Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

DISCO MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

Oh, come on, Diane. It's just one drink.

Three, at the most.

What's the matter with you? You're young, aren't you?

Look, Diane, the thing about comas is...

he's not going to notice if you pop out, is he?

That's what a coma is.

All right.

No. I'm not pissed off, just...

just let down.

Me? No, I'm fine. I'm great.

I'm brilliant... Yeah, since I split up with Carl, yeah.

God, yeah, I'm having a great time.

And we've moved on as well, so that's...

And actually, I think we've really...

What? Oh, shit, well, you'd better go if they're all looking at you.

Yeah. Bye.

Hello, Carl. Hello, Tanya.

What are you doing here? With Donna, are you?

No, I'm with a couple of mates from work. Gosh, you look well!

You're doing quite well over there. Yeah, well!

Are you kidding? She's like a rash on you. So you're over Donna, then?

Yeah, we're just good mates now. It's nice. That's great.

You're not going to try and kill yourself any more? No, I don't think I'll be doing that.

Oh, I'm happy for you, Carl.

Because if anyone deserves not to die by their own hand, it's you.

Thanks, Tanya, I think! See you later, yeah?

Mmm.

Oh, don't get too pissed now.

Hi, is that Mr Pizza?

How's Mrs Pizza?

What? Yeah, no, I was just...

Well, yeah, I know it's not your real name. I was just making a...

No, I'm not making...

No, I do not. Why would I think it's a shit job? I just...

Just a 12-inch capricciosa please.

Yeah, thanks. Bye.

DVD: 'So maybe we should turn our attention to the topic of global warming

'and the fact that ten of the last 14 years

'are noted as having been the hottest years on record.

'Makes you think, doesn't it?'

DISCO MUSIC

I would like to say thank you for the beautiful gift.

I'm very happy with my Soda Stream.

Well, we just know how much you like fizzy drinks.

I will miss you, Louise...

a lot.

And if you are ever in Lithuania, maybe you will visit.

I'm never going to be in Lithuania.

Oh.

It's a shame.

Well, I go.

Louise,

I always regret not making love with you when I had the chance,

and I just want you to know every time I, er...

Well, it is your face that I see.

TANIA: Carl?

KNOCKING

Your friends have gone.

They want to close up.

Carl?

You asleep?

Oh, my God, Louise,

I can't believe...

Is best day of my life.

I really fancy you, Tina.

Come on, Carl. You're really drunk.

I'm going to fuck your brains in.

Carl, that's not very nice, is it?

Don't you want me to fuck your brains in?

HE SNORES

D'you...

D'you...

D'you like collecting the post more,

or delivering?

Yeah, I've, um...

I'm going home.

Good night.

Billy?!

Karen?

What the bloody hell are you...?

I know somewhere that's open around the corner.

God's sake, Carl. I've been out there over ten minutes.

It's 8:30, Donna. I know.

Practically nowhere was open.

What's the matter with this country?

I got us some pita breads.

Jesus Christ, Carl, what's with the...

Is that yogurt?

Yeah, I think it is.

Carl, you're not having a breakdown again, are you? No, no. I'm fine.

Carl did, you take your clothes off in here?

Oh, my God. No, yeah, I did, but...

I just don't know if I can go

through all of that again. I mean...

Carl,

have you been masturbating into a condom?

Donna, I've got someone here.

Oh, oh.

Oh, right.

You been doing it in the kitchen?

I suppose so.

You're going to have to throw that bread board away, you know.

You didn't say you were out last night. it was Jamie's birthday, so... First I've heard of it.

Are you all right with this, Donna? What?

No, I'm fine. I was just... I was in on my own last night.

So you've been having kitchen sex? Yeah.

God, sad.

Look, Donna, she's still here, so... Well, I hope she's going to clear up. Will you please go?!

OK, fine! I'll go.

I'm taking my fucking pitta bread.

Kitchen sex isn't cool, Carl.

OK? Not these days.

Just so you know.

SNORTS

Shit!

Billy!

Billy, come on! We've got to get out.

Billy? Billy, where's your trousers?

My pants.

Billy, Billy, we've got to go.

It's a quarter to nine. They're going to be here.

The kids are going to be here in ten minutes. It's Saturday. What?

It's Saturday.

Is it?!

It's Saturday.

It is Saturday!

CHILDREN'S VOICES

Ball Day!

You were at a party as well?

The same as Carl?

Everyone had a laugh except for me.

He fell asleep.

Yeah, but that's a story. You got a story out of that.

I'm not going to tell anybody a man fell asleep while I was trying to...

pleasure him. You will, once the shame's worn off.

It will be your favourite anecdote.

What can I tell people?!

Oh, my God. Look at you.

You've had a great time as well, haven't you?

Donna, I have just spent two hours explaining to the police and 15 terrified mums

why I happened to be in an empty school with a half-naked man. You did, didn't you?

You've had a great time!

That's brilliant. I wish I nearly lost my job.

I wish I had a man fall asleep in my mouth.

I feel terrible.

Give me some advice. Go to the Marquis. Suck off a stranger.

Donna, give me some advice.

Well, I just think...

when you get thrown off a pony, there's no point trying to get on another less bookie pony.

Stick with the pony you've already saddled. Get back on Oleg.

It's the only way you'll get your confidence back.

How come you were at the school again?

They shouldn't give me the fucking keys, should they?

Who were you with? Oh, I just bumped into an old friend, so...

Oh, who was that?

Well... All right, look, just don't get all...

Who was it?! All I'm saying is don't start because I've got a...

Who?

Billy.

Are you insane?

He tried to kill you!

Don't make out like that's negative.

He was on Ketamine. Don't let him back into your life, Karen. I am not letting him back into my life.

He's a nice guy, but he's a mess. Don't let him back into your life.

I am not letting him back into my life!

I met him.

We had a few drinks, a couple of lines, split an E,

a small bottle of Bacardi

and a little bit of crack,

and that is all it was, all right?!

I know what he's like. There's no way I'm letting him back in.

Tanya, you didn't have to do that. You've been at it for about two hours now, so I think, you know...

Oh, right, OK.

Look, Tanya, I just...

Well, I just wanted to say, cheers.

Cheers? No, no, I mean, thank you.

I don't mean for... Sorry. Well, it's just you've done a nice job in the kitchen, you know?

Hasn't been that clean in...

Thumbs up. You would make someone a great cleaner and...

Are you embarrassed, Carl? No, no.

God, no. I'm fine. It was fine.

I was fine. It was fine.

Did you just look at my breasts? I didn't.

It's all right, Carl. You were looking at them last night.

You had them in your hands. Yeah. You were sucking on them. Yep.

At one point you had a little cry onto them, didn't you? Yeah! Yeah.

So you don't have to be embarrassed, Carl. I'm not.

I didn't... Look, Tanya, can you...

I mean, can you not say anything about this?

It's just a bit awkward because of Donna, you know?

I don't want her to feel...

Don't be stupid, Carl. Donna's my best friend.

I tell her everything.

Right.

Come on, Karen.

I'm having a quiet night in. I'm fucked.

What about Louise? She's busy.

She's trying to blow off Oleg before he goes to Lithuania.

I've tried everyone, everyone I know...

Sarah, Dianne...

Sarah and Dianne.

Come on! I just want to have a laugh.

All right. I'll drink with you here,

but that's it.

It's not about the drinking, Karen. It's about the laugh,

the danger. I want to have stories to tell when I'm older. I want to score...

not a bad one or anything, maybe one on my arm or just above my ankle.

DOORBELL

Do what I do. Drink half a bottle of vodka and then you find you ARE out

and you don't have to worry about the bit in between.

How did you know where I live? I think I stole your purse last night.

What do you want, Billy?

I thought you might feel like a quiet one after last night, so I brought some porn and champagne.

Where's the champagne?

Er... I'm not doing this.

Last time we were together, I stabbed you.

Well, just in the leg!

Karen, I've changed.

All right. I haven't changed, but I'm no worse, and I've missed you.

We CAN'T do this.

Why? We won't go mad. Let's go for a coffee.

I've got some whiz on me, actually. We can put it in... All right, OK!

Where's Oleg? Isn't he coming in today? I need to see him. What for?

I...

got him some extra cola syrup for his soda stream.

What? That soda stream?

Do you know where he is? He said he felt unclean,

so he was going to take a shower before getting the boat.

Shit! Louise? He doesn't need that now. No, he does. He does, Richard.

You can mix it with water. You don't need bubbles. It's still a tasty drink.

It's just...

I split up with you cos it was boring,

and what was the point going through all that hassle if things are still boring? Know what I mean? Yeah.

Oh, don't look at me like that, Carl. I don't mean boring in a bad way, like Natasha Kaplinsky.

I just meant... Well, everyone seems

to be doing exciting things except

for me. I mean, look at you!

All right. It was the kitchen, a bit '80s, but at least it was something.

She did a nice job, by the way.

You... You seeing her again?

No. No way.

Why? What's wrong with her?

I don't really want to talk about it.

Well, you know... It's just a bit weird talking to you about that kind of thing.

Well, I haven't got a problem with it. We're just a couple of mates.

Come on. Give me all the gory details. What was she wearing? Did she have cellulite?

Well, tell me her name, then. At least tell me her name. Does she have a name?

No.

PHONE

Why won't you tell me her name?

It's not like I'm going to know her.

Oh, it's Tanya. What's she doing, calling me on your phone?

Hi, Tanya.

What? Yeah, it's Donna. What's up?

What?

Oh. OK.

She wants to talk to you.

Me? What? What is she...

Silly, mad bitch.

Hello, Tanya.

Surprised to be talking to me when Donna's answered the...

Must have our phone numbers, both there on the...

Tonight?

Hang on. I'll ask her.

Yeah. No. Yeah, you mean...

I'll just... Yeah, you mean Donna?

No, you do. You do.

I'll ask her. I'll just ask her.

I'll just ask her. I'll just... I'll just... Donna, Tanya.

It's Tanya, your mate Tanya.

She wants to go out. What? With you?

No. No! Why would she...

Then why is she calling you?

Oh, us, you mean? Us, us, yes, absolutely, yes, with us. Oh, great.

That's good. That would be great.

That's brilliant. Yeah, yeah!

Brilliant.

DOORBELL

Billy! Hello, Karen.

What are you doing here?! Well, I thought you might be feeling like

a quiet one, so I brought over some porn and a bottle of champagne.

Billy, we've done this before!

Did we?! Yes.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

See, Karen, I...

Karen,

Karen... Karen

They've given me six months left to live.

Billy, they're always giving you six months left to live.

They have been giving you six months left to live for the last five years!

Well, can I use your toilet, then?

No! We are not starting again, and there is no way you are coming in, OK?

Hi, Billy. Karen. How are you? What are you doing tonight? Why don't you come out with me?

I'm going to have a big

one Carl and Tanya. Let's go for it.

I mean, it's Saturday night. Might as well enjoy ourselves.

We're leaving in about an hour, so get your skates on.

Have you got trousers, Billy? Yeah!

You did say Manhattan's? Manhattan's, yeah... Yes.

You were the one that said "Don't let him back into your life."

But I didn't say anything about not letting him back into mine.

Karen, I want experiences. I want to live.

If and when I ever write a book

about my life,

I want things to go in it.

Billy's good at experiences.

Billy is good at alcohol-induced seizures. That is not the same thing.

Are you all right, Carl? You're really on edge. I'm not on edge.

Look, I know what this is about.

Don't be silly. You know, I wouldn't say there wasn't a little

twinge of jealousy,

but actually, I'm really pleased for you.

Honestly, I think it's great that you slept with... Tanya!

Where have you been? New York, New York.

Waiting for you, like I was told to.

We said Manhattan's. Yeah, I said Man U.

You look... you look... you look...

Have you told her? Yeah.

What are you having? Gin and tonic,

a pint of Stella for you, Tanya... Told me what? Yeah! Carl!

TRACK CHANGES

I love this one!

Come on!

I'm going for a dance.

Come on. Let's have some fun and...

I slept with Carl last night.

I just wanted you to know because, well, I'm not going to lie to you.

You and...

Oh, that is rank!

Look, Donna, it wasn't planned or anything. It was just one of those things.

We were just both at this club last night, and, well...

Donna...

So...

you were out last night as well?

Donna, did you hear what I just said to you? Yeah, God.

Everyone went out except for me. I mean...

Donna, are you OK with this?

What? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean... Hang on.

Everyone went out...except for me?

Oleg?

Oleg?

He's gone. Where?

Where he gone, please?

Oh, Christ. Boat? He catch boat?

Look. I need to see him.

I need...

to see... Oleg.

Right. They've packed him into an ambulance. Tell Donna I've gone with him because my night's shat on.

God, it is terrible, though.

Well, I've got a take-out from the bar, so I'll just nick that. I meant Billy.

What's Billy got to complain about?

He's had a skinful,

a stomach pump and a free ride home.

That's a great night in his books.

You really are heartless, aren't you?

All I will say to you, Tanya, is people who live in glass houses

shouldn't take their best mate's ex-boyfriend's cock inside them in a pile of yogurt, OK?

Don't worry, Carl. I'm not going to stalk ya. Don't want to meet your mother.

I'm not going to plaster pictures of your face all over my wall. I was drunk as well.

It's not that, Tanya. It's just, why did you have to tell Donna? Because I am not a liar, Carl.

God, you're such a baby. Grow up. She doesn't care.

Look at her. She's fine with it. She's having a great time.

Carl, Tanya, this is Ronnie. Show them your electronic tag, Ronnie.

It's brilliant, isn't it?

Oh, this is going to be such a great night!

Ugh!

Ugh.

Oleg!

INAUDIBLE TO OLEG

Oleg!

Oleg!!

Louise?

Louise!

Excuse... excuse me, please.

Oh, Oleg,

I thought I was going to miss you. Right. Good. This is going to sound a bit weird, but...

Louise, my Louise, my beautiful Louise!

I can't believe you came here.

It's fantastic! Is like a dream, beautiful.

Uh, Oleg...

Like you. You're beautiful.

All these months I wish, I pray you say, "Don't go. Don't go, Oleg."

Oh, no. I'm not trying to stop you from...

But I never dream in my wildest dream that this could come true for me.

Right. Actually, Oleg, look,

the thing is, I thought you might have time for...

Jesus Christ, Louise, I love you so fucking much.

Is... is that your bus? I think it's about to... I don't care about the bus. But you'll miss your boat...

Fuck boat. Fuck boat.

Fuck boat!

Right. I think there's something I should make a bit clearer.

INAUDIBLE

Why are you avoiding me? I'm not avoiding you.

I'm just a bit nervous because of that psycho with Donna.

What? Ronnie? He's lovely. He keeps talking about his mum.

I'm worried. I mean, she's trolleyed. I haven't seen her like that in ages.

That's a nice top. I like the two zips.

What?! Oh, grow up!

Oh, shit.

All right. That's... that's enough, please...of that.

I mean, all right. Fair enough, Ronnie.

I'm not, you know, having a... not at you, personally.

Fair enough. I'm in with a drink. I'm in with a laugh.

But I think now it's time to, you know...

Actually, Ronnie, I...

Thanks for your help, Tanya.

Oh, don't worry. It's fine. It's all in the thumbs. They just collapse.

He'll be fine in the morning. Right.

Well, I'd better get her back. I'll see you, Tanya. Yeah, see you about.

What are you doing?! I'm just giving you a friendly kiss goodbye. Is that OK? Is that a crime?!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Tanya.

It's been a weird night.

Yeah, well, please, let's not make it any weirder.

Sorry.

You really need to take a long, hard look at yourself, Carl.

What do you think you're doing?

Thought I might, er...

Maybe a coffee?

You want to inject it or snort it, Billy?

Actually, you can inject it, but... Billy, look.

I care about you. I do.

But I want to live.

We won't last the month.

Yeah.

I see what you're saying.

All right, it's fair enough.

I don't want to cause you any trouble. Sorry.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think I could just stay the night, though? Billy!

Not to do anything. I just thought maybe...

Maybe if I can...

If I promise not to drink anything and not to take anything and be good,

I thought maybe I could just stay in your room.

I...just...

want to watch you sleep.

I've missed that...

the smell of you. It fills me, you know?

It makes me calm.

You should see the other guy's fist.

Are you going?

No. No. Don't worry. I'm going to stay.

I'll stay in the chair over there.

Thank you.

Carl? Yeah?

Fuck!

Don't ever sleep with my friends again, OK?

# I'm begging Jesus please

# Send his love to me... #