is embarrassing, man.

- What the hell? It's only the first game!

- Man, come on, man! We suck and you know it!

You dragged me out here, man.

This is ridiculous! I told you this was gonna happen!

- Look, maybe we suck, but you don't, man.

All right, we rushed in too far, we got grenaded.

Look, we could do this if you'd just play-

- You got a game plan now?

What, like eighth grade

when you made us get in that damn breakdancing competition?

Bro, we look stupid, man! Look at this!

You made me drive across the country, man,

in a car with my face on it!

Man, I don't even work for that company anymore!

- Are you done?

- I'm tired of listening to you, man.

It's been too many years.

- Let's go back. That eight grade breakdancing?

Didn't we win that shit?

- There was nobody else in the freaking competition, man!

- It doesn't matter! We still won, didn't we?

And we can win this, man, you need to prove it to yourself

and to that escaped convict.

And look, the convict's violating Hollywood's headpiece.

(Clarence screaming)

And you don't wanna drive around

in that car anymore, do you?

Maybe we can get some sponsorship,

you can drive around in a Mini Coop with some, like, 22s

and, like, the Gears logo with the gun and me.

- You always got it figured out, don't you?

- I try. Come on-

- If we lose this shit, man, you're walking home.

I'm telling you. - Fair enough.

Let's do this, Reign ho.

- You're a ho.

Get out here. Come on.

- Wow, after a very, very intense lovers' scuffle,

seems like the Reign Clan members are gonna stick around

and continue the match.

(tense music)

Nobody leaves the spawn. I got this.

All right, go. - Stay to the left.

Oh! I'm gonna chainsaw his bung piece!

I got him in the bung piece!

- [Brian] Wow, the Reign Clan is on a mission now.

RumPull4Skinz is methodically

weaving his way through the match.

We got a one-one tie in the best of three match.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- [Brian] Once again,

RumPull4Skinz looks like a man possessed,

continuing to dominate.

- Come on! They're closing in.

- [Brian] They have Acid Reign team up against the ropes.

Whoa!

The kid just fragged Mr. Acid on his own team!

- Get him! Get him!

(players cheering) Reign team wins!

They will be moving on.

You stupid ass! You just killed me!

- We won!

- I'm sorry, bro.

- You're sorry?

What are you talking about?

- That's what I'm talking about!

- Yo, yo, yo!

(Anthrax grunting)

Get off me! Get off me, you monster!

Get off me!

- Ooh!

- [Anthrax] Cody!

- You don't have to worry about him killing you

before the tourney's over now.

- That's a good thing. That's what I'm talking about!

Let's get out of here though. - Let's go.

- I'm gonna kill you, Cody!

- Oh! How often do you see that?

Two white guys get thrown out

and the black guy's still here.

I love this game.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

My grenade is so far up your ass.

- [Brian] The two biggest surprises of the day,

the Pixies and Reign Clan.

They advanced through some tough competition,

and they deserve to get some rest.

The bank is closed, we'll see you tomorrow.

♪ Let me see your hands up in the air ♪

(wheels squeaking)

- You ever thought of greasing those wheels, Hollywood?

- [Clarence] Tried it. It doesn't work.

Mind if I sit with you?

- You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but yes, you can sit with me.

- We really did it today, huh?

We made it to the final eight.

- We did, man.

- It's because of you.

I gotta disagree, Mr. Wood.

- I think you proved that even though you look like a retard

pulling around a Scud missile,

you can play with the big boys.

- Thanks, man. That means a lot coming from you.

- That masseuse was to die for. (laughs)

Feel like a new man.

- That's a first.

(Cody laughs)

- Oh, that's, that's awesome.

I'm gone for like two seconds

and you've taught him to be you.

That's great. Just a complete douche.

- By the way, where's, where's Andy?

- I think he's getting ready for his, his big date.

- Mm. - Yeah.

(Andy muttering)

- Yeah!

Oh, shit. Now I smell like a flower.

It looks like I have jizz on my mouth.

Hi, Ricki. Hi, Ricki.

No.

Should I call her by her gamer tag.

Hello, Girlgunz.

Stupid. Hi, Ricki.

(shouts) I'm gonna hit that!

No, wait, that's rude.

After you.

After you.

That sounds genuine. I'm a gentleman.

Hello, Ricki.

Hi, Ricki!

Ricki! No.

Hey, what's up, Ricki? No.

Hey, Ricki! Ricki!

She's coming in, she's walking through the door,

we're sitting, waitin', I see her, walk up.

Oh, hey! Yeah, I loved playing with you!

We're good, we're a good team.

No, we're not on the same team.

And I always kill her.

I'm better than her.

I shouldn't even go out with her.

Yes, I should. I think I love her.

Okay, this is it, man. I'm gonna get that.

Yah! Dah!

(Andy shouting)

To the butt, to the butt.

Let's do it.

♪ Getting naked ♪

♪ Getting, getting naked ♪

♪ Getting naked ♪

♪ Getting, getting naked ♪

♪ Crazy, getting naked ♪

♪ Getting, getting naked ♪

♪ Getting naked ♪

♪ Getting, getting naked ♪

♪ Getting naked ♪

♪ Getting, getting naked ♪

♪ Getting naked ♪

♪ Getting, getting naked ♪

♪ Sitting down like you in a bus stop ♪

♪ Lick you up and down then taste you like a lollipop ♪

♪ Everybody like it when I hit the spot ♪

♪ Legendary with my freakin' when I let it pop ♪

- Yes. Oh!

- Hi, lovely.

Look what I got you. - Thank you.

You look very handsome.

- Shall we?

- [Ricki] Yeah.

♪ You are my wizard sleeve ♪

♪ You must say pretty please ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ Give it a rub and a squeeze ♪

♪ Rub, rub and squeeze ♪

♪ Rub, rub and squeeze ♪

♪ Rub and squeeze ♪

♪ Rub, rub and squeeze ♪

- Let me hear you now!

♪ Rub and squeeze ♪

♪ Rub, rub and squeeze ♪

- All right, I got it, I got it, I got it.

I've got it. We played well.

I am taking us to a strip club.

- What? Yes!

Oh! I am so down with that!

- What? What? (Cody laughs)

No, come on! No, seriously, we're not gonna do this again.

Yes, yeah, I wanna go see some breasts.

(Cody and Clarence laughing)

- Guys, guys, I'm, I'm 17.

I don't, How am I gonna get in?

You guys can just leave me at IHOP or something, it's cool.

- What are you guys, a couple of altar boys?

You never snuck in anywhere?

Come on, man.

- My mom's room.

- I'm sure there's a story there, but I got this.

All right, I will get us in.

Just let me handle it.

♪ Rub and squeeze ♪

♪ Rub, rub and squeeze ♪

- Let me hear you now! ♪ Rub and squeeze ♪

♪ Rub, rub ♪

- Um, so, (laughs) "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, for sure,

is like the "Star Wars" trilogy of my generation.

- Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure the "Star Wars" trilogy

is still the "Star Wars" trilogy of your generation.

- That's not very nice.

- (laughs) Well, you're lucky I like older men.

Especially gamers.

- We are pretty hot, aren't we?

I mean, we get to sit around one place,

constantly, right, with our awesome diets,

which consists of, you know,

I don't know potato chips for vegetables,

and protein from beef jerky.

And then the awesome bags of candy

for the flawless complexion.

- Mm. - Right?

I would say we're like ripped cyber athletes.

Right?

- I knew I'd like you as much in person

as I did in the game, you make me laugh.

- Why wouldn't I? I mean...

- [Waiter] Is your dinner delicious?

- Yes. Thank you.

- Here's your coffee. - Awesome.

He's delicious.

Not really, but anyway, um, so what would you do

if you won the $100,000 in the tournament?

- Look, fat chance of that happening.

- I think it's possible.

- I guess I'd get my parents' house back.

- Wait, back? What happened with the house?

- Let's just say the economy

hasn't been that good to my family.

- Sorry to hear that.

- So, um, I don't know wanna talk about it.

- Yeah, neither do I. - Sad story,

and we're on a date, so we should be about happy things.

- What do you wanna do now?

(upbeat music)

- [Cody] All right, be cool. I've got this.

- Not gonna work.

- Yeah, Cody, let's just get out of here.

- In the car you were all about some naked ladies, man,

and Hollywood hasn't seen vagina

since the one that popped his wheezing ass out.

Chill! I've got this.

Sup, man?

Uh, listen, this guy over here is...

- What do you think he's doing, man?

- I have no idea.

- I'm going to jail, man.

I'm going to jail and I'm gonna get raped

by a 300-pound ass pirate named Buford.

- And that's a bad thing?

Yeah, no, that's a totally,

that's bad, that's like the worst thing you could do.

- I got three coming in.

- Thanks, man. Thanks, man.

Come on!

- I just want you to know

that I admire your courage, little man.

Come in.

(upbeat music)

- This is awesome!

♪ Girl get down, shake your ass ♪

♪ I'm a get down and shake my ass ♪

♪ I'm a get down and shake my ass ♪

- Hey, guys. Come on in.

- What'd you tell him?

- I told him you had AIDS

and you were gonna sneeze in his face

if he didn't let you in.

- What?

All these hot naked chicks and they think I got AIDS?

I told him you were dying.

Now just shut up and sit down, man.

Enjoy yourself.

- Can I get you anything?

- Three wuwus.

♪ On the door she's all on me ♪

♪ Let's go back to the room ♪

♪ Donkey-donk, shake your ass ♪

♪ Then go back to the room ♪

♪ GGD AKA ♪

♪ Girl get down on the tune ♪

♪ Girl, get down, shake your ass ♪

♪ Then go back to the room ♪

- Thank you!

♪ I know he can see I'm into him ♪

♪ I can tell he wants me too ♪

♪ On the dance floor I'm into him ♪

♪ Tell you what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ Onto him on the dance floor ♪

♪ I'm a get down and shake my ass ♪

- I gotta get out of here.

Take care of him. Put him onstage or something.

- What's his problem?

- [Oliver] I have no idea.

♪ Girl, get down, shake your ass ♪

- (laughs) He's probably blowing the bouncer

for letting you in.

You think that's what he's doing, you think?

He's probably not.

No, he's not.

♪ Girl, get down, shake your ass ♪

(door thuds)

♪ Shake it harder. ♪

♪ Girl, get down, shake it harder ♪

♪ I'm a get down and shake it harder ♪

- Sup, dude. Um, it's my friend's birthday.

I was wondering if maybe we can get him onstage.

You know what I mean?

Hollywood.

- Hollywood? - Yeah.

Is this cashmere? This is totally cashmere.

You don't have to play me.

(Cody sighs)

- I need all the dancers to head to the center stage.

We've got a special guest tonight, and it's his birthday.

I need Hollywood to report to the center stage.

I repeat, Hollywood, get your ass on the stage.

♪ I know she a freak 'cause she like it from the back ♪

♪ And the booty goes clap the booty goes clap ♪

♪ Dancing in the front and I'm dancing in the back ♪

- Get it, Hollywood! Get it, Hollywood!

Ooh! Ooh!

♪ 'Cause she like it from the back and the booty go clap ♪

- It's your birthday!

It's your birthday!

But it's not, but it is.

Right? Boom!

- This is the greatest night of my life!

- I want some titties,

but I don't, but I do.

- [DJ] Come on out, Milkshake,

and show Hollywood a real good time.

- Get it, girl!

Oh, Milkshake is coming!

(footsteps thudding)

Milkshake is coming.

Milkshake is coming. Oh!

Yes! Waiting for it!

Yeah!

That's my baby girl!

Get it! Get it! Right?

Yeah! Uh!

Uh, no! Uh! (laughs)

Right in the crack.

Watch out, Hollywood! She's coming for you!

- Don't worry, baby. It's only gonna hurt a little.

- She's gonna hurt you?

Here we go. (Clarence whimpering)

(Oliver laughing)

Right in the crack.

Right in the crack, girl.

Get it! Get it!

(Clarence whimpering) Get it!

Who's the boss?

Who's the boss?

You're the boss.

You're the boss. This is your company.

You're managing this. Right?

That's what I'm talking about.

What's up? You wanna touch it?

Go ahead, give me the love.

Oh, give me the love.

I know, I see you. Hi! Hi!

(Clarence gasping)

What? Boobies?

All up in your mouth.

(Clarence gasping)

Hollywood? What are you doing?

Hollywood! Back up!

Milkshake, please back up!

Milkshake, please!

Hollywood! Breathe!

Can you breathe?

Can you breathe!

Why is nobody helping?

It's not a show!

Hollywood, come on, buddy!

Breathe for me!

Your eyes are rolling back.

Is this pleasurable?

What are you doing? Help us!

Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am!

Call 911! Ma'am! Ma'am?

- [Oliver] Cody! Cody!

Cody! Cody!

Milkshake killed Hollywood, bro!

Cody! - Oh, my God!

Did I kill the baby?

Oh, my God!

Milkshake don't kill!

Did I kill the baby?

Oh, my God!

- I've had a great time tonight.

- As did I.

I mean, finally we got a little face to face time together.

- I agree.

It's been good to finally spend some time with you.

- It has.

(cell phone ringing)

- I'm sorry, is that Cody again?

- So annoying.

- That's four times in five minutes.

Maybe you should answer it.

- Should I?

All right, he probably just wants

to have a drink or something.

Dude, this better be good, all right?

I was about to get to first base.

What? Hollywood's dead?

What are you talking...

All right, all right. I'm on my way, I'm on my way.

I gotta go. Hollywood, something happened to him.

- Well, I'm coming with you.

- Fair enough. Let's do it.

(upbeat music)

Just tell me he's gonna be all right.

- Mr. Theodore's gonna be fine.

- Who's Mr. Theodore?

- It's Hollywood, you idiot.

- We're gonna need to probably keep him for 24 hours.

- Wait, but if he's gonna be fine,

then why can't we just take him right now?

- If one of you guys was like a parent or guardian,

we could probably bend them and keep him for 12,

but since you're not, we're gonna have to take him.

- Wait, the tourney starts in 12 hours exactly.

- But that ain't really gonna help us

because his mother's two states away.

You know?

- Sorry, guys. Wish we could help you guys.

- You know what? What are we gonna do, dude?

All this work, all this time, man, we were close.

- I'm gonna be honest,

I took the entire week off at the shoe store.

I don't have time for this.

- What do you think? - Whoa, whoa, ma'am!

What are you, why is she talking her clothes off?

- I'm running interference.

Do me a favor, please go get them again.

- Look, just do what she said.

- Hurry up! Thank you.

Um, you're doctors, right?

- Uh, EMTs.

Same thing? Okay, good.

Um, I have a problem.

I'm worried that this mole is cancerous.

It's, it's, let me see.

It was purple. It's now brown.

That's a bad thing, right?

I got a tattoo on top of it.

I was worried about it.

- Can we see it again? - Yeah.

Does that look cancerous?

Wait. Where'd it go?

- Clarence? - It's Clarence.

- Look, man, you know, back in the day, you know,

I was doing my thing.

I wasn't really ready-

- No, no, no. You don't owe me an explanation, man.

- You owe it to Hollywood.

- Hollywood?

- It's his gamer tag, man.

The kid's a good player, kind of like his father is.

Was. Or is.

- Both.

- You're father and son,

I'm sure if he grew a fabulous redneck waterfall,

he'd look just like you.

But we need you right now.

He needs you.

You gotta go talk to these EMTs and get him out of here.

We got a tournament to win.

- All right, man, I'll take care of it.

You just watch what I do.

Just, hey, man, you're a good guy.

- I'm the best guy I know.

- Come over here and give me some sugar.

- No, no, no. Whoa, chill, Billy Ray!

Glad I could help the family,

but I don't need to fall in love.

- All right, you'll work it out later.

(upbeat rock music)

(oxygen tank clanging)

Open the door! Open the door!

Come on!

- I'll meet you at the hotel!

(upbeat rock music)

- Go, go, go, go!

- Get my air going, get my air going!

- Incredible! That was so fun!

- What are you doing, Greg?

- I feel like the Lone Ranger.

- Oh, my goodness.

Hey, uh, hey, uh, Clarence, little man,

I hope you're not too tired, 'cause, uh,

man, we got some talking to do.

- All right. - Yeah!

- Sick mullet, bro.

(upbeat rock music)

- [Hollywood] Guys, my dad.

We sat there all night talking.

- [Andy] Oh, my goodness.

- So, what you're saying is that your dad is super rich.

- Hell yeah.

- No, what he was saying

is that he was talking to him all night.

And I think that's nice.

How do you feel?

- I'm feeling good, bro.

I mean, I don't know what my mom's gonna say,

but she has her new boyfriend, so whatever.

- Yo, wait a minute.

Actually, speaking of that, let me ask you a question.

If you look like that, would you be dating that?

You know what I'm saying?

Feel it. See that? - That's not cool, bro.

- [Hollywood] My mom? Yeah.

- That's his sexy look, dude, that's like his...

That's his GQ look.

- You know what that is?

That is a get me the fuck out of here, man, this sucks.

- Just put it away, bro.

You don't have a sympathetic bone in your body, do you?

- Wait a minute, say what?

- You do not have a sympathetic bone in your body.

- What? Dude, I, I got the band back together.

You might as well call me Oprah, bro.

- Oprah. - Oprah.

- I don't play any instruments.

- Speaking of Oprah, we should really focus today.

- Your mom played your dad's instrument.

That's how you came out.

You know what I'm saying?

And you wouldn't have known that had it not been for me.

- I don't understand that. - Real vulgar and cruel.

Bro, it's like a small person.

- I'm petite sized. - Dude, he's like tween.

- I'm fun sized.

- Oh! Okay, I'm gonna go drop a deucer.

Take a little poopie. - There you go.

- Need someone to wipe?

- [Oliver] No, I'm good.

(upbeat music)

- [Brian] What a second day so far.

Two teams that no one expected

to make it to the final four did.

The Pixies and the Reign Clan.

They have proven to everyone these two days

that they deserve to be amongst the elite.

- Let me get the five fingers, baby!

- Well, guess what? That could all end here.

I'm just being honest.

- I'm going up top. I need help.

(players chattering)

- Right behind you.

- Get my back! Get my back!

- Good job, girls.

- The other left, bro, left!

- I'm going down! - Taking center.

- Man, smoke 'em!

- Where's blue eyes? Come here.

- Let's not mess this up now, come on!

- That's a little gift from me.

- [Brian] I cannot believe what I'm seeing!

The Pixies are about to shut out the third ranked team-

- Yes! - I cannot believe this!

The Pixies are in the finals!

Ooh!

Now, for our next seminal match we have underdog Reign team

versus the top-ranked clan in the tourney,

the Black Assassins.

It may be curtains for the Reign Clan.

- Damn! This is like a storybook ending for us.

We've never lost to any of the three clans left.

Look, I know your ho left you.

And I know you hurt deep inside.

Stuff like that happens to the best of us.

- And?

- So just let me know when I need to send your ho back home!

(Chomama laughs)

Look at your pitiful, dumped ass!

You guys are gonna get served.

- Sit down, Chomama, before I sit you down.

Yo, nobody leaves the spawn.

I've got this.

- Big words.

(tense music)

- Okay, alrighty.

Is the Reign Clan ready?

- All right, boys, let's go.

- Black Assassins clan ready?

- Really?

- It is on!

- Fragget, what are you doing?

- We under way, people. - Hollywood, Hollywood,

please stop talking through the mask.

- [Brian] Already the Reign Clan seems

as if they are playing the offensive.

(gun bangs)

Hollywood with a shotgun to the face! Bow!

- Retro Lancer to the bunghole.

- I've fallen, I can't get up!

- [Brian] One by one, the Black Assassins are going down.

- I think I'm going down.

- Reign Clan takes game- - Yes!

- Come on, Chomama.

It's your squad, you gotta step up.

- [Brian] Game two under way,

it's do or die for the Black Assassins.

- Same thing.

Where's Chomama?

- [Brian] There's just too many Reign Clan members left.

They got 'em cornered!

RumPull goes in, Chomama's in.

Whoa, baby!

- Get 'em, RumPull!

- Last one, last one, get it!

- I got him, I got him!

- [Brian] Fraggett with the kill!

- In your face, yeah!

- Yes, oh my! Yeah!

- Oh! Put that in your pipe and suck it, smoke it!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

- [Brian] Reign Clan goes through to the final!

(audience cheers and applauds)

- You guys suck. - See that?

Who sucks?

Yo, Chomama.

You can keep that ho.

- [Chomama] Man, shut up.

- And you know it's not about the winning, it's about...

- Whoa! - Congratulations!

- [Martin] Well, a little bit about the winning.

- [Announcer] Reign and Pixie clans, 15 minutes 'til final.

- They didn't give us much time to celebrate

before we have to play against each other.

- Well, you guys played well though.

You should be proud of yourself.

- Oh, no, you don't. Not until we play.

- Play what?

- [Ricki] Coming?

- Hoo! Yeah, baby!

That's what I'm talking about.

- [Announcer] Reign Clan,

please report to the main stage for final.

- Hey, Greg. I can't stay.

I really gotta go. They, they just called us up.

- Oh, yeah, no. I understand.

- Yeah... - Okay.

- Well, I hope you win?

- Yeah. (laughs)

- Right. - Thanks, man.

- All right. I'll see you. - So, wait, wait.

You know, look, I hope you, you do good too.

- Thanks. Yeah. - Okay?

- All right. - All right.

- Clarence.

I just want you to know something.

I really feel like you're a part of me, you know?

Not just a, like, a little bit of my dribble, you know?

And, you know.

- Right. - I mean, good luck.

- Thank you. - Man, son.

All right. - All right.

No. Pound. It's cool.

All right.

- All right. - Bye.

- So, for our Frogger championship,

we have Scott Pride from Trenton, New Jersey.

And Greg "Armagreggon" Lipstien.

- Kind of big.

- You're going down.

- From your perspective, I already am down.

- Greg, you'll be playing first.

- Okay.

(upbeat rock music)

Would you please step over there?

- Uh, Greg, are you all right?

- Yeah.

As a matter of fact, for the first time in a long time,

I am all right.

Congratulations, man.

It's all yours.

- Greg!

What are you doing, man?

- You know what I'm doing?

I am gonna go watch my son

win the "Gears of War" championship.

Armagreggon! Out!

- Um...

Okay. Well, then I guess congratulations?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

We have a winner. - Thanks, man. Thanks!

Yes! - Yeah. Yeah.

Exciting. Exciting day.

- People, I have to be honest.

You know Brian Simmons always keeps it real,

but I could have never predicted

that they would have been in my bracket final.

The Pixies versus the Reign Clan.

They have done the impossible.

There's so much ass meat around here

'cause they kick so much ass,

the Cyber Bowl champions will be decided here!

- Reign team, are you ready?

Pixies, are you ready?

Let's do this!

- [Brian] Both teams are rushing the center.

- Pixie girl hiding behind the dome.

Bam! - Oh!

It appears Reign Clan got the jump on the Pixies.

(chainsaws scraping)

- Yes!

- [Brian] These girls are too spread out!

What are they doing? They're getting cut down one by one.

- Yes! That's what I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about!

- All right, one left, one left.

- Whoo! Yes!

- [Brian] Reign team takes first game.

One down, one to go.

(audience cheers and applauds)

- All right, one more. Next one, baby.

- Bro, I'm five-starred, I'm five-starred!

Dammit. - That's right.

- [Brian] The Pixies seem to be taking the initiative

on round two by overloading the right side of the arena.

Good work, ladies.

- I'm out. I'm done.

- [Brian] Reign Clan is in trouble.

I see tears in their eyes.

- I know you want booty from her, but damn, dude!

- [Brian] One more, and yes, the Pixies take game two!

(audience cheers and applauds)

- They cheated!

- [Brian] Here it is, the final game to determine

this year's Cyber Bowl champion.

- All right, come on, guys. This is the last one.

We take this, we're the winners.

$100,000.

(chainsaw revving)

- Oh, yeah, baby, you go make me a sandwich.

- Guys, I got it! I got it!

Oh, I am so, I'm dead. I'm dead.

- [Brian] The Pixies waste no time

taking out Hollywood and Fraggett.

It looks like RumPull4Skinz is in trouble.

Pr3daTurD is trying to save RumPull.

He kills the third Pixie,

but RumPull gets taken out by Girlgunz.

It's just one player left from each team.

It appears that Pr3daTurD is, yes!

He is right behind Girlgunz.

- Just me...

- [Brian] This is game over!

This is game over!

All he needs to do is shoot!

(heartbeat thumping)

Wait. Why is he not shooting?

- Shoot! - What are you doing?

- Do it! Do it! - Shoot!

- [Brian] He's just standing there.

He looks like he's letting that booty go to his head!

(tense music)

Blast that booty!

She just ended this game!

The booty wins!

(audience cheers and applauds) (teammates yelling)

- The Pixies win the championship!

(bright music)

(blow thuds)

Oh, we got some extra curricular activities

going on the stage right now.

It appears Pr3daTurD is getting his butt whipped

by his teammates.

This has been the best Cyber Bowl ever!

You got hot white chicks winning,

you got crazy white guys killing each other.

I love it!

I got my ticket for next year.

See you there.

Brian Simmons, and I feel like I need my assistant.

That'll work.

(audience cheers and applauds)

- [Andy] I think she loves me.

- I hope so.

I mean, I don't get it.

But I understand probably how you would have worked that out

in your head that that was okay to do, but I don't get it.

- You accept it?

I hope so, 'cause I think you guys broke my rib.

- Listen, my wife left me, I've got no job,

I've got a car with my face on it

that I have to drive around in.

And we just lost because of you.

To be honest, my life could not get any worse right now.

- Hey, babe.

I've just, you know, been losing. Thank you.

You wanna, you wanna chill for a second, actually?

Why don't, why don't you go get papa a Diet Pepsi? Yeah.

- I take that back, man.

My life could get worse. What the hell just happened?

- It's the old ball and chain. No biggie.

- Hey, how you doing?

Nice to meet you guys.

Mike Patterson from Mountain Dew.

You were very impressive up there.

Just great.

- He blew the game for us. Where were you at, bro?

You didn't see that?

- Oh, no, no. I was here.

And what I see is enormous potential for Mountain Dew,

and I'd love to sign you guys to a two-year deal.

- Are you yanking our dick right now?

- Um, no.

- Are you yanking my dick right now?

- That was me. Sorry.

- I'm sorry, who?

- So, what I'd like to do is sign you guys

to a two-year deal, you'd travel all around the world

playing in professional video game tournaments.

Guarantee of a six-figure contract.

Well, for most of you, minus dick boy over here.

- Oh, that's me. No.

- No, you're in. I'm just kidding.

- [Oliver] Okay.

- Let's do it. - If it's real, I'm in.

Why don't we meet in the lobby in an hour

and work out all the details.

- Is that, did that just happen?

Did that just happen?

(players cheering)

(upbeat music)

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Stop panicking, turn into a mannequin ♪

♪ Take a breath now, ah, begin again ♪

♪ Open your eyes, please turn your smile on ♪

♪ Realign with now as well ♪

♪ You start freaking out wishing you were peeking out ♪

♪ Hold it together now instead of leaking out ♪

♪ Turn your smile on, turn your smile up bright ♪

♪ Remember the days when ♪

♪ Your laughter was meant ♪

♪ Remember the days when ♪

♪ You did what you said ♪

♪ You're counting the days till ♪

♪ You get high again ♪

♪ Chill out ♪

♪ Be easy on yourself ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ You stop choosing it, suddenly you're losing it ♪

♪ Give it a kiss now instead of bruising it ♪

♪ More than a mean fear ♪

♪ Pieces whole here ♪

♪ Let the past go, boys and girls ♪

♪ You start stressing out ♪

♪ Time to learn a lesson ♪

♪ Doubt's not in your jeans ♪

♪ So please stop your guessing 'bout ♪

♪ Turn your smile on turn your smile up bright ♪

♪ Remember the days when ♪

♪ Your laughter was meant ♪

♪ Remember the days when ♪

- You're saying, oh, my gosh! - Yeah, you just-

- Oh, okay, I just owned them,

so therefore the after effects of how I would react

to that such thing.

(crew and Jason laughs)

There's something I don't know.

I'm just gonna sit here and touch my (bleep).

Cody, bro, for real?

- [Blake] Don't "Cody, bro, for real" me.

- (laughs) That was a mint.

Don't "Cody, bro, for real" me.

(crew laughs)

- Oh, come on!

- Why wouldn't you- - Oh, Jesus Christ.

(crew laughs)

Get the (bleep) out of here.

(clapper thudding)

- I think you found your new job.

- I did. - Action!

- Look, I called him last week on his cell phone

and I think his mother answered and I...

- It'd be his wife.

(bleep). - He lives with his mom?

- Again, you guys could have just went with it

'cause it's not obvious. - (bleep) you, Jason.

- Ooh, you're turning violet, Violet.

- Ooh, Willy Wonka. - Oh, I just said "ooh."

I said your line.

Ooh, you're turning violet...

Why do I say wanna say "ooh" because you say "ooh?"

- It's a wonderful word. - I know, isn't it? Ooh.

(crew laughs)

I just mouthed the (bleep) word.

Still rolling! - Still rolling.

- God, this is the last shot! All right.

Like what? A scuba diver swimming his way in the game?

(player laughs)

- No, my man. That would be a video game back there.

Could somebody shut that off?

- Don't need to take out your anger towards Dane Cook on me.

- I'm not angry at Dane Cook.

I just don't understand his humor.

- Let's do this bitch!

Sideways!

- I found someone else.

- Can we have breakup sex?

- Mm. Yeah.

(crew laughs)

- I'm just kidding. All right. (laughs)

- Oh, no. - Oh, come on, guys!

- It's still there.

- I can do it, dude. You could always ask us to do it.

We're right here. - Here, give me that.

- Thank you, Jason, for- - Let's go.

- I got, (bleep). It's good.

It's on the outside. Looks like a scratch now

so I don't know, (bleep) it.

- [Director] And, we're rolling.

- I'm excited, hope you are.

- [Cody] So much for not having crap in the car.

- Ow!

- [Chomama] These airlines are racially profiling!

- Mom, I never want to ride Deeznuhts.

- You don't have to.

- [Oliver] I don't know-

(Cody spitting)

- [Cody] That (bleep) went right in my nose.

- [Blake] If I had kids, I'd kill you.

(crew laughs)

You, if I had kids, I'd cut your throat!

(crew laughs)

- [Chomama] What the hell was that?

- Then I'd feed you to fish!

- [Blake] A creepy moment.

(crew laughs)

(Clarence screaming)

(crew laughs)

- Oh, wait. Yeah, those are next.

- What'd you say? - Don't listen to me.

I don't know what I'm saying.

- No, we are gonna get to the final, he's right.

It's written in the script.

- It is. No, it is.

- Well, there was a rewrite in the pink pages.

No.

- Do we not make it to the finals anymore?

- You two do not.

You guys wind up having (bleep) sex,

falling asleep in each other's arms

and me and Hollywood grab two new team members.

They're professionals.

- He's the worst, though. - He's not the worst.

- No, I'm- - And we get two pros.

Joe Bob and Billy Bob.

They're twins.

(crew laughs) They're really good.

- You're a hell of a writer, bro.

- Yeah, man. - Right?

(Cody shouting)

- It's not that hard!

(dramatic music)